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four-loose-screws · 7 years

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Fire Emblem Fates - Selena - Japanese vs Localization

This post is all about how Selena was changed in the NA Fates localization, discussing her supports and which ones changed significantly in tone, meaning, and so on. Since my Japanese is improving and I can pretty much compare the English and Japanese scripts side by side now, this will be a comprehensive post covering ALL of Selena’s supports, and this analysis will be better than any before it!

So, let’s get started!

Corrin

Since the f!Corrin and m!Corrin supports are the same conversation with minor changes at best, I looked at the m!Corrin support.

I had to translate this one in its entirety, as it’s very different, particularly the S Support. Here’s the links: C – B – A – S

Jacob

All changes are minor. A couple lines are added, but the meaning of the supports and the behavior of both Jakob and Selena is the same. (Yup, they really are that cruel to each other!) It’s not unusual for English to add lines of dialogue, though, and is often for the best in my opinion, since English speakers tend to be more direct in their speech. But I digress, here’s a couple of the slight changes, from the B Support…

Localization:

Jakob: You should have planned better. I never said I would help. Besides, you're far from helpless.

Selena: How rude—wait, was that a compliment? Didn’t you call me incompetent before?

Jakob: I did, but that was only to rile you up. Spite is the most efficient fuel in all the world. I wasn’t sure if you'd make it without a little to help you on your way.

Selena: Huh?

Jakob: *sigh* You’re a strong woman. Do you disagree?

Japanese:

[ジョーカー]

手伝いなどいらないはずだ。▼ なぜなら、お前は… か弱い女などではないからな。▼

[ルーナ]

失礼ね！あたしが女の子じゃないって言うの！？▼

[ジョーカー]

そうではない。か弱くはない、と言っただけだ。▼

[ルーナ]

え…▼

[ジョーカー]

お前は強い女だ。

違うか？▼

Jacob: You shouldn’t need help. Why? Because you’re not a weak woman.

Selena: How rude! Are you telling me that I’m not a woman!?

Jacob: Not at all. I’m just saying that you’re not weak.

Selena: Huh…

Jacob: You are a strong woman. Am I wrong?

Localization:

Selena: I was about to thank you, you farrow-gobbling figsnort!

Jakob: Yes, yes get it out of your system. I did mean it, however. About your being strong.

Selena: Hmph! Like I believe that! Although that IS very nice of you to say…

Japanese:

[ルーナ]

も、もう少しでまた感謝しちゃうところだったわ！▼

[ジョーカー]

だが、お前の強さを認めているのは本当だ。▼

[ルーナ]

ふ、ふんだっ！またそんなこと言っちゃって！▼ み、認めてくれてありがとう… なんて、絶対に言わないんだからね！▼

Selena: I-I was just about to thank you!

Jacob: But I was telling the truth when I said that I’ve noticed how strong you are.

Selena: Aaaargh! You’re still saying that?! Th-thank you for noticing… as if I would ever say something like that!!

Silas

Nothing to mention.

Kaze

The end of the S Support is a bit different.

Localization:

Kaze: Thank you. And please, do one more thing for me. Promise me that when this world again knows peace, you will tell me your secret.

Selena: I will. I promise. But I need you to wait until then, OK?

Kaze: Yes, of course. I will be waiting, Selena. But for now...let us enjoy this peaceful night side-by-side.

Selena: I'd love nothing more, Kaze.

Japanese:

[スズカゼ]

ありがとうございます…！では一つ約束をしてください。▼ いつか世界が平和になったとき、その秘密を私にも教えてくださいますね？▼

[ルーナ]

うん、もちろん。だからそれまでもう少し待っていて。▼ あたしは…ずっと傍にいるから。▼

[スズカゼ]

ええ、もちろん。お待ちしております。ルーナさん。▼

Kaze: Thank you…! But please promise me one thing. When this world becomes peaceful, will you tell me your secret?

Selena: Yes, Of course. So please wait just a little bit longer. I’ll always… be by your side.

Kaze: Yes, of course. I’ll wait until then, Selena.

Xander

It’s no surprise that this one had to be changed, as the joke told in B is a pun, and how often do puns translate literally? But fortunately, the localizers were able to write one that’s almost exactly the same. Amazing job on their part. The Japanese is a pun on igi, meaning objection, dissent, or protest. Igi also sounds like someone laughing, specifically, I believe, an evil laugh. It’s awkward to try and do a more direct translation, but I’ll give it my best effort.

Here’s the localization…

Selena: OK, let's get started! First, imagine we're in another war council meeting and someone says, "Hold it!" What would you say? Remember, answer with humor.

Xander: I'd say... "Hold what?"

Selena: Not quite... You should say something more like, "Hold it? But my hands are full!" Did you get it? It's funny because they don't mean "hold" like that! Get it? Do you get it? Tell me you get it.

And here’s the Japanese…

[ルーナ]

よろしい。さっそく始めましょう。▼ …まず、例えば軍議で発言したら、どこかから異議が出たとするわ。▼ そしたらマークス様はどうする？ユーモアを込めて返すのよ。▼

[マークス]

………… 異議に対してユーモアを込める？わからない、一体どうやればいいのだ。▼

[ルーナ]

そうねぇ… こんなのはどうかしら。▼ 誰かが異議ありっていうでしょう。そうしたらこう返すの。▼ 異議を唱えられるなんで悔しい… いぎぎぎぎぎぎぎぎぎ！！▼ 異議だけに。▼

Selena: OK, let’s get started! …First, for example, at a war meeting, someone says something, and it’s an objection (igi)! So what should you do? Give a response that’s full of humor!

Xander: ………… A response to the objection that’s full of humor? I don’t know, what on earth should I do?

Selena: Yeah… what should you do? So someone gave an objection, right? Here’s how you should respond! You should laugh out loud in an annoying tone… “I gi gi gi gi gi gi gi gi gi!!” Because it’s an objection (igi)!

Camilla

Nothing to mention.

Leo

The very beginning of C has a different tone. Leo’s second sentence in his first bit of dialogue, which I think can come off as rude, doesn’t seem so in the Japanese.

Localization:

Selena: Woohoo! That was amazing!

Leo: Selena, why are you yelling? At this volume, the entire army can hear you!

Japanese:

[ルーナ]

えへへ…▼

[レオン]

ご機嫌だな。ルーナ。▼

Selena: Ah ha ha…

Leo: You’re in a good mood, Selena.

And the English added a lot to this line in B…

Localization:

Leo: And yet it is. You lost...again. Selena, you must cease repeating the same action and expecting different results. You do realise that is the definition of insanity, yes? In any case, please excuse me. I have other matters to attend to.

Japanese:

[レオン]

もうやめよう。何度やっても結果は同じだ。▼

Leo: Just give up already. No matter how many times we play, the result will be the same.

And here’s a line from A…

Localization:

Leo: Indeed, you are the victor. The winner. The champion. The nonpareil. Satisfied?

[レオン]

ああ。

お前が一番だ。▼

Leo: Yeah, you’re number one!

Looks like in this case, Leo was the one made out to be a bit meaner. But that change is subtle, and the overall tone is faithful to the original.

Arthur

There’s some added minor lines throughout the supports, such as…

“…things haven't been all peaches and sidekicks…”

“Wow, I'm a really bad judge of cart character.”

“I should have warned you that I'm a hopeless case.”

“Look, forget I said anything! Maybe we could just get some tea to start?”

“I...I kind of like looking after you.”

Also, this part of A was changed a bit, to an event that makes more sense given the circumstance.

Localization:

Selena: Look! The clothes that got all wet... I was worried they were too bright. But some of the dye has washed away with the rain. Now they're perfect!

Japanese:

[ルーナ]

この服…一点ものだったから買っちゃったけど、ちょっとサイズが大きかったのよね…▼ でも雨に濡れたせいで縮んで… ぴったりサイズになったわ…▼ まさかの展開よ…▼

Selena: The clothes I bought… they were a little big, but since there was only one of each, I bought them anyway… But when they got wet, they shrunk… and now the size is perfect… what a turn of events…

And at the very end of S, there was no mention of shopping.

Localization:

Arthur: Now then...shall we go shopping? I believe you have a dress to buy.

Selena: Woo! This day just keeps getting better and better!

In place of these lines, Arthur just said 楽しくやっていこう – “Let’s enjoy every day that we have together.”

Odin

A few of Odin’s lines were made more flowery, but there’s no changes to mention about Severa or the conversation in general. Not that Odin isn’t flowery in the Japanese, but his localization version often kicks the “flowery speech dial” up to 11.

Here’s a couple of examples.

From C…

Localization:

Odin: Selena! A spell of gloom has ensnared you! Hold and allow me to dispel it! Depart or be destroyed, evil magic! Release Selena from her torment! *gasp* It remains unaffected! I must prepare another chant...

Japanese:

[オーディン]

どうした、ルーナ。表情が冴えないぞ。▼

Odin: What’s the matter, Selena? You look troubled.

From S…

Localization:

Odin: Hearken to me, goddess of mine heart! I bring glad tidings!

Japanese:

[オーディン]

来てくれたか、ルーナ。待ったぞ。▼

Odin: Thanks for coming, Selena. I’ve been waiting!

Niles

This set of support conversations is riddled with small changes that don’t change the tone or meaning. The S convo, in particular, has quite a few differences, but the conversation is essentially the same. I currently have this one on my list of conversations to translate in its entirely, but until then, I’ve picked out quite a few changes.

A couple of lines in C were a bit different:

Localization:

Niles: Who's to say you aren't?

Japanese:

[ゼロ]

敵、とは思っていない。▼ ただ…完璧に信用しているわけでもないがな。▼

Niles: I wasn’t thinking that you are an enemy. But… that doesn’t mean I trust that you are without flaws.

Localization:

Niles: Lord/Lady Avatar seems to trust you, so I will grant you some leeway. But know this—I am watching you.

Japanese:

[ゼロ]

最初に言ったが… お前を敵と思っているわけではない。▼ だが、下手な真似はするなよ？俺は…お前を見ているからな。▼

Niles: As I said before… I don’t necessarily think that you are an enemy. But don’t do anything funny. I’m… watching you.

There’s a number of small changes in B.

Localization:

Niles: I told you...I'm watching you.

Selena: Even while I'm shopping? Yeesh! I really don't need any more stalkers, OK?

Niles: I'm well within my rights to follow you around like this.

Selena: Oh, so we're just making up nonsense now? In that case, I'm well within my rights to knock your block off!

Niles: I'm just making sure you're not up to anything nefarious. And I thought while I was at it, I might as well help you stick to a budget, too. Do you really need all of those trinkets?

Selena: Ugh! Look, I might use them someday... Wait, why am I explaining myself to you? Get out of here!

Japanese:

[ゼロ]

言ったはずだ… 俺はお前を見ている、とな。▼

[ルーナ]

だ、だからと言って…▼ 買い物してるとこを監視しなくてもいいじゃない！▼

[ゼロ]

俺の勝手だな。好きにさせてもらう。▼

[ルーナ]

っていうか、勝手に口出ししないでくれる！？▼ 買い物してるときが、あたしの至福のときなんだから！▼

[ゼロ]

買い過ぎだ。そんなに大量のランプがいるのか？▼

[ルーナ]

な、何かに使えるかもしれないでしょ？いいから、あたしのことは放っておいてよ！

Niles: I’m doing what I said I would. Keep an eye on you.

Selena: I-It’s what you said you would do, but you don’t have to follow me around while I’m shopping!

Niles: It’s what I feel like doing. So let me do it.

Selena: And will you mind your own business!? When I’m shopping,

Niles: You’re buying too much. Do you need so many giant lamps?

Selena: I-I can probably use them for something! Now leave me alone!

A change from A:

Localization:

Niles: I'm sorry, I'm not as practiced in dishing out praise, so this may be a bit clunky.

Japanese:

[ゼロ]

人を褒めるのは得意ではないが… 特別に褒めてやろう。ありがたく思え。▼

Niles: Praising others is not one of my strong points… So praise, coming from me, is special. You should be thankful.

Laslow

I translated this one for a request, so there’s no need to discuss it here. Here’s the links to the translation: C – B – A – S

Peri

No changes to mention.

Beruka

In the B Support, when Selena says it’s okay for Beruka to be completely engrossed in what she loves, Beruka laughs, and Selena yells at her not to. That’s totally left out in the English.

In the A Support, Beruka’s final line (“But maybe it's OK to enjoy myself once in a while...”) is not in the Japanese.

Benny

At the end of C, the English leaves out these last few lines of Selena’s…

万が一、あたしが失敗しそうになったら、全力で助けないと許さないんだから！▼ むしろ、少しでも危ないと感じたら、風よりも速く動いて助けなさいよね！▼

But in the unlikely event that I fail and you don’t come to save me with all of your might, I’ll never forgive you! Or if it looks like I am in a bit of danger, then please move faster than the wind and save me!

At the end of B, the English cuts out Selena giving a tsundere’s “thank you,” and cuts out a couple of lines.

Localization:

Benny: It was pretty close. You, um, almost had it though?

Selena: I wasn't even close. But nice try.

Benny: Just trying to help...

Japanese:

[ブノワ]

間一髪だったがな…▼

[ルーナ]

…ありがと。▼

[ブノワ]

…ん？

今、何か言ったか？▼

[ルーナ]

な、何も言ってないわよ！▼

言ってないけど…

次からはちゃんと聞いてなさいよね！▼

[ブノワ]

あ、ああ…

よくわからないが…わかった…▼

Benny: You almost had it, though…

Selena: …Thanks.

Benny: …Huh? What did you just say?

Selena: I-I didn’t say anything! I didn’t say anything, but… next time, listen more carefully to me!

Benny: Um, uh… I don’t get it, but… okay…

And in S, the English changed one of her common lines.

Localization:

Selena: I hope you're up to the job of loving me. It's a big deal! Not everyone can do it!

Japanese:

あ、あたしを幸せにしないと… 絶対にゆるさないんだからね！▼

But if you don’t make me happy… then I’ll never, ever forgive you!

Keaton

Since the localization removes a lot of Selena’s tsundere behavior, I thought for sure that this one would be pretty different. But, it’s actually very faithful! The only major difference to note is in S. In the Japanese, Keaton asks Selena to marry him, not just date him.

Localization:

Keaton: I just think we should be together! Like, as a couple!

Selena: Wh-what?!

Keaton: Is it really that much of a shock?

Selena: Of course it is! I had no idea you felt that way. You never said anything! And aren't you supposed to court someone before asking to become a couple?! What's wrong with you? Asking me to be with you without a single date!

Japanese:

[フランネル]

あれだよ…ほら… お前さ…俺と結婚しろよ。▼

[ルーナ]

…え？ええええええ！？▼

[フランネル]

そ、そんなに驚くことか？▼

[ルーナ]

当たり前じゃない！だって、結婚よ？　結婚？▼ というか… どこが大した話じゃないのよ！▼ これ以上、重要な話って他にないくらいの話じゃない！▼

Keaton: Well… you see… you… and I, let’s get married!

Selena: …Wha? Whaaaaaat!?

Keaton: Y-You’re that surprised?

Selena: If course! Marriage, you say! Marriage!? That… That’s a big deal, isn’t it!? There’s no conversation that’s heavier than this one!

Setsuna

From the A Support…

Selena: I guess I don’t mind the idea of being friends with you… You are kind of a big pain, but at least I’m never bored around you…

Setsuna: Really? That’s good to hear…

Selena: But that’s not really a compliment! I don’t think I’d give compliments to someone as inattentive as you.

Setsuna: I’m inventive… Thank you for the compliment…

[ルーナ]

で、でも別に褒めてるわけじゃないからねっ！▼ あんたみたいな図々しい人、褒めるわけないんだから！▼

[セツナ]

図々しいだなんて… 褒めてくれてうれしい…▼

[ルーナ]

だーかーらー！褒めてないんだって！▼

[セツナ]

そうなの…？ざんねん…▼

Selena: B-But this doesn’t mean I’m giving you a compliment! I could never compliment a shameless person like you!

Setsuna: You said ‘’m shameless… I’m so happy that you complimented me…

Selena: But I’m not complimenting you!!

Setsuna: Really…? That’s too bad…?

Hinata

A couple of lines were cut out of the localization. Once again, it’s Selena’s “you better make me happy” line.

[ルーナ]

絶対に…幸せにしなさいよ？じゃないと、許さないんだからね？▼

[ヒナタ]

ああ！俺にまかせとけ！▼

Selena: But… you must make me happy. If you don’t, I’ll never forgive you.

Hinata: Okay! You can count on me!

Subaki

In the S Support, Subaki asks Selena to marry him in the Japanese, not to become a couple.

Conclusion

Whether or not someone is satisfied with the localization is, as always, left up to the individual. But in a refreshing change from Awakening, with the exception of her support with Corrin, Selena is mostly untouched in this game. Fans can be happy to know Selena is pretty much the same as her Japanese self this time, with minor conversation edits that don’t change the intent of the original Japanese. I hope that she gained a lot more fans this time around!

#selena #severa #fire emblem #fates #awakening #conquest #revelation #nintendo #3ds #2ds #japan #japanese #translation #localization #support conversation

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fictionfactorygames · 7 years

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The Icy Slopes of PAX

As I shift this blog away from “strictly project updates” and into “personal updates that won’t fit in 250 characters” we find ourselves in interesting and somewhat archaic turf. I used to post to my LiveJournal (ha!) all the time with essays on what’s been happening in my life. Let’s resume doing that, shall we?

Last weekend I was up in Boston for PAX East.

Let me be incredibly negative up front, because I’d like to load up on the positive afterwards.

Everything about PAX was great. Everything around PAX was absolute hell. Boston in March means blizzards and sub-freezing temperatures, gale force freezing winds, and airport delays due to breakdowns and rerouting and weather issues. This is a lousy time and a lousy place to combine together for a nerd convention, and it resulted in two solid days of travel hell. Add on top of that the lack of really good hotels close to the convention center (the Westin is perpetually unavailable) and you’re gonna have a bad time. Our hotel, the Element, was a weeeeird “hostel” style hotel. It had a kitchen! …with no grocery store around for two miles. It had a foyer and a desk and a couch! …and incredibly tight walking spaces around the beds. Too much stuff we didn’t need crammed into too little space.

And while I don’t wanna appear whiny… being disabled at a large-scale public event like this sucks real bad. Everything others take for granted… the ability to use any old random chair, bed, shower, or toilet… I don’t get that. I need adaptations, tools, or helpers for every single thing I want to do. The Boston Convention Center is a complete mismash of weirdly random toilet heights, none of which are kept particularly tidy, all of which have lines and irate bastards waiting to pee. When I finally do get back to the hotel room, I can’t even go to bed on my own because those big-ass queen sized hotel beds are 65% as tall as I am and I can’t climb in. So, yeah. It’s not fun. It’s very, very not fun.

And there’s always the question of: what’s the tipping point? When does the not-fun outweigh the fun? In past years, when it was merely cold and not apocalyptic, or when we had a better hotel… that was clear. This year was more balanced, and that’s bad. I haven’t given up hope, though, and I can say for sure that there was some fun to be had.

So let’s talk about what was fun: games. Here’s everything I played and what I thought of it. My main focus was indie games, particularly arcadey ones that’ll run on my arcade cabinet. You can keep your AAA’d open world military shooters; those are a waste to demo while at PAX. Instead I went for the weird stuff.

Adult Swim Games brought out a number of heavy hitters. Kingsway, a game that plays like using a Windows 95-esque operating system? Innovative as hell. Battle Chef Brigade? Saw it on Kickstarter, didn’t think much of it at the time, but boy is it a blast to sit down and play. Katana Zero? Delicious pixelly murder. My friend Sean Baptiste was there showing off the goods, and boy howdy were they good. I kinda like this niche ASG’s carved out for themselves, curating a fine roster of indie talent that always brings something a little new and a little quirky to the table, without sacrificing quality to get there. Oh, and the best part? The dev for Battle Chef Brigade actually took his demo unit apart because the cord on the controller wasn’t long enough to reach short l’il me. I’m no journo, I’m no influencer, I’m just some schmuck and yet he still went the extra mile for disability support. That’s professionalism.

Then there’s the Visual Novel Reading Room, which was a tiny expo hall inside a smaller expo hall (the Indie Megabooth) inside the actual expo hall. Here’s where all the Renpy games landed, ranging from amusingly stereotypical otome stuff (Spirit Parade) to weird death game datesim shenanigans (Date or Die) and some things I really wish I’d played but missed (We Know The Devil). It’s not all my flavor but it’s all good research for my own future aspirations, showing what’s possible and what’s tried and true in the form. …but more on that later. Later. Patience, friends. Patience.

Other random games I found included an arcadey realtime strategy game with beautiful pixel art (Tooth and Tail), a cute Ouendan-style game for iOS with a hiphop culture vibe (Floor Kids) and a goofy litttle game about dogs barking at people to make them throw their food in the air (Russian Subway Dogs). All cute, all easily overlooked, but all worth your time. Indies are tricky, because often they’re tucked away in obscure little corners of the expo hall, overlooked by many… and I try to make a point to walk right up and play anything that has no crowd. I take business cards, I offer feedback. Good stuff.

A special shoutout goes to Fantasy Strike, an amazing fighting game. Unlike others, ‘special moves’ are single button presses, not complex combination inputs… they want to take the busywork out of fighting games, stripping them down to a pure game of positioning and timing. Skill, not execution. Why highlight it with its own paragraph in this post? ’cause I talked with one of the devs about my arcade cab and spreadsheet, and how well the game worked on it. Discussed key remapping for disability, 4:3 screen ratios, and how badly Street Fighter V got everything wrong. A good discussion and again, he didn’t have to have it with me. He chose to step away and talk shop a bit. And that’s the kind of thing that only happens at PAX.

Speaking of “only at PAX,” how about panels? I’m always impressed by how diverse and interesting the panel lineup is, every year. You’d think amidst the insanity of the Gate Which We Do Not Speak Of that there’d be a pushback on social or identity issues and gaming, but no! They’re out in full force, across a wide spectrum, and there’s something for everyone at PAX. I personally helped my friend Miellyn run a “How to PAX” panel for newbies, which was a lot of fun. The “Romance in Games” panel with Sean and Miellyn and others I knew was also great, even if a burning need to pee kinda distracted me from the crazy antics. Plenty of comedy on offer too, with the Paxamania wrestling farce for good cringey humor, the Jackbox Games panel for professional funny people being professionally funny, and of course Acquisitions Inc.’s D&D show. I could’ve watched it all on Twitch, yes, but being there in person adds a special zing to it all.

There’s plenty I didn’t get to do, for lack of time. (Sadly waiting in line for events takes a loooot of time.) I didn’t cruise the tabletop area very much. I only swooped by the artists and musicians with wares for sale… just long enough to buy a massively expensive but beautiful (to me, anyway) Galaga arcade artwork painting. The classic retro arcade was flat out missing this year, which is a shame. And there’s freeplay areas, and tournaments, and other things I missed…

…but there’s always next year. Assuming I don’t look away from Twitter for twenty minutes and all the tickets are sold, anyway. If they aren’t, I’ll see you there.

#webnovel

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monster-mum · 6 years

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Tricks of the trade

Being a child was a lot of fun, being an adult is not as much fun. Sure, there are some positives like driving, staying out as late as you want and not getting grounded every five minutes, that might just be specific to me, but the cons are the icing on the cake as far growing up is concerned. Paying bills, cooking, cleaning, cooking, generally taking care of the universe, as well as getting grey hairs and wrinkles and cooking are just the tip of the ice burg. I think many of us took being a kid for granted, youth is most definitely wasted on the young. I would be an awesome kid if I could go back and do it again, I mean I did a pretty good job the first time around but there is definitely room for improvement. No two people’s childhoods were the same but one thing I think everyone has in common is the big bag of tricks we all used on our parents. Whether it was becoming severely dehydrated about half an hour after bedtime or pretending not to hear our parents calling us in when we were out playing, we all had our things. I can remember thinking myself very clever and original for all the tricks I used to pull on my Mum and Dad. I felt confident that I was the first child ever to do these things, even though my parents would tell me they did the same things when they were my age, I thought it was all bravado. That was until I had our biggest monster, Steven, and I quickly learnt that not only was I not original in my manipulations but I was not particularly clever at delivering them.

I can remember one time me and my mum had a falling out. Allegedly, yes allegedly, I had graffitied a wall around the corner from our house. It was no Picasso but I had signed my name at the bottom nevertheless. As I said above, I was not particularly clever at times. This meant I was in big trouble. I was grounded. I hated being grounded, it sucked. It wasn’t until I got older that I realised that it was likely that my Mum didn’t enjoy grounding me either, and not just because parents generally don’t like having to discipline or tell their kids off. I can remember being told I was grounded to my room, except for to use the bathroom obviously. It drove me mad being in my room. It was a tiny room and was pretty rubbish on all accounts as far as bedrooms go. There was no chance I would disobey though as that could result in an extended sentence. So, I came up with a plan. I was bored, fed-up and irritable, so that meant my Mum should feel something similar. Now my Mum’s rules said that I wasn’t allowed out of my room, but there was nothing about being silent or having the door closed in said rules. I sat along the line between my room and the hallway with the door open and I began to sing very loudly and not particularly tunefully either. I decided this wasn’t enough, so I began to bang on the floor with my feet and on the cupboard with my hand. It didn’t feel like too long had passed when my Mum ordered me out of the house. Success! Victory!

Another of my ‘tricks’ was to ‘run away.’ I know that this is probably hard to believe but I was grounded quite regularly as a child and teenager, shocking I know! Thinking that my Mum was over reacting about whatever I had allegedly done, I would ‘run away.’ This involved me packing a bag, usually containing a couple of books and maybe a change of clothes, I would tell my Mum I had had enough and was running away. “Would you like a lift to the train station or bus station?” she would ask. No fricking way Mum! If she dropped me at either station it was going to be a long walk home and there was no way I was dealing with that. I had no intention of running away and didn’t she know it. This was a game between us. So off I went, running away on foot. I’d go and hang out with my friends all day and then when I got hungry I would head home. Dinner was usually around five so I made sure to be back by then. There was never a time when there wasn’t enough food prepared for me to eat too, it was almost as if she knew I’d be back. My brother was not quite so good at this game. One time he was in trouble, he rarely got told off, he was the good child. Anyway, somehow he’d managed to get into trouble and for once I had nothing to do with it. He declared proud and bold “I am running away!” Our Mum responded with the usual question of station drop offs and the silly boy said “yes please.” So off Mum and Andrew go heading to the train station, she drops him off and pulls away. From what I was told he had a bit of a meltdown which ended in him apologising and begging to come home. He obviously did not realise that Mum had no intention of abandoning him at the station. I don’t think he ran away again. Funny boy.

I know that I have this kind of thing to look forward to with my three monsters. Steven tests the boundaries every now and then. His favourite thing to do is pretend he can’t hear us. Unfortunately for Steven we had his hearing tested a few months back. It turns out he has really good hearing so we know full well he can hear us, as does Steven, which explains the smirk on his face when I say “Steven, I know you can hear me because we had your hearing tested and you have super hearing.” He is a lot easier to talk around, Lyla is a completely different kettle of fish.

I’ve spoken about Lyla before and how unique she is, she is also stubborn and very clever in the art of manipulation and all things related to it. She is a lot like me when I was younger. Lyla will argue black is white with you just because she can, it can be pretty exhausting at times, but it is marvellous how her mind works.

Set scene: We’re running late (as usual) so I’ve asked the kids to get themselves into the car. I get to the car with Lachlan and find that Steven is sat in his seat with his belt on reading a book, meanwhile Lyla is sat in the driver’s seat pressing every button and pulling every lever she can. I clip Lachlan in and walk around to begin what I am hoping is going to be a quick and straightforward Lyla extraction from the driver’s seat.

Me: “Lyla come on we’re in a rush, get into the back please and into your seat.”

Lyla: “No I’m going to drive.”

Me: “Lyla Please get into your seat.”

Lyla: smiles and laughs, uh oh “No!” she then reaches over and slams the door closed.

Oh good, she’s in one of these moods. I take a deep breath, maybe a different approach will work. I open the car door.

Me: “Lyla, come on please. I asked you in the house to come out and get into your seat and you haven’t done that have you?”

Lyla: “No you didn’t.”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Lyla: Looking at me as though I am a completely ridiculous person “No you didn’t Mummy.” She sits up and tries to turn the steering wheel “Actually I am going to change my name, I am now Rainbow Dash”

Me: “That’s a lovely name Lyla…”

Lyla: “My name is Rainbow Dash not Lyla!”

Me: “Okay Lyla, I mean Rainbow Dash. You have a very beautiful name.”

She puffs up looking chuffed with herself.

Lyla: “I know.”

So modest.

Me: “Okay Rainbow Dash, beautiful unicorn, princess queen of rainbows can you move into your royal seat in the back next to Steven please?”

Lyla: “Mummy, I am actually a queen in real life you know.”

Me: “Oh wow. That must be fun. Would her royal highness like to sit in her royal car seat?” I step back and bow. I will win this battle she is only four how hard can it be to outwit a four-year-old.

Lyla smiles and relishes in the compliments. Oooooh I am winning! Ha! I am Queen of dealing with kids!

BANG!

Lyla slams the car door and laughs at me while I am mid bow, she then tries to lock the car, luckily she doesn’t know how. I look in the back to check on Steven and Lachlan trying to see what they are making of their insane sister. Those poor boys. I squash my face against the window and see that Lachlan is asleep and Steven looks to be oblivious to all the goings on. All of a sudden Steven glances up from his book and see’s Lyla in the front, he appears confused and looks around finally noticing me with my smooshed up face against the window. He smiles, waves and then points at Lyla in the driver’s seat mouthing “Lyla’s in the front Mummy!” Cheers Steven! Geez this child, I wish I could switch off the way he does. I mouth “I know”, he then responds with “She can’t drive.” Good point Steven, silly me for attempting to let my unstable four-year-old drive our car. What was I thinking? Pushing my desperate need to say “Reeeeeealllly” in the most sarcastic voice known to man I go with “Okay” and two thumbs up. Just as I am about to ask for his help he puts his head back down and continues to read. I take a couple of deep breaths and say my dealing with Lyla mantra of “I am the adult, she is the child, I am the adult, she is the child” and add a “you can do this” to boost my confidence.

I open the car door, again.

Lyla: “Oh hello. Who are you?”

Urgh!

Me: “Oh hello, I am Mummy and I am here to drive you to Steven’s art club. Shall I help you into your special seat in the back next to Steven?”

Lyla: “No. I am going to drive but Mummy I am going to let you sit in the front next to me because you are a good, clever Mummy and it’s a special treat.”

Gee thanks four-year-old me.

Me: “Lyla…”

Lyla: “My name is RAINBOW DASH!”

Me: “…sorry, Rainbow Dash. You can’t drive as you can’t reach the peddles.”

Lyla: “I don’t need to reach the peddles.”

Me: “You need to use the peddles to drive.”

Lyla: “No you don’t”

Me: “Yes you do.”

Lyla: “Nope.”

I suddenly flashback to a moment two years earlier. Lyla and I were arguing about her getting in the car when my friend Emily walked past on her way to work laughing at me. “Why are you arguing with a two-year-old?” She said. Good point Emily! Why am I arguing with a two-year-old?

Why am I arguing with a four-year-old? This is one of Lyla’s clever tricks to use on me, Chris and any other adult who falls for it. She gets you to argue the point with her, so much so that you don’t even realise you are doing it. That and trying to keep up with her name changes you end up mentally multitasking. It’s exhausting.

“I am the adult, she is the child. We’ve got this.” (Apparently there is more than one person in my brain?).

Me: “Right Lyla it’s time to go. I’ve asked very nicely and now I have to use my Mummy voice. You guys know how much I hate doing that, so come on please get into the back of the car.”

Lyla: “Okay Mummy, because you said please.”

I’m pretty sure I said please before but I am not going to open that can of worms. I get my clever wee girl strapped tightly into her seat, triple checking she can’t get out. I close the door and climb into the driver’s seat, get my belt on and turn the car on.

Steven: his head still in his book “Mummy, are we there yet?”

I lower my head to the steering wheel and press my forehead against it. With Lachlan’s gentle snores, Steven’s question and Lyla restrained like a feral beast into her chair, I begin to countdown the hours to bedtime.

Me: “Only six hours and counting.”

Steven: “What’s six hours Mummy?”

Me: “You guy’s bedtime.”

Steven: smiling “That’s aaaaaages away Mummy”

Me: Silently sobbing into the steering wheel “I know.”

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