#also it's literally april who in the actual fuck is graduating in fucking april
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i hate the internet so much, jason having to clarify that the grad ceremony was literally just some fun bc ppl are shocked that a 34 year old man drank a beer like wtf is wrong w ppl
#listen i'm used to the whole sports hate thing i've been following sports my whole life#but the thing is travis literally gets hate for fucking breathing these days#it's so fucking absurd oh my god#like ik it's cos of his relationship which is so fucking stupid n that#n the hate only fires him up more (see bills n ravens games)#but STILLL#like travis is probably one of the least problematic people there is#not saying he's perfect cos he's not but he's not as bad as ppl make him out to be#also it's literally april who in the actual fuck is graduating in fucking april#people are so fucking dumb my god#sorry i'm grrrr#after saying all that i feel much better#n if u read all this i love u x#wait no i have one more thing to say#it's just funny to me that ppl mad at travis for everything he does#are the same ones who are like oooh woke oooh snowflake#like u can't handle a 34 year old man having a beer#or saying viva las vegas (which like why ppl got mad idk cos there is genuinely#not a better time to say viva las vegas after winning the fucking super bowl#in fucking vegas like ???)#like maybe ur the snowflakes x
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a donation post, but not for me.
so. the graduate workers at the school I'm about to graduate from are on strike. they* have been on strike for 3 weeks at this point. this has happened because our university administration has shown up all year long to gaslight us at the bargaining table. we showed up, passed proposals, and they refused to pass us back any counteroffers. they spent most of this past year arguing with us about whether or not union members would be allowed to observe the bargaining process. they called in multiple mediators at multiple different times, trying to paint our union as acting unfairly/uncooperatively in this situation, and every time the impartial mediator was like "no this is fine, you should bargain with them, in fact what is your problem here exactly?"
this university is making a big performative deal out of DEI efforts, but pays its workers below the poverty line,** which of course means that graduate education here is effectively inaccessible for people who don't have family money. grad students I know have sold their plasma to make ends meet. and we are asking for many extremely reasonable things: like "don't cut our real wages"*** and "make adjustments to the childcare vouchers so people can actually use them" and "do better with protecting healthcare for trans grad workers and also with protections for survivors of sexual assault and harrassment"****. we are also asking for the creation of a nonviolent crisis response team. it's a lot of things, but a lot of them are pretty fucking basic, and we have gotten nowhere on any of that.
well, that's not entirely true. we have gotten to court. multiple times. because this administration hired fancy and expensive lawyers to sue us instead of bargaining. one of them actually said in court that they could not find more than one undergrad witness that says they have been harmed because we, their classroom instructors, are scaring them the same way a domestic abuser terrorizes their victim. literally the Larry Nasser sex abuse lawyers compared us to domestic abusers. we won one injunction and lost another (nonbinding) case.
and now, the university has decided to pay grad workers only $100 for the entire April paycheck. they saw my colleagues were starving and they said, instead of your regular salary that you already say can't cover rent, have $100. they are doing this not only to striking workers who didn't fill out this bullshit "attestation form" to say they are working, but also to workers who did fill out the form and are scabbing. also a ton of grad workers didn't even see this form because it went straight to the spam folder. this admin is extremely bad at their jobs, except when the job is to be cruel.
all of which is to say, if you have anything to spare, send it over to our union's strike fund. a bunch of folks, myself included, gave $101 just to say we paid a grad student more than the university did this month.
*not me, I'm on fellowship
** for a single-person household, as defined by the city where we live
*** nominal wage = real wage + inflation. inflation has been going absolutely hogwild lately, and admin is offering a small % wage increase that doesn't keep up with the inflation rate. and in fact is so small relative to inflation that it would erase the gains of our past 2 contract cycles.
**** our institution has had big, public problems with this recently
#academia#solidarity#like. is there also a ton of union drama? yes. do i loathe a lot of our union leadership? also yes#but we have people who are really struggling and suffering and all because they asked to please be able to eat and get housing
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A STUDY IN YOU, chapter fifteen
table of contents | talk to me & join the tag list | the playlist
April 29th, 2019
The city was warm with anticipation of summer. Somehow May was around the corner--and despite the smile on Sophie’s face when your phone lit up on the table, your stomach did a flip when her eyes met yours.
It was a stand-off for a second, a dimple appeared on her cheek and she sipped her cocktail, waiting to see if you’d say anything.
“What?”
“...Are you avoiding him?”
You rolled your eyes. Max and Naomi were stuck at their internships late, and you should have known that a night alone with Sophie would include an interrogation complete with suspicious glances and nosy questions.
The setting? Your usual booth at O’Halloran’s.
“No, I’m not avoiding him.”
“That’s the second time he’s texted you and you won’t even open it.”
“I’m with you,” you brought your drink up and slurped it through the straw. “I’m being polite.”
“Fuck being polite--I want the details.”
“There’s no update, no new details” you confessed.
Her eyebrows arched, “none?”
You shrugged. “I think he’s taking a step back. Because of graduation.”
Now her eyebrows inverted, furrowed across her forehead when her nose crinkled in confusion. “Isn’t graduation the answer to all of your prayers? You can finally bone him without the guilt!”
“I don’t think that’s necessarily true,” you blinked a few times.
Sophie leaned back in the booth, apparently she didn’t agree with you and the look on her face made that clear. Instead of replying to your remark, she kept her eyes on you for a second.
“What’s the roadblock for you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why won’t you just tell him you’re into him?”
You sighed, partially embarrassed that it was that obvious, but also relieved that it wasn’t a secret you had to protect…at least not with Sophie.
“Because that wasn’t supposed to happen--this was just supposed to be some fun and casual thing and I’m the one who fucked it up by catching feelings,” you rolled your eyes at yourself, groaned a little when Sophie smiled behind the rim of her drink.
“You didn’t fuck it up,” she assured. You forgot how good Sophie was at calming your nerves…sometimes. “And in the words of the hottest woman on the planet Selena Gomez, the heart wants what it wants.”
Right, and there was that charming sense of humor. She wiggled her eyebrows at you, obviously trying to get a laugh and help you fucking chill.
You smiled, let your shoulder slump a little when you took another sip. “Well, feelings only work if it’s reciprocal.”
“How do you know it’s not?”
“He’s my advisor, our professor--” you nodded at his titles, how on earth was she not understanding this?
“Who’s slept over your house, taken you out to eat…licked your pussy--”
“Okay,” you held a hand up quickly to cut her off, stifling a quick laugh at her vulgarity. “Doesn’t negate his actual role in my life.”
“So you’re just gonna let this pass you by?” Sophie’s eyes narrowed now, her tone more serious when you let your eyes fall back to your phone. A reminder buzzed--two iMessages!!
“I don’t know. I mean, when am I supposed to tell him? And what do I do if he says he doesn’t feel the same?”
She took the last sip of her drink. “Well, we’re literally about to go on a trip to Europe with him and that feels like a really romantic experience,” she said all of this like it was obvious, like you were an idiot for not realizing the way the universe was setting you up for a slam dunk.
“And if he isn’t on the same page,” she shrugged, “you come home and lick your wounds and you only have to see him at work.”
“Another reason I shouldn’t do this,” you pointed a finger at her.
“False,” she pointed her finger right back at you. “Another reason you need to be honest and mature and--” she cut herself off, surprised by her own depth and sincerity. “Jesus,” she made a face. “When did I turn into some lesbian Oprah?”
You laughed, she slid out of the booth and went to fetch another round. You picked up your phone when she was far enough away.
Jason Sudeikis (7:12pm): Found this in my laundry, assuming it’s yours?
A picture right below his message, the black bra you were sure had gotten lost at the wash and fold down the block. You felt your lips pull into a smile at his implication, whose else would it be?
You didn’t reply. Instead, you sat with the realization that Sophie was right.
But at least you didn’t have to tell her that.
Surprisingly, she left you alone the week leading up to the trip. You went with her to campus to pick up your caps and gowns, Naomi was an anxious mess as she prepared to showcase her work, and Max was just as panicked about packing as he’d been the year before.
But this time you all knew what to expect. The flights, the hotel, the coastal city and the charm of sipping fruity cocktails in the evening glow. Which is exactly what you did on your first night there.
“Okay,” Max said once he’d successfully captured the boomerang of your clinking glasses. He flipped his sunglasses back down and leaned back in his chair, a long sip when he looked around the circle. “We’re here, we actually did it.”
Cannes was bustling with people in town for the festival. The beaches were packed and the streets echoed with excitement and allure.
“Three long years later,” Sophie smiled. “Hard to believe, sort of.”
“Hard to believe Naomi’s going to be famous after this weekend,” you eyed her with a smile. She spent most of the plane ride over sleeping, claimed that any time she spent awake now was simply filled with anticipation and anxiety a healthy dose of holy fucking shit.
You could relate.
Naomi clutched a hand to her heart and grinned. “Thanks for coming, you guys. It means a lot, really.”
“Thanks for the excuse to come back! I’ll drink cocktails with you three anywhere, but this place rocks.” Max laughed.
“Okay,” Sophie’s glass floated in the air when she let her eyes scan the three of you. “What's our must do list this weekend?”
“Must do?” Naomi asked, you were glad you weren’t the only one confused.
Sophie straightened up to explain. “The stuff we absolutely have to do here before we leave. Obviously Friday night,” she shrugged, the night of the screening.
“Can we please do a bougie dinner on Saturday or Sunday?” Max pouted. “I didn’t eat enough when we were here last year.”
“Yes,” Sophie pointed at him in agreement. “For sure.”
“Let’s do Sunday, though.”
And just like that, three heads swiveled towards you. You sipped your drink and blinked behind your sunglasses. “What?”
Naomi smirked. “Do you have plans for Saturday night?”
“Potentially,” you shrugged. “I don’t know what, but—“
“You don’t know what?” Max’s face lit up. “It’s a surprise?!”
“Okay,” you tried to backtrack, voice automatically quiet. “Calm down. He texted me this morning and said keep Saturday night free if I can. So, here I am. Keeping Saturday free.”
You nodded slowly to make sure they understood. This wasn’t a big deal. You were just doing what you were told.
“And you don’t know why?” Max clarified.
“No.”
“Wow,” Sophie nodded. “A little romantic rendezvous in the South of France!”
“Or it’s just us having dinner or something—“
“Even you can’t be dumb enough to think that,” Max challenged, eyes narrowed when the corner of his lips twitched into a smirk.
You fought the smile on your face for three whole seconds, but when Naomi caught your eye you were done for.
“I don’t know, okay? I’m not sure what he wants or where things are heading and I am trying to not panic.”
They all nodded sympathetically.
“But this trip is not about my clandestine melodrama,” you reminded.
Sophie ignored this. “Are you going to talk to him?”
You let out a huff, slightly bothered that she brought it up in front of Max and Naomi, but also uncomfortable in the spotlight. “I don’t know,” you shrugged. “Maybe. Let’s see what happens on Saturday and I’ll consider it.”
Apparently that was good enough for her. She looked back at Max and Naomi and took other requests for weekend plans: drinks at a rooftop bar near the hotel, a morning at the beach and plenty of yummy glasses of rosé and whatever other alcohol tickled your fancy.
By midnight you were all jet-lagged enough to be face down in pillows, Sophie’s snoring was was enough to interrupt your slumber on a few occasions and sharing a bed with Max didn’t make for a restful night either. Oh well.
May 11th, 2019
Swanky music played in the hotel bar, you clinked a glass of champagne against Naomi’s when Sophie said a few words. The greatest of the great, nobody deserves it more.
You hadn’t seen him yet. You’d taken the elevator down and saw a few other students that milled about, ordered glasses of prosecco this time. Max was desperate for a change.
A dress much nicer than last year, one you could afford with your upcoming NBC paychecks. Marina approached after saying hi to some NYU kids you recognized from campus. She smiled when she hugged Max in greeting but when she saw you, she offered a look that was hard to read.
“Fancy seeing you all here!”
“We couldn’t miss Naomi’s big moment,” Sophie smiled, pushing her glass against Marina’s when she humble-bragged for your friend.
Marina grinned, “yes--I’ve heard, a huge accomplishment, Naomi, you should be very proud.��
“I’m definitely trying to soak it all in,” she nodded. “Trying to not throw up.”
“Completely understandable,” Marina reassured with an apologetic smile. “But I hope you do plenty of celebrating, this is an important week for you!”
“We’re forcing the celebration,” you informed. “Dragging her out if we need to.”
“Cheers to that,” Max pushed his glass into the circle once more before taking a playful swig.
You hadn’t seen Marina much this year, a few times on campus or in the Starbucks on Broadway. You’d catch up with her quickly, tell her about your amazing experiences at NBC or catch her up on your latest projects and scripts.
She was excited to hear about what the rest of your friends had been up to this year, interrupted eventually when Jason made his way over.
You hadn’t spotted him, caught off guard by the scent of his cologne: familiar and exciting all at once.
A chorus of greetings when his hand lingered for a moment too long on your lower back, you swiped him off and caught his eye for a second when he smirked.
He smiled at your friend. “Naomi--how are you holding up? Feelin’ alright?”
She looked at him quickly, you wondered how many times she’d be asked before she’d explode.
“Now that I’m starting to feel the alcohol I’m a little better,” she confessed, a smile when she looked at you.
It felt strange, now, to know they were in on the secret: the knowing look in Naomi’s eyes and smile, the way Sophie greeted him when he joined the group like an old pal.
The boundary between your group and his felt blurry after all these years. Like it melted somewhere along the lines and now there were times like these when there almost wasn’t separation at all.
And here, in France and on this trip with only nine days standing between you and a Master’s degree, the universe seemed to be tempting you.
So close and yet so far.
Will was only a few seconds behind, he laughed with Max about your return trip, hugged you when the room thinned out as people started heading towards the theater. You tucked your phone in your clutch, walked with them all along the glowing sidewalks, made your way inside the event space and took in the ambience: fancy perfumes and fancier people.
Another round of drinks before the lights dimmed. Somehow you ended up sitting beside him and Naomi squeezed Sophie’s hand the whole time.
Her film was met with a thunderous applause and a standing ovation by your row only--which probably embarrassed her a bit but you were too proud to care. You had another celebratory drink with her and mingled with the other audience members in your area.
The lights flashed again when you snuck by the drink line, heading for your seat when he caught your wrist by the bar.
“Hey, hey—hi, do you want a drink?”
You smiled up at him, “margarita—“
“On the rocks?”
You nodded, impressed he knew your order but also flattered he’d been paying attention. When he arrived a few minutes later with his hands full (and an old fashioned for himself), Max knocked his knee into yours.
“How thoughtful of him,” he let his brows dip in the cover of dimming lights.
You sipped your drink, fluttered your eyelashes at Max and watched on.
A few hours like that, and then you found a bar a few blocks over that had a corner booth in the back. A grumpy hostess handed over drink menus and Will cracked a joke about being terrible Americans. Naomi seemed to be a little less tightly wound, she slid in beside Marina and exhaled: thank fucking god that’s over.
Sophie chatted with other students--first and second years--when she sipped a glass of wine, Max was too busy asking Will about the best and worst production companies in Hollywood.
Which left you on the other side of Max, and on the other side of Max was Jason, who was boxed in by Marina and Naomi when he looked at you.
“Hey,” he nodded, a slight smirk when your eyes met. “I like the dress,” he quipped.
Poker face, you felt a slight twitch in your brow but didn’t let on. “Thanks.”
In front of everyone, casually. He knew what he was doing.
“Might look better on the floor,” Jason said quietly, a shrug of his shoulder and a sip of his drink as if to remind you he didn’t have any skin in the game.
Max peered over at him quickly, still engulfed in conversation with Will when Jason coughed a little and then cleared his throat. A quick mutter to Max--sorry--before he smirked in your direction again.
A close call, one that you washed down with another drink and more laughter. But you were surprised by the cool air outside the bar when your group spilled onto the street.
“It’s colder than I thought out here,” you commented, mostly to Sophie.
“It’s May in the South of France,” she rolled her eyes. “Means you didn’t drink enough,” she chided, heels clicking on the pavement when she turned around to make a silly face.
The city was bustling with groups like yours, patrons and Prada bags as you meandered down the skinny sidewalks and back towards the hotel.
“Do you want this?” Jason’s fingers tugged the lapel of his suit jacket--black and warm.
“No no,” you shook your head quickly, dismissing his kindness. “I’m fine, it’s a short walk.”
The breeze off the ocean and the long-gone sun had let a chill settle over the city streets. You listened to Will and Marina bicker about Scorcese films, shivered a little when another gust came through.
Jason took off his jacket in one movement, handed it over to you without a word. Will’s eyes followed the motion and didn’t seem to think much of it. You draped his coat over your shoulders but kept listening. They joked and teased and for a moment you wondered what would happen if you reached for his hand. It was almost that easy.
You stayed behind in the hotel lobby, lingered by the bar when Sophie requested a night cap. Jesse and Will did too, Jason met your eyes when he admitted: Tired, jet-lagged, heading up now.
Three minutes after the elevator doors closed behind him and after Sophie was sipping a sangria, you carried out your end of the bit.
“Wow--well, I’m pretty tired too.”
Max and Jesse didn’t hear you, Sophie smirked at the yawn you threw in for good measure, an arm around your neck when she whispered in your ear: go get laid.
So you read his text when the overhead arrow lit up, stepped inside and felt your heart thump like it had been doing for a year.
Jason Sudeikis (12:02am): 849
It wasn’t hard to find, the same floor as last year and he opened the door and smiled.
“Wow,” you stepped inside, looked around the room at the open balcony, the king-sized bed and formal sitting area to the left. “Good to know NYU shells out for the professors.”
“Oh--well, I upgraded, actually,” he shrugged, hands in his pockets as he also took in the sight of it. “I didn’t know if you’d be…staying…with me, at all.”
You smirked at him over your shoulder, “is that an invitation?”
“I mean I’d hope that sleeping in bed with me is more appealing than sleeping in bed with Max.”
“It is,” you laughed. “For sure. And Sophie snores.”
“Oh right,” he nodded, a smile when he remembered that piece of information from last year.
Another few steps towards the balcony and out into the cool night air. The city was aglow with restaurant signs and street lamps, music floated up to his room and the yachts in the bay bounced over tiny waves.
You watched him over your shoulder, he kept his eyes on yours as he made his way over, slow and intentional when he stepped outside to join you.
“I hope your friends aren’t waiting up for you,” his lips curled.
“They’re not,” you rolled your eyes.
He laughed, brought his arm around your waist when he pressed his mouth to yours. Out in the open, you turned towards him instinctively and tilted your chin up to kiss him. Deep enough but comfortable, you smiled when he pulled away.
“What?”
You let out an apologetic laugh. “I was just thinking that they’re probably smoking weed downstairs and will soon be opening whatever bottles they find in the minifridge.”
His eyes widened a little at your confession. He nodded and smiled down at you. “That’s what was going through your head as I kissed you?”
“Guilty as charged.”
“Hm,” he nodded. “That’s problematic.”
“Why’s that?”
He took your wrist and brought you back into the room, explaining over his shoulder with a playful smile: “I brought you back here because I’ve grown particularly fond of kissing you, and having sex with you--”
You let your eyebrows furrow, egging him on with a challenging smirk. “You have?”
“And I also enjoy when you’re so turned on by me that you can’t focus on anything else.”
“Feels a little narcissistic of you,” you commented.
Inside now, he turned to face you and smiled when you kept his gaze.
“No, actually, it’s quite selfless of me.”
You sat on the edge of his mattress, wondering how long you could do this before you tugged him down and top of you by the shirt collar.
“Selfless?”
“Selfless,” he nodded, a step forward.
Your hand reached out for his belt buckle, eager to progress towards skin and friction and heat. But he swatted you away and smirked.
He brought his hand to your jaw and leaned down to kiss you, his suit jacket still on the chair where you’d left it. Maybe it had been the sight of you in his clothes, the way you wanted to slip your fingers between his on the sidewalk and the way your friends acted like all of this was normal.
He liked the way you kissed him back, and eventually he nudged you onto your back and pulled your thighs down towards his face. You giggled when he tugged your panties to your ankles, felt your tummy tighten when he pressed kisses to the exposed skin.
His tongue lapped at your center after he couldn’t resist you, a choreographed number of flicks and fingers when you started to make more noise. Your fingers grabbed onto his hair, desperate to feel his tongue inside of you at the edge of the bed.
You pulled him up and worked at the buttons of his shirt, one by one until he tossed it to the floor and then stepped out of his pants. It was easier now, you noticed, to giggle and joke and tell him what you wanted and when.
He unzipped your dress and let his eyes sweep over your figure, he grew beneath the fabric of his boxers and even more when your mouth wrapped around him. He watched with hungry eyes but decided that wasn’t enough, he wanted all of you.
So you tugged him down like you knew you always would, let out a gasp when he pushed himself inside of you.
“Fuck, Y/N,” he sighed, a rhythm in his hips when you arched into him.
“I would love,” you breathed, “to be fucked…hard.”
He didn’t need to be told twice.
May 12th, 2019
His arm was draped over your waist when you woke up, sun filtered in through the curtain and you reached for your phone to see the time. 8:54am. Texts from the night before:
Max Prescott (1:35am): This bed is nice without you do not come back
Sophie Mendez (1:54am): Say hi to the PROFESSOR YOU’RE BANGING
Naomi Halter (1:55am): we love you have fun ignore the two assholes you stranded me with
Keep readingYou giggled quietly to yourself, felt the sheets rustle beside you when he opened his eyes.
“Morning,” he stretched, smiled a little when you clicked your phone shut and turned to face him, wondering if this would ever get old.
“Hi,” you greeted him quietly.
“Don’t even think about asking me what we’re doing tonight,” he said with a sleepy laugh when he sat up in bed, a look in your direction that told you not to push it. He stretched and peered over his shoulder, like he knew you had a comeback.
“I’m supposed to just go somewhere blindly with you?” As you said this he tood and walked over to the balcony in his boxers, hair messy from sleep and sex.
He turned to see you over his shoulder again, shrugged playfully: “Maybe I should get a blindfold.”
“No, no,” you backed off, lips twisting into a smile when he turned around. “I’ll be good, I swear.”
“Good,” he smirked, you could see the wheels turning in his head when he delivered his punch line. A few steps towards you when he spoke: “you’ve always been a rule follower. Some might say…a teacher’s pet.”
“I don’t have to go anywhere with you,” you reminded, a challenging look when you tugged the sheet to cover more skin.
He laughed, came and leaned forward to press a kiss to your mouth. It felt good. Warm. Normal to wake up beside him and normal to shower in his hotel room.
So after meeting up with your friends in the lobby for breakfast you walked around town, hoping they wouldn’t dig too hard for details or corner you in a boutique when you looked at bracelets.
The questions didn’t come until the walk back, the cobblestone sidewalks were easier to navigate than their prying: is he taking you somewhere overnight? Has he said anything about graduation?
You tried to play it off and ignore the ever present buzzing of your own questions, pricking and prodding as the clock ticked.
They sat on the bed in your joint hotel room and watched you try on outfits, Sophie pinched your ass before you blew an air kiss on exit, promising to give a full update upon your return. You could hear Max through the door once you walked down the hall and towards the elevator: She’s not coming back tonight.
Probably true.
Three blocks away from the hotel and around a street corner he stood next to an old car. The shade from gothic buildings covered his side of the street, an evening glow hung over the city.
You let out a laugh when he twirled the keys around his finger but almost dropped them onto the pavement. “Ready?” He lifted his sunglasses.
“We need a car? Where are we going?”
“You have to get in first,” he shrugged, walking around to open the passenger side door for you to climb in. You took a few steps forward, eyed him suspiciously when he smiled. “Just trust me. It’s fine.”
“Sounds like what a kidnapper would say, but I’ll let it slide,” you teased.
“Oh relax,” he laughed, climbing in beside you after rounding the hood of the car. You couldn’t tell the make or the model, knew from the leather interior and the radio in the dash that it might have been as old as you were. “It’s supposed to be--” he cut himself off quickly, “cute, or something, I don’t know.”
You felt your eyebrows raise when he started the engine, watched the palm trees pass by when he made his way out of town. Cute? He wanted to do something cute for you?
You bit your lip when he turned the radio on, then told you about the first time he came here--back in his early thirties--as the scenery shifted from bustling port to quaint country.
You sang along and laughed when he butchered the words to an old Britney song and for a moment his hand found yours and stayed atop your lap, but a bump in the road or any sudden movement could shatter the moment around you.
He pulled up to another coastal village within the hour, promised that you’d enjoy the evening when he opened your door to another cobblestone sidewalk by the sea.
“Dinner, nothing crazy,” he relented once he led you down the street and pointed at the fancy awning and script letters: La Baumette. “But since we can never really go out in New York I figured a tiny town in the South of France might be a bit more…private.”
“It’s beautiful,” you looked around, more palm trees and yachts that speckled the blue sea. “Hold on,” you said, reaching out to smack his chest. “Photo op!”
He rolled his eyes dramatically, smiled when he outstretched his hand.
“Oh come on,” you teased, a few steps over towards the railing when you pulled your phone out of your purse. “Enlighten me.”
He came over, slipped an arm around your waist and took the phone right out of your hand. He pressed his face against yours and smiled. He took two, handed it back to you and inspected them over your shoulder.
“A decent photo,” he quipped, a smile down at you when you looked up at him.
The words almost crept up your throat and over your tongue, slipping out into the orange sky when a man in a suit appeared with menus and gestured for both of you to follow.
I could spend every day doing things like this with you.
So you followed him over to a restaurant with oceanside seating, sipped prosecco and hoped that eventually, your heart would stop pounding and you’d be able to muster up the courage to ask what stood on the other side of your degree.
You ordered chicken and he got a risotto dish, it was easy to laugh about Will’s close call getting to the airport for the flight over, easy to talk like everything was about this was normal.
He kissed you on the sidewalk and licked from your gelato cone without permission and you knew. You were running out of time.
But the thought of bringing it all up and asking for some kind of something from him threatened to burst the bubble of an otherwise perfect evening, perhaps the best night you’d had with him, ever.
One without secrecy and uncertainty and one that, you realized, you could have stayed in forever.
But when you got back to the hotel reality set in. Sophie had agreed to be your cover--a fancy dinner for two best gal pals in case you were caught in the lobby and got suspicious glances. But the other faculty were nowhere to be found, too early for a nightcap at the bar.
“Jason!”
You heard his name from over your shoulder, you both spun and his brows arched at the sight: three guys his age in suits and ties and one of them was Will. Your stomach dropped.
“Hey, hi!” Jason said, a look down at you before he took a few steps over. Surprised but he hugged them, you stood awkwardly off to the side and wondered how much Will knew when he offered a tight-lipped smile in your direction. “I had no idea you guys were gonna be here this year--how are you? Holy shit! How’s Chicago?”
Right. Friends from a former life or former job and you were reduced to the 20-something who was waiting for validation and reassurance from the older guy you were sleeping with. Fuck.
They fell into conversation and you felt Will’s eyes on you. No introduction, no gesture in your direction, my student, one of my writers, nothing. You offered a tiny smile and cut in.
“Sorry--uh--Jason, nice to bump into you on the sidewalk,” a wave to Will despite the tension that now hung in the lobby. “Have a good night.”
You turned and felt their eyes on you, anger in your chest when you realized that you’d probably be stuck on the sidelines, like that, forever. Eighteen steps to the elevator and you pressed the button to ascend with a clenched jaw.
“Hey, hey--what was that?” He was behind you now, his hand around your wrist when the doors opened.
“Nothing, I’m good,” you shook out of his hold and stepped inside, forced a smile that he didn’t believe. “Thanks for dinner.”
“Y/N,” he made a face, looked over his shoulder, and then stepped inside. “What’s happening right now?”
The doors slid shut, only the two of you inside when you selected his floor. You had no clue where your friends were—hadn’t even seen Sophie in the lobby—and whatever conversation was about to unfold didn’t seem like one they’d want to walk in on.
“Nothing, Jason--okay? You can go hang out with Will and those guys, I’ll just get my stuff from your room and go.”
“Those guys are grad school friends,” he informed, “and if I did something wrong I’m gonna need you to tell me because I have no idea how we went from having a great day to this.” He motioned around the elevator as it slowed to a stop, as if your emotions had spilled onto the floor and were a mess he needed to clean up.
You stepped out and turned down the hall towards his room. You talked over your shoulder, “that was awkward for me--I was just standing there. Will saw us come in, and I have no idea what he knows, you didn’t even introduce me to them at all.”
He kept up behind you, pulled his keycard from his wallet when you approached the door to his room. He swiped, pushed it open and let you in. “Okay--sorry, yeah, I was thrown off by seeing them--”
Your clothes were on the coffee table, your toothbrush in the bathroom. Maybe it was the impending giant change in your life or the three glasses of prosecco you had with dinner, but either way, the emotion pushed itself into your eyes.
“I know,” you turned around quickly. The door latched shut behind him, he stared at you with lips parted, like he could tell that this might be the breaking point. “But after the day we had today and sleeping with you for nearly a year and playing this fucking game--or whatever it is that we’re doing!--it sucks to not even be introduced at all.”
He was defensive now, forehead wrinkled when he stammered. “Well I’m sorry, we can go back down and I’ll tell them--”
“No!” You groaned, letting your hands slap against your side as you walked further into the room. Time to get your shit and go. “I can’t do the charade anymore, okay? I can’t sit around and pretend I’m not going home with you or that this isn’t--” a long pause when you sighed, “something.”
“What am I supposed to do, Y/N? Walk in and introduce you and say, hey everyone, this is my student I’ve been fucking for almost a year?”
The frustration in his voice was clear, like he couldn’t even fathom why this was so hard for you to understand. Sure--he couldn’t say that. He couldn’t expose you and your bad choices and he certainly couldn’t expose himself, but the same question tugged at your heart and your thoughts when you looked up at him. He sighed again, like he had to state the obvious to keep both of you in reality. “We’re not a couple.”
No shit. But it only made you more angry.
“Even though the other pillows on my bed smell like you? And the fact that you took care of me after my birthday and you keep those chips in your stupid kitchen because you know I like them?”
He was quiet now, the words you finally spit out landed at his feet with a thud. A shrug of his shoulders when he shook his head and looked around the room.
“We can’t, Y/N--it’s not--” he sighed, cutting himself off when he rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I can’t fuck this core faculty thing up.”
You hated the way your eyes were watering, hated the knot in your stomach when his words made it clear: he was choosing his job over you.
But what hurt worse than the look on his face when he tried to let you down gently was the voice in your own head that started screaming: I told you so, I told you so, I told you so.
Of course he had to choose his job over you. You were just stupid enough to be hurt by it.
“Yeah, no--I get it,” you shrugged, a few steps towards the door when you put words in his mouth. “It’s just sex and it’s just fun--”
“That’s not what I said.”
“--and you can’t risk your job and it’s better we just end all of this now.”
He knew you were being flippant, knew that there was anger laced in every word you said as you walked over to the door. “So you’re leaving because I didn’t introduce you to those guys downstairs?”
“No,” you said with a shake of your head, disappointed that he thought this was more petty than it was. “I’m leaving because I don’t want to be your secret anymore.”
You didn’t give him a chance to reply. You tugged the handle and pushed the door open into the hallway, partially because you didn’t feel like crying in front of him but also because the air in his room felt stiff and hot and like it’d wrap around your throat and choke you any second.
You couldn’t do this. You couldn’t admit that you were stupid enough to fall for him and you certainly couldn’t admit it if he was going to look at you like that: like the kid he’d accidentally led on for almost 365 days.
Bitter and alone and even more emotional thanks to the prosecco. You wiped your eyes when the doors to the elevator parted on his floor, another cruel joke from the universe when Marina--who now looked concerned at the sight of you--blinked a few times.
“Hi,” you said shakily, wiped under your eyes to hide the evidence. “Sorry--I’m okay, just tired.”
“That feels…like a load of shit,” she laughed a little, stepped off and crossed her arms. The hallway was quiet, you were quiet, unsure what to say. When you didn’t speak, Marina shrugged. “Wanna go down to the bar and get a drink?”
So you followed her back into the elevator, laughed when she joked about being a tourist with a fanny pack. You hung your purse on a stool at the bar, climbed up and eyed the menu when she slid it over.
She scanned over the cocktail list and didn’t make eye contact, her offer was casual: “Wanna talk?”
“I just had a bad night,” you dismissed, hoping that in the morning those words would feel more true.
You wondered what he was doing upstairs. Sitting on his bed like he had been when you left? Head in his hands? Exasperated and confused just like you?
She looked over at you now, eyebrows arched on her forehead. “Because of a man?”
You nodded. That felt safe to admit.
“Professor Sudeikis?”
You looked up at her quickly, eyes wide and lips parted. “No--” you shook your head.
She smiled, looked back down at the drink list and shrugged. “Your secret’s safe with me--I mean, you know, if it is because of him.”
You were silent, stomach in a knot and desperately trying to figure out what to say. I would never, he would never, it’s not like that.
But the way she smiled when she looked at you again brought a wave of relief. It didn’t feel judgmental, didn’t feel like she was disapproving or ready to call Dean Vasquez and rat you out. Instead, she waited for a moment, curiosity in her eyes before the bartender materialized in front of you. You both ordered: a gin and tonic for her and more prosecco for you, so much for celebrating. A deep breath when you turned to face her.
“How do you know?”
“Well--I don’t,” she said honestly, a little bit of a laugh. “Instinct, gut feeling, I guess.”
“I know it’s wrong,” you nodded quickly, figuring it was best to get out in front of it. “Unethical and immoral and fucked up.”
She looked surprised at the last one. “Then why’s it happening?”
You swallowed, dropped her gaze and inspected the polish in your nails. A single shrug. “Because I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot,” she laughed. “I mean, sleeping with your professor might not be the greatest decision you’ve ever made but…it takes two to tango.”
You nodded, already wondering if you’d said too much. “Please don’t say anything, Marina--I know it’s fucked up and I know it’s wrong but it’s done now. It’s definitely finished.”
You hoped those were good enough reasons. All of that paired with the fact that you knew Marina liked you and you knew she thought you were a great filmmaker.
She thought on this for a second, nodded to herself as she thought it over. “You’re also graduating in, like, a week. After that you can sleep with whoever you want.”
“I don’t think he even wants to speak to me right now, so--”
“He’s an idiot,” she said suddenly, a roll of her eyes when she put her elbows on the bar.
“What do you mean?”
A pause before she answered, like she didn’t know how to say it. “I figured that there might be something between the two of you,” she lowered her voice. “I mean, you guys are ridiculously flirty and even I’ve seen it.”
You shrunk at this. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You knew it was a bad idea from the start.
“But I didn’t know it was actually happening. If he’s already slept with you and is ending it now two weeks before you graduate because of a fight or disagreement or something, he’s stupid.”
You laughed a little, thankful for her solidarity despite the messy situation.
“I think we let it go on too long,” you said honestly. “Once or twice might have been fun, but, I don’t know. Now it’s messy and the lines are blurred and--” you cut yourself off. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be venting to you.”
The corner of her mouth pulled up, the bartender appeared and placed your drinks on napkins. “Now it’s messy and the lines are blurred?”
Okay, so you actually could talk to her about it.
“I mean, maybe not now,” you laughed. “It’s been messy.”
“Well,” she lifted her drink and let it bump against yours. “If you’d like to share, what made tonight end in tears?”
You watched as she took a sip, thought about how to string the words together to make yourself sound less pathetic.
“I--uh--kind of casually implied that it might be nice…if it were more than just…casual.”
She nodded along.
“But that was not received well,” you admitted.
“Ah,” Marina nodded.
“And I get it,” you said now, apparently the flood gates had opened and you were ready to talk it through. “He’s got the whole core faculty thing next year and obviously it’s not a good look.”
“Not exactly,” she agreed. A beat when you let out a sigh and took another sip. She was hesitant, unsure if she should even ask: “Do you have, like, real feelings for him?”
You laughed a little, watched the bubbles rise in your glass when you put it back atop a square napkin. Marina nodded, knew without words that your reaction was a yes. Luckily she knew not to pour salt in a wound.
“Well, you didn’t ask, but…from one woman to another, you’re too smart and talented and you have too much ahead of you to let some asshole guy make you feel like you’re not good enough.”
You giggled a little, let your eyes glance in her direction. “I thought you and Jason were friends?”
“Oh we are,” she nodded emphatically. “But that doesn’t mean he’s incapable of being an asshole.”
Another sip, she clinked her glass against yours and eventually Sophie showed up to take over. Naomi and Max, too, and when you climbed into bed that night beside Max and heard Sophie’s snoring, you felt a tiny bit better.
At least you could always count on them.
May 16th, 2019
To: Y/N L/N
From: Jason Sudeikis
Subject: Final grade
May 16th, 2019 - 1:56pm
Hi Y/N,
Thanks for submitting your final paper early, it’s great. Final grade for Theory and Practice Seminar is an A.
JS
--
Prof. Jason Sudeikis, PhD
Cinema Studies, NYU Tisch
Office hours M/W 10am-12pm or by appointment
To: Jason Sudeikis
From: Y/N L/N
Subject: RE: Final grade
May 16th, 2019 - 6:28pm
Hi
Sounds good, thanks
Best,
Y/N L/N
MFA Candidate
Cinema Studies, NYU Tisch
(212-555-8495)
**
You’d never been a fan of long flights. Luckily, the one home from France seven days prior was made more manageable thanks to the window seat that Max offered up and the half Xanax of Sophie’s that you took with a swig of apple juice at the airport.
Jason and the rest of the NYU crew were on the same flight, different rows, far away, and fortunately there were no bathroom run-ins.
New York had bloomed in the days you were gone, your apartment felt tinier upon return and you immediately scoured the internet for job postings over a glass of red blend.
Not that you planned on applying. You know, you were just covering your bases.
A week off from work thanks to your impending graduation ceremony, a giant vase of purple flowers arrived from all of them. Dan, Jennie, Javier, and Jason. You wondered what he said when one of them suggested it. It was probably Jennie.
Your friends were supportive. They requested your presence at every pre-graduation event: cap decorating at O’Halloran’s and some type of booze cruise on the Hudson. The good thing is that they didn’t give you shit when you flaked at the last second both times.
In fact, you managed to make it through the whole week without a lecture from any of them about rebounding. Until you were on the subway heading for Yankee Stadium.
Your purple cap and gown was itchy, you stood next to Sophie by one of the doors and watched as Max scrolled on Tinder.
“Have you swiped right on anyone, ever?” You smirked at him a little, he looked up at you quickly and was already unimpressed.
“I’m picky--which is a good thing.”
“True,” you nodded. “Wouldn’t want you to accidentally end up with a loser.”
He looked back down at his screen and kept swiping. “Have you even been on any of the apps in the last year?”
Sophie let out a sharp laugh. “I bet her last chat is from when she matched with Sudeikis.”
“So what if it is?” You asked her.
Max looked up at you with puppy-eyes. “Maybe you need a hot date to take your mind off of Professor Daddy?”
“I would rather wine and weed,” you said honestly.
“He’s onto something,” Sophie pointed at Max. “Sometimes a rebound fuck is fun.”
“No thanks.”
“You’re being miserable on purpose,” Max made a face.
“Okay,” Naomi held up a hand. “Today is a happy day, remember? We’re all happy.”
She was looking at you. So you offered a giant grin and made your eyes bug out of your head, followed them to the student meeting area and checked in with your NYU IDs. You avoided the area where the professors were, had no clue if he was over there in his own dumb cap and dumb gown as part of the tradition of the day, but you figured that if one of your friends saw him, you’d find out within a quick 60-seconds.
The seats in the stadium were cramped and sticky, and the May sun was unforgiving. Your family was somewhere in the giant crowd and the whole thing felt anti-climatic. A ninety-minute ceremony and suddenly, just like that, you had a degree and a damaged ego.
It was a happy day. No matter how the last year of your master’s program went, you were proud of the accomplishment and proud of your friends. At least that’s what you planned on telling your parents when you met up with them for lunch in Chelsea.
They wanted to freshen up first, according to a text from your mom. So when they went back to their hotel you took the long way home, got off a few stops early and walked through Union Square to trade in your regalia for celebration-appropriate street clothes.
Another three days before you’d have to face him, plenty of time to think up some kind of out and rehearse it endlessly in front of your mirror: no hard feelings, let’s pretend it never happened, strictly professional.
Your diploma would arrive by mail in a matter of weeks, but now the last three years felt too big to print on paper. Countless scripts and short films, late nights in the library had all culminated into student loans and incomprehensible confusion.
At least you had a job you liked. Too bad you’d already slept with the boss.
So you were sad overall. Angry, sure, about the way he let you walk out of his room that night and the way he hadn’t texted you in a week. He avoided you in the lobby the morning you left and he hadn’t called.
But more than anything you were scared to think about your life without him. Or, well, without him in it the way he had been. Who would you complain to about Jennie? Who was going to talk you off the ledge about script submissions and red ink? Somehow he’d left a decidedly Jason-shaped hole in your life that felt obvious and sharp and sore.
Showing up at 30 Rock on Monday would be weird. Maybe not as weird as that time you showed up after he fingered you in his office, but still.
And in your absent minded strolling you turned left onto your block, stared down at the picture of the two of you in France before you decided you’d been tortured enough today. You clicked it shut, dropped it into the tote bag on your shoulder, where you’d already shoved your cap and tassel once you’d gotten on the train. Keys, somewhere inside.
“Hi.”
Your head snapped up at the sound of his voice. He leaned against the iron railing, sat on the steps of your building like he’d been waiting for you all day.
You stopped, stood a safe distance away from him. “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to talk.”
“Were you at graduation?”
“No,” he shook his head. “I figured I did a good enough job of ruining your last year--didn’t want to ruin that, too.”
A beat, a breeze through the leaves overhead and a distant honk from a taxi. You stared at him. “Well, what do you want to talk about?”
He laughed a little, apparently less nervous now that you hadn’t had an explosive outburst or tried to punch him. “About us.”
You narrowed your eyes, couldn’t help it. “I thought there was no ‘us.’”
He ignored your comment, stood and looked you up and down with a smirk on his face.
“I like your outfit.”
Silence.
“Can I come inside?”
You exhaled, but then paused. “How long have you been sitting here?”
Another tiny laugh, like he was embarrassed to admit it. “Thought I’d catch you before you left, but--”
“I went to Sophie’s this morning.”
He looked at his watch. “I showed up at like, 8:30?”
Your eyebrows rose, it was already almost noon and Sophie had mimosas waiting for you at 7:30. The ceremony started at 9am and he’d been here all this time?
“Oh.”
“Yeah--I could use some water.”
You rolled your eyes at his request, he tugged on the collar of his shirt and pretended to pant.
“Cool it,” you warned. “I just sat in the direct sun for two and a half hours.”
He watched as you stepped around him and keyed into the lobby, “touché.”
He followed you up the stairs in silence and stood awkwardly in your kitchen when you got him a glass of water. You handed it to him and watched him drink it without pausing.
“I’m meeting my parents for lunch in…less than an hour.”
“I can be quick,” he nodded, another laugh when he wiped his mouth and put the glass on your kitchen counter.
You waited, unblinking, as he took a breath. Why was he here? What did he want?
“I completely understand and respect that you’re uninterested in being a secret--my secret, because you shouldn’t have to be one in the first place. Anyone’s. Which--you know--me being a professor and you being a student kind of fucked that up from the start.”
You nodded. Sure. Fine. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. You both agreed to keep your mouths shut.
“But--”
“But?”
“But at the start it wasn’t…this.”
“You lost me,” You said, not following.
Another breath, more a huff, really, that you tried not to laugh at. He nodded to himself and you wondered how much rehearsing he’d done on your front step.
“You were right…in Cannes, that this is something. And I think I’ve known that, but I’ve been so hung up on the fact that it shouldn’t be something. But that doesn’t mean it’s not.” He made a face at his own vagueness, smirked a little when you met his eyes again.
“Am I making any sense?” He asked.
You shrugged, still unsure where he was going and still unsure if you’d give in that easily.
He tried again. “Just because having feelings for you is unethical doesn’t mean I don’t have them.”
Now you nodded again, repeated his words in your kitchen. “So, you have feelings for me?”
“Are you going to repeat any of this to Dean Vasquez?” He asked.
“No,” you rolled your eyes.
“Then yes,” he nodded confidently. “I like you, and not just because I like having sex with you.”
You smiled, figured you’d play it cool for old time’s sake. “Good to know.”
His jaw dropped a bit in jest, he watched you turn around and unclasp your necklace. “Good to know?! I wait outside on your front step all day and that’s all you have to say?”
“I have to go meet up with my parents! And it’s only been a few hours,” you warned, laughing when he rolled his eyes at that. You took off an earring but held his gaze. “Maybe we can finish this conversation on the other side of my lunch reservation?”
“Should I come? Show them what else you’ve been doing this year aside from getting a Masters degree?”
“No,” you laughed at his joke, a few steps over towards your dresser. “Definitely not.”
He came and unzipped your dress without being asked, sat on the edge of your bed when you stepped out of it and into a pair of jeans.
“Well,” he pushed his lips out in thought. “I cleared my calendar for this, so I’m ready to finish this conversation whenever you are.”
You peered at him over your shoulder, ran a brush through your hair and smiled a little. There’d always been something there, the reason you got into this mess in the first place was due to the same thread of tension between the two of you that existed today, right here, in your tiny apartment.
“You can stay here--if you want? While I’m gone? Or you could leave and come back later. Up to you.”
He smiled up at you, maybe that was enough of an answer for him.
“I’ll stay,” he said, a quick redirection when his brow furrowed. “Just to be clear, you’ll come back if I’m here, right? This isn’t your way of getting rid of me now that you’re not my student?”
“You’re still my boss,” you reminded. “Sort of.”
He nodded, “and that’s still hot.”
You turned around, now changed and ready to shoulder a bag before heading across town. A few steps over until you were right in front of him.
He kept your gaze for a second, reached a hand up for yours. “I’m sorry I ruined the only real date we’ve ever really been on.”
You let out a quick laugh, tugged your hand away and patted him on the shoulder when you shook your head. “Oh, we haven’t been on a date.”
His eyes got wide. “Renting an old car and taking you to a fancy restaurant isn’t a date?”
“Up until…” you checked a wristwatch that wasn’t there and smirked, “two hours ago, I was still your student. So no. You can’t take your student on a date. But you can take the 27-year-old woman you’ve been sleeping with for a while on one.”
He fought the smile on his face, nodded slowly but played along. “Got it. Okay.”
“Okay? I’ve gotta go. Do you need a snack?”
“I know where you keep everything,” he reassured.
You leaned down, let him kiss you on the mouth before you smiled. “You’re sure you’re okay to stay?”
He was. He did.
Maybe neither of you knew how to do this. Maybe crossing lines and bending rules wasn’t your forte and when he clinked a glass of wine against yours that night on your fire escape, it felt okay to not know.
After spending a year living in uncertainty it was nice to wake up beside him, knowing that whatever this was, it was the start of your new chapter: whatever comes next.
AN: There's an epilogue, don't say I didn't tell ya!
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April showers
Oh, to breathe the air after rain and to watch the moon and to read Quran quietly – I am literally so happy.
(may edit this later if I will feel like journaling at night)
edit:
Prepared a gift for Mary today because I felt like it. Those days I try to give more presents to my loved ones in case we won't meet the next year. I mean my classmates and some friends who might fly abroad for studies. And like it or no I'm pretty sure after the graduation everything will change and of course my friends will turn into old friends, we might not interact the way we do usually because time is a friendship killer. The less time you spend together, the more time you spend apart - the weaker your friendship becomes.... can't run from it, it will all come naturally. But at least we will have something to remind us of each other, be it a little souvenir or letter.
I still keep old letters from yaz just to read it when I feel nostalgic (should I place them in that new journal that my uncle gifted me?)
I think I will - should keep them all in one place.
Don't really know what happened between us but she's coming to Samarkand, not replying to my texts and not picking up my calls, and fucking hanging out w our mutual friend...kinda want to block her because gurl wtf, can't tell I'm jealous, I'm just confused.
Anyway,
we got new roller skates for my sis and she seemed so excited today. I think she liked it (also, i promised her to paint seashells together after school) . She's living my childhood dreams because I used to feel like the only girl among boys(which I was lol) and it sucked - so I don't want her to want a friend-sister when she already has me.
⊙.☉
Clouds are especially beautiful at night when they are surrounding the moon, I mean, just look at those stars behind them, sparkling as if someone accidentally dropped millions of diamonds across the skyline.
I feel sad for no reason those days. This sadness comes randomly and then goes away but comes back later and makes me wanna cry. That's stupid. What is happening UUGGGGH.
April 14, 2024.
(but um... actually, my week was kinda cool)
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Hi, y'all.
Not sure if anyone'll see this or if anyone cares tbh. That's not me trying to get pity points or anything, I just know I've been gone for a hot second. I didn't mean to disappear for so long. This little hiatus was very much unplanned and unintentional but is not permanent. I'll explain under the cut.
You don't have to read all of this but long story short, the last couple of months have been A Lot.
Content warning up ahead for vague mental health stuff, animal death, medical stuff, broken bones, and religion (if anyone needs a warning for that)
I originally probably stepped away from Tumblr for a minute by accident because I got overwhelmed by the March OC Bingo stuff on top of my school stuff and whatnot. I'm hoping to maybe retroactively fill my Bingo card, but I honestly can't make any promises. The next few weeks are really busy, but I'll get to that in a second.
A big reason I accidentally pulled away is that my family had to make the incredibly difficult decision to put my dog to sleep in April. We'd had my dog for about 11 years and he literally felt like a third brother to me. Saying goodbye to him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was incredibly lucky that I was away at school and surrounded by friends on the actual day it happened, but I won't lie, it was fucking awful. My mental health was absolute shit. I got extra lucky that day because I was on a spiritual retreat that weekend and it helped guide me toward rekindling my relationship with God, which brought me a lot of peace exactly when I needed it. I'm by no means religious, even after the retreat, and I would never ever try to shove my nebulous beliefs down anyone's throat, but I personally have begun to find comfort in God again after years of struggling with faith in the wake of religious scandals and difficulties with organized religion, and I attribute that with keeping me sane after that weekend.
Reason #2: A little under two weeks ago, I had a little accident and ended up fracturing a bone in my foot and spraining my ankle (on the same leg). I was on crutches for a few days, but luckily I'm able to put weight on it in a boot, so I'm more mobile now. Overall, it's been genuinely one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced. Not only are the broken foot and sprained ankle physically painful beyond belief, but it's just mentally and emotionally draining because I'm the type of person who hates having to ask for help and I've had to force myself to suck it up and ask for help so many times. I have no idea how long I have to wear the boot, and there's a chance I might need to do physical therapy after I'm cleared to take the boot off, it's all kind of up in the air.
Reason #3 is a bit more exciting - I'm graduating college! I finished my last semester of classes and exams this week and tomorrow (Saturday) I'll be graduating from my university summa cum laude with a 4.0 GPA in both semesters of my senior year (hopefully, still waiting on a couple grades but it's looking good) and making the Dean's List all 8 semesters of undergrad. So, yeah, the last few weeks have been hectic with senior events, finishing up classes, and getting ready for graduation. It honestly still doesn't feel real. When I was 15, in high school, I swore up and down I wasn't going to go to college because the future seemed so overwhelming and terrifying, and now I'm only a few hours away from graduating. It's just... absolutely insane and I can only hope 15 y/o me would be proud of 22 y/o me.
Even though I haven't been posting or creating any edits on Tumblr, I've continued to write this whole time. I created an OC for Dragon Ball Z because it's my current hyperfixation and I'm currently working on the first draft of her second chapter. I've also been spending a lot of time on Kate Winchester, my Supernatural OC, rewriting the chapters I'd previously written and outlining a roadmap for the portion of the story that takes place before Supernatural begins. And I finally started looking at and working on Maggie Stark's next chapter, which feels really good considering I have a better idea of how to connect the cliffhanger from Chapter 5 (which was unplanned, surprisingly enough) to the plan/roadmap I already had. As an aside, I have a feeling that I'll also end up semi-hyperfixated on HP and Aquila, Liza, and Gracie once I get down to Florida and visit HP World at Universal Studios, so that's another fun thing to keep an eye out for.
I'm hoping to ease back into posting here on Tumblr, but I can't guarantee that I'll have pretty edits and gifsets out the wazoo. The next month or so is hectic but really exciting. I'm home next week, then I'll be in Spain and Rome on a pilgrimage trip until the beginning of June. After I come home, it'll be prep time because I'm supposed to start my Disney College Program at Disney World in mid-June. The broken foot may throw a wrench in those plans, which is a definite worry, but I won't know for sure until I see the doctor next week.
All that to say, I'm sorry for disappearing. You know life, it kinda sucks sometimes. And if you made it this far, thanks for reading and caring. But I'm hoping once I'm finished with school, and then once I get settled into life as a Disney World cast member, I'll be able to be more present on here <3
#this got so long i'm so sorry#just wanted to be transparent#it's been. A Lot to deal with#but here's hoping i can be more present and post more going forward#let's not reblog this if that's okay#unless you have to bc i know people are being shadowbanned#kate talks
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for the ask game!! cinnamon, mauve, blush, fuchsia, lavender, umber, razzmatazz, safron YES <3
IVE MISSED U TOO ☹️💗 & TELL YOU EVERYTHING?? OMG OKOK (it’s mainly me being sad tho bc life is unfair)
I’ve been doing alright, the two times I moved blogs tho,, it had to do w personal problems & some people had the audacity to send in asks that they rlly shouldn’t have bc it made me so damn uncomfortable and it was not helping w my current state so I left :,) THE SECOND TIME I LEFT WAS ALSO BC OF MY PROBLEMS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE and everything was going downhill and I needed a break + people were still making me uncomfortable w their asks (turned them off before I left again) I had accidentally deleted my only moots blog which I had to replace but using the same url (@yonayie pls my layla theme was so cool I miss it) I then deleted my other blog and moved here!! away from the trolls!! and weirdos who can’t comprehend the fact that I’m a minor!!
I spent my Christmas and new years on the verge of tears, it was not fun 😭 my house started flooding on Christmas and it scared the shit out of me!!! & on new years?? i cried bc 2022 was an ass and sm happened it was terrible & we didn’t set off fireworks like we used to so that sucked :,)
school has been a PAIN. I’m a complete loner so that makes everything harder 😭 & my math teacher? literally how did he get hired he cannot teach to save his life he’s so unfair too it’s CRAZY HNGJSJWIJE the only way I get a passing grade is if I self-study and do rlly well on the end of course test in april (which is getting dangerously close im not ready) I dislike my drama teacher 👨🏫 I’m okay with my environmental sci teacher + history teacher theyre chill 🤞the workload is manageable so I think I’ll be able to get all of my credits most def!!
oh oh my birthday is on the 27th!! yes this friday pls im not sure if I’ll be able to do anything for it but if not it’s okay <3 (it’d be the 3rd year not celebrating it which is why I’m so chill abt it that’s so sad 😭)
wow omg that’s sm word vomit pls!! why has my life been so depressing I cannot!! i just hope this year doesn’t treat me as badly!! PRAYS 🙏
okay now ur turn TELL ME EVERYTHINGGG <33 (everything that u can ofc 💓)
STOP WAIT,,, I INSPIRE YOU??? HELP WHY DOES THAT MAKE MY DAY WTF YONA PLEASE ILYSM 💗💗
also omg that's a lot that happened in your absence,,, FIRST OF ALL, i will willingly beat up life and people for you i swear,,, those weirdos better watch out for these hands >:((. secondly, i'm sorry that school, christmas, and new year were a pain in the butt :((. i hope everything gets better for you!! and ofc if you need anyone to talk to, i'll do my best to reply mwah 🫶
AND OMG okay what's been happening in my life,,, i'll put this under a cut so ppl don't need to scroll for too long HAHDJXJSJD
OKAY SO FIRST OF ALL... COLLEGE APPLICATIONS. good god those humbled me HAHDJKDKSD LYK I AM ACTUALLY STUPID 💀 the one i recently took was so fucking hard it was not even funny,,, like they put shit i've never learned, heard of, or saw and it was HORRIBLE. i was literally guessing everything math related please pray for my future </33 HAHDJDJKD.
ALSO!! I GOT INTO KPOP MORE AGAIN HEHEHEHE. i recently went to a concert of one of my favorite groups and holy shit. i cried. like so many times. HAHDJCKDF IT WAS CRAZY GETTING TO SEE THEM IRL AND I JUST AAAAAAAAJSKCIISJD 😭😭 i'm also seeing another group next week,,, MY ULTIMATE FAVORITE ONE. and i shit you not i am not mentally or emotionally prepared to see those men up close and on stage HSJFKDKDD
also yea school was a bitch 💀 tons of freeloaders and horrible teachers but yk what,,, i got my report today and i passed so it's okay HAHSJFKKDD. also i'm graduating soon and that's kinda scary n idk how to cope but yes 😭 i'm just hoping for the best and giving it my all HSHDJKKFF
BUT THAT'S BEEN ABOUT IT FOR ME,,, HOPING 2023 IS GOOD TO US <33
also nah i'm making sure your birthday will be somewhat special <33 gonna hold a tumblr party n give u a lil something I SWEAR 💗
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hello hello hello! tis i, daisy, with kang taehyun, who if you squint, you might recognize. i wanted to post this earlier but i am a slave to capitalism and just now got to hop on to make my intro! anyway, tae’s the first born of the kang family, set to inherit the k palace empire, and also uhhhh an all around mess. i’ll put more about him under the read more but you all know what to do! give this a like if you’d like to me send a message about plotting but i much prefer discord! you can find me @ daisydaisy#5293 but if you’re more comfy, we can stick to tumblr ims. now, onto a read more with the vital information for this fuck of a boy!
born april 17, 1993
28 years old
aries sun / scorpio moon / taurus rising
grew up as the “perfect son” because he’s the first born and is set to inherit the k palace empire once dear old dad retires
was under a LOT of pressure to be perfect so perfect was what he was
good at lit everything while also being kind and smart
flew through high school easy, class president, top of the class
went into the army right after so that he could get it done and over with to focus on how to run an entire business lol
went to hanbit university and double majored in business and literature
got to stay in school unlike his brother lol sorry hwanhee
his parents missed his college graduation in 2017 which sent him on a war path
he became a party animal, doing as many drugs as possible, drinking as often as he could, sleeping with anyone who showed interest
it all came to a halt when he was arrested with a “friend” after burning down an abandoned building while they were partying in it
now his parents are trying to teach him a lesson by cutting him off from non-public image things (like hobby money and fun stuff) and he’s working as a housekeeper in the hotel to “learn responsibility”
he also is a motorcycle mechanic on the side to make some extra cash and keep his own bike in as good of shape as possible
very openly bisexual (with everyone except his dad and the public eye so really how open is he) and in the worst on/off/whatever the fuck it may be relationship with @hase0k
will protect his siblings to no end so don’t hurt them and he won’t mess with you
he was a prty boy in high school but BOY he got worse after being in the army so if you have a party muse or want tae to teach your muse how to party.... he’s ur guy
now some simple plot ideas! these can be simple thread plots or long, drawn out ones so i’d love to talk about them. i much prefer brainstorming but who knows, a plot page might show in the near future
a one night stand who wants tae to be a more than one night stand but taehyun literally couldn’t care less
people who he grew up that are shocked at how much he’s changed
people who got into bar fights with that are still bitter about it lol
someone who had a crush on him in high school/college and didn’t do anything about it then but are ready to now
all of the exes! they can be on bad terms, good terms, great terms, whatever
his number 1 booty call. must be older than 24
someone who wants taehyun to teach them about bikes (pls keep in mind that i actually know nothing about motorcycles other than they are sexy so my knowledge is... limited)
army friends! he did his service from 2011-2013
the person who helped him burn down the building. did it truly happen accidentally? or was is all to frame taehyun?
a rival from high school/college that competed with tae almost all the time
#rhi:intro#okay posting this and then almost promptly shutting the world out cause i have to go to bed#ooc
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college bf!mj
a/n AH !!!! THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE ASTRO COMEBACK ???? APRIL 5TH ??? WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE LOVES !! i genuinely...do not know if I will be able to survive this month bc of them.
(also i tried to get this posted on mj’s birthday but I’m so sorry a lot of shit happened and I had a ~bad mental breakdown~ and it’s just been rough out here but that’s a story for another time if any of you lovely beings wanna know hehe)
→ genre: fluff, smut
→ tw: mentions of cheating (in past relationships)
→ word count: 4.9k
____________________________________
KIM MYUNGJUN !!
A LIVING REINCARNATION OF THE SUN
this is gonna be so cute i just !! love him so much???
has his own apartment, but he honestly stays over all of the boys’ places so much that...he barely sleeps at his apt
major: vocal performance
his voice is literally honey
can probably sing higher than some sopranos in his major
so friendly, everyone who meets him loves him
mj just has a way of attracting people and making people comfortable around him
in short, he is – of course – the moodmaker
can turn anyone’s frown upside down
he’s down?? for like everything
an adventurous spontaneous type
has...probably failed a ged ed class once or twice before...
he’s not stupid okay! he just doesn’t really care about the classes that has no connection to his major
like will he ever apply calculus in singing? probably not
oh but professors can’t hate him, even if he just messes around during class
he’s just so kind and likeable
loves his boys aka astro
will literally do anything to make them smile, even if he’s had a rough day
as long as his boys are happy :’) he’s happy :’)
now how do you meet myungjun??
he’s in an acapella group on campus
he just has to be alright
he was the only freshman that got in during his first year
that shows how good he is :*
a tenor in the highly competitive co-ed group
spoiler alert, he convinces sanha to join, but that’s for college bf!sanha
myungjun is what me and my friends like to call: the solo whore
and it’s not bc he’s greedy for solos, he’s a real team player
his voice just happens to sound the best for most solos your group has??
you’re also in the acapella group
im not giving a voice part bc then that would put you in a binary category
so soprano, alto, tenor, baritone, bass, you pick love
anyway, you and myungjun were chosen to sing a duet for one of your competition pieces
and it was the key emotional piece so you and him had to be on your A games
you and myungjun were friends ofc, you had to be some sort of friends with everyone in your acapella group
but you never really hung out with him outside of rehearsal
well until you got this duet together
and you weren’t worried about it, mj was so fun and nice and an amazing singer, you had no doubt these extra practices with him would be a good time
and you were right! besides singing, you actually got a chance to get to know him and how goofy he really was
you’re pretty sure you always had an ab workout whenever you hung out with him bc of how much he made you laugh
about a month away from competition, you and myungjun were like best buds
literally a chaotic, iconic duo
the chemistry you two had during your duet was spectacular, your voices highlighted and bounced off each other very well
but! your leader had a little critique
“y/n, myungjun, that was great but...can you guys pretend to look...like in love? I get we’re all friends here, but if you can’t convey the emotion of the song in our performance, what’s the point? This goes for everyone, this is a song about how much you love your partner and would give them the world, we need to show that in our eyes and movements, even if you’re just singing ooh and woah for like 10 measures.”
you and myungjun decide to stay after rehearsal and practice the emotions you guess...
your leader had a point, good singing could only go so far
and for the first time, myunjun was a bit...? awkward??
you: alright so how are we gonna pretend to be madly in love with each other
he chuckles and shrugs: honestly I don’t know, look at me like I’m your boyfriend or something??
you: well, I hate my last boyfriend so that probably wouldn’t be a good idea
myungjun offering you a high-five: I hate...well I think I hate...my last partner too so at least we have that
you: how do you think you hate your last partner? are you not dating anyone right now?
he gives you a smile and like you notice it’s forced?? it’s not genuine or bright like the one he usually gives
mj: no I’m not dating anyone...my last relationship sorta traumatized me I guess.
you: ...how did it traumatize you...? you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to myungjun
mj: ah *awkward laughter* well...I was sorta going through it my senior year of high school, stress from graduating and what to do with my life and all that shit, you know? I dated this person since my freshman year and I guess my mental health got the best of me during that time and they couldn’t handle it. We were planning on staying together throughout college and do long distance but I found out in the summer before starting college that they fucked my high school best friend behind my back...when I confronted them about it, the answer they gave me was that I was too down and preoccupied with my worries to notice about my partner’s needs...pretty fucked up right?
your jaw dropped, your eyes were bulging out at his story
you: myungjun what the fuck??? what college do they go to? I’ll pull up right now and beat their asses, I don’t know scream in their face or something! That’s fucked!
he’s laughing a little: thanks y/n, but it’s alright. You know, maybe I was too caught up in my own problems that I ended up neglecting my partner’s needs...I guess that’s why I’m always just trying to be carefree and fun now.
you: that doesn’t justify the fact that what they did to you was wrong. you should have never gone through that myungjun, it’s not your fault that you were going through it mentally, your partner should have been there to support you and understand your struggles, not cheat on you with your best friend. ugh I’m pissed for you.
mj: I appreciate it y/n, but yeah love’s sorta a hard subject for me.
you nod in understanding
mj: well! that’s my traumatic breakup story, it’s only fair you share yours
you laugh: you’re right. Well I was dating this guy right when I entered college, met him at the freshman orientation, completely hit it off. I was so in love with him, we dated for about a year. And then last semester he broke up with me out of nowhere, said he wanted to focus on school and himself and that he needed a break from dating. I found out two days later that he started dating one of his suite mates and that on the night he broke up with me, they fucked. So love? also something hard for me.
mj: aww look at us both unable to find or relate to love because of past relationship traumas.
you hit his shoulder laughing: you’re such a headass
mj: I’m kidding! anyway, I’m sorry you went through that too y/n. it sucks and your ex is a dumbass for breaking up with you. Do you still have feelings for him? w-wait, you don’t have to answer that, was that insensitive?
you: you’re fine haha. Um...well...sometimes when I overthink things at night, I do miss him and I wonder what the hell I did wrong for it to end so abruptly because I was honestly really happy with him, but then I wake up in the morning and I hate him again.
mj: you did nothing wrong y/n...and if you need to call me at 2 am when you’re overthinking and need some badass confidence knocked into you, I will be awake.
you smile and give him a hug: thanks myungjun...you know the same goes for you too?
mj: hm??? what do you mean??
you: you don’t always have to smile around me, especially if you don’t feel like it. Don’t repress your mental health, huh? It’s bad for the soul to bottle it in. I’m not gonna force you to share your darkest fears with me, I’m just saying that if you feel drained and wanna talk about it, I’m here to listen
myungjun pouts a little bit, he’s really touched?? it’s hard for him to share his troubles with others
like as much as he loves astro and is close to them, he doesn’t share his down sides with the boys as often as he should bc he never wants to burden them
myungjun just always thought it was easier to suppress the bad feelings and put on a happy act
but he couldn’t deny the weight lifted off his shoulders after telling you about his breakup
and maybe it was because your energies were on a different level lately, but he found it so?? easy?? to just vent to you after that
until competition, the two of you worked on faking like you were in love (basically imagining that each other was your favorite actor/actress or whatever, something like that)
it was good enough for the group to believe it lol
but what about the judges and audience hmmmmm
anyway, fast forward and it’s competition day!!
myungjun introduces you to his best friends aka the boysss aka astro
they come and support him for his competition ugh we love
you’re like smiling and hyper when you meet them
...has myungjun been rubbing off on you???
you: it’s so nice to meet you all! myungun always talks so highly of you
astro: huh?? you’re lying, myungjun hyung complimenting us???
and then they start messing and friendly bickering with each other and yes they’re teasing mj
you’re laughing bc it’s so cute?? you can see in their eyes and their smiles how much they really care about each other :’)
also astro, probably jin or eunwoo, maybe rocky: we’re sorry if m hyung has driven you to insanity these past few months of rehearsing
you just laugh as myungjun hits them: myungjun’s actually been like my partner in crime lately, so we’re all good :)
*cue the boys exchanging looks with each other*
you perform ah ha ha
alright, you were so used to thinking that myungjun was...idk kim soohyun or something bc mm chef’s kiss his acting...to get into the emotion of the song
but then during the actual performance you saw him as myungjun and like all the hard work and extra practices and late night talks came in full force and you were just...singing to him
and you notice how...handsome?? and charismatic?? myungjun really is...and the little sparkle in his eyes when he’s performing like...wow
and after your set, you’re just like shit, what the fuck was that??
your group doesn’t win though, you place second!
but you and myungjun get awarded best solo/duet of the entire competition
astro: ;)
your acapella group: ;)
the judges: ;)
alright so im a firm believer that if myungjun had feelings for someone, he would straight up tell them like balls to the wall full fucking send
after competition, the routine of school comes back. you occasionally hang out with myungjun outside of rehearsal
by occasionally, I mean once a week hangout with myungjun (and astro bc they started inviting you to their dinners)
and then one night – at midnight – he calls you like out of pocket and his tone is like completely serious
you’re a bit scared?? like: myungjun...is everything okay? did something happen?
mj: y/n...can I ask you something?
you: yeah, of course
mj: do you still think about your ex?
you: o_o um...honestly no, not really...why?
mj: well, if I’m being honest. y/n, I have feelings for you. And i’m not asking you to like me back or give me an answer straight away, but I just wanted to let you know. If you don’t think about your ex anymore, and if you think you’re ready...maybe you can consider thinking of me??
mmmmm kim myungjun you slick flirty dog grrr bark bark
and you know how he can just talk, and talk fast, so you’re still in the middle of processing this and he just goes on like
“sleep on it, y/n. I’ll see you soon for rehearsal, okay? good night”
like you don’t even have a chance to respond to him bc he just hangs up the phone
you think about it, of course you think about it, you’ve been thinking about it ever since competition
having feelings for myungjun has always been in the back of your mind since then
like did you notice that when you hung out with him, your heart would flutter if he said something sweet?? or if you two were a bit too close to each other?? 100%
but you didn’t know if either of you were ready for another relationship so it’s just been put on the back burner
at the next acapella practice, you find that your cheeks just flush whenever myungjun looks your way
the rehearsal went a bit??? weird?? like even your group noticed that there was a bit of a tension between you and myungjun
but of course, he goes up and talks to you after rehearsal ended and he’s like: hey...I’m sorry if my confession made you feel weird, I didn’t mean for that at all. If you want, we can just forget about what I said and stay friends!
you just facepalm like: myungjun you idiot, I’m acting weird because I like you too. God, you know maybe the boys are right, maybe you need to shut your mouth for a little bit
and he whines like: hey!
but then he realizes what you said and he gives you the brightest smile: you mean it?? you like me back??
and you’re like shyly smiling now: yeah...I do...but do you want to take the next step?? I mean...do you think you’re ready for another relationship??
he gets like serious and he grabs your hand: not gonna lie, I don’t think I’ll ever be fully ready after my last one...but if there’s someone I wanna try it with, it’s you.
:’) kim !!! myung !!! jun !!!
dating myungjun?? the best thing ever
the cutest boy alive honestly
he has so much cute and goofy in him already with just friends and strangers
but with you, it’s increased tenfold
even you start to act cute and goofy after dating him
petnames?? bub and bubby
myungjun is not serious about a lot of things, but he is very serious about his feelings for you and your relationship
y’all take things at your own pace and he !! values !! consent !! even if it’s just like making out
he just doesn’t wanna mess things up with you :’)
the type of boyfriend to sing you to sleep ah !!! his voice is heaven alright
will be extra about pda in front of the guys to make them grossed out
and yes you get embarrassed, but myungjun’s too cute to scold
you get used to a lot of second-hand embarrassment dating him and being friends with the boys
but it’s just so endearing, you can’t even fight it
will swing your arms together when you’re out just walking
screams he’s so cute
you don’t really fight bc communicating with each other is one of the biggest things in your relationship
like if a disagreement or a situation comes up, you two are mature enough to talk it through and work things out bc you both already been knew what it’s like to be in a relationship that didn’t have full transparency
you do jokingly bicker about small things though (like think about how astro fights)
but he always ends fights by scooping you up in a hug and showering your face with kisses
loves kissing your nose
just imagine: you and myungjun cuddling and he just kisses your nose and you scrunch up your face and he just laughs and kisses you all over and you two end up giggling
will do anything to see a smile on your face, it’s the greatest sight to him
alright we been talking too much about how cute myungjun is
he’s also a hot motherfucker alright
the most attractive when he’s singing in your opinion
you know how charismatic he is, you’ve seen it first hand during rehearsal and performances
he’s very good at hiding his horniness, especially in public
but phew when you two are in private and myungjun’s in the mood
you can tell bc his eyes just get hazy and he immediately just starts kissing your neck
a very passionate lover, will prioritize your pleasure over his
sex with myungjun can go from being sweet and sensual, to fun and playful, to hot and exciting
by that...I mean that he is down to try every kink and position you can think of
as long as both of you are okay with it ofc
he’s one of the kinkiest members in astro im convinced
blindfolds? bondage? ice cubes? wax play?
you want it? you got it
he’s not into feet though, i apologize to my foot fetish lovers
his favorite position is actually missionary
myungjun loves being able to watch you and to see how good he’s making you feel
in missionary is when he feels the most connected to you, it’s just a passionate position
and yes he’s very vocal, so you betcha he encourages you to be vocal as well
will try to mess with you in a sense where say you two are hanging out with the guys, he’ll touch you and challenge you to not make a noise
and then he’ll snicker and wink at you if you even let out a peep
he’s a tease !!! like will edge you until you’re on the brink of cumming at least 3 times
myungjun has pretty good stroke game alright
very fluid with his hips, idk he just knows all the right spots to hit
praise...kink...that’s the tweet, need I say more
he’s into hair pulling !! both ways !!
okay hear me out...myungjun fucking you and pulling your hair until your screaming and then after you both cum, he’s like: you hit a high f earlier bub! I almost wanted to harmonize with you but–
you: myungjun are you serious!
sex with him would always just be a fun time, like he’s hot and grrr it feels so good but there’s always a bit of laughing and joking around in the process
like he will tickle you before he puts his cock in you just to see the switch of you laughing to moaning
alright but shower sex?? he’s into that
and just the acoustics of both of your sounds in the bathroom?? it’s so filthy he loves it – and it’s easy to clean up afterwards
you bet that after any performance with your group, the two of you have sex, even if it’s just a quickie in an empty practice room or whatever
no shame, will kick the boys out or announce “we’re going to fuck bye!” if you or him get too horny in the middle of a hangout
im just gonna throw this out here...you and myungjun...mile high club
(your group competed in an acapella competition and the flight there...it just happened)
all in all, myungjun just wants to make you happy and feel good and smile, even if you two just finished an intense sex session
let’s get into the deep stuff though, you are the only person myungjun is comfortable with to not show a smile all the time
even with the boys, there’s always a small part of him that wants to just push through and be optimistic just so that they won’t worry
but with you, he knows that it’s okay to be sad and to be vulnerable :’)
when myungjun cries bc he’s upset :( fuck you cry too
he loves when you just hug him and stroke his hair when he’s stressed
very showy about your relationship, not bc he’s braggy, but bc he just wants to show the world how happy you make him and that he’s in love <3
the boys are so happy to see their eldest in love :’)
they don’t show it around each other, but they’ve come up to you in private and say sweet things like
“you make myungjun hyung so happy, he always brings joy to everyone but you bring joy to him, thank you”
im !! getting !! sentimental !!
the day you found out myungjun was in love with you was the day you met his parents
‘twas a bit spontaneous
his parents came to see one of your group performances and myungjun’s like holding your hand and leading you somewhere after you get off stage and he’s like “bub! these are my parents!”
you end up getting dinner with his family and yikes you were hella nervous, you were not expecting on meeting his parents right after your performance
not gonna lie, you thought he was leading you to the car for some post-performance sex
but they adored you, his parents could see how much you meant to their son ugh I cry
anyway, the L word
as you’re finishing dinner, myungjun’s all giddy and just like
“I’m so glad you came and watched mom and dad, the timing was perfect too! I wanted to introduce you to y/n for a while now and have you meet the person I love.”
and his parents are just smiling at you and saying how they’re so happy to finally meet you and how you have an amazing voice and to take care of myungjun and you’re !!! just !!! blushing !!!
as soon as you both got in the car after saying goodbye to his parents, he’s just like: hope I didn’t surprise you too much bubby, I didn’t know my parents were coming to watch until like an hour before we went on stage
you just give him a little smile: I was a bit caught off guard, but it’s okay. Your parents are so sweet, I see where you get it from bub.
myungjun: I can tell that they love you already! well of course not as much as I do, but with time I know they’ll come pretty close
and you’re blushing again, it’s the L word: do you mean it myungjun?
myungjun: that my parents love you?? of course–
you: no, bub...that you...love me?
myungjun: yeah...unless you don’t feel the same way–
you: myungjun! no, of course I do! I just wasn’t expecting the first time to hear it was with your parents
you two are laughing, ugh this man
after your giggles subside, he leans over from the driver’s seat and he just cups your cheek and pecks your nose: I love you y/n, thank you for reminding me what love feels like
you: I love you too myungjun
and then you two are just like sharing a sweet kiss in the parking lot of the restaurant before starting the drive back to his place
do you and myungjun make duets together for fun and post it?? yeah probably
you are the luckiest dating myungjun, the living breathing embodiment of serotonin and love
even when you two are older and out of college, he still gives you the same affection and attention and authenticity ugh he’s just amazing
im so sorry this was late but happy belated to our happy virus <3
3-12-21
#i literally disappeared for like a week im so sorry#astro#myungjun#kim myungjun#mj#astro mj#astro scenarios#astro headcanons#astro au#astro smut#astro fluff#mj au#mj smut#mj fluff#myungjun au#myungjun fluff#myungjun smut#myungjun scenarios#college bf!mj#college bf!myungjun
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my contribution to the bapo timeline discourse bc i’m just gonna propose a timeline and will not be taking criticism <3 (under the cut bc this is gonna be a long post probably)
ok disclaimer I am quite stupid, however I’m gonna use my knowledge from my own 12 years in american public high school and what little info I have about american boarding schools/catholic schools that I have from my friends lol. so. idk.
i’m also gonna date songs/major events and i’m gonna be taking some “just trust me bro” liberties bc y’all are right it does NOT make that much sense.
January 6: Epiphany; this is like an actual holiday lol. like its always on the sixth. idk its good that this is the starting point bc its an actual date yknow? For the purposes of this timeline were going with that its early in the week, so lets go with Monday idk
January 6-13: You and I, Role of a Lifetime; so we’re all kinda in agreement that this timeline (at least the beginning) only really makes sense if you and i/role of a lifetime aren’t like. a singular moment and are instead multiple days. so yeah, of this first week, this is like. monday-next sunday ish yknow.
January 14: Auditions, Plain Jane Fatass; ok so having auditions for a spring musical right after kids get back from break actually makes perfect sense to me, like i can see it being like “ok take break to prepare so as soon as you come back we can have auditions so we can jump right into rehersals” yknow? and since the rave is clearly on a friday (”we’ll meet in tanya’s room on friday night”) so i’m going with the monday before.
as for pjf, i know it doesn’t make a ton of sense for them to get a two week late birthday package their first few weeks back from school, but hear me out it makes sense. the implication throughout this entire show is that the twins have decently shitty parents. from bits of dialogue (in this song in particular lol) i’m kinda inferring their the “only concerned with how their kids make them look to others” kind of neglectful. so I don’t think it’s too outside the realm of possibility that they went away for the holidays, didn’t bring the twins, and instead mailed them a birthday package and having it show up two weeks late. realistically the timing of this isnt that important and the explicit “two week” time frame could’ve been an exaggeration on nadia’s part to mock her shit parents (idk its in her character) basically ppl are a little two fixated on this imo but anyway. moving on.
January 18: Wonderland, A Quiet Night At Home, Rolling, Best Kept Secret; a very agreed upon point in the timeline. its the friday following the auditions. moving on.
January 21: Confession; also very agreed upon. the monday following the rave. moving on again
January 23: Portrait of a Girl; the date here is kinda arbitrary, but bc sister chantelle says “ok lets try to put yesterday’s rehearsal behind us” and i for the life of me cannot think of a scene she could be referring to (there’s none in the script either) that implies it wasn’t the same monday as confession (bc even in a boarding school i think holding extracurriculars that aren’t sports over the weekend (especially when they are no where near crunch time lol) is weird and not common) so i just picked a random day during the week
January 25: Birthday Bitch!, One Kiss, Are You There?; from matt’s line in wonderland, ivy’s birthday is a week after the rave. in my timeline that’s january 25th (an aquarius queen).
btw given all grown up’s “17, how will i manage?” ivy is 16 during 17 at her party, which is strange given shes a high school senior and seniors are typically 17 during 18. so either a) she skipped a grade, not an unheard of thing. or b) shes not a senior, shes just a junior who hangs out with a bunch of seniors, which is also pretty common. and looking through the script i can’t find any mention that she is also a senior, other than yknow she graduates with them, but she isn’t mentioned during the class ranking scene? so idk not that it really matters just a fun detail
February 3 (at night): 911 Emergency!; ok controversial. i know i like the joke about how its funny that peter having a weird dream when he was high prompted him to want to come out and really ruined his relationship with jason. BUT. i think the dream (despite it’s weirdness) would have a lot more meaning if it wasn’t the result of being really high, but if it was a dream he had like a week later as a result of a building sense of guilt/anxiety bc he told matt. also it fits better given later timeline things. (this timeline literally only exists if there are weird jumps in time that don’t make a ton of sense) (EDIT: I forgot one line about Jason crashing at ivys but fuck it forget that bitchass line this makes for more drama its staying this way)
February 4: Reputation Stain’d, Ever After; the next day following peter’s dream, idk what else to say, moving on.
February 25-28: Spring; another jump! i’m sorry but the only way for this to make sense logistically is for there to be quite a few time jumps! however, i also think this one works bc i think it gives time for everything from around ivy’s party and peter and jason’s break up to stew emotionally. like obviously a musical only has so much time to tell a story so the audience cannot see every realistic beat, but honestly i think it makes the whole thing a little more dramatic™ if there’s space for everything to settle, and for ivy to come and apologize and such. also, the reason it’s multiple days is bc in the script, ivy is trying to study (presumably for some sort of midterm) while nadia is playing, so that probably takes place a few days before they move out, so before finals. but in the script, jason and peter are packing and peter is leaving, so that part of the song/staging takes place on the 28th. yes, that’s weird, but we are clearly thinking more about the logistics of this school than the writers were so.
March 1: One; assuming st. cecilia’s works kinda like boarding schools here, they probably do staggered move out/move in, just bc that would be a lot to have people coming and going at once so it makes sense that peter left the day before, while jason and ivy are leaving the next day. also, given that peter is trying to call jason while he and ivy are banging, it’s probably been a hot minute since the actual break up, since peter was clearly very hurt by the whole thing, it would make sense (at least to me) that peter would reach out a month ish later, rather than like a few days later (you have to make so many assumptions to make this timeline work granted they aren’t super out there assumptions but still this is annoying)
March 1-25: Spring Break. the coworkers I have who are in boarding school work over their school breaks, which are longer than the public school breaks (which are only a week) so i put their spring break at 3 weeks. it makes sense, and it makes the later part of the timeline make sense.
I know i’m already halfway through this, but to me it makes sense for their to be quite a few time jumps in the story bc its a musical. they cannot show every day. there are a lot of other shows (particularly shows set in high schools) that are set over a whole school year, but if you just look at the events of the story that doesn’t make sense, so you have to imply that obviously they are not showing every little detail. moving on.
March 25: Wedding Bells, In The Hallway, Touch My Soul; peter wakes up from his nightmare in the church, so im assuming he fell asleep in church (like he almost did during epiphany). also it makes sense that class ranks are announced in late march-early april, I know my school announced ours in like, the first week or so of april? so yeah. moving on.
(from this point on i was giving myself a headache trying to make it make sense so its all weird from here!!)
April 4: See Me, Warning; the date doesn’t really matter here, I picked a random day in early april. the script said peter is calling from him and jason’s old dorm room, as he was picking up the last of his things, so he clearly made the roommate switch after school started (makes sense to me).
April 15-20 (approximately): Ivy finds out she’s pregnant. look google tells me on average people find out they are pregnant around 5-7 weeks after conception. i went with around 7 just so this timeline makes a tiny bit more sense given the later stuff, so yeah here we go.
May 4: Pilgrim’s Hands, God Don’t Make No Trash, All Grown Up, Promise, Once Upon A Time, Cross; a rough night for our heroes. so given sister chantelle saying “again? wonderful.” and nadia saying “i can’t believe you missed rehearsal again”, clearly ivy has been missing quite a few rehearsals, so for dramas sake maybe from when she found out she was pregnant? also i know i’ve been saying they wouldn’t have rehearsals on weekends, and given my weird timeline this would be a saturday, but its tech week so i’ll allow it.
May 5: Two Households, Bare, Queen Mab, A Glooming Peace; pretty self explanatory, and it makes sense to have the spring play in early may. rip jason.
May 11: Absolution; the day before graduation peter goes to confront the priest. gives him a small amount of time to start processing, and it makes sense it would be the night before, at least to me.
May 12: No Voice; i fucking hate this. “peter, we graduate next sunday” i hate that stupid fucking line. do you know that this timeline literally would be fine if it weren’t for that stupid fucking line? bc then, the school play would be in early may and graduation could be in late may-early june (when most high schools hold graduation) but no. keeping with continuity, they have to graduate the sunday following the school play. “peter we graduate in a month, are you really never gonna talk to me again?” would have been fine. but no, now we have beef. literally everything else about the end of this timeline being kinda weird would work itself out, except for the fucking graduation. god damn. anyway, may 12th, the graduate on may 12th which is really fucking weird bc of that one fucking line. whatever. i didn’t write the damn thing bc if i did i wouldn’t have written that fucking line. (i’ve been at this for over an hour and a half, so i’m a tad annoyed, can you tell?)
anyway, that’s it. that’s my long as hell proposed bare timeline. if there’s anything glaringly wrong with it i don’t care bc this timeline literally cannot make sense. but honestly, now that i think about the Popular Tween High Schooler Musicals (heathers, bmc, deh) the timelines of those (especially heathers and bmc) don’t make tons of sense either. that’s just the way it is, that’s the way its gonna be. and we have to live with it.
this post is so long it is actually slowing down my laptop as i type it
#bare a pop opera#bapo#me speaks#i stg there is no real way to make this timeline make sense#a whole lotta this is#it makes sense bro trust me bro#also apologies if this is hard to read i am not very good at phrasing things over text#or at all
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IV. CLAIRE WALSH
PAST SELF PARAS: april 2020 / september 2020 / march 2021.
hi, before the read more i just wanted to say THANK YOU. getting to play claire has been absolutely a treat, a challenge, and genuinely, a huge part of my life for the past year and a half or so. it occurred to me when writing this and looking back at other things i’ve written for claire that i didn’t just feel like i was writing this for myself or for claire ; but i was writing it for you guys, too ! that has been one of the most special things about gallagher for me is the writing community that i feel like we built, taking such a huge investment in our characters and everyone else’s writing. i feel like i’m writing with and for some of my best friends. i also feel like i’ve grown so much ( ok, i actually don’t just feel like it, i can look back at those three paras and SEE how my writing has improved. ) i am so blessed to have gotten to write claire with all of you and to share her story, i feel like she has been so fucking beloved & it’s given her so much life. i am so proud of her and it’s really bittersweet that i’m finally saying goodbye to her as well. so, thank you all so, so much, gallagher has been a writing experience like no other for me & i love you all !
trigger warnings : domestic violence & abuse, death
PART ONE: CHILDHOOD.
The trailer that Claire spent the back half of her childhood in never felt like home. Maybe because trailers are made to be temporary, or the fact that if she accepted that this was where she belonged, she’d have to give up hope.
It’s normal Maggie Walsh to be out late, Claire’s usually cleaned up the kitchen and tucked herself into bed by the time her mother comes in the door – but she’s not sleeping. She’s always had trouble with that, brain bouncing around from one thought to the next until eventually she hears the creak of the door.
Her mom’s home.
She hears the usual stumbling, the clatter of dishes falling from where she’d neatly placed them on the drying rack. Maggie’s drunk, Claire’s sure of that. Ten years old and she knows what it means to be so drunk that you can hardly see straight, that the words you say under the influence are a different reflection from the person that you really are. She inhales deeply and crawls out from under the covers to check on her. Ten years old and she knows the steps: Help her take her makeup off, make sure she sleeps on her side, glass of water on the bedside table, trash can on the floor. Maggie is only twenty-six years old herself now, not done with her childhood by the time that Claire was born, not ready to be a mother. Claire’s had to figure it out most of it herself.
“Mom?” Claire knocks on the door lightly, plastic cup full of water already in hand.
“Don’t – don’t come in!” Maggie sputters, and Claire’s confused. She defies her request and opens the bedroom door the rest of the way. When she sees her mom, she drops the cup on the floor, small hands curling into fists.
“What happened? Who did that to you?”
“I told you not to come in here, Claire,” Maggie repeats, but Claire has always been on to disregard commands. She learns at a young age that authority only means older than you or some assigned title, not that they know best.
“Who did that? Why?” She repeats her questions. Despite being mature for her age, it’s hard for Claire to wrap her head around the black eye obscuring Maggie’s face, and the swelling on her cheek.
“It doesn’t matter,” Maggie sighs, dejected as she flops down on the bed. Even in her state, she knows that there’s not much use telling Claire to back off or go away once she’s decided that she’s not going to. Her little girl is a spitfire, strangely enough reminds Maggie a lot of her own mom, like living with a miniature version of her. Maybe that’s why Claire wins most arguments. “Come here.”
Claire walks closer to the bed, kicking the cup aside on her way for no reason other than to kick something. She crawls into bed next to her mom and looks up at her, waiting for more of an explanation or literally anything but silence.
“I don’t know why I keep looking for a happy ending. I leave you home alone, I come home like this...not helping either of us,” Maggie presses a kiss to the top of Claire’s head, runs her fingers through her daughter’s hair. It’s so soft and Claire is so little, she can’t help but look at the spilled cup on the floor with a pang of guilt. “I’m sorry,” she adds, voice choked up and words a little slurred. Tears squeeze out of the corners of her eyes when she closes them, hugging her daughter closer, “I’ve blamed you for my fucked up life for so long...that’s not fair.”
Now, Claire is only ten, but those are the kind of words that you remember forever. Still, she smiles. “It doesn’t have to stay fucked up. It can get better,” a childish spark of optimism in her heart that hasn’t yet been put out. It makes Maggie smile back though, kissing her daughter on the top of her head yet again.
“I like that,” she says, and they fall asleep curled up beside each other. Claire sleeps soundly, thinking that it’s possible. Things really could get better, and for a while, it seems like there really is a sort of shift. Maggie starts cooking, cleaning again, and she doesn’t even stay out so late. That’s when she meets Martin.
He seems better than the rest. Until he isn’t.
But Claire does her job as her mother’s protector, just as she’s been doing all of her life, and it’s that event that jumpstarts the rest of everything that happens next.
PART TWO: GRADUATION.
Claire’s come to the formal conclusion that graduation ceremonies are a waste of time. There’s all this build up, everyone’s so excited, and then you have to sit around and wait for your name to be called so you can spend two seconds walking across a stage while everyone claps. She would have skipped it entirely if her mother hadn’t already come up, and if she knew that people were going to insist. The small talk afterward is even more agonizing than the ceremony itself. It is sort of painful saying goodbye to everyone, and it occurs to Claire that there’s more people that she’s going to miss than she ever expected.
“Callum and his mother are here,” Maggie points out.
“And?” Claire rolls her eyes. Seeing Callum again to begin with had brought up a lot of old feelings, and generally, even though they’d resolved things, she tries to avoid him whenever possible.
“Well, it’s probably weird if we don’t say hello, at least, right? I’m going to say hello,” Maggie interjects, “he’s such a sweet boy.”
Claire’s eyebrows rise on her forehead as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Go ahead then,” she sighs, “I’ll wait right here.”
“Claire,” Maggie draws out her name with a withering stare, but Maggie has never been able to establish that sort of authority with Claire that would prompt any inclination of obedience, so Claire just shrugs her shoulders, unimpressed. She’s not going to budge. “Fine, I’ll be right back.”
Claire’s done her best to put the chapter of their life that includes Martin out of her mind when rekindling things with her mother, and she certainly doesn’t want to stand around making small talk with his other ex-wife, trying not to look at Callum with his matching jawline, trying not to remember everything she hates. It all comes back in a flash. The horrible cracking sound that her mother’s head had made when it connected with the wall, the blood on the marble floor. They say you don’t remember trauma properly, that your memory doesn’t work quite right, but she will never forget the way her fist connected with Martin’s face : like a puzzle piece, like it BELONGED there, and she’d done it over and over again until she heard sirens.
And yet, Claire can’t deny that it’s a part of her life that got her here, where she is today. She thinks life is shitty and random, and that not everything has to happen ‘for a reason.’ Still, she’ll catch Kass’s eye across the room and see her smiling so brightly that it seems impossible not to believe in something. Claire can’t help herself anyway – she smiles back. No one has ever been able to produce Claire’s smile in its truest form the way Kass has, unashamed of being so happy to look at someone. She once thought the idea of looking at a person and seeing your whole future was ridiculous, that you’d have to be stupid to put that much of yourself into someone, but it isn’t like that at all. All of it was unintentional, like by the time she realized it, Kass was already everything. And she feels so safe with that thought that she doesn’t mind at all.
“Am I interrupting something?” A figure steps in front of her, cutting off her line of sight. She’s not really fond of being snuck up on, so she opens her mouth to say something snarky when she’s met with the gaze of Lisanna Harlin, one of last year’s mentors. Her daughter, Elisa, is there, but she’s not graduating, so Claire’s confused by Lisanna’s presence.
“No, Ms. Harlin,” Claire says, though there’s a spark of indignation in her words that practically goes hand in hand whenever an adult commands authority.
“Lisanna is fine,” she says with a light laugh, like she’s amused Claire’s greeted her this way.
“Can I...help you with something?” Claire asks, mostly curious about how long this interaction has gone on. While she’s friendly with Elisa, she was Kass’s roommate last year, they’re not exceedingly close, so she’s not sure what else Lisanna would have to say to her other than maybe a polite hello.
It’s more than a polite hello. Lisanna Harlin works for Lexon Corp in Durham, North Carolina, a private military company that provides armed guards, bodyguards, and guns for hire. They’re the sort of place that would be looking for the best of the best in combat, and they have a bit of a reputation for hiring Gallagher girls. Claire had given up on the job search months ago since the video went out, in fact, she’s had a job lined up for graduation already : at a boxing gym in D.C., where the scene isn’t too bad. It was suited to her, but not exactly the sort of thing that her Gallagher education had prepared her for. Lexon Corp? Everything her rigorous love of January boot camps were tailored to. And they want to interview her.
A month later, Claire’s sitting on the cusp of a completely fresh start. It wasn’t easy to backtrack on the plans that she and Kass had made together, knowing how much was changing for the both of them, it had been nice to have the stable idea of an apartment together on the horizon. Now, she’s a four hour drive away, and she goes home to her one-bedroom studio in Durham after rigorous training throughout the day. But she’s grateful for the chance to work her way back into the field, and she can remember what Lisanna said to her when they gave her the offer.
“We’re aware that with your history that we’re taking a chance on you, Claire,” Lisanna said. “But we think the reasons that made other agencies look past you are exactly what makes you an asset. You care about your jobs, the people that you’re involved in, and you’d have a partner’s back until the bitter end. You listen to your intuition, trust your gut...and above all else, you have follow-through. I’m excited to be able to offer this position. Don’t prove me wrong.”
Claire swears that she won’t.
PART THREE: KIPTYN.
Kiptyn isn’t supposed to be in the left hall closet.
In fact, he’s not supposed to be awake at all. But who can sleep the night before their birthday anyway? Sure, he’ll be thirteen, and that’s probably old enough to have gotten over the magic of it all, but...he’d still been lying awake with excitement, the anticipation keeping his eyes open for hours on end. Well, that and the video game he’d been playing under the covers, but he’d obviously only been playing it because he couldn’t sleep in the first place.
Then he started thinking about the left hall closet and the conversation that they had at dinner the other night. In Kiptyn’s defense, Dahvia – his younger sister – had totally started it and he was an innocent bystander. After all, Kiptyn’s old enough to know that they don’t bring up Claire to mom, because it just puts her in a mood and then you can forget about doing anything else for the rest of the evening. But Dahvia’s ten, practically a baby, and she doesn’t know any better.
“Hey, mom? What sort of accident did Claire die in? Nina asked me at recess and I didn’t know,” Dahvia pipes up, before she’s even properly sat down. Kip visibly cringes. He’s older, wiser, knows this won’t go well. Still, he dares to look at his mom’s face and he notes the faraway look in her eye, like she seems to experience a bunch of things at once. Kip notices how even though her eyes are glassy, she doesn’t cry. Though sometimes, their mom will just cry randomly, like two weeks ago when he asked for help with his Spanish homework and she couldn’t even help him finish the first worksheet.
“It was a car accident,” she says stiffly, “eat your dinner.”
Kiptyn kicks his sister under the table and flashes her a look that says : Great. Look what you did, ruined dinner. Dahvia sticks her tongue out at him.
So, he knows that he’s not supposed to be in the left hall closet because he could ruin many more dinners, but he’s here anyway. He’s been thinking about it ever since they sat in silence for the rest of that half hour, and he’s come to the conclusion – his mother was lying. Because all sorts of things make their mother cry, like a bowl of mac and cheese or Spanish class, or motorcycles, and she won’t let Kiptyn take boxing lessons though his friend Robert is and he thought it sounded really cool, but she doesn’t have any problem with cars or driving, and also, she’s never told them a single thing about Claire except that. They aren’t allowed to know anything about her, especially not anything true, so Kiptyn is pretty sure that’s a lie. There’s just something just weird about it.
So, in the middle of the night before his thirteenth birthday, he looks up a video on how you pick locks and then he figures it out on the door of the left hall closet. He’s there for at least forty-five minutes, practically ready to give it all up when he hears the clicking sound, and then it opens. His first thought is : Woah. This is a load of junk.
And he’s right. There’s boxes upon boxes of paperwork, old clothes. Some things start to click, like when he finds a pair of worn boxing gloves with Claire’s initials embroidered on them. His favorite thing that he finds is the fattest scrapbook he’s ever seen – his mom always makes them, there’s one for every year of his life. Dahvia’s too, they love looking at them. The cover of this one, though, says Italy 2021. It’s all pictures of his mom and Claire, probably in their early twenties. Kiptyn mostly notices his mother’s smile, how he’s only seen her look like that a couple times in his life and yet it looks so EASY here, like she wears it all the time. It’s so strange to him. He sets the scrapbook down and crawls toward the back of the closet. His eyes land on two leather folders with gold embroidery, and he opens up the first one. In big letters at the top : GALLAGHER ACADEMY.
It’s a diploma.
This certifies that Kassandra Sutton has satisfactorily completed the…
“What are you doing?”
Kiptyn yells out like a child, not having heard anyone creeping up on him. He claps his hand over his mouth as if to shush himself. “The door was open! I don’t know how, but I just...noticed it was open and wanted to make sure that...no one was stealing your stuff!” he grins sheepishly, hoping that he can ride on the high of his birthday week to get him out of this one.
“It was just...open?” his mother looks down at him with raised eyebrows before brandishing a twisted paper clip between two fingers. The one that had formerly been stuck in the door. His guilty expression widens, he can’t help it.
“Okay, I might know how it opened,” Kiptyn admits. He hesitates for a moment, before he realizes that he’s ALREADY in trouble, he might as well just come out with it and pray to the birthday gods. He holds up the diploma with her name on it : “What’s Gallagher Academy?”
Kass’s sigh is heavy and deep, accompanied by the amount of exhaustion that comes with raising two curious kids by herself. After Claire died, she moved her family to London to be closer to their aunt and away from everything that reminded her of Claire. She never told her children why. From hiding that world from them, the world that took so many people from her : her father, her ex-girlfriend, and the love of her life. She swore that she would never lose her children to it, too. But Kiptyn looks up at her with wide eyes, desperate to know about his mother and his past, and Kass also knows what it’s like to have part of yourself missing due to family secrets that are being kept from you. He is practically a teenager now. So, she relents.
Kass doesn’t go into all of the details, of course. Just that Gallagher Academy was a school for spies, and that’s where it all started. Kiptyn already knew that his moms met in college, so it’s the spy part that’s most interesting to him. She talks about Claire with a light in her eyes he’s unfamiliar with, how she was one of the best fighters in their year, that she grew up with such a talent in the ring that she probably could’ve gone pro if her life had gone in a different direction. She talks about how they had to part ways after graduation, because Claire got a job in North Carolina and she got a job in Washington, DC, but they made it work, and both got very accustomed to the four hour drive – though it was sometimes closer to three for Claire, because she always drove too fast, even on this big, black motorcycle which Kass swears that she hated. She tells Kiptyn about how they got married, the way she’d almost moved to England for a dream job and that long distance threatened to drive them apart again – until Claire chased her down in the airport with a ring and proposal.
She also talks about how Claire really died : the abridged version. It was an overseas mission where they’d been cornered, and Claire risked her life to save the rest of their team. There were no other casualties, and the information they were able to bring back helped stop the terrorist organization they’d been chasing to end them for good. Kass tells the abridged version for her son, gives Claire a hero’s death. In some ways, it was. She doesn’t mention the ways that Claire was consumed by the case, it was an organization hellbent on killing spies and it likely reminded her of the brotherhood. Kass had been worried about the case the whole time, because it felt like Claire was taking it too personally. In the end, she may have been right : because Claire had let it take her life in order to close it. She also doesn’t mention that such a sacrificial death means that her wife died fighting alone, swinging her fists until her very last breath. But still, she was all alone.
She had no choice but to take her kids as far away from that life as possible.
Kiptyn tries, but he doesn’t really remember Claire. He’d only been three years old when she passed away, and before then, she’d been so consumed by her last case that she was barely present. Still, he thinks she sounds badass.
He falls asleep on his mother’s shoulder that night, looking through the scrapbook of pictures from their trip to Italy in 2021. He’s animated for the first part, pointing out buildings and asking questions, wonders if Claire was sweating in all that leather, but he slowly starts to drift off. He wakes up on the couch the next morning, no trace of the book or any of the other papers he’d hauled out of the closet the night before. He looks at the closet and there’s an extra padlock. Figures.
It comes up in little ways, like a private joke that he has with his mother, like she’ll say something and flash him a secretive smile. He likes that, and he understands that this is a big secret that he has to keep. It doesn’t come up again until his fourteenth birthday the next year, the summer before high school. It’s a strange letter in a manila envelope, sealed with some expensive red wax, his name written in fancy calligraphy. The most attention-grabbing part, however, is not Kiptyn Sutton-Walsh in big cursive letters. It’s the return address :
GALLAGHER ACADEMY.
learn her skills, honor her sword. keep her secrets.
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(jennie kim, twenty-three, cisfemale, she/her) * hey, i’m looking for the office of valencia lee. they’re the intern who’s known around the office as the paris hilton, if that helps? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re outgoing but two-faced, is that true? i also heard that they’re the one who lost her virginity in the broom closet. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.
omg hey y’all ! it’s so good to be back . my name’s tay , your fave powerpuff girl addict ! this is my baby valencia , the most annoying little spoiled brat ever ! a little about me ? i thought you never would’ve asked . well , i am currently studying to become a teacher , i love fashion & makeup , a textbook gemini & pop culture connoisseur. anyways , i have some points about valencia below . i am so excited to rp with y’all omg . i have been counting down the days !
𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒔 !
NAME : valencia lee .
GENDER : cisfemale .
PRONOUNS : she / her / hers .
AGE : twenty-three ( 23 ) .
BIRTHDAY : 18 april .
ZODIAC : aries .
HOMETOWN : las vegas , nevada .
CURRENT RESIDENCE : new york city , new york .
ETHNICITY : korean - american .
SEXUAL ORIENTATION : bisexual .
OCCUPATION : intern . ( social media department )
𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 !
FAMILY : growing up in las vegas to an erotic fiction author ( anna lee ) & a chain casino owner ( jiwon lee ) , valencia was highly neglected for a good portion of her life . up until like eleven years old , valencia was raised by a rotation of nannies . her parents threw whatever she wanted at her to make up for lost time , but attention was what valencia truly wanted . although valencia didn’t mind being spoiled , in the back of her mind she truly wanted time with her parents .
being that her parents were pretty absent , valencia got away with a lot . you couldn’t even really call it rebelling because her parents didn’t really care what she did as long as she didn’t get in trouble with authority . she would do things on purpose to get reprimanded because she just wanted her parents to see her . in addition , i wouldn’t really say she is close with her parents like that , but it’s not really a negative relationship either. she’s almost like an accessory to them & they are a bank account to her .
also , valencia is the middle child , so that has a big influence on her relationship with her parents. middle child syndrome ? she has that !
SCHOOL : valencia wasn’t really that good of a student , honestly . she barely did her work & really only went to school to socialize . she was sent to a private catholic school , but got kicked out her freshman year so she had to go to public school . she didn’t really care though because school was school .
her parents tried to enforce education being important , but knew that valencia really wasn’t going for it . she was just a lazy student & never really pushed herself when it came to her academics . this caused her to skip school to hang out with her friends & by her senior year she was flunking to the max . she knew she couldn’t tell her parents she flopped out of school so she forged her diploma & faked that she was sick af on her graduation day to make it seem like she graduated hs when in reality , she did not .
because her parents didn’t really have much expectations for her , they wanted her to at least get into a bare minimum college , so she forged acceptance letters & would go around vegas when she was supposed to have class . her parents caught wind of it after three years & were legit pissed . they threatened her multiple times that if she didn’t get her act together they were going to cut her off . they never really fell through with it , so she’s still gallivanting around with their black cards .
MASTER’S : getting the job at master’s with no type of work experience was like a fever dream . the only reason she was looking into the company was because her parents were continuously nagging her about being a mooch. she was , but that wasn’t her fault ! at twenty - two , valencia was googling places that had open internships that were considered easy & fell on master’s. it was in nyc , which she loved & was a top company . she wouldn’t even deny that her parents helped her get the job & she was off to nyc. she’s been an intern for a year & doesn’t really see herself moving up . she’s just here to make sure she doesn’t go broke & to have as much fun as possible .
𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 !
OUTGOING : val loves to meet new people. she has always been extroverted , even if she can sometimes rub people the wrong way .
TWO-FACED : this girl is fake as fuck 99 % of the time , y’all . she will smile in your face & turn around & stab you in the back . she doesn’t really consider loyalty a concept that she is competent in because she is usually friends with people that she can gain something from . she will openly admit that she doesn’t care for people & then act like she said nothing of the sort seconds later . she just likes to stir the pot & talk big shit lbr .
BRATTY : because she was spoiled her whole life , she has this notion that things should be handed to her . if she doesn’t get her way it will ruin her whole mood & then she will proceed to try & ruin everyone’s mood with her annoying ass behavior . beware , she will complain a lot !
LAZY : she has never worked a day in her life & it shows ! she will refuse to do things if she feels as though it’s an inconvenience to her . she will sit around on her phone & ignore her duties . valencia will literally do things on her own time just to get a rise out of people . she’s terrible !
UNFILTERED : she really just says what she wants because she went unchecked growing up . she’s just a little mouthy . she’s not gonna insult you ruthlessly , but she is brutally honest & doesn’t think before she speaks .
** also , the reason why her label is the paris hilton is because her personality is loosely based off of paris . like y2k era paris that was terrible to lindsay & brit & was like lindsay invited herself to their little c*ke binge clubbing nights . she’s not fake dumb like paris & doesn’t have her fake voice , but more - so her little bratty ass , unfiltered mean girl vibes that was saying & doing reckless shit for attention & to get under people’s skin . **
𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 !
001 . an ex - relationship . was she using them for the attention ? probably .
002 . a best friend . she’s fake with them too , but y’know . this girl does not know the definition of loyalty .
003 . a boss . they probably cannot stand her ass & makes her do the most knowing she hates working . she’s probably in the social media department , so there’s that for you .
anything really . i am not creative when it comes to plots omg .
𝒇𝒖𝒏 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒔 !
001 . she is left - handed .
002 . collects juicy couture tracksuits .
003 . the epitome of cherry emoji twt when it comes to her style .
004 . has a love for cooking & is actually good at it .
005 . is highly allergic to peanuts .
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“Comparison is the thief of joy” is my life motto right now.
I’ve been losing weight since the end of April and I’m down 10.5 pounds now after 5 months and 3 weeks. This is pretty incredible considering I literally had no idea HOW to lose weight before and every halfhearted attempt was a failure after only a day or two.
I joined subreddits and Facebook groups when I started to get tips and commiserate with people also trying to lose weight and for the most part, these have been great resources.
But every single day I have to contend with posts like “I lost 120 pounds in 1 year” and “I lost 66 pounds in 3 months” and I get so discouraged. I’ve spent 5 months tracking my food and have lost 10.5 pounds and these people lose like thirty pounds in two months. It’s exhausting to think I’m never going to reach my goals when others get to theirs in less than a year.
It’s amazing to me that I’ve even stuck with this for almost 6 months and I now weigh what I did when I graduated high school (I’m estimating, I don’t actually know what I weighed before 2016 because I can’t access those medical records online and doctor visits were the only time I was ever weighed) but it’s so easy to fall into the trap of comparing my success to someone else’s.
Some people that started in July have lost three times what I have and I’ve been working at it twice as long. Now, this is probably due to an astronomical number of factors and variables which I remind myself of regularly but it’s so frustrating to feel like you’re giving your all and making steady progress but it’s not “fast enough.”
And I fucking hate that phrase “fast enough.” Who are we racing? I didn’t get to 205 pounds in less than a year so why am I expecting to lose a bunch of that in a year. But then I see these people who go from their starting weight to their goal weight in a few months and I feel like I’m a failure because my loss is so slow.
Why can’t I be one of those people who cut their calories a little bit and just drop a bunch of weight? Why can’t something be easy for me for once? But I’ve had to work hard for everything else in my life so I guess this is just another thing and I hope I can do it.
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Shit happens when you're a woman. A lot of shit. Bad shit. And a lot of the time, you will run into doctors who do not listen to you. Will not care about you, and will not take you seriously.
This story is about the Great Cancer Scare of 2020.
I was 49, and 3 yrs post menopause. I was pleased about that, as it means no more period ever. I could deal with the occasional hot flashes, and the snapping of necks of anyone who dared bother me. Then in May of 2020, after the pandemic fully hit and the University I work at closed and sent all of us to work from home, I got very sick. Not from Covid, thankfully, but something else. I had started bleeding, and it wasn't menstrual blood. It was bright red and HEAVY. I was filling post-natal pads within 2 hours. I called the Women's Clinic where my OB-GYN lived. They couldn't see me until July. WTF! I called my GP, who got me in on an emergency basis, I mean, 3 yrs post-menopausal women don't just spring a leak, you know? My ovarian function had been almost nil for 3 years. He called my OB-GYN and demanded I get seen right away. They made an appointment for 2 weeks later. Keep reading, because it's quite a ride!
Seriously! 2 weeks later!
In the meantime, my GP discovered my thyroid was tanked out, so I was put on Levothyroxine 25mcg. It helped a lot. I started to feel a little bit more human, at least in the brain area. I finally got in to the OB-GYN, and he did a biopsy and trans-vaginal ultrasound. We got the results 2 weeks later and he called me in to go over them. He said I had hyperplasia with atypia. Cells were dividing rapidly, and he was very concerned. He recommended an endometrial ablation, or a full hysterectomy. At 49 he wasn't concerned with me having a sudden maternal urge (I have no kids), so he was fine with either choice. I decided on the hysterectomy, because why not? Endometrium grows back after an ablation, and why bother at my age? Just yank it all and let me get back to my life.
He said he didn't feel safe doing the procedure, since the cells were most likely cancerous and rapidly dividing, so he sent a referral to one of the cancer centers in OKC. I expected a call within a couple of weeks. I mean, really, if I have the early stages of endometrial cancer, they'd call me in immediately, right? Right?
Crickets. Literal crickets for 4 months! I was very concerned, hell, worried I was going to get full blown cancer and these jackasses weren't going to try and help me at all. I called OB-GYN several times during that 4 month period, and was told the cancer center in OKC wasn't returning their calls. I called them numerous times, and could never get a person on the phone.
I was told it was the pandemic. The pandemic was shutting everything down and causing huge backlogs for non-Covid issues to be seen. I told OB-GYN to refer me to the oncologist from Tulsa, who also worked once a month in Stillwater at the SMC Cancer Center. He didn't want to, he wanted me to see the doctor in OKC (who wasn't returning anyone's calls!) I called SMC Cancer Center and asked how soon I could get in with Dr. Thomas. His office called back within 2 hours asking for my chart and biopsy results. I had the Womens Clinic send my information to Dr. Thomas in Tulsa. Within a week, they called and had me on the schedule to see him in Stillwater on his next visit.
This is where the story gets good. And by good, I mean, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Thanks for sticking with me this far.
Got in to see Dr. Thomas. I researched him and learned we have the same Alma Mater. That day, we were both wearing t-shirts from said same Alma Mater. Instant bonding! I also work in Administration at said same Alma Mater, so we spent some time discussing (gossiping) about my department since he had taken classes with a lot of my faculty during his undergrad. Then he got serious and handed me my biopsy report. He told me he was going to assume I wasn't shown this, since I am:
1. A Master's of Science graduate student in Education Leadership - this making me a researcher who knows how to do research, do research, and understand research.
2. Work full time in a Physical Sciences department at a Big 12 University.
3. Edit manuscripts for my Dept. Chair, thus proving I am scientifically literate. You can't edit scientific manuscripts without having a good, solid knowledge of said science. If he's alternating between "adsorb" and "absorb", I have to understand his research in order to correct his manuscript. This is important because his manuscripts have to be peer reviewed before they can be published in a reputable journal.
"Read it to me, out loud," he said.
I started reading from the paper in my professional scientist voice. It didn't take long before I began to falter as I came to the realization I had been lied to.
"Read it again," he said.
This time, I read it with a lot more heat in my voice.
Diagnosis: no hyperplasia with atypia, no abnormal cells detected
Dr. Thomas waited for me to explode. I didn't. I just stared at him in anger and horror. He offered to do another biopsy to make sure, but he suggested I fire my OB-GYN immediately and find someone who actually gives a shit about me.
I was still randomly bleeding, 6-9 weeks at a time, so we agreed on another trans-vaginal ultrasound and biopsy. The attached photo shows he took 3 samples from my uterus. He wanted to be sure.
A little ditty about endometrial biopsies:
They hurt like a motherfucker.
Take 2-3 ibuprofen before you leave the house to go to your procedure.
Relax. It usually only lasts a couple of minutes. The doctor normally takes 1 or 2 samples. Pinch, snip, clip, done.
Not this guy. He wanted to be surely sure.
He went for a 3rd pinch snip clip. My uterus seized up in the most painful spasm I ever had in my life. I almost came off the table. He was seated on a little rolly stool so he shot back away from me before I could connect his head to my foot. He triumphantly held up his little weapon of Uterine Destruction and declared, "Got it!"
"Yeah, you almost got your ass kicked mister," I growled at him.
"It was worth it to get this beauty of a sample."
So, after a biopsy of your uterus, expect some bleeding and cramping. I had severe cramps for 2 days. I was not amused. We're talking laying in bed with a heating pad and ibuprofen every 4 hours kind of cramping.
Got the results back in a couple of weeks. No cancer. No hyperplasia. No abnormal cell growth. He recommended I find a new OB-GYN fast. I decided fuck it, I'm done. I'm never seeing another OB-GYN ever again.
Dr. Thomas said several times he's convinced my issues are endocrinal. I filed that away in the back of my mind.
(if you ever do test positive for cancer and you are in the Tulsa area, I highly recommend Dr. Eric Thomas! Make sure you have a sense of humor with him.)
My GP started pressuring me back in March of 2021 to find a new OB-GYN. The Women's Clinic has several, but they have a fucked up rule you can't switch doctors there. So if you go there, you are stuck with the same doctor and can't move over to his colleague on another floor. I saw my GP again, and asked if he was still best buds with a gynecologist who had his own clinic. He was always full, and not taking new patients, so GP would have to call his buddy to get me in.
Which he did. Buddy-GYN's office called the very next day to schedule me in. He had been sent my chart and was concerned about the long bleeds (6-9 weeks in duration) and why the fuck were they happening after being 3 yrs post-menopause.
I went in for a consult in April of 2021. First thing out of his mouth, "Has anyone ever talked to you before about PCOS?"
I laughed.
I laughed because every GYN I saw over the last 20 years told me I didn't have PCOS, endometriosis, or any sort of hormonal issues. I was just fat, lazy, and a piggy pig pig. I actually had one OB-GYN tell me to go on The Biggest Loser. Fat shamed while sitting there naked on his table after an invasive exam of my female bits. Thanks a lot, asshole.
I told him about that. He informed me he could tell by LOOKING at me I have the classics signs of PCOS. I use an epilator on my crazy man-hairs, so he asked if I was tweezing or waxing. I about fell out of my chair. Nobody ever believed me that I was having to remove crazy thick hairs off my chin and neck all the time. He asked if I ever had ovarian cysts. Affirmative, I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts the first time one exploded back in 1994. He stood there, holding the bridge of his nose and shook his head.
"Well, going by your chief complaints, your abdominal circumference, history of bursting cysts, and no period for 3 years, I am saying you have PCOS."
He went on to discuss my need for an appointment with an endocrine specialist, he was convinced my thyroid tanking out sent my ovaries back into production, and now my hormones are all over the place, most likely, and I needed specialized care.
He must have talked to GP, because I soon got a call from the endo clinic to come in.
This post is already long and tedious, but I am happy to say I finally have 3 doctors who listen to me. My new Endo doc tripled my levothyroxine and scheduled a follow up blood test for next month. Buddy-GYN talked me into a pap smear and cervical exam in July as well. He also wants a mammogram, which I begrudgingly need to schedule so he doesn't chew my ass in July when I walk in with no results. GP is working on my other issues (weight, bad fluid retention, etc...). We discovered from a blood test last Friday my iron levels are dangerously low. I am now on a Rx iron supplement. I've always struggled with anemia, but it never occurred to me or GP to check my iron levels. If you're a woman, and you feel like absolute dog shit and your doctor can't figure out why, have your iron and electrolytes tested. It'll probably take about 3-4 weeks for me to see any results from the iron supplement, but I can already see a reduction in fluid retention.
In September, I have an appointment with Dr. Le at Integris in OKC. He's a bariatric surgeon. I have gained so much weight from having PCOS and Hypothyroidism that I need to drop a lot of fat fast. I'm pretty healthy - I don't have the normal problems obese people tend to have. I'm not diabetic, don't have sleep apnea, my cholesterol levels are good. I am what they call "healthy fat" which seems like an oxymoron. However, it will improve my chances of getting approved for a sleeve gastrectomy.
I turned 50 last week, and had to endure 3 decades of no one listening to me. I feel I lost so many years of my life and I can never get them back. I hope this post reaches a lot of younger women having issues. Keep looking for a doctor who will listen to you. It sucks we have to hunt for these unicorns, but they do exist. I finally have a good team who actually cares about me.
You have a right to be listened to! You have a right to be heard!
I was asked: Who are my doctors?
Dr. Daniel Brown D.O. Stillwater Physicians Clinic
Dr. Yasuto Taguchi M.D. Taguchi Women's Clinic
Dr. Wynter Kipgen M.D. Stillwater Diabetes & Endocrinology
#women's health#pcosawareness#pcosjourney#pcos#thyroid#hypothyroidism#symptoms#make doctors listen#women#reproductive rights#finding a doctor#listen to women#women's pain#women's suffering#endocrine#be heard#gynecology#reproductive health#gynecologist#oncologist#cancer#obesity#overweight#hormones
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oddly specific memories i have of listening to tma
in honor of the finale, and because i am a sentimental asshole, i bring you this potentially uninteresting and completely pointless list. i'm gonna miss this show a lot
half my original reasoning for listening to the podcast was to motivate me to walk on the treadmill. this did not work. but i did it the first time, when i was going through the trailers and anglerfish, and i remember the room where my dad keeps the treadmill is really dark and the spooky chanting sort of freaked me out
after the treadmill, i ended up listening to the bulk of the first four episodes on the couch, and halfway through i let my oldest cat, winnie, who always lived outside (i know, i was very against actually keeping her outside) in the house. and she jumped up on the couch with me, which she literally never did. (she was very grumpy and not super affectionate.) i had that cat since i was five, and she passed last june, and i really miss her. quarantine kind of gave us the opportunity to hang out with her a lot, because we were home so much. so i'm glad these memories are kind of intersected in my mind. (below: a pic i have from that day.)
my friend sarah relistened along with me the first time around, which was extraordinarily sweet of her, and also led to some interesting interactions. for example: she forgot when it was revealed that sasha was dead, so she accidentally spoiled that for me when i asked when the others would find sasha (and i spent all of season 2 just like. anxiously vibrating over this fact). she also made this post, when i was still in like early first half of season 1, and my immediate thought was "oh no martin is dead." i hadnt even MET martin at this point
back in early quarantine, my mom had this rule that we had to do something new every day (to keep away the depression... ha ha). anyways, all i wanted to do in my free time was sit around and listen to tma (and also watch this show i was into on netflix), so i came up with some lame excuses, one of which was "i'll give myself a pedicure." this led to the memory i ultimately associate with mag 56 (trevor herbert 2) being me sitting out on our roof balcony thing, giving myself a horrendous pedicure
another time, my family wanted to go play tennis, and they brought me along and brought a hammock for me to lay in. there was this excess material from the hammock, and the sun was in my eyes, so i ended up pulling it up and over me to block the sun and creating this ridiculous hammock cocoon thing. one of the episodes i listened to that day? "tucked in."
before i ever started the show, my friend sarah stayed with me while i was pet sitting. i remember when she got there, she'd just listened to 150 and was telling me how freaky it was (she was still trying to get me into the show), and she was like "of course we're staying on a CUL DE SAC." (that was also the weekend she watched us for the first time and was very upset because i slept through the whole thing, which is scary when you're staying somewhere by yourselves.) anyways, i spent the whole show waiting for the scary cul de sac episode
while i was listening to the show for the first time, my step-dad (an artist) started painting an EYE on the door downstairs near my bathroom. a fucking EYE. he didn't finish it til i had finished the show. but still weird!!
i binged like 12 episodes in one day to finish season 4, which is not impressive at all, but it's still my personal record. i just remember staying up late in my dark bedroom (til like.... 11 i'm lame and i go to bed early), listening to like 158 & 159 & 160 and just being knocked on my ass by how good it all was... i was SUPER spoiled by this point, through my own fault, and i knew exactly what was coming, but actually experiencing it was nuts
the second week i listened live was 167, where the public release was delayed by a couple hours by accident. i spent like 20 minutes refreshing spotify, thinking it was broken, before going on tumblr and seeing what the deal was. (and 167 remains one of my favorites of s5 because i remember just going "thank god it was worth the wait.")
this one car ride where sarah and i made some of our friends listen to the first three episodes of the show. it was the middle of the night and we were just like blasting down i40 listening to anglerfish and do not open etc
the night the what the ghost episode publicly dropped was the night after my graduation, and i was sleeping out on the couch in the living room so my grandfather could sleep in a bed. it was super dark, and i am a jumpy person, and i Remember being mildly disgusted with myself because the corny sound effects were actually freaking me out. (i think i mightve actually seen something weird that night, maybe, but that's another story.)
the weekend my parents moved me into college, we couldn't get the cable in the house we were staying in, and we were all sitting around doing nothing, so i jokingly suggested starting tma with them, and they were like ok grace. my step-dad promptly fell asleep and my mom zoned out -- which is probably good, she doesn't like horror and she's super claustrophobic, so it's probably better we never got to do not open
my brief roommate in college talked about how she was into those youtube channels where people just read scary stories, so of course i was like try tma out. so she listened to the first episode on her own, and we were out one night, and she started mag 02 while i went into an ice cream place. she was into it (she kept being like open it, ya pussy) and wanted to keep listening while we went home, and even back in our room. i had only been in town for a couple weeks, and barely knew my way around, but i also didn't want to turn the gps on and be interrupted every five seconds. so i tried to find our way back on my own. it took the entirety of mag 03, and into mag 04, before i did it. so now i will forever associate across the street with all those wrong turns i took in a dark, semi unfamiliar city, trying to get back to our college without a gps
the day of the early drop for 179 was the day i moved back home from college -- a five hour drive by myself. i ended up listening to it on the final stretch of the trip, when i was super tired and it was dark and i knew it'd probably be a crazy episode. just me full blasting down i40, drinking an energy drink (which i never do) through a hole punched in the top, listening to daisy's death
186 early dropped the day after initial u.s. election day (when we still didn't know anything). my mom had set up a "watch party" in the living room with these giant air mattresses, and we all sort of spent the day crowded around the TV watching the numbers. not much of a memory, but i remember sitting on that air mattress and listening to martin's monologue in the midst of that messy week
i had a virtual therapy appointment on the day of 187's early drop, and my dad was home, so i drove to an empty parking lot to do the session in some privacy. i was trying to listen to the episode before the session started, so i ended up listening to the last half sitting in my car, in the pouring rain, just staring at my radio in shock (187 remains one of my favorite s5 episodes)
my friend sarah had just come home for winter break the day 189 dropped, and we decided to listen together, just like driving around in circles drinking coffee and listening and speculating on whether or not that was really martin
i started my relisten right after thanksgiving and was just kind of blowing through fast as i could through the whole of december. i had to go back to college to empty out my dorm, and i went to the beach after, and i ended up listening to mag 11 while just like walking around in circles in the tide pools. the closer it got to christmas, the more christmassy i wanted to keep things, so i would like. listen in the mornings and turn on one of those Netflix fireplaces and get all cozy
my other friend went with me on a mini bagel road trip in december, and he was still trying to get caught up, so we listened to mag 169, 170, and 171 on the drive home. (by this point, i was accustomed enough to s5 and smiting scenes to automatically reach for the volume controls when jude perry and jared hopworth died.)
when i relistened to mag 47, i was sitting with my cat beezus. i paused the episode to write this big long meta, so i was in a different headspace when i pressed play again. jon immediately yelled for sasha and i immediately jumped, and beezus gave me a searing glare and just got up and left
i relistened to piecemeal while i was cooking, which i thought was kind of funny and also disgusting
after christmas, i got into the habit of bringing my cat georgia into my room in the mornings, and she'd crawl under the covers with me while i listened to tma
one story i've always liked to tell from my first listen is how when i first listened to the meat arm grinder episode, my dad asked me to help him cook hamburgers later that day and explained how hamburgers are ground up (to my disgust). i hit meat grinder in my relisten and um. you'll never fucking guess what i made for lunch that day
so i had all these arbitrary rules for myself when i started tma last april, and i've broken like all of them. i started listening to tma while virtually working -- you just pull it up on your computer and it works. (i got the life scared out of me when one of my coworkers started talking over the podcast, wondering who it was that had walked into jon's office and why he wasn't reacting and why i didn't remember it.) i also started listening a lot while driving, which led to several long meta posts i wrote being typed up in a parking lot somewhere
i spent the entirety of 194 anxious-cuddling georgia. (i tried to do this for 198 and then didn't have any anxiety to cuddle her over.) i fully plan on doing this for 200, where i am sure i will need it again
my favorite place to listen to tma probably ended up being the roof room at my mom's, and unless something goes awry, this is where i will listen to the finale. (with georgia, of course.)
this list is super uninteresting, like i said, but here it is. i'm gonna miss this show a lot. i can't wait to return to it, later in life, and make all new listening memories in the process
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April 11, 2021: Tootsie (1982) (Recap)
To be clear, I like Dustin Hoffman.
I can’t exactly claim that I’ve seen him in a lot of his most iconic roles, but I’m planning on fixing that this year for sure! On my to-watch list this year and beyond is Midnight Cowboy, Kramer vs. Kramer, Stranger Than Fiction, and Marathon Man at the very least.
But that’s not to say I haven’t seen him in other iconic roles of his, of course. Fun fact: I actually tried to do this project in 2019, and it...didn’t work. But, one of the films I watched that year was one of Hoffman’s most iconic dramatic films: Rain Man.
Oh, and by the way, that movie is not about an autistic man. Or, rather, it’s not based on a man diagnosed with one of the autism spectrum disorders. Instead, he actually most likely had a genetic disorder called FG syndrome, unrelated to the spectrum disorders. Ironic, since Hoffman’s character was the pop-cultural depiction of autism that people STILL refer to quite often, and quite inaccurately. But, obviously, that’s not Hoffman’s fault, and he was good in the movie, to be fair.
I grew up with him in Hook, as the pirate captain himself (I still do his laugh sometimes, it’s weird, I know). He had an underappreciated starring role in one of my favorite guilty-pleasure films, Outbreak (I fucking love that movie, and I’m not ashamed to admit that). He was in Finding Neverland, but I just forgot about that until I looked up his filmography to write this intro. And, of course...Master Shifu.
So, yeah, I actually DO like Dustin Hoffman, despite the fact that his role in The Graduate wasn’t stellar for me. Just seemed kinda miscast, and a little too awkward to be even slightly sympathetic. Then again, he wasn’t really meant to be, so maybe Hoffman was the perfect choice. Even then, he still acted well in it.
And anyway, I watched that movie for two major reasons. One, it was on my list of films to see, and TWO: it was a lead-up to the ACTUAL Hoffman film I wanted to watch this month: Tootsie. After all, I just watched rom-com Some Like It Hot, and if you’ve looked at me schedule, you know what film is coming next. So, this one fits in my planned schedule. Why? Well...there’s a theme.
Yup. I actually picked these movies for a reason. See, here’s the thing: this is a repeated trope in comedies, and I’ve always wondered whether or not it’s...problematic. But, much to my surprise with Some Like It Hot, they actually used the situation to comment on the female experience. I mean, not necessarily really well, but they tried at the very least. And for a film from 1959, that ain’t bad!
Which isn’t to say that it’s entirely clean, of course, but it was far better than I’d expected. So, if 1959 did that OK, how did 1982 do? Let’s find out, shall we?
SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
Recap
Michael Dorsey (Dustin Hoffman) is an acting coach, as well as being an actor himself. However, he’s not the most successful actor, as he keeps attempting to audition for pieces, only to get refused for nebulous reasons, or refuses them when he disagrees with the director. He might want to take his own advice, for the record.
In the meantime, he works in a restaurant with Jeff Slater (Bill Murray), a playwright and roommate. That night, the night of his birthday, he spends time with an actress friend, Sandy Lester (Teri Garr), and also hits on the majority of women there that night.
As the party concludes, and various people go home, Sandy is abandoned by her date, and Michael offers to take her home. She breaks down crying, and Michael guesses that she’s upset about an upcoming audition. He gives her some coaching advice, and manages to get her to produce the correct emotion for the role. Afraid that she’ll lose it without him, he agrees to accompany her to the audition and enrage her. It’s very funny.
That morning, however, she IMMEDIATELY gets kicked out of the audition, as she wasn’t right for the part. However, when he goes to help her by speaking with an actor on the show, he finds out that the actor is off the show, and is instead getting a part that MICHAEL was supposed to get. Now enraged himself, he goes to speak with his agent, George Fields (Sydney Pollack), and the two have a tense conversation. It’s revealed that because of his difficult nature, he has a terrible reputation in acting circles, and literally nobody will hire him.
Challenge accepted.
Now dressed up as a woman named “Dorothy Michaels”, he goes back to the audition that passed on Sandy. Like her, he’s also immediately rejected by the director, Ron Carlisle (Dabney Coleman), who insists that she’s too “gentile” for the part of a hospital administrator. This causes “Dorothy” to go off, in a righteous monologue that accuses Ron for conflating power with masculinity. Which...yeah, he totally is, and DAMN, it’s a good tell-off!
Producer Rita Marshall (Doris Belack) agrees, and invites “Dorothy” to read for the part. He comes in to read, and in the process meets Julie Nichols (Jessica Lange), to whom he’s IMMEDIATELY attracted. He brushes that off, and the audition commences. From there, he gets the part, which is a regular part on a soap opera called Southwest General.
Now fully invested in the dumbest idea anybody’s ever had, “Dorothy” goes to her agent and tells him the ridiculous news, and asks for $1000 to go shopping for more clothing. Back at their apartment, Michael speaks to Jeff about the whole situation. He notes that he’s doing this to get the money for his play in Syracuse, which requires $8000 to produce.
Sandy is to be cast in this play, which is an issue, as they now need to explain where the money came from, as it’s technically from the part that SHE was refused for, which would hurt her feelings. He lies and says that the money’s from a deceased relative. While in her place, and while she’s in the shower, he decides to try on some of her clothes to get ideas for Dorothy. But when she walks in on him, he lies AGAIN and says that he’s sexually attracted to her. And she reciprocates IMMEDIATELY, which leads to an unintended relationship.
On the set, “Dorothy” finds out that he’ll be kissing John Van Horn (George Gaynes), an older actor who’s clearly a bit past his prime, and makes it a point to kiss every actress on the set when they start on the show. Gross. Michael agrees, and when the scene comes, he improvises and has his character (Emily) hit the doctor instead.
While the director (who’s a DICK, by the way) notes the improvisation, he approves of it, while also discouraging any similar actions in the future, and calling her “toots”. “Dorothy” takes it, rather than talks back. John compliments her on the improvisation, and then kisses “Dorothy” anyway, much to Michael’s shock!
We also find out that Julie, who plays a nurse on the show, is dating director Ron. Later on, though, Michael observes him making out with another actress on stage. Shortly after this, Julie invites “Dorothy” to dinner at her place, which is eagerly accepted. At dinner, we find out that Julie has a young daughter and that her relationship with Ron is...not stellar.
They have a discussion about being a woman in the ‘80s, and the complexities inherent in that concept, which is an interesting theme of this movie! Gotta say, this is a more socially-conscious version of Some Like It Hot, and I really like that! But the conversation is cut short when Michael realizes that he’d promised dinner with Sandy that night, and leaves in a hurry.
Dinner with Sandy is awkward, as Sandy is...Sandy is a lot, to be honest. But, she tells Michael that the woman hired in her stead on the soap opera (who is, of course, Michael himself), is written as a wimp, rather than tough as intended, and that she should change that. Michael agrees, and actively goes against the script to make the character of Emily far tougher. and essentially a feminist.
While this causes some grief to Ron and Rita at first, Dorothy Michaels soon becomes a massively successful and popular actress on the show, and her popularity absolutely explodes. Michael’s wrapped up in the success of Dorothy Michaels, and thinks that she might be able to branch outside of the role of the soap opera. Which is difficult, as his agent points out, because of the simple fact that Michael is...well, Michael.
At a party that his agent invites him to, Michael meets Julie AS MICHAEL. He uses a line on her that she’d mentioned before to Dorothy, only to be met with a drink to the face. Which is fair, as the line was about being honest about wanting to have sex with her, so I get it.
On the set soon afterwards, we see that the show is becoming more progressive, allowing Julie’s nurse character to stand up to John’s chief doctor character. After the scene is done, the director once again calls Dorothy “toots” instead of her real name, and Dorothy absolutely snaps back at him, and rightfully so! In response, Julie goes and invites Dorothy to a weekend in the country, on her father’s farm. Despite some rebuke from Jeff for lying to Sandy AND Julie, Michael as “Dorothy” goes on the trip.
This, by the way, is an excellent time to mention that this film is exuding some real strong, uh, vibes. You know...alphabet mafia vibes. Like, it’s definitely there, heavily leaning towards Julie. Obviously, “Dorothy” is actually the heterosexual Michael, but that’s not helping, just saying. And there’s literally (and absolutely obviously) nothing wrong with that, but it’s so strong at this point that it’s hard to ignore.
On the farm, “Dorothy” meets Les Nichols (Charles Durning), Julie’s lonely and genuinely nice father, if a bit old-fashioned in his views on gender politics. He’s also got the hots for “Dorothy”, which is funny-but-awkward as shit. That night, Julie tells “Dorothy” some very personal things about her dreams as a child, which is a genuinely very sweet scene. And can I just say, that this movie is both funny and quite heartfelt? I love it! Also, again, the vibes...THE VIBES.
Meanwhile, the popularity of “Dorothy” continues to skyrocket, to the frustration of director Ron, but to the delight of producer Rita, who decides to extend her contract with the soap opera by a full year! Oh FUCK! Realizing what the hell he’s gotten himself into, Michael calls his agent, who tells him that it was in his contract, meaning he’s basically fucked.
Jeff also tries to help hi, out of it, to no avail. Just then, though, they get a call from Julie, looking for “Dorothy”. She’s been having her doubts about her relationship with Ron, and she realizes that she’s been settling for Ron and other men like him. And Dorothy’s inspired her to be a better person, and to be honest with others and with herself. Fuckin’ OOF.
Just then, Ron arrives, allowing them some alone time, as Julie is getting ready for their night out. In the process, “Dorothy” reveals that she knows about his indiscretions with other women. Ron proceeds to use the EXACT SAME EXCUSE that Michael used to excuse his lies to Sandy, and it’s well-executed! Good job, writers, that’s pretty awesome.
“Dorothy” promises to watch Julie’s daughter for the night, which proves a bit of an issue, but he works it out. Julie returns later on, having broken up with Ron. Another heart-to-heart ensues, but this one is concluded with a revelation that Julie is lonely, despite the fact that she appreciates Dorothy’s influence and friendship. And then, "Dorothy” tries to kiss Julie. OH
Yeah, Julie’s not exactly chuffed about this as, despite a LOT of “Sappho and her friends” vibes, she doesn’t actually swing that way. “Dorothy” tries to explain, but this is interrupted by a call from Julie’s dad! He asks her out on a date that night, and “Dorothy” accepts. On said date, he FUCKIN’ PROPOSES TO HER! She promises to think about it, and takes the fuck OFF.
And to continue the parade of “Fuck me, I guess” that marching down Michael Street, who should show up at the apartment but John, from the show! Having followed her home the previous night (YIKES BUDDY), he literally serenades her outside of the apartment window, before “Dorothy” lets him in. It’s there that he reveals he’s MADLY in lust with her, and it’s HILARIOUSLY awkward. Thankfully, just as John is forcing himself on her, Jeff walks in on them, interrupting John’s actions, and causing him to leave in shame.
AND FUCKING THEN, after all of that, Sandy arrives at the apartment to find out why Michael’s not returned her phone calls. And Sandy’s a lot, sure, but all of her concerns are completely valid and legitimate. And despite Michael’s impressive ability to lie, he tells her the truth: he’s in love with another woman. Which she absolutely freaks the fuck out about, but whatever, not like Michael doesn’t deserve that.
Having had it with all the drama around Dorothy’s life, he goes to his agent and hilariously recounts to him the whole series of events that’s taken place. Still struggling to find a way to get out of the situation, he goes to work the next day, for an awkward conversation with Julie. She thanks Dorothy for inspiring her to be true to herself, which cuts DEEP, but still says that they shouldn’t spend time together anymore.
Producer Rita arrives with news: the erasure of a reel of footage has forced them to shoot a scene live. Said scene involves a party being thrown for Dorothy’s characters, putting her in the starring role. And THAT is when Michael takes his chance. Dorothy improvises a monologue about Emily’s REAL past, as a twin who tragically died before realizing her dream to become a hospital administrator. Ripping off his disguise, Michael reveals himself as Emily’s twin brother, Edward!
Everyone on stage and at home is SHOCKED, especially Les, John, Sandy, and of course, Julie. And once the cameras stop rolling, Julie now understands everything. She walks right up to Michael...AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE DICK
John asks if Jeff knows, and I break in half laughing.
Months pass. Michael was able to fund Jeff’s play in Syracuse, and goes to meet Les, who lives in the area. The two make amends after an understandably awkward reunion, and they begin the journey to become friends after everything. This prompts Michael to return to the city and speak with Julie, who is...less than happy to see him. Which, yeah, entirely fair.
But, again overcoming the initial awkwardness, Julie is able to admit that she misses her friend Dorothy. And Michael reciprocates, speaking for Dorothy, who is...well, him. He says the following great line:
I was a better man with you as a woman than I ever was with a woman as a man.
And from there...the two decide to rekindle a friendship, with Julie asking to borrow one of Michael’s dresses. And y’know...I’m rooting for those crazy kids.
That’s Tootsie! And, uh...I love it! I LOVE it. I actually think this is a great film, and one of the best I’ve seen this month. But I’ll elaborate...in the Review! See you there!
#tootsie#sydney pollack#dustin hoffman#jessica lange#teri garr#dabney coleman#doris belack#charles durning#bill murray#george gaynes#geena davis#comedy april#user365#365days365movies#365 movie challenge#365 movies 365 days#365 Days 365 Movies#365 movies a year#usercori#userleo#bbelcher
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how an idiot like me got into good schools
A quick run-through of my academic history and how I got into good colleges will be below the cut! I’m also including a list of some of the schools I got into for reference. I apologize in advance for how messy this is, but my memory is shitty and I remember random things that I keep throwing in lol. (and for people congratulating me, thank you very much, but I got into all these schools last year lol! so keep in mind I graduated high school in 2019)
If all you came for are the basic stats and you don't want my rambling:
I went to a public school
GPA: around 4.4 on 4.0 scale (3.9 unweighted)
SAT: 1520/1600
APs: 10 (4 3s, 2 4s, 4 5s)
Extracurricular: mainly NHS (around 300 volunteering hours), StuCo, Varsity Golf, and Quiz Bowl
EDIT: comments made by the readers who reviewed my application are available here!
First off, I am not an einstein! I am blessed that I pick up on stuff easily and gifted in academics, but I’m nowhere near a genius. For a little backstory, I went to a public school in Michigan for the entirety of my pre-k - 12 education. When I was in the third grade, the district introduced an accelerated program. We took a quasi IQ test and if we tested high enough (I think the threshold was 80%? If I remember correctly I got a 97) we were put in a class that was 2 years ahead in English and Math. We stayed grouped together for the rest of our public schooling, basically a core group of around 20 people. Since we were the first year of the program and our grade was exceptionally gifted for some weird reason, it was a very high achieving group of students, so I’m going to include their stats along with mine for comparison because colleges also factor in your peers when they look at your stats.
I’ll start off with basic stats:
I got a 1520 on the SAT. My grade had around 5 - 10 people achieve over 1500. Some of them had been studying for years, while others (me) did not know that the SAT existed until that year and couldn’t afford any private tutoring and had no patience for the study books from the library. I’m lucky to have an aptitude for the skills they were testing. I did not take any SAT subject tests.
For GPA, I think I ended up with around a 4.4 on a 4.0 scale. I was around 15/350 when it came to class standing, so I was far from the valedictorian. I think our valedictorians got around a 4.6 or 4.7.
I took 10 AP tests. I got a 3 in APUSH, World History, Language and Comp (I fell asleep lol), and Chem (I will get into this class a little later). I got a 4 in Literature (I fell asleep. Again.) and in Psychology. I got a 5 in Calc AB & BC, Comp Sci Principles, and Environmental Science.
AP classes were really pushed in my high school, especially onto my grade, and I don’t like being told what to do lol so I pushed back and took fewer AP classes than most of my peers (valedictorians ended up with maybe 15? It’s crazy) and basically only took classes I was interested in or that I had to take because I had exhausted the rest of the curriculum.
I also dual-enrolled in 2 classes at the local community college since I’d exhausted the curriculum at my high school for things I wanted to do (english and comp sci). I want to make it clear that I never sat down and planned how I was going to maximize my schedule or how I’d take the most advanced classes, I just fell into it since we had already essentially skipped two grades. Most people didn’t dual enroll since they wanted the AP GPA boost.
For extracurriculars, I mainly focused on Quiz Bowl, Golf, NHS (volunteered around 350 hours in 3 years I think) and Student Government. I never had any leadership positions and just kind of fucked around most of the time. Most of my peers held several leadership positions throughout the years and did like a bazillion things. 5 of them even traveled to Europe for some science research thing where they presented their research. I was not that big of a nerd.
In junior year, I stumbled on something called Questbridge and decided to apply because I wanted the money for the scholarship. I became a Questbridge college prep scholar, which then led me to apply for the National College Match. I didn’t rank any binding schools so I didn’t match, but I did apply to several schools with their application. If you are a low-income high achieving student, I highly recommend looking them up. I was the first person in my school to do this program and encouraged my peers to do it too. I think 4 of us were Questbridge scholars.
As you can see, I had good numbers, which probably got me past the first wave of application look throughs. However, I’m fairly confident that what made me stand out was my essays. I always stress this to whoever asks me for advice: do not write a perfect essay, write YOUR essay. I can only imagine how bored those poor people are of reading about someone winning a soccer game or a spelling bee. Add some pizzazz in there. Talk about your flaws and your mistakes and your unique life experiences!
For example, my personal essay wasn’t even in essay format! I wrote it like journal entries, focusing on my sophomore year when my life was Extra Tumultuous and I was going through homelessness. I did not say I was homeless once in the essay. I just did day by day entries of what my life was like during that time and through that the readers were able to see that I loved to read, that I am fiercely protective of my single-parent family, and they saw how I handled adversity. I want to stress that I’m not encouraging poverty porn at all. I did not write it to make the reader feel bad. I simply relayed what I thought about in a day, focusing on both big and small.
I also wrote about funny things related to academics, partly to explain my transcript and partly to be funny. This is the AP Chem thing. I actually dropped out of it after one term (so about a third of the way through) so I could dual enroll in a class I was interested in instead. My chem teacher HATED that since I was good at chemistry (hate it. Hate that subject so much) and tried to convince me to stay. One of the things he said was “You’ll never be ready for college if you don’t take this class! You wouldn’t even be able to pass the AP test!” so I said bet. dropped the class and signed up for the AP test that same day and showed up almost every day for the rest of the year and dicked around the entire class, taking naps in the back of the lab, sitting on his desk, cracking jokes about whatever he was teaching. I got a 3 on that exam purely out of spite with only half the information I needed. So write about stuff like that. It’s fun.
The fact that I had no guidance in writing the essays was actually really good for me since I just kind of let loose. My UChicago essay read like I was on crack, and they loved it so much that they literally mentioned it during the welcome speech for their little college visit in April.
And don’t sweat over the small stuff! The short answers don’t have to be perfect and mind-blowing, just answer honestly. For the “why Yale” supplemental essay I just ranted about how beautiful their library is for a good 300 words (at some point I said I needed my inhaler because it was that breathtaking. I made a Yale admissions officer read that.) I ranted about Howl’s Moving Castle to Columbia. I told them my favorite magazine was the American Girl ones for their arts and crafts! I have a friend at Columbia who literally sent them a picture of her in a duck costume as a supplement. They loved it. So don’t lose your mind trying to sound worldly and educated. You’re like. 17. Just answer honestly and don’t think too hard about it.
I was also extremely lucky to have a dedicated counselor who sat down for hours with each individual student to write fantastic letters of recommendation. She really made it clear what I had achieved and what challenges I’d faced.
So. tl;dr: I got lucky. Unless your parents donated a couple billion to the school, there are no guarantees. Sometimes you can have the stats and perfect essays and amazing extracurriculars and you can still get rejected because they don’t think you’re a good fit with the school compared to the rest of the applicants. There’s limited space in the student body. I got into schools my valedictorians didn’t get into even though I was academically less than them in every possible way. So let yourself shine through your essays and know you’ll end up in an environment that values the person they saw in those essays.
I got into a lot of schools, and don’t really have a record of all of them, but here are some of the top ones I can remember off the top of my head:
Yale, Columbia, University of Chicago (likely letter), Northwestern, University of Michigan, Northeastern, CWRU, UNC Chapel Hill, and a couple other schools here and there that slip my mind at the moment.
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