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vixstarria · 24 days

Text

'Erotic misadventures'

Hello, I wrote this for an April Fools challenge, and now it is your problem.

Challenge terms: The challenge is simple - write something spicy that uses the worst possible terms for body parts, sex acts, and so on!

AO3 link

So I've always had this headcanon that Tav and Astarion perform readings of really bad erotica for the group at camp. This is a depiction of one such evening.

All origin characters.

18+, humor, banter. Is this actually smut? I don't know. I hope not.

Content warnings: ...Yes.

Approx. 1,800 words

It was, without a shadow of a doubt, the best piece of fiction they’d ever come across.

Meticulously handwritten in a tidy script, the text filled a sizeable journal. “Her Highness’s Erotic Misadventures” read the title. “Thank you for beta reading, Harpy Quinn”, it said at the bottom of the title page, whatever that meant.

Despite both of them having a professional interest in lewd literature, neither Astarion nor Tav had ever come across this piece before - they doubted it had ever been published. They doubted it could ever be published, for that matter. However, it must have gone through many hands privately - on flipping through the journal it was discovered that the end contained a multitude of little gushing reviews in other people’s writing.

The author must have been one strange individual, with even weirder friends. How embarrassing.

The gang had called it a day and were gathered around the campfire. Astarion and Tav had been taking turns reading from the manuscript, to their companions’ amusement (and, in Gale’s case, vexation).

Despite being seasoned experts in the genre, Wyll and Shadowheart were visibly perturbed (albeit also intrigued) by the piece. Karlach hung on to every word, and even Lae’zel had stopped tending to her weapons to listen to the strange tale spun by the anonymous author. Volo, whose unwarranted presence continued to be tolerated, although no one could quite pinpoint why, was silent, furiously scribbling notes in his own journal. And as for Gale, well…

“This is deplorable,” said Gale, weary disappointment and disdain in his voice. “The only reason I am still here is because none of you can be trusted with the pot.”

Astarion ignored him and continued to pace around the fire, reading aloud from the journal.

As the title suggested, the story depicted a series of obscene misfortunes which had befallen a hapless princess and her loyal knight. After several chapters of delving into the princess’s tragic and salacious backstory in (frankly bewildering) detail, the narrative had at last moved forward to a scene in which the princess’s knight came to her rescue after she had been kidnapped and taken away to a cave by a dragon. The knight faced the said dragon (who had then taken a dragonborn form for some reason) and its two harpy henchwomen.

“‘Its weak spot is its bussy’, the princess cried out from the cave,” read Astarion. “What in the hells is a ‘bussy’..?” he asked, lifting his head to seek counsel from his companions.

Everyone around the fire just shook their heads, equally perplexed.

“Hmm… Well, it seems our hero doesn’t know that word either...” Astarion continued reading.

“‘Puzzled, the paladin took a shot in the dark, cramming her manhood-’ Wait, what? I could have sworn...” Astarion shuffled through the pages. “…Oh she’s got both sets. How convenient… Anyway. …‘Cramming her manhood into the dragonborn’s meatgrinder’.” Astarion frowned again, sitting down next to Karlach.

“Is the ‘meatgrinder’ the dragonborn’s mouth, or..?” asked Shadowheart.

“I… think so? There’s not many contextual clues here, it just says that the ‘meatgrinder swirled around her pork sword, stunning her and nearly making her forsake her oath of propriety’.”

“Well keep going, we’ll figure it out,” Karlach said, impatiently.

“The two harpies swarmed the stunned paladin. A hand deftly shed the paladin’s breastplate, exposing her pearls, whilst another grabbed her by the neck, clawed fingers shredding the remnants of her clothing, as two hands groped and teased her milkbags. She felt a hand creep up the back of her thigh while another hand pulled on her hair, as another crept to her moistening oyster-” Astarion stopped, with an exasperated sigh. “How many hands do these bloody things have?! I’m losing focus.”

“And the mention of pearls…” Wyll said, thoughtfully. “It’s peculiar, you would think a pearl would be inside the… never mind”.

“Shadowheart, could you and Tav assist us with a visual, perchance,” asked Astarion. “I can’t be the only one who can’t keep track.”

“Perhaps I could also be of assis-” started Wyll.

“Perhaps you could sit right back down,” Astarion warned with a glower. “I'll step in if needed. Where was I..? Ah yes, the err… the milkbags. So there’s definitely two hands there.”

Both Tav and Shadowheart giggled as Shadowheart stood to join Tav by the fire and reached around Tav to lightly place her hands over the other woman’s breasts.

“Nice,” said Karlach.

“The harpy pinched her pearls, and pulled her into a deep, ravishing kiss,” Astarion read, looking up expectantly at Tav and Shadowheart.

“Uh… That is not in the book, soldier,” said Karlach, reading over Astarion’s shoulder.

“Spoilsport,” muttered Astarion. “I was just trying to set the mood before moving forward - the author’s pace is almost too relentless even for me. But fine.”

Astarion cleared his throat and continued.

“Then one of the harpies used her hands to pry open the paladin’s clam.” He looked up again. “Well come on, Shadowheart, pry open Tav’s clam.”

Shadowheart simply laughed and returned to her spot across the fire.

“If you’re not sure how - we could show you later tonight, if you like,” Astarion called out after her.

“I’m sure I could give you some pointers on dealing with clams, Astarion,” retorted Shadowheart.

“Is that so..?” he purred. “Interesting… What about you, Karlach, are you adept with clams?”

“You know I haven’t had any clams in a decade, fangs!” Karlach groaned. “But before that… They used to just fling themselves at me, already opened, yeah.”

“Fascinating. Lae’zel?”

“There are a number of women who have survived bedding me,” the githyanki responded, deadpan.

“I am… in equal parts concerned and aroused at the thought,” Astarion mulled over her words.

“I wish anyone could survive bedding me,” grumbled Karlach.

“There there, darling…” Astarion reached out to carefully pat her on a horn. “Now we all know Gale doesn’t know the first thing about clams…”

“I’ll have you know, in my ethereal relations with my goddess, our connection was so profound that not only have I experienced her ‘clam’, I have interconnected with it on such a sublime and intimate level, been woven so deeply into it to myself have become part of the clam.”

Gale’s outburst failed to have the effect he had desired, as the group struggled to contain themselves, wheezing and huffing for air.

“Thank you, Gale, I don’t believe I’ll be able to get that image out of my mind anytime soon,” Astarion continued, trying to maintain his composure. “Wyll..? How fare you with prying clams open?”

“Well…” The warlock began, with a smile. “I find, that the best way to go about it is to allow the clam to open of its own accord, from heat. From it getting sufficiently… steamy, if I may. I would never simply invade one with my blade.”

Astarion was about to say something but just chortled instead.

“Wyll, you rapscallion, every time I think I have you figured out-”

“What happens next with the harpies?” Came an impatient call from Lae’zel.

“Yes, give me that, you’re taking too long,” said Tav, snatching the journal back from Astarion. She continued to pace around the fire as she recited:

“The dragonborn stood before the browbeaten paladin, reveling in her anguish. Even had the harpies not had a firm grasp on the paladin and her unmentionables, she would not have known how to approach the dragonborn – the loathsome creature was covered in impenetrable scales. Its mouth sported rows upon rows of sharp teeth – the only reason it allowed the paladin’s mutton machete out unscathed must have been because it had worse yet torments in mind for it.

The creature turned its back on the paladin, to roar tauntingly at the princess somewhere in the cave.

‘Behold, as I turn your valiant saviour into naught but a pathetic cumdumpster!’

As it turned its back, the paladin glimpsed a narrow, pink orifice beneath its tail.”

Karlach and Wyll gasped in unison.

“The bussy!” Lae’zel hissed in a hushed whisper.

“The paladin drew on the last of her divine power to throw the harpies off, smiting them unconscious, and plunged her hand into the dragonborn’s puckered hole.”

“I am going to be sick,” moaned Gale.

“The dragonborn cackled and flexed their beef ring, tightening its grasp on the paladin’s hand. The paladin reeled in horror, as the dragonborn’s poop chute seemed to suck the paladin’s hand further in, like fleshy quicksand, whilst threatening to snap her wrist.”

A tear of anguish slid down Gale’s cheek.

“It cannot be! Was the bussy a trap?!” came an outcry from Lae’zel.

“No! It could not end this way. Her entire life and all her training had been preparing her for this,” Tav read. “What in the hells, really?” she muttered, before continuing. “In that moment, she knew that the only way out - was through. The paladin took a deep breath and PLUNGED her arm deeper into the dragonborn’s vile cavity,” Tav exclaimed, throwing her own fist in the the air, to the sound of Astarion’s uncontrollable giggling and everyone else’s gasps.

“The dragonborn yelped and tried to expel the paladin’s arm from their pulsating dirtbox, to no avail. The paladin was now elbow deep in the mud dungeon. The two continued to wrestle, the paladin’s arm pumping deeper and deeper into the dragonborn’s dank portal.”

“I fear I may need to tap out soon,” warned Wyll.

“Weakling!” Lae’zel and Shadowheart said in unison, before glaring at one another.

No one, including Karlach herself, could tell whether she was laughing or crying.

“At last, the dragonborn seemed to accept its fate, quivering and taking the paladin’s arm nearly shoulder-deep. The creature grunted and groaned, before stilling, only to unleash an earth-shaking roar, finally forcefully expunging the paladin’s arm in a spray of gooey, milky spunk, as it collapsed on the ground, convulsing, clearly too incapacitated to be of any further threat.”

“Supper is ready,” wept Gale.

“Shall I take over while you eat?” Astarion asked, to Gale’s immediate renewed protestation.

“That’s alright, I think we should take some mercy on Gale and pause here for the day,” said Tav. “Although let me peek ahead, perhaps it’s tame enough.” She took the journal and flipped forward a few pages. “Oh my…” came a surprised murmur from Tav. “You’ll never guess what happens to the princess and her knight… This may be a problem if we want to continue to visualise this masterpiece properly.”

“Oh? Dare I ask..?” Astarion was giddy with anticipation.

“Well… There are now… Five… Six… No, seven! Seven dwarves, who have appeared in the cave.”

“Goodness gracious,” lamented Astarion. “We will never keep track of all the body parts… Perhaps if Withers steps in to help..? Would you prefer to be the princess or the knight, darling? You can choose, I’ll take the other role.”

“I am going to use that journal for kindling tomorrow,” said Gale.

“NO!” came a collective shout from the rest of the group.

~~~~~

Sorry about the psychic damage, come check out my other work if you dare.

~~~~~

Tagging the usual plus some people who I think might also be doing / were interested in this:

@littleenglishfangirl @something-pithy @darlingxdragon @tallymonster @tragedybunny @spunky-89 @acourtofpenandpaper @yoonshope @lariatbunny @whiskeyskin @spacebarbarianweird @brabblesblog @littlejuicebox @icybluepenguin @snowfolly @pursuitseternal @comatosebunny09 @kittenintheden @bardic-inspo @tavyliasin

#BG3AprilFoolishness #bg3 #bg3 fanfiction #fanfic challenge #april fools #writing challenge #baldur's gate 3 #comedy smut #astarion #tav #karlach #gale #shadowheart #lae'zel #wyll #smut

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2smolbeans · 7 months

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Yandere CEO dilf x Childhood Friend Employee x Yandere Buisness Partner Reader (AU)

You want what he wants, but he doesn't want to share.

Based on my yandere CEO & COO story

Tags: Reader is protrayed as a flirty yandere, stalking, mentions of previous murder victims, rivalry, pettiness, the man ABSOLUTELY despises you, implied daddy issues, stalker stalking another stalker, mentions of a dead partner/wife, delusional thinking, thoughts of marriage/making the 'perfect' family.

Note: This is mostly just me writing scenarios/hypotheticals for my ocs-

Just wanted to make that clear! ^^

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Hyun was young and dumb in his 20s and slept around too much. His friends would warn him to calm down, to settle down, or to at least take a break from the multiple fuck buddies. He didn't listen, and still continued to sleep around like the playboy he was. Eventually, it caught up to him when he got someone pregnant. It was an accident, and by god was it the first time he ever felt fear. He didn't love the mother, he had the power and money to dissapear from her life. But he wanted to at least do the bare minimum. So he listened to her, understanding that she wanted to keep the baby, that she wanted at least some help raising it.

Of course, he did everything he could to make her happy. Letting her live at his house, built a room for their baby, spending quality time with her, throwing money at her so that she could relax and take care of their child. He didn't love her, but he felt proud to be with her. She proved the one thing that mattered in his life. That even though him and his father had the same habits, the same mindset, violent tendencies, sadistic urges, and obessive habits.

they were two different people.

One was a cruel sadistic monster who joyfully indulged tortuing his loved ones, while being the most sweet charasmatic CEO to the outside world.

While the other was a cold stoic buisness man who happily beat down his competitors with no remorse, but being the most kindest gentle father behind closed doors.

It was something Hyun felt pride and comfort from. So when she died, he didn't know what to do with himself. They had been together for only two years. Two years, and just like that, she was gone. Now, only 22 with a two year old son, he didn't know how to raise him alone. He had a company to take care of, a son to raise, and nobody by his side to help him. He felt like a mess. It was hopeless.

Except, he had a friend who wanted to understand him. Someone who put him back on his feet and gave him a hand. That reliable somebody who often helped babysit and care for his son when he had to stay at the office for those long hours. A friend that's known him since he was 16, the friend that's been by his side since the birth of his child.

From the moment Hyun "tragically" lost his father to when had his first child, April was there as the supporting him. Always sleeping over, calling him, bringing all sorts of comforting sweets to cheer him up. He's done everything for him. He's the only one he can rely on.

And with the way April so happily dotes on his son, treating them like his own baby. It's given Hyun retrospective on a lot of things.. He'd be lying if he said he was never attracted to him before. God might as well smite him dead if he ever claimed that he never looked at his friend with a certain lense before. But then why did he sleep around? Why didn't he just pursue him and get it on with? Things could've been so different..

At the time, he was confused about his feelings. All he knew was that he was angry and annoyed about those strange thoughts and urges towards his dear old pal, how there was nothing that he could do about it besides hope that it blows over. But now? He knew better. Espically when April had made it clear in the past on how he wanted to be with Hyun..Sending him all sorts of mixed signals..Smiling at him with so much love, being so sweet towards him and his child, cuddling right up to him whenever he slept over.

He was beautiful and so loving. He was the puzzle, the missing part of the triangle. He was the ideal spouse, the perfect parental figure. It was clear as day that he was trying to tell Hyun that he was his since day one. Now that he was able to gather the pieces, finally knowing his final goal to provide the best for himself and his son, you come along. Ruining it all. Smiling all cheerful when you step into the room. Cackling like the witch you are, moving your lips a rat. Hating you was an understatement. He wanted you gone.

If he didn't care about the company, he could've killed you off like the others. But NOOOO. You were important, special. You were a business partner, somebody that could potentially generate more wealth and eliminate his competition if you worked with him. He had to play this one smart. He had to keep you for the sake of the company.

So grinding his teeth together, he smiled at you when the both of you agreed to sign the contract together. At first, working with you wasn't so bad. You were good at your job, diligent with the numbers, and hell, you even got the company on the spotlight for their new launch of makeup. He almost began to like you.

But then you started walking around the employee cubicles, talking to April out of all people. Smirking at him, teasing at him, even daring to put your hand on his shoulder. Hyun's seen the two of you together. He's seen how you've started to dress up more in the hopes of getting his attention. The way you would get close towards his face, just to see him blush and panic. How you would side eye anyone who dared to interrupt your time with him.

It was a constant battle every day. Hyun would be alone with April at a perfect moment, finally having him all to himself while he would ask him out for a nice 'friendly' dinner. For old times' sake. And just as things were about get good- you come bursting through the door. Hugging him and April at the same time, destroying the moment as you rambled about nothing. Grinning while your hands snaked towards his precious employee's chest, whining about how 'lonely' you were and how you wished someone could 'comfort' you.

Ohh he really fucking hated you.

He remembered asking you one time about how you felt towards April during a business dinner meeting. Commenting how he's seen you linger around him on multiple occasions. It was out of character for him, but curiosity the best of him..

"Mhn? He's just fun to play with. It's cute seeing him squirm. But.. I think I want to know him more. I can't help it, I'm a sucker for glasses~"

He wonders how nice you'll look hanging from a meat hook. :)

You weren't too much of a threat so far, just a bit flirty and annoying. You were a bit nosey as well, often staying late into the company quarters. Snooping around in places you shouldn't be looking. It was funny, really. You were so cunning, such the sweet talker - yet you weren't smart enough to think that he wouldn't keep an eye on you?

You weren't subtle stalking April as well. Hiding from a corner while you watched April walk to his bus stop? That was the equivalent of hiding behind a bush. Taking pictures of him while he's not looking with your cellphone? Subtle. Spreading rumours about certain people so that he avoids them like the plague? What are you, a wannabe Regina George?

Everything thing you do in secret, Hyun knows.. Maybe because Hyun was also stalking you while no one else was..A stalker stalking another stalker- the irony. Hyun just wished that someone would just whisk you away. Someone just as annoying, wealthy, crazy, and possessive to distract you from the person he needs in his life.

God, if only he had someone to introduce you to....

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