#all within the first five minutes

[divinekangaroo]

Movies/books which seared me:

hana-bi

melancholia

the aunt (patrick white)

never let me go (ishiguro)

#they all have a thing about boredom as an existential state even more than grief #dkw to call it but something about mundanity being profound and the profound being mundane #and in a way they are all horror stories too but it's the horror of individual existence within a context #and strange beauty #five minute question-answer these were the ones that floated up first so im gonna assume they're the right answers #i think for me there's a point where media has to become separate from its sense of its own cleverness #PB is interesting because there's a huge layer of revelling in its cleverness but then there's a huge layer of stuff they must have #-realised almost *no one* would parse; they never ever talk about it in interviews either #hana-bi is also a cop/gangster-*type* movie which uses genre motifs to look at grief and subverts #the grief is unbelievable and understated despite very contrived devices it doesn't *feel* like it's rolling in its own cleverness

[scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde]

I made a meme do you leik it :)

#i am SUFFERING out here #i have a presentation and essay for one module a presentation for another module and an object to make with a 1000 word explanation?? #for another module all due within the next two weeks #and i am unable to get out of bed 👍🏻 #fantastic timing dont you think #theres been trouble with my antidepressents so im off those too which ahahahahah doesnt help #and i cant got to the doctors for them cause ill have to fight for it and then that will give them reason to not give me testosterone in #december when im due to get it cause im 'unstable' and my doctors surgery isnt very fond of me starting anyway #im not about to give them a reason to stop me from getting the perscription #so ive just got to fucking raw dog life for the first time since i was 16 how great #no i cannot complete these very important assignments that count towards my degree im trying not to throw myself into oncoming traffic soz #and also trying to manage to feed myself and perhaps leave my bedroom for a total of five minutes at least a day #this has not been entirely achievable but yk im doing my best 😀👍🏻 #depressive episode #did any of yall see those two girls with a podcast that said i love my mental illness it makes me who i am #because i think about those two far too often and im so glad everyone was in the comments so much so they deleted the video lmfao cause bro #depression #can suck my dick #in a bad way

[duckapus]

Obviously, due to the whole "Doofenshmirtz ruled the world for several years" thing, Second Dimension Norman Osborn never had a chance to try to make an army of giant mutant spiders that ended up being radioactive but otherwise normal spiders (yes, that's why the radioactive spider was a thing in Candace's universe. Keep in mind Norman is a Doof-style evil scientist there), so there's no Spider-man variant there. This does not stop Candace-2 from getting involved in Spidey Stuff because the resistance still has access to the "Other-Otherdimensionator" that Heinz built for Doof-2, and have made a significantly improved version of the handheld version Phineas and Ferb made. She mostly just shrugs off the fact that Candace-1 (and anyone who isn't OWCA-associated) can't initially remember her.

Meanwhile, Doof-2 can't figure out how to make his own Otherdimensionator, or replicate most of Heinz's other Inators, despite "objectively" being the more competent of the two, much to his frustration.

#spiderverse #phineas and ferb #across the second dimension #spider-candace au #heinz doofenshmirtz #candace flynn #2nd dimension doofenshmirtz #2nd dimension candace #norman osborn #the new handheld otherdimensionator is basically just doof's improved version of a portal watch #first universe she ends up in is hobie's and she starts fighting cops within five minutes of landing there much to his delight #the cops there remind her WAY too much of normbots #doof-2 got all the evil and our doof got all the science #not saying doof-2 isn't still a genious #he just lacks the level of backstory necessary to reach anywhere near the same amount of creativity and reality warping as his counterpart #candace-1 isn't sure how to feel about her counterpart referring to herself as candace-2 as if she's some sort of copy #but it's not like she has any better ideas since neither of them like their middle name and thus wouldn't go down the peter b-miles g route

[that-one-loz-nerd]

Hot take: Totk's story would've been 1000% better if the zonai were introduced more slowly

#the zonai were a complete mystery in botw #then within the first five minutes of totk its all ''OH LOOK IT'S THE ZONAI EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT THE ZONAI RIGHT'' #like it would've been so much better if link woke up with his funky new arm and only the constructs were there to guide him #and the zonai charges were called construct charges as well so you had zero idea about the zonai (ppl might guess early on but it wouldn't- #be confirmed they were zonai tech) #as you progress through the story you learn more and more about the zonai and who they were #until about halfway or three quarters through the story a main quest leads you to the zonai ruins in faron where you meet rauru's ghost #and he explains about link's new arm being his etc #idk i feel like it would've preserved the mystery of the zonai and made me more engaged in the story #it would've been fun to theorise about the zonai as i went through the game rather than being told everything immediately #totk is a fantastic game but the story definitely could've been better (especially the continuity between botw and totk) #not trying to hate on totk its just that looking back on it the introduction to the zonai was very sudden #totk #totk spoilers

[littler3d]

I desperately need someone to write a list of the lore we learn in the nightmare times because I cannot physically make myself watch it again

#starkid #hatchetfield #nightmare time #I watched it when it first came out #all I remember is that Paul and Emma get replaced #and Tom has a weird relationship with his car #every time I try I end up leaving the video within five minutes #also linda gets vored

[shehungthemoon]

TY Kenobi for giving us the tragic, fiery nightmare angst that I have been reading in fics for a decade. Very much appreciated tbh.

#cannot believe episode one said prequel AND obikin rights all within the first five minutes #as they should kings <3 #obi wan kenobi #obikin #star wars #kenobi tv #ewan mcgregor #hello lightsabers wrapped together in the sand

[seventeendeer]

just played sonic frontiers for the first time for a couple hours and in my professional Sonic Expert(tm) opinion, we need to crowdfund therapy for whoever directed this game. or, if I ever manage to locate the willpower to finish this fucking game, for me

#deerchatter #they fucking had me in 2017 or whatever when sonic forces came out and it was so fun and pleasant and in working order #i let my guard down. became complacent. thought for a second in time that sonic team finally learned how to code #not FUCKING SO MY FRIENDS !!! #you know a sonic game is gonna be a Sonic Game(tm) when one of the first things the game tells you is which settings to adjust if you're #experiencing motion sickness. within the first five minutes. thanks sonic team #anyway vis a vis therapy for the director: why is this game so sad?? all the music and the rain and the quiet ... ness?? #the literal writing says Sonic And His Friends Get Lost On A Island :) #the set pieces say sonic's battling depression in purgatory #don't get me wrong i love sonic games that suck that's why i go here but this one isn't just bad it's SUPER WEIRD .. #absolutely insane vibe direction on this bitch. shadow the hedgehog ps2 game was more upbeat than this #sonic frontiers spoilers

[gmmtv-bl-tournament-but-evil]

tonhon should win cuz i think that’s a funnier outcome but like. also tonhon has so many moments i just think are funny as fuck. I rewatch the dancing scene every few weeks. bad show but it and futs are in the “iconic ass comedic moments” folder of my brain

I also think Tonhon Chonlatee is overall a worse show while Sky in You Heart's biggest crime is just being boring as hell.

I will give you that Tonhon Chonlatee does have some fantastic comedy moments but it also frustrated me to no end and made me question whoever gives the go ahead to shows at GMMTV, if I'm being honest. Then again, in the world of TV, being boring is sometimes worse than any other flaw a show could possibly have. So who knows really?!

#asks #anonymous #kudos to Mark tho cause he was entirely a non-entity in SiYH for me and now he's doing a fantastic job in Cherry Magic. glow up of the year. #it's also true I love Pod beyond words but if it wasn't for his role in DBK I would have given up on tonchon within the first 5 minutes. #and we all know what happens in the first five minutes of tonchon so I would have been justified.

[cowboyhorsegirl]

now i'll always be in my cowboy era :)

#if i'm being honest i was never all that attached to docdracula #considering i picked the name within the first five minutes of deciding to make a tumblr #but this! this feels right <3 extremely on brand if nothing else #my employer's opinions #but also if i'm being doubly honest i did decide to change my username within the first five minutes of thinking of this LMFAO #but part of that was only bc i simply could not believe that this was available on both tumblr & ao3 #pinned

[dirt-str1der]

Miscellaneous majima everywhere comments

#Yakuza liveblog #i found you in the comments section kiryu chan !!! #thinking about how majima lets kiryu fuckinf brutalise him and shatter all his bones and then stands up and ambushes him within five minutes #i keep reading the first comment as kiryu is giving birth and i always double take #also y0 kiryu definitely has fractured forearms after the second kuze fight #and has just been going about his life like that

[statusquoergo]

“Come on.”

“Uh?”

Diane looks up as Naomi stands and holds out her hand as if this isn't a ridiculously careless thing she's asking her to do, as if neither of them has the good sense to mention that neither one of them has any idea what they're getting themselves into. As if neither of them might be walking straight into a trap of their own making, or nothing much will change at all and they'll forget about each other in a month, or a few days. As if it's a risk worth taking to find out which.

As if there's anything else to do today.

“I'm not going to the hospital.”

“I know.” Naomi reaches a little closer. “I have a first aid kit at home.”

Enough to get them through, that's all. Enough for now.

“You know how to wrap it?” Diane asks as she takes Naomi's hand to pull herself up, as though the answer might change her mind somehow. Naomi smiles a little, as though she knows it just as well that it won't.

“Yeah.” She sets Diane's hand down on her shoulder. “It's not far, come on. I'll carry you down the stairs.”

“You'll drop me.”

“I will not.” Naomi urges her forward, along the concrete path out of the park. “I mean I'm just offering, I don't have to.”

It's a nice gesture, though, isn't it? It was a nice thought.

They walk slowly down the street, stepping more or less in sync past the general store with the baking supplies just past the doorway, turning at the corner to walk toward the coin laundry that's open even at three in the morning and also on holidays. A hand-drawn poster in the window of the discount shoe store across the street loudly advertises VACUUMS REFURBISHED while a Times New Roman printout on the telephone cubicle in the middle of the block offers “suitable compensation” in exchange for willing test subjects, No Questions Please; a few steps farther along stands an apartment building that somehow looks like it's missing a couple of stories, and Diane shifts her weight to her good leg as Naomi steps away to fumble with the lock on the front door.

“It's the door on the left,” Naomi says, the door sticking only slightly as she shoves it open. “When you get to the basement.”

She opens the first door on the right, a stairwell that only leads down.

“Upstairs is that door over there, but I don't know any of the neighbors, so. I'm not gonna introduce you to anyone.”

That's fine. Diane doesn't want to know any of them, either.

Naomi walks down the stairs first and doesn't try to carry her.

“Bathroom's at the end of the hall,” she says. “The taps aren't broken, the water's just cold when it's cold outside and warm when it isn't, but if you let it run for a little while, it'll...fix itself. And make sure you don't touch the water heater, it's metal and it gets really hot sometimes.”

Diane clutches the wooden banister nailed to the wall as she limps her way down and wonders how much of all this she's supposed to remember. All of it, probably. It isn't very complicated.

Naomi unlocks the door on the left and holds it open.

“You can sit on the bed.”

It's good of her to offer. It isn't much of a bed, really, more of a mattress pushed into the corner, but that isn't exactly a surprise, and it's good of her to offer all the same.

“Thanks,” Diane says, a little too late to seem quite natural. Naomi hums a disinterested acknowledgment and doesn't seem to mind.

“Take off your shoes.”

Diane promptly unties her sneakers, placing them on the floor beside the bed as Naomi kneels in front of her with a roll of ACE bandage in her hand and her eyes focused on Diane's ankle like she's the only attending physician in the entire complex who doesn't have better things to do with her time than tend to something as trivial as all this. Diane should count herself lucky the timing worked out the way that it did.

Lucky, was it? It's about time.

The single bulb in the overhead light flickers a little as if a public execution has just disrupted the power grid, or someone's turned on too many air conditioners at once and blown a fuse a few floors up.

“Don't worry about it,” Naomi says. Diane doesn't bother to assure her that she wasn't.

#anna tries to be original #i started reading something that objectively has nothing wrong with it but within about three pages had me bored out of my mind #and i started skimming it to see if it picked up or anything caught my interest later on #but i noticed that a few of the paragraphs were like thirty lines long #and i immediately noped the hell out of there #and then i was like 'you know what i should do is i should work on that story that i spend about twenty minutes on every four or five days' #i took a phys ed class in college that was literally all education #we didn't actually do any sports or anything #it was all classes and lectures and stuff #one day we went to the nurse's office or whatever you call that area on a college campus #and we learned how to wrap sprained ankles #i know i picked it up very quickly but i have absolutely no recollection of how to do it now #also yesterday i had to spend the day dealing with some incredibly idiotic coworkers #i don't even think they're necessarily stupid people but they were certainly acting like it #and first thing this morning one of the messaged me with a stupid question to follow up on all her stupid questions from yesterday #'where is this data in the file?' oh gosh i don't know have you tried spending two seconds actually LOOKING FOR IT #and someone else messaged me at the same time to ask for help with something that he's now doing completely wrong #but it's a new system and i know he's trying and i also know he is actually good at his job so i don't mind helping him #but i'm going to have to waste my afternoon in a meeting with the other idiot #and two people who DO have their shit together but i know for sure that if he has to do anything it'll add like half an hour's time #to a task that should take five minutes tops #also there's a severe weather warning for excessive heat today #i want to go out and buy some fruit before it gets too unbearable #but in order for that to happen i need these people to leave me alone for twenty minutes

[iidsch]

whats up with nintendo introducing interesting characters just to kill them or make them disappear like five minutes later

#m #totk spoilers #the legend of zelda #first they killed all the champions and now they make raul disappear....... #like imagine if they had killed midna within the first five minutes of tp. would have lowered the game to a 4/10 unironically

[revenantghost]

I’m so behind on my anime watching this season... OOF

#I've only tried four and gave up within the first five minutes for all five aksjdnkadn #*four #Two because the dialog was so bad #And the other two because the brain demons aren't in the mood though they look lovely #WAIT THERE'S A FIFTH #That was fantastic but premiered early so I forgot #I have... *counts* #Six tabs of anime up to try RIP me #Yadda yadda

[arthur-r]

i have a job interview tomorrow for a babysitting job i don’t even want….

#an irl friend used to babysit for this family #and now they really really need a babysitter. they pay $7 an hour according to tara which is even less than my job that rips me off #and i get that babysitting is different but this is the kind of job for someone who isn’t old enough to work a minimum wage job yet #like im professionally employed and if im getting another job i want it to actually make a dent in paying for college #and actual life expenses and all of that. not a little mini subminimum wage side hustle #i literally already have a subminimum wage main hustle. if im working somewhere else it’s going to be a grocery store goddammit #but anyway basically just. i never texted those people about babysitting because i didn’t really want to. but then my irl followed up #and says they really really need a babysitter and i should really get in touch with them. so i did #i introduced myself as ari and we’re meeting up tomorrow at 2:00 pm. so that’s fun #like i won’t object if this becomes what i do with some of my evenings every week i won’t be upset or like. say no #but i just wish i didn’t have to reach out about it in the first place. like. yes im looking for a second job. but please understand it’s #i already have a job where the terrible pay is made worth it by a loving and not-too-busy workplace environment #i really don’t need another one of those…. like i love kids but it’s just. when i say im looking for a second job what i mean is a $16/hour #fast paced grocery job within biking distance four or five mornings a week #then i’ll actually be getting somewhere. i don’t want to set a whole night aside for $21 when i could be with my own baby sister #but anyway yeah. that’s what im going to be up to tomorrow. 2 pm mark your calendars arthur will be out and gone #im so tired i need a hug #also i think im heading to bed any minute because my mom gets home on tuesday and i have to get my room clean before she sees me and so i #need to go to sleep early so that i can wake up early so that i can go for a walk with the irl i mentioned and then meet that family #idk i’ll just get the babysitting job and my pizza job and add a grocery job and all of a sudden i’ll be a millionaire or something #might as well make the most of my time this summer all it’s going to be otherwise is family time and i miss my baby sister but still #anyway i also might still end up making and selling jewelry before this summer is over. i might be able to buy a car or something after that #….or a limited edition used fender stratocaster in fiesta red with gold hardware. but um. here at arthur inc we spend our money responsibly #however if i buy that guitar i can sell my current guitar which my dad got for free from a friend…. which means…. turning a profit (kinda) #anyway idk. my main focus is always college but i want to have fun with my life too. it’s getting harder to budget responsibly #man this post is going to be a minefield of bots. hate talking about money and jobs on tumblr dot com #but anyway just. i should probably sleep but yeah im getting another job most likely. and then probably another one #but im probably logging off of tumblr now. just had to take a second and say all that i guess #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[hussyknee]

i'm so confused rn, can you explain the goncharov thing?? i get off tumblr for five minutes

(Edits closed as of 28 Nov.)

Lmaoooo

Nah I getchu. So this post has been circulating for like two years:

Link to post.

But yesterday, it had inspired someone to do this:

Link to post.

Next thing I knew there were fake Letterboxed reviews.

Goncharov moodboards. Really good ones.

Link to post.

Meta analysis. So many fake meta essays. Disturbingly good ones. And of course the memes. (Edit: HAVE I SAID THIS SHIT IS DISTURBING)

As you can see, the myth just started to grow, characters and ships and tropes being added one after the other, almost bizzarely without contradiction, until there was enough of shape to the whole thing for people to start posting fanfic about it on AO3. "No beta we die like ice-pick Joe" is already a tag.

Link to post.

It was hilarious in the beginning, but the way it's developed within less than a day, kind of like it's being willed into existence, is freaking me out a bit. We're toying with powers beyond our comprehension. 😂😂😂

Link to post.

Of course, there could be an ulterior motive as well.

Link to post (tags mine).

Edit: guys, please tag these posts "unreality" so people with disassociation issues can filter them out (not this one, this is an explainer). <3

----------------------------------------------

Edit 2: Aparently the boots in the original post are actually referring to a movie called Gomorrah that came out in 2008, directed by Mateo Garrone, based on the Scampia Feud. And other people had also been making posts about the fake movie for a while before the poster took off.

found by @thepotch

Edit 3: Explainer: why did those boots have this movie on them anyway?

Edit 4: Alt text added to all images courtesy of @valentineish ❤️

Edit 5: Turns out tumblr has done this kind of thing before. Nine years in this hell place and I had to have "Squiddles" and penis smp explained in the replies.

Edit 6: This post collects the Lore so far.

Edit 7: Lynda Carter (real one)/ earns more/ Tumblr cred.

Edit 8: Holy shit y'all we have the theme music. With sheet music. And it's on Spotify!

Edit 9: THERE IS A TRAILER WITH THE THEME MUSIC

----------------------------------------------

I made this post 18 hours after the movie poster went up. Closed edits 27 hours after first posting. So all of the above happened within 45 hours of the movie poster going up.

Edit 10: Google document live-compiling all the lore so far (Day 3)

Edit 11: Masterpost of Goncharov soundtracks (Day 3)

Edit 12: Entertainment news articles covering the Gonch-posting (real) (Contd from yday)

Edit 13: The music from the masterpost all compiled into a 31-minute original score with video edits on YouTube (edit: unfortunately taken down)

Edit 14: Staff's Goncharov art showcase for Tumblr Tuesday

As of closing on Day 3 there are 371 works in the AO3 tag.

-----

Updating with Day 3 shenanigans I missed yesterday:

Edit 15: Goncharov TV Tropes page

Edit 16: Ethics of Gonchposting

Important PSA 1 (how to reduce harm to Tumblr's neurodivergents)

Important PSA 2 (reality affirmation, anti-bullying)

Important PSA 3 (why you should stop trying to vandalise legit information sites)

Edit 17: Character lore from beezlebub whose poster they originated from

Edit 18: What we know about/ Director Matteo JWHJ0715 (#unreality)

Edit 19: Link to post with screenshotted and described NYT article (scroll down) and this golden exerpt from BuzzFeed: 💀

(alt text included)

End of Day 4 there are now 485 works in the Goncharov tag on AO3

----

Didn't get to update this on Day 5, so these are the Day 5 doings:

More trailers!

Trailer 1 (My favourite)

Trailer 2

Trailer 3

Trailer 4

I also just found out about the Goncharov Game Jam.

It appears this opened a day after after the meme took off.

Goncharov was first entered into Wikipedia between Day 4 and 5 (attempts to vandalise it with fake info don't count, incidentally – please knock that shit off) under List of Internet Phenomena. This was then expanded into its own Wikipedia page at the end of Day 5 because, according to the talk history: "the topic now meets the notability threshold for its own artice due to significant coverage in The New York Times and other sources cited." We're on Wikipedia, people!

And then we made The Guardian half a day later. So while the meme is definitely dying down to embers by now, it still stays winning.

YouTube channels with episodes on the meme:

InformOverlord (4:30)

Lessons in Meme Culture (2:43)

End of Day of 5 there were 511 works on AO3, and End of Day 6 (today) there are 556.

--

🚨BREAKING 🚨 from Martin Scorsese's daughter's TikTok (real actual)

tw: unreality:

We did it you guys!

Clarification: Francesca Scorcese asked her Dad about the meme and Martin played along. Please reblog this PSA to help Tumblr people with psychosis. Thanks.

Final edit: Day 8. Media reactions to Scorcese's TikTok (everyone from Forbes to Vulture). That one Tumblr user who said they'd do a screenplay if their post got notes has promised to shoot a single scene, but please don't be dicks just because you reblogged it; leave them alone until they get around to it themselves. As of end of Day 8 there are 609 works in the AO3 tag. I love all you lunatics. Peace! ❤️

#goncharov 1973 #reasons i can never leave this hellsite #we've ascended from pirating criterion movies to straight up manifesting them into existence #get on our level twits #knee of huss #goncharov #tumblr lore #tumblr memes #tumblr culture

[boo-moved]

A cool knightie was super nice to me so that makes up for it :) I was scared for my life running and he hoisted me up over his shoulder and dropped me off at the end

#elyan bleats #everyone died within the first five minutes and I didn't get hit once #then the end came and I was looking all gloopy as Meg and he jus lifted me