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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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this morning i watched him simply turn to his mother, "oh yeah did i tell you about the bin" - a source of financial frustrations for him. and that brief moment, that opportunity and ability to turn to someone and say hey, heres this thing at a drop of a hat. i really yearn for that. most if not all of my current connecrions eith people are totally false. theres no substance or genuine care. theres just this surface level like you dont want to see a dog withiut water but youre not going to adopt the dog. lately ive felt extremely isolated - i dont know if its even worth talking about. i dot know if talking about it will solve it or make it easier. i guess i think abiut this one tidbit of advice his mother got, its about creating and living in a new normal. what was once normal for you is over and you have to create a new normal for you. so my new normal is spending a lot of time alone. even if i worked, perhaps itd bother me less because id be distracted and tired and that in itself is sad. no matter what there is an extreme looming sadness. why the fuck does any of this matter, why do i care - why should i go on? whats the purpose of going on? what do i have besides the belief thst "everything is out there for me" as if i magixally decided to hibernste and ignore what opportunities i had available. i am a god damn termite to people. im just like.. this thing that hovers around and sucks your resources but you feel bad for it so you let it go. lately ive noticed the air of desperstion i carry. i want to be around people. i want to care and be cared for. i want to be active in someones life and have someone message me and ask me whats up on a regular basis and just.. you kbow, care. but the more i want it the more people have turned away. i offer everything for it laid out in front of me - my house, my food, what little money i have, the opportunities i manage to come up with - i just keep offering it all out so i can have it in return. or maybe just a portion of it. i believe im worthy of love. i dont live in such a state of depression; i have a variety of interests, i hold good conversations about politics and life and philosophy, i am creatively ralented and my domestic skills are top notch as are my hosting skills. i am worthy of love. but i am not receiving it. i am inherently shielded from love. like its sketchy and gross. like im a diseased animal. maybe they want to love me but they cant because im a person who cant be loved. i want to go out and do things with people but i am not invited. i dont even think its a personal thing, i think they coukd even think i wont have the means or care to be involved. sometimes i dont. but im never asked out for a coffee or a drink. my friendships come by happenstance, as they always have, and thoee hwppenstance friendships have never lasted. why am i never asked oto do interesting or fun things? not even free things? im isolated and im constantly constantly constantly reaching out for something. just wow, thank you for talking to me. like i have to beg people to hang out, double, triple check they didnt forget and once im there they busy themselves with anything but a direct connection to me. i watched this right to die documentary. it was focused towards mental and unseen health issues and the argument was made that perhaos in sone of these cases, if they expended as much energy tryi to help them live as they did helping them die, the might actully not want to die. but i think society ca be like that. they would rather help you die, little by little, piece by piece, than expend the energy to help you live. i realized i am very different from others thiugh. people tend to accept a very small amount of "help" as sonething large and amazing that they did. they donated, had a coffee eith a friend whos been down for months, did a birthday psrty gig cheap etc. but i would literally accept them into my house right now and bathe them and feed them and give them my clothes and make them a bed and listen to them cry for hours endlessly. this is without question. all they have to do is ask. maybe not even ask - ill offer if i think theyy could use it. because it hurts me not to. i feel really anxiously guilty and it will be invasive to my life knowing i didnt give everything i couldve to a person i thiught needed help that i had grown a bond eith. THATS how ive been walked on for a long time. i alloeed it, maybe asked for it, because i believe in helping. i know how bad life is. i live in the trenches of it. i dont want to see another person suffer the same way. i think id gut myself and give a kidney to someone i loved. life is too hard and i feel too much. once you know what true loneliness is, it really changes you as a person. it changes and shifts your perspective and at times i feel like i want to be the most genrrous person, thst im moved by suffering but at other times i am bitter. absolutrly bitter towards the world around me. why is there suffering and why is it sonlarge you cant do anythint abiut it. why could i say every person i know is "crazy" - no one is crazy . everyone truly is exactly the way they needed o be to survive this long. they developed their own coping skills and theyre more than likelt a total inconvinience to everyone else. which makes it "crazy" i was called neurotic. im not crazy, im neurotic. why am i bothered. why. why do i care. i dont care. thats the problem. i "care" because my environment forced me not to care to a point that everything is utterly futile. i cannot find a purpose to care. i dont care about having things. i dont. i barely care about eating. i barely care about affording smokes. these are things i "want" at rhe very least and nothing pushes me for it. nothing gets me up and solving these problems. nothing makes me feel like any of this is important eniugh to have and experience and be. why? in the end , theres nothing. i cannot get over the pure nothingness ahead of me. thats reqllt driving my anxiety. to me, i see nothing. i dont see myself with this job or career i want to be apart of, actively socializing and existing, i dont see myself living in an apartment or basement or shack or trailer, i dont see a family, no children, no reliability, no stability. is it my environment. is it the people i know. is it my city. is it the country. how do i solve this. what can i do to create purpose? i went out, i joined clubs, i put on shows, i picked up hobbies, i met new people, worked new gigs, experienced new romances but to what purpose. what do i do now. how do i enjot life? i admired his ability to enjoy life as is. like he takes joy in small things and everything is meaningful and worth value. he created purpose in his work and drive. he still does. i want that. at the very least. start small, right? i want to find wonder and joy in my world. i want to feel what he feels; going hiking, bike riding, buileing things, playing games, friendships - theres just like accomplishment in it. i try to implement this, regularly. i really try. a d being poor makes it easy because you learn to appreciate things alot more. i am so grateful for the ability to have what i have. and i create these scenarios and try to appreciate its novelty, i guess. like painting in an artists studio in a gallery. it should be an experience, something creative and inspiring. but no matter how hard i try to shine the experience, its nothing more than a gsthering space for fuck ups. i hate it. i hate it but how do i change it and what do i want. what do i want so i know the path to take for it. i willingly try new things with ease becahse i hope itll be the thing. something will click and this will be it but im 27 yrs old and ive had many experiences thst led to nothing. always nothing. and i grasp. i like cats. maybe ill work in a pet store. but thats crazy, a pet store is mearly retail and retail is nothing more than stocking shelves and talking to people. othing to do with cats. do i go to school? do i dedicate my being for the welfare of cats? is it that important to my life? do i cook? professionally? what about baking? a greenhouse? floral designer? "just get -a- job". fine. fine. fine. get -a- job, but then what? i can eat but i have no desire to. i can buy nice things, go places - have no desire to. fantastic, im not a burden to anyone - the real goal. but i have nothing. and its so hard, so fucking hard to comprehend nothing when you know something. i never imagined the reality of nothing on such a level. ever. i knew it would come, but the heavy reality of it is something i never couldve known. so no one understands having a tangible "something" and feeling nothing. what is a nice house. what is a nice car. what is luxury and why does it matter and why dont i feel the same way about it? its nice, its easy, its beautiful- i see it. but why doesnt it make me feel the same way it does him and my exs and my friends. why dont i care? i think.. 5 hours ahead of me, really. i try to think a day or so ahead but i never go through with anything i think ill do a day from now. who knows what will happen. who knows if i get an opportunity for honest interacrion, who knows if i earn money - but i know in five hours ill still be here. ill probably want weed. ill probably want food. maybe ill be tired and sleep early or nap until someone bothers to acknowledge me. maybe they wont, but thatll be for me in five hours to deal with and itll start over again. working paycheck to paycheck is nothing like living hour to hour. i am in the absolute worst position of my life, bar none. i have never been so bad off, so depressed, so hopeless for such a long period of time. i am totally lost. always. j

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jones573 · 7 years

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what jack is (and isnt! he’s NOT a ‘genie’ he is VERY bitter about that comparison)

probably done being written, unless people have questions because i almost certainly forgot to address things

jack is the janitor’s cart of the universe, the broom and the bleach to make the nasty things go away. he is the caretaker of the natural order, and a destroyer of what would threaten it. but even that is too poetic.

in actuality, he is more like the neglectful and largely uncaring supervisor of a plethora of toddlers, if the daycare facility were an abandoned ammunitions and explosives factory with a lot of improperly stored gasoline. if a sentient being blew itself up- Well. It happened sometime. And they didn’t necessarily need that wall, did they? But if things got to the point that the entire place was going to blow, or damage the structure in such a way that would cause irreparable damage, then jack (or things like him) are the ones that ensure that doesnt happen. this is largely done by monitoring how loudly the small toddlers are screaming- if someone knows they have well and truly fucked up and is projecting that in their mental state, jack checks in. and usually he lets whatever’s about to happen, happen.

in the earliest days of the universe, jack was at his busiest. at least a couple times an epoch, some idiot would get into magic in a way it should not be gotten into, and jack intervened. but sentient beings got smarter, and magic got less accessible (perhaps the two are related, jack was not really interested in the proceedings at that point) and generally speaking, things got a lot quieter.

jack’s general state of being is one of passive hibernation- he just kinda chills out on his plane of existence and passively monitors the fuck-ups that are happening. i imagine if there were other things like him (there must have been, i suppose) they went into a deep hibernation sometime over the last several millennium, and have not risen since- perhaps their inactivity indicated they were no longer needed, and they simply ceased to exist. but jack was summoned by a shepard girl who found his ritual engraved inside a cave in the Atlas Mountains, and... well. finding livestock is absolutely in NO way anywhere near his job description but it was such an odd request and the girl’s general ‘not terrified’ attitude was interesting. (the visualization of his true form is awe-inspiring and quite alarming, but i imagine half the reason people always pissed themselves in fear when he arrived was the knowledge that they had fucked up enough for this thing to come for them)

at any rate finding livestock is not a task jack can expend his resources on but he stuck around until she had found them and found it a weird, if annoying experience, and he went back to chilling in another plane of existence. by the time he thought to check in on the girl, she had long since died (as had the livestock) and that was a bit sad and jack was unused to feeling things like ‘a bit sad’ and so he started paying attention to the little sentient critters a bit more actively. just to pass the time. and he made a few appearances here and there, even when he knew he couldnt or wouldnt do anything to assist. and he did find himself ‘assisting’ more often than he might otherwise have, finding ways to justify it to himself, and on one occasion even coaching someone on what NOT to say because so long as he wasnt directly told a certain fact or two, than he was free to act

in the arthurian age, the wizard merlin did some shit. really, quite a bit of shit- he binged jack’s radar a few times, but the clever wizard always managed to figure a way out of it before interference could be considered. but eventually merlin called him, having created something too terrible and too powerful that the wizard feared he could not control it, and that it would ruin everything he cared for

but merlin offered something in exchange for jack’s help- not completely unusual, of course. but usually it was tokens one might leave for a god entity- food and flowers and the like. but merlin asked jack to fix his mistake AND spare his life, and in return merlin would create a means for jack to become human

jack agreed, which was a terrible sign for merlin, really. generally, the unnatural or threatening thing is destroyed, as are all involved in its creation- but such an action isnt always necessary, and in this case it hadnt been. (and jack killed several that merlin cared for, but he would have had to have done that anyways, and besides, the wizard didnt mention them by name)

but merlin was true to his word, and upon his death, the great bulk of magic he had acquired over his many years was put to work powering a very complicated spell. essentially, roughly every 30 years, jack can possess a human body for about 3 or 4 months. (the times are kinda arbitrary, they can be changed if you guys feel they are too long or short or whatever. in my head the spell also is tied to jack’s own energy, so staying four months instead of three would potentially weaken him). the body must be human and must be living at the time he inhabits it. he cannot wield his powers to their full extent while a human, as his true form cannot possibly fit inside such a tiny thing, but he can fully experience everything the human body does. if he wishes to wield his powers, he must completely leave the body, though he can return to it when finished with his business. he can also use different bodies if he wishes- that’s how he ‘traveled’ in his early exploration days.

jack very much enjoyed having a human body- the novelty! the fun! but honestly he wasn’t super regular about it. sometime in maybe the 1400′s he was summoned by the young vampire he would eventually take the name Matt. matt requested that his youngest sister be spared, as her magic was uninvolved in the debacle. jack was impressed by this- not that matt had advocated for someone else, but that matt had had the guts to ask /anyone/ to be spared. matt’s people were up to some truly high-level apocalypse shit, and by all rights he would have been perfectly justified to just carve their entire territory out of the south american landmass and completely disintegrate the whole thing

but anyways. he spared them both. and checked in on them sometime later during one of his human escapades. and then kept checking in on them. he is NOT sentimental, it’s just practical, is his refrain. finding a human lover that he enjoys as much as Matt would take WORK, and they’d be weirded out by him reappearing in thirty years in a different body, and they die so often! really. he’s fond of Matt, sure. But he isn’t attached to him or anything. Dont be silly.

as i’ve mentioned, Jack can be ‘summoned’- In fact, he pretty much has to be. but ‘summon’ is a very loose term for it- the mental anguish of realizing you’ve fucked up so badly that the entire world might be in danger tends to count. way, way, way back in the day there were more formal ‘rituals’ that could be used to bring forth a visual analog of his true form for mortals to interact with, but merlin was the last to use one, and jack has destroyed any remaining instructions (that he was aware of)

unfortunately, this means that Jack can be tricked. if absolutely no one involved in a project that threatens the natural order has any inkling of the damage their activities could create, or has no feelings of regret associated with that inkling- the world could potentially end with jack being none the wiser. i imagine there are also magical protections that could be used to prevent jack from interfering if one was aware of his presence, though he has yet to come across such things and probably believes that no one could really create something that would keep HIM out of where he wanted to be

jack is also limited in what he can fix. it has to be something that is truly a threat to the natural order AND it can’t be something that the lowest form of sentience can do anything about. (this is a rule that he has justified himself down on over the ages to reach the current stage it is at, and unfortunately he cant seem to get it any lower. not that he WANTS to help, of course.)

these days he often visits suspicious folk in dreams to suss out the situation- less likely to cause a panic, and in the morning they barely remember. he appeared to a very distraught member of the Manhattan Project in a recent near-interference. and he was totally on board with making sure this thing completely stopped existing but then. the damn fool said something about their fears that the bombs would be used and... well. its not an active threat if someone just has to NOT do something, is it? and a human someone, too! and so jack told the scientist that this was something the politicians were responsible for stopping. (technically, jack already KNEW this- he cannot really be lied to, exactly. but he cannot actively know everything all at once, and intent of things is often what determines whether or not jack can act.) jack’s refusal to help- even after the bombs had been deployed and there was nothing humans or supernatural beings could do to stop them- was the source of the biggest fight jack and matt have had to date. it was also the point where matt began to realize that jack IS dangerous, and he began sharing information about jack with maria in an attempt to better understand his limits and abilities

Jack is not inherently dangerous to the average person. In his human form, supernatural beings that can ‘read’ others- by scent, auras, telepathy- will know he is wearing a borrowed body. Those more familiar with planes of existence may be aware that there is more of him hiding somewhere, just out of sight.

most alarmed by his presence (both his true form and when he’s tied to a human body) would be people and things that are in defiance of nature. the beast creature that Merlin had created, for instance, went rigid and frothed at the mouth when he appeared, in blind panic and fear

Jack’s involvement in taking care of Dr. Rawe and his subsequent invitation to the New Year’s Day party are part of an ongoing research project started by Maria that is being kicked at by Annabelle. Clearly, he is not impartial as he claims. And he uses his biases to work around his own rules. Annabelle believes that should be harnessed.

Matt’s suggestion that Jack take care of the Dr. Rawe problem probably went something like shown below. its also highly possible that jack was aware he was being ‘manipulated’ and allowed it- he is VERY keen to meet May and ‘the friends’, so.

M: boogeyman shouldnt be able to use magic should they?

J: no, not actively at least- just drawing stuff into their lairs. processing fear, creating nightmares. thats all instinctual stuff

j: why

m: oh nothing- well. i guess a wizard that had previously been absorbed by a boogey was taking control of it. being both

j: it... shouldnt. it couldnt.

m: well, it did. went around kidnapping other magic users, forcing an actual boogey out of its lair, ripping open portals and not properly repairing them... you look pained. this isnt your ‘sort of thing’ is it?

j: ehhh i mean. its only the one?

m: i think so? i mean i guess theres no way to know unless the thing could be inspected

j: ehhhh

m: you have to be asked, don’t you?

j: i dont HAVE to be anything-ed! i am free to act as i please

m: well im asking anyways- the things a menace, and its been targeting other oddities. im sure the endangerment of some of your other ‘keep an eye on’s would pull some strings out of the rug, yes?

j: ...

m: humans certainly cant take care of it. even i would have trouble disposing of it properly. much less permanently.

j: ...okay. throw that blanket on my body, i dont want it to be all cold when i get back to it. and itll only be like, ten minutes tops, so help me if youve put your pants back on by the time ive returned

#st georges info

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