#alkenmayer

[simonalkenmayeris-still-dead]

(🎀) hey so your recent post made me curious so i looked on simons blog. the shit hes saying is so far out of line. "Religion is a plague. It WILL kill all of you eventually." <- great generalization there buddy, im sure you in all your nonhuman glory is immune to bias and generalizations and etc. he spouts of "you arent immune to propaganda" but says this shit. religion in of itself isnt the problem / core root of the problem idk how this author doesnt see that. seems very anti-theist cultural christian to me. thoughts?

We already know "Simon" is a Dawkins-esque anti-theist, but what I'm more interested in is this:

It amuses me to no end that you see objectivity as superiority.

Just the assumption that because he's not human, he must be objective. There's no reason that should be.

Like, idk how to explain that if you're alive you have biases. It's the core concept behind the age old question "If God is good, then why do bad things happen to good people?" The answer is simple; we think dying of a disease is bad, but the virus that caused the disease thinks it's good, and a perfectly good god can't choose humanity over all his/her/its other creations.

I'm not even religious and I can work that one out.

#alkenmayer #bias

[evie-the-mostly-human]

@simonalkenmayer has been gifted roller skates and is skating around their place with a glass of wine.

#save for later #evie #evies life #simon alkenmayer

[gentlesuburbia]

ok so my producer (@mayawagnermusic) and myself wrote a theme song for wax! hope u enjoy xx

@simonalkenmayer

#welcoming wax #simon alkenmayer #i wrote the lyrics #and then maya produced it #she also sang the chorus and parts of the bridge #i made the cover art lol #i hope u like it simon!!! #music #song

[metize]

Regular - Simon Alkenmayer x AFAB!Reader (NSFW)

Rating: Explicit

Relationship: Reader x Simon Alkenmayer

Tags: Cunnilingus, Human/Monster Romance, But Simon is pretty humanoid-like so idk, Reader doesn't know Simon is a cryptid, Cryptozoology, Vaginal Fingering, Multiple Orgasms, Friends to Lovers

Summary:

You sigh and stand on your tip toes trying to reach the box, you feel your fingertips brush against the cardboard material and you smile in victory. But you accidentally push it even further . Before you can even groan in annoyance you feel the looming figure of Simon step closer towering over you from behind.

“This one?” He asks, his voice sultry and low as he reaches for the box with ease. His body feels like marble against yours, hard and cold. You can’t help but wonder how he manages to stay cool in the summer, especially with all the dark clothing he wears. Hell, his skin looked like marble, his hand grabbing the rim of the box barely showed any red undertones. You can't help but admire the way his fingers stretch out, you can feel your heart beating faster as you watch his digits, long and slender, as he wraps them around the edge of the box. His grip is firm and sure, and you couldn't help but imagine what it would feel like to have those fingers wrapped around your throa- “Y/N?”

Shit.

or It's summer 1993, you work at an antique's shop and your favorite costumer, Simon Alkermayer, happens to stop by.

It's summer 1993. You're taking care of your antiques shop, but it's a slow day and you allow yourself to pop on your earbuds and turn on your walkman as you dust off some items. You look at the fan gently turning from left to right, ventilating the store just enough so you don’t die from heat exhaustion. You hum to the tune of the song, the melody distracting your mind from your boredom. Your cat, Spock, is resting peacefully on top of a nearby shelf. You hear the soft jingle of the bells on the door, announcing the presence of a customer.

“Good evening, welcome t-” You start saying but stop yourself when you turn to see who it is. “Oh! Hey Simon! It’s good to see you.”

The pale man gives you a slight smile and nods. “Hello, Y/N.”

Simon is something else entirely. He’s a regular, if there even is such a thing in an antique shop. You know most of the locals, it is a small town after all, but Simon isn’t really a local. You asked him before and he mentioned living pretty much in the middle of nowhere, your town is just the closest. He said he was a writer, so you assumed living in the middle of the woods was about getting inspiration or something.

You take off your earbuds, heading to the counter to look professional now that someone’s here. Especially when that someone is the mysterious, lanky, surprisingly charming guy you’ve been crushing over in the past few months.

“We’ve had some pretty sweet arrivals since the last time you were here!” You say excitedly, but are interrupted by your cat hissing at the man. “Spock! Behave, please, shoosh.” You shoosh the cat away and he promptly hides behind a random piece of furniture, still watching Simon from afar. “I’m so sorry, I really don’t get why he acts like this around you. Sometimes I think he’s just trying to embarrass me on purpose.” You sigh.

“No need to fret, I understand he’s just…” Simon crosses his arms side-eying the pet with a smirk “a tad territorial.”

“Anyways, new old stuff!” You point to a section you rearranged this morning. “Ah, the chinas! I found some cute tea sets from another antique shop that’s closing, they’re shop window worthy, I'm telling you. Ugh, I still need to get them in the back.” You keep talking without realizing, since Simon never interrupts you.

“Do you need assistance?”

You can’t help but smile, Simon is nothing short of a gentleman. You can see he has a very old soul, you see it in most people who come to your store, but in Simon it feels ten times stronger. It's interesting to watch, he will gaze at decades old items and look almost nostalgic in a way. Maybe he's really into history, you can relate in a way, you too project yourself onto your collection.

"You wouldn't mind? I don't want to take advantage of your kindness."

"It's no trouble at all, Y/N"

You're really excited to put those little teacups on display, Simon probably has no interest in them, they definitely don't fit his whole… aesthetic. But it's nice of him to help you with the boxes.

You keep talking about the stuff you got from the store that closed down, the man silently accompanying you and nodding along. He's a pretty good listener, always patient and you couldn't help but feel attracted to him.

"Sorry, when I start talking I really can't shut up.” You blush slightly in embarrassment, opening the door adorned with the sign ‘Employees only’.

“Please, I don’t mind it at all.” There’s reassurance in his voice and his words confort your anxieties enough as you enter the storage room and turn on the single flickering light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

“Now, where is that box…” You squint your eyes around the dimly lit room, checking the shelves stocking the articles you’ve yet to display in the store. “Ah there it is!” You smile but your happiness is short lived as you realize where the box was shelved. “The highest shelf in the storage room, of course that asshole put it there. He knows I can’t reach… ugh… sorry.” You sigh, apologizing for your unprofessionalism.

“Your coworker, I assume?” He makes an educated guess, he’s stumbled upon Jack before while visiting the shop. The guy is a manchild, he doesn’t care at all about the antique shop or the customers, he only got the job because he’s your boss’ nephew. You wouldn’t mind him too much if he wasn’t so inconsiderate, he always left things for you to clean up after his shift and never let you know if he was going to be late or couldn’t come. Jack had also made several advances on you before, not particularly tasteful comments about your appearance, and passive aggressive remarks when you turned him down. He also had very clear opinions on your mysterious regular, whenever he saw Simon leaving the shop he couldn’t wait to call the man a “freak” and a “weirdo”.

“Yeah. Ex-coworker, hopefully. He hasn’t been showing up to work lately, not answering calls from our boss either. He probably bailed and can’t be bothered to let any of us know.” You huff in annoyance and for a second you could swear you saw Simon smirk. You sigh and stand on your tip toes trying to reach the box, you feel your fingertips brush against the cardboard material and you smile in victory. But you accidentally push it even further . Before you can even groan in annoyance you feel the looming figure of Simon step closer towering over you from behind.

“This one?” He asks, his voice sultry and low as he reaches for the box with ease. His body feels like marble against yours, hard and cold. You can’t help but wonder how he manages to stay cool in the summer, especially with all the dark clothing he wears. Hell, his skin looked like marble, his hand grabbing the rim of the box barely showed any red undertones. You can't help but admire the way his fingers stretch out, you can feel your heart beating faster as you watch his digits, long and slender, as he wraps them around the edge of the box. His grip is firm and sure, and you can't help but imagine what it would feel like to have those fingers wrapped around your throa- “Y/N?”

Shit.

“Ah… S-Sorry I’m kinda out of it today, I had to cover the shifts Jack missed this week and I guess I’m just tired,” you came up with an excuse for your distraction, it wasn’t a bad one since it was very true.

“Oh, I see,” bless his heart he seemed legitimately concerned and.. you could sense guilt in his voice. He shouldn’t feel guilty, it was Jack’s fault, not his. “You should not have to overwork yourself…”

“It’s fine… really,” you shrug.

“It isn’t,” Simon’s voice turns dark as he turns you around by the shoulders and pins you against the wall of the storage room. You couldn’t even register his movements with how fast it happened. Your breath catches in your throat as you feel the hard surface of the wall pressing against your back, and the sudden weight of his body against yours. You don’t know what’s gotten into him, his eyes are dark and his gaze is intense. “I have… overlooked the stress my actions would put you under.”

“Your actions? Simon… I don’t understand-”

“You need not understand,” he interrupts you. He's not angry, he’s frustrated but not with you. “I will help you. Allow me to undo the damage,” his hand travels the curve of your jaw caressing your skin “Unless…I have misread the nature of our dynamic. If so, please, do not hesitate to speak up and tell me no.”

“I… You…” You can feel your face warm up at his words “N-no, you haven’t.” You admit, your words bring a smirk to his lips.

“Excellent,” Simon closes the distance between you, his lips are on yours before you have time to react. His mouth was demanding and soon his tongue was in your mouth, the kiss leaving you breathless as you felt arousal building inside you, an aching feeling between your legs.

—

“S-Simon… Fuck…” You were gasping his name in between moans, your hand ran through his jet black hair, your grip shaky. Simon was set on making you reach orgasm a third time, one for each shift you’d had to cover. The first was on his fingers and the second was on his mouth, you felt sensitive as the man’s tongue circled your clit. You whined at his assault and he chuckled, you felt his hot breath on your entrance and he used his thumb to caress your pussy, looking up at your flushed face.

“Such exquisite flavor… Had I only known sooner that you were this truly delectable, I would have made you mine long ago," his voice was dark and while his words sent shivers down your spine, you dearly missed his mouth on you. Your sentiment didn’t go unnoticed, he smirked at you as he watched you twitch with anticipation when his fingers teased your cunt.

“Please…” You decided a while ago you weren't too proud to beg, especially not when his mouth felt so good, and his tongue was so warm and skilled. It seemed Simon decided to have mercy on you, his mouth going back on your pussy.

His tongue probed into you while he drew lazy circles on your clit, you moaned softly from his ministrations, back pressed against the wall. You felt like you were hallucinating, for a second you could swear Simon’s tongue was reaching places far deeper than a human’s tongue could go, but the pleasure fogging your mind had no interest in lingering on that question, the sensation overwhelming your senses.

Two of his pale slender fingers entered you before he moved his mouth over to your clit. While one hand fingered you, the other pulled the skin over the tiny bud exposing it further to his insatiable lips. He was unrelenting now, his mouth sucking and playing with your clit and his fingers fucking you mercilessly.

You couldn’t keep his name out of your mouth as he devoured your cunt like a man starved. His fingers curled inside of you as he noticed you getting closer and closer to the edge, you could feel him smile against your flesh, his pace going faster as you repeated yourself over and over.

“Simon… Please… oh God… Fuck…” You cried out, before a final thrust of his fingers timed with the sweet sensation of him sucking on your clit made you tip over the edge. “Fuck!”

You threw your head back, the feeling overwhelming your senses and making you see stars. You felt Simon lap up your juices as you rode out the waves of your orgasm on his mouth.

“Uh… Whatever it is you did, you’re forgiven,” you joked nervously. Still really confused about this turn of events, but not about to complain.

Your words were promptly rewarded by a satisfied smirk from the man as he got up. He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear watching you catch your breath, oversensitive from his touch.

You looked good enough to eat. But what a waste it would be. "The pleasure was entirely mine," he assured you.

#x reader #simon alkenmayer #the creature's cookbook #simonalkenmayer #reader insert

[de-cryptid]

I do feel as though I've adequately explained both why Simon simply isn't real objectively and why such a distinction is important, which is why I don't really post on this blog anymore.

That being said, if there are things that Simon continues to post that are insensitive or otherwise spreading misinformation, I'd appreciate those of you who keep up with him to send them my way for permanent documentation.

#Simon Alkenmayer

[crypt-id]

Do you think the Simon Blackquill blog is also run by the same person?

Old Ask that I never got around to. No, I don’t… That blog is far too well-established and hardly ever joins the whole alkenmayer discourse. I think Blackquill just got mixed in because of the name, and occasionally has some fun with it.

#Ask #simon alkenmayer #the experiment

[simonalkenmayer]

If you ever do find the time or desire to, I really hope you come back to fanfic readings or giving your takes on different historical topics. They were always really nice to listen to while painting or cooking, and I miss them

And I hope you’re doing well, Mx. Alkenmayer

I hopefully will very soon. I’ve been building a recording area.

[mxbitters]

im too high to be thinking this hard about simon alkenmayer

#one would really REALLY think this would be one of those like.. tumblr deepdives or something #id say somebody should make one of those but like i feel kinda sick thinking about it too hard in general #it's just. such a strange experiment #and like in my little search thing i was doing #there was all this stuff. all this variety of horrific shit they wrote or whatever #but like . i cant even get through a paragraph or whatever #like if i read too much of that faq or whatever #i just feel genuinely sick. like. this 'experiment' #like.. i cant even talk about individual issues here because like. theres just the constant implication and context within every post #like 'yeah i eat people and you 'gentle readers' who are aware of me are the only ones who are off the menu' #like . girl you do this and insist you Care Not For Petty Human Squabbles or whatever #and then say something antisemetic . like dont you fry human fingers and restore antiques. why are you taking time OUT OF YOUR DAY-- #and that's exactly it!!!!!!! what i just did!!!!! you can't even point out like actual fucking issues #because you gotta give the fucking cryptid legitimacy . like what the fuck am i supposed to do here #and like i'm paranoid . genuinely paranoid now for like . safety now #and dont get me started on the cop shit. fuckin grey light yagami or whatever the fuck #im thinking about this too hard but i need a deep dive and some genuine conversation and not on their terms lmao

[barelyactive92]

It’s pretty blatantly obvious that Simon alkenmayer is a very badly written rp blog, but it can be pretty funny to mess with them sometimes

[feste-the-jester]

I just need to point out that accusing someone of things like abuse, grooming, behaving inappropriately towards minors etc IS defamation.

Specifically I would like to point the Fool and his followers to the definition of Defamation Per Se:

Traditionally, there have been four general categories of untrue statements presumed to be harmful to one's reputation and therefore actionable as an injury claim. Typically, if the statements don't fall into one of these categories, the plaintiff is required to prove their damages. If it does fall into one of these categories, damages are usually presumed.

The four general categories are:

Indications that a person was involved in criminal activity

Indications that a person had a "loathsome," contagious or infectious disease

Indications that a person was unchaste or engaged in sexual misconduct

Indications that a person was involved in behavior incompatible with the proper conduct of his business, trade or profession

For example, in an Alaska Supreme Court case a woman accused a man of assault, battery, and false imprisonment, and he brought a claim against her for defamation. The court explained that because the statements imputed a serious crime, the man was not required to prove the damage to his reputation and emotional distress. As a result, his award was affirmed.

As well as something called the False Light tort.

False light is one of several torts under the category of invasion of privacy where a defendant is accused of spreading falsehoods about a plaintiff that would be considered objectionable by the average person. False light is a privacy tort that is similar to defamation. The tort of false light allows individuals and businesses the right to protect themselves against the public dissemination of information, which puts them in a “false light.”

Publishing claims like the following, which are referring to Simon the Author (and not Simon the character) using anonymous sources without verifying them (or even being able to prove they are more than one person) is defamatory to the character of the author.

Publishing them on a blog that also contains more than 40 separate claims that Kristina Meister is the author of Simon Alkenmayer, is defamatory to Kristina Meister.

Not to mention ethically questionable and dangerous.

#simon alkenmayer #simon alkenmayer is dead #defamation #how is this not clear?

[solarpire]

Can we PLEASE stop reblogging shit from simon alkenmayer. Please

TW: LOTS OF ABLEISM

If you don't know this account(@/simonalkenmayer), they have this whole gimmick about being a real cryptid, and its a social experiment or something to see whether you believe them or not. I really could not care less, but a lot of people do care, so they've gathered a decent following.

That is not the point of this. The POINT, is that they are disgustingly ableist towards people with NPD, and occasionally DID, and I've heard mention of them being antisemitic, transphobic, and possibly even grooming people. I don't follow them closely enough or know enough to speak on the last three however, you can look through the simon alkenmayer tag if you'd like to see those points talked about further. But the way they talk about people with NPD and mention "narcissistic abuse" and the frequency they do it it's hard not to see how shitty they are about it.

^ a link to the post if you'd like to read it yourself. this is only the most recent instance of it (and you can try to search for more but they tag nothing. the easiest way to find more is to scroll back).

they do not have a doctorate, but they still feel the need to give people their medical opinion on psychological shit, whether they directly ask for it or the person only mentions a possible disorder or problem in what they're talking to them about. I believe somewhere in the simon alkenmayer tag you can find screenshots of a post where one of their followers asked them something about whether they believed that nonhuman/demon alters in systems are actually nonhuman or just humans convincing themselves they're something else as a coping mechanism, and mentioned that they themself were a demon alter. simon responded to them by comparing demons to racist and antisemitic stereotypes for "their species", and told the person in the ask to find a therapist who will help them "put the two halves back together", going on to tell them their goal should be to assimilate all their alters. again, no medical degree, and the person Did Not Ask for that advice.

and no matter what criticism they receive they always paint themselves as the level headed victim, and the criticism as being ridiculous. they do this for things as small as someone asking them if they'd be willing to put tldrs at the end of long posts since they have trouble reading big blocks of text but still enjoy their blog (told them that if they cant read it they obviously dont care enough)

tldr; best case scenario, they're someone who is wildly uneducated enough to form some of the opinions they have, with no ability to handle being told they're wrong, and enough of a following to keep them bold enough to keep posting this shit and influencing others.

they almost never even make popular posts, but I've seen their comments at the end of popular posts getting more and more common. just please stop giving them attention, reblog it from the person before them if you can. and please, share this info with others if possible, reblogging this would be really helpful

#simon alkenmayer #ableism tw #discourse #I've just seen them popping up more and more recently and its rlly starting to concern me

[simonalkenmayeris-still-dead]

Cannot believe it only took the Arab/Israeli conflict heating up again for Simon to out himself... again.

#alkenmayer #i guess this is where we are

[evie-the-mostly-human]

Some out of context conversation from simons house this evening:

“We should put the cheese away before bed.”

“Cheese?”

“floor cheese”

“Oh floor cheese”

#save for later #evie #evies life #simon alkenmayer

[chronicallyblogged]

Confronted Simon about NPD ableism bc I have that. I dont know what all else has gone down with him and I do NOT want to know.

Don't want to look at all of it? Basically he just pretended to have access to secret research that put him much more in the know but he couldn't show me bc experiment. So he's gonna keep talking about it. I'm a bit sick so apologies if I got repetitive or anything

Screenshots split between reblogs bc I'm not tech savvy. Sorry for making you look in the notes.

#simon alkenmayer

[metize]

god i hope i don't get canceled for writing the Simon Alkenmayer pwp, I didn't know there was so much drama around them.

What am I saying, I wrote Vulpes smut, that's way worse.

[de-cryptid]

this is a very telling statement:

Why anyone would find the scourge of their kind “comforting” is beyond me.

As someone purporting to study fiction, this is a naive and ridiculous thing to say. Monsters are a comfort, they are something to blame, something to reassure us of our inherent opposition to "evil" in whatever form we've decided it takes today, something to teach us to stick to the straight-and-narrow.

The asker on this post made a very important observation that Simon's author repeatedly brushes off, which is that most myths (if not all) are intentionally created with a set purpose and not based on a genuine sighting or encounter. Simon doesn't really seem to like discussing myths in this context because it doesn't work well with the roleplay of being "the thing all humanoid myths are based on", but if I were a creature that actually inspired those mythos, that information would be incredibly valuable to my understanding of both humanity and myself.

It's just not as fun and self-bolstering.

#simon alkenmayer