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eighthxjune · 4 years

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aixa writes black people + love #2 community: A “World” Still Necessary

It was 1987 when A Different World premiered. I was young, like not yet double digits, young. Every Thursday night, at 8:30, my mom, dad, sister, brother and I gathered around the TV, belting out the show’s theme song by Phoebe Snow in season one, Aretha Franklin in seasons two through five, and Boyz II Men in its final episodes. Those lyrics were soon my alma mater:

I know my parents loved me Stand behind me come what may I know now that I’m ready For I finally heard them say

It’s a different woorrrrrld than where ya come from

Hillman College was a pinnacle place for me. It personified cultural identity, and as someone who grew up in a predominantly white suburban town, the only Black pupil until high school, it was majestic and I wanted to be there. Hillman displayed the cool factor our culture exudes so effortlessly; highlighting our style, dialect, posture, passion, and purpose from every region of the country, the continent of Africa and the Caribbean. This “world”, was different than where I came from, and it was beautiful. It gave me hope that a place - outside of my own home - supportive, caring and nurturing existed.

I saw Black teachers champion students who didn’t see their own unique potential, and dorm directors give sage advice. Witnessed roommates with nothing in common become best friends, and confidants. I got hyped, and danced when adamant voices rallied together until a donor ceased support of South Africa’s apartheid. And understood what loyalty looked like when a friend rescued his homegirl from what nearly turned into a date rape. I cheered on two Black men fighting the weapon of racial injustice brought upon by a rival school, and marveled in a student reclaiming the image of Aunt Jemima, realizing her imperial complexion was to be treasured. I observed discoveries, rejections, failed attempts, triumphs and losses, and empathized as if they were my own, because honestly they were. Hillman was a community, a Black community, our community, an extension of who I was, who I am. At such a young age, it was introducing me to myself. This “different world” was a reflection of my desires and dreams. It was an aspirational exhibit of Black successes - a rarity shown in media. Hillman was a place that encouraged you to stretch your capacity of thought and understanding. It valued unlearning stifled ways of thinking, to learning expansively and with zeal.

Debbie Allen, an HBCU alum of Howard University, and the show's brilliant producer, as of season two, understood the importance of telling Black stories with all of their complexities. She used television as a tool to address what was most difficult and challenging about us. “If we’re not doing that, we’re not doing a good job.” She expressed to Netflix’s Strong Black Legends. When brought on board she excitedly wrote a storyline for character Denise Huxtable (Lisa Bonet), who, at the time, was pregnant in real life. She thought it would be great to present the experience of a young Black student from an upper middle class family, not married, about to embark on motherhood. Though the idea got nixed by the show’s creator, Bill Cosby - who didn’t approve of Denise being pregnant in college - I wonder what her story would have developed into as a student mother, a credible notion, and one I’m certain would have advanced her role.

See, at Hillman, students strived to be the best versions of themselves, and looked forward to reciprocating care to those who raised them. But, even more vital, they knew their obligation to boost those who were succeeding them. They cherished their Blackness and its power.

The hub of the campus was The Pit - the school’s eatery that made an appearance in practically every episode. It was where students solely exhaled after a day of grueling classes and friends merged to catch up on the latest of tales. Conversations flowed candidly at this hangout and with comedic flair. Everyone passed through the beloved grumpy owner, Mr Gaines’ (Lou Myers) spot. Even my forever heartthrob, Tupac, made a stunning guest appearance as Piccolo, an old flame from Baltimore coming to put claims on his childhood love, Lena James (Jada Pinkett Smith).

Relationships played a significant part in character maturation at Hillman, and the love story that tugged at my heartstrings was Whitley and Dewayne, performed by Jasmine Guy and Kadeem Hardison. Cleverly laced throughout the show’s entire series, we journeyed with a high maintenance southern debutante from Richmond, VA and a Brooklyn native in J’s and flip-up glasses, who got a perfect score on his math SATs. Allen took us on an exciting ride while these two people - growing individually - were also hesitantly falling in love with each other. It was the ingenious love story I needed, and subconsciously yearned for, even if I were only in the fifth grade. How could I not gush over this attainable fairytale that spoke my love language. I kept twinkling at the idea that, ‘In just a few years, this college life will be a reality for me.’

Although Hillman College was a fictional place, its impact tripled enrollment of Historically Black Colleges and Universities. As you may have gathered by now, A Different World ignited my love for HBCUs, and then began my search in finding one most suitable for me; a place that served as a home and fostered my voice, since it was currently muffled, allowing others - who didn’t look like me - to feel comfortable in the presence of my Black skin. By the time I got to high school I attended the Black College Tour, twice. Not because I was having trouble finding a good school, but really I was in awe of the noteworthy offerings provided at these historically Black schools. The curriculums were impressive, the faculty resembled me, and the alumni were groundbreakers. I was visiting institutions that are irreplaceable. There was so much to learn about myself, and it was to happen in this next phase. During my visits, I watched students purposefully carry themselves across campus, greet friends with hugs and daps, expressively admire each other’s gear and hairstyles, pause on building steps to continue debatable class discussions, only to be interrupted by an eye-catching smile. The exploration alone made my heart flutter, and shortly after I was back at home flexing in my new Black college apparel - showing off the schools I toured. By senior year of high school I decided to attend Howard University in Washington, D.C. and it was more than I imagined it to be; finding me in a way I didn’t think it could. It met me where I was and readied me to rule the world.

There have always been skeptics who find HBCUs to be limiting. But, honestly there isn’t a place that will “teach you how to love and know yourself” like one - a necessary move after centuries of oppression; especially as a Black woman who receives bare minimum support when it comes to this country’s level of respect. These institutions encourage you to go inward and prepare yourself for life ahead, beyond Black communities. On the backs of scarred ancestors, almost 200 years ago, HBCUs were created, reshaping American history. Literally built by their hands, these Black forebears constructed a place to acquire a well desired education, and for once, as a majority, marked a setting where Black issues could be discussed. Despite what history instilled upon us, Black people were thriving and these HBCUs had a strong hand in making sure of that.

Howard University is a big part of my DNA, a connection made due to A Different World. It’s not easy expressing to those who have never attended an HBCU how magical those four years were, and how much rich history is seeped in the campus soil. However, the show is the best demonstration; restoring a feeling that will always remain in my heart, reminding me of friendships built that reside at my core. I graduated from Howard years ago, started a career in New York and since moved to Los Angeles to begin a new chapter. But every autumn, when I can, I race back to celebrate Howard’s homecoming, in high hopes of reliving just a taste of some of the greatest years of my life. It's never quite the same, but I don’t expect it ever will be.

A Different World came to an “end of the road” in 1993, and now I stream its episodes to emotionally reconnect with a missed experience; watching amusingly as if I hadn’t seen each one several times already. Because I still yearn to explore a “world” that inspires me to reach for more of myself, and a Black love story that provides hope. And though this “world” may be different, I know, I’m not alone.

Take care of yourself.

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eighthxjune · 4 years

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aixa writes black people + love #1 marriage: What are we subscribing to?

A couple years ago I caught up with a friend days before his wedding. We chatted about our families, friends, the nearly ending summer and the marriage he was about to embark on, specifically why he didn’t believe in it. The construct of marriage wasn’t something he regarded as true - a sentiment he openly shared years prior, even to his then girlfriend. Though I respect his nonbelief, I didn’t understand how someone who feels that way would propose marriage at all. “Because that’s what she wants.” He insisted. A thirty something year old Black man, who grew up in a two parent household and doesn’t think two people could be monogamous, was about to walk down the aisle and promise ‘til death’ to a woman who holds opposite views about matrimony. So, what exactly is the basis of this foundation? Because appeasing her want to get married won’t anchor ‘for better or for worse’. Especially when her views don’t reflect his. Whose vows are actually being honored here? And moreover, why has society placed so much pressure on us to say “I do”?

For years we have all watched marriages grow together, fall apart, make unbelievable sacrifices, fail miserably sometimes disturbingly, and if we’re completely honest with ourselves, very few of them - possibly less than that - pose as a desired goal. And I’m talking about the relationships we actually know, not the ones curated on social pages.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually would like to get married, well at least I wholeheartedly used to. In these four chambers right here lives a blissful fantasy, to be swept off my feet, by a knight in shining armor whose self-assurance brings forth mental, emotional and physical stimulation. But, when it comes to relationships I question whether it’s important to have a marriage or companionship. Is a legal union even necessary if you have a committed companion?

Until the 16th century there was no Christian sacrament of marriage. Saturninus, St Bernard, St Paul even Jesus damned marriage altogether.(1) One of them claimed it perpetuated the deviltry of women, being able to dominate men through the magic of sex. When marriage did gain acceptance by the Christian church, the first rule - invented by men - insured monogamy. An inferior move because men were considered powerless without a woman. Prior to, in matriarchal societies, women were free to change lovers or husbands, but men weren’t into the loose and flexible arrangements favored by Goddesses. There was this intense fear of women, and many men believed they should seize every possible advantage in forcing wives to be faithful.(1)

So, the Anglo-Saxons created the original vows stating that the bride, not groom, be “bonny and buxom” meaning meek and obedient. As a rule, women were driven into marriage by social pressures that made spinsterhood less attractive economically. Patriarchal laws took property out of women’s hands and placed it in the hands of men. Unmarried women became as helpless to support themselves as wives were.(1)

Yes, women, we are that powerful, and the assumption that men and women weren’t viewed equally is still a battle today.

My parents have been married a little over 40 years, and they’re a remarkable team when you think of a partnership. My father, the provider knows how to build and maintain a sturdy house, and my mother, the nurturer can turn any house into a home. They love, and ride hard for each other, always making family a priority, creating a happy and healthy home. And if that’s what today’s marriage is all about, they win, ten toes down. However, I sometimes wonder how much of who they are individually has gotten pushed aside, ignored, neglected in order to care for their family. They were raised like most old school Black American families: go to school - get a job - get married - buy a home - raise a family, raise them in church if you want them to be favored, and that’s it, that’s life. Sounds good, right? A solid and durable foundation to support others. Yet, the tale I live in looks forward to a whirlwind of romance - one that makes me feel like I’m dancing among the clouds, one that could be the title of an Anita Baker track. Otherwise, I’m honestly okay courting life joyously alone. And much rather if my happiness is compromised.

My friend’s nonbelief in marriage isn’t rare. As a matter of fact, we all recently became more acquainted with the term “entanglement”, when Jada Pinkett Smith described a relationship she had outside her marriage, and how something as such can arise when you’re seeking yourself. If we actually lived life as our truest selves, in pursuit of our own happily ever after, we would be happier or simply just happy.

I’m certainly not against marriage, as a formal recognition, but I also don’t think it’s for everyone, and shouldn’t be held as a societal standard. It’s a very intimate commitment between two people. Yet, my hope is that if you do decide to find yourself in a relationship, arrive intact, not relying on someone to fill a void, heal your trauma or mask the part of yourself you don’t like. Be honest about what it is you value and what you can offer in a companionship. Stay true to your wants and needs, because your truest self is where your power lies.

Take care of yourself.

(1) The Woman’s Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets by Barbara G. Walker

#aixawrites #black people #love #marriage #entanglement #barbara g walker #black writers #black authors #writer #women #men #relationships #self care #jada pinkett smith #intimacy #couple

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