#actually more like stressful weeks/months/years

[bixbiboom]

So. Life update.

Today (technically yesterday now) was the first day of my final year of my fourth decade. Happy birthday to me.

I take my duties (even self-assigned ones) way, way too seriously, and running this blog was killing me. Literally. I was given doctor’s orders to cut back on social media (actually she wanted me to cut out social media, but we compromised), and a very beloved friend actually paid me to take the month off. So I did. I turned off all my social media notifications, unfollowed a lot of ppl, muted a bunch of servers, and told my source suppliers I was going on hiatus.

Since the beginning of May, my daily average time actually using my phone has gone from over 17 hours to just seven hours, my blood pressure has gone from the 150s/90s range to the 130s/70s range, and I’ve stopped having nightly nightmares and daily coughing fits. I’m also walking 19% more than I did last month, and every doc appt shows I’ve lost more weight since the last one. I’ve also started writing again for the first time in months, and I’ve churned out over 10k words this month.

So I’m cutting way, way back on the CR content. Still a critter, still watching every week, ask box is still open for chatting, you can tag me in on questions if you want. I’m still actively participating in the fandom and keeping up with the goings-on. But I’m not referring to myself as a source blog anymore. Back to a mixed bag of whatever grabs my fancy, like a normal human person, while I try to become one of those again.

In other news, I’m getting a new kitten at the end of next month! A friend rescued a pregnant cat and I’ll be taking one of the litter when they’re old enough to leave their mama.

I don’t know which one I’ll be picking yet (I haven’t actually met them in person, mama’s a nervous kitty and still settling in to her new home and I don’t want to stress her out by showing up out of nowhere and handling her babies), but odds are good it’ll be one of the torties.

If anyone is so inclined, I’ve got »an Amazon wish list« for supplies for both the new kitten and a few things for my older cats, and »my ko-fi jar« is always around. (Also I’m down for suggestions for things the list is missing; my youngest cat is 11 years old, I’ve been out of the kitten game for a while.)

Love you guys, see you on Thursday!

#blogkeeping

[midnightrings]

it's been a stressful day but I finally got my master's degree! :D

#actually more like stressful weeks/months/years #but i'm happy #got a good grade too #tho i'm honestly just glad i finally finished this #hate that it's just a random thursday and i can't celebrate properly #but i don't mind drinking by myself so i'll probably open a bottle of wine and spend my evening/night on tumblr or writing fics^^

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[pl4n]

from a while back

#my art #rare colored drawings #even if its just flats #i feel like ill only ever post art if i want to rant in the tags LOL its awesome #sometimes theres just those kinda vague thoughts and feelings that feel a little pointless to actually talk to people about yk #its nice having a lil blog to throw stuff into :) journaling i guess #i dunno i feel stressed thinking abt juggling all the different life things. its smth i see expressed a lot and yeah. literally how #i kinda think hmm i should slowly incorporate things one by one. but then its like damn life just flies tf by and youve done jack shit #but then when im actually doing things i feel like things just keep piling up and idk how long i can sustain it until it all falls down #i guess this anxiety kinda comes from having had really poor mental health during my school yrs... maybe i still do but ahh #i just wonder when the next time that everything comes crashing is gonna be yk. it feels so inevitable but the stakes only get higher #so i dunno. ive been having a hard time sleeping from anxiety.. which gives me more anxiety... which gives me even more anxiety #im supposed to be cramming these tasks into these little pockets of time but i blink and a day is gone and then a week and a month.. a year #i want to do the things i have to do but also the things i want to do. but also REST #and ik that the balance between those things is extremely necessary.. bc losing that balance is exactly how shit hits the fan #hows anyone gonna manage that? #but i guess learning to do that is what life is all about.... lmfaooooooooooooooo #time keeps slipping man i hate it #ill keep trying tho ✌️ all i can do

[writhe]

my whole body hurts SO BAD

#my back hurts pretty bad. i can tune it out a little but not ignore it. i think this is making the rest of my spine really tense? and #shoulders too? and i’ve also been getting headaches almost every day #im still a little sick but it’s probably just gonna linger until i can rest which can’t happen for a few more days (i say this like #every week though no?) #hands and wrists are like. bad worse than usual #like both numb and painful and it’s taking a lot more focus to do things nimbly or not stop stuff #*drop stuff #ankles have kinda been sore i think just from walking so much which is manageable #but it’s hard with everything else rn. also i think i kinda pulled something yesterday because i almost hit it onto the concrete while #almost BIT IT not hit #walking at night #felt like a pull? but it was painless but then i ran across the street and a numbness shot up my leg #and it’s a little tingly today #i think i need to build some more core strength honestly #and get enough sleep more than one night per week #also probably more stretches for hands and wrists #ideally i’d also love to not be enormously stressed but i do not see this happening! #im actually less stressed this week but i think the months and months if not years have done their damage #also getting beat up for fun. which i think is objectively funny to layer over all this but yknow. i think that detracts from my overall #stress & doesn’t contribute to bad exhausting pain #(-:<

[arcaneyouth]

it is So Weird how working on my comic makes me feel like i have more free time. and gives me more free time. logically, working on 3 comic pages a week would mean i have Less Time. but no. despite everything, i'm getting more done and able to use my time better now that i'm working on comic pages again. what the hell is up with that.

#it's probably the structure and routine tbh i've been doing this for 6 years #i feel way less stressed about all the stuff i have to do than the 2 months i wasn't working on the comic #and arguably i have more to do now!!!!! #there's just so many little things that working on my comic helps me with. vital part of my daily and weekly structure #1) gives me a Main Goal to focus on every week and it's a goal that i know is achievable #2) gives me things to do almost every day that i am able to get started on right away and then will have free time later when i'm done #3) on days i'm not working on it i feel more comfortable doing things for fun or completing smaller tasks #4) because it's a weekly schedule i actually know what day it is now. completely lost track of the days before. made me really scared tbh #5) actually allows me to relax. the way i make pages means it's a lil bit mindless half the time. which is nice #i spent most of the last 2 months when i wasn't making comic in bed. because i had nothing else to do #now i am not doing that! because even when i'm not working on pages i have the motivation to do things! #this is an ironic post to make when i've spent like 6-7 hours today just playing fathomverse #but that's the thing!!!! instead of hating myself for doing that i still feel like i can get shit done! #also i already knew all this about making comics and how i function but. man idk how to put this #i spent the last 2 months struggling to do fucking Anything #and it was after i was so sure i could handle taking a break from the comic #and it was after lots of people have told me i need to put the comic down and get a job #or do anything that isn't making a comic #i have been working on the comic again for 9 days. and already everything feels more manageable #i literally Need to have projects like this. if i dont i will lose my mind. nobody tell me i need to do other things with my life ever agai

[justinefrischmanngf]

i FUCKED this year UP . i should have been saving way way way more money than i was while i had my rent sorted for this year . fuck . anyway it's literally fine it's whatever i don't care i made my bed and i'm going to fucking lie in it .

#i'm so mad rn i've made a situation that is not good #AND TO BE FAIR it could be a lot worse but it is also not very good #girlies when they should've bit the bullet and got a second job months ago #i would've killed myself tbh like i have been so emotionally up and down this year that i def did not need that #but unless i get guaranteed like 20 hour weeks at my job next year which i fucking won't . i need to make sure i get a second #job ASAP when i get back from seeing my family and it's going to suck and it's going to be okay #saw something the other day that was like rent should not be more than 30% of your income and it's just like . at this point it's going to #be like 60% of my income and that's OK because i can make it work and i do have some savings but it's just like . well it's not ideal is it #i should've been this stressed about it so long ago #anyway whatever it's fine i know it'll be okay because i am nothing if not practical when i actually get down to it #like i know i can make it all work just fine it's just that it's going to be annoyingggggggg and hardddddddd

[tiredbiostudent]

august!

#got a new tent and I’m in love😭 #I’m going backpacking next week and I’m SO pumped even if it’s supposed to be thunderstorming the first two days 😩 lol #life update is that I’ve mostly just been trying to organize my life after being gone for work for like 3 months #and I’m practicing driving a lot bc my test is at the end of the month😭 it’s going better than I thought but still stressful #also going to college in the fall and still not sure how to feel about it LMAO #i think I’m just worried I’m not gonna make any friends the entire year and I’m gonna hate it and have the program be a waste of time #I’m sure it’ll be fine?🥴 #and I’m STILL contemplating about doing a masters shdhdhdg #bc ok I loved the job I had this summer and would happily do contract field bio jobs for the rest of my life but unfortunately it’s not very #stable and doesn’t pay super well so at some point I’m going to need to get a more formal job which I might need an MSc for :/ we’ll see #the idea of research and /being/ a grad student is so appealing but then I think about the actual work I’d have to do and it’s like um my #i always feel like shit in august and am so yugh because it’s friggen hot and there’s nothing to do and I have definitely been feeling that #(also because I miss work and being up north) #but I just scrolled through my ‘insp’ instagram saved posts and Pinterest board and am acc feeling good today hshdhdgxhd #like you know when you’re just excited about life 🥰✨ hehe #omg sorry for this I guess I just needed to dump my thoughts out onto the ground for everyone #mine

[fridayyy-13th]

siiiiiigh.

#friday chats #tw vent #(in the following tags that is.) #(so. scroll if you don't wanna read this i suppose.) #anyway. gotta love the overachieving honors student experience. #haven't slept well in over two fucking weeks. i'm so exhausted! it's 11:40 pm but i STILL have multiple assignments left to do!! #part of it is definitely my own fault; i'm the one who put so many difficult classes into my schedule this year #and i'm planning to go discuss dropping a class or two tomorrow actually #bc i've been struggling to do work because of the sheer stress of it all and i'd very much like to sleep for three fucking months #maybe more. perhaps six. maybe even a year. i'm so fucking tired #God. sorry. i don't like getting vent-y on my blog but i am currently At My Limit #i miss having free time dude!! i haven't been able to dedicate time to writing since summer ended!!! #hoping that dropping the class i wanna drop will help #it's not the worst one of the bunch but it looms over my shoulder and the subject matter is miserable #(it's economics. fucking hate it. i get why it's useful but the way we're learning it is so deeply draining. that's capitalism baby!!) #but anyway. gotta hop back to work now. :/ gonna log off for the night

[alcohol-eyes]

.

#2 whole weeks sobeR let’s talk abt it #this the longest I’ve gone without a crumb of weed in my system in 5 yrs and the second longest in 8 yrs #For a long long time I thought I was self medicating the adhd but turns out I was making it Significantly worse #I have an attention span now I can watch tv without scrolling on my phone or playing w fidget toys #My apartment has stayed perfectly clean for the past 2 wks #haven’t rly struggled with eating or sleeping routines are v important wit it tho #been relying heavily on safe foods I’ve eaten the same exact thing every day for 2 weeks but it’s fine #ashwagandha helps me not wanna peel my skin off in rage #time moves INSANELY slower when ur not h*gh every waking second of the day these have been the Longest 2 wks of my life #but also I have So Much more time to do things and SO much more energy to do the things #I thought being anxious and exhausted was just my constant state of being but turns out that was Also just the weed #The insane nightmares have been The hardest part but most of the time my dreams are just weird #Feeling emotions is weird I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years #I cry about good things I cry about beautiful things art as a whole is just so moving #self regulating after stressful things like work or staying with my parents is definitely New as w as decompressing after socializing w ppl #I do things like paint and journal and make silly little bracelets now #Idk man it just hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be #A few months ago me and ******** were talking about how we’d actually k word ourselves without it #turns out the jazz cabb was making my depression and anxiety so much worse than it actually is #shits literally fine #Anyways don’t let ppl tell u u can’t develop an unhealthy relationship w weed I was h*gh every waking second of my day for 5 yrs #Last time I tried this I immediately became an alcoholic instead this time I don’t even feel the desire to have a single little drink #Overall I have A Lot more self control in every single area of my life #I don’t waste my money on dumb shit I can eat normal amount of food like a normal person #The thought of buying my favorite cookies and only having like Two of them used to be such an unreasonable concept to my little brain #I don’t know if this is gonna be a permanent thing I definitely know I can’t do it habitually #just like I learned I can be normal about alcohol if I don’t keep it in my house and only do it when socializing for special occasions #anyways if ur thinking about taking a break from ur favorite substance maybe give it a try #thx for coming 2 my ted talk if u read the whole thing I luv u take care of urself

[skrunksthatwunk]

im finally going to replay y0...

#it's been a little over 2 years #and ive never replayed any of the games before so im very interested in what this is gonna be like #i just played them slowly and in order + lad ishin at the end #i kinda wanted to do the judgments first but uh. they're never on sale <3 #someday though #ugh im nervous though #not about this but like. ok real ones will remember that a couple of months ago i mentioned i finally asked my mom for like. mental health #assistance that wasnt her telling me to stop spiralling. the two appointments we could do were like. next week or october #i technically have enough time to get my shit together but ive also like. never talked to an actual doctor about this stuff before #and she kept asking me if i could be more specific than 'general longterm mental health issues' (and anxiety which she added) #but like. i dont wanna tell her Shit about that yknow #especially not like. just woken up at 2pm no preparation #also she added anxiety on her own. so you KNEW it was an issue and you didn't fucking do anything about it? at all?? #truthfully i don't think it's nearly as big of an issue as before. i get stressed about stuff sure but it's pretty circumstantial #like these days i dont have anxiety about much of anything because im not trying to decide my entire future between 8 hour days in the #bright lights and eye contact factory #girl you don't have any idea what we're getting into by doing this #anyway if i get an ocd diagnosis that'll be the most awkward because that's the only one they actively joke about and that i've butted head #with them on. (i mean theyre also shit to npd/aspd ppl i just haven't chewed them out for it yet bc every time i do that i end up useless #for the rest of the day at least and i gotta pick my battles) #and idek what i wanna do about the Probably Autism going on man. i've been thinking about doing foster care/adoption for years now #when im older/if im ever financially stable. a diagnosis could basically nuke my options for that #but they'd NEVER believe a self diagnosis #whatever FUCK JT ITS YAKUZING TIME!!!!!!!!! #OH AND IT'S THE FIRST TIME DOING ONE ON LEGEND #which im nervous about bc i never really play stuff on anything but normal #so uh. 😬😬

[j-esbian]

i know it’s been said a thousand times but i’m real tired of fast fashion clothes made out of tissue paper

#ALL OF MY JEANS ARE WEARING OUT AT THE SAME TIME IM IN HELL #literally within the past week. two pairs have worn through in the knee and i ripped the crotch of a third pair #and in the last two months i’ve had to fix two more crotch holes and another knee #they’re probably like. 2-3 years old. still feel new imo #ship of theseus with my pants bc at this point my favorite pants have pocket extensions. two crotch patches. and both knees reinforced #knee holes are my least favorite bc patches look bad #idc about ~visible mending~ bc that’s always aestheticized #embroidery floss might look pretty for your tiktoks but it’s not strong enough for a high stress patch like that #and i don’t have the patience or desire to go back over the structurally sound patch just to make it look ~pretty~ #it just ruins the line of the garment. plain blue jeans are CLEAR and anything that draws attention to itself disrupts that #i want actual like. thick denim. impossible to find anymore #i bought a pair of jeans at old navy in like 2015 that i really liked. they just wore out at the knees last summer so i jortsed them #still rly nice and sturdy fabric #two of the pairs i’m complaining about now are also from old navy but like. 2019-2020 #NOTICEABLY different quality. NOTICEABLY thinner fabric #should probably just pony up and pay for some levis at this point #with my luck they’re doing the same thing tho :loam: #mine

[starbuck]

you know, i was trying to figure out why my brain is going so haywire all of a sudden and i realized it’s prooooooobably because it’s about a year since All That went down which like. Yes, perhaps that WAS a tiny bit traumatizing, come to think of it!!

#All That being my Pop-pop’s health decline and death #my mom is probably feeling it even more… she did a hell of a lot more than me #but yeah it affected me a LOT at the time and i was told that anniversaries were Bad… especially the first year… #but the ACTUAL date isn’t till December so i guess i wasn’t thinking in terms of the Whole Saga… #but yeah. that would be about now #so there’s this sense of stress and dread kind of hanging over me… like something terrible could happen at any moment #and this is a REALLY good explanation for that #and makes me fee better about being such a goddamn mess this past week #my executive dysfunction was SO bad today… #i actually got a decent amount accomplished… i’m being very hard on myself #but it was TOUGH to do… i really had to push whereas these past few months i’ve been HAPPY to do stuff #everything just feels so hard and i’m so sad all the time and i don’t want to be like this #but Yeah. #anyways - i think that’s the situation #so just a heads up… sorry if i’m a mess this next month or so #i’m hoping now that i’ve recognized the issue it’ll let up a little - but we shall see

[tiredsadpeach]

I think we’re at a stalemate after that text which tbh is better than I tweet and then he tweets about being annoyed

#and me and Lucy chatted when she fronted :) I was wrong about her age it’s 13 #for those not caught up she is said friend’s alter (one of many) and I think she’s the second youngest? I’m bad about forgetting their ages #I have work tomorrow so honestly I hope things are chill but then again work is now a good distraction #even if I have weird ass nightmares about it #it was so strange y’all like I was being held hostage to work there?? which doesn’t reflect how I feel about that place at all idk #anyway in happy news it’s me and my bf’s 2 months c: #he’s been busy setting up a Pokémon gym circuit hehe I’m learning more about competitive battling so I can be a challenger!! #there’s a gym leader for each type and then the elite four and a champion! he’s the ice gym leader c: #his team is really good hehe and I’m getting better! idk if I can beat his team for a while but I’ve gotten him down to 2 before so >:) #it’s very fun but he’s balancing that on top of college so I just hope he doesn’t get too stressed #he’s been having welding classes hehe I keep forgetting the exact name of his major but it’s a type of engineering I’m pretty sure #my memory is so weird man some things just never stick #anyway just wanted to give a last update of the day for those who are following this #I wonder if I’ll still be him and his bf’s friend in a weeks time lol #but yeah I sleep now thank you to everyone who has been sending their input it really means a lot #because it’s always hard for me to tell if I’m ever actually justified in my feelings ever since some real shitty ex friends #which this year will be six years free of them!! #hope everyone who sees this gets some great rest and has a great day/night

[noxtivagus]

damn it's been a while since i've been on tumblr

#🌙.rambles #hi >< #one of my cets is soon so i've been busy aaaa #after that tho ! gna get a lot more done #wna return here honestly #make a proper spam bcs i end up rambling too much on my twt priv oops n #hmmm. i've being doing better tho! esp compared to last year. kinda weird but i'm doing alright rn #only have like a week left. more like less than a week now bcs i'm gna rest on friday #saturday's my exam day. haven't had exams in a while. ever since the pandemic #haven't had to take any entrance exams for so long too bcs i've been in the same school ever since grade school #weird how in just a few months i'll be in my last year of high school #i'll make the most of it ! i'm v excited for college tho >.> #stressed tho abt the upcoming exam bcs for the past few months i haven't been properly reviewing #i understand n learn well but 🥹 still nervous honestly #i really want to get in. #n then growing older is just. yeah odd. i'm closer to being 17 than being 16 #16 has admittedly been rather uneventful n uh kinda 'sad' actually but #17 is too close to 18. i want to do a lot more before that time comes #i always wished that. yk when i'm older i'll still be close w ppl i grew up with. esp during my teen years #drifting apart from the person that used to be my best friend back then hurts. we're different people now. #n other stuff too w other ppl that i think i'll just have to keep a secret for eternity #i've been keeping to myself a lil too much lately. but i've been doing mostly well lately #just a bit emotional rn. it's nearly midnight #ah.. my family's asleep rn n i'll sleep soon too but. oh fuck having this moment finally to myself n being properly alone #makes me finally just. feel it all. n it hurts. it's really lonely.. w the exception of my family #it's really lonely but i'll never say that while the sun's up. i just. want to #cry in someone's arms? i love my family but i just.. want someone else right now. but no i'm fine. it'll be fine #i'll focus on myself. i have my family n i'll reconnect w some friends after the exam #i'll do my best n study. i really need to get in. i want to do this for myself. but if i don't get in then i'll eventually make my peace #with that too. n i'll play video games n read n write n go out. catch up on a lot of stuff. yeah

[theantiproduct]

.

#everytime i open this app it looks completely different #anyways heres a lil update rant tired blabbering tags post cause why nottttt #so my health is shit and i have about 300 test to get done and i honestly am so stressed out over this that i cant even function #and u know whats funny about it all is i originally went to the doc to maybe get diagnosed with adhd and i was which duh but thennnn #the funniest thing happened #took the meds and i was actually feeling a lot better and more productive! who knew thats an option but then my dic was like #we should do an ekg just to make sure youre good to take these #so obviously my hr was super high which let to more tests and more experts and haha i cant do this anymore its exhausting #so i cant take my adhd meds and i have an appointment every other day for the next month #oh and btw when i was feeling better for like a week or two i started dating again cause why not! do not have enough going on atm #met this guy been on a few dates but its nothing really i guess right cause i cant get myself to kiss him even tho i want to #cause im so scared of intimacy and so scared of being vulnerable so he's probably gonna ditch soon cause why wouldn't he and #what am i doing trying to date when i have these issues #i just want something good yknow im so tired and i just need like a good cuddle #im gonna be visiting my brother in January after 3 years of not seeing him and the kids but thats obviously stressing me out too #cause covid and planes and big sad but idk we'll see if it wont get cancelled like my last trip did #good rant ty tumblr for not shutting down yet #personal #update i have an autoimmune disease and 300 more tests to do and pills to take #fun to be me