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thebachelordiaries · 4 years

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Clare seeks HIMBO: ‘The Bachelorette’ cast first impressions

The Covid-19 pandemic has been rough for the entire world, but Bachelor Nation faced some dark days too. Going eight months without a single new episode from The Bachelor franchise is something I would really like to not relive.

Fortunately, those dark days are over. Clare’s season has me sucked back in.

The quality of this image is atrocious.

Most of these men—presuming they followed CDC’s social distancing guidelines— haven’t seen a woman in months, are touch deprived, possibly unemployed and contemplating moving back to their hometown while stalking the housing market on Zillow. Everyone’s desperate. That makes for some pretty good TV.

This season features men ranging from ages 26 to 41. We’ve got a boy band manager, a grooming specialist, several men who look like they masturbate in front of full length mirrors and even more who probably want me to join their MLM pyramid scheme.

I’ve never been more ready to roast a bunch of men who have nightmares about going bald. It’s all I’ve wanted to do since March.

Let’s go:

AJ, 28, Software sales

AJ is the kind of guy who writes “Looking for the Pam to my Jim <3″ on his Bumble profile. His bio is generic and probably not reflective of who he is as a person. If I were Clare I’d swipe left.

Ben, 29, Army ranger veteran

“Ben's favorite indulgence is an ice bath.“ Well then.

Alexa, play “Run” by AWOLNATION.

Bennett, 36, Wealth management consultant

Bennett’s profile is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen. This man says he is the total package but hasn’t always been "this successful and good looking.” But wait, there’s more: “According to Bennett, his high school girlfriend is the only girl he's ever had to work for.“

Can someone tell me what NYC neighborhood he lives in so I can blacklist it?

Blake M1, 31, Male grooming specialist

Blake’s just another stereotypical “29th round draft pick who sat on the bench of the practice team before getting cut, but claims he left the sport due to an injury on his own accord.”

Blake M2, 29, Wildlife manager

This Blake is an outdoorsy Canadian who seems pretty genuine and cool. Unfortunately, he has the face of someone who’d get sent home on night one. I hope I’m wrong.

Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent

Just another boring hot person. Nothing to see here.

Brendan, 30, Commercial roofer

Brandan, not to be confused for Brandon, “loves some good true crime, working out and hanging out with his friends.” I can’t even make fun of this man. We have the exact same interests.

Chasen, 31, IT account executive

The Winklevoss twins are actually triplets and Chasen is their long lost brother. But more seriously, have you ever seen someone who looks more like their name than this man?

Chris, 27, Landscape design salesman

“Chris hopes to find a woman who is sharp and witty but also easygoing.” Chris, sweetheart, have you met Clare? Easygoing...? There’s still time back out of this before it’s too late.

Dale, 31, Former pro football wide receiver

Dale aggressively screams “Bachelor material.” I’d say he’s auditioning for that role but Matt James already scooped it up. Better luck next year, Daley.

Demar, 26, Spin cycling instructor

Demar is a “very popular spin instructor in Scottsdale and says he can get on that bike and spin to any beat thrown his way.” Imagine how many trophy wives Demar has f*cked?

Eazy, 29, Sports marketing agent

Eazy is very similar to Dale on paper. Except his name is Eazy so he automatically loses that battle.

Ed, 33, Health care salesman

“Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” Ed deserves to die alone.

Garin, 34, Professor of Journalism

Garin’s bio is giving me hubby material vibes. And maybe a little bit of a “gets eliminated on night one” vibe too.

Ivan, 28, Aeronautical Engineer

Ivan, what are you doing here? We’re in a recession. Please go back to your normal job before it’s too late.

Jason, 31, Former pro football linemen

“He is a former NFL offensive lineman who, after suffering too many concussions on the field, decided to prioritize his health and change the direction of his life.” A big, brawny HIMBO with CTE? I feel like he’s Clare’s type.

Jay, 29, Fitness director

There are too many things about Jay that I dislike and I’m trying to keep this brief. Jay says “it's time to take a break from worrying about others and focus on himself instead.” I am willing to bet money that this man has never made a woman c*m.

Jeremy, 40, Banker

Jeremy is the oldest contestant ever to come on "The Bachelorette,” which may seem like a monuments accomplishment but he’s literally only one year older than Clare.

He also “hates Instagram models, both male and female,” so he should have a lot of fun here.

Joe, 36, Anesthesiologist

Before I even saw his profession and location, I thought Joe looked like a doctor I’d find on a NYC dating app...and...uh...I probably did see him on there now that I think about it.

Anyway, this man has apparently been through seven stages of hell while on the front lines fighting Covid-19 in NYC so I definitely think he deserves to find love. Someone marry him please.

Jordan C, 26, Software account executive

I can already tell Jordan is going to get the “I’m young but mature” edit which means he’s probably not going to be good TV.

Too bad someone a tad younger (like Tayshia) wasn’t the Bachelorette. I feel like they’d make a cute couple.

Jordan M., 30, Cyber security engineer

I was going to say something mean but Jordan’s into cyber security and I don’t want my blog to be deactivated, so never mind. Cast photos are historically bad so I’m sure he looks much better in real life.

Kenny, 39, Boy band manager

I could go for the obvious drags regarding this man’s profession (or his sh*tty chest tattoo, or his suspiciously boyish face relative to his age), but I like to think I’m more clever than that.

I’d like to take this time to talk about men, who are obviously difficult people, who rant and rave about how they want an “easygoing” woman. Look into the mirror, bud. No, not the one you use to jerk off to your reflection; the mirror that looks into your soul. Out of respect for the rest of humankind, have some self-awareness. Or maybe just see a therapist.

Mike, 38, Digital media advisor

Mike is seemingly a decent catch, but I can’t help but wonder why he’s still single or how he never (accidentally or on purpose) impregnated a woman in his 38 years of life.

And now that I’m thinking about it, do any of these men have children? I have yet to see any mention of it in their bios. But there are eight men left to review, so there’s still time.

Page, 37, Chef

I spoke too soon. Page is a father! He also hates football! I’m a fan of this man. I was initially going to drag him for his name and say that Page is not a real name. PAIGE is a real name. PAGE is a piece of paper. I’m allowed to say this because we have the same name except mine is spelled the correct way. Based on my (mostly positive) review of his cast bio, I have decided not to hold his name against him.

Riley, 30, Long Island City

Riley, once married with children, would like to go on a family vacation that consists of touring every single MLB stadium in the country. If i were his wife, I would simply never give this man children.

Robby, 30, Insurance broker

No more Robbys on The Bachelorette. Society has evolved past its need for more Robbys.

This Robby described his dream woman as: “Incredibly athletic and able to throw back a few beers with him after a day of hiking. She has a sweet personality and won't mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course.”

Someone please give this man a sex doll. He just wants a hole.

Tyler C., 27, Lawyer

“Tyler C. is a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and a cowboy by night.” How does that make him a lawyer? Does this mean he’s into cosplay? I’m confused.

Tyler S., 36, Music manager

Tyler makes an honorable living off riding his brother’s dick success as a country singer. “He just LOVES his job!” Uh yeah, I would too if I had a low-show, high-paying job off the merits of nepotism. It’s the American dream.

Yosef, 30, Medical device salesman

Another dad! He’s totally going to pull the “girl dad” narrative. That saying is kind of sexist to me but the masses generally eat it up, so I’m fairly confident Yosef will get the "sweet guy” edit he’s looking for.

Zac C., 36, Addiction specialist

“He loves Philadelphia sports and dreams of sharing a Philly Cheesesteak with his future wife while watching the Eagles win a Super Bowl.” This man is so South Jersey it hurts.

On a more serious note, I don’t think anyone in recent history has spoken openly about their personal struggle with addiction on this show, so I hope Zac gets a chance to tell his story.

Zach J., 37, Cleaning service owner

Zach is seemingly obsessed with Clare already and hopes to introduce her to his mom as his fiancée. Since Zach watched Clare on Juan Pablo’s season, you’d think he’d know that Clare would first meet his mom during the final four hometown dates. Assuming he makes it that far. My prediction is that he won’t.

Final thoughts

After eight long months Bachelor Mondays are back!!!

Uhh....wait.

Actually, we now have the less-exciting Bachelor Tuesdays. Yeah, it definitely doesn’t have the same ring to it. But I’ll take anything at this point.

Here are my final predictions:

First impression rose: Dale. It just looks like he can turn on the bullsh*t charm

Final rose: Jason. Clare wants a HIMBO I just know it.

Bachelor: nobody (Matt James is The Bachelor)

Most likely to get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise: Blake M2

Most likely to get canceled online: Bennett

Most likely to get sent home night one but deserve better: Chris

Who are your favorite men cast on this season?

#The Bachelorette #abc #clare crawley #chris harrison #photo credit: ABC

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sohannabarberaesque · 4 years

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“Underwater America with Peter Potamus” (episode 10: A diner somewhere in the Midwest)

In this particular episode of Underwater America with Peter Potamus, imagined as airing in first-run syndication in the 1970-71 season, we take a slight change of pace as we find our rolling dive party having breakfast at some small-town diner en route to the next dive destination in their travelling SCUBA party discussing what motivated each of its members to take up an interest in SCUBA diving and the attendant lifestyle and culture....

PETER POTAMUS, as Your Genial Host and leader of the whole: I bet you didn’t expect to find us here in some small-town diner having something of a decent breakfast before our next diving destination, which will be somewhere among the World-Renowned and Far-Famed Ten Thousand Lakes of Minnesota--

MILDEW WOLF, acting the heckler: MINNESOTA?! What kind of a dive destination is that exactly, even with those Ten Thousand Lakes?

PETER POTAMUS, trying to resurrect things: As a matter of fact, we plan to be doing some diving in a few of these legendary lakes of Minnesota, the Land of Sky-Blue Waters--uh, anyway, the purpose of this particular episode is so all of us in our crew could explain away how they got interested in the SCUBA experience and the attendant culture. As is apparently obvious by now, viewers, these dive sessions have become something of an interesting friendship display as we go through unlikely wrecks, discover interesting aquatic life--both fresh and salt water, mind you--and just enjoy the SCUBA experience.

Perhaps I’ll start by explaining how yours truly became something of a diving fan: You might say that hippopotami like myself are natural-born swimmers and divers, born basically underwater and learning rather quickly at that. In my own experience, I happened to have a rather wonderful father by the name of Perry Potamus, who had me join along on numerous expeditions of his in his Magic Balloon from the age of five. And naturally, many of these expeditions included some diving adventures that, by the age of eight, included some introduction into SCUBA, which seemed rather new and a novelty. And would you believe just how amazing the experience of SCUBA was at such a young age!

By the time I was 16, my father passed away from a Rare Tropical Illness he picked up somewhere in the Congo, and he left to me the Magic Balloon. It was about that same time I was encouraged, as a way to avoid getting too emotional over my father’s loss, to get into diving again. Which I did ... and managed to find a rather eclectic little dive club which made regular trips to Catalina Island, Hawaii and suchlike. And accepted me as a rather wonderful diving companion, even if a couple such were stunned at my prowess as a hippo! At least you have diving to fall back on between voyages with the Magic Balloon, which can get to be few and far between these days.

And which, in its way, can explain such a diving party as this. So, to keep it going, may I ask Hokey Wolf to explain his introduction to the underwater experience ...

HOKEY WOLF, in that usual Sgt. Bilko tone of his; you just can’t help his using it: Well, Peter, you might say that for me and Ding-a-Ling, my lupine companion from time to time, we were in Florida a few years ago (was it off Key Largo, perhaps?) and decided to try this snorkelling thing everybody was talking about over there ... and boy, WERE WE THRILLED AT THE EXPERIENCE! [Clearing his throat] And it would be on a return visit down that way a few years later that we got our first SCUBA lessons, Ding and myself ... you can certainly say that it took a couple of dives to get the serious hang of SCUBA, feeling oh so weightless and discovering much amazing life underwater! Ding especially!!

MAGILLA GORILLA, trying not to mess it up considering that he’s now free, by and large, from Peebles’ Pet Shop: My first encounter with SCUBA, you ask? It was a few weeks after that surfing escapade in Gremmie Gulch; I assume many of you recall it still ... and I acknowledge that I was influenced by way of some tacky diving adventure movie on The Late Show, even if I had to keep the volume down out of Mr. Peebles sleeping, you know ... and in fact, it was not too far from Gremmie Gulch that my experience with the old SCUBA got started, in a rather cheesy surf shop as dabbled in diving lessons and tours. Just “looking up the scene” more than anything, but boy, did I ever get stoked on the diving bug! It’s rather unusual to imagine a gorilla underwater in the old SCUBA getup, but when you get the feel of it--boy, does it become exciting!

BREEZLY BRUIN, trying not to look as obnoxious as back in Nome, Alaska: Once Camp Frostbite had been deactivated a few years back, I took to as much rummaging through Nome’s rubbish dumps until my buddy, Sneezly Seal, suggested I get back into the water. Even if it’s the Bering Sea, and the waters can get extremely chilly--even in the summer, where the sun doesn’t set until close to midnight. Turns out Nome has a group of local daredevils who call themselves a Coldwater Diving Club, and rely on drysuits all the more because of the chilly waters. For some reason, being appointed their mascot, you might say, got me some SCUBA lessons out of courtesy. And while I may nowadays be living rather close to Redondo Beach, I can’t help but feel passionate for diving every now and then!

LOOPY De LOOP: Perhaps the most unlikely sort of place to get acquainted with SCUBA, you might say, is off the Gaspe Peninsula back in Quebec; you’ve got the St. Lawrence River meeting the Atlantic, encountering some mild ocean waters off the northern part of the Gaspesie which locals call “le Chaleur.” I’ll only say it was along the south shore of the Gulf of St. Lawrence between Matane and Gaspe; I was on a short holiday of sorts there, including some hiking in the Chic-Choc range ... and the motel I was staying in was arranging diving lessons for guests, Yours truly seized on the opportunity ... and while some of the other tourists may have laughed at the fact of my being a wolf, I couldn’t help but sense a taste of something wonderful, discovering something new and amazing!

WALLY GATOR, with blatantly bombastic pride: Being a “native Floridian,” and an alligator at that, you quickly realise that you were built for diving from the get-go. But what opportunity I had to cultivate the manly sport, so to speak, fell athwart at the City Zoo under Zookeeper Twiddle, who kept me in a rather infantile cage with no better than a wading pool. Until the zoo began seriously unravelling, by which time I decided to hitchhike back to the old Everglades haunts--or at least somewhere near Silver Springs, which is where they filmed Sea Hunt, don’t you know, and decided to relearn the underwater experience I had somehow been depraved of. Which is basically what you pick up on when you spend considerable time in Florida, don’t you know ...

LIPPY THE LION: I have to admit that me and Hardy Har-Har, otherwise somewhat myopic and worried for no real reason of any kind, have gone into diving by way of stumbling upon an underwater treasure map ... and while it may not have yielded serious results in the end, it got us rather interested to learn further.

HARDY HAR-HAR, somewhat concerned about nothing: Now I have to wonder where we got the serious interest in diving, to begin with ...

LIPPY THE LION, picking up: It was at a somewhat down-at-heel resort among the lakes of Minnesota, believe you me; that bracing lake water, helped by some rather interested divers who were likewise staying there at the time, was enough to get us fascinated in SCUBA, and then some!

MILDEW WOLF, not trying to be spoilsport as earlier: I have to acknowledge that I, too, found SCUBA in Minnesota’s Ten Thousand Lakes. All thanks to a certain Bow-Wow Buttinski, as shall here remain nameless, making me lose any appetite, or interest thereof, in fresh spring lamb “on the hoof,” as it were. But for some reason, Loopy De Loop got me in contact with a dive school somewhere up by Nisswa over Friday-evening fish fry to take my mind off the whole notion of defeat with lambs. And whoever got the idea of doing practice dives around 6 am, with the lake a little chilly, was either crazy or--well, let’s just say the experience awakened me away from lamb for once. And directe me to diving.

SQUIDDLY DIDDLY, explaining his photographic angle in the whole: You might say that the shock closing of Bubbleland, where I had been expected to serve as “comic relief” more than anything, attracted me to underwater photography, cinematography even, as a way to stay busy. Even with a second-hand Nikonos underwater camera, perhaps the first practical such on the market, picked up at a pawn shop, I couldn’t resist developing such an interest in underwater photography, such eventually leading to an Honourable Mention at a photography salon I entered a couple months later ... not to mention Peter Potamus sensing some talent in me to be the series’ underwater cameraman; do I have talent here, or what?!

With that, It’s So Hanna-Barberaesque goes on the holiday-season hiatus, with new episodes in Fanfic Friday appearing in this space starting with the New Year, or soon after. In the meantime, It’s So Hanna-Barberaesque extends to all its fans the best wishes of the Festive Season, and thanks you for supporting this blog.

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kentkennyradcliffe · 4 years

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March 15th, 2011

I am not using Tumblr like I did last year. Instead of reclogging a bunch of pictures and writing a few feelings out, I am using this as my planner. I always have plans and goals, so I figured why not share them with people? This way people can know what goes on in my life, without all the drama or feelings associated with it. I don't like hearing others whine, so I'm cutting out all that from my blog. I want this blog to be direct and to the point.

But before I can do that, I think it's only fair that I fill in the gaps from January to March that led me to this new blog:

I started my old blog for one reason: To get over some obstacles that I felt were holding me back. My ex's, my addictions, my parents, my sexuality, my religion... I was very confused and upset and lost. It took awhile for me to figure out who I was, and it did not make sense for me until one day in February I woke up and everything made sense. I stopped feeling sad about the past, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt good about myself, and I felt happy. It was a shock to feel happy without having a friend around or some weed to get my mood up. It was as if the depression left in a dream and I woke up a new person.

After that day, I have been on this high and I don't want to come down. I have been smoking weed every day, sometimes up to 6 times a day, with Kyme and Claire mostly, or by myself. It was very fun at first, but now I feel like it's too much. The first time we smoked was at my house. Kyme brought her gay friend Nick (who happens to have the exact same birthday as me: April 26th 1991.) and we listened to Danger Days in Kymes car. I was obsessed with the song Destroya, and when you are high, it is so much better. Then we watched Tommy. It was very spiritual for me, almost like a revelation. I was inspired to write a script. I actually had to write a script for my scriptwriting class, but Tommy gave me the creative spark to write. That day was a breakthrough for me, because I had my first new goal: to write a script. Kyme and Claire are going to be my actors and hopefully it will get me noticed in school. I know I have the talent; I just must use it.

The next big step for me was talking to a boy named Cameron who lived about 30 mins away from me. He liked to smoke, and listed to new hardcore, and had gauges. He was everything I liked, but he was slightly chubby. I used to be so picky about who I dated, which is why I have only have had 2 serious relationships. Everyone I dated in high school does not count. We "dated" for like a week, and then I lost interest. It was the first time I lost interest in someone. Usually the other person loses interest first, but this time I was the one who had to break it off. I realized then that people can lose interest easily, and it is not necessarily because the other person did something wrong. I had to explain to Cameron what happened, and he understood. I told him about my past with relationships and how I am not good in them, and about how I am still discovering what I like. I see my sexuality as fluid. I can go from liking boys for awhile, to liking girls, but never at the same time. Right now I feel like I am asexual, because I am not interested in sex or dating. For the first time in my life, I am happy being single.

Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but I realized I was never in love with the people I dated. I was in love with an idea, fabricated by songs I grew up with, from the movies I saw, and from longing for a soul mate, when they just wanted sex or some fun. I would get emotionally attached and obsess over them and need to be around them all the time. I had no love for myself so I tried to find someone who could love me instead. I spent my time finding people who could fix my heart, when I should have been working on myself.

When I had that day of revelation, I spent the last days of February learning how to love myself and not put so much pressure on my friends. The downside to this was that I stopped caring about others for while, in the sense that I didn't want a boyfriend or girlfriend. Cameron didn't get to date me like he wanted to. I stopped talking to Jonathan as much. I closed my old Tumblr and left a lot of people who thought we were best friends in the dust. I deactivated my Facebook for a while. I completely shut out anyone that I could not see in real life every day. That's when Kyme and Claire became so important in my life. I wanted them to become friends with each other, so all three of us could hang out together. Now we are a group and I love it.

I know I am much happier now. I like spending time with Kyme most of all, because she puts me in a good mood without doing anything. She is fun, confident, diverse, smart, has talent, and knows fashion. I haven’t' had a friend like her since I was 15. It's giving me a reason to get back into fashion and music and art. I got so lost in my own world of music and fashion that I forgot about the world. I like living in the world and staying on top of it. Kyme is one of those girls who could own the world with her voice and talent, I've seen only a small part of it, but I can tell she has the right stuff. I want to be on her level again. I can get there but it will take awhile for me because I have so much to learn. I have the talent, I just have to improve it and hone my skills.

I have always wanted to be a singer, not like a pop singer, but like a front man in a band. I practice singing to songs by AFI, MCR, 30 Seconds to Mars, Placebo, Tegan and Sara, David Bowie, Morrissey, Lady Gaga, Old Chiodos, D.R.U.G.S., Pierce the Veil, A Day to Remember, Asking Alexandria, Eurythmics, etc.... I want to combine hardcore with electronic and have pop hooks like MCR, and have a theme like Lady Gaga, and lyrics like Morrissey, and look like Craig Owens mixed with Brian Molko. But this is something I have to work on. I am far from ready.

I have so much I still need to improve about myself. I have finally fixed the internal conflict inside of me, so now I have to work on the external. My look needs a serious revamp.

The first thing is my body. I'm forcing myself to work out, no matter how painful it is. Yesterday I ran for about 15 minutes, then did a workout in my men's health book. I want to get my abs tight and smooth, because right now I have a small pudge. I think it's because I ate so much when I would smoke, and I didn't work out for a month. But now I am eating better and drinking protein shakes and working out again. I have all the right stuff; I just have not used it in awhile...

The other thing I need to work on is my hair. I fucked it up during the winter, so I had it cut razor short and have been letting it grow back out since January. Right now, my hair is to my eyes and the sides and back are about 2 inches. I have a plan for it, but it has to get longer.

Once I have the body and hair I want, I will feel even more confident. I am saving up some money to spend on new clothes, since my wardrobe is outdated. I spent $200 on new clothes over the weekend. I bought a dark green military style jacket with a fur hood from forever 21 (there is a men's department now in the mall), some rude fit skinny jeans from hot topic, and some skate shoes from kohls. I shopped online at interpunk and hot topic and bought A Day To Remember shirt that has snow white wrapped up by worms coming out of an apple, a MCR shirt with an eyeball on it that says galactic destroya, a Pierce the Veil shirt that says the band’s name in stitches, black thermals with Miss May I, Attack Attack, and Lady Gaga on each one, a black vest that has a furry hood on it, a grey Bennie with studs on the front, and matching fingerless gloves. I am going for a mix between hardcore and indie. I still have lots of clothes I can match with these new clothes, like my plaid button ups, and my skinny jeans, and my wide collection of hoodies and hats. But I am getting rid of outdated stuff.

By the summer, I should have everything going for me. If not, then I will keep working on myself. I'm always a work in progress anyway.

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