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fragileizywriting · 2 years

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Izzyyyyy I'm in love with this so much! What about the other Luka, what is he doing?💚

he wakes up earlier than marinette.

his marinette. the one who almost screamed into her pillow in frustration about how unfair it was that the other luka is unloved, before snapping her fangs at him when he casually reached over to grab for her pillow. (and she doesn’t need one, anyway. why does she always bother to? she can always sleep right ontop of him, just as comfortable as ever.) it doesn't bother him that luka is single-- it should, but it doesn't-- not really. maybe he's just too old to feel upset about it, or maybe because he still has tendencies to never ask for more than what he's given. if it’s his destiny to have only one chance out of all universes to be with marinette… he’s accepted it already.

it'd warmed his heart all over to hear her make certain that every single luka and every single adrien would be loved by her, over and over again, until she had no more love left to give. even if she was saying this while tired, dozing, eyes slipping shut after her angry fissy squirming on the mattress, rolling herself up in a sushi. it means the world to him.

but he wakes up earlier than her. he wakes up to the sight of her curled up against adrien, their adrien, hidden underneath a honey-colored arm that keeps her close. the two of them look peaceful together, in the quiet morning, especially now that marinette's been dozing off more profoundly as their time together continues. her spade twitches when in rem sleep. curling and curling harder against adrien’s ankle like she’s trying to choke.

he lets the two of them sleep, padding out into the main living space, checking to make sure that the other occupants in the house are asleep. he's not much of a guard dog, but from the things the younger, different versions of themselves told them, they frequently wake up in the middle of the night to fight more of those Akumas— he doesn’t want them to be worried. that other marinette— the littler one, with a mouth filled with smiles and fangs, talked about how she’s been doing this since she was eight. a little child soldier. luka wonders if she sleeps well.

both doors are closed. the guest room, with the couple's mattress, is still shut-- the room with the single bed, the one that the younger luka had willingly taken with no fuss at all, is also shut. it might even be locked, too, and luka tries not to laugh.

he doesn't expect to see another adrien in the living room, though.

he's quiet, staring at the window and how sunlight bleeds through their vine canopy that covers the east-facing window. his hair is the color of spun gold, just like his adrien, with darkened amber skin, too...

and there's that quiet, mournful gaze in his eyes that luka is all too familiar with.

i wish i didn't have this problem.

"adrien?" luka calls out, rubbing at his eyes. it takes him a while to get used to the sunlight, but not as much as adrien.

"oh. hi-- hey-- good morning," adrien looks up to him. a gentle, sweet smile-- it's just like looking at his adrien-- but his adrien doesn't drink coffee with that much sugar in it. luka can smell the spoonfuls. it's more milk than coffee, too, like adrien hasn't convinced himself of trying it purely black-- he must've found the instant coffee powder. the fat-free milk. his marinette always has a jar full of sugar around, too, for all the baking she likes to do. as if this adrien knows what he's thinking, he looks down to the mug between his hands, starting to blush, pointing to the coffee insulator he's placed on the table to keep him company. "sorry, i... went through your kitchen. i'm a coffee drinker."

"that's okay," he smiles. "don't worry. eat and drink whatever you want and need, marinette will have my head if you three don't have all the comforts we can give you. besides, i wouldn't want you to starve."

that smile of his is brief, disappearing at the corners of his lips.

something's up with him. luka may not know this adrien, or recognize the way he protects himself behind a circular shield during a fight, but he recognizes the way he laughs with kitty. he recognizes that confidence, that courage, that resolution in his eyes when he's made a plan. he knows when an adrien is upset. he knows when that tick in his brows isn't because of tiredness, but stress, and it's all because of thinking of his father.

some things just... stay the same, don't they?

"mind if i joined you?" luka asks, when adrien doesn't respond to the silence.

"go on ahead. i'm sorry if i woke you up," adrien allbut curls into staring into his cup.

“you didn’t. don’t worry. i’m an early riser by nature.”

“thank god,” he sighs, proving all the more that this adrien isn’t his.

the apartment is quiet, just like usual, at seven in the morning: a gentle and still thing that he likes to experience a lot. luka's always liked waking up early to watch the sunrises, but he's been indulging in sleeping in later and later with his loved ones. he's allowing it. it's... well. he's allowed a bit of luxuries, since he's already fallen out of heaven. might as well indulge.

he pulls out a seat after grabbing his own mug from the kitchen, giving this adrien-- not his adrien, but just as much of an adrien-- a smile. "were you hungry? is that why you woke up early?"

"ah, no." he goes shy, ducking his head, rubbing his fingers on the handle of his cup. "i don't sleep in very often, anymore. drives kitty crazy, especially in the mornings when she's looking to cuddle. she latches on like glue."

“my marinette does the same.”

“thank you for letting us borrow your bathroom and clothes,” he murmurs, rather soft. barely audible. not shy, but rather… just proper.

he doesnt like being so distant from this adrien.

“i’m glad the clothes fit you.”

this adrien is just as long as his. there’s something in the agreste genes that make them noodly, with long arms and longer legs. it’s actually quite stunning at how perfect the man in front of him is, just as perfect as his. but even still, the pajamas are a little loser around the waist for him. he doesn’t look starved. he has the physique of a superhero.

he’s just a young adult.

"adrien, can i ask about your nightmares?"

he looks up, alarm sketched into his entire face, as luka pours his own cup. "how do you know that?"

"i know my adrien. it's probably not fair to you-- you don't seem to be as intimate with your luka as much as i am with you."

"all of it is just kind of bizzare, isn't it?" he's exhasperated, brushing his fingers through his hair. "i never imagined i would be in an alternate universe where... everything's different, but not to the point where i can't recognize it. everything's practically the same. the only difference is... you. kit-- i mean, marinette. i guess 'me' is applicable here, too, but we look identical."

"you're more different than my adrien than you think."

"he looks happy.”

“he is happy.”

“and marinette? is she… okay?”

“she’s happy, too.”

“she didn’t flood a city on accident at any point, did she?”

“flood?”

“with water. enough to level buildings.”

he raises a brow. “not that i know of.”

that seems to relax him. his shoulders drop, his those worry lines starting to disappear— yet there’s still that antsyness about it, like he doesn’t know whether to be relieved or somber. "sorry. i guess that was a weird question, wasn't it? it wouldn't have been if you'd said yes, but, now that i'm thinking about it, it kind of came out of left field."

"let's even the playing field and let me ask questions about your universe, then."

"sure." and there's that smile again, that curiosity, like he's too afraid to show it entirely.

"does your luka have a good relationship with his mother?"

"he's never complained about it, but sometimes we can tell the stress of pulling her out of jail three times a month must be bothersome."

he tries not to laugh. "wait, what?"

"oh. his mom is-- well, i don't mean this in a bad way. she's... a delinquent. some people call her a pest. she's always at the police station for the illegal homeless projects she keeps trying to do."

that sounds like anarka. although it's funny to hear her getting put into jail, even if it is rather serious. the idea of putting god behind bars... is it considered gallows humor?

"does kitty obsess about decorating?"

this gets him to laugh. it's just as pretty and nice as his adrien's. "if there's an empty wallspace, she covers it up with a plant. i guess the need to decorate is universal for a marinette, then. kitty is obsessed with eclectism. it's cute. and a fire hazard. every time we go on dates i have to make sure to take routes that don't have a single flower shop along the way because she'll get stuck there."

"she likes plants that much?"

"her bedroom is the most purified-air place i've ever been in. it's a jungle. the tropics exist between her door and the mattress."

he takes his time imagining it. he doesn’t imagine kitty walking around, humming, but rather his marinette— it’s funny, because they are technically the same people, but maybe he’s just more accustomed to seeing his marinette. watering can as her weapon. dry leaves as her antagonist. headphones as a morale booster. brave face to show she’s not daunted, taking care of what seems to be right billion plants.

“she’s a little different here, i guess. not plants, but paper. jewels. necklaces.”

"i like it. it’s… better like this. you three have a lot of history together… i guess i should've expected that i would be back in another universe and stopped being so afraid about it.”

there it is. it’s a miracle adrien comes clean so easily.

"has this happened to you three before?"

"i don't think this has happened to luka before. maybe kitty, on accident, going through portals with the bunny... but she's never said anything. she's the type of girl who says it, though, so i don't think she actually has." he stirrs his spoon, trying to dissolve the speckles of instant coffee powder.

“but you have.”

“i have, yeah. it was a couple of years ago.” he rubs at his eyes. “i never even acknowledged the bunny after that. i promised i would never touch a portal in my life.”

“what happened? it’s something to do with that flood, isn’t it?”

“i walked into a universe where kitty had gotten akumatized. i don’t know how it happened. that black suit of hers was just… white. she’d flooded the entirety of paris, all by herself, because the adrien in that world had…” he quiets again. “had died? i don’t know what happened to him.”

“she flooded paris? with water?”

“she fucked up the tidal waves on the planet. she blew up the moon and it just… god, all of it… everything came crashing down.” there’s a brief smile on his face when he looks up. “yeah, i know. something out of a TV show. i almost thought it was a joke, i was horrified, i couldn’t believe that kitty was capable of leveling the moon. i don’t know how long she stayed there, alone, as the entire world just flooded over. and then i got there. i was told to fix it as fast as i could before kitty caught on that i was trying to make it better.”

“she didn’t want you to?”

“i guess at that point she’d gotten feral. she forgot her real name. all she wanted was to hug and kiss me, and— well. other stuff, too. i’ve always said our suits are claustrophobic but she was shredding our suits.”

“holy hell.”

“she kept crying into my shoulder, too, telling me she’d never let me go. every sob made a building crumble. she didn’t want anything fixed, she just wanted me. nothing else mattered to her.” he sits back in his chair. “i don’t know what happened. i still don’t. i never got the chance to ask, kitty just kept screaming. screaming about how she missed me, how she was so sorry she didn’t save me. whatever was traumatic enough for her to just drown everyone because of how sad and scared she was…”

“i’m sorry.” it’s all he can offer. the turmoil that this man has gone through… luka’s no novice to the concept of how people react when they lose their loved ones. they turn into monsters, shells of themselves, and everything they don’t wish to be. “did you fix it?”

“i did. i fixed everything, hugged her tightly as everything was unflooded and people came back to life. the last thing i saw was her reaching out for me again as i stepped through the portal into my world. i think about how her sadness can just… break things. buildings. a city. my heart, too.” he blushes. “that was cheesy, huh?”

“not at all. i think you’re right— marinette is an emotional creature,” luka shrugs as he takes a sip. “and, don’t worry. i mean that in a good way. i love that about her. she cares so much and so honestly. my marinette, at least, can’t be happy without transforming that love into something beautiful. she can’t cry, either, without making her magic flare up. marinette is… transformative.”

“it’s not something i want to control over her. i don’t want it gone. i love that kitty is a spitfire. i love that she’s so open about her emotions without caring who sees it. but that fear and loneliness in her eyes sticks with me. it keeps me up. i know what it’s like to be lonely and not have anyone. but the nightmares…”

they both pause, watching the sunlight track on the table. it touches their palms as they cradle their mugs, starting its slow decent down from the wall as the sun continues to rise. the shadows are long, golden, and practically disappear into adrien’s skin. his marinette was right. adrien really is the sun.

“the nightmares of it are still pretty hard to swallow.”

he tampers down the wish to hold adrien. this isn’t his adrien. no matter how hard his lip wobbles, or seems to be unsure. so luka touches the back of golden skin with his fingertips, just to give him something to reach for. “hey. you’re okay. everything’s safe right now.”

“how are you so sure of that? what if something goes wrong?”

“you’re okay, adrien. it won’t happen. marinette is happy with you three here, and kitty won’t have a problem either— you don’t need to stay up and check. i’ve been checking, it’s what i do. i make sure that my loved ones are okay. and you should go back to bed, with kitty, and sleep. let me do the checking for you.”

“but what if i—”

“you won’t. you don’t need to. i promise. the morning will stay just as quiet as ever, and you’ll be happy wrapped up in her arms. i want you to be happy, adrien. every version of you is important to me.” he tilts his head. “even if we don’t have any romantic relations.”

he thought adrien would waver when grabbing for his hand. that same calloused hand that most likely plays piano just as easily as his adrien. he’d watched how this adrien had gripped his shield during the fight, so much confidence in his eyes as he forced the Akuma onto its back to let kitty land the finishing blow.

but why would he grab for luka’s hand? as far as everyone’s aware, adrien doesn’t have feelings for his luka. and his luka and this luka certainly don’t look the same—

adrien doesn’t falter now.

his hand is warm.

and there’s confidence in his eyes.

“thank you, luka.”

#speakizys #demon lovin #sharks and sugar #sorry this one took so long anon omg #i tried writing this for a whole day but i’m in the middle of packing so it’s been an entourage #whoo!!! packing!!!!

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

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Umm what are your thoughts on Magnus thinking Raphael doesn't need him anymore

Y̴̖̳̏͐̓͝͝͝O̴͉͔̪͙͎͌̋̊̽̚Ü̴̦ ̵̡̧͍̙͎̤̓͜F̵̺̹̼̫̳̻̖̓̈́̎Ơ̵͈̟̘̼̲O̴̤̻̭̻̟̺̖͗̆͌͒͆͊͂L̴̨͚̝̟̙̥͆̏. you absolute idiot. my thoughts on magnus thinking raphael doesn't need him anymore??????????????? C̶̨̛̖̘̜̟̪̱͗̈́̓̑̋͛́̽͛̃̑̈́Ą̵̢̣͕̥͚̩͔̗̤͙̺͝ͅN̷̢̜͇̪͖̫͓̦̟̰͎͈̫͔̹͌̓̏̐̔̊̽͝ͅ'̵̩͇͐̅͌͋̕T̵̡̡̼̰̼̯͇̝̗̼̫̝̺̝͖͑̀̒͛̈͘͜ͅ ̷̧̘̬͕̯̘͇̹̳͔̑̓͜Y̷̨̥̙̻̣̯̦̓̏̏̂̒͐̕Ơ̸̭͔̤̤̮̙͇͙͇͙̩͐̌̂̈́̐̇̌̌̕̚͝U̴̢̡͙͕̖̥̗̔̿̒̓̉̓͌ͅ ̶̺͚̯͙̘̦̻͚͒͒̍͗̌̚͜͠S̶̢͆̉́̋̈́́Ȩ̵̪͚̹͉͉͉̼̱͖̏ͅĘ̶̛̞̣͚̲̳̻̪̤̲͎̳̠̻̎̊̽̀̉̑͝ ̴̧̛̫͖͍̺͙͓͈̹͕͛͊͊̓͋̄͑͗̉͆͠͝T̵̡͍̱͍̙͈̞͍̪̭͌̄͂̎͑͂Ḩ̴̧̫̪͖̫̞̞̀̔̾̿̃͗̋͐̌͊̀̕̚È̴̢̨͓̞̠̲̱̠͉̾̀ ̴̢͇͈̣͙̝̭͔̰͔̫̦̈́̀͘Ṁ̶̡͓̖̭̩̱̗̗̘̯̖̹͖̳̭̙̺͋͐̈Ḭ̷̢̧̢͔̙̪̣̞̣͙̘̑͌̈́̐̾̅̆́̆̑̃͋͒͒̎͠Ş̵̱̘̰͓̫̦̺͚̙̹͚̗͎̭̠͆̀̏͐͋͗̈́T̷̢̡̡̛̪̝̟̻̠̼̦̦̰̦̗͓̣͌̌̐̋͊̐̔͛̕Ą̵͔͉̜̪̦͓̗̤͇͖̘͓̱̰̜̈͒̍̊͂ͅK̵̛͈̜̱͉̜̖͈̈́́̒̀̐͒́̂̔͆̾̏̂͂̕̕E̸̡͓̣̪̮͉̮̻̹̰̒́̾̋ ̴̡̮̝̝͇̫̮̭̞̦̘̙̥̥̗͒̿͝ͅY̷̡̨͙̝̰̗̗̫͛́̕͜͠͝Ō̵̬Ų̶̡̖̗͙̞̲̺͖̣͉̜̿́͒͆́̏̚͠ͅ'̵̮̭̗̙̘̰͍̥̣̪̩̖̦͂̀̋̆̓̉́̅͜R̸̼̤͙̞͚̼̤͆͛͌̄̈́̑͘Ê̸̡̢̩̳̤͙̳̘̲̞̦̳̻̩̔̐̄͐̑̒̿̒̽̈́̌͒̏̚ ̷̛̮̂̈̽̄̇̆̍̄͂̋̒͛͝͝͝M̶̧̢̛͙̮̣͎̮͍̝̪͔͎̘͔̐̊͐̄̃́̄̄͋̆̕͜͝A̵̧̮̙͖͓̭̯̘̪̿͊̌̉̆̄̈́̾̅́͆͋́̾̓͝K̸̘̩̯̼̣͍̠̝͈̤̮̝̻̬̿̈́Ǐ̶͖̹͈̫͙̀͛̀̆͆͊̿͘̕͝Ṋ̸̨̨̗̰͖̳̝͉͑̏̀̀́̂͗͌̽̈G̸̢̰̟̜͎̪̬̞̲͔̘͍̋̆. not only is this one of my favorite angsts ever, nay! you just posted self promo bait!!! i have a whole ass fic about it (link). and you know what the worst part is???? im gonna make a huge ass answer to your question anyway!!!! do you understand how naive you were now??? do you have any idea what you have unleashed?????

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok. so i think the saddest part about this is magnus' assumption that like... if he isn't useful, he isn't desirable. which we know is 100% how magnus rolls (therapy-needing icon) and would particularly ring true in raphael's case because like... magnus took raphael in when raphael was at his lowest. their relationship was started off by the fact that raphael needed him. and that makes it even harder for magnus to shake that feeling off

like, don't misquote me, it's not raphael's fault and that is not how he sees magnus at all. and i don't think magnus singlehandedly saved raphael or whatever; raphael had to build his own network of ppl and resources to get over his addiction and get back on his feet and build himself back together, as anyone does. no one can carry a burden as big as singlehandedly taking care of any one person, nevermind one in the state rapha was in. but the fact remains: raphael and magnus met when raphael was at his lowest, and they built their relationship because magnus helped him

and magnus knows raphael's got this whole repentance thing going on, he knows that raphael feels like a monster and a burden and like his debt to magnus is unmeasurable. and that makes him second-guess everything about their relationship, imo, because like... raphael probably feels like he has to keep magnus company, he has to do as he says or whatever, because he has a debt

and to some extent it's nice that magnus is like... aware of that imbalance, which is inherent to that situation, but then i think it becomes pretty much... being convinced that raphael doesn't like him and only puts up with him because he has to since he owes magnus

and when magnus "adopted" rapha, magnus was at a particular fragile point. i'm pretty sure rapha was the first person magnus ever let into his life, fully, enough to really know him and his insecurities and his true self, after camille. his other friends - catarina, dot, ragnor, elias - all knew him from before. and we know how after camille magnus locked his heart; yes, he was referring to romantic relationships, but when you are constantly afraid of falling in love with someone in case they will abuse you, you can't fully build platonic relationships either, because there is that wall that is there, a certain level of intimacy that you won't allow yourself

and with that i don't mean that romantic relationships are inherently more intimate or deeper than platonic ones! i mean that to build any sort of intimate relationship, romantic or platonic, you need to be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and magnus was obviously not allowing himself that, because he was scared of being vulnerable after it was used so viciously against him the last time he opened up his heart

but magnus is still too caring of a person to leave someone in a state as bad as raphael's - no sire, battling addiction, alone in the streets, probably no knowledge of the shadow world (this is probably where i should add my mandatory disclaimer that i'm not following book canon and i don't care how it went there, i'm talking about the show), no clan, no family, basically no one - alone, so of course he's gonna bring him in for a night and feed him and try to find a way to help him

but then you add to that two facts: 1- magnus is hopelessly affection and touch-starved and desperately needs company; 2- there is not many places raphael can actually go to

so of course magnus lets raphael stay. and it's for his own sake as much as it is for his, because again, magnus is starved, and he is at a point of his recovery where he needs to let people in, even if it's slowly and in a relatively safe situation - like, what can raphael do to hurt him? okay, there's a few things, but still. it's just easier to let yourself be vulnerable when the person you're allowing to see it is someone you've seen equally as or even more vulnerable. especially if they have no connections to people you know, as it is in rapha's case

PLUS, he empathises. i've said it before and i'll say it again, raphael and magnus have so much in common. from background (immigrants, brown, downworlders, one is bi the other is ace which are two groups known for their ties and solidarity with each other, trans if you go by my headcanons which i will because this is my blog and i do what i want) to coping mechanisms (both clearly deal with their problems on their own and try to avoid letting other people help them as much as they can, even if in very different ways - magnus creates a persona so he can be surrounded by people and not let them in too close whereas raphael doesn't let them get close from the get-go), to some of their personal psychological issues (this unbearable responsibility they carry on their shoulders, like everything and everyone is dependant on them and it is on them personally to help everyone they find: see raphael and how involved he got with simon and the way he talked about the other vampires/the clan even before he became clan leader, and magnus and Literally Everyone That Came Into His Path; the feelings of monstrosity they both feel due to their downworlder status and their past; the guilt; the self sacrificial/giving til it hurts tendencies; etc), to a few personality traits (similar sense of humor, both natural leaders, both pretty bold in their own ways; they also have many differences in personality but they are quite compatible/similar in other ways as well).... i could go on. i'm not saying they are Literally The Same Character (that'd be bad writing anyway, and there are notable differences such as raphael being way more recluse than magnus, their different moral codes, etc.) but there is a lot in common, which results in a nice dynamic in which:

they have fun with each other (think "because you're totally unbiased"; that was clearly a tease, neither of them were really upset by it, raphael looked at magnus expectantly like he expected magnus to laugh and magnus just glared at him in a clearly playful way)

they care for each other deeply (think every interaction we got between them or that included them talking about each other to a third person lmao i think this one is undeniable)

they trust each other incredibly (think raphael being tortured and going to magnus before he went to his own clan, then staying at his house, he obviously feels comfortable and safe there more than anywhere else including his own supposed home; and i wish we had gotten to see more of raphael taking care of magnus as well but of course the writers always forgot magnus had friends and family beyond shadowhunters lmao, but still, i think it's undeniable that the trust goes both ways because of the sheer difference in the way magnus treated raphael as opposed to other people who came for his help, including downworlders like simon)

they are openly affectionate with each other in a way they aren't with most people (think them hugging or the way magnus casually touched raphael's face like it was perfectly normal. that is like, the only s3 raphael scene i claim lmao)

hmmm where was i going with this. man i should really get checked for ADHD or whatever

RIGHT they built a nice relationship. which magnus craved!!! he really really needed someone he could be affectionate with, someone he could trust, someone he had fun with! and again, it's not that he didn't have that, but it was the first time he was building a relationship like this again from scratch after camille. plus, i'm sure camille pushed him away from his friends because that's what abusers do, and i'm sure magnus also pushed them away to some extent because again, being vulnerable was hard. but with raphael there was no escaping it. like, he was living at magnus' house

and he needed that! and i think raphael and their relationship had such an important catalyst role in magnus' recovery from camille. not that raphael saved him - again, that's not even possible - but the way their relationship was constructed was essential for magnus to start opening up again. without it i really doubt it would have been possible for him to open up to alec, and i think their relationship and history is extremely overlooked and underrated by the fandom

but like... the fact that he was in such a vulnerable emotional state to begin with, plus the fact that their relationship was kickstarted by the fact that raphael needed him, will obviously lead to him thinking that raphael only puts up with him or whatever because he needs him/feels indebted (because magnus knows at this point that raphael is not the kind to use people, but he also knows that raphael already acts like his mere presence in the world is something he has to make up for it's the catholicism so of course he's gonna feel like he needs to make up for magnus for such a huge gesture. anyone who's not an asshole would, but like, particularly raphael). cue magnus like, probably feeling guilty for getting so attached to raphael because he's an idiot

and like of course raphael feels indebted and grateful but he also does genuinely in fact like magnus (for all the reasons listed above) and also like, he did in fact also need more connections, he had just lost all of his previous ones. but most importantly he does care for magnus and loves him immensely even beyond all that magnus did for him. and he does see magnus as a person and knows about his struggles and vulnerabilities because it's impossible not to when you live/have lived together, and he just... cares and empathises

but also raphael obviously thinks he's a burden to magnus because duh, and i don't think magnus ever really told raphael how much taking raphael in helped him, how much it meant to him and his recovery, how he was doing it for himself as much as he was doing it for rapha, because 1- he's scared of being so open and vulnerable; 2- he's scared of making raphael feel even more guilty; 3- he's stupid and i think part of him assumed it went without saying

like he was always so openly affectionate with raphael (maybe even too much in his eyes, maybe he was scared of being too attached, putting too much on his shoulders, it's not this traumatized kid's job to deal with his issues for fuck's sake) and magnus has always worn his heart in his sleeve and he feels everything so deeply i think he sometimes forgets that it's not actually plain for everyone to see and feel. particularly not non-warlocks, since it's kinda implied that warlocks have some level of sensitivity to each other going on. plus raphael is autistic af so he can't tell what magnus is feeling if magnus doesn't fucking say it, and he has a terminally low self esteem that i assume would be even lower by that point (due to, you know... the general shitshow state his life was in), so of course he doesn't assume he's as important to magnus as magnus is to him, particularly not when he is literally burdening him (in raphael's eyes). so he thinks it's obvious but it's Really Not

so we have like a lot of misunderstanding angst with both of them wanting to get closer but thinking they are imposing on the other and pulling away, and both of them taking the other pulling away as a sign that they aren't comfortable and aaaa

so like i think that rapha would mention moving out so he can get out of magnus' hair, and magnus is all crestfallen because he's so not ready to be alone at home again, but he can't be selfish and hold the kid back just because he has shit he needs to deal with, right? it's not fair

and then like lowkey spiralling afraid that after that he's going to be alone again and raphael won't want to see him anymore, or worse, that he'll force himself to out of pity or guilt, and magnus will just be a chore to him

and raphael feeling like magnus wants to get rid of him and will want him out of his hair and aaaaaaaaaaa

and magnus of course is all put together and excited about it, "yes, my boy, don't worry, i'll help you move" and playfully tilting his head and being all excited and getting into chop-chop mode because as long as he can make himself useful he can avoid thinking about how he's gonna be alone again. and rapha of course taking this as magnus being eager for him to leave

and just doijasiodjasoij they're IDIOTS. i think this would be more or less resolved by raphael because at the very least he has to thank magnus for everything he's done and tell magnus that he means so much to him, that he'll always be thankful. and magnus again is all put together, all "it was nothing, my boy" but rapha pulls him into a hug and suddenly they are Not Letting Each Other Go. like it's tight and maybe they're both shaking a little because Badly Repressed Emotions and they're just. so unwilling to let each other go for what they feel like will be forever because they are sad and dramatic. and raphael even wonders for a second if he's like, super strengthing magnus into the hug by accident, but even when he tries to let go magnus doesn't even notice and is still hugging him tight, so he's like. okay. guess i can stay for a little longer then. and keeps hugging him

and lol i have half a mind to be like "and then raphael ends up staying because neither of them actually wants raphael to leave so what's the point" and actually i think i might be going this route for this particular hc. but of course eventually raphael does leave because you know... kids grow up and all daihdsaioj and i think that they still have some things to resolve, particularly from magnus' side? i think raphael is more in touch with him than the other way around, even if mostly we've seen him coming to magnus for help, but like... that trust is there, you know, and we didn't see a lot of the opposite

i know s3 raphael was fake anyway but like i imagine him finding out that magnus lost his magic and he had no idea or that he lost his home and being like "why didn't you ask for my help?? our help??" because you know all his other friends would have wanted to help him out too, and magnus is just. he doesn't want to be a burden. he feels like if he is, he's going to lose anyone. he needs to be there for them

and it's so much bullshit of course and raphael is pissed - not at magnus, he couldn't be mad at him, but just pissed in general. and he draws magnus in for a hug and tells him that he can always come to raphael, whenever he needs, and raphael will drop everything to help him. the clan is doing okay (especially post-valentine and impending doom and all, you know, they can take care of themselves lmao. like look of course raphael is a very involved leader but you get what i mean, they won't die if he goes help magnus with something) and he has second-in-commands he trusts anyway. and he doesn't want magnus to hide his problems for him and not come for his help and aaa

just.... rapha being like "you think i wouldn't do anything i could for you? anything to make sure you're alright?" and magnus being like "you don't have to" and raphael going, "you didn't have to do it for me either. but you did" "you don't owe me anything" "i do, but this is not about that. magnus, you're my family" and magnus tearing up because it is so immense to him to be someone's family, something he almost can't grasp

and magnus slowly learning that no, raphael doesn't need him, but that's not important because he wants magnus in his life anyway. and they can always rely on each other, no matter what, even if they aren't dependant on each other - and that is a good thing :)

#shadowhunters #sh #raphael santiago #magnus bane #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them #ask #anonymous #meta #raphael santiago meta #magnus bane meta #q #anti cc #anti tsc #anti tmi #long post

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