#Save/Crack: Beth Harmon | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gothicwidowsworld · 3 years

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Rather distinguished - H.B #1

“Please tell me you’ll come visit me sometime Y/N” the redheaded protégé begged as she signed out of the hotel. “Beth I couldn’t possibly bother you like that.” Y/N shook her head a soft smile filling her y/s/c features. “Nonsense!” Beth Harmon announced pinching a notepad from the concierge desk, scribbling her address and telephone number down before thrusting it at the shocked British girl. Paris had only felt like yesterday and though Beth hadn’t won the tournament she’d made a firm friend in Y/N a fellow model and acquaintance of Cleo. “That will be a $1.50.” the taxi driver grumbled, not even caring to look at his passenger. “Oh of course.” The y/h girl mumbled awkwardly handing over the change before getting out and gathering her suitcase.

American suburbia was definitely different to what Y/N was used to having only visited America once or twice before. Even then she’d been working in New York. Checking the sun stained scrap of paper the girl fixed her y/h/c locks. Heaven forbid the girls Mother found out she’d introduced herself in such a disheveled state, the fact she’d already met the Harmon girl of little importance especially to a lady such as Mrs. L/N. “Hallo Beth, long time no see. I remember you invited me to stay and well I had some down time so I thought why not?” Y/N whispered the introduction to herself hoping she wouldn’t sound like a fool. “Hi Beth I thought I'd take you up on the offer of a visit. No Y/N that's what an idiot would say.” The girl grumbled at herself as she walked up the steps onto the porch. What if she’d misread Beth’s kind offer? Y/N hated to be a bother. Ringing the doorbell the girl waited patiently, the local birds chirping merrily amongst themselves providing a pleasant tune. “She won’t answer.” A man announced interrupting the young woman's thoughts. “Bloody hell!!” Y/N jumped heart racing at the strangers sudden presence. “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you?” The man continued jogging up the steps to extend a hand in greeting. “I’m Harry… Harry Beltik.” the man said, smiling gently. Blushing Y/N accepted the hand still hovering in the warm air “Y/N L/N.”

“What were you doing?” Y/N asked referring to the man’s sudden appearance from what seemed to be thin air. “I’ve been checking on Beth but I’m still not getting anything. I thought I'd check her windows.” Harry explained frowning that he’d been unsuccessful in getting the redhead’s attention. Though their friendship had been left somewhat awkwardly after their small fling Harry still cared for the younger woman. “Is Beth okay?” Y/N panicked. Shrugging the dark haired man frowned again “I haven’t spoken to her in a while admittedly. You?” Sighing Y/N shook her head “Well I must admit Beth hasn’t been answering my phone calls but last i heard from Benny she was preparing for Russia.”

“What am i going to do? Beth’s the only person I know here.” Y/N cried out settling herself on the concrete step crumpling into the iron bannister in exhaustion. “Well you could stay with me?” Harry offered embarrassment flooding his pale cheeks as his voice cracked. “I mean at least until you find some other arrangement of course.” Hoping the second statement had saved him from coming across as a creep. Jumping up Y/N hugged the man tightly “Oh Mr Beltik you're a lifesaver.” Coughing uncomfortably Harry nodded “I’m sorry I’m a hugger I should have asked.” Y/N scolded herself “It’s alright I’m just not used to beautiful women throwing themselves at me.” Harry joked his accent seemed to become thicker the less bashful he became. “Well I find that very hard to believe!” Y/N grinned brushing the nonexistent dirt from her dress. “Also please call me Harry Mr Beltik makes me feel old.” Reaching down for the foreigners suitcase Harry gestured to a vehicle parked a few steps away. “I think it makes you sound rather distinguished personally.” Y/N called after the man who’s large strides proved hard to keep up with. Putting the case in the trunk Harry laughed, something he rarely seemed to do anymore between the stress of work, studying and of course Beth. “I don’t believe distinguished is a word many would use for someone from Kentucky.”

“Maybe you’ll be the first.” the girl hummed as she watched Harry open the passenger door for her. “Maybe.” The man agreed.

A/N I’m not even a little ashamed I’m actually in love with Harry Melling

Gif source

Harry Beltik - Tenor

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love-dreams · 3 years

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pairing: hoshi x fem!reader

content: based off of the netflix show, the queen’s gambit, with different character names; drug abuse and overdose; lots of chess terms

wc: 3454

note: I FREAKING LOVE THIS NETFLIX SHOWWW!! this is a character study i’m trying to do to make my female y/ns less.. idk meek? wimpy? it’s such a writing pet peeve of mine and i absolutely loved beth harmon’s character so here it is :))

the queen’s gambit masterlist: 1 2

It was quiet in the orphanage basement. With the exception of the dull thumping of childrens’ feet on the basement’s ceiling. Pensive, and tense, the air felt pregnant with strain.

Your eyes flitted back and forth, from black to white and then back again. They went over the ridges of the standing pieces, and down the curves until it met the checkered board. A criss-crossing maze full of infinite possibilities for strategy.

Finally, your delicate, little fingers wrapped around the stem of your rook, pushing it so it slid all the way across the board.

“Check,” came your raspy voice.

The janitor’s bald forehead creased into more folds, and he raised up a finger to push up the frame of his glasses. “Not anymore.” His voice was rough, like gravel scraping against concrete.

The young girl’s brows furrowed, “Wait, how can you do that? You never taught me-”

The buff man stood up suddenly, interrupting her rhetoric. “That’ll be for next time. Clean up the board now and get to class.”

“Wait-” you stuttered, feeling confused and cheated, but Mr. Lee's back was already turned on you, already moving in between the aisles of paint. You sighed, letting her gaze brush over the stationery pieces on the chess board once more, before sweeping all of them off into a velvet bag.

The school bell rang shrilly.

Soonyoung liked to win. Even at the young age of five, he liked crushing his opponents with a gummy smile on his face and curved crescent eyes.

They called him lots of names: the best chess player in the country since Yoon Jeonghan, the chess champion, etc.

But he figured he liked the title “Innocent Tiger of the Chessboard.” Soonyoung thought it made him sound powerful and glorious. He used the name “Hoshi” a lot after the Times magazine coined him that way.

“You’re all a bunch of-”

A girl, whom you did not know, was getting dragged from the cafeteria. A teacher yanked her forward by her long, curly afro harshly. One hand held the girl’s hair, and the other hand, you barely noticed, was holding a yellow-tinted soap bar.

You walked into the cafeteria, naturally standing at the back of a long line of orphaned girls. She moved forward, hesitantly, taking the spot in line from the previous girl. You looked up at the male vendor with large, unblinking eyes, expectantly. His eyes held a glint of remembrance, and slid a small, white paper cup toward you.

Your fingers reached into the small cup and grabbed the object inside. Small, oval shaped pills rested at the bottom of the paper cup.

“Ooh, those ones are best saved for the night. Don’t take ‘em all at once, either. Save ‘em.” You turned around. It was the black girl from before. “My name’s Ruth, by the way. You’re new here, right?” Ruth’s voice was sultry and teasing; her brown, chocolate eyes hid a twinkle of mischief that you could already tell made her a troublemaker. She had her own matching green pill in between her large hands. “You’ll see what I mean.”

Then, she walked right back into the cafeteria with the other girls.

The room where you slept was also occupied by the dozens of other girls in the orphanage. It had large windows with thin curtains, and stone ceilings and floors. The beds were identical with small dressers on the side of them.

Because the curtains were thin, they didn’t do much to keep the silver beams of moonlight from filtering into the room and onto the beds.

Your eyes were wide open, staring at the green pill twirling in between your fingers. You debated yourself internally for a few moments, before swallowing it in one gulp. Your eyes felt heavy with sleep, but your mind was as light as feather, swirling and swirling with thoughts. You finally cemented on one event in her day, zeroing in and latching onto it with no mercy.

The chess game with the orphanage janitor.

As the event seeped into the cracks of your skull, your eyelids slowly opened until you were faced with the dark, blank ceiling above you.

A spot appeared. Then another right beside it.

Then two more around those, and then more and more and more. They were alternating spots, some dark and some light.

You gasped, pushing herself to a seated position.

It was a chessboard.

The pieces slowly materialized on the ceiling. You could make out the distinct shapes of the king, the rook, and the many other pieces that she didn’t know the names of. You knew of the pawn, pieces with a rounded sphere as its head. Mr. Lee had taught you about them the first day she played chess with him.

“The opening,” he had called it. “Openings are the first moves of the game. Learn some.”

The pieces flickered on the board, teleporting from place to place, mimicking a real chess game.

You almost overslept for breakfast the next morning.

The teacher paused for a moment in her lecture, her hand moving automatically toward the chalk erasure. Her fingers brushed metal and her eyes saw an absent seat.

“Check.”

A piece moved.

You let out a breath.

“Checkmate.”

Mr. Lee leaned back in his chair, his arms crossing over his bloated stomach. He said nothing, instead pulling out a rectangular box from his back pocket.

“I know all the pieces now.” You stood up, your arms bracing yourself against the table. “And how they move.”

Again, he refused to answer. His muscled, long fingers nimbly hooked under the latch on the cigarette box. You watched as Mr. Lee lit the cigarette and turned away.

Your internal question remained unanswered.

“Tomorrow,” he finally replied. “Tomorrow, I’ll properly teach you how to play.”

Your breath hitched in excitement, “Really? You’ll teach me-”

“You should learn the Sicilian Defense,” came his gruff voice. His back remained turned on her. You stood as well, seriousness filling the gap between the two of you.

Mr. Lee finally turned.

“To tell you the truth of it, child…” His lips curved upward. “You’re astounding.”

It was the national championship. Reporters and news outlets were crawling around everywhere, shoving their microphones into every chess player’s face. Soonyoung smirked in amusement, letting his gaze drop back down onto the chessboard in front of him.

“Oh, you moved already?”

Chan huffed, “It’s been two minutes, you’re gonna run out of time at this point.”

Soonyoung chuckled, sliding a piece away from him. His aura remained confident and unsettled by Chan’s warning. “I’d be more worried about yourself, brother.”

Chan’s eyebrows furrowed as he analyzed the board. At first glance, he noticed nothing out of the ordinary. All of his pieces were set in motion and Soonyoung-

His eyes snapped open. Soonyoung was already one step ahead of him. Except this step was a mile in front and already at the finish line.

“H-how did you-” he stuttered in disbelief.

Soonyoung interrupted Chan, “Next move is Anderssen’s mate.” His eyes held a small twinkle of triumph, but anyone who had played Soonyoung before knew that he was never truly surprised about the outcomes of games he played.

Chan let his head hang low in defeat. “Alright, then.” His hand reached up to knock over the long column of his King. “You win.”

A crooked grin spread across the face of the young champion.

“Don’t worry!” He smirked. “You’ll always have next time.”

You had been falling behind in math class. You hardly ever paid attention when you were in class, and when you were out, math was hardly even at the back of your mind. Mr. Lee had gifted you a book to read called Modern Chess Openings. Soon enough, you had mastered not only all of the openings in the book, but also the art of hiding a book under your desk and reading.

One day, Mr. Lee had a visitor in the basement. Another man, leaner and taller than the janitor. He was dressed formally and wore a hat.

“Beth,” Mr. Lee greeted her. “This is Mr. Choi. He’s a representative of the chess club I play at.”

You stared at the stranger, unmoving and unresponsive.

“Hello, (Y/N),” he said, smiling. Mr. Choi was a friendly looking man, youthful too. “Would you care for a game of chess?” He took the chair next to Mr. Lee, long fingers already moving the pieces to their correct positions. His poise was confident and his eyes were shrewd. A completely different player from Mr. Lee was in front of you.

You won in three moves after the opening. Quick and precise, with no room for error. Mr. Lee looked on from the side of the table. His face showed neither surprise nor pride, but his eyebrows stayed furrowed.

“Well,” Mr. Choi raised his gaze from the board, turning his head toward the elder janitor. “She’s exactly how you described, Jihoon. I’m certainly impressed.” You waited patiently, unaware of the relationship between the two men. He turned his attention to the young girl in front of him. “(Y/N), how old are you?”

You answered mechanically, without any hesitation. You remained unfazed, an almost bored tone in your voice. “Nine years old, sir.”

Mr. Choi leaned back in his chair. “Nine years old, huh,” he echoed in disbelief. “That’s amazing. Say,” Mr. Choi reached down beside him. “(Y/N), would you be interested in competing against some other people?” He straightened himself, this time holding something in his hands. “I run a chess club at a high school near here, and I’d love to have you come play with us.”

You stared at him, shock and curiosity filling your gaping mouth. “Me?”

Mr. Choi chuckled, finally bringing up the object in his hands for her to see. “You can think about it for awhile, I’ll also be in contact with your headmistress. In the meantime, here’s a prize for your win. Nine year old girls like dolls, right?”

Your mouth refused to answer. You looked helplessly at Mr. Lee, but his gaze was fixated on the ending board pieces.

“Well then,” Mr. Choi breathed. “I’ll be off.”

You watched as he grabbed his leather briefcase and his hat, then strode straight in between the shelves and up the wooden, creaky stairs. Then, you turned your attention to the doll in front of you.

You hesitantly grabbed the plastic body, running your thumbs over the cheap polyester clothes.

Then, you promptly threw it in the trash.

The next time you saw Mr. Choi was not in the cold basement, but instead, in the headmaster’s office. The headmaster was a bitter woman with strict ideals that were brittle and unbending. You had only met her once, and you had hoped that they would never come so close again.

“Well, Miss (Y/N). Is what Mr. Choi telling me true?” Her wintry voice chilled you down to the bone, leaving your head numb and you palms overheating. Without waiting for a response, Headmaster Kim turned her attention back to Mr. Choi. “Mr. Choi, we appreciate the offer and would love for the orphanage’s many talented students to compete with others, but going to a school by herself? I worry for the child.”

Mr. Choi nods, compromising with a soft tone, “Of course, I will be with her at all times.”

“Hm,” the headmaster pondered. “I’d rather her go with another girl actually.”

He relented immediately. “Absolutely.”

The Headmaster stood up from her seat. “Well then, it’s decided. Young (Y/N) will be accompanied by a fellow student from the orphanage.”

Mr. Choi complied calmly, leaving without another comment. Quietly and rapidly just like the first time you had met him. Your nerves spread out like spindly branches of a tree, bumping against each other until it filled the entire room.

“(Y/N)?”

It was only until the Headmaster called your name that you realized your gaze had dropped to the floor.

“You’ve been playing chess in the basement, I hear.” There was a pause, and you quickly recognized that the woman expected a response. You dipped her head slightly into a nod of acknowledgement. “I must say, playing chess in the basement is highly irregular.” Your heart rate jerked upward. Would the Headmaster forbid you from playing chess? A sense of dread pricked her heart. “Ask Mr. Jun for a chess board from the game closet, I’m sure we have one or two. You can play out in the open from now on.”

A wave of relief crashed over you. “Really?”

The Headmaster dismissed you, “It’s lunch time now. Hurry back to the cafeteria, Miss (Y/N).”

You left without any refusal, your steps hurried and rushed as your shoes clicked against the cement floors.

The cafeteria had its usual vibrations of friendly chatter, and the line to the pill vendor was just as long as the day she arrived. Inching closer and closer to the vendor, you buzzed with anticipation for your daily collection of green pills.

The man slid the snow paper cup toward you, and habitually, you looked inside for the strange green pill among the scarlet ones.

It wasn’t there.

“Where’s the green pill?” you asked, bewildered.

The vendor sighed, clearly annoyed and frustrated with you. His voice was thin and gruff, an unattractive timbre. “New state laws, kid. No more tranquilizers. Now move on, more people waitin’ behind you.”

You furrowed your brow, but moved aside regardless.

That night, you counted the leftover tranquilizers you had saved up. There were only five left. You’d have to ration them and not take them frivolously.

The ceiling remained a blank canvas without its usual checkered illusion projected.

“Chess is getting kind of boring,” Soonyoung noted one day. He was 18 at the time.

Chan glared at him from his peripheral vision. “God damn it, Kwon. Maybe you need to get a life or something.”

He laughed, sweeping the plastic chess pieces off the wooden board. “Are you suggesting a get laid, or that I go on a date? Because both are well within reach.”

Chan grinned cruelly, “Like hell they are. The only thing you’ll ever love more than yourself is chess. As if a girl could even compare.”

Soonyoung rubbed at his nape sheepishly. “Maybe if she was a girl who played chess..”

“Well then you’d just see her as another bad player who couldn’t beat you.”

“Jesus, Chan. Way to make a guy feel motivated,” he sighed. “I guess I’ll just have a steamy date with my chess books instead.”

Chan huffed in annoyance and turned his attention away from the other male.

The drugs didn’t last you until the chess match and you began to feel the effects of it. Or rather, the effects of not having them. You mind would wander during class and you felt sluggish and tired. Ruth noticed.

“What’s going on, cracker? You don’t look so slick.”

It was true. Your hair was unkempt, your eyes were sunken and bruised from insomnia, and you no longer had the energy to hold up a conversation. Ruth sighed and moved closer so that your elbows were brushed up against each other. “It’s because of those green pills, ain’t it?” When you didn’t respond, Ruth huffed. “Alright then, I was gonna help you out with that by sharin’ some of mine, but if you’re gonna be so rude, then I guess I won’t!”

Your head snapped up. “You still have some?” you whispered.

Ruth smirked, her large lips parting to reveal bright white teeth. “Sure I do! Started savin’ these babies up a long time before you did.”

“Can I have some?” you hesitantly asked, your voice was low and soft. It was only a day before the chess game with the high school team and you were slowly going psychotic without the tranquilizers’ help.

Ruth denied you a verbal cue and instead, moved closer to slip two pills into your dress’s pocket.

It was your first time leaving the orphanage ever since you entered through the black, metal gates. Thus, when you, accompanied by Jamie Park, ambled through the high school halls, along with Mr. Choi, you were noticeably a little startled. It was noisy, crowded and ever so chaotic. Kids of all sizes were ravaging the school, lockers were haphazardly open and some closed, there was no sense of the eerie order at the Methuen Home orphanage.

You found that you didn’t mind the disarray much after all.

Mr. Choi led the duo into an empty classroom filled with desks that had been arranged into a circle. Only a few kids lingered in the room. You could count the amount of girls with your fingers. He directed you and Jamie toward the edge of the room.

The pair watched as student after student filed into the room in a steady stream of people, like tap water flowing out until only the last few drops fell.

Mr. Choi stood in the middle of the classroom and spread his arms dramatically. “Welcome, everyone! Today we have a very special guest,” he announced. Mr. Choi motioned toward you. Feeling compelled, you shyly stood and walked forward. “This is Miss (Y/N). You all will be playing a simultaneous against her!” He paused. “Please take your places.”

The students shuffled amongst themselves, the sound of feet thundering crescendo-ed until all of the seats were filled. You looked around at all of the male students seated in front of chess boards, a somber expression pasted on each of their faces. Some even had smirks. You looked up at Mr. Choi, who had a smile on his face.

“Mr. Choi?” you questioned.

He nodded, ushering toward the first board from clockwise motion.

You stepped forward in front of the first board and looked down at the colored pieces in front of her. You took a deep breath, then moved the first piece.

It took only eighty minutes to win every single board, even the high school’s best chess player.

When you returned to Methuen, you first celebrated with Mr. Lee. The janitor had prepared a small treat for you when you returned. To the normal eye, Mr. Lee looked neutral and maybe even a little irritated, but to you, the pride in his eyes were as clear as the squares on the chessboard.

“Honestly, I was most surprised about how bad they are. I mean, they made the most basic mistakes.” You paused to swallow a lump of dark chocolate. “Doubled pawns, queen trades, all of that. It was honestly kinda embarrassing to play against them.”

Mr. Lee didn’t interject your rant, watching as brown spread across your lips to your cheeks. He handed you a napkin and stayed quiet.

“Well,” you stood up, straightening our your skirt. “I’m off now.” The janitor nodded, eyes fixated on the chess pieces on the board as if they were moving by themselves. You looked down at the board and a question naturally floated to the top of her mind. “When’re you going to teach me end game, Mr. Lee?”

Mr. Lee looked up at the nine year old.

“Soon.”

Soonyoung was only 10 when he won his state championship. He won the country’s championship when he was 14.

He lost it when he was 23.

You ran out of the green pills in a day after the chess tournament. Once again, your body was thrown into withdrawal. It felt like a constant yearning for water. Every single day your gaze would linger on the glass jugs of pills behind the windowed divider. It became tantalizing. Each night you would salivate at the thought of breaking in and shoveling those pills into your mouth. It was a heavenly dream that nudged you closer and closer to reality.

It was during class that you found herself passing the open door of the cafeteria. The cafeteria room was a desert and the oasis was straight in front of your very own eyes. Self-control was a feeble wall that disintegrated under the wave of pent up yearning.

Your fingers trembled as you undid the lock, yanking it off and sliding over the divider. It was too easy.

Your heart pounded against the confines of her chest. The adrenaline rushed through your veins and your vision quickly became dizzy.

The second your fingers reached the pills, you were gone.

All those nights of dreams finally came true. You couldn’t even stop her hands from shoveling those pills into your mouth.

You couldn’t even stop as your fingers twitched on the ground, your body pressed against the cold tile floor.

“Rumor has it you were drunk while playing Minghao.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered if I was sober anyway.”

next part: here

tag list: @haotheheckk @svtantalizing

#caratwritersclub #hoshi/reader #seventeen/reader #svt/reader #hoshi angst #hoshi fluff #soonyoung/reader #hoshi #kwon soonyoung #seventeen angst #seventeen fluff #soonyoung fluff #soonyoung angst #g:seventeen #m:hoshi #quillstarters-entry

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televinita · 4 years

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Books Read in 2019: The Why

In a tradition I accidentally started for myself and now quite enjoy, at the end of the year I look back at my reading list and answer the question, why did you read this particular book?

Below, the books are split into groups by target readership age, plus nonfiction at the end. This year I have added the category “how I heard of it” as well, because I just think that info is neat.

FICTION

The Visitor - K.L. Slater. 2018. Read because: Ten episodes of The Good Cop weren't enough, so I tried to find something w/ similar characters, and this looked kinda like "TJ as a slightly more withdrawn weirdo." By the time I realized it wouldn't work due to being British, I was too excited by the prospect of a thriller to stop.

How I heard of it: Googling keywords

Like the Red Panda - Andrea Seigel. 2004. The back cover and first few pages reminded me of a friend I had once.

How I heard of it: Library

The Lost Vintage - Ann Mah. 2018. What's that? You've got some secret family history/a mystery from the past to be solved using old personal papers, including a diary? My jams.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls (4th ed.) - Emilie Autumn. 2017. I googled for books that promised unique formatting/art design, and Emilie Autumn has always been an intriguing enigma to me.

I Heard the Owl Call My Name - Margaret Craven. 1967. I know this title, but not why -- when I tripped over it in the teen* section and saw how tiny it was, I decided to find out what it was about. (*it's there because it's often taught in schools. It's here because its intended audience is adult.)

Escape - Barbara Delinsky. 2011. Went looking for an audiobook -- the cover with a woman standing on a small bridge amidst the woods drew me in (I can't find that cover on the internet though), and the idea of abandoning responsibility and driving off to a small town sounded like my dream.

How I heard of it: Library

Saul and Patsy - Charles Baxter. 2003. Another search result from my attempt to cast Josh Groban in a novel -- Midwestern-set and a man very much in love with his wife, no worries about the relationship being wrecked? Sweet! (though ultimately, I had to mentally recast)

How I heard of it: Googling

California - Edan Lepucki. 2014. Needed an audiobook. The title and green forest cover caught my eye, and the off-the-grid life + promise of a mysterious and possibly suspicious settler community described in the plot appealed to me.

How I heard of it: Library

The Lost Queen of Crocker County - Elizabeth Leiknes. 2018. Woman moves back home to rural Iowa in a book described as a "love letter to the Midwest"? Look at all these good choices.

How I heard of it: Library

All The Things You Are - Declan Hughs. 2014. Was looking for a different book w/ this title, but saw Spooky Dark House cover + wild summary and wanted to know how that could possibly happen / what the explanation was.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

Tumbledown Manor - Helen Brown. 2016. Cover love. A book about restoring a historic family manor?? BRING ME THERE.

How I heard of it: Library

The War Bride's Scrapbook - Caroline Preston. 2017. IT'S LITERALLY A SCRAPBOOK. I loved her other one like this.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day - Winifred Watson. 1938. Rewatched the movie and needed to relive an alternate take immediately (especially for more Michael).

How I heard of it: special features on the DVD

April & Oliver - Tess Callahan. 2009. This just screamed "(slightly less storybook) Ned/Chuck AU!!" [Pushing Daisies] at me. There was semi-platonic comfort-spooning in the second chapter, COME ON.

How I heard of it: Half Price Books

A Short Walk to the Bookshop - Aleksandra Drake. 2019. This looked like an even more solid Ned/Chuck AU, missing only the childhood connection/age similarity, with bonus fave keywords anxiety, widower, bookshop and dog.

How I heard of it: Googling

Girl Last Seen - Nina Laurin. 2017. Recently watched "Captive" and wanted a story of the aftermath from the captive's perspective.

How I heard of it: Goodreads (specifically, I looked up an older book by this title intending to check out related recs, but this came up first)

The Road to Enchantment - Kaya McLaren. 2017. Gorgeous cover/title + "single [pregnant] woman inherits late mother's ranch" = an alternate life I want to try on.

How I heard of it: Library

From Sand and Ash - Amy Harmon. 2016. Love between childhood best friends who can’t (well, aren’t supposed to) touch? Sounds like a Ned/Chuck AU to me!

How I heard of it: a book blog post

My Oxford Year - Julia Whelan. 2018. Always here for age-appropriate student/teacher romances -- I had this one saved for a while -- but read now specifically to cast David Tennant.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Reckoning at Gossamer Pond - Jaime Jo Wright. 2018. There's a mystery from the past being solved in the present. Also, "inherited hoarder's trailer" made me v. curious about what was inside.

How I heard of it: a book blog post

My Husband the Stranger - Rebecca Done. 2017. It's Find Books That Remind Me Of David Tennant's Roles Month, and this was my crack at "Recovery."

How I heard of it: Googling

The House on Foster Hill - Jaime Jo Wright. 2017. Fixing up a spooky abandoned historic house + solving a mystery from the past in the present!

How I heard of it: a book blog post

Broadchurch - Erin Kelly. 2014. Fell in love with the show, had to immediately relive it in text form.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Vanishing - Wendy Webb. 2014. Spooky historic mansion from a reliable author for the spookening season.

How I heard of it: looking up the author’s back catalog

The Scholar - Dervla McTiernan. 2019. The Ruin - Dervla McTiernan. 2018. "Hmmm looks kind of like (Irish) Broadchurch but where the detective character has a girlfriend to fuss over and worry about. Nice." Read out of order because the second one had more girlfriend content, and enjoyed it enough to go back for book 1.

How I heard of it: Googling

The Day She Died - Catriona McPherson. 2014. The cover looked perfect for the Spook Season/gloomy weather. Sign me up for insta-families and murder mysteries w/ MCs in possible danger any day.

How I heard of it: library (literally because it was right next to McTiernan)

Still Missing - Chevy Stevens. 2010. Collecting base material for when I play this scenario (abduction/prolonged captivity and its aftermath) out w/ TV characters I like.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

This Is How You Lose The Time War - Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone. 2019. It sounded EXACTLY like a (genderbent) Doctor/Master or Crowley/Aziraphale relationship.

How I heard of it: a book blog post

The Tale of Halcyon Crane - Wendy Webb. 2010. Wanted an audiobook and I like this author (esp. for spook season).

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

The Child Garden - Catriona McPherson. 2015. I liked her previous book and this setting looked even spookier and more atmospheric.

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

Quiet Neighbors - Catriona McPherson. 2016. One last dip into this author...because what part of "woman gets a job organizing the books in 'the oldest bookshop in a town full of bookshops' + an old cottage to stay in" does not sound like my dream life?

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

Doctor Who: The Nightmare of Black Island - Mike Tucker. 2006. After 2.5 months in a Ten/Rose spiral, the time was nigh to pluck one of their novels I didn’t get around to reading back in my original fandom heyday.

How I heard of it: can't remember

Misery - Stephen King. 1987. I just woke up one day and decided I was in the mood to try this infamous mother of all literary whumps.

How I heard of it: can’t remember

The Whisper Man - Alex North. 2019. Went looking for books that would remind me of the father/son dynamic in "The Escape Artist."

How I heard of it: Googling

Open Your Eyes - Paula Daly. 2018. Second crack at a "Recovery"-shaped novel (it failed instantly because I didn’t take the possibility of diversity into account, but suspense is still a good genre regardless).

How I heard of it: Googling

The Last - Hanna Jameson. 2019. "Dystopian psychological thriller" + the gorgeous hotel on the cover.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

------------------

YOUNG ADULT

Blood Wounds - Susan Beth Pfeffer. 2011. Established quality author + (what I thought was a) thriller premise.

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

Beware That Girl - Teresa Totten. 2016. I wanted an audiobook, and contemporary YA options are limited at the library. The mystery/thriller aspect sounded good enough to spend 8+ hours with.

How I heard of it: library

Trafficked - Kim Purcell. 2012. I am mystified/intrigued by domestic/non-sexual slavery, and have not seen the topic covered in YA.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Wild Bird - Wendelin Van Draanen. 2017. I have long been fascinated by teen reform camps for girls in the wilderness.

How I heard of it: library

The Year of Luminous Love - Lurlene McDaniel. 2013. The Year of Chasing Dreams - Lurlene McDaniel. 2014.

The library didn't have Girl With the Broken Heart, but it did have a fat duology featuring similar elements of horses + tragic illness, and a trio of friends that called to mind Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

The Pull of Gravity - Gae Polisner. 2011. I was looking for quality male friendships, but the male/female friendship + road trip in this search result sounded like I could cast them as teen versions of Survivor contestants. I forget which ones.

How I heard of it: Googling

The Summer of Jordi Perez (and the Best Burger in Los Angeles) - Amy Spalding. 2018. Established quality author + bright cover, cool title, burger quest, MC's love of fashion and job in a clothing store, and summer in L.A. setting

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Tiger Eyes - Judy Blume. 1981. Found out Amy Jo Johnson was the mom in the movie version, decided to read the book as prep since once again, I knew the title, but not why I knew it.

Darius the Great Is Not Okay - Adib Khorram. 2018. I turned the internet upside down in search of books with quality male friendships, and was pointed here.

How I heard of it: Googling

Big Doc's Girl - Mary Medearis. 1941. Went looking for vintage stories of simple country girls who reminded me of Katharine McPhee's character in The House Bunny. (spoiler alert: this was not it even a little bit, why did I think it was)

How I heard of it: Googling

With Malice - Eileen Cook. 2016. Always here for random teen thrillers, including a fictionalized version of Amanda Knox.

How I heard of it: library

The Girls of No Return - Erin Saldin. 2012. Like I said, I'm big on girls reform camps in the wilderness.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Hope Was Here - Joan Bauer. 2000. Needed an audiobook. This one was short and by a proven quality author.

How I heard of it: library

Rules of the Road - Joan Bauer. 1998. Best Foot Forward - Joan Bauer. 2006. Bought the first super-cheap a while ago because of the cover/road trip aspect/fascinating first few pages; read NOW to keep the Bauer train rolling, followed immediately by its sequel.

How I heard of it: Goodwill/Goodreads

Now Is Everything - Amy Giles. 2017. Interesting format, sympathetic-sounding main character (edit: What Makes You Beautiful - Ha Ha Ha version.mp3), potential for a sweet and protective romance.

How I heard of it: library

Radical - E.M. Kokie. 2016. Survivalist/prepper teen? Intriguing and underrepresented concept in YA.

How I heard of it: library

Hit the Road - Caroline B. Cooney. 2006. “It's spring, which means it's time to think about road trips.” Plus I just read a fun teen + old lady on the road book (Rules of the Road). It's thematic.

How I heard of it: library

I Am Still Alive - Kate Alice Marshall. 2018. I dig survival stories, especially in the wilderness, and this one was well recced.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Caged Graves - Dianne K. Salerni. 2013. Spook cover!! I MUST KNOW WHY THERE ARE CAGES OVER THESE GRAVES.

How I heard of it: library

Fancy Free - Betty Cavanna. 1961. Found cheap and will read this author always.

How I heard of it: antique store

Once And For All - Sarah Dessen. 2017. Stubborn determination to complete this author's canon and literally no other reasons.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Wired Man and Other Freaks of Nature - Sashi Kaufman. 2016. People in the Goodreads reviews were mad that the guys were so close yet not gay for each other. That's the very specific male friendship wheelhouse I've been looking for! Plus I know this author can write teen boys in a way I can tolerate.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Field Notes on Love - Jennifer E. Smith. 2019. Needed an audiobook and this was on display at the library; it looked cute and fluffy and I was ready for an antidote to the Dessen book.

How I heard of it: library

Midnight Sun - Trish Cook. 2017. Needed an audiobook and sick!lit seemed the most reliable of my options, given that previews for the movie had looked okay and it was real short.

How I heard of it: library

9 Days and 9 Nights - Katie Cotugno. 2018. Sequel to a book that drove me insane, but where I loved the writing style and was frustratingly fond of the characters so I Had 2 Know what happened next.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Your Destination Is On The Left - Lauren Spieller. 2018. Attractive cover + keywords like "nomadic RV lifestyle," Santa Fe, post-high-school YA, and internship

How I heard of it: library

Weird Girl and What's His Name - Meagan Brothers. 2015. X-Philes?? In MY modern-day YA fiction?? (with a side of inappropriate age-mismatched relationship?) My interest is more likely than you'd think!

How I heard of it: library

All Out of Pretty - Ingrid Palmer. 2018. Attractive design + arresting first page piqued my curiosity

How I heard of it: library

Hitchhike - Isabelle Holland. 1977. Vintage book w/ a puppy on the cover, by an author I like.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Send No Blessings - Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. 1990. Reread from high school after it came up on the What's The Name of That Book? discussion group; felt a strong pull of positive feelings but couldn't remember much.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Year of the Gopher - Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. 1987 Wanted better understanding of the source material before reading an essay about this book and the above in Lost Masterworks of Young Adult Literature.

How I heard of it: another book

Up In Seth's Room - Norma Fox Mazer. 1979 There was an essay about this in Lost Masterworks too. I had read it a long time ago and remembered NOT liking it, but figured I might as well revisit it to review on Goodreads.

How I heard of it: library

Blizzard's Wake - Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. 2002. Happened to be on the shelf when I checked to see what non-Alice books of hers the library had in stock, and figured as long I'm on a Naylor kick, this might as well happen. Mainly ‘cause I saw "deadly blizzard" on the back and was like "WOW this seems useful for my hurt/comfort scenario stockpile."

How I heard of it: library

A Whole New World - Liz Braswell. 2015. Seeing the new Aladdin trailer blew up my heart with FEELINGS for the original, so I went looking for a YA retelling. Can't believe I found an actual Disney-based retelling.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

After the Dancing Days - Margaret I. Rostkowski. 1986. The connection between Roy and the little girl in The Fall reminded me of this book, so I reread it specifically to visualize Andrew as Lee Pace.

How I heard of it: Library

There's Someone Inside Your House - Stephanie Perkins. 2017. I'll read most any teen thriller you throw at me. The more murders the better.

How I heard of it: Library

All the Forever Things - Jolene Perry. 2017. Loved the author's writing style on a previous book, but couldn't stomach the love triangle. Wanted to give her another chance.

How I heard of it: Library

Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire Saenz. 2012. Been on my TBR for a while because quality male friendship; read it now to see if I should keep or get rid of the dollar store copy I bought. (answer: get rid of. it's good but not amazing to me personally)

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Hollow Girl - Hillary Monahan. 2017. Violent revenge fantasy against rapists? Especially to save the life of a guy you like who was brutally beaten during your assault? Heck yeah.

How I heard of it: Library

The Opposite of Love - Sarah Lynn Scheerger. 2014. The hurt/comfort potential was off the charts and it vaguely reminded me of Ryan/Marissa (the O.C.).

How I heard of it: Library

Sophomore Year is Greek to Me - Meredith Zeitlin. 2015. It just looked light and cute, like summer.

How I heard of it: Library

Girl Online On Tour - Zoe Sugg. 2015. Girl Online Going Solo - Zoe Sugg. 2016. Two sequels to a book I enjoyed.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Plague Land - Alex Scarrow. 2017. Plague Land Reborn - Alex Scarrow. 2018. Always here for illness-based apocalypse/dystopia. Would have finished the trilogy but library doesn’t have book 3 yet.

How I heard of it: Library

Pretty Fierce - Kieran Scott. 2017. Spy daughter of spies running for her life along w/ doting boyfriend (named Oliver, a name that has never let me down in fiction)? The ship radar is sounding OFF.

How I heard of it: Library

The Leaving - Lynn Hall. 1980. Will read any LH book, but this one was small and easy to take on an overnight trip plus everything about the summary and first couple of pages drew me in.

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

Speed of Life - J.M. Kelly. 2016. Beautiful cover, blue collar family, unusual premise (twin sisters co-parenting the baby one of them had, no dad in sight), and I love stories where teens are (essentially) head of household.

How I heard of it: Thrift Books

Freshman Year and Other Unnatural Disasters - Meredith Zeitlin. 2012. Looked light and cute, because it's back-to-school time and lately I've been enjoying study blogs from people just starting high school.

How I heard of it: Library

The Land of 10,000 Madonnas - Kate Hattemer. 2016. Unsupervised teens a-wanderin' through Europe? Sign me up for that vicarious wanderlust.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

A Thousand Boy Kisses - Tillie Cole. 2016. A romance w/ astronomical hurt/comfort potential. (spoiler alert it’s too sickly saccharine even for me)

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Hooked - Catherine Greenman. 2011. Random reread of a book I had come to believe should have been 4 stars rather than 3, but couldn’t remember well enough to feel confident in changing the rating without checking first.

How I heard of it: Library

Appaloosa Summer - Tudor Robins. 2014. Horsey YA + after years of it being on my TBR, the author saw me post about this fact and offered to send me a free paperback copy for review.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

I Stop Somewhere - T.E. Carter. 2018. I too identified as a girl my classmates would never notice was missing (moreso in college, but still). Plus it's getting close to Halloween, so time for spooky/true-crime-esque reads.

How I heard of it: library

What Waits in the Woods - Kieran Scott. 2015. An ideal spook setting for the spook season!

How I heard of it: Library

Illuminae - Amie Kaufman & Jay Kristoff. 2015. The formatting/art design just sounded cool and unique.

How I heard of it: a book blog post

Boot Camp - Todd Strasser. 2006. I went to the library to check out a different book of his, but this caught my eye because WHUMPITY WHUMP (with a side of pining for the teacher he had previously been in a relationship with).

The Last Trip of the Magi - Michael Lorinser. 2012. Picked up cheap at a book sale for the struggling-to-survive-a-winter-night-outside aspect.

A List of Cages - Robin Roe. 2017. Male friendship loaded with hurt/comfort.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

-------

MIDDLE GRADE

Sparrow Road - Sheila O'Connor. 2011. The setting -- an artist's retreat at an old mansion on sprawling estate grounds formerly used as an orphanage -- captivated me.

How I heard of it: a Little Free Library (outside of a mansion repurposed as an art council's center, actually)

Annie's Life in Lists - Kristin Mahoney. 2018. I LOVE LISTS.

How I heard of it: library

Hope is a Ferris Wheel - Robin Herrera. 2014. Still grinding my teeth over Dessen's Once and For All, I was desperate for a sweet middle grade story to refresh my palate. Gimme that bright cover. Ooh, and a trailer park kid?

How I heard of it: Library

The Education of Ivy Blake - Ellen Airgood. 2015. Prairie Evers - Ellen Airgood. 2012. Also intended as a Dessen antidote, I picked up the sequel first due to the incredibly charming excerpt on the back, and then fell so in love with the character and writing style I needed more of her world.

How I heard of it: Library

When You Reach Me - Rebecca Stead. 2009. Rave reviews from friends; mystery aspect sounded intriguing.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Counting By 7s - Holly Goldberg Sloan. 2013. Picked up cheap at a fundraiser garage sale I wanted to support; seemed easily readable.

Summerlost - Ally Condie. 2016. Young!Ned/Chuck AU?? (spoiler alert: maybe if it wasn't so boring)

How I heard of it: Googling

Where The Heart Is - Jo Knowles. 2019. "Country girl taking care of the animals at a hobby farm across the road" = the childhood dream and also I wanted to ignore the summary and hope I could still get a Young!Ned/Chuck AU. How I heard of it: Library

The Wizards of Once - Cressida Cowell. 2017. Twice Magic - Cressida Cowell. 2018. First one: David Tennant reads the audiobook, and literally no other reasons.

Second one: Ah heck turns out I kind of loved how David Tennant read that audiobook and want more.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

My Sister Lives on the Mantelpiece - Annabel Pitcher. 2011. David Tennant reads the audiobook, and literally no other reasons.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

----------

NONFICTION

Seinology: The Sociology of Seinfeld - Tim Delaney. 2006. It's sociology, it's Seinfeld, what's not to love?

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Survivor: The Ultimate Game - Mark Burnett. 2000. At the beginning of the year I was obsessed w/ this show like never before, so a detailed recap of one of its seasons seemed like the ticket to complement that.

How I heard of it: Googling

Jungle: A Harrowing True Story of Survival - Yossi Ghinsberg. 1985. Loved the movie, wanted to relive it in text form.

How I heard of it: special features on the DVD

Lost Masterworks of Young Adult Literature - ed. Connie Zitlow. 2002. There was an essay about Send No Blessings in here. If that's the kind of book this book is about, I wanna hear all about it.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

Animals in Young Adult Fiction - Walter Hogan. 2009. From the same publishing line as the above, which I loved, I figured this was even MORE my specialized reading niche.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Phantoms of the Hudson Valley - Monica Randall. 1996. When I have I ever NOT wanted to read about grand mansions of yesteryear -- especially if some are abandoned ruins?

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Seven Cats and the Art of Living - Jo Coudert. 1996. Picked up cheap at a library sale because cats (and the cute author-illustrated cover painting).

Psychic Pets and Spirit Animals: True Stories From The Files of Fate Magazine. 1996. Random reread of a childhood favorite.

How I heard of it: B. Dalton's (THAT’S how long I’ve had this book, y’all).

Extreme Couponing - Joni Meyer-Crothers with Beth Adelman. 2013. Who doesn't love saving money? But I am not very coupon-savvy and wanted to learn.

How I heard of it: Library

Cabin Lessons: A Tale of 2x4s, Blisters and Love - Spike Carlsen. 2015. Having the money/skill to build my own cabin on MN's north shore is a fun daydream.

How I heard of it: Library

The Little Bookstore of Big Stone Gap: A Memoir of Friendship, Community, and the Uncommon Pleasure of a Good Book - Wendy Welch. 2012. Opening a used bookstore is my impractical dream too.

How I heard of it: Library

Belonging: A German Reckons With History and Home - Nora Krug. 2018. Illustrated memoirs are always awesome.

How I heard of it: Library

The Astor Orphan: A Memoir - Alexandra Aldrich. 2013.

Rokeby was one of the estates that fascinated me in Phantoms of the Hudson Valley, and the content of this one took place around the same era that book was written.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

I'll Be There For You: The One About Friends - Kelsey Miller. 2018. Am I going to turn down "a retrospective" about one of my favorite shows?? I am not.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Season Finale: The Unexpected Rise and Fall of the WB & UPN. 2007. Recommended after the above because I love hearing how network TV stations are built in terms of programming decisions.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Paperback Crush: The Totally Radical History of 80s and 90s Teen Fiction - Gabrielle Moss. 2018. Take how I reacted to Lost Masterworks of Young Adult Literature, and multiply it by "fully illustrated with brightly colored pages." These are the kind of books I’m familiar with and always down to talk/hear about, but hardly anyone else is.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

#why i read #queued

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inkofamethyst · 3 years

Text

January 5, 2020

I’m sorry but Kidcore is not cute. not for me. I had to edit that sentence a bit seeing as I wouldn’t want to say anything negative about anyone and honestly? I do empathize with the whole idea of wanting to express yourself in a youthful, childlike manner (note: not childish). Carefree and full of wonder. A bit eccentric by nature.

Anyway I haven’t painted my nails yet and I really want to. Maybe I’ll watch that documentary about the Chinese empress on YouTube that I’ve saved for later while I paint my nails. You know, just me being a girl boss while learning about another girl boss. As one does.

Also I just went and watched Technoblade’s highlights from weeks 2 and 3 (paired with iBallisticSquid and Chris (you know, from MrBeast), respectively) of Minecraft Mondays as well as Technoblade’s analysis of his PvP with Dream (the fight was really high stakes, sure, but I think the only real enjoyment I got out of watching them fight was because the stakes were high. Like,,, Manhunts are so much more entertaining despite having fewer stakes because it’s so variable. And that’s what I’ve enjoyed about watching Technoblade’s PvP in Minecraft Mondays... the situations are always varied. Without that variation, the PvP was just sort of boring. Like, they could’ve had the same fight with no armor and sticks, you know (though! I will say that Techno’s explanation of why having the low ground is better in PvP was pretty cool)?), and while I thoroughly enjoyed both throwbacks, I do think that I gained a better understanding of this thing I learned about when it comes to fiction. People will follow a character who is good at something. Now, I know that Techno is a real person (sort of a character, but you get what I mean: his ability isn’t scripted), but his popularity and prestige comes from the fact that he’s incredibly good at Minecraft. And Dream’s Manhunts are popular for the same reason. And Beth Harmon wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting of a character if she wasn’t insanely good a chess. And we were willing to follow Jack’s character in Lost because he was really good at leading and being a doctor. Same with whatsherface Clarke in The 100. Despite the fact that these characters had negative aspects, and despite the fact that Dream and Techno (and, you know, I could probably put Pewdiepie onto the list, as he’s simply a great entertainer) may exhibit toxic traits at times (I know Techno was the canter of attention in his Minecraft Mondays highlights videos, but it did kind of feel a bit irritating when he would constantly talk over his partner (though maybe that’s an ADHD thing idk)), we continue watching because they’re good at what they do. This doesn’t mean that those people/characters can’t do something unforgivable. We’re all well aware of how Shane Dawson’s career ended in a bang, not a whisper. He was massively popular until all of this stuff came out about his manipulation, pedo stuff, racist stuff, and uh, other things.

Speaking of which,,,,,,,,,,, I literally cannot believe that I regularly watched Shane Dawson’s videos regularly right around the time when I started to get into YouTubers. I likely found out about him through YouTubers React by the FineBros? I accepted so much of what he would say as a joke. Maybe I was laughing uncomfortably at the time? Or maybe I was too young to really understand? Or maybe I just wasn’t watching the videos where the sus stuff was happening? I certainly wasn’t listening to the podcast. I know a lot of the humor on YouTube at that time was super edgy, and I as a fifth grader ate that stuff up. That probably made the digestion of Shane’s content super easy. Idk. A lot of his content I can’t remember (I do remember one video called something like The Hungry Games? and there was also the Shanaynay stuff which totally cracked me up at the time), actually. And like, I’d heard about the racist stuff and I’d heard mentions about the pedo stuff and I think I even remember someone mentioning how he treats and talks about his pets was gross, but I had never put all of those things together because they never came up all at once. I stopped watching Shane well before his conspiracy videos (sometime before he broke up with Lisa, probably, like, back in middle school maybe?), so he wasn’t on my mind at all, you know? Just another YouTuber I used to watch, but his stuff was always very gaudy. idk man. it’s wack. I’d like to think that he couldn’t come back from something like this, but he’s powerful, and his fans, the new ones that hopped on board with the conspiracy videos, like my sister, are still young. So he very well could make a return. I don’t think it’s smart, but he could. Pewdiepie did it, but, then again, Pewdiepie didn’t have years of stuff against him. (Honestly I can’t explain to myself why I’d watch Pewdiepie after he said the n-word, and I certainly don’t want to be an apologist for that, so I’m not even going to say anything along those lines, actually.)

(shout out to D’Angelo Wallace for his incredibly well-researched video on Shane. I never put together the fact that he had done a ton of terrible nonsense and appreciate the time and effort that went into that consolidation video.)

... I don’t know where I was going with that whole YouTuber thing, honestly. It feels a bit rambly. Ah well. That’s just where my head is at right now.

Oh and you know what? I’ve sort of been sleeping on daydreaming (pun... originally not intended but I actually don’t hate it). Like sure, my little slow burn dating fantasy from the other night (that I never actually finished, by the way (but I felt so incredibly embarrassed anytime I’d bring it up in my head that I’ve just had to put it on hold now (yes, I know I’m a baby and that all of this is dumb))) was, like, the first time I’ve done something like that in years, but I think I might have to start myself another good old fashioned self-insert drama piece to help put me to bed at night? Like I know I need to read more, but I can’t stay up reading all night and at some point I’m going to need to get under the covers and I mean you know why don’t I make it fun for myself and tell myself a bedtime story that includes me in it as the main protagonist having adventures and doing swordfights and acting coy around attractive men but pulling back from when they lean in to kiss me because our faces accidentally drew nearer than they’ve ever been to one another and he’s just realized that he might be in love with me but I’m too afraid of falling in love myself and prefer to keep everyone at an arm’s distance (also one of my weird hangups is that I just, like,,,,,,,, like I literally just,,,, like,, I don’t-- it’s just that the entire idea of kissing has weirded me out for a long time now and doesn’t seem to be even remotely enjoyable I mean you’re just exchanging spit and touching tongues and I don’t even like acknowledging that my own spit or tongue exist within my own mouth and I can’t imagine purposefully putting someone else’s mouth on mine on purpose so that we can taste each other’s spit on purpose???? Or do y’all just be out here turning off your taste buds or spit glands while making out and if that’s the case could someone please tell me where that plugin is located because I think I might’ve skipped that dlc during the puberty expansion pack. So. Yeah. Unless I figure out the logistics of kissing (in my head, of course, because I’m not going to be the weirdo who googles how to kiss) that will not be happening in my nighttime bedtime stories. At most we shall hold each other’s hands and gaze into one another’s eyes (I, of course, will turn away, but he’ll grab (bad word choice lol) gently pull my face back into place by my chin and I’ll think, yeah, maybe this isn’t so bad), you know, making use of the full extent of my sexuality (this... is only half joking... like I’m definitely not asexual (I thought I was for a while, but no, that was just me being cynical about romance and also trying to repress the fact that I found boys to be very attractive because I was also balancing some serious self-esteem issues (also I found out recently that ace folks apparently don’t even get that flustered, hot feeling that us non-aces do when we look at someone and find them to be attractive)), but I don’t particularly view myself as being a ~sexy~ person capable of exuding sex appeal or however you wanna say it, so holding hands and perhaps using someone as a blanket (or... laying on top of someone and being used as a blanket (albeit a small one)? ... hm. Fantasy unlocked. (sbvjksd hearing someone’s heartbeat while resting on top of them WOW that’s good content)) and other cute things like that is really the limit of what I can imagine myself getting up to in one of these bedtime stories (though, of course, that’s not the point! The point is the adventure and action and political intrigue!!).)

Anyway I’ve gone on about daydreaming far too long and maybe I’m resorting to this because the pandemic has made me feel so alone and isolated that this is what I must do to simulate regular human interaction but uh, oh well. Catch me on Pinterest tonight scrolling through my story prompts board so that I can get that perfect seedling for the bedtime story that will hopefully keep me entertained for the next few nights, at least. I’ll let y’all know how it goes. (It’s cute how I still say “y’all” even though I’m well aware that the only person reading this is me in the future (Hello, Future Nina! Sorry about the chaos! I’m desperately trying to get my life in order!).)

Alright so to finish off the post I’m watching one of Techno’s most recent streams (you know, the one where they interrogated Fundy till he was in tears to get the nether star) and I’ve got a few notes. 1. Tommy just said that L’Manberg was his unfinished symphony. Where have we heard that before??? Hmmm?? WILBUR right before he literally blew it up. This is, frankly, a bit concerning. 2. Techno’s language with Tommy feels very... Dream-esque. Like, when he started talking about how Tubbo/L’Manberg was the source of all his problems to convince him to join him in its destruction. You know, twisting Tommy’s situation to suit his own ends. Talking about how Techno would be Tommy’s friend when literally Tommy is so desperate for friends right now and that is exactly what Dream did albeit for a seemingly more sinister purpose. I don’t think Techno is being ingenuine, nor do I believe Techno would betray Tommy (ugh, I never thought I’d care so much about this dumb British kid, but here we are (also,, I think Tommy is a Marvel fan lolll I love it)), but I do think that Tommy would leave Techno’s side if/once he gets his discs back (I also wish I knew what the big deal was about all this disc stuff, but alas). He’s already said that he doesn’t want to destroy L’Manberg. Well. You know all I really want is more Ghostbur content. I’ve gotten 3.5 minutes total of Wilbur since his death and it’s really just the saddest thing.

Today I’m thankful that my winter class doesn’t seem so bad. I’ve mapped out my assignments so I’ll be doing a bit every day, and it’s really quite manageable, assuming, of course, that I actually stick with my schedule. I’m really trying to stop this whole procrastination thing.

Oh! Oh! Also! I’ve done my makeup two days in a row and wow eyeliner is something else. And I’m not that bad at it! I thought I would be because I never went through that middle school phase where you just wear makeup badly but are practicing so by the senior year of high school you’re killer at it. I’ve also washed my face in the morning, and I’ve gotten dressed in my Chaotic Vintage Time-Travelling Librarian Academia aesthetic as well! And! I’ve made my bed :) All I need to do now is go for a walk before the week ends.

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