My brother in christ, your SON is eating Ativan™ like candy, listening to Rainbow Kitten Surprise and reading NBC’s Hannibal post fall wound care SMUT.
rainbow kitten surprise lyrics are batshit insane like what do you mean “it's second nature to love you, it's first to die” and “was i born a stone? heavy to hold and cold in the hands that you left me to warm in the sun” and “if you really don't mind, take me as i am, take me as i am, when you get a chance, take your time, i understand, believe me when i say i carry all my sins”..... Bitch! 🤯
(I love the secret love letter troupe where Tsukasa's going insane over trying to find his secret admirer and figures out it's Rui because Rui got clumsy in trying to hide his handwriting)
Anyways, me after drawing Ruikasa playfights for the umpteenth time: 🎈🌟
So I was raised Catholic. If you were also "raised Catholic," you know that when somebody says that, they probably mean that they were sold a bill of goods that never delivered. More than that, they watched their parents and grandparents find peace in some religiosity that they could somehow never replicate. As a kid, I wanted to be good. I wanted to go to heaven.
But then I remember the nights in grade school when I would pray rosary after rosary, begging God to let me fall asleep and never wake up. I remember thirteen years of Catholic school that only taught me how to hate myself for who I am and who I love. I remember my mom and dad screaming at me me for asking questions, or for not being just like them. I remember teachers and classmates shaming me for how I dressed, how I ate, what I liked and what I talked about.
I can never go back to being religious. I'm not wired for it, and it is too painful when I try to pray. But my favorite book is still The Brothers Karamazov, and my favorite songs are still the ones that remind me of the little bit of emptiness inside me. It's not a god that I'm missing--its a part of myself, the part that once imagined saints and angels and a heaven above, that had to learn that even if there is a god, I could never have anything to do with it.
I thought I'd share the playlist I just made that touches on these themes. It's kind of a mix between songs about the guilt and tension that comes with losing your religion, the questions you get stuck on, the emptiness or loneliness you're left to cope with, and what it's like being a queer person who was raised to believe that they are broken.