#R:CHTMD

[roses-ruby]

Come home to me...Darling

Jimin x Female Reader (+ Jungkook & Mystery Member)

Ao3 Link

Part 2 of 2 (Part 1)

Genre: Cheating!AU, angst, smut (masturbation and fingering, both female), fluff

Warnings: Masturbation, Fingering, Infidelity, Cursing, Sad, Low self esteem, Mentions of a panic attack, Jimin’s a jerk :(

Word Count: 29,555

Summary: Jimin cheats and you try to make him stay. But whatever you do, it’s never enough.

Tag: @some-random-stranger-007​

A/N: it is finally out now I can go yeet myself into the lake of fire never to return. Can you believe i almost lost this? ahahahaha the level of clownery. Anyway I hate it, so let me know what you think of it. Thank you to @meuurtrierr​ it wouldn’t be possible without her. Edited but I know I missed some shit, also I skimped on the warnings cuz i dont remember what else skskssk do let me know babes mwah Enjoy!

Mondays are the worst.

It’s not enough that you needed to skim through the employee evaluation files in the next 2 hours, but a grueling headache had somehow found a way to attach itself into your brain. Even blinking was painful. You weren’t able to do anything but stare at your desk with little to no energy present in your build. There was a dull lull in the room, and you felt suffocated in your stuffy office. When one of the open file’s papers flutters in front of you is when you manage to snap out of dreamland. Peeking at the desk right outside your office, you let out a sigh of relief at finding the space empty. Finally, you could get up and do something about this headache as well as pour some caffeine into your body.

Usually Yura would gleefully grab it for you, but you felt awkward around her since that day and hadn’t asked anything of her since. It was a bit silly, you don’t know why you were avoiding her exactly. Most likely it was due to not trying out her therapist suggestion yet. But it wasn’t like she was forcing you and it also wasn’t that you didn’t want to go…you were just unsure. You were scared. An unfamiliar person, poking and prodding at you – at your life. Finding and pulling out all the faults in you like weed. Judging you. Your habit of overthinking had already made you fit irrational scenarios inside your head of your ‘sessions’ and how awful they would end up being.

This irrationality also embarrassed you and led you into avoiding Yura.

In a nimble pace, you quickly make your way into the center office filled with cubicles. From there you speedily step your way into the breakroom. Thankfully, it was also empty. It wasn’t like coming here wasn’t unusual for you – you had been in here before you were promoted, albeit just a bit. You weren’t the most extroverted person, and people seemed to always be creating some forms of conversation in here. Which scared you into staying in your cubicle until certain timestamps where you found it vacant. Sighing, you walk to the coffee maker in the corner of the room to find it barren, and you heave a groan as you gather your ingredients for coffee. You didn’t want to stay here in case of running into someone, but life was making everything harder for you as usual. Watching as the coffee hits the pot in the coffee maker, you think back to last night.  

Jimin never made it back home throughout that whole day. That had become a usual occurrence, but it really hit you hard this time because you were aching to sort things out after the clash you both faced. There was a restless ache in your stomach, which you’re sure was the cause in you turning sick today. Last night you had caught the exact moment Jimin figured out that you knew about him and her, his aura completely morphing into something between docile and tense. After he left, you couldn’t sleep for hours, tossing and turning and just waiting for him to come home. The scene kept replaying in your mind and you kept analyzing certain aspects, wishing you had said something better or acted in a compromising manner rather than driving him away. But then he never showed up and you were too afraid to call him back to you. If you went to voicemail yet again, you felt you would go insane.

Though you pondered where he was with exhausted efforts, a dreadful thought told you that you already knew, you just didn’t want to accept it. You hoped it wasn’t true. That he wouldn’t be with Tina – not after last night. Maybe…he was crashing at Jin’s place? …Wait, why didn’t you think of him sooner? Jin, his best friend since he moved to the city, would know where he is! Friends are considered confidantes, aren’t they? It wouldn’t hurt to inquire s few things from Jin, he was always a sweet man. But you didn’t want to force Jimin back to you or anything of the sort, you just wanted to know if he was ok. Hopefully he’ll realize how much you need him, hopefully he’ll come back home to you on his own accord. You were going to give him some time to think, then he’ll surely be back by that day, right?

Hopefully.

As you pour the coffee into your mug, the door creeks open and a citrusy cologne fills the air which pulls you out of your thoughts as you stiffen. Great. Carefully, you turn to see the culprit to be a tall man yawning loudly and stretching his arms while walking towards you. It alarms you that he’s moving straight at you without even realizing, but you don’t make an effort to move. Which ends up with him crashing into you slightly-

“Oh, whoa,” He says as his eyes fly open and he holds onto the small of your back with his warm hand, “Sorry about that, didn’t notice anyone was here!”

No kidding.

Now that he wasn’t scrunching up his expression, you could properly take in his appearance. He had such a soft and youthful face, big doe eyes that seemed to be lit with stars. Everything about him was so round, his nose, his cheeks, his small mouth. Jet black hair covered his forehead and compared to his boyish features, the muscles protruding from his white button up were anything but soft. You felt bad for his shirt, which was straining to hold itself together. There was a small scar on his left cheek, yet another mark amplifying his young features. He seemed to be observing you as well, his eyes a tad bit larger and his hand still on your back.

You clear your throat and straighten your back, looking away from him to the floor.

Breaking out of his daze he retracts his hand immediately, “Oh, sorry!”

That’s when he notices the mug in your hand, then turning to the coffee maker he beams,

“Hey, did you make a fresh brew? That’s awesome, Thanks!”

“It’s no problem.” You say in a small voice

At the moment you desired no conversation with anyone. It felt as if once the tiniest amount of sympathy is thrown in your direction, you become a puddle of pudding into the persons hand. Instead, what you really wanted to do was to stop feeling so weak. Stop relying on them to hold you together, because people leave. Jimin left. Left you to melt into the ground without looking back.  

Right now, you just wanted to be left alone.

But the boy in front of you did not seem to be good at detecting facial cues.  

“Umm…do you work here?” He asks you, and you give him a confused look, “I-I mean, I’ve never seen you around…but it must be because I just started here last week, I’m a new recruit.”

Yura mentioned something about that, but you never actually got a chance to look through the profiles since the Jimin fiasco.

“Is that it?” He asks again, “Are you a new recruit as well?”

“Um...” You wondered how to properly tell the boy that you were his boss. The reason he hasn’t seen you before is because you rarely come out of your office. Unless there’s a big meeting.

“Then you must’ve started today, huh?” He says, a smile on his face displaying his teeth…his bunny teeth. Adorable. “We’re in the same boat then! If you ever need anything, just let me know!”

The expression on him was so pleased, you didn’t have the heart to decline. Didn’t have the heart to walk away or disregard him. So, you just stood there as he introduced himself.

“My name’s Jungkook by the way.”

“_-___.” You respond shyly

“___,” He repeats to himself, scratching the back of his head, “That’s a beautiful name.” He gives you a look that has you blushing as you mumble out a ‘thank you.’  

It was so natural then.

You don’t know how it happened, but you were suddenly thrown into a conversation with your company’s most enthusiastic employee, Jeon Jungkook. At first, you were worried a bit by how young he looks, yet it turned out he was only two years younger than you – and he refused to believe you were older, the brat. He stood there explaining how things work around the office, telling you tall tales about some of the ‘haunted’ conference rooms and scary coworkers to which you were enthralled by, despite being here way longer than him. You found yourself giggling every time he exaggerated a story with his words or eyes.

“So ___, how do you like it here so far?”

“It’s nice,” You respond vaguely, taking another sip of your coffee, “How about you?”

“They really work you to the bone! But I like it, they’re fair with the salary and the donuts here are always so good.” Jungkook beams widely while reaching over to grab one of the chocolate glazed donuts off from the small white box next to the coffee maker.

“Heard the CEO’s batshit though” He says with a mouthful

At that you let out a snort – almost spilling some of your coffee from your mouth, which leads you into covering it with your hand and coughing. It was true, she was a little strange.

“Oops.” Jungkook responds with a mischievous glint in his eye. In return you squint your eyes at him in mock anger as you let out your last cough. He reaches over again and grabs another donut from the box. You wish he would stop doing that, his arm radiated a lot of heat and you were going crazy trying to ignore his scent. Pulling out a second donut, this one with pink frosting and dark red glaze decorated in a zig-zag pattern, he hands it out to you.

“Here,” He says with his bunny teeth displayed.

You give it a long stare before taking it, “Thank you.”

“It’s a peace offering.”

“I see.” You eye the sugary dough and the colorful star sprinkles sticking into the frosting, “Interesting choice.��

“It’s cause that one was pretty.” He pouts

“You gave me a donut because you found it pretty?” You raise an eyebrow at him

Scoffing at your tone, he leans into the countertop and fold his arms, displaying his biceps up in your face. Damn those arms. “And what about it.”

“Nothing,” you giggle, “Just that normal people would give pretty flowers or pretty letters and not…fried dough.”

Jungkook turns silent at that, turning his face toward the ceiling as if in thought. He was making an odd expression, one with his eyebrows drawn in and lips pulled straight, you wondered if this was normally how his face was while thinking. It was kind of funny. But also, very cute.

“You’re right.” He suddenly says

“Hmm?”

“I should get you flowers.”

“…And where would you find flowers in an industrial urban structure?”

To this he removes himself off the counter and turns to you, his height and muscles intimidated you a bit. He was definitely taller than Jimin. “Is that a challenge?”

“Maybe it is.” You say in a low voice, maintaining direct eye contact

“Alright then ___, we may be new here (you internally cringe as he says this) but I bet you I can find you some pretty flowers lurking about in this stale glass cube of a building.”

You laugh at how serious he got – the fiery glint in his eyes, and raise out a hand, “And I bet you won’t!”

Being here three years had taught you quite a lot about this location. The lower floors contained a computer enterprise, and the upper floors remained a basic accounting firm. Grass surrounding the building was patchy and dry thanks to the summer heat. Also, your CEO had a strict pollen allergy, so keeping things like vases to fill with freshly cut daisies in or around the residence was impossible. There was no way he would was going to find any flowers here. It was a bit sad how much you knew about this place, being the only other dwelling you hung out in other than your home. But on the bright side, you were totally gonna win this bet.

“What do I get if I win?” You question as he shakes your hand. Heat immediately shoots down your spine at his touch and you block yourself from shivering by clenching your teeth…he had a very firm grip.

“I’ll be your servant for a week.” He pipes making you raise your brows as you shape your mouth into an ‘o.’ “And what If I win?”

“Hmm…” You hadn’t thought of that because you didn’t think there was any way he could.

“How about if I win, I get your number?”

…

Huh?

Tilting your head, you scrunch your brows. “…Why would you want my number?”  

That confused you.

He gave you a wide eye stare. Did you really just say that? Perhaps you were playing hard to get? Yes…that must be it. No need to feel embarrassed. She didn’t reject you he thinks abashed. While you on the other hand were clueless to his fretful appearance.

“…Um.” Jungkook clears his throat looking down at his shoes. Wait…were Timblands allowed in the uniform? “Just cause.” He mumbles

You dwell on it for a second. You’ve never gave your number to a guy before. It can’t hurt, right? Besides he wasn’t going to win anyway.

“Well, alright.”

He grins at your approval, and you giggle in return. Was he the cutest man, or what?

“You know…you’re very pretty when you laugh.” He says abruptly and that makes you completely drop your mouth. His face flushes and that’s when you notice he still had your hand in his. The sudden awareness makes you pull it back at lightning speed. You try to speak again, but somehow the sound was knocked out of you and the room feels very, very, very, very warm for some reason.  

“I- I should prob-” You point over your shoulder, slowly backing away from the doe-eyed man. “I have work.”

“A-alright…” He scratches the back of his head again. A habit you suppose. “See you around.”

“Yes.” Was the last thing you said before practically sprinting out of the breakroom.

You don’t know how long you spent chatting with Jungkook, but you came back to your office on sore legs. Sitting down on the revolving chair, you spin around a bit feeling bizarrely giddy inside, headache completely forgotten and newly revitalized. As you remember his red cheeks you pull up your arms in front of you. Chills…you had chills. What. Was. That.

Even though your legs hurt from standing, you don’t regret it one bit.  

That was…strange. Never had you been one for conversations, especially not with the other sex. Your husband didn’t seem to like it when you were chatting with another man, so you never tried to. Yet Jungkook…why did you enjoy being around him so much?  

It felt like you were back in high school, talking with the class president you had a huge crush on. Or like the guy from 5th grade who gave you a band aid. And even when you first met Jimin. You’re not sure, but you do know this is the first time in years where you became so smitten with someone so quickly. Jungkook was like a breath of fresh air, you really liked him.

Wait, what?

As soon as you process the weight of your thoughts, you immediately sit up in your chair. No, you couldn’t just have thought of such, right?

You…you were a married woman! Holding up your hand, you stare at your wedding ring while guilt crawls up your spine. This wasn’t right, you shouldn’t be doing this your conscious spoke. Not when your married life was in shambles. Is this who you were? Though, when you really think about it, it wasn’t like you did anything, you were just talking. So why did you feel so bad? Bringing your hand to your chest, you hold onto your ring finger with your other hand and close your eyes. Jimin appears before you, a light smile on his handsome face.

Your heart clenches.

“-ght.”

Just then, you register someone’s voice outside your office, breaking you from your daze. You stiffen, recognizing the soft laughter of your beloved secretary. She must have returned from her lunch break.

These days you had begun to pay Yura special attention.  

It was due to her confession, knowing that she dealt with so much but still managed to be happy – genuinely happy – made you feel…curious. You wanted to understand how she did it, how she managed to deal with life in a better way. And then maybe, just maybe, you could do it too.

Yes, that should be a rational clarification of why you were creeping up to the entrance like a stalker. Calmly stepping up to the see-through door, you hide behind the solid wall to the right of it, peeping your head out to spot Yura. You honestly don’t know what you were wanting to accomplish, but you had been getting yourself involved in a lot of strange situations recently, so it was better not to question it.

She had her back facing you, thankfully, or this would have been even more embarrassing. You stretch your neck out as much as you could, feet planted firmly on the hidden side of the wall. Watching as she stood beyond her desk casually, her phone to her ear while she conversed gently with someone on the other line.

“I’ll pick up some Chinese tonight- no not that one I hate it!” She laughed. “Seriously babe we’ve had that four nights in a row now…okay, okay we had tempura for a whole month because of me I know that!”

It was easy to tell she was talking to her boyfriend. It was just general, everyday stuff but you couldn’t help but feel envious. Yura sounded so content, her boyfriend sounded like he loved her. That was all you’ve ever wanted. How come you’ve never had that?

A grimace falls upon your face. Just what were you doing trying to spy on your secretary? When did you become so pathetic? There was no secret, and if there was, she has told you of it already. The truth was, you were stubborn, unwilling to change from the old ways as if your conservatism has ever been of any help to you. With a silent sigh, you were about to walk back to your desk when you heard him tell her ‘I love you.’  

In return she giggled, “I know~ See you tonight!”

You stood there stagnant for a bit. After a moment, you smiled, although there was no sign of joy on your face. Really…you were really pathetic.

Once you were at your desk, you eye your bag on the side of your chair’s leg before you pick it up, digging through it until you find what you were searching for. The piece of paper with the number was still in the same state as when she first gave it to you. Albeit crumpled. wouldn’t it have been hard for her to gather up the courage to say something you, her boss, could wrongly take offense over? Which you almost did. You respect her courage, her dedication and determination. When she first joined, you thought she was like you.

You were wrong.

She was stronger than you had ever been.

And instead of dwelling in that bitter pool of jealously you’ve drowned in with so many other women, you respected her. You wanted to learn from her and Irene and any woman in your life that had fought their battles with determination. It was like you said before, you had been getting yourself into strange circumstances lately, so why not this too? Who was here to stop you? Who was here to feel pity for you?

All you wanted was to be happy once again. Just once more.  

You owed it to yourself

Tick…tock…tick…tock…

You sat at the edge of your red seat with your palms holding onto your knees. Uneasiness found a way to penetrate your bones and you sensed a thin layer of perspiration on your hairline as you watch the clock ticking down until your dreaded deadline.

There was a lady situated underneath the clock, an elder woman by maybe a decade. She had soft wrinkles around her eyes and forehead, a bun high on top her head and bright red lipstick on her thin lips. Clacking away at her key board, she would occasionally furrow her brows in concentration at something she was looking at on her computer screen or smile at you if you made eye contact. Didn’t do much to ease your nerves but it still felt nice. The lady reminded you of yourself, and you speculate if this is how people saw you when you were at work.

It had been a couple of days until you managed to call an appointment for a therapy session. The isolation ate away at you after Jimin had been missing for the third day. You desperately wanted to talk to someone about your problems, but Irene was out of town, your husband absent, and you were too shy to seek out Yoongi. Instead of pushing your complications onto others, you thought it was finally time to call in some professional effort. The lady on the phone had been really nice and you were able to set an appointment up fairly quickly. Now you were just sitting here, in the monotone lounge area waiting for the therapist to arrive.

There was quite a bit of research you did beforehand. Turns out, different therapists professionalize different problems. Cognitive therapist help deal with bad thoughts and unclutter daily habits. Family-oriented systems therapist dealt with family related issues. Personal issues are dealt by people who are experts in narrative, behavioral, or solution-oriented therapies. And psychodynamic therapists, like the one you were visiting, dealt with unconscious motivation.

Actually, many therapists deal with many different fields at once, some work in relationship therapy both romantic and platonic while others work only on you – if you choose to keep the people in your life out of your segments. Because of that, it was up to the person seeking out therapy to decide what’s right for them. For instance, if you are someone who always felt closer and comfortable with your dad, then maybe it’s best that you seek out a male therapist. You also had to be meticulous about their personalities.

During your search, you found a person who said their therapist always read their email during sessions on a blog forum. One even said their therapist ate rounds of cheese during theirs! It was extremely uncomfortable to read that. But now you knew there were many things to make sure of, therefore being prepared. Gender, expertise, field of education, professionalism, reviews, trust and even the vibe you get from certain therapists are all important factors in choosing a therapist.  

Researching yours, you found her specialty was in female psychology. Including relationships and intimacy. All reviews on her were positive and you were so glad to read through them. After rounds of self-motivation and days of procrastination, here you were.

It’s quite humorous actually, a month ago you never thought you’d be doing anything like this.  

You just weren’t ever capable, especially not with your level of anxiety. What could it be about the past few weeks that you’ve grown so courageous? Was it the meeting with the stranger on the roof, the discovery of a friend, or empathizing with someone you worked with? But what if it wasn’t a person? Perhaps it was the city’s rapid heart at 3 AM, the wild club and heavy beats or the mundane office life encouraging you to take a step forward. Maybe it the tragedy behind that rainy day you hate to recall and hitting rock bottom with such force. Opening the pandora box? As you struggle to find answers within yourself, you realize Jimin wasn’t the only one confused with your behavior.  

You don’t get to dwell on the past for too long as a door clicks open and lets a slight breeze pull you from your thoughts.  A slender young lady holding a clipboard appears; short brown hair, black kitten heels and thin rimmed glasses sitting on her nose. She looks in your direction and smiles, gesturing for you to come her way.

You get up nervously, wiping your sweaty palms on your pencil skirt. Straightening yourself out, you make your way towards her.

“Hi, you must be ___, correct? I’m Dr. Lin.” She raises her hand and you immediately grab it. Her voice was gentle and steady, you felt actually welcomed.

“Yes, nice to meet you, Doctor.”

“You too.” She smiles, “And please, call me Lin. This way please.”  

She leads you in with her arm on your back, making you effortlessly walk into the sanctuary of her office.  

Once you were inside the room, you gape at her place in awe. It was wide open, there was no way you’d feel suffocated in here as you originally thought. There were large windows, displaying the greenery located at the back of the building. She had two huge shelves filled with colorful books on both ends of her office. In front of the windows rested a large shaggy carpet with a glass coffee table on top. Behind the table were two grey sofa chairs that complimented the fuzzy blue carpeting. And a small desk on the right side next to an office chair where she probably did most of her work. As you hear the door shut behind you, you turn around to catch her eye and she smiles at you.

“Right this way.” She says, walking past you which leads you into following her. When she reaches a chair, she pauses, waiting for you to take a seat first.  

So, you do.

“Well.” She starts, grabbing the pen off her clipboard, “How are you today ___?”

“I-I’m alright.”

Lin raises the corner of her lips “Just alright?”

“Yes…I.” You don’t know what to say. Were you already doing something wrong?

“That’s good,” Lin smiles as she clicks her pen open and jots something down onto her clipboard. “That’s a beautiful ring by the way.”

“O-oh thank you.” You cover your finger with your hand as Lin slightly squints at your action, still writing something.

“So,” She takes a deep breath and put down her pen, “What brings you here today?” Looking back up at you, she beams.

“Um…I needed someone to talk to…”

“Do you not have someone in your life to talk to? Or is it that you don’t feel comfortable confiding in them?”

“Kind of both…I…don’t want to trouble anyone.”

“I see.” She writes something else down

“Now tell me ___...why’re you really here?”

Out of nervousness, you kept messing with your ring and you knew she could tell. So, to distract your hands you needed something else to clutch onto. There was a tall glass of water on the coffee table in front of you. Your doctor notices your staring right away to which she points, “Please, go ahead.”

At her approval you pick up the glass and bring it your lips. After drinking just a bit, you decide to hold it down on your lap. For a second, you just stare as the water softly vibrates inside the clear glass while Lin waits for you to speak up. Is there a right way to tell her? You struggle internally at voicing your problems.

“I-I’ve been married six years…and it’s…I’ve had a hard time.”

“Six years is quite long…most married couples have problems by then.” Lin says, “It’s normal. Going through difficulties ranging from various reasons either with money or fidelity – having ups and downs.”

You take a deep breath trying to keep your heartbeat steady. “I barely remember having an up…”

She stares at you, and you don’t look at her. Instead you stare at the small burgundy table on the side of your sofa. It separated your chair with hers.

“…Can you tell me a bit about your husband, ___? Why don’t start by telling me the last up you do remember?”

At that, you finally look up at her. Was there an up you remember? For a large portion of your life, you had thought that every single moment with Jimin was an up. But when it came down to it, that wasn’t the truth. Jimin spent tremendous amounts of time breaking his promises to you. You actually remember the last promise he kept…how innocent the display of your relationship was back then…

The morning was pure white.  

Or at least it felt like so in your cramped dorm room where you spent another day lying next to the only other body you desired. The craving was an ache on par with stories that are never finished or poems with no end. You wonder if this is how it would always be; you longing for him while being so close, as well as lingering on the edges of how long this would last, when he would get up and leave you. Then you can crave him for an eternity.  

Oh, how you dreaded that day. You couldn’t imagine it, couldn’t fathom it, you couldn’t even conjure up the courage to acknowledge it. But it was inevitable, wasn’t it? Out of the thousands who want him, the millions who would do anything for him – what could have made you so special?

“What are you staring at?” He asks, softly turning his sleepy eyes to you.

His gaze raises your heartbeat, you feel a blush crawl up your bare spine. He’s been quieter these days, always seeming like he was in a deep stupor. A covered silence behind his beautiful mind. Everything was domestic and wholesome, your mind felt relaxed.  

“I’m looking at my world…” You whisper, close to his ear as your lips brush against the outer lobe.  

For a moment he just stares before he lets out a breathy laugh. “Cheesy.”

You smile, head molding into his shouldering with ease. Sex with him was always like a gentle wave, slowly covering your whole body in its warmth. His body was warmer than your comforter and his skin more alluring than any sight offered to your eyes.

“Says you.”

“Oh?” He quirks an eyebrow up making you nod

“Remember when you took me to the arcade and kept trying to win me that fat round stuffed whale for 2 hours?”

“Pfft, and I never even won that, did I?” He scrunches his nose in mock anger

“Exactly.” You giggle

“Hmm…but do you remember you stood there and encouraged me on the whole time. Didn’t complain once.”

Of course, you remember that day. The heels you wore were so prickly, your feet were sore for a week. Still you didn’t want to discourage Jimin, who was trying so hard for you. Or maybe he was just to immersed in the game, but it didn’t matter. None of that mattered but the fact that Jimin was with you.

“You didn’t complain when my car broke down in the snow on that abandoned road. Nor when I insisted to go see Candyman instead of whatever romcom movie you had in mind… I’ve always love that about you.”

I love that about you.

“How can I ever complain when you’re having fun…I’m not the complaining type of girl anyway.”

“You’re right, you aren’t like the other girls.” Jimin turns to face you completely, a soft grin on your face, “Maybe that’s why I like you too much.”

“R-really?” You flush as he laughs. It was always so easy for him, wasn’t it? “Cheesy.”

“But you love it.” Jimin bites his lower lip and well, you couldn’t deny that. He leans in just then, catching your fleeting eyes before he tenderly connects your lips. You couldn’t deny him then either. Your mouths move in a languid fashion, tongues tasting the deepest corners slowly.

He tasted of honey. That sweet, addictive pleasure.

After a few seconds you both part, Jimin hums with a lazy smirk. Your stares battle infinity before he looks at the clock. “Shit…I should run, my boss needs me to come in early today.”

“Oh, okay.” You say, masking your dejection when he gets up to put his shirt on. Jimin always hated his bosses. Actually, he seemed to have a problem with any figure who displayed authority over him.

“…Jimin…” You call out to him and he looks at you over his shoulder. “You’ll come back tonight, right?”

“…Right.” He says with a smile.

“Promise?” Your voice is so quiet it disappears with the sounds he makes as he shuffles to get up. So you just watch as he gets ready, the yearning in your heart and mind stirring again as you glare a hole into his muscular back. And suddenly he turns, with that same smile on his face. The one that has entrapped your heart many times before.

“I promise.”

And that was the last promise he actually fulfilled.

“That sounds so sweet.” Lin pulls you out from your thoughts and you take notice of the gentle smile gracing your features.

“It was.”

“How long ago was this?” she questions

“…”

“___?”

“Si-…seven years ago”

She frowns, furrowing her eyebrows “And how long have the two of you been married again?”

“Six years.”

“Then what have the last six years been like for you?” She asks softly

“He’s fucking another girl.” You calmly state as the room goes silent. The only thing you could hear were the morning birds outside the window and your sullen breaths. Thinking about the last six years made you upset…you couldn’t do anything to change that. Your grip on the glass becomes tighter, and you notice you’ve left prints again. So, you quickly begin wiping them. “He’s been…fucking other girls.”

…

“…I see…why don’t you start from the beginning.”

And in a moment, you’re spilling it all. Every single tortuous detail from your spousal life. Jimin’s promises, his lies. Every time he shut you down or off. Whenever he created distance. Jessica. Mina. Tina. All of last month, as if it was a story written in a word document. Every single pain you felt. You were crying by the end of it. Both from the searing lump in your throat and from the dreadful feeling of betraying your husband by not keeping your marriage’s confidentiality.  

Why did you always feel so guilty?

You were sobbing into your palm as the doctor offers you a Kleenex. Wiping away at your tears, you take a glimpse at her expression. It had somewhat hardened in what you think is sympathy…but you couldn’t describe it well.

“Is there anyone you’ve spoken to about your husband’s infidelity other than Irene or Yoongi?”

“No.” You sniffle

“What about your mom?”

“I…I barely see her. Last time I t-talked to her was on the phone a year ago…on my birthday. And even if I d-did…I doubt I’d tell her.”

Lin takes a deep breath, “I see.” She commences to write something down once again on her clipboard. “Infidelity can be damaging in all sorts of way to an individual…especially to one’s self confidence.”

She looks at you “Do you feel that you have lost your sense of self-worth?”

“I wouldn’t know…I’m not sure I ever had any.”

This time, she takes off her glasses to hold in her fingers as she rests her knuckles under her jaw.

“While you’ve been here, I noticed you gave vague and short replies as if you didn’t want to talk in the first place when that’s exactly what you said you came to do. And you’re sitting at the edge of your seat.” She points at your hips and you immediately look down, “You’re trying to not leave a mark of your presence in the room, just like in the lobby…even the glass…you’ve marked off your prints around three times now?”

Were you really doing all of that? You felt embarrassed.

Her eyes immediately soften, and she speaks in a slower tone, “I just want you to tell me why you keep trying to make yourself as insignificant as possible. Why do you only become full of life at the mention of your husband?”

You wish you had an answer for her, but you don’t. Huh, how funny is it that this is the one time your perfectionism fails you. The one time you fail to provide an answer. Instead you opt to stare at the small table again. There were books on the table…one particular one stacked on top that caught your eye.

Her Body and Other Parties, the title read.

Lin notices where you were gazing off at.  

“…___...can I ask you something private? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

Well she knew so much already. How can yet another intimate fact hurt? So, you nod meekly.

“How is your sex life?”

“Huh?” You make eye contact immediately after processing what she just said

“Can you tell me the last time you made love with Jimin?”

“Uh…um… uh-we haven’t been, I mean I can’t…with him.”

“Why?”

“Because when I tried to…Tina appeared in my head and I just…”

“Alright.” She says, looking ahead as if in thought. “Then when was the last time you were able to?”  

You try to think, “Around 3 months ago.”

“Before Tina then. And you’ve been sexually active occasionally before that, yes?”

“Yes.”

“How was it then? Did he make you feel good?”

“Yes…I think?”

She gives you a certain look, “You think? What do you mean by that?”

“I mean it’s Jimin…everything feels good with Jimin.”

“Were you able to reach an orgasm with Jimin?”

Silence puddles the room.

“No.” You whisper in the smallest voice

“…___, can you tell me how long it has been since your husband gave you an orgasm?”

There’s a strumming inside you and you feel your insides pound. She said you didn’t have to answer right?

“Since…Jessica.” You murmur her name so low you don’t think she heard it. But the way she clicks her pen on tells you otherwise.

“…Can you tell me how many years it has been?”

“…”

“If you don’t want to answer it, that’s all right. We can talk about something else.”

“5 years.”

“…I see…and before that?”

“Before that…I always came before Jimin. It was surreal to have him above me…inside me. I felt so…loved.”

Lin glances out a window for a few seconds, seemingly in thought. Then she brings her attention back onto you. “Has Jimin ever noticed?

You snort at that, to which she raises a brow. Clearing your throat, you speak again.

“No, he hasn’t noticed. I fake them.”

“So, you let him have sex with you, never once felt satisfied and didn’t complain?”

You look down at your glass once again, “I…I didn’t want him to not touch me.”

Lin nods, waiting for you to continue.

“I wanted him to love me…to only look at me. Not being able to cum…is all my fault anyway. Something…must be wrong with me.” You wipe the tears loitering your sockets with your crumpled Kleenex.

“No. This isn’t your fault.” Lin states before she sighs, rubbing at her neck. “I’ve heard that before in a lot of my female patients. Yet it still manages to amaze me.”  

“___,” She addresses you with full attention, making you straighten your spine, “Recently, I have been reading books on female sexuality and happiness. One of them being this-” She picks up the book you were looking at “-‘Her Body and Other Parties’ by Carmen Maria Machado. And I have come to notice a pattern between a woman’s sensuality and her self-esteem.”

Lin pauses, putting the book back down and looking back at you to make sure you were keeping up with her, making you nod in return.

“If I may ask…have you, by chance, brought yourself to an orgasm in the past 5 years?”

“Huh?”  

“Have you ever masturbated?”

“Umm…no…”

“Maybe once when you were a teen? College, perhaps?”

“No.”

Like she had an epiphany she writes down something yet again on her clipboard.  

“Then that’s what I want you to do before our next session. Educate yourself on healthy masturbation.”

Your jaw drops open at her statement, a string of questions leaving your lips. What did she just say? There was no way you’d be capable of doing something like that! You almost died just thinking about-  

“___, I know it seems crazy, but masturbation is directly linked to a women’s mental health. It helps you gain confidence, release stress, produces endorphins and strengthens your immune system. We will be able to find out a lot about you, such as if you are interested in the idea of sex or not, either which is fine. It can also tell us if Jimin’s infidelity has been causing you subconscious psychological damage.”

Your mouth shuts as she lists her reasons.

“You have spent your life, giving yourself away. To your mom, to Jimin, to your work. You spent your life trying to become someone they’d love, that you forgot about who you are. There’s barely any of the real you left inside.” She points at your chest, “I need you to find out what you want, the things you like. The pleasures YOU seek.”

“I want you to learn about yourself. Learn how to properly care for yourself…how to love yourself.”

As her words register in your brain, you think back to a couple days ago. About how you sat with Irene, outside that small café. Not understanding that you genuinely liked cooking, just thought you did it to make your mom or Jimin happy. And about how good it felt, how amazing it was to realize there was a part of your personality not molded from the people who took advantage of you. It was…liberating.

“O…okay, but how do I…I mean my sessions with Jimin were all soft…I’ve never done anything myself before.”

“It’s up to you really…why don’t you start out by using a toy? You’ve missed out for a long while, so yes. I think a toy would help you.” She smiles at you and you want to stuff your face into the couch.

Could today get any stranger?

Suddenly a timer beeps causing Lin to look back at her desk.

“Oh, that’s all the time we have for now ___,” She says standing up, and you rush to stand with her, placing the glass back on the table. “I hope you can successfully complete this task I’ve assigned you, and I’ll meet you the same time next week, alright?”

She extends her hand, and you take it immediately “Umm, yes definitely.”

With the pleasantries out the way, you carefully make your way towards the door. Once you place your palm on the door handle, Lin calls out to you once again,

“Oh, and no thinking about Jimin while completing my assignment! This is about you and only you after all.”

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-”

“Irene, please stop laughing.” You groan into the receiver, pinching the bridge of your nose in embarrassment.

“Sorr-I just ahhahahah, no wait-” She wheezes over the other line. Taking a deep breath, she consoles herself. “Alright, so let me get this straight. I’m out of town for a week and you end up going to a therapist who tells you to jerk yourself off on the first session?”

“Ireeenneee,” You whine, “She’s a smart lady. She’s trying to help me.”

“Oh, she’s definitely trying to help you alright.” Irene snickers and you huff in frustration. Maybe you shouldn’t have called her to tell her about your Saturday night plans.

“Okay, okay, no more jokes. So, are you going to do it?”

“Yes…I mean I don’t know…I’m a bit nervous.”

“You haven’t came in 5 years. As a girl with a healthy libido, that would emotionally damage the hell out of me. Maybe the Doc’s onto something.” Irene states

“You think so?” This is what you wanted as usual. Reassurance.

“I don’t know to be honest…why don’t you try it out and tell me? You sure you bought the right item?”

You stare at the small unwrapped object in front of you. A bullet vibrator. All of that internet searching for a pink oval-shaped ball.

“I…think…” You gulp, becoming slightly intimidated

“Well I think you’re going to have an amazing night my princess.” Irene coos making you blush

“I-I-I am hanging up on you now!” You pout, flustered

“Wait, no I wa-”

With a huff you end the call, throwing your phone off to the side. Again, you were left doing nothing but staring at your toy. It just laid there, staring back at you. The atmosphere of your room felt oddly tense.

“Okay…be gentle.” You whisper to it. It doesn’t respond.

You pick it up carefully, taking off your robe and laying down against your mattress.

…Now what?

You were a grown woman; it was healthy to explore your sexuality. That’s what those internet articles and female magazines told you, all written in a perky tone to somehow connect with the modern working woman. Although you being you, you couldn’t help but point out their spelling mistakes.

That’s not the point, you huff, staring at your ceiling in frustration. What were you supposed to do right now? Your core was exposed to the air, the bullet vibrator stayed stiff in your left palm and you felt kind of ashamed in this position.

No thinking about Jimin, you recall Lin warning you. How were you supposed to do that? Who else would ever make you feel the way Jimin made you feel? Granted, he didn’t actually make you cum in the past few years, making love with him still felt good.

Or at least you think what you had with him felt good. At the times he made love with you, you desperately tried to convince yourself that it was different with you than with Jessica or Mina. That you were special to him and they were just side pieces. It…didn’t really work. Nevertheless, there wasn’t anyone who made you feel as bright as Jimin, no one you made you flustered and left you stuttering.

Well except maybe Irene and her smart mouth.

You giggle as you think of your friend. Before you begin to ponder on the subject a bit too long. Irene did have a pretty mouth. Her lips were always so cherry red and eyes foxy and seductive. It was always difficult to look at her straight in the face, but she made you sure you did no matter what. She was so assertive.

It was then, when you were dreaming about her intense ogling that your hips shifted slightly, your exposed core aching. H…How would Irene feel around your…your…

“Ah-” You moaned, your arm sliding down until your fingers made contact with your folds. Your eyes were closed so you could better picture her jet-black hair, the lax strands perfectly framing her small face. Your mouth was shaped as an O, as your fingers brushed through your folds, sliding them across the lax skin, before stretching them open, becoming wetter by the second.

“Nn-ahh.” You cry out softly as you rub around your clit. Your mind filling with a deep haze. This was so strange, you’ve never thought of women this way. But then again, you haven’t thought of anyone this way except for your husband.

“Nuh uh~” You hear the tender tone of a feminine voice echo, and you strain to look between your thighs to spot your smirking vixen of a best friend, “No thinking of him here.”

She coos before she tips her tongue out, her face dropping into your middle. Whimpering loudly, you arch your back off the bed as you feel her take you into her mouth, wet muscle playing around with your juices. She slid it up, down and across, pinch your nipple as she sucked on your nectar.

“oh my- I-Ire-” You hear her snicker, her laughter shooting straight through your spine. While still in a foggy daze, you squeeze the vibrator in your left palm, before pressing the small power button with your thumb. Your breathing was heavy, the device buzzing slightly in your hand as you brought it down.

For a moment you hesitated, the object’s frequency intimidating you. So, with a deep breath, you shut your lids, connecting the vibrator with your clit. Immediately a wave of pleasure washed over you, your eyes shot open as you groaned. It was as if Irene’s tongue was molded to the shape deep inside of you. Your body raised in temperature.  

Although only connected to one part, you could feel the toy course throughout every limb. It left you shivering as you clutched the bedsheet beside your hips with your wet digits. You could feel your thighs, drenched in your sweetness, the air around them cooler, softer. Irene’s tongue increased in speed, sending your mind spiraling.

“O-OH mm-” You don’t know why you were trying to hold back your voice, but you couldn’t help it for some reason.

“Don’t hold back.” You suddenly hear, and you break out of your bewilderment to find another person on top of you. Shadowing over you was straight black hair, lusting doe eyes and soft rabbit features passionately regarding you. “I want to hear you.” He whispers as his large arms enclose around your head.

Why was he here?

Did you somehow want him to be here? You didn’t know. All you did know was that there was a knot forming inside of you, coiling around your insides with a viper like grip as you continued to fall into his stare. It felt so good, so euphoric. The pleasure was addicting.

You felt like you were going crazy, fingers slowly linking to your cunt once again. Rubbing circles as the device vibrated through your bundle of nerves. This wasn’t right, you shouldn’t be thinking about him. But the heat from his body made you feel lightheaded, whimpers escaping you like crazy. It was so wrong, but you felt so good in the moment.

“You’re so pretty like this.” Jungkook murmurs, moving away your hair sticking to your face. In a second Jungkook took the device away from you, winking at you. Confused, you tilted your head at him on the pillow before your eyes suddenly rolled into the back of your head.

He amped the vibration, placing the toy halfway inside of you. Your hips moved off the bed, fingers leaking wet with your nectar as you played with your clit. You wanted him inside of you so bad. It’s not that you wanted to conceive this very image, the sane you would never ever do something like this but fuck you don’t know what the fuck was wrong with you in that moment. And you didn’t care.

You imagine Jungkook drilling inside you, his fat dick ripping through your insides as the bed shook with every thrust. That was all it took to push you over the edge. And soon you were cumming, screaming out his name.

“J-Jungkook, yes! Oh God!”  

A heavy wave of pleasure washes over you, stars obstructing your sight. Your mouth hung open as your pussy convulsed. Shuddering through the tremendous sensation, you fall back onto the mattress with a thump, and the toy helps you ride out your orgasm.

“Haah...haa...”

BzzzBzzz

The only noises that were left were of your excessive breathing and the strumming of the bullet vibrator. It felt like all your energy had suddenly left you, you forgot how powerful orgasms were until now. Soon finding it to be painful, you remove the toy from inside you, pressing the power button as you hold it up to your face. It was sticky wet, your juices smothered around the pink device like glaze.

Glazed donuts.  

Blushing, you throw it to the side, still trying to process everything that just occurred. Wow. That was…Irene…and then Jungkook. You jump around, squealing into your pillow. What just happened?! Why did you imagine those two out of everyone? How will you ever face them again?

Even after everything was done, you couldn’t help the way your body felt so thrilled and satisfied. For some reason, you felt like you were floating on cloud 9. It felt so out of place, you hadn’t felt this way with Jimin ever. Not even on your best days. Who knew something so taboo could turn you on so much?  

Fuck.

You turn so your back rested against the bed again, before slamming your hands onto your face. Were you going to have to explain all of this to your therapist? No way were you going to tell her who you jacked off to. As you were overthinking and worrying about your near future, you suddenly began to feel very drained and numb. You blinked lazily, the familiar weariness akin to sleep.  

It took you by surprise, you hadn’t been able to fall asleep without sleeping pills for a long time now. As you bring your arms back down to look at the ceiling, you’re faced with your empty bedroom one again. Jimin had always been gentle with you, hadn’t he? It was another reason you loved him as much as you did. When you both made love, it felt like he could never hurt you.

Reality kicks in and a longing surrounds you. It was inevitable, you were bound to remember him again. You couldn’t help but wish your husband was here with you to share your happiness.

You wish he was here with you to see your growth, to be proud of you. You wish he was here with you and you couldn’t help but feel that yearning for him like you’ve always felt. You really wish he could love you. Looks like you hadn’t exactly passed this task, since you weren’t supposed to think about Jimin but you didn’t care. More than anything, you wanted him home.

Old habits don’t just die after one success.

So, as the thought of your vacant house infected you, before you could dwell on the topic further. Before you took another pill, feeding your insides with your own poison. Become a moping drone, a sickened shell once again, you shut your eyes. Blocked out the evil world before you and relaxed every muscle, every scar in your brain. It was the only thing you could think of doing. Thankfully your spent energy agrees with you.

Before Jimin could take over you once more, without ever lifting a muscle.

You fell asleep, letting yourself feel drained and dreaming of the wedding and the bright shore.

It was inevitable.

Your eyes flutter open to a soft white room. The sunlight was peeking through the curtains, lighting up the canvas across your orbs. You wriggle your toes about, slowly seeping into full conscious.

Once you can make out the ceiling above you, you stretch your muscles before sitting up.

“Ji-”

Turning on your side, you place your palm down on the cotton sheets beside you. A palm you meant to place on a body that was meant to be on the bed. Beside you.

“Right.” You whisper, staring at the cold spring empty of life and bringing your hand back to your lap.

No one’s there.

Sighing, you swing your legs off the bed and onto the floor – the fluffy carpet molding into your feet. You push yourself up, the action causing the sheets to slither off your naked body and expose your nipples to the chill atmosphere. Again, you stretch your tendons, raising your arms above your head and lifting the bottom soles of your feet off the ground. Your back curves and your eyes clenched shut. It’s been a while since you had fell asleep without pills.

Blinking lazily at nothing in particular, you sluggishly turn your body to the direction of the bathroom. You begin to saunter across your room, reveling in the peaceful silence of a sunny Sunday. As you’re a few steps from the door, your gaze catches onto the full-length body mirror set just aside.

It makes you halt in your tracks. A moment passes by before you step closer to your reflection in fascination.

Have you always looked like this?

Is this the way your hair falls over you face? You think as you run your fingers through your soft locks – bringing forward a single strand to the front of your face to focus in on. Slowly your gaze falls back to the mirror and you tilt your head. Sliding your digits onto your face, the tips of your pointer and middle fingers caressing the peak of your nose, gradually underneath your jaw and upon your neck.

Is this how your body was shaped?

You take it all in. Captivated by the glowing expanse of your silky skin, the gentle rhythm of your chest, and the highs of your curves you ran a palm over. Shuddering as a strangely new sensation waltzes within you. The sun’s rays wrap around you like gold, highlighting every mole and freckle settled into your casing. Scars and marks from forgotten memories finding shelter under the spotlight. Every secret exposed in the flare of the replication. It felt like you had just stepped out of a decaying cocoon – stitched together by the molding twined fabric of your uncertainties.

And the you who emerged shone.

There were sparks of glitter all around you. Tiny angels spinning threads of new-found purity onto the secret corners of your soul.

A once caged bird, with virginal wings as large as her innocent heart. Who wears her crown fragile; while her refined mind heals from the battles with the toxicity in amour. Her beauty is an ode to the agile cosmic, lucky enough to hold her able within its seams. Your dimensions were your unique, the line between pleasure and hurt fitted across your stomach.

It was beautifully raw outside that rotten cocoon. You spread your arms out, relishing in the way your body weaves between space and time as your insides melt perfectly into the shape of your skin. Every bone, every ounce of lush, the fruits of your divine frame. The mountains and hills spread amongst your flesh – the caves and burrows layered one on top of the other.  It was all beautiful. Raw, real and radiant. Like a pallet with too many colors splattered amongst the wood, splashes from aches and pain and memories and gain.

Your pallet.

As the pearls of your pupils rake through your figure, they suddenly land on your unclothed core. You let out a shaky exhale, eyes glossing and lashes fluttering. Carefully you guide your hand to your lower region until your fingers make contact with your wet folds. A shiver runs through you, goosebumps poking through your soft pores. Awakening the images of last night; of the whimpers and aches. Of the satisfaction and the explosion of your confined stellar.

This was you. Your perfect frame, your flawless physique, your structured identity.

Was it the early morning air? The first good sleep in years? Or the sensual night before?

…Did it matter?

A smile graces your lips as you wrap your arms around yourself. The slick from your nether regions painted amongst your fingers staining the upper part of your left arm.

You were just happy to be awake.

_

“They’re pretty, right?”

He holds up the peonies clutched in his hand at you, tilting his head so you could see him just behind the stunning flowers. He was everything for you; your energy, your medicine, your happiness. You wanted to melt.

“Yes.” You reply, trying to sound happy; less depressed.

He frowns and it goes straight to your heart, “Sorry”

“For?” He asks, throwing the plant on the couch. Not making eye contact.

Suddenly you wanted to cry. You’re too sensitive to all of his emotions and he knows it. Uses it to his pleasure. It was amazing – how some words had so much power over you.

For being sad. For not living up to your expectations.

“I love them Jimin.” You smile, placing your hands on each side of his face and turning him to you. “I love you.”

And he’s happy. The sun is back on his face.

On the other hand, you feel like the unlit side of the moon. Especially when Jimin engulfs you in a smothering hug.

“That’s what I wanted to hear.”

From me or Jessica? You think. It had only been a week since the dire revelation and your insides were crumbling. He had sex with you time and time again, but you felt nothing. Something was wrong with you, but you didn’t want to tell him.

You wanted him to be happy. Even if you hated yourself.

As you fit into his arms, you stare at your reflection in the mirror on the back wall. How ugly…how unworthy. No wonder he cheated on you. No wonder he found someone better.

He loves you too, he says.

But you couldn’t help hate yourself.

Ok. What the hell was a T-front string?

You squint your eyes at the screen, rereading Irene’s text for the tenth time.  

Your heels were clacking the floor below you, as you speed walked through the mall with a small giftbag in hand. A while after your little intimate moment with yourself, you had called up your friend to speak to her about the rejuvenation you experienced in excitement. She was very happy for you, giggling through the receiver like a child. It made you smile.

Although, no matter how much she pestered you, you refused to spill the beans about who you ended up jerking off about. Irene was persistent, naming off every actor and model she knew. And you on the other hand had no idea who half of them were. Thankfully, she couldn’t get you to spill the beans. You dreaded her reaction if she ever did find out.

After warding off her interrogation and chatting about something mundane, she had suggested for you to go to the mall so she can help you find some useful ‘items’ for women since you had nothing else planned. Your interest was piqued, thinking it might be items such as the world’s most comfortable bra or scrunchies that never go missing. Yet as you parked your car in the lot, and tentatively made your way inside – you had given up all hope for your superpowered hair ties.

None of the items Irene had been texting you made any sense.  

‘Double D Balls Dildo. Make sure the balls are squishy!’    

‘Shower Sex Foothold. Very useful for shaving your legs. Other things as well I guess.’

???

In an array of confusion, you had gone up to a random employee to ask him what exactly Doc Johnson’s “The Fist” was. The paling look he gave you in return has you traumatized for life. Never again would you ask anyone to explain anything Irene tells you.

As she continued to text you severe objects to buy, you just shook your head while buying a little something of your own. Letting her think you were following what she said of course. You could just imagine the look on her face, the tiny snicker as she continues to lightheartedly play around with your innocence. There was a small jewelry shop you loved in this mall, one Jimin would bring you to after he got a promotion or when it was your birthday.

You bought a small bracelet for Irene from said shop; to thank her for her friendship and for listening to you mope about Jimin. Satisfied with your purchase, and only this purchase – you decided to head out of the place. Your legs were practically running out of the mall, trying to get back home. It’s actually been like this for the past few days.

Since he disappeared.

Every time you stepped out of your apartment, even for a few minutes, you would rush back at twice the speed. It was as if…you were hoping that once you step inside. Once you’re in the sanctuary of your house, he’d be there too. He’d turn around and you could run into his warm arms again. And he’d promise you – genuinely promise – he’ll never leave again. Ever. It was a fairytale reunion made for a dreamy girl. Ridiculous, but you still wished it to be true.

For some reason, you were especially eager to get home today. Even more than usual. When you made it to the first floor and could see the doors you came in from, your phone abruptly buzzed again. Huffing, you open the device, trying to see what nonsense Irene sent you this time.  

You were too busy checking your phone to see where you were going. Your legs were rushing a bit too much to notice the other pairs of legs walking in your direction.

“Whoa-”

“Oww-”

That’s when you ended up bumping into another body with a small thud. The phone in your hand crashing onto the ground, sliding away from your peripheral vision on the floor. Both of you wobbled around a bit but grabbed onto the others arms to seek balance. Once you stood sturdy, you immediately searched around for your missing phone with your head turning about in a frenzy. It didn’t take you long to spot it as it didn’t travel too far, ending up right next to the girl’s leg. In relief you sigh, bending down to pick it up to brush the specks of dust and surveille the damage. The girl on your arm doesn’t move an inch, like she was frozen in place.

After you’ve made sure it’s not broken and everything was working properly, you smiled. Looking up at the girl to apologize.

“Oh, I’m sorr-”

A gasp escapes your throat.

Your eyes instantly widen – in an eerily painful way as your jaw fails you. Your insides plummet with a chaotic mix of anger, confusion, and dread swirling through you – thundering up a storm that has you stagnant. The atmosphere takes a sudden drop in temperature and a chill runs down your spine at the cold air. Subconsciously, you take a step back. Away from the sight before you.

“H-hey ___, long time no see.”

In return, the girl stands there in as much discomfort and anxiousness as you. Shifting on her feet, she sends you an awkward smile. A smile you were used to seeing daily at one point in your life. A smile you grew to reluctantly dislike over the years. Your muscles start to constrict.

“Mina.” A whisper leaks from your lips.

Clink, clank.

You listen in to the busy atmosphere surrounding you while sitting still in your wooden seat. Waitresses passing by, the small chatter, the clinging and clanging of cups and forks. It was all more interesting to you than the predicament at hand right now. There was nothing to really focus in on, except the table in front of you and its stiff glass casing. Which you were eyeing with lasers shooting out of your orbs.

The tension in the air was thick.

And the girl sitting opposite to you was looking at you a bit too anxiously, failing to be subtle with her regard. You could tell she was playing with her fingers underneath the table, a habit you had noticed many times before. Almost four years ago.

“H..how have you been?” She starts, making you look up at her.

As soon as you acknowledge her, her face drops. Like she was afraid of your judgement. She clears her throat.  

“I-it’s nice to see you again…” She strains, “After all these years…you look great.”

There’s an awkward silence that goes by as you’re slow to register her words. It was as if your brain doesn’t want to recognize the situation you’re in – trying to run away from you rather than recall any more past memories.

“It’s been quite long.” You manage to make out, “I’ve been well.”

Why did you lie to her? Were you that afraid of her finding out the truth?

“T-that’s good.” Mina replies a bit too fast.

…

Another awkward silence engulfs your vicinity as you both proceed to poke holes through the table.

“All right, here you are!” A shout wakes you both, making your shoulders jump. “One glass of water and one small coffee, one cream and two sugars.”

A lady places down your coffee cup in front of you, and you exhale at the balmy steam warming up your otherwise cold face.

“Anything else?” She chirps with a small tray in hand

“That’ll be all, thank you.” Mina responds to which the lady nods and leaves with a smile

Mina watches you as you stir your coffee mindlessly. You could tell there was a lot running through her mind like you.  

She hasn’t changed much. Just a couple of alters you could spot. Like how her hair’s a bit longer now, reaching just above the conjecture between her neck and her shoulder and dyed a darker color. A few more piercings graced the left side of her ear now. There was also a small tattoo on her ring finger – some sort of symbol in a mix of purple and red. On the other hand, her style hadn’t changed at all. She still wore those oversized black hoodies and white sneakers. You hide a smile as her dark top almost drowns her.

Mina was as beautiful as you remember.

Suddenly, she huffs, picking up her water.  

Gulp, gulp, gulp

You gape at her with wide eyes as she drinks the whole glass in one go. She sets it down with a clang, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Then her orbs connect with yours, as she continues to stareat you with an unreadable expression. For a second, you catch her regarding the gift bag by your side.

“___, I-” She starts off strong, faced focused and seeming like she knows what she’s going to say.

But as her linger remains, she loses her grip – mouth slacking and concentrated expression failing.

“I…”

“What is it?” You say in a low yet clear tone of voice

“I…God! I don’t know how to say this!” She places her elbows on the table, burrowing her face into her palms. Her outburst turns a few heads to which you shift uncomfortably to.

“Are you alright?” You reach over and place a hand on her wrist, which has her removing her hand covering her face to stare at the place you were touching her. She spots your ring.

“Are you still with Jimin?” She whispers

“…yes.” You say, although it’s not exactly the truth.

You retract your hand and her eyes follow it till they land back on you.

“How is he?” Mina asks, even quieter than before

“He’s well.” You’re not sure how else to answer. Honestly, you didn’t even want to answer.

She scoffs, “Good for him.”

The hate in her tone catches you off guard, your eyebrows furrowing as you stare at the now frowning girl.

“…Wha-”

“Good for him. Park Jimin. Great. Wonderful. Of fucking course he’d be well, he’s the one and only Park Jimin. The nicest guy in the world. Light of everyone’s fucking life. Sweet, kind, charming Park Jimin. Let me go jump off a cliff.”

She spits each word with abhorrence laced in her tongue. Her eyes squint in anger and her fist clenches the ends of her long sleeves. You sit there, shocked and confused.

When she notices the expression on your face, she unwinds. Moving her arms off the table and sitting up.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you…I just…” Taking a deep breath, she closes here eyes to contemplate something. Before looking up at you once again, “I always wanted to apologize for what I did to you.”

…

A third silence passes you both. Your brain was now fully awake and taking in each and every word.

“There’s not a day I don’t think about it…what I did to you…the mistakes I’ve made.” Mina’s voice cracks halfway as her eyes become glossy. For some reason, your chest starts to ache. “I regretted it every single day ever since you left. And I always, always wanted to talk to you one last time. I-if that’s okay with you?”

She halts to study your reaction. You nod, urging her to continue.

“…It’s not a secret – what I did over the course of half a year. What I allowed to happen…” She sniffles, staring at the gift bag as a tear falls down her eye. “It’s just…you meet this guy, right? A polite, charming, extraordinarily handsome guy, and he’s great. And he’s married which is also great but-”

“He sees you, like…he actually sees you for you and he befriends you. And he doesn’t tell you to change unlike other guys. He doesn’t turn his nose up at your quirks and doesn’t hold animosity in his eyes. He tells you his secrets…or what you think are his secrets and he appreciates you.”

She takes a deep breath, her nose running and cheeks rosy. Taking a napkin from the table’s corner, she wipes the tears littering her face as your own eyes well up. So this was how Jimin was in her mind compared to yours. There were a lot of similarities and a lot of differences.

“And so,” Mina strains, “You fall for him. Even though it’s wrong and even though he’s m-married. Even though his wife is a wonderful person, y-you fall so, so hard. And when he kisses you while he’s a drunk, giggling, beautiful mess…you don’t stop him.”

You close your eyes as the first tears makes its way down your cheek. Even though there were a lot of differences, the feelings were the same.

“Y-you don’t stop after the first time. Nor after the second and then the third… and it just keeps going on and on and on. Until it’s too late to stop. Even though the guilt eats you alive. Even though you stop eating and stop sleeping and no one can see the bags under your eyes, when he smiles at you-”

Mina shows you a pained smile, “When he smiles at you, and his eyes crinkle and his nose buttons. You think it’s all – the pain, the secrets – it’s all worth it. Because you just feel so damn special for some reason. So, you throw yourself down the drain, become the woman you never wanted in a relationship that would never go anywhere. You lie until your teeth start rotting and hide until the shame stops consuming your heart.”

You wipe your tears with the back of your hand, trying to calm your senses by pursing your lips.

“Then one day…he tells you he doesn’t need you anymore. That you never meant anything to him and it’s over.” Mina’s stop crying now. She stares at the table once again, this time looking at her reflection in the glass. “And you don’t put up a fight, because you knew this was coming. It was inevitable. A real relationship can never be based on a lie. All you’re left with is the person you’ve become.”

“In the end…all you did was become a liar that hates herself. Someone who hurt a woman who’s been nothing but kind to her. Someone who shut everyone out till the one guy she’s wanted shuts her out… that’s the conclusion.”

You let out a shaky exhale, your body lagging and mind numbing. There’s yet another moment of silence as you process everything you’ve just heard. Your feelings…were just the same.

“I’m sorry.” Your eyes shoot up as Mina speaks up once again, “I’m sorry for what I did to you and for all the things I let happen.”

“I understand if you don’t forgive me. And I understand if you never want to see me again. I…just wanted to tell you that you were great. You were a great wife, and a great friend…a great cook haha...and a great person. You deserved better than all of this. You deserved better than all of us.”

“And...and I know how it feels…I…I dated someone after Jimin… and huh ironically-” Mina lets out a breathless laugh, “He cheated on me… and I know I deserve I-”

“No.” You interrupted her, “No one deserves that.”

Mina pauses as she stares at you, “It really hurts…it’s not just them loving someone else, but them breaking your trust and connection. Completely disregarding your feelings and disrespecting you. And something like that coming from someone you love – someone’s who’s supposed to love you…breaks you apart from the inside. And that’s why I now understand what kind of a person Park Jimin was. A manipulative, lying piece of shit who immediately uses people’s vulnerabilities for his own pleasures.”

…

“I hope one day you’re able to move on from what I’ve done but…I will always carry what I did to you. I’ll continue to fall into toxic relationships and continue to have trust and commitment issues for the rest of my life.”

You frown at the feeble girl in front of you. Was this what you wanted from her? From Jessica? Is this what you want for Tina? Would this satisfy your idea of karma?

“Thank you…for apologizing…for speaking your truth.” You began slowly, Mina’s inflamed face staring at you,  

“I always tried to understand why you did it. How you could do that to me when you’ve met me and knew me and…my head was just a mess for the longest time…but now…I just hope you’re able to move on from this as well…I don’t know if I can truly forgive you but I don’t want to hate you any longer. I spent so much energy trying to hate you and the other girls…I compared myself to you, I looked down on you…I ran away from you.  

“But what was it that you owed me at that my husband didn’t owe me a hundred times more?”

Trying to piece your thoughts together you sigh, “The you I conjured up in my mind was a lot more characterless and viler. But now it just seems like I was trying to blame anybody but Jimin for his own mistakes. That’s the whole idea behind homewrecker, huh? I blamed you, I blamed my mother, I blamed myself. I blamed every single person except Jimin. And I shouldn’t have. There was no one else at greater fault. Not even you… and I no longer want to do that. I no longer want to put the blame on others.”

Mina looks away once her eyes tear up again. Her body felt sore and her insides twisted painfully. There’s no greater pain than the guilt of a woman.

“In the end we were all trying to find our happiness…anyway we could. I guess…we just searched for it in the wrong places.”

The rest of the sudden meet up was spent in silence. This abrupt hush being the last one before you finished your drink and observed the traffic around you. It felt like you both had said what you wanted, like your chests were finally free of such a huge burden. What was left was a empty feeling, satisfying but still an end.

Soon, it was time for goodbyes.

And then there you were, driving home from the longest trip you’ve ever had at a mall. You sat there, steering your car on the road, thinking just one thing. All this time, you’ve remembered nothing but bad things about her. About Jessica. And now about Tina. But what was the point in accusing them?  

What type of satisfaction had you gained from hating other women?

Did it stop your husband from cheating? Did it dissolve his sins?

What sort of people were Jessica and Tina, apart from the characters your imagination had invented?  

There were new questions you needed answers to. And there was just one person who could help you answer them all.

Just one.

Jimin was in the balcony, drinking his night away again.

Tina wouldn’t shut up tonight, he didn’t want to deal with her. But right now, he didn’t have anyone he could trust as much as her so his feet were planted in her damn apartment. As he looks up at the bleary sky, his mind wanders back to you. What were you doing at the moment?

Tsk, he scolds himself then. Why did he always think about you in the end? What did you mean to him? NOTHING. You were a toy. A toy he ended up going overboard with almost 6...no 7 years ago from tomorrow.

A toy that was causing him problems...  

Jin had called this morning. “Why doesn’t your wife know where you are?”

It infuriated him; how dare he be questioned like this. And that bastard was one to talk, he was with Jimin playing wingman anytime Jimin needed a quick fuck. Telling him he knows men shouldn’t be tied down to one woman, that men were made to pump out their population into mankind. So why was everyone acting different now?

Why were you?

He kept you under his control for so long. How did you even find out about Tina?

Why was he?

Jimin couldn’t eat for the past few days. Nothing tasted like your cooking so he couldn’t swallow it down. His sleep was fucked up and he tried to wear himself out going to the gym or having sex with Tina or someone else but nothing worked. If anything, he just felt worse. He kept remembering the cologne you came in with that one night, just which bastard were you fucking?

His grip on the glass beer is so tight, he could hear it crack. No, you couldn’t have. Jimin was sure you wouldn’t even think about another man as long as you had him. Who would?

As his heart continues to ache and yearn without him knowing why, mind numb and limbs sore, his phone begins to ring.

Speak of the devil.

...

You studied the phone in your hand, as your thumb trembled while hovering over his name.  

Why was this so hard? You’ve been upfront with him for a while now. So, what is it about today – this moment particularly – where your insides would rather shut down than hear his voice?

As you once again back out from pressing his name on your phone screen, you huff, sitting up in frustration. It shouldn’t be this hard, it’s really not a big deal. So what if you had no idea where your husband was for the past week? So what if he had his own wife sent to voicemail so many times that she had become too traumatized to call him? And so what if the biggest day of your life was tomorrow and he was still MIA? All you had to do right now, was ask about his location. Drown the wild thoughts and insecurities in your head with confirmation from the love of your life.

He owes you that much.

So, with a loud sigh, you click on his name. Ready to face the truth.

Your gut drops when it rings. Falling deeper and deeper with the first ring.

Second ring.  

Third ring.  

Fou-

“Hello?”

Gasping at the voice, you immediately put your phone next to your ear.

“Y-yes hello?”

“…___.”

You wanted to cry. He actually picked up, he really answered. “J…Jimin.”

Your whole body shivered, as if it remembered Jimin existed. He wasn’t some fever dream you mind conjured up. There was so much you wanted to tell him, which spiked up the adrenaline in your system. Oh, how you longed to speak to him.

“I heard you called Jin…” Was his immediate response. After being away from home for so long, after leaving you in the dark. He was more concerned about you talking to someone about how he left you.

“Yeah…I-I did.”

“Why?” He sounded annoyed

“Because I didn’t know how else to reach you…”

“You shouldn’t have called Jin.” He spoke again, firmly.

Biting your bottom lip, you hold back your tears. Does he think it was easy for you? Doesn’t he realize how embarrassed you were? Can’t he understand that you wouldn’t have called him if he just picked up his phone? Jin’s seen you before, he’s made you laugh before, you know him. He’s a very charming person, it’s why he’s one of Jimin’s few coworkers that you genuinely liked. Also one of the first friends Jimin made when you moved into this city.  

It’s why you were terrified that when you make the call…his high opinion of you would change. That to him you’d look like a pathetic, desperate woman whose husband casted aside. You felt so much shame and if you truly, frantically didn’t need his help, you would have never asked.

Doesn’t he know that? Does he care about you at all?

“I…I’m sorry.” You whisper

He doesn’t respond. No, you didn’t want to blame him.

“Jimin…I’m so sorry for everything…I got ahead of myself. Please Jimin…”

Still, silence.

“Jimin…I don’t know where you are…I don’t know what you’re doing but I know that I love you. I love you and I miss you and I need you so much that it hurts.”

…

“Jimin…would you please…please come home to me? Please.”

“I don’t know, ___.” He responds tiredly, “I just don’t know who you are anymore.”

By now you should have known it was useless for you to hold back tears. “You stood in that altar with me, right? You took my hand and told me you wanted to stay by my side forever. You said forever didn’t you Jimin?”

Again, you shared radio silence and you close your eyes and imagine him. His beautiful self, his past innocence. What should you do to capture his attention?

“I met Mina yesterday.”

At that you hear his breath hitch.

“W-what…where?”

“At the city mall…she’s still as pretty, you know.” You let out a giggle

“You’re prettier.” He jokes. It was so out of place but he said it casually.

You laugh. You laugh and laugh and laugh until you start to sob. Breath heaving and lungs sore, you sob into the receiver. Your face was wet, and your nose was running, you were sure you have never looked more unattractive. Being close to him once again opened up the flood of your insecurities, made you feel hyper aware of your appearance. Shame and embarrassment enfold in you once more and you feel your throat close in on yourself.

Him just casually joking around reminds you of the old days. Where you might have been broken inside but Jimin was here to mend you outside. And that’s what you needed right now, for him to glue your shards back together again. A porcelain doll is always hollow inside anyway.  

“…_-___.”

You cry louder at the sound of his voice. Your Jimin…you loved him so much.

“J-Jimin-hic-…pleas-please -hic- some home…I’ll change Jimin, I-I’ll be better, so please.”

He listens to you cry and his chest aches like someone pulled his heart out. This was something he was never good at, dealing with someone’s feelings. That’s why he never let anyone get too close, even if they felt like they were. Everyone…but you. Fuck, he shakes his head. No, you meant nothing.

But he still wanted to console you.

“T…the anniversary dinner is tomorrow, right?” He starts, his voice uncertain, “I…I’ll come then.”

“You will?” You hiccup, your own tone unsure

“I will.” He says, and this time he sounded confident. “I will come back home ___, just wait for me…”

“Promise me…”  

What else could you wish for?  

“I promise.”  

How could a little more waiting hurt you?

Jimin shuts of the phone and sighs. It seems like you were back under him, which is a relief. He smiles then, his heart soaring at the thought of seeing you again. Just imagining the look on your face would be enough to keep him satisfied for a long time.

See? You love her. A voice interrupts. It came from deep inside his chest. Conscious, they call it. He hated it more than anything. The only person Jimin loved was himself and the only person he needed was himself.

He’s not like those pathetic people that lust after him immorally. There were no similarities between him and them, there never would be. His conscious seems to disagree though, telling him once again, how much he loves her, someone like her.

Growling at his brain, he smashes the bottle down onto the balcony’s pavement. The shards scatter, glimmering in the moonlight of the pale city. He could see himself in the reflection.

And for the first time, he didn’t like who stared back.

You were waiting.

On that time of year again.

June 17th, the most special day of your life.  

You still remember it quite well; the well-lit Azul sky, the light specks of sand, the calming roar of the clear waves. It was the most beautiful morning in the universe.  

Yet you were a wreck of nerves, sweaty palms and jittery teeth. Jimin’s dad placed a hand on your quivering shoulder, your eyes shooting the gentle senior as he smiles at you consolingly. You were never close to Jimin’s parents, nonetheless they were always tremendously kind to you. A part of you felt so undeserving of their love, but Jimin would remind you that you have earned everything good in the world. Jimin…you couldn’t believe in a few moments you were marrying the love of your life. How and when did your life take such a drastic turn for the better?

Snapping from your reverie, you shyly nod your head at your new father and place your hand under his outstretched arm. And soon it starts – the piano melody signaling the curtains withdrawal.

As the fabric was removed from your vision, the picture-esqu sight came into view in front of you, making you hold your breath and faintly tighten your grip on the elder man’s arm. The audience immediately turned their heads, a pleasant expression of awe plastered on their faces. White and pink carnations, complimenting your long lacey dress, decorated the virgin painted benches and their petals littered the bleached soft satin carpet.  

And in front of it all – the audience, the flowers, your mother – stood Jimin. You lost control of your senses when you saw him. He stood perfectly still, hands clasped together and slightly taller than usual with his heeled derby’s and straightened posture. His black suit was stitched without a visible flaw, even in this bright daylight. It elongated his limbs and made them seem sturdier – rather well put as he jut his chest out ever so softly. Your eyes couldn’t break away, even as you began advancing towards him. Jimin too, stared right at you unwaveringly, like he could see no one but you at the moment.  

His hair was gelled back and brush to the side, letting the sunlight highlight his ethereal features. When you reached the end of the carpet, Jimin’s father took a hold of your hand and handed it to Jimin. As soon as Jimin’s fingers touched your palm, a spark of fire traveled underneath your skin and your arm broke out in goosebumps. He led you up the three-step stairs, into the altar where the priest stood in front of you both.  

“You look gorgeous.” He whispers with a cheeky smile

You break out into a shy smile, some of the rashness in your nerves leaving you.

His eyes never leave yours as the priest starts speaking and you could feel your own eyes well up as you hear the quiet sobs of Jimin’s mother.

After the small sermon, it was time for that big question.

“Do you Park Jimin, take ___ to be your lawfully wedded wife? To cherish her in sickness and in health? And never leave her lonely?”

For a moment you thought you saw a pause in Jimin’s smile. That there was a sudden weakness flashing across his orbs. But it was over, very, very quickly.

“I do.” He states proudly, causing all the unease in your lungs to vanish.

As the priest repeats the question to you, you take a deep breath, ready to state your obvious answer.

Suddenly though, you catch the eyes you’ve been avoiding the whole time.

Your mother. Sitting in the front row.

Without a smile.

“Don’t do this to yourself.”

“Mom, please…I’m getting married in a few hours. Why is this the only thing you have to say to me?”

The older lady inhales, her nostrils flaring in exhaustion. “I’m saying this for your own good.”

“No! You’re saying this for your own sick pleasure!”

“How could you think that way about your own mother?”

“…because let’s face it mom…you’ve never cared about me…”

She went silent after that. 10 minutes of arguing and this was what made her silent.

“Alright.” She spit, bitterly. “But when he ends up leaving you, don’t come crying to me.”

…

“I never have.”

“Madam?”

You jump from your daydream.

“Pauillac?”

A well dressed, older waiter stands in front of your table. He held out a bottle of expensive looking wine.

“Oh, thank you.” You say, holding out your glass.

Fast forward to seven years, you set up a reservation at the most popular 5-star restaurant in your city. It’s something you’ve done every year for four years, a month ahead because of the place’s demand and limited seating options. Even though your nerves were eating at you, you kept yourself alive. Today is the day you’ll see Jimin again. He’ll be back home again.  

Your body was yearning for his touch again, you felt yourself getting hot and cold at times for no reason. But it was alright, you were happy.  

You’ve gotten your hair, makeup and nails done at a salon today, wanting to look beautiful for your husband. It was red in color and light weight, to not seem overbearing, and you wish Jimin would like it on you. Imagining him complimenting you had you unintentionally beaming. Anything and everything he’d say tonight was bound to have you convulsing inward, you were just so excited to see him again.  

Having arrived 15 minutes early, you mess with the napkins and cutlery, making sure everything was straight and preppy. Your nerves were on high making you fidget and glance at the door every few seconds. Jimin’s promise rang inside your head as assurance. There was a letter clutched in your hand. Since there were so many – way too many things you wanted to tell him, you decided to write a letter instead.

He’ll be here. I know him.

Time went by a bit too slowly, so you took some sips of your wine. What should you say first to him. Oh, you should thank him for keeping his promise. That would make him happy. Then you should apologize for that night, negotiate carefully to not scare him away. You’d tell him of the progress you made, about how you were learning to stand on your own two feet so you wouldn’t bother him again.

Whatever you did, you could not afford to make him feel upset again.

As you continued to carefully plan out your time with Jimin, a voice resounded in your head.

“You spent your life trying to become someone they’d love, that you forgot about who you are.”

…

You were doing it again. Of course, you didn’t want to apologize to him…but you were more concerned with what pleased him. Sighing, you took another sip of your wine.

Where was he? You were beginning to get angsty. Tapping your foot against the floor, you signaled the waiter for more wine. 20 minutes had passed. 30. 40. Soon you were bombarded with voices echoing your head.

Lin. Irene. Yoongi. Mina. Your mother.

Everything they said over the past month haunting your insides until you shook. Stop it, you wanted to yell. All you wanted was to be in your husband’s arms. You aren’t stupid for yearning for love. Jimin promised.

1 hour.

You had begun to stare at the people around you, dressed so lavishly. They all look so content. How lucky they were. There was a senior couple a couple of tables away from you, the lady feeding something sweet to her husband. It made you smile, and your heart hurt even more. Jimin, please come soon.

2 hours.

Where was he? People were starting to notice you could tell, their shaped became nothing but eyes that beheld you with animosity. Eyes poking you in places that left you sore. You wanted to jump into a cold river. Wash away the restrictive feeling around your throat. No, you aren’t stupid for trusting Jimin again.

With a deep breath, you press his number, holding it to your ear with pursed lips. He doesn’t pick up. But you dial it again. What if something happened to him, you worry. There was a similar feeling inside of you. The one you felt when you visited this office that night. Your heart and mind pleaded with him.

Please, Jimin.

“…Hello?” A groggy voice answers

You smile – you actually fucking smile for the tiniest millisecond. Before realizing that wasn’t his voice. No, that high-pitched feminine voice wasn’t his. Your whole face falls.

“Ms. ___?”

Tina.

“H-hello, Ms-” You overhear some shuffling before you hear him.

“Kitten, who is i-”

No longer concerned, you hang up. You were so stupid.

Your face twitches, mind still frozen before the tears fall like rain. It was raining outside too.  

In seconds, your makeup’s all ruined, and the collar of your dress is strangling you. With so many people in the vicinity, you try to stop your tears but it’s no use – you can feel a few stares burning a hole through your head. You don’t even care to acknowledge the waiter who cheerily walks up to you pushing a cart.

“Ma’am here’s your oh-”  

He stops dead in his tracks in front of you, who’s silently heaving into the air. He’s at loss of what to do as he gapes at your wrecked state, in his sweaty palms he weakly holds the handle of the cart. On that cart laid a large 2 layer lavishly decorated vanilla-swirl cake. Jimin’s favorite. With two words written at the top in pink strawberry icing.

‘Happy Anniversary’

You had no clue where you were headed.  

The hush of the car pushed you forward. Your grip on the handle was deathly, frigid arms barely holding it eerily still and not crashing into one of the pawn shops on the right out of pure fury.

After the tears came the rage. You were so, so angry. And you didn’t give one single fuck.

Fucking Jimin, perfect, lovable, charming Jimin. Fuck him.

How dare he?

How fucking dare he not show up? How fucking dare he embarrass you like that? He lied to you yet again. And you, like the pathetic woman you are, fell for it again. It was like a drug, the wrath and despair within your system. Traveling across every nerve and every stream. Feeling like tiny needles prickling you all at once. You were so fucking angry.

It kept replaying in your mind. Tina’s groggy voice, her confusion…her pity. You couldn’t control anything, not your breathing nor your anger. All you wanted to do was forget about it all. Before you did something you really regret. So, you sped to the only place that made you forget once before.

You push the breaks to a halt, your body lurching forward at the sudden stop. Turning, you look out the car window, breathing fire through your nose. The loud beating of the music silently shakes the whole road. Bright red neon lights flare into your vicinity, reflecting even the puddles of the long dead rain.

Cypher Road.

With a humorless smirk, you open the car door, stomping your way out of the vehicle. Wasting no time, you sprint into the entrance with a slight stumble in your step and are immediately greeted by dancing bodies. It wasn’t any different than that other day – if anything, busier. The noise was so loud you could stop yourself from thinking for once. You brush past the lively bodies without a care, yet there is a small warmth with each touch of flesh that has you inhaling repeatedly.

Trance.

There is a joy of being here. You hadn’t wiped the scars of mascara off your face, your hair was a mess from you pulling on it. And your dress felt even lighter than before as you stepped onto the dance floor. The atmosphere was blinding, and you had come here to be filled with its addictive ignorance. How sweet it is to not taste the bitter reality.  

It was slow at first. You weren’t in rhythm with anyone, but then again when had you ever been. Spanning your arms out, you brought them above your head as you twirled once, twice – a few times. Every second you unraveled yourself, closing your eyes as your heels glided along the dance floor and you shook and turned. Swung and twist.

You wanted to lose all your energy here. Everything had to melt away.

With every move you made, your mind became light headed, stars amongst your seams exploded and the fast pace of the universe seem to lull. So, softly, you fluttered your lids open.

The first thing you saw were the bright neon green lasers, traveling across the dance floor from the ceiling. Then you notice how the whole floor had slowed, the laughing, the screaming, the motioned limbs. Everyone around you had begun moving along your timeline, your pace – the slow dance with life for the very first time. Somehow the music had lost all it’s upbeat fervor and your ears echoed a blue ambiance in its place. You felt drunk even though you took mere ounces of liquor.

Numb, you were more numb thank drunk. Your movements were sluggish and your mind in a deep haze. This is what it feels like to be high on grief. While your eyes were roaming the dance floor, they landed on someone. There was a girl, around 10 feet away from you, who caught your attention, you’re not sure why. Nothing seemed unordinary about her – not her short dress, nor her pretty face. The club was full of that. She dances as lethargic as the figures around her. What you kept staring at was the necklace she wore, the pure silver being the only color you could see on her as the darkness of the club muted all other colors.

But the second a citrus scent fills the air around you, she is long forgotten. You turn back in front of you to see him.

He, who stood a good 5 feet ahead, taller than Jimin. He, who wore an expensive suit with a colorful scarf tied around his long neck. Dusky hair and sharp eyes, a slight tan and fixed stare. It was in that moment time come to a complete halt. Just you and him, even breathing and secret heartbeats. His face tilted to the side, a smirk present on his inviting lips. You blinked leisurely.

“Nice to see you again, baby.” He said in his deep, sexy voice

You recognized his voice.  

Who could forget it?

The stall door slammed open as your body was pushed inside. For the first few seconds your breath was knocked out of you, just to fit into his mouth once again.

“Mmm-ah-”

His mouth was hot, heavy and wet. The middle of your spine shivered, sending a cursing sensation all throughout your body as you held onto his arms. The warmth of his shoulders kept you giddy, your face tilting to allow his tongue in further. His grip on your hips was tight, his fingers dangerously lurking your ass. You blushed as you felt your chest pressed up against.

He bit your lip and you gasped, your fingers treading into his hair as you tilted your head back. His lips kiss down your jaw, onto your neck as you moan loudly. The air was immense, the four walls of the stall closing in on you and you didn’t care one bit. You wanted to be swallowed. After nipping the soft skin of your neck, he looks up, into your eyes.  

As you stare into the endless abyss by your own glossy orbs, you could swear there was no one more beautiful.

He smirks yet again, making you clench. His thigh parts your legs as his warm hand travels along your hip line before he grabs your dress. Pulling up the light fabric, you feel his hot fingers on your bare skin. You try to hold back your voice but fail miserably as you whimper, holding onto to him tightly. Softly, his hand caresses your thigh, tender and slow. You close your eyes, your brows knitting in what you think was frustration and you hear him chuckle.

God, that voice of his.

The air is knocked out of you as his fingers land on that sweet, sweet spot. Your eyes opening to find his intense stare.

“You’re so wet, fuck.” He huffs, fondling you over your panties

Unable to properly respond, you blush. Biting your lower lip before you begin to rub yourself on him. You’ve never done that before. Taken control of the situation that is.

“Shit.” He mutters, staring you down as you shamelessly stroke yourself against him. Your freedom didn’t last long as he snakes an arm around your back, your chest crashing into his and his long digits slam into your core.  

“Ah!” You grab onto his arms as he scissors your insides.

“Fuck, baby,” He grunts, his low voice making you tremble, “You haven’t been fucked properly for a long time now, have you?”

His dirty words cause you to clench, curses once again slipping out of his mouth, “I’m gonna change that tonight – shit. I’ll fuck you so good, fill your nice and pretty cunt with my cum.”

You couldn’t say anything, lips trembling and back arching as his elongated fingers fucked into you, reaching such a depth that had you weak in the knees. Thankfully his hold was tight.  

“You want that baby? You want to be stuffed with my dick? I bet I’d slip in so – fuck – so easily, I bet I’d cum right away, what do you think baby?”

“Nn- oh, yes-” It slipped out, as his pace became faster, harder and you wanted to thank whoever created him for his blessed fingers. They were much longer than Jimin.

…

Jimin?

…Jimin.

In an instant your eyes shot open, “N-no!”

The guy made out a ‘huh?’ Before you pushed him away with all your strength. His back collided with the right stall wall, as you used the left one to stand up properly.

You suddenly become all too aware of the ring encasing your finger on your trembling hands. The warm atmosphere now defeated by a scorching heat. Your eyes became cloudy as images of your husband flashed through your mind. The man you swore your soul to, the man who you came home to, his smile, his love. What the hell were you doing? You were married! Married! How could you-

“H-hey? Are you alright? Was it something I said?”

The man reaches out for you, causing you to jump.  

“No!” You shout again, your loud voice echoing the stalls. His eyes fill with worry and the guilt threatens to spill out your throat. Did he know you were married? How would he feel about that? What were you doing? WHAT WERE YOU DOING?!  

You were wheezing without any cause. The air in your lungs felt painful, throat sore and breaths ugly. Panic…you were having a panic attack. The walls were closing in and the light of the restroom gave you a pounding headache.

“I-I’m sorr-” You manage to choke out before running out of the stall, not even daring to look back.

You ran and ran and ran. Pushing away from the heavy bodies littering your way. Sobs of pain left you, but no one even cared to look. This wasn’t what you wanted from tonight – you wanted to forget Jimin, not become him. Yet you can never forget how you reacted to that stranger, how sensitive your body was to someone who wasn’t your husband. Tremendous shame and guilt travel up your neck like parasites. Your eyesight had become blurry, all the overwhelming lights meshed together, and you couldn’t even see anymore. All that was guiding you was the reminder to get out of this loud place.

And it was then that you bumped into someone.

“___? Hey, are you alright? ___?”

A frantic voice, and grip on your arms pulls you back to reality. For a moment you just heave as he shakes you softly, grip firm and protective. Slowly, your eyes begin to clear and breathing slows. There you see Yoongi and you, standing near the entrance hall of Cypher Road.

“Y-Yoon…gi?” You mutter, out of air

“Fuck, ___, what happened to you?” Yoongi shouts, his eyes widened in concern  

“You lied to me Yoongi…” You mutter

“…What?”

“You lied to me!” You cry, pulling him off of you, “You t-told me…” Your voice breaks, tears filling your eyes, “You said he did nothing but fool around with his friends…YOU LIED!!!”

The anger in your voice has him putting up his hands in concern. “W-what do you mean-”

“In there!” You scream, pointing at the dance floor, “In your precious club – is a girl with a necklace!”

“A…necklace?” Yoongi squints in confusion, his head turning back and forth between you and the dance floor.

“A fucking necklace!” You roar as he winces, “A necklace…similar to the one Jimin wore some time ago…”

“___, there are plenty of ways she could’ve gotten that necklace, maybe she-“

“No!” You interrupt him, shaking your head vigorously, “That’s what I say! Those are the excuses I make! ...But not this time. Not when I recognize that special custom-made J pendant on her neck…”

You began to cry, hot fat tears rolling down your cheeks as your throat starts to close in.

“I-I could…couldn’t even see her face…I don’t even know what s-she looks like…” Taking a deep breath, you bring your hand to your mouth in embarrassment, “Yet I know her…because she wore my husband’s necklace so proudly. Like she owned it…owned him.”

Yoongi stares at you, at loss at what to say. The people around you gave glances and strange looks time to time. But still…no one cares long enough to stay.

“___...just calm d-”

“NO!” You scream again, cringing at the strain in your voice. “I won’t! I won’t calm down! I have every right to be angry!”

“I know that!” Yoongi yells cautiously, “I understand that-”

“No you don’t– No one does! No one knows how it feels to be in my position, no one- Or else you wouldn’t have lied to me!”

“You think I had a choice? You think I wanted to purposely lie to the woman who was staring at the ground a thousand feet below her like her only way out?”

“Just-” You bring your hands up, a sudden wave of exhaustion pouring over you, “I’m so, so tired…I’m so tired of being lied to, Yoongi. Please…please leave me alone.”

“__-” Before he could say another word you were rushing down the hall, out of the building. He stared at the exit you left from a bit too long, the bright neon of the sign hurting his eyes. Everyone else danced on, carefree, around him. His husband always told him this job would be his wolfsbane.

And he was right as usual.

As he’s debating whether to chase after you, a call of his name interrupts his concentration.  

“Hy- fuck, Yoongi hyung!” The pale faced man turns around to see the youngest of his pack shoving through multiple bodies in disdain. The taller man rushes up to him, breathing heavily, with a worried gaze.

“Taehyung?” The older asks with concern laced in his tone. What the fuck was happening? “What’s the matter?”

“S-she was…do you know where the girl who was just with you went? She was right here! The one with the red dress…soft demeanor…?”

Yoongi straightened up as Taehyung described you,  

“How do you know ___?”  

You sat at the edge of your world in silence. The winds of tomorrow’s past blew past you, your hair in rhythm with the fast-paced clouds above. For the moment, you would have preferred silence, but that was not a sentiment the city shared with you. Cars, honking, muttered chatter, you could hear it all. Passing through your ears like an afterthought. Your feet dangled as you held your heels in your hand. What were you thinking of showing up to that anniversary dinner?

What ever made you think Jimin would stop disappointing you?

As you stared at the glass structures you sighed, you always ended up back at the same place. The same kind of city, the same rain, the same broken heart. Perhaps the universe really was trying to tell you something.

A quiet hum stained your body, Keeping you sane from your sadness. It was crazy really, how many questioned can be answered in a day. With a deep breath, you reach out to into the night, stretching your arm. Hand laid flat against the air for a few seconds before you clasped it shut – as if grabbing something. What were you desperately searching for in the night?  

Your husband? Your life? Your childhood?  

Your happiness.

“Thought I might find you here…”  

It was routine then, the sudden loud beating of your heart. Your widened eyes, your frozen physique. The shaky exhale.

…

“I…tried to find you downstairs…in the apartment…but you weren’t there…”

Jimin.

You can hear him walk towards you. And you could imagine it, hands in pocket, the wind blowing through his hair, his relaxed stance and clear eyes. It had been too long…so long, just a couple days felt like years. It felt like something grabbed onto your heart, so tight you couldn’t breathe. You were too scared to turn. To look him in the eye.  

But you did anyway.  

And you just knew the universe hated you. It was him. It was him. It was him. His ethereal face filled with a halo no one could replicate. He was God’s most beautiful creature. How spiteful your creator must have been.

It was him. You wanted to reach out to him.

He stared at you, reading your eyes as you read his. But you both had stopped understanding each other’s language a long time ago.  

You both waited for the other to speak. Yet for some reason, you wanted this silence to last forever.

“…How have yo-”

“Did you fuck her?” You ask, your voice immediately breaking. His face turned pale. “When I trusted you…and waited for you…”

He looked away, mouth shutting and eyes squinting.

You had dreamt of this scenario a thousand times, and in each one you never came off this strongly. So, what were you doing right now? Why did you feel so guilty?

“You fucked her…did it feel good? Are you happy now that you’ve emptied your dick?” There was so much fury in each of your words, but you enjoyed watching him squirm. You didn’t even know half these words were in your vocabulary. “How has she been for the past week? Why did you even come, JIMIN? I waited, and waited, and waited in the pain of the unknown. All while you got your dick wet…And I always do that Jimin…I’m so stupid, aren’t I?

He says nothing.

“Tell me I’m stupid!” You slam a palm on the ledge, “Because you really make me feel that way! And for what?”

The tears you hold back wrapped themselves around your neck, making you struggle to get your words out. You wanted him to feel as hurt as you did.

“What have I done Jimin? What did…I do to you?” Breathing was becoming hard, your lips quivering as you stared at the beautiful somber devil. “All I did was love you, so why? Why do you t-treat me like this?”

It must have been an illusion of either your river-filled eyes or the bleak night because for a second you thought you saw despair and guilt inside him.

“I broke myself apart to try and fit into your world. Became happy for you, always did what you wanted, never questioned you-fuck I would’ve even had children if it meant you would stay with me…”

“God, I’m so stupid!” You roar, grasping fistfuls of your hair and pulling at it, “Here I was trying to be better, here I was thinking that those three girls had something I didn’t but that wasn’t it at all! M-Mina didn’t have lipstick on that night. She couldn’t have marked your shirt…but someone else did! Isn’t that right Jimin?”

You turn back to him, eyes wide and head pounding. “I thought there were only three girls…but there are many, many more aren’t there? I thought Jessica was the first time, but it wasn’t was it?”

Jimin finally looks up at you, and you realize you never said anything about Jessica. He didn’t know you knew.

“You’d been cheating on me…since the beginning…haven’t you? Here I thought I must have done something wrong after marriage…but I’ve been your plaything throughout this whole affair, haven’t I?”

He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. You slowly lower your arms, face and body still in shock.

“I’m so stupid Jimin…I felt special for a while…I’m so stupid…aren’t I?”

His face twitches, but his thoughts remain a mystery. You watch quietly as he closes his eyes, a soft exhale leaving his lips. It was too painful to keep staring at him, at the man you once loved more than anything. So you looked back at the sky, pleading for a chance to redo every single event since before you met.

“Jimin…” You whisper, voice pleading. Your sanity was on the brink and you wanted to be pulled in before you fell over. “Tell me I’m not stupid.”  

“I’m letting you go, ___.”

You really hated yourself in that moment. Your name coming out of his mouth felt so good, you almost didn’t hear the first part.

Almost.

“I have to let you go.”

And the first tear falls. Sliding down your cheek easily before the next one leaks. You close your eyes, letting the pain wash away at you for the first time in a while. The fall was long, you could feel the emptiness surround you. For a second it felt like flying, unobstructed and liberated.

“…”

“This has gone…beyond my control…___. I didn’t know what I was thinking, I just...” He looks at you, but you kept yourself inside your head. Arms numb and brain empty. “…I acted on impulse…I thought I knew what I wanted…I thought it was…”

You

“You are right…I have been cheating on you for a long time now…I never loved you…I just kept this charade on for as long as I could. And I don’t know why because I don’t love you…I d..d-don’t.”

That’s what you needed to hear, right? Just like that? Everyone’s been telling you this is better for you, haven’t they? So why are all your words stuck in your throat.

“I’ll go back to T…my friend for now…I’ll be back to pack up my stuff in the next few weeks.”

And with that he gives you one last glance before he turns. That was it, that was his whole explanation. What exactly had you expected? Why the FUCK did you keep expecting? You wanted to call out to him, your heart jumping out of your chest and latching onto his turned back. But instead of uttering a single peep, you listen to his footsteps all the way back to the door.

You listen as he touches the door knob. You listen as he twists it and pulls the door open slightly. All you do is listen when you can feel him hesitate, turning around to look at you.

For the strangest reason you remember the day you met him. That bright day, the soft wind and cherry blossoms. His bright smile and angel eyes, your innocent mind and open heart. It replays in your memory like your life flashing before your eyes. The wind picks at your toes and your body itches, yearning for something you couldn’t comprehend.

So much has changed since. This isn’t the same day, the same wind. There are no cherry blossoms, or smiles or innocence. You both are different now.

This was your chance to call out to him. To jump off this ledge and into his arms. But you just sat there. Listened as he turned back and left. And it was just you and the wind once more. The door closing felt like the cover of a book closing, that this was the end.

And against the fast-paced wind that night, you accepted your defeated.

There were no books out today…

That much you could tell as you stared at the small desk between the couches, dozing off as the sunlight from the large window behind hit your face.

Much like you, she also stared. At the distance in your eyes, the iris dim and face unreadable. There were many things she wanted to ask, many holes she wanted to poke. But she remained as restrained as her profession taught. For she knew the signs of unapproachable person at first glance, having read them countless of times over.  

Yet she couldn’t have you stay quiet the whole time.

“Is everything alright?” Lin spoke meticulously  

You didn’t answer.

She sighed, studying you as she shifted. What could she do right now to make you talk? You’ve been so quiet these past 3 weeks, almost like you didn’t exist. Last week you never showed up, Lin couldn’t help overthinking and dial your emergency contact – Irene, who dragged you over here in frustration.  

You had told her about Jimin, lifelessly stating everything that happened as if facts about your life that hold no meaning to you. She knew how much pain you were in, but your reaction to despair was abnormal since crying was the body’s healing method. It’s a healthy way to process emotion. Then the next week you became silent, were a no-show last week and didn’t speak a word today either. Lin had consulted Irene, who said Jimin had been coming over, taking more and more of his stuff which helped the therapist understand a bit more.

You were mirroring your safe space, becoming as hollow as your apartment was.

“___, please you have to talk to me. Just for a bit, alright? I can help you.”

“Do you ever…” Her thoughts were interjected as you spoke up quietly. She was instantly all ears. “Do you ever…want to redo life? If you could start all over again, without any of your mistakes…would you?”

Lin stared at you for a while. Your expression did not change, you continued to glare a hole through her desk.

“Well…that’s a difficult question ___. Even though a part of me wants to erase the mistakes I might have made… I think it’s important to have the knowledge of those mistakes…why I made them…what I can learn from them…etcetera…”

“Well what mistakes did I make?” You say softly, looking at Lin in her pretty brown eyes. “What kind of mistakes have I made…that I still – to this day – have learned nothing from?”

You were trying to hide it, but she could see it as clear as day. The barrage of emotions you tried to conceal in your pupils. “Why am I getting constantly punished and learning nothing?”

“Why?” You plead, throwing a palm over your head and slouching down in your hair, “Why should I always be the person in pain? I’m so, so, so sad and I can’t change that even though I want to!”

“Trust me L-Lin, I want to change so desperately, I want to! I want to crawl out of my skin and find a new body because everything hurts but I can’t leave me…I can’t leave me, I c-can’t leave even though he can…I can’t leave even though she can… but I can’t, I CAN’T!

“..and you know what hurts the most?” You ask her, to which she does not respond. “What hurts is that he left me…like I was the one who did something wrong.”

“…He left me.”

It falls dead silent after your outburst. The only sound echoing the room was of your steady breathing.

“W…why do they get to walk away whenever they want after everything they’ve done?”

Lin breathes out tenderly, her eyes on the glass table and the reflection of the sun behind. In moments like this, she wishes she really had all the answers for her patients. She really does.

“By she…do you possibly mean-”

“My mother.” You mumble. “The one person in the world that was supposed to love me unconditionally…the one who threw me away like a discarded doll…”

Lin blinks slowly. “It can be very difficult to deal with the trauma and pain from a parent who abandons you…” After deliberating for a bit, she speaks up, “Tell me ___, why do you think you’ve given your all to every authority figure in your life?

You sit back up after a shaky exhale. Nothing comes to mind, except Jimin’s smile. Life was exhausting.

“Be…because…”

Lin nods, encouraging you to go on.

“I wanted them to love me.”

“And why did you think being perfect at everything, work, household chores, unconditional love, would get you their love.”

“B…because…I don’t know…”

“Hmm, can you tell me the first time you noticed someone’s reaction to you being ‘perfect.’ A child hood memory perhaps?”

After thinking about it for a while, you nod.

“...When I was…in the first grade…I got an A on my math exam. I was the only kid and…and the teacher called my mom to tell her I got an A. I didn’t want to bother her so I didn’t do it. And…my mother…she smiled at me for the first time that day.”

You could sense Lin’s soft smile.

“So I tried to get more As but I guess she got used to it. When Jimin…when I would blush or be openly smitten with him…there was a twinkle in his eye. One I could never get out of my head. And I tried…so hard.” You close your eyes, “So hard to keep that twinkle alive even when I was dying inside…but I guess…even he got used to it.”

Opening your eyes, you look at your therapist. “That’s why I did it. So they could love me.”

You become quiet, playing with your fingers as Lin stare at you. Her mind was in deep thought.  

“___,” Lin sighs after a while, “You know that I can’t tell you to not be upset… you have every right to feel whatever you feel because what they did to you caused you great pain…but I think it’s time you learned how to love yourself. And for that we need to address the root cause of your issues.”

“My mother?”

“Your mother.”

You nod, contemplating what she said. Learning to love yourself? That was a concept so foreign to you. Could it really help you understand yourself? What could you possibly gain from it, what was there to love about you? Right now, you just wanted to sleep forever. Forget you exist at all.

Existence is a pain itself.

Maybe you should confront the cause of your existence then.

“Trust me ___.” Lin speaks, catching your gaze, “You deserve better. You deserve to love yourself.”

Oh, you just cracked the puzzle.

She had aged.

Your mom, who was always so tall. To you, she stood over all the towering counters and tables and light switches. Compared to her, you were tiny. Someone who always had to look up at her, stretching your neck and straining your eyes. At her, who easily touched things you could only wish to reach.  

She looks so small now. Wrinkles skin deep, frown lines too permanent. She, who was once the tallest person in your naïve, 5-year-old eyes. Someone you thought would always look as young, as beautiful.  

As cold.

You watch her, face trained to be still. Her posture was demure, lips sat motionless and eyes downcast. She wore a light earthy dress, full sleeves and prim collar…which was so very her. It was strange to you, how at one moment you wanted her to look at you more than anything. To acknowledge you.

But today you were content in studying her with a passive gaze.

“How have you been?” She begins quietly. You stare at her, then glance at her fidgeting hands in her lap.

The atmosphere was dim, a bit too lull for a restaurant during lunch time. Maybe you were suppressing the chatter and clatter, to focus on her. Again, how fitting.

“…I’ve been well.” I have not. “How about you?”

“Good.” She replies softly, staring at her steaming tea in interest.

You sigh, your shoulders moving up and down along with your breath. What were you expecting? This is a person you hadn’t seen in 3 years. Why would she suddenly be interested in you? Why should you be in her?

At that moment, you hear small laughter reach your ear. You turn toward the appealing sound, not sure why you wanted to find its source. Yet once you took it in, you understood. It was a child. A mother, and her small child. The lady was not much older than you, wearing a blue-green dress as she fed her daughter dress in pink a small piece of the steak she ordered. They seemed happy, content in the small moment they shared, and you couldn’t help but smile at them.

What a fantasy they were living, you hope they knew how lucky they were. Everyone seems to be luckier than you. For a while you felt like a kid staring through the window of a candy shop. Tsk, how ridiculous.

“I…I’m glad you are well…”

You turn back to the fragile sound of that voice. “It…I was happy to get your call…and you suddenly asking to meet me. I felt nervous…I don’t know why.”

Surprise was well written on your face at her words. This was not what you were expecting.

“And I…” She coughs as if her voice was raspy. “How have you been? H-how’s Jimin? I hope he’s taking care of you.”

She smiles then. A slight, delicate smile as she looks you in the eyes. This is not what you were expecting. Not from the woman who’s only given you cold shoulders when you’ve asked for warm arms.  

All you could think about was how she was never home for your birthday and the one time she was, you overheard her call it just another rest day on the phone with her coworker. All you could remember was asking her if she would come to your recital and she never showed, so you just sat there after the choir concert watching all the other kid take pictures and receive flowers from their family. All you could call upon was the time she forgot to feed you for almost a week, which was what made you begin cooking.

And for some reason, unbeknownst to you, you utter the thorn pressing against your brain.

“Jimin left.”

Her smile takes a second to drop. The color of her face wearing off as her eyes widen. Jaw parting as she looks at you, like a worried, petrified mother. It almost made you laugh.

“W…What?”

Concern laced her tongue and you felt anger as a natural reaction. This wasn’t it – it wasn’t how you were expecting this to go. The person you remember, the person instilled into your core would have sighed in disappointment. Gave you a cold look and a wintery frown. Told you she warned you. Why was she suddenly acting this way?

“_-”

“H-he left mom.” You say, your voice choking up, “You were right, once again. He left me, just like you said. Aren’t you happy?”

You spit the question with venom, your eyes welling up.

“___.” She repeats in that same pitiful tone. It sparked more fury inside of you.

“Aren’t you happy?!” You ask a little louder, the neighboring tables giving you a glance. “I’ll be signing divorce papers soon. You were right all along!”

“N-no, no.” She shakes her head, seeming as distraught as you. Who was this person in your mother body? Wearing your mother’s face.

“What, why?” You sneer, “Have I done something to upset you again, like I don’t know ask for some fucking food?”

“___, no. Oh my God, no.” She was crying.  

It was getting hard to see as you shook in your seat. The weight of the world felt like it was on your shoulder. And as you stared at the weeping lady in front of you, you felt like a child again. A child who hid under the bed, crying because of the thunder. Desperately wanting her mother to come home. But she never came.

“I hate you.” Your tough voice broke, “I hated you so much…I never knew how much I hated you until I found Jimin…even if his love was fake at least he acted like he cared. Why couldn’t you just fucking act?”

She begins to tremble. Fuck.

“I know…how much dad hurt you, but why did you have to hurt me? I needed you. I needed you, mom. I spent every single day trying to live up to what I thought were your expectations, I thought I had to earn your love. I thought-” You take a moment, shutting your eyes and feeling the aching beat of your heart. “I thought if I was the perfect child- if I didn’t cause you trouble, if I was quiet and stayed out of trouble y-you would at least smile my way. And still you didn’t…all of my accomplishments, all of the things I so hard worked for vanished just like that…”

“Tell me…why did you…abandon me?” You look at her and for the first time something feels different, although your heart continues to constrict. She looks so small in her light earthy dress, straining her shoulders and shaking her head.

“I am so sorry ___. I am so, so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have treated you like that, ___. I am so sorry.”

“But more than you I hate myself.” You continue, ignoring the sear of pain on her face with every word. “I hate that I can never be perfect for anyone, I hate that I can’t have a normal conversation without second guessing everything. I can’t even ask someone for help without having a mild panic attack! Did you know that? I hate how I am so sad and weak all the fucking time. I hate me, I hate me.”

“___, please, please don’t say that. Please.”

“Why, huh? So you can pretend to have a normal daughter, if you want to pretend I even exist today-”

“NO!” She screams making you silent. You could hear the whispering of the tables around you, but you pay it no mind. They were the lucky ones, they wouldn’t understand. “So you don’t turn out like me.”

“…What?”

She exhales deeply, her face morphed into anguish, “I never wanted you to be like me, ___. Never. Y-your father made so many promises to me, told me he loved me so much. I was a shy, quiet conservative woman who fell into his trap. Then one day he just got up and left. A-and I was so stuck I didn’t know what to do! No one taught me how to raise a child, I had no guidance, no family and barely any money.”

You listen to her silently. The air was thick and her breathing rapid. For some reason you really wanted to dry her tears.

“A-And then you w-were born. B-but every time I looked at you…I remembered what your father did. I remembered that I never wanted a child. I remembered that because of you…I couldn’t go anywhere and do anything, and I was trapped in the same damned town for the rest of my miserable days. I was so lonely and ashamed…I couldn’t hate you though…I tried but you were so small and fragile I just couldn’t. Yet it was easy to pretend you didn’t exist. So, I did just that…to help me cope, I pretended you weren’t there. That I never met a man like your father and he never betrayed me…”

She looks at her hands, “But I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have have…but I realized it too late…when you already met Jimin…”  

You tense.

“Since the start…he reminded me of your father, and it terrified me. I was so scared for you, and I tried to get you not to marry him. But you hated me, and it was all my fault. You sought for the love I couldn’t give you so desperately, that it was easy for you to fall victim to someone who wanted to take advantage of you. I prayed for you…for your relationship every day, I wanted to be wrong so bad…I did ___.” She looks up at you with a frantic gaze. “I never wanted you to be like me, never ever. I did so many horrible things to you. I’m so sorry ___. I’m so sorry. I know you can never forgive me, and that will live with me for the rest of my days.”

Your mom looks back down. Her expression empty and tears still. It seems like she let out all she wanted to say and now she was a ghost. There was nothing in her…nothing. She reminded you of herself, which is why you said the next words.

“I can’t forgive you…” You speak softly and she winces. “The young me…can’t forgive you. The one who was subjected to your neglect. The innocent child striving for a mere ounce of love and affection. The part of me that you disregarded every day until even I questioned if I existed. I can’t.”

She physically deflated, as if agreeing with your sentiments.

“But-” You interrupt her acceptance, “The me now…the me growing and changing and evolving every single day. The me who’s learned to be happier…who’s learning how to find herself and converse with others…the me who has learned to heal…that me. I…can forgive you.”

And you watch her as she takes a moment. Looking up at you like a star just exploded.  

“I can forgive you, mom.”

The next moments were a blur. She seemed extremely please, beyond ecstatic and you felt for her. Especially when she cried like a baby, and you think she was the child now. You mother was the small one now, the one who needed your love. And you weren’t going to be someone who repeats her mistakes. Everything you said to her was true. You could forgive her now. It would take some time, but strangely you understood her.

If Jimin left you with a child, you would have the hardest time acknowledging it. All the pain you would feel could be unintentionally directed at it. You were so glad you weren’t in her shoes. They were bigger than you could imagine. As you breathe out, you feel it all leave you. The resentment you’ve held onto for years. The resentment that grew too heavy for you to carry.

It was lifted off your back and you could breathe again. There were traces of bitterness left, staining the deepest corners, but you will work on washing them out.

“I…know it’s too late…but I will try to be better ___.” She looks at you with her swollen eyes. It was as of you were staring at your reflection.  

“I think you already are.” You say with a smile, directed more to yourself.

You really were your mother’s daughter.

_

It was silence once again.

A screaming silence, that woke your inner most core as you step into the vacant apartment. You were so tired. The meeting with your mom ran longer than you thought and now you just wanted to drown into your bed. Taking off your coat, you hang it by the rack before changing into your slippers. Without a second thought, you bee line for your bed room ready to sleep today off.  

But you halt in your tracks as you notice something on the dining table a few feet from you. A stack of white papers. You look around you, as if searching for someone before you look back at the table once again. It had been a few weeks since that night. Jimin would come by when you weren’t around, take more of his stuff and leave. Half of you was wondering why he was taking his sweet time and torturing you…the other half was yearning for as much time with him as possible.

With a defeated sigh, you slowly make your way to the dining table. Every single inch of this space had so many memories attached to it. Each step felt like reliving it all again. Once you bump into a dining chair, you can read the letters as bold as day.  

Divorce papers.

Oh.

Jimin was working quicker than you thought. You expected his, but not this soon. It hit you then. That you didn’t realize how real of this was until this very moment, as you reread those big black letters in the stiffest font. This was real, it was happening.

Jimin was finally going to leave you.

That’s right, he gets to leave. While you were stuck washing out the resentment.

So, you let out a breathless laugh. One after the other until you were full on laughing at the situation. Oh my God, you tried so hard and for what? You tore yourself up and for who? There was nothing left of you, you gave it all away and what did that get you in return.

You were so crazy stupid, it was insane. You actually apologized when Jimin cheated on you. You forgave him multiple times. You starved yourself, you loathed yourself, you killed the young girl just wanting honest love and respect inside of you. And you cried until your eyes broke and you’re crying now.

You’re crying for the girl who once stood in that mirror, pinching every ounce of her skin till it bruised. Scourging herself for never being good enough. You’re crying for your lost dignity, handing it to someone with clumsy hands you thought were loyal. You’re crying at how you lost who you were, not only in the longest seven years of your life, but ever since you were born. You’re crying because that’s all you ever did for you.

How different life would have been if your mother had taught you how to love yourself? If her mother had taught her how to love herself? If the men in your lives didn’t continue to ravage you of all you could offer. It felt like some sort of curse.

Which is why you fell to the floor to let it all out. The tremendous pain and grief that built over the years, the horrible conditions of your body and mind. Every single pore had to leak, only then you would truly be free.

You’re crying because you wasted your life away. You’re crying because you treated yourself this way, when you didn’t deserve anything but love, trust, and honesty.

You’re crying because you learned too late of what – who you should have loved.

You were crying because your book wasn't written by you, but by somehow who couldn’t care less about you.

You are crying because of what is and what isn’t.

And trust me when I say, you’re crying for the last time.  

_

You woke up today and the ache was still there, that mind numbing helpless feeling of isolation.  

But instead of that horrible drilling pain to the brain, it was a small tremor in the back of your head. And for the most part, you could ignore it. Sauntering down the hall with your many files, you stop in front of the large wooden door and stare at the name plaque. The morning air felt fresh. Maybe that was why you took so many deep breaths. And another one, before knocking on the door.

“Come in.” You hear an easy-going voice and you open the heavy door carefully.

“Ah! ___, I was just about to call you! Great job at that meeting by the way, you really wowed the investors.”

Your boss sat relaxed at the front of the vast room, in the middle of her bulky brown desk like some sort of royal.

“Thank you.” You smile, stepping into her large office. The air was cooler in here and a shiver ran down your spine at the sudden chill that intruded your light purple blouse. Your skin erupted in small goosebumps, both from the temperature and the sights of your grinning boss.

Not that you didn’t want to see it, you were just so unsure of what to do when it would inevitably fade at the news you were about to share. It’s what you’ve been scarred of from your whole life, the thought of disappointing an authority figure. But seeing as how two-thirds of them disappointed you instead, you really could not care anymore at this point.

She watches you pace your way up to her desk, small inquisitiveness in her wide set eyes.

“Did you have something for me?” She asks, pointing to the files in your hand with her gaze.

“Oh, these-” You put down the big stack of gray folders in front of her, “This is just something you have to look over.”

“I see. And what about that?”

Your grip tightens around the envelope in your now empty hands. “T…This is…my resignation letter.”

Her stare shifts from the envelope to you, mouth parting to display her surprise.

“Resignation?”

Throughout your life you always thought your body was a strange one. The length of the reactions you felt had to be abnormal, you continuously believed it. Do others feel this cold when they are alone? Do others feel this upset at the sun for rising? Do they feel the deep ache of the tragic finale that was the last 7 years? You sure did. But you still got up, you still made it out of that wretched house that was too bare to bear, and you kept it moving. And to you, that’s what matters.

There was so much thinking you did last night, so many thoughts flew in and around your head. You wonder how others reflect back on their life. What regrets do they swallow, what makes them laugh the loudest? What parts do they cry the hardest and who do they miss?

You couldn’t tell, you’d only been you the past 7 years. It was useless to sonder. So you didn’t, instead you thought about who you were. On that cold floor of the house you cemented with your naïve heart, tears dried by the very air you hated, you thought about the past seven years.

And the past 4 months.

The rooftop, the club, the people in your life, the people not, the heart break, the longing. You had always been analytical, and it was safe to say you had found the answer you sought.

It was funny how the answer became so clear once you only thought about yourself, obscuring yourself from other’s needs for the very first time.  

“Yes.” You state undoubtedly, cold long forgotten. “I’m resigning.”

Another sigh as you leave the room. But this one was of relief. Although a bit upset at losing her best employee, she had taken the news surprisingly well. She even encouraged you when you told her what you were planning to do after this. Irene would be glad to hear that.

Although the pain was there, it didn’t have a hold on you anymore. You wouldn’t allow it to.

“There you are!” You hear, jumping in your spot as your palm was still on your boss’ door handle.

As you look up, a handsome young man with bunny-esque features jogs up to you. His left arm was behind his back, concealing something from your vision. All you could focus on was the strain it caused his muscles.

“I was looking for you,” He comes up close and you could hear his rapid breathing. His lavender scent gentle invades your space. You look at him curiously, watching the way his face falls as he realizes where you stood, “Hey, were you meeting the CEO? You’re not in trouble, are you?”

The fact that he seemed genuinely concerned made you laugh. “I’m not.”

He exhales a sigh of relief. “Thank God, didn’t want you getting fired for being in love with me.”

For the longest time you had been avoiding him. Ever since thinking of him in that way, you ran away from wherever you spotted him. Yet you had forgotten how easy-going he was. How effortlessly he made you laugh.

“Pfft, please.” You scrunch your nose, “You’re a goofball.”

He just stares at you, a wide smile present on his face. Tilting your head to the side, you squint at him.

“What’s the matter?”

“N-nothing, you just…seem different today…from last time I mean.”

“In a bad way?”  

“No!” He shouts flustered, “I-in g- a good way! You seem relaxed.”

You break out into a laugh. He really was the brightest employee. It was a shame you didn’t get to spend more time with him.  

“Thank you.” You say, as you watch him blush fondly. “I feel different. Relaxed, I guess.”

I’m no longer cold.

His gaze travels down, as if he had something he wanted to say. Your eyebrow quirks at him when you remember he still had his arm behind his back.

“What are you hiding?” You ask with a sneaky smirk.

He grins back at you, displaying his large teeth. Biting his bottom lip, he swings his arm out,  

“Tah-dah!”

There were suddenly a bundle of white roses in front of you, a gentle scent of freshness blew past you. You subconsciously took a long whiff, the pure layered petals creating a picture-esque image. Once your surprise passed, you were left doubtful.

A part of you had forgotten the bet.

“Roses?”

“Yup.” The man holding the bundle up to your face beamed

Scoffing, you place your hands on your hips. “Are you kidding? You expect me to believe you found roses around the building?

“But I did.” He pouts, and for a second you were ready to blindly believe him. Until you caught ahold of yourself. This lying brat!

“Where exactly did you find these beautifully healthy flowers, hmm? The backwall where even weeds don’t grow?”

“Yes, actually.” He states just as proudly, “I planted them.”

Your eyes widen at his words. “You did what?!”

He moves closer to you, you could feel his breath hitting you as his face was adjacent with yours. “I. Planted. Them.”

“T-that’s…Y-y-you ca-”

“Why not?” He asks with a mischievous glint in his eye, “The bet was to find flowers on the property, it doesn’t matter where they came from. And like you said, there’s some gorgeous land on the backwall.”

Your jaw drops slightly at his reasonings. You wanted to continue arguing but instead you just stood there watching him giggle in the most adorable way.

“You wanted pretty flowers, I got you pretty flowers.” He winks, handing you the roses. “Think of it as a one-month anniversary gift.”

Oh, right. He still thought you were new here.

His naivety makes you burst into laughter, the first genuinely happy expression you’ve made in months. It was mystery at first, but now you knew now why you liked him so much. The youthful nature, the sincerity he displayed was alluring. You didn’t have to be any front you had put up in the past in front of him, instead you were just another person. Someone normal for once.

“Thank you Jungkook.” You laugh as he proudly holds up his nose. Just as your eyes twinkle upon him, you recall upon something suddenly. Reaching into your pocket, you pull out a small piece of paper, your number scribbled on it long ago. Honestly, you couldn’t help but like him.

“Here. You earned it.”

He looks at your hand extending the paper, as your other holds the roses close to your heart. His heart beat quickens at the sight, you were so graceful and effortlessly beautiful, he wanted to know you more and more. Jungkook knew when he first saw you, the traces of a secret battle all across your face. Although he didn’t want to pry, he couldn’t help but let his heart be captured by the silent beauty that shone from you as natural as daylight.

“Thank you.” He mutters, his ears turning red.

While you look at him staring at your digits in awe, you found him to be an absolutely enchanting man. And you wanted him to know that, so you step up to him, softly connecting your lips with his cheek. You could feel him freeze under you, and it made you feel enthralled. It was nice, being in control for once.

“I’ll see you around, Jungkook.”

With that you sauntered down the hall, almost turning the corner before you hear his melodious tone stutter out to you. “T-this Saturday? It’s a date!”

Although surprised, you said nothing, just continuing to walk along the hallway. But you couldn’t help the grin that broke out on your face, thankfully obstructed from him, of course. You felt giddy all the way back to your office. Once you were there, you squealed in glee.

Through your small jumps and smiles, your phone rang, startling you. Already? You thought before checking the caller ID. In a flash your beam dropped, orbs beholding the name anxiously. How did he get your number? With a hasty sigh to calm you nerves, and an oddly guilty feeling, you decidedly answer the call.

“Hello…Yoongi?

Meanwhile, back at your boss’ hallway, a certain bunny boy hadn’t moved an inch. Argh, he felt so stupid. Why did he ask you out so fast? The plan was to first call you, maybe get to know you. But somehow, when you told him you’d see him around, it felt like a goodbye…the forever type. His gut told him he had to act quickly.

You didn’t even respond though…wow he felt dumb. Huffing, he rubs his face with his oversized hands. He didn’t blow it, did he? Should he call you tonight to make sure? Did you even want him to call? Well, obviously, you gave him your number!

As he was faced with a silent moral dilemma, he fails to register a young woman pacing up to him.

“Hello?”

He jumps with a small scream, which has the lady confused. She recognizes him though, he must’ve been one of the new recruits. Yes, the overly enthusiastic one.

“Umm, Mr. Jeon, right? You were just speaking to the supervisor, weren’t you? Can you give her this last gray file for me, please? I forgot to hand it to her.” With that the lady clacks away in a rush.

Jungkook stares at the file. She must have been talking about you. He smiles, thinking this gave him a valid reason to look for you again without seeming like a creep. This time, he’ll be more suave – more stress-free with his methods. This time, he’ll have his answer. The stretchy smile soon disappears, however, once the lady’s words fully register in his mind.

Did she just say supervisor?!

It was subtle really, blink once and you’d miss it.

Jimin softly shut the door behind him, looking into the dim living room he never quite got used to.

Did this place always feel so empty? He thought, staring at the walls with disinterest. He’s never had to be in here alone, he realizes. You were always here to warm the spaces between the loneliness.

But who was here to warm you?

It didn’t matter anymore – you didn’t matter anymore. You had changed, you weren’t the person Jimin agreed to marry. The you now weren’t someone he recognized. Time passes by too fast; he couldn’t keep up with it anymore. That’s why he wanted to end it with you as quickly as he could. Wasn’t it just yesterday he was confronted by you? Was it yesterday when he broke everything off?

He really couldn’t remember.

Oh, but his body sure did. His face grew thinner every day, arms losing the vitality his lithe limbs always presented. It was like his body realized you were leaving him and began a protest of its own. No one from college would recognize the Jimin he was now, the one who started to speak a little less. The one who stiffened his neck and sagged his shoulders. This wasn’t their Jimin.

As he stared off at the dining table, his mind recalls upon that rainy night. Where the distance between you started to grow like poisonous gas. It was the first time he felt the detachment from your side, since before you had always made yourself emotionally and physically available to him. Needless to say, he abhorred it, he hated what you had become. All without understanding the irony.

Jimin was someone who never understood his faults, too busy picking out the mistakes of others. Another thing he slighted in was confrontation, because he’s never been called out. Only when he looked in the mirror recently did he have the worst of days, lashing out at himself, at Tina at his friends and coworkers. Yes, he kept himself quite busy. Everyone was beginning to leave him, and he was getting desperate. Running his hands through his hair, he starts to trudge towards the bedroom. He was exhausted, shifting between work, leaving you and consoling Tina. His scandalous lover wanted to make a life with him, he just wanted to rest, maybe for a month or two. It’s alright though, he could just keep himself in her safety for a while before running off to whatever new toy he found next.  

Once he’s inside the bedroom, he freezes involuntarily. The sight of the familiar place had his heart yearning. It made him angry, that feeling of attachment he could possibly have connected to you. You were nothing to him and these days you were a headache to deal with. He gave seven years to you, you should’ve been grateful. Now he just missed the old you, the you who would follow him blindly. Jimin wasn’t made to be questioned.

So why did he feel like puking his guts out onto the floor? Why did it wound him to blink? Face it, the voice inside sneers at him. You love. Someone like her. You’re pathetic.

No, he doesn’t.

Yet he recalls upon another buried memoir. When he first started dating you, he slept with another girl in the same week. That’s what he did to all the girls he ‘dated,’ it turned him on to know people desired even if he was ‘taken.’ It was then as he held the other woman asleep in his arms, you texted him ‘goodnight’ and a bizarre feeling came over him. Guilt. He became so afraid, he ignored you for a week. Until he yearned to see you again. And why exactly should Jimin deny himself of anything he seeks? The same situation occurred a few more times, till it became a habit like alcohol. Although it may burn the next day, in that moment you enjoy the carnal pleasure for what it was. Pleasure.

He would never admit that other women never gave him the same sensation anymore, that you and the vanilla and wholesome sex meant everything to him at some point. Never, ever. Because he didn’t love you. The beating in his head couldn’t convince him otherwise.

In all honesty, he didn’t have an answer himself. Why did Jimin marry you? He didn’t love you…you just asked him about it once. Subtly hinting to marriage when asking him about what his thoughts on it were. Of course, you’d want commitment, every damn bitch wants commitment. And in that moment, he should have shut you down. Should have used his charms to make your place clear to you. Yet he didn’t have it in him to hurt you. Instead he proposed to you the next week, thinking that you’d vanish like the other girls when he made his intentions clear. But why? Why were you the only one different? It wasn’t like he loved you.

He didn’t.

Which is why it was easy for him break it off with you, wasn’t it? So easy, that he hadn’t slept or eaten in days.  

He was on the brink, his conscious just needed a little more push to take over.

Jimin wasn’t here for anything big today. Just searching for a custom J pendant he seemed to have lost a while back. Sadly, he didn’t know if it was you or not – he didn’t know where it was at all actually. Maybe he left it here, maybe he left it with another faceless girl he fucked senseless. As soon as he forces himself back to reality, he begins to look around. He was already late today, and you would be home soon…he didn’t want to run into you again.

Cluttering about, a bit staggered from his lack of forte, he steps up to the bedside drawer in one swift motion. He pulls open the drawer, running his fingers through all the items present inside. It was then that he stumbled upon a letter.

Marked with his name.

He couldn’t help but feel curious, drawn to your timid handwriting on the otherwise blank paper. Picking it up, he opens it to find hundreds of words scribbled together. Although the words were slightly messy, there were no mistakes he spotted, leading him to think you must have rewritten the letter a thousand times.

His breath was in his lungs, his feet glued to the floor. Something inside him wanted to put it back – leave it alone, his nauseous gut giving him another warning. But he began to read it anyway. Because why should Jimin be denied from anything he seeks?

Dear Jimin, the letter began and Jimin’s eyebrow twitched.

I’m not sure how to write this. I’ve rewrote it so many times already my wrist hurts. But I do want to tell you all of this, and as I am not the best at conversing my thoughts across, I would rather jot them all down. In hopes that my heart could reach you through them.

I’ve recently done a lot of stuff I never thought were possible for me. I made a friend, I learned a new interest, I took up therapy. There’s so much I want to talk about! But I’ll keep it short. Even through everything I did, I thought of you. Every corner I turned; ever route I took. Somehow, I felt you were on the other side, waiting for me.

No matter what anyone said, it didn’t mean anything to me. Just you, Jimin. And I realized, how much I need you. How I can’t lose you. I lost my mother Jimin, I lost her because I wasn’t perfect, and I know, to you I am not perfect.

But to me, you’re perfect Jimin. Which is why I don’t care what anyone says. I’m scared of coming home lost and cold, I’m scared of losing my home, which is you. I know I haven’t been great to you these past few days and the truth is I was hurt. I was alone and scared, but I should have known...I should have remembered who you are to me.

These past few years I am beyond grateful for. Thank you for spending your days growing old with me. I remember all the little stuff. Like that time, we went to the theater and you ordered too much popcorn and the aftertaste of the butter lasted in your mouth for a week. You always said me kissing you made the taste a bit more bearable. Or what about that time I got malaria and you stayed up for three days with me in the hospital? I have never seen you so scared.

That’s our love, Jimin. Those days mean so much to me, I wish you would remember them.

No person can get between us, Jimin. I won’t allow them. I want to apologize to you; I want to take everything I said back. I’ll be better, Jimin. I’ll remind you why you wanted to marry me.  

I’ll be perfect, Jimin.

So, please. Come home to me...darling.

Sincerely, your loving wife.

The door slammed open and shut, breaking him out of his concentration. Jimin was too immersed, he didn’t even notice how much time had passed. All he did know were of the tears that lingered his sockets. With an aching inhale, he practically ran out of the living room to catch you by the entrance. It was like magic then, you were a sight to behold. A most beautiful fairy.

You were in the middle of removing your heels before you noticed Jimin’s presence. It made you halt in your tracks, your hand still carrying your small pumps. He holds you inside his gaze with such intensity, it makes you gulp. What was he doing here? Had he always looked this sick?

…Was he crying?  

In moments he was upon you, his strong arms molding around your limbs as he exhales into your neck. You were as stiff as a board, confusion and angst swirling your mind.  

“J…Jimin, wha-”

“I love you, ___.”

…

What?

“I love you, I love you ___.” He repeats, moving off you to stare into your eyes. His orbs were bright, glazed but sparkly. All you could do was gape at him.

And in the midst of your shook state, you peak at the letter clasped in his hand.

He follows your gaze, holding up the paper to you.  

“Let me explain.” Jimin pleads, seeming sincere for the first time in…forever. “T-that night, our anniversary night, I wanted to come home to you. I really did. But Tina got into my head with and she...she manipulated me. Into thinking I don’t love my own wife! I was so confused, so instead I decided to listen to my carnal desires once again, push you out of my mind the only way I knew how.”

You were still trying to process everything. Why was he here again? “Wha...what?”

He looks sad just then, beyond exhausted like he was on the brink.

“I love you…___. Everyone’s leaving me these days, but you. You were always there for me.”

“…Jimin…”

“___, I…I have been in a lot of pain since I left. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I missed you so much. I never wanted to admit it, I always ran from it. And you were just…always so understanding…that I never looked back at my actions. Never thought what I was doing might hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

It hit you like a truck. Jimin apologized. This was the Jimin you saw that day after Mina. The vulnerable, broken boy.

“You’ve been coming on so strong…I couldn’t handle it. I thought I finally got the chance to break it off with you and be free…but I was wrong. I was wrong. I love you, ___. I don’t know since when but maybe I always had. And being away from you helped me understand that, the agony I felt. The yearning…I never want to leave home again. Your letter helped me understand! You make me a better person, ___.”

Jimin smiles, “So I’ll stay. I’m home ___. Thank you for bringing me home.”

Once again, he wraps you in his hug, ready to end the night with you in his arms. He finally feels free after so long, the spikes slowly removing themselves off his body. You were his energy, he realizes, you would help him get back on his feet. Finally, everything will be okay again, finally he can have you within his pincers once more. How he’s missed the delicious taste of eating you alive.

But as happy as he feels…he couldn’t help notice you weren’t responding.

Slowly, he unwinds from you, muddled. He takes a look at you, you who didn’t make any face. You who weren’t reacting to him the way he always knew you would.

Instead, you just glared.

It was his turn to be flustered, his turn to take a step back and process everything.

“___?”

“I…don’t love you, Jimin.”

Silence. As if you just dropped a bomb. His eyes widen, before squinting at you.

“W-what? Since when?” He almost sounds offended

“Since just now.”

“…What are you saying, ___.” He scoffs, taking your hand in his. You weren’t wearing your ring…again. “You love me.”

“I don’t.” You say more firmly, removing your hand from his. Jimin just stares at his now empty palm in surprise. “I don’t love you Jimin, and I’m not sorry about it.”

When he doesn’t retort, you sigh. “Jimin, did you know…a few days ago…I heard my secretary on the phone…she was talking to her boyfriend.” Looking down at how close your bodies were, you take a step away from him as courtesy, but you fail to regard the way his face grimaced at your distance. “He told her ‘I love you’ and do you know what she said?”

You look back up at him, and Jimin wonders if you were truly asking him for a second. “She told him ‘I know,’ just like that. Almost like she took it for granted, you know. But I didn’t think of it like that…instead I was jealous of her. Because in her mind, she doesn’t have any doubts that her boyfriend loves her. Which is why she’s able to respond so casually like that…he gives her so much love, that she never has to second guess her answer.”

Giving him a moment to register everything you said, you pause for a bit and smile.

“And Jimin…I have never felt that way with you.”

He winces.

“I have always doubted myself, second guessed your love and honesty. I always thought ‘there’s no way he could love me’ and there was nothing you did to convince me otherwise. But do you know Jimin? Do you know how many times you’ve said, ‘I know’ when I told you how much I love you?”

“_...” His voice dies

“That’s what I want, Jimin. I realize, it’s what I always wanted. That unconditional, blatant love. That’s what I deserve. I went through so much…yet I held onto you still. No matter what anyone said. And if anyone was looking at me right now, into my life, they would think I was crazy. But it was just that I couldn’t let you go. I couldn’t do it, I don’t know why. I just couldn’t…”

There was a glimmer of hope in his dark pupils.

“Even in that letter…I held back so much because I was afraid of surprising you. I could never be honest with myself. So that’s why…thank you for letting me go. For leaving me. Do you know how much I accomplished when you left me, how much I couldn’t accomplish in years? I had an actual orgasm, I left my job, I’m going to start a restaurant with my best friend, Jimin, I gave a guy my number.” His face went through many changes; anger, shock, hurt. But you continued on anyway. “All of that, just because you weren’t around poisoning me. Leaving me was the best thing you did for me, Jimin.”

He begins to tear down, tears fall in his eyes and he looks away. His jaw was clenches and his nostrils flared, telling you he was upset. But you didn’t feel satisfied, you didn’t feel happy that he was as hurt as you had been. You felt nothing for him. Maybe except pity.

Carefully, you step closer to him. Taking his face in your palm.  

“And I hope, Jimin, that leaving me helps you as well. That you stop chasing after meaningless convictions and you find whatever it is that can keep you grounded. You’ve hurt a lot of people Jimin, and for that you will suffer a lot as well. Me, all the girls and people you threw away after using. We never could help each other together, but we can help each other apart. It’s going to stab for a while, and you’ll feel as cold for a very long time. But then, I’ll pray for you to learn Jimin. I’ll try.”

And that was that, the ache lingering in your heart, was pushed all the way down to your stomach. It was still there, but not bothering you as much. Not controlling your destiny any longer. In your senses a melody played in the background; a constricted melancholic piano melody dedicated to love, to the happiness and woes.

This man you stared at, the man you once loved for seven whole years, who was he now? He couldn’t be blamed for everything, you had given him chances to hurt you again and again after all. More importantly, who were you? Definitely not the same woman you’d been when you first found out about Jessica. Not Mina. Not even the new one. You were changing, always evolving and you were proud of that.

You really were so thankful that Jimin had decided not to come home that night. That he continuously left you alone, to stand on your own. Because now your legs felt stronger than ever. There were a lot of people you were thankful for, a lot left to confront but this was your story. So good job you. Your love was first and foremost for yourself. Of course, you’ll continue therapy, you’ll work hard to open a new restaurant, you’ll try to give yourself the happiness you always deserved. Not every day would be great, some days you were going to struggle and there would be a lot of tears. But they’ll be your tears, your struggles, your joy, they won’t be based off of some other person’s mood.

This was only the end of Jimin’s chapter. Your real story will begin from today.

You were never going to convince yourself otherwise. Were never going to push down your feelings and act like they didn’t exist. That was the least Jimin had taught you.

It really was nice outside that rotten cocoon.

He was quiet for the first time in ages, and you honestly preferred silence from him. There were a lot of stupid things he said once he opened his mouth. Why should he become a better person from your pain? What kind of creator allows that?

After a moment of staring at his lost soul, you take a deep breath, exhaling softly. You couldn’t stay here too long, Yoongi had called you, getting your number off someone named Joy, asking you to come over to Cypher Road. He wanted to apologize for that night, as well as meet someone. If Jimin needed help, he should go search for it like an adult.

“Ok, umm…finish up whatever you were up to…I have to head out.” You say, turning around. Jimin doesn’t respond, but you couldn’t care less how he feels right now. “And I signed the divorce papers, they are on your shelf in the closet. Tell me when they are finalized, I’ll be free all week.”

You turn the door handle, pulling the door open halfway before remembering something and spinning back to him.  

“Not… Saturday though. I have a date.”

#bts #jimin #bts smut #bts x reader #jimin x reader #bts angst #Jimin angst #BTS fluff #jungkook fluff #jungkook #taehyung #R:CHTMD

[roses-ruby]

I HAVE LOVED CHTMD LIKE HELLLLLLLL

sorry for the agression but..... It made me feel rage and love and so many things so.....

And I listen to a lottttt of sad fucked up songs from different artists and one of them is Ellise

And one of her songs that I have loved a lot fits the relationship btw oc and jimin soooo much

And plz let the audience listen to it while reading or after reading this amazing piece of writing and I tell you this is going to hit different...

It's a request no pressure I just found the song to be fitting so I thought it would be great to share !!

Lots of love from this side of the screen ❣️

And honey you write amazing 💓💋!

I've never heard of lyrics matching CHTMD's Jimin so well omg

"Like some kind of sadist I think that he likes to see the pain in my eyes He knows that I'm lovesick He kissed me and promised I will be alright We both know it's bullshit The longer I'm with him the less I'm alive"

BRO i love it, it's just perfect wow wow. Listening to this while reading will truly be another experience. And thank you 🥺 I just get so happy when my readers like my story enough to associate it with different forms of art it's so ✨✨✨ thank you for reading ❤

#r:ask #r:chtmd #you're so kind thank youuuu

[roses-ruby]

Come Home To Me Darling | Drabble

So aha I am a scammer cause I said I wouldn’t do this but here we are 🤡 Actually I just have pretty bad writer's block for most of my other WIPs so yeet anything that makes me feel like a real writer right now really helps. The drabble originated from this ask.

Based off of this original story: CHTMD

Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst

Word Count: 3k

“And so that’s how I got my hands on those beautiful roses.”

The bunny toothed man smiles and messes with his hair for the third time – pinching the edges of his side bangs and straightening his back even further. He was nervous, maybe even more than you.

“Your sister sounds very kind.” You giggle

“She is! Both her and my mother…they would love to meet you.”

The sincerity in his voice melts your heart, even though you felt yourself tense at the very thought of meeting his family. This was obviously not something you had to fret over at the moment, but your feverish mind continues to plague you with useless concerns. Like if your hair was out of place, or if you had something on your teeth or if you should touch up your makeup again.

And one from further below, asking you where he went after you left. As if you ever knew.

“___?” You hear a sweet voice gently call out your name. The silk warmth of a large hand drapes over yours that lies perfectly still on the creamy tablecloth.

“Hmm?”

“Are you alright? You seem distracted…”

“Oh! N-No- I mean yes, I’m fine.” With rushed words, you squeeze his hand back. Your heart pounding loudly when he blushes and beams.

Although that was a lie and more than anything, you wished you could tell him the truth. About how uncertain you were of everything right now. How much it hurt to sit still. It was just a few days ago that you officially ended your seven-year relationship, and nothing made sense anymore. Everything inside you was antsy.

“I hope this place is alright for you.” Jungkook quips, as bright as ever.

“It’s wonderful.” You smile with your eyes as you watch him purse his lips. Jimin never said anything like that when you went out. For him…he always had this confident air about him, and some might say he was filled to the brim with arrogance when it concerned you. That there wasn’t a doubt in his mind when he was with you. Perhaps all of it could be blamed on your submission for the vixen. Submission you’ve grown to resent.

“I know you’ll love this place.”

He’d say whenever he took you out. The small amount of times he did, that is. And maybe that’s why you remember all of them so well – since there wasn’t much to remember. Not much but him...the way he’d smile, the twinkle in his eyes. But unlike most times, thinking about him didn’t bring you any happiness. Instead you felt a bitter taste around your mouth. Something you wanted to wash away quickly.

“Wine.” Whispering out loud, you stare at the empty wine glass beside your cutlery. The fidgeting man in front of you gasps underneath his breath, quickly gesturing for a waiter. You were awfully thankful he did since you were never good at even these tiny public interactions. Jimin always did everything for you too.

The waiter hurried over, standing with his hand behind his back like a true professional. Jungkook asked for the finest bottle of wine and you had to hide a grin at him trying to impress you with his wine knowledge. When the waiter brought over a Nebbiolo, he insisted on opening it himself.

“J-Jungkook…” You say quietly, watching the muscle bunny struggle with the cork. “Maybe we should call for the waiter again.”

“It’s alright!” He says, furrowing his brows in concentration. “I got it. I’ve opened many…many wines before.”

Right…you forgot how competitive he was, you think as you try not to break into laughter at his earnestness. Would Jimin do something like this? You don’t think you’ve ever had to watch Jimin struggle for anything. Except for the day you left him. Inevitably your mind wandered back to your apartment and you couldn’t help but wonder where he was, right now, in this moment. For some reason you were worried…it wasn’t like you heard anything back from him. Which was an occurrence you thought you’d be used to by now.

What did you expect him to say though? Of course, you wouldn’t see him again. You laid your feelings – or lack thereof out for him clearly and that chapter of your life was now closed. So, what were you expecting? Maybe a part of you wanted the grand Hollywood ending. One where the guy realizes his mistakes and apologizes for hurting you.

Because that was the main truth wasn’t it…you were hurt, weren’t you?

You were startled out of your thoughts when you heard a loud pop and the icky sensation of something wet splashing all over you. Your jaw drops open as you make eye contact with Jungkook who had a similar expression – if not one more horrified.

_

“I’m so, so, so, so, sorry.”

“I know, I know, I get it Jungkook. You don’t have to apologize a million times.” You couldn’t help but laugh at the pain in the assailant’s voice. He sounded like he was about to cry.

A white blouse may have been a bad idea for a first date after all. What did you wear on your first date with Jimin? Green, wasn’t it?

You remove your top, cringing at the way the soiled cloth stuck to your skin. The cramped stall of the restroom reminded you of that night – for the shortest second before you shook your head awake. No way did you want to recall that horrible night where you lost yourself for a moment…in that space…with that man….and his talented fingers.

Taehyung…

Again, you shake your body in denial to wake yourself up and end up hitting your elbow against the wall. You bite your lip to hold yourself back from screaming out in agony.

“___? Are you alright?” Comes the concerned voice of Jeon Jungkook.

“Mm- Just fine!” You chuckle awkwardly, trying to conceal the wound in your own voice.

With a sigh, you hold up your blouse in front of you, checking on the damage. Those hours you spent fretting and whining about your first date outfit were officially for nothing. Irene was gonna kill you. And you didn’t even have anything extra to cover yourself with.

As soon as you think that, an overhead draping sound distracts you from the issue in your hands. You look up, surprised to see Jungkook’s black coat hanging on the wall.

“W…wear my coat for now…just until we get the stain out of your shirt…”

“…Alright. T-thank you.”

Hesitantly, you pull down his coat and hold it in your hands. Oh…it smells like him. Not wanting Jungkook to wait outside any longer, you quickly put the coat on and button it up, trying to ignore the way his cologne engulfed your senses.

You step out slowly, mingling with the fabric of your blouse until you meet Jungkook’s gaze.

“O-oh…” He breathes out, his eyes widening and hand rushing up to itch the back of his head. There was a lot he had to say about the way you looked, wrapped up in his coat…the way you had to roll up the sleeves, and the way the collar was too loose, but the words seemed stuck in his throat. Jungkook always wore baggy clothes but he didn’t realize just how big they’d be on other people. More specifically, you.

“The…umm…your short- I mean shirt- ahem shirt,” He coughs, extending his hand, “I’ll take care of it.”

You raise an eyebrow at him. What did he mean ‘take care of it’?

Nonetheless, you hand it to him.

He rushes to the sink and your face falls when he turns on the faucet.

“Jungkook!” You run up behind him. He rolls up his dress sleeves and you couldn’t help but peek at the veins protruding in his arms. Just for a teeny second.

“I-I don’t think, aha I mean- I just bought this today!” You laugh breathlessly, “I can just you know…d-d-dry cleaning is a thing, you know that, right? Dry cleaning?”

“I couldn’t allow you to waste your money because of me!” He states assuringly, “Don’t worry, I am a god at laundry. Back home – I do all the clothes, my mom and sister’s too. I’ve cleaned many things, don’t worry!”

Your mouth opens and closes like a fish as you receive déjà vu from a similar situation just a few minutes ago. But while you’re meditating on what to say, he dips your blouse underneath the open faucet and begins scrubbing away vigorously. All that was left to do was watch.

Helplessly.

As your top becomes sopping wet. As the restroom slowly starts resembling a crime scene. As the red liquid spreads everywhere – the rest of your blouse, the ceramic sink, the bunny’s hands.

Soon, the faucet is turned off and you’re left in the silence of the laundry disaster aftermath.

You scoff, staring at your irreversibly ruined blouse.

Jungkook gulps, holding the wet mesh still as the water drips into the sink and down the drain.

“I…again, I’m so sorry. I’ll pay for dry cleaning- actually that’s what I should have offered in the first place, I-I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. A-actually sometimes I can be pretty dumb! My sister says that I should probably learn to understand facial cues, but I-I don’t know, I’m pretty dense you know? I-”

“Pfft.” You purse your lips.

“Huh?”

Another snicker leaves you at his petrified doe eyes. His own shirt was slightly ruined with wine splatters and his hair was fussed up with how much energy he spent in scrubbing your shirt. He looked so silly holding your blob of a top over the sink and rambling on with a voice that stuttered and squeaked.

Your shoulders start shaking the more you try to stop yourself. But it fails and suddenly, you burst out into a colorful shade of laughter.

Jungkook stares at you with a blank expression.

“I-I’m sorr-” You manage to make out, “I-It’s just…well…I thought I was bad at dates…”

You stiffen up after your confession, wondering how he would react. The truth was, Jungkook was too damn cute and there was no way you could be mad at him and his sincerity. Knowing your now ex, he’d throw a whiny tantrum. So, for a second- because your brain was still wrongly wired, you prepare for that particular situation. For him to whine like Jimin.

But it never comes. Instead, you watch your date break out into the biggest smile of his own. Complete with the bunny teeth and dimples.

“I guess…I am pretty bad at dates…” He chuckles and you nod, laughing along.

Huh…it was different.

You both stand there; you with your soaked bra and men’s coat and him with his colored dress shirt and arms dampened with watery red – like the two biggest dorks with the biggest grins on your faces. Like there was no one else in the world. And you can’t remember a similar time where you’ve laughed like this with Jimin. But actually…you don’t care.

Until you hear the door open and the sound of heels step into the foyer. You both whirl your heads towards the restaurant’s restroom doorway and spot an old lady in heavy makeup, who stops in her tracks when she spots you both and stares back with an equally startled expression.

Her confusion turns to horror and she gasps as she glances at the bloody wine-stained blouse in Jungkook’s hands.

You turn back to Jungkook with wide eyes, who immediately turns back to you.

“We should go.”

“Right. I’ll walk you home.”

_

The wind blows through your strands and you hold Jungkook’s hand just a little bit tighter to stop yourself from feeling a chill.

You weren’t sure what it was, but the city was brighter than usual tonight. The reason was most likely the fact that you don’t get out much – or you haven’t until just recently. There was an amorous muted illumination on the streets you walked along. Since you were so used to a certain confined area, when you stepped out into the fast-paced world, you were much more observant. Of all the vivid colors and gales of the night. And of the tall buildings that laid asleep, and the pavement against your feet.

And especially of the quiet man next to you.

It wasn’t hauntingly soundless or lonely as your days on the terrace either. Many people still lingered the perimeter since your date was cut short by some special accidents and it was still early out. Compared to them, you and Jungkook moved at a much slower rate, in a hush as if to stall the moment. Make it last for a second- a minute- a while longer.

Was Jimin’s silence this serene? No, it wasn’t. You often spent time hating yourself between the hushed cracks of your relationship. When he was speaking, all you could think about was him. How you’d do anything for him. When he wasn’t…you wanted to strangle the pain out of your heart. The pain caused by his lies and infidelity.

“This is it…” You say, as you look up at Irene’s apartment building.

“You live here with your friend, right?”

“Mhm, my friend who’s going to kill me for coming back early. Maybe that’s for the best since that lady thinks I’m a murderer now. Her and whoever finds my shirt in the restroom’s trash.”

Jungkook lets out a breathless laugh, “I know I’m just repeating myself, but I really am sorry about spilling wine on you, and then ruining your shirt. And not knowing that you were my boss- My god! I mean I just spoke to you so casually arghh-”

He begins to ruffle his hair in frustration and embarrassment, but you step close to him and grab his wrists.

“Oh please, Jungkook, I’m the one who should have told you straight up! I think…I just enjoyed how casual you were around me. It didn’t feel like I was putting up a false pretense, even if I was. I had fun…I always have fun with you.”

I’m always me when I’m with you. Jungkook removes his arms from his face so he could take a good look at you, watching the way the night air played with your hair. You were so beautiful, so graceful, and he wondered if you knew it.

“Me too…I have fun with you. That one pretty donut really sparked up the best challenge.”

You smile at his reply and he had to do everything in his power to stop himself from kissing you.

“Hey, uhm…” Jungkook stares at the ground, replacing the wrists in your hands with his palms. “I don’t know if…would you like to see me again? S-soon? I mean…i-if you want.”

He really was the most endearing man, you think, as you watch him stutter. The complete opposite of your ex-husband.

Your smile falls.

When you don’t answer, Jungkook looks back up at you apprehensively.

“___? Do you not want to see me again?”

You still didn’t answer him…you couldn’t. Even the night couldn’t stop him from glowing. From the scar on his cheek, to his fluffy mess of hair, to his pink lips you tried your best not to leer at. He was undeniably handsome. Here was this beautiful young soul who gave you true laughter and a swooning heart for the first time in seven years, and then here was you. Someone who compared him to her ex the whole date.

Someone who thought about her ex the whole date.

And why was that? Didn’t you say that you didn’t love Jimin? That was true. You spent many hours in conversation with yourself and when you look inside, you don’t love Park Jimin. But it’s not so easy to forget everything else, is it? Seven years isn’t just some passed time – it’s a way of life.

You were someone for seven years and that someone happened to be the woman who loved Park Jimin.

It wasn’t easy to forget, no matter how desperately you wanted to. The thing that infuriated you the most was that you had done nothing wrong. Why were you the one so broken inside? You didn’t cheat, you didn’t lie, you did nothing that was considered erroneous. So why you and not him? He should be the one who has to second guess everything…the one who feels scared and helpless and lost.

The one who has to carry all the pain.

You wish you could easily hand over your heart because it’s too big of a burden for you. There was a slight chance that the man in front of you could hold onto it safely.

But in reality, it was a broken and damaged heart. The shards carried more weight than anyone should bear. You were still caught in your feelings and Jungkook didn’t deserve that. Neither did you.

In the end, it was your responsibility. No matter how unfair it was and how resentful you felt towards Park Jimin. You made a mental note to mention about all these matters to Lin on your next appointment.

“__-”

“Jungkook I-”

You both interrupt each other’s thoughts. When you catch his eyes, Jungkook silently urges you to continue.

“Jungkook…I…I just got out of a seven-year relationship.”

For a moment, you wait for his reaction. He looks slightly taken aback, but nothing too extreme.

“And I’m…I’m not…ready yet. I’m not ready for another one.”

Jungkook nods, staring at you and then back at the pavement. It hurt your chest to reject him like this, but he deserved the truth.

“D-do you still-”

“He was my husband.”

His eyes shoot back to you, shock written along his young features. You look deep into his shiny orbs, before tightening the hold on his hands.

“Jungkook, I really, really like you. But I’m not ready yet…can you understand me?”

An unreadable silence falls upon you both. Jungkook stood there quietly, not breaking his gaze off you and you were certain that he knew you weren’t ready to speak to him about it. Not yet. A few seconds felt like hours as you planted your feet further against the sidewalk, nervously waiting for his reply. This was a lot of pressure to put upon someone, and you knew that. He deserved better. Which is why you would respect whatever Jungkook would say next…but you aren’t going to lie, if he left you right now, it would really hurt.

“I understand…I’ll wait for you.”

For a second you thought you hallucinated his answer, but when he smiled that bunny toothed smile you’ve come to love in such a short time, you felt tears well up in the corner of your eyes. You breathe out a laugh of relief.

Closing your eyelids, you try to hide your tears in case he misunderstands.

“I-I’m glad…thank you Jungkook.”

“No, thank you…for giving me a chance when you were still struggling to pick yourself up. I mean I am moving too fast, asking my former boss’ number out of nowhere and then kind of cheating on the challenge.” He says lightheartedly, “It’s why my offer still stands you know…I’ll still be your servant for a week if you want.”

“Shut up!” You hit his chest lightly with your fist, even though your cheeks felt like they would burst with your smile.

His large sleeves dangle on you as you move your wrists and you instantly remember you were still in his coat.

You gasp, “Jungkook, just wait here. I’ll go get changed and return your coat, alright?”

He shakes his head.

“No, keep it.”

You furrow your eyebrows at him.

“It looks expensive, Jungkook…I’ll just go take it off quickly.”

“No, it’s fine.”

You scoff, “Bu-”

“It gives you a reason to see me again.” He smirks

You didn’t even have time to respond before his lips were on you. Your mouth drops open as you feel him kiss your forehead and then pull back with the widest grin.

“See you around.” He says, before running off into the night.

You stand there, in front of your apartment building, in Jungkook’s coat, still trying to piece together the whole night. Even though your legs hurt from standing, you don’t regret it one bit. He was so strange…you would have wanted to see him again no matter what. With another scoff, you begin to laugh. Something you were doing a lot more of these days.

It was a nice feeling. Better than your past.

There was a lot of uncertainty moving forward. You were out of a job, living with your best friend, soon to be a divorcee who might own a bistro. Oh, and you had new peculiar friends like Yoongi, Taehyung and of course Jungkook. This date had officially been your first big step.

It was everything you didn’t imagine, but you loved it. Not for a second did you have to think about how to make your date happy…how to get him to pay attention to you. He was sincerely happy to be with you. And to you, that means everything.

Still, you wonder if he liked ratatouille. You didn’t want to have perfect that dish for nothing.

Looking back up at where Jungkook once stood, you relish the night wind for just a little while longer.

“Goodnight, Jeon Jungkook. Thank you for the roses.”

#bts #jeon jungkook #bts x reader #jungkook x reader #jungkook fluff #jimin angst #R:CHTMD

[roses-ruby]

Your story “Come Home to Me...Darling” is soooo good. It made me feel so many emotions 🤩 I know you e answered a lot of questions regarding jimin and oc having a kid and how they would react to certain situations. I was wondering how would jimin and OC’s parents react if they announced that their having a baby 👶?

thank you, i love answering chtmd questions so no worries.

so jimin's parents would be happy cause finally their son's wife is being useful. jimin's mom has a son complex and she's the one who spoiled him the most, so she's sort of possessive over her son when it comes to women (nothing incestuous, just a psychological thing) and she was irked the most when jimin decided to get married. but she's also not someone who can say no to her son, so she just wanted a person who will spoil jimin like she does and OC was perfect for that. this is something both the mom and dad noticed. they did extend proper courtesy towards the oc and oc who was starved for love was in over her head at the slightest bit of kindness so they all got along well and kept in touch occasionally. however the more years that went by without news of a grandchild, the more worried jimin's mom became. she would never bother jimin over something like this but there were times where she would invite the oc over to "encourage" her to have a kid, even once insinuating the uselessness of barren women. the dad also thinks a woman should provide a child but he's also someone who doesn't butt into people's business. so yeah, the worst news of oc's life would have been an absolute delight for them.

as for oc's mom, she's someone who literally doesn't understand how her daughter feels unless oc directly tells her. like you know how people can notice things from small habits of other people. for instance if they remove cucumbers from their dish = they must dislike cucumbers. yeah she's someone who wouldn't notice that until oc screams 'i hate cucumbers' in her face. anyway she would be ecstatic thinking oc and jimin's relationship is going well because oc is pregnant and jimin hasn't left her lmao. a very simple minded woman who only sees things through her own special lenses.

#r:chtmd #r:ask #anon

[roses-ruby]

Hey love, hope you’re having a wonderful weekend!! I just wanna say that your stories are very good 😌 keep up the good work!!

If you don’t mind, I was wondering since both OC and Jimin went to college how do you think they will react if their child would say that they don’t want to go to college maybe because they don’t see the purpose of it or simply don’t know what they wanna do?

ty ty 💖💖💖 hope you’re taking care of urself as well mwah

well they aren’t exactly the best parents or healthiest people. if the child said this to the OC, she’ll be pretty upset and confused. she’s ur average puppet capitalist (ofc if she stayed with jimin and didn’t realize her dreams to ✨not work 9 to 5✨) so she may try to guilt trip/manipulate the child into going to college regardless of their desire. jimin wouldn’t be in the child’s life by then and he won’t care either way on the outside because it’s a hassle to deal with. but he would demean the child internally because like why would a child of jimin be so underachieving (according to his standards) it must be one of ur traits and a even better reason to not mingle with you both.

personally i just want to say that the current educational institutions are nothing but gimmicks and do not determine your worth. the overpriced classes/books or fancy campuses are symbolic for the bourgeoisie and are a parallel to a glorified capitalist society.

#college is important to be able to barely survive late stage capitalism and that’s why so many of us are trapped in this hell including me #however if you have the means to not attend than I encourage that choice #r:chtmd #r:ask

[roses-ruby]

Come home to me...Darling

Jimin x Female Reader

Ao3 Link

Part 1 of 2 (Part 2)

Genre: Cheating!AU, angst, soft vanilla smut , fluff

Warnings: Sex, Infidelity, Cursing, Sad

Word Count: 22,677

Summary: Jimin cheats and you try to make him stay. But whatever you do, it’s never enough.

A/N: YAAASSSSS, I’m done. This was originally supposed to be a one shot,,,but :),,,my brain,,,and hands,,,:),,,never know when to stop. My planning consisted of ‘Oh I could add this here’ or ‘Oh I could type more to this part’ and here we are 20k words later. Also plz let me know what you think.🥺 I need gratification babes🥺 Anyway, enjoy!

It was subtle really. Blink once and you’d miss it.

The first time Jimin cheated on you was two years into your marriage. An older lady, Jessica something – beautiful and elegant. You remember her as one of Jimin’s college professors, an intelligent woman who loved France and fine things. Running into her at a charity gala caught him by surprise, he seemed to forget your existence for the half hour they spent conversing. You couldn’t blame him, you were never the most interesting person, and she had all the wits on her side. Consequently, finding a text on his phone two weeks later that read ‘Last night was amazing, but it can’t happen again…’ caught you by surprise. He took a long relaxing shower as you gripped his left open phone and wept in your shared bedroom. After what felt like hours; he came out, wet hair sleeked back, a towel loosely hanging on his hips and gave you a tiny peck as you set up dinner.

It took you so long to recover. Softly becoming withdrawn and half of a living shell. Yet he continued to torture you with his endearing smile, his cheesy dialogues, and piercing stares until the memory faded away; the gala, the meeting, the text. Soon you were in his arms again, making sweet love to your first love. Drowning out the images of the text, convincing yourself you misunderstood, as you always do. Jimin is a difficult man to figure out after all. Even if it did happen, it’s over now – Jimin stayed with you and that’s what counts. Anyone else would have left your miserable self years ago, no?

And in the end that became your truth, no matter how hard your conscious tried to tell you otherwise when you laid awake in the middle of the night. But you wanted to save your marriage, so you left no stone unturned. You sank any rational thoughts and feelings – pushing them deep inside a hidden vault – never to float above the thin striped surface of your happiness. As long as Jimin comes home to you.

You never spoke of it.

The second time he was unfaithful was with his so-called best friend Mina about a year and a half later. His age, long curly hair and doe eyes – she was one of the guys. Preferring sweatpants over skirts and gaming over the salon, she easily befriended Jimin with similar interests. She was so different from you, so youthful and quirky. It happened repeatedly; with someone he’s known for so long…someone who knows you exist – and how much you love him. Dread settles in your stomach like a rock, as you thought this might be it, he’ll be taken away from you this time. And even though he came home every time, it still hurt more and more. How could you let this happen again? Why were you never good enough? Getting to the point where you could no longer tolerate the heartache you hesitantly confronted him about it one day. After he missed your anniversary date and came home with messy hair, ruffled clothes and a hint of a love bite, of course. No way for anyone to deny that…even if you tried.

Jimin came back to you a mess. He was careless. It was 5 in the morning and half the city was deep asleep. Holding you in a smothering back hug he cried and cried and cried. Rushed apologies fell from his lips as he soaked the back of your night dress with tears. Turning to face him, you cupped his jaw, wiping away the tears occupying his cheeks. Any curses you might have wanted to say to him fell away into the void, as you gently give him a hug. He’s trembling through his cries as he holds you back tighter than ever. Closing your own damp eyes, you try to calm your loud heart with his scent.

You look into the windows of his soul – he looks lost – scared almost, just like a little boy. Not the man you’ve grown accustomed to. Yet you wait for a response, opening your ears for him to repent, to apologize. Because that’s who Park Jimin is – he wouldn’t hurt anyone like this. This isn’t him.

“I-I-I’m s-sorry…*hic* I-It didn’t mean an-anything *hic*,” He barely made out a sentence

“Do you…love her?” You cringe as soon as you word out love. Never in your life had you been more afraid than in that moment, waiting for his response. Which took him a minute as he faced away from you, clenching his eyes shut. Trying to drown out the expression of agony on your face – all because of him.

“I…” Jimin opens his eyes, looking at the marbled floor of your cold apartment “It’s not that”

“Then why” You choke out, tears making their way down your face again and you grimace in embarrassment

“…I don’t know…I just-”

“Do you love me?”

You interrupt him, and he finally looks up at you, meeting your eyes. The shocked expression on his face morphs into pain; his silence becomes his answer.

Losing strength in your knees, you fall onto the floor wailing. Jimin’s quick on his feet and bends to your shaking torso. Tentative at first, he takes a second before he wraps his arms around you. You can feel him crying along – his tears soaking the skin of your cheek.

“I do!” He shouts making you jump in his arms “I do! I love you, I love you, I love you”

It was as if he was chanting to himself. Trying to persuade himself that he does, like he desired persuasion more than anything in that moment. But you were too blind to see it.

You hold onto him tightly, needing to feel his warmth through your freezing skin. Sniffles and hiccups fall through your mouth, and you have difficulty controlling your breath. Jimin’s never seen you cry like this; the last time might’ve been when you spoke about your mom 3 years ago. Telling him all the pain she’s put you through which made is blood boil. Now he’s the one responsible for every tear – every whimper that left you, he’s responsible for your broken state.

“I thought I lost you, that you weren’t coming back. That you would leave me for her”

“I’m glad you’re home, *sniff* Jimin…please always come home,” You speak through tears, your worthless body selfishly clinging onto his addictive heat, “…please don’t leave me”

“I won’t”

He pulls away from you. You see the tears staining his face, and you move your fingers to wipe them. To make him your perfect man again.

“I’m sorry …sorry…” he whispers, cutting through the calm of the bright room.

You look out the window of the colorless sky. The rain smacks against the glass in scolding, holding you awake in your otherwise inert body.

“I’ve never liked this place Jimin…let’s move away from here…let’s start over…Okay?

The look in your eye is so sincere – so desperate and Jimin can’t tell you no. He gives you a quick ‘Okay’ and you’re in each other’s arms again. Both searching for the missing sun on that stormy night.

Usually, after such a dramatic scene there’s a huge happy ending where every character gets some form of sedation and contentment. But sadly, that could never be the case with you. It had been three years since you both moved into the big city. Leaving your past behind is in no way easy, but you would have gone to the world’s end for Jimin. Besides, it wasn’t like you had much to stay for. All you’ve ever had was Jimin. It took a lot of love and patience, but these three years you felt your relationship grew stronger; better. That’s what you liked to believe.

You’d been married for six years now. Six wonderful years since he walked up to you one spring day in college, told you the professor had made you partners and gave you a smile you’d think only angels would be capable of. Not that you’d admit it, but you fell in love right in that moment between his ethereal features and the blossoms that danced in the wind outside the large window you sat next to. You knew about him, he was quite famous on campus. Park Jimin, the ladies’ man – someone who drove even men crazy – trapped on his presence. Everyone raved about Jimin, he was a topic in every third person’s conversation. A beautiful and charming man. It was a world far different from yours.

You grew up reserved and introverted. Growing up, you never had someone to call a friend. In elementary school, when kids were becoming socially productive and playing tag at recess, you were stiff and late to respond to any of your quick-witted classmates. In middle school, amongst blue eye shadow and girl’s getting their first piercings, you managed to win the science bowl and always had your head buried in a book.

Highschool came around and hormones ran amok, making all and sundry aggressive towards the other. Aside from a snide comment and a snicker directed at you, you never really had any run-ins with bullies. You blended in with the shadows, and no one knew or cared for your presence. Similarly, at home your mom was never around, but there were some lucky dates once every blue moon she’d have dinner with you. It would be something you made, you took refuge in your kitchen often and it brought you peace of mind. Even then, all she cared about was if you were keeping up your grades. And still, everyday you’d spend hours waiting on her to come home without her insight. She seldom did.

Throughout your years, you tried to understand her. Her husband, your dad, left her when she was 8th months pregnant with you. She was a career woman, and in a sense, you were her biggest misfortune. The cause of him abandoning her, the cause of her hitting the brake on her career. So, you never complained; manage to drown out the child begging for affection inside of you. Even when she couldn’t make it to your graduation ceremony, where you gave the valedictorian speech. Actually, you were glad she didn’t come, you weren’t the best at speeches and even some teachers were yawning as you spoke on the podium that day. It was dreadful, you stayed up all night to write those words, and no one gave it a second thought. Since then you preferred it, staying a meek secondary character.

Jimin was salutatorian of his own high school. He joked about how his homeroom teacher cried and made a big fuss the day he graduated. His parents were so proud of him, and he shed many tears saying farewells to his friends and colleagues. How embarrassing his speech was, how everyone laughed at his little mistakes. But you knew, the laughs directed around Jimin could never be malicious.

You smiled looking through his photo album in his college dorm, seeing Park Jimin look so happy through the plastic covers of the pictures. His head was on your lap and he held your waist by his arm, wanting nothing more but to be close to you. Glancing at him then back at the album made you realize, however, that a camera couldn’t capture the true exquisiteness of the way he stretches his lips or how polished his crescent eyes would actually become. Park Jimin was an unexplainable beauty and he graced your stiff-as-a-stick figure with his company, making alarms in your head flare at his honey scent.

You wish he could look that happy now.

The amorous twinkle in his eyes, one to make you smile for days, had fallen some time ago. No longer was his laughter in sync with yours, no longer did he caress you so softly when you fell deep into your subconscious – worried about whatever seems so trivial at this instant. His eyes focused more on his phone’s screen and his sweetly whispered confessions, just for you; a legend of the past.

Sitting across from him on the table, you watch as his figure, lost in his tiny mechanical device, smirks for the nth time. His long fingers drop the fork in his other hand, as he begins clacking at his screen, a hint of pink on the highs of his cheeks.

“Something funny?” You question, casually taking a bite of your ratatouille after

“Hm, what?” He looks up, a bit startled to see you in front of him. He completely forgot about your company, when you were just a foot away.

“Your phone,” You point at the man who seems a bit embarrassed – a bit afraid, “Want to share what’s going on”

It was a question you didn’t want a yes to.

“Nothing,” He waves his hand dismissively, “Jin’s just being an idiot”

He puts his phone face down by his plate, suddenly more interested in dinner. You watch carefully as he takes his first bite, a tiny portion of the sauce caught on his chin.

“How is it?” You question nervously

“Hmm, it’s nice” He says. Not bothering to look up, disregarding your presence yet again as he quickly tries to stuff the food down his throat

“O-oh, I’m glad”

It was his favorite dish. A night of a Disney film had made him enraptured with it, so much so that you made fun of him for tearing up at the end. The next day you had made him an exact replica of the dish, the perfectionist in you pinpointing it to an idealism only the original animator of the film could reach. And it was worth it, when his face lit up, when he exaggerated the taste through his facial expressions, when he gave you a million and one kisses that night. It was all worth it. One of your most fond memories. You came home early today and spent the whole day recreating it, taking time off from your busy schedule –   leaving your job to slave in the kitchen. Even making homemade baguette, which he didn’t even touch.

Hopeful that he’d return your efforts with gratitude, with laughter…with a kiss.

You wake up out of your thoughts when his chair screeches,

“Thanks for the food,” He smiles, picking up his phone and walking away, into your shared bedroom.

You were a slow eater, you weren’t surprised he left. But you recall the days he used to stay, watching you stuff your face even after he was done with his meal. It always made you complain, and he’d just laugh, telling you how cute you were when you ate. How he couldn’t get enough of that image. Oh, how is words made you blush in those days.

“They’re beautiful,” You sigh, holding your jaw with your palm and looking into the vast distance. In front of you laid thousands of blue bonnets, neatly apprehended by the fancy garden Jimin had brought you to.

“They’re nothing compared to you,” A sweet voice comes from behind you, instantly flustering you in your frilly overdressed toes.

You blush and turn away from the voice, who just laughs at your actions. God, you loved that laugh. It was airy, filled with spring’s purity. The floral winds pick up slightly in front of the balcony and you rub your arms to fight the chill. “Oh, baby,” He coos, encasing you in his arms and placing his head on your shoulder.

“Didn’t know late April could be this chilly,” mumbling, he peppers kisses into your neck. You let your head roll back onto him and part your lips.

The sun was starting to set, and the sky exhibited pink and peach splotches. You wanted to live like this forever; watching the world pass by in his arms. He had been yours for a year now, an unbelievable, amazing, loving, long year. It was dreamlike – Jimin’s eyes, his smile, his scent, his love. Sometimes you thought you would suddenly wake up and be alone in your bed again. That this fantasy would shatter and wouldn’t leave a trace of any shards.

He feels you stiffening in his arms and moves his head off your shoulder to look at you

“What’s wrong”

“I’m just thinking again,” you sigh, not making eye contact with him

“All you need to think about is me,” He pouts making you giggle

“I am thinking about you silly”

“So, you’re thinking bad things about me?”

You gasp dramatically, “I would never”

He starts poking your sides – still tightly holding you in place with one of his arms wrapped around your waist

“Then what, huh?” He questions in a mocking tone as you struggle and laugh in his grasp, “What were you thinking about me?”

“Oh haha – Sto – hahahah Jimin!” You finally grab onto his wrist. Catching your breath, you turn your face to him,

“I was thinking about how much I love you. And how I don’t want to be alone again”

Jimin’s smile disappears as he loosens his hold on you. You take the opportunity to twirl around and look him in his captivating doll eyes, “I don’t want to sleep alone ever again. My bed’s too cold”

He cups your face and searches for something in your eyes with his brows furrowed. You wonder if he found what he was looking for, but you wouldn’t know, the expression didn’t last long before he brought his million-dollar smile back.

“You won’t, I’ll always warm it up” He responds taming your wild heart, making you lean your face into his palm and close your eyes. You feel his lips on yours and you kiss him back with twice the fervor. Your tongues dance in the sunset as he trails the back of his index and middle finger down your back. His hand rests on your hips and he parts from you.

“I’ll also have no problem warming up my baby” He gives you a cocky smirk, letting his breath fan your face. You, like clockwork, turn crimson and struggle to maintain eye contact. Jimin lets out another airy laugh which makes you pucker.

“You’re mean,” you say, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in for a hug. Again, he sits his head on your shoulder as your bodies mold together and block the spring breezes.

In bliss you close your eyes and breathe in the honey that symbolizes Jimin. Your lips were still wet, carrying his essence and drawing you in further. If this is a dream, you will make the most you could with it. You would make the most you could with Jimin. The smile on your face threatens to rip through your cheeks – but you couldn’t care less about the pain.

Opposite from you was Jimin, staring into the abyss of blue bonnets. But he didn’t encase a smile on his features this time – no. Instead his eyes were emotionless, his face expressionless as he leisurely patted your back in comfort through your embrace. There were no flowers in his vision, no scents in his senses, no winds near his skin. All he could do was watch that sun set, turn the once unadulterated horizon dark and bleary.

Spring had left his mind long ago.

Count your blessings they say.

Jimin woke up by the smell of pancakes. With his eyes shut, he took a few sniffs of the pleasant smell wafting through the bedroom. He opened his eyes when the door banged open,

“You’re up,” You smile, holding a tray of pancakes and glasses with orange juice.

He smiles and sits up, “Good morning”

“Good morning to you,” you reply setting down the tray in front of him and taking a seat on the edge of the bed next to him. His bed hair was making half of his bangs stick upwards off his forehead making you snort.

“Aww, babe,” He gasps at the food in front of him, sleepy eyes going wide, “You shouldn’t have!”

You giggle at him being so dramatic as you pick up a fork and cut off an edge of the pancake. Bringing it up to his face, he opens his mouth comically and you laugh again as he takes ahold of your wrist and shoves the bite into his mouth. He’d been leaving for work early and coming back late for the last three months, so you took the opportunity to wake up 2 hours before he leaves, just so you could catch him in bed with breakfast.

“My turn,” He says with a mouthful. Cutting up a large bite of his own, he puts it in front of your lips, “Ahhh~”

You mimic his words and open your mouth, laughs leaving you as Jimin tries to make it all fit.

“Is it good?” You ask him after you swallowed your piece, the juice having to help you along the way resting in your palm

“Of course, everything you make is so delicious,” He smirks, licking his lips seductively. Jimin throws his head back and laughs when you blush and avert your gaze

“Six years and you haven’t changed” Laughing, he grabs another bite of the fluffy cakes with his fork and you smile.

‘You have, though’ is what you want to say staring at him cheerily munch on his breakfast, but instead you choose to swallow down your words with another gulp of your juice.

“So, I’m still your sweet little kitten?” You question with a suggestive grin on your lips

He looks up at you and squints his eyes, “You want to be a kitten?” He asks, tilting his head to the side

There’s a sudden mix of embarrassment and confusion that rushes up your spine at his completely clueless expression, making you feel disoriented. “T-that’s…you used to call me kitten in college,” You reply, like it was the most obvious thing. Like it was something special.

His face finally lights up in recognition, “You remember that? Oh, honey that was forever ago,” He continues to focus on his pancakes, slightly chuckling at you

It was stupid really. Back in the days Jimin had countless other girls he flirted with, but he never called them anything but their birth name. So, you let kitten make you feel superior because he only ever gave you a nickname. Only you. And strangely, it also gave you a sense of belonging…to him. The first time he called you that, was the day Jimin had actually asked you to become his girlfriend. It was something you never expected even in your wildest dreams, you even remember the color underwear you wore that day. He used to say it was one of his warmest memories.

However, he seemed to be forgetting quite a lot about the past…your shared past. Almost as if he didn’t…You force yourself to snap out of it, the Jimin stuffing his face once again becoming visible to you. Shame fills you for thinking such terrible things about your husband. You weren’t an actual pet, you shouldn’t feel even slightly offended at his passive remark. There was something wrong with you…you needed to live in the now, with the Jimin that seemed so content in the moment. Forget the past already, you scold yourself, you left it behind for a reason.

It had been awhile but you were glad he was so happy. That you were making him so happy.

“Jimin,” You say delicately at the man putting on his dress shirt

“Hmm?” He turns around, making you nervous at the eye contact

“I’m going to be home early tonight; do you want to go out for dinner by the river?”

“Sorry,” He smiles, “I’m working late tonight”

“Oh” you say, not meaning to look so obviously dejected

“I’m sorry babe,” He comes towards you who’s standing by the bedside, your shoulders slumped in disappointment. Giving you a hug, he tells you about this stupid assignment his boss put him and his team on, how he’d rather spend time with you. That’s all it takes for you to melt into him and forget all about your discontentment. It’s been weeks since he last touched you, even gave you a moment in time to provide you with an explanation for his absence. You missed his warmth so much.

“It’s alright, I’ll finish up some overtime,” You tell him as he goes back to dressing himself up, tightening his silver Rolex on his wrist. You wonder if he heard you since he didn’t respond and left the room without a word.

Evening rolled around rather quickly that day, the sun rapidly making its way underneath the horizon. You were finishing up some last-minute touches on your report. Originally, it’d take someone 3 hours to finish this, but you finished it in half an hour. Sighing, you conclude you should just head home. Your couch was way more comfortable than this office chair, so might as well just wait for Jimin to get home again. He had told you not to disturb him at his work place unless you had a good reason to, and sadly you were out of excuses to go see him. Even if he was late, maybe tonight you both could catch up that show he loved or maybe he’d in the mood for something more intimate? It had been a while after all. Smiling to yourself you get up and make your way to your secretary.

“I’m done for the day Yura, you can go home if you’d like”

“Oh, thank you ma’am” She says smiling at you as you grab your coat. “Ma’am, did you get a chance to look at the new hires information I left on your desk”

“I didn’t yet, this board meeting is taking up most of my mind, I’ll take a look tomorrow” You reply, walking toward the glass doors leading to the elevators.

“Ma’am!” Your secretary of two years shouts when you’re about to open the door. She appears hesitant as you eye her with a questioning look, staring at the ground with furrowed brows. Shuffling on her feet, she tightens her closed fist making you concerned. There seemed to be something weighing her down.

She was a kind and bright girl, ready to do whatever you said. Sometimes you conjectured if she knew you a bit too well; as she would knock with coffee in her hand even before you had asked, or immediately made phone calls on your behalf the days the stress became too much for you. When she first joined your company, there was something about her eyes that reminded you of your childhood days. It made you secretly dote on her and promote her from her dull cubicle. Though, you weren’t the best at social cues. Each time you had a conversation with her, it would be directed back to work, even if you just wanted to have a casual lunch with her. You hated having social anxiety to the point of being afraid of your own secretary. Because of that, you never really knew anything about her, or any of the people you ever worked with. Other than a few names and birthdays. Just like high school, you had no one to call a friend.

Jimin, on the other hand, was the popular coworker. He had his colleagues wrapped around his fingers, they would be at his beck and call even on the weekends. It was magical really, it wasn’t like Jimin was anyone’s boss – more of a group leader and that somehow made him even more popular. Envy would overcome you, watching Jimin easily converse with someone he’d just met like he knew them for years. Both of Jimin and of the person who has your husband’s attention. That’s just how it was with Jimin, he knew what to say and when to say it. Not like you.

Even now, when you’re genuinely worried about the mysterious young woman, you don’t know how to correctly state your concern,

“Is everything alright, Yura?”

Seemingly snapping out of her thoughts, she gives you a wide-eyed glance,

“Umm…Yes! Everything’s fine. Umm…Please take an umbrella, it’s supposed to rain tonight…” She says before you watch her scurry off back to her desk

Thanks to Yura, you now had an excuse to see Jimin. Parking into the back lot of Jimin’s work place you grab the pizza you bought him and his team from his favorite restaurant, as well as an umbrella. You wanted to scold him because you always warned him to be careful and stay prepared, but instead he’d joke about how much of an organized worrywart you were. What if he were to get sick in the rain? His boss would kill him judging by how relentlessly he makes Jimin work. Taking a glimpse at the thundering sky, you rush inside the warm building to take the lift.

Broken.

Sighing you walk toward the stairs. Jimin’s office was on the 15th floor. Holding onto his pizza tight, you haste along the stairs, eagerly waiting to see his face. He’s probably so tired and knowing him he probably hasn’t eaten yet. You wonder if he’s even hydrated, you knew how hard Jimin could be on himself. Six years of marriage made you watch an insecure young man develop into a hard-working adult, who pushes his limits far too much for your liking. As you passed every floor, you could feel your knees become weak and a hint of sweat build along your forehead as your arms felt mildly sore from the edges of the pizza box. Breathing hard with each step, you worriedly hoped your make up was okay. You had redone your face in the bathroom of your building, wanting to please Jimin with your looks. Finally, you made it to the 15th floor, and walked into the hallway, trudging towards Jimin’s office on your tired feet.

Maybe you should’ve went home. Spend another cold night eating ramen in your kitchen. Watched the rain pour down in your empty apartment. Maybe you should’ve made something yourself, taken protection behind cooking like you did when life got lonely. Stayed up waiting for him in the afterhours again. Then maybe, just maybe your relationship wouldn’t have taken such a drastic turn. Maybe you could’ve stayed ignorantly blissful, with your gratified marriage of six years. Content with the fact that no matter how late, Jimin still managed to come home to you. You could’ve have continued to wordlessly live with that.

Whatever you could have done, you shouldn’t have come.

When you notice how silent it is on his floor, slight confusion fills you. Wasn’t his team supposed to be here working on an assignment? It felt like everyone had gone home already. As you reach his door, you freeze. The lights inside his office are so dim, they’re almost out. Has he gone home by now? You’re about to turn away when you hear a muffled noise from inside the room. Relief washes over you to know he’s still here, and you nudge the door open with your right arm.

You shouldn’t have come.

As soon as the door opens, the muffled voices are no longer stifled. Instead they come washing over you one after the other like the outside thunder…the moans that is.

You suck in a breath as you hear the all too familiar grunts and groans of your husband, and a feminine voice calling out to him

“Ji-Jimin – ah – Sir” the voice whines as a slapping sound become apparent in the air. They were easy to spot. Hiding behind a large plant next to his desk, you identify your husband holding someone against the large pillar in his room. Her body completely molded into his, and her long legs wrapped around his torso – tightly holding him close. Even through the leaves of the large plant, you could see his bulging muscles straining as he held onto her petite figure. You recognized her long blonde hair, it was the secretary he hired three months ago – the really sweet one who always gave you a bright smiled. Tina. It was such a strange feeling; standing there, watching your husband fuck into someone else up against the wall. You felt like an intruder.

The blinds of his window were shut, which almost makes you scoff out loud. But you tremble instead, looking down at the pizza in your arms. Amid your shaking, you hear the sound of tongues smacking together. When you look back up, you see him kiss her passionately, as she moans into his mouth. “Kitten,” You hear him growl. That’s when you had enough. Quickly you move away from the door as it wordlessly shut in front of you. The scene before you had gone from your eyes but was ingrained in your mind. It’s as if them having sex was seared inside your pupils. It takes you a moment to gather yourself, and before you know it, you’re sprinting into the stair case. The adrenaline making your flight downstairs easy as you carry the pizza box and umbrella out of the building.

It’s raining.

You navigate through the heavy rain to find your car, which was abruptly more difficult in the sudden darkness. When you reached your car, you barge in clumsily, throwing all the items in your hands onto the passenger side. After you slam the door shut; as the noise of the outside, wet world becomes lull, you realize how soaked you were. You watch the many raindrops litter your windshield, pouring like a drain reflecting your heart. Quietly you put your forehead on the steering wheel and try to block out the heavy beating of the rain and your heart.

You knew.

It was obvious wasn’t it. You knew he wasn’t really working overtime for the past two months. You knew he couldn’t possibly be texting Jin that much. You knew every time he averted his eyes, he was hiding something. Knew it was only a matter of time again.

He was clever, subtler than before; practically straining on the tip of his feet. He would shower before coming home, you could always smell the shampoo on his blow-dried hair. Instead of just staying too late, he now took business trips for a day or two, telling you in the sweetest voice he’d be home soon. He bought a second phone – in secret obviously – you would have never found out had it not been for the forgetful habit he had since college of leaving items in his coat pockets. You fell upon it while doing the laundry six days ago and a part of you wonders if he left it there on purpose. You were too scared to speak up about it.

You knew didn’t you.

So how can something you feel so mentally prepared for hurt so bad? Why are you shaking so hard that you have to hold yourself together with both of your arms – wrap them around yourself like a shield. Why are you crying – your tears in rhythm with the heavens above? Every time you close your eyes, you see the corrupt image of your husband and his lover, melting their sinful desires into one. Why is it killing you to know the truth? Were you grasping on to the smallest thread – the smallest hope that Park Jimin wouldn’t hurt you; that he wouldn’t leave you when your own mother left you? How foolish.

You realize the heavy truth of Jimin’s past affairs. Conjuring a vague idea of what and who he might be doing things to – that he should only be doing with you - and visually experiencing the reality your husband pounding into another woman is beyond nauseating. You felt so dirty by what you saw, so disgusted in your own body. Angry beyond despair, you wanted to tear off your skin. This woman you embodied, not worth loving by her own man, was worth nothing. The pandora box had opened.

“Mm – ah” you choke through your tears as the pain in your chest travels through your body like fatal poison, twisting around in your gut like a blade. All your hidden insecurities swim towards the surface, drowning you in your sorrow. Why would it be different this time? Why would someone love you? You recall your mother telling you something discreetly similar on your wedding day. That woman, that wise, wise woman – haunted by her own past. She was right.

Of course, this would happen, just look at you. What’s special about you? Tina walks with her head high, speaks with passion, is young and full of life. You’re practically a hag by now. He looked more satisfied in that moment then he’s ever looked at you, even at your best. Your cries become broken, your voice failing you every few seconds. Someone as bright as Park Jimin could never love someone as dim as you. He called her kitten, she’s his sweet kitten now.

You’re glad your illusion’s shattered. The moments you’ve doubted every happy second in your life, was a prediction of the future – this future. Nights you’ve laid awake while Jimin was snoring next to you, contemplating the sincerity of his actions, if he’ll really ever be content to be with you. All your questions are answered. And you feel like laughing at yourself really. Did you really believe someone as unworthy as you deserved happiness?

Hours pass by before you become too numb to feel the ache. Looking at the rain clouds, you marvel if the universe is trying to share your pain. It’s eerily familiar, this scene. Just like 3 years ago with Mina. You smile bitterly, how awful that you could never escape this fate no matter where you run off to. Even though you shouldn’t, you glance at Jimin’s office window. Still shut tightly and hidden away from you. You wonder if they’re still going at it…if your husband is still making love with her as passionately as he did with you on your first night. Fresh tears prick the corners of your eyes and you use that as a signal to clean your puffy eyes and drive home through the storm.

Jimin comes home around 2 in the morning. It was dark when he enters the house and he wonders if you’ve actually gone to sleep this time. It’s a good thing, at least he wouldn’t have to deal with you tonight. Whistling silently, he puts his keys on the counter, coordinating through the shadows by memory. It was raining so hard, he was worried about getting home. Thankfully Tina lent him an umbrella. As he’s taking off his coat, a strong burst of lightning startles him and he notices your silhouette sitting by a sofa chair near the window.

“You’re up?” He asks, confused as to why you’re sitting there in the dark, facing away from his view. You don’t say anything as you let thunder answer for you. Jimin sighs, “Babe, I told you not to stay up for me, haven’t I?”

When you don’t answer again, he walks over to the light switch and turns it on, squinting a bit at the now bright living room. That’s when he regards the boxes on the table.

“You bought pizza?” He asks, walking up to the dining room table, “…It’s soaked”

He looks at your motionless figure, perplexed by your silence.

“Baby…is everything okay?”

Jimin stays noiseless. Why’re you acting so strange he thinks, unnerved by your certain sullenness. He knows that generally, you aren’t very talkative, you aren’t bold or assertive, but after six years of marriage he can tell you always say what needs to be said. You’re honest and empathetic towards people, which is why they gravitate to you so easily. It’s why he married you. Today is the first day in years he can’t figure you out.

“…I…bought pizza on my way home,” You speak up slowly, your hoarse voice making you wince and cough, “But the rain caught me by surprise”

“It’s ruined,” Jimin states, as a matter of fact, picking up the edge of the soggy pizza box with his finger

“It’s ruined,” You answer back

In the reticence of the large room, Jimin captures an umbrella next to the boxes on the table. He’s even more confused now as to why you didn’t use the object, seeing as how wet it was, leading him to believe you had it on you. Of course, you would have one on you, little miss perfectionist. Almost everything you did was smart and logical, he could never catch up to you who could never make a mistake. So then, why didn’t you use the umbrella, he speculates.

His thoughts are interrupted by your voice sounding directly behind him.

“I bought it for you”

He turns to look at you; a bit wide-eyed and startled. He takes in your wet form, from the water slowly dripping out of the ends of your hair to the drenched coat you hadn’t removed off your body – even though you were shivering. The hair on his arms raise in alert as he takes a step back from your sad state,

“I bought it for you…” You say silently, not an emotion on your face

“…Are you sad that it’s ruined for me?” He says walking toward you

“…Yes”

“Oh Hon,” He hugs you and you harden at impact. You want to push him away and yell at him, tell him that it’s all worthless. Instead you stand there, tearing up in his arms, drenching his shirt with your tresses. You wanted to be loved by him so bad. You needed Jimin more than you needed to breathe and you would do whatever it takes to make him love you. Even if that means that he’ll have someone else in his life, even if you might be discarded tomorrow – as long as he comes home to you, you’ll continue to love Jimin. That moment, as he holds you to him while patting your hair, you let tears fall onto his shoulder feeling completely abandoned.

“I already ate, it’s alright”

Jimin had made you feel foolishly special.

“You’re so cute” Jimin laughs, holding your face in his palms as your puffy red face pouts and your tiny hands push away at his shoulder

“I-I’m telling you, I don’t know” You huff, prying at his strong hands.

“Well then, I’ll tell you the answer, but only if you ask nicely” He breathes into your face and you freeze from his proximity. He was always like this. So flirtatious, it made your knees buckle, so touchy, it made flames burn inside you for hours. You tell yourself he was only joking, to not mistaken his friendly nature as something distinct just for you. It made your heart throb, watching him giggle with other girls this way, whispering in their ear’s words meant only for them. It was how you knew you’d never mean anything to him, not like he meant to you.

You weren’t dating, although a few people who didn’t know you existed a few months ago came up to you and asked often. It hurt you in a way, the confusion in their faces as they studied you for a second. As if you knew why Jimin was so attached to you; why he came looking for you after each one of his classes, why he ran up to you every time he saw you in the hallway, or why he was so insistent on making time for you two to hang out despite his legions of pals to keep him company instead. The presentation with him was long from over, you had gotten an A, as usual. Yet he still continued to connect with you, leaving you muddled. You both became friendly rather quickly, and you fell in love even faster. It wasn’t like Jimin had any competition.

It also hurt to answer them with your memorized reply,

“We aren’t together. He is just…a friend”

You wished you could keep Jimin all to yourself, but you recognized that was such a selfish and irresponsible way of thinking.

It was quite despicable how smitten you were for him, swooning at the smallest wave of his hand. You wonder if he noticed, but actually, you’re certain he did. The way he’d smile at you every time you gave him the exact reaction he wanted. You wouldn’t know it, but he craved your responses. Having someone become so vulnerable with just a twitch of his eye was in a word – addictive. He loved having you so weak, so pliable…and he was the molder. He was a god to you, and he could never have enough of your hypnotized gaze.

“Please” You whisper in tiny tone which had him breaking out of his thoughts. Being pinned to a wall in your dorm room on a Friday night wasn’t what you had planned when Jimin offered to drop you off today, but here you were. Jimin had somehow managed to sneak into your doorway, weaseling his self onto your bed and asking you tons of weird questions.

“Alright baby,” You clench your eyes shut as he breathes into your ear, “If you were to be an animal – any animal – you’d be my own sweet little kitten” He purrs for an extra effect as you have to force your mouth shut before a moan slips out

“Jimin,” You mumble, practically falling onto his embrace; questioning why he did this stuff to you, as he pets your head gently. Nonetheless you’d have to remember, he was like this with everyone, you weren’t special to him. It made your gut clench with unspoken desire, but it was the truth. You were just a reactive pet to him, nothing more.

“There, there, my cute, sweet, tiny little kitten”

For the past 2 weeks, you’d been avoiding Jimin as much as you could. Not that you wanted to, but what you felt you had to. Your body was screaming at you – screeching through your ears to find Jimin – find his warmth, his love. But it was futile. It was as if he was your only source of vitality; a forbidden fruit you shouldn’t touch.

In return, you were a ghost with a physical body. You became demurer – more passive, almost like were waiting to completely disappear. Anything Jimin asked would be answered with a one- or two-word reply, you stopped hugging and kissing him all together, going as far as to avoid touches he’d initiate. Touches you used to crave more than air. Working was out of the question; your energy was depleted and even simple tasks like washing your hands was problematic. There were large bags under your eyes and the bones of your cheeks begun to stick out because you weren’t eating. You weren’t sleeping either, insomnia had taken control of your nights and you’d lay there listening to yourself berate you for driving Jimin away. Sometimes you’d take sleeping pills…sometimes you wish you could take them all.

You wonder if Jimin noticed. There were times when he was leaving for work or ‘hanging out with Jin’ that you catch a glimpse of his eyes, a ring of remorse surrounding his irises. Even so, he never acted upon it. He tries to make small talk at dinner these days, as an attempt to pacify you supposedly. Since that night he saw you drenched, he stares at your sunken face for a bit too long, when he thinks you aren’t paying attention. If you were in any other circumstance, you would have laughed at his effort. The reality though, is that you were losing a grip on life, wanting to fade away…you weren’t sure why Jimin stayed. You don’t know why he bothered, by now he knows he could do anything he wanted and would get away with it. Because you love him too much, because he’s all you have.

You took a month off from work. Your boss was stunned, her best employee who didn’t even take sick days suddenly taking a whole month? But she didn’t question it, she knew how hard of a worker you were and if you were doing this then there must be an important reason. She would even go as far as saying you were the most valuable employee; always on time, always going above and beyond, it’s why she made you a manager when you were just 5 months into your job. Work was a constant priority for you, you didn’t want to give it up either. It was a large cause in you and Jimin growing apart, in your opinion. Taking all those extra shifts and staying late made you near perfect at what you did. And you loved it – took pride in your job. But if your boss told you no, you were ready to quit, even having a resignation letter already typed up. Thankfully she had a soft spot for you.

No one was more shocked than Jimin however. He questioned you about it over and over. It seemed like you were a Rubik’s cube he was trying to solve. None of his prying methods worked, and it took him three days…three days to give up pestering you. Ask if you were doing okay. You thought you were worth more to him than that.

But recent events reminded you that you meant nothing to him. Nothing.

Waking up in the mornings was one of the hardest things you had to do. Jimin had already left for work and the house felt as empty as usual. You didn’t want to get up, you had no reason to. Any vigor you had last week felt spent; dissipating into thin air with such insignificance.

Now that you weren’t busy with some form of work for the first time in seven or eight years, you took note of how small your world was. All you would do is go to work or come home and wait for Jimin. You really didn’t have any friends, there wasn’t anyone you could talk to, opting to staying in bed and staring off into space. Into a parallel universe where you weren’t so pathetic, and your husband didn’t hate your guts.

Again, you wake up in the middle of the night. For the past few days you’ve been having the same nightmare. Jimin’s stone cold face turning away from you who’d on the ground in a black void. You call out to him at the top of your lungs – stretching your hand as far as it could go – but it’s no use, he’s walking away from you and up to someone faceless woman…maybe Tina. When you wake up, you’re drenched in sweat and tears, and there’s an ache inside your heart. The same one when you caught Jimin with his professor, with his best friend…with his secretary. And suddenly you’re replaying that horrid scene.

You’re in that dim room again, the dry leaves of that plant are still cutting through your view. Your husband is moaning as he thrusts into Tina’s tight pussy. She’s chanting his name over and over and you start crying at your own imagination. A strumming makes way through your body as you place a hand over your mouth to keep your voice quiet, so you don’t disturb Jimin. You’ll never be as good as her, your brain screams. Even if you can keep him during the day, you’ll never be able to satisfy him at night. Look at you, he didn’t even try to touch you tonight. He doesn’t want you. Tina’s tall and slender, beautiful curves and a gentle demeanor. You’re stale and old. Why have you when he can have the pretty new thing? He’s probably thinking of her the whole time he spends with you.

This night you peeked at Jimin’s sleeping figure. His back slowly tenses as he breathes in and out. You didn’t want to wake him, you really didn’t, but you needed his love so bad right now. Maybe it was the pills you took encouraging you to wrap your arms around his waist.

Maybe it was the darkness of the bedroom making you lean into him, push your face up against his back.

He stirs in his sleep and you feel your heart beating faster.

“Jimin” You whisper, feeling up on his body to placate your heart. To tell it that he’s right here, in your arms. He hasn’t gone away. “Jimin”

“Mm…not tonight,” Jimin says in a groggy voice, removing your arms from his torso, “I’m tired,” You sense slight irritation in his tone and move away from him. If he took a second to turn around, he would have seen the absolute devastation on your face.

He didn’t even try to see if you were okay, he just… fell back asleep without a word. You didn’t want sex…when have you ever wanted sex?! All you wanted him to do was to hold you and console you. Pacify you to sleep, like he used to when you first told him about your mom…or when you had a bad day at work. You didn’t want sex…you just wanted your husband, your most trusted friend, your first love.

You were right. You could never satisfy Jimin…so he didn’t even try to find it from you. He went to someone he knew could give it to him. Turning away from him you muffle your tears into your pillow.

In that cold bedroom, too lonely for your state of mind, too small to fit your insecurities, too fragile to hold you together, you realize the adult human heart is capable of shattering twice in one week.

You felt everything at once. The darkness of the silent chamber, the cold air contrast to his warm skin, the shivers in your spine from his fleeting touches. You took it all in. The sweat dripping through the rails of his skin, the mountains in his muscles, the flavor of his sultry voice. It was the formation of a galaxy, tearing you apart and putting you together.

The kisses he trails along your chest – his plush lips lax against the bumps on your skin leaving their marks of fire with sugar like attention. It left you in a moaning, quivering chaos. Your fingers ache to touch him, to rest themselves amongst his silky strands, shaking ever so softly. Yet your arms lay immobile on your sides.

Satisfied with tasting you he moves up using his muscled arms – he’s so gentle in handling you, like you were fragile glass. You look him in his scarlet eyes – violet spots tainting your vision.

His smile sinks as he takes in your face, angling his head and cupping your cheek.

“Why are you crying?” He asks

You didn’t take notice, letting out a tiny wheeze at his baritone. You had felt the tears, riding the curve of your cheekbones, settling onto the pillow beside your head – but you payed it no mind. More concerned with the glimmer of the angel perched above you. Even then, you bring up your nimble fingers to stroke them in amazement, as if you don’t see the culprit right before you. When your fingers crash into his hand, you take ahold of it, bringing to you lips to worship the man pining you into the bed.

“I…I love you” You choke out, drenched in the anxiety of your brain’s venom – persistently pulling you back to a somber reality. “I’m scared”

His eyes begin to match the room’s shade, his fist clench the sheets. A sensation lit deep within you, a realization of your angel’s call.

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll be gentle. I’ll make you feel so good, don’t worry”

He bends over to you, molding your lips together. You take him in without a complaint, your tongues dance around – the etiquette of personal space banished into the light. You gasp in his mouth as he slides into you, holding onto his arm with your small palm.

He lets out a groan once he’s completely seethed in your nectar. His face scrunches, eyebrows pushed together and eyes clenched as you arch your back at his intrusion; your face but a mere reflection. So slow, does he take himself back out with the expulsion of a breath, leaving in only the head as you whine in complaint and clench around him.

But he shushes you back up with his tongue, pushing into you once again afterward. His pace is steady; comforting like a serenade to the spring flowers. You try to control your breathing, but it’s useless as he moves inside you, hugging your frame with his large arms.

“You’re such a good kitten – fuck – better than anyone”

The silk sheets move under your body like tidal waves, while Jimin embodies the moon. A perfect balance of power, you’ve never felt so right until this – until the wetness between your thighs no longer embarrasses you. Instead you welcome it, twisting your own leg with one of Jimin’s so he could get deeper within you, light his fire beneath your soul.

“Mm–  ahhh, baby you feel so good, so perfect,” He sighs in your ear, trying to keep control of his movements. He doesn’t want to break you, he could never imagine being rough with you like he has been with countless nameless girls.

But he can’t help making his pace a bit faster when you whimper into the air – your speech like honey – pushing his repressed aggression forward.

“Jimin…Ah Jimin…. Jimin…I-…”

“Shhh…” he shushes your desperate call, rubbing your head with his hand.

“Mm- I’m cumming” You cry out in a tiny voice, so helpless and frightened it makes his heart ache. Your ears were ringing, and your womanhood was already sensitive from Jimin’s hour long ministrations; you were going to explode any second.

“Come baby, it’s all right, come for me my good girl” He arcs his hand until his fingers are in contact with your bud, painting loops on your most delicate area. You can no longer stop the sobs from spilling out of your mouth.

It was just that small push in his tone that undid the knot chained inside you as you hold onto his back with your nails digging into his holy skin. Words of affection fell from your lips, jaw lax at his girth.

A couple more thrusts and whines from you has him over the edge, spilling into you with his head thrown back, mouth ajar from your tightness.

When he finally remembers how to breathe again, he collapses off you, and pulls you into his chest.

It feels as if he ran a marathon as his heavy breaths catch up to him one after the other. When has he ever cum this hard with anyone else, and that too with nothing but pure vanilla? Glancing at your figure, he finds you on the verge of fainting, clutching onto him as if your life depended on it. He smiles, moving the hair sticking to you away from your face.

“Jimin,” You mumble, half of your conscious already in dreamland

“Hmm?” He asks, intrigued by your exhausted state. You’re usually so proper, so level headed, it’s always amusing to see you become like this all because of him. You’re his amusing kitten.

“I love you”

You fell asleep before you heard his answer.

It was a night like any other. You were waiting for Jimin to come home so you could take your sleeping pills and waste away to another morning. He hadn’t come home yet, and the clock was striking 1:30 AM. The cruel part of your mind was out in full force today, repeating every time he told you he loved you, just to be with someone else. Curling into a fetal position and shutting your eyes tight, you try to drown out the sound of you yelling at yourself.

Instead your mind decides to take you there again, in that place where this all started. The dim room, the closed blinds. Your husband and his lover. This time though, you’re on the other side of that pillar. There’s no plant blocking your view, no door to escape out of; just you, your husband and the girl he’s fucking against the pillar.

You stand there, frozen at the obscene image. It felt so real, so close you could almost touch it.

“S-sir” She moans in delight, Jimin hitting a particular spot that has her mewling. Is this how it’s like every night…on those business trips? This is who your husband is when he’s not around your presence. So lively and full of passion.

Suddenly, they both look at you, who’s trembling in tears that fell without your knowledge. They glare into your eyes, Jimin still thrusting into her, as she moans out your husband’s name. Then they laugh. Your eyes widen, and you take a step back, away from their menacing stare. Loud, sinister laughs echo off the walls of the compact office, you put your hands above your ears but it’s no use. Mina and Jessica stand before you, both with equally menacing expressions and they’re all laughing. You’re falling into an endless void of Jimin’s words, his laughter screeching inside your eardrums, yelling out a band of hidden insecurities.

“You’re nothing”

“– Worthless”

“You don’t even have a friend”

“Who would love you”

“– So boring I want to take my eyes out”  

“She doesn’t act dead in bed”

“I only married you because I pitied you”

“No!” You sit up with a blood curling scream. A dream you pant…just a dream. You clutch at your heart as sobs escape your throat. Taking a peek at the clock reveals it’s 2:45 AM. Shaking in your bed, you move about and whisper to yourself. It was just a dream, wasn’t it? Trying to calm down, you hush yourself until all you could hear was the subtle whirr of the air conditioning.

“Jimin?” You call out, wondering if he’s out there in the far darkness

No answer. Why wasn’t he home yet? Even in his careless cheating days he always came home by 2, so where the hell was he today?

Getting up from the bed, you shiver slightly in your sleeveless nightgown. You walk into the living room and turn on the light as you eye it inside and out, trying to find signs of another body. Picking up your cellphone, you click his contact on speed dial. Tsk, voice mail, what did you expect. You throw your phone across the room as sadness fills your bones and you pull on your hair in frustration.

You can’t be in here. Everything reminds you of Jimin. The couch you both cuddled on for movie marathons, the kitchen you spent hours in preparing food to make him smile, the foyer you danced waltz to every night in the first month of your move. You felt sick – suffocated in the reminder of Jimin’s absence.

Grabbing your coat, you leave your apartment to find the elevator. The top floor had a terrace like rooftop practically made for late night loners. As the elevator doors ding open, you walk onto the cold pavement of the dark flat roof. You walk up to the edge of the building, blocked by a wide cement wall reaching up to your waist. You observe the loud city, the bustling cars, the honking and yelling, police sirens in the distance. It was so far away, yet everything felt so adjacent. Carefully you nudge your leg over the wall, one after the other. Then you take a moment and sit down on the space, legs dangling over the ledge. Beneath your feet was stunning scenery that could turn into a nightmare with just the slightest wrong move.

In that moment you don’t care though, softly kicking your feet up and down. For a few short moments, everything felt like it was alright. You forgot how horrid your life really is. A mother who discarded your presence, a father who left without a goodbye, no friend in sight, so much work made for a fruitless cause, and a husband who never loved you. It was when you were so caught up in a day dream so tragic; that falling off hundreds of feet seemed so rewarding. Why were you so worthless? Why were you nothing? A dangerous view settles inside your head. If you were to jump this instance, would Jimin be sad? Would he ever let out as many tears as you shed?

Would he hold you for the last time and tell you that he loved you all along?

“Please don’t do somethin’ rash”

Comes a voice behind you in the shadows, startling you out of your daze. Your wide eyes turn to look at the perpetrator of the worried tone. There, a few feet away from you on the roof stands a middle-aged man with the bud of a cigarette on the corner of his lips. His brows are furrowed in concentration and his stance is defensive, ready to hold onto you lest you took a leap into the light below.

“I-I wasn’t going to,” You stutter. It was true, you weren’t. Maybe you pondered on the subject a tad, but you really weren’t. Not tonight.

“Oh, thank god,” he physically deflates, running a hand through his wavy black hair. “Sorry, you just seemed to be swimmin’ in sadness, my mistake”

Reaching into his trousers’ pocket, he reveals a green Bic lighter

“You mind?” He directs at you.

You shake your head, a bit hesitant to speak to a complete stranger – stiffening up when he come close to your ledge – standing right next to you. He was around Jimin’s height, cat-like features prominent on his pale moon skin.

“My name’s Yoongi” He reaches his hand out towards you. It takes you a moment, staring at his hand and then his face, until you’re shaking his hand and giving him your name.

“That’s a pretty name,” He smiles, puffing out a gust out smoke, “So, what’s a young lady like you doing out here all alone?”

At another moment of your life, maybe you would have ignored his question. Maybe you would have lied. However, this time – you don’t recall what it was that caused you to tear up, to let a silent sob escape your lips. To tell this man you don’t know about your problems,

“My…husband,” You sniffle slightly, inaudibly whispering the second word as if it was a curse

“Hmm?” He questions, not quite catching what you said which make you clear your throat

“My husband,” you start again, “He’s not home yet”

There’s a part of you that hopes he understands without you having to say anything else, and another part that screams at you for being so brazen – so careless.

It seems like he understood though as you hear him murmur a small, seemingly sympathetic scoff

“I see…I wouldn’t have thought a guy like him would do that…he looks so bright and honest” He pauses to take a whiff of his cigarette before he continues “Guess you can’t judge a book by its cover”

“You know of him?” You ask cautiously

“I know of you both! I live on the floor above ya’ll and he’s greeted me in the lobby a few times. And you’re the busy little lady that comes back from work around the same time I leave for it! I pass you on the elevator all the time.”

You rack your brain trying to think of the times you saw him, if you’ve ever seen him. Nothing really comes to mind unsurprisingly, you’re not really a people’s person. Instead you opt to pull your beige coat tighter around you, due to the early morning chill making its way up your bare legs into your spine

He glances at you in deep thought and chuckles, “Don’t think too hard, I don’t really have the most memorable face”

His easy-going nature made you smile. You were glad he was pleasant instead of a creep.

“What kind of work do you do?” You find yourself asking him

Reaching into his coat’s pocket he brings out a compact white business card and hands it to you. You carefully examine the card with the help of the city’s lights while he speaks up

“I run a night club near downtown. Cypher road, ever heard of it?”

You shake your head at him

“Actually, I’ve seen your husband there a few times”

At the mention of Jimin, your eyes widen. You looked like a kicked puppy and he quickly scrambles to fix his statement-

“Don’t worry! He was only there a few times with his male buddies, nothin’ bad I swear! They ain’t do nothin’ but drink and act like fools”

You giggle at him as he waves his hands in the air in desperation. Seeing that you’ve calmed yourself through his antics makes him giggle as well. He puts out his cigarette on the ledge’s concrete, breathing out the last puff before speaking,

“I was married once too ya’know”

“Once?” You question

“He died… stage 4 pancreatic cancer” He replies monotonal, a distant gaze in his eyes  

“Oh…I’m sorry”

“It’s fine, shit happens” He gives you a grin which makes your heart churn, “But the thing about him – about marriage that I’ve learned is the happy moments stand out no matter how bitter the reality actually was.”

He flicks the burned-out cigarette forward with his thumb and index finger. It falls away into the abyss underneath.

“Even 5 years later, I still remember him laughin at a dumb joke I made or not lettin my hand goes during horror movies. Ya’know the sweet stuff. I’m rarely reminded of the difficulties we went through because of his disease – how much it hurt when he shut everyone…when he shut me out”

He closes his eyelids and you wipe tears lingering in your own. It was strange how him sharing his pain made you feel a bit better about your own.

“What I’m tryin to say is, the torture I went through the first year after his death, I survived that. Agonizing thoughts of him not bein with me, not holdin him to sleep changed into me appreciatin the time we had together. And I had to do that alone – without him, even if there was a period where I felt that I couldn’t live a second if he was gone. Time moves forward and it heals all.”

“No pain lasts forever”

You silently listen to him and reflect about your own marriage. One day…would you be able to forgive Jimin…survive without him? Would he be able to survive without you?

“…All I’m sayin is that you deserve better”

Deserve better? You? You’ve never thought of it like that. Wasn’t it Jimin who deserved better? That’s what you always clinched. From the first time he cheated on you, to now. And no one ever told you any different…until this moment. In these past six years, or even since you were a child, did you ever think about just yourself? About how you felt? Did Jimin?

“You should come there too someday, it’s a real nice place, Cypher Road. A bit loud but overall nice” Yoongi interrupts your thoughts, pointing at his card with his silver ring encrusted pinky finger

Taking a breath, you look at the card and then to the city buildings. How long have you lived in this city without evening going to a park let alone a nightclub? Crowds and noise weren’t really your thing, you’d rather spend a Saturday night curled up with Jimin on your sofa listening to Dean Martin records. Though, you look back at the card in your hand, it’s not like that’ll happen again anytime soon. Jimin had always been everything you wanted, but for a second as you sit there, you feel as if you’ve missed out on so much. Guilt follows you soon after for feeling that way.

Would Jimin like it if you went there? If you…were to be that person…someone who was more outgoing, curt or sexy. If you wore revealing clothes or painted your nails every week. Would Jimin like you then? Would he make love to you again?

It was absurd to even think about…but just maybe? Desperation reeked out of your heart like toxic gas – your insides twisting as you hold on to the card tighter. You felt so pathetic

Your shocked out of your trance by a hand lightly touching your shoulder,

“Don’t fret too much, it’s all good,” Yoongi gives you a friendly smile, “Come only if you want to, I ain’t forcing you”

You watch him leave back into the building and you turn to the bright metropolis in front of you again. What are you thinking? You laugh at yourself, at your imprudent behavior. Why would dressing differently make Jimin like you? You’d still be boring old you, it’s not like getting great grades in school made your mom love you or your dad come back.

The problem is just you, just this bad fortune you were cursed with. No one would ever love you.

Deciding to call it a night, you hop onto the rooftop’s pavement and make your way towards the elevators again. Before entering, you take one last look at the beautiful metropolis; the ambience you’ve never got to enjoy. Bright light and endless chatter, a strangely serene completing puzzle piece to the large earth. You take a glance at the starless night sky and the vanishing moon, before entering into the warm building.

When you open the door to your apartment, you’re met with the astonished eyes of Park Jimin. He has both his and your phone in his hands, holding them up as if he was inspecting them. Subtly, you slip the card into your coat pocket, before hanging it by the rack next to the doorway

You awkwardly stand there for a moment before he asks you,

“Where were you? I tried calling you and I found this behind the dining table” He points your phone at you, his voice sounding worried

You recall how you had thrown your phone into a wall out of anger and haste, which makes you sigh as you close the door and walk up to Jimin.

“I was taking a breath of fresh air…on the rooftop”

“At this time of night?” He gives you an indescribable stare

Anger swells up in your chest at his tone, and before you could help it you’re bitterly mumbling out an answer

“It’s not like you were god knows where at this time of night”

You could tell you’re both shocked by your reply – or more so the annoyance in your words. Jimin stands there a bit, trying to read your expression. Why was that so hard for him these days?

“Sorry babe…I fell asleep…in the office” He tries reaching out to you, but you take a step back to avoid him.

Just like a while ago, you feel nauseous. It was amazing really…how easily he lied to you as if it was nothing. As if you couldn’t smell the perfume on his clothes. You feel tears crawl up your eye sockets but you breathe in and try to keep your emotion at bay,

“It’s fine, let’s just get to sleep” you say, passing him by before he could say another word. You miss the gloomy gaze in Jimin’s pupils, staring longingly at the outline of your back.

The door thumps open with a sudden gust of wind. Your eyes fly to the two bodies sticking together in the entrance.

“Oh. Thank god, Mina! I was so worried,” Running up to them, you promptly place your hand on Jimin’s chest, who’s giggling and limping hanging onto said woman’s shoulder

The woman chuckles as she adjusts the taller man, letting him lean more towards you. “Your husband here doesn’t know when to quit, even though I win every time”

Jimin looks up and makes eye contact with you, giving you his dazzling million-dollar smile, “My lovely ___~”, he stretches the syllable of your name at the end

You sigh as Mina lets him go completely and he now clings onto you, heavy alcohol compressing his natural scent. He always came back like this after a night at Vertigo’s, the prestige club at the other side of town. Carefully gathering him in your arms, you walk with him into the bedroom, taking cautious steps. In return, he noses your neck while cooing your name, making it difficult to keep your balance steady.

After you’ve gently laid him in bed, you take off his shoes. Undoing his pants, you slide them off as he fusses around like a child. It would make you smile usually, Jimin’s adorable state, if this scene hadn’t been done for the hundredth time this year. You were tired of him going to unknown faraway places to party and drink, while he missed plans you two had made around the corner. He would always apologize though, tell you how he just needed a way to release stress from his job.

It was always a habit for him, he never seemed to like any of his bosses, all of them relentlessly working him to the bone. Which in turn made him grouchy and tired. Jimin never bad mouthed anyone, therefore you knew it had to be serious.

And so, you sympathized with him; started to forgive more and say less. Pretty soon he was going out every night, his female companion always having to trudge him home. When you set his pants and shoes aside, you move to his button up, removing each button quickly as he quietly stares at you – heavy breathing in your face.

He grabs your wrist suddenly, once you’re halfway through and it makes you glance up at him. His eyes are heavy and dark, pupils dilated, and plush lips parted. Staring at you through heavy lids, he slowly feels over the skin on your wrist with his fingers, making you shiver. Jimin was a beautiful man indeed. Who wouldn’t forgive such an angelic face?

As much as you wanted to fall into the chasm that were his eyes, you knew this wasn’t the proper time. He was drunk after all, so you shook of his hand relentingly and finished unbuttoning his shirt. Pulling the covers up on him, you watched as his eyes fluttered shut with fondness. You gather the shirt in your arms, turning to the doorway when you freeze.

Something had moved…away from the bedroom’s entrance. It looked like someone’s head. The only person here other than you both was Mina. She couldn’t have been spying into your bedroom…could she?

Shaking off what you saw as a mistake, you walked into the living room. Mina was sitting on the couch opposite from you, seeming a bit apprehensive.

“Is he asleep?”

“Yes, you know Jimin. It doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep after drinking”

She gives you a half-hearted laugh as you set down Jimin’s shirt on a chair. Mina sat a few feet away, but you were barely able to make out her facial expression. The vague lighting of the living room had always been a pet peeve of Jimin’s. He always found something to complain about around the house, because he always wanted to live in a luxurious apartment in an upper north city, unlike you. You loved this place and this city. They provided you with the sense of familiar comfort, like Jimin did. You couldn’t imagine parting with the city where you met the love of your life.

As Mina starts recalling the story of how she won their drinking game this time, you fondle with his shirt. Your body aching to go lie down with him already.

It’s when you noticed it.

“Lipstick…”

“What?”

“There’s lipstick on the collar,” You say, picking up the edge of his shirt with your index finger. A small bright red stain rested on his off-white shirt. Your heart started to beat faster.

“O-Oh…T-that was me,” Mina answers, immediately shooting up from her spot

You glance at her, “You?”

“Guilty,” She says awkwardly, “Jimin gets really fussy on my shoulder and we accidently bump into each other all the time”

At her explanation, you collapse inside your head – relived. For a second, you were beginning to wonder if Jimin’s recent distance was due to another Jessica. No, that was only a one-time thing you remind yourself. Jimin wouldn’t do that to you. Letting out a breath, you send a smile at Mina’s direction. The girl appeared to be sweating in her heels.

“Mina, thank you so much for always taking such good care of him. I don’t know what I would do without you”

She stretches her lips at you, “N-no problem. He’s my friend”

“Do you want something to drink? Something to sober you up maybe?” You question her. Moving your body in line with the kitchen

“No!” She shouts, quickly stepping her way to the entrance, “I always love your food, but I-I should leave, it’s getting late”

“Are you sure?” You furrow your brows, “Why don’t you stay the night?”

“Thanks, but no thanks. I really should head out”

“Alright, be careful” You smile, walking up to her

She stares at you for a minute. It looks like there’s something she wants to say. You tilt your head at her.

“_-___ I-”

You stay silent, waiting for her to finish her sentence. But instead she chokes up, tears swelling in her doll eyes as she quivers in her spot. It makes you bothered, your lips pulled into a straight line. You are about to open your mouth when-

“Nothing, good night,” Turning around, she hastily pulls the door open

“Wait are you o-”

“Yup, good night” She doesn’t give you time to finish before she slams the door shut. Leaving you with your mouth somewhat ajar.

That was strange, you think. Mina and you had a friendly relationship. You wouldn’t go as far as to say you both were friends, she didn’t seem to prefer your company when Jimin wasn’t around. But you were fine with that, you liked her because Jimin liked her, trusted her because he did. Although, you were a bit jealous about how comfortable Jimin was with her. It just comes with friendship, you concluded you wouldn’t understand. In the end, you play it off as another misunderstanding like when you were in the bedroom.

You were really disorganized that night, just having had a long day at work and then staying up late for Jimin. You were probably really out of it.

Not even noticing that she wasn’t wearing red lipstick.

A couple of days past since that night, you were busy reading emails Yura sent you in the wake of your absence. You missed it, honestly. Dealing with numbers and graphs, presenting said graphs you spent the whole night perfecting, the results of your hard work being admired; being complimented. If you think back on it, you’ve always needed the approval of someone authoritative – someone above you. At first it was your mother, and now it’s your boss, the CEO of your company. You’ve never had anything you wanted to do out of passion or because it actually made you happy. The last time was six years ago, at the altar with Jimin. But your job was still better than this. It was better than being stuck at home, behind the most confining 4 walls – all by yourself. Enslaved by no one but your own mind. This place was once your sanctuary, the one you wanted to come back to, the one once filled with Jimin.

There were hours, sometimes days, that you would spend zoning out. All of your daydreams consisted of wondering what Jimin and Tina were doing together. Were they on a date? Perhaps they were making love in his office or a motel or Tina’s or anywhere they could. It was thoughts like these that drove you insane, until you were nothing but an empty shell. Crying didn’t help anymore, you ceased that a while ago. Food was tasteless, the bright sun no longer made your sentiments yearn. There was no want in your heart left; abandoned by its owner.

There was no love either.

As you open Yura’s last email, you stumble upon a sentence that raises your brows. ‘Company X merger with south district nightclub.’ You think back on a few nights ago, on that terrace at 3 in the morning with that stranger named Yoongi. Moving your eyes off your laptop, you look around your silent living room. It was Saturday night and you were alone…you and Jimin hadn’t even spoken to each other for the last two days. Since your rude behavior a few days ago, Jimin had been tip toeing around you a lot more. Not even trying to come home at 2 anymore, sometimes he’d spend the whole night away. He didn’t even make eye contact at the dinner table, yet alone make conversation. You might as well have been alone all 24 hours of a day.

“I’ve seen him there a few times”

Closing your laptop, you get up from your sofa chair and make your way to the coat rack. You pull out the small card Yoongi had given you and look at the club’s address. Taking a quick peek at the clock, you conclude you’ll be back home in 2 hours if the traffic is good. If…you were actually going to do this…

Like you weren’t in control of your body, your feet drag themselves to your room and into your closet. Your possessed frame wasn’t corresponding with your brain who kept repeating how bad of an idea this was. Picking out an old dress, one from your more youthful days, you do a light set of make-up and brush through your hair. You grab your purse and remember your phone this time, throwing it into the clutch with the club card and some cash. Everything was completed so quick, your mind didn’t have time to process anything until you blankly stood in the doorway, waiting to move again.

You’re really going to do this. You haven’t been to a club in…well you never went to a club. Back in the days, you heard about Mina and Jimin going to clubs together; she would joke about how she’s there to keep an eye on Jimin – make certain he’s not flirting with some other girls. How ironic. Shaking, you slowly turn the door knob in your vacant apartment, opening the door and cringing at the loud creek. Take a deep breath you tell yourself, before you’re leaving out the door in a quick paced motion, only one thought swimming across your mind.

You deserve better

You know how they say some places feel like a whole different world? Well yeah, this is what they were referring to. The dark neon lights moving about like lasers, the overly loud, heart pounding music; and so many warm, wet bodies suffocating your presence. So this is what a club is, you gather. Taking in the loud electronic drums pumping in your head, you almost couldn’t think straight. Everything was large and spread out, yet you still felt overcrowded and overwhelmed. Shuffling on your feet, you stood there awkwardly by the bar staring at one of the bar stools. The thought of casually walking up and sitting down was causing you unease.

Eventually, you gathered the nerve to do so. Looking around, you weren’t sure what you were so worried for, no one seemed to have said anything. There was really not much to do but glance about. The bar tender seemed busy with other customers. Quite young-looking girls, which made you a tad iffy. By the way the man was eyeing them, he also thought they looked too young to be in here. You looked away once he asked them for an I.D., and a man next to them laughed loudly, telling him to let the girls have fun.

The booths were situated across the room from you, and you heard a lot of bottles popping and celebratory shouts from their direction making you smile. There was a second balcony floor above the booths. A lot of people were there as well, but the atmosphere felt more serious up there…more fancy. On the first floor, right behind the bar was the dance floor where more than half the crowd was located. Some of the dances made you blush and turn away…it was astonishing that’d they do those certain movements in front of so many spectators. You couldn’t even imagine doing these things with Jimin alone…although maybe you kind of wanted to. Not having the courage to look at the couple practically humping a few feet from you, you decided to just observe your lap.

You spot your wedding ring reflecting off the neon green laser lights. A gold band around your finger, delicately engraved with Jimin’s name. It had a large diamond, shaped like a heart as the centerpiece. Again, you’re reminded of the enigma that is Park Jimin. There was no way you could escape him, even here, everyone’s favorite place to hide from the world for a night or two. He basically owned you, body and soul– refusing to hand it back over no matter how much you wordlessly pleaded.

It infuriated you.

Hesitant at first, you move your hand to carefully slide off the ring. Strange, you think holding it up to the lights of the bar in front of you. You thought it’d make you feel worse, but no…it was liberating? Tonight, there’s not much you want to think about…especially not your feelings. Tonight, you want to run away with the outcasted mass, reflect about nothing as you passage through space and time continuum without having to live it. So, without giving it another thought, you open up your clutch and throw the ring inside.

And so, you sat, tapping at your thighs through the see-through satin of the bottom of your dress.

“Hey there, sweesh cheeks” A guy’s gaudy voice shouts in your direction over the music. It’s him, the man laughing at those girls from before. He’s moved closer. “Never seen you before? *Hic* What brings you around here, huhsh?”

You weren’t one to judge someone at first glance, but he had the most obnoxious smell coming from him, which made you stay mute if not a bit disgusted. He had long greasy hair, tied in a ponytail and the beginnings of a patchy beard. It looked like he hadn’t showered in days.

“I’m Daniel by the way” he shoots you a wink

He wore a cross pendant around his neckline, earrings decorating both of his ears. He tried to faintly move closer to you, his scent neighboring you. The last thing you wanted to do was be impolite, but the man was slimy, smelling of mold and cheap, over the top body spray. Alcohol littered his breath and his pupils were a bit off. As he sits down next to you – too close for comfort – you subtly turn your head away, not wanting another whiff of him. You were honestly regretting ever setting foot outside your house.

“Heeeeyyyy” He moves his face even closer to you making you scrunch your nose and slightly move off the bar stool. Daniel takes notice to that and doesn’t seemed too pleased about it. It was then that he grabs your arm and starts raising his voice, “Don’t be sush a bish, I’m jush trying to talk,” he slurs

You try to pull your arm away but he just pulls it tighter “Stop…go away” you say to him, trying to sound courageous but your voice failing you miserably. He smirks at your frightened behavior and you want to throw up. Before he could do anything else you watch as he gets pulled away from you and off of the bar stool next to you as a woman starts screaming in his face

“She told you to stop, didn’t she? Scram you little shit”

She throws him towards the right, where he loses his balance and trips on his own leg. Scrambling to get up, he runs away into the dancing mob. The woman takes a seat next to you after scooting the stool away from your side. She doesn’t bother to look at you as she shouts for a shot. In retrospect, you gape at her in awe; from her short stature to her elongated plastic nails and high pony tail all held together by her tight blue dress. When she catches you gawking at her she raises a brow,

“Is there a problem?”

“N-o No!” You say, flustered at her actually speaking to you, “Thank you for what you did”

“Don’t worry about it. The guy was a creep, he had it coming” The bartender places a shot in front of her which she immediately downs and begins fishing through her purse.

When you notice she was taking out cash to pay, you intervene “It’s on me!” You shout quickly grabbing a 10 from your purse

“Hey, you don’t have to –

“It’s alright. Thanks again” You smile as you put out the bill for her. She pauses for a second and just stares at you, making you slightly nervous.

“What’s your name?” She asks, giving you a once over

“___” You answer back, cowering a bit under her gaze

“Well ___,” She smiles, “I’m Irene, me and my girls are in that booth over there, care to join us?”

It was as if someone turned back time to your high school days. In all your years of living, no one had asked you to join them except Jimin. Now that it happened, here you were about to ruin it by looking like a fish out of the water. Your nerves are on high, and you feel yourself getting extremely warm as she continues to stare at you, a bit confused by your silence. By the adrenaline running through you from the sudden events and Jimin flashing through your mind; there was only one answer lingering your lips. An answer that surprised even you.

“Yes”

The night goes by in a blur

One second you were being pulled into a booth with extremely pretty young ladies, and they’re introducing themselves. Joy, Chae, Riri …some other people you don’t recall. Everyone was so nice, and they were really loud…but in a fun way. You hated noise, but their shouting and laughing was heartening for some reason. It matched with the vibe of the vibrant club. Suddenly you were chugging the bottle someone had pushed into your hand. All you’ve ever had were some wines and rose’s with Jimin, and now you’re unexpectedly gulping down a bottle of Bacardi. Cheers surround you the more you drink, the lighter your head feels, the freer your body moves. Nothing was registering in your mind, which concerned you a bit because you always had control over what you did – over all your movements.

You’re sure you were pushed onto the dance floor…or were you? Wait, you couldn’t dance, you were gonna embarrass yourself! But your worries seemed so trivial while you watched all the carefree figures around you; you decided to follow the other girls, observing their fluid movements and becoming encouraged. You swung your hips and spun around the dance floor to whatever noise was blaring through the speakers, permitting it to take control of your body.

Someone crashed into you on what you thought was an accident, until their hands found a way to your hips and they pulled you unto their sturdy chest. They grind themselves on you, and you’re too drunk to care letting them sway you how they want. Your hair was sticking to your forehead and you plop your head back onto their shoulder. It’s been so long since you had this much riveting human contact. They were warming you up, you could feel the flexing muscles in their arms smothering you and they had such a pleasant incense…like honey. Goosebumps rise onto your skin.

“You smeelll…soo nicee” You giggle in a slurred speech as you feel them breathe into your ear

“You’re so fucking sexy babe,” You moan at their deep voice, something inside you stirring at their foul language as he tightens his hold on your waist. Then there are even more gaps in your memory, but you remember being reluctantly pulled away as Irene dragged you away to the entrance. She asks for your address a few times as you mumble in your drunken state and then she throws you in a cab.

“Get home safe, I’ll call you” Was the last thing you heard her say before the driver pulls away from the club.

Now you’re inside your complex’s hallway, trying to find your apartment door. You’re wobbling around in your heels – trying to find your flat number – humming a loud song you didn’t know you knew. When you find what seemed like the right number, you cheer and run up to it, jumping in place as you get your keys from your clutch. The last thing you remember was opening the door of your apartment and being greeted by Jimin’s angry face.

_

Your eyes flutter open. You stare at a spotty white ceiling while you adjust to the light of the familiar room. There was a strange numbness in your body making you feel on edge while you try to fully grasp your consciousness. Slowly you sit up using your arms, immediately regretting it as a strike of pain shoots inside your head. Hissing you grab onto your forehead and bend your body forward, resting your elbows on your thighs. You felt terribly sick.

“Fun night?” A voice suddenly cuts through the room

You look up and see Jimin standing a few feet away from the bed with his arms crossed. His eyebrows were furrowed and his lips curled down in a prominent frown. You didn’t quite register what he said so you just let out a small ‘huh?’

“I said it looks like you had fun last night, seeing how you were out till 3 in the morning”

3? Wait…you left at 10 pm…so five hours? You were out for five hours!? How is that possible. God, you never leave the house and the one time you do, you can’t even properly account for the time. You didn’t have any second to reminisce about last night’s events as Jimin burns a hole through you, not noticing that you’re as shocked as he was. He couldn’t put it into words how mortified he is…he’s known you for 8 years and you NEVER came home late from an unknown place; drunk and untamed. How could someone just change like that? You’ve been acting weird ever since the day he came home to find you soaked. Going out to unknown places, coming home later than him. With another man’s cologne lingering your body. He tightens his fists.

“I called you fifty times…did you forget your phone again?”

You take note of the irritation in his voice which has a flame of rage opening inside you. Instead you opt to search for your clutch. Finding it on the dresser next to you, you take out your phone and open it to see 14 missed calls – making you wince.

“Sorry, my bag wasn’t around me” You mutter, running your hands through your messy hair. You were still wearing yesterdays clothes and you felt icky, and you needed to shower so you throw the cover off of you and get ready to get up

“Where were you?” He questions

There it was, that tone in his voice again. You look up to see him glaring at you, so you glare back

“Why do you care?” You spit, “Did I ask where you were?”

He’s startled by your behavior and decreases his heavy stance. You get off the bed and push your way past him without another glance as he stands there questioning himself of what just happened.

Could she…no…it couldn’t be…

He then stares at your clutch haphazardly thrown on the bed. Maybe, he thinks, there are some answers in there.

The following Monday you decide to start work again. Calling your boss to notify her, who was elated at your return. You sit at your desk completing a spreadsheet, a tiny feeling of contentment in your bones. Since Saturday, Irene has called you to ask if you got home in one piece. One thing led to another and you ended up having dinner at her house. Good thing too, since you knew Jimin wouldn’t be home so you would have just skipped eating again. She was a year older than you, single and very proud of so and worked real estate.

Irene could tell straight away that you weren’t the clubbing type. As if the way you responded to the rude man wasn’t enough, you made her worry by stumbling across the dance floor like a fawn. Or as she put it so kindly, easy prey. She invited you over because she wanted you to loosen up, not knowing how effortlessly impressionable you’d end up being. She explained to you that she thought you were originally from a more rural area, like she was. When she first moved into the city, she was also quite naive to the boisterous and progressive city ways. You didn’t know how to tell her you’d been living in big cities your whole life…you just…don’t get out much. Either way, you were immensely grateful she had watched over you and sent you home.

The night’s events to you are in complete distortion – turns out your brain was not prepared for such a large consumption of alcohol in an hour. Irene tells you things that you have absolutely no recollection of that has you hiding your face behind your fingers. Apparently, you tried to tear off your clothes because they were too warm? You kept singing a sad love song out loud on the dance floor? Also, you were shamelessly grinding on the hottest guy she’s ever seen? There was no way you did any of that…is there? If there was, then there’s no way you’re going back there again…and that was okay with you. At least one good thing came out of it.

It made no sense to you, but somehow you think she wanted to be your friend. Why would a fun, amazing person like her want to be your friend? You were on edge the whole time at her apartment, thinking there was a catch coming and she was about to laugh in your face. But the only laughing she did was after making cheesy jokes as she set down Risotto in front of you. Funnily enough you laughed along…you forgot you could do that recently. The Risotto was also the best you had in a long time, and you were blown away by her cooking skills. It was as if food had become tasteless in the past month.

After 26 years, you finally have someone to call a friend.

As you type in the last set of numbers on your spreadsheet, you smile. After work you agreed to grab pizza together and you felt like an excited kid going to a sleep over. Maybe you should drop by the rooftop again tonight, you’ve been wanting to thank Yoongi for finding you a friend…and you also really want to see him again, for some reason. You were tapping your foot amongst the floor and whistling to yourself when you heard a knock on the door.

“Come in” you singsong. Yura steps into your office and hands you a printout you ordered.

“Ma’am” She calls you who’s examining the client memo, making you respond with a ‘hmm,’ “Is it alright if I leave early today? My therapist ran into a small problem and now my appointment is an hour earlier”

You immediately stop reading the paper and look up at her in surprise.

“Is everything alright?” You question carefully. Had you missed out on so much? But Yura looks as fine as usual…why would she need a therapist?

To your surprise she lets out a chuckle at your shocked face “Yes, I’m fine. I’ve had a therapist for a few years now, It’s nothing new”

“Oh...” You recoil, “I’m sorry I didn’t know”

“It’s alright, it’s sort of an open secret,” She says cheerily, as if she was expecting your reaction

“You can leave early” You smile, awkwardly trying to get back to what you were doing

“Thank you” she says walking towards the door. As she’s about to pull it open, she spins to face you, “Umm…You know Ma’am…” She starts making you look up at her

“I usually don’t get the best reactions when I tell people I’m in therapy but in honesty, therapy isn’t a bad word.”

“I know” You smile at her, you hope she didn’t think you had any prejudice against her because of so

“Then would you get offended if I told you that you should find a therapist”

At her words a hint of exasperation builds up on you. What did she mean by that? You’re about to open your mouth and tell her off when you realize that this is exactly what she was talking about. You just told her that it’s okay to be in therapy, but get mad when she recommends something that’s been helping her to you? Humans are so hypocritical aren’t they. Like how they say they’ll love you forever and then go find comfort in someone else; or how they say they understand, when clearly, they have so much to learn. You look away, ashamed

As if knowing exactly what you were thinking, she sighs “Thought so…My own parents” She pauses, looking at the floor with a hint of sadness, “They tell people that I haven’t been the same since grandma passed away, or try to make other excuses for why I try and seek professional help. I guess they desperately want to make me look like a sane person in front of people,”

“Yura…” You feel something caught in your throat. She’d been your secretary for 2 years now and you didn’t know the first thing about her.

“And it’s true” She meets your eyes again, “That I was really sad when my grandma died, I was really so reckless, and I wanted help. But that’s not what therapy is all about. Even though now, my life is back in shape, I have an amazing boyfriend, a wonderful job, and a great boss” She beams at you as you hide a blush,

“I need someone to talk to sometimes…someone to just listen to me rant without judgement and help get my thoughts in order. It helps me process my emotions in a heathy, productive manner and I’m glad I’m in therapy trying to better myself, rather than hiding behind a fake mask of strength, pretending that everything is – and always will be alright. Or thinking that being tough means holding the whole world on your shoulders by yourself for some reason. Sometimes everything will not be aright and the world won’t fit in your shoulders and that’s fine…I’ll learn to deal with, the best way I can…my therapist and I.” She walks up to your desk and puts down a folded piece of paper, and walks back to the door.

She takes a breath, it felt like she just took a huge burden off her shoulder by telling you this, “Ma’am…you work harder than anyone in this building, all my coworkers talk about it all the time, we all admire you”

Staring at her in shock, you have to force yourself to blink so you don’t come off as crazy. You always assumed your colleagues at the company thought of you as an overworking recluse, you never could’ve imagined anyone but your boss appreciating you, much less admiring.

“I’m recommending her to you because I know you stress about your job often. I’m right in the next room and the doors are literally made of glass,” She chuckles. “She’s great and you deserve the best. Please give her a call if you have time and thank you again for letting me leave early”

With that she walks out of your office and leaves you alone with your thoughts.

You stare at the piece of paper on your desk for a moment, before reaching over and picking it up. When you unfold it, you find a name and number written in black ink. It seemed sort of crumpled, and old and it makes you wonder if she’s been holding onto this for a while. The see-through door in your office gave anyone outside a pretty clear view of you at your desk. She probably saw you running your hands through your hair, frowning and huffing and wanted to help you out. But she was mistaken about one thing. It wasn’t because of work that you were stressed…it was because of your husband, Park Jimin…and you don’t know if you’re ready to talk to anyone about something so private – so dear to you yet. Huffing, you shove the number into your purse and turn back to the memo to continue reading.

It was Jimin’s day off today, and you were surprised to wake up see him lounging at home. Half of you thought you were still dreaming. You stare at him lying on the couch in his sweats from your bedroom’s doorway, wondering why he didn’t leave to hang out with ‘Jin’ already. He did come home pissed yesterday…that might have something to do with this. Did he have a fight with his mistress perhaps? Jimin looks up from the book he was reading and gives you a smile that has you weak in the knees.

“Awake sleepyhead?”

“Why’re you here?” The words fall out faster than you could stop them. You see him frown at your reaction.

“Can’t I be at my own house?”

“…You usually aren’t,” You mutter as he squints his eyes to see if he heard you correctly. Not waiting for a response, you immediately head to the kitchen to grab yourself a cup of coffee. Pouring the black brew into your baby blue mug; you sniff the rejuvenating scent and let the warmth of the cup spread through your palms, resting in your joints. Smiling to yourself, you turn around to grab some creamer and end up almost dropping the mug out of your hands in shock.

Jimin had swiftly moved from the living room to stand behind you, quietly watching you like a hawk. His presence oddly threatening.

“Yes?” You question him, strangely uncomfortable at his penetrating gaze. Hand in his pockets, he moves closer to you as you move back, becoming trapped between him and the stove.

“What’s up with you these days?” He asks, voice barely above a whisper

“W-what do you m-mean?”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

What? Isn’t that what you should be asking? Your face morphs into confusion at his accusatory tone.

“W…hat?”

“Where’s your ring?”

Pointing at your hand he narrows his eyes at you. You give him a weird face with your mouth agape before registering what he just said, which makes you hold up your hand to inspect it.

“…”

“So, where is it?” He crosses his arms warily

You rack through your brain, trying to recall where you put it or when you lost it. How long have you gone without noticing? You open and close your mouth a few times, trying to find an answer through your faulty memories. Just then Jimin reaches into his sweat’s pocket an pulls out the golden, diamond studded jewel, holding it up a few inches from his face.

“Where did yo-”

“I found it,” He practically growls, “In your clutch from Saturday night, remember that?”

“What were you doing going through my stuff?! I don’t recall going through your things even afte-” You yell defensively.

But he ignores you and pulls out something else from his sweats, “And what’s this, huh? Why’re you going to cypher road of all places without telling me?! Coming back at 3 in the morning?! Who was the guy with the nice cologne by the way?!”

It was the card Yoongi gave you.

It’s not that you and Jimin hadn’t had fights before – just like any other married couple, you did. Usually it ended with you conceding, meekly apologizing before things got too out of hand. So, when your ears turn fiery red and you feel yourself apply pressure to your teeth and clench your fists, you receive a crashing realization. The first time in ages he concerns himself with your whereabouts, and it’s only to accuse you of something so revolting? Blame your flare of anger on the only sip of coffee you had and the stingy fresh morning air. Blame it on Jimin himself never feeling the need to tell you where he was headed – not the truth anyway.

“IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!”

…

There was a deafening silence that followed your outburst as your husband stood there stunned. He took a step back, he’s not sure why…you weren’t in any way a threat to Park Jimin…were you? His shy, small wife would never raise her voice at him. Would never make him feel that he was the one in the wrong.

You let out a shaky exhale, loosening your grip on the mug and setting it on the marble top. You run a hand through your hair in frustration, securing it above your temple.

“For years…I had no one. You knew that…and you told me it was okay – that you’d be my everything” Closing your eyes, you try to process your thoughts rationally, “Yet you went out…You continued to move forward with the world, and I was constantly left behind. And I said it was okay – I made excuses to myself that you were the more outgoing one, that it was only natural – that it was okay that you went to clubs and missed dinner dates and forgot my birthday. But in reality, I was lonely Jimin…Always.”

“Did you ever even notice? Or were you too busy celebrating the fact that your wife would destroy herself from the inside out, just for you?”

It took everything within you to make your words comprehensible. You were struggling to hold back tears looking at him. His face seemed worried and upset, but maybe it could just be an act you tell yourself. It’s not like you actually knew Jimin now did you? It wasn’t that you were proud of what you did that night, no one should be coming home drunk at 3 AM, it’s dangerous and unhealthy. But did he ever think that if he were at home, maybe you wouldn’t have gone to an unknown location in the first place? If he were at home, maybe he could have gone with you and brought you home like a husband does? You wouldn’t have had to stumble back drunk if it wasn’t for him. He didn’t know anything about you, no matter how much he acted like he did.

“I don’t think you’ve ever noticed…or cared. So, excuse me if I do the same.”

Snatching the ring from him you shove it back on to your finger in front of his face.

“There, happy now?”

When he doesn’t say anything you clear your throat, picking up your mug, “For the record, I’m not doing anything unfaithful. I’m not-”

You.

Stopping yourself from finishing that sentence, you take a deep breath and walking past him. You didn’t wait for his response, if he has any, not wanting to stand in the suffocating atmosphere of the kitchen any longer. Before leaving the kitchen, you shout back over your shoulder,

“I’m going out today, I need to meet a friend”

You take off before he can give you an answer.

“Then we can add the caption over in this section”

Jimin watches you while you work through the graphic of the presentation, already having zoned out from what you were saying a long time ago. It’s funny to him how interesting he started to find you this past week. When his professor first told him you were his partner, he thought the man was mistaken, having never even heard of your name in class. That was rare for him, the most beloved guy in college, friends with literally anyone that breathed. Even the campus’ squirrels adored him.

From then on it was routine. Walking up to you, giving his ‘angelic’ smile, watching you fall for him hard. Contrary to what most edgy Hollywood films might tell you, popularity is actually an amazing feeling. He loved having people whipped for him, how their eyes lit up when he entered a room, how he could take their breath away by simply running his fingers through his hair.

He treasured this power.

A certain part he noticed about his social circle was their need to become important in his life. They wanted to be noticed by him, they wanted his recognition, they wanted to be his special someone. And it made him laugh really, I mean he was flattered but it was also a bit pathetic. They’d try many things; playing hard to get, seducing him into bed, even stalking him around campus. He felt sad for such folks, imagine having such futile ambition.

Then again, it was as if there was a silent understanding amongst most people. Jimin couldn’t be theirs, which definitely means he couldn’t be anyone else’s. They were satisfied because it wasn’t just them and their miserable shortcomings, but rather Jimin who didn’t want to belong to anyone. And who wouldn’t respect precious Jimin’s wishes? How hilarious, he wanted to sneer at them for even thinking they could know anything about him.

Jimin never felt guilty for feeling this way, it’s not like he was hurting anyone’s emotional state by being a disrespectful person. He never begged for the attention, never forced anyone to love him, it wasn’t on him if they couldn’t discern rationality. It was a give and take relationship after all; people gave him the attention he desired, and he gave people a sense of superiority just by being connected to him.

But you were different somehow. It was obvious you liked him right when he came up to you, the expression on your face was nothing short of a deer in headlights. Yet the more time he spent with you, the more you just…worked. Normal people might not think anything of it, pass you off as some hard-working nerd that would get them a good grade, but to him it was bewildering. You just didn’t care about his attention, you didn’t ask him for more than you had to, and you never even looked his way in class.

He didn’t think you were faking it, you didn’t look like the type of girl, one he’s encountered many times before. No one in his circle or even outside of it seemed to know of your existence. The stuff he cherished – held onto dearly, none of it appeared to matter to you. Large amounts of friends, dedicated followers worshipping the ground he walked on, not even your parent’s unconditional love. Such peculiar behavior intrigued him into studying you. It almost felt like you’d rather live in the shadows. A concept so foreign and bizarre to him.

A certain desire invoked in him that day, observing you who was ranting apologies about an error you made in the screen. It was as if the weight of the world shifted, a sudden awareness on his surroundings – on you. For the past week you both have been working together, he’s been nice and cooperative as he usually is. There’s a semblance of distance in the form of an invisible line, both based on the terms of unfamiliarity and politeness.

However…what if he were to cross that line and give you the one thing so many individuals craved. The thing people have practically begged him for so long with their obsessive eyes, their inaudible whines as he leaves their presence, or when he as them pinned beneath him at his mercy. What if he were to give you what he knows some girls in his classes would kill each other over.

Scooching his chair closer to yours he rests his jaw in his palm. You stop talking and stare at him with wide eyes, he could see you gulp as he smiles your way. The nepenthes rafflesiana emit a honey scent to lure their prey. He sets his plan into action by tenderly blowing on a stray hair in your face, his expression morphing into one that should be kept only for the bedroom. Noticing the cause of his actions, you quickly remove the strand in a frenzy. Jimin giggles at your panic, and he notes that he’s genuinely laughing compared to the memorized charming laugh he has for most people.

Moving so that the tip of his nose was nearly touching your cheek he stretches his lips,

“You were saying?”

What if he were to give you his special attention?

“First of all, if I ever meet him, I’m going to cut off his ba-”

“Irene!” you shout, quickly cover her mouth with your palm. She huffs, removing the obstacle on her face with a deadpanned expression

“Secondly, I really don’t know why you’re still with him as far as I can tell, you seem to be completely over him”

You look down at the hardwood table below you, the curtains of your eyes strain in concentration. Irene sighs, knowing the expression on your face to be all too similar.

She had stumbled upon your secrets by accident one night. You were embarrassed yet overjoyed to say that you and her linking up had become routine. One evening, you were at her place cooking together and you ended up burning your thumb. All she did was fret over you and dip your finger under cool running water and the next thing she knows the faucet isn’t the only thing leaking. Her small act of compassion made you burst into ugly, roaring tears. She was rightfully very freaked out, but also immensely worried. It was as if you hadn’t been shown any amount of human kindness in years. After spending minutes calming you down, she finally probed you enough for you to spill the beans.

Irene was beyond livid. You watched her jaw set with each word you spoke. Actually, you’re pretty sure she called him every name in the book and then some. The outburst was short-lived, and you were afraid it would make her act different towards you. But she didn’t, if anything, she was kinder than before. A sympathetic glint in her eyes each time you broke down.

Since then, she’s been your confidant anytime you feel the overwhelming urge of despair.

“You still love him?” she asks, quieter than before. Staying silent, you listen in on the small chatter and distance cars around you. You sat right outside of a vintage café. The weather was nice, the generous café offering a view of beautiful blue clematises draped along the margins of the stone building. Above you, stood the striped canopy connected to the establishment, allowing in the gentlest of the sun rays to glow up your rosy tea.

“I love him…I want him…”

“And why is that?”

“…Because I need him”

“For?”

“I don’t know…” You close your eyes in frustration. Frustration at your puzzling emotions.

“Well I do,” Irene takes a sip of her brew “You need him because you think he’s the only one who can love you and therefore make you feel whole”

You look up at her in surprise. Something about what she said resonated with you…how have you never noticed before?

“Listen,” Irene says, clacking down her cup, “I can’t tell you how to live your life or who to not love. But I can tell you the person you do need to start loving.”

She takes a moment to stare at you in your eyes, and you capture the sincerity in her irises. Heat rises up to your face, never having seen this much care in someone else for you. It made you tear up.

“Yourself”

“…Myself?”

“Yes, think about it. You worked hard in school because of your mom. You work hard at your job for your boss. And you worked hard in your relationship for Jimin. What have you ever done for yourself?”

Contemplating Irene’s words, you try to think. What had you done for yourself? You weren’t even sure you had a hobby…all of your interests were things Jimin seemed to fawn over.

…Who were you?

“All right, how about this. In your life, other than Jimin, is there something you like to do? Something that genuinely brings you joy, not because of another person, but just for yourself”

“I-”

Reminiscing through your dull past, you didn’t find anything but study books, grade marks and pencils. Lonely nights and lost dreams, a broken heart and repeated hesitance. Swallowed words, an indistinct confession of love, the sound of a keyboard, bitter coffee…and Jimin…and…

“Cooking”

“Hmm?”

“I like…” squinting your eyes, you reflect hard, “yeah…I like cooking.” You say smiling, proud of yourself for some reason.

“I like cooking”

Irene grins widely at you showing her perfect set of teeth, “I like cooking too. You know I always wanted to own my own restaur-”

But then her expression falls, and worry fills her eyes,

“Why are you crying?”

“Huh?” You bring your fingers up to meet with your wet cheeks. Confused and disoriented, you quickly grab the napkins on your table and wipe away your tears as Irene’s shocked face only turns worse, “Sorry, I – I don’t, I…”

Taking a deep breath, you speak up again, “I didn’t know I liked anything,” this time letting the tears of happiness fall on their own accord.

“Oh, honey,” Irene gets up from her chair and moves to your side, engulfing your upper body with her arms, “You deserve so much better”

There was that word again. You weren’t sure what it meant completely quite yet. Only a fragment of its definition registering into your head as the other half felt cover by a large sheet – a locked object waiting for you to find the key. Maybe unlocking the answer would take a bit more time, but you knew one thing for certain.

You were starting to believe it.

Barging into your home, you heave a sigh with your back against the front door. It was a long day and Irene’s impromptu shopping trip didn’t help. She made you pick up half the store’s items. Even going as far as to secretly purchase any item you felt insecure or shy about herself and stash it inside your bags. You couldn’t even count how many bags you were carrying, as well as the amount of ‘sexy’ dresses Irene made you buy. Honestly, you thought half of them were lingerie. Throwing off your heels you make your way into your bed room.

You fling the bags next to your bed and jump onto the springy mattress. It was so comforting, you almost moaned as the foam molded into the shape of your back. Your eyes were shut delicately, and you were about to fade away, which is why you didn’t hear the bare footsteps making their way across your floorboards and the slight dip on the edge of the bed.

“Baby?”

You flutter your eyes open at the familiar voice of your husband, turning your head to see him sitting by your side. He puts his hand over yours and squeezes it softly.

“Long day?” He asks cautiously

You nod wordlessly

Looking over at your bags he lets out a chuckle. “Looks like you had fun…” He looks back at you, “I’m glad.”

Smiling at him you hold his hand back, letting your freshly manicured nails kindly scratch his palm. You felt remorse for blowing up at him this morning. All you want to do with Jimin is have a normal conversation – confront him without acting so aggressively. Spewing irrational nonsense that would get your relationship nowhere. It’s the least you could do for someone you loved.

His hand starts moving along your arms slowly, then rests on your shoulder. He moves closer to you, until his face is hovering yours. Lips parted, his breath fans your face.

“It’s been a while” He says lowly, gradually leaning in further and further

He kisses you; tenderly at first, moving his hand up to cup your cheek. You let him in, not having tasted Jimin for far too long. Your tongues move in harmony, faces adjusting to get better angles inside the wet caverns. He moves his thumb along your cheek, his other hand travelling up your leg and you hum into his mouth. Shivers run up your skin as he rubs the inside of your thigh. It was when you accidently bite his tongue that he lets out a growl.

You recognized that sound.

It was the growl he made when he was fucking Tina.

Your eyes flash open in an instant, feeling like someone threw cold water all over you. His touches no longer causing butterflies, instead making the rising queasiness in your stomach worse. His scent was no longer soothing, and his tongue no longer welcomed.

“Mm-No-mm” You pry at his chest until he comes off you. Sitting up immediately, you wipe your lips, an uninvited sensation crawling over you. You stare at Jimin who’s breathing heavily. Flushed face and blown pupils, staring at you in surprise.

“What’s wrong?” He asks

“I…I don’t want this,” You say, still wiping at your mouth, trying to make the dreadful feeling go away. You feel small when he grunts and looks away from you, running a hand through his hair in irritation. He stays still for a moment, burning a hole into the ground as you bring your knees to your chest.

“Then what” You glance at him as he speaks, “What do you want”

Holding yourself tighter at his hardened stare, you try to talk. But you’re unable to form the actual words

“I-I…I don’t…I”

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” He screams making you flinch, getting up from your side. “WHAT IS IT, HUH? WHY DON’T YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING?”

“I don’t know!” You yell back upset, tears blurring your vision

Snarling in anger, he runs his palm over his face.

“So, you just take a month off of work, stop talking to me, start taking these damn sleeping pills, go out to places with people I never met, yell at me when I do show concern, and now you don’t want me to touch you?”

“At least tell me what’s going on, please, tell me what you want,” Coming up to your face, he pleads with you. His eyes appeared half crazed and exhausted, it frightened you. It reminded you of your own when he first started distancing himself from you.

It was surreal to you, watching him get angry at you treating him how he treats you. Should you have been this angry since the start? Would that have made him feel as guilty as you’re feeling right now? All these hypotheticals were starting to bore. You knew exactly what you wanted from Jimin, you were just scared of the consequences of voicing what you desired. At that moment however, none of those consequences mattered…

“I want you…to be honest…” Breaking your silence, you stare at him dead in the face

“…what?”

“Be honest Jimin…stop pretending with me all the fucking time.”

Jimin looks taken aback as he watches you, trying to decipher the meaning behind your words. You’ve always been difficult to read…always.

“You think…after spending eight years with you, you’d learn the decency to tell you me the truth. Have I ever asked you for anything else? It could be the least you could do for me. Isn’t it, Jimin?”

You wait for him to say something, pushing through the exhaustion of your soul. “Why did you do it, Jimin…why did you choose to do it…to me?”

Jimin is a smart man. He knows what you’re implying, knows what this could mean for him…for you. You know…you had caught him. It would finally explain so many things plaguing his mind. Yet at this point he’d rather not have answers at all. His suspicion was solidified by the discomfort under your eyes. So lost and broken, an incomplete passion.

He racks his brain to speak, to refute, but instead he stays mum and helpless. There seems to be an invisible line you both can’t cross – aren’t willing to cross. Strange really, how the world turns, just to come back to where it was. If the female grasshopper bites the head off the male grasshopper after mating…who’s to blame? The female for being so heartlessly cruel or the male, for knowingly falling so hard it led him to his own demise? Maybe neither. Maybe they were both just caught in their own fate, helplessly watching as the world was turning without their consent.

You both stay there, quietly staring at one another.

A loss for words doesn’t cover it, you both were purposely letting the time pass by with nothing to disturb the environment. It was as if you both – in that time frame – you both were simultaneously recollecting the same thing. The first meeting, the first date, the first kiss, the first time. That one afternoon when Jimin took you to the park and he ended up getting swarmed into a pond by whiteflies because of his lime green shirt and he told you he loved you for the first time when you pulled him out. Or when you bought him matching mochi keychains when he kept losing his keys, and he wore it on display everywhere even when his friends teased him.

How every time you cooked something, he wolfed it up giving you a million genuine compliments and it made your eyes shine like Christmas lights. He’d make sure to peck your face several times throughout the day and peck you more if you blush, his favorite color displayed on your cheeks. You’d pretend to sleep through your alarm, so he’d wake you up by whispering in your ear. He would save chocolate strawberries at parties, even when he was drunk, just so he could bring them home for you. Just small, trivial things that grow irreplaceable down the road.

When you had to deal with all of his absences without a complaint, as long as Jimin would still smile at you with his crescent shaped eyes in the mornings.

When there was a time Jimin realized that he couldn’t live without you, so he ran away without you knowing.

They wonder what their relationship would’ve been if they met at the right time; a better time. When the world stopped moving for them, so they could see the other in balance instead of motion. Therefore, never feeling like the other was fleeting.

But they never will, they met when they met and did what they did. Their sins were written in stone, never to be erased.

And that’s just the case with them.

Jimin turns and leaves without the room without another word. You lie back down on the mattress lifelessly, wishing for the day to be over.

#BTS #BTS angst #BTS fluff #BTS smut #Jimin angst #Jimin fluff #Jimin smut #R:CHTMD

[roses-ruby]

So, About the CHTMD drabble(s) is there a part for Jimin to react to seeing y/n with jungkook outside the house?

Thank you in advance. <3

well no i wasn’t going to write that but it actually sounds pretty good. in my head, they don’t actually meet again for a long time (until jimin’s rehabilitation) so it’s going to be like an alternative universe/non cannon type situation lol

#i wish i didn’t feel burned out and i could write #who knows about how to deal with 5th house pluto raise ur hand #r:ask #anon #r:chtmd

[roses-ruby]

Hey❤

Read Come Home to Me...Darling and believe me when I say this, I relate to this like 200000%. Damn I've almost lived in that situation, been there in self doubting phase, seen thru stages of cheating of my bf, begged him to come back, and got dumped like it was my fault!

For 6 years I've lived like the way you've written, watched him cheat on me, Make me feel like shit and then dumped me. Trust me I am relating to this story like my life. It's like I relieved again. But as much as it hurt me and destroyed me, it also made me what I am today. Head strong Nd independent.

You've written it so so well, this is flawless❤ im amazed seriously! You're a masterpiece ❤

Well done love❤

Lots of love❤

Leah❤

omg Leah 🥺 LEAH BBY OMGGGG 🥺🥺🥺 your ex is dumb as fuck to cheat on an angel like you. when i was writing, i was trying to accurately conjure the mental makeup of a woman who would get back together with an ex that cheated and mentally abused her. i had to visualize what kind of insecurities she lives with/what sort of hesitant state her mind would be in. And it hurt enough trying to explain OC’s pain through words but you! you’ve lived it! I can’t even imagine your suffering for 6 whole years, but look at you! Head strong and independent you’re going to make me cry 😭 i am so glad you left that trash behind and i hope you continue to prosper in everything that you do!!! ❤️✨

#love ur name btw #r:ask #r:chtmd

[roses-ruby]

Omg I just had something come up. Imagine after the divorce Jimin stays with Tina for a long time and one day Tina bumps into Jimin’s child. How do you think Tina (or any woman who has a relationship with Jimin at that point) would react to that?

Every woman would react differently, and considering Tina’s personality, she would literally just run away from the spot lol. She’s not a confrontational person, like yes she can fight and stand up for herself but not when she knows she’s in the wrong. Mina would do something similar, although she’s a lot more charismatic. If she sees the child, she’ll smile at him and the kid would be would be wondering why such a pretty girl looks so sad (and in my mind the kid lost his mom) she’ll help find the kid’s mom and let them reunite before running off so OC can’t spot her. She doesn’t want to bring up painful memories for OC. Jessica would turn her nose up and walk away lol Jimin who?

#r:ask #anon #r:chtmd

[roses-ruby]

Hello there, I was rereading CHTMD, as usual😂 and let me take a second to say that it is one of the best pieces I've ever read. You have a way you of conveying emotions in such a real and raw way that leaves me feeling this heavy emptiness in my chest. Thank you so so so much for writing this fic, it highlighted some of my own issues and it means a lot to me.

Anyway, when jimin reads the letter he realises that hes in love with Y/N. Now every other time I'd read CHTMD I assumed that realisation was genuine but now I'm thinking that it was just him panicking and clinging onto her, so that he wouldn't be alone.

Had jimin really been in love with her the entire time and just denied himself that truth? Did he truly think that he loved her when he confessed or was it just another ploy?

And if Y/N had taken him back (thank goodness she didn't), would Jimin have changed his ways and stopped with the infidelity? What would the rest of their life look like together?

Please do not feel obligated to respond to this.

Thank you xxx

why wouldn’t i respond to one of my precious readers 🥺 you’re so, so sweet, thank you for reading.

so you have smthg going there cause he’s made tons of impulsive decisions before to hold onto OC (like actually dating her or proposing) she let him do whatever basically and it’s not that jimin knew for certain she’d stay with him even if he cheated, but smthg told him she would which is why it was so easy to be unfaithful to her (which sounds awful i know)

when he began to fall in love with her, it was sort of like getting hit with a truck. he only messed with her to see the full extent of his charms but if she’s somehow charmed him, doesn’t that mean he’s lost? so yeah he fought back, even though something inside him kept impulsively holding onto her.

so when OC starts calling him out on his BS, he’s like alright that’s it i’m finally through (cause she’s obviously crossed a line by wanting the bare minimum how dare she) but then there’s that letter and that stupid impulse to make her stay again. so yeah that scene, idk how to accurately describe it but it’s like that’s the subconscious jimin who just wants to love the person they love without all this self fighting? but yes it’s also just a panicky decision. the confession was a ploy.

the funniest thing!!!!! yes!!!! staying with OC at that time would have set jimin down the path of seeking help for his sex addiction and immoral behaviors HOW FUNNY IS THAT? the reason is because the girl he (subconsciously) loves actually called him out. it would have set him straight not right away but he would have cut ties with tina and have a conversation with the OC about love, therapy, past traumas, etc. he would still be kind of a jerk and manipulate the OC and everyone around him generally but the difference is he wouldn’t cheat. OC would be hella traumatized and always suspect him of cheating but she wouldn’t say anything ever again.

basically he’d have his character development with no repercussions.

#r:ask #anon #r:chtmd

[roses-ruby]

I remember when I was in high school a girl in my class used to wake up early every morning to help her mother get ready for work. She would make breakfast, help her mother get dressed and walk her mother to her work before she herself went to school. And after school she would pick her mother up from work, do the grocery shopping and cook dinner. She basically did everything regarding the household. Because her mother had severe depression.

Honestly it was so sad to know about her home situation. I wanted to help her but didn’t know how cause she was so independent to the point that receiving help from others made her uncomfortable. Luckily a lot of teachers understood her situation and were willing to her give extensions or wouldn’t give her detention if she came late to school. Every time I saw her, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She always looked so tired but also anxious. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending how you look at it) she was able to leave her mother and move to the big city when she graduated high school.

Do you this something like this would happen to OC and her child.

Just reading about your friend makes me want to cry. Although I feel for her mother’s depression, I also find it difficult to sympathize with adults who emotionally/physically abandon their children, no matter the cause. Her leaving her mom is definitely both fortunate and unfortunate, but I just hope she’s truly thriving. She’s such an angel.

As for OC, she’s a pliable fool. She’s very self reliant if you look between the lines, yet she believes she needs others because she’s insecure within herself. For example, when her mother abandoned her, she took care of herself, she grew up without friends, yet never let that affect her goals (as Jimin noted: she doesn’t care about popularity), and we all know that when Jimin discarded her, she became a stronger, more confident woman. Her insecurities make it easy to prey and manipulate her, (as Jimin has done), however rather than give into despair, she always comes out on top. Because she’s smart and compassionate and as long as she has a goal (such as ‘make mother/jimin happy’ and in the end ‘make myself happy’) she’ll keep striving.

I say this because even with the child around, her goal is to keep Jimin with her. Therefore, she won’t become dependent on the child. However, because her goal only concerns Jimin, she finds it hard to completely love the child and is often withdrawn and cold towards them. Mostly because she can’t acknowledge the fact that she even had a child but also since she’s always done everything herself thx to her completely isolated upbringing, she expects the same from the kid. But obviously because they are just a kid they can’t do that and she can’t understand why they can’t because mentally she’s still stuck at age 12 and it’s just a really sad and frustrating dynamic they share. Her attitude towards the kid is the only thing that makes me dislike her ngl sksk

#r:ask #anon #she's a selfish and coldhearted mother #use protection kids #r:chtmd

[roses-ruby]

so! i read the fic called please come home to me darling and i was so freaking broken??? like i resonated with oc on such a personal level because of how a lot of my self doubt and eagerness to be perfect for someone else was so similar to oc’s and I just can’t imagine the pain you go through before you reach the epiphany that you should love yourself, so i loved the story so so much. thank you for it :)

Your words made me so happy 🥺 thank you sooo much for reading. The fact that you related to OC is bittersweet because what happened to her was really sad, but I’m glad I was able to create a character who young women can resonate with! I’m really happy you loved CHTMD 💖💖💖

#r:ask #r:chtmd

[roses-ruby]

You know what, i just scroll through your chtmd tag and i laugh at anon who request for a jimin's redempt chapt...

But honestly, i dont think another jimin's chapter is a bad idea. But instead....why dont you just torture him more 😈😈 I really want to see how his life going after oc leave his ass. Like you've answer before that he's miserable and somehow alcoholic? I'd love to read that honestly. Bcs the more he suffer, the more i'd be happy lol

Its always nice to see a cheater got karmas bite them in the ass

Oh one more thing i forgot to mention is that i love the message you sent at the scene with mina regarding the homewrecker. We all are so used to blame the third party when the relationship are broken, bcs its easier to blame stranger who we had no connection to instead of the one we supposed to love right?

I mean i knew there're bitches like tina who feel no remorse seducing and manipulating a married men in to leaving his wife (and they suit each other ofc, bcs both are trash), but there're also people like mina who's actually also a victim of all this (in a sense).

As much as they all have their own mistake, none of them is as guilty as Jimin. He's the one who's breaking his own oath. He's the one who choose to hurt his significant others....he's the only person whom should be blamed for everything....

As much as I would love to punish Jimin, I didn’t mean to make the story about him at all. I think fridging him for OC’s development was punishment enough lol and his life being miserable is only because he has such bad habits that he usually gets away with since he’s cunning. But now, OC leaving him sort of broke that “I can get away with everything cause I’m Park Jimin!” mindset. Gave him a taste of reality. But still Jimin was born rich and he’ll get back on his feet soon enough, depending on his mental maturity.

I did think about creating a cheater character who has no remorse or guilt at all as a WARNING TO SOCIETY 🥴 and because it’s more realistic but since this fic was sort of a subtle jab at another fic I eventually decided to make Jimin a more “humane” character.

If you’d like to see more of the character’s thought process and stuff, just search the tag “R:CHTMD” 

And exactly! I’m not saying Mina/Tina aren’t wrong but I do not wish to create one dimensional female characters. Women have so much depth, even in their worst moments and I want to show all of it. If men can be romanticized and pitied after literally murdering people I don't see why I can’t protect female characters who made mistakes. People always think that it was the third party who seduced their boyfriend like what if it was your own boyfriend that seduced the third party lol 

#im at awe you are such a kind darling #thank you for your messages #r:ask #r:chtmd

[roses-ruby]

I like how you answer questions about the so called Jimin and OC’s child. It’s intriguing. I had a few questions about it as well:

1) Realistically seen, how much time will Jimin actually spend with his child? I assume that Jimin and OC will have shared custody & OC will probably have primary custody, right?

2) let’s say Jimin and OC do have shared custody, what kind of activities do you think Jimin would do if child would come over during the weekends?

Yes, if Jimin and OC divorced, then she would have primary custody over the child, mainly because Jimin wouldn’t fight it. To him, it’s OC’s kid after all and she’s the mother so her responsibility >>> his (let’s not forget CHTMD Jimin is a misogynist) I don’t see OC trying to keep the child away from him or anything either, which is why both parties would just go with whatever their lawyers recommend.

Since Jimin would be the one moving out of their shared apartment and therefore “moving around a lot,” your assumption of shared custody is also correct. Jimin will get to see the child every other Saturday and most of the time he’ll flake on the deal (and what is OC gonna do? tell on him? skksk) but here and there he’ll take him to an arcade or some shit. 

#r:chtmd #anon #r:ask

[roses-ruby]

Hello, I am an avid reader of Come Home To Me Darling (I love it so much😭). I was wondering, if you wouldn't mind of course, you could tell us what happens with Jimin after him and OC divorce for good. I've always been curious about how he felt about it and how it affects his behaviours and life from that point onwards. But please feel free to ignore this if you want. And thank you for writing that masterpiece, it's not always easy to find good writers like you on here.🤗

hello darling~ So after the divorce process is finished, Jimin moves in with Tina. He continues cheating of course, his temper flares up at small issues and he becomes a bit too reliant on alcohol which is the only thing that takes his mind off of OC. Thanks to all that, he ends up getting fired from his job and some time later, Tina breaks up with him. He has no choice but to move back in with his rich parents who place him in rehab. After a year or so, he starts sobering up and putting his life back together. With the help of his parents, he’s able to land a good job and ultimately moves back into the city.

I’ve gone into detail on what happens to OC and Jimin (and other characters) in the story in this tag: R:CHTMD 

thank you so much for reading my story 🥺💖 your praise means the world

#r:chtmd #r:ask #anon

[roses-ruby]

When you said “it’s OC’s child” in your last post. Does that mean that Jimin wouldn’t acknowledge the child as his? That’s so cruel 😭

No, his ego knows the kid is his. He would lose it if he thought OC had a kid with someone else. The thing is, since the kid is the worst thing that can happen to OC, in this AU, OC has lost all self agency. She’s a living shell who lets Jimin do whatever which is something Jimin knows and takes full advantage of. It desensitizes him from OC’s feelings, turning his “love” for her as a mere afterthought. And you know, those are easy to forget all together so :(

#r:ask #anon #r:chtmd