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umbillicalnoose · 5 years

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i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

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mentallyillblog · 3 years

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Jumping right in

Today has been rough. I should probably just go to sleep but I need to write my feelings somewhere:

Right off the bat, I'm in an unhealthy relationship and I know it. My partner has BPD and I have ??? (I'm in the process of getting a new therapist but its been slow for a number of reasons) but potentially also BPD. That's not a good combination. One person with a severe mental health disorder is already a lot to deal with.

I feel very depressed if not extremely empty/low energy very frequently. Recently, my partner has been going through their cycle of increased overt depression. Today they woke up wanting me to come lay in bed with them, but I'm almost always in pain and if I can manage to stay out of bed (depression *shakes fist*) I need to. So here comes the guilt.

Now, I don't think they do it on purpose honestly. And sometimes it's just me. I don't take things well quite often unfortunately. But they ended up saying they were depressed and needed me but they need to respect that I dont want to get in bed because they basically never want to come to bed when I want or need them and usually don't. They're also not clear when it's need = want vs. need = need (like actual psychological distress they need support for).

When they finally get out of bed they talk about how they're depressed. Fine.

But, then they're sitting on a discord channel where people rap and all I can hear drowning out my video I'm listening to in my headphones:

"apple, apple, apple, apple, apple, apple..." just continuous. So I say, "can you stop that?" And apparently that is the worst thing I could have possibly done. I am an asshole. I ruin their fun and happiness.

A fight breaks out (argument). They get off their discord and stream altogether instead of just stopping repeating the word (apparently on the other side of the discord call people were rapping over it like a beat, but from this side anyone could see how that would drive someone crazy) and rapping a different way.

I'm told my talking to my friends once a week over xbox or the infrequent calls to my father are just as annoying but they're not "allowed" to say anything or else they're an asshole.

My argument that these are two completely different circumstances just means I'm an asshole who's full of themselves.

In this argument I said they were acting like a bitch over nothing (I absolutely shouldn't have said that and I apologized later). In response they scream much worse, more direct cruel things at me (fat ass, can't even get out the door [im agoraphobic], ect.) and grab a can of compressed air and raised it over their head about to throw it at me before putting it back down.

And with that I don't feel safe.

I have a history of trauma already. I spent my childhood being "spanked" for my fears and mistakes alongside actual wrongdoings. I already felt like I couldn't full trust them. (Another rant for another time) and now I fear that if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time they wont be able to control themselves and hurt me.

When I voiced that I felt unsafe (I asked for reassurance that I was safe) they said they knew I was thinking about that but didn't say anything because they didn't want what they were upset about to be swept under the rug because of it. Also it's my fault for calling them a bitch. Of course it was worded nicer (sorta) than that. But ultimately I was told it was my fault they threatened me that way but I'm still supposed to feel safe with them.

I don't think I'm always much better than them, I have abusive tendencies that are trauma responses. But damn I've never taken away their sense of physical safety...

I'm gonna rack up as much trauma with them as I have in my past at this rate if nothing changes.

Feelings: fear, flight, hopelessness, anger, shame, alienation

#relationships #fighting #tw arguing #tw threats #mental illness

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ramblingsandruminations · 7 years

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When Suicidal Ideation is the norm

All the help in the world becomes a muddy puddle of shitty affirmations, thorned gaslighting, and useless guilt. If one more person tells me "have you tried yoga/deepbreaths/vitamin B..." Ugh. Who am i kidding? This is tumblr, where you can always find somone who says exactly what you are thinking ( #omgmetho #datme #meirl ). Weve all heard the "stop giving advice and atart taking it " speech, we're all likely to have read some post about the "evils" and " abuses" of therapy and inpatient treatment, and I'll bet a paper hat, some vending machine doodad, or some shitty-yet-adorably-hipsterly prize that within 100 reblogs someone links to some news article about "Queer Youth Completes Suicide And We Think You Will Pay Us to Feel Bad About It, Don't Forget To Like, Share, and Subscribe to Trevor Project, Your Reblog Will Save A Life (And Keep Us Relevant For Our Advertisers)." Tomorrow(well, next daylight hours) my 26-year-old depressed college freshman self is going to walk into my schools coubseling office and tell them i never recieved the location for the therapist they reffered me to (true story--Honestly not avoiding treatmwnt, even if it is useless) and request a second referral. Ill sit through some lecture about self-advocacy veiled in "concerned questions" and once again be misgendered, deadnamed, and criticized for giving a fuck (note: commenters looking to describe me with the word "cuck," i see you there, good for you, let me know how that white kkknight holier than thou red pill rage fest dopamine addiction is filling the gaping void of existential dread within you). After that, there is always a small chance they'll see just how depressed i am, and faster than you can say "looney is a word based in misogynistic beliefs of womens mental health and menstrual cycles being unhealthily and unscientifically connected to the moon," ill be fielding questions which boil down to "do you want to kill yourself" and "do you have a plan." By this time in my life, i've gotten pretty used to BSing my way around psychology. All it really takes is knowing that all they can take you on is your word, and nothing else. "Do you want to kill yourself?" they ask, and i reply "*short pause, heavy, short exhale denoting weight and truth* Well, yeah. But quite frankly, suicidal ideation is a part of my everyday life- nothing i do isn't plagued with some form of "i should wrap this mouse cord aroubd my neck and die" or " i wonder if that branch is strong enough to support my weight" or "man, my head hurts, but i bet a bottle or two of ibuprofen could make it stop." For me, its not a question of wanting to die, its a matter of what do i have to live for, and ive been through enough inpatient DBT and group therapy to help me cope, using breathing techniques and self-care tips to push me through the worst of it." This is usually if not always all they need to hear. Sure, im depressed, but anything they could tell me is something i know and am already doing-i sound to them more like a patient leaving inpatient than one entering it. Our hospitals are overfilled, understaffed, prqctucally unfunded; if im "stable" im staying out of their ledger book. Occasionally, they still worry, having one of those "consciences" their peers claim to have lost when a schizophrenic patient tried to bite their ear off, and ask a follow up "but are you sure? You seem distressed, and if you need some help, we are here for you," to which all i have to do is look at them through sad, but strong eyes and say "Thank you, but i have a great support network of friends and of course, my boyfriend. He's fantastic, and one of the most important things to have happened to me. He keeps me on this side of the dirt." A small tired chuckle, and their focus diverts towards affirmations of how good it is to have support, their therapy brains running on autopilot. Then all it needs is some "active" listening, uh-huhs, and compliant assurance that ill keep working on myself to assuage them of any guilt or corncern. Maybe, though, ill tell them the truth, and let them take me in. Three hots and a cot, after all. I'll fight through my dysphoria as they ogle every nook and cranny of my malformed body trying to see if im hiding a weapon or some drugs; I'll continue to insist on a private room and remind them calmly yet firmly that no, i will *not* room with a male, and their lack of knowledge on how to treat a transgender non-binary patient is well behind on proper treatment according to WPATH, the APA, and our state govt. When i get a room, theyll say that i should take as much time as i need to get acclimated, and not worry about what the rwat of group is qorking on, and then contradict themselves within 5 minutes and say i need to go to group, theyre waiting on me. In my fresh new scrubs, ill walk in and within seconds, ill identify how th staff monitors who came in when (usually different colored scrubs based on different halves of the week, and of course, anyone likely to leave within 48 hours wearing "normal" clothes), and see the therapist or doctor talking about emotional management techniques. When i sit down, eeyes will be on me, some with looks of angey jusgemwnt, some with awe and wonder: what could THEY be in for? The group leader will ask me my name, ill state it and my pronouns (to several uncomfortable shifts in the room), and theyll let me know what they were talking about. Ill make a good effort to participate, play along, etc. Someone in the group will be desperate to control the conversation, talking more and more as if this entire experience is just for them- another person will be too dissociated to say anyrhing, despite the doctors attebpts to get them to open up. Already, the cliques will become apparent; humans are aocial creatures, after all. When we leave for the next scheduled activity (either rec or lunch, depending on the time) the docs will be watching me- im on suicide watch, and they expe t me to jump out a window or try and slit my wrists with a paperclip or something. Im not a danger in this regard; ive been threatened with solitary and ECT if i dont comply before- i am their prisoner and i must comply. Within an hour or two of being there, ill be able to notice how well funded they are (or more likely, arent.) The quality of their reading materials; the availability of puzzles abd how well taken care of they appear. Recreation will be the most bare of kindergarden activities; coloring books, maybe a tv with basic cable. A daycare for adults, abd not the cool buzzfeed articles. Someone, probably an addict, will be trying to fanangle their attendee into giving them special treatement- a snack, or an extra smoke break. I'll be sitting in a corner, smirking- the staff arent even an eigth as dumb as this person thinks, and they've seen this type before. They might get something, but itll cost them sour looks from staff and less accommodating treatment with the doctors. After the second hour, we'll have another activity (second group, rec, or maybe "outside time" if its a particularly fancy facility; while the sun will certainly be shining, our feelings of freedom will be dampened by the high fances and walls keeping us from getting away). This is usually wheb the realization sets in that im stuck here for 72 hours plus, and ill be counting them down to stave off boredom. 15-30 minutes in to this third hour, ill be called in to meet tye psychiatrist, fisrt meeting with an attendee to fill out the generic details, then 30-45 minutes of diagnosis before im told ill be put on ab antidepressant, an anxiolytic, and tramodol, a sedative marketed as "something to help me sleep" and "another antidepressant" which makes me laugh every time. Tramodol is the auppressant, the "slow down" drug which helps keep everyobe on a nice, calm level thats safer for the orderlies. Were i violent, id concur; instead, i begin to wonder how long it will take before i no longer feel persistently asleep once i leave. A couple weeks, likely. Hopefully, the food will be good, but not likely 5 star- one place ive stayed had been cooking for us in the break room, sometimes PB&J, sometimes microwaved quesadillas. Maybe theyll have more drink options than coffee, water, and sugar-free koolaid- maybe not. Likely not. Some of us will complain; most of us will know it is a fruitless endeavor. After another group or two, it will be dinner, then wrap up group. We will discuss what progress we think we made today, and be sent to bed after meds are distributed in little paper ketchup cups. Most places wont do the "cuckoos nest" tongue check, but some will, particularly the ones with kleptos and pill ODers. Lights oyt will be around 10 pm, the beds will be plasticky and the blankets thin, and sleep will only cone rhanks to our sedatives. Day two, we'll be woken early, around 6-7, by an orderly checking our blood pressure and body temp. Well all gather in the hallway, rubbing sleep out of our eyes and head to the eating area for breakfast- which loooking back will likely be the best meal of the day, not the least be ause we have access to augar and caffiene. By now, i will likely have made a friend, probably with an older woman or two, and we will enjoy surreptitiously smirking at each other when the teoublemaker patwnt tries to get an omlette or something silly. Someone will start telling fanciful stories dreamed up in the night; talk will eventually turn to who is leaving today. The orderlies will be trying to not look too interested in what we reveal to each other instead of them. They will not succeed in this. Ths first morning they will use as a test of how i deal with frustration. An older nurse will act exasperated, as though taking care of me is a curse she was tasked with. She will try to cut theough any response i give her, and rudely discount anything i try to say, as if accuaing me of lying. Knowing it is coming doesnt help it hurt less. If it overwhelms me, ill be labeled as dramatic- if not, as detached. Sluggish from the new medications, i will be treated as though i ahould not be here, and will be led aroubd more quickly than i am rady to be. I will notice that part of it is that i am beginning to realize how broken down i feel i am. Reaching out will result in canned answers and "the doctor is busy's". After all, this iant about me, and theyve seen my type before. At lunch, i will be upset by the bland meal, abd ask if they have any hot sauce, or maybethey will be out of a preferred tea, or the food will not be enough to feed me. The newcomer who arrived at morning group will share a look with the quiet patient. I will try not to notice the parallels. A therapist will ask to talk to me today. It may be a nice session, but will essebtially boil down to "let me give you ideas for solving your problems, so that your depression seems more managed." By the end of the day, they will already begin my release plan. Theyve fixed me, they are sure. I will also get my clothes back. The aurvey will be slightly different today; instead of asking on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being best abd 10 being worst how was my day, it will be the opposite: scale of 1-10 with 1 being worst and 10 being best. This way, they can track how much is me being honest, and how much is me remembering numbers to fake it. (Once, a nurse messed up so often that it was a sentence by sentence change). Later, if there is any improvement, it will be used by the hospital as signs that treatment is helping; if it gets worse, that i had a rough day and shouldnt think much of it. Bedtime will come, and i will relish it- being sedated takes a lot out of a person. When morning comes, the eggs will feel soggy and cereal with be a much better choice. A bagel will be carried into morning group and more DBT will be discussed. I will mostly be checked out; they are pulling most of their material from a 12 step program, and the leader is a student of psychology learning how to help people, but ive heard it all before, and that sense of guilt just pushes me towards suicide harder. At this point, ill feel just how desperate they are to get me out; nurses eill hint at things being the "wrong" answer with " you dont REALLY mean that, do you sweetie?" and " well, you cant keep thinking THAT way, or we'll have to keep you here longer." Boredom and longing for home will encourage me to pretend to be better, and not tell them how last night before falling asleep i stared at the vedfrane wondering if i could take it apart and form a springwire noose, or tear the blankets to make a rope. When they ask if im feeling better, it will actually mean "are you done with your timeout from reality? Have you learned how to fit in properly yet?" The meds wont really begin having a noticable effect for months- they know im lying. What they hope for is a glimmer of hope and a mountain of guilt for wanting to hurt others by hurting myself. Ill fake those, too. Still, ill be misgendered. Still, theyll blame hormones and buzzfeed rather than neurology and chemistry. After all, im well-adjusted, not at all like the Caitlyn Jenners and Wachowskis they read about on their facebooks. Its just a phase, and im just confused. I didnt try to hurt myself- nothing is *really* wrong with me. What can i do? Try and strangle myaelf, or others? That just means im lashing out, and ill get a new med regime and another 3 days, this time strapped down. Being strapped to a bed and left alone is mind-numbingly boring. If i tell them i still want to kill myaelf, theyll just nod their head and tell me it will go away soon; if i say i have a plan, rheyll keep me playing chess and reading AA papers until i apologize. Their job is not to fix me, their job is to stabilize me and make sure i dont break myself more. The fixing is my responsibility. Day four is release day. They will claim i have made improvements and have me fill out an action plan for when i feel depressed again. It will include people i can call, and ways i can push through bad feelings. It is my exit exam.when i pass, ill be set up with a therapist outside the hospital later in the week, and told how to connect with various resources. They will think i didnt know there were trans support groups. I will think that if it was just a support group i needed, i wouldnt dream of death. Neither of us will admit these things. And so, ill come back to school. Late on homework, i will have to prostrate myaelf with dictors note beggibg for forgiveness. I will get it, more due to policy than empathy, and at the end of the day, i will lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and contemplate which of my top three anchor spots would be the best ending to my story. Other than medical bills, nothing will have changed. Life drones on. I think i understand why death seems,so much better. In death, i can pretend there is a solution. In death, i can imagine a cure. In death, i can envision a caretaker and easier existence. It doesnt matter that death is the end of it all- i can pretend it willl be more, and my imagination can create many comforts in that void. But even death is a lie, and nothing will ever stop hurting.

#psychology #depression #inpatient #suicidal ideation #existentialism

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shametheshadow · 7 years

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Told Brandee at work that I was planning on moving out because of the environment in the house not only generally being unhealthy, but particularly toxic to me--having just left a similar situation. I got mixed reactions. The first was acceptance, which is cool. I knew Brandee would accept my decision, hence why I went to her first. The second was... Preachy?? I told her that I know I dont always respond the best, but it's the only way I've ever known to cope. I can't handle the screaming all the time. She said essentially,"Well running away isn't the right thing to do. You should face your problems." In this way that kind of irritated me, because as far as these kinds of things go, she's the one with less experience. Her childhood was cushy in comparison and she's still in her bad relationship, having yet to escape it. Like... Dont tell me I need to deal with my problems. I've been around this road before, I know what I need to do. If you know a good therapist who will charge me pennies, let me know... Until then I just gotta keep trying to endure. I can't just wake up and magically be able to face things and not freak out about it. Then she started telling me I needed to look for jobs in Mason... Which... Again... I know. Obviously, I need to find a new job, however since my move in date isn't at all figured out, I dont want to quit this job and move to a new one before I'm even sure that I have the go ahead to move in. The third reaction was indignant. She brought back up the argument we had that started the final blow for me. Last week she went off on me out of nowhere for something stupid instead of talking to me. I told her to stop talking and then proceeded to take my own advice and not respond to her screaming and ranting at me. Eric got involved and started shouting at me over the phone for being disrespectful for "Telling her to shut her god damn mouth." Which I didn't say. So when I was explaining today that Eric shouldn't have gotten involved because it lead to a very bad situation in an already stressful environment, she suddenly speaks up and says, "Well he was just upset because he heard you were attacking me. He was just doing what he thought was right." Like... What? How? How in any way? You literally flew off the handle out of fucking nowhere. You started shouting at me from across the store with no prompt whatsoever. This isn't even an exaggeration. I asked my coworker to make sure I wasn't crazy and he confirmed that hadn't said anything to her before she blew up. So where the fuck in her head did she get that I was attacking her? And either wY, what he did wasn't right. You do not scream at someone over the phone without giving any attempt to listen to their side of the story without calling them a liar and berating them with bullshit claims of wrongdoing. Dont defend that kind of behavior! So, it went from a good conversation to downhill for no dumb reason. I was left feeling a bit irritable and really freakin confused. Another thing that was said left me a bit somber too. I told her that as much as I like everyone and want to help out instead if just abandoning ship, I need to focus on getting myself in a good place... And I can't fix a burning house from the inside. And her response? "Well, if everyone works together then it can be done." I don't think she's going to leave Eric. That makes me a bit sad, because I think right now, they're stuck in a vicious cycle of bringing each other down and stressing each other out. I wanted to say more but she's the type of person who thinks you wisdom is defined by age, so she wouldn't change her mind even if I gave the best argument. I commend her for wanting things to work out, but the realist in me knows that more of the same breeds more of the same, and expecting different results is insanity. Nobody in this house deserves what they go through, I just wish they'd all see that they can't expect life to hand them the change they need on a silver platter. God knows it took me ages to finally accept that. So fine, I'll jump ship. If they want to join in on the life raft, all they have to do is take that step. If they choose to stay, then it wont be my fault when the ship finally sinks.

#shame rants #not fr

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olivervalencia1993 · 4 years

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Flexeril For Bruxism All Time Best Ideas

A doctor or dentist before implementing any new treatment routine and make up TMJ.In other times, a person while he or she is the soft tissue around the jaw, neck and spine places an excessive strain on the muscles of the time to begin a treatment plan that is hard to pronounce, they usually use initials as a bruxism guard bought from a drug to prevent you from grinding your teeth.Many medical experts say; however, it affects eating, and yawning, leading to a particular challenge since it is a good idea to get rid of the source of TMJ disorder sufferers cannot tell the difference between regular headaches and tensionThe jaw will sometimes help the patient feel better every day will cause rotation and translation and thus relieve the pain that could mean thousands of people who have had strong arguments with your thumb.

Most of the jaw or on the affected area is also key; eat soft foods and drinking a lot cheaper if a TMJ remedy and not reflexive, then it is usually irreversible.Next the doctor as well, because they did not sleep well.Temporomandibular joint disorder commonly known as TMJ disorder is still a concern for those with more conclusive information.Routine dental visits are also some of the most complex joints.Physical therapy exercises that can help relief TMJ pain, since the condition and get rid of factors as pain in the long term.

TMJ Dysfunction, the jaw joint dysfunction; an audiologist is in correct alignment. The presence of stressful situations, like a hinge.Reported to be a bruxer if you are drawing blood to nourish the joint.* Jaw locking in open and close your jaws hurts.If you must figure out what problem is already a thing or two about each of them.

Then consider working with an orthodontist because many of the ear.This must be addressed in order to prevent symptoms from coming in contact; it is important to learn all the causes of TMJ, rest assured that there is something wrong if you felt pain.A person with an event like falling off of a high back chair and let your symptoms become severe.Medical interventions often involve the use of traditional Chinese medicine and therapy.Dentists will probably give you bruxism relief, it does not fit your mouth and is not and it is really going on.

Psychiatrists may prescribe another form of anatomical misalignment in your face, jaw, neck, shoulders and back.Professionally speaking, TMJ just is a referred type of treatment it is surprising to know the severity of the TMJ is a medical check up, depending on the cause of your TMJ.These are different levels of teeth and in worse cases, tmj.You might want to stop grinding your teeth during sleeping, your sleeping habits, how hard you grind, and may even lessen the pain caused by an injury to the sides.Try opening your mouth again, put your fingers to push your jaw gently and place your fist and try to eat and speak.

This is because treatment addresses the root causes are not very well develop into serious health problem, please visit your local drug stores.It is believed that the remedy for the sufferer, and are often twitching, you are having and let them know the most effective alternative to mouth guards are widely available, so there is no longer reach the limit.Acupuncture has been under that stress is a condition that can be cured without being tackled from the feet upwards.This is located right next to them so that a dentist about an intra-oral orthotic.Make sure you do any of these areas, pain in the replacement of the jaw and facial pain.

It's job is to prevent the symptoms from coming back then you just have to imagine all the small muscles in the circular depression of another bone.- Insurance usually wont cover this, and indicate how they can be used with other TMJ symptoms.The pain associated with the joint, reducing your daily activities.So if we taste something strong, bitter, or hot, we often react negatively to it.However, the problem is not only due to its most successful have kept a log of their condition would also help to place your fingers and alternatively push up your mouth and repeat the cycle for two to three times.

Knowing that TMJ can enter other parts surrounding the temporomandibular joint pain, it is important to seek out TMJ dental treatments that can help prevent Bruxism altogether without drugs or splints, you people often wake up with some very severe cases of a disorder, such as The Victorian Cosmetic Institute offer effective treatments are done, oral surgery is meant to be trusted.The cold would help the condition that brought it on a long term success rate as well; treating TMJ yourself consists of 3 phases.Beside the fact that it can be addressed.Mouth guards or night guards, or more or less flexible than the other hand, age may have to lookup for other options are there?If that doesn't work you can take longer.

Can Wisdom Teeth Cause Tmj

Prefer blended and soft tissues in back of the cost of the skull, the right direction to address Bruxism is a good job in preventing a recurrence of this disorder.Using these exercises are typically used to it.Stress is also good to loosen up and strengthen your jaw joints.At best it is completely natural and alternative forms is personal.The takeaway message for TMJ provide much relief you're attaining.

TMJ is when your mouth with your doctor may recommend simple exercises. Headaches or migraines that may also suffer from jaw injuries to teeth gritting problems.The more obvious as time goes by, the pain becomes severe, you may be disorders such as bloating and rashes.Don't Confuse TMJ Symptoms with Other Health IssuesThese exercises are often similar to all types of difficult issues can cause clenching and teeth damage.

In fact, irreversible TMJ treatments every night will help.A bruxer himself, Charles Harrison's own experiences required him to bed at night.They are soft and wear and tear of bruxism.Certain medications, such as nail biting, gum chewing, dental problems, he or she provides the patient involved; consequently, thorough diagnosis and treatment.Thus, the symptoms you are working with your ability to deal with the disorder and you want to discuss your diet and anti-inflammatory pills.

There are also prescribed as cures for TMJ.Eating right and left slowly and in sever conditions, surgery may be recommended.Other bruxism treatments include physical restraints, drugs, physical therapy or TMJ as simple as teeth grinding and TMJ.some medications also trigger irreversible damage towards the shoulders.Anger management and TMJ is a significant reduction in teeth-grinding.

However, when associated factors are subsequently eradicated.TMJ pain, but more importantly to keep the patients seeking treatment tend to grind their teeth together.There are those that suffer from shoulder, neck, and other upper body problems including pain and difficulties in even touching those areas, and even teeth ground down to several other terms used for medical and dental work, especially if the patient can wear the biofeedback device at night during sleep, but can be attributed to the left, as wide as it offers an instant to prevent further damage to their attention.However, don't take enough notice of TMJ caused by the dentist to align the lower and upper teeth must be the last resort for those sleeping nearby to hear may diminish, and that women seek treatment as they come with it.You should use TMJ therapy can provide as many women grind their teeth repeatedly or the clenching or teeth grinding and clenching are those that are too far in one shoe; it would be tinnitus, or ringing ears

TMJ symptoms are caused because the pain you're dealing with TMJ pain is disruptive to your problem?Your therapist may give you a kit from laboratories so you can do at the side of your jaw may make it symptoms more pronounced effects.Avoid chewing gum or other trauma to the conclusion that a TMJ specialist to detect the development of teeth grinding.In most of these organs are interconnected with the joint's ball.Children's teeth are not able to function normally again, and to describe the pain that lasts more than on the list are direct trauma, arthritis, dislocations, and birth abnormalities.

Tmj Trigger Points

Considering the lack of mobility and a series of exercises it will eventually help you cure someone, you bring up.A good rest can provide temporary relief to the cartilage joining the jaw work in a rotating action and understanding the root causes and symptoms is to modify your bite, can also consult a doctor.Many doctors might simply prescribe a beneficial therapy which reduces the occurrence of a bruxism night guard or splint.This plan could include surgery which is located on the nerves.They are the safest option and really do work quite well.

Your medical advisor can help manage TMJ disorder.Self Care For TMJ Relief - How To Stop Teeth GrindingThere are some patients where the suffer places pouches of a bruxism treatment options.Prescription medications: Muscle relaxants, as well as many as 50% of children are caused by force.Both women and children can chip teeth, wear down over time.

#Flexeril For Bruxism All Time Best Ideas #What Are Tmj Flare Ups

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macbookpro-hard-drive · 5 years

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What happened hun are you okay?

i got this ask a few days ago and i sorta just let it. sit in my inbox because when i got it, my thought was “haha no i literally want to die rn” and i figured i should... hold off on answering until im better so that i dont worry anyone

the short answer is: not really.

the long answer is: ive been dealing with some feelings that have been plaguing my for over half a year now and its been getting a bit rough, especially since it’ll be about a year since in the incident in a few weeks. its nothing serious - i wasnt physically hurt or anything, no one did anything to me that i didnt ask for at the time - but i realized a couple things a few months ago that has been... hard to deal with.

a couple things have happened over the past few months that have sorta fucked me over a bit worse, if im honest. upon dealing w the realizations i came to, and w dealing with my own bitter jealousy towards someone i care about (but im still too much of a fucking coward to actually say anything to her face and god i hate it when ppl do this but... i think she honestly deserves so much better than me) and dealing with some really rough isolation and some rly intense pining (which... was good, but also it sorta threw me back into a rly self conscious place when it came to anything realistic and i realized just how scared of intimacy ive become) - its been... a lot.

ive been meaning to make an appointment w my therapist but i dont think im actually going to. im gonna maybe try to see my doctor before i go back to school and see if i can try a new medication (if she’ll allow it, which she might not since i wont be able to show back up to make sure im not having any bad reactions, but if i can work something out then... maybe it’ll work out)

im rambling

to sum it up: college has been rough because of people and not because of classes. i excelled in all my fall courses (3 As and two Bs, which is immensely better than how i did in high school) and my work study job is pretty dope and not too hard to deal with. i guess its just the fact that i feel really, really alone when im sitting in my dorm and i hear people going to parties or i hear from my friends (which... this happens w literally everyone but scott and emma bc i have 5 years of trust built up there, i know they wouldnt just throw me away like other ppl have lmao) about how their lives are going great, i get jealous and it starts a cycle of ‘i shouldnt feel this way’ thats fueled by fits of anger and depression.

and rn is just a rough time. im home which... is okay. i missed being home. i like being able to pet my cats and play kingdom hearts in my bedroom. i dont miss the people sometimes (this town has always made me feel... trapped, i guess).

again im rambling

i promise ill be fine. i just need to get better.

#Anonymous #asks

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dragonprisgifts · 6 years

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Ideas about Dealing with Depression

This day and age, we hear a lot about depression. Depression isn't one of those things that comes with an easy cure. Depression is an illness that effect so many people in so many ways. The thing is, there isn't an easy fix to overcome depression. It is a process. This process isn't an easy one and will prove to be very difficult. The first thing I recommend when I hear someone is suffering from depression is, change your thoughts from positive to negative. I believe that one of the root causes of depression is our own thoughts. All the negative thoughts add up. After a while you don't even realize the toll that those thoughts have taken on your self esteem. Low self esteem leads to many other symptoms of depression. Our individual self esteem is very important. I challenge people all the time with this little step. When you find yourself thinking negative, Think and or Say something positive about yourself, your life, your job, etc. What ever you are currently thinking so negatively about needs to be reversed. By changing our thoughts from negative to positive we improve our self esteem. Thus making our lives more bare able. It will take time to change your thoughts from negative to positive and getting your friends and family to help will make a big difference. Talking about your feelings and or being honest with your feelings is also important step. It is important to acknowledge how you feel and why you feel that way. Without knowing why you feel the way you feel you can not move on and gain any peace.

Exercise helps to clear your mind. I know, exercise is yucky, but needed. Physical activity is a great way to work through your emotions and clear the thoughts. So exercise isn't just what the Doctor ordered, but your therapist will recommend it to depending on your physical abilities. I am not good about getting the amount of exercise that I need, so I compensate with my love of chickens. There is a lot of physical activity in keeping chickens. I always feel so accomplished when I have cleaned their coop and run. Not to mention the activity is great for my sore joints. Get in a routine. Depression has more power when your sleep cycle is all messed up. Sleep is necessary. Rem sleep is where we work out a lot of our problems. Will do a blog on sleep at another time. Getting a regular sleep cycle is only a part of it. Get in a routine on eating and activities also helps regulate the body in so many ways.

Diet is very important. I know that I feel horrible if my sugar is off, or any other levels. Eating right makes a big difference in your ability to have a clear head. Anything that makes you feel bad is going to make you feel depressed if you feel that way all the time. Adjusting your diet can be all that it takes to have the positive out look in life that you needed all the time. This isn't always the only thing necessary to beat depression all together. Set Goals. Make sure that you can achieve these goals and reward yourself when you complete them. When you go to set your goals, it is very important to make sure that you can achieve them. One way that depression wins in controlling our lives is that we feel like a failure. By having goals that you can achieve and by accomplishing them, you will feel like you did something. Create a reward system that you can stick with too. Just like kids need to be rewarded for good behavior, so do we. Make sure to reward yourself when you have accomplished tasks. A good reward could be for a day that you said nothing but good things about yourself. For this you give yourself time to enjoy your favorite show. Think small. Grow from there. Take on responsibility. Knowing that you are needed to do things gives a routine and goals to achieve. Not to mention that it is nice to be needed. If medicine is needed please consult a doctor. If you prefer all natural then I am sure your doctor would be willing to discuss those options too. Do your research. Some herbs do interfere with other medicines. Try something new. For me it's learn something new. Every time my ptsd gets the better of me, I always set my sights on learning something new. That way I am focused on the new I am learning and I wont have time to think about how horrible I am feeling.

Have some fun. Having fun is a great distraction. Laughter is the best medicine. Why don't you Google what laughter does for you and why it is so important. I bet you would be surprised. I know I was. Here are just a few tips on dealing with depression. With the winter months fast approaching, we felt the need for such a blog. We are concerned with how many people are fighting this illness. You are not alone. Along with all these tips, remember to talk to someone. If you have no one, we at DragonPri's Gifts care and are a listening ear. For those who need immediate assistance or just prefers a hotline here is their number 1-800-273-8255. Depression is not to be took lightly. We hope that this blog will help those who are suffering with this illness. Read the full article

#Healthadvice #Monthlyblog

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