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avictimofthejazz · 3 years

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Difficult Person Test Results Ranked 1 (Hardest) to 14 (Easiest)

After completing the Difficult Person Test for all fourteen of my muses and ranking them, I have complied it into one master list. Here’s a chance to meet my entire crazy crew. (under a read-more because it got long. It links back to my 1980s muse blog because it has six muses so it carries the most muse-weight)

1) Hans Westergaard—54.29% (Frozen) @thereismoretomylifethenice

Amazingly enough, trying to solve your problems by murdering people might make you ‘somewhat difficult’ to get along with. Therefore, Hans earns the top spot on this somewhat dubious list.

2) BA Baracus—41.43% (The A-Team) @avictimofthejazz

Whelp, he’s not dubbed “Bad Attitude” Baracus for flattery’s sake but once BA decides someone’s his friend he basically turns into a giant teddy bear and, despite grumbling, generally the only people who have to fear him are any fools stupid enough to mess with the people he cares for.

3) Templeton ‘Face Man’ Peck—40% (The A-Team) @avictimofthejazz

A con-artist with a penchant for nicking things, and an inclination toward rampant commitment and trust issues being hard to get along with? Naaaaaw. But, like BA, once Face decides someone is his friend, he’ll march straight into hell to help them with only minor complaining.

4) Gavin Troy—38.57% (Midsomer Murders) @anoseforrottenapples

Troy’s blunt, often to the point of political incorrectness and often gets peoples backs up because of that. Underneath that however is a sincerity and honestly that will either take him far in his career….or get him killed when he makes the wrong kind of enemies.

5) Inez Recillos—37.14% (The Magnificent Seven television series) @iwillmakemystandhere

Slam one guy’s head into a bar and you get a higher score on this test then strictly needed…Inez runs her saloon with an iron fist wrapped in a velvet glove but when she decides who her friends are, she’s loyal and loving. She is, however, a Prank Queen so take that into consideration—you want her on your side if it comes to a prank war.

6) Michael Knight—36.43% (Knight Rider) @avictimofthejazz

Michael’s easy-going and laid-back…until he’s not. While Michael would rather make friends then enemies, once a person crosses that line he becomes a force to be reckoned with and has earned a well-deserved reputation among the criminal classes as a result.

7) Mary Travis—32.86% (The Magnificent Seven television series) @themostpowerfuleditor

Mary is a lady, pure and simple but while she would rather fight her wars with words then with weapons, she has no qualms about pulling out her rifle and dealing with problems the direct way. A modern woman who’s priorities include working, voting and drinking (not that she does much of the latter but it’s the principle of the statement), Mary is generally easy to get along with but a force to be reckoned with when she’s got a reason to be.

8) Vin Tanner—30% (The Magnificent Seven television series) @innocentmanwithabounty

On the surface, Vin is a mild, quiet, even-humored man who takes life as it comes to him…but still waters run deep. Voted (by me) as the most dangerous person in this line-up, Vin deals with trouble efficiently and ruthlessly but will always give people one chance to walk away before the fight starts and he hopes they take it.

9) Maggie Sullivan—28.57% (The A-Team) @avictimofthejazz

A military trauma surgeon turned General Practioner, Maggie is kind and sympathetic but takes no nonsense off anyone (least of all a certain Colonel Smith). While tough and capable, her main desire is to keep people alive and sometimes that requires a firm hand so she’s not afraid to lay the law down when she needs too.

10) Murphy Michaels—28.57% (Remington Steele) @avictimofthejazz

Murphy Michaels is generally an easy-going man…until Remington Steele opens his mouth and Murphy’s stress levels start rising. When left to his own devices, he’s a diligent and steady Private Investigator who’s not afraid to take a few hits in the name of the job and generally finds himself trying to be a voice of reason in often-bizarre situations.

11) Kristoff Bjorgman—28.57% (Frozen) @thereismoretomylifethenice

Steady and reliable like a mountain, Kristoff would prefer to go through life alone except for his Troll family and a handful of trusted friends. Though outwardly stand-offish, under his gruff and pungent exterior, Kristoff is a warm-hearted man who would much rather make friends then enemies and just needs a little love and care to bring out his best sides.

12) Elsa of Arendelle—25% (Frozen) @thereismoretomylifethenice

Though her powers may be ice-based, Elsa herself is a warm and caring woman who only wants what’s best for Arendelle and for her family. While willing to isolate herself to keep her country and family safe from her powers, she eventually learns that the control she needs lies in the love that she has for everyone around her.

13) Jane Marple—15.71% (Miss Marple Mysteries) @anoseforrottenapples

A gentle, mild old lady with a penchant for gardening, tea, knitting and gossip, Jane comes across like a beloved and sympathetic grandmother. This makes it very easy for her to worm information out of people and gently advice police Inspectors on their cases, thus ensuring guilty parties can’t get away with their dastardly deeds.

14) Kelly Stevens—10% (The A-Team) @avictimofthejazz

Kelly is an angel, pure and simple. A veterinarian who loves animals, she also never balks at helping people in need…even if they are mentally unstable pilots who’ve been kidnapped from the VA hospital by ruthless bounty hunters and need help contacting their friends, a team of former Green Beret commandos turned mercenaries on the run from the military. The simple fact that she helps Murdock despite all this insanity and then visits him at the VA, believes in him and brings him pizza earns Kelly her place as the Nicest Muse I Write.

#We're Just In Here Staying Out of Trouble (OOC)#Muse: BA Baracus #Muse: Templeton 'Face Man' Peck #Muse: Michael Knight #Muse: Maggie Sullivan #Muse: Murphy Michaels #Muse: Kelly Stevens

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reidscanehand · 3 years

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I've watch Frasier and Bob's Burger. I love it. You have such a good taste sweetheart.

As you can see i like your taste in series soo can you give a list of your series and films recommendation?

Ah! I'm so glad you enjoy them!

This is so sweet especially because I lowkey think I have absolutely horrendous (and/or just bizarre) taste, so I'm thrilled to hear that you like them, too!

In terms of other series I enjoy: I do not watch a lot of television, but I'm a big fan of Murder, She Wrote, Poirot, and Miss Marple (these are technically ITV series, but they're straight up like mini-movies). I really liked Downton Abbey until, like, season 4 or so. I watch Big Mouth a little, Brooklyn 99 (I have to be in a very specific mood to sit down and watch TV, so it really just depends on that). I grew up watching a lot of British television like The Vicar of Dibley and Are You Being Served?, which I like a lot as well. I grew up watching Friends and I like it as a comfort thing, but I barely 'watch' it, if that makes any sense. I will also...ever so occasionally watch documentaries about ghosts (I don't like ghost hunter things because I believe in ghosts and that feels...rude to the ghosts?) and Old Hollywood.

In terms of film, I'm all over the place. I like slightly creepy stuff and old stuff. My favorite film of all time is The Philadelphia Story, which is a classic farce based on a play and it stars Katharine Hepburn, Jimmy Stewart (who I adore), and Cary Grant. I'm a big fan of Bringing Up Baby (which also stars Katharine Hepburn), Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (another Jimmy Stewart film). I love Alfred Hitchcock movies and my favorite is probably Rear Window. While it isn't a Hitchcock film, I love Charade, Wait Until Dark, and How to Steal a Million (all of which star Audrey Hepburn). I studied theatre and the best movie musicals I've ever seen are Cabaret, The Sound of Music, Meet Me in St. Louis, and Funny Face. I love period romance films, too, like Emma (2020), Sense and Sensibility (the one directed by Ang Lee and written by Emma Thompson because oh my GOD), and the 2005 Pride and Prejudice adaptation. Oh, and An Education.

I'm trying desperately to become like...a film buff? If I had my time again, I'd minor in film studies because I'm a huge fan of it...but I'm not smart enough to, like, talk about it? So, I'll occasionally try and watch, like, a 'smart' movie? In this category of films, there are more critically acclaimed things like When Harry Met Sally or Network or Misery or In the Mood for Love. From this year's Oscar nominees, I loved Nomadland and Promising Young Woman a whole bunch.

However, I also just like what I like and I'm fortunate enough to be getting to an age where I really just watch what I want to watch and don't watch what I don't want to. I'm really easy to please, which is helpful. Growing up, my favorite films were things like Return to Oz, The Cheap Detective, Clue, A League of Their Own, Hocus Pocus, The Addams Family, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Corpse Bride (which I still list in my top 5 films of all time), The Secret Garden (1993 one, I think), Little Women, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and Practical Magic (comfort tip: if you're having a bad day, cut yourself a slice of banana or pumpkin bread, pour a coffee or tea to have with it and watch Practical Magic; it cures the soul).

When I was young, I also listened to director commentaries on movies all the time, still do, sometimes, so I always recommend doing that because it's super fun and interesting. I, like, love knowing why a director wanted a certain actor to stand where they're standing or, like, the symbolism behind a shot. I did this all the time for my favorite Disney films. My favorites are any of them where the art is slightly different or more interesting, so I really love Snow White (frankly, a miracle that film got made), Sleeping Beauty (there was a different animation director than the other original few films and you can really tell), and 101 Dalmatians.

To sum up, I'm a long-winded gal who enjoys old comedies, laughing, slightly spooky things, old-fashioned things and listening to slightly nerdy commentaries. Hope this was...informative? Slightly helpful? Fun?

Love you xx

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gamerdamemedia · 4 years

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Are there any stories(fanfic or fiction) that you’d recommend?

I get asked this a lot, & honestly it’s hard to recommend any fanfics because I don’t read as much of them as I used to. Most of the ones I know are old & haven’t been updated or don’t exist anymore, like A Dog’s Life. And most newer stories I’ve seen utilize cliches I can’t stand (I swear if I see one more A/O/B story I’m gonna strangle someone).

Now when it comes to regular fiction, I always have recommendations. I read pretty much anything other than westerns & (ironically) straight romances.

Probably my favorite book is The Count of Monte Cristo, which is an historical fiction/drama about a man seeking revenge on the people who betrayed him. The movie adaptation with Jim Caviezel is also one of my favorite movies. Just make sure you get the unabridged version.

If you like fantasy, it’s hard to go wrong with the Lord of the Rings books. Other perhaps lesser known series I like are the Dragonriders of Pern by Anne McCaffrey (although I think that’s technically more sci-fi but I didn’t know that when I started reading) & Kushiel’s Legacy by Jacqueline Carey. Dragonriders can be confusing because the author pulled a Star Wars move & ended up going backwards in the timeline as the books progressed, so it’s hard to know where to start. I’d recommend starting with the first published (& middleish in timeline) Dragonflight. The series has some annoyances for me, such as very rigid gender/sexual norms, but for my favorites in the series I can overlook it. I think the best are Dragonflight/quest, the Harper Hall trilogy, Moreta & Nerilka’s stories. As for the Kushiel’s Legacy, I’ve only read the first 3 as Phedre’s story. They’re about a courtesan trained as a spy who has to save her kingdom, & is cursed by her gods to experience pain as pleasure. So obviously more mature, but it never came across as vulgar at any point. The first book, Kushiel’s Dart, made me cry & I stayed up many nights reading it. Another good fantasy book I came across in high school was Dragon’s Winter by Elizabeth Lynn. It’s classic high fantasy-- & I just realized one of the main characters is an archer. What can I say? I love archers in fantasy.

If you’re more a horror fan, you can’t go wrong with HP Lovecraft. I haven’t ready all his stuff, but I think the best short story is At the Mountains of Madness. Shadow Over Innsmouth is probably the easiest to start with, & the Curse of Yig is another good, short one. All of his stuff is short-story/novella length, so very manageable. In the same vein, I like Brian Lumley’s Necroscope series. Very Supernatural-esque, with psychic-powered government agents. And I’d throw in the classic Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which holds up surprisingly well, even if it’s frustrating from a modern perspective as no one in the story seems to know the tropes for vampires.

And if you like mystery, I recently discovered a series call the Cat in the Stacks series, with a librarian & his cat solving mysteries. I also enjoy Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple stories. Maybe it’s because I grew up watching Murder She Wrote, or maybe I just like to imagine my grandma solving crimes. And of course I’ll throw in the Sherlock Holmes stories. I challenge you to read them without imagining Abel as Sherlock. The Hound of the Baskervilles is the best, in my opinion.

Two quick real-world fiction books in case you like those are Armageddon Summer & what when I read it was titled The Shadow Child, but upon just looking it up has been renamed to Among the Hidden as it has since become the first of a series.

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thebittahwizard · 4 years

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Damn Right, It’s Women’s Work: A Random Literary Recommendation

Wow, a whole goddamn day for little ol’ us-es? Well, let’s not waste it. In honor of International Women’s Day and my English B.A., here’s a rec list of all the works created by kick-ass women that helped shape my life.

Literature is What You Make of It

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that the book you dogeared, accidentally dropped in the tub, left to yellow in the sun, and read year after year doesn’t qualify as “literature.” The entire industry of the written word is completely subjective, and as long as a work is everlasting to you, it counts.

It fucking counts.

Here’s a list of the works that helped shape my life, for better or for worse:

Murder at the Vicarage by Agatha Christie

My mom started me early with both Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot in print and on TV. Every time I read one of Christie’s works or see an adaptation onscreen, it’s a nostalgia blast straight to my solar plexus.

The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir

This is basically something every person should read to help understand the history of feminism. It’ll help you think about things differently. Or at the very least, you’ll get a head start on your university’s Gender Studies 101 reading list.

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. by Judy Blume

All works by Judy Blume are 100% recommended for young teens, but this one pushed the envelope by frankly discussing both religion and sex. I think teens could use a little more openness in these areas.

Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood

I read this during my junior year at university on a whim. People kept telling me to read Handmaid’s Tale, but I didn’t just to be a contrary bitch (and also because the topic of HT frankly freaked me out with its eery believability). Oryx and Crake is also a little eery, but it’s definitely worth it.

Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson

Seventh grade was an interesting time to read this, but it honestly helped me discover the uncomfortable truths of being a girl in this world in a healthy way. This is a trauma novel and you should go into it understanding that for the context of its nonlinear structure.

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

This is a story about a black woman’s desire for love in a world designed not to give her any. It’s raw and charged with issues of race, sex, violence, and gender roles. You can’t go wrong with a slow read-through of this novel.

The Giver by Lois Lowry

This book wasn’t actually my favorite. It was a forced read for my eighth grade English class, and it was a bit of a dry end product for what the concept could have been. However, I really do like the novel’s symbolic use of color (and the absence of it).

Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

I’m not fucking crying, you’re fucking crying. Seriously, I thought the book was bad enough, but that goddamn movie? Jesus Christ, that was an early lesson in masochism.

A Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft

This is one of the earliest works of feminist philosophy, and it’s definitely worth the read. Not just to admire, however, but to understand where it falls short and to contextualize how long the feminist movement takes to intersect with other important aspects of life.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

She is the mother of science fiction and, arguably, horror. It’s rather short but packed full of a poetically creepy plot. And just so you know, it’s actually the Frankenstein monster. Frankenstein is the doctor. /s (I understand that this is actually a common misconception, but Jesus tapdancing Christ do you know how many nerds have said this to me? Take your condescendingly raised pointer finger and shove it.)

Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe

Read this because it’s fucking history, bros and brosettes. Also, it really gets you thinking about the integrity of the average white liberal.

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

Yes. Alllll the yes. Do it.

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Move over Emily, the better Bronte is coming through. No seriously, move over because Wuthering Heights was so goddamn dreary I need to take a depression nap.

Sandy Keyes and the Hotel Thief by Wendelin Van Draanen

I read every single book in this series. Sandy Keyes was a sassier Nancy Drew and I was here for it. These books filled every spare minute of my elementary and middle school years. I hope other younglings keep her alive.

A Raisin in the Sun by Lorraine Hansberry

Money, family, poverty, gender roles. This play has everything. I highly recommend reading this work or watching a performance.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling

J.K. Rowling may be a no-good fucking TERF, but the bitch knows how to write an engaging fantasy world. It was a flip on whether she’d go on the Dishonorable list or not, but Harry doesn’t deserve that. Also, the third novel will always be my favorite.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

I still remember so clearly in my mind my freshman English teacher (whom I hated) in high school asking the class what this book was about. Everyone kept answering with the obvious: racial conflict, the limitations and successes of the law, family, Scout growing up, etc. She kept saying no and then after 10 minutes of guessing and having us squirm she smugly said, “It’s about Jem breaking his arm.” Then she lectured us for 30 minutes about close reading. It’s irrational, but I’ve hated this book ever since.

The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan

The structure of this novel is absolutely fantastic, and it’s a great insight into the relationships between Chinese-American women and their families.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

That goddamn pie. It gets me every time.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

All Works By Maya Angelou Will Always Be Recommended.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Jane Austen isn’t really my favorite author, but this is my favorite work of hers. I’m a rather basic bitch that way.

Just Listen by Sarah Dessen

I cried. I was 14 years old and thought I was long past crying over a book. I was not.

The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson by Emily Dickinson

Her diction, syntax, and rhythm are wild. Also, John Mulaney was 100% correct.

The Street by Ann Petry

I read this during my senior year of university in my Black Existentialism class. It was a bit mundane and a little bit sad. Definitely worth a read, though.

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli

Believe it or not, this was my first foray into LGBTQ+ literature. I have my own reservations about the book itself, but I’ll always be thankful to this novel for knocking me over the head and leading me down a path that I hadn’t thought to discover.

The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman

This shit was crazy. Literally.

The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton

The names of the characters are 1000% cringe. And why did you have to do Johnny dirty like that, Susan? Also, am I the only one that kind of hated the movie?

The Awakening by Kate Chopin

This whole book was so goddamn boring. But when understanding exactly what the book was about and how it ended, I feel like it’s appropriate that it was.

Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell

This one is cute and sweet and fit for any teenager to peruse at their leisure.

Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks

Another Gender Studies 101 required reading to knock off your list. You won’t regret it.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions

Jesus Christ, but I hated everything I ever read by these authors. But I still read them. Blurgh.

Stephanie Meyer. She tried, but it all was just so, so bad. I still read each fucking book in the Twilight series, though, so who really won this battle?

Ayn Rand. Fuck you, Ayn. Nothing further to say, really.

Cassandra Clare. Her works weren’t actually that bad, but her behavior online soured my grapes until I couldn’t read another page of her Infernal Devices series.

Anne Rice. You made vampires boring to me, Anne. Me, an angsty teenager. And you somehow made vampires boring. Congratulations, I guess. Also, fuck off with your holier than thou shit. Ya make boring books, Anne.

#bittah wizard #Random Recommendation #literature #books #novels #writing #rec list #women #women writers #international womens day #you gotta fight #for your right #to write #feminism #authors #women authors

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regressionanxiety · 4 years

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Dr. No (1964)

I am watching all of the James Bond movies, they are very bad and I love them. These are some of my thoughts as I watch, it’s basically a recap so you know, spoilers...

It starts with some murdering. James Bond is called into work, goes through the waiting room and meets with M. He gets a new gun because M insists, he’s very proud that under his leadership 00-deaths have gone down. Moneypenny is the best as always.

James Bond arrives in Jamaica and is instantly spotted, of course he is, he is after all, the worst spy. He is looking for a Taxi, but there is a driver waiting for him. Not at all suspicious. Bond makes a phone call. Is being spied on. Then goes to the car, and tells the driver to “just take me for a ride.” I know he’s just stalling, but I will use this line as support for my argument that James Bond is a chaotic bisexual.

Now Bond points his gun at his driver, questioning him, as he well should. The driver kills himself with cyanide hidden in a cigarette. Bond takes the car and drives to wherever he’s going, dead guy in the back seat. Tells a person when he arrives: “'sergeant, make sure he doesn’t get away.”

He drinks and puts out snooper traps in his room before he goes out to investigate his case futher. Chatting with some men, being his very best Miss Marple her, non threathening, pleasant conversationalist, even when the topic is grim. He’s directed to a man with a boat, Quarrel, who doesn’t want to talk to Bond and gives him some sass (everyone should give Bond sass) and turns him away. Bond, of course, isn’t deterred and approaches the man just as he’s having a bear. Now he wants to talk, because it’s private. They go into a storage room of some kind. The man has a knife and the guy at the bar (I think), grabs bond from behind. Bond easily throws them both into some neatly stacked (and empty) Red Stripe cartons, product placement or just an attempt to convince us that we’re really in Jamaica right now?

Bond thinks he has the upper hand now, but no! The man from the airport (not the dead driver - this isn’t that kind of movie) with his sunglasses is there, and he has a gun!

“gently, gently, let’s not get exited” the man says. With those sunglasses it’s hard not to mister. They are talking suits, like real gents. The other guy is CIA, and his name is Felix Leiter. They’re friends now, with drinks (and i’m sure fucking - those sunglasses can only mean one thing). Underneath the mango tree plays.

A woman takes their picture, now they need to get her. They question her a bit, Bond destroys her film, but gives her the camera back, they send her off. She calls them rats and says they’ll be sorry.

Bond learns about an island Crab Key (?) owned by a Chinese guy, apparently Quarrel and missing guy Strangways went there to collect geological samples. Locals won’t go near it, some have and never came back. They know very little of the man, except that his name is the titular Dr. No.

Bond is exiting a taxi, and the men who dealt with Strangways earlier are back, sneaking around with a gun pointed at Bond, but a car roars by and they miss their chance at an easy assassination.

Bond is talking to a professor Dent (one of the men he chattet with about Strangways before) about the geological samples from Strangways, he claims to have thrown them away because they weren’t anything. Bond is batting his eyelashes and being his best Miss Marple again. He knows the man is a liar!

Prof. Dent goes straight to a boat to get to Crab Key. These bad guys are really dumb. Anyway; crab key is guarded by men with big guns.

Very dramatic room. The professor is being berated by a disembodied voice for coming during daylight hours, stricktly forbidden. This still isn’t that kind of movie, but Dr. No is clearly a vampire. There’s a spider in a cage on a table. If guns don’t work on Bond, try spider bites?

Bond is back in his room. Checks his intruder revealers and as expected they have been disturbed. He wants some vodka, throws ice in a glass, opens the bottle, thinks twice, sniffs it, then puts it back down and opens a drawer and pulls out another bottle. Uses this instead. I’m not sure why that bottle would be safer, unopened and sealed somehow?

Ruh roh! Someone feels a little spidey! Bond killed it, his first murder in this film!

Bond gest a package, finds that the files on Crab Key are missing, sets up a date with a secretary (the stunning miss Taro) he caught eavesdropping. Business as usual. His package was a geiger counter? He checks some samples with his pals Leiter and Quarrel, and yes, they are radioactive. The professor is a liar! Gasp! Who knew! Now they must go to Crab Key, but in the night, after his date. But wait! there’s a note for him at the hotel reception. He calls miss Taro, she wants him to come to her and gives him some directions, a car starts following him, trying to drive him off the road? Oh noe, a crane or something is in the road, what will Bond do? His little car goes under, the bigger car that follows? Not so much, goes over and burns up.

“How did it happen?” The man who has the crane thing asks. “I think they were on their way to a funeral,” Bond replies.

He finally arrives at Miss Taro’s, shes just out of the shower, drying her hair, while wearing a tight toweldress???? Clearly not expecting him. He kisses her, and she protests.

The phone rings. She promises to try to keep him there. He really does seem to be a terrible kisser. They fuck. He pretends to want italian food so he calls a taxi, despite getting there by car. She is confused, he kisses her again to distract. Then the car comes, and she’s arrested. She spits in his face, which he deserves. He goes into her house again, creates a scene: pours some drinks, leaves his jacket, puts on a song (underneath the mango tree, again), goes into the bedroom and uses a pillow to make it look like someone is in it. Then he waits.

The professor walks through the door and shoots up the pillow. They have a chat. Bond shoots him. Then meets up with Quarrel to go on to the island. Makes a quip about it being a break from being a clay pigeon, but I somehow I doubt it. Leister is worried offers to go instead, but Bond refuses him.

Wait, why is bond asleep on the beach? Was that the plan? Did I miss something?

Ah, the bikini. It isn’t a very good one is it? They’re hiding from guards with guns now. Bond promises he’s no threat to this woman, Honey Ryder, but we all know that’s a lie. They must hide, they’ve been spotted on radar. They get shot at, the woman’s boat is ruined so she has to tag along. They sneak up some kind of river I think. Almost get caught, but don’t, hiding under water using reeds as breathing tubes. Honey claims Dr. No killed her father, a marine biologist, who came to Crab Key to never be seen again.

Now she’s telling Bond about how she killed her landlord (who raped her) via spiderbite. It took him a week to die. Bond just pouts at her, probably knows he might have deserved that spiderbite earlier...

The rumored dragon is nearby, and Bond, who knows it isn’t actually a dragon, wants to see it.

they’re captured, Quarrel is dead, and claimed to be contaminated. Geiger counters going wild! They need to be hosed down. Then they’re put in very nice quater and treated as guests. because why not. They have some coffee, it’s drugged and they pass out. Bond breaks a perfeclty good cup in the process - that brute. A mysterious figure, with shiny latexy gloves takes a look at Bond in bed. Dr. No presumably, he lifts the cover a little before we cut to the next scene. Sean Connery really isn’t that attractive Dr. just kill him already!

I’ve always wanted an evil lair. Finally the elusive Dr. No is revealed. Are you a good Bond villain if you don’t have a physical disability? It appears that he doesn’t have hands, because of errors in his work or something. He finds Bond a worthy adversary or some such. Bond has Honey sent away from the dinner table - ostensibly to save her. Dr. No quickly realizes that Bond is in fact just a policeman, not smart enough to join his criminal gang after all, SPECTRE (Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion) has no need for the likes of Bond, though if they did he’d prefer the revenge department. He is apparently being tortured, we don’t get to see that, but his clothes are ruined when we next see him in a cell he quickly escapes from by going into the pipes that keep this underwater facility with air. He falls down one of them and gets to take his shirt off. Oh no! Water rushes in and Bond must hold on!

He gets out, finds his way into a radiation suit (stylish, with a very square hood, he looks like a Doctor Who villain in an episode where they ran out of budget) and infiltrates a control room! They’re talking about a vehicle and say the word radiation a lot. Bondis trying to figure out how to sabotage their sabotage (of a rocket launch). Big science words! No time to think for Bond, just punch everyone! Chaos! Alarms blaring, abort abort!

Bond vs Dr. No. Bond wins and Dr. No goes down in what may be boiling radioactive water? Doesn’t seem like a delicious way to go. Everyone is fleeing the facility, Bond somehow finds Honey and frees her (she’s tied up on some ramp with water coming in, were they going to let the tide drown her? This is not how you kill people effectively).

Lots of footage of people fleeing, flinging themselves into the ocean etc. Bond and Honey get a boat, the facility goes boooooooooooom!

The boat runs out of fuel, and Bond and Honey settle in to wait for rescue, Leiter show up and start to give them a tow, but Bond lets the rope go so he and Honey can fuck. Leiter shakes his head and smiles at them in an overbearing manner.

THE END

#recap #dr. no #james bond #sean connery #007

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thesffcorner · 5 years

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Truly Devious

Truly Devious is the first book in a YA mystery/thriller series written by Maureen Johnson. It follows Steve, a high school junior, who gets accepted to Ellingham Academy, a free private high school founded by Mr Ellingham: a newspaper and steel magnate, who viewed learning as a form of play. She gets admitted to the school because of her peculiar interest in true crime and investigations, specifically because she wants to solve the famous Ellingham mystery: who kidnapped and killed his family. This book got rave reviews; people said it was atmospheric, creepy, clever and I went into it with high expectations, but also a lot of skepticism, mostly because me and YA thrillers don’t tend to always agree.

I can happily say that this book delivers on most of the hype. It’s well written, both the case in the past and the case in the present are interesting, and the characters are well developed. However, I can’t fully recommend it, or even really explain how I feel about it because of the ending, or rather the lack thereof. I don’t mean this is an open ending, I mean there isn’t one. This is a part one to the mystery, and neither the past nor the present case are solved. I imagine we will get the answer in the sequel, but I am apprehensive, because I saw on Goodreads that there will be a third book. I just don’t see how this mystery can be stretched out into even just 2 books, let alone more; as such I might come off as a bit more negative than I probably intended, because half of a mystery is the ending, and without that how can you really be satisfied. Before we talk about that, let’s talk about the setting. The plot is set in Ellingham Academy, a private boarding school in Vermont. It was founded in the 30’s by Albert Ellingham, an incredibly wealthy man, who owns American steel, a newspaper and a production studio. He’s a true tycoon, a man clearly inspired by the likes of Howard Hughes, Joseph Pulitzer and Warren Buffet, self-made millionaires, hard core capitalists and people who as his friend Detective Marsh puts it “think they are invincible”. I like the idea of the Academy, this Montessori type establishment where learning is play, and the curriculum is very specifically tailored to the student’s interests. However, as always, I don’t see why it has to be a special high school, and can’t just be a private college or conservatory, and have the characters be 17-18, instead of 15-16. Ellingham Academy is already described as an old, classic style small, private, liberal arts college, down to being set in the middle of nowhere, on a hill, with a mostly inaccessible road and surrounded by woods. This makes for a possibly interesting atmosphere; this old isolated house, full of mystery and haunted by the past, surrounded by nature, full of an secret passages, tunnels, catacombs, etc. It should have made for an excellent backdrop to this murder mystery, but unfortunately I feel the setting just wasn’t fully utilized. Johnson does spend a great deal of time and effort into meticulously describing the Academy, the Minerva house and the grounds, but her descriptions are very sterile. There’s no sense of atmosphere or tension; a lot of the time it’s just paragraphs explaining what is on what wall, or what is what color and long tangents about the Ellinghams. This is also why I kind of shrug in confusion when I hear people say this book is creepy; nothing that happens and nothing that is said on the page is creepy; it lack proper atmosphere. If you want a book set in a small liberal arts mansion, surrounded by woods, that’s even set in Vermont, try If We Were Villains; even the Charlotte Holmes series did a better job with the setting and atmosphere. The plot really is where this book excels. It’s clear to me that Maureen Johnson is a fan of mystery novels and whodunnits; there are tons of references to Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple, and even noir style detective books. The Ellingham mystery is even reminiscent of the case in Murder on the Orient Express; both set during the Prohibition, and both revolving around a cast of characters implicated in the disappearance and murder of a rich, self-made millionaire’s family. There’s talk of politics of the time, a prominent clash between Mr. Ellingham and the anarchists, and the person who confessed to the crime has clearly not committed it. The way the investigation is lead by Steve too was very old school; she makes deductions based on clues and reasoning that all make sense and we can also pick up on as readers, there are clues in the interview transcripts she reads, and in general the case itself was interesting to keep me invested. The main issue with the plot was actually how the present day mystery and the past mystery intersected, which wasn’t helped by the pacing. It takes a long time before the present day story catches up to the past, and especially at the start, I really didn’t care about Ellingham and his plight, because we quickly find out that his wife and daughter are dead, meaning he never found them. So it was just a slow trudge through the motions he took on the day, and then at one point we just top cutting back to the past, because we have to focus on the present day mystery. We only come back to Ellingham in the very, very last chapter. It’s not well balanced, and it doesn’t feel like the present day story and the past are connected at all, other than Steve being interested in solving both. The present day story is interesting, but even still, I’m not sure what Hayes filming his project had to do with the Ellinghams, other than tangentially being related because they are filming a short about the Ellingham mystery. There is a thematic connection, linking to Steve’s assignment about putting a human face on mystery (which was something that really warmed me to the dean of students as a character), but other than that, even the way Steve figures out what happened, has nothing to do with the past mystery. Speaking of Hayes, this book’s other strong suit are the characters. There are plenty of them so I won’t go over all of them, but they are all developed, and interesting enough to hold my attention. Ellingham and his posse were straight out of an Agatha Christie novel; I honestly wish that the book had maybe split it’s time more evenly, focusing on a core character in the past as well as the present, so I could get more easily invested. From the present day, we have a few of the larger parts: Elle, Janelle, Nathan, Hayes and David. Elle was fine; she was very much the type of person you would find in a private boarding school, and I enjoyed how open she was about her personality, body and sex life. It’s always nice to see female characters who are a bit off and are actually in tune with their confidence and body. Janelle was also fine; I liked she was openly out, gets a girlfriend pretty quickly, and though there’s a little jealousy on Steve’s part, they very quickly move past it, and have a healthy, supportive friendship. I really liked their little trio of Janelle, Nate and Steve. Hayes was the typical Youtube star, or at least the general stereotype of someone who is attractive and charming and uses other people to do the actual difficult work for him. I liked that even though he wasn’t the nicest person, the book didn’t demonize him, and acknowledged that he did indeed have talent and could do at least some of the things he claimed he could. Nate was a surprise to me, because I expected the book to take a different direction with him (which it still might in the sequel, but I’m really hoping it won’t). He’s a writer, so he’s mostly there to discuss how difficult and annoying, while at the same time exhilarating writing can be, and I really enjoyed his banter with the other characters. David was interesting; he was kind of abrasive and an asshole, though I almost think he wasn’t enough of an asshole to Steve after what she does to him, and her horrible, non-apology she gives him. The ending caught me off guard, though in hindsight it makes a lot of sense, so I give this book points for this. I won’t spoil it, but this book does have a romance, and I surprisingly didn’t mind it. I expected someone different to be the love interest, and I was pleasantly surprised at how it actually was. Even when the romance starts, the book doesn’t spend too much time using him as a red herring, which I appreciated; I don’t know if this is just a YA thing, or a genre thing left over from noir stories, but why is the love interest always a suspect, but never actually the perpetrator? Finally Steve, who was the best developed and most complete character. I liked that she had a set personality, while there still being room for her to grow. Even though she’s awkward, and shy, she was still funny, still had good banter with the boys and the rest of the school, and was confident and smart enough to solve the present day mystery. I liked her relationship with Larry, I liked her relationship with the other characters, and enjoyed watching her grow, even if I didn’t always agree with her decisions, and thought what she does to David was horrible (and her being angry at him on the bus for helping, instead of at her parents who are the real reason she had to even be in the situation in the first place, was dumb and never addressed). All in all, a decent start to a possibly interesting mystery, depending on the answers we get in the sequel. Not bad, but as an incomplete story, I can’t in good faith recommend it, or rate it any higher, though I still think that if you like classic style mysteries and detectives, you will probably enjoy it.

#truly devious #truly devious review #moni talks #book review

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writing-creativo · 5 years

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TOP 5 AGATHA CHRISTIE BOOKS (a rather spoiler-free list)

https://beawrites.weebly.com/literature/top-5-agatha-christie-books-a-rather-spoiler-free-list

When I was fifteen I picked up my first Agatha Christie novel for a school assignment. Ever since, my love for the author’s work has developed into a slight obsession and I can now consider myself a fairly avid fan of these books. And a quite well read one, if I may say so myself.

If you’ve never heard of Agatha Christie before, or don’t know much about her, she was a 20th century mystery writer who dipped into multiple genres – she wrote everything from novels, to poetry, plays, and even travel books. Her most well-known characters are detective Hercule Poirot and the endearing Miss Marple, who always seem to be able to defeat even the most ingenious of murderers.

Not only is she the best-selling novelist of all time, Christie’s books encompass a period of roughly five decades. This means that besides the detective work, we also get a peek at life in Britain during most of the 20th century.

Now, I’m in no way a literary expert on Christie. She’s an author I enjoy reading and that’s about it. And like any reader, I have certain peeves that will influence this list. Whether you agree with me or not, don’t take this ranking too seriously and explore the books by yourself, which, after all, is the best part of discovering an author.

With all of that said, here are what I consider to be Agatha Christie’s top 5:

1. Murder on the Orient Express: This is perhaps the most predictable place on the list, but there’s a reason for that. The setting consists of a luxurious train connecting Istanbul to Paris in the 1930’s, stopped in the middle of nowhere due to a snowstorm. If that doesn’t lure you in already, it also has the most interesting and iconic twist in all of Christie’s books. So interesting that even Hercule Poirot himself is left questioning his own morals, which is a quite rare occurrence. It dips into the reasoning behind murder and you may wonder yourself how morally wrong it is, after all.

2. Endless Night: If the ranking started with a classic Christie mystery, this is the one I find the most unconventional of the lot. It’s a stand-alone novel whose protagonists are a young couple trying to escape the suffocating environments they both grew up in, and whose lives you get completely wrapped up in. That is, until one of them is murdered. The story is told in 1st person, and it’s written in a very peculiar tone. It’s a psychological thriller with an almost gothic atmosphere to it, and even dips it’s toes into the supernatural.

3. Death on the Nile: Another classic work featuring Hercule Poirot (you may be starting to notice that Miss Marple isn’t exactly up my alley). This time it all happens in a cruise through the Nile during the 1930s, where a love triangle takes unprecedented proportions. Not only is the setting delicious, the characters are extremely captivating and written so wonderfully you get caught up in their drama straight away.

4. The Hollow: This is what I like to call the “Wuthering Heights” of Christie’s novels. While Endless Night has the gothic element, The Hollow gets the despicable characters in all their glory. I wouldn’t call them “evil”, in the Heathcliff sense of the word, but they’re so morally grey that you don’t know who to root for, while also being completely invested in them. To summarize it, Dr. John Christow is shot by the pool during a family meeting and it all goes south from there. And while Poirot solves the puzzle once again, he isn’t the real protagonist of the story.

5. Sad Cypress: Sad Cypress is a recent read that took me by surprise. It’s somewhat of a court drama. You catch up with the plot when the murder has already happened, and the main suspect is facing accusation in the court room. That would be Elinor Carlisle, who I find to be one of the most interesting and relatable characters in all of Christie’s work. While the final twist isn’t too memorable, your attachment to the characters (or mine, at least) makes the whole process of the trial almost unbearable, even though you don’t doubt any of them could truly be guilty. This would’ve won a much higher spot on the list, wasn’t it for the inconsistency throughout the book. It’s divided into 3 parts, and while the first one is phenomenal, the pace slows down and picks up randomly throughout the other two. Hercule Poirot makes yet another appearance, but it’s such a small part that the story would’ve refreshingly managed without him, which Christie admitted herself.

And that is it. This ranking isn’t set in stone, and I promise you that in a week or two my opinions will have changed drastically. But as of right now, these are what I consider to be the five best detective novels, dare I say, of their century.

As you can see, I favour Poirot novels and standalones over Miss Marple books, as well as character development over big twists. If you’re not like me and despise the Belgian detective (almost) as much as Agatha herself, you may not find these as interesting as I make them out to be, or at least tried to.

#agatha christie #murder on the orient express #literature #hercule poirot #poirot

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smcquail · 6 years

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Whats Wrong With Your Work; The Final Clue

Okay, so full disclaimer; mystery stories are not my usual cup of tea. This is mostly because my introduction to the genre was Agatha Christie, who uses this trope to cheat. A lot. I can only think of one book (Cards on the Table) where she doesn't pull this, and I actually got into that one.

Picture it; you're nearing the end of a thrilling mystery. You've seen all the evidence, and you have a theory about whodunit, but the characters are stumped. There's no way they can definitively solve this case… when suddenly, the plucky police side character bursts into the room, waving a piece of paper above his head. He's got it, he says, and you're all going to want to see this! But nevermind that, audience, we have to skip straight to the climax! To the protagonists confronting one of the suspects. For a moment you're confused –this isn't who you thought it'd be!- and then the detective (amateur or otherwise) reveals it: the Final Clue they acquired off-screen, the definitively puts this rapscallion behind bars. The pieces all fall into place, and you enjoy that wonderful "Aha!" moment.

Except not, because like me you feel cheated. All that thinking, all the theorising you've been doing alongside your favourite characters has gone to waste because the author wanted an easy twist ending. The one vital piece of information necessary to solve the case and you never even got to see it!

This is The Final Clue. And it's cheap.

As I mentioned, Agatha Christie lives off of this trope. Almost every story of hers has Ms Marple or Hercule Poirot being informed of something off-screen or making an immediate deduction from thin air that we are not privy to all so they can seem intelligent when they gather up their suspects for a big old murder reveal party. Christie's long-held status as the world's most celebrated mystery/detective author has meant that this trope bleeds through even to modern writing. Especially into TV crime drama.

I know why it's done, of course. You have a few moments of suspense while you try to work out what this suspect has to do with the final case, or a few seconds of tension where you wonder "what do they know?" It creates a shocking twist that completely floors your audience because how could anyone see that coming?

All of which is a side effect. The real reason writers do it is because it stops smart-arses from guessing the criminal five chapters ago.

I can understand not wanting your climax to be spoilt. A mystery story thrives on suspense and intrigue, and having all that gone by the time you get to your big reveal feels horrible. So you try to divert the audience, set up little red herrings everywhere, but still, someone figures it out in an instant, and you're left grumbling in the corner surrounded by rotting fish.

But while you may have gotten your big reveal you've ruined it by robbing the ‘aha!' moment from your audience. You've ensured your reader won't figure the mystery out because you've made it so that they can't, and readers will notice this. Mystery readers thrive not on being surprised but by having their suspicions confirmed. You don't need to hide the culprit, you just need to give us enough reason to doubt so that when the culprit is revealed, we get to gleefully shout "I knew it!"

There is another option, though. Since the big reason The Final Clue is used is to stop the climax from being spoilt by a smart reader picking up on the clues faster than the ace detective, writers could also consider making it so that the big reveal isn't the climax. Blasphemous, I know, but hear me out: if the reader is going to work out who it is five chapters ahead anyway, why not use those five chapters of dead space for something interesting? Like chasing down the culprit and apprehending them. If you don't have to put everything behind the unmasking, then you can put all that effort into making something else into the climax.

Instead of apprehending the criminal in their living room with a smirk and a ‘gotcha!' from Ms Marple, chase them down as they rush to escape, knowing the detectives are onto them. Create tension from a hostage situation as the culprit threatens to shoot his own family -or even himself!- as a last, desperate attempt to escape justice. Build suspense as the police realise the culprit has gone missing and hasn't been heard from in over a day. All of these can create a rush of excitement or drama or tragedy if you're so inclined.

Just please don't try to cheat us. You're a writer, not a magician.

#writing #writing tips #mystery stories #trope #tropes #agatha christie #throwing shade #WWWYW

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dragonwarriorgal · 3 years

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Fate: The Winx Saga Finale - A Fanatic Heart

Ok. I got my BIG glass of red wine. I am doing this in front of my parents while they are watching Miss Marple (great family bonding moment with them, mostly from my dad, chuckling at my rage of watching this show) and I am watching Teen Drama with British teenagers. Let's. Do. This.

Bloom: *gasp* I'm special? Me: What, you want a dog treat next?

Ok, it was really funny that Rosalind's next line was "you wanna learn a new trick?"

Ruh, roh! Whoopsie poodles!

I just wanna say that we have had NO INFORMATION about Rosalind, other than she maybe is a master manipulator, but BY GOD IS SHE NONTHREATENING! I keep thinking that she will knit Bloom socks as soon as she gets free. Maybe it was on purpose, but even the way that she acts is so nonthreatening, EVEN WHEN SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MENACING!

Even when I am in a WELL LIT ROOM, I can't see shit!

Terra's dad: *goes over the list of every bad thing Terra, Musa and Stella has done in the past half hour, including releasing Rosalind* Me: Well technically, Bloom is the one who released Rosalind...

BUT YOU STILL BROKE INTO THE HEADMISTRESS'S OFFICE AND BROKE THROUGH HER SECRET TUNNEL! YOU STILL HELPED BLOOM WITH RELEASING BEATRIX AND ROSALIND! DON'T YOU DARE PUT YOUR IDIOCY AS YOUR MAIN EXCUSE!!!!

Ah, hello escape ex machina. AKA the guy THAT CAN WALK THROUGH WALLS!

Ok, hands down, Aisha is the only good character in this show. She can see through this BULLSHIT LOGIC!!!

I keep thinking that she brought Bloom here to get her a butterscotch.

"Blood Witches" Aseduan is here??? (The Witchlands book series for those who are curious about me reference)

And also, OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! We have witches! ARGH!!!!!!!

*sigh* After following her order she left when you were a baby to "find me", releasing her from a magical coma, following her through a secret passage way out, getting to the stone circle with her to learn just how "special" and a good girl you are, YOU ARE JUST NOW FIGURING THAT OUT????!!!!

And no mention or hurt from Sky THAT SHE DRUGGED HIM AND LEFT HIM ALONE!!!!

(I am not wasting space on my pc for this screenshot) Dane: Beatrix cares about you Riv. Me: *pretentious scoff*

Oh, sorry, he is ONLY NOW MENTIONING IT! Also you see how I CAN'T SEE SHIT! Bloom is RIGHT BESIDE HIM! ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SCREEN!

Can you imagine being the Head Grip on this show when they were shooting? HG: Director dude, we need more lights if the audience have any chance of seeing anything in this scene, other than those random background character running with flashlights. Director: No, you don't understand, we NEED that cool ass globe with the moving ocean we showed in the very first episode! It is essential to this story!

Because I can't scream right now in front of my parents:

Sums up the entire problem I have with this episode.

That was the most PATHETIC MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH IN TV HISTORY!

I would forgive this show just a tiny bit if Dowling just yeets Bloom at the Burned Ones just so they can satisfy their Bloom murder boner they have for some reason.

Apparently, according to Dowling, (in this final episode btws), water fairies are good at leadership and control.

Is this going to be the first teen drama TV show ever to have an M/M/F relationship? (I am not going on a google hunt to find out)

If Beatrix was on Rosalind's side since the beginning, WHO THE HELL WAS THIS "HE" THAT THEY MENTIONED IN THE SECOND EPISODE?????!!!!?!?!?!!

I have been constantly rolling my eyes this past minute, and I need a break.

Why the fuck should I remember Doris, AND WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE?

Again, I have heard little to NOTHING bout Sky's dada, we have only learned his name IN EPISODE 5! WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE THAT SILVA KILLED HIM! Oh, god. I get it now. *sigh*

ONLY 26 AND A HALF MINUTES LEFT?

I am absolutely livid

Me: *all of a sudden punches a pillow* My dad: Why are you forcing yourself to watch this? Me: You don't understand, I have watched and reviewed those last five episodes, I only have 23 minutes left. I HAVE to finish this, even though I only get a couple of likes for this.

Ok, I get why Aisha is there, BUT WHY STELLA?! Also sorry for screenshot every 2 minutes, BUT GOD!

PFFT- OH MY GOD! ARE THEY ACTUALLY TRYING FOR A TRANSFORMATION SCENE RIGHT NOW?!?!??!?! PFFT-HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHA!!!!

Ah, thank you,*wipes eyes* I needed that laugh after all that anger I felt this episode.

THANK YOU FOR GIVING MY SOME ANSWERS IN YOUR SEASON 2 BAITING!

Bloom destroys the Burned 1s after the most ridiculous fight scene/transformation scene and leaves her weak and her "friends" are now tucking her into her bed, what's next a bed time story?

And straight back into numbness...*sigh*

??????

Weirdest. Teen angst scene. Ever.

15 minutes left of this episode and the "final fight" is already over... I guess it is time for predictable season 2 baiting...*sigh*

I hate this "forgiveness and hindsight" scene with Bloom and Dowling with all my being.

"While I plan on revealing that your real daughter died and I have been a changeling and you there is a really good chance that you might kick me out and disown me and even physically hurt me?"

10 more minutes and there have already been 3 pop songs these past 10 minutes.

are you fucking kidding me? THE WHOLE SCENE WITH HER TELLING HER PARENTS THE TRUTH IS IN A FUCKING MONTAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't care if there is an after credit scene, as soon as I see any name pop out on the screen I am OUT!

Great, 8 and a half minutes of Season 2 baiting

Surprize motherfucker! Also OH. MY. GOD!

I want to throw something

Oh my God, Beatrix's dad AKA "HIM" is Andreas (Sky's dad)*groan* (I predicted it literally 1 second before it was revealed)

Did...did Dowling just die... huh...

YEET!

Stay tuned for either tomorrow or Sunday for my thoughts on this show, because there are some elephants that I did not go into because I didn’t want this to be a long post (ironic right?), like for example: The whole modernization and the Burned 1s, the awful wardrobe and many more. The future post will be more of a cohesive review other than this live reaction series.

#fate the winx saga #live action winx #winx club #live reaction series #jesus christ it was hard to get through this #EVEN WITH THE ALCOHOL!!

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culturalgutter · 6 years

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We really should have had a mystery series featuring a sensible lesbian couple by now. Something like two Miss Marples sharing a sensible home and sensibly solving extremely–some might even say overly–complicated murders together. One wakes the other up when she turns on the nightstand lamp to do a crossword puzzle, her favorite occupation when she is trying to crack a case. It helps her think. There should have been something based on a series of books written in the 1920s and 1930s, just after the War–either one. It should have been written by female author with three names and set in a quaint village outside London, the kind of village with many corpses in the shrubbery. Or maybe set in the city, with someone like Miss Fisher, but including the women she has had affairs with. Her dressing table or mantle featuring suggestive photos of the detective on holiday in Malta or visiting Paris with Josephine Baker, Marlene Dietrich, Anna May Wong, Djuna Barnes and even, possibly, Garbo herself. Our detective’s tux would be divinely tailored.

Yes, we could have them now, a retro 1930s correcting the oversights of the past. But we should have already had these drawing room mysteries long ago. They should have played on Masterpiece Theater, A&E and the various BBCs. They should be so prevalent that there are Sesame Street parodies teaching children how to count or the letter “L” or the word “sensible.” Old mystery and film fans should patronizingly explain to us that Zasu Pitts or Theresa Harris, Margaret Rutherford or Maude Eburne, in fact, performed in the first film versions of these films back in the day. “The earliest performance of this character dates back to Sarah Bernhard,” a random pedant would interject*.

The realized this terrible loss in the very same moment I saw it almost presented to me in Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate (1971) and its spin-off series, The Snoop Sisters. The Snoop Sisters ran as part of NBC’s Mystery Movie from 1972 to 1974. Though it stars two sisters, aunts to a police officer, I think it will get hard to read them as anything but a married couple in the future. I discovered The Snoop Sisters while watching old, made-for-tv mysteries and thrillers with the Gutter’s own Beth Watkins. We watched one where Barbara Stanwyck’s house is probably possessed and another where someone is trying to drive her mad. One where a theater troop re-enacts a murder to get a confession. One where Shelley Winters’ passion for Debbie Reynolds gets the best of her, demonstrating that there is something very much the matter with Helen. Another called, A Very Missing Person (1972) in which Eve Arden plays Hildegard Withers, a character who was variously played by ZaSu Pitts, Edna May Oliver and Helen Broderick in a series of 1930s films based on the novels of Stuart Palmer**. Ms. Withers is an ex-schoolteacher with an intriguing taste in hats and another good candidate for sensible lesbian detective. And we watched Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate. Helen Hayes, Mildred Natwick, Myrna Loy and Sylvia Sydney. They are retired women who occupy their time with luncheons, amazing outfits and creating the profile of a much younger woman for a computer dating service. Unfortunately for them, their profile attract a serial killer. Unfortunately for him, these ladies have moxie. Watching the movie, I realized that I would love to see these women solve a mystery every week. Apparently someone at NBC felt the same, because while the movie was not picked up as a series, it is somewhat reprised The Snoop Sisters, with Mildred Natwick taking on Myrna Loy’s role as Helen Hayes’ sister. It is the snazziest Mildred Natwick has ever been in a film, as she plays the fashionable Gwendolyn Snoop-Nicholson, “G.” for short. It is one of the only times I can think of that Mildred Natwick has outdressed nearly everyone else on the screen. Helen Hayes plays mystery novelist, Ernesta Snoop. And now both are instigators.

The Snoop Sisters has the things people like in 1970s made-for-tv mysteries—women in their 60s and 70s, magicians, Roddy McDowell, switcheroos and twists. The Snoops solve mysteries, scoop the police—led by their own nephew Lt. Steven Ostrowski—and charmingly prove what everyone thinks is happening is not what’s happening at all. Except, that yes, Alice Cooper is happening, and so is a fist fight between Vincent Price and Roddy McDowell. Also, classic film star Joan Blondell is a medium, Bernie Casey wears pants no one should be able to successfully look handsome in and Steve Allen hosts Ernesta Snoop on his television program. There are so many outfits—fantastically printed caftans and ties; wide lapels; loudly patterned suits; sweaters with ring pulls. And there is a lot of decor—including Gloria Hendry’s amazing octagonal waterbed.

Sadly, there were only five episodes produced, but fortunately they have been collected in a dvd set.In “The Female Instinct,” the Snoops solve the murder of an old Hollywood icon Norma Treet (Paulette Goddard) while Barney tries and fails to keep them out of trouble. There is a sweet screening of one of Goddard’s films, The Ghost Breakers (1940), presented as one of Treet’s. Their nephew***, police Lt. Steven Ostrowski (Lawrence Pressman) as their nephew, Lt. Ostrowski sets Barney, a retired cop played by Art Carney, to keep the ladies out of trouble. But no one, not even Art Carney—an Art Carney who does a stunt—can stop the Snoops from doing what they want to do. And they want to write mysteries, solve mysteries, meet amazing people, and disguise themselves as anything from “stuffed animal fluffers” to exterminators and a bowling team.

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And they wear amazing outfits. G.’s wardrobe is very much from the 1970s, including a beautiful coat I covet. Ernesta’s much more turn of the Twentieth Century. I will also note that Ernesta is butch, but hers is a butchness leaning towards Gertrude Stein but with a fondness for ridiculously feathered hats. It’s from a when wearing a certain cut of jacket was more meaningful in gender coding than wearing a skirt. In this case, most of Ernesta’s skirt suits are “mannish” in the parlance of the thirties and forties. And I am pretty sure she is straight up wearing men’s or boy’s gray striped flannel pajamas.

My favorite part is the peek into Ernesta’s creative process as she works on a book while G. takes dictation.

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We also get another glimpse of their home life as Ernesta works on her embroidery in bed and Mildred asks to borrow her liniment, after a close call with a potential assassin required that they both run.

By the second episode, “Corpse and Robbers,” there have been some changes. Now Bert Convy plays Steven. And rather than a retired cop, Barney is now a paroled convict doing the lieutenant a favor by watching his aunts. Played by Lou Antonio, Barney is also twenty or thirty years younger than the Snoops and too hobbled by his respect for their ladyness to come close to contending with them. In the episode, Ernesta tries to discover what happened to her dear old friend, and toy-making genius, Franklin Birdwell (Liam Dunn). Ernesta also hopes to prove that she is not imagining that he has called her. The Snoops disguise themselves as “stuffed animal fluffers” to infiltrate a toy factory that specializes in toy dogs that bark and wag their tails, Winnie the Pooh stuffies, and giant devil masks. I assume the factor is one of the Joker’s old hideouts and, in its off hours, the site of many a giallo murder.**** Ernesta and G. also go jogging in knit outfits.

Their activewear.

In “Death Is A Free Throw,” we discover many interesting things, such as that G. is a basketball fan and that their Lincoln limosine’s license plate just happens to be 473 FEM. Oh, and as Ernesta and G. defend a man who has come flying out of the green room for the Steve Allen show, “We warn you, Mr. Bates, we know kung fu.”

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Fortunately, fisticuffs prove unnecessary and the Snoops quickly befriend basketball great, Willie Bates (Bernie Casey). Willie wears some amazing outfits that only Bernie Casey could make it seem like a good idea for anyone else to wear. I mean, some other people could look handsome in them, but, seriously, don’t think you could because he could. Meanwhile, everyone has stomach trouble and G. becomes a suspect.

“The Devil Made Me Do It!” might contain the most wonders per hour. The Snoops find themselves the target of a Satanic coven that would very much like its ancient relic back, thank you. Classic film bombshell Joan Blondell appears as a medium, Madame Mimi. And Alice Cooper not only appears as a witch, but sings a song to a very interesting audience at the Frou Frou Club.

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But my favorite character is the Honorable Morlock (Cyril Ritchard), the proprietor of an occult shop who specializes in providing New York’s covens with human skulls, in any size and painted in any color you might like. He assures us that Henry Ford had the right idea in only offering one model of car in one color. He blames the government for the rapacious frog bone suppliers. He wears a wig, red eye shadow and stunning ritual magick robes. (The Honorable Morlock definitely spells magic with a K and probably deplores the confusion of stage magic with the Art). And he speaks in rhyming couplets whenever he can. When Barney asks how the Honorable Morlock knows he has a bad back, he declaims: “Lucifer, give me strength! Do you think you’re dealing with kids? Because I’m a pro—that’s how I know!”

He’s a pro!

And if The Snoop Sisters had to go out, at least it went out with an episode featuring both Roddy McDowell and Vincent Price. The episode begins gloriously with Ernesta and G. cosplaying that most romantic of classic horror couples, Frankenstein and the Bride****. Ernest is the creature, of course. And Mildred Natwick makes a remarkably elegant Bride. They are dressed up to attend the Michael Bastion Film Festival, a revival of classic horror films. We see among the attendees people dressed as vampires, a werewolf, the Metaluna Mutant and a mummy. That’s right, G. is a horror fan. She’s seen all of Bastion’s films and is excited to meet Bastion himself. Bastion and his wife arrive in an old hearse. His wife leaves from the passenger side. Muscle men in silver masks pull a coffin out of the hearse, lean it up and open it to reveal Bastion to his adoring fans*****. There is a fun movie-within-a-tv-movie starring Bastion, and, of course, a murder during the screening. Bastion is the accused and the Snoops investigate. Like Price himself, Bastion is a noted gourmet cook and G. distracts Bastion by taking him up on an offer of a gourmet luncheon. There is a very fine drunken-crepe making scene. And Ernesta wears an indescribable golfing outfit. I do not think I am spoiling anything but informing you that there is also a fistfight between Roddy McDowell and Vincent Price. This is obviously an enticement.

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While I willingly admit that the Snoop sisters are, in fact, sisters, no matter how queer coded the relationship and the show seems, The Snoop Sisters does satisfy some of my desire for weird old tv mysteries starring a lesbian couple. Sure we could do something retro now and that would be fun, but it isn’t the same. And it’s a reminder of how much we could have had without prejudices limiting art.

*One must take the good with the bad if one is truly sensible.

**A Very Missing Person also stars Julie Newmar and Pat Morita. Morita plays a hippie, which is so, so worthwhile.

***I will note the long tradition of couples who are coded gay having nieces and nephews. I also suppose that if Steven were Gwendolyn’s son, she would not be considered so free to gallivant around with Ernesta because she would be a Bad Mother somehow to the series perceived audience. Even if Steven’s all grown-up and a police lieutenant now.

***I have been thinking about gialli a lot while watching this made-for-tv mysteries with Beth.

****For my thoughts on calling the creature, “Frankenstein,” and on the poor Bride, please see “The Specter of Frankenstein.”

*****Bastion later arranges to meet someone in the men’s bathroom, but I am resisting the temptation to say anything about that.

Two other queer and queer-ish, made-for-tv movies: The Judge and Jake Wyler starring Bette Davis and Doub McLure; and, What’s The Matter With Helen? starring Debbie Reynolds and Shelley Winters.

~~~

If you need her, Carol Borden will be consulting with the Honorable Morlock.

Snooping Ladies Sensibly Solving Mysteries We really should have had a mystery series featuring a sensible lesbian couple by now. Something like two Miss Marples sharing a sensible home and sensibly solving extremely--some might even say…

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prinzenhasserin · 6 years

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Fandom5K 2018

Dear Writer!

I had so much fun doing this exchange last year, and please don’t feel obligated to use my prompts. This letter is just in case you might want to poke at some more of my likes. Generally, I’m open to a lot, and will be happy with any rating from gen to explicit.

My AO3 account is here. My prompts are pretty ridiculous in places. That’s just how my mind works! Feel free to play them entirely straight, or subvert them to your hearts desire. I’m not so much a fan of darkfic, exceptions apply for hopeful/happy resolutions.

Feel also free to include other characters or OCs as side-characters, if they are necessary because of plot reasons. ❤️

(If this letter cribs a lot from my other letters, it’s because I’m lazy, and my likes don’t change around that much :D You can find some of my other letters under the exchange letter tag. I hope you have fun creating!)

Likes:

loyalty

odd couples!

found family, dysfunctional families that nevertheless love each other

historical stories for same-sex pairings that aren't unhappy but that fit with the society of the time (so like, spinster ladies living together; bachelors-for-life); I also like homophobia-free societies!

cultural differences! age differences! height differences!

heists, rescue missions

character driven narratives

dragons, fairy tales, magical realism, urban fantasy

Space AUs

competent characters

people not realising they’re the most competent at their job/hobby

people failing their way to success

happy endings, earning your happy ending, open yet hopeful endings

cynical humour

mutual pining

everything is better in suits, corsetry, fancy dresses

crossdressing

Identity shenanigans (secret identities, mistaken identities)

Blatant Lies

Enemies becoming friends and/or lovers

outsider POV

epistolary, poetry, unusual narrative formats

orange/blue morality (that is, not entirely human morality); grey/grey morality

non-verbal expressions of affection

Kinks I’m always down for:

wall sex

shifting power dynamics

semi-public sex

lots of foreplay, drawn out orgasms, edging

desperate sex, drunk sex, we-just-can’t-help-it!sex, sex for life-affirming

sex toys

sex toys in public (though I get embarrassed if someone else notices)

DNWs:

infidelity in mentioned pairings

suicide

permanent character death

Yuri!!!on Ice

Pairing: Lilia Baranovskaya/Okukawa Minako

Freeform Tags: Getting Together, Established Relationship, Interpersonal Drama, Smut, Character Development

How do these two know each other? Did they meet when Minako was a shining new ingenue? Did Lilia feel like her position was threatened, or did she teach her replacement? Was Minako perhaps the reason for Lilia/Yakov's divorce, or was she perhaps Lilia's rebound? (I would love if there was a presence of time and place in this, if the characters background would be a strong drive for whatever they are doing, but PWP would be great too)

…they are my favourite pairing coming from Yuri!!! on Ice, because they seem so utterly competent, and have amazing life journeys, and yet they are only hinted at in the series.

I know I don’t want infidelity, except here I wouldn’t mind if Lilia and Yakov are married still (they could be separated, or just in an open relationship, or on their way to get a divorce, too)

Minako seducing an older, more experienced Lilia? Lilia seducing her bright-eyed ingenue

Minako and Lilia competing for the same roles, and admiring each other’s techniques without being able to admit it.

Or, during canon, applying their rivalry indirectly by competing with their skaters?

Les Trois Mousquetaires | The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

Pairing: d’Artagnan/Athos; d’Artagnan/Jussac

Freeforms: Action/Adventure, Getting Together, Canon-Style Plot, AU - Canon Divergence, Fix-it fic

d’Artagnan/Athos

d'Artagnan pays so much attention to Athos, and his many swings of temperament, and he has such a crush on him! It's hard to tell if he wants to be him, or bang him, and I really really want the latter. When Athos says, he's sworn off of women, what he means, he's only interested in men, right? right? that is to say, I'd love canon divergence, where they end up together (and please, with the possibility of longterm happiness) If you want to set this before Milady's appearance, sure! If you want to set this after Milady's appearance, I would love to see the dramatic fallout of Milady flirting with d'Artagnan, or hurt/comfort after Athos kills his wife the second time.

Treville makes them root out the Cardinal’s spies out of his ranks! They have to spend a lot of time close together; or Treville makes them go on duty together, because Athos is very experienced, and that’s not the only thing he’s experienced with ;)

d’Artagnan needs help managing the estate the King grants him, and Athos lends a helping hand

I like a good helping about catholic guilt, but not just specifically about homosexuality.

d’Artagnan/Jussac

Then, there's also Jussac--and their rivalry is set up so well! The longstanding Cardinal's Guard against the new impulsive Musketeer? Perfection. And then Jussac disappears, and it made me so sad. So, rival hate!sex? Are they assigned to protect someone and have to arrange themselves with each other? Are they banding together for a greater enemy? Is one of them blackmailed for their sexuality, and they can only go to the other for help, because nobody is going to believe the gossip they have about the other? I'd prefer if the blackmail doesn't put emphasis on homophobia, just that the sexual behaviour was not socially acceptable.

They are wooing the same mistress. Because of reasons, they have to hide in her closet together, and the only reasonable recourse of action is banging each other.

Foiling an assassination attempt? getting imprisoned together, because they duelled in public?

I'd also be game for a total AU! But please preserve the general fucked up character dynamics, because they are what I like about this canon.

Gokusen (Manga)

Pairing: Sawada Shin/Yamaguchi Kumiko

Freeforms: Canon-Style Plot, Humor, Mystery/Procedural, Smut, Slice of Life

I want to see Yankumi/Shin as a couple so badly--and I would like to see how they interact with the world. Will Shin become a Yakuza member to oppose his father? Will Yankumi be accused of using the highschool as a Yakuza front? Will she still call Shin to come and help her beat up people when he's a fancy lawyer? How will the other groups react to Yamaguchi's boy toy?

How does Shin convince Yankumi to have sex with him? (A wonderful fic I got was with plenty of bad yakuza movies, which :D :D :D but I am always open for more! Maybe Shin speaks to Kumiko’s competitive spirit? Maybe he asks her to spite the police commissioner, by doing it in his house? Maybe there is some heavy kissing because they are trying to escape thugs/police/Kumiko’s students?) Is he getting kidnapped left and right before they actually get together because all and sundry already think they’ve been doing each other for years?

If they are already in an established relationship, how does Shin deal with Yankumi’s students (especially when one of them develops a crush)?

I’d be also super interested to see how other people view their relationship, like Shin’s father, Kumiko’s grandfather, the other yakuza groups, her students– or simply Kumiko and Shin setting out to fight an up-and-coming group of delinquents, rescuing kittens, or Shirokin, from an overzealous school commissioner?

I have no problems about depicting violence, or graphic criminal activities, but please no major crimes involving children.

Crossover Fandom

Pairings: Elle Woods (Legally Blonde)/Cher Horowitz (Clueless); Jane Marple (Miss Marple)/Phryne Fischer (Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries); John Constantine (Hellblazer)/Severus Snape (Harry Potter)

Freeforms: Canon-Style Plot, Mystery/Procedural, Smut

Elle Woods/Cher Horowitz

I imagine them meeting at a charity dinner, wearing the same dress and insisting that the other wears it better. Or through a sorority donation drive, where Elle lets her car get washed by girls in Bikini, and then they start flirting. Or, if you want to use the other Legally Blonde movie--how about Elle Woods running for Senate, and meeting Cher during a workshop for foreign policy? I'd love to see either one of them running for office, too.

I am here for all the tropes: does one of them have an ex who invited them to their wedding, and they really need a date? high school reunion? stranger at a bar?

Also excellent would be: Elle does criminal law, Cher is in charity work, and they need to solve this embezzlement case.

But I’m also here for the porn, because that would also be amazing. Or like, buying a house together. Getting married. Deciding to adopt a puppy together.

Jane Marple/Phryne Fisher

Do they meet during the war? We know Phryne was an ambulance driver, but maybe Jane's code division was a euphemism for spy work, and Phryne has to get her across enemy terrain? Would also love a story later in their lives, where they visit each other to solve murders and gossip about life.

teaming up to solve a murder!

teaming up to drive a poor inspector up the wall

teaming up during the war, codebreaking! and seeking comfort with each other

they went to girl’s school together, and now have to relive old glory days!

definitely here for Phryne and Jane being each other’s lesbian experience

John Constantine/Severus Snape

It's a pairing with everything I ever wanted: So much inferiority complex wrapped in a shabby facade with too much bravado and not enough sense of when to back down, and they're both such delightful fuck-ups and it's glorious. I mean, this is definitely not the first evil person who John Constantine wanted to fuck, and it's nice that he sometimes helps out with the more structured magic. AU's are great, as long as they both keep their magic, and their general personality. Would also read a Severus-Snape-Lives!AU in which he's resurrected because the devil didn't want him, or whatever, or he goes to the US to hide with a more Legends of Tomorrow!Constantine. Basically, anything is good.

they’d be so glorious together! I’m here for all the fucked-up-ness this pairing can generate

hatesex? sex pollen? :D i hate repeating myself, but really, anything would be great; I’d love a AU in which John convinces Severus to not join the death eaters because they are all wankers anyway

or a AU in which Severus survives and joins John on madcap adventures trying to survive eldritchs horrors

or like, a one-night-stand that ends in Severus hearing the prophecy and defecting from Lord Voldemort

also, I’d love if they’d bonded up over their chavness, or something. really, anything would be great

Original Work

Freeforms: Smut, Getting Together, Mystery/Procedural, Action/Adventure, Humor

17th Century French King's Male Musketeer/17th Century French Cardinal's Male Guard

The Musketeer/Cardinal’s Guard request comes from my love of 'enemies to lovers' and 'love across enemy lines'. The real life feud between the two corps is a great premise for this! I'm more interested in the adventures they have. How do they resolve it? Do they end up getting new jobs, or succeed in ending the feud, or forever pretend to hate each other?

(See also my prompts for d’Artagnan/Jussac for a more specific pairing of this dynamic!)

Some interesting prompts:

The King requests that they work together to... guard a diplomat? foil an assassination? root out some bandits?

They start wooing the same woman, but then it turns into some strange kind of one-up-manship, and then it turns into gay chicken, and then it turns into a proper relationship and when they retire they get a cottage in the woods somewhere

they hunt down the thief who stole the King’s jewels and happen to get into a storm. Luckily, there’s an inn not far from where they are, but when they get there, there’s only one bed...

Art Thief/Museum Curator

This is also an excellent request for enemies to lovers! Do they meet during a casing of the joint, all the while the museum curator thinks the art thief is just a normal art appreciator? Or the Thief becomes an art thief because the museum curator is bemoaning that more and more of the art disappears into private collections far away from the public eye?

I’m here for all the identity shenanigans! maybe the curator realises their new lover is a thief, and they deliberately talk about paintings that they’d like to see, and fake incredulity when they’re suddenly rediscovered?

fake dating that turns into real feelings?

I have no preference for gender combination! I’d love this dynamic absolutely anywhere, anytime. Singapore 2018? Paris 1940? New York 1920? Set in space?

Or like, the museum curator finds them in the act of stealing, and is more upset about how they keep handling the priceless art than the actual stealing (it belongs to the jerkass major who cut funding for the arts, you see)

Master Thief/Put Upon Art Restorer Just Trying To Do Their Job FFS Steal This One Next Week

Basically, the same prompts as above apply! I’m very interested in this rivalry! How does it play out? Does the Thief only steal sanctioned paintings? Does the art restorer understand what kind of power they have?

Is the Thief trying to slowly seduce the art restorer by getting them “new” paintings to restore, and the art restorer is just... very done with this.

perhaps the thief keeps faking these very elaborate paintings, and aging them with all sorts of techniques, and the art restorer is just, like “why would you do this to art?”

Female Mobster/Woman Who Is Running Their Front As A Legitimate Business

I love the dynamic of scary person/person who is not afraid to talk shit about them -- and I can see the endless conflict there could be between the two of them. What is this Front? A restaurant? An orphanage? A charity organisation? Either one would be great, and need a lot of know-how, and the female Mobster can just suck it up and keep hauling in the crates, because they need this, dammit.

One gets kidnapped by rivals, and the other has to go in to save her

the mobster was just looking for someone to run the front-- they don’t need it to make any profit, since it’s just a front, but now it’s evolving into an actual business conglomerate, and all thanks to one woman--success is very attractive

Selkie Pirate Captain

Look, okay, I love Age of Sail, and I love fairytales. I just think the adventures of a pirate captain selkie could be super interesting!

Do they fret about the crew finding out about their secret? I’m very into found family tropes, and it would be very interesting to see how the crew reacts to the reveal. Perhaps they’ve known all along? And tried to protect their captain to the best of their abilities?

The best thing about selkie captains is that they are resistant to sirens, and they can always find the way home, in every storm

I’d read about them going treasure hunting! Or perhaps captain is after a Great White Whale and their life’s mission is to see it dead

would also read a shipfic! (heh)

#exchange letter #fandom5k letter

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creativitytoexplore · 4 years

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My Deal With The You Know Who by Lawrence Martin https://ift.tt/2OJnN6Y A successful author longs for some musical talent, and is prepared to sacrifice his very soul; by Lawrence Martin.

I entered Jake's Deli on Cleveland's west side and, as instructed, took a seat in one of the booths. The waitress came over and I told her I was waiting for someone, and we would order together. A minute later he walked in. From a distance, he seemed to be just another guy coming from the parking lot. Though we had never met, he seemed to recognize me right away. He walked straight to the booth, sat opposite me. "Hello," he said, in a deep baritone voice that sounded affected. I was still skeptical at that point. We shook hands. His hand felt cool, almost clammy, and his grip quite strong. "Hi," I said, rather meekly. "Why did you choose Jake's Deli for this meeting?" "They have great pastrami, of course. Good enough reason." I searched for some sign of his identity and think I found it in his face. The angles were sharper, more unnatural-looking, and his eyes were deeper into the sockets than normal, as if he was made up for some horror movie. He wore a felt hat and I am certain there were two protrusions, one on either side of his head, poking up the felt. This was no imposter, or if so, a very good one. Our waitress returned and didn't look twice at the new arrival. "What'll it be?" she asked, after depositing two waters. He ordered pastrami on rye. I ordered lox and a bagel. "Are you paying?" I asked, sort of joking. "Yes. You'll pay later." He was not joking. I cleared my throat. "So," he said, in a somewhat haughty manner, "what exactly do you want?" "To play the piano. Well." "You play now, but not well?" "Hardly. I am a beginner. An adult beginner. Still at level one. In fact, my current instruction book says it's written for seven- and eight-year olds." "Ummm," he said, suggesting some interest. "And how old are you?" "Just turned fifty-five." "And playing for how long?" "Lessons for a year. No prior musical experience." "But you're an accomplished writer," he said. "Thank you. How do you know that?" "Ah, Howard Greenleaf, New York Times best-selling author. Murder mysteries, private-detective thrillers, I believe the genre is. Yes, I read the papers. In fact I read everything that's printed anywhere, every day. I focus on the obituaries, I must admit." "Funny." "Death is not funny, my friend. That's my business." "I am aware," I said. "Just what level of piano playing do you wish to achieve?" "A higher level," I replied. "Much higher. To play classical. Beethoven, Rachmaninoff." "Impressive," he said. "Ludwig, I had nothing to do with, a true non-believer. But of Sergei I am familiar. Almost had him, but in the end he changed his mind. Brilliant composer, pianist. This will take some doing." "And to play like Barenboim." "Ah, a true prodigy. You ask a lot." "I wouldn't ask if you couldn't deliver. Just tell me the terms." "The usual. Your soul, plus." "Plus? Plus what?" "A time limit. I am patient but there are limits." "I won't accept an early death, before I can enjoy the fruits of my new talent. We must agree on that date, and you must honor it." "Of course. I honor all my promises. That's more than you can say for the other fellow." "I don't want you to pull a Robert Johnson on me." "Ah, poor man. He couldn't keep his hands off another's wife. Such talent. Only after he met me at the Crossroads, of course." Quicker than expected, the food arrived. It looked delicious, and I felt hungry. We both began eating. "Best pastrami in your town," he said. "So, how much time would I have to enjoy my new talent?" "This change will be a lot of work," he said. "First you must sustain some brain trauma, which I can arrange. Nothing serious, but it must be a medical event, or you will not be believed. There are many cases of sudden musical genius following head injury, so that will give you some cover. It also makes my job easier. Then, I think a decade would be fair." "Just ten years? I die at sixty-five?" "Mozart died at thirty-five, and I had nothing to do with that." "That was over two hundred years ago," I protest. "Just a minute ago, in my book." "Yes, but he had a head start. Even with his early death, a thirty-year career. How about fifteen years? I could live with that." What an ironic statement, I realized. After a brief pause while eating, he said, "I can do fifteen, with a caveat." "Which is?" "To the extent you are successful in your new career, you are unsuccessful in your current one." "You mean as a writer?" "As a writer." "Okay, I can handle that. Writing's a chore anyway. And my agent is a pain in the ass. The publisher's no bargain either. They want my books, which are all best sellers, and they only give me fifteen percent. I've even thought of self-publishing. Everyone wants to nickel and dime you. Hey, wait a minute? What will I do for income? My wife doesn't work." "People are always worried about the minor details," he said. "You'll still receive book royalties, at least for a while. At some point you may find your thrillers, shall we say, out of style. But you can make it with your music, that's how good you will become. Though I have a disclaimer, which I give to all talent seekers." "Talent seekers. You make it sound like a category." "It is. One of my largest. Second only to those seeking sudden wealth." "All right, I'm listening." "I will give you the talent. I will not control what you do with it. How you handle the notoriety, how it affects your personal life, will be up to you. Handle things poorly and you may come begging for less time than the allotted fifteen years. I've seen that happen before." "Fair enough. I understand. Say, what exactly does it mean to give up one's soul?" He looked hard at me, took one last bite of his pastrami and said, "Trade secret." Then he let out an eerie-sounding laugh that sent a chill down my spine. I looked around and no one seemed to notice. Perhaps only I heard it. "Do we have a deal?" he asked. I was desperate. Tired of playing Mary Had a Little Lamb, London Bridge and Alouette like a kid still wetting his pants. Tired of struggling through the F and G scales with both hands, while trying to memorize their numerous chords and inversions. At my rate of progress, I would be able to play Beethoven's Für Elise in another fifty years. "Yes!" "Then we shake hands," he said, "and there is no turning back." We shook hands. He took out a $50 bill from some pocket, placed it beside his empty dish and walked out of the deli.

"Call 911!" I heard someone yell, just outside Jake's Deli. "I think he's alive." Of course I was alive. A Toyota Prius had just come over the curb, aiming right at me. Were it not for the light post between us, I would not be what the bystander said. The car wrapped around the post, hit me broadside. I fell to the pavement and conked my head. I saw stars and darkness but could hear. Minutes later I lay in Memorial Hospital's Emergency Department. Then came the CT scan, the elevator ride to the neuro ICU, the endless stream of doctors, and explanations. "A severe concussion, small subdural hematoma, he'll recover. He's lucky. No loss of motor function." That's good, I thought. Wow! So quick. Didn't expect it. I began thinking of the keyboard. Do I know anything? The C-major scale, what is it? C-D-E-F-G-A-B-C. Good. I still know something. Probably no more than before. They released me from the hospital three days later. Cynthia, my wife, drove me home. Our one son had visited me in the hospital and, assured of my full recovery, was back in college, a thousand miles away. "Do you want to lie down?" she asked, as soon as we entered the house. "No, I want to play the piano." "Really? When is your next lesson?" "I have to call to reschedule." "Well, I hope you haven't forgot everything," she said. Cynthia went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. I sat at my Yamaha 650DX electronic keyboard and pressed the 'on' button. Played the C scale, then the F scale and G scales. Nothing different! No more fluidity than before. Same hesitancy. I wanted to cry. I opened up the piano book, Level 1, to London Bridge. Right hand treble clef, left hand base clef. I could read the simple notes, as before.

London Bridge is Falling Down

I began playing, and humming. 'London Bridge is falling down, falling down'. "Sounds good, honey," Cynthia called out from the kitchen. I decided to go faster. And faster. She came in to the living room. "When did you start playing so fast?" she said. "I don't think you missed a note." "Really? I don't know. Just tried it faster." Could it be? I went to another piano book, with more complicated songs. Must be careful, I thought. Didn't want to alarm her. I put on earphones, so only I could hear the notes, and opened to Scarborough Fair. Always had trouble with that one. I zipped through it effortlessly. Not possible! Can't be. I did it again. I ran to my computer, printed out Für Elise, Beethoven's simplest melody, a piece any conservatory student could do half-awake but was forever beyond my reach. So many sixteenth notes! Impossible.

Für Elise - Beethoven

Zip! No problem. Before the accident I could read and tap out the notes but never play them with any hint of musicality. Cynthia put a hand on my shoulder. "What are you doing with the earphones?" "I don't want to bother you," I replied and continued playing the tune. "You're not bothering me. I'm glad you can still play. Who knows what that injury could have done to you?"

With some trepidation I went for my next lesson, in the home of Mrs. Esther Marples. She is a nice middle-aged woman, always patient with my piano klutziness. I didn't know how she would adjust to what I could now do. Did she even teach at the higher levels? Most of her pupils were kids. "I heard about your accident," she said. "I'm happy you seem fully recovered. Have you had a chance to practice?" "Yes, and I've tried something a little harder." "Oh? Let me hear it." She expected to hear something from the Level 1 book, but instead I removed from my folder the Beethoven sheet music, and placed it on the piano. "Für Elise? Really? My, you are ambitious." I begin playing. Flawlessly. She let me finish, then said, "That was nice." "Thank you." Her smile then turned to a frown. "But that is not you. I've worked with you for some time, I know what you can and cannot do. Have you been hiding this from me?" "No, honestly, after the accident..." "Accidents don't make people better players," she said. "I don't understand. Why have you come here week after week, struggling with the notes, if you can really play like that? Here, play Alouette for me. That is so ingrained in my mind, I know how you handle it." I could not fake my old way. I played like a virtuoso. She closed the piano book and stood up. "Howard, I cannot instruct you. Something strange is going on, some type of change that is beyond me. I have no experience with pupils like you. I suggest, no really, I insist you find another instructor." We were cordial. I thanked her and insisted she take the check I had in my pocket. I did not ask for the name of another instructor. If I was to find another, I would prefer they not know each other.

I needed validation and did find an instructor in a distant suburb, a highly recommended professional pianist. I used an alias: Howard McGuffin. I felt thankful my fame as a writer was by name only, unlike, say, a movie star whose face anyone might recognize. I explained my playing history as starting in childhood, and that I worked as an accountant. Under this guise I progressed rapidly, and was playing Mozart and Beethoven sonatas in less than a year. My instructor said I should qualify for Juilliard except for my age, and asked if I'd ever performed in public. I said no, I didn't want to. He said I had to give a recital, and that until one performs in public, one never knows if they have the stuff to be a good pianist. He would program me into his next one, a semiannual event for his most advanced pupils. The recital - a local for-charity concert - took place in the community's high school. I was the oldest performer, but there were several young adults and the rest teenagers. All quite talented, I must say. The event sold out. I played a Mozart sonata: sixteenth and thirty-second notes! Here's a few of the opening measures.

Mozart: Sonata No 3

Someone recognized me, and afterwards a suburban newspaper reporter sought me out. I could not lie. Yes, I play under the name McGuffin. Yes, I wrote under Howard Greenleaf. Yes, that Howard Greenleaf. The next day, in the suburban newspaper, the headline read: Once-famous author debuts at recital under alias. Then the sub-headline: Developed sudden talent after hit by car. The "once-famous" hurt. I had done no writing since the accident, held no book signings and given no interviews. I was beneath the literary radar. Worse, my last manuscript, submitted just before the accident, had been rejected by the publisher because "it's too much a copycat to your previous book." The editor had suggested a rewrite, which of course I could not do: too busy practicing. Actually, that's only partly true. I did try to rewrite one chapter and but had no interest in finishing it. No, that's not true either. I didn't know how to do it. I had lost my writing skill and my desire. As predicted. It was now music or... senility. Book sales fell off and my income plummeted. Fortunately, the recital proved a success and I was approached to do piano gigs. The first and best offer came from an unexpected source: Majestic Cruise Lines. They were looking for a no-name but accomplished pianist to play in one of their ship's lounges, short classical pieces preferred. Their clientele were the ultra-rich and ultra-sophisticated. Free room and board for two weeks, for Cynthia and me, and a stipend of one grand to boot. I jumped at the chance. The route included several ports of Asia. The cruise was exhilarating. I only had to play two hours a day, so we were able to enjoy most of the sights and shipboard activities like everyone else. Mid-cruise, while alone on the deck looking out over the Pacific, I heard that same deep baritone voice from Jake's Deli. "Enjoying yourself?" I turned and faced him. "What the hell are you doing here?" "Ah, Howard, watch your language, please." "I have many more years to go." "Of course, of course. Just checking up. It's our first anniversary. Just making sure everything is working as promised. I have delivered, have I not?" "Yes, now let me be, please. I want to enjoy this trip." "As you wish," he said, and then disappeared. Not literally - he just walked through the revolving glass door leading to the starboard cabins. Strange, though, I never saw him on the ship again. As luck would have it, one of the ship's passengers was a professor from Oberlin Conservatory of Music, only forty-five miles from our home. This professor taught music theory and played piano himself, but did not perform professionally. He came up to me one evening, praised my playing and offered some unexpected insight. "You are very good," he said, "but if I had to guess, I would say you came to the piano late in life, probably in your twenties." "Oh? Why is that?" "I can tell. There is a difference between prodigies who start as kids, and those rare adults who learn to play well after full maturity. Tell me if I am wrong." I wanted to tell him 'age fifty-five', but knew he wouldn't believe me. "You are correct," I said. "Started in my late twenties." "Ah, so. Once you start late, it is very difficult to acquire the skills of someone who started at five or six or seven. I believe Barenboim was six. Mozart only four." I knew he spoke the truth. And despite my new-found ability, its limitations pained me. He must have seen the pain in my face. "I can help you," he offered. "I think you should come to Oberlin, let me work with you to see if there isn't some room for improvement. Just a suggestion, nothing guaranteed. If you commit, there will be no fee. You will be part of my research." I agreed instantly. Was it just a coincidence that this professor taught near the very city in which we lived? Later, in our cabin, Cynthia had some doubts. "Are you going to commute? It's over an hour from our home, more if there's a lot of traffic. And what about your gigs?" she asked, concerned about our plummeting income. "I can still do gigs but not as many. Maybe I can stay in Oberlin during part of the week, come home on weekends." We agreed I should give it a try. I stayed in Oberlin Monday through Thursday, and came home for long weekends. The professor secured a dorm room for me, as a hotel was too expensive. One night, alone in bed and lonely, I called home but Cynthia did not answer. I called her cell and got a voice message. Where could she be at 10pm on a Tuesday night? Obviously a concert or something, but I got worried. No, really, I got suspicious, so I drove home right then, arriving around 11:30. She was not home. She returned to the house at midnight and was shocked to find me waiting. At first, she feigned disbelief that I would question her, but then she cried. Yes, she was with another man, she admitted. "I'm lonely," she said. "It's got to either be me or the piano." Then I remembered the conversation in Jake's Deli. How you handle the notoriety, how it affects your personal life, will be up to you. I had no notoriety, but my personal life was suffering by devotion to the art. I did not want to risk losing Cynthia. That had not been part of the bargain and did not have to happen. And I had no intention of giving up the piano. I professed my love for her, vowed not to let her transgression interfere with our relationship (though I did think of killing the guy), and in the end convinced her we should sell the house and move to Oberlin. With the money from the sale we could easily live in an apartment, and she could enroll in college courses she'd always thought of taking, mainly art history. And so we sold the house and relocated. The professor turned out to be something of a taskmaster, determined to prove that late starters could learn to play as if they had begun in childhood. I was the oldest adult player in his research project. Somehow I managed to avoid discussing my "early years" of playing since, of course, they didn't exist. Later, he did hear that I became a pianist only after a car accident, at age fifty-five, but I don't think he ever believed it. In any case, it never became an issue. The important thing is that, under his tutelage I played better and better, until one day he asked me to perform with the Oberlin Symphony. The fiend had delivered on his promise. I knew the day of reckoning would come, and I'd have to deliver on mine, but tried not to think about it. Time passed and I became somewhat famous on the second-tier concert market. After Oberlin I played with the Toledo Symphony, then had gigs with orchestras in Columbus, Louisville, Indianapolis and Little Rock. I played mostly the easier piano concertos. Before my accident, these concertos would have been unthinkable. Now I must fast forward. Life was good until it wasn't. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent surgery that curtailed my performing career for several months. The doctors were optimistic but I was less so. How could I live fifteen years if my life was cut short by cancer? After all, we had a bargain. He showed up in the hospital the day after my operation. "Just want you to know, I had nothing to do with this," he said. "What?" I was incredulous he would make an appearance at this time and disclaim responsibility. "I get you at fifteen," he said. "Sooner if the other fellow chooses to interfere. So don't blame me." As if he had a conscience. "I don't blame you," I said. "Just make sure my talent isn't affected. It damn well better not be." He smiled and then, as he is wont to do, exited quickly, without another word. I did recover, and my talent wasn't affected. Still, I was living from day to day, always practicing but never making enough to get by comfortably. Meanwhile, I concentrated on Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5, the magnificent Emperor - my ultimate goal. Anyone who can play the Fifth has arrived. The years went by, and I won't bore you with the life of a second-tier concert pianist. But Cynthia stayed with me. And never once did I think of ending my bargain earlier than the allotted fifteen years. Nor did I ever wish for the old days of writing bestsellers. I let music be my passion. Then one day I was invited to play with the famed Cleveland Orchestra, in a children's concert at Severance Hall. Their pianist had taken ill, and I was the closest good one around. It also helped that I was available on short notice - one day. The program included brief selections from Mozart and Tchaikovsky. My playing must have impressed, because the conductor asked what I could play at full length with the orchestra. Without thinking, I said "Beethoven's Fifth." "Let's see," he said, and arranged a rehearsal. I passed, and he programmed the piece. But not in Cleveland. In Carnegie Hall, New York City. The Cleveland Orchestra performs there every two years or so, and they were delighted to feature Ohio's "newest musical prodigy," as one trade publication later put it. Cynthia and I traveled to New York two days before the concert. There would be only one rehearsal. I was so involved with preparation that only when we arrived in New York did I realize the concert night was the fifteenth anniversary of my handshake. So the big night came. I scanned the audience and didn't see him. You may not believe me, but I did not feel nervous. I played my heart out and the audience loved it. From the opening multi-octave notes Beethoven wrote in 1811, I was transfixed, transformed, in another world. It was as if I had transcended the stage, the hall, the city, and was no longer of mortal flesh but with Beethoven. Yes, with Beethoven. Forty-one minutes later we were done. A moment of silence, then the audience stood, clapped and cheered. They were, it seemed, rooting for me. Not just for my musical ability but for me. The performance over, the orchestra members began drifting away. Just then a tall man in tuxedo entered from the left wing. He stood out because he wore a bowler hat. Of course I knew it was him but, still elated by the performance, played dumb. "What do you want?" "It is time." "I suppose so," I said, ready to meet my fate. I just didn't think the end would arrive at the very pinnacle of my career, on the threshold of becoming, if not famous, at least financially secure. "However," he said, "I must admit, I was so impressed with your performance tonight, I am truly reluctant to call in the chit at this time." "What?" "If you continue to give performances like that, I am willing to extend the term, with no further conditions." What could I say? He was giving me more time. And no conditions! "I don't have to do anything else?" "It would be a pity to snuff out this talent, and where you would be going, sadly, there are no pianos. Continue to play well, my friend." And with that he left, as abruptly as he had appeared. I felt excited and elated. Now I could continue playing, what I loved and wanted most. By this time I was alone on the stage, with the vast auditorium nearly empty. I walked to the front of the stage, to take one last look at the vast space. Carnegie Hall! Magnificent. Suddenly, all the stage lights came on at once, blinding me. I lost my footing and fell forward, head first. On the way down I heard an eerie, high-pitched laugh - vindictive and horrifying in its meaning. His laugh. I started screaming. "No! No! No! No!" Then everything went blank. I woke up in the ambulance with a severe headache. Oh, not again, I thought. Yes again, only this time to New York's Central Park West Hospital. Same routine as fifteen years ago: exam in the Emergency Department, followed by head CT scan and hospital admission. "You've suffered a concussion, and because you blacked out we need to keep you overnight for observation," said the ED physician. When I reached my private hospital room, there were already messages from the Orchestra's conductor and concertmaster, wishing me well, and stating my performance had been great. The conductor said to call him when fully recovered. Very encouraging. Cynthia did not want to go back to the hotel alone but, being assured by the doctors that I would survive, left the hospital around one in the morning. She was told she could pick me up around noon. So I am now sitting in bed, updating this whole saga on my portable PC. For the record, I am a fast typist. Of course you want to know if I can still play the piano. You're perhaps thinking that with the new head banging I might have lost the ability. Well, I wonder also. I can envision the notes for Beethoven's Fifth in my head, but can I play it? I needed to find out, and just after Cynthia left went searching for a piano. All sizable hospitals offer music therapy and keep a keyboard that can be wheeled to patients' rooms. So I got out of bed and walked to the nurse's station, demanding access "to the hospital's keyboard." I might as well have demanded a double dip butter pecan ice cream cone. The night nurse told me, "It's the middle of the night. Everything is locked up. I'll leave a message for the day shift to see what we can do then. Now get back to bed." Okay, she did say "please". Rebuffed, I have just returned to my room. I want to sleep but can't, still excited by the night's events. What you are reading now I typed at two in the morning in bed, on my laptop computer. What's this? Someone has just wheeled in a portable keyboard! My request was honored. Wait. That someone is a tall male nurse. It's him! Dressed in nurse's garb. I must record everything, not get excited. Will type and save as long as possible. I am typing, he is speaking. He says I asked for the keyboard, here it is, he will be happy to listen. And he has my medicine, he says. "What if I can't play?" I remind him I've suffered a concussion. I want to ask if he pushed me off the stage, but sense the question would serve no purpose. Now I remember his words back at the Hall: If you continue to give performances like that, I am willing to extend the term. "We have a bargain," he says "How did you get in? You're not really a nurse, are you?" "We made a deal," is his reply. "Do you not want to play? Just a few opening measures of Beethoven. That will be fine. Then your medicine." I can say no. I want to say no. I want to go to sleep. But there is the keyboard. There is my salvation. Could the concussion take away fifteen years of musicality? I am curious. I am scared. I am getting out of bed. For the record he is dressed in a nurse's uniform and I see the Central Park West Hospital logo. So a male nurse from this hospital. He won't give his name. He just says to play. I am scared. But I want to see if I can still play. If you don't hear from me again, goodbye.

EXHIBIT 15 Above certified and submitted in toto and without alteration, Case #27633, New York City, NY January 8, 2--- Cynthia Greenleaf, Executrix of the Estate of Howard Greenleaf vs. Central Park West Hospital, in the wrongful death suit of Howard Greenleaf...

#FICTION on the WEB short stories

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