#Killingstalkingfanfic

[coffyao]

it's just a "date" final.

___

"...I thought we were still roleplaying," seungbae said, leaning back into his chair. If he thought about it properly, it technically made sense. He was still playing the role of a woman, he just happened to be more rumbustious than most of them. He wasn't...attracted to seungbae. He looked nice, sure, and he might of smelt like his favourite scent, cedarwood. His clean-shaven look also wasn't half-bad, and he'd grow fond of his daily presence, despite his moodiness. "course, course we are," lee hesitated, turning his head slightly to avoid seungbae's intense eyes. This is just roleplay. roleplay... "It's just going to be more immersive."   "immersive, huh..." seungbae muttered, fixing his gaze towards lee's neck, steadily moving it to his chest, to the inches of his waist-line.

an irritated grin reappears on his face, much like the one's lee has seen before when seungbae was incredibly stressed, but the motive behind it becomes clear when seungbae lunges forward, and their wine glasses nearly topple, their lips dangerously close from touching.

"now, what will you do..." seungbae whispered, his crude intention at the forefront, subtle yet cruelly direct.

there was no room for uncertainty, and that turned lee on.

what will I...

but his indecision is overridden as soon as seungbae pulls back and lee finds himself on the lips of his own colleague, his hands wringing at the collar of his shirt. what happens next overwhelms lee's senses, as their plates and cutlery are knocked over, and he was on top of seungbae's own table. lee yanks his trench-coat off, getting straight into unbuttoning his shirt, as seungbae unbuttons his and once lee's skin was freed, seungbae presses his mouth on lee's nape, suckling it with his tongue.

"haha, slow down a little..." lee said unconvincingly, prompting seungbae to put his arms around lee's thighs, pulling them towards his own groin. 

never mind.

with the heat arising from the agonizing sucks and frictional grinding, he pushed his hand on seungbae's chest.

"I-I'm going to need more than this..."

He might of been on the bottoming side this time around, but he wasn't going to allow himself to say anything too embarrassing. 

seungbae swiftly removed the rest of lee's attire, leaving him bare whilst he unzipped his trouser, pulling out his erection. 

fuck I'm really having sex with a man.

as dread from that realization started to set in, seungbae moved closer, caressing each fingertip along lee's legs, and says, "its okay, right?"

although being courteous might not of been seungbae's forte, he sure knew how to be seductive. 

"...fine. it's fine." lee said, wrapping both of his arms around seungbae's neck.

"I want you to do as you please."

clasping his tight hands between lee's knees, seungbae roughly opened his legs wide, angling his pelvis until his dick pressed against lee's entrance, and he asked again, "...you still want me to?"

"for fuck...yes, yes," lee muttered, inching his waist, trying to abstain himself from not telling seungbae to just fuck him and get it over with. 

"and do it fast."

receiving the go-ahead, seungbae mounts lee's singular leg up on his shoulder and pounds into him, and before lee could anticipate it, pounds into him again in one strong and quick thrust, throwing his head back on how unexpectedly good he just felt, his voice on complete stand-by until seungbae continues his merciless thrusting, each harder than the next.

lee could no longer contain his cool, as his throat draws out in long and guttural groans, and he latches at a tuft of seungbae's hair, pulling it as much as he could.

"d-damn it, thrust harder!" he croaked before letting himself slip into more incomprehensible moans, his head on the verge of exploding as they become intertwined, wet slaps of the skin reminding him that he was at seungbae's mercy, a reckless man who didn't stop until he wanted to.

once the thrusts became too deep, lees body jolted awake, becoming victim to insurmountable waves of pleasure, his eyes rolled back, and feet curled until they hurt. once he came to, seungbae slumped against lee's shoulder, falling victim to the same thing.

__

haphazardly leaving his shirt half-open, lee throws his coat on, barely covering the marks that were left on his clavicle.

"don't tell me your leaving like that..." seungbae said, the nervousness in his voice apparent.

"relax, my car is 30 seconds away from your apartment," lee said, but softened his tone once he saw seungbae's genuine worry, "...I'll make sure I'm quick." 

unlatching the locks and opening the door, he started to remember the blind date arrangement that he made, promising the woman that she would meet a man with virtuous morals, a stickler with a heart of gold, and would ultimate doing right by her in the end.

But now that he did what he did with seungbae, and he can't fathom why, his guilt compounded him, and he felt the need to make apparitions.

"seungbae-"

"it's better if you cancel the blind date right away."

seungbae looked down, uncomfortably shifting in his feet.

"...it wouldn't be right."

lee slowly nodded, his throat incredibly dry from the fact that he will have to find a appropriate excuse. any excuse. he couldn't tell her.

"I'll let her know," he finally said, and closed the door.

#killing stalking #killing me softly #yang seungbae #yoonbumxseungbae #a03 link #a03 fic #ao3 fanfic #fanfiction #yoon bum #ao3 #killingstalkingfanfic #detective lee #smut

[coffyao]

pictures to remember

SUMMARY:

yoonbum wants physical proof that they are finally a couple. seungbae begrudgingly goes with it.

link to my a03: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalaloopsyland

_______

yoonbum leans against the sofa, obsessively swiping through his phone as an algorithm of couple pictures show up on his page, each shown with a different pose.

He then switches to his photos app, which contained images of small animals that he decided to save because they were cute, and there was the odd one or two pictures of himself when he had rare bursts of self-confidence.

But there were none of him and seungbae.

perhaps his feelings of insecurity were unreasonable since they only started officially dating a month ago, but he at least wanted to have pictures of them together he could look over whenever they were separated, and saturate himself with that emotion of overwhelming bliss.

He had to be quick though, since seungbae was going in for a weekend shift,  and they were typically the most strenuous, which sometimes resulted in not seeing him until the darkest of hours.

nervously fiddling with his hands, yoonbum opens the door to his bedroom, revealing a half-naked seungbae, his work trousers intact except for his shirt or even a tie. 

I'm still not used to seeing him like this.

"bum. what's up?"

"...d-do you want to take a selfie with me?"

Yoonbum pulls out his phone, his fidgeting persistent.

"...a picture? well, what for?"

yoonbum goes onto his social media page, and shyly turns it around so seungbae could see.  Seungbae had the tendency to be hard-headed at times, but once he caught on to what yoonbum wanted, he would always try to compensate for that flaw as much as he could, and this situation wasn't any different. 

well, except...

"ahh, s-so thats what you meant..."

that he wasn't a photogenic person.

"yes and I want to do it exactly like this..." 

_____

"alright...are you ready?" as seungbae holds on to his legs.

yoonbum readjusts his arms seungbae's back, pointing his phone towards the bathroom mirror. 

"...I think so," he smiles.

He taps the camera icon and the phone goes off.

#killing stalking #yang seungbae #yoonbumxseungbae #yoon bum #killing me softly #killingstalkingfanfic #ao3 fanfic #ao3 writer #fanfic #ao3fic #ao3 #wattpad

[coffyao]

drink away your inhibitions chapter 2.

Yoonbum smiles warmly at him and seungbae slowly smiles back, making their way to the dance floor. Yoonbum felt uneasy at first as the bodies pressed up against him, too inebriated by the music to be aware who was around them.  But as seungbae started moving to the beat, taking yoonbum’s hand and pulling him closer, that apprehension had dwindled, and they became slowly entranced by their surroundings.

As the lights started to dim, Yoonbum couldn’t quite take his eyes off him in that moment. Between the frail button on his white shirt that might snap off and the tender way that he had always looked at Yoonbum…It was so conflictingly bewildering.

Yoonbum had always found him good-looking, but the atmosphere felt too potent. So much so that ..he had thoughts of seungbae snatching him away to the bathroom, gripping his hands so he would be unable to escape and then having his way with him against the bathroom mirror.

It was so unpredictable that it was arousing.

Why can’t he just..

seungbae is awkward with his movements, misplacing a few steps and at another point even trampling his shoe on yoonbums foot.

“Shit..sorry.”

Yoonbum didn’t mind at all. Instead, he chuckles lightly.

“It’s okay.”

As the air rushes throughout the club like a heatwave, the gap began to close between them, heavy breaths occupying the music and a stare that felt strangely similar. Yoonbum couldn’t really tell. In the amidst of this, Yoonbum notices a trail of sweat running down seungbae’s forehead and in a moment of pure absentness, he touches his face.

“Sweat..” Yoonbum mutters.

“..What?”

“…Your sweating. Let me wipe it off for you.”

Carefully, Yoonbum grabs a leftover tissue from his pocket and uses it to dab the sweat off, making sure that it absorbs every spot. When he finishes, he looks down to meet Seungbae’s eyes. He was expecting Seungbae to give his genial smile whenever he would do such eccentric things, that even Yoonbum himself struggles why he does it sometimes.

…Or at the very least, change the topic of conversation so Yoonbum could retain whatever pride he still had left, and they could walk on the waning line they still call a friendship.

But Seungbae didn’t resort to either of those things.  The only thing that had made an inch was his hands, travelling to yoonbum’s arms. His face, unwavering and still but his eyes, fervent and consuming. Yoonbum couldn’t say a word, it was like being stuck in a limbo where neither could escape until one of them made the next move.

Then, before Yoonbum could even anticipate it, Seungbae leans forward, eyes shut and lips moving at a gradual speed.

This had to be because of a different reason. It must be.  But..

Yoonbum closes his eyes.

It’s better than nothing.

“..Sorry.”

Seungbae removes his hands and moves slightly back. Yoonbum opens his eyes, confused.

“I.. don’t know what had gotten into me. Just.. I can’t believe I had tried to..” As Seungbae struggles to find his words.

..is this better?

“..Just out of my mind. please forgive me for what I had…I wouldn’t.”

“Its fine.”

Yoonbum holds onto seungbae's hands and breathes out, “it’s okay. Don't..no.”

Who are you trying to fool?

Yoonbum couldn’t take it any longer. It had to burst. Everything. All of it.

Now.

He moves his hands until it rests on seungbae’s shoulders, tiptoeing so he was close enough to his ear. Yoonbum leans closer and whispers, "Then.. how about we just get out of here instead?” momentarily taken over by a force he knew all too well about himself.

So impulsive.

By the time those words left Yoonbum’s mouth, an incredible force of shame had infiltrated into his entire being and he immediately ungrips Seungbae with such speed that he nearly trips over himself.

“Ah-“

Seungbae grabs onto his arm and pulls him back up, an unreadable expression appearing on his face. Yoonbum bites his nail. He didn’t want to look at him. It was bad enough that Seungbae had pulled away from their kiss but to also proposition him? It made him want to hit himself with a broken bottle.

“..Um. I don’t know why I…ha. You know I think maybe we both a little out of it...let’s forget about what I.. “His voice decreasing with each word he spoke, perturbed by the lack of seungbae’s reaction.

He would usually expect for Seungbae to scold him, maybe ask, “Why would you say that?” picturing seungbae with his usual confused face.

Instead, Seungbae stands motionlessly, as the music continues to vibrate throughout the dance floor.

“Seungbae-“

“Let’s do that then.”

Yoonbum turns his head up in shock and wondered briefly if his ears were just deluding him in order to make him feel better.

“It’s getting too loud in here anyway. I think we both could do with some fresh air, at least.”

Yoonbum couldn’t budge his mouth. He didn’t even what this was all supposed to mean. It was too sudden. It had felt more like a feverish fantasy born from his yearning than what was actually happening in real-life. Did Seungbae even know what he had meant by that? Or were his intentions meant to be innocuous after all?

It wouldn’t hurt to see what it actually is.

Yoonbum holds onto his sleeve and points towards the exit. Sluggishly, they walk into the masses, shifting and turning like cog machines until they arrive at the black doors, opening it with ease.

Meeting with the lukewarm breeze, they walk side-to-side on a stoned path, vivid neon signs illuminating the streets of Seoul. They didn’t talk nor even so much as look at each other. For those few lengthy seconds, they had sauntered aimlessly, looking for that something; but that something was unknown. Yoonbum grows increasingly uncomfortable, holding himself with his arms as if it were a protective barrier.

Yoonbum needed an indication, a foreseeable event that he could at least let himself down to, where was-

Oh.

A motel that was written in blue and in bold, “Mk Liberty House,” flashes across his eyes, the building being made out of white brick walls with a glass door that had said “welcome, “on top of it.  The way they had placed it was subtle, seeing as it was between a convenient store and a karaoke bar.

Yoonbum looks away, but Seungbae had already caught on to the sign above him and without breaking his focus, he said, “Do you want to go in there.”

“..Sure.”

---

While the hotel clerk hands Seungbae the keys, Yoonbum feels the pressure in between his legs start to kick in fluctuating forces, almost buckling under it as he tries to control it.

“Yoonbum.”

“H-huh?”

“..Nothing. Let’s go.”

Entering the elevator, they stand next to each other.  

What’s nothing?

Yoonbum tightly holds the metal bars, hands becoming sweatier by the second as the elevator continues to rise.  Combined with the bulb flickering above them and the stillness between them growing prominent, he felt his anxiety peak. Yoonbum felt someone’s eyes on him, but he didn't want to acknowledge who it was. He felt confused and maybe it was misplaced but weirdly happy at the same time?

You couldn’t be already having expectations.

Yoonbum continues to peek at the doors, growing impatient. When it dings, Yoonbum felt like he was going to combust into flames.

This is it.

Are we..

Yoonbum shakes his head.

As Seungbae reaches the door, focusing too excessively on the keys, he clears his throat, “Since we aren’t thinking clearly, its better if we rest here…”

“Rest?”

“..Yeah.  it would have been unwise if that if we had gone.. our separate ways. Things would go.. wrong. So a motel was...” As his voice trails off, unconvinced at his own words.

Huh?

Yoonbum couldn’t wrap around his head around.. no his head couldn’t accept this conclusion. He would have been able to understand it..

…if Seungbae hadn’t complimented him so genuinely it had felt sickly sweet.

…If he hadn’t asked to dance with him knowing Yoonbum is a horrible dancer.

...Then look at him with such warmth that it’s impossible to fathom.

..Tried to kiss him.

…Then instead of getting two separate rooms, he’s gets one for both of them? Alone? Both of them?

…Alone?

Before Yoonbum could anticipate his own actions, he reaches for seungbaes face, frantic as his breathing harshened.

 “..When you tried to kiss me earlier, did you really not mean it?”

“Bum-“

When was the last time he so woefully wanted someone to touch him? At those times, he couldn’t even recognize his own being, his own voice.

A slutty animal.

..If it had meant that he had to get hurt a few   more times, he thought it would be worth the pay-off.

But this was different.

Today, tonight.. this was a gamble. He wasn’t just giving himself up to just anyone. He was giving himself up to someone..who might be worth the tears this time.

When Seungbae didn’t say anything, Yoonbum grows more restless, and he reaches for seungbae’s ear again.

Don’t deny me.

“Do you really not want me?”

“I..”

“Because I can’t take it..it’s too much.”

Don’t you dare deny me any longer.

“Too.."

“Yes seungbae. you are too much. So do something about it.”

Seungbae bites his lip and leans his head against the door, mumbling words yoonbum couldn’t quite hear but when seungbae turns to face yoonbum again, yoonbums back stung with both fear and excitement.

Without another word, seungbae unlocks the door and pulls yoonbum into the room, any little remainder of self-control disappearing within mere seconds.

_________________

#yoon bum #killing stalking #yang seungbae #Yoonbumxseungbae #Killingstalkingfanfic #seungbum

[coffyao]

Drink away your inhibitions chapter 1.

this took me a long time to write but im happy that i've finished it.

---

:SPOILERS AHEAD:

this takes place where in this universe, yoonbum does NOT die (it is implied in the canon ending that he did.) seungbae stops the car in time, sees an extremely distraught yoonbum, calms him down and he decides to take him back to hospital to get checked out.. lets say two years later: yoonbum has decided to get the professional help he needed (encouraged by seungbae) eventually gets a job at the library (my favourite headcannon thanks to (when i find their user, ill credit them. ) lives in a small apartment and hes doing fairly better for himself.

Time continues to pass by..

Now it's going to be seungbae's birthday tomorrow and he had decided to invite yoonbum to a nightclub (because now they are friends..) yoonbum was hesitant at first... but he decides to come anyway. yoonbum since then.. has FALLEN extremely hard for seungbae. now he's almost ready to take that leap.. with the help of a little something.

_________________________

Seungbae.. seungbae.. seungbae..

It was the only name that had filled his mind. He looked down on his feet as he awkwardly stood at the back of the club, the crowds of young 20 something years old dancing to the techno music that echoed throughout the building. Yoonbum was never the type to think about how old he was until he walked out of his 1-bedroom apartment, dress in attire he would never think to wear and surround himself in such a boisterous environment that it could even tucker out an energy-drink obsessed teenager.

He didn’t like this at all.  But..

His eyes went straight to the mini bar. Three people. A woman who sported a black bob-cut while adorned in a scarlet sleeveless dress. He didn’t see her face clearly, but he could tell she was beautiful.  Then sat right next to her, was that horrible cop who forced his jaw open one time. He couldn’t quite remember his name, but an experience like that would certainly traumatise anyone.

Yoonbum cringed. 

Since that cop had his face splat on the table, at the very least, he wouldn’t have to force any niceties or whatever. Then right beside him, was Seungbae himself. He was wearing a black blazer, a buttoned white shirt, along with the rest of the attire to go with it.

He had left his hair untouched, which Yoonbum liked and he had his usual glasses on, which he had also liked. He admittedly.. admired him. His overbearing sense of justice…his caring nature, his generosity.. his smile.. his amazing smell.. his presence..morality.

Oh..most importantly…

His morality.

Yoonbum had never recalled a time where seungbae had ever laid a hand on him.. He had never made him like he had done anything wrong. He had never made him put on a decaying dress that smelled awfully like someone died. God. He wasn’t anything like..

At first, yoonbum was afraid of that. It was the unfamiliarity of being treated like he actually mattered.

It was being able to rest at home without having the fear that a certain someone might get triggered and beat the crap out of him. Then it was the irrational anger. Why was he being treated so fragilely? Like a Chinese tea-set that might shatter any minute if it was blown against with a paper fan.

He didn’t deserve this treatment. He wanted to be punished. He wanted to be hurt. He deserved it. He shouldn’t be anything less but a container for somebody’s pain and pleasure. That’s all he was. That was why he existed.  His existence was merely to worship the feet that stood on his pitiful head and stamp on it with glee. He would accept it, no resistance. No complaining. Accept it with a grateful smile.

Thank you for blessing my miserable life with your presence. Thank you very much.

Sangwoo was supposed to be his saviour. His one and only god. His salvation. So.. how was it that a know-it-all cop playing white knight somehow manage to be his saviour? Was this supposed to be god’s plan all along? He doesn’t know.

 At times, he had felt guilty for even entertaining the thought of having feelings for somebody else. Sangwoo would curse him all the way to hell if he ever.. well.. he’s probably there now. He might even go there too, one day. But for now… just for now. He wants to pretend like he deserves a second chance at life.

Just a little longer.

He stood straight and made his way towards the bar, slipping and sliding carefully as he attempted to pass through the crowd. At times, it had felt like a forest, going through lengths large and wide, in order to reach his destination. But at times..it was moreso like a stuffy school corridor, where everyone pushed against each other, and the only way you can even bear it is to push right back.  

He wiped the sweat off his brows and continued pushing forwards. Eventually, he reached the bar, and his mind immediately went straight to where that destination was. Where was his destination? Where was..

His eyes widened. His ears winced at the sound of laughter and he had turned his head to the left. There was Seungbae. He was having a conversation with that woman. That woman.

Yoonbum clenched his hands.

How am I supposed to…

he furiously bit his lip and stepped forward then stood still. He tried lifting his feet but it had felt like they were crushed by concrete.  He had felt something unnerving crawl behind his back..like a familiar parasite.

?

His vision blurred and the room was filled with echoing silence. His hands and legs were tied with rope and someone or that something threw him inside a wardrobe. Dusty. A disgusting aroma. It smelled almost like.. the wardrobe opened slightly. The familiar wardrobe, the familiar smell, the familiar fluorescent light. That same feeling of dread felt like a concussion.

 A deep voice murmured, “Peek.” Wrapping its frosty hands around his head. Yoonbum shut his eyes, but the hands pried his eyes open. “Don’t.” Yoonbum whimpered. The voice became louder. “Peek.” It commanded. His lips started to bleed. “Won’t you peek for me?” it purred. The hands travelled down to his left leg, rubbing his inner thigh. He shivered. He couldn’t resist. As Yoonbum moved his head closer, the grunts becoming more audible. “That’s it.. peek.”

Don’t peek.

 His blood started trickling down his chin.  The hands tightened their grip.

“Fucking peek you retard.”

His heart thumped into his skin. He creeped closer. Fighting wasn’t an option. It never was..when it came to him.

Closer.

“Yoonbum?” Seungbae called out. Yoonbum lifted his head, blinking hard.

 “Come here.”  Seungbae gestured with his hand. Yoonbum took a deep breath, breathing out with his nose. Just like the therapist said. In…out.. in. He walked towards the pair. Seungbae smiled, “It’s really nice to see you here. I’m glad you decided to come after all.”

Yoonbums lip twitched.

His voice always made him feel better.  It was slightly deep, with gentle yet wild undertones to it. At times, it was as soft as it can be when he it had reassured yoonbum but as can be as hearty and brash whenever they had conversations about his job. He felt his anxiety melt away.  

“I’m okay. It’s nice to see you too…”

Seungbae shifted, hushing his voice. “ah…so this is the person that came to celebrate with me and..” then he turned and motioned his hand. “Sorry, I was just telling her who you were. So this is..”

Oh.

 It’s true. Yoonbum had never truly wished ill on anyone.  He never hated Sangwoo, even when he was beating him until he had begged him to stop. His uncle was   an incomprehensible monster but even so, he had wanted him gone, not dead.  His superior from the army made him want to die, but he didn’t want them to die.  His friend from high school betrayed him and he had momentarily hated her, but when she came back, his heart softened to the idea of them reconciling.

 But there was one thing he had abhorred.  Made him want to dig holes on the wall with a screwdriver. Its irrational but it’s a rational feeling. He won’t take another woman. He won’t take them stealing the man he loves, not again. Never again. He won’t allow it.

“Nice to meet you Yoonbum.” She said, offering a small smile. Yoonbum clenched his teeth and gazed at her lips.  He croaked but attempted too at least sound just as amiable.

“Nice.. to meet you too.”

 She nodded and glazed Seungbae’s hand with her fingertips.

Why do you keep touching him?

Yoonbum cleared his throat, “Think I’m going to order a drink.”

Seungbae frowned, “Oh already? I thought you said you weren’t much of a drinke-”

"Yes usually..but it’s your birthday tomorrow. Might as well.” Yoonbum said, avoiding seungbae’s gaze. Seungbae pressed his lips together, eyebrows furrowed for a few seconds before sighing.

“Okay.. just don’t overdo it.”

Don’t overdo it he said.

Yoonbum walked in between them and tapped the marble table. His gaze flickered back at the woman, faintly hoping she would at least be annoyed by the unwelcome presence of a stranger getting in the way. The bartender turned his head around and walked up to the counter.

In a tired voice, he said, “Yes..what would you like?” Yoonbum took out his wallet from his black blazer. He slammed the money on the counter and says, “…soju. One shot of soju.” The bartender yawns, “gotcha.” As the bartender started preparing the shot, Seungbae continued to talk with the woman, small snickers between them erupting.

Yoonbum kept glancing with the corner of his eye, furrowing his eyebrows. The bartender tapped his shoulder and pointed at the glass. Yoonbum nodded and the bartender walked away, rolling his eyes. Yoonbum had never considered himself a serious drinker. Sure, he had gotten drunk with Sangwoo a couple of times, but that was only because he had felt obliged to. After all, he had only ever wanted to please him. But he wasn’t drinking exactly to appease anyone. It was just being impulsive. Liquid courage but without the actual liquid. He took the glass and drank it one go, scrunching his face up as the bitter taste hit his tongue.

“horrible.” He muttered.

He dipped his bony hands inside his wallet again and slammed the counter, but with a little less force this time. Seungbae glances up at him, opens his mouth but closes it again. As the bartender starts pouring another drink, Yoonbum looks down, thinking about how this situation felt screamed deja vu. Social interaction especially in a loud setting such as this had never been easy for a guy like him. 

He had never had friends and although he had thought perhaps he would learn to eventually accept it..

It had always bothered him.  So, so much.

Going to karaoke. Talking about who they were crushing on in class. Even simply studying together was enough to drive him over the edge he had already past so long ago. Why couldn’t he have friends as well? What was so wrong with him?  Why is everything so hard. But he wasn’t going to feel like this tonight. He was going to be in control this time.

 He took the second shot of soju, turned around and took a deep breath, “Seungbae. Your friend.”

“Haha..yeah?”

The woman raised her eyebrow. Yoonbum crossed his arms and repeated blankly, “Your friend. Aren’t you going to order a taxi home for him?”

Seungbae looks at Yoonbum with a confused expression at first, but what he had meant quickly clicked and he stood up.

“Shit.”

 Seungbae continued to mutter under his breath as he checked his friend’s pulse with his fingers. He pressed his eyebrows with his fingers and huffed. The woman chewed her lip and asked, “Is your friend alright-” He interrupts, clicking his teeth.

“yeah its fine, don’t worry…”

Yoonbum sits back on the chair seungbae was sitting on and continues staring at her. Seungbae puts one hand on his waist and another hand on his arm, raising him up off the cushioned seat.  He rests his head on Seungbaes shoulder, mumbling incoherently. Seungbae turns to the pair, looking apologetic.

“Sorry.. I didn’t know he was going to get this wasted..had I known beforehand I would have made this idiot drink water instead. Anyways ah..think I’ll just take him home instead. Then I’ll come back, okay?”

The woman frowned but hid it with a half-hearted smile, “That’s fine. Got all night anyway.” Seungbae sighed and said, “Great.. I’ll be back quickly..” He pauses and looks at yoonbum.

“Yoonbum. are you okay with that?”

 Yoonbum replies a little too quickly, “Yes. Yes.. Just make sure your friend is okay.” Seungbae pauses, then shakes his head.

“..Right. see you later then.”

 As they walked and disappeared into the hoard of glowsticks and brightly coloured hair. The woman taps her fingernail onto her cheek before turning to Yoonbum.

“Yoonbum. Right?”

“Yes…that’s my name.”

 “So, uh..”

Just say it.

Yoonbum huffs, “I like him.”

She narrows her eyes, and scoffs. “Uh..what?”

You heard me.

Yoonbum sits up a little straighter and looks into her eyes. “I.. like.. him. So..”

“You…”

He squeezes his knees, clenching his teeth tighter. He couldn’t control himself any longer.

“Yes.. which is why I need you to back off. Me and seungbae..we have history. I have known him..known him for longer than a year and..”

Keep going.

“You.. you have known him for 30 seconds. I get.. it. You must like him too but.. I liked him first. Putting your hands all over him..flirting  with him like you haven’t seen a man in years…you.”

Wait..what am I doing?

He gulps, his resolve weakening. His hands shake, “It really.. annoys me. I’m.. I’m sorry lady but-”

“Im going to have to stop you right here.”  She said, crossing her arms.

Seungbae's never going to talk to me again.

She looked at yoonbum as if she was looking at an overgrown infant.

“First of all.. your friend is straight.”

I know that.

“And.. let’s be honest. Strangers? 30 seconds? Who the hell cares about all of that?’

Yoonbum tucks in his chin and looks down.

Don’t cry.

She leans into her chair, “He doesn’t owe you anything. You liking him for a year doesn’t mean he’s obligated to feel the same for you. You should know that by now if you’re smart.. and I don’t owe you anything either.”

He could feel his eyes burn up, the feeling of mortification and woe mixing into a terrible concoction.

Shes right.

He covers his eyes with his hand, “..Your right. Yeah…”

What was he even expecting by talking to her? Shame for even daring to flirt with his unrequited crush? Sympathy for the poor gay man who longs for another straight man?

What was it?

Why are you so pathetic?

“Sorry I..”

“Hey I’m back.”

They both turn from their seats. Seungbae looks back at them, glasses slightly bent out of shape with drops of sweat falling beneath his chin. He takes a short breath.

“Didn’t know you would be back so quickly.”  She said, Placing her hand under her chin.

He raised his eyebrows and sat back down.

“Ah. About that. Long story short.. one of my colleagues from work was also out for the night.. happened to see us together and offered to take him home. I mean I felt bad..”

She shrugged, “Oh well. No need to feel bad. If he offered… he offered."

“I guess.. he did say he was going home as well.”

“Exactly. But you know..I’m glad your back.”

Yoonbum instinctively knew what was going to happen and he wrapped his hands in balled-up fists.

Keep calm.

She examined yoonbum closely, a small frown appearing on her face, but it quickly resolves as her eyes move to seungbae. Seungbae nods, “Yea- “

“With me.” She interrupted. Seungbae opened his mouth slightly.

“Oh?”

She leans closer to him.

“Seungbae. You know.. I really like you. So much so that..i want to see where this goes. Get to know each other.”

“Uh..”

“What do you say?”

“Sorry. I didn’t know this is what you thought this was. I’m actually...” He looks at yoonbum and gulps. He looks back and instead focuses on the bottle of sansachun.

“I’m.. not that interested in dating anyone.. at least. Not at the moment. I honestly think your an gorgeous woman.  But.. I’m really not looking for anything…like that.

Huh?

“..Ah. I see how it is.”

She stood up from her seat, snatching her glass of soju and glares at yoonbum,

She turns her head to seungbae, then at  yoonbum, then at both of the pair.  She looks at them for a while before smirking, then takes a swish of her drink. She slams the glass down on the counter. She sighs, “No worries. It’s my fault for assuming it after all. But.. are you really sure that you aren’t interested?"

 “..Yeah.”

“If you say so. it was nice meeting you then.”

Before seungbae could even have a chance to reply, she rushes into the crowd, heels clattering and bag swinging, pride obviously hurt.

Ah.

For a moment, yoonbum had felt a moment of fleeting happiness when she had finally left. It was like he had been given his one chance.  Maybe a confession. Seungbae sits down next to him, shoulders slumped with his hand lumped against his forehead. Seungbae shifted in his seat.

“..Sorry about that situation. Honestly I wasn’t trying to lead anyone on..” As his voice quietens at the last sentence. Yoonbum wanted to find the words to ease Seungbae. It was the least he could do after what he had caused.   He shakily reaches for seungbae’s hand. comfort absolutely.. but at the same time, erase the warm hand that had dared touched him previously.

So close..

But as he was about to make that final move, the previous conversation or rather, the careful pick apart of his psyche started to resurface itself in his already fractured mind.

“your friend is straight. “

“I’m.. not that interested in dating anyone.”

Yoonbum tightly pressed his lips, instead tapping the counter with his hand in an attempt to hide his pathetic advance at reaching him.

Seungbae breaks the silence.

“Ah, damn it all. How about we just drink instead?” slipping into his pocket.

“..Huh?”

“I mean it’s not like I’m having a bad night or anything like that. I had just.. thought maybe if we had a little drink or two…it might get.. some troublesome things off our minds. You know?”  Seungbae smiled, but it somehow didn’t seem very convincing.

“..I guess that could be good.” Yoonbum mumbled.

“And also.. I’ve been so distracted that I haven’t really had the time to talk to you. I’m sorry.”

Really?

Yoonbum puts his hand over his mouth, “Don’t worry about it..” a slight blush of red appearing on his cheeks. Seungbae nods and calls for the bartender. As the club rumbled on with dancing bodies, the proximity between him and Seungbae made all of this feel so much more real.

His heart was jumping to let it all out, to finally kiss him, feel him..

At first, he had never regarded him in such a vulgar matter. For the first couple of months, whenever seungbae had visited him in his apartment, although a little bit of resentment did reside in him..

He was mostly grateful.

Their conversations used to be awkward, stunted for the mere fact that he wasn’t sure how to take everything in.

A life without Sangwoo? Is this what it had meant to live a completely ordinary life? But with due time, he had eventually started to forget.  With due time, conversations that had felt forced from his part had started to feel more natural. With due time, he started to feel the wall break. With due time.. he felt him and seungbae become a little closer.

Then on a cold midnight, he had a dream.

 He had opened his eyes and seungbae was standing over him in the dark. Trousers, shirt, and glasses intact but yoonbum had felt like at that moment, seungbae was standing in the nude. Yoonbum could move his body, but he was paralyzed.  When he had stared at seungbae, there was a sense of uncontrollable intensity between the way they had looked at one another that if he had broken the stare-off, this peculiar dream would end.

This dream would become a repetitive recurrence, where all seungbae would do is look at him with his void less eyes, but he wouldn’t ever say anything or make a move.

Maybe it was because he hadn’t done it in a while, but just from their eye contact alone, did he start touching himself every night to it.

“Bum? What are you ordering?”

“Oh? Uh…soju.”

“Alright.” The bartender places both of their drinks on the counter.

Seungbae takes a long sip of it, “…so. how has life been treating you so far.”

“..not too bad.”

“Really? well..thats good.” As Seungbae looks down on his drink. Yoonbum fidgets with his fingers, then reciprocates the same question.

“..How about you? How has life been treating you?”

“Ah! well…”

Seungbae started to open up about how stressed he had been nowadays, working late shifts whilst dealing with the significant rise of petty crime around the neighbourhood.  He then rambles on about how even now he feels he is still treated delicately after officer park’s passing. He orders another shot of Sansachun.

“I know..I have some issues. But one of the things that I despise the most is being treated like I’m still that poor kid from back then..”

“I understand..”

“It just drives me crazy. It’s just so patronising. I mean..there’s plenty of days where I do miss him. But I also feel.. for the most part, that I handle it okay.”

Yoonbum didn’t really know to comfort him since he had felt he was so terrible with words, so he resorted to the thing he knew how to do the most. He wrapped his hand around seungbaes fist. Seungbae glanced at him in shock, nearly saying something but he decides not to say anything at all. They continue purchasing drink after drink, the night becoming hazier by the second.  

With his face glowing a shade of reddish pink, seungbae leaned on his hand and said, “You know bum..I think if you put yourself out there more. I think you could find someone really good for you… Someone who truly deserves you.”

Yoonbum clumsily stumbles on his words, “I don’t know about t-that. I’m not exactly..charismatic. Attractive..i don’t think I’m that  either. So…”

Seungbae shook his head, declaring, “Nonsense. I think.. your one of the kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. You are always.. you just  always know what to do to make someone feel better.  You…” He pauses.

“You’re honestly the most beautiful person I know.”

"…You think I’m beautiful and kind?”

Seungbae vigorously pats his chest, pressing his lips. His face flushing harder.

“..who wouldn’t after getting to know you?”

Yoonbum chuckles under his breath, murmuring, “..your so confusing.”

The frenzied electro-pop music that had dominated the start of the night started to shift into slower paced music, once a lively crowd turning into flamingos, hugging one another. The array of lights that had strobed around the room, became still, and took a dark tone of vermillion red, consuming the room like it was the red-light district.

Yoonbum had felt the heat rise upon his neck, sensing that with the change of scenery, had now shifted the light-hearted mood he had tried so hard to keep. No amount of alcohol wasn’t going to reverse it by any means anymore. Seungbae finishes his last shot, wiping the remaining residue off his mouth and looks into the distance of the crowd.

As his eyes remain sucked into the force of what appeared to be the abnormal frequency of sensualism, Seungbae says, “do you want to dance?”

Yoonbum held his seat, the build-up of sweat increasing on his nape. He gulps.

“Huh?”

“..It just seems like their having a good time. But we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Yoonbum had not expected his night would go like this. He hadn’t anticipated that he would have ever had to fail an attempt at warding off a woman of her target, only to be spectacularly lucky at the end when seungbae had shut her down. He hadn’t expected that they would drink like this, be as close as they are now and have seungbae describe him with adjectives he could never see himself as.

He had never ever expected that as the night progressed, seungbae would ever ask to dance with him, let alone with all those people who looked they wanted to eat each other alive. The territory that they were about to delve into felt too risky. Yoonbum bit his upper lip. But he didn’t want to refuse.

“No.. its ok. I want to dance.”  Hesitantly standing up from his seat.

“…You sure?” breaking his trance and staring into yoonbums eyes instead.

“Yeah. Like you said.. it does seem fun.

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