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dearfuturehusbandblog · 8 months

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Triggers and Transparency

Or the Fall Out Boy title: I Have A Hater, So I Must Be Doing Something Right...

Dear Future Husband,

I reuploaded my last post because someone decided to comment publicly calling me out for "making a chillul Hashem" by posting it publicly, instead of messaging me privately and having a conversation about her feelings on the matter. And then she blocked me so her comments on that post are now hidden to me, but not to others who come across it and can see and respond to them. Fun.

And that is just super petty and manipulative, so I decided to hide those comments from the world too by hiding the post and just reuploading the whole thing.

But I also want to discuss this situation, because I think it's important to respond to what she had to say.

Let me start with this: Nobody has to like me or agree with me. I don't demand or expect that from my readers.

In fact, I don't demand or expect readers in general.

This is my tiny pixel of the internet where I can say what I want/need to say. For the most part I’m venting and yelling into a void anyway.

I've had this account for years. My first post was in 2016 and for the first few years, I didn't even have any followers, not that I really care whether or not I have followers, because that's not why I created this space for myself anyway.

If people choose to interact with what I have to say, that's awesome.

If they get something out of it, that's awesome.

If I get something out of it, that's awesome.

But I write lengthy things.

Sagas. Epics. Novels.

I write dark things.

I write a lot, but I don't share everything.

And what I share is my thoughts and experiences based on my experiences and thoughts.

That's not for everyone. And it isn't meant to be for everyone.

I'd assume most people click the "expand" button, see how long my posts are and nope right outta' there anyway. It's shocking to me if anyone actually cares enough to read what I have to say. Even more so if they choose to respond.

Do I love it when they do? Sure.

We all have that ego, and I'm sure we all post publicly in hopes people interact, as much as we do it for ourselves. If I truly wanted to keep these things private, I'd write in a journal (which I also do on occasion and a lot of that does not get shared), but most of my posts are somewhat of a cry for help (some more obvious than others) and if anyone sees my beacon and responds, it makes me feel less alone. And considering I've been super lonely most of my life, it's nice to share something I experienced and have someone out there say "hey, I get it, and you're not alone."

Now, I’ve been on tumblr in general for like 15 years and I have multiple accounts that I use for different purposes - different fandoms, different thoughts I want to share with different audiences, etc, and I created multiple accounts because when you comment on stuff it’s always associated with your main blog and that’s just wrong for the different ways I interact with different people about different things. Like, I don't want fandom stuff coming back to my religious blog or my food blog coming back to my music blog, etc. But I don’t come on tumblr as often as I used to back in the day, so while these accounts are still active, I don’t use them all that much.

So when I saw that after a small back and forth with this other person on my last post that their comments were suddenly “hidden, blocked, or removed,” I figured that meant for everyone and that she’d deleted them, so I in turn deleted my responses to her, feeling they wouldn’t make sense for someone to come across and just see mine.

But then I tried to send her a private message to discuss the matter and her blog somehow just magically “disappeared”… oooooh, so mysterious. Which made me realize, “oh, you dumbbell, she blocked you, which is why you can’t view the comments anymore.” And then I wondered if it was for sure just me who couldn’t see them or if it was everyone, so I logged into another account and lo and behold! The comments were visible! To everyone! So my deleting my own comments solved nothing and just made it look like I deleted my responses because she called me out, which was not the case. (I’m a fan of context and wouldn’t be that petty.)

So I used one of my other accounts to send her a message and told her I was open to an actual conversation about why that post of everything I’ve ever posted triggered her and she responded and then blocked me again so I couldn’t reply.

I anticipated that.

But in her response she made more accusations and basically called me an idiot (so nice, I know). So I used another account to send a follow up message to respond to one of her accusations and to basically say 'this has been fun, have a nice life.' To which she responded “I’m not even reading this.” And then blocked me again.

Also as anticipated, though I didn't follow up again after that.

But here’s the thing: she was accusing me of being condescending.

(I never claimed I wasn't... lol)

But her biggest issue seemed to be more that I was condescending while “targeting” irreligious Jews with my #tags, essentially inciting their responses and mocking them to their webfaces.

Except, no.

I also asked her why she felt the need to respond solely to this post out of all my other posts and she replied that she had responded to my posts before, and that I only couldn’t see them because she’d blocked me.

Except, no.

Using another account that she did not block I was able to check all the comments on all my posts (after having checked my notes before she blocked me on this account) and she has responded to exactly ZERO of my other posts. So, now we’re in gaslighting territory. Fun.

But I'd like to break down what she had to say and respond for my own edification and also for anyone who happened across those comments while they were live and should have context. Also in several years the whole "argument" will be confusing and I use posts like this for my own context.

So let's start at the beginning:

XXXXXXXX said: I’m frum and the amount of condescension dripping from every word of this post made even me deeply uncomfortable. I’m really not sure how you can claim you were respectful when you literally recorded the ceremony just so you could more accurately make fun of it later. Yikes yikes yikes.

Condescension dripping from every word. Mkay.

I believe she's referring there to the part about my cousin's irreligious wedding, despite me starting that post with how odd or confusing a lot of modern wedding tradition is to me in the religious Jewish sphere and how I'd like to do things when it's my turn.

I also didn't record it so I could mock it later, I recorded it because it was baffling to me while I was experiencing it, and I process things differently from most people, especially when I'm in a moment of heightened stress (which, being around family is for me) and wanted to remember things later and figure out what exactly went on. I do this all the time with other events and conversations too.

The fact that the recording came in handy when I was writing things out for my own processing was a bonus, honestly. I wish wish wish wish wish I'd recorded a lot of things in my life that I didn't. This was just one I wish I'd started earlier in the preceedings. The officiant said some really lovely things about my grandparents and I would have loved to have the recording for that too. I'm not super duper close with my cousins and don't know if I'll ever see the wedding video or if all of that will even be included in the video (since most people go cinematic these days and cut a lot of stuff or overlay music) and it would be nice to have that for posterity.

Just because I didn't outline it in my post doesn't mean there weren't other reasons for recording the event. Also, it's not like they said no recordings or anything before the ceremony. If they had, I would have respected that.

And being respectful to their faces and making "nice" in person is the Kiddush Hashem I was referring to in the original post. Being the religious relatives has always been exceptionally weird for us in so many ways.

Hell, a relative who exclusively reads the NYT believed that we were anti-vaxxers spreading covid to everyone and refused to show up at an event we were invited to, despite never having a conversation with us about it or even asking.

There are always assumptions made about us and how we live our lives and how we won't be part of things and aren't accepting of anyone and aren't courteous or respectful of things that aren't religious. And yes, in my anonymous post on a website none of my relatives frequent, I did express views that could be considered not respectful. But you know what I did in person? I smiled, I said hello, I gave hugs and handshakes, I made it clear that we're open and friendly and kind people, and that family is important to us.

Some say that's hypocritical, but when it comes to Shalom, you do whatever you can to ease interpersonal relationships, regardless of how you actually feel on the matter. If they aren't in a place to hear your opinions, you don't shove them in their faces.

And why would I close the door to the possibility of them doing kiruv in the future? If all they see is that their religious relatives are awful, they'd never want to do teshuva. By not expressing everything I'm feeling in person, it leaves them with positive feelings towards us "weirdos" and that leaves the door open to potential spiritual growth on their parts in the future. The positive feelings they continue to have towards people who believe in the Torah IS the Kiddush Hashem.

XXXXXXXX said: And then recording it all in writing and davka putting it in a tag on a website where the vast majority of people who will see it are not frum and likely don’t even personally know a frum person in many cases? There’s a chillul Hashem here, but it wasn’t the wedding.

Take a look at every post in my blog, babe. They're all tagged the same. They've always been tagged the same, going back to my very first post in 2016.

I started it that way because if I ever decided to deviate in a post, I wanted to be able to reference my own posts with relevant hashtags. At the time, I didn't know where things would go (if anywhere) with this blog and wanted that option. And again, in the beginning it was intended to reach an audience of possibly likeminded people who could commiserate with me. At this point, I hardly even think about the hashtags. Hell, one of them is #i am the shidduch crisis. I'm fairly certain I'm the only one who uses that one...

Saying that I davka went out of my way to post something offensive in a place where it would incite anger is just absurd. And if that post is offensive simply by existing in the Jewish zeitgeist, then so is every other thing I've posted and tagged the same way, considering the majority of my life experiences and writings are heavily negative, yet this was the ONLY post of mine she's ever responded to. And most of my posts have maybe two likes and zero comments, so most of the jumblr world couldn't care less either, apparently.

I unfortunately did not take screenshots of my responses to her in the comments, so I don't recall exactly what I said... but it was something along those same lines.

I think we also need to have a conversation about what a chillul Hashem actually is.

Desecration of God's name.

Or using God's name in vain.

You know... kiiiiind of like an incongruous priestly benediction or a bracha levatalah. Or nine of them. (Or 100 of them if you consider that most of the attendants also said the blessings using Hashem's name inappropriately...)

XXXXXXXX said: Wow. You have a very, very close-minded view of the world. Also, not sure if you understand how this website works. When you tag something jumblr, you aren’t just sharing it with 2 followers, you’re sharing it with everyone who follows that tag. By tagging it that way, you are ACTIVELY spreading it to a wider audience. Yeah, it’s your life and you can record it however you want, but you don’t get to pretend that putting something into the public sphere as an Orthodox Jew doesn’t impact how people view Orthodox Jews.

So now my tiny pixel of the internet is responsible for how the whole world views Orthodox Jews. Mkay.

Yes, words have power.

Yes, what I say and put out into the world matters.

Yes, I look to commiserate with people who get it.

But no, I'm not responsible for what people choose to read or ignore.

And again, I hardly even think about the hashtags when I apply them. It's just kind of rote at this point and, again, despite me using the exact same hashtags since 2016, my audience is still basically two people.

The hashtag jumblr has hundreds, if not thousands of posts on it. And people post things there that are offensive to me, but that doesn't mean they're offensive to everyone. If they can post their thoughts, I can post mine too. You can't please everyone.

All of these posts are like greeting cards on a rack at the grocery store. Using a hashtag is like giving it a category like "Birthday" or "Uncle's Retirement." You don't have to read all of them. Literally nobody is forcing you to. If you see one you don't like, put it back and move on with your life.

And again, my posts are usually so insanely long that most people don't have the time or attention span to read them. (Hell, I rarely do when I'm looking back over my own writings for things.) And so, these posts are not for them. They're essentially a diary of my experiences, and everyone experiences things differently. That's totally fine. I don't know why you have to get all up in arms about that just because I see the world differently than you.

It's also kiiiiind of hypocritical to tell me that I have to see the world the same way as you and in the same breath tell me that my relatives don't have to see the world the same way I do.

I did mention in one of my responses how interesting it was that she chose THIS out of aaaaaaaalllllll my 40 posts here on tumblr as the only one to respond to, despite my using the same hashtags since post #1. And that's when this one came:

XXXXXXXX said: And ftr I have replied to other posts of yours before…I’m sorry you don’t recall, but I don’t have to reply to every post you ever write to earn the ability to protest when you put something reprehensible out into, again, the public sphere consisting mostly of Jews who do not have much direct experience with Orthodoxy and whose negative views of that brand of Judaism you are actively reinforcing.

But no, honey, no you haven't. You know how I know? Cuz I checked. You've literally never commented on a single post of mine ever before.

You know what you HAVE responded to?

ONE comment that I made on one of YOUR posts.

That's it.

Ze hu.

Also, you don't have to reply to every post I ever write to "earn" the ability to protest when I write something you disagree with, but some kind of prior relationship would be helpful instead of literally coming out of left field with hostility.

I mean, I followed her, but she never followed me. I didn't even know I was anywhere on her radar.

It's also interesting to me that I'm actively reinforcing negative views of Orthodoxy by being confused by the inconsistencies of people who claim Judaism matters to them, yet have such a lack of respect for what Torah and being Jewish actually means.

Why does being Jewish even matter if you're not going to do anything that shows even one ounce of respect for anything of the tradition of Judaism? We're more than bagels and smear, my dear.

If they wanted to have a secular service, I wouldn't have cared!

If they just wanted a party for family and friends and to exchange vows despite being legally married already, I wouldn't have cared!

Ok, I would have cared a little. It would have been sad, but I wouldn't have written a whole post about it.

And it's baffling to me that someone of Torah values wants me to just ignore the fact that my irreligious family is basically laughing off the whole religious thing as a meme and not something of deep significance for our people.

Intermarriage, especially when it comes to the offspring who THINK they are Jewish but ARE NOT has ramifications***. It literally would have been better if she'd never attempted a conversion at all. Because at least then there'd be honesty, and their kids would know they're not Jewish. This entire thing is built on sheker.

My aunt was literally laughing at the fact that they'd have to remind the non-Jewish relatives to not add crab to a crab cake for a bris. Like, whatttt!?

Just as an aside, these are the same relatives who, when LittleBean was barely a year old and LilSis took her out of her onesie and put her in a bib so she could eat without making a mess at a family event, started making strip club sounds, whooping, and pretending to fling dollar bills. AT AN 11 MONTH OLD.

So, I'm sorry you're offended by my take on the situation. As I said, my content is not for everyone. It's not meant to be and most people won't even read it, so I couldn't really care less.

But all of this was also coming from someone who posts condescending, negative stuff ALL. THE. TIME.

I guess the only difference is that she... doesn't use the hashtag jumblr? Cuz it's not like any of her content isn't public and can't be found by irreligious Jews on tumblr and associated with Orthodoxy or anything... *insert confused shrug gif here*

I could post examples, but I'm trying to be respectful of her block and not cause further machlokes. (Lawd, give me strength...)

Regardless, my message to her from my second account was basically combatting the claim that she had responded to posts of mine in the past ("the lie detector determined THAT was a lie").

I mentioned that it seemed like due to that fact alone that something I wrote was a trigger for her and I was willing to have an actual conversation about why she was triggered. (Mostly for my own edification. My intention with my posts isn't to trigger people and although I'm not responsible for their mental health, if there's something I can do to improve the way I express things I'm open to hearing about it, whether or not I choose to implement it later.)

And I said that if she wasn't interested we could chock it all up to a difference of view and opinion and move on with our lives.

I also mentioned that I bear no ill will towards my relatives who mock the Torah, nor do I bear ill will towards her for her responses towards me and my post.

I started with "Hiya" and ended with "K'siva v'chasima tova." I all-capsed some words to emphasise my points, but think it was otherwise a respectful message.

But she instead hit back with: You can't see my previous comments on your posts *because I've blocked you.* Bizarre that you recognized that was the reason for replies to one post disappearing but didn't make the connection to the rest. Regardless, I don't think you're actually open to having an actual conversation about this topic if your only interpretation of a non-Orthodox rendition of a Jewish wedding is one of "mocking."

No "hi," no "clearly we're both defensive of our positions" or anything, just straight in with a thinly veiled "you're an idiot."

Because it's not like I'm smart enough to use a second account where her comments ARE visible to check and see if she's commented on any of my other posts or anything... Nope, I'm just a moron. Mkay.

Also, I have more than one interpretation of non-Orthodox renditions of Jewish weddings. It literally depends on the context. If they'd been respectful, I would have too. But hon, you weren't there. Soooo.... yeah, my interpretation was the same as my non-denomination GayUncle and his lapsed CatholicHusband's interpretation - it was a sham. Seems there was a consensus among at least a few of us about that, and we don't have remotely the same values or world views at all.

Hell, I once went to a Bucharian wedding for two baalei teshuva who don't have frum families that was vastly different from anything I'd ever experienced before and even THAT made more sense to me that the disjointed mess I experienced this past Sunday.

She then said: These people were not raised with your knowledge base or experiences. They are just getting through life the best they can, and the fact that they ACTUALLY BOTHERED TO HAVE A JEWISH WEDDING instead of doing something completely disconnected from Judaism or letting the legal wedding be the beginning and end of it should show you that they...actually do care. The jump from "these people aren't doing things how I would do them" to "these people hate and mock Judaism" is an absurdly and depressingly cynical one and I just don't think there's a productive conversation to be had if that's how you think about these things.

They "actually do care" about... what?

If they "actually do care" they'd do things properly. And by properly I mean traditionally. And by traditionally I mean the way that even my non-denominational GayUncle and his lapsed CatholicHusband recognize as correct.

They are not "just getting through life the best they can." They're doing things "uniquely."

I mean, you wanna talk privilege... that's it right there, babe.

But I'm open to a "change my mind" segment. Just because I view things in an "absurdly and depressingly cynical" way doesn't mean that with a conversation I couldn't be swayed to see things her way.

Unfortunately, she chose anger and hostility and to block me instead.

Like, babe, you don't know my life.

You've clearly never cared enough to chime in before, so I guess what I've written previously wasn't so offensive as to incite a response from you in the past. But ok.

There was no "hey, this sounds incredibly negative, are you sure this is content you want to put out into the world?"

Or "I don't know if you're aware, but this is directed at a large audience who probably don't see things the same way and you may want to change how you phrase things."

Or "just so you know, these kinds of views may not be well received by the people who use these hashtags, so you may want to change or remove them."

It was just "you're an awful person for the way you see things."

Which means you don't know my lived experiences or what has caused me to have this outlook on life.

You know what's a great way to learn those things? By having an actual conversation. *shocked pikachu face*

But no, she's way happier dismissing me entirely.

And you know what, that's fine. Because again, this content is not for everyone and it's clearly not for her. For everything else, there's Mastercard.

So, if you read this far, then maybe this is the content for you. If so, welcome! I'd love to have you here. Just be warned, a lot of it is dark and often cynical.

Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions on what I have to say. Or don't. Ghosts are also welcome!

And if you've read this far and decided this greeting card isn't for you, just stick it back on the rack and move along. That's really ok too.

-LivelyHeart

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***I wanted to add this into the post, but it didn't really match with the flow. There was a story that came out of Israel like a year or so ago about a family of missionaries posing as Jews. And based on what I read and heard, it seems that the way they were able to infiltrate the frum community was by receiving a gett.

I don't recall all the details exactly, but I think the husband had been married previously or something and he was able to acquire a gett for a marriage that didn't have a kesuba, but he was then able to use that gett as proof of being a religious Jew that then allowed him to not only make aliyah, but also end up in a position as a community rav and mohel. So, this non-Jewish, Christian missionary with a frum-looking wife and children with peyos was giving brissim to frum boys.

So when I say these kinds of things have ramifications, I'm being 10000% serious.

WifeLizzy IS NOT JEWISH. But she thinks she is. Which means their children will believe they're Jewish too. This is no joke. Who even knows what kind of ripples that will have on future generations?

Literally, Moshiach now.

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crowsandmurder · 1 month

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It's not meant to be harsh, but I do have rules beyond the rules when it comes to Jax.

With waking Jax back up, there are boundaries that I need to have on this blog. I am sure they are on his original blog: redwoodteller or possibly earlier on this blog. This is not about you, it's about me keeping my sanity and experience when it comes to writing Jax and what comes with having an attractive FC.

I don't mind writing with OC's or crossovers but it is a case by case basis. I have to have a solid backstory, why they would cross paths, and there will still be times that I say no. I just am very picky with Jax.

It comes with the territory, but dark and adult themes will apply usually. Sons of Anarchy is violent, Jax is violent as hell in the later seasons and he also deals with his feelings often, sexually. I don't always tw: but with Jax, I will TW anything people request. I already tw: slur, violence, gore, nsfw with him. I won't change who he is for anyone but you can filter it. He's not big on the slurs, doesn't really use the n one ever, but the w one that many people hate because of slut shaming happens frequently. He's the VP/President of a biker club, whose legitimate businesses are brothels and porn.

My default ship is not Jax/Tara. I have one Tara who I've written with for nearly ten years, and we write solely on Discord with, and another who I have written with, for a long time. Any other ones is really a case by case with me. There is a lot of issues that I have with Tara, and the people I've chosen to write with, tend to agree that she can be problematic at times.

I don't auto-ship ever, with him. He'll sleep with someone, but it's so much harder to get close. When it comes to canons, I do like Jax/Lyla a lot, Jax/Wendy, as well as Jax/Colette from Season 6 and Jax/Winsome in Season 7. But, I am open to things. It just has to make sense, and you just have to understand that he doesn't instantly fall in love. Season 7, which is my favorite season, it will take a very long time.

I used to say I wouldn't change Jax' characterization for my own mother, and well, I don't have my mom now, and I still wouldn't. I recently finished a rewatch but had been unable to watch for around 3 years. SOA has always been my therapy show but I needed to get a healthier relationship with it. But, I don't know where I'm at with that. Right now, Jax is easy for me and I'll likely start a rewatch again, once I finish my latest One Tree Hill rewatch. All that said, I am very very hardcore canon, for the timeline. I don't AU the ending really ever, because it's always what Jax wanted > what anyone else wanted. It's a take it as it comes but I am super strict on his characterization. I have 14 handwritten journals on characterization on Jax, before I ever brought him to tumblr in 2013 and more in a word file.

That said, it's not hard to write with Jax. I just don't alter him for anyone and don't make any promises. Also, replies on him sometimes take a little longer, on and off discord. I am also more than willing to write him on Tumblr, as well as Discord.

I don't really accept OC children of his, except in rare circumstances.

#✖ [ooc]#✖ [Character: Jax Teller]

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aimai-ronri · 3 years

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Reworking the Fuzzy Gaming Quest

This is the first time I've ever blogged publicly about something like this. I usually talk to friends about it, but I just as often don't say anything, because when I talk about video-games I get hyperfocused and sometimes the conversation takes a long time, so I often feel like it's a bit rude to get people wrapped up in it. But I remembered I have a tumblr now and people actually blog on here sometimes, so: prepare to suffer.

To set up why I'm so weird about games allow me to explain: first of all, I'm obviously not neurotypical in some way I don't know but one day would like to figure out. SECOND, I've been playing video-games literally since I can remember. My first real memories of cognition are watching my dad put cartridges in the NES, and climbing on the bed to put our Thai bootleg cart in there myself so I could play weird sprite hacks of Super Mario Bros. So anyway, gaming has factored heavily in my life since the beginning.

Anyway long story short, this has led to, for a long time, me wanting to leave some kind of legacy behind me in the form of a trail of beaten-up old video-games. Often this takes the form of just wanting to curate out a collection (physical or unholy--I mean digital) that I can leave behind in some state of completion, but on top of that it comes as me wanting to sit down and truly spend time with the games that are most important to my history over the course of my lifetime.

This has led to me making innumerable 'systems' for approaching the task of having a humongous backlog of video-games (some might say longer than is completable than anyone in a life time, and I recognize this) and often these systems get replaced or revised for being inadequate in some way. The latest no-thought system on my part was the Fuzzy Gaming Quest, in which the goal was basically to play through games starting from the beginning of time and blasting through at hyper-speed, with the intention of covering as much ground in order to induce familiarity as fast as possible with arcade games from an era I've rarely played (but longed for in my old man's soul).

This was working but I quickly ran into a snag (after recording about 250 videos 😥): I wasn't spending as much time with individual games as I'd like by any means. On one hand, I was backlogging games I was enjoying just to get them out of the way and continue the progress. On the other, sometimes I wasn't sure how much time you'd even spend with a game to consider yourself familiarized enough to rank it in some way, without necessarily having to beat everything (who has the time?). Not to mention arcade games that have no viable ending for the regular player (Pac-Man, Galaga, etc).

So anyway all this is leading up to me explaining the next iteration of the Fuzzy Gaming Quest. Here's a picture!

What you're looking at is essentially a 7 day scoreboard for various games that I selected out as important during my previous pass through the 70s and most of the 80s. These are all games I wanted to play more of or possibly log in a list.

7 days is my naive answer to how long I think would be good to spend on a game, in order to get competent enough at it to get a decent score and/or feel you've experienced your average game enough to go ahead and put it somewhere in a list. It might seem like overkill for a simple arcade game (though I'd argue you need to play repeatedly and give your brain time to absorb it to get the true experience), and it may seem like underkill for an RPG (though I'd argue that most RPGs probably aren't changing much more if you've been playing for 7 days already, but this doesn't forbid from continuing to play if I choose to), but this is my naive and probably flawed answer, anyway.

This is meant to serve the purpose of: - Progressing reasonably fast (notice this is a list of basically banger games everyone has heard of, I will probably only include a few games here or there that are lesser known that I just happen to like--I'll also be avoiding some consoles intentionally that I don't particularly like (like the Odyssey 2, sorry, it's my list though--convince me otherwise if you like)) - Filtering into some kind of "best of" list (if I don't even want to play it for 7 days (in brief sessions), it must not be very good after all and doesn't deserve to be on any best of list I would leave behind me--games that I do get through the 7 days I should understand enough to rank competently enough to make myself happy) - Giving me an excuse to spend more time on the games that really matter to me, today, in case I get hit by a bus tomorrow - Giving me a target for when I'm able to comfortably say I've experienced a game enough and don't need to feel bad about moving on if I want to but still haven't "beat it," and also leaving room for playing more if I like (I can sort it, take it off the board, but finish it anyway on the DL) (Also, if I do beat it, I can stop there with the board) - Satisfying whatever kind of ADHD thing I have going on by allowing me to keep a variety of games on rotation for some amount of time and not just getting stuck behind one game at a time - Breaking game experiences down over multiple days to allow a longer time to think about them and grow accustomed to them, also to allow me to fit them into my busy schedule by playing Space Invaders on the toilet for ~10 minutes - To leave behind a journal of high scores or information about how far I got in various games as I plod on

So, you may (rightly) ask: What's the point of all this? Why can't I just play games that I like and call it a day?

Well my first answer would be, "shut up I know you're right I just can't, my brain is broken," but my second answer, the one I would say aloud, might be that I really have always wanted to take a targeted approach to going through all of game history and that's what this is in service of.

I have no false expectations about getting all the way through game history up to now in one lifetime, at least not without sacrificing a lot of games in the process. I definitely won't ever get to the point where I'm always keeping up with contemporary games. It's lucky for me that I mostly fell out of favor with games around 2011 for various reasons, but really it had been a steady decline of interest since about 2005 or so. I have a shorter-hand target, but if I were to ever reach it, I'd like to keep going on, even if it means playing PS4 games in 2061 when I'm almost as old as my dad is now.

Anyway, your second question (and wow, if you made it this far) might be: "so what does this mean for your tumblr, which I care about intimately after seeing 20 posts, and was gutted when you temporarily took a break, and have been looking for meaning in my life ever since?"

Well, true believer, if you want I might post my 7 day high-score for various arcade games or something along with some pictures or videos of high points of the game (when I get to games complicated enough to have cool art). I haven't decided yet. I'm open to suggestions! I'd love to see people try to (and succeed!) at beating my scores (I'd feel like I influenced someone into maybe playing some old, great game they wouldn't have before deciding to just then).

If nothing else I hope it was interesting to see my thought process about this stuff.

If that's not true, I hope you were entertained by a write up of someone's journey ever deeper into video-game delirium.

And yes, I will get frustrated with the system and change it again in approximately a month.

#long post #fuzzy-gaming-quest #spreadsheet #video games #retro games #rambles #crazy guy talks about video games

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vagabond-sol · 4 years

Text

Innocent or Guilty: Cazhim

Asked someone to marry you?

"Hah? A romantic are you? Well, No. I can't say that I have. My partner knows how I feel with or without a ring. Though If we ever retire...perhaps." Cazhim appears tickled by your question though his expression grows more thoughtful towards the end.

Kissed one of your friends?

"Yea. Several years back during the early years of my adventuring I had a different partner. A Miqo'te girl. After a while she said she wanted to sort some things out and being young and confused myself, I agreed. We got as far as a kiss but agreed that more wasn’t for us. We still talk but I'm pretty sure she's takin more of a liking to Viera women." Cazhim smiles and shakes his head. Clearly the two have quite a history.

Danced on a table in a bar or tavern?

"I prefer to watch the entertainment rather than be it. Besides those tables are for food not feet." Cazhim folds his arms as he gives his answer. Perhaps his meal has been the victim of a misplaced dance step or two? Might be best not to ask.

Ever told a lie?

"Of course. Though I find it easier to omit the truth rather than come up with a lie. Keep em’ guessing. That's fun for all involved." He said, leaning forward in his chair as a rather mischievous grin crept across his face.

Had feelings for someone you can't have?

Cazhim tilted his head in minor confusion "No. Though I don't get all that romantic easily anyway."

Ever kissed someone of the same sex?

"Oh! I suppose I was not clear earlier. Xavier is my partner in combat but we are dating as well. We have been together for some time now so I can safely say we are both guilty of that. Cazhim readily replies. His smile a touch warmer than before. He seems pleased to speak more about his partner.

Kissed a picture?

"I have. Sometimes our tasks or...circumstances can keep Xavier and I apart. It helps." Cazhim answers, looking down at his hands for a moment. Clearly these circumstances he mentioned were less than pleasant. Maybe another question to lighten the mood?

Slept until 5pm?

"Hah. Never. Need to make the most of the daylight while we can right? Besides, I need to be awake to put together a proper meal for a certain scholar when he overworks himself again." He responds with his usual simper and calm tone. His mood seems to have improved a touch.

Worked at a restaurant?

"Yea...once." He chuckled, internally deciding how much to explain. "Lets just say that Momodi is a very kind woman and was nice enough to let me pay a debt with work rather than gil."

Stolen Something?

As Cazhim takes a sip of the tea he prepared he simply points at the spherical Allagan droid floating by from time to time. "Does that count? I mean they weren't using it."

Been fired from a job?

"Nope. Though I'm sure I've gotten close once or twice at the Leatherworking Guild." He replies, looking off in to space as if remembering no small amount of close calls he may or may not have had.

Done something you regret?

"Just once and I intend to keep it that way." His gaze meets yours and lingers. You know better than to push for more details.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose?

Cazhim almost chokes on the tea he was drinking at the time as he hears the question. "N-no. Don't worry about it."

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?

"I have but I don't think I get the appeal. Its much more fun to just eat a handful, right?" He replied, obviously looking for validation.

Sat on a roof top?

"Often! Though the climb is the more interesting part...most of the time. There's almost always a fantastic view at the top as well! I think I have a few sketched here..." Cazhim begins pulling out a journal filled with notes and half-decent sketches of various places he's been. He seems eager to share.

Kissed someone you shouldn't have?

"...I believe we've covered this territory, my friend." He gives a slight nod with his answer but nothing more.

Sang in the shower?

"More of the humming type myself." he says with a smirk on his face.

Been pushed into a body of water?

"Many have tried....Many have failed." He answers as he relaxes back into his chair. His grin grows wider as he remembers past conquests.

Shaved your head?

"Gods no! I don't even want to think about it." Cazhim quickly responds, briefly running a hand through his short but well kept hair.

Made a boyfriend / girlfriend cry?

"I hope not, but I imagine if I ever shave my head I just might. Bleh!" It is clear both this question and the last are incredibly displeasing to him. Perhaps a new topic?

Shot a gun?

"Oh ho yes! Let me show you something." Cazhim stands up and excitedly leads you to a side room filled with boxes of tools, raw materials and a desk cluttered with a variety of design documents. "I dabble in the Machinist trade. I much prefer spit balling designs with the Boss back at Skysteel but every experiment needs a test phase! You should stop by the factory. The Boss always likes seeing new faces."

Still loved someone you shouldn't?

"No, but I can't say I've loved that many people. Especially not romantically." He seems more caught up in reorganizing his workshop then this particular question.

Have a tattoo?

"Not my thing. Clashes with my scales. I've seen some pretty cool ones on the other monks around though. Maybe I could engrave my revolver with one..." His focus is barely there. Perhaps it would be best to relocate.

Liked someone, but will never tell?

"Eh, life's too short for that. Might as well take your shot while you can. Worry too much and you're likely to make yourself sick with regret" He replies over his shoulder as he leads you back to the living room.

Been too honest?

"Honesty has never been an issue. As I said omission is a powerful tool." His mischievous smile returns along with his focus on your questions.

Ruined a surprise?

"Can't say that I have, luckily."

Been told you were beautiful by someone who totally meant it?

"A few times. It's nice to hear...even if its almost always out of the blue nowadays. Xavier tends to do that." He says with a warm smile on his face.

Stalked someone?

"Eh yea actually. A friend of mine had a hunch about one of our clients. Thought they weren't giving us all of the details. She was most certainly right. Luckily we sorted everything out."

Thought about murder?

"I assume you're referring to something more scandalous than what goes on in battle. If so: No. I've kept very few loose ends that need that kind of...attention." His tone makes it clear he is not pleased by this sort of question.

How about mass murder?

Cazhim stares at you for a moment before replying "I see no circumstance where I would need to."

Cheated on someone.

"No" he says almost before you finish speaking. He quickly downs his tea before standing to make more.

Gotten so angry that you cried?

"Yes, my friends are talented, dedicated and not afraid to risk life and limb at the drop of a hat. However; that doesn't always mean things will go their way. Sometimes it gets the in trouble. The sort of trouble I can't pull them back from..." He says while prepping a kettle. He does not turn to face you but you can tell a bad memory is on his mind.

Tried to stay away from someone for their own good?

"No. Only for my own good. Briefly." He says before placing another cup before you. He does not seem inclined to elaborate.

Thoughts about suicide?

Cazhim simply begins sipping from his own cup. A moment passes before waving a dismissive hand in your direction. Your question goes unanswered.

Had a girlfriend or boyfriend?

Cazhim scoffs but not with ill intent. "How about I say this instead. Yes, Xavier is the only person I've ever dated. Everything before has been more...temporary."

Gotten totally drunk during a holiday?

"I'm not much of a drinker. A spiked lemonade or a sip of spiced wine at most but that's mostly just for others who may get the wrong impression if I don't eat or drink at all."

Whoa! Okay well that was loooong but fun! Helps me flesh out Caz's personality. I hope who ever decides to read this has fun and if you really like it then why not try it yourself? Thanks for tagging me: @windup-scholar Stop by their blog to see even better OC stuff. From Art to asks like this one. See ya.

#FFXIV rp #ffxiv #Cazhim Delrune #Cazhim #long ask #long read #oc #roleplay #oc asks #ffxiv shadowbringers #updated

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mythharvester · 3 years

Text

Over the next three weeks I intend to journal my dreams and use the info and my interpretations as the basis for a short story entitled Walking In My Shoes. Each day I will probably be a chapter and I will eventually post each chapter.

Chapter One DAY ONE - What A Year.

He woke to the ping of his mobile phone going off. Resisting the urge to immediately check the phone Cassidy tried to centre himself. He must have nodded off reading, his Ipad was next to him. The room was dark and peaceful but the pull of technology got to him and he reached over to check his messages. It was 10:30, he had a new message. "HAPPY New Year! Not quite there yet, they probably decided they won't make it to midnight so triggered the message early.

Still it was 10-30 on December 31. 2020 was all but done, a year that will go down in history no doubt, a year that even the youth will remember, the year the world shutdown. As he lay in the dark an urge popped into his head, he Laughed at the notion that even his thoughts had a Scottish accent. (say a wee prayer for everybody big yin don't be shy, its been a hard yin for everybody, it's no goin tae dae ye any herm ). He Laughed again at the fact he was having a debate with himself then he closed his eyes and asked for the right words.

Thank you heavenly father for the challenges you have provided us this year. Please accept our brothers and sisters who have departed us into your loving arms. Continue to shine your light on those who dedicate themselves to providing support, assistance and solutions to those who require their attention. Thank you for guiding us to a working vaccine. Lastly holy father, please continue to shower us with your holy spirit so that more of us can walk a path of empathy, understanding, compassion, forgiveness, humility and unconditional love. Thy will be done.

Ping, whose this one from? Happy New Year.

He dragged his attention away from the phone and focused his thoughts on reflection. "The year that was! How did he feel about his year? Was he happy how it unfolded? What were the main changes he had noticed? Did he feel like he moved forward?

As he pondered over the year he felt a shift almost like a synchronisation as he connected with his truth.

Overall it had been a fantastic year. Ok, that book is still not written, but from a spiritual point of view he has moved forward dramatically and he was writing blogs and maybe honing his skills. He felt happy and at peace. The first shift he recalled Happened in May. It creeped up on him a bit, and he did not realise it till September when he was reading about it. He stopped worrying about stuff. Kay serra serra. The second shift happened in October, the power of intention at work. 10 months of setting intentions to, be a beacon of light, be kind, compassionate, forgiving, non-judgmental and he noticed himself consciously stepping around insects, his natural instinct to seek to kill any fly or spider in the room was gone. No longer squashing ants that find there way onto his office desk. Being in tune to the oneness of nature.

So what now its a new year, 2021, a new beginning, where to now? Honestly he thought I'm still a long way from Enlightenment and truthfully he was not sure he wanted to get that high up the mountain. Fact is he would be satisfied if in 2021 he reached a level of joy, of unconditional love, the level of healing.

As he Lay on his bed, the room still dark, breathing deeply, relaxing he could feel the Project Manager in him butting into the room.

Lets map out what worked for you in 2020. So the list began.

His four anchors:

• Maybe- the importance of acceptance, detachment from

outcome. Good news, bad news, Maybe, smile, this

too shall pass. Good fortune can also change so make it a simple process to release stuff. Live life with a mind open to anything.

• Frozen-emotions can be really powerful chains to

break away from. If we hold a glass of water at arms length it is not a burden, however 6 hours Later our arm is shaking, emotions are worse if we hang on to anger, jealousy, resentment we get bitter. Frozen is the cartoon-its about the song. Let it go. More of Wayne Dyers 10 principles, "There are no justified resentments and you can't give what you don't have. (if you squeeze an orange you get orange juice, squeeze an angry person you get anger.) Fill yourself with love what will come out when you get squeezed? Let it go! Forgive and moves on. Let it go.

• Is that so- increase the gap between stimulus

and response, don't react, don't defend yourself or your opinions, you don't need to prove you are right, to win. Acceptance, we are all one, I see you brother and I see God's high in you.

• Edith Pieff-No regrets, there is no such thing

as a bad decision, only the best choice available to us at that time. Sing it Edith.

What else worked? The long drive Mondays and Fridays and taking the opportunity to listen to audiobooks. In fact being informed that the the New Testament vibrates over 700 and that keeping things that vibrate that high close raises your own vibration is the reason I've been sleeping next to it and reading it.

Then there was using cards to set daily intentions in line with his quest to raise his vibration.

It still surprises him how, more often than not the card he pulls is so pertinent to what is going on at the time.

Oh and obviously there are the fundamentals of meditation and prayer. Find silence, find God? and ask and it is given, Dear Lord, how may I serve, why am I here? how can I help raise the consciousness level?

Enjoying lying back on the bed in the dark he thought the List is getting a bit long but he believed the little writing course he did deserved to be in there. It got him back on track with his writing but more importantly the fact that some of the others got him interested in Angels and spirit guides. (Live life with a mind open to anything) It led in his belief to the second shift. Talking to them as part of his bedtime ritual asking for guidance led to some surprising synchronicity.

He checked his watch 11.45 almost midnight, almost a new year, almost 2021, a new beginning. he felt alive and his thoughts went through the motions of his strategies and connections that helped him make the progress in 2020. More of the same was his initial thought, but as usual with thoughts his brain filled with with the cry-You can't solve a problem at the level it was created. You need a breakthrough, a new teacher. In a world where 78% of the population calibrate below the level of integrity and only 4% get to where you want to go or higher you are going to need something else to help get to the next camp on the mountain. As the relaxed and focused on his breaths he knew there was something he was missing. Like those times you maybe know a song, its on the tip of your tongue but, it's not there. The one that jumps into your head 3 hours later and slaps you in the face.

He focused on his breathing, in breath, out breath. Ping, Happy New Year, Midnight or in Scotland, the Bells. As his thoughts wandered to his homeland it came to him. The audio book on rising up the calibration scale. What the orator said. "In my experience progression to this level comes after the person manages to open their third eye.

Six days Later he woke to the alarm, time to get up for work, another crazy dream? He thought it was similar to the previous 5 nights. Since new year! Was there something in that? He had been asking his angels, spirit guides, and higher self for guidance and assistance to help open his third eye.

Showered and dressed in his hi-vis protective clothing he absentmindedly picked up his deck of Angel cards and started shuffling. He stopped and pulled his card for the day. His card was Dreams. It always makes him Laugh when it happens (thinking about a subject, pull that card). He pulled the book to find out what the card meant. Turns out the universe was involved, The angels want him to record his dreams so he will remember the messages they will deliver to him. Are these messages going to enable him to open his third eye? Will this be a case of when the student is ready the teacher appears?

Later that evening he meditated for a while and got into bed. Holy Father, my guardian angels, my angels, spirit guides, my higher self and ascended masters I give you permission to join me in my dreams and please guide me and help me to clear and unblock my Chakras and open up my third eye. Help me to remember my dreams and to interpret any signs or messages I need to help me on my journey. Thy will be done.

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