#I mostly just recount the bad inner monologue. So few posts are about What I Did Today (neutral to positive).

[wanderingandfound]

Oh. Hello grief. Wasn't expecting to see you tonight. Can you go away and come back later?

#Kinda an odd experience to be in the bathroom getting ready for bed and to watch myself hold back sobs like I'm trying to swallow food I #don't like. #At my granny's house being struck for the second time that I don't have any good memories of my other grandparents. (The first time was at #their memorial when I wanted to say something but had nothing to say/no story to recount). #People talk about memory loss due to trauma but I've had no trauma like that. #People talk about sleep being vital for memories but I've had a bad memory for my own life as long as I can remember. No pun intended. #Like there was a time before I was perpetually sick. And for a while I was perpetually sick without being perpetually tired. And I had #pretty much no memory then too. #It's why I've always meant to keep a journal. And this blog has been my biggest success at journaling and yet.... #I mostly just recount the bad inner monologue. So few posts are about What I Did Today (neutral to positive). #And what posts there are in the genre are years and years old. #My memory is like those old tiny-brained computers. My memories of people are usually just a fuzzy snapshot of the last time we were #together/on the phone. Everything prior gets overwritten. #Sometime in the past 8 years (since leaving high school) my granny got Old. #She's not doing well now (still more productive than me though) and like. I can't come up with an actual memory of Before. #I spent every single break with her this in excusable. #(Shit the tears came back.) #And like. As these thoughts always come back here: what do I and will I remember of my Mom? #(That she loves me. That's what I'll remember.) #personal