I can’t write trans poetry; I don’t feel like I’ve earned that right. I’ve only got the hair cut and the pronouns and the button-ups. I’ve always felt… like I’m not trans enough to speak on stuff like that.
but I looked in the mirror today and I think I’ve realized why my personal transition is so slow.
I haven’t cut my hair in years. Not a real cut anyway; I like being able to braid it. But today I combed my hair out and just to be silly brough my hair forward in a middle part, hiding my undercut.
my mirror became a time machine. I was looking at a photograph of myself when I was 16. Messy loose hair let down because it hurt to keep it in a ponytail any more, longer than i wanted it to be. I didn’t care about my hair; my mom always told the hairdresser to make it cute, bouncy.
In the fifth grade I got lice and she cut it short. I loved it. My sixth grade school picture is one of my favorites, in a little bob.
but my hair is long and i could watch as the light fled my eyes. I was that little girl again.
and damn it I was one of those kids that always knew something wasn’t quite right, but I was also one of those girls who got called tomboy. I was just not like other girls. and of course it made sense I hated dresses, of course I was going to want jeans.
I had no idea not being a girl was an option, so I was just…. so insidiously unhappy. I didn’t know why, I didn’t understand that my ecstasy of finally cutting my hair when I was 17 was not just the joy of new hair cut, but my god, with my hoodie on you could almost pretend.
It’s fucking horse shit that the default is a slow, crawling agony and you have to seek out ways you don’t even know exist to make it stop.
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„It is what it is. I’m fine, like always.“
Bro. You have the addiction gene. You either feel nothing for weeks or you feel too much. You get attached to easily. All you want is validation. You sleep until 2pm. You’re not fine. ☺️
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Me: idk I’m just not as interested in watching m/f couples like everything I like has already been done so many times and I don’t really see more interesting things explored very often, id just really prefer to see more diverse couples right now
Also me, watching a man give a woman his jacket:
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crying while sheets in the wash 👎 nowhere to burrow
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oh and i had the end of a champagne bottle and a martini and am about to watch hi fidelity bc i need some john cusack and jack black in my life
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The English written language is stupid as fuck.
And in my caffeinated, sleep deprived state of hubris I went from 5 vowels to 12 and from 21 consonants to 23.
YOU'RE WELCOME
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Y'know, I'm in high school and I've seen so many people saing how it is hell on earth and like, true, but for me it's really nothing different from the rest of my life. I'd even consider this a step up cause at least nobody hates me and I no longer live with an abusive father with no way to escape.
So like, besides my constant anxiety and sleep deprivation I think I'm doing good 👍
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well im gonna vent here every fucking day
sorry bear with me my love ill be gone soon.
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"nah doc, I'm aight"
*hasn't had the mental/emotional energy to voluntarily listen to even 1 new song in at least 7 months*
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sometimes, self care is eating an entire pint of ice cream by yourself after therapy only to start crying bc the plastic spoon you've been dedicated to for about a month decided to snap in half
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Sometimes a ship is really good not because I want to see them kiss or whatever because I just want to see some absolutely unhinged nonsense. In a way that’s like. Fun.
Glados will never ever have a normal relationship with Chell but I do want to see her get drunk on intentionally downloaded malware and fill up Chells answering machine with increasingly deranged messages culminating in a hiccuping rendition of You Wouldn’t Know. Chell deletes them without listening.
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