#I've spent the majority of my life with anxiety (especially social anxiety) and depression | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tilliwriteapine · 2 years

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So, my great friend and a childhood inspiration, Dave Griffin, reminded me that we have started Mental Illness Awareness month.

And I have multiple. Major Depression. Anxiety. Social Anxiety.

I have had anxiety since before I can remember. I would go to sleep away camp and wake up every morning and vomit. I would go away from my family or home and vomit every morning. I would later find out that this was a classic sign of anxiety. Thanks for giving me the deets, nursing school!

Depression hit me probably *during* nursing school, and I remember having a difficult time in college. Anxiety was also a huge factor. But I wasn't diagnosed with depression until post nursing school and I was living on my own and working my first full time job. I wasn't far from my parents (about an hour away, but in a very familiar area, Gladstone, OR), but my brain chemistry was definitely fucked up.

Got started on medication. I believe I changed medication right before I moved to North Dakota.

I upped the dose in ND, and even got a therapist because oh hey, I also had Social Anxiety. TERRIBLE social anxiety. It crippled my ability to really function outside of work (I have no idea how I kept my job. I am approachable to patients but not strangers on the street?!). I once went to Dairy Queen, ordered a basket, and got my food. Realized I didn't get my ice cream sundae. But instead of politely asking for what I paid for, I just couldn't. I literally fucking couldn't. And so I didn't get my ice cream. I remember talking to my therapist about that specific interaction and, while so kind and gracious, he was so confused on how I couldn't ask for what I had paid for. I was too 😅

It was during my 18 months in ND that I struggled, not just with social anxiety, but also my depression. While panic attacks are more anxiety driven, I believe they are also a sign of depression. And boy, did I suffer some intense panic attacks. I remember my first one ever - I had either been exercising or been doing something at the gym, got into my car, experienced some nerve wrecking thing, and broke down, crying and hyperventilating. I was a LITERAL disaster.

Shit didn't stop there. I also was severely suicidal. My therapist weekly would ask about this specific symptom, and if I had a means to harm myself. I never did, never had a plan. But I thought about it a little too much. Depression fucked with my brain so hard.

I tried finding a job more close to home - Seattle, back home in Portland - but was rejected countless times by places I greatly admired. I remember breaking down after a For King and Country concert, depressed I had spent my parents money to go home for three in person interviews and ended up with zero job offers. At that point I had put in my 4 weeks notice and was either moving home or moving somewhere.

I was graced with a job offer for PSL BMT in Denver, and my spirits lifted.

I have still struggled with Depression, but not as severely as it was in ND. I've changed my medication during this pandemic, and feel Wellbutrin is doing well.

medication is NOT the devil and it saved me from killing myself.

I still struggle, a TON, with anxiety. Especially recently. I am so uncertain about what I want to be happy and where I want to be in life. My crutch is school 😅 Go figure!

but I need whoever is reading this to know that mental illness is NOT a short coming of your failings. It is a disease of the brain. There are ways to manage mental illness: therapy, medications, cognitive behavioral techniques, books - everyone needs something fine tuned to THEM to walk through life functioning. There is situational issues, seasonal blocks, and other factors that may influence when and how a mental illness surfaces.

But please know you are LOVED, you are PRECIOUS, and you are VALUED!!!!

I am mentally ill. But mental illness does not control my life.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

#Mental illness #mental illness awareness month #awareness #depression #anxiety #social anxiety #life

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rain-in-the-clouds · 1 year

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I don't normally vent on this blog, despite it being my main, mostly I just try and share what I love and whatnot. But like so many my age, older and younger, I have a love/obsession/hatred of tiktok.

It's a fun app that can be so nice and a great place to build community, have fun and be silly. But my fucking gods, that is not what its like 99.99999% of the time. And no I know I'm no one special in saying any of this. But I gotta vent, and at least here I can scream into the void knowing if anyone is gonna scream back it's gonna be about something completely different and probably about cats, food, boobs, or Fandom, and honestly that's what makes this the best site.

Anyways, I've struggled with anxiety for the majority of my life, depression as a side helping, and a medley of other things. About six months before the pandemic my anxiety skyrocketed, I started having massive panic attacks every day multiple times a day. At one point it felt like I was just existing through the day to eventually deal with a night filled with the feelings of death.

It was awful, I was barely living.

This is a tangent, but if anyone knows the song Overkill by Colin Hay, I used to sing that song a lot as a kid, like 6-7 years old singing that song, one day to gorw up living the life the song depicts. The lyrics that stick with me: "I can't get to sleep. I worry over situations I know will be alright. Day after day it reapers, night after night my heart beat shows the fear."

It was night after night after night, months went by like this. By middle of 2020 I was.... I wasn't ok. A way I had helped myself during that time, before I got some help and the meds I need, I would use tiktok. Now I'd use its worst attributes to my gain.

It's short form content and use of short attention spans was, especially in the moment, very helpful for subduing (most of the time it just delayed the panic attack) but my goal was never to outright stop the panic attacks, cus I had no way to do that, but to distract my brain long enough to get tired and pass out. It worked for a good while. It especially worked for stopping an attack right as it was starting.

Fast forward to now. Just like prior to the panic attacks I use tiktok to have fun, goof around and see cool stuff, (don't get me wrong I'm all about activism, and I use tiktok like any other for that too, but that's for when I'm in a good place mentally) but now, idk it's like I've let it corrupt me. The past year especially, I've gotten into more arguments in tiktok comments then I've gotten into arguments irl, doesn't matter if the argument was valid or not or even worth arguing over.

And I know it's the internet, nothing stays innocent forever, yes I know. But what I'm saying is tiktok in particular has somehow become more toxic then the majority or surface level internet. To me, it seems like it's trying to become the next 4chan more then the next tumblr. And I had hopes that it was heading in the direction of this hellsite, the Fandom elements there, book lovers, science, all of it: seriously seeing people ask ScienceTok, or BookTok, just makes me flashback to the days of "Science side of tumblr what does xyz mean?"

But no, instead we get the love child of vine and 4chan, it's half cousin-brother reddit somehow looks better next to tiktok.

It's dumb, it really is, cus yes the simple answer is, get off tiktok. But it's not simple, my livelihood relies on social media, for many reasons, like many people. The answer I've been going with is limiting myself on time spent, and I've been successful, I go a week or two without even opening the app, then hop on to check in, post and get a good laugh. But somehow, even if it's just one day, it has the power, (that I give it by gods) to suck me in and make me mad at something, even if it is something to be mad about, doesn't mean it's something I have to let get so under my skin it causes this to happen, (the this being moving to my og site and venting my woes)

It's just such a disappointment. At least I'll always have tumblr.

#tiktok #tumblr #venting #but seriously #This has gotten out of hand #Why can't we have anything nice?#If I had polls I'd make a poll about it #it's just so frustrating #it makes me wanna cry

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