#I'm working on 45 minutes of sleep today like at this moment

[epickiya722]

[NOTE: This is long! This is an actual ask about Mineta and among other things that I thought maybe some of you may be interested in reading, but because the font is in orange (due to Tumblr glitching out on Anon and their autism) I'm posting it like this. I'm not too bothered by the color, but I'm sure there are others who may find it unreadable. Now, you do not have to read it. And if you do read it, you may comment or just send me an ask ONLY if you're polite. Don't attack anyone over this. No matter how you may feel about Mineta, BNHA, Horikoshi, a dog, a cat, ANYTHING or ANYONE... DO NOT BE DISRESPECTFUL. Please keep any of your comments that you know are rude to yourself. And now, you may proceed if you choose to.]

Horikoshi said once in some interview that mineta is essentially a self-insert. Coincidentally, early-mha horikoshi had some pretty pervy tendencies (much like mineta—probably why he thought it would be cool to have such a character never really face consequences). The most famous example of this is probably the girls hero costumes, most notably Yaoyorozu. He mentions in an aside very early on in the story (volume three or something?) that he can’t seem to help himself and her boob window always gets bigger every time he draws it. Then there’s uraraka saying she didn’t want such a tight costume, Hagakure being naked, etc. When the anime started airing there was another interview where he said he really appreciated them making uraraka curvier than in the manga, because he likes curvy women. One could also use midnight and mount lady as examples of this but I’d say it’s more of a way of discussing mature themes surrounding hero society and all of its consequences rather than actual sexualisation. Something that sets him apart, even at this early stage, from other shonen mangakas is that he doesn’t only do this to the women, but the men as well. If Yaoyorozus hero costume is revealing, what about kirishimas (this comparison is my favourite because they both need skin showing for their quirks to function well, so why is one considered bad and the other fine? Because one is a boy and one is a girl? Please keep in mind I am not trying to say that kirishima is sexualized. It’s just food for thought)? If urarakas suit is considered too tight, then look at all might. You could probably see the outline of his dick from fifteen yards away when he wears that costume. Then there’s mineta, who makes certain comments regarding the women in his class. But what about mount lady and how she treats shoto? Or one of the wild wild pussy cats asking the boys in class 1-A how old they are to see how long til she can marry them? Unlike basically every other shonen out there, the sexualisation (at least as far as I can tell) is not based in sexism. It’s across the board, and we only notice it more when it happens to women because we are used to it happening to women.

For a long time, I hated horikoshi for the same reasons I hated mineta (it was a love-hate relationship for obvious reasons). He was openly perverted and seemingly one of *those* guys. You know, the ones I’d be afraid to walk near after dark. Or before dark. But I still loved mha and really appreciated what he was doing within the story. As a side note, he writes the women very well, which is rare in shonen (again—love hate relationship with dear old horikoshi). But if you’ll notice, the farther along in the story you look, the less sexualisation there is. It’s gradual so you hardly notice, but compare volume four or five to volume thirty. The difference is stark. It’s not really that mineta has less lines (although since the war started that has been the case) he still talks, just differently.

I think what happened is, when mha started getting popular, horikoshi started seeing huge pushback to minetas character, which probably all came to a head when the anime made him say something super fucked up to eri. I don’t recall if it was in dub or sub or both, but reading back through the manga it’s a bit different and honestly could’ve been poor translation or my own misinterpretation. But in the anime it was clear what he meant. He can’t wait for eri to be older, for exactly the reason you’re thinking now. The process of horikoshi realizing his mistakes started long before this, though, and gradually you can watch him patch up the holes if you pay attention. The anime does a poor job of this, at least until season six. But around the time that season four ends (and this is present in the manga too) there is a scene of Mina tying mineta to a chair and forcing him to watch something. After that, the sexualisation in the manga is gone for good. I’d like to interpret this as horikoshi finalizing his realization and own personal character development. He is no longer pervy, just like mineta is no longer pervy.

The one exception to this rule is that infamous chapter cover. The one with Hagakure on the front? Yeah, when I saw that, it made me rethink all of this. For about two weeks I was convinced that I’d been wrong about it, and he really is just a pervert after all. But lo and behold, he said in an interview that he was running behind and didn’t have time to draw or pick a chapter cover. He handed a bunch of old concept art to one of the higher ups and told them to pick something. He said he was never expecting that drawing to see the light of day, and he figured they’d choose something a little more suited to the story. (A little fucked up that he drew that? Yes, I think so. But keep in mind, these are *old* drawings. People are allowed to change and, following this metric, I think horikoshi has changed quite a bit.)

All of this is to say, mineta is not really a bad person anymore, and also has incredible writing (whether it was purposeful from the beginning or a last minute change) which just goes to show how talented horikoshi really is.

#I'm working on 45 minutes of sleep today like at this moment #not kiya's thoughts #kiya answers #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #mineta minoru #minoru mineta #horikoshi kohei

[h4rring1on]

hello!! if you can and want, could you write some angst with steve x fem!reader in which reader feels insecure - in a way that she thinks she's annoying because she talks too much and sometimes too loud, and one day, steve has the party over for a movie night and one of the kids mention that she talks too much and she's too loud while steve goes into the kitchen for something (or to the bathroom, whatever). so from that moment on she tries to speak as little as possible until steve brings it up to her one day and comforts her about it.

i'm sorry if it's too specific, if you can't do it, it's alright! your writings are some of my favourites on tumblr!!! 🌼💗

you and steve never really had any major problems, little fights every now and then but it wasn’t big. you still loved each other, you completed each other

but sometimes, just sometimes, you’d wonder if you really did complete steve. moments like this would always come up, like you’d be play fighting with steve and you’d say “i’m gonna catch you!” a bit too loud

when that would happen, you’d quiet down, you’d be the same, just calmer and more quiet. steve never really notice it until one day, where it became way too clear for him not to.

you were with the party, everyone was wrapped around blankets, popcorn and snacks in hand as they watched the movie, steve was next to you, holding you close as you watched

“wait i don’t get it—how did all that happen when her boyfriend was just sleeping, he must’ve noticed, right?” you asked

“hm, don’t think so, it was outside so he couldn’t have heard it” steve explained

“ohh, yeah right” you said, steve then told you he was gonna go get more snacks from the kitchen

“that one’s my favorite” you pointed to the girl on the screen, you liked talking about the characters and movie overall

“oh my god” mike whined

“we get it, jesus” lucas said

“what the hell, guys?” dustin said

“im sorry dustin i cant take it anymore” mike said, “cant you go one minute without talking? it’s so annoying! we can barely hear the movie because of how loud you are!” mike rolled his eyes and dustin smacked him

“oh…i’m sorry” was all you said, you turned back to the movie and snuggled closer into your blanket, wishing you could hide under it forever. you wanted to disappear, to go away.

you zoned out as the scene kept replaying in your head, you knew it. you finally knew what they truly think of you, what they hate about you. and it was exactly what you hated about yourself

you felt steve sit next to you, making you snap back to reality

“got you your favorite” he smiled and gave you the bag, you slightly smiled and ate in silence

ever since that night, you barely spoke. when you’d visit steve, you’d just listen and nod when he’s speaking. only time you’d actually talk is when you had to give a verbal response.

even then, it was low and wasn’t the way you used to talk, it was worse when you were around the party, you wouldn’t utter a single sound. you thought nobody would notice, but steve did. very much.

steve was working robin’s shift, so it was just you and him, he called you earlier, asking if you could come over since he’s closing the store now, you muttered a small ‘mhm’ and went to the store, helping him close up

he was talking to you about one of the customers that came today, and how they’d taken so long to decide what movie they wanted

“can you believe it? 45 minutes just to pick ghostbusters, it’s not even that hard of a decision to make” he said as he put away the tapes, he looked to you and saw you nodding

“let’s go sit for a bit, take a little break” he said and you nodded again, he sat in front of you, holding your hand

he called your name, and you shook your head in question, “you know i love you, right?” he said and you nodded, “you know you can tell me anything, right?” and you nodded yet again

“did i do something?” he asked and you furrowed your eyebrows and shook your head, “talk to me” he said, his tone frustrated

“no” you shook your head

“then tell me what’s wrong” he asked and you stayed silent, “i know somethings wrong, please—tell me why are you acting this way?”

“what way—“

“are you serious?” he cut in, “you’ve barely said a word to me for the past few days, i know theres a reason—talk to me, please.”

you looked at him for a bit and looked down, “there’s nothing wrong, okay? just—some people finally decided be brave enough to tell me the truth”

“what truth? what people—“

“the truth is that im annoying!” you snapped, “that im annoying—and loud, and talkative. and im happy to hear it because they’re not wrong. they’re not! i should actually thank them for finally telling me what’s wrong with me.” you sighed

steve looked at you with such hurt in his eyes, “who said that?” he asked in a low voice

“why do you even care—”

“why do i even ca—are you—because it’s a lie! everything—they’re all lies! baby, who cares if you like to talk about things more than others do, who cares if you’re loud? you’re you and thats what matters, whoever said that is saying complete bullshit, and i don’t care about it. i just—“ he sighed and held your hand tighter, “i miss your voice, i miss the way you get excited about things, i miss the way you talk on and on and on, i miss you. i miss you, peach.”

a smile found its way on your face and you hugged him tight, “i love you, stevie” you said

“i love you too” he smiled, a feeling of comfort finally coming back to him, to hear you and have you in his arms again.

you two held onto each other for a bit before letting go, “now, you wanna tell me who in their right mind said that?”

#stranger things 4 #stranger things x reader #steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington angst #stranger things fluff #steve harrington x plus sized reader #steve harrington x mayfield!reader #steve harrington x original character #steve harrington x henderson!reader #steve harrington x reader angst #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x y:n #steve harrington x female!reader

[wongyuuu]

Hiii. So i got into a car accident today while driving, nothing too bad happened to my car and the car that hit mine. Im also not badly jnjured but mentally, just got so traumatized from the impact. I can still hear the loud boom upon impact and like now im home about to sleep and while ive had many thoughts, one of them was just hoping there was someone who would care for me. Someone who’d come to my rescue as it happened and process the trauma with me. I could really see this with Seungcheol. Could you possibly write a drabble about this if its not too much ask?

Thank you

like we talked before, i hope you're doing well and that the worse is gone. i hope you enjoy! sorry it took me so long

pairing: seungcheol x fem!reader genre: angst  word count: 1.1k warning: car accident, reader gets hurt (minor)

a/n: this was not proofread

requests are open

You dropped the keys on the table, your bag and coat right on top of it. You glanced at your hands, just to have the confirmation that they were still shaking, though a visual confirmation wasn't really necessary, as you could feel it. The sight of it was just an added bonus. 

No more than 5 hours before you were in a car accident. While on your way to work, you stopped at a red sign — as one usually does — when someone hit you from behind, causing your car to hit the one in front of you. 

You were stuck in the car for at least 45 minutes until they managed to get you out. Your leg was stuck, it wasn't broken or hurt, but you were confident that if you tried to move it then you'd injure it. 

During those 45 minutes, all you wanted was to call Seungcheol and have his voice calm you down even just for a second. But your phone was inside your purse, in the backseat, so there was no way of reaching it. So you stayed stuck, silently crying.

The paramedics did their best to calm you down, talking with you the entire time, assuring you that everything was going to be okay. 

"Can I call my boyfriend?" you asked once they pulled you out.

The medic smiled at you and handed you your purse. You knew that Seungcheol was at a meeting, like his earlier text informed you, outside of town, so there was a possibility of him not answering the phone. But you had to try it. You: needed to hear his voice even if it was just the voicemail. 

He picked up the phone on the fourth ring.

"Baby, what happened? Is everything okay?" He said as soon as he picked up the call.

Seungcheol knew that you wouldn't call him over nothing, just to chat, while he was in a meeting, a very important one at that. That was an agreement the two of you made early on in your relationship: phone calls were mostly for emergencies during work hours. 

"I was in an accident," you said, trying to control your voice so as not to scare him "Someone hit me from behind so I hit the car in front of me"

There was a moment of silence, then the sound of a door closing.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

You couldn't hold back your tears anymore, not to the sound of his voice growing worried by the second. And you didn't want to do that, didn't want him to be worried about things he couldn't do anything about. He was hours away from home, working. You knew what the sound of your crying would do to him, and yet you couldn't bring yourself to stop. 

"I'm okay, just scared. The sound of the car hitting me was so loud, then someone screamed and an alarm went off somewhere around me. I just…" you pressed a hand to your temple, suddenly aware of the thin layer of blood running down your cheek "Oh, shit"

"yn?" Seungcheol's voice was desperate on the other side of the line "What is it? What happened"

"Miss? We have to go now" he heard someone say

"They're taking me to the hospital," you said, starting to cry again "Just to make sure everything is fine, I think"

"Everything is fine, you're okay," he said, his tone suddenly changing, a little more bright "I'll be home soon, okay? I'll figure something out, but I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you"

Seungcheol felt yet another squeeze in his heart. He should have been home, closer to you. Should have been able to get back sooner than a few hours. The world seemed to be moving slower than usual, the traffic not moving at all. He just wanted to get home, to you. He needed to see, with his own eyes, that you were, in fact, fine. 

It didn't matter to him that you told him you were okay, multiple times, that while at the hospital you kept updating him and reassuring him. Seungcheol knew that sometimes you'd downplay how you felt to not burden others. 

He could tell just from your voice that you were still shaken up, as your words came out almost whispered. 

Seungcheol pushed open the door to the apartment you shared. His eyes scanned the living room, then the kitchen. Only to find you standing over the stove, mindlessly stirring something in a pan.

"yn? baby?”

You had been so lost in your mind, in the memories of the accident, that you didn’t hear him coming in, or the sound of the door. But his voice was enough to bring you back. 

“Cheollie,” you said.

The moment you saw him, you broke down. The entire day, after that first call with him, you had managed to keep it together. Crying once had been enough, as it usually was. But not this time around. You had never been in an accident before, not even close, and the moment kept being replayed in your mind as if you were stuck in this infinite loop of that moment. You remember the sound more than anything else, so loud that made you think that the accident had been far worse than it actually was. 

Seuncgehol held your face, his thumbs pushing away your tears, as he searched your face for any injuries. Only to find the small band-aid over your right eyebrow. It was the light blue one you always kept in the bathroom. 

“Are you hurt anywhere else?”

His voice was so soft, his touch so gentle.

“Can you just hug me? That’s all I really need right now”

Seungcheol wasted no time in pulling you to him, one of his hands on your waist and the other one at the back of your neck. He planted small kisses on your temple, over the band-aid, on your cheek, on your hair. He wasn’t sure what he could do for you. The worst seemed to have passed, but he knew that you’d still be thinking about it for days.

“Thank you for picking up my call,” you said against his chest “and for coming home. I didn’t want to be by myself today. Sorry I interrupted your meeting though, I know it was important”

He pulled back a little. He had the sweetest smile on his face, his dimples showing as he caressed your head before pressing his lips against yours.

“This is the only place in the world I wanna be at”

if you want to be tagged in my next fics, please fill out this form

#klabels #seventeen imagine #seventeen x reader #seventeen x you #svt x reader #svt imagine #svt x you #seungcheol x reader #choi seungcheol x reader #scoups x reader #seungcheol x you #scoups x you #scoups #seventeen angst #seungcheol imagines #scoups imagines #choi seungcheol #seungcheol #s.coups

[khaotunq]

trick or treat!

HI LIZ!!! AkkAyan college for u~

This fic lies abandoned in my folder because there were too many things I couldn't decide on (like where Ayan ended up going for uni. Mostly where Ayan ended up going for uni.) but here is a snippet!

*

Ayan had sent his flight tracking number before boarding and had sent him a sleepy selfie before take off, but it had been radio silence ever since, probably because he was sleeping to try and escape the worst of the jet lag.

  The flight landing had been delayed and Akk had resorted to braiding the leaves of a plant in the lounge just to keep himself busy, so he was caught off guard when the doors slid open. He shoved up from his seat and was almost immediately bowled back into it by a warm, familiar weight. Ayan was home. He was used to these airport reunions by that point, so Akk wasn't shy about wrapping his arms around him in front of Ayan's entire flight, most of whom didn't appear to have sprinted past the gate the way Ayan must have.

  He probably felt like hours of travel, but he smelled like home. Akk pressed his face into his shoulder and squeezed, hard. Something he hadn't noticed before that moment settled somewhere behind his sternum.

  "Hi," Ayan said, content to be squished. His bag had been abandoned on the floor several feet back, but he made no move to retrieve it, apparently trying to fit himself into Akk's lap. "You smell good. I missed how you smell."

  "You're ridiculous. No suitcase?"

  He shook his head. "Got everything I need right here."

  He said it with both hands curled into the material of Akk's t-shirt. He wasn't talking about his bag. Akk smiled. "Ready to go home?"

  Ayan's expression, when Akk lifted his head, said he was thinking something cheesy so Akk kissed him gently to cut him off. He tasted faintly of toothpaste and Akk had to pull away to snicker.

  "You'd have complained if I tasted like the fact I've been dead to the world for several hours."

  "I wouldn't have. Not today." And it was true: he was so elated to just have Ayan back in his arms after months that he wouldn't have cared if Ayan had been doing wasabi shots immediately prior to arrival.

  Ayan didn't respond, but he looked pleased. He let Akk tumble him off his lap and brightened even more when Akk went to retrieve his bag and offered his hand to Ayan rather than making him carry it.

  "Tell me my mum's out of town for a week."

  Akk snorted. "She's making you lunch as we speak. We'll stay with her tonight but tomorrow I'm going back to mine, and you're welcome to join me."

  He was yanked to a halt because Ayan stopped dead and pulled him around. "I love you so much." He looked deadly serious, and if this conversation was anything other than Ayan not so subtly telling him they weren't leaving the bedroom for a week, Akk would have melted.

  Instead, he smiled and leaned down for a kiss, squeezing his hand. "I love you too. Now come on. The car's going to be unbearable."

  It was Ayan's car – he'd insisted on Akk taking over its paperwork because it would just sit and rot in a driveway otherwise, and Akk had a funny feeling Ayan would find some excuse to not officially take it back. He was going back to university after the summer and it would just be a hassle to keep changing it around, Akk thought he'd say.

  They exited the airport and were hit with a wall of heat that had Ayan whining in protest the way he did every time he forgot he was from Thailand.

  "Did you not park in the shade?"

  "Your flight was late – it was in the shade when I got here three hours ago."

  "We were only delayed by maybe 45 minutes."

  Akk just smiled at him.

  Ayan lit up. "You missed me! You got here early? I thought you were at work this morning? Did you call in sick just to wait for me at an airport? Look at you – you did!"

  "Don't be ridiculous," Akk said, letting Ayan hip check him to absolutely no effect whatsoever as they crossed to the section where Akk had parked. "I had holiday hours to use."

  He waited a moment, smiling. "I've taken the rest of the week off."

  Ayan dragged him around again and all but jumped on him. They were in the middle of the car park with the sun beating down, but Ayan's mouth was on his properly for the first time in months and there wasn't a force on earth that could have kept Akk from dropping the bag and wrapping both arms around Ayan to kiss him back properly, almost lifting him completely.

  Ayan settled back onto his feet and grinned at him, a little more flushed than the travel and sun could account for.

  "Can we stop at your place first?" He asked, a little breathless and toying with the hem of Akk's shirt. "Maybe you forgot something."

  Akk laughed and shook his head, beeping the car open and heading around to the driver's side, letting Ayan shove his own bag into the back.

  They stopped at Akk's.

  They were late to lunch.

#suppaloscurse #ask post #so it is decreed #tuserhidden #akkayan #the eclipse #ficwit #halloween 23 #i have 3k of this but it's abandoned forever unless inspiration strikes #where do i put a fictional character for his fictional education these are the things that truly matter #i'm gonna have to start posting shorter snippets but kdsfkjsdg #i wanna share my nonsense with u alllll

[canary0]

August 23 - Dracula 2023

The Diary of Mina Harker

I'm getting worried. We have been keeping a watch lately, but Lucy managed to get the crucifix down from her window in her sleep and made it out to the churchyard again. It almost goes without saying that her health has taken a turn and she's quite weak now. We've made the decision that moving forward, I should sleep in her room with her. I will miss out on time with Jonathan, and I am quite worried about him, too, given the fiend's equal interest in him, but Lucy appears to be his main target for now. Lucy herself much approved of this plan, and sweetly spoke of how it would be like sleepovers when we were just girls.

Jonathan is recovering as well after the increase in his illness the other day. He remains quite pale, though, and I worry for lingering anemia. He and Lucy look a bit similar at the moment, but Jonathan seems to be stronger... more than he used to be, if anything, which is surprising. He and Lucy are rather comparable in build, with Jonathan perhaps slightly the smaller of the two. I wonder if Mr. Morris would be willing to room with Jonathan to keep an eye on him and make sure both of the monster's interests have an eye on them?

Fortunately, Dr. Seward has been a great help with Lucy's health. He's been keeping an eye on her vitals and ensuring that she eats well for reviving her health.

Dr. Stankiewicz arrived today, and she looks a good bit different while on vacation than she did while working, with her lab coat traded in for torn jeans, and a flannel overshirt. She did bring medical equipment and, of all things, her own autoclave, which she set up in the kitchen. Fortunately, the Westenras' kitchen is quite generously sized, and the machine itself isn't huge. She quite brusquely informed us that she expected to be here on a working vacation, so she came prepared, though she didn't expect two people. I was a little put out - both of them had been very careful, but fate had put them in the wrong place at the wrong time. She smiled at that, though, and told me she knew, and that neither was in any way at fault for their situations. We would try to improve them.

She proceeded to take down everyone's blood types. Lucy is apparently AB+, which is good to learn. She can receive blood from any of us, so transfusions won't be an issue for her. Jonathan will have a bit more trouble, with B- - not exactly common, and he can't get it from just anyone.

Dr. Abraham Van Helsing arrived later that same day. Unlike Dr. Stankiewicz, he seems like quite the jovial and personable sort. He is also quite in contrast to his protege, Dr. Seward, in that way. By the time he arrived, there was only time for a late dinner, however. We will start the arduous process of going over what information we have tomorrow. Hopefully Arthur will be able to make it soon. I will be arranging the physical records during the meeting tomorrow and starting a file on everything we have.

God willing, we and the three doctors together will be able to make some sense out of everything going on.

---

The Diary of Jack Seward

Woken in the middle of the night by a report from the hospital. Apparently more strange behavior from Renfield. Apparently he became quite agitated around sundown, yelling and seemingly trying to shake the bars on the window, immobile though they are. "That's it! It's you!" He was yelling out according the the nurse's report.

She moved to the window to try and see what he was yelling at, but all she could see outside was an unusually large bat. She apparently did call animal control to report a potential invasive species appearance, but there wasn't much else she could do. Renfield remained upset, but he was not a danger to himself or others, it seemed, so he was allowed to express his piece. Eventually, after roughly 45 minutes of terrified ranting, he calmed, seeming to exhaust himself.

I'm concerned about this new change in him. I've given orders for the therapist to speak with him about it tomorrow. Hopefully we'll find out more.

#dracula daily #dracula 2023 #fanfic #jonathan harker #modern retelling #lucy westenra #mina harker #jack seward #quincey morris #abraham van helsing #renfield

[bomberqueen17]

surviving march

well so. here we are. well into march. surviving.

i had no real symptoms of covid and i still don't, except that i'm just so tired. i could sleep ten hours a day. of course i can't sleep that long in bed, i still wake at my normal time without an alarm but with cat help, i just get out of bed and i'm just dizzy with exhaustion. (Usually metaphorically. today, literally.) but i wake up, i get myself together, i go about my business. and then, if i have a moment, at late morning, or early afternoon, or late afternoon, i will lie down for a moment, and if i don't do something to prevent it i will sleep two hours. and then come evening, an hour earlier than usual, i will go to bed, and i will sleep until my usual time. endlessly. normally i can get by on 6-7 hours in a night, with a good 8 hour lie in on weekends, but no more.

anyway. i don't have time for that, unless i give up everything but work. i have been leaving work slightly early, and not going in any earlier. i'm paid hourly, who gives a shit. i'm tired.

but, other than that, i do feel fine. the pokey mans has helped me remember to get up from my desk and walk around sometimes at least.

the pokey mans remains... mostly fun. i occasionally hit snags. i finally posted in frustration in the local Discord asking for tips on beating the one boss I just couldn't manage (Giovanni, if you're familiar), and the collective wisdom was, get better guys, which i was like i'm trying, and they were like no really, friend all of us, and whoever makes ultra with you first, we'll meet up at the weekly raid nite and we'll trade you a better guy, and I said i don't have anything cool to trade back? and three different people were like i don't need anything back i have extra guys, please take one. so that was actually a really nice interaction.

Every Wednesday is Raid Night, which is apparently universal-- from 6-7pm, wherever you are, there are simultaneous raids and mega raids and whatnot. Our local group is smaller than it once was, and so has condensed: one guy coordinates a "raid train" that goes down Hertel Ave, which is a dense urban street with a ton of gyms, and so he opens the remote lobbies of successive gyms at like. seven-minute intervals? somebody did the math at some point. And that's enough time to get from one to the next on foot for a fair distance, but it's also of course very easy for remote raiders to dial in.

It doesn't cost them anything if I tag along-- you can only send so many invites, but if you're in person you can just physically bop into the lobby. So there I was, with my tiny little guys, and a half-dozen level 45+ veterans with huge leveled-up mega pokemons dialed in, and I would gamely swing at the raid boss a couple of times and meanwhile the other half-dozen people would pummel the thing into the ground in a matter of seconds.

I've tagged along twice now, and I can manage like. Three gyms before I'm frozen. This time I brought Dude along, and he sat in a bar and drank a beer and ate some cheese sticks, and after about half an hour I came puffing back along the street and hopped onto the barstool next to him and got some chicken fingers and chattered about the great pokey mans I just caught. He's having a stressful time at work so it was good to get him out of the house.

I'm trying to find it all fun and funny, and mostly I'm succeeding, but I'm just so tired.

I did clear out a bunch of old drafts so my queue should be interesting for a bit.

I'm writing, it's just not getting finished. But I'm writing. I'll get there.

#about the author #me #pokey mans

[mdzs-owns-my-ass-i-guess]

A series of university events

Here is the ficlet for the winning option on this poll, Jingyi going through some of the funniest moments/situations I experienced as a university student.

All of these did actually happen, believe it or not, either to me personally, or I was there to witness them.

(The last one was a bit adapted to fit the characters and the theme, but I did argue with my group mates over color accents and other such aspects when we did our project, so there is a grain of truth in there!)

I really hope this is actually funny. Enjoy!

It was 7.15 am when Lan Jingyi stepped into his university building and he didn't know whether he found that ironic, hilarious or eerie.

He had promised himself he would not be cutting it so close to Professor Lan's 8 am class anymore (last time he arrived 53 seconds before the lesson began, as per Ouyang Zizhen's cronometer), but 7.15 was way too early.

It just had to be that day that the Public Transportation Gods decided to smile upon him and have him arrive 45 minutes before Teacher Lan's class. The man was probably still home having his coffee, minding his business, while Jingyi was at school, regretting the extra 30 minutes of sleep he lost.

Jingyi walked up to his class, and was surprised to find one of the cleaning ladies struggling to clean up yesterday's mess. She was equally as surprised to see him, and even checked her watch, panicked.

"Young man, you really scared me, I thought I ran out of time!"

"I'm sorry, didn't mean to do that." A sheepish smile as he chose one of the middle seats. "The commute was surprisingly short today."

He took out his phone to scroll on social media for a bit as began to sip at his coffee, but his eyes inevitably caught onto the cleaning lady's pained expression every time she bent down to pick up discarded papers or small pieces of trash.

Jingyi immediately abandoned his phone, walking up to her to help.

"You really don't need to do that, sweetheart, you're here to learn, not to clean!"

But Jingyi only offered her a reassuring smile, placing all the trash he'd collected into the bin. "You guys work so hard for us, so we have a clean place to study. This is nothing."

And so, Jingyi and the cleaning lady worked together for a few more minutes, rearranging desks, dusting and sweeping. Neither seemed to have realized how quickly time passed, until the door swung open to reveal Jin Ling carrying a massive Starbucks drink in one hand and the keys to his car in the other, a backpack hanging off one of his shoulders.

He looked at Jingyi, then at the cleaning lady, and, as the woman thanked him for the help and left, he couldn't help lowering the rim of his sunglasses with a smirk. "Training for your future workplace?"

Jingyi rolled his eyes. "How are you able to walk around with your head so far up your ass?"

"With great ease in designer shoes." Jin Ling replied, taking the seat in front of Jingyi's. "Now how come you're so early?"

"I'm being responsible."

"Yeah, right, and I'm poor. What other lies are we telling?"

Jingyi half debated throwing his hot coffee in Jin Ling's face but decided against it. There were no coffee shops around close enough for him to go get another and return in time for class.

"You ask about me, but why are you so early?"

"I drove dad to work. His license was suspended for speeding and now he's making me drive him around like a fucking chaffeur!"

"You guys shit money. Why isn't he using an uber or something?"

Jin Ling took a long, tired sip of his drink. "He says it's good driving practice for me. And mom won't drive him because she told him if he gets one more speeding ticket, he's on his own."

Jingyi couldn't help a mischevious grin. "So it looks like you're training for your future workplace too!"

------

Lan Jingyi was hungry. He was pretty sure that his whole class was, it was lunch time after all, and you could hear a stomach growling every few seconds.

Thing is, Jingyi did have food. Plenty of it. Because he knew he would be getting hungry, he had 12h of classes back to back, after all, of course he needed to eat.

The problem was that the professor promised them a 15 minute break halfway through the class... and had yet to deliver on that, droning on about some boring lesson that Jingyi couldn't even be bothered to take notes for. He was too hungry to write, and he could always ask Sizhui to fill him in later.

The professor began drawing something on the board but stopped midway through.

"You guys are not paying any attention to me at all. What's going on?"

"We're so hungry, professor!" A female voice responded, and Jingyi was quick to recognize her as Song Qing, the insanely smart girl two years younger than him that got into university on a gifted kid scholarship.

The professor sighed. "Why didn't you guys say so? I'm hungry too, let's eat up so we focus better! Brains don't work on empty stomachs!"

The class blinked at the man, confused for a few seconds as he took out a pink lunch box from his bag. "What, you think I eat your essays for lunch or something?"

Everyone began pulling out their own food, from sandwiches to cakes, snacks, salads and everything in between.

"You have a cute lunch box." Song Qing commented, barely holding back a giggle.

The professor laughed. "My daughter packed my lunch this morning, okay? She said this is her lucky lunch box, and wanted me to have a good day, so she gave it to me."

The class collectively aww'd at that, before returning to their food. Jingyi greedily bit into his chicken sandwich, hoping to God nobody heard him moan with both delight and relief.

"Jingyi, you really need to stop moaning into your food like that." Zizhen commented as he stabbed a cherry tomato from his to go salad with a fork, "It's weird."

"Have a bite of this and you'll get it." Jingyi offered, and Zizhen shrugged, taking him up on it. The moment flavor filled his mouth, his eyes fluttered closed and a low "mm" escaped him.

"See? It's amazing!"

"Will you guys stop orgasming over food?" Jin Ling intervened. "The rest of us want to eat in peace."

"Food orgasms are the best." Jingyi replied before taking another generous bite of his sandwich.

Jin Ling mumbled something, sinking his spoon in his container of hummus, but Jingyi and Zizhen continued to fawn over their food anyway.

---

When Sizhui returned to his dorm room that day, exhausted after a long day of studying in the library, he had not expected to find his roommate, Jingyi, with a flip flop in one hand and a massive can of big spray in the other, looking nothing short of a hunter.

"Jingyi. What the hell."

"There is a massive cockroach hiding around here." Jingyi answers sternly, eyes searching the floors. "And I am going to kill it."

Sizhui sighed, placed his book bag on his bed and wondered whether to join Jingyi in his hunts or just go to bed and leave him be.

But- "Hah! There you are!" was followed by the comical sound of a flip flop hitting the wooden floors, and Sizhui realized that his friend could do very well without him too.

"So." Jingyi began, placing his weaponry down. "How was today?"

"Exhausting. Did you do any studying?"

"No, I hunted the cockroach."

"Jingyi. The final is in two days."

"I couldn't have focused knowing there was a cockroach."

"Teacher Lan is so going to fail you."

Jingyi sent him a pleading, wet dog look. "And you're just gonna let that happen...? After I saved you from that terrible beast just now?"

"I'm taking Zizhen as my roommate next year."

"As if he doesn't mooch off you too!"

"So you agree. You do mooch off me!"

---

It was once again 6 am on a Monday and Jingyi wanted to die. Well, maybe not die, but definitely sleep. Like the dead.

Still, he had to go to class. Sizhui's didn't start until 12, that lucky bastard, so he had to go through the terrible grogginess of his early morning on his own.

He was just about to get into the shower - bless Sizhui for having picked a room with an en-suite bathroom - when he heard the unmistakable sounds of... well, fucking.

They were doing it in the other room, obviously, but the walls had either thinned out over night or his neighbours just happened to be screamers. Either way, Jingyi's already foul mood was not eased by the litany of moans and begs and curses from the other side of the wall - who fucks at 6 am on a Monday, first of all, and second, who does it so damn loudly too?!

He tried to focus on his own washing up routine, tried arguing to himself that, perhaps, he too would do that if he had someone to do it with, and it was a free country, people could fuck anywhere, any time.

But the moment that he began to hear screaming, all that flew out the window and he knocked loudly into the wall, three consecutive times.

The noise stopped for a while after that, and he was gratefully enjoying the silence, only to hear, loud and clear from the other side: "that's why you get no bitches, man!"

It took all Jingyi had not to go down to their door and start a fight.

God, he hates mornings.

---

"You aren't seriously going to pick golden accents." Jingyi said, incredulous. "That's the most cliche, overdone, boring choice!

Jin Ling rolled his eyes. "It's called timeless, you dumbass. A classic."

"Are we really fighting over decorative accents right now?" Sizhui asked, exasperated. "This whole thing is fictional, guys, it's not real! We aren't actually organizing this art gallery!"

And they were not. For one of their classes, the professor wanted them to come up with an event to organize on the basis of the information he gave them, following a strategy and some pre-defined steps. It was meant to test them on their knowledge, as well as show them what event organizing entails and whether they would be up for a career in the field.

"We have to do it right still!" Jingyi argued. "And I won't have fucking golden accents! I know you Jins have gold for breakfast but this is supposed to be fine art!"

"Your ass has never seen gold filigree and it shows! Gold is elegant, subtle. What colors do you want to use, huh? Magenta?!"

Zizhen sighed. "Calm down, you two. Our gallery theme is Cloud Recesses. There are no golden clouds."

"The sun is yellow!" Jin Ling argued.

Jingyi had to intervene. "It's the Cloud Recesses, not the Sun Recesses!"

"And where the fuck do you think the sun is? Not behind clouds?!"

Sizhui sighed quietly, turning to his other friend as the two kept arguing. "Zizhen, what do you think of light blue?"

"Sounds good. White could work too, but an ashen type, we don't want the contrast to be too obvious."

"I'll write that down. Say, how much did our budget add up to?"

"500k."

"Jin Ling." Sizhui called out, just as he was about to send a book Jingyi's way. "Where do we get 500k from? That's how much the event costs."

"We'll sponsor it. We as in Jin Corp. And add Jiang Corp too, jiujiu wouldn't mind and if he does, I'll threaten him that I'll buy out my stocks."

"Fuckin' capitalist." Jingyi glared, "But if we get such rich sponsorship, we should organize an after party too."

"Oh so I'm a fucking capitalist, but then you go around and spend my money?"

"What good is it for if you don't spend it?"

"You know what? Fair."

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #writing attempts #ljy #lsz #jl #oyzz #somg qing is a qing btw #song lan and xxc adopted her

[shiroi---kumo]

Hey so like I had a seizure at work on Wednesday (not a grand mal) and I took yesterday off to recover from it but I still feel a little scatter brained if that makes sense. I'm documenting, please don't worry.

I'm just exhausted.

I worked through it and that sucked and this isn't the first time I've done it. My brain power is not here today. Please be patient with me. So like my actual Boss (chris) (he made that very clear today) sat me down for like 45 minutes to talk to me about actually relying on my team and trusting people enough to tell them in the moment that I'm struggling.

I told him(chris) why I don't and that I told my lead (terry) (lead housekeeper; not my boss apparently. Terry doesn't think that though) that I had been experiencing numbness and nausea, dizzy etc and he(terry) cracked a joke about it.

So Chris said he'll talk to him about it and all that but was really trying to be validating that i can and should talk to people and he made me promise I wouldn't push myself through a migraine or a seizure again. I said I'd try.

I just feel really scrambled eggs brain still. So like it cool if I just sleep a lot? I think I need to catch up on my Zzz's. I have been trying to push myself to get things done and deal with my medical and get my life to be more organized but I have been sacrificing a lot of other things to do that. So I dunno, I might slow down a little bit during the week. I can't have another seizure any time soon. (I can't say again because even though i dont want to my body is laughing and going you don't get a choice that's cute.)

I only have brain power to write the one thing tonight. I'm sorry. Today was rough. I am not used to people offline having my back or hearing me. So I spent that 45 minutes trying to stone face and not cry. I succeeded. I did not on the car ride home. I know I have drafts and shit building again but like I'm just so exhausted this week.

I'm working on trying to get FMLA though and HR is helping me so fingers crossed I guess.

I guess just patience please.

#ooc || mun speaks #tw; medical #tw; seizures #tw; personal stuff

[pbandjesse]

Today was a really busy day! Which felt really good. I am very tired but it was a good day and I feel accomplished.

I didnt sleep amazing. I would wake up a lot. James told me they woke up and were like, wow that was a terrible sleep, and then looked at the clock and it was 1230. So that sums up how not good it was.

It didnt help that it was grey outside. It would storm later on, but would actually be beautiful for most of the day. I had a pretty easy ride into camp. And I arrived around 8.

I struggled this morning though. When I got to camp the plan was to go and spray paint the tables. I got them all dry and clean and started. I got through the first table and started the second when my paint stopped working. That's okay I have a second one. This one worked beautifully for about 30 seconds and then just. Nothing. It was absolutely full but nothing would come out. I was so upset. I didn't know what to do and was having a terrible time.

I decided I would drive up to arts and see if I had another primer and I did! But this one also didn't work despite being full and I was so upset. I texted Heather and she said it was okay and we would come up with a solution later (turns out her husband sells paint and he will bring me primer next week). But I needed a moment to calm down I was so upset and frustrated.

While I was driving around camp trying to sort this out I ran into one of the leaders of the group coming at 10. He was there at 830 because he had something to do in the area so I told him he could hang out in the lodge. But then once I got to the office I realized that his group would actually be in the dodge house. Oops. So after stopping to take 45 pictures of a wooly caterpillar I went to tell him where he could go.

The walk there helped. I felt a little calmer. And would take a different walk back and just enjoyed being in nature and how beautiful it was today. My mood improved greatly.

I had to answer some emails. I accidently replied to the office and not the teacher for my feildtrips on Tuesday so I had to send an apology and get all her questions answered and I felt very stupid for messing that up again. I am just so bad at replying all!! Like I was told not to do it my entire 20s and now I'm supposed to do it all the time. Ugh. Thankfully the teacher got back to me quickly and it was all fine.

Me and Sarah would go to the dodge house and waited for the group. This was funny though because we were expecting 20 middle schoolers but they were actually 8 highschoolers. And honestly that was better.

So instead of breaking into two groups we stayed together. I would have them for team building, then Sarah taught them archy and bbs, and Sarah and Nick would do Zipline. And finally, before lunch, we would go see the horses.

And they were such a great group of boys. First we did team wall and they got everyone up and over in 1 minute and 10 seconds, which is the fastest time I have ever seen a group do that. Very impressed. I kept laughing cause it was hilarious to me that they just basically bounced everyone up.

Next we did A frames. Sarah had gone and set up bbs and archery but once she came back we were able to run both frames with the chaperones. The kids were better at it go early. The adults over thought it, and I like to let people try their ideas without me telling them the solution but the adults were actively not doing what I told them would work so I was like alright, you fail then. Which did end up just hurting me because I was on a rope but it's all good.

We finished up there with whale watcher which they liked. Took them a bit but they had good techniques and it was fun. 2 minutes and 6 seconds was their best time. Which is pretty good! Most groups don't get past a minute.

I passed the lead to Sarah and we walked to archery. I enjoyed talking to everyone. And it was fun watching Sarah explain things. I might get archery certified. Might be fun.

I would leave them to keep working in the office. I wanted to start thinking about the free choice program for next summer. I would tosk to Heather and Alexi about it and made lists and started mapping out those ideas. Which I think will be really fun. I think it will help with the apathy that seems to have settled over camp that makes me a little crazy. I want people to be all in and whatever I can do to help that is important to me.

I had a really nice conversation with Alexi about that and her hopes for next year. It made me feel good that I can help make things happen.

Elizabeth would be working on building the new Ikea desks with Heather. But it was very slow going. Lots of drawers and little parts. She was getting frustrated plus everything was dusty. We would help later.

But in the meantime Joe asked me to drive with him up to the barn, where I would drive him back in the gator. Can do. He had to figure out where his keys were so after we carried all the Ikea boxes (which were very heavy!!) out of the truck bed I waited for him in the truck for a few minutes.

It was fun driving the gator. I also just enjoy talking to Joe. Even when he's grumpy I do really like him and think he's a really nice man. We chatted about camp projects and cars. And after dropped him off at the office I drove back to the dodge house to meet the group.

They were still at horses so I went and met them there. They were very excited to pet the horses and feed them. A few of them kept announcing that that was what they were doing which was very funny. It was a very sweet experience. I'm so glad they had fun. We found out that the reason the group was so small was because everyone else in the group chose to go to Hersey park instead!!! They chose us over a theme park! That's so cool.

And they really did like it. After we left the horses I told them to wash their hands before pizza. And then once we were seated I told them all about camp and encouraged them to apply to be counselors next year and all of them were raising their hands saying they want to apply and had questions but it was great. I really hope they do apply because I loved their energy and I think they would do well to bring that energy to camp. Like they are similar to Tony and Manny. Just cool and young but will still be a little camp cringy and it's perfect. That's what we need.

They would share their pizza with us. Which we appreciated. And then I drove me and Sarah and Nick back to the office.

Where Elizabeth was very much struggling because she realized she put the desk together wrong. It was all upside down and she has stripped all the screws trying to take it apart and she was super upset and stressed about her Halloween costume because she needed grey paper. And so we told her we would handle the desks and I was pretty sure I had grey paper. I would run up to the art building when she said she couldn't find it and I was able to find some large sheets and saved the day. She complimented how tidy the art building was and I wished her luck with her costume (her and her friends are going to be crayons) and told her to have a nice weekend.

When I got back to the office the wedding was starting to use our porch for their gift bags for their guests as they come in. So I put all the recycling away and we brought in all the Ikea.

And then me and Sarah got to work. Heather would help. It was not going well at first be ause I didn't understand the Ikea nuts which are actually cam locks. So after watching a YouTube video I was able to use my pocket tool and it came apart easily. Which felt good. Getting it back together correctly took some thinking. Me and Heather and Sarah struggled through it was we did eventually figure it out. We had to take it apart a little more but we would get it. And soon we had a desk!! Sarah put the top on and started putting the drawers in and building the next set of drawers while I started building the next desk.

And I made the same mistake Elizabeth did!!! I put the top and bottom on backwards. Ugh. Thankfully I knew how to fix it now and it only took a minute. I was so mad at myself though because it was literally the same mistake. And I shd been so careful. Terrible.

Heather was in the main office building a chair while we did our desk building. The uncle of the groom was just talking our ears off through the door. Which was fine but Sarah was like. He needs to go somewhere that is not here. Which was funny. Even the guy's wife was like, maybe we should get moving, mostly because she was really cold. And the storm was coming in. The sky was turning grey.

Once the second desk was done I got my stuff and headed out. Wished everyone a nice weekend. And was on the road.

It was a long drive home. Mostly fine, it did start raining and it was a little heavy for a minute. I would get home at 440. And was really happy to be back.

I put my stuff away and took a shower. I started working on a project with my charm collection and while I was doing that James came home! I was happy to see them but pretty quickly they had to head to get their mom to take her to get their new car.

While they were gone I wouldnt do much. I mostly was just really tired.

And so I got in bed. Which is where I have remained. James would make spaghetti when they got home. We are in bed together. They went and worked on their editing for the podcast and I watched videos and was just a lump in bed.

Now though it is time to sleep. I am very ready. I have a long day tomorrow. With the market and then an event at the museum. I miss being an educator there sometimes but I really love what I'm doing now. It's nice I can pop back in sometimes. Though I am sad to miss dinner with James's cousins tomorrow it's alright. I hope they have fun.

Sleep well everyone. Until next time!

[atinycupofpositivitea]

Journaling our 🍵 life tea 🍵

Today in a nutshell 🥜

Sleep wasn't the best and being a morning shift, it wasn't the best start to the day. However, walking and listening to music was fun as usual, I managed to prep some work beforehand, the tasks of the day were interesting, and generally it was chill. When I came home I had already done most stuff, so after a couple of chores I was ready to get exercising, but I didn't feel like it. I just wanted to stay in bed and scroll through social media really. After an hour I just told myself I'd do 5 minutes, and ended up doing 42/45 minutes. Which is great, and I was happy by the end of it. Lastly I watched an episode of Wednesday with my sister and it was so cool. I'm blessed today.

Things we feel grateful for 🐦

I'm very grateful for happy moments and for the strength to overcome sad ones.

Positive affirmations and self-love 💖

I am doing everything I can to build the life that I need and deserve. I am strong, intelligent and have lots of interesting hobbies. I am special and people who matter recognise my uniqueness.

Things we hope and look forward to ☘️

I hope tomorrow is a good day and I look forward to meeting my friends after work and having a long train ride.

Date: 24/01/2023

[dreamy625]

This rockstar life - 3.10 Fragmented

Words: 2020

Content: Quite angsty, mentions of self-harm & OCD

-----------------------------

We made an agreement, early on, that it’s always okay to wake the other one if you have a nightmare or any other kind of middle-of-the-night freak out. Always. No matter what. I just could not bear the thought of him lying there alone and uncomforted after one of his horrible dreams. But I’m a terrible hypocrite because, when my anxiety runs wild at 3am, I try not to disturb him if he is, for once, sleeping peacefully. However still and silent I think I am though, somehow he always knows and I’ll hear a mumbled ‘c’mere’ as he pulls me to lie with my head on his chest and strokes my hair. 

-----------------------------

“Oh god. Third alarm. We really have to get up now.”

Steve, still resisting fully waking up, just grunts in response. Alice pokes him, which only results in an aggrieved squeak and him pulling the duvet over his head.

“Your car’s coming in 45 minutes.”

“Cancel it.” he growls.

“I’m supposed to be at work in an hour.”

“Call in sick.”

“I can’t. Not again. I’m running out of convincing ailments.”

“Tell them I’m sick and you have to look after me.”

“But you’re not sick.”

“Might be. I feel fucking horrible.”

Alice burrows down until she is face-to-face with her boyfriend. In the dim light filtering through the covers, she takes in the pale clammy skin and bloodshot eyes. 

“You don’t look great. Poor baby.” She wraps her arm around him.

“My head hurts.”

“Mine too. Why do we do this to ourselves?”

“Coping mechanism? So they tell me.”

Alice tightens her embrace. After a few moments of silence she says dreamily, “Sometimes I pretend our bed is just floating in the clouds. Just you and me, and the rest of the world has gone away. Nobody can get at us.”

Steve closes his eyes again. “Can we just stay here today?”

“Okay.”

-----------------------------

Sometimes he gets 'stuck'. He always has to do all the things the right number of times in the right order, but when his mind is really running away with him, he then doesn't believe he's done it correctly, and has to repeat it again and again. Everything has to be three times, but if he misses something, it has to be three times three. And then maybe three times more. And then again. Sometimes it helps if I count it through with him, and act as witness that he has in fact performed the ritual perfectly. He doesn’t trust himself, but he’ll believe me. I'm not sure how you're 'meant' to deal with someone who has these compulsions, probably not like that, but it does at least allow him to leave the bathroom. On bad days though, that’s not enough. One night I stood, arms wrapped around him from behind, as he went through the sink sequence over and over for an hour or more, tears of frustration running down his face but completely unable to break out of the loop. 

-----------------------------

“I hate everyone.”

“Everyone?”

“Everyone that isn’t you. All of humanity except pretty blond guitarists named Steve.”

-----------------------------

“No, I don’t understand what it’s like to be a rockstar. And to have that pressure and that weight on your… to have so many people looking at you and expecting… I can’t ever feel that. But you can tell me and I can try. And I do know what it’s like to never feel good enough, to always be the fuckup, to be pretending so hard you don’t know who you are any more and to… yeah…” she sighs, “never be able to explain why.”

Steve just grimaces and pours another slug of vodka into his glass.

“In fact, I think I’d find it stranger if you were totally well-adjusted about it. You were nineteen, working in a factory, and suddenly, boom, you’re on a stage in front of thousands of people. How could you have a brain that’s set up for that?”

“Everyone else seems to be fine with it. Joe’s happy as a pig in shit!”

“Yeah, but Joe’s… simpler than you. I don’t mean stupid. He just… doesn’t have your sensitivity. And, like, total tunnel vision. He just knows what he wants and goes for it full steam ahead, with the rest of you pulled along behind. He’s not introspective like you, he doesn’t stop to think about everything.” 

Steve doesn’t reply, just staring at his glass and turning it around and around on the tabletop. 

“Must be nice. To have self confidence like that. He must have some self-doubt, surely? But it doesn’t seem to stop him.”

“I wish I knew how he does it. How anybody does it.”

Alice shrugs. “If I knew I would tell you.”

-----------------------------

Steve, idly threading his fingers in and out of Alice’s while they sit reading, squished into the one armchair nearest the fireplace, suddenly stops. “What’s this?”

He pulls her arm into the light from the window, revealing the row of faint pale scars up her forearm, and a few redder, angry-looking, marks. 

Alice tries to pull the sleeve of her sweater down, but he won’t let go of her hand. “You know what they are. They’ve always been there.”

“I know, but…”

“The second time we… you kissed them… like Shirley Valentine.”

“But some of them look recent?”

“Yeah. But just little ones. Scratches. It barely counts.” She leans her head on his shoulder. “It’s okay. Really. Just… you know… turns out love doesn’t fix everything else.”

“No. They should put a warning on those soppy films.” He strokes her wrist gently with his thumb. “I wish you wouldn’t.”

“I wish I wouldn’t too.”

-----------------------------

“It’s too early to argue.”

“This is still the argument from last night. You just passed out before it was finished.”

Steve pulls the pillow over his face. “You’re right. Whatever it was about. You win. Just for god’s sake woman, let me sleep.”

-----------------------------

The unfamiliar sound of tinkly new age music draws Steve to the livingroom, where he finds Alice sitting cross-legged on the floor. Ah, a meditation session, the latest prescription from Dr Garrison. The effort of trying to calm her thoughts has creased her brow with a tiny frown. He tiptoes silently across the room and squats down beside her. The corner of her mouth turns up as she senses him there, but she keeps her eyes closed. Reaching his hand up to the back of her head, he places a gentle kiss on her forehead before standing and creeping away.

-----------------------------

“Why is she here again?”

“Dunno. He just said he couldn’t leave her at home.”

“No girls in the studio; we made that rule for a reason.”

Phil shrugged. “They were already here when I got in, I wasn’t going to argue.”

Joe considers the couple over the rim of his cup. Alice is tucked under her boyfriend’s arm, all big bushbaby eyes staring into space. “She doesn’t look well.”

“Neither does Steve come to that.”

“He always looks like that on a Monday morning.”

Oblivious to being the topic of his bandmates’ muttered debate, Steve breaks off from scribbling on the sheet music in front of him and absently drops a kiss on the top of Alice’s head.

Joe sighs, “Oh all right. At least she’s quiet I suppose.”

-----------------------------

Steve slopes into the livingroom and drops down on the far end of the sofa with his arms folded.

“I still think I was right.”

“I still think I was right.”

There is silence while they both stare unseeing at the television.

“Do you still love me?” This sounds like a challenge.

“Yes. Of course.” she retorts crossly, still scowling at Newsnight. 

“Good. I love you too.”

“Fine.”

Another pause where neither one looks at the other.

“Bedtime?”

“Yup.”

Alice stands and holds out her hand.

-----------------------------

“You need to eat something that’s not coffee”

“You need to eat something that’s not vodka”

- Impasse -

-----------------------------

“Lissy?...Liiiiiis?”

A small voice, “Down here.”

Steve squats down and looks under the table. “Um, what are you doing under there?”

“Hiding.”

“Right. What from?”

“Everything.”

“Okay.”

“I don't think I was meant to be a human. I’m bad at… humaning.”

“What were you meant to be?”

She thinks for a while, “An aubergine?”

“Oh.”

Steve ducks further under the table and pats Alice’s shoulder tentatively. “It's okay, I'll look after you.” He pauses, eyes flicking from side to side, trying to think of something helpful, “I'll put you in a moussaka!”

“But I'm dairy intolerant.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

Alice starts to laugh, and Steve does too. The laughter borders on hysterical and they lean into each other, shaking. Eventually, it subsides into just the occasional giggle. Steve puts his arm around Alice and pulls her against his shoulder. “Fucksake.”

-----------------------------

I’ve looked everywhere. All the usual places, all the pubs, even the ones he’s barred from, the pool hall, the cinema, that dodgy after-hours place behind the tube station. I’ve called Phil, I’ve called Malvin, I’ve called all the numbers scribbled on the pad next to the phone. I even asked that dealer he thinks I don’t know about. No one’s seen him, no one’s heard from him. That’s over twenty-four hours. He never does this. He always makes it home eventually, or someone brings him back, or someone calls me. There’s no Steve Clark on record at the hospital, and the police weren’t interested (they know him too well, said he’ll turn up when he sobers up). I’ve walked around and around and around. He should be easy to spot, all that blond hair, but it’s got dark again. And cold. Really cold. He just had his leather jacket when he went out, not a proper coat. 

Finally, thank gods, finally, a glimpse of that familiar hair. A hunched figure on a bench on the embankment, staring into the water. He doesn’t look up when I sit down beside him.

“Hi.”

He blinks. “Hi.” 

“Nice view.” 

It actually is - there’s an old bridge and it’s lit up all prettily at night. Steve tilts his head up to look at it for a few moments before returning his focus to the river.

“So, where have you been?” I try to make this neutral and not show how frantically worried I was. 

“I had to… get away… I couldn’t… explain.” His voice is croaky; I guess he hasn’t used it for a whole day.

“Right. Did it help?”

He puffs out a breath through his nose. “No, not really.”

“What was… what were you trying to get away from?”

A long pause, and then, “I’m scared… of what’s in my head.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

Another pause. “I can’t.”

“Do you want to go home?”

He shakes his head.

“Do you want me to go?”

Another shake.

“Okay. We’ll… just sit here then?”

He nods. 

-----------------------------

There’s just nothing I can do. He’s surrounded by people who love him and have tried to help. If there was anything another person could do, they’d, we’d, have done it by now. I’ve thought and I’ve thought and the only thing, the ONLY thing, I can possibly do that maybe no one else can, is try and make him feel safe. 

Because he doesn’t believe in love, not really, not other people’s love. Or maybe believe is the wrong word; He doesn’t trust it. He wants to. He loves so intensely, so steadfastly, not just romantically but his family and friends. But he doesn’t think he’s lovable in return. So when he, inevitably, because he’s human, messes up, and he sees disappointment, anger, or pity, he thinks that’s it, they don’t love him anymore. 

So yeah, that’s the plan. Unconditional love. Not just feeling it, but showing it. So he knows,  however far he falls, he’ll always have a safety rope with me holding onto the other end of it. The flaw in the plan is that, well, I don’t think I’ve ever had that before either; I don’t know what it looks like. 

But it turns out it’s easy. I just have to mirror back the way he loves me. 

(January 1991)

#steve clark #steve clark fanfic #steve clark fanfiction #def leppard fanfic #def leppard fanfiction #this rockstar life fic

[thisunpredictablelife]

A reintroduction?  I think so.  Next week I turn 45.  To keep me from throwing up at the thought, I thought I’d take the space in my day today to snag an updated headshot and spew some thoughts on the page.  I feel like I really have to mentally prepare for this birthday. Or maybe it’s less of a mental preparation and more of a reflection? Let’s be honest, we’re never the same person we were a year ago.  At least I hope most of us are not...

My name is Rachel Kallio, and I’ve been at the photography gig for a while now.  Yes, I grew up here in this small Nebraska town…no, I never thought I’d be back...and no, I will never regret a single step that took me in this direction and planted me exactly where I am.  I’m on year 13 of charging people to capture life’s big and small moments and while I can say I’m a much different person than I was 13 years ago, there is a core in me that will never change.  I love photography.  I love the art of it...I love the emotion behind it...I love learning about the lives of those on the other side of my camera...I love capturing that feeling...and I love the innocence of children and the challenge of thinking like one again.  That list keeps going... but I’ll save you from it ❤️.

Here are some of my truths at 45...

*I crave creativity. When I don’t make time for it outside of my work, I become a very frustrated  person.  I need live music, progressive mindsets, and things that challenge me to think differently than the day before. If I’m not growing, creating, and enjoying life’s art…I’m not becoming my best self.

*I am a firm believer in meditation…but my children are tired of hearing about it. I hate stress...and it's kiiiind of deadly, you guys. Do we not understand this yet? If we don't utilize ways to ease it, we'll stay on its vicious cycle like a never-ceasing Tilt-a-Whirl that’s not so amusing.  Sitting in a quiet space and clearing your mental baggage is like going to the gym to gain muscle mass.  MY favorite way to meditate? I sit in the steam sauna for 30-minutes and follow any of my go-to meditations. I top it off with a freezing cold shower. It's also the perfect way to zap that bad attitude...and my husband greatly appreciates this.

*I annoy myself. I will sit and think about things I’ve said or done and wonder why they came out of my mouth. This will never change. I won't lose sleep over them, but I will ask my husband 500 times if he thinks I offended someone or said something stupid. If you've been in a photo session with me...you may have even experienced those moments. Sometimes it's amazing I show my face again hahaha.

*My current parenting approach is telling my children to "solve the problem". We all make mistakes and we all get ourselves into positions we don't want to be in...but we do have to decide how to solve the problem. Therein lie the choices my children should now be able to make on their own after my flawless years of parenting. BAHAHAHA!! But for real, they should. I can't tell you my kids appreciate it when I say it. In fact, I know they just want to walk away or hang up the phone when I do...but I know it's the best advice I can give them.

*That leads me to....I AM HUMAN. I make mistakes. If I've ever told you I'd do something and you have radio silence for the week following, it's not because I'm ignoring you or won't do what I said or am annoyed by you. It's likely I just attached to one of the other 5 million things in my head and didn't make a note and circle back around. It's at that point you should not feel bad about following up. Recently, the six of us were out for a birthday dinner for my son and I read an email stating some sports buttons I had just delivered had the word soccer spelled "socer". First of all, I know....how does this happen?! Secondly, my kids had a lot of fun with this one. But lastly, I solved the problem and new buttons were delivered the next week. Yes, I'm still learning to not read emails at family dinners...but I can't tell you perfection is in my future.

*I am passionately in love with my husband and I'm not sure how I could have become who I am without him. Holy buckets of love...and respect...and laughter. He gets me. As whacko as it sounds, I don't even like going to Walmart without him. I'm still trying to figure out how Miss Independent over here became so darn dependent, but it's the healthy kind...so I guess it's okay? He might say differently.

*I am crazy proud of my four children...Sophia, Hattie, Nell and Jack...and I love them more than they can possibly imagine. Watching them grow into these amazing humans has been the most exciting (and terrifying) thing. We're only three years away from being empty nesters...but that's okay. I can't imagine a world where I wake up and don't have them living in our home, but I also can't imagine a world where I'm not excited to watch them go out and do incredible things.

*I love humility...and we need more of it. Stop comparing our children and relationships...stop sharing someone else's "why" when you probably don't know or understand it...stop thinking you, your family, or your child are better than the next one. Our world is more subjective than we sometimes want to believe. People like different art, different fashion, different styles, different personalities, different ways of doing things with the same result. Don't write off the ones that differ from yours. Accept the differences, stop the comparisons...and just embrace a humility that can spread like wildfire if we allow it to ignite. Good people look all sorts of ways and come from all different walks of life. Good art may be garbage to you...but make the next person feel things they've never felt.

Finally, I love my life. I could have focused on so many other things for this reintroduction, but I always know the things that get typed out when I write are the most important truths to share. I'm doing what I love with the people I love...and I can't ask for much more. Despite the gratitude and contentment for my life, I wake up every day wanting to do and BE better. What that looks like changes on any given day, but next year, when 46 rolls around...I hope I've learned even one more lesson to add to my list of experience.

Cheers to Friday... to the weekend...to spring ❤️.

#Youtube

[simonsholidays]

Simon's holidays - Part 1: Dilemma

"Simon, come down, please."

Dad is calling me from the ground floor of the house, and he's annoying when he does that. If he wants to talk to me, he can come upstairs. I decide not to respond, to act as if I didn't hear him. It hasn't even been an hour since I got back from school, and I just want to be alone.

"Simon!"

Once again, I decide not to respond and put my headphones in my ears. This way, if he comes up to my room, I'll have an excuse for not having heard him.

As I lay on my bed with my headphones in, I see the door suddenly swing open.

"You could answer when I call you!" my dad says, clearly a little irritated.

"I didn't hear you," I say as I take off my headphones. "I was listening to music."

These past six months have been a bit complicated for both of us. Mom died of pancreatic cancer. Everything happened fairly quickly between her diagnosis and her death, in less than a year, she was gone.

My name is Simon, I'm 11 years old, and I'm an only child. Before, we were a typical family and had great moments together. Since mom's death, nothing is the same. Dad is always on my case, asking if I've done my homework, telling me to go wash up, waking me up early, even on the weekends. I really miss Mom. Besides, Dad might have found a job recently. He stopped working to take care of Mom and remained unemployed for a few months after her death.

Dad seems a bit upset, and I'm not sure what he wants to tell me. Is it to say that his interview didn't go well?

"Like I mentioned, I had an interview today. I just got back from their place. It's not very close, and the trip took me about 45 minutes, but I like the job they're offering, and I'm going to say yes."

I'm glad. If Dad works again, he'll be away from home more often, especially if it's far. At least he won't be home when I get back from school, so I can play video games. He's strict about it; he always wants me to do my homework first, and he doesn't want me to play for more than 30 minutes a day.

"That's great," I say without really explaining why I'm so happy.

"I am happy, yes. It will be good for me to get out of the house and see people again. You know, Simon, we've talked about this before, and I know these past months haven't been easy for you, but they haven't been easy for me either."

I know that all too well, yes! It has affected both of us, even though we didn't experience it the same way. We weren't necessarily very close before Mom's death, and it hasn't improved afterward. We only talk when it's absolutely necessary, and we don't share much with each other.

"It's almost the holidays," he continues, "they're coming up really fast. It's Monday, and they start on Saturday."

Oh, yes, I had almost forgotten about the holidays. That's great; I'll be home alone for a week. I'll be able to sleep in, eat whenever I want, and play as much video games as I please.

"I know you wouldn't mind staying home alone, but I don't want it to go that way." "Why? Don't you trust me?" "It's not really a matter of trust," he says, "but more about safety and lifestyle. I can imagine how it would go; I wasn't born yesterday, I was young once too." "Ah, so because you didn't follow your parents' rules when you were my age, you think I won't either?" "Simon, don't take me for a fool either. We both know how it would go. Anyway, that's not the point of this conversation; I don't want you to stay home alone."

I'm disappointed by what my dad is telling me. I could have had some peace, but it seems I won't.

"So, where am I going, then?" "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I see two possible solutions. The deadline is very short, and these are the only options I have."

I wonder what my dad is going to propose, and I'm somewhat anxious. I'm really afraid that I won't like what he's going to say.

"I haven't called them yet to see if it's possible, but the first option is to go to your grandparents." "You mean grandpa and grandma?" "Don't call them that; you know they don't like it. But yes, I'm talking about your mom's parents." "The answer is a straight 'no,' I absolutely do not want to go there. The last time didn't go very well."

The summer before, I had gone to stay with them for the holidays. I had never been there alone, and my parents had told me it would be great. Well, it was far from great. I wasn't allowed to do anything; they were stricter than my parents. I even asked my parents if I could come back early. I was bored like I'd never been before! On the second day, we had a big argument, and I stayed locked in my room, not wanting to come out.

On the day of departure, I didn't even say goodbye to them, and Mom was quite angry with me. I'll never set foot there again.

"I knew you'd say that," he replied. "The second option I have is the leisure center."

"But leisure centers are for little kids. You go there when you're in primary school, not when you're in middle school!"

"I'm almost certain it's not a matter of academic level but rather an age-related issue. I believe they can accommodate children from 3 to 12 years old. I inquired about it three years ago, and that's what I was told."

"But Dad, none of my friends go to such places!"

"You can make new friends there! Or even suggest that your friends sign up too."

What a bummer this leisure center thing is! I might end up with little kids, doing little kid activities.

"What's your decision, Simon?" Dad asks me.

"Well, I don't really have a choice. I'll go to the center."

"I just hope they have space. I'll call right away. And if they don't, you'll go to your grandparents'."

Dad then leaves my room, and I hear him go down the stairs. I also step out of my room and head to the landing, so I can eavesdrop on the conversation. From where I am, I can see him, but he can't see me. He taps on his phone for a few seconds, probably looking for the phone number, and then he puts his smartphone on speaker.

"Youth Service, Constance speaking."

Dad then explains the purpose of his call.

"I won't hide from you that it's going to be very complicated," the lady explains. "We already have a lot of reservations. I'll check the various leisure centers in the community. Can you remind me of your son's age?"

"He's 11 years old."

A few seconds pass before the lady responds again.

"In this category, I'm afraid we don't have any available spots left in any of the centers. I'm really sorry. Unless... let me take a few more seconds to check..."

"Yes, please tell me."

"After checking, I have one spot left in the Marots leisure center, but it's reserved for children with disabilities."

Dad doesn't respond immediately; it's as if he's thinking about what to say. I'm not disabled, so he can't answer yes; it would be immediately noticeable.

"I didn't want to bring this up to avoid highlighting it," my dad says, "but my son has issues with incontinence. Does that classify him as a child with a disability?"

I can't believe my ears! Dad is saying that I'm handicapped? That can't be true. Besides, I don't even know what "incontinent" means.

"Yes, of course," the lady responds. "That's perfect, then. We need to fill out a form as soon as possible to secure the date. When can you come?" "Wednesday afternoon, is that possible for you?" "I have a slot available at 2 PM." "Very well, I'll take that slot then. I'm Mr. Mitonno." "I've noted that in my calendar. Please take notes; I'll give you a list of the documents you'll need to bring: vaccination certificate, family record book, tax statement, proof of address, and a doctor's certificate stating that your child is disabled." "I've written it all down. Thank you. See you on Wednesday. Thank you, ma'am, and have a good day."

As soon as Dad hung up, I went back to my room. I don't want to show Dad that I overheard the conversation, and I prefer to wait for him to come to me. What I did catch, though, is that he'll need a medical certificate, and that's bound to be a problem. What doctor would be willing to provide a false certificate? Certainly not our doctor; Dad really doesn't like him, and I can't imagine him asking for that.

As soon as I closed the door, I grabbed my phone and typed the word "incontinent" into the search bar. Fortunately, the autocomplete feature helped me find the correct spelling. I started the search and found the definition.

I read the first result: "Lacking restraint or moderation," and I didn't really understand the meaning; it can't be that. I read the second definition: "Unable to control the discharge of feces or urine," with an example sentence: "An incontinent child."

My throat tightens. Is my dad trying to send me to a leisure center by making me out to be someone who wets or soils themselves? No, it can't be possible; he can't do that! I really can't believe what I just heard.

Shortly after, while I'm still lost in my thoughts, Dad enters my room. My throat has been tight since I overheard the conversation.

"I found a spot," Dad says without saying more.

"Where is it?" I ask.

"In a leisure center, very close by, actually."

"And was there space?"

"Yes, we have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon to complete your registration."

Dad doesn't seem to want to address the question that has been on my mind for a while. I'm not sure how to make him talk about it without telling him that I overheard the conversation. How does he think it's going to work if I'm at the center and I don't have the disability he told them about?

He does seem to hesitate, and I think he's afraid to talk to me about it, especially about my reaction.

"It's just that..."

"That what?" I ask impatiently, eager to see how he's going to broach the subject.

"I told them that you have a disability, that you have accidents... or more precisely, urinarya leaks."

"But that's not true! I'm not incontinent!"

As soon as I blurt out that word, I know that Dad understands that I overheard his conversation with the lady.

"You eavesdropped on my phone call, didn't you?"

"Yes, I listened, and it's ridiculous! You're willing to lie to get me to go to that leisure center."

"Simon, I did it for your sake! So you wouldn't have to go to your grandparents."

I can't believe he's saying he did it for me!

"But wait, if you tell them that I wet myself, and they see that I don't, they'll realize you lied to them. And how are you going to get the medical certificate? You're not going to do it yourself, I assume?"

"I'll take care of the certificate. I think I can manage to get one. As for the accidents, you'll have to actually have them, or they'll figure it out, yes, you're right."

"So you expect me to wet myself in broad daylight in front of everyone? In front of adults, but also kids? They'll make fun of me, I'll be the laughingstock of everyone. There's no way I'm doing that!"

I'm angry, and I think my tone of voice makes it clear to my dad.

"That's why I thought about the solution of wearing protections..."

"What is that?" I ask, annoyed.

"They're also called diapers."

"I'm not sure I understand what you're telling me. Let me rephrase: you want me to wear diapers like babies, is that it? I'm 11, Dad! I'm too old for that."

"Yes, that's exactly it, you understood perfectly."

"Even if I did, and I emphasize the word 'if,' the others would make fun of me! Can you imagine a boy my age in diapers?"

"You know, this condition actually exists. There are really people your age, and even older, who suffer from it and wear protection to make it inconspicuous. Because, yes, wearing a diaper is not visible. No one sees what's under people's clothes."

"I'll follow your thought," I say. "Let's assume I wear one, and it's not visible. If I don't pee in it, the leisure center staff will also realize it's fake, and they'll kick me out."

"That's why you'll have to play the role of an incontinent boy. If they ever catch on that we made a fool of them, they'll terminate the contract, and you'll be forced to go to your grandparents."

Dad is really putting me in a tough spot. He wants me to lie, to make a fool of myself by wearing diapers and wetting them. I can't accept that.

"I can't even believe you're asking me this; it's out of the question." "So, do you prefer to go to your grandparents?" "I don't prefer anything. I can't accept either of your two propositions." "And if I offered to buy you the new gaming console you've been asking for for over a year, would that help you decide?"

Dad is trying to buy me, offering me a deal! I really want that PS5. I've been bugging him for months to get it, and he always says it's too expensive.

"So, if I go to my grandparents, you'll buy me a console to take with me?" "No, of course not. If I offer to buy the console, it's for the option of the leisure center. Sending you to your grandparents would cost me money, and I don't have much right now. The leisure center option is much less costly, and the difference could cover the purchase of your console."

It's a tough dilemma. In essence, either I go to my grandparents and don't get my new console, or I go to this leisure center for five days and get a console.

"Okay, I'll go to the center!" "Be careful; let's be clear about this. You will need to genuinely appear as a child with incontinence until the end of the week. I'd even say until your 12th birthday and you're no longer eligible for a leisure center." "What do you mean?" "If, during other holidays, you can't go to your grandparents either, you'll have to return to that leisure center, and they must have no doubts that you faked your incontinence issues."

Oh yeah, so it's not just five days, after all... But we'll see about that when the time comes.

"And will I be allowed to play for more than 30 minutes a day?" "Don't push your luck; we'll see when the time comes. Just succeed in what I'm proposing first, and we'll decide." "The deal works for me; I accept."

As my dad says, no one but the center staff should see my diaper hidden under my clothes. And even if a 5-year-old did see it, why would they tell anyone? Plus, I can probably go to the bathroom discreetly. What bothers me the most is having to wet my diaper at least once a day. But if that's all it takes to get a new console, I'm willing to make that sacrifice!

[dopaminergicaddictions]

I woke up at 3:30. I fell asleep around 7:30 or 7:45. I closed my eyes at 7:25. I don't remember laying there for long. It felt like 3-7 minutes. Which is amazing.

I remember having anxiety about my rapid eye movement and comforting myself saying I've hit rem sleep every single day for months now and then listening to family guy and I was gone.

I finished all of bobs burgers. Family guy has too many dialogue breaks. American dad is kinda terrible. It also had diagloue breaks. And see I like king of the hill but the graphics are kinda hard to watch.

I'm probably just going to rewatch bobs burgers.

So- my hallucination yesterday was kinda bad especially during the shower. I have a hard time listening to music. I sing and i have these awful secondary psychosis thoughts such as I have to wash dead names cunt. I have to clean my pussy lips. It's fucking gross and it makes things really fucking intolerable. I was hallucinating my deadname a lot which is almost all I hallucinate now. Minus, successful right now, happy birthday, i have a birthday present for deadname blanchette. Or it'll try to take over my thoughts and say dead name is washing his cunt.

So it's been pretty bad. I def don't have a thoughts disorder but, if I don't try to think very concise thoughts, I have issues with not thinking dead name I have to do this, no nathan I'm going to do this. It's gross how psychosis associated nathan with my deadname.

I'm not going to lie I'm thinking about changing my first name now. Cause whenever I call myself nathan my deadname follows. Or vice versus, I say my deadname first and then say Nathan...

The sad thing is Nathan is the only name I have EVER identified with. I mean all the other male names I just don't identified with them.

The hallucination at the moment seems less intrusive and less loud. It feels like it's going away but idk. It seems it gets worse when I'm at my peak hours of my circadian rhythm. Whenever I'm the most awake and productive... like between 10 pm to 2 a.m or something like that.

I mean I've been sitting in, "silence" a lot today cause I got new dry erase markers and I've been working on my schedule and doing laundry and I'm still hallucinating constantly but it's quieter and less intrusive. I'm hoping it stays this way and gets better but I'm not at my peak.

Even when it was really terrible it was way better in the morning/early day before I became more alert....

So I've been looking at herbal remedies. As antipsychotics are not ever going to be an option. I'll consider taking my thyroid meds if I get to the 21st and its still there but I'm only taking it until my levels go to normal so I can avoid excessive weight gain... if the voice goes away, then I'm going to stop it. If it comes back..... I might restart it ... but idk... if the voice doesn't go away and I get to normal levels I'm absolutely stopping it.... I'll go on them for max a month and I'm going to gain at least 10 pounds. I'm already 200 and that's more than I used to be. I used to fluctuate around 185 and 195.... now it seems to be 195-200..... despite not having insomnia anymore thanks to Xanax.....

The herbal remedies aren't really promising. I know what's wrong with me bc I studied psychosis and schizophrenia extensively in graduate school and my bachelors program..

Basically my D2 dopamine receptor is overstimulated... when you hallucination, the dopamine in your mesolimbic pathway is excessive and you have more receptors than the average person.

Someone like you may have say 50 receptors. Your presynaptic neuron will excrete dopamine to the post synaptic dendrites and there will be left over dopamine that can't bind to your receptors bc the postsynaptic neuron only has so many receptors and the post synaptic neuron will take what it can and an action potential will occur.

All that excessive dopamine will be removed via enzymatic degradation and re-uptake. Your neuron will only take what it can and it will clean up the excess dopamine or any other neurotransmitter....

Well mine as I have psychosis might have 100 receptors instead of your normal amount of 50. So the post synaptic neuron will take more dopamine and create that action potential which will be in my case a hallucination..... because there are too many receptors and reuptake and enzymatic degradation is not occurring at the same healthy rate as a healthy individual.

So in order to block the excess transmission of dopamine on the D2 receptor you need an antagonist.

Agonist- increase receptor binding.

Antagonist-block receptors.

So I need something that acts as an antagonist on my D2 receptors. Whatever it is needs to block those receptors so that excess of dopamine gets reuptaked or gets degraded.

Antipsychotics target all dopamine receptors. Not just the mesolimbic pathway. So when you take them they decrease dopamine at the D2 receptors but decrease it everywhere else which is why someone experiences the negative symptoms of schizophrenia.... because it also decreases the dopamine in the mesocortical pathway. The negative symptoms of schizophrenia are caused by a DECREASE in dopamine in the mesocortical pathway. That's why Antipsychotics aren't a great way to fix hallucinations.

Atypical antipsychotics are better for negative symptoms or both but they also decrease dopamine everywhere although I believe they increase dopamine in the mesocortical pathway making the negative symptoms less problematic.... but if your mesocortical pathway is excreting the right amount of dopamine, overstimulating the dopamine receptors in the mesocortical pathway can cause other issues with executive functioning and a lot of other things. Which is why they wouldn't give someone like me an atypical antipsychotic because my dopamine levels are normal in my mesocortical pathway.

The problem with antipsychotics go beyond creating negative symptoms. They cause Parkinson and astonia and tardive dsykinesia... that's why they prescribe an anticholinergic. Which as I stated before has the side effect of causing REOCCURENCE. You need the anticholinergics to stop tardive dsykinesia.

Unfortunately those extra extrapyramidal side effects aren't 100% avoided just bc you take an anticholinergic... my uncle who luckily is not blood related to me, has paranoid schizophrenia. He has been on antipsychotics and anticholinergics since he was 17. He has Parkinson now. The reason for this is because Parkinson is caused by low dopamine levels. Someone with Parkinson is prescribed something called, L-dopa. Which is synthetic dopamine and increases dopamine in the appropriate pathway and potentially all dopamine pathways. I'm not as savvy in Parkinson disease. I know enough about it to understand why it happens from antipsychotics. I'm just unsure of what dopamine receptors are affected prior to the meds and then from the meds. However I believe it's the mesolimbic pathway. And l-dopa causes an increase of dopamine everywhere. I could be wrong about that.

All I know is i have an excess of d2 receptors, and the excess dopamine in my mesolimbic pathway is not being degraded or being reuptaked.

So I've been on Google scholar and other site trying to find an antagonist on the d2 receptors. A lot of these natural dopamine depletors have research suggesting they can be an agonist as well. I def do not need an agonist on my d2 receptors....

I have found white mulberry. I have to do extensive research as it does claim to be an antagonist on the d2 receptors. Unfortunately there isn't a lot of research done on herbal remedies. I'm hoping these white mulberries have more research once I find the right words.

D2

White mulberries

Psychosis/ psychotic symptoms

Is what I'm typing in now. I'm hoping I can fine tune it and find more than a literature review discussing multiple plants in Nigeria.

Upon a single google search it claims white mulberry is an antagonist on the d2 receptors but I'm not seeing the research.

It also claims magnesium is but I found research that suggests it's an agonist as well. It seems mixed.

So yea thats where I'm at. I'm trying very hard to fix my problem in a way where I don't lose my ability to be me.

As the days go by and the symptoms stay the same I worry the 20th will come and pass and I'll still be hallucinating.

[themomsandthecity]

Meghan Trainor Says She Was Shamed For Taking Antidepressants During Pregnancy

Meghan Trainor is expecting her second baby with husband Daryl Sabara this summer. But as excited as she is to welcome the little one into the world, it's brought up some difficult memories of delivering her first baby. On the Today Show, the pop star shared that she felt "so much shame" when nurses implied that her being on antidepressants during pregnancy impacted the birth outcome of her son Riley. "He came out asleep, and that's what they literally called it, he's 'sleepy.' And I was like, 'Wake him up, like what do you mean?' " Trainor recalled. "Some people were like, 'Oh it's because you were on your antidepressants.'" "I just felt so much shame, I just had a crazy surgery and I'm on all these drugs and I feel miserable and to get pointed at to say it's your fault that your kid's asleep." It's a reaction that Trainor had not expected. Leading up to her delivery there "was a big debate" about whether she should stay on her antidepressants or not. "My first OBGYN, this guy was like, 'Oh you can throw those candies away,'" Trainor told co-hosts Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager. "I was like devastated." But after seeing another provider, she was told that "it was very safe," and she ultimately "got it approved by all my doctors." After the nurses' comments, Trainor called her doctors in a panic. "I called them and was like, 'You said nothing would happen!' And they said there's no science that backs that up, they're just pointing fingers," she continued. "I just felt so much shame, I just had a crazy surgery and I'm on all these drugs and I feel miserable and to get pointed at to say it's your fault that your kid's asleep." The experience inspired Trainor to include a "huge" chapter on her mental health in her new book, "Dear Future Mama: A TMI Guide to Pregnancy, Birth, and Motherhood from Your Bestie" (out April 25). While writing the book, Trainor says that she wanted to center the mother's experience rather than only focus on the intricacies of pregnancy. "We're not forgetting about the mamas," she clarifies. "It's not just 'Here comes the new baby' it's also 'You matter! You are important'." We're catching up with @Meghan_Trainor about her new book called “Dear Future Mama: A TMI Guide to Pregnancy, Birth and Motherhood From Your Bestie,” her relationship with husband, Daryl Sabara, and more! pic.twitter.com/DFfC7s3hJb- TODAY with Hoda & Jenna (@HodaAndJenna) April 24, 2023 In the book, Trainor also opens up about being diagnosed with PTSD after the C-section. When Riley was born he was rushed to the neonatal intensive care unit after struggling with breathing issues. Her husband, Sabara, went with him, leaving Trainor behind to get sewn up on the surgical table. "Usually when you're being sewn up for 45 minutes, you're like, 'Look at my gorgeous baby. We did it. This is everything.' But I was laying there alone," Trainor told People. "In the moment, I was so drugged up, I was calling my mom, and she's crying on the phone, like, 'Are you okay?' And I was like, 'We're fine.' And then when I tell people what happened, they're like, 'Jesus Christ,' and I'm like, 'Yeah, that was kind of messed up, right?'" When the family finally came home from the hospital, Trainor says she began having nightmares and flashbacks to the C-section. "I couldn't go to sleep at night. I would be in tears and tell Daryl, 'I'm still on that table, dude. I'm trapped there. I can't remind myself I'm in bed and I'm safe at home,'" Trainor told PEOPLE. "I had to learn how traumatic it was." But through therapy, she has been able to work through and process the trauma. The 29-year-old singer admits to Kotb that "It wasn't like a fairy tale birth." However, she did come out of it with "a fairy tale baby." https://www.popsugar.com/family/meghan-trainor-shamed-anti-depressants-pregnant-49153219?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[aprayerforclarity]

4/12

I've been feeling pretty off today. It was when I was driving in my car that I realized I felt very introspective and melancholic today. Around 4:30 pm I took some mushrooms because I felt very unfocused. I guess I thought it was "shake up" my neurons and somehow get me into focus, but instead sent me further into my introspection.

When trying to rationalize why I'm feeling low, I think about the lack of sleep I had last night. I went to bed around 11:45 PM last night, and awoke to the sound jackhammering. When I glanced at my alarm clock it said 230. I remember feeling wide awake, and slightly hungry, so I went to the kitchen to eat some peanut butter. I find that eating sometimes puts me back to sleep. Anyways, I got on my phone, which, even in the moment, I knew was a big "no-no" and began looking up any books about Governnor John WHite. After a while of reading and scrolling, I realized I wasn't getting any more tired, so I tired mediatiation. I sat up on the side of my bed, put in ear plugs and set my alarm for 15 minutes and 20 seconds (the 20 extra seconds accounted for me putting my phone down and putting on my eyemask)

Like my attitude with a lot of my mediatiion, there was nothing gained from it, but I did expect to feel a bit more tired after it. That didn't seem to help, so I tired reading my book. An hour or so went by, and by this time it was around 5:15 AM. In a last attempt to get me to fall asleep, I decided I would go to Bojanges (my favorite fast food breakfast) for a SEC biscuit when they opened at 5:30. I ate it in the car as I drove back.

I have to continue this in an hour or so, because I have to attending a Codesmith Meeting on how to Prepare for the Technical Interview.

TBC

I'm back now. The meeting about the Technical Interview did put my mind at ease. It's going to be challenging, but I feel like I have properly gauged the difficulty and know the challenges and timelines that lie ahead. I just downloaded a couple books to my kindle to help with my full understanding of the concepts, and I'm excited to dive in!!!

Anyway, during my depressed mushroom trip to the sauna today I realized something. The concept of writing I'm building in my head goes like this:

You have to tell the reader everything that is going on in a scene. Whatever you don't write, the reader cannot see

Instead of trying to constantly build off of what you've written, forget about the previous paragraph. Each new opening and description of a scene or the thoughts of a character are new and novel. Just keep opening them up and let them flow!! You can tied them all together later.

It is important in a first draft to not worry about spelling or how "good" it sounds. Even now, I'm realizing I can write faster when I'm not focused on the words and just streamlining my thoughts.

You can go back and edit. That's a huge secret weapon. There are two parts of the brain, the part that mystically pulls out the images and flows them onto the paper, and the part that makes them sound (and look) good.

When trying to get a though down, I need to just let it flow. My flow can be ruined if I even look at the words on the screen. I feel like at a simple misspelling or the misuse of a word, I'm already having to backtrack and it disrupts my flow. I'm trying to write and edit at the same time, and that just isn't working so well. From here on out, I'm going to employee this self discovered technique. Just let the thoughts flow(by only looking at the keyboard) and then go back and edit them and fix any mistakes. Perhaps I'll eventually get better at doing both simultaneously, but each of those skills seem to be mutually exclusive at the moment and I will treat them as such!