#I'm counting it as a major win even if I couldn't play all my new sheet music today

[hellohannie]

Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince | hjs

“𝙫𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙪𝙣 𝙖𝙬𝙖𝙮, 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪”

all you've ever wanted to do was graduate high school and get out of the small town you grew up in. that was until you met (and fell hopelessly in love with) joshua hong. part of the taylor swift x seventeen collection

♡ PLAYERS - joshua hong x f.reader

♡ WORD COUNT - 8.4K

♡ TAGS - high school au, cheerleader!reader, drum major!joshua, mutual pining, fluff, minor angst

♡ INSPIRATION - Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince by Taylor Swift

♡ NOTES - hi :) this is my first ever fic on tumblr! i write on other platforms , and i wanted to get a masterlist running on tumblr as well. also, this story takes place in a high school setting and revolves slightly around the american football season. however, for the purpose of the plot, we are going to pretend that state championships happen in april…lol

ok hope you enjoyyyyy :))))

Go! Fight! Win!

You stood on the sidelines, cheering as loud as you could. Your throat was burning, your legs aching, but the adrenaline pumping through your veins kept you from feeling it. It's the most important football game of the season. Not only is it the playoff game that would determine which high school would make it to the state championship, but it's also the night all the college scouts come to recruit seniors to join their teams the next year. 

As the senior cheer captain, the pressure was on to be perfect. With all eyes and cameras on you, this was your chance to get scouted by the most elite colleges in the nation. A scholarship to a coastal university is your only ticket out of the godforsaken town you live in. There was nothing holding you back.

Except...

"Touchdown, number 13 Choi Seungcheol!"

The sounds of students cheering, the announcer yelling, the scoreboard buzzing all faded away when the marching band began the play the school's fight song. The rest of your team members, along with the students in the bleachers, ran past you to rush the field, but you stood in your place, focused on something else.

Someone else.

All the way on the opposite end of the bleachers, in the designated band section, stood Joshua Hong. While his attention was on conducting the band, your attention was on him. He was beautiful, even in his stuffy uniform, with the wind blowing hair into his face. 

You'd loved Joshua since sophomore year, when you were just sixteen years old. It was the beginning of the spring semester, and he was a new transfer student. As the sophomore class rep for student council, you were asked to give him a tour. You remember being breathless when you first saw him, his soft features and doe eyes so inviting. 

"Hi, I'm Y/N, the sophomore class representative," you'd said, blood rushing to your cheeks when he smiled at you.

"I'm Joshua Hong, it's nice to meet you!"

He'd told you, as you gave him a tour of your school, that his parents moved here from Los Angeles. 

"From LA? Why would anyone want to move to middle of nowhere America when you could live in LA?" You were dumbfounded. All your life you'd wish to move out of your little town, so you couldn't imagine why anyone would want to move in. 

Joshua just shrugged. "I don't know, I think it's nice how everyone here knows each other. It feels warm and intimate in a way."

"You don't know anyone here though, aren't you upset you had to leave all your friends behind?" 

He turned to look at you, flashing you a smile that made his eyes turn into little crescent moons. Your heart stuttered to a stop. "I have you, so at least I have one friend here."

You decided then and there that maybe you could bear living in this town if Joshua lived here too. 

From that day forward, you'd meet up with Joshua after school every Friday. When it was cold, you'd meet him in one of the practice rooms in the music hallway. He'd play something on his guitar while you told him gossip about all your classmates. Once it started to get warm, you'd meet him under the big maple tree in the courtyard. 

If there was one thing Joshua loved most, it was music. You'd never seen him look as serene as he did when he played his guitar.

If there was one thing you loved most, it was Joshua.

When he was gone all summer visiting his family in South Korea, you felt empty. Of course you had other friends. You'd known the girls on the cheer team since you were children, cheering on the junior team together. Yet, no one understood you quite like Joshua. There were times when you'd sit under the maple tree and not say a word to each other. You'd do your homework while Joshua played, and you were the happiest you'd been all day. If you'd had a good day, Joshua would play happy music. If you'd had a bad day, Joshua would play somber music. If you'd had a stressful day, Joshua would play calming music. He could read you like the back of his hand, and you loved him more for it. 

It was no surprise to you when Joshua came back in the fall and joined the marching band. You were happy for him, ecstatic even, because this meant you'd be able to hang out with him at all the games. 

Or so you thought. 

You're not sure where you went wrong, but you and Joshua began to slowly drift apart. With classes getting harder, and you having cheer practice every day after school, you barely had time to talk to each other in the hallways, let alone meet up after school.

Then, one Friday in September, cheer practice got cancelled. While your teammates all rushed home to enjoy their evening off, you ran to the music hallway. You felt giddy as you approached practice room B and heard the familiar chords of Joshua's acoustic guitar. The thought of Joshua still going to your practice room, following your old routine, made your heart race. He still remembered. 

Your fingers just barely touched the door knob when you heard a voice, a female voice. Your blood ran cold. You peeked through the little window on the door of the practice room and saw a girl leaning over Joshua's shoulder, pointing at something on the paper in front of him. It was Kim Minhye, another student in the band. 

You took a step back, hand slipping from the door knob as you tried to blink away the tears gathering in your eyes. Of course Joshua had other friends, you wanted  him to have more friends. He was kind and charismatic, it would be impossible not to like him. Yet, it still hurt, knowing your guys's thing, was no longer yours. He was doing it with someone else.

From that day forward, you only ever saw Joshua like you did tonight, at football games. During the game, you focused on cheering, in hopes of catching the attention of a scout from a D1 school. At the end of every game, you'd turn and look at Joshua, and watch him do what he loved. You'd tell yourself that you'll always love him, even after you ran away from this town. 

When you got home and went to sleep, you'd dream of him. Except, in your dreams, he'd be running away with you. 

It was the first week of March. The weather was getting warmer and senior prom was steadily approaching. Ever since you'd met him, you wanted to go to prom with Joshua. However, you would've never anticipated the competition you would have. 

You'd be lying if you denied the popularity you had at school. As a top student who was involved in all sorts of extracurriculars and captain of the cheer team, it was a given that you'd have friends in nearly every circle. Now, Joshua's popularity was a shock, and that has nothing to do with his personality. It had everything to do with his antisocial tendencies. 

You could count on your right hand the people you'd consider Joshua's friends, and they were all in the band. Lee Jihoon, Kwon Soonyoung, and Choi Hansol were just as much in love with music as Joshua, so it was a given that they'd pull him into their circle. The only other person Joshua really interacted with was Kim Minhye, who was now also a drum major. 

Besides these four, Joshua never spoke to anyone else. That, however, didn't stop everyone else from wanting to speak with him. You supposed that when Joshua looked like he did, of course people would want to be friends with him. Wasn't that what you wanted when you met him two years ago?

The courtyard was alive with students after school, everyone wanting to soak in the first warm day you'd had in months before going home. As you walked, you noticed a crowd of people whispering and pointing. Curious, you walked in a direction that you hadn't been in so long, yet felt like second nature. 

There, below the maple tree, sat Joshua. 

There, like every other day, was a new girl, timidly asking Joshua to prom.

And there, once again, she was turned down by the Heartbreak Prince. 

It started the first week of February, the prom proposals. A girl from student council, Shin Nari, approached Joshua in the cafeteria during lunch. You envied her a bit, envied her bravery. She did something you wanted to do, but never could. That's why you felt bad for her when he turned her down. You thought it was obvious that Joshua would say no. Of course it was, because who else would he go with if not the girl he spent every day with, Minhye. Still, you couldn't blame Nari. This was Joshua. If you still had feelings for him, despite knowing he only had eyes for Minhye, why wouldn't anyone else. 

Since then, there was a new girl every day who would ask Joshua to prom, in hopes that she'd be the one to win over the Heartbreak Prince. Every day, another heart was broken. 

You stood there, watching as the girl walked away from the maple tree, brushing away tears. The students around you began to disperse, criticizing the girl for being naive enough to think she was the one Joshua wanted. Joshua went back to plucking his guitar, the newly growing maple leaves casting shadow patterns on his body and the ground around him. 

When Joshua was under the maple tree, he was always alone. You never understood why his friends never joined him. Instead, they'd sit at one of the benches nearby until Joshua joined them, at which point they'd leave together. Under the maple tree is the most peaceful place on campus, so it's a shame they never thought to experience it. 

You considered walking over and talking to Joshua. It had been so long since you'd heard his voice, it wouldn't hurt to just ask how he's been.

You're about to take a step forward when someone blocks your path. You glance up to see it's Seungcheol, one of your oldest friends. You and Seungcheol met in sixth grade, when your junior cheerleading team would cheer for his junior football team. Both of you shared a dream of becoming team captains when you were seniors, a dream you both achieved. 

"Hi Y/N," Seungcheol smiled, dimples pressing deep into his cheeks. 

"Hi Seungcheol, how are you?" You glanced down and noticed the single white rose he held in his hand.

Seungcheol responded to your question, but you didn't hear a single word as your mind drifted away. Joshua's mom adored roses, to the point where their house was surrounded by rose bushes. It's why Joshua's clothes always carried the scent of roses.

A hand waved in front your eyes and you jolted, looking up to see Seungcheol looking at you with worry. "Are you alright? I asked you something, but I don't think you heard me."

"Oh, I'm sorry Cheol," you replied, feeling guilty. "I think I just need to head home and rest. What it is that you wanted to ask me?"

It was only when Seungcheol extended the rose towards you that you realized what was happening. "I wanted to ask you if you'd be my date to prom."

Your heart dropped to your stomach, and one look at Seungcheol's shy smile was enough to make you wish the ground would just swallow you whole. "Cheol..."

"I've been wanting to ask you since freshman year. We've been friends for so long, it only makes sense that-" 

You couldn't bear to let him continue. "Seungcheol, I'm sorry," you cut him off, shaking your head. He looked at you, eyes wide in confusion. "I can't go with you."

You fisted your hands into the skirt of your dress, trying so hard not to just cave and say yes just to make him stop looking at you so hurt. 

"Why not?"

"You're really sweet and you're a great friend but," you turned your gaze to the grass below you to avoid looking at Seungcheol's expression. "I don't want to lead you on or give you false hope."

The silence was so long you had to look up to see what he was thinking. "Is there someone else you want to ask you?" His voice had dropped in pitch, face devoid of all emotion.

"Of course not!" you stammered, thrown off by the question. "Listen Cheol, I'm really, really sorry," you started to step back. "I just, I'm sorry." You turned and walked towards your car, eager to get home and out of this awful situation.

Seungcheol stood rooted in his spot, tightening his grip on the rose as his hands began to shake in anger. He knew you were lying. 

It was quick. So quick and reflexive that you probably didn't even realize you did it. Didn't realize that you took a quick glance over his shoulder when he asked you if you wanted someone else to ask you to prom. Seungcheol looked over his shoulder towards the maple tree. Towards the boy who you really wanted to ask you to prom. Towards Joshua Hong, who you didn't even realize was watching you wistfully as you walked away. 

When you got to school the next day, you looked for Seungcheol. You felt awful for lying to him and running away the day before. You owed him an explanation, and felt comfortable with telling him the truth. He was a close friend of yours after all. 

As you walked through the hallways, you felt eyes on you. As usual you smiled at your classmates as you walked by them, but today they didn't smile back. Instead they were glaring and whispering. It wasn't until you overheard what they were whispering that you realized they were talking about you.

She's such a bitch.

I can't believe she just pretends to be so sweet only to stab him in the back like that.

What a two faced liar. 

When you caught sight of your teammates, you rushed over. 

"Hey guys, do you know what's going on?" Your question was met with glares.

Dani, another senior on the team, scoffed. "You're kidding right? Just drop the act Y/N."

To say you were confused was an understatement. "What? What do you mean?"

"We know what you did to Seungcheol, the whole school knows," another girl responded, crossing her arms as she looked at you in disgust.

"Oh," you nodded in realization. "I know, I reacted horribly, that's why I wanted to find him and apologize. I feel like I owe him an explanation-"

"An explanation?" Dani asked, incredulously. "What explanation is there for using someone just to make someone else jealous?"

You paused, mouth open in shock at what Dani just said. "What?!"

Dani rolled her eyes, while some of the other girls in the group just scoffed and walked away. "Seungcheol told everyone the truth. That you guys had been dating since the summer, but you wanted to keep it lowkey until college admissions were in. Then when he told you that he got into UCLA and would go to college with you, you broke up with him and told him that the only reason you were with him was because you wanted Joshua, but you knew he'd turn you down."

By now, the hallway was dead silent, everyone listening in on your conversation with Dani.  

"You're nothing but a two faced liar. I can't believe I have to spend my last year cheering with a captain like you," Dani slammed her locker shut and walked away before you could respond. You stood frozen in shock, the students around you pointing and whispering until the bell rang and it was time to head to class. The sound jolted you out of your stupor and you went to class, simply going through the motions until the end of the day.

You were walking to your car when you noticed a figure leaning against it. It wasn't until you got closer that you realized it was Seungcheol. Quickly, you walked over, betrayal clear on your face as you asked, "Why did you tell everyone we dated and that I used you?"

Seungcheol smirked at you, still leaning against your car. "You lied to me Y/N. You told me you didn't want anyone else to ask you to prom, but you did. You wanted Joshua to ask you to prom."

You stiffened, "How did you kn-"

Seungcheol suddenly stood straight, bending over to meet your height. "The boys on the team all know I've liked you since freshman year. Do you know how humiliating it would be for me if they found out you turned me down for Hong? I couldn't let you ruin my reputation like that."

By now you were seething with anger. "So you ruined mine? I came to school today with the intention of telling you the truth because I thought you were my friend. How could you do this to me?" You were yelling, and people were staring, but you didn't care. 

"Oh please," he scoffed. "You should be thanking me, I did you a favor. You think the Heartbreak Prince would make an exception for you?" He cooed, mockingly. "Besides there's only two months of school left. Who cares if your reputation is ruined, you've always wanted to run away from this town anyways. Now you've got nothing left to hold you back." He patted your head condescendingly before walking away.  

You stood by your car, waiting for everyone to leave your sight before turning and running away. A pair of doe eyes followed.

It's been years since you sat under the maple tree. While you used to sit under it and laugh, this time, you were crying. 

Seungcheol was right, there was nothing holding you back from leaving now. The only thing you cared about enough to keep you in this town was Joshua, but there's no way he'd ever want you back now. 

You sat in the shade, arms wrapped around your knees, head buried between them. You shoulders shook as you sobbed, your breath getting caught in your throat. It was then that you heard it. Music.

At first you thought it was your mind playing tricks on you. As if the ghost of memories past was lingering around the maple tree, playing back the music that used to bring you comfort. Then you heard the crunch of leaves under shoes. 

You looked up and your heart stuttered. Even the thick tears blurring your vision could never keep you from recognizing Joshua. He stood there in front of you, acoustic guitar hanging from his neck, his delicate fingers plucking at the strings. The sun formed a halo around his face from behind, and he looked as ethereal as ever. You dropped your head to your knees again, sobbing harder at the heartbreak and embarrassment you felt after seeing him. 

You felt some movement next to you, and suddenly, the air felt warmer, music louder. Joshua had sat next to you, leaning against the trunk of tree as he continued to play the guitar. For the next thirty minutes, Joshua was a steady presence next to you. He didn't stop playing until you turned to him, breathing finally evened out. You sniffled and rubbed at your swollen eyes while Joshua rummaged through his backpack. There was so much you wanted to say to him, but your throat choked up every time you tried.

Joshua handed you a pack of tissues and kindly looked away as you blew your nose and wiped your tears. "How can I help you?"

Despite it all, you couldn't help but let out a breathy laugh. Of course he didn't ask you something ridiculous like are you ok? or what's wrong? This was Joshua, who always knew the right thing to say. You think in a different circumstance, you would've felt endeared. 

"Are you sure you want to be seen sitting with me? I'm a liar and a snake after all," you looked down at your hands, chipping at the polish on your nails. 

Joshua considered you for a second. "Have you ever lied to me?"

Your eyes snapped towards him as you shook your head frantically. "Never!"

Joshua smiled, reaching out to pat your head. "Then yes, I want to be seen sitting with you. You were my first friend here Y/N. I'd never abandon you."

The whispers still followed you down the hallways, but you didn't care anymore. People called you names, said you were a bad person who used people to her advantage, but it didn't bother you. The students stared and pointed as you made your way to the maple tree that Friday. Your companion was waiting for you, guitar perched on his lap as he scribbled on some sheet music. 

Joshua looked up at you inquisitively, searching your face for something. When he found what he was looking for, he turned back to his guitar, playing an animated tune. You sat beside him and opened your notebook, working on your homework as Joshua played out your emotions for everyone who was eavesdropping.

She's happy, the chords announced. You couldn't help but smile, because he was right. For the first time since sophomore year, you truly felt happy again. 

Once again, you and Joshua fell back into your Friday afternoon routine. One Friday in mid-April, you sat under the maple tree alone. Usually Joshua was there before you, but for some reason, you beat him there this time.

You looked up as voices approached you, and you recognized the girl with Joshua as Minhye. Like always Minhye was a constant presence by Joshua's side and while the sight of them together made your heart clench with jealousy, you tried your best to will it away. After months without him, you were finally back to having Joshua as a friend. If that's the only way you could be with him in this lifetime, then so be it.

They stopped by the bench where the rest of Joshua's friends usually sat. Minhye quickly looked your way before turning back to Joshua. "So anyways, I just wanted to remind you about the scholarship audition. Don't forget to sign up for it."

Joshua nodded his assent before walking towards you. You gave him a quick smile as he sat down and unzipped his guitar case. 

"So...what was that about?" You asked, hesitantly. 

"Oh, it's nothing," he replied, quietly tuning the instrument in his lap. "The state university opened their scholarship portal for prospective music majors and Minhye was reminding me of the deadline."

You nodded, picking at the grass tickling your calves. "Ah, ok."

You paused. "Wait," you scrambled to your knees. "You got in??"

Joshua looked up at you, sheepishly, then nodded. 

You couldn't stop the squeal that made it's way out of your mouth. "Shua, oh my god! That's amazing." 

Before you could process your actions, you lunged at him, holding him tightly around his shoulders. The smell of fresh roses sent your heart racing again, and it wasn't until a few moments had passed that you realized Joshua wasn't hugging you back. 

You pulled away quickly and fell onto your butt, scooting back a bit for good measure. Joshua sat frozen, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. You on the other were apologizing profusely. 

"Joshua I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me, I-"

A warm hand took ahold of your forearm and yanked you back into Joshua's chest. This time, it was your turn to sit shock still as Joshua wrapped his arms around your waist. 

"Thank you," he whispered, his cool breath brushing past the shell of your ear. You felt a shiver run down your spine as you pulled away, looking every where but at Joshua. 

You listened intently as Joshua told you about the incredible music program the state school had to offer. You chanced a glance at him once, and it was probably one of the biggest mistakes you'd ever made. Joshua's eyes sparkled as if the galaxy was held in them. You steeled your resolve. You can't leave this town anymore, not if this is the only place Joshua wants to be. The scout from the state university would be at the championship game. You plan to impress her so much she'll sign that scholarship check then and there, even if it kills you.

It was the night of the state championship game, and for the first time since junior year, you dreaded going. You expected it all, the glares from the students, the whispers from your teammates, the mocking laughter from the football players, but it didn't hurt any less. Still, you led the cheers and did the stunts that were muscle memory by now. 

Your school won and you watched wistfully as your peers rushed the field. The football players lifted their teammates onto their shoulders while everyone hugged and cheered. That was you once before. Now, you walked towards your bag with your head hung, hoping to quickly put away all of your equipment and leave the field before drawing any attention. Unfortunately for you, you were still one of the most talented cheerleaders in the state, and you were still in the running for some major scholarships. 

"Y/N L/N!" You heard your name being called from behind. You turned to face the flock of news reporters, microphones thrusted in your direction. You were asked an endless amount of questions on the game, the upcoming cheer competitions and your thoughts on college. Like you were trained to by your coach, you answered them all professionally, without giving too much away. 

"You know Y/N," a male reporter began, "Word on the field is that you are Lakeside High's own Miss Americana." 

You tilted your head to the side. "Miss Americana?" You asked with a fake smile. 

The reporter laughed, "No need to act so coy Y/N! Miss Americana, the encapsulation of all things good. You're the perfect student: beautiful, smart, talented. What's it like, to be the very thing everyone wishes they could be?"

The microphones were pushed closer to you, everyone curious about your answer. You fisted your hands into the straps of your duffel to alleviate your anxiety, while you kept the pageant smile plastered on your face. 

"Um...well-"

You felt your body get jerked to the side as a heavy arm threw itself across your shoulder. "I should've know it was Y/N hogging all the reporters," Seungcheol joked. "I was waiting so patiently to be interviewed on my winning touchdown." He mock pouted at the cameras, effectively charming the reporters. It took everything in you not to roll your eyes and throw Seungcheol off of you. 

"We were just asking Y/N what it's like to be Miss Americana," the first reporter told Seungcheol. You froze, afraid of how he'd respond. 

Seungcheol pulled you closer to his side, flashing you his infamous dimpled smile. "She's perfect isn't she? They say humans are flawed, but you'd think she's an exception to the rule."

Seungcheol turned back to the reporters while you continued to look at him, bewildered. Why is he suddenly being so nice to you, as if he hasn't been spreading malicious rumors about you all week.

All of a sudden, you noticed his gaze shift towards someone at the back of the group. His smile turned into a smirk. The reporters may not have noticed the shift, but you did. Your heart began to race when you followed his line of sight and saw the scout from your state college. She was looking at you with a smile, and you started to feel giddy. 

She was here to offer you a scholarship, she had to be. If you committed to the university then you'd be close enough to see your family often, to see Joshua often. Finally, it felt like things were falling into place.

Seungcheol let out a theatric sigh, "Too bad our school's sweetheart is going to leave us soon."

Your eyes widened, and you accidentally let your facade slip. Murmurs of confusion rippled through the group in front of you. 

No, no, no. Please don't say it, please-

"Y/N's biggest dream is to leave this little town and go live in a big city on the coast. She's a free spirit," Seungcheol moved his arm from your shoulder to grab a hold of your hand with both of his. "While we'll all miss her, we know we have to let her go so she can thrive. I just hope she doesn't forget us out there in the big leagues."

His eyes flashed to yours, triumph gleaming in his eyes. While the reporters all gasped and started bombarding you with questions, you looked around desperately for the scout. It was too late though. She had already left to go talk to another senior on your team. 

All of those cameras taking photos and videos of you, but not a single one caught the cries you muffled inside as you lost your last chance to be with Joshua Hong.

You didn't have to wait until Friday to see Joshua this time because he came to find you at lunch the following Monday. 

"Hey Y/N!" he sat down in the seat across from you. The cafeteria was full of students, but you had the table all to yourself. You supposed that's what happens when you become public enemy #1. 

"Dani has been running her mouth all over school about how the scout from the state university offered her a full ride," Joshua rolled his eyes, something he seemed to have picked up from you. "Was anyone from UCLA there?" He sounded hopeful. 

You were a little thankful that he seemed to care so much about your future. Lord knows you've given up. It didn't matter where you ended up anymore, not if it meant you'd have to leave Joshua behind. 

You shrugged, "Not that I know of." You pushed around the salad on your plate with a fork. 

Joshua nodded solemnly, staring at your plate. 

"Shua?" He looked up at you, eyebrows raised in question. "Did you apply anywhere else, besides the state school?"

He blinked. "Why?"

You sighed, a bit disappointed. "No reason. Hey, I have to go, I forgot I have to print something for class." You quickly grabbed all of your things before turning towards Joshua. "I'll see you Friday?"

He looked like he was going to say something, but you had already turned and walked away. 

It was the Friday before prom. You sat under the maple tree, waiting for Joshua to join you. You watched as his group walked through the courtyard, when a girl stopped them to get Joshua's attention. While he split away from them to speak to her, the rest of Joshua's friends moved to their bench. When you made eye contact with Minhye, you gave her a cordial smile, which she took as an invitation to approach you. 

"Hi Y/N," she greeted you kindly.

"Hi Minhye, how are you?" You watched as she sat in front you, tucking her legs underneath her as she smoothed out her skirt. 

"I'm fine, thank you for asking!" You glanced over her shoulder as she spoke, distracted by the interaction between the girl on volleyball team and Joshua. "Looks like he's turning her down too," Minhye commented, when she noticed where your gaze was directed. 

You nodded, silently, hoping the relief wasn't too evident on your face. You played with your bracelet, feeling awkward as Minhye studied you. 

"Are you going to prom tomorrow?" She asked after a moment of silence. 

You shrugged, "I'm not sure yet. I don't really have anyone to go with." A part of you was afraid you'd be met with pity when you made eye contact with Minhye. Instead, you were pleasantly surprised when she simply nodded in understanding. 

"If you do decide to go, Hansol, Jihoon and Soonyoung will be there. They'll definitely keep you company if you'd like," she smiled reassuringly. It was just as you feared. You couldn't dislike Minhye no matter how hard you tried. She was refined, thoughtful, and clearly very talented. No wonder Joshua liked her. 

"You're not going?" you asked, genuinely curious. 

Minhye sighed in disappointment. "I can't, the Dean of Fine and Performing Arts from the state university is coming tomorrow to hold scholarship auditions. Mine is at 8 pm and Josh goes at 8:30, so he can't go either."

You're not sure why your heart clenched in pain. It wouldn't have mattered whether Joshua went or not, it wasn't like he was going to go with you. Still, whatever small flame of hope you had in you that Joshua might ask you to the dance was finally snuffed out. There was a sudden chill in the air around you. 

You plastered on a smile as you looked at Minhye. "Good luck for tomorrow then. You won't need it though. I've watched you perform. They'd be at a loss if they pass you up as a student."

You brushed away the curl that fell into your face as Minhye grinned at you. "Thanks!" A burst of laughter caught both of your attention as your turned towards the bench where Joshua had joined his friends. 

"You know Y/N," Minhye turned back you, speaking in hushed tones. "I used to think it was so cold sitting under this tree. I never understood why Josh insisted on sitting here every week, even if he was by himself." She stood up, brushing the dirt off her clothes. "I get it now," she dropped a wink in your direction. 

By now, Joshua had joined you both, setting his things down as he greeted you. "What do you get now?"

"Oh nothing," Minhye smiled cryptically. "It's kinda warm under the tree today, isn't it Josh?"

He hummed thoughtfully. "Yeah, I guess it is."

As you laid in bed that night, you thought back to the conversation you had with Joshua after Minhye left. 

"What was she talking to you about?" Joshua questioned, skeptically. 

"She was just asking me if I was going to go to prom," you answered, rummaging through your bag for a calculator. 

Joshua wordlessly handed you his own before asking, "Are you? Going, I mean."

You shook your head. "Nah, I might pass."

Joshua's eyes widened in shock. "Why not? You've been looking forward to this since your mom gave you her old dress for your 15th birthday!"

Your mouth dropped open as your heart fluttered in your chest. You couldn't believe he'd remembered that small detail you'd shared with him one day years ago in practice room B. 

You turned your head away, hoping your hair would hide your red cheeks from him. "Yeah but I don't have friends to go with anymore. Minhye said your other friends would keep me company but I don't want to submit them to the life of being friends with a social pariah"

Joshua began to speak but you interrupted. "I know what you're going to say. You're going to say that I shouldn't let what everyone else thinks about me stop me from doing what I want." He snapped his mouth shut, shoulders slumped as a sign that you were right. "But, it's exhausting Shua. To pretend it doesn't bother me. Prom is the only other big social event we have left, besides graduation. I'd rather just skip it and lay low."

He watched you for a moment as you scribbled equations in your notebook. Then, he slammed his binder shut, causing your jump and streak your pen across the paper. Joshua turned to completely face you before grabbing ahold of your shoulders. 

"Y/N, you've spent the entirety of this semester avoiding everyone but me because you wanted to avoid being the center of attention. Yet, you were all anyone ever talked about anyways. I know it's a cringe nickname that you hate but you're our school's Miss Americana for a reason. Seungcheol spread those nasty rumors because he couldn't have what he wanted, you. Dani has been telling anything with a pulse about her full ride because she thinks she took it away from you. People want what's yours because they envy you. Use it." 

You were so fascinated by Joshua that you couldn't look away. His eyes were wide, alight with a mixture of emotions you couldn't quite place. You'd only ever seen him so passionate like this with one other thing: music. He was looking at you the way he did when he played music. 

It was like the whole world melted away. You couldn't hear anything but Joshua, see anything but Joshua. You felt like you were falling in love with him all over again.

A knock at your door startled you out of your reverie. 

"Hi sweetheart," your mom poked her head into your room. "I just wanted to say good night!"

You scrambled out of bed. "Mom!" She came back into your room, alarmed by your agitation. 

"Remember your old prom dress?"

A smile started to slowly take over your mom's face. "The one you said you didn't need anymore because you weren't going to prom."

You nodded, blushing as you thought back to Joshua's speech. "Can you bring it back out?"

It was seven o'clock at night when you stood outside the convention center, goosebumps erupting on your skin from both the wind chill and nerves. 

They envy you. Use it.  

Joshua's voice echoed in your mind as you willed up the courage to step inside. You looked down at your phone, quickly sending a text to the boy.

I'm at prom. I hope you're right about this. And good luck with your audition. You'll kill it.

With one last deep breath, you made your way to the ballroom. The music was loud, the bass vibrating the ground beneath your feet. Still, it was deafening, the way people began to whisper, a ripple of silence making its way through the room as your classmates began to notice that you had shown up after all.  

You considered tucking your tail between your legs and running back home. You were only confident when you were with Joshua, you should've known this was a bad idea from the start. Suddenly, a hand grabbed your wrist. You jumped and turned, yanking your hand away. 

"Woah, it's just me!" Hansol held both his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you."

You placed a hand to your chest as you caught your breath. "No I'm sorry, I guess I'm a bit jumpy." You nodded hello to Jihoon and Soonyoung, who both gave you kind smiles. 

"C'mon you can sit with us," Soonyoung said as he led you to one of the tables lining the side of the room. "You're a little late for appetizers but Jihoon grabbed an extra plate for you just in case you decided to show up. Here, eat!"

A small paper plate with some french fries and a cookie was placed in front of the empty chair that you guessed was yours. Your heart swelled at the boys' kindness, but you were also a bit worried. Everyone was still staring, except now, they were looking at the boys too. 

"Don't worry," Jihoon leaned in and whispered. "Any friend of Josh's is a friend of ours." You looked at the three faces who were smiling sweetly at you as you sat down. You hoped your own smile conveyed the gratitude you were unable to put into words. You sat with your back towards the dance floor. Maybe this was also planned by the boys, to keep your face hidden from the others and their faces hidden from you. 

They boys conversed with each other as you sat and listened, adding your own comments when they included you. When the music changed, Soonyoung shot to his feet. "I love this song, let's dance!"

You giggled at the pure joy in his face. That was until he grabbed your hand instead of Hansol's or Jihoon's. "Let's go, please!" he begged, bouncing on the balls of his feet. You looked at the other boys for help but they just snickered, amused at the scene. 

"There's no way he'll let you go now Y/N, you have no choice but to dance with us," Hansol called as he walked away with Jihoon. You surrender to Soonyoung's pleading, allowing him to drag you to the dance floor. You feigned annoyance, but secretly, you were glad the boys pushed you to dance with them. You finally felt you were enjoying the night. 

About an hour later, it was time to announce Prom King and Queen. Everyone returned to their tables and you applauded kindly as the couples who were voted for Prom Court walked down the dance floor to the stage. When you saw Seungcheol and Dani walk by, you sighed. There was a time, when you were a child, that you imagined you'd be Prom Queen, like your mom. Then, there was a time, after you'd met Joshua, that you imagined you'd be Prom Queen, and he'd be Prom King. It was just a fantasy though, and fantasies are just that: an imagination about something that's impossible to make true. 

To no one's surprise, Seungcheol and Dani were voted King and Queen, and they basked in the attention as everyone cooed during their slow dance. When it was time for all the couples the join, a few girls approached your table, asking the boys if they'd like to dance. Your three companions turned to you, eyes big and hopeful. It was clear that while they didn't want to leave you alone, they wanted to dance with these girls. 

"Go ahead," you gave them your signature (fake) smile. "I'll be fine!"

Soonyoung didn't look so convinced. "Are you sure?"

"We'll stay here with you if you want, just say the word!" Hansol added.

"If you'd like, we can dance with you instead," Jihoon nodded in agreement.

You tried to ignore the glare the girls shot you after that last comment. "Seriously you guys, I'm fine, go!" You waved them away, the smile staying on your face until they were out of your sight. You watched wistfully as everyone but you danced under the glittering chandelier. After two slow songs played in a row, and a third one started, you huffed. You took this as a sign that it's time for you to go home. You had just risen from your seat when the people on the dance floor began to gasp and turn to stare at the door to the ballroom. You tried to peek over the crowd but you couldn't see anything. 

"What's going on?" you muttered to yourself, as you walked towards the crowd. The gasps began to turn into whispers of a name.

Is that Joshua? What's he doing here? I can't believe Joshua came.

Your heart began to pick up speed absurdly in hopes that you heard right, that Joshua was here. 

Your brain began to scold your heart to be reasonable, Joshua is at his audition, why would he be here?

The students in front of you began to step to the side, and when you were finally able to see what was going on, you were astonished. There, standing on the other side of the room was Joshua. Your Joshua. 

Your feet were rooted to the ground, unable to move as you stared in pure shock. Joshua was here. Alone. Walking towards you.

When he got close enough, when you caught the scent of roses wafting from his skin, you reached out and slapped his arm.

"Ow!" Joshua looked at you, betrayed. He rubbed at his bicep. "What was that for?" 

"What are you doing here?" you hissed, completely oblivious to the onlookers around you. "Don't you have an audition at 8:30?"

Joshua simply nodded. "I do."

You looked down at the watch on his wrist. "It's 8:20, why are you here and not there?"

You stared, dumbfounded as he shrugged, nonchalantly. "I realized that it's more important for me to be here. With you." He was looking at you with the same smile he gave you the day you first met. The one that made you fall in love with him. The one that meant don't worry, you have nothing to be worried about. It was carefree, brilliant, beautiful.

You were at a loss for words, completely mesmerized by the boy standing in front of you. Your mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. Joshua laughed endearingly, reaching out to tuck a curl behind your ear, before cupping your cheek.

"How long have you loved me?"

This snapped you out of your trance. You jerked back as a strangled noise escaped your throat, but Joshua reached out with his other hand and gripped your upper arm, holding you close to him.

"How long have you loved me Y/N?" he whispered, so softly you were sure no one else could hear but you, despite the pin drop silence that engulfed the whole room. "Because I've loved you since my first day here."

Your heart stopped beating. Your brain stopped thinking. Everything stopped. It was like the world froze, and only you and Joshua existed in it. 

"I should've told you from the start but you dreamt of leaving this town, I didn't want to hold you back. I was afraid that if I told you I loved you, then I would've also asked you to stay, and I couldn't let myself be the one thing that stood in the way of your happiness."

By now, Joshua's hands were holding yours, and he began to speak louder, as if he wanted everyone in the room to hear what he had to say. "So I pulled away from you. I thought that if I distanced myself from you, then the feelings would go away. Except they didn't. I still loved you, and it was a steady sort of love, one that didn't waver whether you were with me or if you were gone. I found comfort in that, knowing that I'd still love you, even if you left me behind some day."

You choked on a sob, remembering when you'd told yourself the same thing. That you'd always love Joshua, even if you left this town, with him in it. 

Joshua let out a breathy laugh, wiping your tears away with his thumb. "I didn't go through with my audition because I don't want to be here without you. You asked me once why someone would want to move to middle of nowhere America and leave all their friends behind. My answer is you. If I had known back then that I'd find someone like you in the middle of nowhere America," you couldn't help but laugh as you cried harder. "I'd leave LA all over again. In a heartbeat."

You reached up to hold Joshua's shoulders and pressed your forehead to his. "You have a flair for the dramatics, who would've guessed," you teased, and he laughed, holding your face in his hands so delicately, you felt precious. 

"I'm confessing to Y/N L/N, the town sweetheart, I couldn't be boring."

You smiled so wide, the way you do only when you're with Joshua. "I've loved you since I first met you, and I've been dying for you to kiss me ever since."

"Thank God," Joshua sighed in relief. "I'm tired of waiting."

When he leaned it to kiss you, it felt like you could finally breathe again. It wasn't explosive or dramatic. It was steady and warm, just like Joshua. His lips felt like silk against yours, his eyelashes tickling your skin as they brushed against your cheek. The sweet scent of roses engulfed you, and you felt your body relax into Joshua's chest. His grip tightened around your waist, causing your breath to hitch. Joshua pulled away slightly, gently bumping your nose with his as you opened your eyes to look at him.

You vaguely hear voices around you, but it doesn't register that you kissed Joshua in front of the entire senior class until Soonyoung whoops "Finally!"

You pull away and look around at all the faces staring back at you. Most of them were shocked, some of them were accepting, and a few were fond (Hansol, Jihoon and Minhye, who must've come with Joshua after her audition). Seungcheol and Dani looked at you with a mix of defeat and anger, and for the first time in a while, you didn't care. 

You look back at Joshua proudly, who smiled at you knowingly. "It's just you and me."

The music started up again, and while everyone around you started to dance, you stood there in Joshua's arms. People still whispered about you, but you didn't care. Right now, your whole world was just Joshua, and nothing else around you seemed to matter anymore.

"Babe, c'mon!" More knocks sounded on the door to your dorm room. "We're going to miss our flight!"

You opened the door to your loving boyfriend, who at the moment, was scowling at you. "I called you thirty minutes ago to tell you I was on my way. What happened?"

You rolled your eyes, "Shua you should be proud of me. I packed all my stuff in under thirty minutes." You brandished your arms wide, showing off your neatly packed luggage.

You felt a bit guilty for riling your boyfriend up on purpose, but you thought it was incredibly endearing how big his eyes and smile got when he got upset. "I can't belie-"

You cut him off with a quick kiss, pulling away with a big smile. It was physically visible, the way he melted when you looked at him like that. "It's just a one year reunion Shua." You say as you pass him your bags. "If you ask me, it's way too soon to 'get back in touch' with the people who made my life a living hell last year."

Joshua shot you an amused look before reaching out to tug on one of your curls. "Really? Because I think you're secretly dying to show off your new life in Los Angeles, and how you're so much better off."

You shot him look of fake annoyance. "I hate how well you can read me."

"No you don't!" he sing-songs back, walking down the hallway towards the elevator with your luggage. 

You turn to grab your keys off the wall hook, eyes catching on the photo above it. Preserved in a simple black frame is a page from your senior yearbook. Written under a candid picture of you and Joshua sitting under your maple tree are the words 

Most likely to run away together: Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince. 

#seventeen #fanfic #kpop #seventeen fanfic #joshua hong #hong jisoo #joshua x reader #svt joshua #svt fic #seventeen fic

[tj-crochets]

I got new sheet music that’s got a book per decade and it’s so much fun but also my voice is almost gone I sang too much lol 

#the person behind the yarn #the 80s decade is weirdly expensive #so I got the 60s-2010s except for the 80s #as a present to myself for getting my taxes done/going to a three hour dentist visit/finishing commissions #and other general adulting-type tasks that needed doing #mostly the taxes and the dentist those not gonna lie #it was the tax return that gave me the idea and then I went to the dentist and was like yep new sheet music time #so far I have played through the 60s and knew more music than I expected to from the 60s? #space bear is almost done! I got the face sewn on and the head sewn today #so just the body left to make #I haven't actually cut fabric out for the weighted poly pellet pouch either I should do that #once I catch my breath from singing so much lol #I no longer have asthma attacks from singing too much! I get tired and a little out of breath but no asthma! #I'm counting it as a major win even if I couldn't play all my new sheet music today

[dreaming-twist]

THAT'S NOT FAIR!

I wrote something self-indulgent for myself ~

Note: "(Y/n)" has her/she pronouns. And sorry if the translator changed any pronoun, I re-read it already but if something's left I'll correct it later!

At NRC, there weren't many opportunities for an entire course to come together in one class, but this was one of those days when it did. Professor Vargas had told all his students something about how observing other people, apart from classmates, could awaken in each one a feeling of improvement and rivalry that would make them try harder everyday. And having said that, he gathered all the first-year classes in the schoolyard, so that each of the students could do the sport that they most wanted.

Ace, Deuce and (Y/n) –who was carring Grim– walked around looking sideways in search of their friends, and after a few seconds they saw Jack's hand, calling for them above all the student heads around. The four of them made room to pass netween their classmates, and found Jack and Epel there.

"Hey ~" Ace greeted, raising his hand. Deuce and Epel bumpled their fists, and Jack smiled. "Well, I'll be brief: Basketball"

"You're making up your own mind, Ace" Grim said reluctantly.

"You know, there are two people here from the athletic club, if we were to pick something by majority we would win" Deuce commented casually, glancing at Jack.

Ace mockingly mimicked him, then put his arms behind his head.

"What do you want to play then?"

"Anything, I only want to start moving NOW" said Epel, who had already begun to stretch.

"Same here" Jack said, folding his arms. "I just want something to keep me going."

"Well, then it's decided!" Ace turned away, before Deuce could say anything to him. "I'm going for a ba—!"

"I THINK that what Professor Vargas wants is for us to try new experiences."

"UWAH!" Ace was startled to see someone cutting him off, which he almost bumped in. "SEBEK!? Since WHEN were you there!?"

Sebek arched an eyebrow, not changing his expression too much.

"I have listened to your conversation from the very beginning, human. If that's what you mean."

"... Well, now that we are 7 at least we can play 3 VS 3."

"... Huh? But if we were 6 before, right?";(Y/n) said, counting.

"Ah— did you count Grim? 'Cause I didn't"

"HEY, ACE! I'M GONNA TO HIT YOU, YOU SEE!" Grim yelled at him angrily as Ace held up his tongue.

"AS I WAS SAYING," Sebek began, walking a few more steps to the other boys, "I think trying something that no one practices on a regular basis would be a much more enriching experience for everyone."

Ace narrowed his eyes at him, though Sebek didn't seem to have noticed him. Deuce put a hand to his chin thoughtfully.

"Sounds like a good option to me, actually" he said, glancing at (Y/n) and Grim, who nodded. Jack seemed to be listening intently, and Epel's eyes were fixed on Sebek, since he wanted to get started as soon as possible. "Do you have any suggestions, Sebek?"

"Hmpf. Of course I do" he said, smiling, and then headed straight for a bench.

They all looked at each other without understanding anything, and followed him. Sebek ended up sitting up and putting his elbow on the table, and when everyone saw him smile proudly they knew what it was about.

"Arm wrestling? Like, seriously?" Ace asked, looking bored. He sought support from the others, looking at them, but he was surprised to see everyone really wanting to get started.

"Do you think you can beat me?" Jack asked confidently. "I was competing against Leona-senpai some days ago."

"Impressive, but yes: I think I can win. Do not underestimate the bodyguard of the great Malleus Draconia."

Jack smiled and sat down at the table, and they both put their hands together for a second after they started. They were both too strong, so they just smiled while straining.

Epel was looking at them with super bright eyes, and then he turned to Deuce, clenching his fists tightly.

"DEUCE! We are next! I'm not losing to you!"

Deuce looked at him in surprise, but then his grimace changed to a crooked smile as he collided with one of his fists against his other hand.

"I'm going to do everything I can to win you over, huh?" He said, and Epel was quick to nod and sit up to go against him.

They both put their elbows on the table and clasped their hands, and on the count of three they started. From the start Deuce seemed to have the upper hand, but Epel didn't give up on the first try, keeping his arm up for a long time. Deuce knew that if he used as much force as in his past days, he could win, but he was no longer like that, so he gave his all without going to extremes that were not going to be good for him or for his opponent. But still, he was struggling. And that made him feel proud of his friend, who seemed to be getting stronger every day through training and perseverance.

"Epel, your training seems to be paying off" Deuce said, smiling, though his tone darkened a bit afterward. "But I'm not going to let you beat me."

"HA!" said Epel, cocky. "We both train very hard, but there is something that I have and you don't ~"

Deuce arched an eyebrow not knowing what his opponent was planning on him... until he fixed his eyes on him: Epel was looking at him with the brightest and most adorable eyes he'd ever seen.

"Huuum, Deuce-kun, you're too strong ... I'm not going to be able to beat you ... ~"

Deuce shuddered when he heard that high-pitched tone of voice suddenly, which made Epel suddenly use more force and knock down Deuce's arm, thus winning the game. Epel stood up with a jump, returning to his normal voice again.

"TAKE THAT, YOU LOSER! WOOOOOOO!"

Deuce blinked a few times, unaware of what had just happened. But as he recovered, he snapped his eyes open and pointed at Epel, embarrassed.

"EPEL! THAT'S NOT FAIR!

"What's not fair?" Epel asked, pretending to be oblivious, but without losing his smile.

"Deuce... You have to lose that irrational fear you have of women... Or well, of everything just a little femenine, ya know" Ace said, sighing.

"It's not irrational! EPEL! I DEMAND ANOTHER MATCH!"

"Eeeeeh...?"

Ace, Grim and (Y/n) stood watching them argue a bit, not saying anything ... until Ace and (Y/n) ended up looking sideways. And Ace then showed a mocking smile.

"... Weeeell, (Y/n)... Do you want me to crush you?~"

"You speak very confidently for being the weaklest guy in the basketball club, Ace" Grim said quickly, to which (Y/n) gave a small laugh.

"WEAKL...! All right, Grim, you against me! But if you end up crying don't blame me, huh"

"Whatever, I'm gonna win you over."

Ace sat down at the table and Grim jumped on top of it. They both put their arms in position and on the count of three, they started the match... which ended just as quickly.

"... Wait, WHAT!?" That scream sounded so loud that other students turned to look his way. "THAT'S NOT FAIR! (Y/N)! WHY HAVE YOU HELPED HIM!?"

"Hum? What are you talking about?" (Y/n) asked innocently, whose hand was on Grim's paw, and both of them had managed to knock Ace down in no time.

"HEY, DON'T PLAY FOOL!"

"Tch, tch, tch ... Ace, my minion and I are one student. If you are looking for a fight with me, you are looking for it with her. This is how things are ~"

Meanwhile, Sebek and Jack continued to compete. Neither of them seemed to want to give in and be the last loser of the day.

"Aren't you tired yet, Sebek?"

"Not at all. I am totally focused on our match."

"Heh. I supposed it. Although it seems that the others have already finished. We should finish soon.”

"HA! That those humans and that magic monster are not as good as us is none of our business."

"... You're right, I just have to beat you."

That made everyone turn their heads towards the two of them, especially Ace and Deuce, the losers from the previous rounds. The two of them frowned at being treated like that, looked at each other, and ended up reading each other's minds. Epel, Grim and (Y/n) could feel how they weren't planning anything good... even though they couldn't say anything about it. Ace and Deuce took a breath then, and...

"M-M-MALLEUS-SENPAI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?"

"KINGSCHOLAR-SENPAI! HAVE YOU COME TO WATCH JACK'S MATCH?"

And then, Sebek and Jack reacted at the same time, getting up from the place very upright, turning to see their superiors ...

"WAKA-SAMA, IT'S AN HONOR—!"

"LEONA-SENPAI, I WAS—"

... Only to realize that they were nowhere to be found.

"WOW, Sebek, looks like you've lost, huh? ~"

"Now we're in the same boat, Jack ~"

The two of them were stunned to realize that they had given up at the same time, and thus, they had both lost.

"Good work, Deuce-kun ~

"Same there, Ace-kun ~

Ace and Deuce bumpled fists, grinning. When they weren't arguing, the truth was that they made a great team. Although...

"... Uh... You two... I don't think it's time to celebrate."

They both turned to Grim and could see Sebek and Jack getting dangerously close to them, stretching their arms and clenching their fists.

"Time to show them who the losers are"

"I was going to say the exact same thing"

Epel, Grim, and (Y/n) stood, watching the chase live... until Epel finally said something.

"Well... do you want to take one more?"

"Of course! This is the one to see who wins!" Grim said, jumping back onto the table.

"No cheating this time, okay? We will play as it should from the beginning" (Y/n) said him, laughing, and placing her hand on Grim's paw.

Epel smiled and joined them, getting ready.

"OK! So... AT THE COUNT OF THREE...!"

#twst #twisted wonderland #epel felmier #deuce spade #ace trappola #jack howl #sebek zigvolt #grim #twst imagines #twst writing #self indulgent

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Six

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Five

Read on wattpad here.

Word count: 3.3k

Warning(s): Explicit language, drug abuse, explicit sexual situations

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"If you weren't such an asshole, he wouldn't have to take up for me!" I bark at Nikki as he tipsily stumbles around, ranting at me about my "fucking friend not minding his own god damn business" nearly a week ago, as the guys and Doc just look on, not knowing what the hell either of us are talking about.

"I'm an asshole?! Like you don't get me riled up and then play victim?!" He throws at me.

"Like it takes very much to get your tweaked-out ass riled up!" I point at him.

"Bitch!" He sneers out.

"Fuck up!" I hiss back.

Duff wasn't even out of line with Nikki. He had kept calm and advised Nikki to cool down and then come back and talk to me instead of getting himself and me upset.

Nikki hadn't let on if he minded Duff's intervening to defend me, until a week later, because he was taking it as Duff trying to tell him how to be married to me as if he knew me better than Nikki did, which wasn't at all Duff's intention.

Compared to the number I've seen Duff do on guys during a fist fight, Nikki was lucky he didn't lay him out in the driveway. However, he would eventually know what it felt like to be punched in the face by Duff during the "Girls" tour.

Duff was good at keeping his cool until the people he cared about became involved, and if he had been drinking a lot--which, towards the early 90s, that was the case--his temper could surpass mine, and he worried less about legalities and just started decking people as hard as he could.

I knew he struggled with the band, they weren't as close, Steven had been replaced by Matt Sorum, Izzy got sober and began distancing himself to stay sober, and to top off the disconnect from each other, Axl had become God in his own mind, which caused the fans, the band, and the people around him to suffer.

Once I realized his drinking and drug use became so overzealous, our agreement which was arranged out of court, that each of us have two weeks with Monroe a piece, became an arrangement that I had sole custody but took Monroe to visit his father for a few days out of the month. Duff was struggling so badly to keep it together with his mental health, addiction, and ailing of his band, that he didn't really notice I had our son more than he did.

If he had been a baby and wouldn't remember his father throwing back Solo cup after Solo cup of vodka, putting cocaine in the end of his cigarette and smoking it, and not acting like himself, I would have just left Monroe in the care of Tansy (since she was fully sober then) and let him stay around for two weeks.

But he was four when Duff started speeding down hill, and he was picking up on when his dad wasn't talking right and when he was acting weird, everything he saw that no one knew he was paying attention to...then he'd come back to me and Nikki after visiting and tell us about everything he had absorbed like a sponge: uncle Izzy traveling separately from the band, Dad being really cold and shivering until he got some water, uncle Axl not singing until a lot of people went home...that's when I decided to cut back time spent with his father and accompany him through his visits.

At first I thought I would be fine staying the two weeks out of the month with Monroe, but Axl and I couldn't quit fighting a majority of the time (because he was a jackass) and I came to the conclusion that Duff had enough on his plate and didn't need me to add to it by trying to punch Axl every chance I got for two weeks straight. So I cut it back to about five days out the month while they were on tour. When they weren't touring and I didn't have to be around Axl, Monroe and I would stay with Duff for about a week and a half.

Being that Nikki was more conscious than Duff, he took up where Duff had left off in the fathering department from '92-'94. This isn't me bashing the dad of my first child, either. Duff is and always will be a phenomenal father, but he stumbled for a few years, leaving Nikki to become the father Duff was supposed to be until Duff got his shit together, like Duff became the man for me that Nikki was suppose to be until Nikki got his shit together.

"Um..." Vince says, causing the both of us to glare at him. "...Can we rehearse now?"

He, Tommy, Mick and Doc were all patiently waiting for Nikki and I to finish our quarrel.

"Yeah." I sigh out. "Have a good rehearsal. I'll be at Tansy's." I head to the door.

"I hope you crash." Nikki gets one last jab in.

"I hope you OD." I leave them with the slamming of the studio door and step to my car.

Of course I didn't actually want him to OD, I just wanted to hurt him. And I did.

By the time it was time for the U.S. tour of Theater of Pain, our hands were being pinned behind our backs, and Doc was giving us a "get along or there's no Vivian Sixx on the tour" promise.

Although we were in the middle of a small battle and wanted nothing more than for the other person to wave their white flag and beg for forgiveness, Nikki didn't want to imagine going months without seeing me, and I was scared if I wasn't on tour to keep an eye on him, he would take his issues too far.

So we made up for the sake of each other's sanity, but again, never discussed what exactly happened to make us fight to begin with, and just harbored resentment we didn't realize we were holding onto until we started taking it out on each other later on.

The tour starts in upstate New York, then to Connecticut, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and all went great...until Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Nikki's coming to the side of the stage where me and his tech are standing, and I think he's reaching for some water while Tommy plays his drum solo, but before I can reach down and grab a bottle from the cooler behind me, Nikki's saying words I always dread hearing.

"Help me, dude." He tells his tech, starting to pull his arm out of his navy and white polka-dotted costume.

"What?" I ask Nikki, before my face pales, seeing him pull a needle out of his boot, and a spoon before handing the lump of tar to him. "You cannot be fucking serious?" I spout over the booming of Tommy's playing.

"Nobody out there can fucking see me, Viv, chill out." He tells me as a piece of tar is melted down with a lighter underneath the spoon.

The fact that it's so casual for him to do this in front of me, is startling.

"Nikki, this can't wait?" I try to reason with him as the spoon is discarded to the floor once the gold is sucked up through the needle.

The syringe is handed back to him, and Tommy's solo is nearly over.

I have to squeeze my eyes shut and turn my head as Nikki plunges the needle into his skin, throws up, then stumbles back on stage, nearly missing his cue.

When the drugs started to override his need for a great performance, I knew he was gone.

I get out of the shower, ringing my hair out and running my fingers through it, hearing the phone in the hotel room ring.

When I go to answer it, Nikki and Tommy are grabbing at it, shewing me away.

"Hello?" They both obnoxiously say and I roll my eyes.

The person on the other side of the phone says something.

"Oh, hey, Duff." Nikki smirks, glancing at me and I give him a "you better be fucking nice" look.

"Hey, Buddy." Tommy adds.

"Viv? Yeah, she's here." Nikki tells him and I step to them, reaching my hand out to grab the phone, thinking he's going to give it to me. "Well, she can't really talk right now with my dick down her throat."

My eyes bug out of my head as I tackle Nikki and yank the phone from him while he and Tommy laugh loudly.

"Hello?" I ask.

"Hey, s-sorry to interrupt but I was just gonna call and check how it's been going." Duff replies.

"It's great." I assure him, leaving out the heavy drinking and drug binge Nikki and Tommy have been on.

"How's Nikki been? Is he still pissed at me?"

"No, no, he's been..." I think of what to say. Shooting heroin on stage? Coked out and shooting Jack Daniels with Tommy? "...great." I finally say, seeing Nikki and Tommy biting each others ankles like dogs.

"I'm sorry again if I overstepped, Viv. I didn't mean to, I just got a little pissed." He tells me.

"Duff, he's fine, I promise." I state, seeing Tommy and Nikki start wrestling, completely oblivious to my conversation. "It's fine. I'm use to his tantrums."

"I don't think that's healthy, Viv." He tells me calmly and I let out a breath.

"He's just stressed out, they all are. It'll get better once this tour is done."

"And what happens next tour?" He asks me.

Nikki's affair is outed on television, I try to kill him, your band comes on tour with them, and you get me knocked up...

"I'm hoping he'll be over this hellion phase by then." I admit, Tommy and Nikki each have handfuls of each other's hair, yanking on it, still not paying me any attention.

"Maybe it's not my place, but from outside looking in, I'm worried about you, Viv."

"I know, I know, but there's no need to." I reassure him.

He let's out a breath, knowing he can't win, and gives up for now.

"I feel like the fucking brick wall you argue with." He tells me and I smile, rubbing my lips together, before seeing Nikki and Tommy finish their play fighting, standing up, looking like they're about to leave.

"Hey, I gotta go but I'll call you when we get to the next city, alright?" I tell him.

"Oh, yeah, that sounds good." He replies. "Goodnight, love you."

"Love you, too." I reply before hanging up just as Nikki and Tommy sneak to the door. "Where do you two think you're going?" I ask and they freeze.

"Uh, well..." Tommy stutters to come up with an excuse, but Nikki just doesn't give a shit.

"Score some stuff." He tells me and I cross my arms over my towel.

"Nikki--"

"Tommy, can you give us a second?" Nikki says it like the answer can't be "no."

Tommy just raises his brows a little and nods.

"Sure, man, I'll be in my room when you're ready." He tells him, stepping out.

Nikki shuts the door behind him and I wait for him to start a fight, my brow raised, an expression of "can't wait to hear what audacious bullshit comes out of your mouth this time" is plastered all over my face when he turns around.

As far as I can tell, he hasn't snorted, shot up or smoked anything in the past hour and a half, which means I'm not facing the absolute devil that goes by the name "Sikki" and is Nikki's evil, drug loaded, irritable, mean, scary, abusive, demonic, sadistic, cruel, vindictive, disgusting alter-ego.

Nikki rolls his jaw a little with each step to me, but I don't cower back, waiting for him to say whatever it is he is going to say.

His hands bunch at my towel, pulling me against him.

He doesn't say a word, and I keep my arms crossed until he holds back the inkling of a smirk, leaning down to press a small kiss where my shoulder and neck meet.

I know what he's doing, because I do it to him all the time: using sex to get what he wants.

I bite my tongue to keep from moaning when we realizes I'm not budging and ups the anti, the tip of his tongue making slow, figure-eights in the same spot.

I feel like someone's knocked the back of my knees loose with a baseball bat, and I have to uncross my arms and hold tightly to him to keep from falling down.

He completely engulfs me in his arms at the sound of me letting out a whimper, my fingers grabbing at his hair, my legs rubbing themselves together to aid some relief.

His hands pull at my towel, discarding it to the floor, pressing his lips along my chest, over my breast, running his tongue around my nipple skillfully.

Hands run themselves between my legs while teeth carnally tug and bruise my skin, sending a wave of heat from my chest to my dripping core.

His mouth moves to my other nipple, but my real undoing is when his teeth trail down to the rib below my right breast, and bite down.

I gasp out, arching into him, my head tips back as he adds a bruise to the skin there that's already scarred with his teeth imprints collected over the years.

He smooths his tongue over the bite before trailing down my stomach, pressing to my pubic bone.

He pulls one of my legs over his shoulder as he gets on his knees, pressing gentle kisses down my inner thigh.

My chest is heaving with loss of breath as he looks me in the eyes and runs tongue from my entrance to my clit.

I dig my nails into his hands that hold steady at my waist as the slick sound and euphoric feeling of his tongue lacing back and forth and side to side against the sensitive nerve endings.

He pulls away for a moment, only to spit between my legs and suck it off my pussy, making my one standing leg go numb at the sensation.

Shallow pants leave my mouth as I start moving in rhythm with him, one of my hands reaching for his hair, pulling at it.

He takes one of his hands from me before rubbing it against my folds, getting his fingers wet, and sliding them into me.

The thick, fullness has my walls tightening around the two digits, eager to please myself as his tongue massages my clit, and my fingers come up to play with my own nipples.

"Nikki." I let out shakily, his fingers curling inside of me, pulling back out, pushing back in only to repeat. "Fuck, you do it so good." I praise hoarsely, one of my hands going back to his hair.

His tongue picks up it's pace, sending my heart rate into overdrive as his fingers keep up with the pace.

He knows exactly what he's doing, smirking up at me when his fingers hit the spot, my throat unable to contain the loud but curt moan that the people in the room next to us can probably hear as I milk his fingers as if they're his cock and my orgasm gets closer and closer.

He pulls his mouth away, licking his lips, before using the pad of his thumb from his other hand to rapidly rub at my swollen flesh.

I grip around his fingers so tightly it falters his ability to move them as well, and he lets out a little groan.

"I wish I could be three places at one time." He comments.

If he could be three places in me at one time I would be wrapped around him 24/7.

"C'mon, Viv, I'm getting really thirsty here." He says gruffly, that fucking smirk pulling at a corner of his mouth, as I throw my head back, letting out another loud moan, so close to my end I can taste it.

His hazel eyes looking up at me in adoration as I curl my toes and come so hard I see black dots.

He's taking his fingers out of me, grabbing at my ass with both hands, pulling me into him and licking every last drop of cum from me before I collapse on top of him, the both of us landing on the floor.

He let's out a laugh as I try to catch my breath, my chest pressed against his, my hands holding at his biceps.

"Are you okay?" He asks me, proudly, and I nod.

"I just need a minute..." I can barely get out in a rasp.

After about five minutes, I'm getting off of him and pulling myself onto the foot of the bed.

He stands up, too, stepping to my suitcase, tossing me one of his shirts he gave to me.

"Thank you." I say to him quietly and pull it on and when he pulls his jacket on, I know he's about to go out to get some more smack.

This terrifies me and tears come to my eyes.

"I'll be back in..." He stops talking, furrowing his brows, looking at me. "...Viv?"

I shake my head a little, waving him off.

"I'm fine, babe." I try to tell him.

"Vivian, why're crying." He asks me.

"I-I think I'm about to start my period." I lie, sniffling. "I'm just being over-emotional."

"Are you sure?"

I nod.

"I'll be back in a couple hours, alright?"

I nod again.

"Alright, I'll see you later." He tells me, wiping my tears with his thumb before pressing his lips to mine for a few seconds, and walking out the door.

When I envisioned my life when I was little, getting married at nineteen, having three miscarriages by the time I was twenty-one, having an addict husband, and spending a majority of my nights sleeping alone—which is one thing I absolutely hated to do—was not at all how I dreamt of my life being when I grew up.

But there I was.

Night after night.

City after city.

Alone.

In pain.

Broken.

Silent.

With not a single soul knowing about it.

It's been four hours and Nikki still isn't back.

Restless, I turn over to read the digital alarm clock.

4:02a.m.

Sighing out, I get out of the bed and go to my suitcase to grab a pair of panties and slip them on, before grabbing one of Nikki's shirts from his bag that smells like him.

I leave the hotel room and head next door to Vince's room, knocking on the door.

After several attempts, the door opens to reveal a very confused, half asleep, blonde girl that isn't Sharise—who's baby is due any day now.

"Hi." I say, hushly, pushing past her. "Did you guys do anything in the bed?" I ask her once I'm standing by the bed and she rubs her eyes, still in a haze.

She mumbles something that sounds like "the shower" and I hold out my room key to her.

"You can go sleep in my bed. Room 223." I say.

She doesn't ask questions, she just wants to go back to sleep.

Once she shuts the door, I'm patting around the mattress to avoid laying on Vince.

I slip in where she was, Vince's back to me.

I seperate his naked body from me by laying on top of the sheet, just letting the comforter guard me from the cool air from the vent, and actually snuggle closer to him, my forehead pressing against his back as I hold Nikki's shirt close to me like it's my sacred baby blanket, and drift off.

#nikki sixx #tommy lee #vince neil #mötley crüe #the dirt