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alicenttully · 3 years

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First Kiss

The Third Month of The Year 298

“You look lovely, Rhaenys.” Aegon smiles at her as Rhaenys enters the Hall of Lamps, accompanied by her three bridesmaids and their escort of guards.

“Only lovely?” Rhaenys wrinkles her nose. “You disappoint me terribly, Aegon. You should not describe a bride as anything less than exquisite. At least, that is what my bridesmaids tell me.”

Arianne winks at her while Sansa and Daenerys giggle. In the Faith, it is often the custom for a bride such as Rhaenys to choose three bridesmaids to honour three of the seven gods- the Maiden who bring bless the marriage with lasting love, the Mother with children, and the Crone with wisdom to survive the years together. Rhaenys had agonized over who to pick among her ladies, not wanting to cause hurt, but thankfully her mother had guided her into selecting Arianne, Daenerys, and Sansa. No one can fault her for choosing family, or soon to be family in Sansa’s case, Elia reasoned.

“Your sister is playing with you, Your Grace.” Arianne drawled. He does. Aegon laughs and offers Rhaenys his arms, before lowering his voice. “You look beautiful as always, Nee-Nee. I suppose I’m just used to it.” Rhaenys smiles sadly at this resurrection of his babyhood nickname for her.

Rhaenys does feel beautiful, however. Of course, although she is not vain enough to deem herself the Maiden’s rival, she also does not find any value in lying to herself when she sees her reflection.

But this is different. The dressmakers have done well, truly. Rhaenys’ gown is a glory, a creation of red silk with long flowing sleeves that felt inviting as sin when she was helped into it earlier. Her bodice glimmers with golden thread. Resting on her black curls is a golden diadem with red rubies and an inscription in Rhoynese at the bottom.

On her wedding cloak, is a dragon whose open mouth reveals no crackling flames but instead a large golden sun that overwhelms the creature in size. The other dress that Rhaenys will change into for today is also just as beautiful, with Sansa gasping in delight upon seeing it. Although it is not demanded, it is not unusual for a bride to wear a gown favouring her new husband’s colours at their reception as if their vows were not enough to demonstrate that she was now his. But Rhaenys has no wish to offend her river lord or make him feel uncertain, so her gown is silver satin and sleeves consisting of myrish lace. Adorning the outfit is a belt made of deep red velvet with blue sapphires.

Aegon signals that they are ready, and from inside the sept proper music begins to play. Arianne lifts up Rhaenys’ cloak from the ground, while Sansa and Daenerys pick up the hems of the gown; the former looking painfully excited while Dany almost looks as nervous as Rhaenys feels.

Arianne nods at her and proudly smiles at Rhaenys in the way that Aegon did, and Rhaenys wills herself to breathe.

As a princess born, her entire life was the realm’s, shaped and nurtured with it in mind. It was the offering demanded for her birth and rank being predetermined by the Seven. It was a truth familiar to Rhaenys as a favoured story might be for a child who delights still in its thousand telling.

However, unlike that small child, Rhaenys could never be allowed to want other stories. Rhaenys is not friendless in this either, she remembers.

Her life belonged to the seven kingdoms, and so it appeared, did her first kiss.

Their kiss does not make Rhaenys forget to stand, or forget the crowd that had gathered in the royal sept to witness Lord Edmure Tully take her for his lady wife.

The number of guests is not as many as the wedding of Aegon to Lady- Queen Cassandra Baratheon, but Rhaenys’ wedding is still the first of a blood princess since that of her paternal grandmother forty years ago. Their noses bump, and his beard tickles Rhaenys chin. Nobody dares laugh to break the spell of the solemnity of the occasion, but Edmure reddens all the same.

When they turn to face the cheering crowd, Rhaenys cannot squeeze his hand- there will be a hundred times during the wedding there will be time for contact, but she gives him a bright smile, to put him at ease. “My lord, I must confess. You’ve rather exceeded the expectations of a maiden’s first kiss.”

Edmure’s eyes widen, then his generous mouth curves into a boyish grin. There is a kindness in it, and Rhaenys’ heart twists suddenly. Did her father smile at her mother on their wedding day? Despite the betrayals that he rained down on her, did he at least do that?

There is no way of knowing. Rhaenys cannot ask her father this, or a thousand other questions since she was old enough to understand how the crown prince almost brought them all to ruin. She does not want to dig up the past for her mother, who now basked in the warm present; with her adoring husband. Elia Martell paid Rhaegar Targaryen little attention in death, just as he paid her little respect and dignity in life.

II.

The Third Month of The Year

Two weeks pass before they enjoy their first misunderstanding.

“Have I done something to upset you?” Edmure asks her, in Rhaenys’ bedchamber. They have been given adjoining rooms here in the castle. They will not leave the Red Keep until the end of the month. Rhaenys is glad of it. She is not afraid to leave, but she is not necessarily anxious to either.

Rhaenys shakes her head, her sketchbook lying forgotten in her lap. “Of course not, my lord.”

Edmure frowns. “In public, whenever I try to kiss you, or take your hand- it’s almost as if I am some stranger and not your husband. You look uncomfortable.”

Rhaenys feels a flush of shame. She’d not meant to sail down this river. However, she smiles at him. “Give me your trust in this, Edmure.” Edmure’s eyes widen. Until now Rhaenys has called him Lord Edmure or my lord, while he has alternated between Princess Rhaenys or my lady, or my princess, for Rhaenys will be a princess long after she is Lady of Riverrun. “If you were a stranger kissing the king’s sister, you would know it.”

“That still does not answer my question.” It is almost an accusation.

That still does not answer my question.”

Rhaenys sighs. She must be truthful with him. “It is not because of you, I promise. It is because of me, and well- Lord Tywin.”

“Lord Tywin?” Edmure echoes her, like the sound of the ocean in one of the seashells that could be found along the beach of Dragonstone. Then he looks a little ill. “You mean to tell me that you love Tywin Lannister?” Edmure splutters.

Rhaenys cannot help but laugh; the notion is so ridiculous. Love is wasted on a man like that.

“No, my lord.” Rhaenys says gently. “It is because I cannot forget who I am, and who Tywin is. Or Mace Tyrell. You know the line of succession to the Crown, I trust. I am my brother’s heir, after any children he might have. My sons will inherit first over any sons that Viserys might give his Cersei. May the Seven permit that we have a future where Aegon lives long and has many children. I want that for him. But you and I are not foolish to think that Tywin is equally satisfied.

So, I have always been- careful. Careful with my behaviour, with how I am perceived. I told you that you were my first kiss. I- I had no wish to give Tywin palace gossip that he could use to his advantage.”

Edmure crinkles his forehead. “Surely nobody would think badly of a child for having kissing games. Cat and Lysa-,”

Rhaenys now tosses her sketchbook aside. “Forgive me my lord, but your sisters’ experience cannot be compared to mine. Their mother is not Dornish.”

Edmure looks lost. “What has that got to do with this?”

“Everything.” Rhaenys hisses, standing up now.

“People will take innocent kisses and think it proof of a Dornish woman’s wanton ways, as if there isn’t plenty in the Reach or Westerlands who were no maidens when they were married! Or men who have a dozen mistresses! I know the rumours of Ashara Dayne, my mother’s lost friend. Everyone assumes that Ashara slept with Brandon Stark, but she never did! She was younger than me when she died, and yet people simply assume that she gave him anything more than a smile. And Dany-,” Rhaenys wipes away her tears. “We were only children at the time. I don’t think Dany was any older than five. We were calling each other stupid things as children do, and my mother had entered the room when Dany called me a Dornish slut. To this day, I still don’t know where the hell she got that from. And the look on my mother’s face-,” Rhaenys stares at the floor. “My darling grandfather called her that, a few times.”

“So, because of this, I have always been careful. My mother has taught me so. Since I was a maiden flowered, being alone is not something I am used to. There has always been either my family or my ladies or my guards. I will not let myself be vulnerable to any rumours that would paint me unsuitable to be a queen; rumours that the lion and rose will try to use for their own ends.” Rhaenys is surprised by the vehemence in her voice.

She takes a deep breath, before continuing. “Secondly, it is just my nature. I appreciate that you are my husband, but I have never been comfortable with physical affection in public, specifically hugs and kisses. I endure it for proprietary’s sake. If truth be told, I am not entirely fond of being embraced.”

Edmure’s forehead creases. “Even your own kin?”

“No, that’s different.” Rhaenys corrects him. “My family is close to me. My ladies are close to me, so I obviously did not mind when we slept in the same bed, our legs tangled together like branches or held their hands as we danced or played games. And you and I will become close too, I hope.” She adds, shyly.

Edmure nods. “Thank you Rhaenys, for telling me this. I will keep that in mind.” Rhaenys’ smiles at the use of her name.

He grins. “Speaking of kisses has made me want to kiss you still, however. So – may I kiss you?” He asks tentatively. His voice makes Rhaenys remember their wedding night, and how he asked her the same thing in the dark. Their first coupling was well- it was nice, she supposes. She does not have anything to score it by. Still afterwards, she had slipped a hand between her legs, for there was nothing in scripture that forbade such things.

But a kiss is different. She nods, and Edmure gingerly brushes a curl from her face. “I hope we have a girl with hair like yours.”

His kiss is long and sweet; as sweet as the smell of rain after a month’s drought.

III.

The Sixth Month of The Year 298

“Rhaenys?”

Edmure’s worried face is illuminated in the candlelight, as he sits down on the bed beside her. Rhaenys is clutching her knees, her eyes downcast.

They have not yet reached Riverrun, thanks to the river lords who insisted on guesting them for a few days. Stars have risen in the sky for the third time here at Stone Hedge. No doubt the Brackens insisted on the third night to beat the Blackwood’s two. “By the time you do reach Riverrun, you’ll need a new wardrobe.” Desmera Redwyne had predicted, giggling.

There had been no giggling when Desmera had gone to fetch Edmure after Rhaenys had bolted up in bed, tears streaming down her face.

“Desmera need not have woken you.” Rhaenys mumbled.

“I’m not sorry she did.” Edmure counters. “My lady, you are trembling.”

Rhaenys fiddled with the end of her braid. “It was a bad dream, that’s all.”

For a heartbeat, silence rested between them. Then, Edmure spoke. “When I was a boy, my sister Catelyn once told me that you always feel better after talking about a bad dream.”

Well, what has she got to lose then? He will not leave her. “It’s a dream I’ve had before.” She confesses softly. “I’ve had it on and off since I was twelve or thirteen. In it, I’m trying to get away. But I can never far enough. They-They never change how they kill me. With a knife.”

Edmure sucks in his breath. “Rhaenys-,”

Rhaenys bites her lip. “And the strange thing is, I’m never the age that I am. In it, I wasn’t eight-and-ten. Instead, I’m a little girl. I might be four, I think.” Tears well in her eyes. “Tell me, what chance does a girl of four have against a man who wants to kill her?”

“Very little, I would judge.” Edmure softly replies. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have pressed you to tell me.”

“No.” Rhaenys corrects him. “Don’t be sorry. I-I do feel a little better now, as you predicted.” It is not a lie. She has never spoken about the dream to anyone else, before.

It feels freeing.

She turns and wraps her arms around Edmure, kissing him. This kiss feels different somehow. It is not as though she hasn’t been vulnerable with Lord Edmure before. She gave her maidenhood to him. She will feel a little vulnerable in Riverrun she thinks, until she can gain the respect of Edmure’s household.

But this kiss – it is a comfort. Of course, Rhaenys has been comforted before. But the solace of a mother or brother is different from that of a husband. This- the feeling of his lips against hers- is like being told a secret. But it’s not a secret designed to hurt. It’s not one where the longer it is kept hidden from the open, the worse the fallout is.

Instead, it is like being given something small, fragile. That is a precious thing, Rhaenys concludes. It is a precious thing to be given such trust.

IV.

The Eighth Month of the Year 298

“I’ve had a thought,” Edmure says, as Rhaenys massages his aching shoulders; courtesy of his sparring session.

Rhaenys had enjoyed watching that, very much.

“Oh?” Rhaenys smirks. Removing her hands from his shoulders, she cocks her head at him. “Is that unusual for you, my lord?”

To her husband’s credit, he only grins at her. Other men like Stannis Baratheon or Tywin Lannister were not so kind to such silly little japes.

“I was thinking that perhaps we could write to some of our vassals’ families and ask for some girls. For you, I mean. I know you’ve brought some from Kingslanding. But the Riverlands can’t be their home forever, while you- I think it would be good for you. Not that I don’t think you’re not doing well in your duties so far.” He adds quickly.

Rhaenys smiles warmly. “That is a wonderful idea. We should ask Maester Vyman for his counsel on who to choose. Three seems a good number, I feel. In time, perhaps we can ask for some wards. Companions for any younger sons or daughters we may have."

Edmure answers her with a kiss to the neck. Rhaenys gasps. He has never kissed her there before. Always on the lips or cheek.

She loves it.

“I hope we have a girl with hair like yours, my lady.”

Somehow, she knows that it will not be a wasteful thing to hope in this marriage.

#asoiaf #summer is for dorne #rhaenys x edmure #edmure tully #fluff #rhaenys targaryen (daughter of elia)

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misssophiachase · 4 years

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Remember this story? If not, I don’t blame you! I have been adding (and in some cases amending) my fics and uploading to AO3 and am hoping to get a couple done because they are almost finished. Thanks to @romanoffsbite for the stunning cover : ) Click on the cover above for the link to the full story on AO3. It’s also on FF HERE

Synopsis: British Ambassador to the USA, Klaus Mikaelson, needs a babysitter to look after his daughter. Enter nanny, Caroline Forbes.

Lessons in Diplomacy - Chapter 7: Attaché

British Embassy, 3100 Massachusetts Avenue NW, Washington DC

"I know this isn't exactly what you had in mind when we discussed a date." Klaus looked at Caroline apologetically hoping that she understood. Klaus was used to his job disrupting every other facet of his life, but it had been so long since he liked someone, let alone went on a date, that he wasn't familiar with the protocol.

As if his job wasn't difficult and time-consuming enough, he also had an eight-year-old who required constant care. Darcy had woken earlier that day with a stomach ache and he'd been reluctant to leave.

Klaus had spent the past week planning their date and had made reservations at one of the best new restaurants in DC as per Rebekah's recommendation. He could have hired a sitter for the evening but given Jane had recently decided to retire from her post and Caroline was his alternate he didn't have much choice. Not seeing Caroline wasn't an option, it had already been six days since the ice hockey game and Klaus was greedy for some alone time without the peanut gallery (also known as his siblings) commenting.

"I don't know," she murmured. "At least I get fed, so that's something sort of date-like. How's Darcy feeling?" His face softened, he liked the fact she was so concerned for his daughter even though they'd only met a few times.

"Well, last time I checked she was asking the chef for some chocolate brownies, so I think we can safely say the worst of it is over," he explained.

Klaus was worried that Darcy wasn't okay with him dating Caroline given her miraculous recovery earlier. He figured it would be difficult for an eight-year-old to get their head around the fact their babysitter was also dating their father. Klaus was solely devoted to Darcy and she always came first, no matter what. That's why he thought it was important to check she was okay.

One hour earlier

"So, brownies hey?" He asked, approaching his daughter. She was lying in bed, hair in messy pigtails and wearing pajamas while watching Frozen on her iPad for what Klaus swore was the millionth time. If he was told to 'Let it Go' one more time, he'd lose it.

"I haven't eaten all day, I was hungry," she whined. Klaus took a seat next to her and ruffled her hair affectionately.

"For chocolate, Darce, really?"

"I think it's the only thing that will make me feel better," she argued. "Trust me on this, dad."

"Oh, so you're now a medical expert?" She gave him a look which meant he wasn't funny. "Everything else is okay, right? I mean, besides the stomach ache?"

"It's fine," she answered, scrunching her nose up in that adorable manner he loved. "Well, except for the lack of brownies."

"You know Caroline is coming over tonight, right?"

"Can we play together? I want to show her my new nail polish and tell her all about what Marcy Johnson did for show-and-tell. Oh, and we need to read the next chapter of The Little Prince." The fact she spoke so excitedly and seemed to genuinely like Caroline filled him with warmth.

"Well, actually she's coming to see me tonight. You know how I told you last week that I like Caroline and wanted to spend some time with her?" She nodded. "Would that be okay? I promise you can see her next time."

"As long as you promise," she smiled.

"Pinky swear," he grinned, interlacing fingers with her. He then leaned down and murmured in her ear. "How about I get Marjorie to bring you up some of those brownies, sweetheart?"

"Well, I actually brought her a little something, there's nothing worse than being stuck in bed sick with nothing to do," Caroline murmured bringing him out of his trance and handing him a brightly coloured bag.

"You really didn't have to, Caroline," he smiled warmly, thinking just how kind and considerate she was, amongst other things.

"It's nothing," she replied. "I know that she's trying to out-do Marcy Johnson on show-and-tell so I thought this might help." Klaus was beginning to think this Marcy Johnson was going to be a problem and the fact Caroline knew, and after such minimal contact, was extremely telling. She obviously mistook his silence for something else. "I know it isn't all about competition.."

"The hell it isn't," he laughed.

"Like father like daughter," she teased. "Although I've been known to get a little competitive myself, just ask Katherine about our days in the Cheer Squad." Klaus had to admit the visual of Caroline in a tiny skirt and pompoms wasn't entirely unwelcome. He coughed, attempting to regain his composure.

"How is Katherine? I asked Elijah after the ice hockey but he's like a vault, no one is getting any information from him. I always thought he would have been an absolute asset in the secret service."

"Good apparently," she murmured. "Although given your sister's interest in her designs, Katherine's workload has increased ten-fold, not that she's complaining. I've always known Katherine was talented but it's really great to see it finally acknowledged."

"That's good news," he smiled, thinking how generous Rebekah could be and happy that her best friend was the recipient.

"When I left tonight she was still at her atelier, apparently your brother was dropping past to get fitted for a suit for Saturday's reception."

"And here I thought she already had his measurements," he grinned knowingly. "So, I probably should invite you inside given this is a date and everything?"

They were still standing in the front hall and Klaus watched as Caroline shed her excessive layers of clothing to ward off the chill outside. Her blonde hair hung in loose waves around her shoulders and her creamy skin was tinged pink from the cold air.

It wasn't until the last layer, in the form of a thick, woollen scarf, came off that Klaus was stunned into silence. He'd seen her mostly in jeans and casual clothes which were flattering anyway but she'd certainly made an impression with tonight's outfit. The little, black dress fit her perfectly and highlighted every delectable curve. He felt his mouth go dry, willing himself to speak but nothing was coming out.

"What's wrong? She asked, looking down at her ensemble. "Do I have something on me?"

"No, " he stammered. "You just, uh, you look.."

"And here I thought diplomacy was about being a good conversationalist?" She smirked, her blue eyes twinkling mischievously.

"You look stunning, Caroline, not that you don't always look good because..."

"It's okay," she soothed, placing her hand over his. "Message received," Klaus mentally kicked himself thinking what an idiot he must sound like to Caroline. He planned to be confident and suave but obviously the horse had bolted on that. "So, what's for dinner?"

They were taste testing the menu for his welcome reception on the weekend and Caroline had offered to play guinea pig for the evening. Klaus much preferred her as his date than having to sit through it with Rebekah and her excessive amount of opinions.

"Just so you know, Rebekah tells me there's no foie gras or black truffles on the menu. She wanted to avoid any messiness on the night."

"Now the real Klaus Mikaelson is back," she teased. "You realize there won't be another date with me, outside or inside the Embassy if you continue to bring that up? I could talk about your form at the ice hockey game the other night if you'd prefer?"

"I know it's called a puck," he replied defensively.

"I'm glad you called though," she smiled. Klaus couldn't get over how one smile could take his breath away but Caroline wasn't like anyone he'd ever met. "It's nice to know you're not that guy who says he'll call and doesn't."

"The twenty-something-year-old, college me probably would have," he explained. "But I haven't been that guy for a very long time."

"Since Darcy was born?" Klaus knew he'd changed a lot since his daughter came into his life but he also knew that he'd matured long before that.

He paused briefly gesturing in the direction of the dining room so he could compose his answer while they walked. As they did, members of his house staff smiled and greeted Caroline personally on the way.

"Wow, I've been here so many times that people know me. Do you realize that I didn't even have to tell the security guys outside why I was here? Usually, they are so foreboding and serious but I swear I saw Ahmed crack a smile."

"You got Ahmed to smile? I'm impressed, love. Let's just say word travels fast around here, mainly due to my nosy siblings who have no filter whatsoever as you witnessed the other night," he chuckled. "Just consider yourself my personal attaché."

"Attaché for what? Last time I checked I don't have the requisite skills to be your military aide or any other aide for that matter," she laughed.

"How about we stick with Personal Attaché to the Ambassador?"

"And what exactly does the Personal Attaché to the Ambassador do, Your Excellency?"

"They stop saying Your Excellency like that because the Ambassador might lose all sense of control and want to skip dinner altogether."

"Oh I know what this is about," she purred. "You make a girl come to your house and expect her to put out. Just so you know, I'm not that easy, mister." Klaus hadn't expected the night to go there so soon and he'd be lying if that comment teamed with the cheerleader visual wasn't messing with him.

"I happen to think it will be well worth the wait," he smiled, pulling out her chair.

"Now, there's that diplomacy in action."

"The chair yes, but just so you know, my diplomacy doesn't extend to that familiar kind of language. If I'd said that to the Ukrainian Ambassador I'd be on the floor," he joked. "She has black belts in both Taekwondo and Aikido."

"Just so you know, I'm glad you only say things like that to me," she smiled, placing a chaste kiss on his cheek before taking a seat at the table. "And I'd be willing to fight the Ukrainian Ambassador for you, in case you're wondering."

"You've got to stop saying things like that, love," he murmured. "I think we definitely need to eat before I do or say something untoward." She giggled, sending him a sly smile from across the table.

Katherine Pierce Designs Inc, Cady's Alley, 3318 M St NW

"You do realize I have your measurements, right?" Katherine asked, smiling at the eldest brunette.

Elijah had called her earlier in the week to ask if she'd fit him for a new suit for the Welcome Reception. She'd agreed but also mentioned how busy she was and he'd suggested dropping past her atelier to make it easier.

"It doesn't hurt to double-check," he offered. "Plus, I brought you dinner to say thank you." He held up a brown paper bag enticingly. The combination of hunger and relief on her face was enough to tell Elijah he'd made the right call.

"I love you," she smiled, grabbing the bag excitedly before realizing what she'd said. "Oh, well, I, well you know what I mean."

"You must be starving given that response," he chuckled. "I promise I won't take any offense."

They walked inside and she cleared her table so they could eat. Elijah could tell she was tired but he didn't think she had ever looked more beautiful with her long, dark locks pulled into a ponytail, wearing simple jeans and a t-shirt combination with a measuring tape hanging around her neck as if it was an accessory.

Elijah Mikaelson was a professional and cautious person who was solely focused on his work. The fact he was so successful and wealthy was case in point. He didn't often let himself feel or get involved with anyone but there was something about Katherine Pierce that had intrigued him from the moment she spilled hot coffee all over him.

Yes, at first he was angry but decided that was due to the hot, scalding water rather than the woman who did it. She'd not only apologized repeatedly but had fitted him with a brand new suit for his meeting. Elijah didn't consider himself a clothes horse but if there was one thing he knew it was how a well-fitting suit should look and feel. And hers were not only classic, but they were also well-tailored.

"You don't have to buy another suit you realize?" She stated, clearing her plate and looking up at him curiously. "Oh come on, Elijah, I know you have like a thousand suits you could wear on the weekend."

"Well, maybe not a thousand," he joked. "And yes, maybe I could, but I want a Katherine Pierce original to mark my Washington DC Embassy debut. I also happen to know that both Niklaus and Kol would like to be fitted up as well."

"You realize I'm good but not that good, right?" She asked, mouth agape. "Especially with all the business your sister has thrown my way before the big reception for your brother. I'll be making suits until next month at this rate. Not that I'm complaining, of course, your family's generosity has been amazing."

"Well, Rebekah has her moments," he teased. "Maybe I got a little carried away." He was staring at her earnestly now, afraid to tell her how he felt, especially after such a short time but also knowing exactly what to say, he was new to all of this. He noticed a slight but adorable blush cross her cheeks.

"I like a man who gets carried away," she cooed. Elijah moved around the table, deciding that once he got to her he'd hopefully know what he was doing until his cell decided to ring and interrupt the moment.

He was so close to her now, his lips mere inches from hers. Elijah looked at her helplessly, he wasn't one to ignore calls especially if they were work-related. He noted the caller ID. It wasn't his work but he felt a sudden need to answer it.

"Answer it," she murmured, her hand brushing his arm briefly. "I'll go get your suit and we can start the fitting." He nodded, thinking his brother was going to pay for interrupting him.

"Kol? What's going on?"

"You need to get down to the hospital right now, there's been an accident."

British Embassy, 3100 Massachusetts Avenue NW, Washington DC

"So, is it a bad sign that we aborted the taste-testing to scoff Darcy's brownies in the kitchen instead?" Caroline asked, licking the remnant chocolate from her fingers while moaning about its delicious flavor. Klaus decided then and there it wasn't safe for her to do that in his presence unless sex was in their future. But given it was kind of their first date he knew that was not a possibility.

"We don't have to tell her," he replied, taking another bite. "Plus there was nothing wrong with the menu, we both just decided we wanted to binge on brownies more than canapés and whatever that crab, artichoke and brie thing was."

"Yeah, that was, uh, interesting. Is Darcy going to be upset we ate her dessert?"

"Oh, you mean my naughty daughter who was supposedly so sick with a stomach ache that she couldn't go to school today?"

"You wouldn't want to go either if Marcy Johnson was in your class," she quipped. "I had a Marcy Johnson except her name was Dana Andrews and she tried to beat me at everything."

"Is there something I should know about this Marcy Johnson you know besides her views on how boys act when they like girls?" Klaus was beginning to think he was a bad father given both Caroline and Darcy knew all about her and he had absolutely no clue. "If she is bullying my daughter..."

"Chill, Klaus," she soothed. "Marcy is just an annoying know-it-all, but we've got it in hand. Bonnie said she and Kol are taking her to the zoo next week so she'll have plenty to talk about for show-and-tell."

"It's remarkable how much you know about my daughter and her movements," he laughed. "I didn't even realize Kol was taking her to the zoo but I suppose he'll fit right in with his animal friends. It's nice of Bonnie to babysit both Kol and Darcy for me on her day off."

"You realize she likes Kol, right?" Klaus was dumbfounded. Sure, he had the tendency to miss certain things but that fairly big detail he would have known about. Well, he thought so anyway.

"No, they can't stand each other," he explained. "At first I thought it was this cute banter thing but Bonnie is way too smart to be seduced by him and we all know Kol likes to play the field too much to even consider a steady relationship, especially one with my best friend."

"I don't think excessive rambling is going to make it any less true, Klaus," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Bonnie couldn't take her eyes off him when he was playing the other night, plus she told me all about how Kol ends up in her ER all the time due to injuries. Coincidence, I think not."

"Well, I'll be damned. Is there anything else I don't know?"

"I think your sister and the bodyguard are in denial, I sat next to them at the hockey and the combustible energy between them is enough to..."

"Okay enough about my siblings and their sexual urges," he drawled. "I never thought our date would descend into a discussion about them and Darcy's know-it-all nemesis from school." As he said it Klaus, couldn't help but feel completely happy and comfortable in her presence and how things had turned out. It was as if he'd known her for years, not weeks.

"Caroline..." he murmured, his voice raspy. He ran his hands through her waves and pulled her closer, his sole focus on her lips. He was wondering if they were as soft as they looked and if they'd taste like chocolate. Klaus figured it was time to find out.

His phone rang at that exact moment. He wanted to ignore it and finally kiss her without distraction but Caroline had already pulled away from his grasp and was picking up his phone from the counter.

"It's the zoo animal," she explained holding it up so he could see the name Kol displayed on the screen. He faltered, thinking it could probably wait but the moment between them had passed and given Kol knew they had a date he figured it must be important.

"Niklaus," he said before Klaus could speak. "You need to get down to the hospital." Klaus felt sick from all of the memories it evoked, it wasn't the first call he'd had like that before.

"What's happened?"

"It's Enzo, he was shot on duty and they're not sure if he's going to make it through the night."

#yes i'm back #lessons in diplomacy #misssophiachase #klaroline fanfiction #klaroline #my writing

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dreamofcentipedes · 5 years

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The Wedding of Haruhi Suzumiya

Summary: Suzumiya Haruhi is getting married. Time has gone by so quickly, and yet, all of a sudden, it appears to stop. It seems Kyon can't get a day off, even on his wedding day!

Fandom: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

Ship: Kyon/Haruhi

Characters: Kyon, Haruhi, Nagato, Mikuru, Koizumi, Taniguchi, Kunikida, Tsuruya, Kyon’s Little Sister.

Rating: Teen Words: 10,578 Link to AO3

A/N: This is a present for my wonderful friend @harleyquilt’s birthday! I'm glad I introduced you to the series so I could have an excuse to write this fic hahaha. It's written in the style of the novels, so from Kyon's first person POV.

To anyone who's not Leila, this fic is based on anime-only canon; so that's why characters like Kimidori aren't here since she's not very relevant in the show. Enjoy!

Something was wrong. I felt it in my gut.

Ah, allow me to clarify. It was not the kind of odd feeling one might feel when forced to repeat summer over fifteen thousand times because of the oddly conscientious whims of a typically self-centred high school girl. I won’t force you all through that again – so long as Haruhi doesn’t force me to. Hey, if I suffer, you suffer! That’s the compensation I’ve earned from you, universe, for all my sterling efforts to save you. I may have admitted I enjoy a good deal of what Haruhi forces me into, but stuff like an endless summer is just too much. Today, at least, should be free of the kind of chaotic events that follow Haruhi around like the Duke of Buckingham to King James I of England (and VI of Scotland).

Or so Koizumi says. Which brings me back to the problem at hand. Or that is, the problem of the minute hand. On the clock that stared down at me from the wall like a Great Old One about to nonchalantly crush swarms of insignificant humans underfoot, I saw that there was only half an hour remaining until the ceremony.

“The Agency extends their full gratitude to you for what you’re doing today. If it all goes well, we won’t have to worry about Closed Space appearing for a few months at the very least.” Koizumi brushed some non-existent lint off his light grey suit and patted down his yellow silk tie. Smart and snazzy as always. He better not outshine me at my own wedding.

“I think you have an overly optimistic view on marriage. And on Haruhi, for that matter. Her temper will blow at my first sign of disobedience.”

“You think so? I hoped you’d know your fiancé better than that. To Suzumiya-san, you are an exceptionally important person. It will be hard to dent her good mood after all these years of holding back.”

I didn’t say anything back, but as I adjusted my red tie over my blue suit in an outfit reminiscent of my old High School uniform, I thought about what he said. I hoped he was right, and not for the sake of the world or reality or whatever other annoying stuff he cares about. Haruhi’s smiling face was just a pleasant sight for me to see, that’s all. It’s not like I was marrying her because the Agency wanted me to. I barely even know those guys.

“I’m sure Nagato-san and Asahina-san will also extend you their appreciation at the reception. On behalf of their organisations, that is.”

I had some idea of what he was talking about with that clarification. I did worry about those two, but I had made my decision and didn’t have any regrets. At least where that matter is concerned. Otherwise, there was still that ball of anxiety in my chest wrapped up like a mangled slinky.

Ah, we really did get sidetracked, didn’t we? Yes, this is the odd feeling that was haunting me. Wedding jitters, cold feet, spineless hesitation from the latest generation of worthless men – call it what you like, I could barely keep my hands still as I fussed endlessly over the tightness of my tie. That’s what I hoped it was, anyway, but I had the sinking feeling it was something more than that, and worse, that I knew what it was. I desperately needed someone to talk me, but Haruhi had somehow managed to hijack my own Best Man, so Koizumi served as my substitute. Creepy as he was, he was at least a calm presence. Taniguchi would send me insane.

Of course, I couldn’t tell him I was nervous. It would be a cold day in hell before I admitted weakness in front of him. He was an annoyingly observant guy, though.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

His voice slipped into a more serious tone. I left the mirror alone at that and turned to face him. Watchful brown eyes peeked out from his usual squint.

“Of course I am.” I grumbled.

Koizumi gave a smile that seemed a little sad, then clapped a hand on my shoulder.

“Then see it through.”

With that, he gestured to the door.

“Well, being the joyous occasion that it is for Suzumiya-san, I doubt any strange phenomena will occur. But the job of an esper is never over. I will be patrolling the grounds for anything that seems out of place. I hope you’ll survive without me until then.”

As he was turning the handle, I felt a strange mix of frustration and sadness rise up in me. To any shrinks in the area, I’d like to get this checked out, please. But whatever it was, it made me call out to him: “You’ll be at the ceremony, won’t you?”

His hand let go of the doorknob and he looked at me, surprised.

“You’re a member of the SOS Brigade, after all.” I continued. “If you’re not there, Haruhi would be devastated. Then the world would really be in danger.”

He lowered his eyes and that sad smile crept up again. I decided, compared with this, I’d prefer that sickeningly sweet smile he usually plasters on his face. But before long he turned his eyes back to me with a slightly more jovial expression.

“You may be right. I’ll do my best if you do yours.”

He opened the door and left the room, leaving me alone with my unsatisfactory tie. What’s more, that clock was staring at me again, with only half an hour to go. Hey, cut it out. You’re not my Best Man, are you? Actually, where was my Best Man?

Well, since the wedding was Western-style it was a bit less of a pain to prepare for than Japanese-style weddings, but I still found myself combing my hair in five different directions. Eventually I got tired of it and set off to find my AWOL assistant. As I traversed the corridors, I noticed the legs and torso of someone in a black suit and tie making his way down the stairs. It was silly of me to hope for the best, but instead it was Taniguchi.

“Kyon my man! I’ve been looking for you all over!”

“Well, I was looking for Kunikida. Seen him anywhere?”

“Nope, not even once! What an unreliable guy! It’s not too late to change Best Men, you know.” He gave a grin that made me want to punch him on the nose.

“Really? I’ll let Koizumi know, then.”

Taniguchi looked aghast. “Koizumi? That creepazoid? You’d pick him over me, your constant buddy over three years of high school and four years of university?”

Like radioactive waste, I couldn’t ethically get rid of him. Well, maybe I did have some fun times with him around. It was much more enjoyable to not let him know that, though. When I didn’t respond, he acted hurt.

“Hmph! Well, I can’t see why you’d resign yourself to a lifetime chained to a girl like that anyway!” He raised his hands and shook his head with an insufferably smug expression. “Aah, she has you well and truly whipped, doesn’t she? Forcing you to flush your youth away down the toilet of the marriage bed.”

Ignoring that his metaphor was painfully inconsistent, I just asked him whether he’d gotten a girlfriend yet. He quickly shut up with an expression like Aeschylus must have had when he was mortally wounded by an airborne tortoise.

“Speaking of, Kyon,” he asked me when he had recovered, sidling up to me like a drug dealer in a black-and-white film noir and whispering to me, “You two have…done it, right?”

I pushed his face away from my ear. There was a 20% chance I was blushing. No, 10%. 5% tops! But if any such out-of-character situation was occurring, I didn’t want Taniguchi to see it. He probably did anyway.

“You have!” He laughed. “You totally have! Oh man, oh man, oh man, OH MAN!”

Haruhi and I had been dating since our last year of high school, so I don’t know why he was so surprised. What, did he seriously think the woman who had sexually assaulted Asahina-san on a daily basis was the type to save herself for marriage? This guy was purer than I thought. I placed a hand on his shoulder in sympathy.

“Uh, what’s this about?” Taniguchi brushed it off sheepishly. “So? She’s into some weird stuff, right? Does she make you do dress-up?”

Everything about his tone and expression was cringe-inducing. Just when I was resigning myself to indulge this overgrown 14 year old with the rudimentals of my sex life as the only alternative to my anxiety, I was saved by a benevolent god called Kunikida.

“Ah, Kyon, I’m so sorry!” He was red-faced and out of breath, rushing down the stairs as fast as he could while carrying about five bags with him. He came to a halt in front of me and dropped them to the ground, panting heavily. It’s a good thing he was wearing black, because otherwise the growing pools of sweat under his armpits might be much more obvious.

“Hmm, look who finally decided to show up!” Taniguchi remarked jealously.

“Taniguchi, zip it. It’s fine, Kunikida. What does she want this time?”

Kunikida returned to a stable condition and raised his head. “She wants to know which ribbon you’d like best.”

I shook my head with the fond exasperation that girl always exerts in me. Yare yare. Isn’t the bride’s appearance supposed to be a surprise for the groom? Nagato might be useless in the fashion department, but couldn’t she rely on Asahina-san and Tsuruya-san’s advice a bit more? Even my sister, another of my comrades she’d hijacked, had started to become fashion conscious. But Haruhi’s never coped with uncertainty too well. I decided I might as well have a look, lest her stress blow a hole in the fabric of the cosmos.

There was a red one, a blue one with black stripes, a purple one, orange with polka dots…I didn’t know why they each needed their own separate bags. But the choice was a pretty easy one for me. It was just too nostalgic.

“Let’s go with yellow.” I told Kunikida.

He nodded with approval. “I thought you’d pick that one. It’s just like the one she wore back at North High. I told her that, but she made me check with you anyway.” He pouted. “Well, I’ll report back then.”

“Oi, Kunikida.”

“Hm?”

“Any more tyrannical demands Haruhi makes of you, refuse them.” Kunikida paled. “Just tell her it’s a direct order from the groom. I’ll take the heat. For now, I need you to help get me ready.”

Kunikida nodded, told me he wouldn’t be long, and disappeared up the stairs. I imagined the chaos that must be happening up there, the hell Haruhi must be putting all her poor bridesmaids and even my Best Man through. I imagined Haruhi in her bridal dress, with that yellow ribbon in her hair…and my stomach knotted again as other thoughts rushed through my head in concert. I felt so dizzy I thought I might fall over. Steadying myself with a strong exhale, I grabbed Taniguchi’s sleeve.

“Move it, Taniguchi. I need a substitute until Kunikida gets back.”

I needed some company, any company, even if just to make sure I didn’t fall over and ruin my meticulously pressed suit. Taniguchi seemed pretty ecstatic about it, though, so I didn’t tell him that last part. We moved into my dressing room.

I was reaching for the comb on the side of my desk when I noticed that accursed clock again. ‘Accursed’. Only then did I begin to realise just how accurate that description truly was.

Because only half an hour remained until the ceremony.

“Hm?”

I stared at the clock, wondering if I misread it. But no, the hands didn’t lie. It wasn’t broken, either: the second hand was happily ticking away, and the minute hand slowly moving with it.

“Hey Kyon, earth to Kyon. You still with us man?”

I turned to the bemused Taniguchi, then looked back at the clock. When I did, I saw something that made that ‘wrong’ feeling that had been ruthlessly assaulting my small intestine level up at least twice, with major boosts to its ATK, DEF, and SPD. Because although the second hand was now ticking down from the top of the clock, the minute hand had returned to exactly half past 2.

Despite all the conversations and activities I had gotten up to since the clock had struck that time, despite all the time that had seemingly passed – somehow, it was still exactly half an hour until I married Haruhi.

I prayed for the sake of my already trembling heart that it was just a broken clock. But when I snatched my phone off the counter, I saw the exact same time glaring at me: 14:30.

I crammed my phone back into my pocket with frustration. Koizumi! No strange phenomena, he said, as though I could trust him. One day that guy’s going to get a career peddling snake oil. Dammit! This was the last thing I needed today! I slammed my hands against the counter and stared at the clock.

“Hey, Kyon, aren’t you gonna – ”

“Shut it, Taniguchi.”

Thankfully, he did. I looked at the clock, allowed a few seconds to pass, looked away, then immediately looked back. The seconds had reset.

I rubbed my sweating temples with my equally clammy hands.

“Taniguchi, I need you to do me a favour.”

“Huh? Sure! You can always count on – ”

“Hold my eyes open for me.”

“Wha?” He was clearly taken aback. “Uh, Kyon, you feeling okay?”

“Groom’s orders.”

He sighed, muttering something about me being as crazy as Haruhi, before I experienced the highly unpleasant sensation of Taniguchi lifting my eyelids up. I stared intently at the clock.

My stinging eyes, desperate to blink, beheld a full minute passing before I told Taniguchi it was enough and rushed to sink my eyes back into peaceful oblivion, like a salaryman collapsing in his bed after a particularly nasty overtime shift. When I opened them again, 2:31 was no more, and 2:30 was back with an insufferable grin on its clock face. Stop looking at me like that, arsehole. I’ll break your hands.

I exhaled. I guess it couldn’t be helped. I knew what I was getting myself into when I proposed to Haruhi, and honestly, at any other time I might look forward to this kind of sci-fi event. But Haruhi, could you really not hold off on the day of our wedding, at the very least?!

No, maybe that’s too hasty. I’ve always been too quick to point the finger at my fiancé in the past, but in my defence, if you’re in a room with a known thief and something goes missing, who else are you going to accuse? But I should stick with what I know: that the moment I take my eyes off the time, it resets to 2:30, with all the events that have happened since then left unchanged.

“Taniguchi, notice anything?”

“Huh? Notice what?” He looked so confused I almost felt sorry for him. “What are you going on about, Kyon?”

So Taniguchi hadn’t realised anything was wrong. He wasn’t looking for anything suspicious, so it makes sense. That, and he’s an idiot. In any case, it saved me a headache-inducing explanation about a problem I hardly understood myself.

Right, there was nothing left for it then.

“Oh, dang! Taniguchi, I forgot my cufflinks!”

“Eh? But you’re wearing them right now…”

“No no no, these are just my temporary cufflinks. Koizumi should be bringing me my real cufflinks – could you ask around if anyone’s seen him?”

“Haah? Temporary cufflinks? Why are you wearing temporary cufflinks?”

“No time to explain, I need them right now. There’s only half an hour to go you know! Think you could be my Best Man for a while?”

Taniguchi perked up at that. “Ah…well…”

“I’m counting on you!” I gave him a thumbs up and sprinted out of the room, leaving a baffled Taniguchi looking this way and that. He’ll play along in the end, he always does. Let it not be said that I haven’t learnt anything during my time in the SOS Brigade. Seven years’ experience of lying through your teeth counts as a transferrable skill, right? I doubt I’ll get to put it on my CV, anyhow.

My mood darkened as the thought crossed through my mind. What, we’re making jokes about this, now? I furrowed my brow as I ran up the stairs. Really, just how irresponsible could I be…

With my eyes fixed on the ground, I didn’t notice the sudden appearance of a wild Kunikida at the top of the stairs. His sudden “Hey, Kyon!” wasn’t enough to stop me from slamming into him. He managed to keep his balance, but my knees hit landing. First of all, ouch; but much more importantly I hoped my suit wasn’t crumpled.

“Kyon, are you okay? What’s the hurry?”

“Ah…my bad, Kunikida. I just needed to see Nagato and Asahina-san.” I told him, standing up and zealously cleaning my suit legs like a medieval Catholic priest with a supposed segment of the Holy Cross. If Taniguchi could summon Koizumi, and I could get to Nagato and Asahina-san, at least one of them should be able to help me skip to the end of this poorly-timed adventure.

“Eh? But they’re with Suzumiya-san, you know?” He was shaking like a leaf. I was really starting to wonder what kind of torture Haruhi was putting him through.

“That’s fine. Like I said, I can take the heat.”

“Eh? That’s not the problem!” Kunikida objected. “The groom can’t see the bride before the ceremony, it’s bad luck!”

Could I really be having worse luck than I was having now? Actually, wait, this is Haruhi we’re talking about. If she thinks I’ll get bad luck, I probably will. I sighed.

“Could you get them for me, then? It really is urgent.”

Kunikida looked at me with the confused expression I had become so used to as a member of the SOS Brigade.

“Okay, if you say so…”

“Sorry to make you keep walking up and down these stairs.”

Kunikida proceeded at an annoyingly leisurely pace. I wanted to yell at him to get a move on, but when I thought about it, there really wasn’t any need to hurry at all. Time wasn’t moving. Or, it was, but in a way that it wasn’t. Well, I didn’t need an explanation, just a resolution, but I still felt kind of stupid for running all that way and messing up my clothes.

After what felt like a few minutes but what was, in actuality, no time at all, Kunikida reappeared with Nagato in tow. She had on a sleeveless light purple dress with an interesting shading pattern. It suited her pretty well, so I’m sure she had nothing to do with its selection.

“Ah, thanks Kunikida, Nagato.” But something was missing from this picture. “Where’s Asahina-san?”

Kunikida opened his mouth, but Nagato pointed wordlessly up the stairs.

“She’s still upstairs? Why?”

“Leaving Suzumiya Haruhi alone with the girl Tsuruya and your sibling…” Nagato stared at the ground, probably recalibrating. “…Dangerous.”

Couldn’t argue with that. Actually, yes I could. All due respect to our valued members of staff who might fall victim to that tyrannical trio, but I’m first in line for compensation! Move along! Just then, as if as a counter-argument, I heard a high-pitched wail echo from the upper floor followed by a string of indecipherable yelling.

Well, now I knew I was right – far more dangerous than leaving them alone was leaving Asahina-san alone with them! I held back my oncoming migraine and begged Kunikida to go and save her.

“B-but…they’re…I’ll…”

“Groom’s orders!”

I’m pretty sure it’s not a rule that the word of the groom is absolute during his wedding. But for some reason, whenever I said it, it worked, so I wasn’t going to quit now. Kunikida meekly jogged up the stairs, surely getting a pretty good workout by this point.

Well, besides rescuing Asahina-san it also got Kunikida out of the way for me to ask Nagato what exactly was going on.

She stared at me for a few seconds. “It is your wedding.”

Uh, no Nagato – I mean yes, but that’s beside the point. I showed her the time on my phone and gave her a brief rundown of the situation as I understood it.

She stared at me for another few seconds. “You are referring to the chrono-shift?”

I wasn’t exactly thrilled she knew about this already.

“Hey, Nagato, I know you were only sent here to observe, but you have a lot more freedom now, you know? If you notice some strange event going on, could you tell me next time?” It felt weird having to talk to a hyper-intelligent being as though she were a five year old who didn’t understand what was wrong with hoarding crayons from the other kids, but social courtesies weren’t Nagato’s forte.

“I was providing assistance to Suzumiya Haruhi. It was also highly probable you would notice the occurrence of the chrono-shift and seek consultation with me yourself; so it was not considered urgent. Time was not...of the essence.” From the long look she gave from those golden-brown eyes speckled with melancholy, I had the feeling she wasn’t telling the whole truth. But I certainly couldn’t lecture her on that front, so I decided not to drag it out of her. Let’s start with the basics.

“What is a chrono-shift?”

“Chrono-shift. A space-time event wherein a selection of space is held in abstraction from the flow of time. Its marginal presence allows time to pass as normal only while an observer is conscious of its transition, however, as soon as observation ceases, the abstracted time will correct itself. With the exception of these moments of observation, the time within the abstracted space will move differently than the time outside the target area.”

After all these years, I still couldn’t begin to decipher Nagato-ese. Where was Koizumi when you needed him? Even Asahina-san would do. She was the time traveller, after all.

“Do you know how to stop it?” I asked her the far more useful question.

“To reverse the eruption of a chrono-shift, access to technology enabling time travel is required.”

I scratched my head at the thought of more time travel escapades. I really didn’t want to run the risk of getting stabbed on my wedding day like I had on my most memorable trip through time, but whatever we had to do, we needed Asahina-san. I lent my ear to the sounds of muffled calamity still occurring above us. It appeared Kunikida had gone MIA, so contacting Asahina-san became not just a practical but an ethical obligation.

I told Nagato to follow me as I stomped up the stairs. Haruhi had been behaving herself on this front a lot more since our first year of High School, but I guessed Bridesmaid-Mikuru was just too much for her. Well, it’s not like I wasn’t interested to see it myself…Oi universe, what’s with that judgemental look? I may be a soon-to-be-married man, but if my bride isn’t going to leave her lust at the door then I retain the right to wandering eyes!

However, this internal act of defiance felt somewhat pointless, as it was not the thought of Asahina-san that had set my heart thundering in my chest. Thinking of Haruhi in a bridal gown again made me feel completely dizzy, a warm feeling suffusing all throughout my body like a bacterial infection. Was this really real? Wasn’t this some kind of alternate reality, where the consequences of my actions wouldn’t have the slightest effect on the real world? Ever since our first kiss in Closed Space, I had always felt like Haruhi and I would always remain in more or less the same state, me as reluctant servant and her as diabolical overlord. Well, I supposed our marriage wasn’t going to be too different from that, but even when we started dating four years ago it felt like I had somehow achieved something I had never expected to, even knowing how she felt, even knowing how I felt. Like an alternate reality, I guess. But it was here, in this one.

At least, it was for me. Given what I knew and what she didn’t, it was like we were living in two completely different worlds.

The thick, glutinous knot that had been squeezing my chest came back with a vengeance. I’m sorry, Haruhi. I can’t do right by you. I can’t even wait for the ceremony before seeing you. I want your forgiveness, but I can’t even tell you what I’ve done wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kunikida knocked me out of depressive spiral again, this time with a door to my face.

“Eh – Kyon?! You can’t come in here!” Kunikida objected to my crumpled corpse. For some reason, his black tie was wrapped in a bandanna around his head. Is this really the time to kickstart your delinquent lifestyle, Kunikida?!

“Ehhhhhhhhhhhh? Kyon-kun is - !!!” Came Asahina-san’s soft, panicked voice.

“Ohohoh, couldn’t wait for the ceremony, could he? Hey Suzumiya-san, your hubby-to-be’s more of a man than I thought!” That carefree and boisterous tone could only belong to Tsuruya-san.

“KYON-KUN!” And that was…

My sister barrelled out of the room in a pink dress with her finger taking aim at my chest.

“You can’t see the bride before the wedding you know! It’s forbidden! For-bid-den!”

She was driving me back like a bulldozer driven by some Hollywood action hero, giving my chest an extra prod with each syllable.

“It’s important, I have to talk to Asahi- ”

“NO IFS!” She paused for effect. “NO BUTS!”

I hadn’t said either if nor but, but I was sure telling her that would only earn me another piledriver. What happened to the cute sister I had known all those years ago? She’s been spending way too much time with Haruhi. It was a sister-in-law tag team I had come to dread.

“Eh? Kyon-kun wants to see me…um…this isn’t the best the time…” Asahina-san’s dulcet tones rang out from behind the door.

“Asahina-san!” I slipped out from behind my sister’s human wall. “I have something I need to talk to you about! With Nagato.”

“N-Nagato-san is…?” She seemed to have got the hint about what kind of conversation this would be. “U-um…what should I do…?”

“Well, well, what’s this, Kyon-kun?” The mischievous face of Tsuruya-san in a dark blue, Chinese-style dress emerged from behind the door, intercepting my path. “You want to see Mikuru? Not your lovely bride? Aw man, it’s the day of the wedding and we already have a scandal on our hands! I’d expect nothing less from you, Kyon-kun!”

What exactly was that supposed to mean?! I gave her my best attempt at a stare like the kind a cowboy might have while saying this town wasn’t big enough for the both of them.

“Tsuruya-san, whatever you and Haruhi have been doing to Asahina-san, cut it out now! This is important!”

I started marching towards the door. At that time, I was reminded of the Charge of the Light Brigade and the three hundred Spartans at Thermopylae, but I didn’t let such depressing and realistic examples deter me from my righteous crusade.

“KYON-KUN, YOU CAN’T – Ah!”

Ever the reliable ally, Nagato easily fended off my sister’s hug-attacks with timely swishes of her arm. I charged on past the useless defence of Kunikida towards Tsuruya-san. Her eyes widened in surprise.

“Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah, wait a minute!”

Even Tsuruya-san’s spirited defence was insufficient against my determination. I ducked under her arms and passed right on through towards the growing sounds of quite a few panicked noises from Asahina-san. It’s okay, Asahina-san – I’ll do my best not to look!

The open door was in front of me. Asahina-san, to my relief and confusion, was fully dressed in an angelic white gown. But Haruhi…Haruhi was…

“G-G-G-G-GEEEEEEEEET OOOOUUUUUUUUT!”

Her flushing face slammed the door into mine, literally. I dropped to the floor, more from astonishment than the force of the blow. My nose was bleeding for a different reason, too, but don’t tell anyone. What was that?

Hey now, me. Is it really so shocking to see Haruhi half-dressed? You’ve seen her butt naked more than a few times – in fact, you’ve gotten to know that Haruhi very well indeed (oi, wipe that smirk off your face). I hadn’t been expecting it, so there was that, but I think what really did it for me was what she still had on. Just like in my imagination, there was something about seeing her half in her bridal dress that turned me on to a ridiculous degree. I felt the need to stand up and clamp my legs together.

Not long after, following much berating from Tsuruya-san and my sister and muffled shouts from behind the door, Asahina-san eventually eked open the door and crept through, leaving no room for even the slightest peek.

“Um…sorry about that, Kyon-kun…”

“I-it’s fine. Uh, can I ask what you were doing…?”

“Preparing your bride for her wedding night, of course! Wahahaha!” Tsuruya-san tormented me, and I felt like throttling her, just a little bit.

“N-no! It wasn’t like that! Kyon-kun, it really wasn’t like that!” Poor Asahina-san seemed like she was about to cry. It wasn’t even you I saw! I calmed down and gave a reassuring nod to show her I believed her. She exhaled with relief.

“Suzumiya-san couldn’t decide on what dress she wanted to wear…or how she wanted to wear it…so she asked us to help her decide…um…”

“And well, we thought we should have some fun with it! Get revenge for Mikuru’s suffering all those years ago, wahaha!”

“I-it was you who thought that, Tsuruya-san!” Asahina-san desperately objected. As if I could believe Saint Asahina could want revenge for anything. The girl turns her other cheek before someone even slaps her.

Wait, hold on – does this mean my Best Man has seen my bride naked?! I redirected my death-glare from Tsuruya-san to Kunikida. He started waving his hands in front of him as if he was trying to deflect my laser vision.

“I-I didn’t see anything! I tried to stop them, like you said, but Tsuruya-san grabbed me and wrapped my tie around my eyes!” He tugged on the tie now wrapped around his forehead. “They made me help out, but I was totally blind!”

I folded my arms and turned towards Tsuruya-san, who was nodding in confirmation, looking like she was having way too much fun. Satisfied, I gave Kunikida a solemn nod. It made no sense to try to get someone you just blinded to help you, but that kind of thing was just like Tsuruya-san. Then I realised something.

“Wait, it’s thirty minutes before the wedding, and she still hasn’t decided on her dress yet?” I groaned. “Well, it is like her to skim over important stuff like this…”

“Kyon-kun!” My sister scolded me. What now?! “That’s not how it was at all! Haruhi-nee thought really hard about it, but couldn’t decide, so she bought three just in case! She’s thinking about it even now just to make sure she looks as good as possible for your wedding!”

A-aah. That’s really quite sweet, actually. But Haruhi, please dial down your spending habits after we get married. And come to think of it, why does my sister use sibling honorifics for you when she doesn’t for her biological brother?!

“Suzumiya-san was totally psyched out when you turned up, Kyon-kun.” Tsuruya-san was squashing her cheeks between her hands and swivelling back and forth in adoration. “She was so nervous she couldn’t get out a word! Ah, young love…”

To my knowledge Tsuruya-san was the same age as the rest of us, but in Haruhi’s universe, I knew better than to make hasty assumptions. She could still be a slider/ghost/Mobile Suit Gundam yet. But what she said was kind of interesting. If Haruhi was feeling as anxious as me, maybe this was just a normal feeling after all…

“Well, we better get back to work. Please bring Mikuru back when you’re done with her, Kyon-kun. Only half an hour left to go~!” Tsuruya-san intoned, pulling Kunikida’s tie over his eyes and pushing him through the door, followed by my sister. “Suzumiya-saaaan, we’re coming in!”

Left outside with Asahina-san and Nagato, I prayed for my bride’s wellbeing. Intervention from me was clearly the opposite of what she wanted right now. For someone so bold, she really was easily embarrassed.

Anyway, we had even bigger fish to fry on a day that was beginning to qualify as a community barbecue for the fishmongers of the world. Leading my co-conspirators away from the door into an empty room, I gave Asahina-san a rundown of the situation.

“I think it’s called a chrono-shift. Nagato told me her understanding of it, but I’d appreciate it if I could hear yours as well.” What do you think? Cooler than admitting I had no idea what she was talking about, right?

“A – a chrono-shift…” Asahina-san performed the same clock-based experiment I had a little while earlier, minus a slave to hold her eyes open. “Oh no…what are we…what are we going to do?!” Her big amber eyes began shaking like a farm animal that had wandered too close to the electric fence. This didn’t look good. On my wedding, of all days - !

“Asahina-san, is it really that big of a problem? Can’t we fix it?”

Asahina-san shook her head. “A chrono-shift is…the time that we’re in is running differently from the time in the rest of the world. It will only run the same when we’re observing the time, on a clock or a phone or a…classified information…” She looked around nervously, only just remembering to censor herself in her panic. “But it will reset as soon as we look away!”

I scratched my head and thought it over. “Then to escape the chrono-shift, can’t we just go to an area where time is moving normally?”

“If it doesn’t cover the entire building then it should be fine…the wedding could still happen that way…but there’s no telling how large the chrono-shift is; sometimes it can cover districts, cities, countries, planets…”

My hand clapped against my forehead in despair. Planets?! You’re kidding. It was tough enough to get this venue, I’m not about to navigate the Martian marriage services!

“Asahina-san, isn’t there something we can do? Nagato said we might be able to, uh, ‘reverse the eruption’ with time travel technology.”

“Yes, but something of that scale…we’d need the classified information of the classified information, right in the heart of the classified information!” Asahina-san’s terrified babble was barely making sense anymore. “My TPDD just isn’t enough…I’m sorry, Kyon-kun…on your wedding day…”

“It’s okay, Asahina-san.” I reassured her. “We don’t know how large the chrono-shift is, do we? There’s still a chance we can get out of it and time can move normally again.” I turned to the silent alien next to me. “Nagato, I’m sorry for always relying on you like this, but do you think you could find Koizumi while Asahina-san and I check the grounds? He might be in my dressing room, if you know where that is.”

I had already sent Taniguchi on Search & Recon, but now I had Nagato at hand, I wasn’t going to rely on a half-trained mutt over a SR-71 reconnaissance jet.

She nodded. “Where should I bring them?”

“Oh, uh, the dressing room is fine.”

She gave another nod, announced she was leaving (a cute courtesy she never used to do), and softly stepped out of the room. Now it was just me and Asahina-san. I fully intended to check the grounds with her, but there was something else I wanted to check with her first.

“It’s okay, Asahina-san. You can stop acting now.”

The trembling Asahina-san froze. “Wha-what?”

I rubbed my hand against the back of my head. “I’ve never told you this, but I’ve met the future you more than a few times. You came back in time again to help me out. You can’t be too far from her in age now, and you look a lot like her…so I figure you must behave a lot like her too, when you’re in private.”

Asahina-san looked at me, agog, like a prey animal sizing up a new invader into its territory, discerning whether it’s a threat. I looked back at her with the gentlest expression I could manage; my usual slumped shoulders and casual demeanour hopefully communicated my very real ease with the whole situation.

Asahina-san brushed her hair a little from her forehead. “I really am nervous, though.” She told me in a mature and familiar voice. When she lifted her face, it was as though the future Asahina-san was standing in her place. “I’m sorry, Kyon-kun. For everything…”

I gave a small smile. I knew I was right. Koizumi suggested something like this to me ages ago, but I never bought the convoluted conspiracy theory that went along with it. It was just a hunch, really. How does the saying go? ‘Takes one to know one’.

“It’s fine, Asahina-san. They were your orders, right? We’ve all been keeping secrets.”

Tears, real tears were brimming at the corners of her eyes. She lifted her finger and brushed them aside.

“Kyon-kun…only you would understand…only you…” Though much more controlled than the ‘younger’ Asahina-san, her voice was still shaky. “I wish…” But whatever it is she was going to say, I never found out. Her sentence trailed off into the past forever. After a tremulous breath, she asked:

“Do you want to know why?”

I shook my head.

“That’s not really important to me. Even if you weren’t being honest with me, everything’s turned out pretty much exactly how I would have wanted it. I can’t blame you for that, Asahina-san. But can I just ask you one thing?”

She breathed in, bringing her emotions under control. “Yes?”

“Were you always the way you are now?”

She offered me a sad smile. “I was never quite the way I presented myself to you. But I was a lot closer to that person I was pretending to be than I am now. I really was young, scared, inexperienced…I just knew what I was doing a little more than I let on.”

I nodded, satisfied. I was relieved, to tell the truth. I was glad the Asahina-san I knew wasn’t a total fabrication.

“Then, were you really taking your revenge on Haruhi just now?” I asked with a turn of my lip.

“I-I wasn’t!” She pouted, before allowing a smirk and a giggle. “Well…maybe a little. But those are all fond, fond memories to me now.”

Her words reminded me of something. “Oh, Asahina-san, is it alright if I ask you one more thing?”

She looked up at me expectantly.

“What’s your real age?”

She smiled and cutesily brought a finger to her lip.

“Classified information!”

We laughed at the nostalgic scene. I was struck by just how well our friendship had survived this, and above all else, how relieved Asahina-san looked. I wondered whether it would be the same with Haruhi…whether the knot in my chest would unravel if I only found the courage to tell her.

Remembering we had a major problem at hand, the two of us set out on our clock-hunt. As soon as we left the room, Asahina-san morphed back into the shy girl we all knew so well. She may have been discovered by me, but she needed to keep up appearances for the world at large. It was bizarre and a little funny to watch, but at the same time, I was feeling the burden of yet another secret.

We searched a good half of the premises, and everywhere we went, the clocks were the same. The president of North High’s computer society, who Haruhi had somehow blackmailed into coming, eventually allowed us to look at his swanky atomic watch. Unfortunately, even that was subject to the chrono-shift. Let this be a lesson to all you youngsters out there – there are two things money can’t buy you: happiness, and freedom from the relentless flux of space-time.

When we had exhausted the upstairs rooms and were heading back down to the ground floor, I was ambushed outside my dressing room by a wild Taniguchi.

“KYON! Finally! You’re a hard man to find! Come on, I got him, I got him!”

Taniguchi was dragging me into my room by my tie, a privilege I typically reserve for Haruhi, but I forgave him when I saw he was as good as his word. Sitting across from me on a stool and a chair were Nagato and Koizumi.

“Welcome back. I have your ‘real’ cufflinks.” Koizumi sneaked out sardonically from behind his obsequious smile.

“Man, all that fuss for a pair of cufflinks!” Taniguchi was going off. “You know, I thought he was a member of staff! Who goes around cleaning clocks when there’s a wedding on? There’s no way you can make this guy your Best Man, Kyon – ”

“Good work, Taniguchi.” I slapped his back amicably. “Now I need you to find my real tie.”

“EUCH?!” Taniguchi was so shocked he evidently slipped into the memories of his past life as a Munich cobbler. “Why would you need a temporary tie?!”

“Because certain people think it’s okay to tug on the groom’s tie half an hour before his wedding.” I glowered at him.

Taniguchi was downcast in sour defeat, before suddenly, his ears pricked up.

“Eh? Half an hour?”

He looked at the clock. Dammit. A thousand plagues upon my loose tongue. The eyes of all the room were on him, and I wondered how many excuses were being collectively thought up over the duration of those agonising seconds. At least enough to power a small Honda Civic.

“Hmm. Guess I was quicker than I thought!” Taniguchi grinned. “Alright, I’ll find your stupid tie in no time!” He marched off, without me telling him where to find it. I was smart to make friends with such an idiot.

The tension in the room diffused as the time traveller and I stood facing our resident alien and esper.

“Well,” Koizumi motioned to the clock. “It seems we have plenty of time to explain.”

And explain we did. Koizumi had noticed our temporal jam a while ago and had been testing all the clocks Asahina-san and I hadn’t reached. It was then Taniguchi grabbed hold of him and led him in several different wrong directions until Nagato rescued them. From Koizumi’s findings, it seemed the entire venue was caught up in this chrono-shift.

“So what, are we going to have to cancel the wedding?” I moaned. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but I certainly felt something. Something like disappointment meets relief meets confusion meets me throwing my entire emotional computer out the window, I don’t know.

“We needn’t go to such lengths.” Koizumi smiled. “Although it would be easier if that were the case. However, I am not so sure this is a spacial issue at all.”

“Eh?” Asahina-san reacted. “But, Koizumi-kun…a chrono-shift is a space-time phenomenon…”

“Indeed. Perhaps I should clarify. It is a spacial issue, but perhaps not in the way we typically think of space. Rather than a segment of land being affected by this shift, it is my belief that it is merely the space between our skulls.”

An eerie silence permeated the room.

“And those of all the other guests.” Koizumi finished, with serious eyes undermining his easy smile.

“S-so…” Asahina-san began, “Koizumi-kun is saying…the guests are caught up in the chrono-shift, not the venue?”

“Hold on,” I interrupted. “If that’s true, Koizumi, we can never escape the shift. If it’s occurring inside ourselves, we’ll be stuck here forever!”

“So it would seem.” Koizumi bowed his head as he stared at his wringed hands. “Time has frozen within us…rather poetic, don’t you think? But perhaps now is not the time to be waxing lyrical.”

“This theory.” Nagato gave him a blank stare. “Where did you get it from?”

She had been doing this for years now, but it still warmed my heart to see Nagato actually interacting us like a regular person. At least, it typically would if my head wasn’t thumping like Goliath playing the bongos. Time frozen forever? What would that even look like? Would I ever see the night sky again, or catch a train again, or talk to anyone who wasn’t a wedding guest?

Would I ever marry Haruhi?

“It is simply my analysis of Suzumiya-san’s mental state.” Koizumi shrugged. “Working on the assumption that she created this chrono-shift, what purpose do you think it serves?”

I wracked my brains for an answer. Why would Haruhi want to freeze time? On today of all days? The day Koizumi said would make Haruhi so happy the Agency wouldn’t have to worry about any extraordinary phenomena occurring for at least a few months?

“It couldn’t be…”

“Oh? It looks like you’re catching on.”

“You’re telling me that Haruhi…has displaced us in time…”

“Yes…”

“…because she has cold feet?!”

Asahina-san looked at Nagato. Nagato looked at me. I looked at Koizumi.

Koizumi smiled.

“Can’t you relate?”

Well, yes, I could, but…

…

For crying out loud, Haruhi!

Koizumi and Asahina-san were debating whether that necessarily meant the chrono-shift was targeting us individually or whether she just placed it on the venue, but I couldn’t pay attention to any of that nonsense. I was just too mad.

“Oh? Where are you going?” Koizumi asked me as my hand reached for the doorknob.

“To see Haruhi.”

“Oh my. Isn’t it bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding?”

“You’re telling me at this rate, there won’t be a wedding. The entire life I’ve planned with Haruhi will never happen!” Unconsciously, I had raised my voice. Glancing behind my shoulder, I could see the others staring at me in surprise. That didn’t stop me, though.

“I let Haruhi get away with a whole lot…but cancelling our wedding? Fat chance!”

With that, I barged through the door and slammed it behind me. Just you wait, Haruhi. I’m going to give you a real talking-to. I don’t care if I get bad luck. I’d break a thousand mirrors if it meant getting out of this chrono-bullshit. I’m going to marry you in half an hour. I swear it.

Besides, I’d already seen the bride in quite a bit of detail today.

When I reached Haruhi’s floor, I was panting for air. I had ran again, unnecessarily, but I wasn’t going to postpone this any longer. I strode towards the door and fought off the waves of dizziness, the black knot tightening itself inside my chest. Yanking forth my courage, I knocked thrice.

“Ehhh? Who is it?” I heard my sister’s voice ask.

“It’s me. I’m coming in.”

Mass panic shook the other side of the room, and I opened the door as slowly yet confidently as possible. By the time I opened my eyes, Haruhi was facing the curtained window, hastily pulling the zip up on her bodice.

There was a long brunette ponytail before me, held fast by yellow ribbon and streaming over an almost naked back. Beneath that, a shapely white dress exploded into a fluff of silky flares. When she turned towards me, her dress flew like a swan mid-flight. It was – in a word – divine.

It was only the familiar irritation in those caramel brown eyes that reminded me, with comfort, that this really was Haruhi.

Supposedly, this woman was meant to be some kind of deity, and sometimes I really could believe it. It scared the crap out of me just then, just like it had when I woke up this morning in a cold sweat and a sinking feeling warring against a rapidly beating heart. I had felt as though, this was too much for me, or more accurately, like I couldn’t possibly deserve this.

But seeing her cute glare made me remember that this wasn’t a god I was looking at. How could it be? Theorise all you want, Koizumi, but as far as I was concerned, Haruhi was just Haruhi. That was the woman I was marrying, not God, not the potential for auto-evolution or a time-warp or whatever else you want to call her – all that’s unverifiable anyway. As usual, I was the only one in this damn brigade with my head on straight. I believe the evidence before my eyes, and the only thing I knew for sure was that this bold, forceful, chaotic girl was Suzumiya Haruhi, and that when she was with me I felt a certain something fill up my soul. What that something is, I’ll leave to you guys. I’ve got a pretty good idea, though.

While these thoughts were going through my head, absolutely nothing was escaping my mouth. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, but Haruhi obviously found our staring contest kind of awkward.

“W-well?!” Her furiously blushing face asked. “What is it?!”

Now I was blushing. I did my best to recover my cool and issued a command to all Haruhi’s hanger-ons.

“Everyone out!”

Kunikida gladly took the opportunity and bumped straight into me, before remembering to pull his tie off his eyes and running for freedom. The others were less enthusiastic.

“Haaah? Dumb Kyon, who do you think you are to order me about in my own dressing room? I’m Brigade Leader, you know!” Haruhi objected, snorting like a bull.

“Not you, Haruhi. You stay here.” I turned to Tsuruya-san and my sister. “You two, get out.”

“Hmm?” Tsuruya-san was undeterred, her wicked smile welcoming the challenge. “Can’t you wait until the wedding, Kyon-kun? Or do you want a last piece of young love before the marriage bed sucks it all away?”

“KYON-KUN!” Began my sister, again. “I’M HARUHI-NEE’S BRIDESMAID, AND – ”

“If you don’t get out I’ll tell Mum and Dad who broke the TV!” I threatened her.

My sister deflated like Aeolus’ bag of winds.

“Y-you wouldn’t…ohhh…” Compliantly and resentfully, she traipsed out. Now only my greatest foe remained. Fortunately, I had a plan.

“Tsuruya-san, please leave. It’s just as you said: I’m going to make love to Haruhi.”

A high-pitched squeal escaped from Haruhi. “Wh-wh-wh-wh-what?! Kyon! What are you saying?!”

“Eh?” Tsuruya-san looked at me as if she didn’t quite understand. “Eh? Eh eh? That was a joke…you’re joking, right? Right?”

I stared her down like I was the protagonist in the sequel to that cowboy movie I mentioned at our last showdown.

“Eh? Eh? Eh eh eh?” Tsuruya-san was colouring red. “Eh? Ah…eh?”

She turned around and walked from the room in a total daze. When I saw the chance, I slammed the door behind her. Tsuruya-san, your bark is so much worse than your bite. I pray for your swift recovery.

Haruhi backed up against the window with her fists out in front of her in what looked like an entirely new martial art.

“B-back off Kyon! We’re going to get married, you know?! There’s no time for that kind of thing…” Her flushed cheeks made her pout extra cute. “Geez, you’re always so needy…”

“That’s you, isn’t it?” I sighed with some affection. Really. Her face had sucked all my righteous anger out of me. Guess I should prepare for my life as a doormat husband. “Relax, Haruhi. That’s not why I’m here.”

I walked up to her and plonked my hands on her shoulders. She squeaked and her big eyes stared up at me with apprehension.

“Haruhi…how are you feeling?”

Her cheeks puffed out as she geared up to vehemently reject the supposition that anything was wrong with her. But just as soon, they deflated, and her face fell with her silence. We’d been in a relationship too long for any of the emotional drama of our teenage years, so we’d been approaching something like honesty. One big hurdle still remained for me, though.

All of a sudden, Haruhi barrelled into my chest and a disorienting warmth rammed through me like a bolt from a ballista. She was clenching my lapels, holding them with all her strength, rubbing her head against my chest, taking in my scent. Shaking.

“Even though I’ve wanted this for so long…”

I pressed my arm against her back and pulled her closer. Oh, Haruhi.

“Even though I’ve wanted this for so long,” her muffled voice repeated. “I’m still scared…”

It’s normal, you know, Haruhi? Cold feet. That’s what I wanted to say.

But then she said something else.

“…Of what you might say…”

My eyes widened. So this wasn’t just cold feet. There was something more to this, something I was completely unaware of: something I hadn’t noticed because I was too busy worrying about my own secrets.

“Haruhi…”

I really was a hopeless man. Very well then, Haruhi, I’ll take responsibility. I’ll tell you what I know you need to hear. It shouldn’t be too hard: it’s the truth, after all.

“No matter what you tell me…no matter what you haven’t told me…there’s no way I could leave you, you know?” I drew us apart just enough so I could look into her puffy red eyes. “First of all, you’ve thoroughly domesticated me. If I went back out there into the big wide world without you, I’d be eaten up in a heartbeat.” She couldn’t help but smile at that, which made me smile too. “And secondly…I’ve seen the world without you in it. I don’t want to go back there.”

I didn’t expect her to understand what I was talking about, since the events of that Christmas had been forgotten by everyone but Nagato and me. Still, it seemed to reassure her. After a little while, she drew in a breath, tried to say something, failed, and, in classic Haruhi style, tried a second time but louder.

“S-so, you don’t blame me?!”

“Huh?” I was completely taken aback.

“You don’t blame me?!” Her expression was intensely earnest, like a dam had exploded within her and she was awash with the power and relief of the flow.

“Why…why would I blame you?” I lifted my hands up in genuine confusion at the bouncing fireball beneath me.

“I mean!” Haruhi turned away from me now and paced back and forth, looking at everything else in the room. “I made you do all these crazy things you didn’t want to, just because you started talking to me…you just wanted a normal high school life, but because I was bored, I dragged you into all of it and…now you’re marrying me, but do you really want that, Kyon? Do you really…” She bit her lip and cautiously, fearfully, dared to look up at me. “…want me?”

I blinked at her, and stayed quiet for longer than was good for her peace of mind. It wasn’t that I had to think about the answer; I was just so shocked. This had been your reason for worrying all this time? This was your reason for stopping time? It was never about her at all. It was just about me…

“Wh-why are you laughing?!” Haruhi’s trembling, embarrassed face was doing its best to be menacing, but nothing would work. I just couldn’t stop laughing. It was so stupid.

“Haruhi,” I made out when I recovered myself, “I do have free will, you know? I’m not just a puppet dancing on your strings.”

“O-of course I know that!” Now she was indignant. “That’s why I was asking – ”

“Haruhi, if I really felt that way, why would I have proposed? Or heck, before that, why would I have even asked you out? Or in the very beginning, why do you think I went to the SOS Brigade after school every day? I could have ditched you anytime I wanted.” A smile crept up my face unwares. I felt truly, truly happy. “But I wouldn’t change anything in these last seven years. Not a bit of it.”

Really, Haruhi, I had realised all this in the first year I met you. For a multi-talent super-genius, you really are dense. Our eyes looked into each other’s for a good minute, and inside her gaze I saw a churning sea of raw feeling, shifting, changing, like a subatomic particle. It was seriously enchanting to look at, and I could have stayed there for the rest of our endless time, but a bear hug from Haruhi knocked me back to the outside world.

“Stupid Kyon…” She muttered. She sounded happy herself – so happy I could hardly picture the gloomy girl who sat in front of me on the first day of High School. Really, how far we’d come.

Or, no, not quite yet.

“…Say it…”

“Hm?”

“Say you’ll marry me!”

“I just said I wouldn’t leave you, didn’t I? And in the first place, isn’t that what the vows are for!?”

“Just say it, Kyon! Do what I tell you to already…”

I chewed on my thoughts. Haruhi had borne herself to me, her whole self, secrets, regrets and all. It was time for me to step up too. Hopefully she would just laugh it off like I had, but whatever might happen, it needed to be said. If I turned back without saying it, I knew I couldn’t forgive myself.

“No.”

“N-no?” Haruhi’s frail voice repeated.

“No. Not yet. First…”

I pulled us apart more urgently this time, and now it was my turn to cling onto her for security as my hands gently squeezed her shoulders. Damn the consequences. This wasn’t anything new. I had the balls to do it before, so I might as well do it now, and if the universe explodes, well, the universe explodes. The universe should get a hobby instead of interfering with my relationship with Haruhi all the time. It’s been third wheeling through our whole relationship, you know? It’s super awkward, and I’m fed up with it.

I said a silent apology to the others, but what happened now was just between me and Haruhi, and no-one else.

“Haruhi, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“It would seem the time has come at last.” Koizumi jested, invading my personal space enough for Taniguchi and Kunikida not to hear. “Whatever you did back there, it seems to have worked. Nagato-san hasn’t detected any fluctuations since you reported back to us.”

“Well, don’t jinx it. I’ve been waiting for this long enough.”

In the last twenty minutes, with the help of my male companions including a returning baffled Taniguchi, I had patted down my suit, mastered my hair, and fixed my tie so perfectly that no further fiddling was necessary. As I stood in front of the door to the main hall, waiting for the ceremony preparations to begin, I found my nervousness had disappeared. I was confident – even excited. Koizumi, sly as he was, evidently caught on to this.

“Would I be right in saying the chrono-shift wasn’t the only thing you fixed?”

I couldn’t help but let loose a smile.

“Something like that.”

“Well, I wish you two the utmost happiness.” Koizumi’s face was painted with his usual cheery smile, but I felt a cold stab like the kind a resurrected blue-haired AI might give. I hadn’t forgotten what the other Koizumi had told me in that transformed world.

“Koizumi.” I turned to face him. “I’m glad you’re here.”

The fake smile paused, before settling into a much more genuine one.

“And I am genuinely happy for the two of you. You must believe me when I say that. And not just for the Agency’s sake.” He brought a finger thoughtfully to his chin. “Although, if you’re so glad I’m here, you could have at least made me your Best Man.”

Yare yare. Him too? I gave a good-natured sigh and an exaggerated shrug. “Sorry, I’ve just known Kunikida longer than anyone else. Besides, if you gave a speech you would just start talking about the Anthropic Principle or Schrodinger’s Cat or some other stuff that would send our audience to sleep.”

Koizumi chuckled. “Fair enough. Your wedding, at least, deserves to be a day off from the problems facing the make-up of reality. It really is unfortunate the chrono-shift occurred when it did.”

“No,” I shook my head. “I think it occurred at just the right time.”

“Oh?” Koizumi looked interested, but didn’t follow up.

A brief period of silence ensued as I contemplated the doors. What would happen from here? I would stand at the end of the end of the hall with Kunikida, and wait for Haruhi to emerge from the other side of the room arm-in-arm with her old man and her chaotic quartet of bridesmaids in hot pursuit. Then we would hold each other’s hands before the officiant, say our vows…you know, if the officiant calls me Kyon, I think I’m going to cry.

“Kyon.” Kunikida tapped me on the shoulder. “It’s time.”

I placed my hand on the doorknob with gravitas. Before I was ready to open it, a meaningless thought occurred to me.

“Ah…I hope Haruhi’s washed her face since then. It’d be bad if people thought she’d been crying on her wedding day for the wrong reasons.”

“I’m sure she’s already beaming from ear to ear.” Koizumi assured me. “And I don’t think Suzumiya-san will care much for what her poor guests might think. You might as well be the whole universe to her today; the rest of us will just be specks in the corner of her eye.”

I smirked as I turned the handle.

“Are you kidding me? This is Haruhi we’re talking about, remember? She might love me, but she also loves aliens, time travellers and espers.”

As I stepped through the door, I turned my head back to Koizumi.

“After the ceremony, good luck prising her away from you guys. You’ll have a lot of catching up to do.”

As mine and Kunikida’s footsteps echoed against the polished wooden floor, I heard Koizumi, after a spell of stunned silence, begin to ever-so-weakly tell me to wait. But in the end, it just devolved into a tremendous chuckling. I smiled and fixed my eyes ahead of me.

Haruhi had known me long enough now to tell when I’m being serious. What had worried me was how she would feel about us hiding it from her all these years, but it turned out I was being just as stupid as she was.

Like Haruhi would ever turn up the opportunity to play with aliens, time travellers and espers.

#haruhi suzumiya #fanfic #tmohs #kyon x haruhi #the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya #not tg

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dirtdoesntneedluck · 5 years

Text

Second Futurama Script

I wrote a script for an episode of Futurama a couple month’s back, inspired by writing that first one I started a second, got stuck on where to go and have only a few weeks back finished it off. I don’t think it’s as good as the first (I don’t know if either are that good, but still) however I thought I’d share it regardless. Feel free to criticize it, all opinions are welcome, as long as it’s not a personal attack then I’m fine with it, we all have opinions on episodes of the actual show, so why should this be different?

Be warned, it’s 30 pages on Word so it’s a long read, it’s your choice, you don’t have to. For reference: Italics are description, bold is who’s talking, normal is dialogue, (Under name is the way the line is delivered).

(Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own the rights to Futurama, this is a non-profit idea and simply a writing exercise to keep me amused, so I believe it falls within fair use, please don’t sue! If you want me to take it down, I will.)

OPENING CREDITS

CAPTION: (Typing onto the screen) HELP! THEY CAUGH- (Previous text is deleted, replaced by-) NOTHING TO READ HERE. CARRY ON.

BILLBOARD CARTOON: ‘The Laughing Fish’ from ‘Batman: The Animated Series’.

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS – DAY

Low shot on the building as several ships fly overhead.

INT. LOUNGE, PLANET EXPRESS – SAME TIME

The crew, minus Farnsworth, are sat watching the TV, but not really paying attention as they do other things

ON THE TV: Morbo and Linda present the news.

MORBO

-Sending prices skyrocketing again.

LINDA

(laughs)

I’m just glad I’m rich.

(pause)

Turning to more serious news and the late night robbery of a liquor store by a swarthy Latin bandit.

Everyone perks up and turns to Bender, who shrugs.

BENDER

Nope, wasn’t me.

They’re still staring.

BENDER

What? I can’t commit every robbery. I have a lot of scams to run.

Farnsworth enters. Fry turns off the TV.

FARNSWORTH

(happy)

Horrifying and terrible news everyone! We’re all certain to be killed!

The crew cheer, it takes them a few moments to separate the tone from the words.

LEELA

Wait a second, what do you mean killed?

FARNSWORTH

That’s right, killed.

FRY

Well, I can’t complain, I did live a thousand years.

FARNSWORTH

Alternatively however it may simply be-

(happy)

Good news everybody!

(normal)

And no one will be killed at all.

Bender tuts, half way through engraving a headstone, it reads: ZOIDBERG, FISH MONSTER, UNBELOVED BY ALL.

BENDER

Make your mind up, which is it?

FARNSWORTH

It all depends on the success, or lack thereof, of your latest mission. A delivery to the warring planets of Alpha-Zeta and Beta-Omega. Two delightful little places located in the cheerfully named ‘Murder Zone’.

FRY

What bit am I supposed to understand here?

FARNSWORTH

Only that they exist a mere 100 miles apart and have been fighting over a perceived slight perhaps committed by one, or the other of them, sometime in the past. No ship has ever gone directly between the two planets, as anyone having been to either is labelled a threat by both. Luckily, however, I’ve prepared disguises for you and the ship so you can blend in on both planets.

FRY

Cool, disguises, I understood that part. Can I be a pirate?

FARNSWORTH

No.

LEELA

What are we delivering?

FARNSWORTH

Both planets are being delivered the same items, parts for there large manufacturing plants. So it’s vitally important you don’t give them the wrong package, otherwise you’ll be killed on the spot.

LEELA

(confused)

Okay?

AMY

Wait, I thought you said we’d all be killed?

FARNSWORTH

No, only Fry, Leela and Bender will be killed.

HERMES

So what about us?

FARNSWORTH

We’re all going to take Nibbler for a walk, get ice-cream and have a generally pleasant time.

Amy, Zoidberg and Hermes cheer as they exit the room with Nibbler and Farnsworth. Fry, Leela and Bender sit, annoyed.

BENDER

Well this sucks.

They continue to sit. Farnsworth pops his head back in.

FARNSWORTH

Well, what are you waiting for? I’m not paying you not to be killed.

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP – LATER

The ship idles a little way off from the twin planets of Alpha-Zeta (left) and Beta-Omega (right). A-Z seems to be covered in a thick smoke, where as B-O is incredibly clean, you can practical spot the people on the street.

INT. CARGO BAY, PLANET EXPRESS SHIP – SAME TIME

Leela, Bender and Fry stand in the middle of the room, between the sets of clothes and packages for both planets. A-Z’s are very old looking, like something from Victorian London. B-O’s look is ultra modern, all clean and sharp edges.

LEELA

Alright gang these are the disguises we’ll have to wear. Alpha-Zeta first then Beta-Omega.

Fry picks up a pair of trousers from B-O’s side, there baggy, the only item from there outfit which doesn’t seem to fit.

FRY

Look at these clothes, they sure are goofy.

LEELA

Fry, it’s not for us to judge what these people wear, besides they aren’t goofy, there just weird.

BENDER

(laughs)

Well, I’m just glad I don’t have to wear anything.

LEELA

Actually Bender, the professor said we had to re-spray you for both planets.

BENDER

(grumbles)

Fine.

Fry picks up a giant stencil and wraps it around Bender, Leela then uses spray paint to fill the gaps.

Completed the stencil comes off and Bender is now covered by a lot of light brown markings, he looks in a mirror.

BENDER

Well I still look better than you two do.

Leela and Fry have changed in the interim, it’s all drab grey’s and browns. Leela wears a flat cap that covers her hair and Fry has some raggedy fingerless gloves on. Both of them, despite the nature of there top half and shoes, are wearing very thin black trousers.

FRY

That’s for sure, this cotton is real rough.

Fry itches, quite uncomfortable.

LEELA (O.S)

Don’t forget your moustache, Fry.

Leela throws Fry and identical moustache to the one she’s wearing. It’s a thick brushed early 1900’s design.

FRY

What’s this for?

LEELA

The air quality down there stinks and so does the planet, these will help us to breathe and release a blast of strawberry every few minutes.

Fry has put his moustache on. Can smell strawberry’s.

FRY

Oh, nice.

LEELA

Bender you’ll-

Bender has already equipped a stick on handlebar moustache.

BENDER

Way ahead of ya.

LEELA

Alright, that just leaves the ship.

Leela press a button on the side of the hull, which...

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP – CONTINUOUS

...sees tiny little lights pop up out of the ship. They turn on creating a hologram. In this case the ship looks like a steam punk version of itself.

It heads towards A-Z.

EXT. SIDE STREET, A-Z – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

The ship carefully lands. The buildings here are made of stone and sit very close together. There longer than they are tall.

EXT. STREETS, A-Z – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Fry carries the package as he, Leela and Bender stride on. They seem to fit in well, aside from the trousers.

Smoke hangs just over head height. It means the residents of this planet, who are quite tall, have developed a forward lean, always looking down.

FRY

I’ve never seen so much smoke.

BENDER

Then some more won’t matter.

Bender lights his cigar and puffs out yet more smoke.

LEELA

Bender, you shouldn’t be revelling in the plight of these downtrodden people, you should be trying to help them.

BENDER

I don’t see you leading the charge.

LEELA

Hey, I give to charity you know.

FRY

You do? Which one?

LEELA

How should I know?

EXT. A-Z MANAFACTURING PLANT – A FEW MINUTES LATER

A large sign hangs above the plant: APLHA-ZETA MANUFACTURING CONCERN (NOT AFFILIATED WITH MOM CORP.). Only ‘not’ is in red whereas the rest of the words are in white.

Fry, Leela and Bender wander through the area until they reach the main door, it’s oddly short.

Leela presses the call button on the intercom.

LEELA

(male voice)

Planet Express.

Its a few seconds and then the door opens, they enter.

INT. CORRIDOR, A-Z MANAFACTURING PLANT – CONTINUOUS

Leela and Fry instantly have to lean forwards like the locals. The corridor is low because they’ve no need for the extra head space. All Bender has done is shorten his legs.

FRY

I think my spine just compressed.

LEELA

Mine too. Let’s get this over quick.

BENDER

(laughing)

You guys are always proving why your the infer-

Bender walks right into a low hanging light.

BENDER

Ow!

RECEPTION ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

The trio emerge into a slightly taller area. A woman sits behind a desk, is instantly suspicious of them.

RECEPTIONIST

You’re the delivery crew?

FRY

Sure are.

RECEPTIONIST

Right.

She’s unconvinced for some reason, exits the room into the office behind it.

LEELA

(low)

What’s that about?

BENDER

Fry, you idiot!

FRY

What?

BENDER

I dunno, do I need an excuse?

The receptionist returns, false smile on her face.

RECEPTIONIST

Please enter.

Leela leads Fry and Bender into the office.

OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

The office is again slightly taller. The height of a room here defines the occupant’s social standing.

The plant manager stands behind his desk. He watches as figures approach the frosted window that separates this room from the reception area.

PLANT MANAGER

So, you’re the delivery crew?

FRY

(slightly worried)

Sure are.

PLANT MANAGER

Uh huh.

Fry steps forwards and hands over the package.

PLANT MANAGER

(suspicious)

Let’s see, shall we?

The manager opens the package, is surprised to find it’s exactly what he wanted.

PLANT MANAGER

How about that. It’s what I asked for.

BENDER

Of course it is. What were you expecting?

Bender’s comment is ignored. The manager sinks to his desk and uses the phone, an old rotary model, talks very softly into it. The figures behind the frosted glass leave.

The manager gets back up.

PLANT MANAGER

Alright then, cheerio.

EXT. MANUFACTURING PLANT – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Fry, Leela and Bender walk out of the door and back into the smoke ridden area they were before. Bender extends his legs back to normal height.

LEELA

That was odd, right?

FRY

Definitely.

BENDER

They sure didn’t trust us.

LEELA

Maybe the professor was right. We’d better be careful.

They head back towards the ship, aware that there receiving a lot of attention.

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP – LATER

The ship fly’s from A-Z and stops a safe distance away. Off goes the first holographic design, replaced by the second, the ship now looks ultra modern, sleek and clean.

INT. CARGO BAY, PLANET EXPRESS SHIP – SAME TIME

Fry and Leela have changed outfits. Again, the trousers don’t seem to fit. As for their hair it’s pushed way up to a point, like a cone.

Bender is cleaned and then re-sprayed in the same manner as before. This time he looks a little like R2-D2.

EXT. METROPOLITAN CITY, B-O – A LITTLE LATER

The ship has no trouble landing, spaces are plentiful.

STREETS – LATER

Fry, Leela and Bender wander through the city. Its inhabitants are tall like their neighbours only they stand straight, making them almost eleven foot. It’s not only their height but their gaze, everyone looks up.

FRY

I wonder what it’s like being that tall?

Bender extends his legs up, reaching the height of the people around him. Its a few seconds before he comes back down, tear in his eye.

BENDER

It’s great.

LEELA

Did you see the building up there?

He extends again, comes down crying.

BENDER

Next left.

EXT. B-O MANUFACTURING PLANT – MINUTES LATER

This place is taller than any skyscraper on earth and it’s not even the biggest building here. It has almost the same sign to the first plant: BETA-OMEGA MANUFACTURING CONCERN (NOT AFFILIATED WITH MOM CORP.).

Leela, Fry and Bender approach the door. The intercom is too high for Leela to reach.

LEELA

Bender?

Bender lowers himself. Leela gets on his shoulders and then holds on as he extends his legs.

Fry is left alone for a few moments, can’t quite here the conversation but it’s the same as before.

Leela and Bender come back down hugging and crying.

LEELA

Fry, it’s great up there.

The door opens.

INT. CORRIDOR, MANUFACTURING PLANT – MOMENTS LATER

This plant doesn’t look like it needs any parts, it’s almost fully automated. The crew head down the huge corridor.

RECEPTION AREA – MOMENTS LATER

Fry, Leela and Bender enter. A male receptionist sits at his desk. Looks down his nose to see them.

MALE RECEPTIONIST

You’re the delivery crew?

The tone is the same as before, the crew share a look.

LEELA

Sure are.

MALE RECEPTIONIST

A moment.

The receptionist exits into the office behind.

LEELA

So-

FRY

Yeah-

BENDER

Right-

There on the same uneasy page as the receptionist re-emerges.

MALE RECEPTIONIST

Enter, please.

OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER

A very tall room. The manager sits at his desk to make it easier for him to inspect Fry, Leela and Bender.

MANAGER

Well, it seems you’re the delivery crew.

LEELA

(strong)

Sure are.

MANAGER

All right then.

Fry walks the package over. To the tall manager it’s very small. He opens it keenly, looks stunned.

MANAGER

The supplies?

BENDER

(to Fry and Leela)

Jeez, what do these people think there getting?

MANAGER

If you’d stay there a moment.

It’s a nervous few moments as they wait. The manager speaks hush tones into the phone.

The doors open, two security guards enter. The trio gulp.

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP – LATER

The ship, normal livery, heads away from the two planets.

INT. COCKPIT, PLANET EXPRESS SHIP – SAME TIME

The cork of a champagne bottle is popped. Leela pours the drink into three separate glasses. She takes one, Fry and Bender the others. They wear two medals each, clean gold and dirty bronze.

LEELA

Heroes! Can you believe it!?

FRY

I knew that psychic wasn’t lying!

BENDER

Yet another achievement for me to add to the list.

They clink glasses, down the champagne.

Leela picks up a copy of the B-O paper, the headline reads: PACKAGE DELIVERY COMPANY DELIVERS PEACE BETWEEN PLANETS. The picture is of the crew standing with the leaders of the planets A-Z and B-O, who shake hands.

LEELA

I can’t wait until everyone knows!

FRY

Finally I can make my nephew proud of me.

BENDER

This calls for only one thing.

Fry and Leela wait to know what that is. Bender opens his compartment and takes out two more bottles of champagne.

BENDER

MORE CHAMPAGNE!

Bender shakes both bottles until the corks pop and the champagne flies out.

INT. OFFICE, MOM CORP. – LATER THAT DAY

A robot butler pours more champagne into Mom’s glass. She soaks in a bubble bath, watching a TV the size of a cinema screen. On her left is a case of dodo eggs, she picks one out, dips it in caviar and then eats it like an apple.

ON THE TV: Morbo and Linda are reporting the news.

MORBO

Surprising news just coming in from the ‘Murder Zone’, Linda?

MOM

I feel richer already.

Single on Linda, the picture from the paper beside her.

LINDA

That’s right, Morbo. It seems a package delivery crew has brokered a peace deal between warring planet’s Alpha-Zeta and Beta-Omega. This has-

MOM

(screaming)

WALT! GET ME FARNSWORTH!

WALT (O.S)

Philo or Hubert?

MOM

HUBERT!!

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS – THE NEXT DAY

The ship arrives rather sloppily into dock.

INT. LANDING BAY, PLANET EXPRESS – MOMENTS LATER

Noise can be heard before the crew comes down the stairs. All three are drunk. Eight bottles of champagne will do that to a person. Their arrival is something of a farce.

When they do focus, slightly, they find a furious Farnsworth standing waiting for them.

FRY

Good news, professor?

FARNSWORTH

No, not good news at all. The opposite in fact. Bad news.

LEELA

(laughing)

Bad news everyone?

FARNSWORTH

Yes. You’re all fired.

That sobered them a little.

BENDER

Fired?

Mom enters, bucket of water in each hand.

MOM

FIRED!

She throws the water over Fry, Leela and Bender.

READY AREA – LATER

Leela and Fry are still soaking, though drying off with towels. They sit with Bender as Mom strides angrily around the room. Farnsworth watches on.

MOM

What exactly did you numbskulls do to broker peace?

FRY

Nothing, we just delivered a package to each planet.

MOM

Nonsense, you must have done more than that?

LEELA

No, we really didn’t.

MOM

Hubert! What did you tell them to do?

FARNSWORTH

Nothing.

Mom picks up the B-O paper, rolls it to hit Farnsworth with. Unfurls it to show him to front again.

MOM

This isn’t nothing!

Farnsworth looks at the picture. With Mom stressing him he really pays attention. Something clicks.

FARNSWORTH

Which planet did you go to second?

LEELA

Beta-Omega.

FARNSWORTH

(of picture)

And this is what you wore to it?

LEELA

Yes?

FARNSWORTH

God lord! You were wearing the trousers for Alpha-Zeta on Beta-Omega!

FRY

That’s how they were laid out?

FARNSWORTH

It was?

LEELA

Yes.

FARNSWORTH

My word. With you wearing the wrong trousers on each planet, they both must have thought you were ambassadors from the other. The resulting niceness fostered an atmosphere of peace between them.

MOM

Destroying my manufacturing concerns on both.

FRY

Don’t you make, like, a billion dollars a minute anyway?

MOM

Not since you screwed everything up I don’t!

BENDER

Then just start another scam. I’ve got a great one going with-

Mom takes out a remote, points it at Bender, presses a button to shock him.

MOM

Enough!

LEELA

What exactly do you want from us?

MOM

To re-start that war!

LEELA

And why would we do that? Both planets are going to be much better off without it.

Mom shocks Bender again.

BENDER

Shut up, Leela!

MOM

You’re going to do it because if you don’t I’ll not only destroy this company but the lives of everyone who works here!

FRY

(shocked)

Even Scruffy?

MOM

Especially Scruffy.

Scruffy, who’s been stood just out of shot the whole time, looks very concerned.

SCRUFFY

I reckon you kids better go cause war.

He wanders off.

MOM

You have three days. Starting from two days ago.

FRY

(confused)

So we have?

MOM

ONE DAY, IDIOT!

Mom storms off.

FARNSWORTH

Okay, you heard the mean lady.

MOM (O.S)

AND SHE HEARD YOU!

FARNSWORTH

I’d better be going.

Farnsworth scurries away.

INT. FRY AND BENDER’S PLACE – LATER

Leela paces up and down the room. Fry sits nervously beside a far calmer Bender, who sips a beer.

LEELA

We are catastrophically boned.

FRY

Got that right, I don’t want to start a war.

BENDER

Why not? Plenty of money to be made from war.

LEELA

No Bender, no wars.

BENDER

Just a little one?

LEELA

No.

BENDER

Fine. Then I’ll guess we’ll just let Mom destroy our lives.

LEELA

We’re not doing that either.

FRY

Then what are we doing?

LEELA

I don’t know.

FRY

Why does Mom even want a war?

LEELA

That’s a good question. We should find out. She’s bound to have files we can steal.

BENDER

How? Mom has the best security out there?

FRY

It’d take some kind of thief to pull off that job.

BENDITO (O.S)

Perhaps I can help?

On a wire above them is BENDITO, a bending unit with a thin moustache and an eye patch covering a missing left eye. He drops down. He’s like a more suave Bender.

BENDER

Bendito! What are you doing here?

LEELA

Bender you know this bending unit?

BENDER

Are you kidding? Bendito’s my mortal enemy.

BENDITO

We’re also in the same book club.

FRY

Why are you here?

BENDITO

Bender scammed me. I came to even the score.

LEELA

Bender is this true?

BENDER

Do you even need to ask?

BENDITO

You cost me a grand total of three dollars.

From his compartment Bendito takes out the medals earned earlier.

BENDITO

These shall suffice as compensation.

FRY

Hey, those are my medals!

BENDITO

I found them in Bender’s room?

LEELA

Bender you stol-

(thinks about it)

Of course you did.

BENDITO

(handing medals to Fry)

My apologies.

BENDER

So, you gonna help us break into Mom Corp.?

BENDITO

Why should I?

BENDER

It’ll be fun.

BENDITO

I’ll do it.

INT. CAFE ACROSS FROM MOM CORP. – THAT NIGHT

Bender, Bendito, Fry and Leela occupy a window booth that looks out towards Mom’s. They plot the potential heist.

BENDITO

According to my source-

BENDER

“Source”? You mean the robot mafia?

BENDITO

(sighs)

Yes. The robot mafia.

(starting again)

According to them the system installed in the offices works on facial recognition. If we can fool them, by dressing up as Mom and her sons we’ll have a small window to hack the computer.

LEELA

How do we get in?

BENDITO

According to a different source-

BENDER

Elzar? Is it Elzar? Sometimes Elzar cooks there, you’re talking about Elzar, right? I know you know Elzar.

BENDITO

(louder sigh)

Yes, Bender. Elzar, I talked to Elzar! Any other questions?

The waitress passes by.

WAITRESS

Refill?

BENDITO

No.

A robot in the next booth turns round.

RANDOM ROBOT

What’s two times three?

BENDITO

Six.

FRY

Why does a robot need an eye patch, can’t you just replace your eye?

BENDITO

It’s a style choice.

(pauses waiting for more questions)

Any more questions?

BENDER

We’ll ask the questions here.

BENDITO

(even louder sigh)

Anyway. Elzar says there’s an express elevator exclusive to Mom. If we can convince the operator that Leela is Mom we can gain access to the penthouse.

FRY

I wanted to be Mom.

BENDITO

Leela is Mom. Bender is Larry. I’ll play Walt and Fry you’ll be Igner.

FRY

Igner?

BENDER

Larry?

LEELA

Fine with me.

BENDITO

Then it’s settled.

EXT. MOM CORP. – A LITTLE LATER

The group are now dressed as there respective characters. Leela wears sunglasses to cover her eye. Bender and Bendito are very obviously robots. Fry actually looks like Igner.

BENDER

At least if we get caught we’ll have funny mug shots.

FRY

There’s a relief.

LEELA

Will you two shut up?

BENDER

Someone’s already in character.

LEELA

What do you mean?

BENDER

Nothing, ‘Mom’.

They enter the building.

INT. FOYER, MOM CORP. – CONTINUOUS

This place is a lot busier then they were expecting. They walk as quickly as possible to the back and the waiting lift. A robot in a suit operates it.

LIFT ROBOT

Back already, Mom?

There are quick glances between each other, they’ve totally forgot to check if Mom was even out. Leela reacts fast.

LEELA

(sweet Mom)

Oh yes, uh, deary, we forgot the candies.

LIFT ROBOT

You and those candies.

The robot moves to let them into the lift, joins them.

LIFT

The doors shut. The five of them are closed in without the chance of escape, a most dangerous time. This is tempered somewhat by Bender whispering something about Leela being like Mom to Fry and Bendito, they chuckle to themselves.

Something else is said, the chuckles become laughs. Leela becomes annoyed. Turns.

LEELA

(mean Mom)

Will you knuckleheads knock that off?

Leela swings a slap that connects on the cheek of all three of them. Is oddly satisfied by it.

She turns back to see the Lift Robot minding his business.

LEELA

(sweet Mom)

Boy’s need discipline is what I always say.

LIFT ROBOT

Yes, Mom.

PENTHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

The lift opens. All bar the lift robot flood out.

LEELA

(sweet Mom)

We’ll be but a minute.

The lift door shuts. Now they’re in the clear.

FRY

So, ouch.

LEELA

I’m starting to like being Mom.

BENDER

Already got the mood swings down.

He laughs, gets slapped by Leela.

BENDER

See?

She slaps him again.

OFFICE – A MINUTE LATER

The group are in the office. Bendito searches the computer without success. Fry watches the wall of security screens.

BENDITO

Nothing yet.

LEELA

Hurry up, who knows when she’ll be back.

Leela looks around, nervous, spots Bender rifling through a filing cabinet.

LEELA

Bender, what are you doing?

BENDER

I was trying to find my warranty but all I keep coming up with are replies to letters.

LEELA

Which letters?

She walks over and picks out a letter, it’s from Alpha-Zeta, dated a hundred years ago. She finds a different one, Beta-Omega, again, a hundred years old.

LEELA

Praise to Athena. These are replies from the two planets. Mom must have sent letters to them and started the war. We could expose her totally with these. Good work, Bender.

BENDER

Even when I not trying I’m a genius.

FRY

Hey look, it’s the people we’re dressed as.

ON A SECURITY SCREEN: Mom and her sons approach the lift.

BENDER

We gotta cheese it.

LEELA

How, we’re on the top floor?

FRY

Bendito-

They turn to find Bendito has left the office already.

PENTHOUSE

Fry, Leela and Bender emerge from the office to find Bendito slowly opening one of the windows. He turns, caught.

BENDITO

Oh, hi.

(pause)

So I can explain.

MOM (O.S)

Can you?

Exiting the lift are Mom, Larry, Igner and Walt.

MOM

(to Leela)

Well, well, it’s like looking in an ugly, one eyed mirror.

BENDITO

(taking offence)

How dare you.

MOM

Quiet, Bendito.

LEELA

It’s over Mom. We found the letters.

MOM

So I started a war so each side would buy equipment from me, who gives a crap? I’ve seen war start for a lot less.

(laughs)

How exactly are you going to leave with those letters anyway?

Fry, Leela and Bender look to one another, they have no idea. Leela catches Bendito edging towards the open window, spots his escape plan, a good old fashioned rope.

LEELA

I think the real question is. How are you going to catch us?

Leela rushes Fry and Bender to the window, together with a late reacting Bendito they grab the rope and begin to slide down it.

CUT BETWEEN PENTHOUSE AND EXT. MOM CORP.

Everyone is sliding down the rope at pace, but the building is huge, there not even a quarter way down.

FRY

(getting rope burn)

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Mom looks down from the window at them.

MOM

Idiots.

She unties the rope. It slackens.

LEELA

Um, guys.

Everyone looks as the rope passes them by.

FRY

That’s bad, right?

Everyone bar Leela starts screaming, she has to think fast.

LEELA

Everyone grab on to my legs.

They do. Leela slips through the Mom dress, still wearing her normal clothes beneath, and grabs the bottom of each side of it. It catches the air and becomes a makeshift parachute.

Mom stares at them as they float away.

MOM

What the crap? I didn’t know I could do that?

EXT. SKY – CONTINUOUS

Leela is barely clinging on to the dress, she’s being weighed down too much, it’s starting to affect the altitude.

LEELA

We’re too heavy.

FRY

(offended)

What are you trying to say?

BENDER

Wait, I have an idea.

Bender spots the roof of a building coming up. He kicks Bendito off of Leela’s leg. He drops.

BENDITO

(falling)

See you Thursday.

Bendito lands with a thud on the roof. The gang laugh as they begin to gain altitude.

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS – DAY

We whip around the building.

INT. LOUNGE, PLANET EXPRESS – SAME TIME

The whole crew sit around watching the news on TV.

MORBO

Mom stock took a dip today as letters emerged showing her to have set the war between Alpha-Zeta and Beta-Omega in motion almost a hundred years ago. However Mom stock trebled in value just hours later when war broke out between Sigma-Epsilon and Kappa-Tau.

Leela turns off the TV, disgusted.

LEELA

Typical, we stop one war just to cause another.

FRY

But at least it’s not the same war, right?

BENDER

The important thing is it’s not happening here.

FRY

Amen.

LEELA

Ugh.

CUT TO CREDITS

#Futurama #Not tall or wide

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