#I was just gonna make Tool be in pain but then i saw that ECT triggers little mini SEIZURES

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

Disobey - Tool

Hallo! Thank you to those of you who told me to get off my ass and write something. And thanks anon! for the inspo! 

Anonymous said:  (For the command thing) Tool ► disobey the Mechanic once

[Masterlist] 

CW: punishment, ECT/electroshock therapy, restraints, seizure, blink and you’ll miss it implied triggering. 

(Also just a disclaimer but y’all are smart Cookies. ECT is an actual medical procedure and not a punishment. The Mechanic is just an asshole and doing it incorrectly on purpose.) 

The Mechanic smiled at his colleague, swirling the liquor in his glass. 

“Tool,” he called casually, deeply enjoying showing off his assistant in front of another. “Bring the bottle.” 

Tool stood next to the bar, at the far end of the room. They didn’t move. The Mechanic shifted in his armchair, craning his next to glance their way. They didn’t see it - their eyes were drilled into the thick carpet. 

Why. Why. Why - why am I like this? Why do I do what he says? 

No. 

“No.” 

The Mechanic snapped his head in their direction, eyes furious. Unbelievably, his assistant lifted their eyes to meet his. 

One would think the man’s teeth would have snapped under the pressure of his clenched jaws. That look was back in his assistant’s eyes. The one from the first day after they had been brought to the manor, the look that had stayed up until their first night in the Machine. 

He hated it more than anything. 

With a bristle, the Mechanic turned to his guest. “Apologies, I don’t know what on earth got into him tonight.” The other man smirked, taking a long drink. 

“No worries. In fact, I would love seeing the Machine in action firsthand.” 

Tool’s already pale face seemed to lose all color, swaying slightly. That. That was why he obeyed. Why he kept silent and submissive and relinquished all control to this man. That was the hell from his nightmares, ones that still came every night. 

How could he have forgotten that he lived next to his own personal hell. 

Before he could open his mouth, before his mind could even try to pull the reigns of his panic to form a response, the Mechanic waved his hand and finished his drink. 

“Tragically, can’t risk it so soon. Had some internal bruising after the last time and that needs to heal ever so slightly more.” 

The other man looked disappointed, but Tool was overcome with relief. Not tonight, not today. Bits of time added to the hourglass, slowly draining away until the next time. He wasn’t so naive to believe that it would never happen again.

“However,” the Mechanic said, his standing prompting his guest to down his drink and stand as well. “There are multiple forms of correction on hand.” 

The pair walked to the door and the Mechanic paused, motioning for Tool to follow only once. Tool swallowed, knowing full well this was their only chance to not make the punishment even worse. So they followed. 

The Mechanic led them all to his office. The guest marveled at the screen and readouts, skimming over the data uncomprehendingly. 

“Tool - the table.” 

Tool moved to obey automatically, cold seeping into his bones. This was the workshop, the Mechanic’s office - easily the second most dangerous room in the manor. 

Easily, Tool opened the hollow cabinet and unfolded the exam table down. Usually it was hidden away, unnecessary and simply filling up space. But there were always tests, always small examinations and experiments that the Mechanic needed it for, so it was always in the room. Always available at a moment’s notice. 

It was padded lightly, restraints hanging loose and haunting. Even as simple strips of leather and rivets, no one could mistake them as harmless or innocent. 

“Tilt it up to 30 degrees and get on your back.” 

Tool paused a moment to let a violent shiver run down his spine. When it was finished, he completed the order and apprehensively laid back. The feeling of the fake leather was already enough to make his skin crawl, to make his tense and joints lock up. It was like the texture could freeze him, trap him there catatonic. 

The Mechanic hummed in approval and stepped over to tighten the restraints. Straps over thin wrists and ankles, across scrawny legs and chest. He left the forehead strap undone for now, but it wouldn’t stay that way. 

“I gotta say, he’s much more behaved now. Wonder what it was that made him stop out there?” 

“No way of knowing. Humans are fickle, complex things. And I would never deny that they are in fact human,” the Mechanic mused as he set a small box on the side tray and peeled back the connector stickers. Tool whimpered softly, remembering the last time he had been punished this way. Before the Machine, before anything, really. 

The guest watched, fascinated as the Mechanic pushed back Tool’s auburn bangs and stuck two connectors on his forehead. “You doing electroshock?” 

“Electroconvulsive therapy,” the older man corrected, slipping a mouthguard between Tool’s teeth. “That’s an outdated term, muddied by horror movies and tales of medical malpractice. Electroconvulsive therapy can be incredibly effective and helpful with many conditions.” He smirked and looked down at his assistant, soaking in their trembling and quick pants through their nose. “Perfectly safe under the watchful eye of a licensed physician, isn’t it?” 

“Are you a licensed physician?” The guest snorted. The Mechanic grinned wildly as he leaned back over to the box. 

“No, I am not.” 

~

The latest round of shocks ended and left Tool panting, writhing against the restraints. He was making a wounded, warbling sound as he laid there limply. He was jittery as if he was in the depth of anxiety, muscles burning and aching. His jaw, his neck, even down into his shoulder burned and pulled. His head was pounding, breaths weak and uneven as he struggled to swallow properly. He was tired, he just wanted this to end.

Tool heard the Mechanic fiddling with something, and let out another broken whimper. No, no more; please.  

“Another round? Damn dude, how many are you gonna do?” 

“Last one. Want to make sure it sticks, so the fear stays even when they forget.” 

“Forget?” asked the guest from his chair. The Mechanic had brought it over for him earlier in the night, grabbing one for himself as well. 

Before he answered the question, he started the next cycle of shocks. Tool jolted and cried out, tense and in pain. The shock lasted no longer than a few seconds, but the seizure it triggered lasted a minute longer. It was a clashing of senses, like he was both ends of a tug of war. Every muscle was weak and loose, but spasming and jerking at the same time. It was stiffness and motion all once, pulling him into a daze and sharpening every sense simultaneously. 

When the convulsions finally went away, Tool was exhausted. They could barely move, barely remember to breathe. Information floated uselessly around them, not meaning much. Finally, they were able to catch the conversation once again. 

“-ike, not at all? Damn.” 

“No way of knowing what they may or may not remember, but there’s a good chance. Don’t worry, you’ll have an opportunity to meet them again. And maybe,” the Mechanic changed his volume, addressing Tool now, “Next time my assistant here will behave from the start.”

Tool whimpered. Yes, Yes they would behave. They would be obedient, they swore it. 

The guest laughed, standing now that the entertainment for the evening was over. “Either works for me! I enjoyed this immensely. You’ve done a fascinating thing, Nigel. I’d love to get my hands on one of my own.” 

The Mechanic smirked knowingly, something plotting in his mind. “Oh, I think that could be arranged.”   

~

tagging @unicornscotty @as-a-matter-of-whump @starnight-whump @whump-me-all-night-long @whump-it @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @valkyrie-whump @cupcakes-and-pain @whole-and-apart-and-between @misspelledwitch @fanmanga1357-blog @jo-doe-seeking-inspo @just-a-raccoon-in-a-party-hat and @thehopelessopus for tool. 

Plz let me know if you want to be added or removed from the taglist! 

#tool #tool and the machine #whump #punishment tw #restraints tw #medical whump #is this? idk just in queso #electrocution tw #did some bare bare research for this #but I've actually heard pretty good things about ECT #it's supposed to be done under anesthesia #but it's supposed to be quite helpful. #I was just gonna make Tool be in pain but then i saw that ECT triggers little mini SEIZURES #seizures tw #and I was like #HELL YEAH *grabby hands* #i love seizure whump #also haven't had one in a HOT minute (like 4-5 months) #:DD

[bisexual-horror-fan]

Sorry ask was gonna be a pain with how short of count and they took away fan mail. Feel free to screenshot if you accept this and format as you like or whatever.

To that anon I know how it feels. To feel stuck because someone needs you. I was in an toxic relationship with someone who was disabled. Someone who needed my support to go to the hospital and ect ect.

Forget them. I'm serious. Go away, be by yourself for a while, take a holiday and block them. Just because someone is disabled or ill or whatever doesn't mean you have to stay. I thought I'd be a monster for leaving my ex but it doesn't. That person's not a good person and they are just using it as another tool to control you. Your allowed to leave, you don't have to stay.

I saw a bunch of all the people above me and you might think 'oh it's not that bad' or try to defend him. No. Your lucky enough to have these lovely people to the you the red flags. I wish I could have people to tell me when something's bad.

Moving in together is a massive step in any relationship. It should be thought out and planned before. It's exciting right? But that excitement will go away. Moving in is really hard work and when you live with something everything's so much different. You are stuck with that person and they no longer put on any nice facade at all. They are going to be how they normal are but 24/7.

I was going to move in with my ex, but I had an anxiety attack about a week before and suddenly left him. Best decision of my life. I can't imagine how much worse it would be, it wasn't untul months until I finally cut him off that I sat back and relaxing and realised how to be happy. Think of yourself, when was the last time you sat back and didn't have to worry about him? Think about yourself, it's okay to be selfish. I left my ex without a place to live and a week left of his renting situation and guess what. He was fine.

If you leave, the world will continue, they will be fine. Just because they seem they need you doesn't mean they do. What I mean is, I that time will go on and they will figure it out. My first voice call from my ex was 'how could you do this to me?'. Fuck em that's why. Your more important than any person in the world. Look after yourself first.

But Afterall this. If you take one thing from everyone. Don't move in. Moving in is the beginning of the end. It's so much harder to get away once your moved in.

If you do move in please please at least keep your finances seperate. My parents of like 40 years have. Itz the healthy thing to do, do not let him convince you to have one account which he has control over because you will become co reliant on him. Don't ever let him ask you for money.

Because like me, you won't get it back. Even when he does have money. Don't ignore the red flags like I do and make excuses for them, it's okay to be in a bad spot. It happens it's a part of life. 'but he loves me.' It doesn't matter if someone loves you, they can still be bad.

Take some time to yourself, give yourself some breathing room. Go hang with a friend, never let him shame you for having friends. (Neve let him isolate you.) I'm personally bisexual so my ex could never be like 'but their a male and they wanna sleep with you.' Like if someone does that, red flag, shows they don't trust you.

Think about the situation, I was excited one day to get married to my ex. He knew that and he used that. Forget any promises. They are just that, I promised to do a 24 hour stream. Did I? No, I couldn't handle it. Does the world end? No. It's okay to let go. It's okay, you may feel like your trapped in, ask someone in your life for help. On your side, not from his life. If Therese anyone that you can go to and be like 'im in a toxic relation' please do, an old teacher, a parent. Anyone. Do it.

I might be getting off track here. Think of yourself first. Don't try to convince me or anyone else that 'oh this is what I want.' I know it's easy to fight back and insist. I say that because it doesn't matter. We can't force you to do anything. The only person who matters is you. Truely think, do you really want to be truly stuck with this person 24 / 7?

---

You all really coming through for this Anon and I love to see it honestly. And the submission is very welcome. Thank you so much for helpping out.

#submission #long post #im on mobile or else i would put a read more #BHF asks

[razorblade180]

An original story?

I finally have the time to answer the question @mrsevenplus7 asked about if I ever thought about creating an original story or world; the answer is most definitely! There’s several worlds over the years that I’ve created in my head and written things about. There’s one in particular that leans towards fantasy but still has realistic elements. (Keep in mind this concept was originally thought of when I was in middle and completely infatuated with RWBY/Final Fantasy. I’m in college now 💀) I apologize in advance for the words vomit.

Breakthrough

World building

This is a world that geographically speaking is much like ours. Rolling hills, scorching deserts, icy tundras, vast oceans, ect. Since the beginning, the make up of this world could be credited to eight elemental crystals. Fire, Water, Air, Earth, Lightning, Ice, Light, and Darkness.

Man since the beginning of their discovery of these crystals saw them as divine entities that helped them survive by giving them the potential to become stronger. It would’ve sound a bit ridiculous, if it wasn’t literally true. Around a certain age the human body gained an affinity to one of the crystals that manifested in a variety of ways. An ice user can be particularly skilled in creating objects out of the element while another used the property of snow. A fire user might envelope themselves in flames while a second user creates explosions. Even those with similar manifestations find unique ways to differentiate themselves through unique qualities of simple just being different people. It was quickly noticed the four basic elements were slightly more common than the others if only by a relatively small margin. Despite all the differences, one thing remained constant for all humans beings. An untapped potential that ran to the very essence of their power.

Many could feel this potential inside of them. These internal barriers that capped of the limits of their abilities. Some precived them as walls, while others envisioned them as chains or a fence but it was all the same. In time, people learned that with training of the body, the mind, their powers, and discovering a better idea of themselves, it was possible to overcome one barrier after another. They could break through and gain more power. This began an age of self improvement and technological advances. Knowledge was shared throughout the world. Civilizations expanded in even the most unlikely of places and it was common to mostly find people with the same affinity creating and living in places tailored for their needs.

Full blown cities that ran predominantly off of electricity. Fishing settlements and tribes that never feared the mysteries of the oceans thanks to their water control. Many other remarkable feats were achieved in the far future because of the power granted by the crystals. However, before humanity didn’t get to that glory over night. Before they reached the height of their progress they had to face the natural horrors of this world that went beyond the regular wildlife. The crystals might have given them strength, but it could also be the bane of their existence.

The elements itself had also taken the form of vast wildlife creatures that more often than not ruined what humans tried to build and seemed to have a natural aggression towards the species in general. Stallions made of earth with the power to cause tremors or mudslides as they stampede. Massive gust of winds that took the shape or large birds. Wolves that faded into shadows and stalked in the dead of night. Some “Elementals” were more difficult to dispose of then others but none could be taken lightly. A greater danger awaited once one was killed. Their bodies simply became like the element it was constructed out of and a black miasma like substance was expelled. Inhaling a small out was enough to hinder people and cause an incurable sickness that effects their powers. Inhale too much and your being would succumb and turn you into Humanoid Elemental that was devoid of any soul or the humanity they once had. All they had left was the strength they had acquired and a higher intelligence. It was one such monster that changed the course of history forever.

In universe lore

Something had happen back in the days where man was still getting the fundamentals tapping into their potential. Tales of a being in the form of a woman that had unlocked their full power spread across the globe. Not only that, but it had the power of all the elements and was laying destruction to any who barred its path. Such a tale was seen as just that, a tale. No one was ever that had the powers of each crystal. Also, such a person would surly had to have had some kind of spiritual balance if they had unlocked the end of their potential. Yet as ridiculous as it was, it soon couldn’t be ignored.

Slowly the weather became more treacherous. Stories of men, women, and children seemingly vanishing out of nowhere turned into entire villages being erased from the map. There was something out there and no one who has seen it lived to talk about it. The days themselves began to change which would bring on two more phenomena that were signaled by the moon. In the span of a month two events occurred. A blue moon that bathed the land in a light that enhanced powers for a full day. Then a red moon that did the same for the Elementals. All these strange things that could not be explained continued to raise more questions until humanity was given an answer in the form of a foe. Someone had finally lived to tell their tale. A battered man who was approaching deaths door.

He spoke about how a young woman with red eyes and ghost white hair came strolling into his village; the one closest to the wind crystal. The woman wore nothing but a worn out robe and her skin looked the color of bone. The only thing in her possession was an odd tool which would later be known as a scythe. Somehow she seemed drawn to crystal and new exactly where to go. His people forbade direct contact with it like all homelands did that were founded around it but she did not care. When warriors came to deter her, they were met with the same sight as anyone else. The look of a weeping women, then an instant death. The man didn’t see when she moved her arm but he felt the wind come off the attack before being sent flying and nearly blacking out. Barely conscious enough to see his people be slaughtered by Elementals of every type that obeyed her faithfully for she had created several before his eyes. The tale was true and terrifying. That woman continued to press on until it made contact with the wind crystal and caused the formation of a storm like no other. Not once did she ever smile. Only tears. But the man had seen something in her. An evil that ran deep and twisted as the darkest parts of humanity itself. Was this woman, this creature ever human? Or was it an Elemental that started off like this from the beginning? Stronger, faster, aware.....he asked it what it’s name was and it only said one thing. “Sin”

The man died shortly after telling the story but it had done the job it needed to, call people to action. Brave warriors everywhere rose to face this new threat and the beasts it brought along. Many of them confident in their unlocked potential to bring the being known as Sin down to its knees. Countless tried, and they failed. Hundreds upon hundreds either fell in a battle they weren’t prepared for or defending what they could. Soon all the crystals were thrown into a state of shock and the world ran rapid with extreme weather for years; humanity pushed to the brink and Sin vanished. It should’ve been the end. Until one day, one man met seven people and became legends.

This man have had enough of living in despair. Watching his people endure ever since the day he was born was painful. Being born in the tundra and granted power over ice meant weather was always an extreme to overcome from the start, but not like this. It was only possible with the help of trade from other villages which was all but destroyed. So he trained. He trained physically and mentally from the time he was a teenager until he was mid twenties like if it was his destiny to change things. Then one day he decided to finally put it to the test. The man traveled acrossd the icy landscape until he reached the coldest place near the center; the ruined homeland where the crystal still rest. Guarding it was massive and ferocious ice Elemental in the form of a snow fox. The man should’ve been dead on the spot. He was only armed with scythe as a way to tell the world that it could achieve power as boundless as Sin. Perhaps it was that belief that was the key. He slayed the beast and brought a calm to the crystal once more. It was a harrowing experience and he had partly a blue moon to think for it but he did it nonetheless. He showed the world that they weren’t gonna die so easily. And so began his journey.

The man sailed of to locate the other crystals and start putting the world back in order. Calming the crystal had brought him more understanding of his power and that brought greater strength. This brought him to a grassy plain where another who was tired of living in fear wanted to make a change and asked to join him on this quest. Despite how many times he denied this middle aged man the right to travel along, the ice warrior could not get rid of him! Days passed before they reached the wind crystal and encountered another deadly Elemental guarding it. This time it was a was a massive wind condor. The ice man thought beating it would be a simple task but he was wrong. It had nearly cost him his life if wasn’t for the older man by his side. Not only did he control wind as well, but he managed to deliver the final blow needed with the iceman’s scythe and brought another crystal to peace. He too seemed to have grown from the experience and found new strength. The two of them continued on as equals to save the world.

The power of wind meant sailing to the ruins of island of the water crystal possible without the destruction of their boat. However, they needed a proper guide of the sea and found that in a young women who also wanted to make a change. The three of them sailed of together and the beginning of a pattern started to form. It wasn’t that humanity had given up fighting, but finding those with the will and means to go on was scarce. It was hard to self improve when so much tragedy fell around you. Like the last two, an Elemental stood in their way but together they bested it and their new teammate managed to calm the crystal.

The cycle repeated. For each crystal they traveled to, someone eager and ready to join tagged along. Each time the ice warrior was wary but grew to appreciate their help. A menacing Elemental of unique form tried to kill them but never got the chance. They knew that it wasn’t just random animals either. It was always indigenous to the region and more importantly, had a sinister and potent miasma unleashed from them that was more dangerous than the regular foes they encountered. As the group slowly grew, they learned from each other. Their lives, likes, dislikes, training, skills, dreams, fears..... it was all shared. They had become friends. All of them more than capable of learning how to use a scythe in order to spread the ice warrior’s beliefs. Sometimes they faught but they would make up. The team eventually became eight strong; one for each crystal type. All that was left was light. Seven out of eight had gained exceptional strength from calming their crystal and they felt ready for anything. Not because of their individual strength, but because a new power they had discovered over the three year long journey of saving the world.

Working together, truly connecting with each other. It allowed for something that the warrior of water and darkness people believed in; they could use each other’s powers in combination with their own. The technique was difficult and way more straining than other things they had learned. Not to mention it was only possible to use one other power at a time, but done right had amazing results. Results they did not know they would need for the final Elemental. The group found themselves walking up a huge tower known as The Stairway to Heaven. It was here that the light crystal resided, but not guarded the same way as rest. No, instead it was guarded by a familiar set of blood red eyes and ghostly appearance. Sin stood in their way. It had been here the entire time. Only this time it was bathed in a brilliant holy light with seven dark pools around it. The aura it gave off was immediately recognized as whatever remained from the previous Elementals. Sin had divided its power in an effort to defend the crystal; all this time they had been fighting the being that was supposed to have vanished years ago. Now it was back at complete strength.

The group did not waver; not even the warrior of light who had still yet to awaken her power by the crystal. It was now or never. Save the world or die trying. The only thing left to do before the fight was ask why? Why had this creature throw the world into such chaos. “If you have the potential to do anything, why shouldn’t you do everything? Destroy it all and create from the ruble.” The answer was unsettling. Any person with simple morals and able to have achieved such power surly would’ve known being able to do something did not inheritly mean they should. The warriors asked what exactly was it. Human gone Elemental? An Elemental in the form of man? It simply grabbed itself and embraced the dark pools of its fallen counterparts. A range of emotions washing across its face before settling on a mournful expression. “I am the end result.”

The battle was fierce and savage. Nature itself seemed to scream as all it had to give was being used to clash with in a way, itself. Landscapes changed, wildlife ran, the battle could be seen for miles. Somehow in all the chaos the heroes managed to calm the final crystal; gaining a slight edge that slowly kept building. Sin had faced many people but none like this. It wasn’t their strength that overwhelmed it, or the eight to one odds. It was there teamwork; the bond allowed them to use each other’s abilities and perform feats like no one had seen at the time. Things that could not be learned alone. In the end, it led to Sin’s demise. A lethal blow dealt by all of them that render Sin unstable and fading, but with a catch.

“Power like mine does not fade. Sin does not fade....it festers” the miasma shot off into seven pieces once more and found its way into all the warriors except for the Ice warrior. Stricken with fear, he watched his closest friends writhe in agony as they desperately tried to hold onto their humanity as temptation at away at their soul. Wrath, Lust, Pride, Gluttony, Sloth, Envy, and Greed. Still connected through their bond, he couldn’t help but feel all the suffering inside of himself. What could he do? Was this really the end? Tears started to well up before a voice called out to him. “It’s okay...” it was the first to join his journey, the wind warrior. More called out to him. “Don’t let this be in vain.” said water

“You know what you must do...” Darkness cried out.

“Trust our bond.” Earth said calmly

“Alone we might not be strong enough.” Lightning said wary.

“Together though, we’ll stand.” Light exhaled exhausted.

“So what are you waiting for?” Fire proclaimed.

All of them gave their leader one final look of relief; satisfied with the end results as they seem more radiant than any crystal. The leader had no words. Only resolve as he took hold of his weapon and stood ready. Their eyes said all that was left to be said. “I can’t believe we did it.” He made it swift, and cut them all down in one slice. The world was finally returned to normal.

Humanity rejoiced. Finally it could once again get on track to growing strong and mighty. Many searched for the brave heroes they had to thank for this accomplishment but only found their weapons; each taken and placed by a crystal in honor of them. As for the ice warrior, he simply vanished. No one could find him. When people eventually reached the ice crystal it had his scythe mysteriously placed there with no clue how. He must’ve been alive somewhere. Legend says the man took ahold of the seven sins and placed them inside himself for the sake of the world, but he did not lose his mind. He simply wandered off. That the bond he had with the team he grew to love was beyond death and kept the sins in check within him. It also said that the man spread knowledge of the abilities his friends cultivated and is why we have them today. Now anyone who dares learn how to wield a scythe do so in the heroess’ honor and belief that unlocking one’s full potential means facing the odds with comrades.

As for the fallen heroes, they are clearly not forgotten. Some people believe their will lives on apart of the crystal and will grant strength to a select few who rise to the challenge of beating the odds.

Phew 😅

That was more tiring than I thought. That was just explaining the world and some extremely important lore but I never actually talked about the main characters, the plot, how powers work on a more conceptual level, or the setting. Maybe I’ll make a second one of these if you all really, and I mean really want more. Looking back at this I have realized something staggering. Aspects from this story have bled over into my many AU’s. I’m talking down to the idea of mental headspace and two very specific characters that I know realize somewhat live through Yujin and Tenzen; fighting wise anyways. (Personality too for Yujin which is nuts and I don’t know how to handle that. They are even blonde.)

#razor rambles #my oc’s #breakthrough #ask me stuff #fanfiction #i told you all this ran deep and im crazy

[lunewinter-journals]

12:29 AM Saturday, December 19, 2020

What's on my mind

Part 1/2

I still feel anxious, but it's more subdued. I think if I had to give love wisdom, I'd look to astrology. Since my venus is in pisces I tend to have a "rose-colored glass" view. Basically looking through the glass you wouldn't see what it actually looks like. Meaning I idealize the relationship without knowing the reality of it. I honestly hope to never get in an relationship, I didn't know how much anxiety I have to change and when I went to washington It fucked me up. I went to washington in 2018 around autumn with some ex-friends Andrew and Aoife. I met Aoife at Tricoci, a college beauty school to become a cosmologist. I wanted to do nails specifically, but cosmotology covers that. Also Andrew and Aoife were married and me and Aoife dropped out. Not gonna lie but I miss those friends, i miss the coven we were in, but If I knew I was gonna starve myself because I couldn't afford money I wouldn't have gone. Plus they're wiener dog kept shitting in ny hallway and I had to pay half of rent even though there was 3 of us AND no one drove me to work. I had to wake up at 4am to get to work at 6am because I took the bus and it had to make 3 stops to get to work. Awful. Not to mention our family cat Max legs stopped working one day at my home town and I got a facebook video chat with my sister and mom as I said my goodbyes before they put him down while I was at work crying on a toilet. During that time, I was using Discord, an app made for gaming communities, but I used it for Typology. Typology is like a "psychology" tool to get to know yourself personally (mbti, socionics, enneagram, ect.) On discord you join a server, which is like one big group chat, and I met a guy named Tyler. (I knew of Tyler before I went to Washington the first time.) I also thought I was cursed in Washington becaused my birch wand broke, my backpack was falling apart, a bunch of little things were happening a long with the big red flags. When everything was hitting the fan with my roomate ex-friends, he was there for me and that's when I fell in love. Now I think I fell in love with him because I haven't felt safe in Washington for a long time and I lived with him until it was time for me to go back to my home state. I lost my "virginity" to him (its in quotes because virginity isn't real lol) and spent Christmas with him. It was like heaven on earth. We laughed and played legend of zelda wind waker, ate pizza hut pizza (turns out we both like chicken alfredo pizza), and for the second time I thought I saw a future in Washington. Well when I got home I got a job at an escape room and started to save money to move in with him. Then he told me (around beginning of 2020 before covid) he got a ticket to see me on my birthday. When he flew over, the news of covid in America was spreading. So he was stuck at my house with me for quite some time (during that time BLM movement was gaining traction too during a pandemic, which I was just worried for the people protesting and covid rates going up.) Then we said fuck it and I moved in with him DURING A FUCKING PANDEMIC. It was the most dumbest move I ever made and it was expensive. Even worse we got on a train rather than a 4 hour flight, it was a 3 day trip of us wearing masks and praying we didn't get sick. We got lucky. The time together was fine though he really had me paranoid about covid to the point of me developing an anxiety disorder. I always had anxiety, but it wasn't this bad. Then the california fires happened and Washington air quality dropped. My chest pains began. The air quality was very poor for a week. He was paranoid that we had a n95 mask (its supposed to protect you from small dangerous particles) BUT WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW was that we weren't supposed to be wearing it indoors. I wore to sleep and I slept in the bathroom floor because I had panic attacks because of my chest pains.

I'm really glad I started this journaling thing.