#I want to mooooooove so bad

[ari-kari]

I’ve had some difficult irl experiences this past month that have really shaken my sense of self-worth - which is already getting put through the wringer as it is, with all the therapy. I was gonna vent about it here, but listing my insecurities like that made me feel like I was reinforcing The Old Ways, and I’m trying to avoid that as much as possible. so instead I’m just gonna type up some reminders for myself that are 100% true, but that I sometimes elect to forget. long-ish mental health post ahead

(also I just now realized that this will be incomprehensible to anyone who doesn’t have a basic understanding of attachment theory, but oh well. its my party and I’ll wax therapeutic if I want to)

1. It is not my fault that I have an anxious attachment style. Full stop. These thought patterns have been present since I was very young, and reside at the core of who I am. While I strive for effective communication in all of my relationships, the feelings themselves should not be moralized. I cannot help the way my brain responds to intimacy with others; it is involuntary.

2. In the same breath, attachment styles are not permanent or prescriptive. With hard work, an insecurely-attached person (yes, even me) can move towards security with time. I am not a label, nor am I permanently broken. I am a fully-developed human being.

3. Here’s a big one - I do not harbor sole responsibility for the dysfunction in my relationships, especially when I am partnered with avoidant individuals. “Protest behavior” remains unacceptable to me, and I will choose a different path for myself whenever possible. But when I am feeling “needy” in my relationships, it is because my needs are not being met - plain and simple. And - critically important - when I have dated secure individuals in the past, my symptoms have dropped to zero. My attachment system was pacified, and I was free to focus on loving my partner and myself without the daily hits to my self-esteem.

4. I am a strong, fiercely-independent human being - and this is not an empty affirmation. I have endured horrendous trauma with level-headed fortitude. I am gifted at solving complex problems without the assistance of others, and have accomplished many important things in my life despite numerous hardships. The pain I feel when my intimacy needs go unmet is NOT a reflection of my character. And even if I wish I could change this part of me sometimes, it does not single-handedly define my worth.

5. I will love the right person one day. I will find someone with whom I have the freedom to heal, and who will return my affections gladly and without hesitation. And when I do, I’ll struggle to remember why I spent so much time whittling away at myself to fit into situations that weren’t meant for me. I will be able to respect the people I once loved for who they are - while simultaneously accepting that they are not right for me, just as I am not right for them.

And finally, because it needs to be said:

6. I love myself. I think I’m really cool. And in my heart of hearts, I know I’m gonna find what I’m looking for someday. It just won’t be with them 🤷

thanks for reading <3

#the difficult experiences in question: Hot Local Singles In My Area #(jk just the one) #I want to mooooooove so bad #personal #mental health #long post

[tasedda]

Just finished The L Word gen Q 🥺 and Let me tell you. Tina you are better than me because I would’ve never forgiven Bette for cheating, I can hold grudges for a lifetime (don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing actually, sometimes it serves for the better though). but other than that. the wedding and these suits were giving rich lesbian aunties and i so much live for that!!!!! that’s all i want in the future, (i don’t even want to get married but if i do it’ll be in those exact same suits that they’re wearing) even though i do not ship Tibette that much really. i was way more here and rooting for Tasha’s comeback it was the absolute mooooooove!!! that bitch really didn’t age even a little bit huh……… she’s so gorgeous. And i absolutely love talice (let’s call them like that) bc i love how opposite they are but very complementary. i hope next time in The L word: new york we get to see their wedding maybe? Like Alice moved to new york bc she was so done with the show & everything in LA? who knows 💀 i’d be here for it !!! i really wanted to see Carmen back……….. guess it won’t happen, the writers could’ve done better because we all know she is absolutely shane’s soulmate/ultimate love. But what do i know ✋🏼 oh and also Gigi & Dani should’ve ended together i am so mad about it….well Gigi & Nat do make sense though. Like, maybe Dani & Gigi wasn’t working because they are both v independant and dom like they both have leader/strong personalities? Their energies are too similar to be working together maybe, Idk lol

#the l word generation q #the l word #thoughts #tibette

[residents-of-the-darkforest]

Development (short story)

With a thud and splatter, the younger apprentice fell to the muddy ground, groaning as Cloverpaw and the two other apprentices with her laughed.

Slatepaw stood up, shaking mud from her fur. She bristled, her fur standing on end in different places. Cloverpaw looked at her and lifted a mirthed brow. How could something so small and filthy think simply baring their teeth would make Cloverpaw go away?

“Toad-breath!” Slatepaw hissed.

“Yeah,” Cloverpaw chuckled, glancing at her companions. “From smelling you!” Mocking laughter followed. Cloverpaw raised her head proudly as she continued to gaze at Slatepaw with disdain.

Her torment wouldn’t be so bad if she had followed the older apprentice’s orders, and by not doing so, she made herself a target, and still she refused to do anything Cloverpaw wished. Foolish she-cat!

“What’s happening?” a deep voice asked. The trio whipped around to see the twos’ mentors a little ways away. “Stop messing around, we were supposed to be patrolling before Quakefur’s hunting party left, but we couldn’t find you.”

“Coming!” the pair said in unison. 

When they left, the sound of squelching mud returned Cloverpaw’s attention to Slatepaw, who was rubbing mud from the fur on her face. “You know, Cloverpaw,” she said, glaring through her, “you keep up this look of the uncaring bully, and you will grow to realize how alone you are.” 

Cloverpaw rolled her eyes, faking a yawn while turning her back on the black cat. “Whatever that means,” she mumbled before prancing away.

—------------------------------------------------------------------

“Shhh, it’s okay.” 

“No, it is not okay!” 

Slateshade’s entire body was trembling, her claws sheathing and unsheathing, tearing up her bedding. “I didn’t protect my kit. I didn’t keep her safe. She was attacked by a hawk, for Starclan’s sake! She’s traumatized!”

Cloverfox pressed against her comfortingly. “But alive.”

“Alive and terrified.” Slateshade shook her head vigorously, as though a tick stuck to her ear. “I’m a terrible mother!”

“No,” Cloverfox said firmly, placing her paw over Slateshade’s own to still it. “You were away from her for one second. It was bad luck.”

“Or was it logical? Of course a hawk would attack a kit when their mother isn’t watching the–”

“You shouldn’t have to watch her at all times!” Cloverfox tried to keep the growl out of her voice. How could Slateshade even think she was a terrible mother? The love she held for her daughter was clear the moment she first held the tiny bundle of fur in her paws. It had been a long process, passed mostly by Cloverfox comforting the queen while her older kits were in the elder’s den. “There were how many warriors in the camp? Did any of them stop it either?”

Slateshade opened her mouth to respond, but Cloverfox beat her to it. “You were the one that leaped half a tree-length to pull that hawk from the air. And you were so busy checking on Blackkit that you didn’t even notice the praise surrounding you! And,” she added, holding up a tail when, again, Slateshade opened her jaws, “you followed that kit straight to the medicine den while your Clan got to share a feast from something you caught. This is the first time you left her side in nearly a moon!”

Slateshade broke a small smile. “I feel so guilty about it. That feels silly now.”

“If you want, we can visit her now.”

Slateshade’s ears pricked, and she looked ahead. Cloverfox joined her to see their five collective kits scamper toward them, eyes bright. 

“Mooooooove! They're coming after me!” Pricklekit squealed, his tail sticking straight in the air. Flashkit, Whitekit, Reedkit, and Blackkit chased after him, their little bodies quivering in inability to keep their excitement contained.

“See?” Cloverfox asked her, quiet enough so that the nearing kits wouldn’t hear but loud enough that Slateshade would over their noise. “Five perfect, healthy little kits, and two awesome mothers.”

=======================================

--I remembered that 1) Cloverfox was once a mean girl, 2) she was Slateshade’s bully, and 3) she and Slateshade became friends while queens in the nursery (Slateshade is the mother of Blackdawn)

#slateshade #blackdawn #cloverfox #short story #wc #warriors #whitekit #blackkit #reedkit #pricklekit #flashkit #warriorcats #warriorcatsoc #wcoc #warrior cats oc #wc story #warriors short story

[thursdaysdove]

Me: (sitting down, watching a show)

Wheatley: (comes over on his rail right in front of the TV and grins at me) Hey, Author. You know what I think you should be doing right now?

Me: Watching my show. Move, please. (Scooting over to see around him)

Wheatley: (moves to block me again) Writing! More specifically, writing our story!

Me: But- But it's show time! (Moving again to see the TV)

Wheatley: (blocking me yet again) Right! You're absolutely right, it IS showtime - showtime for our story! So-

Me: Mooooooove!

Wheatley: - get -

Me: Damn it, you little shit, MOVE IT-

Wheatley: - to work!

Narrator: (comes in and turns off the TV)

Me: HEY! What gives?!

Narrator: I, for once, agree with Wheatley, Author. You should be writing.

Me: (frowning) I just want to watch my show!

Narrator: What show? Breaking Bad? You have already watched it about 80 times. Now, time to get to writing.

Me: (picks up the remote to turn the TV back on again)

Narrator: Oh for God's sake, you stubborn- (takes the remote and chucks it behind himself, where the sound of breaking glass can be heard, then comes over and grabs the back of my shirt and hauls me off the couch, dragging me into my office)

Me: Nooooo.....!

Wheatley: Ha! You sure showed her! (following behind, wiggling his handles in excitement) Yay! Story time!

#well I guess i have no choice when they force my hand like this #next chapter of TWP starting soon! #Wheatley #the narrator #the author

[attickit]

THE DAY HAS COME! THE WITCH IS VANQUISHED! SHE BURNS!

((this is me ranting about someone so you can just skip me mumbling about things. So just TLDR; Kai dumped his girlfriend, I am happy, I will never have to see her again. I DID NOT have anything to do with the breakup. Her infidelity and crappy attitude has caught up to her.))

SHE IS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE. I CAN BREATHE EASYYYYYYYYYY. KAI KNOWS THE TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTH.

IM NOT GOING TO DAY I TOLD YOU SO BUT STILLLLLLLLLLL. YOU DIDNT WANT TO LISTEN TO ME SO FUCK YOOOUUUUUUUUUUU.

now that is done, I really just got to get this out. i didnt think a human being could be this bad cause like what the heck kind of a person was she? she hooked up with kai but also was in a relationship with another person. and of all people seriously she had to do it to poor innocent kai who has never done anything wrong ((unless his supernatural ability to just destroy almost anything comes to play but come on when does that count into the sins he has committed?))

ALSO behind his back when he is not in the room she just shamelessly flirts with junsey. HE IS MY BOYFRIEND and she clearly knew that so she was legitimately out with full intention to steal my soulmate from right in front of me.

Infidelity aside, SHE CANT FUCKING GET A SIMPLE IDEA TROUGH HER HEAD THAT I AM A LEGAL ADULT. sorry but just fuck off. respect me for who i am. i can care less if you get my pronouns wrong. I admit i still look like my birth sex but fucking treat me like the age that i am. I am NOT a baby girl who should be sleeping cause it’s past her curfew of 8 o clock. Like no fuck you bitch. 

besides that hi hello but she can keep her words to herself. yes i know my looks arent A class in beauty. my face causes me some form of dysphoria to me on occasions. but you keep going on and on about how i should take care of my skin put on make up be more feminine. god how it made me hate myself all over again. it felt like year 7 of my life and god how much then had i craved the embrace of death and my constant drive to get something sharp. moooooooving ooooooooon.

just all those times that i was left alone with her in a room. i felt just every thing bad. everything ever bad that happened to me. it felt like that times two plus a message from what ever deity thats supposed to care for me saying that i was a useless waste of space in the universe.

breathe haejin. she’s gone now. she wont come back she musnt.

the witch is gone.

kai like dumped her in a fucking crowd and her face was priceless when kai said that he found out about her cheating and just dumped her. my heart just lifted. i mean i am sorry that you’re single again but then her face was just everything.

PFFFFUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. junsey just told me that kai told him that her other boyfriend had dumped her too earlier that week which is why he knows that she was cheating on her. that boyfriend contacted him.i am just screaming. karma carina caught up to her and boy did she burn.

i deserve to gloat over this. if karma carina wants to come after me I’ll just greet her with open arms cause i am used to it.

#were going out to drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #ok more of we are going to go buy drinks and come back to the studio to get wrecked #me and junsey drinking in celebration together with s.o while kai drinks with mixed feelings #rims is supervision so she is gonna be sober with a group of going to be drunk boys #i mean not me cause i hold liquour well buuuuut i am going to get myself wasted one way or another this time #personal #sorry kai really...