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voltrixz · 11 months

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Why YOU should go vote for Montana/Shocker (TSSM) in @cartoon-character-competition

Once again, this is the first time I have managed to get Shocker into a competition which once again is a crime in itself

And like before you guys might be familiar with Shocker or Montana (even if they are a bit less known then villains like Electro or Doc Ock) (especially for Montana)

You see in TSSM, Montana is Shocker, not Herman as he’s known in the comics. Montana and Herman are different people in the comics but here Montana is essentially Herman but cooler and more skilled.

Montana is your usual merc hired by the big bad guy (or the big man as they call him) that runs a lot of the crime in NY. In episode one he’s hired to defeat spiderman along with his partners and they’re known as the enforcers

(The enforcers as seen in ep 1) (From left to right: Fancy Dan, Ox and of course Montana)

and well they’re defeated of course but Montana never gets capture and manages to run off

So when does Montana get that funny pineapple patterned suit? Well in ep 4, Market Forces, Montana is seen stealing that exact funny pineapple patterned suit and handing it over to his boss before about to go on his merry way and putting on his cowboy hat again before being stopped and told to wear the suit and stop spiderman as he still owes them (visibily pissed off at being told to not wear his hat (which is silly to me) (LET HIM WEAR HIS COWBOY HAT!!!!)but grins when being told about his new assignment)

and so peter is led over to where shocker is by flint and alex (2 criminals who will become major villains later)

and well shocker does what he does best, FUCK SHIT UP!!!!!!

and whats funnier is his first line to Spiderman is “I reckon that came as a bit of a real SHOCKER eh bug” He fuckin starts off a fight with a fuckin PUN (I love him for that)(its in his subtle himbo coding) and you want to know what else? When asked who exactly Montana is by Spiderman, Montana comes up with a villain name right on the spot and well guess what he chooses? He chooses his INITAL FUCKIN PUN (still love him for that) and well he absoutely destroys spiderman and even picks him up like a wet cat

either spiderman weighs like nothing or shocker is just REALLY strong

and well Montana goes off to his bar, just to enjoy a game of 8 ball with a job well done

(hehe look at him, just enjoying a game of pool ^^ )

that is until well obviously spiderman isnt just gonna say down so Montana is stopped by his boss (cant believe he interrupted his game of pool, you cant do this to him) and he’s sent right back to fight Spiderman

and well you know how it goes, he’s defeated (SPIDERMAN LITERALLY DROPS AN ENITRE BUILDING ON THIS GUY LIKE??? OK????) but yeah off to jail ig

So what happens next is basically

- Thanks to Doc Ock and his plan to form the sinister six, he breaks out of jail and joins the sinister six by orders of his boss

- is defeated once again by Spiderman and taken to jail

- doesnt join the next formation of the sinister six sadly (crying coping tossing everything)

- however he comes back with his enforcer partners, now with his partners rocking new suits too

(as seen here) (they’re robbing a bank btw) (cute things to do with your boyfriends: rob a bank!)

- but yeah once again defeated by spiderman and all of them are tossed to jail

- seen in big jail breakout scene but sadly does not escape

- and who knows maybe we could have seen Shocker rejoin the sinister six or get up to new silly things (criminal activity) with his partners but erm

Tssm got cancelled as I mentioned before in my electro post so yeah (crying dying coping sobbing kicking everything tossing everything RAGHH)

but yeah shocker is cool as hell and gives me immense gender envy

like LOOK AT HIM!!!!

need to be him so so bad (the gender envy he gives me is INSANE)(also has made me realize hm i may be queer aroaceflux)

(he has a resting bitch face and its so silly to me) (yes im just using this as an opprtiunity to show you images of him)

sigh sigh LOVE YOU SHOCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also he is gay and polyam coded as hell!!!!!! um something something why do you work in such a man dominated field? Do you want to be dominated by men? And also um that one thing of “detectives will always go: here’s my partner. erm ok???? 🏳️‍🌈???? but its just “mercs will always go: here’s my partner(s) like ok???🏳️‍🌈??? (not kidding he almost always refers to dan and ox as his partners and also just look at him, he is THE gay cowboy merc ever

but yeah LOVE YOU SHOCKER!!!! THE GAY COWBOY MERC/VILLAIN EVER!!!!!!!!! GO VOTE FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!

#sorry this is like really late i got distracted a lot #tssm #tssm shocker #tssm montana #the spectacular spiderman #the spectacular spider man #spectacular spider man #spectacular spiderman #ignore any spelling and grammaer mistakes its like late for me and oops!!

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the-lavender-room · 1 day

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My tssm opinions/hot takes/ whatever you calls these

1) despite Liz being my favorite “canon” Love interest, I did not care when they broke up..

(I’m not a big fan of “high school Romance” trope or the “bully character falls in love with the victim after being told to fuck off/was stood up to” trope.

Also I kinda just didn’t like Liz at first (she grew on me late) which is the only reason I don’t want to rewatch the Electro episode again.🫤

Also after Flash broke up with her (after she going for Peter the same KIND of way Peter did to Gwen with her💀) and they were still friends. I would have given it about half a season before she’s trying to at least be friends with Peter again.

2) I didn’t care when Harry manipulated Gwen (not saying it’s right)

A bit hard for me to feel bad when the only reason she dated Harry in the first place was because she couldn’t be with Peter.

She was also kinda hypocritical (especially the “not gonna be your second choice” thing)

I kinda feel like her character became mostly just “love interest” when the love corner (bc that was NOT a goddamn triangle💀) thing started. (Shows falt, not hers)

3) Ock was manipulating Electro (the abused becomes the abuser)

Think it’s pretty clear that Ock mainly kept him because (A) he’s powerful and (B) he’s a walking generator he can use to power his arms and machinery. (That was literally the first thing he does for him in person.

Also he straight up left him to die💀

I wouldn’t be surprised if a later season would have revealed that Ock was activity keeping him from being cured.

4) I don’t think Harry would have become the goblin immediately

I feel like what would start out as mostly internalize resentment for Spider-Man, would develop into pure hatred over the course of season 3. With Harry becoming the Green Goblin in season 4.

Also we were supposed to get hobgoblin in season 3 and I don’t think they would double up on new goblins.

5) between the two of them; the symbiote was the toxic one, not Peter

It latches onto him, doesn’t let go, emotionally manipulates him, physically manipulates him, drives him away from his friends, says that all he needs is them, threatens him. Peter does what he can to get it off of him and he’s the toxic one? Ok.

6) Blackcat made me incredibly uncomfortable.

Especially because the only information I could find on her age said saw was an adult 💀

That’s all for now

#not art #tssm #the spectacular spider man #I’m not tagging anyone #also I’m calling hypocrisy to anyone who hates Harry for what he did to Gwen who also ships electro and Ock #I probably have more that I can’t think of right now #remember #characters are allowed to have flaws #there are VERY few characters in fandoms I actively Hate #I watched this show autism first

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spider-xan · 3 months

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Anyway, returning to Spider-Man posting, I couldn't bring myself to actually watch the Lizard episode of MSM2017, so I just watched a clip, and kfjdjjdygf it was so bad? Other than being a version of Connors I can't be assed to give a shit about, there is actually a scene where the Lizard flattens himself like a pancake and slides across the street into a sewer gate to escape lol

Also, I love Josh Keaton's Peter in TSSM and his Electro in Insomniac Spider-Man, and he's a great voice actor, but his Norman Osborn was completely flat and generic? And the show's version of Doc Ock is the worst one? Like, why is he a teenager, why is he vaguely British, why are his arms beige, why is he such an annoying doofus written like a stereotypical nerd, why does it look so ridiculous for him to be a teenager next to a Norman who is still an old man in his fifties, etc.??

#xan's spidey meta

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loopy777 · 2 years

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I'm looking forward at any point for more radio play crossovers even with their non-canon status. Kind of a 3 part series of posta: Fun bit. The 4th and currently final one (Musicology 101) actually has a Canon variation with the prequel comic to Young Justice Outsiders. A major divergence is Psimon being caught by Professor X which Spidey questions as the X-Men never appeared in any of Weisman's works.

Greg Weisman retorts mentioning in past discussions that had other Marvel Heroes been allowed in TSSM there would have been an episode with Professor X, Cyclops and Beast. Spider-Man doesn't care for the technicality and Greg states that the web head could always be excused from further crossovers. XD

Today I learned there are non-canon Greg Weisman crossover radio plays.

WELL.

I guess I know what I'm doing with my week off.

Continued:

Yeah very moot, but Weisman has worked out the status of other Marvel Heroes for the entirety of TSSM's run. The Fantastic Four are active & public albeit occupied with Cosmic Threats. Ant-Man is active but unknown. The X-Men haven't been formed, but Scott Summers & Hank McCoy have enrolled in Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters. The Hulk is a myth like Big Foot. Captain America is still in an iceberg. Tony Stark & Don Blake have yet to take their trips leading to tehm becoming IM/Thor.

That's cool. I like when Spidey is part of the 'first generation' of Marvel heroes, despite his youth. It allows him to grow into a "Been There, Seen Everything" kind of superhero, and I love the dynamic that creates when other heroes are confused how this jokey small-timer knows more people then them and has encountered bigger threats.

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namimikan · 2 years

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i think what i love so much about the venom arc in particular in tssm is just. seeing it play out in four episodes, how peter gets used to it, how pete has a downward spiral of his own teen angst (not being there for aunt may because he was off being spiderman) but also how venom makes peter vulnerable to the darker impulses and negative thinking and thriving on that. pete does act out, and yes, some of that is due to the symbiote, but it’s also easy to imagine that a teen would push people away, and flash giving him a wake up call is so? shocking? but exactly what peter needs in that moment to figure... he’s not quite himself.

and that’s why, introducing ben parker so late in the game, as a reason to shield peter, to remind him of how wonderful he is without the symbiote, really hits it home and seeing him, you still get that amazing and emotional impact of the heart, because characters have missed ben parker, in photos, in conversations, so when you see his memory it means something, when he says WGPCGR, it means something

but also just the fallout of eddie brock, and his increasing hatred and frustration of peter parker/spiderman, and to unite with venom, with matched contempt and realize that it’s been peter parker all along? fantastic.

#onion sprouting text #you can say it's rushed here and there but like on the whole? it makes sense in a fairly plausible way #like melodrama does work for this reason and if people are a little quick to anger you can also argue that people lose their heads sometimes

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stickytablet · 7 years

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Reunion

I’m a self indulgent shmuck who decided to write a longer-than-normal TSSM Poly Sandman/Rhino/Reader with an established relationship set in the episode Group Therapy.

Enjoy.

“-Sandman and Rhino, you’ll enter first, at which point Shocker, you’ll-” Doctor Octopus continued to talk about who would go where and what everyone would do upon the arrival of the Web-Head, taking sips of dearly missed decent coffee every few minutes.

The Sandman lent over to whisper in the ear of his partner as the Doc droned on. “Hey, O’Hirn, we should probably call them or somethin’, right? Like, let them know we’re back.”

“Yeah, probably should.”

“Then if we’re all in agreement,” the Doc raised his voice, catching their attention, “We shall make our way to Times Square. It would be a shame to keep Spider-man waiting.” The Six rose and began to make their way to the small bus that resided in the center of the warehouse. Sandman and Rhino made quick work of catching up to the Doctor.

“Hey, Doc?”

“Yes, Sandman?”

“Well, me n’ Rhino here have a call to make ‘for we go.”

Octavius released a sigh at the inconvenience but pointed a metal claw in the direction of the warehouse’s landline phone. “Be quick about it.”

You never really enjoyed waiting tables, but it did pay your bills. Or, at least, what bills you could afford to pay. So, you welcomed the distraction when your phone lit up with an unknown number during your break.

“Hello, this is (y/n).”

“Guess who’s back, babe?” You could recognize that voice anywhere. The pencil you had been twirling in your fingers fell to the ground.

“Flint, oh my god is that you?!” You could feel your heart in your throat. Ryker’s refused you visitation time, calls, or mail, citing each as a threat to security. To hear his voice again was an answer to your prayers.

“The one and only!” His smugness had you laughing through tears of joy and you could hear Alex’s booming voice in the background demanding to be put on. “Listen, babe, we can’t talk long and Alex wants to talk to ya, too. I love you.”

You smiled fondly at the reverence with which he said those three little words, knowing he must have missed you just as much as you missed them. “I’ve missed you. I love you, too, Sunshine.”

You could hear the phone being shuffled around before a deeper voice filled the line.

“I missed you. So much.”

You sniffled a bit before replying, “I missed you, too.”

“…Are you crying?” He seemed genuinely confused about it.

“I’m just so happy to hear your voices again. I love you both so much. Are you okay?” You could hear something high pitched on the other end and Flint telling him to hurry it up. “What’s going on?”

“Sorry, gotta go. We’ll call you later, ‘kay? Love you, моя́ сла́дкая.”

“I love you, too, hun, but wher-” The call ended abruptly. You were left listening to the low beeps as you processed the rushed conversation.

The next call came much later, at 8 PM.

“Yes? This is (y/n).”

“Hey, baby, it’s Alex. Listen, we need a hostage.”

“…You want me to be your hostage?”

“Nothin’ bad ‘s gonna happen! I just figured this would be a good way to get to see you.”

You let a moment of silence pass before you sighed. “Where do you guys need me?”

“…HEY ELECTRO! WHAT PLACE ARE WE HOLDIN’ UP?” You had to pull the phone away for a second, a smile slipping onto your face at his boisterousness. “It’s the Metro Bank in about thirty minutes.”

“And you can promise I’m not going to get like, accidentally shot at or anything? I mean, I trust you and Flint but I’ve never met your…friends? Acquaintances? Associates in Spider bashing?”

“Promise. If they even think about thinkin’ about it, I’ll smash ‘em myself.”

“Thank you, babe. Well, I guess I’ve got some checks to cash. I’ll be there as soon as I can; I love you, stay safe.”

“Love you too, baby. See ya soon.”

You had been waiting outside of the bank for a while when you noticed something through the front windows. Sand was spilling down from the high ceiling and piling onto the floor, shifting into a human shape before it took on the appearance of your boyfriend. You were so caught up in seeing him again that you didn’t notice the approaching Montanan until you felt the gauntlet on your back.

“You’re O’Hirn and Marko’s darlin’?”

“Yes? Wh-”

“Why ain’t you inside?”

“…The bank’s closed on Saturday. Does that glove have a safety switch or something?”

“Don’t worry, I ain’t gonna hurt you none. We just need to make this look believable.” His words did little to ease your tense posture and you began to wonder where Flint had disappeared to. He soon emerged from out of the back room and, noticing you, quickly made his way to open the front door. The man behind you grabbed your arm.

“Babe!” Flint’s smile spread wider and grew brighter now that you were just in front of him. “God, it’s been fore-”

“Ah! Reunions later, get inside.” The Montanan dragged you into the bank, pushing past a disgruntled Sandman. “You took care of them cameras?”

“Yes, will you let g-”

“Alarms?”

“Duh, now let the-”

“Mics?”

“Will you just let my partner go?!”

They stared each other down for a second before Shocker relented and wandered off to the bank vaults, cussing under his breath about unprofessionalism and amateur hour.

There was a quiet moment, neither of you quite sure what to say, but your happiness at seeing him just couldn’t be contained. You quickly closed the short distance between you and leapt into his arms, pure joy radiating from your laughter. Flint chuckled at your enthusiasm and used your momentum to spin you around.

“You miss me?” he said with a knowing smirk, mirth lacing his voice.

“So much I won’t even comment on how different you feel.” It was true; despite how tightly he tried to pack himself or how smooth he tried to make himself, you could still feel some granules rub off from where you held him and his “skin” seemed rougher, almost like a cat’s tongue. Regardless, you buried your head into the crook of his neck, eyes falling shut as you tried to memorize every little detail of this moment. God, you missed being wrapped up in his hold. You stayed like that for what felt like hours, quietly mumbling into each other’s skin.

“Babe,” he said softly, gently nudging you. You hummed in reply. “Babe. Look at me.”

You were hesitant to change your rather comfortable position, but complied. His eyes were half lidded and he wore the softest smile you’d ever seen on him. He moved a hand from your back to cup your face, gently stroking your cheek. Wait, was your cheek wet? Shit, you didn’t even know that you’d been crying. You quickly swiped the tears from your other eye with the back of your hand, wiping it off on your clothes before you moved to his face, brushing over his pronounced cheekbones with a thumb and leaning in to give him a kiss. It certainly felt…odd, but not nearly as bad as it could have been. Pulling away, you rested your forehead against his.

“I’m afraid that if I let go,” you whispered as softly as you could, “You’re going to disappear and I’ll never be able to see you again.”

“No no no,” he gently chided, “That’s not gonna… It’s gonna be okay, sugar. Those cops aren’t gonna be locking me or Alex up anytime so-”

“Are you two done yet?”

“Wow, can you ruin a moment or what.”

Shocker leaned against the wall, two bags of cash richer and now in possession of one of Sandman’s famous deadpans.

“I told Rhino they was here, so he’ll prolly be runnin’ in any minute, but we still gotta make the call to lure in the bug. A hostage is about as useful as tits on a boar hog if no one knows about em.”

“…I’m not entirely sure that’s an actual thing people say but…ok?” He reluctantly put you down, took your hand, and followed Shocker into the back room.

The Enforcer removed the phone from off the wall, dialed three little numbers, and handed the phone off to you. “You’re in a hostage situation with other people and we’re demanding $7,000 ransom.”

“Hello, this is 911, please state your emergency.”

“M-my name is (y/n), I’m at the Metro Bank on 53rd. We’re being held h-hostage by those uh escaped convicts.”

“Ma’am, who’s we?”

“Me and…uh…about five other people…oh god.” The sound of glass shattering and a yelp of surprise on your part filled the line. The operator could make out a rather loud order for someone to stay quiet.

“Ma’am, are you ok? What happened?”

“Ummmm…” Looking out of the doorway, you could see that it was Rhino who had busted through the glass doors. Flint stood nearby, an unnaturally large and off-color hand placed over his boyfriend’s mouth in an effort to shush him.

“Ma’am, what happened?” You gave a desperate look to Montana, at a loss on what to say that would be believable and really just wanting to see your other boyfriend. He rolled his eyes in exasperation and snatched the phone from your hand, waving you out into the main lobby.

“The same thing that’ll happen in an hour if’n y’all don’t bring us a good seven thousand. Been a good chat here, Ma’am, take care.”

You walked tentatively out of the backroom, waiting to hear the click of the phone’s switch before you rushed forward to see your boyfriends.

“Alex!” You couldn’t wait any longer to get back into his arms; he always gave the biggest bear hugs, even if they were few and far between. But when you wrapped your arms around his waist (succeeding in getting about half way around him) and let your head rest against the armor that covered his familiar chest, you noticed a distinct element missing: him hugging back. Looking back up, you saw his arms awkwardly dangling away from his sides and gave him a questioning look.

“осторо́жно, ми́лая! I don’t do too good with hugs no more.”

Smiling, you took a half step back to get a better look at him, resting your hands on his abdomen (you never had been able to rest your hands against his chest when he stood up straight, he was just so damn big). “Oh my god,” you let out with a chuckle, “Did you grow a few inches or what! This is just unfair, it was hard enough already to get a proper kiss and now I’m gonna need to stand on a box!” You stretched yourself up as you joked, motioning for him to lean down and meet you half way. Your hands made their way onto his shoulders as he bent down, one sliding towards the back of his thick neck to bring him in for that “proper kiss” (you had to twist your head to avoid getting hit by his horn). As the kiss furthered, you could feel Alex start to gently stroke your hair, having either gained confidence in his ability to control his new strength or just really, REALLY wanting to touch his partner. Probably the latter. He started to drift upwards, his hunched pose too uncomfortable to hold, your lips parting for a second before he swept you up with him on one of his arms. You were almost surprised by how easily he lifted you, but then again, he would straight up bench press you without breaking a sweat, so with super strength you probably only seemed like a pile of grapes. It wasn’t much later that you were forced apart for air, the sound of heavy breathing broken by a Brooklyn accent.

“Hey, now I’m not complaining about the show, but we didn’t kiss for that long,” Flint teased, trying to hold it over his partners’ heads in an effort to win some more smooches.

“Hehe, yeah, cause no one wants a mouth fulla sand.”

“You didn’t seem to mind it.”

Alex swallowed at that, probably remembering how he had to chew on left over sand for a solid hour afterwards. And how he didn’t regret it in the slightest.

“Aw, Sunshine,” you cooed, motioning Flint to join you, “Here, I’m happy to give you another smooch. Hell, I’ll give you a hundred!” You were quick to scoop up his face in your hands, peppering him with little kisses and ending with a big silly smooch on the mouth. You let out a giggly squeal as you were unexpectedly set down, Alex now moving to embrace his boyfriend.

“My turn,” he said as he leaned in. He let out a surprised sound when Flint pulled him in the rest of the way, muffled by his boyfriend’s lips; Alex melted into the kiss, Flint eagerly taking control. Your heart swelled at the sight, loving how much your boys loved each other.

“Y’aint done yet?!” Alex bit sharply into (and through, as Flint lost some composure at the sudden interruption) Flint’s bottom lip. “Listen, the bug’s gonna be here any second now. Y’all’ll have all the time in the world to rodeo around after the bug’s been squashed. Now I suggest you get out to your places befo-”

“He’s back, boys!”

Sandman quickly broke free of his boyfriend to give you one last forehead kiss before he left to go take on the web head. “Don’t worry, babe!” he called out as he flew out the door in his granulated form, “We’ll be back in no time! Love you!”

“I love you, too, Sunshine!” Your voice was weaker than you wanted it to be, worry beginning to weave its way through you. What if they got hurt? What if they got captured, sent back to Ryker’s? Spider-man wasn’t known for killing anyone but what if…? What if the cops came after you for collaboration and assisting? What if you couldn’t see them again? That’s all you wanted for weeks, to see them, to be together again, to have them home.

Rhino was about to follow his partner out into the fray, figuring he didn’t need to say goodbye because you’d all be together again in thirty minutes, when he felt a gentle tug on his hand. Turning, he found you pressing a chaste kiss into his right palm, tears threatening to spill.

“Promise me you’ll both come back to me? It’s been horrible without you home.”

His heart broke at the sight before it swelled with rage at the root of your concern.

“Promise.” He pulled his hand away, beginning to charge. “And I promise to knock that skinny lil creep out cold fer makin’ you stress like this!” He emphasized his statement by punching a flying Spidey square in the face, sending him soaring.

You sat yourself down against the wall, working to calm your nerves. Of course your partners would make it out okay. Sure, they were beaten individually, but there were six of them now, all working together. There was no way Spider-man could take down all six of them.

…Right?

#tssm imagines #flint marko #sandman #alex o'hirn #rhino #alexander o'hirn #tssm #tssma #the spectacular spider-man #spectacular spider-man #poly relationship #reader insert

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casualarsonist · 7 years

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Parental Guidance: The Spongebob Squarepants Movie

The Spongebob Squarepants Movie is, as the Irish would say, ‘gas’ - crazy, and depending on the circumstances, a positive or a negative thing (much the same as ‘cunt’ in Australian vernacular). Similarly, it stands that TSSM is either hilarious or annoying depending on what you like and how you feel. But regardless of which side of the fence it falls on, the fact remains that TSSM is, and always will be, a solid kid’s film.

If you’ve seen the SS cartoon (feels a bit weird writing SS but let’s move on), then you’ll already know a lot about the film without having to watch it. Born of a fever dream and with the energy of a schizophrenic five year old, the show sometimes drifts off into absolute incomprehensible madness, and it’s clear that there’s only so far you can take a plot relating to an anthropomorphic sponge and his undersea friends before you fall over a cliff into a chasm of insanity. Thankfully, the movie pulls back on the crazy, and whilst there’s enough irreverence to keep it feeling unpredictable and surprising, it’s not as much of a slog to get through the film as it is the average TV episode.

It’s the opening of the Krusty Krab 2 - the second location of the most popular burger joint in the undersea city of Bikini Bottom, and Spongebob (Tom Kenny) is certain that he’s going to be appointed manager. Unfortunately for him, his boss, Mr Krabs (Clancy Brown), doesn’t think he’s mature enough for the job, and awards the position to his neighbour and co-worker, the cynical and irritable Squidward Tentacles. Spongebob slides into depression, but it just so happens that Krabs’ rival, Plankton (the incredible Mr. Lawrence) has stolen King Neptune’s (Jeffrey Tambor) crown, and framed Krabs for the deed, and it’s up to Spongebob and his dumb-as-fuck starfish friend Patrick (Bill Faggerbakke) to venture far away and retrieve it, proving to everyone that they’re man enough for the job. They get in and out of trouble pursued relentlessly by Plankton’s hitman Dennis (Alec Baldwin), and meet a bunch of hilarious characters along the way, and though you’re never quite sure where things are going to go next, the story remains coherent. There’s a distinct progression that culminates in Spongebob and Patrick leaving the ocean in a fantastic animation-and-live-action sequence, then David Hasselhoff appears as himself and, fuck man, what else is there to say? It’s batshit, but masterful batshit, with enough colour and energy to entertain the smallest kids, whilst remaining funny and coherent enough to keep adults watching (if you don’t think too hard about how people can sweat and start fires under the sea). If you grew up watching Ren and Stimpy, or Rocko’s Modern Life, you should immediately recognise the style of obnoxious, juvenile comedy in this movie, and appreciate the madness while you’re at it.

And amongst all this talk of madness, let’s not forget that TSSM isn’t without heart either - at its core, TSSM is something of an ‘uncoming-of-age’ story in the sense that it teaches that you can be a child at heart and yet still have the strength and resolve to conquer life’s hardships; you don’t have to be manly to be a ‘man’, you just have to be brave and determined enough to get shit done.

While there are few distinct flaws to label, the most glaring would be Scarlett Johansson’s performance as Neptune’s daughter, Princess Mindy. She’s not bad per se, but in much the same fashion as James McAvoy and Emily Blunt in the previously-reviewed Gnomeo & Juliet - she’s trying to fit in with her surroundings, but just not quite making it work in some kind of frustratingly intangible way, which is surprising given that her best performance in any film she’s ever been in was ‘Her’, which was in itself a voice role. Here, however...I don’t know...she’s sweet, and kind, and gentle, and she’s clearly reading her lines from a piece of paper. Kenny, Lawrence, Brown, Tambor, and even Alec Baldwin all give impeccable performances that fit snuggly into the world, but there’s just something a little passionless about Johansson that sticks out amongst the others.

I’d like to say more than I feel I can, because the truth is that outside of your own personal preferences, this movie is a solid creation that will age slowly. At the risk of repeating myself, it’s appropriate for a huge age range, well-animated and acted, and with a timeless story. If you don’t find Spongebob funny, then it will likely grate on you, but if you’re a fan of the style then on the whole there’s not a lot to criticise.

Laughs: 8

How funny you find this will depend heavily on your sense of humour, but I have laughed out loud at this movie for 10 years of my adult life. There’s a certain charm in its jokes a well, particularly during the live-action sequences, that never dies.

Visuals: 7

It’s the same old Spongebob that you know and love. Being a cartoon, the visuals haven’t aged a day, though the level of detail is generally rather low. The live action sequences are gorgeous and charming.

Performances: 8

Again, the same old Spongebob - the regular cast give great performances, and the guest stars are all wonderful, with the exception of Scarlett Johansson, who just doesn’t quite sound like she belongs.

Plot: 7

A simple but well-told coming-of-age story. There’s a lot of positive messages here, and they all feel well-motivated.

Obnoxiousness: 7

I’m not gonna lie, the series as a whole can be fucking grating. This movie is no different and Spongebob and Patrick are not the kind of characters you want to listen to while nursing a hangover. It’s all in good fun though, and the comedy within the insanity can mitigate some of the annoyance.

Timelessness: 7

I’ve watched this film regularly for nearly 10 years now and it’s remained relatively entertaining and humorous throughout. Its Ren and Stimpy-lite style is fun for both younger and older viewers, although it is quite juvenile in many ways, a fact that has become more obvious to me as time has gone on. Visually however, it’ll maintain its quality forever.

Hardcore Rating: 3

Very light, but with some cartoon violence. Alec Baldwin’s character is the closest thing to something scary. The ‘death’ of Spongebob and Patrick is surprisingly sad, but it doesn’t last. Motorhead is in the soundtrack, but that’ll likely just turn your kid into a badass.

Overall: 8/10

There are some that might find The Spongebob Squarepants Movie insufferable, but generally speaking it’s quite funny and well-acted, and remains so even with the passage of time. Maybe you’ll want to throw it out a window when you’re 40, but until then, you and your kids should be able to find value in it for a long time.

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