#I remember I was like 16 or smth. and I fucked this girl

[rowanhoney]

Rich in skins reminds me so much of an old friend I almost forgot about

#start of his ep in volume 6 he’s playing bass in a band w alo #and I’m like !!!!!! just like Jonás!!!! #my first bassist crush when I was like 14. not long after I’d become obsessed with Jenny lee lindberg #but also his face rly reminds me of someone and I couldn’t figure out who and yah it’s Joanie:))) #we lost touch so long ago. he looked a bit of a fucking mess #I remember I was like 16 or smth. and I fucked this girl #but I found her rly weird and annoying. sorry Sophia. and she used to follow me around etc #and I’d accidentally left jewellery and my watch at hers #and I remember Jonas being like yah I’ll just say I’m your boyf and go with u and she’ll back off #but before he could he was actually like nvm I’m fucking off to go back to Germany #went to uni at Bauhaus tho good for him #also I don’t think she’d have given a shit cos I found out later she actually did have a boyfriend rip him #so sad joanie was like. one of the few people who got it #cos we met at like 1am at alipali and hung out for a few hrs #because we both came from weird hippie households #and he just. got it. the whole having weird parents thing and how shit it can be #how did I forget abt that crush or that he even existed omg #based on a lot I remember it being mutual too wth #wow apparently all I remembered from my teen years was the girl trauma. #and the bs with steffen. so glad we r close now #and partying with the waterpolo boys #actually the waterpolo team all sucked so bad from what I recall #not the point. rich reminds me of Jonas. and there’s a fondness

[lizzieisright]

hey hurt/comfort idea:

soo what about the reader and abby being best friends for years and reader always had a crush on abby. they go to a party and abby introduces her new gf to u. she always liked her but thought reader didn’t (always a bit horny around reader, but they know eachother since childhood so abby mistakes readers flirting as being flirty like friends) so reader gets absolutely hartbroken, drinks till she passes out but abby takes care of her ofc. abbys gf is always with her tho so it just hurts even more.

she avoids abby till the next frat prty or smth (maybe it’s college!au) and then they hook up, abby can’t remember cause she’s too drunk and is back w her gf

very messy but i hope u get the idea :P

(also to make it more hurtful make abby mean while she’s drunk bc she’s going through a rough time but isn’t telling anyone)

It took me so long, I'm so sorry

Palestine: what can you do

I've changed a few things (they don't hook up) because I can't deal with cheating, and I couldn't decide on what ending I wanted so there's a poll in the end.

Tags: Modern AU, childhood friends, Angst, pining and unrequited love, of course.

_______________

Abby is a fucking God, and you come to this conclusion when you're 11 and she helps you with your stupid assignment.

When you're both 14 you start to understand that what you feel for her is not, in fact, an admiration. 

You come to this conclusion when you sit in her bedroom and she jokes about teaching you how to kiss because you're a loser and you agree - and yeah, the kiss is a mess, but now you both know that you want to kiss girls. And you want to kiss one girl in particular, but Abby is your best friend and you won’t do anything that will lead to losing her.

Being a God means Abby is out of your reach and you have to live with your stupid feelings.

You're jealous of every boy who jokes around her to get her attention.

You're jealous of every girl who dares to look at her a little too long.

Abby is popular and she starts dating and it breaks your heart every time, and you can't look at other people because all your gods look like Abby.

"Why don't you go on a date?" Abby asks once when you're 16 and you're eating pizza in your bedroom, watching another marvel movie. "I think Jen likes you."

"I don't want to." What would be the point if the only person you want to date won't ever look at you this way?

"Why? Don't you get horny like the rest of us mortals?"

The worst part of being in love with your popular best friend is that she recently lost her virginity and she can't shut up about sex because she is excited about it.

"I have my hand, Abby." You roll your eyes at her.

"But it feels better when the other person does it." Abby winks and puts her hand on your thigh. "It's better, isn't it?" She rubs your thigh and your breath hitches. She looks at you, playful, and goes a little up on your thigh, and your face burns.

"You belong in horny jail, Anderson." You laugh, but don't move her hand: if you move it she'll call you a chicken, but she is a chicken enough herself to not move it further.

And she doesn't.

You live your life peacefully, dealing with your feelings as best as you can.

Then college starts and you're too busy to think about Abby 24/7 and you feel like it gets easier. Like you can breathe around her and you almost don't feel pain when she talks about her sex life.

Almost.

You know it's easy to deal with because all those girls in her bed are temporary while you're in Abby's life forever, and not because your feelings suddenly fainted. Abby likes to sleep around, she is a flirt even with you - a lot, actually, she thinks she can get away with a lot by saying she is touch-starved and then her hands wander off somewhere they're not supposed to be, and you let her, because you'll take whatever you can.

So you go through Abby's fuckboy phase with ease, because sex talk is way better than feelings talk.

A few years pass and suddenly the feelings talk starts, and you're slowly dying inside, because Abby likes someone. Abby talks about how nervous she is around her, she is always on her phone texting her, she is always busy when you want to spend time with her.

You hate this girl with all you have, because she takes Abby away, she takes everything away - Abby is not touchy anymore, she only hugs you briefly when you see her, she is not listening to you half of the time, too caught up in her fantasies.

You hope her girl is a bitch and an asshole and toxic so you can talk Abby out of it, but then Abby tells you she is going to introduce you at the party and you cry yourself to sleep that night.

"How do I look?"

"Like you need Jesus." You say honestly because Abby in the muscle tee and a pair of cargo pants makes you ache.

"Yeah?" Abby looks at you through the mirror with that fucking smirk she knows you like. "Am I fuckable?"

"We both know you prefer to be on the other end of that word, Anderson." You roll your eyes and put your shoes on only to straighten up to Abby's face way too close. She looks you up and down.

"You're very fuckable though."

"Fuck off." You huff and open the door of her apartment, hoping she won't tease you for being flustered. "Let's go before Manny gets so drunk you'll have to carry him. Again."

You spent the night in dread of meeting Abby's girl, dreaming of seeing her red flags or something to have a real reason to hate her to Abby's face, but then Abby lights up and she excuses herself to go and meet her girl, while you try so hard to not throw up from your nerves.

The girl is gorgeous.

"This is (y/n)." Abby motions at you and you smile politely. "This is Mia."

"I'm so happy to meet you." Mia smiles and she looks kind and genuine and fuck, you can't hate her. There's no jealousy in her, no fake smiles, no tense body language. "Abby loves you so much."

You swallow hard.

"I put up with so much of her shit, she doesn't have a choice." You joke and Mia laughs.

Mia is funny and cute and you understand why Abby likes her, because it's impossible not to. Mia is a type of girl that you'd think of as a bitch because she is popular, therefore arrogant, but when you get to know her she is a total sweetheart who'd help you find a way to your class if she notices you're lost.

This is hard.

This is going to break you.

You can't cope with this. You can't cope with seeing Abby's gentle gaze on Mia, with her careful touch and constant care. So you excuse yourself and go to the bar to get drunk, as if you can drown your feelings by dragging them to the bottom of the bottle. You dance and you drink, you dance and you drink and repeat it five other times until all long islands make you feel sick and you can't walk by yourself anymore. You're an independent woman and you refuse to ask for help, but when you can't order a taxi for the fifth time because your eyes are so blurry, Mia comes to you and holds you by your elbow.

"We will take you home, okay?" She says kindly and you feel your lips tremble. We.

"Jus- can you c'll a taxi f'me?" You slur, but you feel Abby's hand on your waist as she supports you. "Don't wanna ruin your night."

"You're not ruining anything." Mia says cheerfully and orders a taxi when Abby gives her your address. "Happens to the best of us."

The drive home makes you super dizzy and Abby has to put her hand between your head and the car door because you hit it all the time. The moment the car stops and Abby goes around to help you get on your legs, you throw up on the ground and it's a miracle you don't get everyone's shoes dirty.

Abby decides to carry you to your place and you can't shut up even for a second.

"I'm s'sorry guys. Not a good first impression. I really like you, Mia. You look kind. Like a grandma. In a good way, I'm sorry." Mia giggles. "Your laugh is very cute. It's cute, right Abby?"

"Yeah." Abby agrees quietly and what you don't know is that for her your drunken rant was way cuter than her girlfriend's laugh.

"Yeah. You look great together, I'm s'happy for you Abby. Haven't seen her that nervous because of a girl in years, can you imagine, Mia? You make this asshole nervous." You're chuckling sadly, you want to cry because you don't make Abby nervous.

No, you just embarrass her in front of her girlfriend because you're so pathetically in love you can't deal with it and drink half of the bar until you forget how to walk on your own.

Abby helps you change and Mia gives you water. She makes sure there is fresh air in your room and she tucks your blanket, and you close your eyes to hide your tears because Mia is so nice. She is a dream girl and Abby is so happy and there is no space for you anymore.

Because Mia took your place in that forever equation.

On the next day you text your apologies to both Abby and Mia (she followed you on instagram and asked you how you felt) and you can't deal with this. It hurts so much because you love Abby so much and you want her to be happy but it seems like the price of it is going to be your heart.

So you start avoiding her as best as possible, and what is more sad - it's not even that hard. Abby is always with Mia, fuck, Mia even asks you to come with them to hang out, which you always find an excuse not to. Library, fever, other plans, other plans again, sorry, paper is due tomorrow, my aunt is in town (she is not). Anything to not meet with them.

You still see Abby during classes and you give each other life updates, but it's been weeks since you actually hung out and you accept the reality that yes, there's no place for you in Abby's life anymore.

You cry every fucking night.

Then Abby suddenly remembers you exist and she asks you if you want to hang out, just the two of you, because she misses you. You miss her too and you agree.

You regret it the moment she cuddles you in front of her tv. She has a girlfriend now, why is she so touchy again? Did something happen with Mia that Abby came to you?

"Is everything okay with Mia?"

"Yeah, she is great." Abby says and buries her nose in your neck.

No. You can't deal with this.

So you start avoiding Abby at all costs after this - you can't shake the feeling that this is cheating, because for you Abby's touch has never been platonic, no. And it never felt platonic either, it was always giving you hope because Abby was flirting and touching the way friends don't touch each other. Maybe one day she'd finally give you a chance, you thought, but this day never came.

It is another party a month and half later - yay, Abby and Mia have been together for two months now! - and you don't know if Abby is going to come, but you hope she doesn't. You know she knows something is up and she will want her answers if she meets you.

But you have fun. You play games, you drink, you dance, you get flirted with and you forget about your pain just to get so drunk again you can't help but go outside to find a place to cry in peace.

You miss Abby, you miss her because she is a part of you and yes, you're in love with her, but she also your best fucking friend and you hate yourself for being in love with her, because it ruins your life. It has been ruining your life since you were fourteen and actually understood what you felt, but now it was getting serious.

"(Y/n)?"

Fuck.

You wipe your tears and look at Abby who is standing right in front of you.

"Hi." You squeak and she drops on the knees to look at you.

"Did something happen? Why are you crying?"

"I'm just sad. Don't worry." You try to smile but Abby's frown makes you cry more. "I'm going home anyway, so you can enjoy the party."

"What the hell are you saying? I'm not leaving you."

She should. She should leave you and not complicate it further.

Abby calls a taxi and you chuckle in your head - If you had a nickel for every time Abby was taking your drunk ass home, you'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

You tell her as much because the meme is funny and you try to be positive.

Abby helps you out of the car and this time you don't throw up.

"You know, last time I totally embarrassed myself in front of Mia." You chuckle and make your way upstairs with Abby's arm around your waist. "She is cute, I'm so happy for you."

Abby chuckles and leads you inside your apartment, but between the two of you she is mostly sober and she has some questions, and she wants her answers. You know this too, so when you sit on your sofa you feel like all your shields are crumbling: you’re giving up on hiding this from her. If this is the end, so be it.

"You've been avoiding me." Abby says quietly, looking you in your eyes like she is just a little bit mad. 

"Yeah, I know." You admit with a chuckle. "You have a girlfriend now, it's so cool. When was the last time you liked someone like that? Back in school?"

"So you've been avoiding me on purpose." 

"I don't think you can avoid someone accidentally, Abby.” You say, not holding back your venom. “Anyway, I’m so happy for you.”

“Why are you avoiding me?” Abby moves closer to you  and you swallow your tears because there’s nowhere to run.

“Because it’s easier.” You shrug. “I just want you to be happy, okay? Does Mia make you happy?”

“Yeah.” Abby admits and you start crying again: it hurts so fucking much. 

“Good. It’s good. I’m happy for you.” You sniffle and Abby huffs, annoyed.

“Stop saying that. Stop avoiding my questions.”

Inside you all hell breaks loose.

“I love you, okay?” You finally burst. “I love you, and it hurts so fucking bad and I can’t fucking see you with her or know that you’re with her! What do you want me to do? What would you do if you were me? I can’t- I can’t-” You throw your hands desperately and bite your lip, too angry with this whole situation.

“I love you too.” Abby says, confused.

“No, no Abby, you don’t understand.” You’re quiet and angry, almost spitting every word out. “I’m in love with you. I’m not jealous as a friend, Abby. I’m jealous because I want to be in her place, okay? Fuck, I wanted to be in your every girl’s place since you started dating girls!” 

There is silence. You thought it would be terrifying - this silence - but right now you feel nothing except how dizzy your head is. You feel empty and there's no tears anymore. Abby stares at you in shock, her fists clenched, and you chuckle cynically. 

“So can I continue avoiding you now or should I suffer more?”

“Fuck, (y/n)..” Abby sighs and rubs her forehead, going over her face with her palm. “Fuck. Don't do this to me.”

“Well.” You huff, annoyed. “Not like I have a fucking choice, Anderson.”

Abby throws her head back and stares at the ceiling while you do the same, trying to keep your drunk ass stable. You feel like eternity passes before Abby speaks again, and it is strangely comforting, having your best friend here with you, in this boat of pain, and sharing it with her. 

“All these years. All these years we could have been together.” Abby sounds like she is mourning. 

You thought your heart broke when you met Mia? Forget it, it's broken now.

You sob, howl almost, and Abby is suddenly holding you in her arms, placing kisses to your hair. Her heart can't handle seeing you cry, never could - yes, she tried to move on with Mia, and it worked partially, but all her effort went to shit just now. You're the most precious girl to her and nothing can change it. Abby swallows and braces herself, suddenly making a decision in her head, all her anxiety about what is a right thing to do gone. 

“You know what? Fuck it. Fuck all that time we've missed. I'm not letting you go now.” Abby says in your ear and you sob even more violently. “Come on, baby, I'm here. Let me see your face.”

You can't believe it. You can't even process it: is it your drunken dream? Are you hallucinating? It would definitely not be the first time. But you look up at Abby and she gently wipes your tears and there’s so much love and hurt in her eyes it’s hard not to break into another sobbing fit. 

“I've been in love with you since we were seventeen.” Abby smiles at you and you shakily smile back. “I’m sorry it came to this. But I'm here now.”

“I love you.” You say feverishly and Abby's restraint breaks.

She kisses you hungrily, practically devouring you, and you're weak, so you return her kiss and press into her, soaking in her warmth and strength. Abby is solid and tender, she holds you like she cares and you cling to her for a moment.

But then you remember yourself and push Abby away, shaking your head.

“No. You're better than this. You're not going to betray Mia like this. I'm not going to let you, Abby. We're not doing this,” You motion between yourself and her. “Behind your girlfriend's back. And I'm also fucking drunk.”

Abby chuckles and kisses your forehead. 

“Come on, I'll help you get into your bed.”

Everything else after is a blur as Abby helps you change and covers you with your blanket, and you fall asleep. You can't wait for the morning to come.

****

#abby anderson x reader #abby anderson x you #abby anderson #abby tlou

[crushedsweets]

Does Toby still experience some PTSD from his abusive past?

In my au, Toby’s amnesia is mostly attributed to when he was under the operators influence. He does remember his childhood and experiences symptoms of ptsd and general trauma responses

Tw for details about Toby’s triggers(kinda..) and random things that were impacted cuz of the abuse under the cut

The last act of physical abuse(minus the fight the night frank died) that Toby experienced from frank was being strangled till he passed out. He was 16 going on 17. Connie FINALLY left frank after this bc she legitimately believed he killed Toby until she checked Toby’s pulse. Connie let frank come back after lyras death bc she thought that losing a kid would “fix” him(it didn’t). Toby killed his dad 17 going on 18

SO WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID he has a specific issue with his neck/throat being touched, hence the turtlenecks and the way he panicked in the drawing I just did of him and tim. He can’t feel pain but airways being restricted would freak anyone out (I’m assuming u asked this because of that drawing)

Some other sore spots for him would be. Obviously Alchohol, specifically men and women arguing, men raising their voices, etc. he has a particular frustration for men mistreating women even if he’s not the Best Example of a respectable gentleman(literally has killed men and women alike), but overall getting into fights and stuff isn’t that big of a trigger unless his throat is being touched.

Some other non trigger but related stuff… Toby Def has a weird relationship w gender and gender roles cuz of the way he grew up. His dad instilled a lot of “don’t act like a girl, women belong in the kitchen” shit too. Half of him is still like “I’m not a fucking pussy” and half of him just wants to be as soft as his sister and mother.

He only gets severe nightmares and stuff when he’s stressed, but it doesn’t take much to stress him out. He is CONSTANTLY on edge, smth he got from a household where he had to always listen to the weight of footsteps to know how angry frank was. He still keeps track of things like that around the others, even if he comes off as like.. mindless and not paying attention. Tim always gets on his case for being oblivious . There are likely some specific phrases that get Toby really riled up. Honestly he probably has beef with shit as simple as military time because of franks time in the military having an impact on the household too.

Toby is a hypocrite though. Not exactly an example of breaking the cycle

#hcs #asks #creeped #chatterbox #tw abuse #toby

[teddybeartoji]

mickey !! crawling out of my blanket fort for the ask game u just rbd…… for the questions, maybeee 1 + 26 + 41?? :3 am making a cup of coffee for u in preparation ☕️

OMG OMG OMGGGGG ARIIII MY SWEET LITTLE IRIS IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU HEREEE<333333

1. who is/are your comfort character(s)?

satoru................................ nobody is surprised lmao but he's my little itty bitty honey bunny blue eyed princess and i just feel like smiling whenever i think about him okay:(( i love him so much wahh:(( and also yuuji and hinata<33333 btw are we.. are we seeing a theme here i am not immune to big smiles alright????

i wish i could also say like abby or ellie from tlou but... i get no fucking comfort from them only pain and suffering idk why i like them in the first place smhh jkjk little angry lesbians oh how i love you so

okay now that i'm really thinking about it, thee most obscure little guy popped into my head - schmidt from new girl. i've only seen like the first three seasons but every time i see this guy i'm like yes. thank you schmidt. you are funny.

tried to go 2 minutes without talking about him but.... it is toji too. i keep seeing thee softest fanart of him on twt and i just melt every time. like pics of him in big jackets n coats with a massive scarf:(( or with him n mamagumi:(((((((((( idk i think about getting a hug from him and i'm fixed for a while what more could i ask from a comfort character🐱🐱

26. a scenario that you've replayed multiple times?

ok this is the first thing that first came to mind and i think it's so funny so that's the one i'm gonna go with

cue little eight year old mickey right. my family and our relatives were all at our family home, eating breakfast in the big room. there are multiple windows and when you look out you can see the front door right.... remember that. anyway, there's like 15 people in the room bla bla and i was sent to go fetch the fucking newspaper or smth.

so i go outside. and there's Three big steps there. okay another very important fact that i was a very. very very clumsy kid. let's continue. i fall down the three massive steps. of course. bare knees and all, fly right into the asphalt underneath but the thing is... i was clumsy but i wasn't a crier. like i always fell off trees and there literally wasn't a single summer until i was like 16 where my knees were NOT bruised and bloody lmao.

so i'm fine. i just thought it was funny bc c'mon how the fuck do you fall down three steps you know. but then i felt it... the glare........

still sitting on the ground with bloody knees and palms, i slooooowly turn around and find my dad just staring right at me. NOBODY else was looking, only him. he's looking at me and then he just slowly shakes his head......................................... omfggggg brooo don't act like you never did thattt😒😒😒😒 anyway idk why this one is so stuck in my head but i do still think it's so funny it's so stupid like why was he staring??? go help your kidd?????? i mean i was fine i didn't want his help buT IT'S ABOUT THE POINTTT

41. how do you take your coffee?

with milk and sugar hihihii!!! when i go out i usually order a cappuccino or if they have a frappe in the selection i'm getting that!!!

i'm good with it being hot, i'm good with it being lukewarm, i'm good with it being cold - i am not picky!!!!! i'm also not picky over the quality lmao i drink those capsule coffees at home and but i'm super used to the 3in1 drinks too just bc i was drinking a lot of those at work yk

#HEHEHEHEHHE #ILY ARIII #THANK U FOR PARTICIPATING IN THE “GET TO KNOW MICKEY” EVENT #i hope i am now even.. #was gonna say cooler but i did just tell you a story about me falling down exactly three steps so ig that's a fucking reach huh #but we are closer NOWWWWW #mwah mwah mwah mwah #mayor of loserville #ari <3 #friends!! #interview the mayor

[rotisseries]

ASKING U ABT CIRI WITCHERS BOOKS? TELL ME MORE

OK SO. the fun thing about the witcher books is that they were written by a Man In The 80s. so you have moments where it's like. oh how unexpectedly progressive of you!!! (very cool pro choice scene) and other moments where it was very much Written By A Man In The 80s. so. miss cirilla fiona elen riannon is actually a PERFECT example of this duality because she is fundamentally a joint main protag like this series is just as much about her journey as it is about geralt's and she's a teenage girl written with a lot of depth and care and compassion. and also sometimes it's just fucking weird. like this series encompasses a large span of time so while she starts the series at like. 12. a large portion of her story happens at like. the 15 to 16 range. so there's like. the occasional weird shit and then there's generally too many. threats of sexual violence against her like I cannot overstate that. a main plot point is that elves want to impregnate her because she has special elven heritage or something idfk I need to reread. BUT. MOST MEMORABLE OFFENSE IN MY MIND. IS THE FACT SHE'S CANONICALLY SAPPHIC (yay) AND IT'S WRITTEN FUCKING WEIRD (nooo) SO. there's an arc where she gets separated from geralt for awhile and he's trying to find her (with a fun little found family btw. while she's like. having the greatest suffering of her fucking life and she's ALREADY lost her grandmother to war and fire atp) and it's the first time she's truly been on her own. she's 15 she's been hanging with him since she was 12 he's been her gruff dad for several years now. so this ends up as kind of a very dark point in her life she first has to survive through this desert and then she gets attacked by bandits??? I think??? older men though which is the main threat. and she's captured and scared and then!! she gets rescued by this teenaged bandit group and this is where it's a dark point in her life bc they are a very toxic friend group for her it's not good these aren't really like. moral bandits like overall her time with them isn't great for her BUT. the first night she stays with them one of the boys in the group tries to assualt her. gently of course. 🙄 but the other girl in the group, (I REMEMBER THIS BITCH'S NAME. FUCKING MISTLE) runs him off but then she ALSO makes sexual advances on ciri SHE LITERALLY DOES THE SAME THING THE BOY DID and CIRI GOES WITH IT BUT IT'S LIKE. THERE'S NO ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT HERE OR ANYTHING SHE'S UNCOMFORTABLE SHE'S NOT READY I THINK SHE CRIES HANG ON IT'S REALLY BAD LEMME SEE IF I CAN FIND IT LIKE I CAN'T OVERSTATE THIS ENOUGH IT'S TEXTUALLY SEXUAL ASSAULT

look at this shit.

"but rori," you may say, "this is awful, but why point to this as canon sapphicness? rape is not representation" and you are RIGHT. SO TRUEEE. unfortunately. ciri continues to date this bitch. they have an extended romantic relationship for months. or longer. while ciri rides around with them harassing random villages. SO. CIRI'S ONLY CANONICAL SAPPHIC RELATIONSHIP. WHICH IS MEANT TO BE HER BEING SAPPHIC BTW BC THE AUTHOR SAID SOME SHIT IN AN INTERVIEW OR SMTH ABOUT WANTING TO GO AGAINST STEREOTYPES OR WHATEVER WHERE THE PRINCESS ALWAYS ENDS UP WITH SOME MAN. KEEP THAT IN MIND BTW IT'LL BE RELEVANT AGAIN. BUT ANYWAY. ONLY CANONICAL SAPPHIC RELATIONSHIP AND CANONICAL EVIDENCE OF CIRI BEING SAPPHIC AND IT'S. IT'S FUCKING. IT FUCKING STARTS WITH A RAPE. ANDRZEJ SAPOWSKI I WILL KILL YOU

and then. AND THEN. even better. actually objectively a better situation than this one but it sours it further to me. so she's like? technically bisexual I think? in the sense that she has a female "love interest" and later a male one. but it's just. it's not anything specific but the way it's written is just like. it feels more like he wrote her as a lesbian and then just changed his mind at the last book. because the final book is her telling this man she meets about the shit she went through (this is well after mistle btw like I think it's been a few years) and then they like. leave somewhere together at the end of the book? and it's not really romantic but it simultaneously reads like maybe it's supposed to be (AND OH HEY REMEMBER THAT BIT ABOUT NOT WANTING THE TROPEY ENDING FOR THE PRINCESS WHERE SHE ENDS UP WITH A MAN??) and if yes then it's weird as bisexuality rep because it actually just reads like he wrote her as a lesbian during the worst time in her life and then after she got better and got through it her happy ending is with a man. so. bit weird bit odd. and then the game witcher 3 gives you the option to say she's not in to guys. but also the option to romance a guy. so who even knows. ciri's possible lesbianism/bisexuality is the sexuality schroedingers cat. lmao

#she's bi in the same way piper pjo is where like. ok you're telling me she's been romantically involved with both a man and a woman #which is generally the sign a character is meant as bi if the author doesn't give them a label. AND YET #you have written this bi woman like she's actually a lesbian somehow #genuinely and unironically liking these books sucks so bad. I'm killing myself #yes I was on here months ago defending yennefer as a character. yes I think the netflix adaptation is awful yes I like these books #but no I don't #anyway. erm. ciri bi lesbian rights I fucking guess??????? wth #ask #gloomybirdie #hi gloomy!

[mikareo]

hi hi!! hope you’re doing well! thank you for opening match ups! i haven’t done any in a long time so it’s a bit exciting (≧▽≦)

may i have a blue lock personality matchup please?

desired gender/general age of the match: a guy please! 17 so we’d be the same age, but a more general bracket would be 16-18 (/∇＼*)

major personality traits: clumsy, hopeless romantic, smiley, chatty, and bubbly (especially around ppl im close to), shy, but i also like to mess around and have fun, creating a bit of chaos, and being a bit of tease,, i do get anxious and constantly stuck in the mindset of “fuck it” and “why did i do that”

um um also im an infp, a sagittarius, and i go by she/her ⸜( ˙˘˙)⸝

fav hobbies/activities: reading books and manga (and fanfiction but shhh), watching anime and kpop, listening to music, organizing, scrapbooking/card making, decorating, just anything crafty really, volunteering to teach little kids ⸜( ˙˘˙)⸝

ideal first date/dream date: smth not so uptight or high stress, smth kind of casual! so things like going to a mall/town center to shop and look through different stores (bonus points for books, stationery, and anime things hehe), maybe hit a cafe, but i also love the idea of aquarium or carnival/festival/theme park dates ∗˚(* ˃̤൬˂̤ *)˚∗

thank you thank you!! i hope this wasn’t too much, but im excited for whatever you come up with!!💓

💌 ✮⋆˙ love letter to...starglow-xx!

hellooooo!! here's your personality matchup! girl you sound like such an amazing person from your personality traits omgggggg i hope you enjoy this!!!! <3

[ ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊˚⊹ ᰔ ] your personality matchup results!

congratulations . . .‧₊˚🎧✩KENYU YUKIMIYA₊˚🫧⊹♡

⋆⭒˚｡⋆ chemistry analysis . . .

okay, i know there are a lot of yuki haters out there...but i think this man is so underrated. he's basically canonically the most attractive character in all of blue lock and his back story is so sad, it makes me just want to hug him and i think the two of you would be so compatible— let me explain!!!

yuki's generally known as the more gentle and calm one amongst all of the blue lock player (though he obviously gets a little aggressive on the field, but we all have our moments right?). i think this calm demeanor would be a great trait to balance your anxious mindset. while you're struggling with post-action anxiety, he would be able to talk you through what's going on and help you understand that everything you do if okay! he's made his fair share of mistakes in the past, and he knows that the only way to move forward is to acknowledge that what's done is done— what matters today will likely not matter tomorrow, and he's an ace at comforting you on that subject.

he can also be a bit of a downer sometimes...or a lot of the time. i think that your upbeat attitude could challenge this negativity that he usually feels about himself. as i said before, he would be there for you when your having difficult times and you would also return the favor. when he's in the dumps because he lost a game or feels like his football career may be over, you're the person who's there to lift him up and make him laugh. to be frank, your laugh is probably his favorite sound and he'd think of it whenever he needs to focus and remember the things that bring him joy.

the two of you would be able to be yourselves around each other with no fear of judgement. you can share hobbies— such as you showing him your favorite manga or him taking you shopping for designer clothes— and enjoy the sweet bliss of being in each other's company. any kind of date or experience you'd like to have, he'd be sure to make it happen and blow your expectations out of the roof. yuki's a romantic...and a handsome one at that, but no matter how many girls fall at his feet, you're the one for him. he has eyes on no one except you, and as long as his eyesight remains in tact— you're the most important beauty he wishes to admire.

this was so fun to do bc of how much i love yuki. i'm such an isagi fan and seeing everyone hate on yuki bc of the rivalry between them is so sad since they're just two boys who want to play soccer ajskl so it's such a treat to be able to write about him in a positive way! pls let me know what u think :)

#matchups ₍ᐢ. ̫.ᐢ₎ #txt.starglowxx

[onlyjaeyun]

They really should, they'll be in our dms like I'd do this and this and this instead of that, and it's just like wow guess it's a good thing I'm not you and did it how I wanted. Like for a while I had a phase where every single one of my fics ended in death, and I'd have people be all "It would have been so easy to just have it go like this instead" and I'd just be like "Nah, death more fun" like why have happy ending when I can make you suffer instead. I hated request like that, I would have people go as far as explain the oc, their height and weight and age and name and hair and eye color and the idol for the fic, but specifically what era the idol is in, and the plot and all the plot twist, and it's just like by the time you've sent me 20 ask explaining everything you wanted in the story, you basically wrote it yourself and could have just posted that instead of asking me.

I was just lucky that most of my mutuals were not really bad or out of pocket and it wasn't like some I saw, like I remember seeing like 15 year olds with like 35 year old mutuals that would say such out of pocket things, like things that would make me literally go honey that's not a normal thing to tell a minor, like miss maam you are 40 you should not be in this 16 year olds business like that. tbh same, like I feel they absolutely knew his age, just ignored it and hoped they would not get called out about it, like it gives me the same energy as people writing smut about Jisung when Dream debuted do, the only difference is Jisung was like a baby baby, bro was like 13 and they would be all oh he looks older, like no the fuck he doesn't, bruh looks like an infant, was literally just birthed. I feel like it's a mixed bag, some older fandoms were chill and some were not, some still aren't, and some fandoms are just chill since they are basically dead.

THATS EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT!!!!! they go on full ass rants in OUR inbox talking about how WE should do smth like girl 💀 bffr and go do it yourself, i promise its not that hard you literally started it now finish it and leave me the fuck alone. some readers are so entitled it's so frustrating (im so grateful all of you guys arent like this at all like i love you so much)

and pls some older stans are so scary sometimes bc ive witnessed similar things and it creeped me out sm im literally scared to turn out the same way so im super duoer careful with the way i hmbehave around younger stans 😭 and dont get me started on nct dream bc that was a MESSSSSS. i remember eriting for 00liners in 2019 (mind you they were all adukts at that time PLUS i'm lit a 00liner myself) and i always had to write warnings like ppl werent out there writing smut for jisung when he was 17 💀 seeing it all happen with riki is so sas but im afraid there's not much one can do yk? i just block them and keep it going bc again, there's no point in dealing with people like that imo

#; mailbox 📬

[edgydadster]

1 and 16 for Cassie! Hehe I’m challenging you with that second one >:3

My first impression of them

God it's so hard to remember... When I first played Pico's School I think I was pretty neutral about her. Because, like, then I didn't really care about the game's lore or the characters at all. It was just some 1999 flash game and that was all I saw it as. Just, "Oh. Alien chick with a penis, ok. Cool." HOWEVER, reading more into it I started liking her a bit more. Not as much as I do now but I thought her to be a decent character. NOWADAYS THAT WOMAN IS EVERYTHING. Blame my wife for me liking her as much as I do. Side rant but just the dumb little roleplays we used to do all the time and him always being Cassandra... Just seeing Cassy makes me smile and sometimes just makes me think of them lol. Really influenced me to like Cassy even more

16. A childhood headcanon

Ksjdksjdkajdjd okay. So, I really don't have any? My wife's usually the one who deals with Penilian lore and Cassandra and Damien's whole backstory things and I don't want to just say something she thought of. Not to say that I don't agree with those because I do and it's with our whole AU thing, but I feel like I should put in something I personally thought of. SO, I hope this is okay but I'll put a personal headcanon I've had when Cassandra was in mid-teens? I think that's when we agreed she went to Earth at like 15 something? I dunno. But I mean, it counts because not legal adult age??? Whatever I'm going with it fuck you.

AND SIDENOTE I HAVEN'T REALLY TOLD ANYONE THIS ONE YET AND IT MAY...PROBABLY WILL CHANGE- IT WAS JUST SMTH PERSONAL AND THE CLOSEST I HAD TO THIS PROMPT SO ROLL WITH IT FOR NOW- Anywho. I've had this one for awhile. Cassy gets to Earth, has never seen a human in her life. Only heard of them through word of mouth and if she DID see one before it'd be an astronaut. With that, she'd believe them to be small white/orange creatures with one huge black eye. She arrived at an unpopulated area of Philadelphia and the first human she sees is a girl. 5'10, on the chubbier side, fair skin, short hair, etc. (Haven't decided if she was goth or that was Cassandra's own choice after figuring out what the fuck clothes were) So, alright, cool, she's got her reference and can shapeshift into that to fit in. She takes on her body and most likely killed the woman afterward. No witnesses.

Cass prolly was a little weirded out at first taking on the female body but... I mean. She's there to eradicate the human race. The last thing she should be worrying about is having pair of tits and a pussy. Eventually she gets used to it and realizes hey I actually like being a girl! Transgender swag at its finest I'd say✨

Sorry for the long post!!! It's hard to shut me up when you get me ranting about something :')

#edgyasks #fren!!!! #mutuals my beloved #ty for the ask! #really made me suffer typing all this out lmao #but i like talking about things believe it or not #not talking to anyone for like 10 years really does things✨ #so even tho it seems like i don't have a lot to talk about i do lmfao #i just...don't because of trauma #not bouta vent tho gotta refrain from that lol #anyway rip my fingers #pico's school #cassandra pico's school #pico's school cassandra #au lore tag

[swaggy-pregnant-elf-man]

I posted 2,985 times in 2022

That's 1,767 more posts than 2021!

23 posts created (1%)

2,962 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@elytrians

@thekidsfromyestergay

@cttrajan1206

@discardedcandywrapper

@greenbeany

I tagged 1,232 of my posts in 2022

#mcr - 290 posts

#ofmd - 79 posts

#art - 65 posts

#toh - 41 posts

#birds - 21 posts

#tiktok - 18 posts

#lol - 15 posts

#lmao - 14 posts

#fuck capitalism - 14 posts

#prev tags - 13 posts

Longest Tag: 74 characters

#🦀🦀🦀😁🦀😁😁😁😁😁😁🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀😁😁🦀🦀😩🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

HELP ITS ME SUMI

The londoner in ur birmie squad sjdhhdf

i am so sorry bro i dont think i am who u think i am 😭😭

8 notes - Posted June 11, 2022

#4

aras have you seen the Joan of Arc outfit yet

I HAVE NOW KSKDKLEODJ DKDOEOL I AM GOING RVEN MORE INSANE GOING TO WATCH THE STREAM NOW

10 notes - Posted November 19, 2022

#3

3000 posts!

ashamed 😔

16 notes - Posted July 31, 2022

#2

clownwife

19 notes - Posted August 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I love the energy and all and I don’t want to offend but as a Muslim girl i can tell you that it is literally haram to identify as anything other than your god given gender. Like I’m not trying to be rude and I’m glad that there a respectful supportive people out there but if you’re looking at the Quran and other islamic book you’ll find stories about how its considered haram. Accepting the islam religion means accepting everything and dedicating yourself to it you can’t just pick and choose.

omg my first anon hate hahaha

i know im not obligated to answer hate but im going to anyway bcuz of i have things to say (sparkle emoji) (im on pc and dont have the energy to find an emoji keyboard)

okay first of all nowhere did i say that I identify as Muslim. i get that it was ambiguous tho so its cool. to clarify,, I am personally not Muslim but I kind of have to act like one so I don't get kicked to the streets or some shit lol and maybe I'm a bit of a coward idkkk but anyways

I would be interested to know what other Islamic books ur talking about btw, but I'm pretty sure the quran doesn't mention being trans anywhere at all. in fact I'm pretty certain, I've read it multiple times with translation and commentary interpretations and anyway being trans wasn't really a 'known' thing back then? bcuz obviously patriarchy and gender roles n segregation blah blah was wayyyy more yk. shit I forgot the word. uhhh yk like prevalent?? ofc the quran does mention a shitton about gender roles,, so yk men r the breadwinners, women raise the kids and keep house and be good wives etc. and also remember the big important fact:: GENDER AND SEX R DIFFERENT THINGS!!! meaning technically u cant be 'born' a gender (omfg my keyboard hates me imagine a question mark here) ur born with certain genitals and society assigns u a gender based on that . sounds a bit fucked when u put it like that actually but anyway back when the quran was being revealed this wasn't a known thing cuz yk they didn't have studies on this stuff,, and yea ur probably gonna say 'but the quran came from allah and he knows everything' well the fact of the matter is he either forgot or smth idk I don't speak for God but trans people definitely exist that's a fact we know so yeah. oh I should come back to my point which was, even with the quran saying those things about what ur supposed to do based on whats in ur pants which is crazy outdated anyway it doesn't take gender ≠ sex into consideration either soo ye that's the most it could've said about being trans and that not very valid anymore rip and that's not even mentioning non-binary people

and anyway Islam is literally all about acceptance and respect and everything so idk it would probably be better if u didn't go around telling ppl they're 'literally haram' for being trans or gay or any typa queer bcuz its literally not our choice (insert question marks) believe me I would fucking love to be comfortable in my 'female' body but I cant no matter how much I try to force myself so I'm sorry dude. no one would choose to be stuck in a situation like this. personally, I believe Islam needs a super massive reformation. well not Islam exactly, but a lot of things said in the quran r outdated wildly now, while a lot of it will also always be relevant, eg. everyone being equal and yk give to the poor etc. i have absolutely nothing against Muslims (I have it against my family for being so forceful about religion - different thing) yall r super cool and ik being a Muslim girl isn't easy believe me, but genuinely seeing Muslim people around and yk, just existing in wider society outside of Islamic spaces makes me feel so proud of where I came from even if its not been the best experience. have u seen the show We are Lady Parts (question mark) its about an all female Muslim punk band and there's only six episodes I literally watched it all today but the message of it is what I'm trying to get to you. u don't have to be the perfect pious wife to be considered a 'good Muslim',, there are so many ways u can show faith. you don't have to be a big strong man who can handle all pain with ease while single-handedly providing for a family either.

anyways peace out that sure was a journey lol and I definitely have forgot some of the things I wanted to say but yea that's all don't forget to like and subscribe &lt;3

(colours r to make it easier to read for people with shorter attention spans,, they don't have any other significance)

36 notes - Posted February 9, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #this is so funny lol #this is a cringefail blog fr #look vel and frederico ur on here thats crazy #omg and michael hiii

[all-doggirls-go-to-heaven-2]

Hey I got kinda emotional and into it here so. Skip this one if you dont care but if you're my friend idk read it see if it resonates or smth

I think ill never get over the feeling that im inept or a loser because its not the fact that I'm. You know. That. Its because before even making the comparison between this person's absolute best life and my sick week I already think that. Its bad to the point that whenever I see someone share good news abt. Anything. I get jealous

And like im rlly not trying to brag but I have a decent life by my standards. I have partners that love me but don't require my affection constantly, so when I kinda shut down for 9 hours as I often do no one freaks out. I have sex quite often! (Not right now because im sick and slowly losing my mind) (and yeah this is childish but im very hypersexual and if I did not have this it would be bad for the mind) like there are people who consider me a sexy being and want to have sex with me and then we do.that. often in trios which is such a thing that my 16-year old me would have said NICE!!! To me and now its kinda of the norm for me. When its not just me n my gf having like casual fun sex its a threesome. And that fucking rules!!! I have money now!!! Saved!!!! Im moving out in like four months!!!! I already bought like paintings and tables and shit. Im finishing uni and can go pursue my dreams of becoming a film professor!!!! My art constantly gets praise!!!! And yeah, we kinda got fucked festival season because we botched some documentation but I made people cry!!! With my writing and camera work!!!! And I did that with my friends, too!! No sellout shit, no contracting a pro to get good shots, no youtube tutorial bullshit, i got three people that really liked each other and we made a fucking movie!!! And people cried watching it!!!! Like I got a legacy now. Even if its a small, insignificant one, its a fucking legacy!!! Its there!!! I can like crochet now!!! And im good at it!!!! Better than my fucking aunt who mocked the stuff I made back then!!!! And I make money selling it?? Online??? To friends??? Thats fucking cool as hell!!! Im feeling pretty? Like actually pretty? Not in a fabricated, made up, photoshopped version of me but like. I look in the mirror and I see a girl. Shes kinda messy and probably needs to brush her teeth more but its a girl. I pass all the time??? Old people call me little missy and shit. And yet I have not lost the transfem swag.

Sure, maybe some shit is bad. Sometimes you feel like drowning. Still not quite over that one breakup. Sometimes there's nothing to do. Sometimes your friends are having way more fun than you and you have no excuse to not be having fun. Sometimes uni is suffocating. Sometimes you love people so intensely that you start hating them when they dont like you as intensely as you do them. Sometimes you still put other's happiness over your comfort or safety. Sometimes you still romanticize things to make it seems like you're a less boring person than you think you are. Sometimes you need more affection than you're getting from your partners and you simply stay quiet, because you fear you're becoming like your abusers. You still havent gotten over the "I was heavily emotionally abused for the better part of a month" and recovery should have ended by now. They moved on. Why haven't you? Why do you still think of them? Why everytime someone thinks the kind of sex you have is weird you remember them telling you that and then doing it anyway? You're still the black sheep of the family. No matter how many intense life-ending fuckups your cousins fuck up, you'll still be the worst one. Because you were supposed to be perfect, to study overseas, to be the golden child. And you failed. Sometimes you wonder if you're wasting your life trying to be happy. Sometimes you wonder if you even can be. Sometimes you cry because you're sure you cant

And we just.... gotta keep on living. Trying, succeeding and failing to be happy. To have my needs met. Isnt that what its all about?

[i-lowkey-hate-everyone]

🎀 - tw: mentions of s@ and sh

omfg so one of my "friends" (i don't rlly like her but i can't tell her) is like the biggest bitch in the entire world. i've accidentally told everyone but her and i feel like such a snake for it and IK she's gonna make herself the victim bc she does rhat with EVERYTHING. i mean i shouldn't be talking shit to everyone in school i should stop doing that. HOWEVER this girl omfg. she makes EVERYTHING abt herself like OMFG... 🐎's mom was going into surgery and 🐺+🍉 we're both comforting her bc it could've been fatal, she was fine btw, but 🎀 (like the self victimizing bitch she is) went "IMAGINE HAVING A MOM!!!!" ☹️... hoe u HAVE a mom she's just in jail. and like that sucks for u but this is NOT abt u. 🐺 told her to shut up AND THANK GOD LIKE?? another time we were looking at miku figures and we saw a h*ntai one and ik vocaloids don't have canon ages but in my eyes miku is 16 so it was like a jumpscare and without thinking i went "omg that's so weird she's like 16" and yk 🎀 couldve said "vocaloids don't have canon ages" or smth like that BUT NO SHE MADE IT ABT HER TRAUMA (for context 🎀 had been s@'d) she said "and i was 10" OK????? like that sucks for u but like she makes EVERYTHING abt her trauma. i get it could be a way to cope but pls leave me alone. also i opened up to her abt sh like once and she suddenly adopted me as her kid??? and started babying me??? i'm so glad i stood up for myself on that bc it was WEIRD like i'm not gonna say how old i am but i'm in high school like STOP. also! despite treating me like a baby, she makes weird sexual remarks too me! i was talking abt a dog once and she said "i can put u on a leash :3" GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME???? also she lied abt her ex but i can't remember what happened. anyway i'm just gonna let the friendship fizzle out over the summer bc i cannot do this anymore but i don't wanna be rude

[the-art-in-arthesia-is-loud]

what the character tags reference

h. HI.

so the ocs in the rg-verse have their own tags obviously, but their tags are also accompanied by a quote/sentence. i wanted to explain what they mean/reference so yeah!!!! under the cut as always lel

also i mentioned spoilers for final verdict and silent answer (specifically one last dream), the two parts of arcaea's main story, in this post. proceed with caution

———

1. "don't let him go" (ars):

this.....actually has smth to do with lore. i haven't explained much abt ars lore yet. not even in his trivia post, so i'll save the explanation for later~

2. "this is just a dream" (lucas):

it's a part in lucid traveler!

3. "another me" (ana):

the name of the song ana is based off of; another me by d_aan!!!

4. "where are you? please don't be dead." (galactic):

it has smth to do with galactic (and spinel)'s backstory. this quote was said months after spinel's disappearance.

5. "i don't give a f***" (destonio):

references a part in destruction 3, 2, 1.

6. "our fates are distorted" (fate):

references the name of the song fate is based off of; distorted fate by sakuzyo!

7. "to the furthest dream" (felicia):

song name for the song that felicia is based off of!

8. "darkest night i'll confront you here" (tessi/the testifier):

the first lyrics of testify.

9. "what an agonizingly long journey it has been" (abstruse):

initially, it references a tweet the official arcaea twitter/x acc made. now it's known as a quote from the severed eden story.

10. "this is all my fault" (trojan):

it has smth to do with the story. not gonna spoil that~

11. "money can't buy happiness (but creating things can" (logos):

uh.....the first part references her bio. the second part however......is pretty much outdated. i'll give her a new, updated tag soon. but not now. BECAUAE I'M LAZY AYGHHFHF

12. "a special kind of texture" (primeval texture):

references a quote in the primeval-lore-focused comic i posted awhile back!

13. "i exist" (ego eimi):

""Ego eimi" (ἐγώ εἰμι) in Ancient Greek means "I am" or "I exist". The phrase has Christian theological significance due to its usage in the Gospel of John, where Jesus uses the phrase to assert his presence and divinity" — thing from arcaea wiki

14. "like an ice cube" (technicolour):

references technicolour's weapon (bc nearly everyone here has their own weapons honestly); a small looking cube. Don't Be Fooled By It's Appearance, However.

15. "to the new dream" (dahlia):

supposed to reference felicia's tag, ig?? lmao

16. "the embodiment of chaos and destruction herself" (arghena):

this has smth to do with lore, so i can't say it here. it Is pretty odd how she gets a title like this and not destonio, who is literally the god of destruction here....hmmmmmmmmm

17. "it's not your fault. don't blame it on yourself. please." (tempo):

connected to trojan's tag, which is why i can't say the reasoning here~

18. "authentication: successful" (shifta):

references a part in temporal shifting.

19. "i heard the world is collapsing" (callima karma):

kind of a reference to a lyric in the og song, but bc i forgot what it was for some reason, i might be super wrong for some reason. obviously i remember the part where "arcaea" was mentioned, and since this is Not arcaea, i had to change that lel.

20. "the one who got away" (spinel):

you thought that tag is a reference to that one song? you fucking thought wrong. this has smth to do with her backstory, actually. referencing how she ran away and just went 'missing'.

21. "is it so wrong for a girl to like bugs?" (pamolia):

references a part in pupa's official mv. sort of. forgot how it originally went so i Might get this part wrong. UM. ANYWAYS.

22. "butterflies tear people apart" (pupa):

when i was going thru the comment section for pupa's official mv, i noticed a few ppl commenting that exact quote, so naturally, i had to reference it somehow :3333

23. "he was the one who bared witness to her wrath" (tempestissimo):

i think my art related to tessi, lacey, and tempestissimo already implied this enough, but this tag references how tessi fucking murdered tempest. yea. and while we're on that topic, that also references how hikari killed tairitsu in final verdict. and the way tessi gave up her goddess powers and became lacey just to bring tempest back to life is ALSO A REFERENCE TO SILENT ANSWER'S STORY SPECIFICALLY ONE LAST DREAM'S STORY. AND. AND—

24. "last (moment or eternity?)" (lacey):

references last, last | moment, and last | eternity.

25. "you are your very own light!" (hikaru):

that one phigros tip 🥹

26. "welcome to the progression express~☆" (arta):

references my very first artwork of him, actually! and also references how he's a train conductor

27. "the fireworks that bring tragedy" (lumine):

has smth to do with destonio and lumine lore. not gonna elaborate further tho. for now at least.

28. "the math expert himself" (aleph-0):

references how he's a math teacher. also, aleph-0 is a math thing, am i wrong?

29. "class memories (trauma and paranoia)" (clarith):

references her backstory (and also class memories itself ig)

30. "class memories (realist and serious)" (chase):

references his backstory (and also class memories itself ig)

OH MY GOD WE ARE AT THE END OF THE POST THANK YOU IF YOU READ IT UNTIL THIS MUCH OH MY FUCKING GOD.

#arthesias rambles (art blog edition) #arthesias ocs #i am Not tagging everyone again. #rgverse: misc

[nasturtiumsforbreakfast]

blood test results for starting T came back today (after a bunch of times the GP not having appointments, and then me missing the call when he did)

Anyway my free androgen index is a fair bit higher than it "should" be, enough that the doc asked if I'd already started T, cs that's dealt with by a London clinic

Which is fine, obviously, that's what going on testosterone is sposed to do, right, so I guess I just have a slight head-start or smth

But this is going here instead of my main blog cs it's um. It's kinda brought me some thoughts of uh.

Well I've always had the thought of. I.

I don't know if I'd count as intersex?

I've never had any medical trouble (beyond horrid joint pain that sometimes seems to come and go with my hormone levels, but then my parents were both diagnosed with arthritis as teenagers (mum with rheumatoid at 13, dad with osteo at 16), so isn't that some level of normal to experience), or really anything outside what may be considered yr normal uhhhh female y'know puberty experience, but I do. Well I think I do. Have a larger than average clit?

I remember being a very small child, maybe 5 or so, and changing for swimming lessons, y'know, and thinking,, mine doesn't look like that. Mine doesn't look at all like that.

I suppose I'm just. Less neat, maybe. From what I can tell, it looks like y'know like a normal on-T bottom growth type uh whatever you call it, tho I haven't looked at enough photos to tell what sorta exactly so-many-months stage it looks like.

So I really do just have a small head start (ha, head), in that sense, naturally high T levels, I suppose

But I've spent my entire life thinking like. I'm not supposed to look like that. It's not right normal whatever. If someone fucked me, they'd be able to feel it, feel that I wasn't normal, even if it's only averagely large instead of just large (I haven't much of an idea of what is very large or not, beyond that people celebrating their T changes look like I do already)

I suppose that some of my ID'ing as ace at first was misplaced shame, y'know - I look wrong, nobody would want a girl that looks like this, therefore I shouldn't want anything myself

Which is pure nonsense, I'm aware, but it's a very hard (oh it does that, too, some, tho it doesn't show half as well as a cis man's might) idea to shake, and I've still kept hold of the shame, tho now it's mostly shifted to be about "nobody would want me as a man person because I look like too much of a girl despite this"

And that if anyone did want me, it would be despite this, always, never accepting it or liking it - I don't know I've truly accepted it yet myself, I am uncomfortable about it,,, being known by someone else, or something, y'know, tho most of my masturbation has always focused on it over y'know penetration - but rather that if they,, carried on with me, it would be ignoring it, or following some great horrid uncomfortable shock, y'know, cs it's not. I suppose. It's not necessarily something you'd go into something expecting to find.

Well. There's that said.

I know logically it's nothing to be ashamed of, really. I know that my birth certificate has "female" on it, so I can't be that um. Far away from cis-average. I'm using the wrong words I don't know the right ones I'm sorry But it's an idea that burrowed it's way very very far into my brain, and I've so far been unable to shift it.

Tho seeing people pleased at their progression into their genitals looking like mine, does go some way to helping, I will say that.

#oh what do I tag this #intersex #I don't know if I count. and honestly I'd rather the least amount of medical examinations possible and have no intention of finding out. #i don't intend on bottom surgery I'm not a fan of doctors and I've no need to go any further than I already am. Y'know. Uh. #oh bugger I don't bloody know #I'm shutting up now #testosterone

[noro-noro-noro]

had a dream. actually it was 2 dreams I just some of the first one. not much but anyway I was undefended in a high floor of an unfinished building that was half bordering a dark forest and sunrise and half just open to the city skyline, but not like All the way just somewindows & then places where it was just the horizontal beams. I was protected from something truly evil by Something Else in the darkness but as soon as the sun spilled in it was reduced to a dark stain. the sun melted it. I made a pitch black area with my hands against a metal pillar to at least save a shred of it & it was in there, & I think it webt I to a dried up dead roach in a spider web.

2: I was living in school campus again but also combined w the front half of my mom's house. I was working on smth then it got late & I had to walk thru the student center to get to where I parked my car..the student center was a lot less safe it was full of weirdos. a dude out his hsnd on my shoulder & I was like no sir. & then a homeless guy with sharp piercings in the middle of his hands kept bothering all the girls on the stairs bc he wanted to have a baby. when I got to my car there were people rooting through it so I grabbed them like hi :) what the fuck are you doing you stupid cunts. & I looked at my car & it was beatnthe fuck up missing the front door back windshield smashed in etc etc & I got so fucking mad I don't know what happened next

my allergies are really killing me. I feel so gross. here's some dreams from my afternoon nap

3. at a summer camp or smth keeping an eye on the kids, there was some adult only event where the kids were rooting for us! kind of parkour like, we had to get through some obstacle course that was also in a half built or maybe half decaying house. one dde was "it" & was chasing people scarily & to win we had to get a special water gun & blast him, but the guy was super experienced & while i didn't win i was one of the only survivors. anyway then the bus left without me, so i chased it all the way back to the elementary school bc my stuff was still fucking on there. i was really irritated aboutt his, but not surprised -this happened al the time i guess.

4. something about dragcave undergoing a massive website overhaul. i was still banned from talking bc i think i left a mean review on someone's dragon description when i was 13. anyway there were guilds now too. it was crazy.

5. i don't remember the first half of this - i FEEL like it was linked to dragcave somehow. anyway i'm now some hottie who can't die like the jennifer from her body, except i was blond & i think my name was mary todd or something cheesy like that. i was looking for some dude who'd just inherited the next powers of whatever. i don't know if i was gonna like kill him & absorb his powers, or put him in a position where he can grow & then kill him? it was not good motives. anyway he was just some dorky white boy in a convenience store at 11pm that seemed excited that a hottie like me would give him attention, & i followed him out to his car mentally making a list of various sex acts i could perform on him to get what i wanted out of him, but then as soon as we started driving we came under attack from giant bat demon things & i was like oh yeah whatever. if the Forces of Evil or whatever followed me they probably know this is the next guy. well whatever if he dies now he dies & i'll still eat up his powers anyway. horrific car crash. i was decapitated in the backseat, & that guy's legs were pinned in the car but his torso went through the windshield. the demons dragged him outside of the car & his arm fell off but he was still more worried about me for some reason. i got up & blasted the demons away & was like come on dude this has really ruined my outfit couldn't you try to drive safe & he kinda stared at me dumbfounded & then passed out. he'd be fine though now that the demons weren't fucking with him he'd probably recover in about 16 hours

#dreams

[menlove]

.

i know it's to do w trauma but i really truly hate how little i remember of my life... like. even other ppl i've met with trauma will tell me so many stories about their childhood or teenage years and have so many details to it. meanwhile i literally don't remember... much of anything. i remember very vague things and most of it is because i've talked about it with other people so many times that it's Become a pseudo memory, but anything i didn't talk about i don't really remember.

like i was going through my old blog yesterday, the one i had from 2014-2015 and it's actually genuinely distressing how much i do not remember. like just a small example but my boyfriend's parents bought us a blu-ray player and we've been watching first class bc i only have it on blu-ray and i told my boyfriend like haha this is the first time i'm actually watching it on blu-ray bc we never had one before so i kind of just owned it to have it and it came with a digital copy....... only to find a post on my old blog where i mentioned that i was pirating first class because i "didn't have a blu-ray player anymore" and had watched it 1000 times on the blu-ray. i literally do not remember ever owning a blu-ray, let alone watching first class on anything but pirating/streaming. and that was just smth small! i'm going through my personal posts and i remember literally fucking none of it. i would talk about girls i was crushing on and i don't remember who they are or what their names were, i would talk about shows i was watching that i'm now sitting here like i've never even fucking heard of that show. i would talk about my best friend on here, this girl named reny, and i hadn't even fucking remembered that her name was reny until now even though we were best friends for like 3 years. but i didn't remember how we met (which was apparently through roleplaying charles & erik, which i didn't even remember i had done with anyone other than my ex), i didn't remember any of our conversations, i don't even remember where she lived. i don't remember any of the classes i was talking about taking, i have misremembered so much that is clearly documented differently on that blog... i don't know anything about my own life

and it's genuinely really terrifying. like i know i Know it is a dissociative disorder of some kind to do with trauma but what bugs me is i don't know what kind and i honestly do not really Want to know.

idk. earlier i tagged a post abt younger me like she just wasn't the one that could make it to adulthood and earlier i was talking about teenage me and was like i may have been going by she/her at the time but that one has a distinctly they/them vibe and anything else feels weird. and i'm not looking into it or staring directly at it bc this is smth to discuss with a therapist (or better yet, not with anyone ever at all bc i don't want to think about it) but i genuinely do not feel like i was the one driving that body for that long. it feels like there was a young girl that died when she was 9, then there was a really depressed tween/teen that made it to 16, and after that there's been me. i have memories now, after 16, with actual substance to them. but before that? nothing. and the me that was there from 9-16 felt the same way about the kid that was 0-9 and i only know that because they talked about it. and it is! terrifying! i hate it! i don't like to think about it! i don't want to know what it means and i don't want to know how much traumatic shit i have simply just literally forgotten bc it doesn't feel like it happened to me at all.

i don't remember my life. at all. everyone else seems to. even the most traumatized of my peers will tell me stories with so much clarity and detail and they know all the names of their friends and exes and all these places they went and things they did... all i remember is where i lived and what i looked like bc i have pictures. that's it. even things like interests are all jumbled and mixed up and i thought i could at least categorize those with some accuracy, but looking at this blog... i can't. i've forgotten (like completely forgotten to the point that i do not recognize the media name) major interests. i've lost so much. i don't know how to take that.

#this is a VERY long trauma dumping post haha i love being mentally ill on a saturday night #idk i'm just really distressed looking at my old blog and idk what to do about it #other than living laughing and loving <3 <3 <3

[bemefi]

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? No, that's my mum you weirdo

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Aye

3. Have you taken someones virginity? I have

4. Is trust a big issue for you? Maybe

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? I did

6. What are you excited for? Christmas

7. What happened tonight? I worked

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Nah

9. Is confidence cute? Confidence is sexy

10. What is the last beverage you had? Apple juice

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Not many

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Aye

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Probably get high and relax

14. What are you going to spend money on next? My lunch, maybe?

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? I am!

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yeah probably

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My bestie, Jess

18. The last time you felt broken? Gee whiz, couple months ago?

19. Have you had sex today? Yes, I get fucked by life on the daily

20. Are you starting to realize anything? A few things

21. Are you in a good mood? Top of the world, never been better!

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Nah

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? They are

24. What do you want right this second? Coffee

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Um wtf

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Ney

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Also ney

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Smth my boss said

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Ya

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Ya

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? Nah

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Yaa i should hope so

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? Nuh uh

34. Listening to? Ben Howard on the juke box at work

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Nah

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? At home!

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not rly

38. Who did you last call? I rang my ex to get me more discounted shelves from his place of work

39. Who was the last person you danced with? A customer at work

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because i was leaving the house

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? I dont remember

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Not yet but probably will later!

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? All day every day

44. Do you tan in the nude? I dont tan

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Nope

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? He talked to me till he fell asleep hahaha

47. Who was the last person to call you? A colleague!

48. Do you sing in the shower? Always

49. Do you dance in the car? Also always

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Once

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Couple years ago

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Sometimes

53. Is Christmas stressful? Yes

54. Ever eat a pierogi? A what

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? None

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A solicitor

57. Do you believe in ghosts? Somewhat

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yup

59. Take a vitamin daily? Nup

60. Wear slippers? Yup

61. Wear a bath robe? A dressing gown?

62. What do you wear to bed? Varies on the weather

63. First concert? Panic at the Disco

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? None, I'm UK

65. Nike or Adidas? Nike

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos?

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? None

69. Ever take dance lessons? Morris dancing when i was teeny

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Nothing in particular? Probably hospitality industry tho

71. Can you curl your tongue? I think?

72. Ever won a spelling bee? No

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah

74. What is your favorite book? Oo tough one, i have a few favs

75. Do you study better with or without music? With

76. Regularly burn incense? Yah

77. Ever been in love? Yup

78. Who would you like to see in concert? Arctic Monkeys

79. What was the last concert you saw? Red Hot Chilli Peppers

80. Hot tea or cold tea? Neither really

81. Tea or coffee? Coffee

82. Favorite type of cookie? White choc chip

83. Can you swim well? Nope

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yep

85. Are you patient? Can be

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Hmm, both?

87. Ever won a contest? Yah

88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nope

89. Which are better black or green olives? None

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Nothing wrong with it

91. Best room for a fireplace? Living room! Or bedroom!

92. Do you want to get married? Nuh uh