#I posted my face and my inbox is FLOODED with anons

[purplekiwis]

𝑲𝒊𝒔𝒔𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆

Summary: While they're on opposite ends of the social spectrum, Y/N and Harry have been the closest of friends for years. But could it be that an all-night working session for a science project helps them break out of the friendzone?

Genre: Friends to Lovers | Nerd!Harry x Badgirl!Y/N

Warnings: SMUT | Self-Deprication | This is coming-of-age story. There's no mention of their age but both characters are in their last year of high school (just a heads up in case someone doesn't want to read because of that)

Wordcount: 10k

A/N: ok y'all, so i have made a mistake.

i was like 99% sure there was a request in my inbox asking for a blurb where harry was nerdy? i found it interesting so i started working on it... only to realize halfway into things that that was not in fact what was written in the request 😅

i figured i might as well post it anyways since i wrote it but yeah... i'm sorry, anon! i (now) know you wanted subby!harry, but all i have to give you is nerd!harry (don't worry, i made him a lil subby just for you 🤫)

also, before y'all flood my inbox with asks about the non finished fics (rightfully so) i hear you and i'm very, very sorry for the lack of updates. i had to take a break because i kept feeling like the texts i could come up with weren't good enough for the stories i wanted to tell. i still partly feel that way, but i'm hoping the lack of real harry content will inspire me to write more in the near future. thank you for reading my dumb little stories, i love you 💖

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Harry was never too fond of grocery shopping.

He really didn’t like the whole “put things inside the cart, remove things from the cart at the cashier, bag them, put them back into the cart, get them in the car, take them out of the car, bring them inside and put them away” process.

It was extremely inconvenient to him.

It was also very time-consuming, though Harry believed this particular belief of his was directly influenced by having to grocery shop with his grandparents every other day.

Naturally, they were slower than he was, so he'd just drag his feet behind them, push the cart and wait for them to ask him to grab something from the shelves that their aging pains no longer allowed them to reach.

That part was fine, what bore him the most was how easily they got sidetracked by trinkets that weren’t on the shopping list. Oh! And how they always managed to locate a random old couple they knew from God knows where who engaged them in talks that appeared to stretch for hours.

Harry would try and make up reasons not to go with them sometimes, but he always felt a little guilty about it afterwards. After all, it was a very small favor for him to help his grandparents with their groceries, considering they had been the ones to provide him with a loving home after his parents failed to do so.

People always seemed to feel sorry for him when they found out he'd grown up without his “real parents” around, but he'd never had reasons to complain, really. Unlike his parents, Joe and Martha had always treated him nicely and made him feel genuinely loved.

They were a little overprotective at times, but like Y/N always said, that was probably because they were retired and watched too much TV.

Speaking of Y/N, Harry didn't hate grocery shopping with her so much. He even kind of enjoyed it as long as the space wasn't too crowded. That day it wasn’t, which he was extremely thankful for because it reduced the chances of them bumping into any familiar faces who might ask about his grandparents, or if the pretty girl he was with was his girlfriend.

That’s another thing he detested about running into people his grandparents were friends with - they loved to pester him with indiscreet questions about his love life that made him go red-faced. It was even worse when he happened to be with Y/N during those times; fortunately, she was always a bit clueless about it. Harry guessed that the reason for that was that she was so comfortable with their friendship that she wasn't even aware of what was going on… even if she thought it a little odd that he kept introducing her as his neighbor even though they weren't neighbors anymore.

Despite the fact that they no longer lived next door to each other, Y/N was still a frequent visitor at Harry’s house. Ever since his family relocated to a different area of the city, it had become custom for her to spend the night whenever the two had group projects to complete.

Their journey was always the same. As soon as they got off the bus from school, they would head to the supermarket to stock up on frozen pizzas and late-night goodies to help them through the long hours they’d be spending working on their computers.

They'd just grabbed their pizzas, as well as another two for his grandparents since pizza happened to be one of the few fast foods that they tolerated, and were now wandering around the drinks aisle looking at the options.

“Do you think your grandma would notice if we hid one of these in your backpack?” Asked the ex-neighbor, Y/N. The smile on her face, coupled with her mischievous gaze got him figuring she was up to no good… even before he noticed the bottle of whatever alcoholic beverage she was holding.

The idea startled him a little more than he'd like to admit. “Don’t start! And put it back before anyone sees you.”

The way his body jumped made Y/N laugh as she set the bottle back on its shelf. “Relax, okay? I was only messing with you... I knew you'd be too chicken to do it. But just so you know, they don't even ask for an ID most times.”

He replied to her with a headshake. “You're not as cool as you think just because you get drunk with your other friends every once in a while.” She didn’t seem too pleased by his remark, but Harry figured that by now she ought to know he didn't mean most of what he said when he was stressed. “You can get an iced tea… or a pepsi… or even that weird-flavored soda you like.”

“Fine.”

Harry noticed that even after he allowed her to pick the drink they’d be having later, Y/N still didn't seem particularly happy with him. She trailed behind him in silence while he pushed the cart around and didn't even appear to care when they walked past the shelf where her favorite snack was.

“Did you know that statistically, people who start drinking in their teens have a 5 times higher likelihood of becoming alcoholics than those who only start later?” Harry knew it probably wasn't the best conversation topic to get her to talk to him, but it was the only thing that came to mind in the moment.

“Did you know that stating facts like that makes you look 1000 times more of a nerd than you already are?”

Harry snorted at her retort. “You didn't seem to mind me being a nerd when you asked me to work on the review paper with you.”

“I do every school project with you, why should this be any different?”

He smirked at that. It was true. He and Y/N had attended every academic year together since they first met in elementary school, and they had managed to enroll in almost all of the same classes each time. They were currently in their senior year of high school, and their friendship was still pretty solid despite their different personalities and social interests.

Y/N was in the midst of a rebellious phase. In the beginning it all had been quite harmless, with her obsession with dyeing the ends of her hair crazy colors and pairing fishnets with knee socks. That somehow led her into starting to hang out with people Harry considered to be a little unnerving.

He wasn't sure what exactly made him nervous about them... Maybe it was because he was a little resentful over having to “compete” for Y/N's attention and feared he would one day completely lose her to them, given that they were undoubtedly the cooler part of the equation. Perhaps part of it was also because those people reminded him of the kind who used to bully him for being a dork when he was younger. Thankfully, he wasn't being bullied as much anymore, but he still didn't have many friends.

He also barely interacted with girls, as one might expect. There were times he had crushes, but he was always afraid to talk to them, so things never really progressed anywhere. Thus, Y/N was really Harry's only female friend.

He confesses sometimes he was surprised she still wanted to hang out with him as much as she did. When she became popular, Harry naturally assumed she would ditch him for social status reasons, but that never happened, which was a big relief to him since he really liked having her around.

They were both geeky, so they watched a lot of sci-fi movies and played video games together... but when it came to other things, they were a little different. Y/N had a much better sense of style, was much more social, and enjoyed doing dumb things like smoking weed and getting drunk behind her parents’ backs.

Harry had never really understood the appeal of it. In fact, his lack of interest in participating in grown-up stuff sometimes worried him a bit, but again... it wasn’t like he wasn’t curious.

There were a few times when he thought it would be cool if he could hang out with Y/N and her friends, go out drinking, dance, and maybe, just maybe, if he was very very lucky, even get to kiss someone on the mouth.

But then he always ended up reasoning that people like him weren't welcome at parties and that if he ever dared to step foot into one he'd probably end up being the butt of everyone’s jokes.

Even knowing so, he couldn't help fantasizing about it… especially the last part. Yes, Harry definitely thought about intimacy a lot more than he'd ever be willing to admit… and he also pondered a lot about how being practically invisible to girls sucked… and about how much he wished one would give him a chance.

He was aware of his issues, however. He knew he wasn’t exactly the hottest guy around. His haircut and clothing were out of style, mostly because he lacked the confidence to mess with his looks and follow the trends the way other people did. He’d buy new t-shirts sometimes; the only thing was that they almost always had videogame-related designs which obviously didn't do his style much good.

But it wasn’t all bad. Harry knew he had nice eyes… he just couldn't get the girls to come close enough to notice them. He figured the way he mostly stared at the floor when he walked, along with the thick glasses he had been wearing since his childhood had also taken part in preventing people from noticing how exquisite his peepers were.

He thought Y/N had nice peepers as well, and he liked the way she accentuated them with make-up… even when her eyeliner turned out a little uneven or got smudgy because she forgot she had it on and rubbed her eyes with her fingers.

She'd been doing that a lot in the last hour they'd been working on their paper, which was making Harry feel a little bad.

It had been a good while since they had returned from the supermarket. The issue was that when they arrived at his house, they found Harry's grandparents working in the backyard. And while Harry had never been a fan of getting his hands dirty in the garden, Y/N thought it would be nice to offer to help, so they ended up spending a good chunk of their afternoon pulling weeds and pruning flower bushes.

And then, since it was already close to dinner time when they finished, they decided it would be best to begin working on the paper after eating and showering the gardening sweat off their bodies. That plan was shelved, however, because Harry really wanted to play Mortal Kombat since it was multiplayer, and he rarely had anyone to play it with. So they wound up wasting an additional hour on that.

Normally, by that time in the evening Y/N would already be working on her part, but as they'd started late, she wasn't. Also, being the control freak he was, Harry always wanted to be the one in charge of the research portion of any papers they worked on. Leaving the final task of writing and flourishing to Y/N.

So the poor girl had been sitting next to him in bed for hours, watching him go through articles on his laptop.

Harry could tell by the increased frequency of her yawns that her battery was running low, so he wasn't the least bit surprised when he heard her hesitantly ask, “Are you planning on staying up working much longer? Aren’t you getting tired?”

“Um… not really. I came across this really interesting essay on our subject and want to make sure we gather all of their data.” He was so preoccupied with copying and pasting that he didn't even look away from the screen as he replied to the question. “It's a shame we don’t have any hot springs nearby... wouldn't it be cool if we could actually collect samples of these microbes to study them in the lab?”

“Are you for real?” She looked at him like he was crazy as she let her back slide halfway down the headboard. “You’re telling me that you really find water microbes that intriguing?”

“Not all of them, it’s just that I’d never considered the possibility that there could be species growing and thriving in actual boiling water… since, you know, that’s what’s supposed to kill them.”

“I didn’t find it so surprising, which is making me wonder if it could be that I’m smarter than you...”

“Not a chance.” Due to the silence that followed his teasing, Harry realized that Y/N was nearing sleep but was resisting in order to maintain her supportive role. “Should I go get the air mattress to make your bed?”

“I can't sleep. I haven't done my part yet.”

“It's fine; we still have the entire day tomorrow to finish.”

“Don't bother with me if you’re focused on the paper. I just need rest my eyes a bit, but I won’t fall asleep.” She promised, but Harry knew better than to believe her. “You don't mind if I cover up with your sheets, right? Your room’s a bit chilly.”

“No, not at all.” He didn't mind it, in fact, he even found it a little exciting. Not in a pervy way, but it felt good to know that a pretty girl would be laying in his bed and would most likely leave a bit of her girly scent on it. Harry tried not to dwell on those kinds of thoughts over Y/N too much, but of course he thought she was pretty. He wasn’t that blind.

He hadn't always felt that way. For a long while Harry just thought of her as his best friend, but she'd grown into her curves in the last couple of years and he would be lying if he said his eyes and mind didn't occasionally wander. He felt a little bad about it, but it wasn't like he was ever going to do anything other than fantasize, so he supposed it was alright… as long as she didn’t catch on.

Truth be told, he’d always liked Y/N’s personality, but as of recently her looks and the way she dressed had also made her the type of girl he was attracted to on the outside. Yes, it was always the girls who wore alternative clothing and scowled at people like they wanted to break their nose that caught his eye.

He was aware that his preference sounded extremely stereotypical coming from a shy loser like him, but it wasn’t like he could help what he was keen on… or the way his body warmed up whenever he felt the pressure of Y/N’s soft boobs against his side.

“Is the entire chapter on Volcanic Islands really necessary?” She asked, leaning further into him so she could see the laptop screen despite being laid down.

“I'm not sure if it's necessary, but I thought we should at least mention these two hot spring locations since they keep coming up in the articles.” He could feel her sigh of defeat on his arm. “It’s already halfway done. I've already gotten all the info about Iceland… now all that's left is this tiny archipelago from Portugal.” With that, Harry rushed to type the final location on the Google search bar but was taken aback by Y/N's chuckling, that seemed to come out of nowhere. “What are you laughing at?”

“Do you not know how to delete your browsing history?” She asked him, still laughing.

Harry's brows furrowed slightly, but he smiled along. “Huh, why? Seriously random that.”

“Random, really? I may only be half awake, but I can still see.”

“See what?”

“See Pornhub come up on your suggestions when you started typing Portugal.” Harry's face dropped instantly. Then, with a harsh slam, he shut his laptop lid. He could feel his entire body tensing up just as a blazing sensation swept across his face, hotter than he'd ever felt before. “Harry, relax! You look like you’re about to blow up!” Y/N remarked when she saw him like that. She seemed rather worried about it as she clung to his arm to try to calm him down. “Hey, look at me, this isn’t a bad thing. You don't have to-”

Before she could say anything else, Harry curled up in a ball, covered his face with his sheets and muttered, “Yes it is. It’s embarrassing.” Honestly, even that felt like a tame word to describe how he was feeling. This was, hands down, one of the most awkward circumstances he’d ever been in. He wasn't prepared to deal with it, so he chose to remain hidden and avoid further conversation.

He knew he'd have to come out at some point, but he couldn’t bear the thought of facing Y/N knowing that she knew he watched porn and wanked. It was making him feel all kinds of yucky, which was why he was a bit shocked by what happened right after.

Y/N ventured under the sheets after him, and eventually nestled into his side. The warmth felt nice, but being so close to her was weird. He liked it a lot, but it also made him feel worse at the same time, given that she'd been the catalyst for his breakdown in the first place and all that. Plus, he still couldn't wrap his head around why she wanted to touch him when he felt so icky.

Despite the fact that they were right next to each other, it took a while for one of them to venture breaking the silence. By the time Harry tried, he had a dry mouth, so he had to swallow first. “I know it’s not your fault, but I'd honestly rather you hadn't said anything because knowing you saw is making me feel really gross.”

His faltering whispers seemed to stun Y/N a little, as if she'd already accepted that they wouldn't be talking for the rest of the night. “There's no need for you to feel that way… especially not with me.” She returned his hushed words. “I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you'd get like this. I was just trying to be funny.”

“I know, but it still bothers me.” Harry was a little surprised by how at ease he felt speaking in quiet whispers while hiding under his covers. For some reason, talking to Y/N in this setting wasn’t as mortifying as he'd anticipated. “And just to be clear, I have no idea how that stupid website ended up in my suggestions. I always use incognito mode for that stuff.”

He couldn't see her, but he could feel her shrug. “You must have forgotten to open a new tab at some point. It has happened to me before.”

“Oh. So. You watch it too?”

“Doesn't everybody, at least once in a while?”

“I don’t know… I suppose they must, yeah.” They both fell quiet for a bit, but not for longer than a few breaths as Harry felt the urge to clarify something. “I don't want you to think I'm a perv, though. I don't watch it all that often… not the kind of stuff that you’re probably thinking I watch, anyway.”

“What do you think I think you watch?”

“I don’t know, like… classic, scripted porn… you know, the typical “oh no, I’m stuck!” cringe stuff that always shows up on the main page.”

“Um… I’ll be honest, you’ve always came across as more of a Hentai guy to me. And before you say anything, this isn't just me calling you a weeaboo. I’ve watched my share too and overall I think it's much better than that other porn you were talking about.”

“Yeah, fine... I'll admit that I like Hentai, but it’s not all I watch.” Harry wasn't sure why he suddenly felt so keen on sharing, but he was really enjoying their conversation. He found the topic interesting, and he'd never had the chance to discuss it with anybody in person before so… it was fun. And, on top of that, Y/N was disclosing a bit too and he liked that he was getting to know this part of her as well. “Do you know what audio porn is?” She hummed and nodded yes. “Cool, so, there’s this category called ‘guided masturbation’ that’s basically just girls talking and telling you what to do. There’s no visual content really, but it has a very intimate feel to it that I like... almost as if you're on the phone with someone.”

“That's interesting, actually. I always thought that audio porn mostly for women, since, you know... everyone says men are visual creatures.” She shifted her weight slightly, turning towards him. “But you still find real naked girls hot, right? the sight of them?”

“Well, of course. I’d be worried if that wasn’t the case.” Her question struck Harry a little, but he liked that she was acting curious and asking him things. “Honestly, I think the reason why I don't watch more regular porn is because I can't picture myself living out the fantasies. I don’t know, it’s weird to explain.”

“You can’t picture yourself in a sexy plumber costume ready to unclog a hot milf’s pipes?”

Harry snorted. “You're joking, but that's pretty much what it is.”

She hummed as she drew closer to him on the bed. This time her, placing her head into the crook of his arm. Her mouth was closer to Harry's ear in this position, although he wasn't aware of this until he heard, and felt, her whisper again. “Is that why you like it when girls tell you what to do? because it seems a little more plausible?”

Harry wasn't usually one to cuss, but shit. Hearing her whisper that somewhat snarky question so close to his ear struck a chord with him. It was freaking hot and kind of reminded him a bit of the audios he liked. Obviously, it wasn't as explicit, but it was better in many ways. A huge downside to the experience, however, was that it was extremely difficult to concentrate afterward. In fact, in the midst of his thoughts, Harry almost forgot to reply. “Um… I guess? I’m sorry, I kind of forgot what the question was.”

“No, it’s all good. I’m sure you must be getting tired.” With that, Y/N crawled out from under the covers. As she did so, her hand stumbled onto Harry’s toppled over laptop. “Oh, I didn’t even notice this was here. We should probably turn it off, right? Assuming you don't want to keep working after this.”

Harry also came out from hiding and sat up in a position similar to hers, with his legs partially covered by the covers. As his eyes re-acclimated to the brightness of the room, he massaged them a little. “Sure. I’ll just need a moment to, uh… make sure the file got saved properly, if that’s okay.”

Taking advantage of his temporary blindness, Y/N snatched his pillow from his side of the bed. She tucked it under herself and slid back under the sheets. “I've got a comfy bed already so… feel free to take as much time as you need.”

He laughed at her antics as he readjusted the laptop over his legs and opened it. Turns out the file had been autosaved, but Harry still saved it once more before switching off his computer and setting it over his desk. “Yeah, that's fine. I don’t mind giving you my bed for the night and sleeping on the air mattress for a change.”

“Or you could spare yourself and sleep right there instead of stressing about which one of us will be sleeping on the floor.”

Her offer caused his eyebrows to rise, but he wasn't sure if that was a good thing to do. He liked the idea of it but was a little concerned about accidentally doing something embarrassing in the middle of the night. What if he made a toot? Or worse, had a wet dream? He hadn't had any recently, but one never knew when it might start happening again. In any case, he'd probably wake up with a stupid morning wood as usual, which was something that he could typically make go away before he got up when Y/N was around… but if she was going to sleep next to him, wasn’t there a chance she could tell? That prospect made him terrified. “Um… I'm not sure that I'm a good sleep partner; My grandma says I used to move a lot in my sleep when I was small.”

“Oh. I don’t mind. I just really don't want to go to sleep by myself for some reason.” Y/N shrugged, leaving him unsure of what to say next. It was already difficult to say no when it wasn’t what he wanted to say, but it became nearly impossible when he looked at her and met her begging eyes.

Well then, if she was being so casual about it, he figured it must not be that common for people to do humiliating things in their sleep, contrary to what he had previously been led to believe by his insecurities. The other factor that was pushing him to say yes was that having to get up to grab the air mattress from the attic and make Y/N a bed sounded a little too demanding for how lazy he was feeling. His bed wasn't even tiny either, so they'd have plenty of room to spread out without troubling one another throughout the night. “Ok, alright. But don't grumble tomorrow about having trouble falling asleep because of me. This was entirely your idea.”  

“I don’t grumble.” He made sure to let her see his eyeroll before turning off the lights and getting into bed with a second pillow for himself. No one said anything for a bit, they were just adjusting their positions in search for the most comfortable one. Harry was still wide-awake, but he believed it wouldn't be long until Y/N fell asleep. She was already close to when they were working on the paper, so it shouldn't take long at all.

She proved him wrong, though, when she blurted out something after minutes of being quiet. “I have another question for you...”

“Oh. What’s that?”

Harry saw a shadow that he believed to be her head poking up from the pillow, propped on what should be her arm. Her voice sounded quite chirpy too, which meant he’d probably underestimated how awake and willing to chat his friend actually was. “Have you ever… like, kissed anyone?”

“That’s so random.” It was during times like these that Harry wished he could travel back in time. If he could turn back the clock and pretend to be asleep two seconds ago when Y/N asked if she could ask him a question, he wouldn’t even think twice. Heck, he'd even pretend to snore if it meant not having to respond but alas, since Harry didn’t have any time travel abilities, that wasn’t an option anymore. She knew he was awake and was anxiously awaiting his response. “You're quite random sometimes, Y/N...”

Her voice was hushed, yet a little taunting. “That’s not an answer.”

Harry sighed, realizing she wasn't going to let him off the hook until he participated in the discussion she wanted to have. “Alright, then… define kissing... does something like a peck qualify?”

“No, Harry. I'm talking about actual kissing. Tongue and all.”

“Oh um. I knew that, obviously.”

“And did you do it or not?”

“Yeah I, uh. I've kissed...” His words stumbled slightly. They didn't come out as cool or confident as he’d hoped, but he did try to make his statement sound plausible. “But it wasn’t with a lot of tongue... just like, a little bit.”

Y/N let out a snort at his unconvincing answer. “You’re a shit liar, but fine. I used to lie about it too when people asked me.” Rather than defending himself, Harry didn't say anything, which told his friend all she needed to know. “Is it something you think about, though? would you like to do it?”

“Well, yeah… of course I’d like to. Even some of the guys I hang out with have done it... and you’ve seen them.” Harry felt a bit mean making that remark about his friends' looks. Obviously, he wanted them to have someone who liked them, but that didn’t change the fact that none of them had much going in terms of physical appeal. “I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I know I’m the problem and that the reason why I haven’t kissed yet is because I’m not a kissable person. My only hope is that things will change once we start college. I don't know if I ever told you before, but I would really like to get contacts soon. I was also thinking it could be nice to start exercising more just so clothes would fit me better. What do you think? It should help, right?”

Even in total darkness, Harry could tell that Y/N's eyebrows were deeply furrowed by her tone of voice. “Who was it that told you you weren't kissable?”

“Nobody needed to tell me. I see myself every time I look in the mirror. I dress like my grandpa and have a bit of a hunch like him too.”

“I think you're mistaking being unattractive for wearing clothes that aren’t particularly flattering. It's very different.” Harry knew she couldn't see it, but he was kissing his teeth at what she’d said. “If the reason why you want to make those changes is to feel better about yourself, then you have my full support… I do, however, have a feeling that’s not all it is, so I hope you realize that you don’t have to bend over backwards to be likable or kissable, or anything else. You already are all of those things exactly as you are.”

“I appreciate you sugarcoating things in order to cheer me up but if what you are saying were true, and I was fine the way I am, I wouldn't have this much trouble finding someone who saw that in me.” He sighed, a little annoyed by her efforts. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s hard for me to believe you’ll ever understand what it feels like to be me. You’re like... the coolest, most kissable girl ever.”

There was a slight click, and suddenly the room got soaked in an orange light that caused Harry to squint despite his familiarity with it. His bedside table lamp was on, and Y/N was staring at him in awe. “You think I’m kissable?”

Crap. Had he really blurted it out that way? He couldn't recall the precise words he had used, but it seemed unlikely that Y/N was asking him that for no reason. She looked very taken aback by what she’d heard, and Harry, who still hadn't a clue how he’d managed to put his foot in it yet again, felt his face turn red and his tongue stutter once more. “Not in a weird way! Maybe I phrased it in a way that made it seem like I was being weird, but it was just a form of expression. Not that what I said isn’t true, but I would never say it like that. Even if I wanted to kiss you, which has never crossed my mind until now, really. I don't know why my brain decided to picture that ridiculous scenario all of sudden.”

“Hm.” Y/N’s gaze was drawn to her hands as he finished. Harry observed that she was picking at her nail polish, which was rather unusual for her unless she was getting nervous. “Is it really that ridiculous? I mean, if you wanted to, I wouldn't mind...”

His forehead wrinkled. “Why? Because you feel sorry for me?”

“No Harry, because I'd like to.”

“Me? You’d like to kiss me? Why?”

Y/N shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know.” Her tone was a little hesitant, but she carried on. “Aff, okay… screw it. I might as well tell you since we’re talking about it. So, I, uh. I have a bit of a thing for you. I’ve had it for a while, but it was never too serious… just a little crush since well, I never really felt like there was a real possibility that it could be reciprocated. That’s why I didn’t tell you sooner, that and because I wasn't sure how things would turn out if you rejected me so… I figured it would be best not to say anything.” She shrugged once more, as a small smile formed on her lips. “You’ve also never mentioned having any crushes or expressed attraction for anyone in particular, so I thought maybe you weren't interested in that type of stuff much.”

“Yeah, right.” Harry rolled over in bed, facing away from her. It wasn’t unusual of Y/N to play practical jokes on him from time to time, but this one did not go over well with him. It seriously screwed with his self-esteem and since it was her, he could have easily been tricked into admitting something regarding his feelings, what made it even worse. “I know you’re taking the piss and I don’t think it’s funny at all.”

“Why would I be taking the piss? Do you really think I'd joke about something like this? And look at me when I'm speaking to you!” She pulled on his shoulder, compelling him to lie onto his back so she could at least see his face.

Harry complied with her, but not without a groan. “I'm serious Y/N. If you’re trolling, this is your one chance to say so ‘cause If I find out later that you were doing this to trick me or to see me make a fool of myself or to get me flustered, I'm going to get really, really angry at you.”

“I may play a lot of dumb jokes, but I don't play with people's feelings like that… let alone my friends' feelings. I'm dead serious, Harry. It's really not that hard to see it if you think a little.” She huffed, upset that he wasn’t taking her seriously. She'd guessed he’d act a little wary at first but hadn't expected him to think she was pulling a prank on him. How could he have missed that she had a thing for him anyway, with how touchy she was when they were alone together? With her acting so eager to be his first kiss? She'd been shit at hiding it for years. It was so clear. “Do you remember that time when we were 9, my parents took us to a fancy playground with boats and there was a girl there who had a Nintendo but wouldn't let me play with it, she would only let you, so I snatched it from your hands?”

"Yeah, I remember.” As he replied, Harry was unable to stop himself from letting out small laugh at the memory. “And then you threw it in the water because you'd heard from someone at school that Nintendo’s were waterproof. All the parents got so mad, and the girl wouldn't stop crying. It was awful.”

“Yeah, that. Except, I never really thought that they were waterproof. I did it because she was pretty... and it made me upset that you’d replaced me with her and left me to play alone, despite her being mean to me.” Y/N admitted, also laughing and shaking her head a bit at her childish antics. “Obviously I didn't know back then what being jealous was, but I think about that day a lot... it makes me feel embarrassed of what I did, but it also makes me realize that I've always been really possessive of you. I think if you'd turn out to have many girlfriends you would have realized much sooner that my feelings for you weren't just friendly ones.”

“Wow. Was that really what that was?” Harry was stupefied and Y/N couldn't not giggle at his open mouthed reaction. “I’m sorry, it’s just… this whole thing is really confusing. My head is spinning a bit and... being completely honest, part of me still thinks that you’re joking but at the same time, you seem serious enough so I’m gonna choose to believe you. Even if I have no idea why you'd like me that way, other than maybe ‘cause I have green eyes and am tall.

“The hair too. Don't forget your fluffy hair.” She added playfully. “No but, I like all of those things obviously, but they aren’t the reason why I like you. I just do. There’s no logical explanation for it.”

“Yeah, um. That makes sense. I mean, not really but I think I understand that feeling you were describing and… I can kind of relate to it too since I've kind of had a small crush too since last year… or well, I've realized last year... back when you were dating that Joshua guy. It made me a little jealous. I’ve always thought it was silly though, so I tried not to think about it too much.” Harry acknowledged, albeit doing it with more trepidation and delay than Y/N had. “I've had other crushes too, but they were on girls I never talked to so... they didn’t last too long.”

“Wait so… you’ve had a crush too? since that long?”

“I- uh.. I have. Yeah.”

“You must be really good at hiding your feelings then, because I never noticed anything that suggested that, much less that you were jealous. Trust me, if I had any inkling I would’ve had this conversation with you last year instead of doing what I did. I didn’t even like Joshua much… I just wanted to have someone.” She pursed her lips in a mournful smile before reaching out for Harry's hand. It wasn’t the first time that their hands had brushed, but this time something in Harry's chest was sparked by her touch, making him feel both ecstatic and stiff at the same time. “It's nice that you've had other crushes, though. I think I'd be more upset if I found out you'd been caught up on me all this time and I'd just been completely unaware of it. With that said, I don't want you thinking about other girls now. Only me.”

“Yeah, okay. Just you. I like how that sounds a lot.” Harry had no idea what had possessed him, but he felt compelled to bring her hand to his mouth and kiss it. His gesture made her giggle, but he got somewhat self-conscious afterwards. “Was that lame? Probably, right?”

“No, it was cute. I loved it.” She reciprocated by lifting his hand to her mouth and placing a kiss over his knuckles. “Is there anywhere else you’d like me to kiss?”

With a tentative smile, he gave her a direct glance before nodding. Y/N scooted a bit closer to him but as they got closer, Harry's body tightened a little. He couldn't take his eyes off her lips, yet the sight of the rosy, fluffy cushions was giving him pause. “I’m sorry if I’m not… uh… if I don’t know how to...”

She gave his cheek a comforting caress. “That’s fine, but are you okay? You’re shaking a bit.”

Harry laughed, feeling rather frustrated with himself. “Yeah, um… sorry about that. I'm just really nervous.”

“It can wait if you're not ready.” Y/N made a point of assuring him, even though she had a feeling that waiting wasn't what Harry wanted. He was just nervous, which was totally normal for someone who was about to get their first kiss. The most she could do was try to make him a bit calmer. “Is there anything specific that you're worried about?”

“No, I’m ready. It's just a bit overwhelming. This is all so alien to me… knowing you like me and all, it’s a lot for my nervous system to handle.” Y/N couldn’t not frown a bit at how adorable he was as she listened. “I- I'm also a little in over my head, thinking I probably won’t be as good as the boys you've kissed before.”

“You don't have to worry about that, really. Trying stuff until you figure out what makes the other person melt is one of the most fun parts.” She assured, before giving his hand another kiss. “We’ll learn that from one another, okay?”

Harry nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

Upon his approval, Y/N pulled herself closer and higher, until her face was barely above his. They both smiled as she rubbed her nose against his... once, twice, and then it happened. She dropped her head just enough for their lips to touch.

Her tenderness and Harry's stomach-bursting butterflies were in stark contrast, making for a bizarre, yet fascinating combination of sensations.

They weren't quite in time with one another's lips but their kiss was free flowing. And it felt flawless, akin to a Vivaldi concerto or a Michelangelo masterpiece. There was something alarming about it too, however. Suddenly, Harry could feel the relatively insignificant seed of love that Y/N had planted in his heart blossom into a giant sequoia tree. And he couldn't, for the life of him, fathom the possibility of having shared a moment as nice with anyone else.

He was truly loving whatever love spell she was casting on his body with her kissing, which is why he couldn't help but let out a low whimper when he felt their lips unglue from her pulling away. “Why did you- why did you stop?”

“Your stupid glasses are getting in my way.” She explained as she carefully started pulling them off his face. “Here, much better.” As soon as she was done placing his glasses over the nightstand, she raised her leg and straddled him. Well, sort of. It was more of an embrace; except she was laying on top of him. “This is okay, right? Not too much pressure?”

“Mh-mm. Better. Thank you.” Harry's face was flushed, and he couldn't stop smiling as he stared at her. She was so pretty, and her tummy against his felt so cozy. It was still hard to believe he had kissed her, but the sensation on his lips confirmed it was real, despite how uncanny it all felt. “I like this a lot, being this close to you.”

“Me too.” She ran her fingertips across his blushing skin. “You're so cute like this. I should’ve kissed you way sooner. You seem to like it too, don't you?”

“Mh-mm. I really do.” Harry desperately wanted more kisses from her, but he was still a little too unsure of himself to initiate. Besides, he’d really liked when she took initiative earlier and led the way so that’s what he wanted to happen again. “I’d like to do it some more, if that’s okay...”

Y/N smiled at his request, but wasted no time before she leaned in to taste his lips again.

It was mostly just smooches that they were trading, but that didn’t keep her from taking a nibble here and there. Harry was very responsive to her nibbles, which she appreciated. She’d never been with a boy who got whimpery and breathy just from making out before, but she found it to be incredibly encouraging and arousing.

What made it extra hot was knowing he wasn't doing it on purpose because he knew girls liked stuff like that. It was just how his body was reacting to her. She was also well aware that her kisses had gotten him bricked up instantaneously. His warm stiffness was palpable between her thighs, despite being covered by his pajama bottoms.

If it had been any of the boys she’d kissed before, the erection would have freaked her out a bit, but as it was Harry she thought it was cute that he was so excited. He wasn't the only one feeling this way though. The damp panties she had on served as a casual reminder that she was getting quite excited as well.

Despite her wants, Y/N had been doing a great job of controlling herself… only that task became much more challenging when Harry started getting more comfortable, more intuitive, and by default, touchier. At some point in the course of their kissing, he’d started sliding his hands up her back and, on occasion, giving her hips a squeeze. He'd noticed she was pleased by this, so he worked up the nerve to lower his hands to her bum and squeeze her there too.

“Not feeling so shy anymore, are you?” Y/N playfully teased, to which Harry responded by smiling and hiding his face by pulling her in for a hug. It hadn't been her intention to rub up on him, but he’d drew her in so close that their bellies were flush together, so when she shifted next he felt it on his crotch… and moaned, all deep and throaty. They stared at each other, until Y/N turned her mouth to Harry's ear and asked, “Do you want this? want me to do it again?”

His nodding was quick. “Just don't go too fast, ‘cause uh... might feel too good.”

“Okay, got it.” She said, then held onto the pillow under Harry’s head, nails digging into fabric as she began to move slowly on top of him. Rolling her hips to press down on the bulge in his pants. The pressure on her clit was both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it was a relief to finally have a way to sooth some of the built-up tension, but on the other, it made her yearn for more friction. She was being good and taking it nice and slow like Harry had asked though.

Still, she could feel his heavy, strained breathing against her skin. “Mm, it's too much, feels… too good. Ah-” He moaned again, once her fingers gripped at the roots of his hair.

“Shh, quiet.” Y/N covered his mouth and smiled. “I love your moans, but we have to keep it quiet.” She said, before removing her hand from his mouth and putting her lips in its place.

“I know, sorry.” Harry replied once she broke their kiss. “If I get loud again, you can repeat that hand thing if you want… it was hot.”

“Hmm, was it?” She returned her hand to his lips, but this time she allowed two fingers to go inside and prod into his mouth, that he was keeping slightly ajar for her. “That’s good, Harry. You're a natural at this, I think.” She had been straddling him with her body leaning over his, but she sat upright for a moment to appreciate how adorable he looked with her fingers in his mouth from farther away. As soon as he saw her eyes fixed on him, his lips encircled her fingers, and his tongue began to softly wriggle between them. “Mh-m... that's it. Just like that.”

As she started moving her hips again, Harry's hands shot to her waist, to hold her as she rutted against him. This gave her more balance, so she ramped up the pace, rubbing harder and faster to create the desired friction for her. The change caught up with Harry quickly, who began groan restlessly into her fingers in response. She pulled them off to let him speak. “S-slow... please go slower. If you don't, I'll-”

“Make a mess. I know. Give me your hands.” As per Y/N’s request, Harry slid his hands away from her waist and held them up between their bodies. Y/N took them, entwined their fingers together and then without warning, allowed her weight to fall forward, successfully pinning him to the bed. “I know you want to, but you're ashamed about doing it in your underwear. So, I was thinking… if I keep you like this and force it out of you, maybe you won't feel so bad about wanting it anymore. What do you say?”

“I just don't want to get you dirty, that's all. I thought I could keep it under control a little better, but I can't. It feels so much better than my hand.” Harry acknowledged, smiling shyly. “That sounds hot, though… the idea of you forcing it.”

“I know but don't worry about getting me dirty. I brought extra pjs.” She gave him a reassuring smile and squeezed his hands. “So…you want to do it, then? Since you think it’s hot…”

A delaying groan rumbled in his throat before his lips parted into a broad smile, the kind of smile you make when you’re on the verge of breaking into laugher. “I’m going be so embarrassed about this tomorrow, but yeah. I want to.”

Y/N shook her head at him, grinning. “Don't. I've always wanted to do this. It's a bit of a fantasy of mine, I guess.” She didn’t give him a chance to react to her confession, as she started rutting against his cock again. This time she wasn’t being gentle or avoiding any harsh friction. Her movements were quicker and jerkier than they had been before, and she tightened her hold on his hands as well. She had a hunch Harry liked the feeling of being held down and used, so that's what she was doing.

He was shivering beneath her, taking fast breaths through his mouth as he looked her in the eyes. The poor baby couldn’t stay quiet for the life of him, either. His whimpers and groans were unrelenting, so she was bound to muffle him once more.

His now-free hand joined hers over his mouth, but it didn’t linger there for long since he took hold of her wrist and started guiding it downward. “My neck,” He pleaded lowly, his voice trembling. “…want your hand on my neck.”

She gave him a devilish smirk before grabbing his throat. She only needed to hold him still; there was no need to squeeze or do anything else. “And I want your cum,” she told him, hoping that slipping in a few dirty words in combination with her movements would make him snap. “…want my thighs all wet and sticky from it.”

Harry’s legs jerked beneath her. “Close,” He warned, a little startled. “So, so close…” The fact that she could not only hear him but also feel his words on his throat as he spoke was incredibly arousing. “Please…” He pled sweetly, what triggered a sudden desire in Y/N's chest to be closer. She released her hold on his throat and hugged him tight as she drove her hips into his, rutting violently to make him orgasm.

It worked.

Between her thighs, Y/N could feel his warm juices seeping through the material of her pajamas. So she kept rutting, wanting to make sure she had extracted every last drop of them.

Harry returned her tight hug all the way through his climax, and he didn’t let go after either. They remained in that position for a while, holding each other close regardless of the slightly unpleasant wetness that was binding them together. “We should probably change right?” Y/N asked after a beat, despite her lack of want to wrest away from him.

“M-hm. I’m all gross and sticky.” Harry laughed. “I’m gonna need another shower in the morning, but for now, I think I'll just wipe it off and put on new boxers. I mean if you don't mind that I don't wear pants to bed…”

“No, I don't mind. I'm gonna take mine off too.”

“Oh. That's a great idea. Sounds perfect to me.” Harry playfully quipped, before he got out of bed and started opening drawers. “Also, um… I don't know how to ask without being weird, but could you close your eyes for a moment? so I can take care of myself real quick?” Y/N said yes and turned away to give him privacy while he cleaned himself and changed. She was a tiny bit surprised that he hadn't wanted to use the restroom for that, but she figured that since it was closer to his grandparents' bedroom at the end of the corridor, he probably didn't want to risk going and waking them up. “Okay… you can look now.”

When Y/N looked at him next, the first thing she noticed was that he had on a pair of tight, black boxers. The next thing she noticed was that Harry was looking at her legs, since, as he’d probably seen when he turned, she had also stripped off her pants in the interim, leaving just her grey panties on. “What?” He smiled in response to her curious gaze.

She wouldn’t bring it up, but she could see he had grown a little hard in his boxers just from seeing her sprawled in bed with no pants on. “Nothing, you’re cute.”

Harry snorted at that. “Thanks, but you're much cuter.” He wandered across the room to where the supermarket bags were. “Are you thirsty? Do you want water or a snack? ”

“Hmm, just water if that’s okay.”

Harry handed her the water bottle and sat down on the bed next to her while she drank from it. “You didn’t cum…” he pointed out after a moment of pause.

“Oh um… yeah. I didn’t. It’s okay though.” Y/N laughed, shrugged, and took another sip of her water.

“Hmm.” Harry hummed, before scooting a little closer to her. “It must be a bit of an unpleasant feeling, no? and hard to sleep like that.”

“It is a little until it goes away but nothing that I can't handle.”

“Hm.” He hummed again, before Y/N cocked her head to kiss his lips. She’d only meant to give him a peck, but Harry changed her plans when he leaned in to kiss her deeper. He seemed really eager to continue kissing and well, she wasn't about to say no to him. Especially when he went so far as to nibble on her lip, which he hadn’t done before. He was also getting handsy with her, and she loved it. He was touching her more and focusing on the spots he'd learned she liked.

“That,” She blurted, as she paused to catch her breath. “That feels really nice.”

“M-hm.” He murmured against her lips as he kissed her again. His hand continued to grab at her as they kissed, to the point where Y/N couldn’t take it anymore. She hadn’t meant to but ended up moving her knees apart out of desperation. Being so blatant almost made her feel ashamed, but she didn't because she felt Harry's palm wrap over her crotch. In response to his touch, she moaned into his mouth, and he moaned back, surprised at how her moisture had soaked through her panties. “Teach me.” He asked, softly. “I want to learn. I- um, want to make you go to sleep happy.”

“That’s so nice, Harry, really. I, um-” She smiled while wiping the tears forming in her eyes. “I’m already happy.” She didn’t know what was making her so overwhelmed with joy all of sudden. She’d always known Harry was boyfriend material, but it was still nice to see how much he gave thought to her needs and happiness. And she was happy. So, so happy to finally have him like this, all to herself. “Do you want me to show you how to touch?”

“Yes please. To make you feel good.”

“Okay.” She placed her hand on top of his. “Here,” she explained once she’d guided his fingers to the spot of her panties right above her clit. “Circular motions with your fingers feel really nice, so does pressure. You don't have to focus on just that spot though… the nicest feeling is when you rub there but also all over.” She glanced at him, then bit her lip and asked, “Wanna try?”

“Yeah, alright.” Harry responded, adjusting his position slightly so that Y/N could get more comfortable. They decided to have her sit between his legs, facing away from him since that would make it easier for her to lead him. Once they’d both settled, Harry began to touch her in the way she had showed him, moving his hand broadly enough to reach a little bit everywhere in between her legs. “Am I doing it right?”

“Mm-hmm, you're doing really good.” Y/N was still holding his hand while he touched her, and she was fascinated by the size difference between their hands. “Your hands are really big, which... makes it feel extra good.”

“Really? That’s nice. I'm definitely grateful for that.” He said while looking down as well. “Should I put more pressure, or is it okay as it is?”

“It’s fine but I wouldn’t mind a little more...” She could tell he was afraid of hurting her, and that’s why he was being so careful and gentle in his touching. She wasn’t planning on rushing him or constantly give him directions though, so instead she simply relaxed against his chest and let him probe at his own pace. Because, after all, even though he was playing safe, she was still thoroughly enjoying herself.

It took Harry a few minutes to figure out how much pressure and speed he should be using, but eventually he pressed and swirled his fingers around her sensitive nub in a way that felt just right. When Y/N’s breath faltered he glanced at her worriedly, what made her chuckle. “No, don't worry. You didn't hurt me.” She took advantage of his staring to steal a kiss from his lips. “Keep going like that.”

Harry smiled proudly at that. He’d had a feeling he was starting to get the hang of it due to the way Y/N’s breathing had become more erratic and she'd begun to quiver against him on occasion but hearing it from her mouth that he was doing a good job was much, much better. He was really looking forward to making her cum. She looked so pretty like this, flushed and a little out of breath. She'd been staring at his face a lot from over her shoulder in the last couple of minutes, biting her lip and letting out little hums of pleasure to let him know he was making her feel good.

“Like that. Don’t stop.” Those quiet, whispered words snapped him out of his reverie. He knew what they meant, even before she told him, “I’m really, really close.”

He'd learnt from a meme he saw once that when girls said that boys weren't meant to speed up or change what they were doing in the slightest, so he merely focused on adding a bit more pressure, since that was something he knew she liked, and trying to keep his hand's tempo.

Despite how hot he found it, Harry wasn't very comfortable with dirty talk, but seeing her like this and recalling the perfect, filthy words she'd said to him just before making him cum, he felt compelled to give it a shot. “I can feel how wet your panties are, it’s so hot.” He whispered into her hair. “I can smell it too and it makes me want to eat you out so bad. I've never done it before, but I can't stop thinking about doing it to you.” Rather than trying to sound hot, he was simply stating facts about how she was making him feel, and somehow it was working. “I wanna make you cum like this first though. From rubbing your little pussy this way, just like you taught me to.”

Harry's words, paired with the precise movements of his fingertips around her pussy got her right at the edge. She trembled, clutched his wrist, and strained to keep her legs open.

“Please, please, please...” She started begging out loud right before the warm pleasure bubble on her belly popped, so Harry did the same thing she’d done to him and muffled her by putting his hand over her mouth.

He hadn't anticipated being able to feel when a girl orgasmed, but he was. He could feel the strong pulse under his fingers as soon as Y/N started to cum, and it was one of the hottest things he’d ever experienced. He could also feel the damp spot on her panties becoming even more drenched as he stroked her through it and God, the smell… it was making his mouth water.

If she didn’t look so exhausted, Harry would have begged her to let him take off her panties and lick her clean, but those puffy, glossy eyes didn't permit his mind to stray any further. If there was one thing Harry understood about Y/N, it was how she looked just before falling asleep, and that was exactly how she was getting.

So he helped her into bed and lay down beside her, but his heart wouldn't let him fall asleep before he asked, “You’re staying for the entire weekend, right?” and his ears picked up a faint “M-hm” in return.

A smile spread across Harry’s face as she pulled him in for a cuddle.

This was going to be the best weekend ever.

**

#harry styles smut #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fic #harry styles writing #harry styles imagine #harry styles blurb #harry styles x yn #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfic #nerd!harry #sub!harry #harry styles x you #purplekiwis #kissable

[bandgie]

That recent Seungmin fic got me like 🤤

Can you do another one where he laces it again and just fucks you dumb, like full force, fast pace not stopping, and you’re just a cock drunk mess, drooling, crying and whimpering. He’s making you cum over and over again overstimulating you while also marking you up.

Perv best friend Seungmin with yandere tendencies live in my head 24/7. If possible can I be the 🧡 anon, I love to spill my thoughts and keep track of them ☺️

Love your work, keep working hard! 🧡

this post anon is referring to

oh yes I have been looking at this in my inbox for so long just...imagining / and yes you can be that anon! thank you!

MDNI 18+ warning! heavy dubcon elements! meandom!seung, choking, drugging, overstim

You're super out of it. you can hardly register his length inside pumping into you relentlessly. Your groggy eyes open and close barely making out your roommate Seungmin on top. He's got an intense look in his eyes and a snarl on his lips. Teeth baring threateningly as he keeps pulling you down on his cock.

You groan and weakly pick up your head, noticing both of you are nude from the waist down. That wet, hot sensation between your legs is Seungmin's dick. It's unbelievable at first and you try blinking a few more time for him to disappear. He doesn't though, and you finally feel his bruising grip on your hips and his sweat dripping onto your body.

Weren't you just getting high with him? A little smoke sesh to take some stress off? To be fair, the blunt did feel a bit different. It made your heart race after the first hit, made your ability to speak nearly nonexistent, and you somewhat recall being very clingy. Even then, how does that translate to Seungmin fucking you like this?

You open your mouth to express your worries, to tell him to stop or at the very least, slow down. That's not what you communicate though, and the moment you try to speak all that comes out are garbled moans and loud whines.

Seungmin finally looks up from where his cock sinks into you to look at your face. You're a mess, to say the least. Your makeup smeared from his harsh kisses, lips swollen from when he shoved his cock between them while you were still out, and the strings of drool hanging off your chin.

Oh, you look like a dream.

He gives you a smile with all teeth, though it's far from friendly. "You feel so good like this." He lets his hand trails up your torso, groping your tits before resting against your throat. "So pretty."

The feeling between your legs switches between painful to pleasurable. It's unbearable how his girth stretches you out, how the tip of his cock continuously hits the deepest parts of you. You shake your head at him, eye welting with tears. "Too much."

Seungmin fakes pity, a frown on his face. "Don't lie. You wouldn't be cumming this much if that was true."

Are you really cumming that much? You were so sure that all the slick and wetness between your thighs was his doing, but the throbbing aches from your pussy say otherwise. A cry escapes your throat when you feel him hit a certain part, but the grip Seungmin has around your throat tightens.

"I liked you better when you were quiet," he tuts. "Didn't complain so much. Just laid there and took it like a good girl."

You want to complain, but the squeezing of your trachea won't let you. You wan't to tell him that you are a good girl. That you can lie prettily and take it, but it just feels too good. Your legs spasm and try to snap shut from the overstimulation, but Seungmin only chokes you harder. There's not a doubt in your mind that you'll wake up covered in bruises.

He's so much stronger than you. Seungmin keeps a harsh pace even as you flood his cock with your orgasm. He can feel how your walls try to push him out, but he forces himself deeper.

Your back arches, and you sob from the abuse. Judging from how sensitive you are and how Seungmin's dripping with sweat, he must have been at this for hours. And he's showing no signs of stopping anytime soon.

You know it's morally wrong for Seungmin to use you like this. Even worse for you to actually enjoy it. But you can't help yourself from letting him roll the blunt every time from this point on.

#🧡 anon #seungmin! #skz smut #stray kids seungmin #stray kids smut

[inahallucination]

famous au but um dumb

@cowboylexapro

if the poets were on social media and famous this is what they'd be known for

(age somewhere between 19-21)

todd

tumblr blog name: toad.anderson

ao3 name: toad.writes

he's technically anon but not rlly

sexiest tumblr account known to man - he's a fanfic writer and an au poster with some occasional og stuff that floods his inbox with asks begging him to publish his og work too - what fandom does he write for? all of them.

his bf proof reads them all even if he's never been in the fandom

he writes fics for his friends when they get famous

in between his novel worthy fanfics are shitty fics of his friends

his followers get rlly confused

he wrote a neil x reader fic until straight girls started claiming it and he took it down becuz the reader was him

todd on his blog: guyss… im so sorry but im taking the neil x reader fic down… im sorry if i offend anyone but the reader was me ❤️ not you - i don't like you all claiming it

after taking down the x reader, he does a neil x oc but the oc is him but with green eyes

neil, after the oc gets described: todd the only person im seeing is u tho 😦 and u have blue eyes

eventually his relationship with famous tiktoker neil perry gets revealed and ppl realize he's not just an obsessed fan

after neil says the thing blog: toad.anderson: guys my real name is todd anderson everyone: omg we wouldve never guessed

after neil and him go public and ppl dont believe that neil is gay he alternates between seething and writing neil fics and taking joy from neil's confusion

todd points out comments that are obviously thirsting over neil and neil still doesn't realize he's being thirsted over

"neil be the father of my children!" "oh i think they meant that in a godfather type way"

todd, at a breaking point, suggests that neil and him post a kissing video but neil doesnt wanna be one of those shawn camilla couples - respect

what if he posted them kissing but he made a historians will call them bestfriends joke but then ppl did🧍‍♂️

"my bestie and I 🤩 " "NEIL PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK UR SERIOUS"

//

neil

tiktok name: neilliard.at.julliard

accidentally tiktok famous for pretty face, charming personality, acting abilities - the theater kids had a claim over him orignially but he's pretty mainstream now

comment section full of old grandmas trying to set him up with their granddaughters

everyones dream bf until he posted about his own bf

neil: my boyfie has a big tumblr and he writes a lot and he really likes frogs and he is also blond and heres his address

hes kinda oblivious about everything

"you want a close up of my collar bones? why ?"

reading comment "'show your abs?' its nice you think i have abs! only my boyfriend can see those tho 😉 "

the comments go wild

people are stitching it screaming for different reasons

all his fans r screaming into pillows bc HES TAKEN NOOO

people are trying to figure out who this mans boyfie is

"he has a boyfriend??" "he's been straightbaiting us!" "NOO HE'S TAKEN" "IS UR BF AS HOT AS U" "look at the way his eyes lit up when he said bf i love love" "this video shows an aspect of society that-"

"tell us about ur bf" and he makes a week worth of videos but its all random stuff

"my bf looks pretty in blue" "my bf likes to put salt and pepper on his fries" "my bf has hair"

the straightbaiting comments come after him posting about pride and having a pride flag in the background of his videos <- they say things like "he's such a good ally"

people attack others in the comments who ask him if hes queer "NO NEIL ISNT GAY NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE GAY HE COULD JUST BE A REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY FRUITY STRAIGHT GUY WHO LIKES GIRLS"

"are you gay neil???" -> "not everything has to be gay ppl can just be allys and btw by assuming every ally is gay, ur actually hurting the movement!!!" -> "i asked becuz he said he wanted to kiss his boy best friend on the lips in highschool" -> "he meant it heterosexual-ly"

someone asks him what his type is and he describes todd to the t and they think he likes a short haired blonde

"he likes girls in sweat pants not skirts" "his type isnt ppl in skirts" -- neil would love todd in a skirt but thats not the point

his type: "he's really shy, gorgeous, short dirty blonde hair, uhhhh, really smart, and So much more :))"

he could say my boyfriend is a man who i am dating because i am gay and they would still try to straight-ify him

a grainy video gets leaked of a short haired blond guy jumping into his arms and ppl say things like "its just a girl with short hair"

todd hate writes a neil x male reader fic

he asks his friends for help and they post todd's face everywhere on his recording set

he makes a video like "meet my toddy"

in the video todd says he's a boy and he's todd and he's neil boyfriend 3485757 times and neil is like "omg babe i love u too <33" becuz he doesnt Understand

some ppl r still in denial or think he's bi w/ a preference for girls

straight girls like him becuz he has a pretty face and a general respect for women

during prom season, he gets dmed a lot of websites for buying prom tickets

"don't worry guys! i know i said my high school time was rough, but i actually did go to prom with my bf!!"

//

charlie

twitter name: therealalpha

most popular podcast name: daltons intercourse

joke/bait account ppl took seriously

The Alpha that other alpha posters bow to

says stuff like "SIGMA MALES KISS ALPHAS ON THE MOUTH TO ASSURT DOMINANCE"

the twitter alphas buy into him so bad he's making podcasts and doign interviews and he has no clue how tf he got here but he's riding the high

he advocates for being alpha via kissing ur homies

when he gets famous he begs todd to write a fic about him

todd agrees pretty easily tbh

"ARE YOU EVEN AN ALPHA MALE IF PPL AREN'T WRITING GAY FICS ABOUT YOU"

charlie posts things like "no homo" "only the real make out with their homies" over those black and white pics of muscle-y dudes w/ no context after the neil video he posts "he homo" over one of them w/ no context

at first ppl try to attack him but then theyre like wtf is going on here and realize he's trolling the alpha community

when no one realizes neil is actually gay he makes a podcast episode talking about how he thinks neil is gay gay homosexual gay - he's holding a cigar and wearing a tight hawaiian unbuttoned shirt like "lets talk about this gay gay theater gay boykisser man"

made by @cowboylexapro

//

pitts

youtube name: gerdoesstuff

joint youtube name: idkman

homework help and crafts videos youtuber - relaxed vibes only here to be calm

he gives study and concentration tips and encourages ppl to seek help and companionship and not suffer alone

he paints mugs and looks for bugs

he was on charlie's podcast and they discussed the alpha-ness of making pottery

todd wrote a pitts x reader fic becuz ppl begged him to

pitts printed it out and framed it and put it in his filming set up

he's a regular on meeks podcast too btw and meeks is a regular on his

but when meeks is around things explode so

he has a second channel with meeks where they do silly experiments

theyre posting schedule is non-existent and they also do streams but they never tell you so their viewers just have to hope and find out

knox and him are planning on making a movie review channel but its still not fully thought out so

he makes couple mugs for todd and neil when neil asks for help

he wakes up at 2 am and sends todd prompts

anytime he learns a fun fact he sends it to todd on the off chance todd may need it for a story at some point in his life

anytime he reads anything he's like damn neil will love to act like this character and lets him know about it

he sends charlie alpha podcasters to make fun of

at some point he exposes cam's shitty handwriting for the giggles

knox

instagram name: knoxious.ur.mom.ious

he posted a short on his instagram talking about how he just learned hair grows from the head and not the bottom and blew up for being a dummy - he doesn't know whats going on but he's having a blast

he stirs up drama but on accident

he was on pitts youtube before

out of everyone here he's the only one not making content he's just vibing

eventually he ends up posting background footage of everyone doing dumb shit

when it comes out theyre friends ppl stalk his instagram to find more proof

after that he starts to stir drama but more consciously

hmm what else - idk he's just chilling, getting called out for being dumb and watching his friends do dumb stuff

oh wait when he makes that short about the hair a bunch of commentary channels post about it and he takes it like a badge of honor

cameron

instagram name: cam.studies

pinterest name: cam.studies

one of those aesthetic studying accounts on insta and pinterest - takes nice shots of his homework and his pen collections and his study desk

except its only for the pics his handwriting is atrocious - he has like one page or paragraph of pretty handwriting to post and the rest is scribbled chaos - his pens are never organized by color, theyre just thrown in a box, and his desk is filled with papers and books and never looks clean but its fine he's just here for clout

he ends up sponsoring and reviewing businesses that make those cute study supplies so now he has a hoard - or at least he did until his friends started taking them

he groaned about the cam.studies x {random ass ppl} fics todd wrote but he thinks theyre funny and has them bookmarked

he went on charlie's podcast and the two argued for half of it and then explained how as two alphas they would settle their differences by kissing

his friends help him angle his aesthetic shots at cafes and shit

he got exposed eventually as a fake becuz ppl (cough) posted his real notes which were messy and disorganized

but he played it off as a commentary about how the internet is fake and got more sponsorships

he judges todd and neil but is eating popcorn at the front seat of the drama

meeks

podcast name: chameleon hotel

youtube channel name: idkman

meeks makes a podcast for very stupid intricate crimes. he has a cult following of bisexuals

its stuff like drama over a tree being taken down

"the locals even called their beloved tree 'ole alvin'"

charlie: todd write a meeks x ole alvin fic

he has standards, so he does

he went on charlie's podcast and convinced ppl that being with other men allowed u to suck in their alpha-ness and become the ultimate alpha

but generally he just makes his little silly videos and makes cryptic posts about the neil todd drama

has a joint channel w/ pitts

is up to date with the neil thing and is the one to send neil updates

he tries to convince neil to act out his podcasts (with a lot of success lmao)

he tries to convince todd to write fics based on his podcasts (also with a lot of success)

as payback for the ole alvin x meeks fic he convinces todd (very easily) to write a bunch of dumb charlie fics and todd agrees becuz he has standards

no one actually knows that the poets know each other

they eventually post a group photo

"we need to cancel neil perry for being friends with an alpha podcast guy" "nah thats just charlie"

"yall know hes bi, right?"

"he literally has a podcast about how sucking dick as a man makes u the ultimate alpha male"

it does explain why charlie's alpha podcast go from tiktok actor, tumblr fanfic writer, instagram study blog, fellow podcaster, hw help tiktoker in between his satire of normal alpha tiktokers

half of these things are like copy and pasted from our conversation btw so dont blame me for them

#todd anderson #neil perry #anderperry #dead poets society #deadpoets #dead poets headcanons #neil and todd #todd and neil #dps fandom #dps #charlie dalton #dps fanfiction #dps fic #dps headcanons #dps memes #dps incorrect quotes #meeks #steven meeks #stephen meeks #dead poets #gerard pitts #meeks and pitts #pitts dps #cameron richard #richard cameron #knox overstreet #anderperry social media

[dnd-smash-pass-vs]

As the year wraps up, I gotta get something off my chest, don't worry I'm not making a habit of this. Even though I know that the people who it's pointed at won't read or care, and the people who do see the resemblance to themselves likely won't be the ones I'm talking to. but I just had to delete multiple asks again, and it's stuff I get all the time, so I'm going to indulge in a little angry rant that you're free to ignore. Because seriously, I LOVE getting asks, I'd turn them off if I didn't. but some of ya'll REALLY don't understand there's a person on the other end of this. ...also, this is explicitly not pointed to the happy anon with the super long slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad post last night, you're cool. I was just a really tired last night and hit delete on accident.

- Every time a post gets reblogged, it finds more monsterfuckers, but also more non-monsterfuckers. A less monstrous person doing well or winning does not mean you're the only monsterfucker here. don't fill my inbox with multi-paragraph "everyone here's supposed to be a monsterfucker" hate essays every time a monstrous option isn't in a massive lead, take it up with your followers if it matters to you that much. -Some of you are fine always voting against bone devil no matter what, but can't comprehend something auto-losing for a different reason. Like "I hate heat." Or strong smells, or frogs. Sometimes people don't like the option they chose, they just hate it less. I see the merit in near any option I post, even if it's not for me...but seeing why you like it doesn't me I do too, stop asking me to take sides. - Or the opposite, one of the most common tags is "I love both, but I have a core memory or fetish with one so that's my default." Choosing one doesn't mean they hate the other option and you specifically. I'd happily fuck them both, but one indulges a fetish more core to me than some of my organs. - Someone who would fuck a werewolf or manticore or such is a monsterfucker, even if they don't go further. You don't get to say they aren't a REAL monsterfucker because you decided their preferred monsters aren't monstrous enough. Do you to see someone thirsting over a butch and say they're not a REAL lesbian because you decided that's not girly enough? There's no need to be elitist or gatekeep. Especially in an ask, but also in general tbh.

- I'm a basic bitch too sometimes! Just because we like the weird stuff doesn't mean we have to start hating the basic stuff and those who indulge in it. kinkshaming goes both ways, neither of which should be sent to me. You are not the standard by which all is judged, you being relatively more kinky does not make them objectively less kinky. - Seriously, if tumblr is anything, it's the "Labels" site. where people come to learn thier labels, give themselves labels, show off thier labels, surround themselves in similar labels until they forget it's not the only label. Often while saying they hate labels. It's not even the monsterfucker website, Tumblr's just more neutral toward it instead of openly hostile. I get the disappointment, but don't direct it to me. TLDR: That shoggoth or whatever isn't going to become real and fuck you because you flooded my inbox with rants on how "anyone who didn't choose X is fake, and all ya'll aren't TRUE BELIEVERS of the ONE TRUE MONSTERFUCKER GOD." Sarenrae on a bike, It's my blog, and I say everyone's welcome as long as they stay civil. so be civil before I take the anon button away. At least some people have the guts to show their face when insulting anyone who likes ___ over ___

#though tbf some of ya'll keep kinkshaming furries like it's fucking 2008 again out here. #leave it on your own blogs goddamn it #fuck it I've been mulling this over for like 7 hours #sending it #getting food #probably turning off the notifications

[owlbelly]

i've started to unfollow artists whose work i genuinely like because of the way they interact with their followers and/or the way they talk about themselves or their work on their public-facing art accounts

and this is 100% about my own preferences! i am not asking anyone to change what they're doing, i'm just quietly removing myself, which is what i would hope anyone else would do if they felt the same about my social media habits

but man. a big thing is that i really see a lot of creators just continuously chumming the water for sharks (unconsciously? cynically for engagement/views? who knows) & then seeming genuinely upset when there's a feeding frenzy. it's frustrating & sad to me! yes, it is always the fault of the people harassing you - no one should ever be sending anyone nasty messages! and! there are things you can do to make it better & things you can do to make it worse. i'm just finding myself more & more exhausted by folks who publish every shitty anon who crawls into their inbox. i am beyond sick of people publishing all their "why don't you ever draw ___ representation" asks because a) it's an inane question to an individual creator & b) i never ever want to hear the answer. i do not want to hear your weird justification for why you don't draw certain kinds of people! just draw what you want & i can judge you quietly if i want to & you can keep your unexamined prejudices to yourself :)

another thing is that maybe i'm just old (or an asshole? idk) but i think a certain amount of public/private divide is your friend. if you're the kind of person who posts through every mental health crisis (and who among us isn't, on here) & you have a moderate-to-large art following, i really think it's better for you AND the people who like your art if you have a separate place where your personal shit goes. people can follow you over there or not! it's opt-in. i'm not saying i dislike whenever people say anything personal on main - sometimes it's really warranted, or you need immediate help with something, etc. - but if i follow someone's labeled art account & then get flooded with very intense personal stuff (including suicidality, self-harm, constant self-deprecation, etc.) i end up feeling like i've intruded on a space i don't belong in

idk i'm obviously just very jaded about the state of being a creator online but i think social media encourages & rewards people's worst tendencies to the point where i feel like i'm watching artists self-harm in order to stay on everyone's radar, & i really hate it & want better for us

#rambling thoughts #artist problems #it sucks!!! it sucks

[heyharoldsboo]

Hey everyone, Im gonna assume mama duckling has been getting some very depressive asks lately. Where is Percy, why is Percy not posting, we need to see Percy?!

I understand all of you so much. He has remained silent and as we have discussed many times why, that was the right choice. But I know probably everyone would like a bigger sign of life and would like for him to go out there and pretend like nothing happened. I too think its time for him to "rip off the bandaid" as we speak and face the music. But the truth is that no matter what we believe, what matters is what he feels.

Let me put it into a list for everyone to see. This boy has : been the victim of an online smear campaign, got called a rapist a pedo and a groomer when we all not know he is not one, got made fun of for his appearance. Nude pictures from when he was a legit child, 13 years old, leaked and were shared online and people made fun of his body... he became a victim of sexual abuse himself, do you all realize how messed up that is? people (in the hundreds probably) send him message to kill myself, how his mother should have aborted him and how he is a waste of space and should die. His entire social media likes and history got microanalyzed, so many things he has said or done got twisted into horrible things. His friends and family got harassed. There were petitions to get him fired. Did I miss something? I missed a lot I'm sure.

It has been 3 months, thats it!!!! Some people need a lifetime of therapy to get over what I just listed. Think about it, how would you feel if it happened to you? Would you be ready to face the world so soon? From experience, he has had it rough mental heath wise, no way around it! But slowly, it gets better. What he needs now is support from his fans, friends and patience. GIVE HIM TIME! wtv time he needs. Please dont loose hope and dont be negative. The wait will be worth it, I am sure of it.

And as for duck mom, please don't flood her asks anymore with negativity. Send in positive messages. Im sure she has her own life, work, family, problems to deal with. She's human like all of us! But she's still here supporting Percy whenever and however she can, probably more than any of us do. So be kind to her please, she has done so much! Stop with the gloomy depressive asks and also the asks about Percy's personal stuff. I think its pretty obvious none of his defenders are in the business of spilling his personal info that they most probably don't even know.

be kind and positive everyone please! This will be over at one point and there are many great days ahead! trust that please!

And thanks Ana for all you do xox

Percy is who is important in this story. How he is feeling and how we can better support him. Not us.

We all miss him like crazy because he CHOSE to share his life with us before.

Let’s celebrate him. Show him the love. It’s what I have been trying to do.

And yeah, I’m not in the business of spilling his info. I have shown this day after day here, that if somehow I have information, it won’t leave my hands. It’s a promise I make to everyone who comes to my inbox messages, to every anon that asks me not to share. And it wouldn’t be different with Percy.

So yeah. Thank you duckling. Truly, thank you for your words.

#heyharoldsboo talks #percy is innocent #i stand with percy

[moonjxsung]

wait i feel like my previous ask abt the plagiarism issues felt lowkey like self promo cos i went off anon and talked abt my drabbles BUT I SWEAR I WASNT TRYING TO PROMOTE MYSELF

i just wanted to show you my eclipse pictures and i didn't wanna flood ur inbox with two separate asks abt the plagiarism issue and the eclipse pics 😭

how did you get such a nice photo of the moon at night??? whenever i try it looks like a white blob, no details or anything. the nicest moon picture ive gotten was when it peeked out during the afternoon.

here's a pic of the sun i think you'll like

han jisung is my sunshine fr 😭😭😭 i see his face on my phone and a shit day can become 10x better we love parasocial relationships lol

i'm excited for my little req to be published hehe but don't rush! i'll be sitting patiently while the master is at work

NOOOOO I DISNT TAKE IT LIKE THAT AT ALLL LFKFKSKDKKD DONT WORRY ABOUT IT !!!

I honestly have NOOOO CLUE how I’m able to get decent pics of tbe moon dkekdndmkdlwkeke maybe it’s because I have like hundreds in my camera roll atp like I literally get a pic of the moon every time I see her 👼🫶🫶🫶🫶 here’s my personal fav from through my apartment window

THE HANJI PICCX ENEJEKDKDMSMWKEKD HES SO CUUUUUUTTJRJRJEWMEKEKDKDKDKD I LOVE HIM SO BAD he really makes any day better frfr (did you see his insta post from today bc it cheered me up like instantly)

I LOVE UUUUUUU SO MUCH BABY IM SENDING U ALL THE VIRTUAL HUGS IN THE WORLDDDD 🫶💖💕💗💓💘💞

#ask

[woofdrm]

how many times do we have to say that not everything is about you. i'm speaking generally. GENERALLY there were people being negative

Ok listen anon I am taking you by the face and looking you in the eyes so you understand me. Those two tweets were the only tweets I posted before my inbox was being flooded with people telling me to keep George’s name out of my mouth, that I was being disgusting, and sending me BAD THINGS that I will not go into detail over. So yes. It was in response to me. My own responses, were me defending MYSELF. I am not defending any other people. I am not talking about any other people. And I am not co-signing on the sins of random people on twitter that you have decided I represent. Do you understand? Other people’s tweets have NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. Go fight with THEM over it.

#why is this so hard to comprehend #offerings #discourse

[d3nt4l-d4m4g3]

See the funny thing is you think you're so high and mighty replying to all these hate anons with funny quirky answers but the fact is as much as your hateful blog pisses me off, I'll report your posts and Google sheets file, go to sleep, wake up and live my life happily as a trans men and forget you exist. You'll just become another faceless prick in the mass of all the other transphobes I don't give a shit about or spend time thinking about daily.

But you will continue to dedicate a whole blog and spread sheet collecting information that is ultimately going to change nothing. You clearly spend a lot of time thinking about us and you can't deny that. A spread sheet? Girl 🥴

Trans men will still continue to seek HRT and surgery. Trans men will seek these things and they will have extremely positive outcomes because of them. They will continue to be happy people and you will remain sad and miserable, pretending that being called every hateful name under the sun will never bother you or weigh on you in the slightest.

I personally love being in T, and I was never in mental distress or suicidal before hand. I just knew I was meant to be a man and so I got RELIABLE information from MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. Anecdotal evidence has taught me more in recent months but it still wouldn't have affected my decision to go on HRT if I read them beforehand. I love my new body hair and voice. Nothing has atrophied or caused me pain as of yet and it's not something that I can't fix with a doctor if and when the time comes. It's been a year since apparently that's super important information for you.

Btw topical estrogen and T are not conflicting advice since you were asking someone what misinformation you were spreading. Topical estrogen only affects the area it's applied to but doesn't change the overall body hormone levels. Why dont you acknowledge people who share that information with you?

I was going to send this publicly as a sign of good faith but honestly I don't know what type of crazies follow you and don't feel like having my inbox flooded with hateful messages. Since I'm grown up enough to admit it's not fun to receive a ton of hateful messages after posting something inflammatory. I hope your stuff gets taken down from all of us who will be reporting you for harassment

P.S. just because accounts are public still does not give you the right to gather a group of usernames and alert cis people to our trans spaces :) we already had our private resources leaked to cis people. You know as well as I do people are taking those user names you posted as a chance to blatantly harass them. Do you honestly think that's morally okay for you to do? Someone should tell your parents what you're up to since you sound like an edgy 16 year old. I hope you grow up and realize living in misery will get you nowhere.

And if you are truly happy spreading misery well don't worry. Plenty of people are happy spewing the misery right back in your face :)

You clearly spend a lot of time thinking about me too. Enough to write me this passionate letter. Are you sure you don't go to bed dreaming of me?

[heiserosandhesapollo]

that blazed post was satire right

REAL fucking suspicious that all these rolled into my inbox in a single night, back to back. Almost like you forgot to turn on anon for half of them 🤔🤔🤔

But let's go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt.

"How to be a trans man (according to the internet)" was loosely inspired by Sherman Alexie's "How To Write The Great American Indian Novel" in the sense that I wanted to do non-rhyming couplets that directly contradicted each other to point out how people outside of a marginalized group stereotype and fetishize said group. (Alexie's poem is much, much better than mine. He breaks the format pretty quickly and the last two lines are the greatest gut-punch I've ever read in a poem. I am white and did not want to appropriate an indigenous man's pain, so I tried to only take broad inspiration from the opening lines and go in my own direction.)

Now, with that context, let's examine the title.

"How to be a trans man" denotes a set of instructions or rules for behavior. But the poem has a parenthetical, "(according to the internet)", which implies that these are not the author's (my) rules, but rather something that comes *from* the internet. Reading the poem I used as inspiration, and the last two lines, "In the Great American Indian novel, when it is finally written,/ all of the white people will be Indians and all of the Indians will be ghosts," we can infer that this is a poem not about representation, but about cultural appropriation (and, really, genocide). It is not meant to be serious advice, but layers of irony about how colonizers use literature as a tool to erase an entire culture.

When you take irony into consideration, you can then look at the structure of my poem.

Every couplet (except the final one) starts with "You must", with the second line starting with "but". This sets an expectation, then immediately limits or contradicts the expectation. For instance:

"You must have a common, boring name,/ but nothing as common as "Aiden."" If you pay any attention to how trans men's names are treated, you may have heard jokes about trans men having the names of "Drowned Victorian orphans", which is just a way to say that trans men pick old fashioned, pretentious, or "weird" names. A trans man who is not out may see these jokes and therefore try to steer towards really common names, especially ones that are common *right now*. This meant that a few years ago, there was a flood of trans mascs naming themselves "Aiden". But again, if you've paid attention to the treatment of trans men the last few years, you'll know that "Aiden" is used to insult trans men with "basic" names.

Again, look to the title of the poem. This is how *the internet* tells trans men to behave - giving them one set of instructions and then immediately punishing them for following it. The poem uses an ironic structure to show the irony that trans men experience daily.

All of the lines in the poem were either things I have been told to my (digital) face, or seen other trans men on Tumblr, Twitter, Youtube, and Tiktok been told.

Now, not to be mean, but perhaps do some literary analysis when you find a poem that rubs you the wrong way. Look at the title, structure, imagery. Perhaps even look at the rest of the author's work - if you search my blog for "trans", you'll find multiple poems about the trans male experience (my personal favorite is "I relate to werewolves for more than just aesthetic reasons"). These, taken together, paint a pretty straightforward picture of my views on the trans male experience.

I'll admit, had I gotten these asks when I first posted these poems, I would've freaked out, wondering if I was being too subtle. But at this point, with over 4,000 notes on the post and tons of people in the tags telling me that they have felt the exact emotions of the poem... I think you and anon either aren't taking the time or don't care to actually analyze a (pretty straightforward) poem.

[madamhatter]

lays down here n. low key rots. because as someone who has struggled to gain consciousness and self awareness of ones own mind. the way you describe sophies childhood and feelings about herself brings me to tears. relief. peace? I'd never thought that the feeling of being understood would be so immense. haha. I hate being vulnerable you can delete this if you like. thank you for listening.

(REGARDING THIS POST)

Anon, I am so sorry for how long it took to respond. You said it was okay to delete the ask, but I wanted to reach out to you. 

Thank you for sharing this with me. I cannot express how much this means to be as I have been sitting on this ask like a hen on an egg. 

You are doing so much in wanting to get to know who you are and understanding a large part that may only make sense sometimes. There are many reasons and circumstances that prevent us from actually getting to know what we are really like - and even getting comfortable in one's head. There are points we feel like we are not the ones in control of our mind, and our mind goes against us. There are moments when we are not the leading voice, but we are the ones drowned out by invasive swarms of a choir. 

One of the most challenging things is coming to this realization and then pursuing the want to feel whole. People can describe it in many ways; I use "unlearning" for Sophie, and even before, I used it for myself. Facing one's mind is facing a horror like no other; there are so many things that can sprout of it - being your own worst enemy, the unspeakable you are afraid is real turns out to be real, and pulling apart aspects you thought you were over with.

Feeling recognized, understood, and a connection to something we rarely ever express is an overwhelming storm. It is hard to feel it and harder when you believe you are the only one alone in it. In a way, yes, we are alone because it is our minds we are dealing with, and you can see other people and wonder how they can get by and, hell, maybe even ask why I can't work like them. But then you see something that rattles you in some way. 

So it's this downpour of every little thing we never thought about is now thought about; it washes over and can flood, but at least it comes out. 

Admittedly, and how glaring it is as I reread everything, I don't know how to express "I understand you" without entirely writing this whole thing up. It hits differently when you can piece together things with language that almost resembles it. 

As a writer, I am happy that someone can read her and connect with her. As a person, I am proud that you can see something you've gone through and better know yourself. 

If you ever need it, I can always lend an ear. My inbox/DMs are always open for you and anyone who needs someone to read their feelings and thoughts. The most comforting thing we can get is being with someone, or somewhere we feel safe and can be vulnerable without any fear. 

Again, thank you for sending this to me. I hope you have a lovely remainder of the weekend and that you can sink your head into a pillow and sleep well tonight.

#( ooc related ) #( checkbooks inquiries and much ; answered asks )

[fang11803]

Wrow Colleen i sure am glad you reblogged that artist questions list three times today. I'm sure all of your followers and mutuals have already flooded your inbox with numbers, because its really easy to just click on a blog and type a single number into someone's ask box and hit the submit button, thus giving you the illusion that you aren't screaming into a void, but i just GOTTA KNOW what your answers would be for EVERY QUESTION, please.

Golly random anon, I'd be happy to do that. In fact, this will be the only ask I'll answer out of the windfall of messages in my inbox, because it's so convenient to have allllllll the answers on one post instead of many individual posts. How helpful of you.

1. Art programs you have but don't use: I've had a program on my computer for a while that lets you draw only in hexagons. It's neat but has limited uses.

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left, right, or center: Left.

3. What ideas come from when you were little: Well, Fang is my oldest oc, so anything having to do with her. I had a lot of cool ideas about werewolves when i was 12.

4. Fav character/subject that is a bitch to draw: I like plants a lot, especially Weird Plants(tm). The issue is when it comes to making a bunch of foliage for a background, i end up making everything look too samey or too busy.

5. How much of your art do you post online vs. Keep to yourself: I keep 90% of it to myself now for two reasons. 1) little to no feedback on pieces i worked hard on. 2) number 2 is personal but related to number 1.

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously: music, probably. Music affects my mood which affects what i want to draw.

7. A medium of art you dont work in but appreciate: Anytuing related to sculpture. From ceramics to metal work that stuff is cool af.

8. What's an old art project idea that you've lost interest in: when i was about 22 i had this idea for a comic series that was just me illustrating dreams from my journal. I didn't get very far because i didn't think people would enjoy it.

9. What are your file name conventions: up until I save the final draft it's called whatever, but after I'm done I usually do title_year_intendedUse

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw: Jackets. Or those skirt things i made up for world building purposes.

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing: Sometimes, usually music.

12. Easiest part of the body to draw: Hands.

13. Skip. Unnecessary drama starter.

14. Any favorite motifs: i love celestial bodies and floating crystals. And eyes.

15. *where* do i draw: at home. On my bed or at my desk.

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing: Clouds imo. They sure are there. In the sky.

17. Do you eat/drink while drawing: No thats messy

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken: ive worn out two drawing tablets and dried out much acrylic paint.

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw: jewelry

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy: architecture and interiors in perspective. I don't bother most of the time, but i really enjoy it when i take the time. It's like a puzzle.

21. Art styles nothing like your own, but you like anyways: pixel artists are Next Level Coolness

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing: i do wrist stretches

23. Do you use different layer modes: yes? Work smart party hard.

24. Do your references include stock images: if i can't draw the thing i google it and upload all the results directly into my brain and then hopefully i can draw it afterwards.

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by: one time someone saw a picture of Bill and asked why I drew a genderbend of that green haired girl from code geass, which I had never heard of at that point.

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended: have you ever been part of an art pipeline where you hand your drawing off to be digitally inked, and the other artist completely misinterprets the facial expressions you gave the characters, because this has happened on several occasions!

27. Do you warm up (etc): No oh my god.

28. Any art events you have participated in in the past: ive participated in a zine and a few game jams.

29. Media you love but doesn't inspire you artistically: most podcasts. I don't really draw anything for podcasts.

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated: i once did a big painting of Korra and Raava in a field of stars that i thought was beautiful but nobody else seemed to like it. I want to get it framed someday.

[the-abyss-watcher]

Unlimitedquestions was the group I was in, one that you did jack shit to help me in. So again, stop denying your wrongdoings. You did nothing to help anyone and only protected abusers. And before you open your fat mouth, half the abusers you'd talk to and befriend behind the victims backs and would pull the "I am neutral." card when confronted. You are just a two faced snake.

The closest thing to what you're saying is that I would suggest taking solace in the group since it is made to be a sub-section of DeviantArt, based on my experiences with slander. Otherwise I still genuinely don't know what you're referring to. I had a set of rule of thumb I'd go by and which I even posted in my gallery, and it would guide my priorities. If I ever was neutral in a conflict, it's because I hadn't decided who to join yet. You accuse me of being a two-faced snake, but may I remind you who the anon is here, and who has flooded my inbox in a matter of hours with anonymous messages?

[cocksuki2]

i just noticed your post about the anons sending hate & were waiting on something bad to happen to characters to flood your inbox and i cannot agree more. they are going crazy bc of the mha chapter that got leaked yesterday and its SO annoying. i get you dont like the guy but damn😐 i literally had someone who dm me just to tell me that so and so died yesterday. people really irk my nerves. “ooh i bet you’re so mad and upset that ___ died” i will chew your face off.

thats how i know they get absolutely no play and their hand is their only friend

bro no bc it's especially bad with the recent mha chapter. like maaannn the amount of naassttyy hate i got on my main blog today was absolutely groooossss. i stopped talking abt being in mourning bc i didn't wanna deal with it lol.

i just don't understand why people can't like... live and let live when it comes to this stuff. like sure i hate eren jaeger but I'm not gonna go to an eren stan and like... make em feel like shit, yk? like they like him... i don't. we don't understand each other but we get along.

and it's like... where is that energy for everything else? is it so wrong to be sad over a fav character dying? like i don't think it's that bizarre at all. and i can't understand why ppl would go out of their way to be cunts abt it. like sorry but I'm gonna actually commit real murder.

#cal.ask #twweeeeddle deee #gonna use up the tags so this post doesn't show up #blah blah blah #last one lol #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #mha manga spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #discourse

[lacheri]

ISNDJEJDBYSGVEHDJEBRHDHEHD U GOT SO MANY CHARACTER ANONS UP YOUR PUSSY

I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS FUCKING HAPPENED ROSIE

IT MUST’VE BEEN ME COMPLAINING ON THE DASH BUT BELIEVE ME I AM NOT FUCKING COMPLAINING ONE BIT AT THE MOMENT

I MANIFESTED TOO HARD OMFG

#PLEASE MY EGO IS THRIVING #I posted my face and my inbox is FLOODED with anons #I’m gonna fucking SCREAM but without the s #I love Rosie! #mootz 🖤 #cherieanswers