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totheendofthelinepal · 4 years

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CONSTELLLATIONS (PART ONE)

Summary: Being stuck in space with ARES was not your plan, especially when a certain someone finds out you haven’t been intimate with anyone in your life.

Notes: Virgin Reader x Chris Beck, swearing, NSFW (18+)

six months.

one hundred and twenty eight days.

You had been here already much longer than you had planned, but you were trained for the unexpected. In fact, most of the time someone like you knew it was bound to happen at least once in your career. When you were a little girl, there was something that always fascinated you - the stars. You would dream about them, hoping one day you could touch one - feel the energy they gave off. Now here you were, six months - one hundred and twenty eight days. You were picked for this mission by some kind of miracle, it didn’t happen often for someone who had just graduated. Then again, you were top in your class - that might have had something to do with it. There was five other people who were highly trained in this type of field on board with you, six other people you had gotten to know very well in the past six months. It was described as an elite team. There was Martinez, who was trained originally trained as a fighter pilot - he was more on the humorous side. There was Watney - trained botanist and chicago native. Vogel - he didn’t say much but he was both genius in chemistry and astrophysics. Johanssen - she was your favorite, the two of you had bonded over the months, she was incredible with software engineering, as were you.Commander Lewis. She was someone you had definitely heard about - and looked up to. She graduated with honors at the US Naval Academy, you knew she was a badass. Finally, there was the one person you’d known longer than anyone else aboard the spacecraft. Dr Christopher Beck. You met him long before the rest of the crew, in graduate cum laude Yale university. You’d like to say that the two of you were friends, but your paths hardly ever met unless it was in class every so often. In all honestly, you thought he was handsome. He was highly trained in flight surgeon detail, and you also knew his extensive training in aerospace medicine. The team was set for a six month mission. Typical EVA space walks to be done. But in recent light of events, although NASA explained little at the moment, your mission had been extended. It almost felt like part of your DNA, knowing just how much you had to sacrifice for this kind of life. But having the people around you here in space, it helped ease the wanting of going home. You watched carefully, the team surrounded at the table in the spacecraft. Martinez had already started up a conversation.

“What’s something you could really go for on earth right now?” He laughed out, his eyes searching the crew.

“I could go for pizza, to be honest.” Johanssen laughed lightly, earning a grin from you.

“I definitely miss coffee.” You sighed out, thinking just how much you could use a starbucks right now.

“Of course you would say that.” Beck chuckled lowly to you, causing you to give him a teasing glare.

“Sex.” Martinez blurted out, causing the team to groan lightly.

“Come on, Martinez. That’s not appropriate.” Lewis smirked lightly to his forward comment.

The team laughed in unison, and you smiled nervously. You heard the low murmurs of agreement, and there was something that popped in your mind. You wouldn’t know. You wouldn’t know if you missed it or not - because that was a void in your life. You thought your nervous reaction was unoticed, but you saw Chris’ eyes on you for just a lingering moment.

“I would say I definitely miss watching netflix.” You coughed lightly, wanting desperately to change the subject.

“Oh definitely. Catch up on Grey’s Anatomy.” Johanssen motioned to you, Vogel also nodding in agreement.

You took a sigh of relief, knowing you were off the subject you knew absolutely embarrassingly nothing about. You looked to Beck once again, he was laying across the couch nearest to the table now. You watched carefully as he fumbled a deck of cards in his hands, you met his eyes in a soft smirk. You wondered if he had taken notice once again of your dodging attitude. You bit you lip quickly, deciding to shake it off, not think anything of it.

It had been a couple days since what Martinez mentioned, and you wouldn’t be human if you didnt think about it. You wondered if that made you look almost childish. You were certainly old enough, it just never happened for you. Being at school, working hard to get where you are now - you didnt have time to even think about sex. There wasn’t exactly a long line either. Your mind let the thoughts fade away into something much more important at this moment. You gripped the small photo, it was completely battered - even a light tear at the top. It wasn’t all that old, you just stared at it so often it had gotten worn down. It was of you and the most important person in your life, your mother. This was another sacrifice. You traced your hands over the worn out photo, thinking of how much she needed you now. She was diagnosed with cancer five months ago, she had been in and out of the hospital through all of this without you. You father passed away years ago - you had no siblings. Your mother was pretty much all you had for her whole life. She had supported your dream from the very start, you could remember her setting up the glowing stars that stuck to the wall in your room when you were little. It nearly killed you knowing you couldn’t be there, hold her hand through all of this.

“How is she doing?”

Your thoughts were abruptly stopped by a familiar voice, Chris.

“I-Im not sure.” You mumbled, your thumb tightening to the photo.

“When was the last time you talked to her?” Beck bent down to the floor, taking a seat beside you.

You waited a moment, staring out into the beautiful view of the earth below you, “About a month.”

“Hey, just think of how happy she’ll be to see you.” Beck nudged you softly with his arm, and you gave him a polite smile.

“I just hope I get there in time.” You sighed, putting the photo back in your pocket.

“Wanna play cards?” Beck motioned, “Might take your mind off things. Just for a little while.”

You smiled genuinely once again, taking his hand as he helped you on your feet, “Sure, why not?”

The two of you sat across from each other, and this wasn’t exactly an odd occurrence. You played cards, board games, you name it. It was always with Beck, the two of you had been the only ones to really get into the games. Words were hardly exchanged, but it wasn’t an awkward silence - not in the least. It felt comfortable. Peaceful almost.

“So you planning on getting a latte as soon as we get home?” Beck chuckled lowly, dealing out cards.

“You bet your ass I am.” You grinned at his comment meant for teasing.

“I think I’m going to find a nice restaurant, and buy a steak.” Chris smiled, his eyes meeting yours.

It was something you recognized right off the bat with him, his eyes were almost piercing blue. It was the kind of eyes that you could tell all your secrets to. It was the kind of eyes that would get any kind of woman in trouble. But of course, you never lingered too long on his eyes. Otherwise thoughts would enter your mind that would break countless rules aboard a spacecraft.

“Steak sounds amazing right now.” You grinned softly, looking away from his gaze.

“Martinez wasn’t lying the other day about some others things to miss, huh?” Chris smirked lightly to you, and suddenly you felt your heartbeat pick up.

“Uh- sure.” You stammered, feeling your cheeks redden lightly.

“Why do you do that?” He leaned forward, his brow knitting in confusion.

“Do what?” You flickered your eyes away from his.

“You get all…weird.” Chris chuckled out, leaning back once again, “kinda twitchy almost.”

“Come on, I do not.” You laughed it off nervously.

“See, That. right there. You just got all weird.” Chris nudged you playfully.

“Chris, I dont know what you’re talking about.” You shook your head, trying to think of anything to change the subject, “I really want a burger to be honest.”

you shook your head at your words, seriously. that was the best you could come with.

“Okay, see theres the other thing. You changed the subject.” Chris shook his head in laughter, “Why are you so weird about the subject of sex?”

When he finally said it, you decided you weren’t going to be apart of the conversation anymore.

“Im feeling really tired.” You mocked a yawn, quickly collecting yourself.

You left before he could say anything, and you could almost the confusion he was in.

You avoided him as best you could, but you were inside a small compact spacecraft. So of course it was bound to happen, you running into him. But not if you had anything to do with it. You hung out with Johanssen as much as you could, knowing that Chris wouldn’t bring it up with anyone else around. You could almost feel the quiet teasing he was giving you, by each smirk and soft chuckle each time he saw you. You definitely hadn’t told anyone on board you’d never had sex. It didnt seem like vital information - or even appropriate information you needed to share. You were back at your spot, reeling through your mind trying to think of anything but all this nonsense. This was your spot, almost like your safe haven. Most of the crew would head into their own private quarters - the only place on the spacecraft that didnt have microphones or cameras. But you enjoyed this space. There was cameras here, no microphones surprisingly. But you didnt mind. They never really disturbed you unless they had to. Communications in this spot was only through the software on the other side of the room. It was your favorite spot mostly because of the view. As the spacecraft would float around, the window gave a perfect view of the space you loved so much.

“Hey you.”

You heard the familiar voice, and you instantly began to shuffle to leave.

“Whoa, hey sport. Don’t even think about running this time.” Chris chuckled lowly, sitting down next to you.

You shifted uncomfortably, hoping he wouldn’t bring it up. But you knew Chris Beck well enough, he most definitely would.

“Whats up?” You sighed out, hoping you deter him.

He laughed softly, his eyes placed on you, “Really? come on, talk to me.”

“Nothing to talk about.” You bit your lip, keeping your eyes to space.

“There clearly is.” Chris chuckled out now, nudging you softly.

“Seriously, Chris. Just drop it.” You huffed, bringing your knees to your chest.

He was quiet for a moment, and you looked quickly to see his eyes traveling you in realization, shit.

“Are you a virgin?” He merely whispered, even though he knew there was no microphones in here.

“Chris I dont want to talk-“

“Oh my god you are.” He bit back a grin, nudging you again.

“I…Didn’t have time.” You mumbled quickly, shifting once again.

“Oh come on. Even I had time.” Chris grinned widely to you, clearly taking amusement in this.

“You really think this is funny? It’s not like I had a long line of suitors.” You mumbled again, rolling your eyes.

“I find that very hard to believe.” Chris smirked, looking away from you finally.

“Yeah well. Believe it. Okay? I get it. Im a virgin. Im a prude.” You sighed heavily, slightly annoyed this came to light.

“I never said you were a prude.” He defended, “It’s actually really refreshing. You didn’t just do it because everyone else was, its nice.”

You looked to him, and you could see a small smirk on his lips. You couldn’t help but smile to his genuine compliment. You began to fumble with your hands.

“Thank you.” You mumbled, biting your lip.

“Whoever gets that privilege is lucky. You’re beautiful.” Chris smiled to you, his eyes meeting yours.

You suddenly wanted to kick yourself. Your eyes traveled to his lips, without your permission or thought. Your lingering gaze stayed much longer than it should have, long enough for Chris to notice.

“There is cameras in here.” Chris whispered out, a smirk forming on his lips.

“I know.” You choked out, flickering your eyes away.

“I should probably go.” Chris bit his lip, his hand falling to your knee.

In that moment, you noticed everything about him in a much different light. You’d been in a small confined space with him for months, but right now - he’d never looked so good. Your eyes stayed at his hand on your knee, and you felt the warmth radiate. His hand looked soft, his slender fingers almost encasing your whole knee. You took a deep breath, you couldn’t think about this. You couldn’t think about him.

Your thoughts would’ve broken about 32 rules by now.

#chris beck x reader #chris beck #chris beck x y/n #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebstan #the martian #chrisbeck

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punkpal · 5 years

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Okay i’m sorry for this rant but i am struggling and i’m running out of hope so some of y’all better donate some of yours before i combust...

Read at your own discretion.

And please if you have any lived experience of complete fucking hopelessness along with bipolar disorder (because that specific diagnosis in my rather long list of conditions is really new to me) i am not coping and could do with some advise, so please do share if you have any, it would be really helpful.

Okay so i call bullshit.

I spent 3 months in a manic episode as a result of a setting change in my brain implant (the one i got to reduce the symptoms of my ocd which obviously as per my chronic bad luck not only didn’t work or help in the slightest but also gave me bipolar)...

Then upon getting tired of waiting for the mania to disappear i changed settings after finally getting permission from my surgeon who finally had also given up hope that the mania would subside and the setting start to work to help rather then hinder.

Only for the new setting to send me on the opposite side of the spectrum and make me suicidal (luckily only for 2 weeks as i was getting ever increasingly more unsafe even whilst inpatient in a psych ward, so a change of settings was allowed quicker for my own safety). But boy did that feel like a lifetime when every waking moment of those 2 weeks felt like i was drowning.

And just because after 10 months of constant setting changers (almost all of which options i have tried) i was getting tired of getting my hopes up with a new setting change, only for it to make things worse; i went back to a really low setting as per my doctors suggestion and i thought that would be a good choice.

That setting i changed back to, i had been on before and while it didn’t help it didn’t make me worse so until i can be fucked trying new settings with the chance it would send me over the brink i opted for a safe setting that in the past has done fuck all which i am willing to deal with if it means i don’t risk getting worse.

BUT

Noooo. No rest for the wicked, my bloody fucking manias back and while i new that was a possibility as the mania was caused by a specific setting and would likely only be present on that setting. It was mentioned that there was a possibility that the mania would stay because basically of an accidental fuck up caused by that old setting that is now causing that side effect to continue even when on a otherwise reasonably safe setting.

So long story short the mania is irreversible and likely will come in and out of my life on and off indiscriminately as well as the other half of the bipolar diagnosis (i know officially have, yay) being increased long periods of suicidal ideation and i am BIB MAD.

I got this surgery to help the main out of 7 mental illnesses (ocd) and satan or karma or god or whoever the fuck dished me out a entirely new diagnosis instead of fix the one i wanted benefited.

PLUS i scored a brain infection thats the first of its kind (that my state has ever seen) as a result of this surgery despite this surgery being common - mostly used for Parkinsons. And to this day i am still facing shitty physical health as a result of this, even having to have 2 surgeries 2 weeks ago to fix damage that infection caused by that ‘life saving, mental illness curing, miracle brain surgery’.

Honestly will my bad luck ever come to an end?

Theres only so much i can take.

And worse is i fear this mania will come to an end only to segway into a episode of prolonged suicidal ideation (and even intent) like what happened last time. Because i can’t deal with that again, not on top of all the other issues my still really really really fucking bad ocd is causing me.

I don’t get why all of this is happening to me.

What did i do to deserve all of of this misfortune?

Am i getting punished for crimes my soul committed in a previous life?

Does god exist and he’s a little bitch who has it out for me and goes out of his way to make my life miserable?

Am i actually dead and living in hell paying my debt to the devil in the form long term suffering and hopelessness?

Or am i cursed? Is that it?

Whatever the reason i have had enough.

Also honest observation insert: Apparently when i started venting my manic fueled frustrations in this post my mood was still heightened but if noticeable in the sharp change of pace in this post the mania has officially began to leave the building now (which i guess was what i was asking for) but as is tradition the end of this mania (thats luckily only been going on a few days) has plunged me balls deep into the depressive part of my bipolar and man is the desire to die starting to look more and more appealing.

I won’t do anything don’t worry!

I mean i guess now i have scored the start of a break from what was only a small manic episode but exhausting nonetheless. So i can finally get a good nights sleep, because the mania was defiantly cock blocking me from achieving shut eye until tonight. So i’ll use this opportunity to catch up on a week of lost sleep (plus sleep is like a vacation from life, a short visit into destination ‘dead’) so experiencing the complete lack of being consciousness through sleep will be a nice little visit into what i crave (death) without the huge commitment that comes with death and the sadness it causes others.

Any way this last week or so of mania has not been fun but as i crash into the opposite end of that bipolar scale i am realizing how much more preferable that mania was as apposed to my current quickly declining mood. And upon reflection take back all the smack i talked about mania only because now i want to go back in time to that manic period rather be in this dangerously depressing present i am currently getting stuck in. And just argghhhh.

Right when i think it can’t get any worse it does and then this happens again and again a fucking again.

When will all this suffering end? And when it does end will it do so by eventual good luck and recovery or eventual giving up and the welcoming of death like an old friend?

Because i really do want that first option to be the case. After all thats why i chose to get this surgery - for hope of recovery (and because it was the last option in recovery that i had yet to try). Because i do hold onto hope and i do want to fight for my recovery until i eventually obtain it.

But i have been fighting for this false sense of hope for more then a decade but the longer i wait and the harder i fight for recovery the more it hurts when i get nothing but bad luck to set me backwards every time i think i have made progress. And so the vicious cycle repeats.

This toxic cycle of suffering really does make it hard to continue feeling positive about the future. Therefor at times like these i find it easier not looking at the future at all because i don’t see myself being alive long enough to be in it most of the time. And that concept actually really does put me at ease.

Nonetheless i wake up and try again and again chasing what little hope i do still have left over from the abundance of hope i used to have before over time i began to loose most of it.

This dwindling hope really does scares me though because i am worried especially now with how low i am at the moment that any day soon that hope will start to run out until i don’t have enough left to save me from myself and if that happens i see no other outcome but to welcome death and admit defeat.

And don’t get worried ‘welcoming death and admitting defeat.’ is only a back up plan, its just kind worrisome to know the current plan isn’t gong too crash hot either and that my only organized backup plan revolves death.

Any way, this letter along with my mood stating off manic as hell.

And somehow ended here. In disappear.

But i fight on, for however long i have it in me to continue fighting.

And i ask (well lets be honest at this point i am basically begging) that the powers that be give me a break. I deserve it. Look even if that break isn’t recovery can it at least be to not continue getting worse. Because i don’t know how much further down this rabbit hole i can go...

#no one will read this but if you do please help #this is literally my cry for help so as is tradition i expect to be ignored and for that i am not but but if you do read and have any advise #i'd love to hear it #tw//#trigger warning//#ocd #bipolar #mania #depression #suicide mention//#okay i don't know what else to trigger tag this with...#because i really don't want people who don't want to see this be seeing it #but also like i said if you do especially if you found this by the ocd bipolar depression mania etc tag and have any advice to give #hmu if you think you can offer a word of advise or help even a little even if you just have personal experiences you think would be helpful #because i feel so alone in this and i hate it #personal

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yvmoveon · 5 years

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Here is another mini storytime from yours truly:

So this is so wild so brace yourself. I had a patient the other day. She came to the hospital from a long term care nursing home. She was walking to the bathroom with her walker and accidentally hit her leg against the door. She thought nothing of it. There was only a tiny bump. As the day progressed, she noticed the bump started getting larger and larger. It started off as a penny sized bump but started progressing into the size of a dang soccer ball. She also started to get more short of breath. She told the nurses at the facility that she thinks she should go to the hospital. At first they were not willing but she insisted and persisted.

She arrives at the hospital and she’s in the ER. They draw labs and her hemoglobin is stable enough. After some time, she starts yelling uncontrollably, literally screaming at the top of her lungs saying, “it’s gonna burst. It’s gonna burst!!!!” The ER nurse returns and sees her leg has doubled in size. (She’s bleeding out yall. She was on a blood thinner and blood thinner makes it easier for you to bleed.) She tells the doctor obviously and draws stat labs from the patient. Hemoglobin is now critically low. From 11 to now 6.9. 😱 This woman continues screaming at the top of her lungs, “OMG ITS GONNA BURST” and guess what? HER LEG BURSTS OPEN THERES A FLOOD OF BLOOD EVERYWHERE. The ER nurse said in her thirty years as a nurse she’s never seen anything like that. THE SURGEONS WERE LIKE 😦.

So the vascular team comes running in and they put a stitch in the artery to stop the bleeding. NO ANAGELSICS (pain medication) just raw, cutting her and sewing her. This woman is crying bloody murder. Traumatizing. Anyways they give her 4 units of blood in order to combat the bleeding.

She stablizes a little and now the day I have her, i pre medicate her with a bunch of pain meds cause i know the surgical team is gonna come and do their thing. I am on the other side of the unit when I hear a DEALTHLY SCREAM and i run towards it and i see my patient screaming in agony as the surgical team is changingher dressing. When I tell you screaming, I’m not kidding. It was crazy.

If her leg had bursted at the facility she was at, she could have died. I kept reminding her that she is a miracle. Cause mannnn 😶

#p #nursing #medicine #a miracle #a few people have told me they like hearing my work stories so here you go

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hottakeswithdasom · 7 years

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500 Days of Summer

More like 500 days of dumber am i right

Literally horrible

Just the worst

I cant believe i watched that with my own eyes

Once again the white heteros strike back with even more filth that would make ScarJo vom. Jk

Its the same sickeningly sweet love story about a boy at his "corporate soul-sucking" job meets girl there working as the hot...wait for it... ~☆secretary☆~. Seriously? Just watch The Office. At least its actually funny. And her name is...SUMMER. WOAH. They make out at an office bar/karaoke party, but not before theres a highly intellectual conversation about how she thinks that women should be more independent abt relationships in general(like...ok) and the MC (i fukin forgot his stage name so lets call him Bob) is like "uhh but dont u care abt being married and stuff" and shes like "no not rlly" and then his JACKASS DRUNK FRIEND comes over and is like "ha does that mean ur a lesbian". Somehow, she has the self control to not rip off his dick and respond "yea women can be independent". Drunk friend guy is like "woahhh ur like a dude now". Filth

By the way, the entire movie is displayed in the typical "Vignettes scattered around for some reason" form. Its supposed to be like each day is a day of summer and so each vignette is out of 500 days. Yeah? Ok.

So Bob and Summer start going out, doing typical quirky indie stuff like listen to Beatles and The Smiths records, shouting "Penis" in a public park with children in it for no reason other to be quirky, pretending they live as husband and wife at Ikea, you know. Ugahhab they make an "Asian family" joke that makes me want to stab their eyes out. They basically start running around Ikea, being nasty lovey dovey making out on a bed in PUBLIC and Bob whispers to her "Theres an asian family in our bathroom" and the camera pans to see an asian family in the bathroom watching them.

Im so tired of asians being the butt of a joke, LIKE BILLY BOB AND SUMMER WERENT SUPPOSED MOVE THEIR WHITE NASTY ASSES OUT OF IKEA like assholes the family was minding their own fucking business and these horny bitches think they own the ikea get tf outta here that shit isnt just unfunny its racist as hell. Its supposed to make me think "aha asians? Thats so random. They shouldnt be in this movie at all, in fact, thats why its funny. Because anywhere they go, it'll always be unnatural. Even ikea."

ANYWAYS later theyre at a bar and Summer doesnt rlly want to talk to Bob and a stereotypically cartoon villian guy tries to hit on her and when she turns him down, he's like "whaaaaa but im so hot" and shes like "nah" and hes like "ok whatever i cant believe thats ur boyfriend though" and then BOB PUNCHES HIM BECAUSE OF THAT???? Like ughbsbsb so selfish he wasnt even doing it for her, he was just doing it for his manly pride. NOT EVEN SELF-DEFENSE LIKE FUCK OFF

A happy surprise, Summer is mad at Bob for doing that, but Bob doesnt think so. Later he practically makes her apologize to him as if what he did wasnt messed up??

They eventually break up, and he goes through the Im gonna win her back phase, where he goes to a party that she throws and tries to woo her with a gift. Its an architecture book. Oh yeah he wants to be an architect by the way, but instead for some reason he works at a greeting card company. He writes greetings. Thats all he does. The corporate man bringing him down amirite. Surprise surprise, its not her favorite thing in the world, and she reveals that shes engaged. Bob storms outta there and spends the next several months coming late to work, drinking combinations of whiskey and orange juice and twinkies. Nasty.

His boss keeps kindly asking him to up his work rate REASONABLY because hes been depressed and Bob basically is like fuck off. Finally, at a board meeting, Bob flips the fuck out and screams at all of coworkers that life is meaningless, and that theyre all wasting their lives writing meaningless shit on greeting cards and he gets the chance to say he quits. He isnt even fired he just gets to quit.

Oh yeah side note, throughout the whole movie theres this littles girl that i think is supposed to be Bob's sister and she gives him love advice??? Shes like 12??? She says "dont be a pussy"???? Like wow edgy ok

Anyways so he quits his job and idk he starts wanting to be an architect again, as shown by this unnecessary montage of him drawing buildings on his chalkboard wall in his bedroom.

He meets Summer on a park bench one day, and shes basically like "i hope u find someone" and hes like "ok". Then he goes to an interview to be an architect, when, lo and behold, theres ANOTHER GIRL applying for the same job and the narrator is like "And this is how Bob realized that miracles dont exist". Bob asks her out and shes says her name is Autumn. WOAHHHSHAHBAHAJSJJWKEHDBH GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE SYMMMMMMMMBOLISMMMMMMM

This was worse than the hetero logic in How I Met Your Mother, and almost everything was the same. Even the part about the MC wanting to be am architect. Bc i guess all little white boys dream of becoming an architect-the most painfully math-driven job in the world that is almost nothing like just drawing pretty pictures. And white girls are ok with that for some reason. Like robots

1/10 The hot surgeon friend

1/10 The super kind coworkers at the Hallmark

1/10 idk

=3/10

#500 days of summer #3/10

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