#I PHYSCIALLY CANNOT STOP DRAWING | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

monoton-e · 7 years

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rant below. also i havent typed anything on a physical keyboard in months so excuse my mistakes i am not even going to proofread this shit because i am honestly so emotional rn i dont care for spelling errors

like. I dont even want to get my first tattoo next week anymore because i can really use the money elsewhere but like??? I havent done something big for myself in forever and this is a form of celebration for me being self harm free for a year and im like. why. do would i rather cut up my arms for days to come than to stay clean and be happy for myself. Im giving up on school, theres nothing I m passi onate about an y more andim just so tir e d of existing,.

i just,

i don tk now any more and it hurts be on adaily. Im sick and tired of living in such a negative house hold but i know i wontb e able to save up ebough to ever move out adn that makes me evne more depressed uhgdfgbjxncv bsdfiugandfjgv like take me away someone, somewhere, where i can a little bit happier and actually try to do all the positive things i want for myself without feeling like shit for even thinking about it. i want to --- i need to move out asap but if i do i wont be able to make ends meet at all and the on ly person who i can move out with rn has no job and realistically speaking wouldnt want to or be able to pay for half or move out of the city (i live in Los Angeles and lemme tell you its fucking beautiful and amazng but a STUDIO, NOT EVEN 1 BEDROOM apartment is over $1,200 and I only make minimum wage ) and i just dfnskd nskjgd i want to move to another place but its too hot where its cheaper and i physcially cannot handle heat so the cold places are better but so far and i dont drive and i jsut. living makes me want to die. i want to cut my hair and ruin it anf i want slit my wrists adn thighs and just destroy myself because the only good thing i can ever do is be depressed. i dont want to die, i just want to be in a better time and place for myself but that wont be happening anytime soon or at all. i want to do art but what can i do with a fine arts degree in drawing and painting? like not even digital art but classic art like no i dont want to be a teacher i want to freelance but that wont get me anywhere where i i can keepo myself stable and self sufficient like uhg. 90% of the things i hear on a daily is complete negativity and i hate it and i cant stand being around my own family again i just want to run away and move in with a friend but that is highlu unlikely too. i want a roomie but then its like i need a car and i can barely afford either or i just want to stop beign alive right now and wake back up when things are okay. I want to change, but i have no drive to and if i just do it i get dragged back down by outside stuff.

I am not strong. I am weak. and the weak like me will not survive no matter how hard i try

#text #mine #dont worry i just #i dont even know anymore #rip #tw

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majesticlolipop · 7 years

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A frank, honest discussion about health

I seem to be too tempted back onto tumblr, so I don’t think it’s fair to be back and not explain why I was gone so long, and why I may go at a drop of a hat again. If you’re a friend or someone who likes me (idk why) then keep reading.

Okay so I’m going to break this into two parts, physical and mental. I have to do physical first, because it’s very intertwined with my mental state too, and it would only make sense if you know what is going on with my physical health.

Physical

Speaking of what’s going on, honestly? I have ZERO clue. I believe I have EDS, but my doctor is so fucking clueless that he just decides that because that disease is rare af, that I can’t have it. I was diagnosed with JIA when I was 4, and have had plenty of other things thrown in since then. Let’s go on to explain what is actually happening in the plainest terms, and as far as I’m aware. My cells? They suck. My cells suck. They are attacking my joints and organs for YEARS. Since I was four. Now, since I was 7, I’ve been on chemotherapy. I’ve also been on and off other cell blockers since then. (Basically, chemo kills off the cells, cell blockers try and make my body not make more, or make them go to the right places). My care has gone down hill, to the point where my digestive system is completely fucked. The digestive doctor is a pretentious cow, who refused to see me for A YEAR AND A HALF even though I was hospitalized, and has since been incredibly bitchy to me. I do not know what I have in my bowel and stomach. the digestive doctor believes its just damage from years of chemo, cell blockers, and pain medication. But my rhuematologist (main doctor) believes it’s related to all the other illnesses I have. this means there’s a difference of opinion. Which means, I had to be taken off ALL of my medications. And, I only see each of these doctors EVERY SIX MONTHS. Not enough care, at all. I just did my first Christmas in years off Chemo. You can imagine it didn’t go well. this week infact, I have only tolerated water. That is it. My skin is peeling, I’m dizzy, I can’t walk, I can’t draw, I can barely write this. I’m in pain all day, every day. I can’t warm up, I can’t breathe. The day after Christmas saw me being rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack, which turned out to be my chest bones so incredibly swollen that the pressure made my heart rate be incredibly high and my respiration extremely low. And you know what they did? Nothing. They sent me home with the pain killers that I take anyway. I am so incredibly lost in a body that I don’t want.

Which leads me onto my next point:

Mental (tw: mentions of sexual assault, emotional abuse, death, grief)

My mental health, as you can imagine, is completely shattered. I left tumblr because it was my safe place, and it turned into this toxic, hate filled place where I couldn’t find solace. It was good for my mental health to leave, but leaving meant feeling alone. I used to have so many friends on here, and when they were all gone, I was broken. But I was broken anyway. My physical health has taken a huge toll on my mental health. I had to leave college. I can barely take care of myself. I live alone now, as my mother moved in with her new partner, and I find it hard to deal with the loneliness. I feel so unbareably lonely, like the world could swallow me up and I wouldn’t care. I have picked myself up off the floor sobbing countless times. I had to leave college, and that was heartbreaking for me. My health keeps me out of education, and as most of you know, all I want to do is go to college. My extended family does not understand my health. They don’t understand my choices. They don’t understand that it was either leave college, or work myself to the point of serious physical danger. That has been very hard to mentally deal with. To deal with being a dissapointment, and not be physcially able to do anything about it, even though all you want to do is prove them wrong. As some of you may know, christmas/New Years is a very hard time for me. I was emotionally abused by my ex partner, someone who has fucked me up so much that even though it’s coming on 5 years, I still cannot get into another relationship. For the last few years, he has done somethings online, mentioned me what have you. I didn’t even check this year if I was vagueblogged or vaguetweeted about because I just didn’t have it in me to hurt more. Our relationship ended on the day something bad happened to me. I was sexually assaulted/abused by someone, and my emotional abusive boyfriend at the time took this as cheating. It wasn’t. Three years ago on the 21st of Dec, my dad passed away. This year, for some reason, was the hardest. I found it extremely hard to keep up with my demons. I think, a reason is that I had a biopsy taken of my bowel and stomach without being sedated. When I was getting my stomach one done, I had a complete PTSD attack, to the point where I was a mess. I begged them to stop for a moment so I could calm down, they refused and restrained me on the bed. This resulted in me being incredibly unwell mentally, and a little damage to my stomach. And ever since that day, i still haven’t felt 100 percent okay in my mind. Everything seems raw. Everything seems hard. I spent christmas eve, and a lot of christmas day alone for the first time in my life. It was much harder than I thought it was going to be to deal with. We all have demons, and I like to be alone. But there’s a difference than being alone, and being alone with your demons and unable to escape. Honestly? Every day is a struggle. But I’m getting there. I can’t promise I’ll be back on here a lot. It depends on how much drama there is.

I do appreciate you all. I write for the Mighty now, you can follow me my name is Katherine Reynolds on it.

As always, Peave and Love

Katch x

#personal #health #hey want a very sad post about how my life is shit #here you go #trigger warnings: mentions of abuse

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