#He's definitely at rock bottom which means I get to rebuild him either better or worse

[technofinch]

I think Mulligan's character arc from this point hinges entirely on whether anyone brings him a bagel in the next, oh, 8 or so hours

#He's definitely at rock bottom which means I get to rebuild him either better or worse #Personally I would make him worse.... but maybe he's earned happiness... or learned that happiness isn't supposed to be earned... #Also I just want to make Miranda's life better bc she's DEFINITELY earned it #Sorry I've gotten too many followers recently I need to post silly things abt my ocs to scare them off

[avelera]

Oof, ok, I deleted about 500 words from near the end of the night of writing last night, just some back and forth between Nicky and Joe that didn’t quite take it in any direction I wanted to go in and wasn’t good enough to feel bad about cutting. 

The bit about “how they met” was left in though because it really is the event I think Crusader Nicky would have the most connection to and want to know the most about. After all, he saw the beginning of their fight he just doesn’t know how it ended or anything after he died the first time. 

He’s also curious about stuff like what was Joe thinking about HIM that day, like he noticed Joe up on the wall, did Joe notice him? (Crusader Nicky had a crush even if it was one of those crushes where you think you hate the other person because you just FEEL so much around them, and Joe is finding it secretly endearing as hell that this murderous knight version of Nicky is so obviously asking if Joe liked him back without seeming to realize that what he felt for Joe was a crush). 

(Below the cut is a bunch of rambling as I work through how to write an emotional climax for this story that isn’t just a giant info dump so we can go from there to the physical climax of the story.)

But then the next thing I realized I need to do is come up with my own timeline of how they ended up together. Obviously there’s a lot of great takes out there, but I want one unique to this story. I don’t want them to have stopped being enemies right away, because there has to be a legit reason for Joe to be scared when Nicky forgets everything, they didn’t just run away together off the battlefield or otherwise it would be tragic  to lose 900 years of Nicky’s memory but at least they’d still be in love. 

No, what Joe is staring down the barrel of is decades of winning Nicky back based on their first time, at best, and that was with a path to them ending up together that was so unlikely and complicated that he’s genuinely scared that it might be impossible to replicate. 

Like, they were both 30-somethings when they met, on either side of the same war. Sure there were a lot of differences but also a lot of similarities between where they were in life. Now he’s 900+ years old and has an immortal’s perspective on the world while Nicky is 33 and a religious fanatic. If Nicky doesn’t get his memory back, how the heck are they going to have anything in common anymore? Will it even be possible to rebuild? And if they can, will it take another 50 years for Nicky to go through the personal journey needed to be someone who could love Joe back?

Now, the 50 years number was a little bit random, and if I come up with a better timeline I’m not against subbing it out. Right now, though, I’m trying to figure out what 50 years means against the wider backdrop of the Crusades 1-3. 50 years is about how long it was before the Second Crusade, which was a disaster for the Europeans, was called. So I’m kinda seeing a version of events where Nicky:

1) was horrified by the sack of Jerusalem and felt the need to do penance by staying in the Holy Land (and sending word back to his family that he’d died there, which isn’t actually a lie) 

2) He was there for the founding of the Crusader States and feels some responsibility to make this new Christian Jerusalem work and maybe not repeat the sins of its founding but 

3) as time goes on and the Crusader States get more political and less spiritual, he gradually loses his investment in making them work as a state institution and is really only interested in preserving the safety of pilgrims in the Holy Land, which is after all the people he SET OUT to protect. 

4) So when he hears that the Second Crusade is being called he’s just fucking DONE with EVERYTHING. Europeans fucked this whole thing up and it sounds like it’s just going to happen AGAIN, so he goes rogue and just becomes this sort of reverse highwayman with no allegiance to anyone who protects travelers and pilgrims.

5) Throughout all of this, Joe has been on the Fatimid side of the conflict, fighting the good fight against the Franks and the Turks, occasionally reinventing himself when it becomes clear he doesn’t age (there’s definitely a version of events that could exist where his first 50 years is ALSO immensely complicated, but I’m not sure it serves THIS particular story). 

But the whole time, he and Nicky just keep RUNNING INTO each other. It’s like Coyote and Roadrunner, he just can’t get AWAY from this guy! - Which is kind of my “oh yeah this fic was supposed to be a comedy” way of explaining their enemies-to-lovers arc. So by the time he encounters reverse-highwayman Nicky he’s just like, “I can’t NOT bring him home, look at him, he’s disgusting and hasn’t bathed in weeks and has no idea how to live outside a city but bless him he’s trying for his own crazy moral reasons.”

That’s what I was up to, but I kinda realized in the process what was really happening: Nicky’s redemption arc. Joe couldn’t realistically forgive this guy until Nicky hit rock bottom in not forgiving himself for being an invader. With him becoming a smelly vagrant after being a shiny murderous knight, we’ve finally had his whole arc from actual villain to former villain who has put in the work towards his own redemption.

Now, Nicky’s not just going to switch sides immediately and join the Fatimids, he still has some loyalty left to his side, but that does come eventually (with Saladin, my history crush is showing, he just seems like someone Nicky and Joe would work with idk). So you’ve got this couple decades in the middle I guess where Joe is still on the Fatimid side but Nicky is a free agent? Then after Saladin dies, they both leave the Holy Land because they’re so DONE with the constant fighting and also it’s been 100 years and the conflict is beginning to look less like anything that was happening when they were still mortal? None of this is really in the fic it’s just a rough sketch I keep in my head for what Joe knows about the first 100 years of his and Nicky’s immortality. 

But to pivot this SOMEHOW to flirty/sexy times, I gotta get them on the topic of like, when did we stop killing each other and start making out, because without the war hanging over them Crusader Nicky is very curious about the making out part. So I guess... probably what happened is yeah, Joe took Nicky in because the poor guy was pathetic and also there was this crackling sexual tension they’d had on the battlefield, and also Nicky has clearly hit rock bottom and done literally 50 years of penance so maybe he really is sorry. I don’t think Nicky showered and they just immediately jumped into bed, but I can see another fic where there was crackling sexual tension in Yusuf’s home that was frankly unbearable before it finally broke a few weeks or months later.

OR, I could see a version where they’d had sex before, after a battle, but still parted ways so that’s kind of crackling between them too (maybe it was even more than once) but this living together thing is a whole new level of “let’s give this a shot without stabbing each other for once, hmm?”

Hmm, much to think about. 

#maggie's writing progress #tog fic

[tiannarosetarot]

Wonho Current Energy Reading - June 29th

Very long reading ahead, but I hope you’ll check it out! 

There is a lot going on, yet at the same time things feel very balanced. Wonho has just announced his new fandom name and has made his first vlive. This already feels like he has passed over the first major hurdle. He’s been slowly climbing back up from basically rock bottom. Ever since that terrible day in October, he is rebuilding his image, his self esteem and his career. He’s been holding back quite a bit, reasonably so, but I’ve thought since the beginning that when he makes a vlive, that’s when we’ll know. His vlives are extremely special to Monbebe and he has always used the platform to share his life with us and bring us along on his journey. I know that now that he is comfortable enough to go live with us again, he has passed that difficult checkpoint, and will hopefully be able to do it a lot now. It’s kinda like when a couple first confesses that they love each other. At first it is scary and awkward, and they’re not sure whether they should say it. But once they do, now they’re able to say it all the time to each other. I think vlive is Wonho’s way of saying ‘I love you’. And if he’s afraid we might not say it back, that will be extremely harmful to him. I think he needed to wait until he felt comfortable enough that we would reciprocate his feelings. Throughout this process there has been a lot of negativity and people attacked him for something he didn’t even do. So the fact that he feels strong enough to show himself to us again in the way he used to is incredibly special. 

 Wonho also used this vlive as a way to announce his fandom name with us, which is Wenee. I’m a little worried, because I see a lot of people who aren’t super happy with the name. I’ll admit that it seemed a little strange at first, but after knowing the backstory behind it, I know that it will become super special to us, as he pushed for this name himself. In order to make sure that Wonho feels ready and comfortable to fully come back, we need to make sure that we’re sending positive energy and messages towards him. He is a pretty sensitive person (which is a good thing), but I know that in the past he has sometimes taken negative comments to heart. It is important that we project into the universe what we want to happen. Whether you believe in this stuff or not, there is some truth that if you try really hard for something to happen, it definitely can. So let’s make sure Wonho doesn’t think we don’t like his choices, or he may stop trusting in his abilities. Let’s trust that he knows what he’s doing and can make his own decisions. We are his fans, and it is our job to support him in what he does. To reiterate this once again, the fact that he released a fandom name is much more important than what the name actually is. It means he is moving in the right direction to coming back into the industry. Even if you wish he were back in Monsta X, let’s trust in his new achievements now and worry about that later. Just because he’s becoming a solo artist doesn’t mean the chance of him coming back is completely off the table. And again, hopefully we realize that it is better to have him back in the music industry even without being part of Monsta X, than not have him back at all. 

Now onto the cards ~

There is a new start for Wonho coming. He needs to work on his insecurities in order to achieve his dreams, because these things may be holding him back from doing so. There is also this feeling that he doesn’t really want to move on. He’s a little stuck in the past, wishing things were back the way they were. He is missing the group activities and the family he has been a part of for so long. But I think he’s finally realizing that the rest of the members are going to be okay without him. Wonho left because he wanted them to still be successful, and I know that he’s been hyping them up with all of their projects. He can trust now that they are doing fine, and take that as a positive sign that he can move forward. He needs to not let his past hold him back from achieving his dreams. He can remember that part of himself, all of the beautiful memories they shared together, without needing to stay in the shadows forever. We can think of this like any other idol who takes on a solo project or album. They work on promoting that for a while, and still can do group projects as well. Although Wonho may not be in the group right now, there is still a chance that could happen in the future. I know a lot of people have given up, which is totally fine, but I do still believe that he could come back somewhere in the future, and to not give up on those dreams just yet. He needs to not allow the hope of that return stop him from moving forward in his life. He needs to take care of his needs and keep fighting for his dreams. 

There is a lot of fire energy in this reading, including a lot of Aries energy. I’m definitely feeling a lot of movement and power coming from this; he is taking back control. Things are happening quite quickly but no longer in a negative way, because he is taking the reins. Things are happening at the right speed for him now. It’s as if he has been using all of this time to sort everything out and now that those things have happened (New Moon in Cancer: he trusts Monsta X is okay, and South Node: he is not letting his past stop him from moving forward) he is able to finally take action. I have a strong feeling that things will all start falling into place now that he has made his vlive and announced the fandom name. Everything has been building up to this moment, and now rather quickly, things will start working out the way they are supposed to. It’s kinda a roller coaster. After leaving Monsta X, he dropped down to the ground. He’s been slowly inching his way back up to the peak, but with a lot of anticipation and maybe some anxious energy. But once he reaches the top he sees where he needs to go. He’s on top of the world again. And he can now soar down the steep track and enjoy the ride; as all of that pent up energy is being released. (I know Wonho hates heights so maybe this isn't the best analogy, but roller coasters are meant to be fun and exciting. I really want to emphasize that this isn’t like he’s reached the top and it’s only downhill now. This is a super exciting drop that will allow him to really set everything in motion. 

The New Moon in Aries card is a big sign for him to be able to achieve anything he puts his mind to. He may still have a long way to go on this journey (Aries is the first sign of the zodiac), but he’s definitely getting there. He is making sure he does things correctly this time, and he is taking all the time he needs to really make sure he’s ready. He wants to figure out the logistics so that he can be able to have it easier later on. The only problem with this is that he might get so tied up into making everything perfect that he never actually takes action. But seeing that he released his fandom name shows that is not the case, and I hope this strategy works well for him. I think he has a really good foundation which will allow him to grow into an amazing artist again, so we need to be patient in his efforts. He knows what he is doing. 

I’m really glad that the Justice card came up in this reading. This whole situation has been based around a legal matter, an accusation that Wonho did something unethical. However he has been proven innocent and has been given a second chance. Through this card, we are reminded that justice does prevail. Love does win, and people who do the right thing will come out on top. Maybe not always, and maybe not often either, but Wonho worked way too hard to have this all taken away from him so quickly. So the fact that he’s coming back just proves that things are working the way they are supposed to, and that hopefully there is a change happening in the kpop industry. I want to point out a quote from this card which says “Even though events in our life may seem unjust, there is a divine order to the universe.” This reminds me a lot of Wonho’s situation. This whole time we’ve been thinking that what happened to him was unfair, but maybe there is some reason why this happened. There is a hope that can be found in this card, that this event will only make him, Monsta X, and Monbebe stronger. This card can also symbolize weighing all sides before making an important decision, which I do think is what he is doing. It is important he thinks this all through before taking any big risks he might regret later. 

The Three of Cups reversed represents overindulgence or an attempt to escape from the unpleasant aspects of life. It could also represent alone time and independence. The upright version of this card represents the opposite; celebration, friendship, community. Wonho is starting out on his own after being part of a group for so long. He has the opportunity to make many more decisions now and get a lot closer to the fans. He has a newfound independence that could have negative and positive aspects to it. He could be enjoying all of this freedom, but he may be overwhelmed in the amount of things he has to do. It’s no longer all being split between 7 members and in the kpop world, solo artists normally have to work harder to become and stay popular. I also sense a loneliness, and a possible emptiness that he’s feeling going through the steps again of things like announcing a fandom name, and eventually a debut, comeback stages and maybe someday his own concerts. In the past he experienced all of these major moments with his members, but he’s venturing out on his own now. He needs to remember that he still has his fans by his side, and therefore he isn’t truly alone. 

This situation really is like he’s starting all over again though. He’s relearning how to do all of these things that he may not have done in a while. I could tell he was slightly out of practice trying to do aegyo today. I think he’s trying extremely hard to learn everything he can. He’s been learning English and Japanese, maybe other languages too. He’s been taking his time to make sure he makes careful decisions. He’s really being like the apprentice in the Eight of Pentacles, working hard through repetitive tasks and using keen attention to detail in order to master his craft. The second time around, he has the opportunity to do things with more ease and enjoy the moments that he may have been too nervous during the first time around. I’m really proud of how hard he is trying lately to better himself, and feel even more inspired by him than normal. He doesn’t want to disappoint, and I know that anything Wonho releases will only be after extreme thought and with thorough execution so I really hope that we can see that. 

I’m so happy to be a Wenee now, and I want to say happy birthday to my fellow new fandom! Although I’ve been with many of you before, we need to get used to the fact that there will be new Wonho fans who have not known him as a member of Monsta X. I hope we can accept them into this family because the people I’ve grown to know through Monsta X are some of the most amazing people ever. I’m so proud to be part of these two beautifully intertwined fandoms and I can't wait to see what happens in the future. Don’t give up on hoping and be patient for what Wonho as well as the universe has prepared. I believe it will to be even better than anything we could’ve imagined. 

#wonho #wenee #tarotreading #tarot reading #kpop tarot

[nitewrighter]

Mccree seeing Hanzo in his summer skin?

Whoops this turned out really long. I want you all to know I had “Moving in Stereo” by the Cars playing on repeat when I wrote the “Hanzo emerging from the water” scene.

—

“Sorry it’s taking so long…Angela’s better at this than me,” said Genji, having to raise his voice slightly over the buzz of the razor.

Hanzo’s neck hurt a little from tilting his head for so long. “Because letting Angela go at my head with a razor is a wonderful idea.”

“It is, because she’s a surgeon, and she touches up my hair all the time,” said Genji, there was a smile in his voice, “You’re not… afraid of her, are you?”

“Afrai–” Hanzo huffed, “I’m just able to pick up that she’s clearly uncomfortable around me and protective of you,” his voice dropped slightly, “And you can hardly blame her for that.”

“The worst she would do is shave a dick into the side of your head,” said Genji, pushing hair off of the back of Hanzo’s neck. Hanzo shot him a glare from the corner of his eye that he could manage to see Genji in. “Which…” Genji added, “Obviously, she wouldn’t do.”

“You would do that,” muttered Hanzo.

“Which is why I’m amazed you asked me to help out with this,” said Genji, that smile still in his voice as he continued to shave the back of Hanzo’s head.

“How is this so easy for you?” the words fell out of Hanzo and Genji paused, the tickle of the razor and the sound of its buzz against Hanzo’s scalp ceasing.

“What do you mean?” asked Genji.

“You can just say, ‘Let’s go to the beach!’ as if we don’t have decades of trauma and centuries of our family’s crimes to deal with,” said Hanzo.

“You’re finally off probation,” said Genji, “I thought you’d want to celebrate.”

“Yes, let’s celebrate your friends no longer pointing their weapons in my direction if I so much as sneeze suspiciously,” muttered Hanzo.

“Talon did ask you to join them 3 times–and you did have that whole thing with-”

“Baptiste defected,” Hanzo cut him off, “And I don’t know how many more times I have to tell you that was years ago.”

“You know it isn’t personal on their end,” said Genji.

“Except for the part where they all mostly know me as the man who nearly killed you,” said Hanzo.

“It’s gotten better,” Genji set the razor aside and put his prosthetic hand on Hanzo’s shoulder in a comforting gesture, but the reminder that that arm was prosthetic just made Hanzo’s guts tie up in knots more, “And it’s going to keep getting better. You know what I think?”

Hanzo’s shoulder’s slumped and he rolled his eyes, “What do you think, Genji?”

“I think you’re just getting anxious because this is a chance to see my teammates when they’re not on duty. This is a chance to let people get to know you outside of your skills on a mission–and you should have a life outside of missions–outside of…” Genji gestured between them, “Outside of trying to rebuild our family. When was the last time you were able to just… be with people? In a group?”

A long silence passed and Hanzo furrowed his brow.

“You know you left the entire right side of my head unshaved,” was all Hanzo responded with.

Genji just shrugged and turned the razor back on.

——

The Rock of Gibraltar loomed over the beach. McCree never really thought of their watchpoint as ‘looming,’ but looking at it now, he could definitely understood why locals kept their distance from it. You couldn’t even see the Watchpoint from their angle, but the knowledge of who was living up there, what kind of trouble they could bring to civilians in the area, was enough to make McCree’s stomach tense up slightly as he looked around the beach. Still, it felt freeing to feel the water rush up around his ankles with each wave. Overwatch duties could wait for now. Everyone needed a break eventually, even rogue vigilante peacekeeping organizations, he supposed.

It was a hot, crowded day, and a handful of Overwatch members were taking advantage of the crowds at the beach to slip in and try and snag a few hours of relaxation for themselves. A good amount of them were either off-watchpoint on missions (Like Pharah and Zenyatta) or looking after their own careers (like Lúcio and D.Va). And of course Jack was probably obsessing over Reaper’s next step, as usual. McCree itched for a cigar, or even a cigarette, but he was at least not enough of an asshole to subject crowds like this to secondhand. If he was, Mercy would probably knock it right out of his mouth anyways.

“Ahh,” Mercy stretched her arms high above her head, her seersucker swimsuit cover-up ruffling in the ocean breeze, “I can’t remember the last time I was able to get out like this!”

McCree shuffled behind her, sand finding its way between foot and flip-flop, tilting the brim of his hat back with his thumb. “It’s good to see you gettin’ some sun, Doc,” he said, looking out at the water.

“I could say the same for you,” said Mercy, “Finally off those ‘probationary agent’ duties. I still think it wasn’t fair of Jack to saddle you with all that—”

“They weren’t all bad,” said McCree with a shrug, “He’s–” McCree nearly said, ‘He’s not all bad’ but caught himself. Mercy was still probably the toughest nut to crack with regards to Hanzo’s presence on the Watchpoint.

“Finally settling in,” Mercy said crisply, “He’s finally settling in.”

One corner of McCree’s mouth tugged up in a smirk.

“I know he grew on you,” said Mercy, adjusting the brim of her own wide hat, “You don’t need to act like he didn’t for my sake.”

“He didn’t–I mean, I just figured it was too much energy to keep being as pissed with him as I was—”

“Jesse,” Mercy’s shoulder’s slumped in that almost motherly conciliatory way of hers.

“He’s really…” McCree started and then itched at the brim of his hat, not really sure how to finish that sentence. He shook his head, deciding to take the focus of the conversation off of himself. “You think he’ll ever grow on you?” McCree tilted his head and Mercy followed McCree’s gaze out over the sparkling waters.

“I don’t know,” Mercy admitted, “A part of me wants to trust him, for Genji’s sake, but so much of me just… can’t.”

“For Genji’s sake,” said McCree.

“Yes,” Mercy tucked a bit of hair back from her face.

“Heeeeeyyy!” a familiar voice yelled across the beach and  both Mercy and McCree glanced over in the direction of its source to Brigitte and Torbjörn a couple dozen yards away, sitting on a few beach towels with an umbrella and cooler nearby. Torbjörn was busying himself with rubbing on another layer of sunscreen, but Brigitte was waving her arms above her head, signaling them to come over. Mercy and McCree exchanged glances, then picked up their pace to close the distance between them.

“Angela!” Brigitte’s voice was bright, “You’re out of the lab!”

“I should probably be concerned with how surprised people act when that happens, shouldn’t I?” said Mercy, smiling a little.

“Probably,” said Brigitte, opening the cooler and handing them each a packet, “Here. Take these quick. We miscalculated on the cooler’s insulation so they’re melting.”

“I didn’t miscalculate anything!” Torbjörn blustered, still rubbing sunscreen on himself, “These are clearly inferior and cheap popsicles!”

Brigitte rolled her eyes, “Just take them,” she said, as McCree and Mercy opened their popsicles. McCree’s was strawberry, Mercy’s was orange cream.

“I see you two actually came all set up,” said Mccree, licking at the bottom of his popsicle before red could drip onto his knuckles.

“But of course!” said Torbjörn, “We Lindholms work hard and play hard!”

“Don’t believe him,” said Brigitte, “He’s got a nannycam on the watchpoint anti-aircraft turrets. He’s been checking his tablet every 5 minutes.”

“Stop calling it a nannycam!” said Torbjörn.

“Stop calling the turrets ‘babies,’” said Brigitte with a smirk.

“Why of all the–” Torbjörn huffed and seized another popsicle out of the cooler, muttering as he unwrapped it and bit off a chunk of it.

“Where’s Genji?” asked Brigitte, craning her neck to look around, “He didn’t come here with you?”

“He’s coming, he just had some things to wrap up at the Watchpoint first,” said Mercy.

“Guess he’s gotta babysit his brother now that Jack let me off the hook,” said McCree with a shrug, sliding the last bits of popsicle off its stick with his teeth.

“Don’t tell me the probation’s over already?” said Torbjörn.

“Congrats on the new team member?” McCree shrugged.

“So he’s actually staying?” said Brigitte, “But he’s so… ‘Hmph!’” she passed her hand in front of her face and her expression theatrically shifted to a furrowed brow and deep frown. Mercy snickered.

“Well, the only sniper we’ve got is Ana, and she’s focused on medic stuff half the time,” said McCree, “I mean, I don’t think it would hurt.”

“Huh! I guess you would know,” Brigitte shrugged, “I mean, you spent more time with him than anyone here.”

“Well, yeah–that was my job,” said McCree, a bit more harshly than he meant to say.

Brigitte blinked, “Sorry, did I come off as rude with that last comment?”

“What?” said McCree, “No.”

“It’s just you seem a little agitated—”

“I–” McCree huffed and cut himself off, “I’m fine. It’s fine. You got anything to drink in that cooler?”

“Thought you’d never ask!” said Torbjörn.

—

“I can’t do this,” said Hanzo, as they walked across the beach. Hanzo’s stomach was still twisting at the sight of the scars that scored Genji’s arms and face. Genji’s prosthetic legs were on full display with his ridiculously short workout shorts.The way Genji talked about the shame he felt about his own body in years past, it was a bit of a relief to see Genji walking around dressed like he did back in their youth, but it also faced Hanzo with his own mistakes. But what could he do? Ask Genji to don a full wetsuit for his own comfort? When every scar on display was Hanzo’s own doing? Hanzo tried to focus on scanning the crowd for potential threats rather than look directly at Genji.

“It’s really not that bad—” said Genji.

“Why am I doing this? Why are you wearing that?!” said Hanzo, gesturing at Genji’s open-sided tank top.

Genji glanced down at the words ‘BAE WATCH’ splayed across his chest in large block letters. “Because it’s fun?” he suddenly perked up, “Oh! There’s Angela.”

Hanzo followed Genji’s line of sight to a small gathering at a beach umbrella. McCree and Mercy were facing away from them, blocking out whoever was under the umbrella. McCree was still wearing a cowboy hat with his swim trunks. Of course he was. They all seemed to be having a pleasant time talking, and Genji started walking towards them when Hanzo suddenly stuck a hand out in front of Genji’s chest.

“What?” said Genji.

“Hold this,” Hanzo handed Genji his vest.

“Sure–” Genji started but Hanzo split off from him and started wading into the water, “Wait–but the others are–!” Genji cut himself off as Hanzo submerged his head. Genji’s shoulders slumped a little, still holding Hanzo’s vest, “It’s fine!” he called out to the water, “I’ll just tell them you’re swimming!”

—

“…but you guys are still sharing the dormitories?” said Brigitte, slipping a cozy on her beer can.

“We aren’t sharing the dormitories–they’re dormitories–there’s like 12 beds down there, not exactly sharing,” said McCree.

“I’d say it’s sharing if there’s no walls,” said Torbjörn.

“It’s not sharing,” said McCree flatly.

“There is still that last admin apartment,” said Mercy, “You could take that.”

“God, no, I’m not pulling that ‘odd couple’ shit,” said McCree.

“…I mean just you. You singular. You would take the apartment and Hanzo would stay in the dormitories,” said Mercy.

“…Oh,” said McCree. He took a long gulp from his own beer then.

“I mean if you wanted to take the apartment with him, I wouldn’t stop you–” Mercy started but McCree sputtered and coughed.

“You okay?” said Brigitte as McCree coughed for an awkwardly long time.

“Fine–” McCree coughed, “Just–fine—” he coughed some more.

“Yo!” Genji’s voice rang out from behind him and McCree swiveled on his heel.

“Gen–” he coughed, “–ji! You made it!”

“Of course I’m here,” said Genji, tossing a white vest over his shoulder and swinging an arm around Mercy’s waist, “I heard a certain doctor would be in a swimsuit and I came running.”

Mercy snorted and rolled her eyes before leaning into his embrace and kissing him on the cheek. “I can’t believe you’re wearing the tank top,” she said, grinning.

“You love this tank top,” said Genji, returning the kiss.

An “Aw!” fell out of Brigitte while Torbjörn just rolled his eyes and grumbled.

“Guess Hanzo chickened out, then?” said McCree.

“Oh no, he’s still here,” said Genji, “Just decided to cool off. He really is looking forward to spending time with all of you!”

No one really had the heart to tell Genji when it was painfully obvious that Hanzo had said no such thing.

“Well,” Brigitte offered helpfully, digging through the cooler and tossing Genji a popsicle, “When he gets here, there’s popsicles and beers and sodas with his name on them!”

—

Hanzo’s eyes were squeezed shut beneath the water, he could feel the salt clawing at the line of his lips and the creases of his eyelids.

You can’t stay down here forever, he told himself, Literally. You have to breathe.

He permitted his head to break the surface only slightly, letting his nose rise above the water to breathe, and blinked a few times to get the sting of salt away. On the beach, Genji was eagerly chatting with his arm around Mercy’s shoulders, McCree was looking on, and the Lindholms were sitting on beach towels beneath an umbrella. Genji said something Hanzo couldn’t hear from that distance and all five of them laughed. What? What was so funny? Were they talking about him? No, don’t be an idiot–they all had lives well before he came to that watchpoint, it was ridiculous to assume he’d be at the center of all them just by being there. None of them even looked over in his direction.

When was the last time you were able to just… be with people? In a group? Genji’s voice echoed in Hanzo’s mind and no small amount of resentment came over him.

There’s always a bit of bitterness when one is an older sibling and one watches something come more naturally to their younger sibling. Genji was always the more personable between the two of them–Hanzo could hold council with the elders of the clan, but Genji could actually talk to people and not come off as stiff and unnatural. Hanzo couldn’t stand how naturally it came to Genji, and for Hanzo it just became a vicious cycle of throwing himself into his training and clan traditions and then wondering why people only seemed more and more distant to him. Brigitte said something this time and McCree cracked up, the lines of his stomach and ribs tensing with his laugh. Genji glanced over his shoulder towards the water.

Don’t look at me don’t look at me don’t look at me— the words ran as a prayer in Hanzo’s mind.

They made eye contact.

Shit, thought Hanzo, Don’t wave to me. Don’t point me out. Don’t–

Genji waved to him and then glanced back at the others, pointing out Hanzo in the water, saying something inaudible from where Hanzo was.

“Shit,” Hanzo said the word with his mouth still below the water and it broke the water’s surface as a silent bubble. Well if he stayed out here any longer it would just get more and more awkward unless he made a big show of doing a backstroke or something–but no, he was in the water and he was staring so he had to come out now. Hanzo brought his head up out of the water and took a deep breath. “Very well, Genji,” he muttered under his breath, wading towards the shore.

—

“See?” said Genji putting his hands on his hips, “I told you he’d be happy to join us.”

“So you really had to drag him out here, huh?” McCree smirked, mindlessly chewing on his popsicle stick.

“I didn’t have to drag him–he actually does like the beach. He was always better at fishing than me,” said Genji.

“Sure. Ten bucks says he’s going to fake being caught up in a riptide before he…” McCree trailed off as Hanzo got out of the water, “comes…” Water was dripping down the dip of Hanzo’s collarbone and glistening over the curve of his pecs, “Over.” The last word fell out of McCree as a murmur, an afterthought as Hanzo brushed water from his brow and swept his hair up off the back of his neck, revealing a freshly-shaved undercut. The sun glared off the water’s surface almost blindingly behind him, leaving the silhouette of his body outlined in blazing gold and greenish-blue, Hanzo’s eyes were downcast–apparently he was attempting to look as casual as possible in coming out of the water, but the result was an inadvertent visual homage to every 80′s movie slow-motion coming-out-of-a-pool scene. With his hair swept up, Hanzo wrung his hair out, sending more water dripping down onto his shoulder muscles and running shining down the lines of his torso, dancing along his ribs and obliques.

 The popsicle stick fell out of McCree’s mouth and landed in the sand. Mercy gave a glance down to the popsicle stick then up at McCree, still staring, utterly transfixed. 

The dragons tattooed on Hanzo’s arm shifted with the muscles of his arm as he tied his hair back in a not-quite bun and he circled his arm in its socket as he closed the distance between himself and the group, his eyes now focusing on them. Genji said something that sounded like ‘How’s the water’ and Hanzo responded with what McCree assumed was ‘Good’ or some equivalent, but if McCree was being honest, whatever they were saying was blurred out of his conscious mind by the extremely distracting visuals of droplets of water running down the contours of Hanzo’s chest and abs. Hanzo dug through one of the pockets of his Hokusai wave-printed swim trunks and took out a strip of white cloth, twisting it and tying it into a headband to keep a stray bang of hair from his face before he made eye contact with McCree and said something.

“What?” said McCree.

“I said ‘Do you have a towel?’” said Hanzo.

“Yeah,” said McCree, still staring.

A long pause passed between them.

“…may I have a towel?” Hanzo asked after some time.

“Oh!” McCree snapped out of his haze, “oh–yeah just–” he looked around, and saw Torbjörn holding up a spare towel. Hanzo reached out for the towel but McCree grabbed it first and then caught himself at how awkward that just was, “Sorry-just–” he stuck the towel out to Hanzo and Hanzo hesitantly took it. Hanzo ran the towel over himself briskly, pressing his face into it and getting under his arms. McCree didn’t really realize he was staring again until he felt Brigitte’s eyes on him and he snapped out of the stupor. Brigitte snorted and McCree made sharp eye contact with her, but she just sipped her beer to suppress a laugh and glanced off before digging through the cooler.

“I…” Hanzo cleared his throat, “To be honest, in spite of how aware I was of the proximity of the sea, it did not occur to me that the Watchpoint would be so close to a beach.”

“We forget about it all the time, ourselves. Overwatch is busy like that. Popsicle?” Brigitte offered.

Hanzo warily took the popsicle and unwrapped it. “Thank you,” he said, blue raspberry already dripping onto his fingers.

“Speaking of the Watchpoint, we were just discussing sleeping arrangements now that you’re on the team,” said Mercy.

Hanzo broke off the end of his popsicle in his mouth. “They’re subject to change?” he tilted his head.

“Well the thing is, is that both you and McCree are in the dormitories, which while, yes, they do have all the amenities, are dormitories, and there’s one administrative apartment left.” 

“We don’t need to talk about this now–” McCree cut in.

“You could take the apartment,” said Genji, looking at Hanzo, “We could be neighbors!”

“That’s hardly fair to those who have been living here for some time,” said Hanzo, “McCree should take it,” Hanzo gave a glance back to McCree, “I know you were concerned you would just ‘trash the place,’ but your teammates obviously value you, so you shouldn’t downplay your—”

“We’ll play it by ear,” McCree blurted out.

Mercy knew she could push for an actual resolution on the matter, but noting McCree’s face she decided not to. 

“You said I was on the team,” said Hanzo, looking at Mercy.

“Well your probation is over,” said Torbjörn.

“But we don’t have to worry about missions right now,” said Brigitte, tossing Hanzo a beer can, “Right now, it’s about relaxing, and taking a breath.” 

“Hm,” Hanzo gave a nod. “I…” he started and then cut himself off.

“Yes?” said Mercy.

“I know… my coming here has disrupted a lot of things, but… it… it does mean a lot to me to get to know all of you.” Hanzo awkwardly bit off more of his popsicle then.

“Han–” Genji started but McCree cut him off.

“It means a lot to have you here, Hanzo,” said McCree.

Everyone’s head swiveled towards McCree.

“Because… you’re… Genji’s family,” McCree tacked on awkwardly, “It’s good to have family here. You two know all about family, right?” said McCree gesturing at the Lindholms.

Brigitte and Torbjörn just stared at him and nodded awkwardly.

“Don’t worry about disrupting things,” said Mercy, swooping in to McCree’s rescue in the awkward silence.

 Hanzo perked up and looked at her with some surprise.

“We’re vigilantes,” said Mercy, “Disruption is a natural state for us. You should just focus on settling in.”

She felt Genji’s eyes on her and she glanced back at him and gave him a little smile. Genji squeezed around her waist a little in response.

“Thank you,” said Hanzo.

There was a brief lull in the conversation and Hanzo’s eyes trailed across the beach. He glanced past several people playing volleyball and his eyes widened.

“What?” said Genji, following his line of sight.

“Fishing pole rentals,” said Hanzo, a bit mindlessly.

“We should get one!” said Genji.

“I’m terribly out of practice—” Hanzo started but Genji broke away from Mercy and grabbed his arm.

 “Come on!” he said, leading him off, “You could catch a mejina! Like the old days!”

“We’re in Gibraltar–The fish aren’t the same here–” Hanzo was protesting but let Genji drag him off. 

McCree watched as they two brothers went off, the muscles in Hanzo’s back, sparkling with salt and shifting as he tried to keep up.

“You’re staring again,” said Mercy, as soon as the Shimada brothers were out of earshot.

“What?” said McCree, snapping his eyes away from Hanzo. “Who’s staring? I wasn’t– Look, I was his probationary officer. It was my job. It’s all force of habit.”

“Wow,” said Brigitte.

“What?!” said McCree.

“Wow,” Brigitte said again.

 Mercy and Torbjörn just cracked open new cans of beer.

#long post #mchanzo #gency

[beersfromthebleachers]

Free Agents 2020 left unsigned for a brand NEW baseball team

It is that time of year again. The month of March draws closer, which means we are closer to Opening Day and baseball season is underway. Spring Training has officially begun for clubs in Arizona and Florida, and players young and old will play their best to make the roster for the first game of the season. Just like every other winter, a wild free agency took place. There always leaves a group of players without homes before Spring Training begins, and there are always enough players left to build a brand new team to play in the majors. There have always been talks of expanding the league a few more teams, it is only a matter of time where it happens for the better or for worse.

This Spring Training, there will be a few featured rosters that are catered to the idea of "what if" teams. The first one that will be focused on is the team of players that are without jobs and could possibly be the stars of a brand new MLB team. Placing in the possibility that some estranged billionaire could afford a brand new team and all of these listed players, they could make the argument of being a sellable team to a brand new city that would be a home of a new baseball team.

Catcher: Jonathan Lucroy, age 33: Lucroy is a seasoned veteran that has done some fine time in the majors for a few ball clubs. He is the best catcher available on the free-agent market for any team that is looking for a catcher that can make all the right plays for his pitcher. The two-time All-Star once led the majors in doubles during his 2014 campaign and finished shy of being the National League MVP for the Milwaukee Brewers. A career .274 hitter, Lucroy would be a good middle-man in the lineup to get on base and bring in runners. The problem where we have seen Lucroy fall from grace as being one of the best is his inability to stay healthy. It has been a real chore for Lucroy to play at least a hundred games, and lately, he has been platooning. Given the opportunity the team has him as the starting catcher for the team, a groomed catching prospect should be behind him taking in the lessons and to split time with Lucroy.

First Base: Yonder Alonso, age 32: Alonso has spent at least a decade in the majors and had the promise of becoming a great first baseman at the end of the last decade. It was his time to shine becoming a good featured player for the Chicago White Sox in an experimental lineup, but did not show his numbers like he did for the Oakland Athletics and the Cleveland Indians. For both the 2017 and 2018 season, Alonso hit for over 20-plus home runs and had an OPS in the .800s. Alonso has the promise to show power at the plate and be a guaranteed glove for first base. He has the best bet on the roster to play the majority of the games of the regular season at the position.

Second Base: Scooter Gennett, age 29: Gennett was one of the youngest players out of the Cincinnati Reds and Milwaukee Brewers' systems, and it seems to be a mystery on why he was used as a trade chip for San Francisco rather than stay for the Reds' rebuild instead. He probably has the best career batting average of this entire lineup sitting at .286. From 2017 and onward, he was hitting closer to .300 and eventually was hitting .310 in his All-Star season in 2018. He also had a great glove in the infield, turning 101 double plays in the same All-Star season. A quick player with effective speed, he knew how to execute plays on both sides of the ball. Unfortunately, Gennett was a part of teams when they were not a winning caliber team and his fundamentals did not go as appreciated. On the right team with a good amount of supporting players, Gennett would be the everyday second baseman and the leadoff hitter for most games.

Third Base: Jung Ho Kang, age 32: Everyone likes a great comeback story when someone has hit rock bottom, just ask Josh Hamilton. Kang was on his way to becoming one of the best phenomes to come out of the Korean baseball system, but was unfortunately overshadowed with his off the field problems with a drunk driving accident in South Korea during the offseason of 2016. The incident cost him his work visa to play the 2017 season for the Pittsburgh Pirates. In his three seasons with the Pirates, the Korean slugger hit 46 home runs and collected 144 RBIs. Sure, the guy has a history behind him, but the third base depth has been slim after the Josh Donaldson signing. Kang would make a case of being a legit cleanup hitter, perhaps pumping those RBI numbers into clearing the bases.

Shortstop: Addison Russell, age 26: Yeah…like I said, everyone likes a great comeback story. Another player that has his offseason troubles was Russell. Despite the domestic abuse of his ex-wife, however, when has that ever stopped the MLB from keeping a player from playing? Russell is the whole package with youth to build a team for years to come. With a World Series ring and an All-Star campaign in the same season as 2016, he knows how to get it down defensively with the glove at the shortstop position. In his time with the Chicago Cubs, he kept the statistic of making sure runs were prevented from being scored; a statistic he shared with Javier Baez. Offensively, Russell struggles at the plate. He has been a career .242 hitter with a high strikeout count. In the given lineup, Russell would be the last hitter. He benefits being on the field defensively anyway.

Left Field: Domingo Santana, age 27: Noted that Santana normally plays right field, there are not plenty of left fielders available in the pool who are still actively playing. Santana has played all three positions in the outfield, so he can definitely fill the shoes of left field. This lineup needs a slugger like Santana, who normally starts the season hot and can hit for the fence. Santana's best season was 2017 with Milwaukee when he hit 30 home runs with 85 RBIs. He has progressed to hit better than his career average since the turn of the last decade, but he has a lot of work cut out for him. He is hitting .259 for his career numbers, which makes him a slugging power hitter. Expect him to hit sixth in the clean-up crew.

Center Field: Austin Jackson, age 33: A team is going to need contact hitters that are going to get on base and move along the bases, and Jackson is the man to do so. Jackson has a career .273 batting average with a total of 114 stolen bases. He and Gennett would go game-to-game figuring out who would be the leadoff man. If Jackson was hitting before Gennett, he is the best chance of being a runner in scoring position if given the opportunity to get on base. A veteran like Jackson would be great leadership for the outfield to look up to on a senior level. He would most likely be the voice of reason for his other two teammates out there.

Right Field: Yasiel Puig, age 29: Well, this team is going to need a good public relations representative if the team is going to employ Kang, Russell, and Puig. Puig is the wildcard of the entire bunch and has been notorious for his antics on the field, but he would up being the primary starter of this team. Since his debut in the MLB, he has always been an insane power hitter. His career home runs sit at 132 in his seven years in the majors. Since leaving the Los Angeles Dodgers, he hit his career-high with 30 with both the Reds and the Indians last season. Puig is also a great weapon in the outfield. He has a cannon for an arm and can definitely prevent a runner trying to score from the outfield. With Puig's youth, he could be the player the team builds around for years to come. He would definitely be the franchise player for the team.

Designated Hitter: Brian Dozier, 32: Another World Series champion that can bring veteran leadership in the clubhouse is Dozier. His last two seasons have not been highlight-worthy, but he can be a great deal of more focus from hitting at the designated hitter spot instead of fielding. Since his All-Star season in 2015, he has averaged 24 home runs a season. He also brings the threat of collecting plenty of RBIs and could benefit hitting anywhere in the lineup, but would most likely be hitting towards the bottom half of it. With his only flaw being his batting average, as his career average sits at .245 which means he is a natural power hitter. Days where Russell or Gennett need a day off, he could take the field and play those infield of either of their positions. After all, he does have a Gold Glove from his last season playing with the Minnesota Twins.

The pitching depth for the free-agent pool is slim, but it does leave enough players to build an experience rotation. A great deal of these pitchers has seen some time in some stressful moments for their former ball clubs, which is why it makes them the best candidates for becoming a solid rotation. They are not the best pitchers of the bunch, but they can definitely make it work.

Ace Pitcher-Aaron Sanchez, age 27: Sanchez had a promising rookie year with the Toronto Blue Jays, and even gave the rotation promise when they were in talks of being a contender during his arrival. After suffering a lingering injury with a blister on his throwing finger, he has never had the opportunity to bounce back and pitch to his best potential. It has been a rollercoaster of a ride for Sanchez to get back into peak form, and it is another reason he was traded to the Houston Astros season during their last playoff run. After being the fifth starter out of the rotation, Sanchez looked like his form was coming back into form while pitching out of the bullpen. The alarming side of this entire rotation is that he holds the lowest career ERA at 3.98; an unimpressive stat line, but it happens to be the best out of the rest of the rotation hopefuls.

Starting Pitcher-Matt Harvey, age 30: Harvey has had his fair share of crazy career changes after riding the all-time high with the New York Mets. After having stints with the Reds and the Los Angeles Angels, Harvey has found his way struggling to keep an ERA under 3.00 since returning from Tommy John's injury in 2014. It would be a miracle for him to pitch over 150 innings, as it has been a chore to keep the ball in the park for the Dark Knight. Harvey’s best skill set has been his ability to get strikeouts whenever it’s needed. It is a risky move giving Harvey another chance, but perhaps a solid reliever that would eat those in-between innings could possibly bailout Harvey in order to get more wins.

Starting Pitcher-Andrew Cashner, age 33: Cashner has been an active pitcher for a decade for at least six organizations throughout his career. His best years happen to be during his time with the San Diego Padres when his ERA was 2.55 in 2014. His career ERA is north of that number, sitting at 4.10, but that does not remove him from being a supporting rotation member. Throughout his decade long career, he has a total of 901 career strikeouts. With the right team, he could possibly hit the career benchmark of a thousand strikeouts with this line-up behind him.

Starting Pitcher- Marco Estrada, age 36: At last, we come to the veteran who is at the back of this rotation with Estrada. He has his best years behind him, but he is one of the few pitchers in this rotation who can come close to 180 innings for a season. With eleven years in the majors, his career ERA is not as bad as Cashner's, sitting at 4.29 with 1094 strikeouts as well. Estrada may have enough in the tank to give the ace in Sanchez enough rest for the next series. In recent years, he has a tough time keeping the run control down, but he has just enough in the tank to be a supporting member of this pitching rotation.

Bullpen: Brad Boxberger age 31, Tony Cingrani age 30, Shawn Kelley age 35, and Wily Peralta age 30 (setup man): Surely, these sets of names are not enough players to have a solid bullpen. These are the highlighted names that have been a part of playoff-contending teams. Boxberger has spent a great deal of his career rotating between the closer and the setup man for the final innings, and he would be a guarantee pitcher to go to for a quick collection of outs in a close game. Cingrani was once a contributing pitcher that was part of rotations between the Reds and Cardinals, but towards the end of his career found more focus coming out of the bullpen for bulk innings that needed more relief than the average reliever. Kelley has solid career ERA coming out of the bullpen sitting at a 3.80 and is another pitcher that has the mechanics like Boxberger. Peralta has gone back and forth being a starter and an opener in his latest pitching years, and it would be best for him to come out during the eighth inning and shut down any chances for the opposing team to take advantage of before the closer can enter the game.

Closer-Addison Reed, age 31: There have always been closers who make their way back into the picture after others just show they have the same stuff anymore. Reed used to be one of the premier closers in the earlier years of his career. He was given fewer opportunities when his ERA began to climb, but in recent years he has been given that chance again. In 2017, he posted a 2.84 ERA as a closer between the Red Sox and Mets. With a career resume with 125 saves, 469 strikeouts, and a 3.53 ERA, Reed could be a definite guy to come in and lock it down during the ninth inning. At his age, he can definitely make a comeback and become one of the best closers in the game once more.

Do you think this team has what it takes to be a brand new team in the MLB? What will it take for Rob Manfred to move towards expansion if not trying to sell a current team to a brand new location? Sure, with the idea of him shutting down minor league teams, this team could absorb one of those teams and get some of those young talented players. After all, it is all that this team needs in order to thrive even further. There will be more "What if" rosters posted all Spring Training. Make sure to stay subscribed and to see what teams I will be coming up with next.

#journal #what if #what if teams #baseball #spring training #free agency #2020 #mlb #jonathan lucroy #yonder alonso #scooter gennett #jung-ho kang #Addison Russell #domingo santana #austin jackson #Yasiel Puig #aaron sanchez #matt harvey #andrew cashner #marco estrada #addison reed #Custom Baseball teams

[julesdelorme]

Chapter 3 of faller. You can find the whole thing so far at the link at the bottom of this post.... Chapter 3 - the boy

I see him walking across the field, through the patches of dried out tall grass, the rotted out rusted corpses of cars and tractor parts that have been there for as long as I remembered, for what seems like as long as anybody remembered. 

I’m not sure he’s real. 

I’m not sure he’s human. 

He looks like some kind of monster, like some kind of beast from an old TV movie the old people’s stories with the strange shuffling limp and scarred shaved bald head, bare in the hot summer sun, shining in some places and dull in others. Nobody on the Rez walks around with a bare head in the middle of summer. 

Sometimes old Pieface Tim comes wandering over from next door, forgetting where he lives, but he has all his hair except for in one spot on the side of his head where somebody hit him with a rock from a campfire and he always wears a Canadian Tire cap. 

This one’s definitely not old Pieface. Even old Pieface looks like a human being at first look. 

I don’t have any particular feeling about this not stranger or about what he might do. It’s hot and I’m bored and I’m tired. 

I’m always tired. 

The doctors said I would get tired.

I don’t think that he’s going to ease my boredom or make me not tired in any way that matters, even if he’s some kind of real monster.

When I tell the story later on if I live I’ll probably say that I felt his presence as I stood there and knew that he was going to have a profound effect upon on my world. But it won’t be true. It’ll be a Rez truth. Sort of the truth but with a better story. It’ll make the story a little more interesting and more fun to tell, but it won’t be true. I take less notice of him than I might a crow or a mockingbird setting down on one of those rusted skeletons. It’s the nature of my world that people, even if they bring trouble, and they almost bring some kind of trouble on the Rez, are just one more drip in the monotony of exhaustion and pain that makes up my childhood.

The sad truth of it is that even him looking like some kind of monster, that strange limp, the way that he shuffles instead of walks, the wildness and woundedness of his appearance, isn’t remarkable in this place. Bad nutrition and drink leave so many people looking that way. Some were born that way because their mothers or their fathers or both had drunk too much and eaten too little and everything that they did eat was made of sugar or corn or bleached white something. It’s not all that unusual to see people without arms or legs because of diabetes or because they passed out drunk on the train tracks.

Even with the money from casinos most of us don’t take care of ourselves the way white people do. Maybe because we’re still raised by people who got beat down by the kihnarà:ken, by the white people, till they believed their lives didn’t matter.

I pretty much assume that the man’s going to hurt me.

I mean I don’t think he’s a Wendigo or anything like that. Just something about him like he just gave up on being human.

He’s in jail again. My rake'níha. My father. 

I’m all alone except for Goat, and she’s too old to do all that much damage to a stranger. I’m too small and skinny and weak to put up much of a fight. I fight back most of the time anyway. I never seem to have the sense to sit still and just take it the way that other kids on the Rez have figured out to do, to just take it until it comes to a stop. I keep getting up until I can’t get up anymore. I almost always make it worse. 

I know that sooner or later someone’s going to kill me. 

Maybe I hope that sooner or later somebody will kill me.

I don’t know.

I don’t want much to be alive. I don’t want much to be here. 

I just don’t have the energy to kill myself. I’ve thought about all the different ways to do it but it’s too much work.

It’d be so much easier if somebody kills me.

Maybe this strange monster looking limping man will be the one.

Even if he isn’t a Wendigo. He’s probably some kind of monster.

I don’t honestly know any more if I actually want to die or if it’s just not in me to lie down and stay down, that I’m just too stubborn to die. 

The doctors say I’m going to die. 

But that’s going to take a while.

And it’s going to hurt.

A lot.

People keep saying I’m brave. I’m not brave.

My brain doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to. Even on the Rez people think I’m strange. Some of the older kids compare me to the character in that old movie Cool Hand Luke because they beat on me and I keep getting back up. I love that movie. I thought maybe it was meant as a kind of compliment. But later, when I watched that movie again, when I saw the sick look on the convicts’ faces when Luke wouldn’t stop getting up, couldn’t stop getting up, even when he knew that he’d been licked by George Kennedy. I knew then it’s not a compliment. I figure I might end up like Luke did at the end of that movie. Lying dead on a dirty floor with a big stupid grin on my face. 

The beatings from him, from my rake'níha, from my father, and my mother when I see her, and strangers when I see them, are just one more tributary of the monotonous suffering that is the stinking river of my childhood. 

This monster looking man will probably hurt me and root through the house, the burned out ruin that passes for our home, my home, in search of something that he can take. He might even kill me. I’m so dulled to pain, so tired, and the possibility of death that I can’t even find a way to care about that.

I’ll miss my Grandmother. 

And my friend, Roger. My only friend. He’s older than me but he takes the time to teach me to fight and hunt. I don’t know why. Probably pity.

I’ll definitely miss Goat. She’s as close to a good friend as I’ve got besides Roger. 

And I guess I’ll miss my cousin Dianne too. She checks in on me and brings me food. Probably because she feels like she has to. She’s nice. She’s pretty too. 

I might miss them if there’s some place you keep being after you die. But I won’t miss my life. I won’t miss waking up every single day weak and sick wondering out what bad thing will happen to me today. If this bad thing will finally be the last bad thing that will ever happen, that wouldn’t be so terrible.

He won’t find anything in the house. 

He sold or traded anything that mattered. My rake'níha. My father. He almost burned down the house and even when they gave him money to rebuild the house he spent it on booze and drugs and just left the house the way it was. They even gave him a trailer and he sold that. What he didn’t sell or trade somebody else came and took. 

I buried some raccoon and squirrels that I caught. Deep down in a plastic bag with salt. Some nuts too. But he won’t find any of it. I learned how to hide things so well that even a coyote or a badger couldn’t find them. And Goat’s a better guard dog than most dogs when it comes to that. If anyone gets too close to the house she’ll raise a racket, even if she can’t stop them.

She’s raising one hell of a racket right now.

The monster man’s head is down and his shoulders are hunched forward in a way that reminds me of the boxers that I saw when Roger took me to his gym. 

He doesn’t look up. Not even once. No sign that he sees me, or even notices Goat, except that he’s walking straight towards us. Every few steps he stops like he’s lost and mutters to himself. Then he kind of sways, like he’s struggling to get going again, and he keeps coming. 

I just stand here leaning against the old fence post watching him. 

I’m too tired to try getting away.

I could probably outrun him, slow as he is. But trying to get away just isn’t worth the effort. Besides, running would only put off this particular bad thing. If he doesn’t do something bad to me someone else will probably give me a beating today. Or tomorrow. 

Maybe I just want it all to come to an end. 

I don’t know. 

Maybe I’m hoping this stranger, this strange scarred up hollow of a man, might be the one that finally finishes it. 

He’s close now. I can make out all the scars. There’s a lot of them. All over his head and all over his face too. He mostly keeps his head down. I can see his hands and knuckles are all scarred up too, and I’m thinking maybe I was right about him being an old fighter. Or maybe just someone who’s as stupid and as stubborn as I am. If I lived long enough I’d probably end up looking an awful lot like him.

I won’t live that long.

Either way this stranger is probably dangerous. Maybe he will be the one to finally end it.

He stops when he’s about twenty feet away and looks at me, blinks, and then looks past me as if he doesn’t actually see me. 

I’m used to that look. Lots of people look past me like that. 

Mostly just before they hurt me.

He looks around at the yard, at all the garbage and dirt and dried up patches of grass and then up at the sky and then down at the ground. Then he looks at Goat, which gets her raising even more of a racket. If she wasn’t tied up she’d probably go after him. 

She and I have got that in common. It doesn’t make much of a difference to either of us that we can’t win the fight.

He just stands there for the longest time.

And I just stand there too. 

Waiting.

Neither one of us looking at each other. 

People don’t look right at each other on the Rez anyway. That’s asking for a fight.

We stand there, watching what we can out of the corners of our eyes. Even Goat gets quiet and just stands there.Waiting.

I’m used to waiting. 

I’m pretty good at waiting.

Waiting is one more thing you get used to on the Rez.

The stranger’s face is all scars and lumps. One eye’s so scarred over that it’s barely open and both his ears are like raw cauliflower. He doesn’t look like an Indian. 

But then again, neither do I. 

Not really. 

I’ve got dark hair and dark skin. It gets real dark in the summer and never burns. But there’s enough of my mother in my features that those kids on the Rez who do look Indian, even though a lot of them have got less of the blood than I do, beat on me for not being Indian enough. And the kids in the city beat on me because I’m not white enough. 

This guy’s skin is pale. Not the kind of pale that looks natural. The kind of pale that comes from spending too much time inside. 

Prison. 

He gets that look when he’s been in for a while. My rake'níha. My father.

The man doesn’t have all the tattoos that most men who spend time in prison have got. 

Men like him. My father. My rake'níha.

This guy looks like he can’t remember what it’s like to have freedom. He looks like he’s used to being in a cage. 

He has high cheekbones the kind of shape to his face that might make you think that he had Indian blood, but you would have to look closely to see it, or to see that he seems to know this place in a deep way, in the way that comes from growing up in a place like this.

We’re not supposed to call it Indian. 

I can’t remember what we’re supposed to call it now.

Kanien'keha:ka for our tribe.

But I can’t remember for the rest of them.

-Much chance you got any water around, I suppose. - He doesn’t say it like a question. More like a fact that he’s already figured on.

His voice sounds tired. Dry and full of gravel. The tips of two of his fingers are nicotine stained. Like he smokes rolled up cigarettes instead of store bought. 

-No. - I say.  -I emptied the jug last night.

That’s true. I would have said it to him even it wasn’t, but I used up the last of the water and didn’t get around to filling the jug back up yet.

The man stands there staring at the ground. He keeps his thumbs straight on the outside of his hands the way old boxers do. 

I’m starting to wish he’d get it over with. I also hope that he’s not one of those that like little boys. I’ve had that tried on me a few times. They always start by telling me how pretty I am for a boy. Up until now I always managed to put up enough of a fight to make them decide that I wasn’t worth all the trouble. I’m not expecting to get away with that forever. But I’m not looking forward to what happens when I don’t.

-Didn’t see no pump. - The man says -Guessing that place of yours got no running water anymore.

Again it was more like he’s stating what he’s pretty sure is a fact than like he’s asking a question.

I think for a moment about lying about where he is. Where my rake'níha is. But it doesn’t seem worth all the effort. He won’t take long to find out that I’m all alone if that’s what he wants.

-There’s a creek back in the woods. - I say -I usually get my water from there.

I don’t know why I said that. I know better than to give anything to a stranger. Even information. Giving anything away that you don’t have to never works out for anything but bad on the Rez.

-It ain’t too clean. - I say.

We stand there for a little while. 

I’m already getting bored.

Mostly people hurting each other is just one more way of not being bored in this place.I figure he’s coming due to hurt me soon though.

He just stands there though. Looks around. Looks up at the sky. Then back down at the ground.

It seems to me like he does that a lot.

-I don’t have money. - He says -Don’t... Don’t have too much of nothin.

He shuffles his feet. Something in the way he’s standing there gives me the feeling that he isn’t going to hurt me. But I know better than to trust anything in this place.Or maybe I just hope that he’s going to turn out to be a lot worse than he’s looking right now.

-Don’t suppose you could point me to the creek. - He says -I can’t give you anything for it.

Despite all the scars and the look of somebody who spent a lot of time in prison, there’s something about him that feels kind of gentle. Not kind maybe. And not towards everybody. But towards me and those like me. And he doesn’t talk like most of the people on the Rez or any of the bad ones who spend most of their time in jail. 

He isn’t going to hurt me.

Because I’m just a boy.

Maybe because I can’t hurt him.

-I could bring you there I suppose. – I’m as surprised at having said it as he seems to be at my having said it.

He looks straight at me for just a brief moment, as if he was seeing me for the first time and then looks back down at the ground.

We stand there for a while just not looking at each other.

I can tell he isn’t going to hurt me. There’s violence in him. A whole lot of rage and violence. He still seems very dangerous. Even with all the damage I can see that’s been done to him, he still seems like someone who can take care of himself in a pinch. That violence is probably not going to be turned on me. He would probably never use it on someone like me. 

I still don’t trust him. 

I don’t trust anybody. 

That part of me that won’t and can’t believe that even the people who have been good to me, won’t hurt me sooner or later. Maybe he would never hurt someone like me. I still can only see being hurt as something not very important, and not being hurt as a kind of disappointment. 

Maybe I’m a little bit sorry that it’s not going to end for me today.

He licks his lips, and the sound that his lips and his mouth make when he does that tells me that he has gone without water and been in the hot sun for way too long. 

-If you don’t want me to take you. - I say. -That’s fine too. 

I want him to know that I don’t care one way or the other. 

I don’t care one way or the other. 

But I want him to know that I don’t.

He licks his lips again. They’re dry and chapped, and the inside of his mouth sounds dry and chapped. I can hear it from where I am. 

-If it won’t be too much trouble. - He says -I guess I’m pretty thirsty and I could use some water. If that won’t be too much trouble.

I shrug my shoulders. Then I turn and start to head towards the creek. I stop when I realize that he isn’t following. 

He’s just standing there with this lost look on his face, like he’s confused or just can’t figure out if he wants the water after all.

-Mister. - I say -This is the way if you want some water.He gives me a kind of startled look and then looks back down at the ground and nods his head. The gesture’s so small and so slight that I barely see it. 

-Don’t you want to grab your jug? - He asks me. This time a real question.

I stare at him. Then I go into the house and get my jug.

Goat looks at me when I come back out.I go over and untie her.

-She won’t hurt you. - I say to the man. 

Just in case he’s scared of goats. Some people are. 

-She needs water too.

I lead them down to the creek.

The monster man follows me with that strange shuffling limp of his.

I’m not all that sure he’ll be able to make it to the creek.

And I’m not all that sure, if he doesn’t make it, if I’ll try to help him make it or not.

I’m not sure if I care one way or the other.

You can find the whole thing so far at.. https://www.facebook.com/delormewriting

#fiction #writing #writers #authors #author #novels #novelnovels #newnovels #julesdelorme #julesfdelorme #faller #delormewriting #scarboroughwritersfightclub #story #bear #native #nativestories #metis #metisstories ..

#fiction writing writers authors author novels novelnovels newnovels julesdelorme julesfdelorme faller delormewriting scarboroughwritersfight

[bigbrotherfiore]

episode six: “i am about to shake this house down boots ” - addilyn

hoh: addilyn

evicted: rich

MIKKI: https://youtu.be/CBq0rnYR8mk

SZYMON: https://youtu.be/54DwTSjkhdw

SZYMON: https://youtu.be/SIByJuI7KtA

HALEY: https://youtu.be/wUZEHzxZB5w

daly said callout elise for playing both sides the MOMENT she stops playing both sides. im so mad. and admits that i was on the outs of their lil 4 so like bye whatever i dont even... im mad. because i think there is a difference between angrily saying someone is dangerous and outright exposing shit and also saying im in some alliance that im NOT in, he was wrong, so clearly i was right to say byeee because he thought that was a thing.

im just floundering. i feel the tension and i hate it. i dont know who i can trust of austin/sara even tho i want to and i'd lean towards neither even tho austin is trying to send me nice dms like "oh fuck" like yeah oh fuck dude ugh i dont even know what to say. addilyn should nom rich as the target but idk if i am in danger of going up beside him or as a renom. im on the outs of the entire game rn and pretty expendable to most people. i was hoping for hoh to prove my loyalty but i completely fucked it up by fumbling with my timer so RIP. hopefully i can survive regardless but it's definitely gonna be a hard path from here on out and i have no idea how to rebuild right now because nobody has any real trust for me. im gonna talk to some people more like lana and see what i can do. i could reach out to the bottom but i know they'd throw me under the bus no questions asked for doing that. my gameplay was not good this round, floaty untrustworthy lookin ass, but maybe i can make like regina george and survive being under the bus.

WHO WANT'S TO SEE MY HOH ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM feeling very glad i finally won a comp.. after coming second... This is far too much power for me to handle. But I am about to shake the house down BOOTS.......... 

So giving Daly a pity vote at this last eviction might have done more damage than good. Haley is pissed and wants to know who the other vote is and I can't tell her it was me, especially after I just told her I knew Daly before this game. It is also kinda hurting my own game because people are thinking that I was the vote to keep Daly and lol I was

Every day that continues in this house, it just makes it harder and harder to not tell Haley that I also know Sara as well from before this game began. I truly do believe that if I mention to her that I know Sara after seeing how she reacted about the Daly thing, I think that would be the end of our friendship. On the other hand, after this game she is going to find out regardless and she will probably never talk to me again... Luckily I told her about the Daly thing after he was already gone from the game or else that could have been really bad

Addilyn is the new HOH and I think this is good for my own personal game tbh... We have that Winnipeg connection and I truly believe she wants to keep me in this game because she gets genuine vibes from me. Unfortunately Rich and/or Sara will nominated this week and that will be a whole hassle to deal with

This game has become really unenjoyable over the last 24 hours for the reason that I hate having to lie to the people I genuinely love in this game. Knowing Sara and Daly from before this game really put me in a shitty position from Day 1. I didn't know either of them were applying but when they were both casted, I wanted to work with both of them immediately, then Haley came along. Haley has been my rock in this game and I know that I can trust her with my life in this game. She tells me everything about her game and it kills me to have to keep secrets from her but if she knew about me knowing Sara as well as Daly she would instantly not trust me and I want to go to the end with her...

I am getting real sick of Jakey in this game. He is going around starting rumours about every single person in this house and I am getting sick of it. It is clear he is working with Addilyn and Mikki because some things I have said to them only has gotten back to him word for word and that is upsetting because I really did trust Addilyn and Mikki and feel a little betrayed by them, especially if Addilyn nominated me this week after telling me I would be 100% safe

So another week where I escaped the block. Unfortunately Sara and Rich are on the block but all hope isn't over yet. We still have Devil's Lair and POV to get them off. Rich asked if I would play in the POV as his houseguests choice but I really didn't want people to see how close we are so I convinced him that picking Haley would be a better option for us. Hopefully I am not screwing myself over by setting myself up for the backdoor option this week...

LMAO not haley lying to me about not talking to Austin or ferg much when I know they're in an alliance together and her and Austin make it SO obvious that they are a duo. I can't help but laugh. it's cute how they think they are slick when they are literally MESSAGING ME THE SAME TIME, and like start messaging me after the other and then end at the same time it's just.....so obvious. like guys please try harder???? if you wanna be a secret duo keep it more secret??? you're literally in an alliance together I- and I know about it because you're aligned with MY secret duo. ahhhhh how cute of you to try how cute how cute. I'm so bitter and over these people like so over it every single thing out of haley and Austins mouths is FAKE and they think they are being so great at playing people but I'm sitting here playing them back it's so exhausting keeping up a fake conversation. the sad thing is I think I would love haley outside of this game. but in it she annoys the crap out of me because she's sooooo fake and boring. I'm over it.

So I somehow managed to avoid the block this week, considering a number of people were trying to get me up beside Rich because they were worried I would save him, which I would LOL. So from here, I have to casually try to sway the votes for Rich to stay, depending how the Devils Lair goes... I really don’t want to lose Rich and Mazden isn’t even playing this game so it’s not a difficult decision for me. 

Rich is probably leaving tomorrow and this game is just getting worse and worse for me... It is literally killing me not being able to tell Haley about the full relationships I have with Daly and Sara and the longer I wait, the worse it is getting... I actually feel like a horrible human being lying to her...

(a little while later)

So I came clean to Haley about the whole knowing Sara/Daly thing because I do truly trust her with my life with in this game. Sara is probably gonna smack me when she finds this out but I will ensure that it won't affect her game. Haley means a lot to me and I couldn't wait until the end of the game to tell her or else she would probably never talk to me again.

So uh... there’s a lot to unpack here but really all I can say is that I’m really disappointed in myself for letting a dumb game really get to me and make me feel real things. Austin, Sara, and Daly all knew each other. AND have gamed together before. And took 1st, 2nd, 3rd in a previous game. Honestly, when he told me, I should have been more surprised but I wasn’t. I know I should be used to more people lying to me but he was like the #1 person I wasn’t lying to. And because of all of the work he put in to our relationship I believed he wasn’t either. But I was SO wrong. Poor rich, he and I connected immediately. And I know I stated before I don’t know who I would have picked, but I have a gross gut feeling that it would have been Austin based solely on how often we talked. Which makes me feel sick that I betrayed someone who I was great with for someone who did nothing but lie to me. Austin admitted he was the daly vote. And last night when he told me I told him I understood the vote but I didn’t understand the continued lying. And I’m not sure I stand behind that. I know this is a game of cut throat, do what you gotta do, scheming, etc... but I wasn’t here to play that way and Austin knew that. The fact that he voted against me at all really pisses me off and just hurts tbh. And Sara continually making comments about the daly thing makes so much more sense now. Like yeah I realize now how good you felt with him. You knew him! But I didn’t! BUT IF I HEAR YOU SAY WE NEED HIM OR HE WOULD HAVE HELPED THIS ONE MORE TIME ILL SNAP. You’re in my alliance, not daly. And If we all could have agreed on a renom or you let me put up jakey when I wanted to we wouldn’t be here. I also wouldn’t have put him up if I knew you all knew each other. I wanna tell sara really badly that I know. And I think rich deserves to know more than anybody. But I told Austin I’m not the type to ruin people’s games. So I’m not going to make a liar out of myself. WHICH REALLY SUCKS BECAUSE I LOVED MY IDEA OF A CAMEO GOODBYE FROM AN ACTUAL HOUSEGUEST DISHING ALL OF MY TEA.   I don’t know where I want to go from here. I’ve put a lot of time and energy in to someone who didn’t need to. He had other people and was most likely playing me the entire time, he swears he wasn’t but there’s been so many lies I don’t even care anymore. I’m literally just so annoyed I let myself get here. I truly don’t want to play anymore, I don’t know if I have the emotional capacity to continue. Depending on who wins next week, I might volunteer to be a pawn and do some stupid shit to go. I’m not interested in just quitting, I don’t wanna ruin their game like that. But I’d rather have my fellow houseguests think I’m just a really bad game player rather than a coward who quit. Because it’s going to look like I quit for nothing. And really I did it to save myself from continually getting hurt, which is the first really selfish game move I plan on playing. 

I am getting really sick of Sara/Haley/Rich talking about quitting this game just because we aren’t in power for one week. Yes, I will admit I was thinking about quitting my own but it was because I had to keep a huge lie from someone I truly do like and it was making her cry killed me but I wouldn’t ever go thru with it and to think that they are thinking of quitting just because things aren’t going our way for one week is really getting annoying... 

Click HERE to see the Goodbye Messages for Rich.

#bbfiore #episodes

[vicbartons]

we´re on the right side of rock bottom

ao3 link

Robert awoke with a low grunt, running his hand over his face before squinting open his still heavy eyelids. The bedroom was dark with the curtains closed shut, only illuminated by the red light of the electronic alarm clock sitting on his bedside table. 5:20 am. 

“Happy birthday to me”, Robert grumbled, rolling onto his side and curling in on himself. “Thirty-two...You´re getting old, Sugden.”

Aaron had his back turned towards him, his frame disappearing almost completely under the duvet he had wrapped around himself, his face buried deep in the pillow. Robert reached for him practically out of reflex, slowly combing his hand through his husband´s dark brown curls. 

After the year they had been through, he still didn´t know how he had made it back here. How they had.

What he was fairly certain of was that he didn´t deserve it. Regardless of how many times Aaron tried to convince him of the opposite, whenever he saw the doubt and fear creeping up in his husband´s green eyes.

This time last year he had woken up in a king-sized bed with big white fluffy pillows to a breathtaking view of the Indian Ocean, about to receive the best birthday blowjob of his life from his husband. Everything should have been perfect.

Aaron had been so happy to have his mum and Liv back, and that  - combined with the peace and quiet of the island, as well as the notable distance they´d put between themselves and the cell in Hotten that Aaron had had to call home for six weeks time - had lifted his spirits immensely.

Aaron had seemed calmer, more carefree. Settled even. The nightmares still plaguing their nights in that big hotel bed, but their days so much better since they got to spend them together again. Both of them had been desperate to be close to the other, which had let to far more PDA than either of them were usually comfortable with. Even if that only meant that Aaron would let his fingers slip between Robert´s under the breakfast table or that Robert´s would find its way to the small of his husband´s back whenever they were walking next to each other.

Aaron hadn´t been the only one who the change of scenery had had a positive effect on. It had helped Robert as well. Every now and then he would even manage to genuinely enjoy their makeshift honeymoon, as just seeing a smile on Aaron´s face made his heart feel a little lighter.

At the end of the day, he hadn´t been able to push everything that was waiting for him back at home out of his mind though. The metaphorical baggage he had dragged 10.000 kilometres down south with him far too heavy to be ignored for more than a few hours at a time. 

He had felt like he was living on borrowed time and Aaron had grown more and more suspicious of his behaviour. The younger man´s ability to read Robert like a book slowly returning, once his mind had stopped being clouded by thoughts of the horrors of prison and worry for his little sister 24/7. 

Not only the sad look on Robert´s face every time he had caught the blond looking at him had given away that something wasn´t quite right between them, but also his husband´s nervous demeanour whenever he had found him lost in thought, blankly staring into space, which had happened far more often than Aaron was used to.

He just hadn´t been able to put his finger on what exactly it was that was keeping Robert awake most nights. 

He couldn´t have known that Robert´s mind had been running a hundred miles an hour thinking of him and Aaron. Of Emmerdale. Of all the mistakes he´d made. Of Ross. Of Rebecca. 

And of that baby.

His baby.

It hadn´t been his.

There hadn´t even been one to begin with, but he hadn´t known that back then.

  Neither had Aaron.

  So Robert´s life had still come crashing down once they´d returned to the village and the look on Aaron´s face, when Rebecca had smugly played the damn voicemail in the middle of the pub to an audience of villagers, would haunt Robert for the rest of his life.  

  Finding out that Rebecca hadn´t actually been pregnant had helped, even though that revelation had come months and months too late to soften the blow. Robert was well aware though that even if it had come out earlier , it wouldn´t have fixed things.

  Wouldn´t have fixed them.

  Because the real damage had been done a long time before everything had blown up in their faces. Before the lies and the scheming of a certain blonde, dead set on tearing his life to shreds to fulfil her own sick revenge fantasies.

The real damage had been done months before that, in their bedroom in the Mill. Had been done earlier that same day within the four grey walls of a prison visiting room. The damage had been done when both men had given up on themselves and on the two of them as a couple - even if just for a few hours - and had turned to drugs, sex and alcohol instead of each other.

You´d think a few hours wouldn´t mean much in the grand scheme of things - not when you were planning on spending forever together - but they had found out the hard way that they did. 

That they could mean everything, if you let them.

They hadn´t let them.

  It had taken them a long time to rebuild; for Aaron to start trusting Robert again, for Robert to stop treating his husband like he was made out of glass and even longer for him to be able to look Aaron in the eye again without feeling nothing but shame and self-hatred.

But they had somehow made it to the other side of rock bottom. Had somehow climbed out of the hole that they had been digging themselves into since the day Aaron left for court together. There had been tears, and screaming and words both of them wished they could take back. They had had to fight tooth and claw for every inch. But they had made it out. Holding hands. Both of them too afraid and far too stubborn to face whatever they would find once they reached solid ground again on their own.

Aaron had continued to go to counselling.

Robert had started to go as well.

And it had helped.

It was still helping.

Looking back on it now, it had been a good year. Well, maybe good was too big a word, but it had definitely been an important one. It had chipped at them, at their relationship, at their family, at everything they held dear, but it hadn´t managed to break them.

And as cliché as that may sound: Robert knew that they were stronger for it now.

There was still a little voice in the back of Robert´s head telling him that he was going to mess this up, that nothing this good could ever last and at thirty-two now - with a few months of counselling under his belt - he knew himself well enough to understand that that voice would never go away. Had in fact become part of who he was.

It had been engrained in him since childhood. 

Since the day he watched the barn burn. Since he watched that farmhand leave at fifteen, not even having dared to say goodbye. Since he played that fatal round of chicken on a country road just outside of the village with his brother. Since his father looked straight into his eyes, without a hint of guilt or sadness in his voice, and told him to leave his home and never come back.

That fearful voice wasn´t about to just go away. It would always be a part of him.

But whenever he looked at Aaron and Aaron stared back at him with those piercing blue eyes of his, the voice in his head got a little bit number. Became more of a humming, than the unbearable wall of noise he had become so used to over the years.

As the voice had grown quieter, Robert had become a little less fearful, more trusting in the relationships he had built and - most importantly - he had learned to be a little kinder to himself. 

And while he still wasn´t quite sure how the younger man managed to do that – to dim down his fears, to sometimes even shut them up completely, even if only for a little while – he loved him more than anything for it.

Aaron twitched then, letting out a small groan. “Morning”, he made it sound like a question as he leaned into his husband´s touch, shuffling backwards until his back was pressed against Robert´s chest.

Robert put his arms around him instantly, pulling him closer and burying his nose in his husband´s shoulder. Aaron´s hand found his and linked their fingers together before he even opened his eyes. “What time is it?” he whispered, his voice still groggy.

“Early. Far too earl for a Sunday for sure” Robert murmured, his breath soft against the younger man´s neck. “Didn´t mean to wake ya up.”

Aaron´s leg found his way between Robert´s, their feet touching, Aaron warming up his husband´s, which somehow managed to feel like icicles every morning, no matter how many blankets they covered him under.

“What are you doing awake then?” Aaron asked quietly, knowing well enough that the only two things that would ever have his husband wake up before 9am on a weekend were a desire for sex or him going into one of his tailspins, thinking too hard and too loudly for his own good.

The lack of innuendo in their conversation so far and Robert´s apologetic tone made Aaron certain that it was the latter.

“Just thinking, I guess.” he muttered, confirming the brunet´s suspicion.

“Mhm” Aaron hummed knowingly .“Come here.” He turned on his back, an arm wrapping around his husband´s shoulder, carefully pulling him closer until Robert´s head was lying on  his chest, his nose nuzzled into the crook of the younger man´s neck.

“I love you, you know that?” Robert murmured softly against Aaron´s skin, while running a hand over his chest, drawing small circles with his index finger.

Aaron´s nose was buried in an unruly mob of blond hair. “I love you, too, soft lad.” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of his husband´s head. He could feel Robert smile against his shoulder as he let his hand stroke up and down along his spine.

“Now go back to sleep so I can wake you up properly for your birthday in a few hours, Mr. Dingle.” Without having to look at him, Robert knew that he was smirking.

Back when Aaron had come out of prison, Robert had promised him that everything would be perfect soon. That they´d be. He couldn´t have been more wrong. 

They still weren´t perfect. They never would be. Life never would be. 

But lying in bed like this, listening to Aaron´s heartbeat, their legs tangled together, feeling the shallow breaths of his husband tickling in his hair, Robert knew that this was as close to perfect as he would ever need to get. 

#robron #aaron x robert #robert sugden #aaron dingle #emmerdale #rebecca kept creeping into my fluffly mauritius fic to ruin it #like she ruins everything #so i jumped a year into the future when all of this will be over and done with #and you get this instead #robert being all thoughtful and introspective and some birthday fluff #sometimes i write stuff