#GOD LETTERS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO SHOULDER ALL BURDENS AT ALL TIMES | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

turtle-steverogers · 3 years

Note

i was thinking but do you know the unsent project? it is this website where you can write a message to your first love that you never sent to them. now imagine steve writing one (or multiple) to bucky after he came out of the ice after nat told him about it... yeah

hello hi anon this broke me and it was too perfect not to turn into a ficlet klafjldskjfalskf thank you

Unsent Letters

To:

Steve’s fingers freeze over the keyboard, the cursor blinking at him. It feels like it’s taunting him-- teasing him with the burden of choking out a name. What should he even say? The sender is anonymous, but how many people are named Bucky out there? Would anyone even care?

To: Bu

Steve huffs and backspaces, his hands trembling as he curls them into fists. He isn’t sure what provoked Natasha to tell him about this website. It’s a cruel tease to everything he wishes he could say-- wished he could say before Bucky slipped through his fingers. And now his only option is yelling into an abyss. The text box is black and daunting. He turns it yellow. No, too happy. Green. Yes, that’s fine. Bucky’s favorite color was always green.

His gaze wanders away from the screen of his hefty Dell laptop and out the window of his apartment. DC’s low rising buildings span out in front of him. His gut aches; he misses New York already. But he knows being there would only mangle his soul further, seeing his already alien home torn to shreds by literal space whales. He huffs, thinking of Bucky’s comics. His stories came to life after all. Bucky would have probably vibrated out of his skin if he knew there was other life out there.

To: My astronaut

How’s space treating you? It’s treating me pretty badly, if I’m being honest. If only you could see what it’s done to Brooklyn. I think you’d be pretty mad at it if you knew…

Steve hesitates, reading back over what he’s typed. It’s stupid as hell, and he cringes, but he doesn’t backspace. His fingers find the keys again.

I miss you something awful. I don’t think that even encompasses how much I’m hurting without you. I feel so lost right now-- space is much bigger and scarier than you’d think. I know you’d love it. I wish you could see bits of it, but god, I just want to go home. I want you to come home.

Steve freezes again and finds the screen blurry where tears have welled in his eyes. His jaw clenches as he pictures the way Bucky would laugh at him-- teasing him for his dramatics and ruffling his hair. He wishes he could be there now, rolling his eyes and nudging Steve’s shoulder.

“What’re you upsetting yourself for?” He’d say, gently closing the laptop and coaxing Steve into his arms. “I’m right here, pal.”

And if Steve closes his eyes, he can almost feel Bucky’s warmth enveloping him. But he’s not there. He’s dead, and Steve’s a goddamn ghost, drifting through a future that doesn’t know him.

He opens his eyes and stares at the text box, then clicks submit.

The screen loads, and his message is gone, his pain forever documented in the abyss.

For someone who fought aliens two weeks after waking up from his impromptu seventy year sleep, Steve’s life is pretty monotonous. He contemplates this unfortunate fact as he stands in front of his toaster, hair sticking up on the back of his head as he nurses a mug of coffee and waits for his toast to pop.

It’s 5:45 in the morning and he tries to remember a time when he didn’t rise this early. Before the war, perhaps. Though, he’s always been a bit of an early bird. His home life was sporadic to put it lightly and he’d learned from an early age that the sooner he was awake, the better it was for everyone. Vigilance is not a new concept for Steve.

He hasn’t always stayed up late, though. That’s certainly new, and he feels this fact viscerally as he catches sight of his reflection in the microwave. There are bags under his eyes that will be gone by mid-morning thanks to the serum. Dermatologists hate him, Natasha says. Steve thinks he’s pretty lucky that the serum more or less equipped him with a built-in anti-aging agent. His father had started balding by thirty.

His toast pops and he starts a little, blinking blearily at the slightly burnt bread as he pulls it out of the toaster with his thumb and forefinger. He spreads on the same raspberry jam and butter that he uses every morning and tries not to think of how bland it tastes in his mouth as he eats it standing at the counter. Another routine.

He tries not to look at last night’s dishes in the sink as he stacks his plate and silverware on top and doesn’t bother sorting out his hair before pulling on his sneakers and slipping out of his apartment. The sun hasn’t quite risen yet, only the beginning tendrils of light sneaking over the low tops of the DC buildings, and Steve vaguely regrets not grabbing a sweatshirt before he left. It’s not quite Summer yet and the mornings could still get pretty cool.

He’s about to take off down the street when he freezes. Natasha is sitting on the steps of his complex, wearing a pair of pink tinted sunglasses and tossing up and down the keys to her car. Steve blinks, rubs his eyes, then blinks again. Nope. She’s still there.

“Nat?”

Natasha looks up at him and smiles. “Hello.”

Steve shifts, uncomfortable. “Hi. You need something? Is there a mission?”

“No,” Natasha says lightly, standing. “You’re not running this morning, though. Come on, I’m taking you to Starbucks.”

“What?”

“Starbucks. You’re going to try it.”

“I don’t want--”

“Steve, you do the same thing every day. Step out of your comfort zone a little.”

Steve frowns, but Natasha’s right-- he really doesn’t ever stray from his routine.

“Fine,” he says, and twenty minutes later, they’re strolling into the nearest Starbucks.

He’s only been in one before, and that was to use the restroom while on a run. He’d bought a water bottle in an attempt to not be rude and use their facilities without giving them any business, but he hadn’t even considered the expansive menu. All the fancy names were too daunting.

They’re just as daunting now as he stares up at the board, heart hammering out of his chest as he’s faced with indecision. Natasha takes one look at his face, and reaches out to squeeze his arm.

“I’ll order something for you,” she says. “What kind of coffee do you like?”

Steve gives her a pained look. “Um… just coffee?”

Natasha quirks a smile and orders him something called a caramel macchiato. He’ll take it, he guesses.

The drink is too damn sweet and sugary and he almost gags. Still, he was always told to finish what he was given, so he drinks the whole thing.

To: Mr. Sweet Tooth

You’d fucking love it here. Everything is packed with sugar and sweetness-- enough to make even my teeth rot. I had something called a caramel macchiato today and it tasted like someone took your ma’s caramels and condensed them into a cup. I couldn’t stand it, but I know if you were here, you’d want at least twelve. I hope you’re enjoying all the sweets you can up in space.

Love, Mr. Boring

Steve’s fingers are stiff and frozen as he works at the straps of his stealth suit. The tangy taste of saltwater still sits heavy on his tongue, and he clenches his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering too harshly as he finally peels off his suit. It’s not much better, being naked, but at least the wet fabric isn’t clinging to him anymore.

The mission had been pretty straightforward until some alien tech managed to blast the quinjet to kingdom come, and they all free-fell straight into the freezing Atlantic.

Steve had managed to keep it together as they took down the goddamn mad scientist that fucked them over, but now that he’s home and alone, he can feel the adrenaline crashing.

He’s shaking from more than just the cold as he draws himself a warm bath, and he pulls his knees up to his chest, trying to breathe through the panic that wants to engulf his entire being.

He loses time for a bit, and comes back to himself lying in his bed, burrowed under several thick layers. He feels so cold, down to his very soul-- a chill that he can never seem to truly shake, even when he’s warm.

Not for the first time, he wishes Bucky were there to hold him. He slips off to sleep thinking old, comforting thoughts of Bucky rubbing his hands between his own, coaxing his head under his chin to engulf him in that natural warmth of his. He always was a fucking furnace.

But when Steve wakes an hour later, shaking hard enough to move the bed with the force of the nightmare he’d dropped into, Bucky is not there to soothe away the ice.

To: JB

im so cold and i cant breathe ever and nothing feels right. I dont know what to do, u were always the problem solver between us and i cant think straight right now and i just want you here please. I cant do this anymore, im so tired please come back. I need you please

The Winter Soldier file sits in front of Steve-- a horrifying nightmare wrapped up in a neat brown folder. Residual nausea swirls around in his gut as he comes down from the horrible high of reading through the contents. His hands shake where they grasp the thick paper. His heart clenches hard in his chest.

Bucky is alive. Bucky is alive, and he’s been unmade.

Steve doesn’t know where he is-- if he’s escaped, or if Hydra found him again. It’s been three weeks now since the helicarriers, and he’s only just gotten the courage to sit down and wade through the shit that is Bucky’s reality.

He just hopes he’s safe. God, he hopes.

Sam says he’ll help him look, and Steve needs to know he’s at least out of danger, but he barely knows where to start.

And he’s sorry. He’s so fucking sorry.

Blinking out of his reverie, Steve looks at his laptop. He feels strange and detached as he reaches for it and logs in.

To: Bucky

And yes, that feels right. He should use his name, since he suspects no one has for a long, long time.

I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I’m sorry that you’ve been hurting so quietly for so long. I understand if you’re not ready to come home-- I understand if you never are. I just hope that you know that there will always be a place with me that is safe. I love you so much and I’m here, forever and always.

Love, Steve.

He’s not naive. He knows it would be dangerous to submit that particular message, so he doesn’t. But that’s okay. That one’s just for him-- for them.

“Steve? What is the… Unsent Project?”

Steve frowns and pokes his head out of the kitchen. Bucky is sitting on the couch in the living room, using his laptop, because his own is having storage issues.

Bucky looks at him. “It’s one of your saved tabs. What is it?”

And oh, fuck. Steve had forgotten to remove that from his homepage-- it really wasn’t needed anymore. He blushes all the way to his ears.

“Oh, it’s-- nothing. Not anything important--”

But Bucky has already clicked on the tab.

“The Unsent Project,” he reads aloud. “A collection of unsent text messages to… first… loves…”

He trails off as he processes what he’s looking at, and Steve can’t quite read his expression when he looks at him again. His eyebrows are furrowed, and he’s looking at Steve like he’s some sort of kicked puppy. Steve shifts, uncomfortable.

“Were you sending me… messages? While I was dead?”

Steve swallows. “Um…” and now that Bucky says it out loud, it really does sound quite sad. He shrugs. “It’s Natasha’s fault?”

Bucky shakes his head, clicking on the search bar. He starts to type his name, but Steve shakes his head.

“I didn’t use your name.”

“Oh,” Bucky says, then frowns at him again. “What did you use?”

Steve blushes harder, sitting next to Bucky and taking the laptop from him.

“Um…” he hesitates, then types what he was sure he used as his first alias.

My astronaut

The screen buffers and loads, then fifty or so messages pop up. Steve scrolls down-- it doesn’t take long to find his.

They’re both quiet as they read, and Steve cringes. Jeez, he really had been pretty dramatic. Next to him, Bucky makes a hurt noise.

“Oh, honey,” he murmurs, taking the laptop back from Steve. He reads the message again, then once more, and reaches out for Steve. “Aw, I’m here now.”

Steve huffs, embarrassed. “I know,” he says. “That was way back, like, three weeks after I woke up.”

Bucky stills. “You fought aliens three weeks after you woke up?”

“... More like two.”

Bucky hums. “Are there others?”

“Yeah,” Steve says, reaching out to type on Bucky’s lap, because Bucky is holding him now and he’s quite reluctant to move. He thinks for a moment, then types in the next one he remembers.

Mr. Sweet Tooth

Bucky laughs, and Steve finds himself smiling.

“I find this funny,” Bucky says. “Because caramel macchiatos are definitely one of my favorites now.”

Steve laughs, too, and butts his head against Bucky’s shoulder.

“If only I could tell that to myself back then-- he’d be thrilled.”

“I’m sure,” Bucky says. “Any more?”

Steve hesitates, thinking of the one he’d sent after that nightmare-- when he was low and hurting. Incoherent. He isn’t sure he wants Bucky to see that particular side of his soul, but Bucky has been more than generous in letting him in on his pains nowaday, and it’s not like Bucky hasn’t witnessed Steve’s own current nightmares.

He bites his lip and types in JB. That seems to yield a lot more results, and it takes a while for Steve to find the message.

He hides his face in Bucky’s neck as he reads. Bucky’s arms gradually tighten around him, and a moment later, he feels him kiss the top of his head.

“Honey, I hate that you were hurting so bad,” Bucky mutters against his hair.

Steve shrugs. “We both were,” he says, and it’s true. There’s something to be said about the guilt they both feel for not being able to save the other person at their lowest, but life hasn’t been kind to them. The vitriol, Steve thinks, should be directed at the goddamn universe for keeping them apart, not themselves for fucking dying. They’re working on it.

Bucky’s quiet for a long time. “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he says. “Is that it?”

Steve shakes his head. “But I never sent the last one.”

“Why not?”

“I wrote it after DC.”

He feels Bucky squeeze him again, and he squeezes back.

“Oh.”

“I just-- I wanted you to know that you didn’t have to come home. That I just wanted you to be safe; needed to know you were safe, but it was up to you. I just needed you to know I was here, if you needed me.”

Bucky pulls back then and cups his face, kissing him soundly. Steve’s surprised for only a moment before he’s kissing back.

“I did know that,” Bucky says against his lips. “I needed time-- I was lost-- but the first thing I knew when I remembered who you were was that you were a safe person, because you’d never force me anywhere.”

Steve kisses him again, then pulls him into a hug. “I’m glad you knew that.” It’s warm, where their chests meet, and Bucky is solid beneath him. Real. He isn’t speaking into an abyss anymore.

There’s a sticky note on Bucky’s pillow next to his head when he wakes up the next morning. Steve’s side of the bed is already vacant, and he can’t hear him downstairs. He must have already left for a run.

Propping himself on an elbow, Bucky plucks up the sticky note.

To: My Bucky

Thank you for choosing me to be your home, and thank you forever, for being mine.

I love you with everything I have.

Love, your Steve

Bucky smiles, heart light as he folds the notes. He’ll keep that one with him, he thinks. A little bit of home to bring wherever he goes.

anyway yeah fslkjflaskjfls i-- ouch. anything to do with letters w these two hurts me immensely

#i did not proofread this at all so i just kNOW im going to read this back later and find a whole bunch of typos oops #stucky #stucky fic #steve rogers #bucky barnes #idiots in love #sad stevie aw

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mikaze-discord · 3 years

Text

Quartet Night: Love letters

Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!

Please enjoy under the cut~

REIJI KOTOBUKI

From Anon:

I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.

He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.

Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!

From another anon:

Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.

What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!

Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.

I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!

Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.

I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.

Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.

I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.

I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.

This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.

I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.

RANMARU KUROSAKI

From Anon:

Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.

From @mikaze-san:

Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.

As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.

But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.

I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.

It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.

And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.

(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)

AI MIKAZE

From Arashi:

It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.

I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.

From Maronda:

My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.

I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!

CAMUS

From @uta-no-fakku-sama:

At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!

From @/waddamaloooon on twt:

A little Camus appreciation post

(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)

Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.

At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.

…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.

I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.

But it did happen so who are we fooling here.

It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.

I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.

But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.

I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.

In a good way. I think..

Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.

#utapri #utanoprincesama #uta no prince sama #Reiji kotobuki #Kotobuki reiji #Ranmaru kurosaki #utapri camus #ai mikaze #mikaze ai #quartet night

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warmau · 4 years

Text

Love Struck!AU x ATEEZ

find other love struck!aus here: monsta x | day6 hey you! happy valentines days!

hongjoong

a love language that consists of showering you in gifts

and not material things, but handmade treasures

jewelry, love letters, and matching one-of-a-kind decorated phone cases or denim jackets

he feels like his talents are what can show his love best

you sometimes end up with a tower of these gifts in your hands to the point where you’re running out of space in your room on where to put them

he won’t admit it outloud, but seeing you use or wear something he made - make it feel like in one way or another you two are connected by something special

someone once asks where you got that necklace and you excitedly pull hongjoong over and say he’s the artist who made it

when that person asks if he’ll make something for them

he goes red in the ears and quietly explains

“i only make things for the people i adore, im sorry.”

seonghwa

horrible at trying to keep his composure

frequently tries to help you with cooking or cleaning or shopping

and when you accept and he finds himself in close quarters for you. he ....... loses it

sometimes he’ll be one second by your side and the next he’s gone and you’re stranded in the freezer section looking around for him

while he’s heaving over in the dairy aisle - crazily muttering to himself that there is no way someone can look THAT cute picking out ice cream flavors

tricks himself into confidence but then your hand's brush and wooyoung can SEE seonghwa’s soul leave his body

you’re trying to make a simple dish for dinner and are grumbling about the ingredients you’re missing

seonghwa offers to go out and buy them - already slipping on his shoes

when you turn off the stove and say you’ll go with him!

he tries to refuse, and explain that he wants to help you not burden you furthermore

and when you look up at him and smile - “spending time with you is never a burden!”

well oh my seonghwa thinks he sees stars

(and he does. poor boy crumples backward against the wall with glee and you have to shake him a few times to see if he’s alright)

yunho

more than anything, there are a lot of emotions and it is all ......... very confusing

one moment he’s buzzing around you with so much warmth and taking every chance he can to hear about your day or look at the new book you’re reading

and the other second,,,,,,,,,he’s locked up in his room

hongjoong knocks and says “someone is here and wouldn’t you like to see them?”

and yunho feels like he’s five again, hiding under the blanket because your pretty face makes him nervous and a little scared

he flipflops back and forth and everyone else doesn’t understand it either

one evening you let yourself into his room after knocking a few times with no answer

to see him with his hand against his forehead and his phone in his other hand

you rush over because “are you sick? are you looking up your symptoms?”

and yunho nods

he turns his phone over and you read the recent search:

“im so in love, i think it’s making me catch the flu?”

you look up

“you’re in love?”

“yeah. with you.”

mingi

if he had a tail, it would be wagging whenever you were anywhere in his vicinity

just the sight of you makes him jump and grin and fall like an overgrown puppy over your lap

eyes twinkling with nothing short of adoration

he always needs to be next to you - if you’re in the car going somewhere

if you’re at the amusement park with the rest of the boys

if you’re all just having a conversation

mingi isn’t the least bit shy about picking hongjoong up and placing him on the other couch so he can be closer to you

although he does get shy about looking your way, peering at you and encountering the chance that you might look back makes him so giddy he can’t sit still

much to the laughter of wooyoung and yeosang who go

“oh, mingi is wiggling again - that means you know who is on their way.”

(the you know who is,,,,,,,well. you.)

you try something you’ve never done before one afternoon, you put your hand up and run it through mingi’s hair as he tells you excitedly about this dance he’s learned

the sensation makes his hyperness come to a halt and instead he looks at you with wide - bewildered eyes

“sorry, should i not do that?”

he shakes his head

“please keep doing it.........forever.”

san

liar liar pants on absolute raging everyone can tell but you fire

“i don’t like them. i just think that if i get to sit next to them it’s an advantage for all of us because...........well because they’re wearing blue and im wearing green and those colors COMPLIMENT each other”

something twists in his stomach every time someone points out how much he favors you above all

because if his secret comes out - he could lose you

so his defense is to: lie

“if i liked them i would just tell them, obviously, im choi san - i dont fear anything!”

correction: he fears rejection. ALOT.

there are days when his lies come out a little painful and the quiver in your smile makes san want to dig a hole and bury himself

the last thing in the world he wants is to make you sad - so one day he decides he can’t risk it anymore

when hongjoong playfully points out that san has been staring at you instead of the movie for the past hour

san takes a handful of popcorn, shrugs, and admits it

“they’re much more interesting than this boring flick.”

although yeosang is painfully ticked off at the fact that san just called a wildlife documentary on bees ‘a boring flick’

everyone else is happy he told the truth

you slink down a little in your seat because you’re happy to but ,,,,,, oh ,,,,,, whatever does that mean?

wooyoung

tries way too hard to become what he has deemed is your “ideal type”

like he hears you like striped sweaters and guess what - if it doesn’t have stripes, wooyoung hasn’t worn it in a month

if you mention liking vanilla flavors well then by gosh darn ,,,,,,,,,, everyone in the ateez house is eating vanilla ice-cream from now on

because if seonghwa’s hand even reaches for strawberry, wooyoung is like AHEM

he really doesn’t have to put all this effort into sleuthing out your likes and dislikes

because the truth is, nothing makes you happier than witnessing him be a total goofball with all the confidence in the world

so when he keeps claming up and trying to do all of these things that you’ve never even seen him do before

you think there’s only one way to make someone who takes everything so literally ,,,,,,,,,,, understand

jongho asks you one day, “so what do you lik-”

and before he can finish you point across the room and go

“i like wooyung. you know, wooyoung wooyoung.”

wooyoung goes so red - he has to hide his face in yeosang’s back before whispering

“how do i become more wooyoung-ish?”

everyone: oh my god you’re ALREADY enough TRUST US

yeosang

gives you the cold shoulder, kind of

but it’s the antarctic if he thinks you’re showing favoritism toward anyone else

you once gave jongho a pressed flower you’d made - just because he asked to like,,,,,,see it

and yeosang was found standing in the living room with his face in the corner, lamenting what he had done wrong

san and wooyoung keep teaming up to get you and yeosang alone

but yeosang manages to slip out of their plans like a cat slithering from the hands of an owner when it’s being petty

you mistake it sometimes as annoyance so you try hard to be happy and cheerful and bright

and it just makes yeosang that much more afraid to approach you because ,,,,,, you shine like an angel and what if he does something that dims that light

he’d die

he says as he falls backwards on the bed and his members shake their head

“you know they think you hate them right?”

jongho says what no one else can and yeosang jumps to his feet

“they think WHAT?”

you end up with a yeosang who is pleading over the misunderstanding and without even saying it he confesses just how much he likes you and you,,,,,

you whisper in his ear that a matter a fact - he is your favorite, he’s always been

(yeosang flaunts that - and your upcoming date - the whole week)

jongho

no time to dilly dally about it!

he thinks you’re a work of art and well he’s gonna say it

or sing it

i think he’d definitely enjoy the chance to serenade you but he just read an article about how that could be embarrassing so you know what he’ll just stick to letting you know his feelings,,,,,,normally

and jongho, even for being so young - is the only member who thinks shame is a sham

therefore

he will take your hand under the afternoon sunlight, leaning against the window and watching the beams fall on your face

illuminating the features he thinks are just otherworldly

and he’ll tell you

he’s lovestruck, what more else is there to say? he can repeat it all you want to hear

the rest of ateez just won’t believe it - did he just make up his mind?!

but jongho knew it from the first moment and he just picked a time where he could say if easily

“if im going to waste my time pining over you, i think it’s best you know how hard im pining.”

#been in the queue for this day!#ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #ateez au #mingi scenarios #hongjoong scenarios #san scenarios #yunho scenarios #jongho scenarios #yeosang scenarios #wooyoung scenarios #seonghwa scenarios #ateez

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eorumverba · 6 years

Text

love letter

@taeminuet youre the reason im still here @jonghyyn your very presence brings me joy @orgel-ontae i dont regret a thing

Jonghyun falls in love quickly.

there are people who are rays of sunshine, cherry blossoms, vanilla candles and the colors of dusk.

Jonghyun falls in love quickly.

They’d fallen for Tae, confessed and started dating them within a week of them meeting, and even though it’s been barely two months, Jonghyun doesn’t think they’ve ever been happier. Jinki kind of agrees, always teasing Jonghyun about how soft they are for Tae or telling Tae how whiny Jonghyun had been about liking them before they’d started dating.

They don’t know everything about each other, not yet, but that’s okay. Jonghyun knows that Tae loves them, that they love Tae back, and that they’ll be happy together for a long time yet. And that’s more than enough for them.

So when Tae tells Jonghyun that they kind of really like fae pronouns, Jonghyun looks up what that means, tries their best to remember and not slip up. There are other things Tae tells them, things that they don’t quite understand but that make their heart weak and soft because Tae trusts them this much.

Sometimes, Jonghyun will wake up to texts that have clearly been written out by sleepy fingers - sometimes it’s Tae telling them about the dreams that have shaken fae awake or the memories that have just as suddenly come to fae, but other times, it’s just a simple declaration of love. Tae isn’t as openly affectionate as Jonghyun is, faer shyness easily mistaken for something more unfriendly, something stiff and cold.

But Tae isn’t like that, not really. Fae’re strong in faer softness, and Jonghyun loves doing little things for fae - telling fae how much they love fae, how sweet and kind and lovely fae are, how glad they are to have met fae. And even though Tae always blushes or whines or shakes faer head, fae’re always hiding a smile behind faer hand or muffling giggles with faer sweater sleeve.

Fae don’t always say those three little words back, but that’s okay, because Jonghyun knows fae love them too.

And also because Tae’s love is there in the way fae reach out for them, in the way fae collapse into bed and curl around them, soft breaths puffing into their neck. It’s there in the way Tae smiles at the sight of Jonghyun after a long day and the way fae remembered their favorite coffee order after just one date.

There are times though, where Jonghyun can’t help forgetting that though, their anxiety blowing normal things out of proportion and making them wonder if Tae ever even loved them in the first place. Because there are times, times where Tae doesn’t say I love you back, times where fae forget to text them back and times where fae flinch away from Jonghyun’s affectionate touches.

Jonghyun knows, rationally, that Tae loves them to death, that fae would never do anything to hurt them, but there are some times where Jonghyun just wants to ask, do you even love me?

It’s been almost three months, and they haven’t even kissed. Which is honestly okay, but for the way Jonghyun wants. And they can’t help blurting it out while Tae is half asleep, head in Jonghyun’s lap as Jonghyun tries to watch tv.

“Why haven’t we kissed yet?”

Tae doesn’t answer for a long few moments, and Jonghyun almost gives up, sure that fae’re asleep, but then fae open faer mouth to say, “I don’t know.”

And it’s such a Tae answer that Jonghyun can’t help laughing even though they can feel tears stinging in their eyes. “Okay,” they say, and maybe it’s something in the tone of their voice, or maybe Tae just knows them well enough by now, because fae open faer eyes and look up at them, frowning a little.

“Jonghyunnie, tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing. I’m fine, really.”

“Jonghyunnie,” Tae says after a minute, “do you want me to kiss you?”

And the words are on Jonghyun’s tongue (yes, please, kiss me like you need me) but they can’t say that, because they don’t want to make Tae upset, and they don’t want fae to hate them, or be a burden on them-

“Jonghyunnie,” Tae says again, and it’s like fae can tell what they’re thinking, because fae reach out to squeeze both of Jonghyun’s hands with faers. “Can I kiss you, Jonghyunnie? It’s okay if you say no.”

But Jonghyun doesn’t, because how could they, when this is all they’ve been wanting for so long? “Please,” is all Jonghyun manages to get out, and Tae just laughs a little, turning to face them fully. Fae look absolutely enamoured, and Jonghyun can’t help flushing pink when Tae says, “Baby.” like Jonghyun is the most precious thing in the world. And maybe, they are, to fae.

“I’m going to kiss you now, Jonghyunnie. Okay?” And Tae is close now, close enough that fae blur in Jonghyun’s vision, or maybe that’s just the tears that are welling up again.

“Okay,” Jonghyun breathes, and even before the word has finished falling from their lips, Tae’s lips are against theirs, soft and chaste and slightly chapped.

It’s definitely not the best kiss in the world, but it’s a nice one, and it’s quickly followed by a second, third, fourth - and Jonghyun starts to lose count after that, so they think it’s safe to think that Tae feels the same.

there are people who are marble floors, roman temples, black ink and the smell of the earth after rain.

Jonghyun meets Minho in a flurry of motion - a quick breath caught and lost, a harsh collision, the cold seeping into their bones even as the warmth of a foreign body blankets their own. It’s cliche, it’s so incredibly, stupidly cliche, but their heart is already melting as they blink up at the stranger that is staring down at them with something like worry and amusement plain on their face.

“Are you okay?” the stranger asks, and Jonghyun contemplates saying no for just a moment, just to see if they’d get helped to the benches or maybe even, impossibly, a phone number.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Fine, good, amazing, perfect, because the stranger has climbed off of them, gotten to their feet and offered their hand. They pull Jonghyun up with ease and Jonghyun doesn’t even have to pretend to wobble, squeezing their hand tight and reaching out to balance themself.

The stranger laughs a little, barely even faltering even though Jonghyun is now leaning full into them. “Are you sure? What’s your name?”

“Jonghyun,” they mumble, clutching tighter as the stranger begins to push off on the ice, gliding slow and careful, close to the wall.

“I’m Minho. Jonghyunnie, it’s easier if you’re not looking down. Just look ahead and lean on me, okay? I won’t let you fall.”

Jonghyun’s heart stutters and they nod, even if they can’t help squeaking when Minho tugs them forwards. And maybe it’s the romantic in them, but this is so nice, because Minho is tall and warm and sturdy, and they’re cute. Jonghyun almost wishes that Jinki were here to see them like this, on the arm of a person as cute as Minho.

“It might be easier like this,” Minho says then, taking one of Jonghyun’s hands in theirs and then easily, effortlessly spinning around to face them. They’re skating backwards now, careful and slow, and they’re holding both of Jonghyun’s hands in theirs, and Jonghyun can’t help giggling, because god. If Minho is flirting with them, they’re doing an excellent job of it, and even if they’re not, this will be something to brag to Jinki about for weeks.

“Thanks, Minhoie.”

“Minhoie?”

“Yeah! Since I’m Jonghyunnie, you’re Minhoie.” Minho doesn’t say anything to that, but they do smile warm and bright at them, and the gentleness in it really does make Jonghyun feel like they’re melting from the inside out. They just keep tugging Jonghyun along, slow and steady and careful, looking over their shoulder occasionally to make sure they won’t bump into anyone. They look natural on the ice, and though their cheeks are red and their hands are cold, they don’t appear to feel the cold - or maybe they’re just used to it.

“Aren’t you cold?” They’re not even wearing a jacket.

“No, I’ve taken skating lessons since I was little, so I’m used to it. Are you?” And before Jonghyun can say anything, Minho starts skating towards the entrance of the rink, holding both of Jonghyun’s hands tight. “Come on, we’ll get something warm to eat. Don’t want you cold, Jonghyunnie.”

Jonghyun absolutely can’t bite back the giggle now, because yeah, this is probably, definitely a date. (Minho sitting them down and going to order and pay for everything basically confirms that. So does the soft cheek kiss and the phone number Jonghyun gets just before Minho has to go.)

there are people who are star-gazing, holding your breath, little smiles, subtle touches and soft fabric.

They meet because of an astrology class that Jonghyun hadn't even wanted to take. It'd been either astrology or some physics class, and Jonghyun chose astrology in a heartbeat. And it's actually not that bad of a class - or, it wouldn't be if the teacher wasn't so boring. Their only solace is that she does the lectures with the lights off, that they sits way up in the back so she won't notice them, that they’re able to write out little lyrics and poems and occasionally scribble down notes. Jonghyun's other solace is the boy that sits next to them, always more than half asleep or trying to open some snack without disturbing the teacher. It's cute, it's enamoring, and Jonghyun finds themself writing a lot of love songs.

They’re all songs that the boy - Jinki - won’t ever hear, and that’s okay. The words are for Jonghyun alone, which is probably why Jonghyun nearly faints when Jinki leans over one day and plucks Jonghyun’s notebook from their desk. “What’s this?” Jinki asks, and it’s only because of how cute he is that Jonghyun doesn’t immediately snatch it back.

“It’s - just things I’ve been writing.”

Of course though, Jinki manages to flip to the end, where the songs are very obviously about him. “Who are these about?”

“You’d laugh if you knew, so I’m not telling you.”

“I want you to tell me though.”

Something about the way Jinki’s said it makes Jonghyun’s breath catch, and Jinki smiles a little before leaning back so it looks like he’s paying attention to the teacher. Jonghyun does end up telling him though, and even though Jinki laughs, it doesn’t seem like he’s laughing at them, because of how fond he looks. It’s kind of nice.

And so is the way Jinki asks them out months later, even if it is on Valentine’s day. Which had been unintentional, apparently, but it’s just cute. Jinki’s cute, and Jonghyun feels cute whenever they sit with him at lunch, because they hold hands under the table so Kibum won’t tease them, and everything about their new relationship is just so cute. Jinki’s cute when Jonghyun steals that first quick kiss, and Jonghyun is sure they’re cute when they open their locker to find that Jinki’s stuffed it full of flowers.

And Jinki’s especially cute when he picks Jonghyun up close to 8pm, blushing and stuttering like he hasn’t already met Jonghyun’s family before. He’s wearing a thick sweater and tight fitting pants (the one that Jonghyun always says makes his thighs look nice), and he blushes even harder when Jonghyun kisses him, ignoring their sister’s cooing and their mom’s smile.

“You two have fun now,” she says, and Jonghyun pushes Jinki out the door so he doesn’t have to listen to whatever comment Sodam will make. Jinki does press a quick kiss to Jonghyun’s cheek once they’re safe in his car, and he lets them have the aux cord even though he knows they’ve been listening to the same album for weeks now.

“So where are we going?”

“Guess, Jonghyunnie.”

“Tell!”

And Jinki is as weak for Jonghyun as they are for him, because Jinki just laughs a little and squeezes their hand before saying, “We’re going stargazing, Jonghyunnie.”

It’s a cute first date, but it’s also so cliche, which makes it that much better. Jinki doesn’t look like it, but he’s kind of a huge romantic, and even just the idea of them stargazing together has Jonghyun giggling.

It’s nice though - they stop for smoothies before heading up to the big sledding hill and spreading out a blanket for them to lay on. They’re the only ones there (which, of course, because it’s only barely April, and still chilly) so Jonghyun curls up close to Jinki, closing their eyes as Jinki’s hand runs soft down the length of their side.

“You know, you’re supposed to have your eyes open to look at the stars, Jonghyunnie.” Jinki’s voice is quiet, but Jonghyun can hear the fondness run through, and they - like always - can’t help pouting.

“You wouldn’t know my eyes were closed if you weren’t looking at me!”

“I am looking at the stars, Jonghyunnie.”

And oh my god, because Jinki would. “Shut up!” They’re laughing as they say it, and Jinki’s laughing too, breathy little chuckles as he leans down to kiss the top of Jonghyun’s head.

“You’re cute, Jonghyunnie.”

Jonghyun knows, but they let Jinki tell them that in between quick kisses and soft touches as they pout and whine for more praise.

Not much stargazing is done that night, but that’s okay - it’s the perfect first date in Jonghyun’s opinion.

#shinee #jongtae #jongyu #jongho #LETS pretend this isnt like . a month late lmao #my writing #3 more fics . to go . god #hey tht post made me nut ! n i was lik gonna do smth with it but then ? it didnt end up like tht but well keep it anyw #uh jongyu dont Do Anythig other than kiss n be soft togheter bc they are both Soft n in Lov #kibum is th (un)lucky friend tht gets to hear a l l about it from jong and jinki separateyl on nth same damb night #theyre both textin him n hes jus . he jus wants to Sleeb bls #kibum lovs both of his friends 2 deaht but somotimes he rly hates how guhsy they are #his aro heart cant ta k e it somtimes esp when jongs in a pouty mood #onho get along :) spectacularly :) they tease jong a lot n make them pouty n angery #everyones soft n good thts th importnat part #this rly is a whole month late ! oof !#nayw it is Done thank u @ god

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twistedesire · 4 years

Audio

How a Heart Can Shatter

Once upon a time I fell in love With a man i deemed "The one" He was shy and sweet And awkward Just like me I trusted him very much For he was no ordinary man to me He was my first love And now, i fear, my last All i knew of men Was endowed to me by him He was a liar A deceiver And still i endured through many red flags He blocked doorways Stole away my ability to cry for help Trap me in ways with words That made my emotions my very prison I prayed i was not the only one The only girl he hurt But the further i searched the more i realized I'm alone And forever i'll remain as such You see, i'll never fall in love again Who would want a rapist pedophiles trash Who would shoulder my burdens he left me in No one You see I loved a man who admitted to me after 8 years he was looking at children sexually Delving into the confines of his own mind As to why a man would touch him as a boy I thought i could save him Figured time and space would save us from ourselves Instead it drew the poisoned blade of betrayal further into my chest And i'm the barer of the hilt I thought that if we ran off together Like a magical love story Away from the judgement Away from the hate But i could never run from myself The scars on my heart do fester still Every time i gaze upon his pictures They swell up with the deceitful infection he truly is He moved on so fast 8 years Less than a week it took for him to move on And the more i knew of his inability to control himself The more i waited in silence I waited for my friends For any family that truly cared Liar Shit novel apologist Cyber bully Bitch Rude Pity Party Finger pointer I own my lumps The pills do swell in my throat now And i can't comprehend to communicate any further Because how can one speak when all she hears is a cold deadly silence Filled with the echoes of loved ones a girl would die for Only to know that my love cannot be returned How all i needed was a simply hug A gesture of kindness A form of attention to at least show that i know i hurt But i have done what it took to be better Isn't that how justice works? I do wrong I apologize meaningfully Show the change with actions alone Only to see that even though i am human And i make mistakes That i am not allowed to act upon my emotions Dont feel sad Dont get angry Im not feeling anything friend I am nothing... I do not ask for pity I do not ask for sympathy I plead and grovel and beg for your ability to just read my words Know my pain is real And i plead Upon the line that is my life That you belief the words i am about to say Joseph Bass Once a man i loved with all my heart and soul You raped me You cheated on me You lied to me so so so much You robbed me You hurt me You drugged me And now all i can simply say is Thank you Thank you for being the final nail in the coffer I don't need your attention anymore I dont need anyone Or thing I dont need to exist I now can leave this plane of existence Knowing there is worse things in life Than simply death itself That although i drown in my emotions tonight And maybe even more inside my mind And maybe drown physically too I let you go Finally i let you go in my soul I burned your name on a piece of parchment paper With all the reasons i couldn't forgive you And i burned my hand in return I drowned you out of my head When i tried to breathe aquatic air And as i lay sputtering out The liquid that i desperately tried to replace in my lungs From the screams of internal pain of your betrayal I realized I could lay here and die And no one would come save me No one cared.... That the only way a person who truly cared were to know my name anymore Was in a report in a social media group I do not hold a bitter heart I do not speak in spite In fact tears do stream from my eyes tonight As i pick at the few pieces of what hope in humanity i had left The fact that i was even alive I do not comprehend I kept imagining it inside my mind Almost with an empty smile That you never loved me All the times you grabbed me And begged me "please dont cheat on me" As i simply left to lose the weight you complained Got in the way of your fantasies of what you dreamed a woman for you could be You made me feel like if i didn't learn Didn't flourish Didn't grow That i was the perfect one for you In proving in doing nothing Living dead inside That i was proving to you my loyalties As a faithful and honest woman You broke me in ways i wish i could consume cyanide upon And although i do not blame a soul for my pain I give recognition i hurt too That i am human And i feel pain too That empathy is a curse More than a gift And i may make it worse By falling further into darkness That one day i'll see you Face to face And i'll look you in those eyes i compared to "Eyes of a warrior of earth and fire" Only to speak from mine of "I wish i died before i met you" Because my heart has been broken For the first and last time i'll ever permit it And although i was just a token For you to just simply keep I want you to know You broke the true light in me 8 years And i was the other girl You lusted for a youthful girl Children were not innocent anymore Neither am i Virginity was never my chastity belt My ability to pretend i did not know My ability to act as if their is no evil That my super powers to love beyond all my being Were taken from me in ways that help the dirt upon my coffin splatter harder And when you let me down one last time Please i beg of you Do not leave a rose A letter of love Do not come to see my body that i mutilated Because i wanted to prove to myself That i can only hurt me now That i screamed "i loved you" inside my mind Only to know the words that were spoken upon my lips Were those of all that hurt me in my heart Broke me till i became heartless That you had no respect for even your new mistress And that's what helped me move on And when the day comes If i make it to that day I wanted you to know Thank you anyways For the bloodied sheets The vericrose veins The inability To truly help me The lies you instilled into my drug addled brain And the fact you killed the my inner child that was my last line to be sane And as i lose myself To a darkness i may no return I hope you know that, yes I secretly wanted you to spurn My anger internalized Into bruises upon my own arms and face I can scratch myself till i bleed now And bite till a mere tattoo And all i ask of as a final wish upon my death My love for you Was it worth all this Lying so much that you tainted an already shattered heart That when you deceived me The true betrayal was that i finally felt whole Only to see that it was all an illusion That all i am to you was a concubine to satisfy your affections And when i simply asked in return was for your protection That you too cast me away in ways and words That broke me I finally learned to hurt me by choking myself till i cant see And when i sputter for air and i cry and internally scream I know that i am in a darkness so black That shadows have come for to take my soul back Take me away to another world Take me away from here Take me away from the pain So i dont feel again That when you finally feel any emotion That deems you human Such as true sadness and pain I want to ask you "Does it hurt? Do you want the pain to stop?" Because when i begged you the same You simply replied "No, it feels good" That the moment i came to the realization That my pain had brought you pleasure I realized In the pit of my stomach You did not love me And that to me was rape That as i asked and state "owe stop it hurt" and you replied with your cold cruel callous words I broke off inside my mind To a land of the divine That god needs me now And i dont belong here anymore That apparently it took me to be raped to grow And i dont want to be here In a world of such cruelty Because even as the tears trickle to puddles at my feet I'd rather simply end me So i dont have to ever be seen I tried to do better But i stood up for myself I thought i was finally being brave Instead i was hurting loved ones Without even trying And my anger burned Because it felt like that that was all i was to others A friendly face A giving soul A generous person a smile to ensure your happiness And when you ended it with words such as "i love you as a friend" i knew you did not care any more That you were held back by people who i did not love you either That inside my mind All i can remember is your smiling face And now Every smile is a lie Every human who wants to interact wants something And every face that once meant so much Is now the reason i don't long for another human touch That i lay awake at night Thinking of the things you did to me And how it violates my being And i wish a thousand ways to die to simply end me And tears sting upon my skin And they burn inside my eyes And i am now i realize i the 8th sin One that burns with an endless fire One of immortal pain A twisted desire All it took was one To break a damsel to be a dragon And when you run to another Or get rejected time and time again Remember the woman who filled your fridge Who cleaned your laundry properly Who scrubbed your dishes spic and span Who folded your underwear that special way you like Who rubbed your feet and massaged your back Who helped you up when you could no longer bend straight Who directed you when you were lost Who gave her everything to be your other half Only for her to realize that i was 100% of the connection And all i asked for was my 50% of your simple affection And as my eyes watered up Asking in a voice that croaked "i think i want to die" When you ignored me I just simply broke When you shielded yourself with others While i knew i had no one And all i can think of is of my own mother And how i had to disown Because she is older now And her task is done She raised a woman And i have my own beautiful home That may end as a tomb But i love you mother Friends and family I was just trying to stick up for me And blew up in rage And i apologize for being greedy All i wanted was your affection I know it was very needy I cut out my gluttonous addictions And im sorry i was so prideful Pompous upon my beleif That i did nothing wrong For how you all reacted to me And now i see it and the pain does burn That if i finally quit Its only me i spurn That im so alone that im already dead inside And now im trapped in my home And i feel nothing Even if i am alive That i could be a ghost Wandering around an already empty apartment And what hurts the most Is would anybody even notice?

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azrielsiphons · 7 years

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LORD OF SHADOWS REACTION POST

I didn’t want to make an entire reading thread like I did with Lady Midnight (which was kind of popular for my typical stuff, I still don’t know why, it was just a lot of flailing) because LoS is still so fresh and I’m afraid to spoil anyone who might not have the tags blacklisted. So under the cut, IN ORDER AS I READ, is my genuine LoS reactions. Enjoy my flailing.

Kit you precious little bean don’t steal daggers you should know better

JACE IS HERE SHIT SHIT SHIT

He just had to go and name drop Will in like the first five pages I am C R Y I N G

Oh Julian is being ‘scrupulously polite and kind’ over you and Mark’s “relationship”? IS HE EMMA? IS HE REALLY?

Ew Mark kissing Emma’s cheek made me want to throw up blood too, Julian

“Did he just kill Magnus?” I HOPE AND PRAY I NEVER SEE ANY VARIATION OF THAT SENTENCE EVER AGAIN

Take a shot every time I think to myself “ugh, Perfect Diego”

FUCKING HELL PERFECT DIEGO AND CRISTINA ARE BACK TOGETHER DAMMIT CRISTINA

Awwwww Ty my precious son you’re so concerned for Kit

I love Mark so much my sweet faerie child

UGH EMMA AND MARK KISSING GROSS MAKE IT STOP

CLARY TURNED DOWN JACE’S PROPOSAL HAHAHAHA WHY AM I LAUGHING

Cassandra Clare let me make something clear if you ever kill my daughter Clary Fray I will SET THIS WORLD ON FIRE

so clary is having dreams of her and emma and cortana and she knows she’s gonna die uMMMMMMMM????? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???? IF MY GIRL EMMA HAS TO KILL CLARY FOR WHATEVER REASON YALL CAN CATCH ME 6 FEET UNDER THE GROUND

THAT’S RIGHT KIT YOU DEFEND TY BLACKTHORN

Mark and Cristina Mark and Cristina Mark and Cristina MARK AND CRISTINA

God bless America I forgot how much I adore Jace Herondale but then at the same time he makes me miss Will and when I miss Will I want to DIEEEEEEE

take a shot everytime someone says something to the effect of “we can’t involve the Clave”

lol jace “i’m just going to haul clary off to *wink wink* get chinese food *wink wink* be back in 20 *wink wink*”

oh wait they actually just got chinese food wtf i need me a man like that

MAGNUS AND ALEC ADOPTED A SECOND CHILD NAMED RAFAEL DONT MIND ME ILL JUST BE SOBBING INTO MY BEER FOR THE NEXT HOUR

More of Ty and Livvy’s relationship pls i love sibling bonds

WTF ZARA???? PERFECT DIEGO IS CANCELLED YET. AGAIN.

“Smug bastard. Hair’s too good. I don’t trust people with hair that good.” KIT MY SON IM ADOPTING YOU IMMEDIATELY

Julian slamming the door in Emma’s face made me slam MY face into a door

“She refused to hurry her steps — not for anyone.” Note to self: be more like Cristina

okay real quick these centurions talking shit about my father magnus bane are about to find my six inch stilettos up their tight assholes bYE

okay these nazi centurions are CANCELLED

oh my gosh my smol son ty smiling at kit kill me NOW

DONT WORRY JULIAN IM RUINED TOO LAFJLKAFJ;L; THAT KISS SCENE MY GODDDDDDD

wow who would have thought i would like gwyn damn (also gwyn x diana??? im??? here for it???)

THEY’RE GOING TO THE FAERIE COURT FUCK ME UPPPPPP

NO FUCK OFF ZARA YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF

wait but… but kit and ty… but he just kissed livvy and they’re cute too… gdi

i hope emma and/or cristina rips zara’s head right from her shoulders

JULIAN AND EMMA ARE KISSING AGAINNNNN

FUCK IT WASN’T REALLY HER

FUCK

what

w h a t

W H A T

HER FATHER OH TKLEJFLMY GDO EM AM AY IT S YOUR DAD WFFJTF

jk it wasn’t her dad gdi

Diana is my mother now since she just SHUT ZARA TF DOWN

MALCOLM???????????????

oh shit yall it’s the ‘oh no we have to share a bed’ trope and i am LIVING

julian hiding his boner is my aesthetic

emma you can’t just casually mention my father luke garroway wtf

I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW ITTTT ANNABEL KILLED MALCOLM

what’s wrong with Cristina’s arm… wHAT’S WRONG WITH CRISTINA’S ARM LEAVE MY DAUGHTER ALONE

Julian just snapped at Emma and I have never been more uncomfortable please stop fighting mom and dad

“neither julian nor emma slept well that night, though each of them thought they were the only one troubled, and the other one was probably resting just fine” real quick i just need to go drink a gallon of bleach to get over this

all these references to will and jem are really fucking me up

GDI JESSAMINE

WILL AND JEM’S HEIGHT MEASURING WALL IM SOBBING JUST LEAVE ME TO DIE

“Tessa used to come and ask me too. She wanted to know where Will was.” WHAT THE FUCK A LOT OF PAINFUL THINGS ARE HAPPENING ALL VERY QUICKLY

“I want you to be proud of me.” SHIT FUCK HELL DAMN FUCK

MARK AND THE GNOME IM CHOKING

Real quick Bridget imma need you to stop alluding to jem and will and also tell me how TF YOU’RE ALIVE

oooOOOOoooo a compartment to themselves??? HMMMMMM

Mark x Kieran x Cristina did you mean Lito x Hernando x Daniella?

ANNABEL GET AWAY FROM MY SON JULIAN

KLDKFLAJFK;AFALKL MAGNUS SAVING MY CHILDREN AT THE SHADOW MARKET IM SO FUCKING ALIVE

I love my father Magnus Bane

I LOVE MY FATHER ALEC LIGHTWOOD

Alec talking about Jace you bet your sweet ass I’m crying

On a serious note — props to CC for this representation of autism through Ty, and how Kit treats him so damn well. Very, very cool.

GWYN AND DIANA ARE ADORABLE FIGHT ME I LOVE THEM

My domestic fathers Magnus and Alec are saving my life

BRIDGET WANTS THAT LIGHTWOOD DICK EVEN STILL

All Magnus wants to do is adopt every sad downworlder alive and I LOVE HIM ALL THE MORE FOR IT

EMMA AND JULIAN HOLDING EACH OTHER IN THEIR SLEEP BYE FOREVER

Don’t worry Emma I too live on the Sexy Thoughts River and the Sea of Perversion

EMMA WANTS A SELFIE WITH A PISKIE IM CHOKING I LOVE HER

FUCK SHIT IT’S JAIME NO DRU RUN

Mark just had a sex dream about Kieran in the library I’m laughing so hard

OH KIERAN GAVE HIM THE SEX DREAM WOW KINKY I NEED ME A FREAK LIKE THAT

Actually wait I change my mind fuck you Kieran that wasn’t cool of you

THE PLATE OF SCONES IM CRYING I MISS YOU SOPHIE AND GIDEON

NO SIR JAIME YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER DRU YOU INSOLENT FUCKBOY

DAMN can CC write so freaking well holy shit

but are Cristina and Mark kissing because they love each other??? or because of the binding spell?????? will the world EVER KNOW????

POLYAMORY???? WHAT??????

Kit and Ty are … the … most adorable thing… in the whole world…

“It's a burden being sarcastic” I’M CHOK ING TO DEATH

FUCK YOU EREC FIRST YOU COME AFTER MY DAUGHTER CRISTINA NOW I FIND OUT YOU TORTURED MY SON KIERAN???

Jaime is evil I can smell it

MOM AND DAD ARE FIGHTING MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOPPPPP  Julian appearing out of nowhere sitting on a boulder in the pouring rain completely Unbothered™ like name a more iconic entrance

DADDY JULIAN HAS EMERGED HOT DAMN SHOVE HER AGAINST THAT WALL DADDY FUCK HER REAL GOOD I need to chill i'm sorry

BREAK MY HEART BREAK IT IN PIECES

Gdi Dru

SLAP HIM CRISTINA YES MY QUEEN

Wait... shit is Jaime actually a good guy? DAMMIT

MAGNUS CAUGHT THEM LOLOLOL he isn't even concerned though bc he knows parabatai love each other extra hard bc he witnessed Will and Jem's love firsthand lol BYE

Who tf is Ash? I mean he's Dru's age and they just had a "coincidental meeting" so CLEARLY he's a love interest but

NO FUCK YOU JAIME I STILL DONT TRUST YOU

DIANA IS TRANS WHAT IM SO HERE FOR THIS MY STRONG WARRIOR QUEEN

Gwyn is the actual love of my life

"Pyromania interests me" Ty, my son, I love you

Dad!Julian makes me WEEP

Coincidentally, Dad!Alec ALSO MAKES ME WEEP

PRETENTIOUS HAIR PRINCE JENXKAOOAJW EMMA I FUCKING ADORE YOU

MAGNUS NAME DROPPED MY MOTHER MAIA OMG

Emma referring to implied polyamory as a sexy weirdness is ME

Pffffffft Kieran calling Diego the "very handsome stupid one" is ALSO MEEEEEEE

"The bad things can't matter more than the good things" Cristina....... my daughter........

Ty's letter GOODBYE ALL IM DONE

HELEN OMGGGGGGGG

Kieran ain't got time for your SHIT Robert

MAGNUS NOOOOOOOOOO

Sassy!Alec defending his man and not dealing with Bigot!Zara's bullshit I’m so wet

OH MY GOD ROBERT

NANSIZOANWPZOAPALWK THE MORTAL SWORD OMG

what

what.

Livvy isn't dead

No livvy isnt dead

No no

Wait what the FUCK

THATS THE E N D ????

W H A T T H E F U C K

BYE.

BYE forever I'm going to go live in a world where Livvy is alive and well because fuck all this BYEEEEEEEEEE

so like 2019…. where u at

#moe reads los #los spoilers #lord of shadows spoilers #lord of shadows #this was PAINFULLLLLLLL #O U C H #cc you've done it again #amazing #A FUCKING PLUS

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