#Fuck you won't do what you tell me

[memories-beneath-the-skin]

#rage against the machine #killing in the name #my music #Hard music #Mood #Fuck you won't do what you tell me

[yet-another-haven-of-dollya]

*Tap mic*

Yes, it is I - your poor little Dollya

As some of you may have known already because of my constant whining and bickering for the past few days, my original blog was flagged and I'm trying to appeal. Things seem to not be on my side, though, so I figured a new blog is a must.

I won't delete the og blog, there are too many things going on over there and I simply can not. All my contributions to the DoL fandom, my AU and asks and stuffs,... have all been hidden away from the tags.

Not gonna lie I was terribly discouraged and couldn't pick up a pen to draw or do anything for several days. Terrible, just simply terrible, to look at the ask box or that stupid default avatar icon... But, well, you know, it is what it is, no point just weeping around so might as well make a new place to post stuffs!

This is a sub-blog with the same email address as the flagged one, I think I would still use the same tags as the original flagged blog: Dollya art, Dollya ask,... and I won't repost my higher interaction posts here either, that's just bitter.

I will post more "community-friendly" kinds of stuff here, so spicier asks or requests oughta go to the original blog' ask box... I don't really know, I guess things will kinda fall into the right places after some time... What do you call it? Settle down?

Anyway, I'll try to be positive. After all, the Pandora box was opened, so if I don't hold onto the tiny hope left behind, I will have nothing.

Let's just hope for the best.

#dollya art #dol pc #robin the orphan #dol robin #dol fanart #degrees of lewdity #dol #You can already tell I'm still very sad :( and I'm gonna be a bitch about it to the day Tumblr un-flagged me that blog is my everything #I didn't spend every last thread of my sanity drawing and answering to be flagged fuck it I haven't even opened any commission slot yet #I won't let that blog go what if my mutuals come back one day and wonder where am I?? Some of them've gone for a while I want to wait #my face is exactly how my icon looks: fucking bitter and can't do anything #Lya the Blossom #Lyah the Emancipated

[frost-felon]

Musing on Kashimo. I didn't originally find his character interesting, but 238 made me want to look into what Gege was going for with him. After some review, my conclusion is that he's constantly dissatisfied. Not because he's just a Fight Junkie™, but rather because if what Sukuna is saying is true (and Kashimo doesn't deny it), then Kashimo wants to treat others with care, but doesn't know how.

Fundamentally, violence can excite him (as much as it can be boring, like he implies many of his fights before Hakari were), but it can't bring him peace. Sukuna, to Kashimo, is "perfection". Why? Is it because Sukuna is unbothered? Or because Sukuna doesn't feel ill at-ease alone? Maybe it's just wanting a perfect body and a perfect soul, but given how Kashimo is looking away when Sukuna says he's greedy for being troubled by solitude when slaughtering others, I think it's deeper than that. Kashimo keeps his eyes closed, but makes what looks to be a grimace/smirk combo when Sukuna explains his own philosophy.

Using his Cursed Technique meant dying, and Kashimo used it to try and find an answer for his issues with connecting to others, and the pursuit of power. But I don't think Sukuna's answer satisfied him.

When Kashimo lived 400 years ago, he chose a path of bloodshed that left him as a small, dying man amidst carnage, with Kenjaku's words as a final temptation. In the Culling Games, Kashimo once again chose slaughter, forgoing connection, until he met Hakari and found someone he could find surprise and satisfaction (delight, even) in. In the times Hakari seemed to be perishing, Kashimo deflates, first expressing boredom, then resignation (and perhaps loss). After giving Hakari a chance to do unto Kashimo as he had done to others, Hakari chooses to make a deal with him.

The expressions Kashimo makes throughout and after the fight are quite interesting. He's drawn as if he doesn't know what to do with himself, and clings to the goal he made in the last moments we saw of his first life. He's confused at Hakari's claim of getting another to obey by being his senpai (Yuji), which he mistakes for being Sukuna's senpai. But he doesn't voice this.

Ultimately, in his third chance at discovering himself, he chooses his goal of fighting Sukuna to the death, foregoing any future chances, and leaving the connections he could have made behind. In those moments where he converses with Sukuna, my interpretation is that he regrets it. In his final death, he realizes that he'd traded away his remaining chances to connect with others, so as to allay his fears of the unknown with the familiarity of battle and imagined purpose.

It's a negative character arc, where Kashimo chooses a lie (the thrall of battle) at the expense of growth and self-fulfillment (finding companionship and learning how to care for others). I don't think it's a perfect fit, and obviously there is a silly air to it, but the theme song for "Private Pure Love Train" does describe Kashimo's mentality and character arc destination:

I didn't care much for him before, but I'd have liked to see how Kashimo fared during the timeskip. Did he stick close to Hakari, or did he coop himself up and away from others? Did he get to know Kirara or Maki? What did he think of Sukuna's former vessel, and what might interacting with Yuji have revealed about both of their characters? In the end, that possible development or regression was skipped. All I know is that Kashimo exited life's station, alone.

#Jujutsu Kaisen #JJK #JJK 238 #Spoilers #Jujutsu Kaisen Spoilers #JJK Spoilers #JJK Manga Spoilers #Kashimo Hajime #Hajime Kashimo #Analysis #JJK Analysis #Kashimo fans. Please tell me your thoughts on this man. #Kashimo may be one of the biggest victims of that fucking timeskip. #What do you like about him in canon? What would you have liked to see? #This is admittedly rambly and unrefined. #Also. Kashimo would definitely relate to Radiohead's Creep. You can @ me--but you won't change my mind on that.

[lestappenforever]

Just in case this wasn’t very clear: Sending anonymous (coward) Lestappen hate my way is an absolute waste of your time and energy because I could not care less about whatever shit you're spewing and I'll block you without even bothering to read your entire ask.

#Asks #Anon asks #Like fuck what are you hoping to achieve? 😂 Do you think you'll change my mind? Make me feel bad? #What a sad way to live your life spreading hate #I know you probably think you're badass sending anon hate to a Lestappen blog but let me tell you: you are anything but #It's just sad my dude #The clicks wasted to get into my ask box only to type out a long message I won't even read #Like damn babe #I've been part of fandoms for far too long to let those types of tragic attempts at being “cool” get to me in any way shape or form #If you have an issue with a ship just backlist tags and block blogs posting about it

[alexcabotgf]

not to be true crime posting on main but i think i'm falling down the wm3 rabbit hole again

#xenia.txt #when i tell you this case keeps me up at night to this day #not even the murders themselves as much as the general public's reception to and opinions on the case 3 decades later like #i get why it;s always been so divisive especially after the pl docus came out (lots of opinions on those btw none of them are good #from the bottom of my heart fuck you joe berlinger and bruce sinofsky) #but it's truly baffling how no one is willing to do the research on what is arguably THE most well documented true crime case in recent #history like. everything that's ever been released to the general public is available online and i mean everything #you can find all the court files trial transcripts depositions interogation tapes aerial photos you name it it's out there for anyone with #internet connection to access at any and all hours of the day #and yet people are still foaming at the mouth fighting on reddit abt their innocence based off nothing but a couple of movies like #bffr with me right now!! almost every point the innocenters make can be easily debunked by scrolling through callahan for 15 minutes #'but they've been pushing for dna testing since their release so they can't be guilty' baby the case is closed! #it's been closed the second they took the plea. they can be striking under that courthouse and it still won't change a thing and they knowi #that's why they're pushing for it in the first place but that's just my opinion #^ and i say they but it's really only echols which makes a lot of sense to me personally #and if you want to talk abt dna testing let's talk abt the one that was done in 2011 and how the defense hurried to propose the plea as soo #as they got the results! let's talk abt those cause no one's ever seen them and i would very much like to #braga share the results the people want to know!! #makes me wonder which pieces of evidence they even submitted for that 2011 testing because if i'm remembering correctly #there was one that would've closed this case instantly and maybe that's why the results were never disclosed and the plea was rushed #but that's also just my opinion #and it's also interesting how the majority of people who have in fact deep dived into this case #(and i'm not talking abt big true crime youtubers as i'm very sceptical abt their research abilities) #all collectively lean towards guilty. much to think about #i was hoping someone would make another ~actually~ unbiased documentary for the 30th anniversary and go over all the case files #but i don't think that's even realistic at this point seeing as everyone and their mother has some sort of an opinion on this case #hbo deserves another lawsuit for this. they should've never won the first one in the first place #true crime tw

[swordsonnet]

sorry but saying that the accessibility needs of mentally disabled people are just preferences or about "comfort" is blatantly incorrect. if i can't enter a building because the bright lights and loud noises would send me into a meltdown, then i can't enter the building, and that's not less important than me not being able to enter a building because it's not wheelchair accessible. if you genuinely think that mentally disabled people aren't really struggling, and that it's okay to mock their very real concerns, then that just shows that you've been refusing to listen to their experiences. do better or shut the fuck up.

#yeah yeah i know i said i wouldn't post about this stupid fucking 'discourse' anymore #but i keep seeing takes that make my blood boil #physical and mental disabilities are two sides of the same coin! yes there are differences but also a lot of commonalities #but nooooo expecting people to have even an ounce of fucking compassion for those who dont share their exact lived experience #is too much to ask for i guess #i've said this many times before but gatekeeping and infighting will get us nowhere #throwing your fellow disabled people under the bus won't help you #i get people's anger - i have a lot of anger too as someone who is housebound with a physical disability #but other disabled people arent your enemy #and taking your anger out on them is just a dick move #especially if you do so using the same ableist 'its all in your head' rhetoric #that mentally disabled people have had to put up with since forever #disclaimer: obviously not all physically disabled people act like that. from what i can tell its just a small (but very vocal) minority #but it's pervasive enough to make me wary of online spaces for physical disabilities #which is kinda sad seeing as i have a physical disability myself and would love to connect with others #but i'm not super keen on being told that my autism (which has significantly impacted me my whole life) doesn't matter

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

if dorian didn't show up, do you think louis would have shot minnie?

I do. I know some people think either he wouldn't have or he would've missed so that's why the writers had him shoot Dorian instead, but mmmmmm no, I don't personally think so. I like to think that if he had taken the shot, his shaky hands would've caused him to shoot her fatally.

Mostly because I'm already so normal about the fact that of the Ericson crew, Marlon and Louis are the only ones with a body count. Well, that we know of, but shown to us in the game, at least. Plus, we know it's Louis' first kill.

Like yeah, Clementine and AJ become part of the crew and they have bigger body counts, and if we're counting indirect kills caused by actions, then Tenn has a count... and I guess everyone has blood on their hands for blowing up the boat... but I'm talking about killed directly with a weapon like....... I lied, I'm not normal about that at all, Louis and Marlon are the ones who have killed someone in Louis' route. I'm also not normal about the fact that Louis kills Dorian and then even as he's clearly in shock, he tries to go with Clementine to get AJ, and then later on when they talk about it, he says it feels like bile but not quite and he's glad he has it in him to do it.... listen, listen, listen... I'm obsessed with that.

Anyway, so if Louis shot Minerva, I think he would've accidentally killed her and can you imagine? He's already enough of a mess after killing the woman who pinned him down and tried to cut his finger off [or succeeded] but he knew Minerva, they were friends before the twins were taken. Even Violet couldn't kill her even though that would've been the smarter thing to do, and we know thanks to meta knowledge that killing her would've saved lives, but Violet couldn't, and I don't think Louis would intentionally either.

Speaking of Violet, if Louis killed Minerva, I hate to think about what that would've done to Vi. I think she might've actually left at that point, like what was planned before it got changed to her being burned. I don't think she would've attacked Louis over it, though, like yeah she attacked Clementine in the cell but Louis? I don't know, but I don't think so just because it's Louis and he'd be a mess about it anyway.

Though if he did kill her, it would be a neat parallel to draw... y'know, because Louis forgave AJ for killing Marlon even though he was pissed and heartbroken, and Violet was annoyed with him the entire time... but could she ever forgive Louis for killing Minerva? Y'know? We already have a similar parallel with AJ shooting Tenn, but still.

If Clementine killed Minerva in that moment, though, then I could see Violet attacking her since in her eyes, Clem proved her right.

So yeah, I get why they added the Dorian kill to his route. It adds another compelling element to Louis as a character, but we also need Minerva alive for episode 4; Louis can't kill her, he can't miss, and he's not going to stay with her because we need Violet to stay on the boat and him to be on shore for all routes.

#asks #twdg louis #twdg minerva #twdg clementine #twdg violet #twdg marlon #twdg tenn #honestly whenever i see someone say louis is the boring option i'm just like '.......that's your opinion but also how can you say that??' #then again i'm sure other people look at me saying violentine just isn't for me and they say the same thing so y'know... i can't talk haha #also time is such a weird thing because i look at the entire cell scene in louis' route and like... i'm not even mad about violet anymore #like yeah i still don't believe she was brainwashed like i'm sorry y'all only believe that because kent said something about it #not because there's all this evidence toward it in game like vi being pissed at clementine makes sense she doesn't need to be brainwashed #for it to work like her being vulnerable and easily manipulated into submission makes perfect sense especially with minerva there #it's like everyone was pissed that she attacked clementine and people needed a way to excuse it so it's not violet's fault when like... #that's literally what makes it interesting like calm down it's okay if violet is pissed and scared and behaves accordingly #also my controversial opinion of the day that i'll hide here in the tags so maybe people won't find it sksksk but #I personally find the concept of vinerva and the doomed tragedy of it more compelling than anything violentine did #like i'll defend violentine and i do believe it's an important and good ship it's just not my personal favorite #anyway but then the whole thing with lilly and minerva is so good and louis screaming FUCK YOU at minerva?? amazing love it so good #i love when the soft character who never chooses violence is so pissed off that all that anger they have boils to the surface and it's raw #like... he's SO mad he's SO furious he's SOOO UPSET like he wasn't even like this when marlon died or anything like he hit his limit #and then shooting dorian through the mouth while an accident is just well done i love it and i love his reaction of mortification #and apologizing and YET he still tries to go with clementine he's trembling and can barely string together a sentence but he wants to go #he wants to help her he wants to save aj THAT is the gut reaction he has after everything that just went down #'louis isn't loyal or good for clem because of the vote' babe tell me you don't understand any nuance of louis' character without telling m #it's fine IT'S FINE you don't have to agree and i just have to remind myself that it's fine not everyone likes louis we're okay #this drives me crazy in the best way like y'know what? i love the cells scene in louis' route all of it even the stuff i used to rant about #even the stuff that used to piss me off now i'm just like 'no wait past cj was dumb she wasn't looking at it this way aaaaaaaa' sksksks #that was my tag ted talk about the cell scene thank you

[weepylucifer]

Also i'm like 100 pages into the left hand of darkness and i know, i can smell it on the book, that they're going to bond Somehow, but right now it's just estraven being like "h-" and genly immediately going "BOOOOO WE HATE YOUR ?? pussy?? (???)"

#posts by me #i personally do trust estraven he seems to genuinely want to keep genly alive #why is genly like this #''man fuck estraven for telling me vital information abt politics around me. now the mood is ruined'' dude what????? #he is trying to keep you from being shanked in a dark alley. bro what is wrong with you #he literally just told a room full of politicians ''if i get killed here the other aliens won't avenge me or anything :)'' #is he just bad at his job?????????‽

[ratinthevoid]

why did i believe i can ever come out to her

#i need to move out i need to move out i need to move out #i hate this #i can't do this anymore #i hate them but i feel like i'm not a loved to bc they care about me #fuck christiany and your stupid god #i was trying so hard and i can excuse a lot but what's even the point if they never understand #christianity is so evil so fucking evil it rots your brain #she tak about leftist propaganda and cults like she didn't let one control her for years #she want me to tell her stuff promises she can support me but it's simply a lie #she can only accept me if i'm the daughter she want me to be if i bend in the ways that are comfortable #just a little more but every day is so fucking hard #i know i'm gonna suffer and that i may be alone my whole life #but i prefer to be alone and suffer in a different place than be stuck here #and maybe i don't have to be alone maybe other people can have friends that actually care about them #fuck i believed for so long she won't have problem with me being aro like it's not even a sin right??? #i keep doing that i'm trying to tell them everything so they tell me what they really think and i'm not the bad person #but it doesn't matter if i'm the evil here i can accept it i was trying for so long #i know i'm difficult but maybe it can be easier for everyone if you just give up on me

[jaybren]

I Believe...Steddie

I normally don't mind angst (though I avoid drama fics in general). Miscommunication is the biggest trope in romance, so I'm all for it, but for some reason Steve x Eddie fics / drabbles where Eddie still thinks of Steve as Steve THE KING Harrington always sit weirdly for me. Sometimes, if the Upside Down didn't happen (AUs in general) or pre-UD setting, maybe -- sure, then that could work. But close to canon fics where Eddie lives and Steve legit confesses to him? Always just -- strikes me as wrong.

Finally realized why -- it's literally the antithesis of canon Eddie. Canon! Eddie is quick to acknowledge Steve has changed. He literally runs up to him in the Upside Down while a bunch of madness is happening and where he has every right to be consumed by his own shit-tastic situation, but instead, he's telling Steve how he is a great guy and has changed.

Can Eddie be bitchy and prejudice? Yes.

Does Eddie have grudges against jocks / the popular crowd? Yes.

But he also goes full on bowing gentlemen for cheerleaders (going out of his way to help Chrissy and make her smile) and he's quick to acknowledge Steve's not that same popular AH anymore.

With Steve's bitchiness not aimed at him, Eddie would be eating his Honeycomb and snickering when old habits popped back up, and maybe he'd feel conflicted about jocky Steve, complaining about going to games or something until somebody smacked some sense into him. Totally believe tension and disbelief about one liking the other or some bias about things, but I just can't see Steve proclaiming his love or whatever and Eddie assuming it is a trap or trick or prank or something.

Maybe he'd think Steve was confused. Maybe he'd assume they were doomed, but I can't see him blaming Steve for that or blowing up their relationship IF Eddie accepted the confession and they started dating. Eddie's way more down on himself.

If someone can explain how it makes sense, please do. I'd love to enjoy all Steddie tropes, and that one seems popular lately, but where my brain sees so many problems with them getting to the confession point or even a number of big arguments that could happen afterward due to outside aspects, those two strike me as highly tactile, highly clingy romantics who would be convinced they were the height of discrete while practically fused, constantly touching and being snide little judgy dudes together.

#steddie #Steve x Eddie #Eddie Munson #Stranger Things #Only way Eddie doesn't see how Steve's changed is if the Upside Down doesn't exist but then Steve might not have changed #the second Steve asks him out Eddie is 100% in #won't accept anything different #Eddie is a drama king but he's the the sort to be clingy and pushy and cause problems by being too tactile and obvious in a homophobic town #which is why I 100% believe fics where Eddie and Steve fight over Steve refusing to come out or leave Hawkins #Despite also 100% believing Eddie would understand #frankly I fall for all the tropes EXCEPT Eddie not believing (in a canon compliant Upside Down having universe)that Steve has changed #where are my double date fics with Eddie and Steve taking out two girls only to get dumped because they spent more time chatting themselves #What about the fics where Eddie sets Steve up with a metalhead girl only for Steve to be like 'wow I'm super into this' #but then he realizes partway through he is 100% imaging she's Eddie #Or Steve setting up Eddie on a double date only to have a 'oh no I fucked up' moment as he realizes halfway through that he loves Eddie #Steve: Cool Eddie might score (*and it was at that moment he realizes he fucked up) I don't want Eddie to score #Give me hooking up duo who 'just like making out' and 'just aren't ready to get back out there yet' who feel pressured to do so #and they end up throwing hands over it and banging #Eddie: So...that happened. | Steve: Do you think Dustin was right? | Eddie: No way that butthead is right. | Steve: But what if he is? #Eddie: Obviously we can't tell him. | Steve: But we can still make out right? | Eddie: Fuck yeah #Give me dumb bets between guys friends inspired by Steve trying to relate to Eddie like he used to Tommy

[sherlock-is-ace]

everyday i find that an autistic trait i didn't relate to because i do the opposite, is actually also an autistic trait

#was anyone going to tell me about blank masking?! dkjfgfg #all those questions that are like ''in conversations do you monologue about your interests and won't let the other person get a word in? #even though sometimes they are not interested in what you are saying?'' #and i'm always like nah because i simply won't talk. i don't monologue BECAUSE the other person won't be interested #i will sit there and listen to someone talk about whatever the fuck they want to talk while i make an effort to seem interested #but i will not say a word myself #and if they ask me questions i will answer in the shortest most concise way possible as to not seem annoying or waste their time #and you're now telling me that's also an autistic trait?! #that's masking?! #are you fucking kidding me!?!?!? dkfjghkfdg #this is the same thing as when i found out thinking everyone hates me is also a form of not being able to read people's reactions #lol #fuck! #angel talks #personal

[shit-wcue-players-say]

BREAKING NEWS: canon character banned from own series for being "too problematic" (by the same community that also thinks visibly disabled characters(and likely people in general) need to be censored or otherwise hidden because "some people think that's gross" which is a mixed signal at best. Do we care about their feelings or not)

#basically the moral of the story is wcue players fucking hate disabled people but they won't admit it #and also eventually your “activism” wraps back around into being harm if you keep going long enough #eventually any depiction at all becomes “potentially offensive to someone out there” #i generally try not to “slippery slope” things but they are basically already there in this case so i feel like i'm allowed to this time #wcue #roblox #reports channel #good lord #i'm going to die young #dislike “-kitty” users btw. not as aggravating as “exp” line breaks in bio S/H people #but close #one time me and my friend were hanging around #and someone walked up to my friend unprovoked and suggested he change his bio from “tom” to “hekitty” #because his character had pink on him and they insisted that it “fit better” #anyway that's not related i'm just being reminded of it #no i couldn't tell you why their name is offcenter either #i do know it's on purpose though and i hate it #sorry i have a lot to say about this one lmfao #remember this game is officially endorsed by the warrior cats team. Surely they cant possibly know what kind of shit goes on in there #if they did i think they'd shit their pants

[robotpussy]

this white woman is threatening to call the police on me after she fucking sprayed bathroom cleaner in my fucking face and lashed out and told her to fuck off

#i know she wont call the police because wtf are they gonna do? im not at home in literally going to class #and i wont get home until the evening but the fact that she's threatening me because she wanted me #to lash out is so evil im manifesting her death idgaf anymore!!! #incase ppl are wondering she was outside spraying the door for a hour and im like im not walking past her #incase she says i did something to her. but then im like nah im gonna be late if i dont leave now #incase she says i did something to her. so i close the door but because she has the front door open my door slams #so she screams 'dont slam the door' and im like it only slammed because of the wind #and then im waiting for her to move and she won't so i just tell her i need to get past and she's like fuck off you piece of shit #and i just get riled up like don't fucking talk to me all i did was tell you i need to get past but you called me names #so im gonna do it back cause im not letting that slide. and she fucking sprays the cleaner at me #and then when im like what the fuck is your problem shes like i can get you arrested for being violent #and im like.... call them cause i haven't touched you 🤷🏾‍♀️ shes been dying to say that to me i know it #that low life penny smelling pile of white flesh will get whats coming to her i say she drop dead soon! #the reason why she was claiming i was being violent was because i kicked the air as a reflex response.... #i didnt kick her. i kicked the air but shes going to run with that

[opens-up-4-nobody]

The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.

#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there #im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold #at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire #theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade #of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about #the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc #its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a #metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm #just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long #sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone #its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it #everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much #damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i #collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells #me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my #wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im #excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it #feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun #is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's #what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy #but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire #unrelated #hm i should maybe add a tw to this #tw self injury #but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life #but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it