#CAN I EVER BE HAPPY. APPARENTLY NOT.

[damianbugs]

just finished reading "The Last Son of Krypton" and literally sobbing heaving crying throwing up about chris kent. absolutely distraught. clark trying his hardest to make chris stay and chris being happy he got to meet robin and he just wants to be a hero like kal has shown him to be and

and then he.

literally carving my heart out and throwing it into the ocean i will never know peace ever again.

#CAN I EVER BE HAPPY. APPARENTLY NOT. #obsessed with father clark kent but like with the randomest kids #anyone want to hear about my cass and clark wip no okay #or my clark and billy wip which i started. fifteen minutes ago. #OR MY SOON TO EXIST CHRIS AND CLARK FIX IT FIC #somebody sedate me. #chris kent #clark kent

[ikis]

“cpr so intense it cracked my ribs”

hiyori, you’re almost a doctor. you should know CPR results in cracked ribs over 70% of the time. girl. you got normal CPR.

i know adachitoka wanted to give yatori fans a Moment ™ and chose to do a dramatic kiss of life, but i can’t get over yukine taking her away from the EMTs with better equipment so yato could give her worse CPR for that to happen.

the ending was a happy one, but i refuse to get over this incredibly small and stupid detail

#it was a happy ending but not a good ending honestly #noragami #yatori #the evidence of adachitoka’s struggles have been very apparent in the art and pacing ever since the hiatus ended #and i’m very happy they worked through it all to deliver an ending to the fans #but i’m even happier now that they can rest and recover #i haven’t used this blog in months because i stopped being invested in noragami #but i had to come back for the cpr thing #post

[darehearts]

me seeing how dead my dash is  :  i stopped CPR,  after all,  it's no use.  the spirit was gone,  we would never come to 🎶

#KJSDFKJSFJSF GET IT??? i am honestly a comedian tho #idk a good one or not! good morning beloveds! i really feel #like i need to follow more blogs and maybe do a clean up bc #i can easily scroll back to the previous day so easily lately?! #idk i am happy with my mutuals but the rpc just feels so!!!! #judgmental and no one ever follows first anymore and i feel #kinda stupid always doing it first lmao. it's tricky nowadays #esp bc promos also have no functional use besides just #looking pretty on the dash 💀 i am all for the mentality of #'be the interactive person you wanna see on your dash' yeah #but if majority dont do the same and take initiative once a #while. not even always. onec a while you cant save the rpc #by yourself you know what i mean? wow i am very ranty this #morning apparently oops #tbd #vent tw #rant tw

[thefirstknife]

Some important stuff in regards to the harassment of developers came from Bungie today. They won a lawsuit against a guy who repeatedly harassed a community manager and his family (not fully confirmed in the official document, but people are fairly certain this is about A_dmg and his family). This is a twitter thread from the lawyer who went into some details about the situation. The court document is also available to read (featuring some of the horrific harassment tactics that were motivated by racism and also used racism as part of the harassment so be advised if you want to read).

This isn't just a win for the individual community manager and Bungie, but also has potential to set a bigger precedent in the future. It's basically the first time this has been done to this extent and some ruling in this case made it clear that companies can pursue this sort of legal action in the future if their employees are harassed and threatened. This is HUGE because the protection of employees in the gaming industry has been abysmal otherwise. This case will allow for the company to file a lawsuit on behalf of their employees in cases of harassment.

Before I add some of the more heinous stuff about this situation below, I want to say that the majority of reactions to this are positive. People are happy that this happened as it did and a lot of people are excited about potential big influence this will have in the future to combatting harassment of this type in the gaming industry.

Extra details and thoughts below (racism tw):

This started because the community manager highlighted a black content creator, Uhmayyze, who is himself a victim of harassment more often than not (usually of racist nature). He is most often harassed because he is unapologetically positive for which people have continuously sent him awful shit and comments. Because he enjoys the game and isn't jumping on the hate train. Just recently he commended Bungie for a ban wave and had hundreds of people hound him on twitter for his comment, including Gladd who started it by specifically replying to Uhmayyze and putting him on blast (warning for a lot of gross comments, including photoshopped screenshots of fake discord texts to make Uhmayyze look bigoted, nsfw images, r slur, suicide baiting and so on). This is important because the incident of real life harassment was fuelled over a community manager highlighting a content creator that is himself being harassed and despised online for the crime of... being positive. And you know, for being black. This situation isn't an isolated incident. The community, including other content creators, are absolutely horrible towards this one person that they feel, I guess, does not follow the content creator NPC questline of hating Bungie and Destiny.

So of course, at some point, someone from that crowd will feel confident and justified taking things further. How dare Bungie promote this person they hate. How dare they focus on a positive creator. They're clearly biased and don't want to listen to criticism, only to "toxic positivity" streamer. How dare a community manager highlight this creator. It's a personal slight to them, and "proof" that Bungie is bad and evil and "ignoring criticism." There's someone out there (and probably not the only one) that hates this creator and the game so much they were willing to harass and threaten a community manager and his family in real life.

The community manager was first harassed by phone with text messages and voice mails featuring racist bile, including apparently a voice mail telling him to "convince Bungie to create options in its game in which only persons of color would be killed." This is the worst part for me and super concerning in general, as well as showing the dedication of this person to racism, motivated by his hatred of a black creator (which also, by proxy, technically makes the streamer being harassed as well). Absolutely ghoulish behaviour.

This escalated to also harassing the CM's wife and resulted in doxing them; the harasser somehow found their address. Most of the reports on this will say that the asshole "sent them pizza" which doesn't truly capture how horrific the incident was. First, it's a random guy who has your address which is concerning enough given that he harasses you by phone already. Apparently the pizza was made to be "inedible" and the delivery was instructed to bang loudly on the door upon arrival to maximise discomfort. The order was also deliberately made to be paid on delivery to create as much pain for the victims as possible. The harasser also kept track of the delivery and then called the family again when it was done to tell them to "enjoy the pizza." The family immediately contacted Bungie who contacted the police and provided the family with protection. There's no telling how this would've escalated had they not been in the position to call Bungie and had Bungie not reacted to them asking for help. It's absolutely crucial here that Bungie is the type of a company willing to immediately assist in this situation.

Immediately following that, Bungie organised a long and expensive manhunt to identify the harasser and bring them court. That's where most of the expenses went; finding the culprit and protecting the employee and his family. This is the money Bungie earned back by this court decision because they could prove that the expenses were caused by a person harassing and threatening their employee.

This is a big win overall for the whole industry. It's Bungie setting a precedent on how a company should protect its employees. No matter what people think about Bungie or big corporations or whatever, this is how you can use a lot of money and power to make sure that your workers have rights to decency and safety. That's huge for the rights of workers and worker protections. I hope it becomes a standard and that any future harassment is prevented altogether or at least punished accordingly.

Naturally, the commentary on the news from a big part of the community is super positive. Unfortunately, there's also a part of the community that has a lot of really awful shit to say about this. The comments on twitter are littered with people who are using THIS specific moment to yell about Bungie being a greedy corporation, how the money they won should be used to "fix the servers" and "make more pvp maps" or how Bungie will greedily put this money "into Eververse" or "into Marathon." There's comments about how time was uselessly spent protecting an employee who should expect harassment anyway, instead of working on "fixing the game."

This is what I mean when I talk about how impossible it is in the current situation to have a meaningful discussion about any sort of criticism or feedback. There's thousands of comments from people who think that this specific instance shows how Bungie is greedy. This is what I mean when I say that none of these people actually understand what they're talking about. You can't make proper criticism when you can't separate game development with a company's legal effort to stop an escalating harassment campaign of an employee. The majority of gamers are simply not fit to offer any criticism or feedback. The idea that we all have something useful to say and that employees at Bungie are obliged to give us their time of the day is simply incorrect.

I genuinely 100% stand by the claim that the recent barrage of content creators promoting the idea that Bungie is "the greediest company in the world that's scamming players and increasing costs out of greed" as well as the idea that Bungie is "abandoning Destiny for Marathon, isn't working on the game anymore and is deliberately ruining it" is the reason for these comments existing. If a big streamer said that Bungie is getting too much money but also not doing anything "good" with it, then any money that Bungie receives (including compensation for expenses they took to protect an employee from active harm) is a result of greed. The nuance of any situation is lost; when you only learn the mantra of "company has money therefore company bad" you WILL end up causing harm for people and you will most definitely not be an advocate of workers rights. That's where we're at right now.

The dehumanisation of people who work at Bungie (and the harassment itself) is a consequence of this crap and other similar crap that's been thrown into the ether for the past year, disguised as "we're just offering feedback." People heard that Bungie is a "microtransaction hell" and that Bungie is only investing in Eververse and Marathon and they feel like this story reflects that; they feel like an employee being harassed is not deserving of proper condemnation and that this isn't important enough and that Bungie is a greedy corpo anyway so who cares about that. They do not understand how companies work, how games are made, the state of the industry as a whole (or the world as a whole), the treatment of employees or workers' rights, and you cannot meaningfully critique a company's business practices without understanding that. And they don't because they think that legal expenses used to protect victims, finding a culprit and bringing their ass to court is money that is being used for game development and that Bungie receiving this money should result in... new pvp maps or "fixed servers."

And there's even seemingly good commentary where people recognise how this is good, but they initiate the comment with "As much as I hate Bungie and Destiny and I think they're awful and greedy and destroying gaming as a whole..." : that's not the time and place. You don't have to excuse your support of a big win for potential new employee protection policies just because those policies are done by a company. Of course it is. Companies are the only ones capable of pursuing this sort of legal action. It's one good way a big company can put their power and money into a good place to actually help people and bring forth positive change. And like, you don't have to tell us how much you despise Bungie before you're "allowed" to admit that this is good news. Sometimes companies do good stuff. It's literally not that complicated.

I hope that this situation will help other employees demand the same protection, that other companies will follow suit and that this will also make potential other harassers rethink whether or not they will engage in this or similar type of behaviour. In the meantime, know that the community is largely positive about this, but that there are still absolutely detestable human beings who should feel ashamed of their reaction to this. They shouldn't feel welcome here. And there's still people doing this to the devs and I hope Bungie takes their asses to court too.

#destiny 2 #bungie #long post #this was a lot and i'm glad it had a happy ending #reading some of the comments unfortunately added to my depression tenfold #as usual the best thing to do if you feel strongly against a content creator or a video game is to leave #simply leaving would've stopped this whole thing #it's why that's my go to response to people who feel super strongly about how bungie is the worst #bro if bungie is the worst thing ever then your feedback will NOT change shit and you gotta go do something else #like if you still enjoy the game and have some criticism that's fine! i do too! #but if your entire online personality is criticism of bungie you gotta rethink your priorities #before you turn into this guy who will owe bungie 500k until the rest of his life #especially if you're a creator with a reach of tens of thousands of people or more. you gotta be careful with what you say #because your words WILL entice this behaviour. there is someone in your audience who will go too far #anyway. wanted this off my chest this whole situation has been super fucked up #and the brunt of it started around the time criticism started getting really bad last year #end of haunted-start of plunder + lightfall showcase which had massive harassment of trans employees online #we have not known peace since then and neither have bungie employees apparently #genuinely disheartening that people can act this way about a video game

[verflares]

this all being said about the light dragon and how it is definitely the biggest highlight of totk (for me at least), i Do think a lot of the reaction to it Is dependent on botw and zelda's characterisation from that game... a lot of which is kind of lacking in totk because of her more passive role (e.g. you are told about her + see her actions after they have already happened)

like. if you didn't already really like zelda and were sold on her relationship with link (and not even just from a shipping zelink perspective, like. just UNDERSTANDING they have a strong bond from everything they've gone through together) then i'm not sure if any of that stuff in totk would've hit as hard as it did. the game does very little to build on what we already know about them, which i think is both a letdown to new players (which. i am not sure why they are playing the sequel before botw, but that is how totk acts most of the time lmao) and returning ones, and as time goes on it's become harder for me to blame people for not caring for it as much.

what a truly odd game

#which also makes it bizarre that totk treats itself like its Not a sequel. even though it is at the same time #ugh the names are escaping me but i am pretty sure this is a thing thats happened in other Sequel games too #just acting like the first one never happened or only when its convenient. stuff like that #i would loveeee to know how bad covid hit totks plot development or whatever. if anything. else they may have been planning #theyve gone on record saying that apparently the plan was for zelda to Always have turned into a dragon #and assumedly the beginning/ending parallel as well (eg hands and link catching her) #but i have to assume or at least HOPE that the buildup may have been stronger. idk man its so strange truly #ANYWAY SORRY FOR RAMBLING but i do find this discussion intriguing. and i LIKED totk even despite my criticisms #its genuinely some of the most fun ive had in a video game ever and creating content for it and talking about it has made me very happy #this being said. there are some choices that were made and i do not and likely will not ever understand them #because they said nah we're done now. bye <3 #like oh okay. thank you aonuma. can i at least have wind waker on switch now please #personal.txt

[oddberryshortcake]

I cannot emphasize how much I love both Jamil and Kalim

Both of their struggles are equally tragic in very different ways

The biggest difference between them is Kalim's happiness is more valued than Jamil's (and Kalim as a person is more valuable than Jamil) but no one is actively doing anything to stop the constant threats on his life

Meanwhile Jamil has so much talent and dreams that are just out of reach and only one person can give him the freedom to pursue them (Kalim) at the expense of being left alone without the constant companionship and protection Jamil had been giving him.

But neither of them asked for their lives to be encompassed by incredible wealth and fame, servitude and greed.

And I'm sure under different circumstances their relationship could've been naturally formed instead of being shoved together from the moment they were born.

If Jamil had his freedom and Kalim had independence, then maybe they could come back together as friends rather than being an heir to a great fortune and the servant assigned to him.

#this is exactly why I wrote The Worthy Heir so things would actually work out for them #I know there's this thing where apparently no one who likes one of them ever likes the other and I'm here having always liked both #I just like tragedy okay but I also like when that tragedy can get a happy ending #twst #twst wonderland #jamil viper #kalim al asim

[livingdeadvamp]

Idk why everyone is mad at op they kinda have a point?? They never said they vented 24/7 without asking for permission, just that they don't wanna hold back problems for the sake of making others happy. Like if you can't do that then that's fine but it doesn't make them a bad person, it just means you're not compatible as friends

#tbh if you refuse to EVER hear a friend's problem then you're just as bad as people who do vent constantly without permission #maybe its just me but how can you ever become truly close to someone if you only wanna see them when theyre good and happy #like. people are complex. theyre good and bad. you cant just turn a blind eye to the sides of people you dont like #i could go on about like toxic self care and how its kinda making people think ''anything that makes me uncomfortable is bad'' #but ive probably said enough lmao #anyway. theres a difference between venting and using someone as a therapist #and its kinda sad to see how many people apparently DONT think that #rant over!

[chloelouygo]

We are coming into the year of the dragon and this is wonderful for every single yugioh fan, except me, who is the only person in the entire world apparently who doesn't like dragons 🥲

#i just dont get it !!! #like they're just mid !!! #theyre like... alright at best ?? #and i hate that i am the ONLY person to feel this way #i feel like i have to defend myself soo hard because it feels so controversial to ever admit #like i feel actual GUILT and SHAME over this #i fear people will unfollow me for this #even though it's literally just a preference for what animal i like or dont like #like if someone just isnt into horses you dont get a mob of people booing them and trying to tell them why theyre wrong #but i feel like ive had that with dragons ?? #idk its like when someone says theyre lesbian and your family are like hey have you met Derek derek is amazing you've not met a derek before #people be like og you dont like dragons have you just tried X francise ? youll love it trust #like NO!! i just want to be respected for what is apparently the weirdest and least common thing in tue whole world to not fuck with #i feel very invalid if im honest #especially as a ygo fan where so mych of everything is dragons #i dont even like the duels im literally here for the characters #im not a monster girlie 😭 #i have said ky oeace im sorry for the vent #happy year of the dragon to those who celebrate but i will be mourning the year of the rabbit for the next 11 years #whew vent over yall can hate me and unfollow me now 😔😥 #im so sorry

[snekdood]

ive been disillusioned with a lot of the left for a while, it's nice to at least see that other ppl see it now, though the reason why kinda fucking sucks.

#i used to think i could trust ppl bc of pride flags in their profile or them being trans or whatever #and then i put allll of my trust in that community not realizing theres a Multitudes of types of ppl in it #aside from even the fact some trans ppl can be nazis- some trans people- as much as it might make us look bad to admit- #are also predators and abusers and want to lie to you and use you for money and sexually abuse you and dump you like trash #and then accuse you of doing everything they did @u@;; ask me how i know! #so on the one hand im happy ppl see it now- it's not that leftists or queer ppl or feminists are better ppl- ppl more worthy to trust- #they're just as diverse and as good and as shitty as any other demographic of people. #you're gonna find shitty people everywhere. obviously you're more likely to find predators on the right but that doesnt mean theres not #plenty on the left too. #at a certain point calling yourself 'on the left' doesnt mean much aside from idk. thinking ppl need basic human rights? #and even then its apparent that some leftists dont think that. so who can say. maybe you wont misgender me? but nah- you will #if i disagree w you or if we get in a fight- i've seen plenty of leftists do this. #i just think the term is useless now. #i think the left is about to fracture into different groups at this point #anyways be weary traveler of ever putting all of ye trust into any group of people. #its possible to like ppl and enjoy being around them and still not fully trust them. and if something tells you to gtfo? you should #also putting all your trust in a group of ppl is a one way ticket into possibly joining a cult on accident #or at the very least a culty friendgroup

[corset]

You know it sucks because I don’t think I experience emotions and feelings and such the way people are expected or “supposed” to experience them? Like I just feel so disconnected from it all. It’s very impersonal to me I guess? Or it takes me longer to process an emotion even happens because it has to take like 2-3 business days equivalent of brain time to actually comprehend. Like the emotion is passing through some layers first to get from point A to B and by the time it gets to B it’s just whatever.

#This goes for everything from happiness to sadness to anger to love even. Or attachment or whatever. Just very weird to me how little I can #relate to others on this kind of thing. People describe how their emotions physically feel to them too and apparently that shit is supposed #to be kind of different or something but it all just feels like one feeling but slightly faster sometimes? #Like I just have one or two feelings ever #I say it sucks because I still haven’t gotten over my whole ‘there is something fundamentally wrong with me’ thing #Like I’m still kind of unlearning the idea that’s been planted in my head that I’m unloveable if I can’t ‘be normal’ and ‘relatable’

[aldcaldos]

FORMER BAKKERS

“Trin: I think grandma's heart would break if she saw how quickly her successors went through the family's supplies and tore up contracts and agreements with other clans. And the idea to join Snake Nation? We might as well have asked Raffen Shiv to line us up on the dirt and execute us. What's the difference? That was the true end of the family. That's why I, Ossian, Lil Elam, Afshin, Persia and others decided to leave. S.W.: Do you still keep in touch? Trin: No.”

ft. (in order) Vera “V” De Soto, Ossian “Oz” Mercer, Cairo (pronounced kay-ro) Bohannon, Samara Keene, Trin Bakker, “Lil Elam” Stillwater, Afshin Madani, Persia Theler, Harlo Stroud, and Bodhi Heflin

#cyberpunk 2077 #cp2077 #cp2077edit #cyberpunk2077edit #this has been in the works for close to a year #just kept putting it off because i'm picky about faces #and apparently even more so about last names #i never want to decide this many surnames ever again #also check me sneakily getting away with the fact that i haven't updated ozzie's tattoos in forever #doesn't matter because you can't even see them #also DO NOT check me giving 80 percent of them dark hair and dark eyes #i can do what i want and what i want is to be boring #fun fact: oz has all of their names and some others in binary code tattooed on his ribs #says he's not a family guy after he leaves but is in fact a liar on top of being cute #alexa play this is the moment from the jekyll and hyde musical #never been so happy to finish a gifset

[vio1315]

Watching this guy a bit, and his take on the idea of 'dopamine detox' seems a lot more sustainable for people who were interested in trying that out

#Vio's Personal #By some of his vid titles I can tell I don't agree with him on everything- however #I still think he's able to explain some stuff in neuroscience? etc that's really cool and useful #There's a chance this kind of thing might help with my emotional numbness so I want to try it at some point #But probably when the weather is good so I can spend a lot of time outside #Apparently it can also help with being stuck in 'I know I should x but I can't make myself' outside of ADHD #(idk if he ever claims it'd be helpful to ADHD peeps or not) #But for peeps like me who acquired ADHD symptoms as adults? Maybe so jknejkrhn #I just wanted to link cuz I know dopamine detox shows up in a lot of YT recs but this version of it actually seems to be targeting #a specific problem and not just 'no happiness... away with you' #So for peeps already interested this might be a good thing to see kjrfnejkrhn #Youtube

[aria0fgold]

Honestly my headcanoning for The Cursing of Chateau Castle lore continues cooking in my brain like I got more for it but it's all in the microwave for now. Like I got a whole ass storyline for Pierre and Lady Irene. With how hardcore hc-ing I am bout these characters, it makes it seem like they're my OCs but no they're like-- my half-children I think? isat is the other parent of course. I got nothing else to go off of in regards to the chateau trio but the small crumbs and a dream.

#aria rants #like bout pierre's home life being The Worst ever. and like the internal monologue he'd have after sacrificing their castle #imagine going through all that ordeal. joining the supposed ''heroes' party'' and then betraying The Hero aka josephandre #all for your own family to recognize you as being worthy of being a part of the family. so that you can be recognized as a noble #but in the end it wasnt enough. he wasnt happy. in the end pierre was happiest with josephandre and the others so he #went around. turned their back on the ppl he has spent majority of their life proving their own worth to go back and save #the first genuine friend he ever had in ages and the cost of that being the very castle they wanted to be a part of #so in the end. he never got to actually be called ''lord'' he didnt have a place in the family. he lost the castle #but thats fine anyway cuz he found a home with josephandre and the others BUT THEN!!! he apparently got into a near-death #experience like how horrible is that??? to have your title stripped away from you from birth and then abandon the #one chance and opportunity to have that title for the sake of saving your friend and realizing that it'd be better to just be #with them instead but before that moment can even sink in well enough-- YOU'RE NOW ON THE EDGE OF DEATH! #yea pierre is turning out to be my fave character from like-- that mentions of them betraying the party and then #sacrificing their own castle to save josephandre and then the fate of them possibly dying near the end of the series #like that guy went THROUGH IT. not as much as josephandre but he really did just went through it and im like-- out here #using my brain power to the maximum in filling in the blanks cuz i got attached to 3 characters with only a name and #some information. i got some more in regards to lady irene and josephandre too btw like-- this is for you mirabelle #im spreading the cursing of chateau castle propaganda as best as i can with the crumbs im given

[todayisafridaynight]

i have to drive for like two hours tomorrow and all i can think of is old people

#snap chats #i always call them old but i never think of them when theyre ACTUALLY old.... #im lying. kinda. LISTEN I TRY TO THINK OF OLD ARASAWA BUT I JUST THINK OF DIVORCE #if you know me from kh you know two old men being divorced has not stopped me. its fueled me ever. still crying over the novel brb-- #BUT I JUST DONT HAVE TOO MUCH MATERIAL. I THINK. my brain puny. #i cant even think of anything to do WITH that tho. like sure i have an idea or two but nothing i think is worth executing #2019 the saddest year for the elderly i just think they should be happy #cant believe arakawa gave jo full custody this is so sad. jo is this what you wanted it should be but-- #tbh tho i told myself id do some comm sketches to have them ready for tomorrow #and that as a reward i could draw The Guys but im chillin with my sister and now im distracted #shes doing work and like. every five minutes she keeps saying 'this is bad' she lit just said it as i typed this LMAO #point is bro i need my fix. i just looked through the pixiv tag for them for the like. ninth time #it never updates and most of it's n/s/f/w and/or ads for doujins but still #i take what i can get dawg theyre just so funny to me. im going insane like actually its so bad tonight apparently #ok bye lemme go ACTUALLY work so i can cook my food. so to speak

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just????? #that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car) #and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language) #is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/ #i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit

[lith-myathar]

.

#so #here is the thing #when you've spent most of your life in a very happy relationship with fantasy #the idea of having a relationship in *reality* #well that may not be very happy. might result in feeling like your heart got ripped out your asshole. but even ignoring that #suddenly the amorphous idea of a partner (which can be anything) takes the shape of an actual person #which can very much only be one thing. this feels like doors closing. feels like getting trapped #part of the difficulty here is that i have difficulty not thinking in the long term (this is a defense mechanism apparently) so #even allowing the possibility of being with someone feels confining #because what if the reality is painfully disappointing (like everyone keeps telling me it will be #bc nothing can measure up to the fantasy) and then im trapped between a lifetime of disappointment and breaking somebody's heart #like. fantasy and Yearning leave one empty to a degree but they've kept me *alive* #and how could the reality ever have that same emotional high while also being Safe and in control #also it doesn't hurt anybody #my over the top desire for intensity feels like something nobody's ever going to want to match. too big. too much. unhealthy prolly #even if they did it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing #so. better maybe to quarantine myself to fantasy. #the Rewards of Being Loved tho. i want those. #realistic and rational part of me knows that Those are the Real Good Healthy Thing that will help the pain #but damn if im not attached to my little pet torments #what if i don't want to be healed? does suffering and trauma just sort of get you addicted to the intensity of emotion and then you're jus #chasing that forever? is anything healthy ever going to feel like Enough??? #like how do you just ask somebody ''hey do you want to crawl inside each other's rib cages and take everything way too fucking seriously #so we can attempt to maintain a perpetual state of Desire and the subsequent altered state of consciousness until we both die?'' #''but in like a chill way?'' #like that's *insane* #im insane. is there any way to have both??? #ugh. anyway. don't get crushes this sucks.