#Akatsuki Daily Texts Series

[yowyowyaoi]

Itachi’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Konan

Nobody eats until you come out and eat with us 😤

Thank you! You’re the only one who even noticed 💙

You need to do a better job of hiding that kitten lol  it pushed open your door and walked down the hallway again

Of course! You know where I keep it you don’t even have to ask 😊

I know I’ve spoken to Nagato about them he’ll handle it

You have GOT to come try this new massage chair I got it’s heaven 😌

From Deidara

Come on I was just kidding!!

Please call him off if he bites off my hand again Sasori said he won’t replace it 😔

Sharingan is not art it’s dirty cheating 

The counter is covered with plates of eggs, did you do that weird sleepwalking thing again?!

Me and Hidan and maybe Tobi. Come on take the stick out of your ass and just come with us!

I’ll paint them if you braid my hair first.

Why do you always blame me?? Hidan probably took it!

Omfg I SWEAR I meant that for Sasori!! 😳 Please please don’t show Kisame he’ll kill me 😫

From Zetsu

He’s just so emotional is that an Uchiha trait?

I can literally smell your exhaustion you need to go and rest

Yeah very cute. Be a shame if someone ate it 👀

He was doing fine. Got a lot taller. Looks a lot like you in the face.

No I’m glad you made him leave that dude freaked even ME out 😵‍💫

From “Tobi” aka Obito

Can I borrow your face cream? This mask makes my skin itch like crazy!

God stop it man are you TRYING to speed up going blind?!

Would he take your last name or would you take his? 🤔

No. Never. They think I’m a dumbass, remember?

Little more time in the sun would probably help 🤷🏻‍♂️

“Crushes” are for little kids. And anyway he hates me 😔

I thought about that yeah. Reminded me of your mom’s. She always made the best ones.

I’m not sure of anything kid. But we’re in it too far to back out.

Idk you just looked super pale

Ask Sasori to make you more, they’re helping a little 

Idc what Zetsu says. I can do a lotta shit but cannibalism isn’t one of them 🤢

You think I didn’t see you sneak in that pie? Either share or I’m telling Kisame.

From Nagato

Come and join Konan and I for tea. We’ve got a new blend we think you’ll like.

Permission granted. Just be back within three days, I’ll be sending you two on a mission then.

Thank you for the tips. My eyes feel much better now.

Take your time reading it. When you finish I’d love to discuss some of the themes with you.

I know you dislike meat but perhaps a bit more protein might help improve your stamina.

I don’t mind but do not let Kakuzu see it.

From Hidan

Movies with me and blondie?

Yeah but he’s half-animal right? Still counts, pervert.

PLEASE make the splinters in the ass joke PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU😭😭😭

If I didn’t take a piece you would have ate the whole fucking thing yourself and your stomach would burst. You’re welcome 😊

No that was definitely Deidara’s gay ass

Mask boy’s looking for you

Oh right like Kisame wouldn’t beat my ass for that 🙄 Nice try asshole

God damn it’s 3am when the FUCK do you sleep?!

We’re not “plotting” anything just come with ffs 🤦‍♂️

It was an accident and I didn’t even look that long don’t tell her she’ll slice me up with that sharp-ass paper 😖

From Kakuzu

You always being on time with your rent is most appreciated.

To be honest I don’t really know. But at this point I’m too far into my feelings for him so this is my life now. 

Getting enough sleep is important. Nagato agrees that a new mattress would be in your best interests. No arguments.

I’ve ripped off his leg and made it clear it won’t be returned until he returns your property to you.

I’ll consult with Sasori and get back to you.

Konan is insisting everyone text you to come down to eat. It’s my turn. Be advised that continued delay will result in one or more of us coming and retrieving you by force.

From Sasori

Please inform me right away if you notice any adverse side effects. I may need to change the medication or adjust the dosage.

Oh, thank you for reminding me. I wouldn’t want a repeat of last year. What sort of gift do you think I should give him?

You’re more than welcome to anytime. You know I don’t sleep.

Finding the correct body is the most difficult part. All that follows is merely routine.

He can be very sensitive. I’m still learning to decipher and appropriately react to his emotions.

May I borrow that book when you’ve finished it?

Heh. That’s actually very funny.

Try not to overdo it. Your chakra levels still haven’t recovered from the last time.

You may want to hurry back. Zetsu has been circling outside your door like an animal and trying to sniff under it. That lock may not hold.

From Kisame

You remembered your meds today right?

Did you eat?

Yeah? I bet I could work out that tension 😏

Cake is not acceptable for every meal, Itachi.

I got a new blanket, very soft. Come test it out with me 💙

I’ll talk to him about it don’t worry.

For God’s sake just TAKE A NAP!

Have fun but watch your back, I don’t trust those two.

Pretty warm out tonight. Midnight swim later? 😏

You left your necklace on my dresser

Leave it there. You’ve already got one illicit pet you don’t need a second.

I’m cooking, you’re eating. No objections.

My hands are craving being in your hair 😔

I did not eat him. Zetsu is a liar.

You got any more pics like that? Please? 👀

I 💙 you too

#itachi uchiha #texting #the akatsuki #kisaita #kisame x itachi #kisame hoshigaki #hidan #deidara #kakuzu #sasori #zetsu #nagato #konan #🦈🍡 #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series

[israelgcgq059-blog]

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Gotta Catch 'Em All

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#digimon world ds rom

[kusunokihime-a]

UNNECESSARILY DETAILED DISLIKES

PLEASE REPOST, DON’T REBLOG.

ANSWER THE QUESTIONS FOR YOUR MUSE AND TAG SOME PEOPLE.

MUSE NAME: Ryū

LEAST FAVORITE NICKNAME: When ‘unruly’ patients just call her ‘nurse’

LEAST FAVORITE COLOR: Brown

LEAST FAVORITE SEASON: Winter

LEAST FAVORITE WEATHER: Freezing rain

LEAST FAVORITE—HOT OR COLD: Of the two, cold I guess

LEAST FAVORITE HOLIDAY: Valentine’s day (cheap excuses in her opinion)

LEAST FAVORITE FOOD: Anything super spicy

LEAST FAVORITE FLAVOR: Spicy

LEAST FAVORITE DRINK: Sake

LEAST FAVORITE SCENT: Decaying flesh

LEAST FAVORITE SOUND: High-pitched ringing

LEAST FAVORITE BOOK: ...honestly no idea lol - cheap romance ones? idk

LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE: Anything unnecessarily gory

LEAST FAVORITE TV SHOW: Same as movie

LEAST FAVORITE SCHOOL SUBJECT OR AREA OF STUDY: WELL I guess you could say literally anything in the Academy because heck being a ninja lol

LEAST FAVORITE ASPECT OF THEIR JOB: Losing patients

LEAST FAVORITE FICTIONAL CHARACTER: ???

LEAST FAVORITE PERSON: DANZŌ

LEAST FAVORITE TRAIT IN OTHERS: Mean streaks

LEAST FAVORITE PLACE: >_> lowkey Konoha

LEAST FAVORITE THING TO TALK ABOUT: The past

LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEMSELVES: Her weakness

LEAST FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION: She’s yet to encounter one she doesn’t like

LEAST FAVORITE DAILY CHORE: Dusting

LEAST FAVORITE STYLE OF CLOTHING: Anything too tight

LEAST FAVORITE ACTIVITY: Speaking to family of lost patients

LEAST FAVORITE SUPERPOWER: ...uh...anything to do with death lol

LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT HUMANITY IN GENERAL: Cruelty

LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT BEING IN LOVE: Her constant paranoia that she’ll do something wrong and POOF they’ll be gone

LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT DEATH: ...all of it lmao

TAGGED BY: @cinderspewed <333

TAGGING:  @kyuuzuchiha @ascxndinggg @flakclad @frogprinceus @noharin @gentlegrace @abyssaldespair @sarcinatus @twofoxesandasnake @quiet-kunoichi @flamexroar @littlelilypetal @masterofwar @witheredblossom @snakesage @teamseven-united @younguchihasuvivorand anyone else who wanna do the thing :3

#as we scroll [ dash game ] #the shadowed light [ suigin ryū ] #*shrugs*

[yowyowyaoi]

Kisame’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Deidara

Me and Tobi found a big muddy hole full of earthworms, let’s go fishing! 😁

We finished it last night, sorry 

I was just teasing him!

Exploding or boring?

Not a tea person but thanks anyway 

LMAOOO he probably pissed himself 🤣

Pls tell Itachi I’m not gonna hurt her I just want to pet her for a while!

Leader said he’ll kill us if we do it again so no probably not 😓

You gotta use the conditioner too or else it won’t be effective 

I’ll ask him but he don’t really like places like that. Says they’re too happy 🙄

From Hidan

If you have two does that mean one sleeps while the other fucks or ?

No offense but it’s literally so boring I can’t sit still that long 

I would say he’s giving you blue balls but.

Can’t imagine giving a shit but 🤷‍♂️

Tried that once. Got the mask halfway off and suddenly felt like I was drowning. Never again.

Old bastard said no 😑

You need to watch him he takes like two bites and pushes the plate away 

How? Half of us are gay half are insane and some are both 🤣

One dick, two dicks, your dicks, BLUE dicks! Lol get it??

From Sasori

Thanks but water erodes my “skin”.

I’m done reading it, you can borrow if you like.

Please make sure he puts on sunscreen he’s too stubborn to listen to me.

Don’t really remember all that well but I believe it was ice cream.

He has to *want* treatment and so far he’s turned down every offer Kakuzu or myself has made.

They make for more appealing puppets if they have some unique physical characteristic while they’re still living.

I’ll probably marry him some day but first he has to work on not blowing himself to bits.

Oh of course. You know you don’t need to ask.

From Kakuzu

Hey I almost beat you and I’m 60+ years your senior.

Just this once … no charge. Worth it to see him freak out like that.

I’m not very well-versed in animal anatomy but I can take a look and try my best.

EVERYBODY pays. Itachi too.

Fits nice. My thanks.

This place is falling apart, if it’s not one thing it’s another.

It’s annoying but I don’t see any serious long-term effects.

From Konan

That’s so sweet, thank you ☺️ 

Write down the exact kind for me, I’ll pick it up the next time I go to the market.

He’s a sweetheart isn’t he? 🥰

I’ll take your word for it, but ducks are so cute I don’t think I could eat one.

Come to my room I have some eye drops that’ll help him.

If I let that happen no work would ever be done and they’d likely kill each other.

So many miles, with these heels it’s hard on my feet.

If you want it that rare then there’s really no point to me cooking it at all 😒

At this point the yelling has become background music.

Me on one shoulder and Itachi on the other. You big show-off 😁

From Tobi/Obito

You only beat me because Deidara distracted me!

Forty cookies isn’t even that many. Plus Itachi ate two more.

Kakuzu said to earn the money myself so I stole one of his bounties 🤷🏻‍♂️

Itches. A LOT.

Can’t stand tea but if you have any hot chocolate, yeah.

You should hang out with Zetsu more often then. Like one never-ending picnic.

He really wants to go but I don’t have a pole. You have a spare?

Yeah but he might let us get a fish-tank if YOU said you needed it, like for health or something 

Sushi? Isn’t that cannibalism?!

Fuck him AND his perfect ass. Literally and figuratively.

Don’t give me that “kid” shit, we’re like the same age!

From Zetsu

You want to split that guy’s leg with me? He was very fat, lots of good meat 😋

He’s a good man but doesn’t his dubious emotional state concern you?

It’s a lot like hearing two voices at once. Constantly. 

It’s no fun if they don’t scream a bit first. You know this.

I did the scouting; that lake about five miles up the road is both deep and fairly clean.

Let’s hide under his bed and scare him. I bet money we can get him to soil himself while crying for that damn Jashin 🤣

From Nagato

I thank you for the tea. It helped me to sleep.

Well, keep an eye on him.

The pain is worse when I stand but Sasori is working on prosthetics for me that may solve the problem.

As long as you return in time for your next mission.

Get that looked at as soon as possible. We can’t afford to have you out of commission.

I do, but she deserves so much better than myself.

I’ll speak to Kakuzu about getting you a new one.

If you two are going to do that, please keep it away from our hideouts. It disturbs Konan to hear the screaming.

From Itachi

I ate this morning. Promise.

That wasn’t Hidan’s fault, I’d forgotten to take my pill so my reflexes were slow.

Just consider it. Uchiha Kisame. Say it out loud. It’s beautiful 😌

Can you check if I left that shirt in your room?

Dei and I went there last night. The manager banned us for life because Dei set off a C3 in the men’s room. 😑

Fine. You buy the skirt I’ll “model” it for you.

Sad. Come stay with me please.

You worry too much.

That picture is for YOUR EYES ONLY. 

Aww what do you mean? Kitty loves you she’s not trying to eat you!

It’s one that Konan gave me. It’s really good you’d probably like it too.

Tea?

I didn’t *fall* in, he *pushed* me. Big difference.

Mom taught me when I was younger. I can teach you too if you want.

You’re mine too. Always ❤️

#the akatsuki #texting #kisaita #kisame x itachi #kisame hoshigaki #itachi uchiha #tobi #obito uchiha #hidan #sasori #deidara #kakuzu #zetsu #konan #nagato #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series

[yowyowyaoi]

Deidara’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Tobi:

How long do you boil water for hard boiled eggs?

How long do you boil eggs for soft boiled eggs?

Is there a thing like medium boiled eggs?

Do we have eggs?

Where are the eggs at?

Have you seen my cloak?

Have you seen my gloves?

Have you seen my sandals?

Have you seen Zetsu today?

You left your piece of pie in the refrigerator for 3 days can I eat it?

Do ladybugs have toes?

((early morning)) Do you ever think about how we’re all just wiggly spirits wearing suits made of skin and bones and teeth and hair?

From Hidan:

Fucking Kakuzu getting on my fucking nerves today!

Wanna go half on a pizza?

Ditch that mission with the puppet, it’s hot let’s go swimming.

My shampoo is half gone let me find out it was you who used it asshole!

Did u see how Uchiha limped outta the shark’s room 😏?

I accidentally took Konan’s bra from the laundry room n now I’m scared to give it back bc she’ll beat my ass like last time 😓.

From Itachi:

Did you take my face cream?

Did you take my lotion?

Did you eat my dango from the fridge?

Do you have the $20 you owe me?

Where did you put my sandals?

Are you the one who left that drawing of me and Kisame on the bathroom door?!

From Obito (using a fake number):

You’re so beautiful.

That puppet doesn’t deserve you.

I would treat you like a king.

I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you.

Every time I see your face my heart sings with joy and pain. Joy from the miracle of your existence, pain from knowing I will never have you.

What? No! Who is this “Tobi” you speak of??

From Konan:

Face masks tonight?

Made brownies you want one?

Can you come help me paint my toenails?

Did you borrow my leave in conditioner?

Quick come to my room I have some hot “tea” from Konoha !!

From Kakuzu:

Rent’s due.

You either kick in for your share of the utilities or I’m cutting your lights off tonight.

You and Hidan get your asses downstairs and clean up all this mud you tracked into the house!

Start picking up your food and drinks or I’m putting you outside. You are attracting ants. We can’t afford the bug guy again.

If I step in one more wad of clay I’m throwing it all in the trash!

Please cease your attempts to set Tobi on fire. We can’t afford hospital bills OR a lawsuit.

Fuck no. I can barely feed you little brats. A dog is out of the question!

I just got this months phone bill. STOP PLAYING ALL THOSE DAMN GAMES BRAT! That phone is for BUSINESS COMMUNICATION only!!

From Nagato: 

Where’s your mission report?

Mission report due IMMEDIATELY.

We need to talk about the grievances Tobi has brought to my attention.

Don’t lie: were you and Hidan the ones who put black hair dye into my shampoo bottle?

Stop giving our address to food delivery drivers. This is a HIDEOUT. We are supposed to be laying low.

From Zetsu:

The next time you decide to set off a bomb in a public place can you be considerate enough to ASK whether I was planning on eating any of the people first?! 

From Kisame:

Come help me scale these fish and you can have some when I cook them.

Like a double date? Sure. But only if you swear to be nice to Itachi.

No. Samehada is not a toy.

I don’t care kid, make Itachi cry again and I’m biting your head off.

Swimming?

It’s not chocolate it’s a protein shake.

From Sasori:

Already said No. Stop begging.

Dinner tonight?

You left your shirt in my room.

Stop asking me to rate your selfies. I’m a busy man. And they all look the exact same.

Only if you agree to wear a hairnet or something. I’m not spending an hour picking blonde hairs out of my sheets like last time.

Oh come on, please? You’d be the centerpiece of my entire collection!

No. Stop being lazy and write your own mission report.

I miss you. 

Did you spill juice on that puppet? It’s all sticky.

Kakuzu said No? What’d you do to piss him off?

Alright. Be safe. Love you ❤️

#deidara #texting #the akatsuki #sasodei #implied kisaita #brotp #hidan x deidara #sasori x deidara #sasori #kisame hoshigaki #itachi uchiha #tobi #obito uchiha #konan #nagato uzumaki #hidan #kakuzu #zetsu #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series

[yowyowyaoi]

Kakuzu’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Tobi

I paid already!

I didn’t break it that was Senpai!

Please Kakuzu-san come look at it, that plant made my arms so itchy 😓

If Itachi can have one why can’t I ?!

How old do YOU think I am 🤪

Don’t worry I didn’t buy it I “borrowed” it 

You don’t need to get so mad, I know how to fix it!

From Zetsu

Please inform your partner that it’s MY job to dispose of the bodies, and I don’t appreciate him interfering with my meals.

I did the scouting, he’s in that small village with the lake in the middle, house with a red roof.

You keep the money, I’m only interested in his head.

YOU try talking to her when she’s in one of her moods!

I truly appreciate your “finding” that artificial sun lamp for me. The winter should be much more bearable now.

From Konan

No more excuses. I made your favorite and you WILL come and eat.

Oh he did? Funny how this is the FOURTH time he’s made this “mistake” this month. 

I need a bigger budget than that. Have you not seen how much these guys eat?? 😒

All three of them? Together? Are you sure that’s wise? 

No more recruits unless absolutely necessary. Money aside I simply cannot “adjust” to one more person in this organization.

“Grandfather” is a bit exaggerated; you’re much too handsome for that, my friend 😏

Of course I appreciate the help but you did NOT have to kill him! 

Please come and join us. It’s a documentary but I know you’ll like it.

I’ve tried to be patient but I’m done asking. My next warning will be paper-cuts to their jugulars. 😡

From Sasori

Overexertion and poor nutrition isn’t doing a man your age any favors.

He said *I* started it? Tell him to watch himself before I decide to END it as well.

Boyfriends or babysitters? 😂

I finished the first two volumes, I highlighted the parts I thought you’d find most useful.

He needed it tightened so I’ll be sending him to you when you have a moment.

If you truly wanted one I could work on building one for you. It would be a version of my Hiroku.

Why would I contribute to that? I don’t eat.

From Itachi

I think I need a new prescription, everything is blurry again.

Thank you, I appreciate the advice.

You were sleeping so I slid the money under your door.

If he does it again I’m using my eyes and tormenting him for 72 hours 😡

Borrow it any time you like. I think we have the same hair type so mine should work great for you.

What meowing? 👀

It wasn’t that much blood don’t worry.

Kisame’s carrying him, I have Deidara.

Not really. It’s a spectrum, right?

Honestly? No. He’ll probably shred it with that scythe of his.

From Nagato

Did you pay the electric bill?

Did you pay the heating bill?

Did you pay the water bill?

You didn’t kill the bill collector did you ?

If they caused the damage, it comes from their checks.

If he feeds it himself I don’t mind.

The eye drops help a lot, thanks.

No we’ve discussed this. Anyone else, fine. But Konan NEVER sees a single bill. Understood?

If the punishment is within reason, yes. Don’t go overboard; remember they’re not immortal like you.

From Deidara

That wasn’t my fault, it was Tobi!!

My clay is an important part of my job so you should pay for it.

Can’t you gag him? I’m legit having nightmares over the sounds he makes 😣

It was only once and I didn’t break anything!

Can I get the money to you next week?

Hidan broke that guys arms and made him scream! THAT’S what got us caught, NOT my bombs 😡

He’s lying I wasn’t even in the room!

Please can you tighten the stitching? Sasori won’t do it because he’s mad I was “reckless”.

Can you just come help me pick one out? I have no idea what kind of medical books he likes.

I swear I’ll fix it before she notices, pls don’t tell her she hits so hard 😢

From Kisame

You wanna do the weights or the jog first?

Please make him think it was your idea. If he knows I sent him to you he’ll get upset.

You can eat it. I don’t want to insult his cooking but I truly dislike liver.

No, Samehada is trained better than that. 

We ate there last week. Itachi loved it but I’m not sure it’s Hidan’s type of place ��

From Hidan

Don’t overeat last time you got that cramp remember?

You sure didn’t seem to mind it last night …

There’s literally no point it just gets all bloody again at some point anyway right?

Wtf? No. That was completely blondie and the orange dumbass.

I’m not complaining but damn you’re a freaky old bastard aren’t you 😏🤤

Damn you just go rest. That fucking bounty can WAIT you asshole you’re gonna kill yourself 😡

Ffs Uchiha doesn’t need to come we don’t need a babysitter we’re both grown!!

Yeah but you never say No so what’s that say about YOU? 

Stop fucking with me don’t think I won’t turn this entire house inside out until I get that necklace back 😒

If I say Yes am I in more trouble or less? 🤔

If I tell her the truth she’s just gonna tear my head off and really that’s just more work for YOU.

Gay. But same 🖤

#HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAKUZU!!! #kakuzu #texting #the akatsuki #kakuhida #kakuzu x hidan #🖤🖤 #hidan #nagato #konan #deidara #tobi #zetsu #kisame hoshigaki #itachi uchiha #sasori #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series

[yowyowyaoi]

Hidan’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Deidara:

Fuck you

Where’s the money you owe me

I KNOW it was you asshole

At least mine isn’t 91!

Pizza or Chinese?

No bc if you killed him Leader would just blame ME.

Help me prank Itachi and I’ll give you half my next check 

Scared of a little gengetsu? Pussy

Go smell Tobi’s hair then ask me who took your damn cheap-ass shampoo 

Why would you eat it it HAD MY NAME ON THE LABEL bastard!

Ok but can ya’ll go to HIS room once in a while?? I don’t need to be kept up all night!!

From Kisame

Do that to Itachi again and I’ll eviscerate you and floss with your intestines.

That Jashin voodoo crap doesn’t scare me kid

Why the hell would you eat that?! You don’t even LIKE tuna!!

You better hope you can outrun Deidara then 

I think you meant that for Kakuzu. GOD I hope you meant that for Kakuzu.

From Zetsu

You left that guy outside can I eat him?

Are you done with that body yet?

Believe it or not fear actually seasons the meat 

Weird question but can I lick your scythe before you clean it 👀

From Konan

Lol pretty sure his are bigger than mine kid

He’s not that old he just looks like that 

Leftover ribs in fridge for you 

Pls stop harassing him. He blows up my phone for hours complaining about you 😒

Get back down here and clean all this blood you trailed in! I JUST cleaned the floor!! 😤

Dinner. Last warning.

Me and Deidara going to get manicures, you in?

You think I can’t knock you out just because you’re taller? Challenge accepted.

From Sasori

I’m not a pervert he’s 19 he’s an ADULT.

Best friend? Since when??

That medicine won’t take effect if you don’t LAY DOWN and GO TO SLEEP, brat.

For as fascinated as you seem to be with my anatomy you’d think YOU were the one sleeping with me, not Dei 🧐

If Kakuzu already said no then NO.

Next time I’m stitching that mouth shut so we can all get some peace and quiet.

Yes but I can make mine any size I want at any time. You’re stuck with what you’ve got. 

From Nagato

Because I said so.

Yes, really.

Be thankful that’s the ONLY punishment you received.

What she and I do is none of your concern, brat.

I’m sorry but you know Kakuzu has the final say in all financial matters.

You either apologize or I’m going to let Zetsu eat you.

Because you two cause too much trouble when we let you take missions together.

From Itachi

I’m not falling for that one again.

Never. Never in a thousand lifetimes.

Because it’s unsanitary!!

I know you took it I saw you wearing it yesterday.

Why were you even listening anyway? Pervert.

Only if Tobi comes too, I don’t trust the two of you alone.

Literally a few greens won’t kill you.

Yes you did know that!! I told everyone on the VERY FIRST DAY how allergic I am to that! 😡

Either finish your ritual or take that guy somewhere else I can’t sleep with all the screaming.

From Tobi

Of course not! We’re just friends! 

Wait do you think I might have a shot with him?! 👀

Idk I left after I saw Zetsu chewing on the guy’s foot

Is there a way to take back a picture after you send it before the other person looks at it? 

Want some cake? Want to eat myself but Konan says to share or I’m gonna die 😅

From Kakuzu

How much is it?

Did you use the coupons I gave you?

That shit is coming out of your paycheck brat

Sorry. Next time I won’t make them so tight.

Because I don’t have the patience and you’re not responsible enough.

I stg if you bring one more lawsuit against this organization 😡

My room. Now. 

Everybody gets the exact same. If you waste yours that’s your own fault.

Make me ask again and I’ll come get you and throw you over my shoulder

This is getting ridiculous how many times am I gonna have to sew it back on?!

Come see me tonight I’ll take care of it.

It was you and Deidara. I KNOW it was you and Deidara.

Maybe if you’re a good boy.

#the akatsuki #hidan #text message #kakuhida #kakuzu x hidan #implied sasodei #implied kisaita #implied tobidei #deidara #sasori #tobi #kakuzu #zetsu #konan #nagato #kisame hoshigaki #itachi uchiha #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series

[yowyowyaoi]

Tobi’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Sasori

What exactly do you expect me to say to that?

Donuts outside your door. Peace offering.

I’m sure it’s just as scared of you as you are of it.

No it’s three. THREE leaves are bad.

I’ll have Deidara give it to you but from now on if you idiots choose to keep going out without sunscreen I’m no longer treating the burn.

I noticed. But we all have secrets. That one is yours.

I’ve long forgotten the taste of food but if you think you can do a better job than Konan, by all means tell her. I’m sure she’ll take it well.

From Zetsu

What would he even be to you? Uncle? Grandpa? Great-grandpa? 

Patience, sunshine and a lottttttt of sugar.

He wouldn’t be very pleased that you’re letting one immature blonde ruin your focus this way …

No I HAD to eat him. His screaming would have attracted the enemy.

Your eyes look atrocious have you been using the drops??

Don’t kill it until I get there! They make great snacks 😋

I get that but sleep is important too kid.

Pls tell me you’re not the one who ate it all. Please. Please.

From Hidan

I mean maybe if you had a bigger dick but I’m not even sure the puppet has one at all so idk man 🤷‍♂️

Geez I wasn’t that drunk was I? 

You’ve got some balls on you bastard but fuck yes I’m in!! 😈 Funniest shit ever.

So get out of bed and come hang out. Just laying there all day ain’t helping shit.

It’s rated R but only for the sex shit. Don’t worry I know what a little bitch you are about scary movies 🙄

You snitch on me and tomorrow you wake up with your severed hand shoved up your ass 😇

Stop being such a stingy mf you don’t even like ribs asshole!

Not as weird as you think. He’s very flexible for a geezer 

No you’d be perfect for it. Nobody could read your face bc of that fucking mask!

Don’t let Konan see she’d kill both of us and then dig us up to fuck us up again 😓

From Kisame

Itachi insists I ask you to join us, so please come.

There isn’t one in your closet and even if there was, why would you send ME after it?!

God are you and Itachi related or something?! I can’t get either one of you to stop with the damn sweets!

PLEASE stop jumping on the bed I gotta get up in 3 hours I need SLEEP 😡

Stop asking me 1000 questions every time you watch the Discovery Channel 😑

From Nagato

I’m tired of speaking to you three about the same damn issues every single week. You are all grown men and I should not have to babysit you.

If I’m getting complaints from people OUTSIDE of this group? Then, yes, it is a problem.

Do as you see fit but remember your missions take precedence above all.

I’d advise you to keep in mind that he’s only 19 years old, and he already has that hair-trigger temper.

At least on this one point we can agree: white-haired “mentors” are the worst. 

What makes you think Sasori would make a good Pein-body for me? 

From Kakuzu 

You realize every cloak you tear up I’M the one hand sewing the replacement??

You Deidara Hidan all need to clean your rooms you’re making the house smell like a public toilet 😡

Only if YOU want to be the one to go out and catch the bounty to afford that.

I would suggest you stay focused on your missions. This is a serious organization, not a highschool.

I doubt that. I’m rarely surprised, brat.

Be a lot easier to treat it if you took that damn mask off and let me SEE it, kid.

Not complaining about the money but … how did you get it so fast 🤨

Konan says it was you, you say it was Itachi. Wonder what Itachi’s going to tell me.

No. And anyway you’re old enough to know that “love potions” aren’t real.

From Konan

Dinner’s ready!

You know that’s a completely inappropriate question to ask a woman, right?

Come see me later I’ll use the good shampoo and then give you a trim 😊

The other things I don’t mind but everyone is responsible for their own underwear.

Just go play with the one that Itachi absolutely does not have in his room.

Okay but FIVE SEPARATE PEOPLE came to me and told me they saw you playing with it right before it “mysteriously broke”. 😒

Not saying the muscles are impressive. But. 🫣

From Itachi

I’ve found that massaging the lids for half an hour and then resting with a cold cloth over them really helps.

I saw. I couldn’t believe how tall he’s gotten 😢

I’ll let you read it when I’m done. It helps with a lot of the overwhelming feelings.

I’m not scared at all. I just don’t want Kisame to be around to see it happen.

Honestly? I don’t trust that old man and I don’t think you should either, cousin.

A few bad teeth is probably the least of my health concerns, ha ha 🙃

Come walk with me. Give you a chance to breathe for a while.

Yeah but the thing about dreams is at some point, you’ve got to wake up. 

We’re both young and strong. Together with Sasuke we could do it. And be free.

Are you kidding? That movie would have BOTH of them pissing their pants. 🤣

No matter what he’s just going to find an excuse to fine you for it and take it out of your pay.

Ugh I tried but the way he eats everything super rare? And then licks the blood off the plate?? 🤢

From Deidara

Well you know he’s immortal so, never.

A big box of dangos and like half a cherry pie. You can have it but do NOT let me catch you eating everything at once.

We leave in 20 min. Don’t forget your pack this time.

No Kakuzu thinks Hidan did it and I’m not gonna correct him, and NEITHER ARE YOU.

That’s … pretty gay, ngl

Socks first, then shoes. Not sock shoe sock shoe. If there was a fire you’d be running out with one foot naked. Who tf raised you?!

Yeah I made it for you. I know you like turtles. And no it doesn’t explode.

I dare you to say that to him

Heyyyy you got $30 I can borrow 😅

No really DID you hide my clay?!

Me, Hidan and Uchiha. You’re coming too.

The way one loves a *friend*, yes

Did the salmon give you the shits too?? God my asshole feels like it’s melting 😫

#tobi #obito uchiha #texting #the akatsuki #deidara #sasori #hidan #kakuzu #itachi uchiha #zetsu #konan #nagato #kisame hoshigaki #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series #implied tobidei?

[yowyowyaoi]

Sasori’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Tobi/Obito

Obviously.

You can gloat all you want but the fact of the matter is you’re wrong; NOTHING is eternal. 

But can you keep it up without chakra strings? 🤔

Asleep or awake it’s all the same thing.

Go ahead and tell them. They’ll just think you’re crazy 😜 

I’ve tried but Hidan is insufferable and the only way to truly hurt Kakuzu is in his wallet.

Ok please just look at this tooth I feel like it’s throbbing out of my head 😣

Me and you? Teaming up? What a novel idea … REJECTED.

It’s not ridiculous. When you were human did you never just eat a bag of sugar?? It’s so soothing.

He said no cats or dogs. Not a thing about birds. And besides if Itachi can have 900 crows I can have a parakeet. 😤

From Zetsu

I don’t know why YOU get to keep all the best bodies every single time 😒 Your art isn’t more important as my stomach.

I licked his arm once but my goodness he had such a bitter aftertaste.

Clay and gunpowder. Sometimes aftershave.

It wasn’t me this time. Must have been an animal. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Me either! No Bowel Movement Club 🥳

I imagine it’s only the first blow that truly hurts. After that the body goes into too much shock to register the pain. 

From Nagato

Well I figured that with your expertise in puppet chakra control, my bodies wouldn’t be that much different to you.

Redhead unity ✊🏻

Let’s be real, here; Konan is the one running this thing.

I can if it’s cut into very small pieces. And drink lots of water afterwards.

At least yours wasn’t a goddamned pervert.

Clearly I can’t stop these things. All I can do is strongly advise you three use protection with them. Our organization is not equipped to care for babies.

I’ve never really had time to properly train it. I’ve never even heard that much about it before. Maybe Itachi will know.

Yes but I firmly believe we choose our families. And I chose this one. Even Hidan.

From Konan

No, thank you. I’ve learned to appreciate my flaws and live with them.

Okay once again, PLEASE read that book I got you on how to talk to women. For the love of God. 🤦‍♀️

Actually most of them make me sneeze; that’s why I started making paper ones lol 

Of course I can teach you. Why do you want to learn? So you can dance with a certain someone 😏

Yeah, preferably one that’ll give me a pick-up in the mornings.

If you use your chakra strings to make him trip down the stairs I will love you for forever.

I know you don’t eat but you should come for the conversations.

I know he’s been using mine the bottle was full 3 days ago and now it’s almost empty 😡

From Kisame

Itachi and I are traveling past there on our next mission. If you write down what herbs you need I’d be happy to pick them up for you on our way back.

I’m sorry; if I’d known you wanted to use the body I wouldn’t have chewed off the hands 😣

Well I suppose both have caffeine but to me, tea is more calming.

I understand but if it happens again, tell him I won’t be looking the other way. 

I don’t know. If he’s not sleepwalking he’s up for days at a time. I’m worn out trying to keep up 🫠

Please join us; Monopoly seems like it’d be your game.

I stayed until they wanted to do karaoke. Then I snuck out the back door.

That’s more Zetsu’s thing. I only do it if I’m really hungry.

Ah but, if you’re truly going to live forever, why not have some fun with life?

Yes I’ve noticed. Everyone has. But I’m fairly certain Deidara sees nobody but YOU in that way.

From Itachi

My thanks.

Not so bad today actually 

I would just say “ignore it” but he’ll probably throw a bomb into your face so 🤷🏻‍♂️

Well I was going to paint it yellow so it’d be more cheerful but Kisame thinks it would drive me crazy after a few weeks.

Watch the video I just sent and tell me that’s not Hidan 😂

Kisame said to ask you two. Tell Dei they have bakudan.

They just like to sit on top of them. I promise they aren’t pecking or causing any damage to the wood.

One of the funniest things I ever read. Laughed so hard I had to go to bed early because my head was pounding so hard after. But don’t tell Hidan, he’d kill me.

I’m not sure. But after I die you’re free to take one of my eyes and put it into your puppet to see.

From Hidan

No really DO you have one? 🤔

Wtf are you gonna do tho like won’t you catch on fire in the sun?!

He’s my best friend and I love him in a not gay way. So it IS my business asshole.

Thanks puppet dick, I’ll make Kakuzu pay you later. He prob won’t but 🤷🏼‍♂️

No fuck that, that cake was MINE they’re just being little bitches about it 

Damn could you be any gayer for him?

Wait, CAN you fly??

Stop being stingy puppet fuck just give me an arm that shoots fire it’ll be an early birthday present pleeeeease 

Idc get this thing out of my room it’s creeping me tf out 😒

From Kakuzu

I’ve tried but the only way I could see it legitimately working is if I sewed his mouth shut.

Oh of course. I’m always happy to spend an evening surrounded by culture.

That would be ideal but you know how sensitive Leader is about his appearance.

Yes but it’s the most expensive there. You’d be better off disguising yourself and getting it from your old village.

Honestly, at 91? I’m surprised it hasn’t turned to dust yet.

Perhaps Kisame would join us. Give us an evening away from the wives.

I know but what else could we do? He refuses to accept treatment. The only way we could “help” is slipping it into his tea.

Page 34. I wrote notes along the side of the diagram.

I would rip out all of my hearts before I let anyone, including you, spend money on something like that.

From Deidara

No but I’m pretty sure you enjoy making me beg.

Wasn’t me. And you can’t prove otherwise 😈

Your lack of appreciation for my art is truly the most horrible thing about you 😒

Well tough shit it’s MY turn to choose and that’s what we’re doing

Well yeah it’s awkward but I don’t want you worrying. I’m *yours*. I’ve made that clear.

Idc I’ll wear it every single day 😭

If Itachi or Kisame asks, me and Hidan were with you from 12-5 yesterday. Okay?

Keep sending pics like that and you’re gonna end me 🥵

Oh come on pleeeease? I’ll feed it and walk it and everything!

My bed or yours? 

Did you make it yourself?? Awww thank you Sasori 🥰

It’s not the only thing that’s tight ~ 😏

A real boyfriend wouldn’t question it he’d just bring a shoe and come kill it !

Hey at least I found BOTH arms this time!

Geez that sounds so boring. Can’t he send Kakuzu and Hidan instead?!

You know I hate that word … but yes, forever. And ever and ever and ever. 💛

#the akatsuki #texting #text message #sasori #sasodei #sasori x deidara #deidara #kakuzu #hidan #itachi uchiha #tobi #obito uchiha #nagato #konan #kisame hoshigaki #zetsu #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series

[yowyowyaoi]

Konan’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Zetsu

If I keep the bodies OUTSIDE is it a problem then??

Rather angelic-looking with the paper wings.

A 72-hour gengetsu just because he thought I was going to eat it?! Cat isn’t even my favorite meat!

Ah but you’re much more diplomatic in handling their complaints.

I’ve tried but you absolutely cannot reason with him when it comes to money.

It may be time to change hideouts soon, the two young ones have attracted too much negative attention here.

From Itachi

It was so good, thank you!

I appreciate the touch of color.

Kisame’s not here Kakuzu said he’d charge me and Deidara laughed. You are my last hope. PLEASE come and KILL THIS SPIDER 😓

Please come with I know you’d enjoy yourself.

The last time I rode on one he made it do a flip mid-air and I almost fell into the ocean. And he laughed so hard he threw up 😒

Define “too much” cake 🤔

He helped suppress the coughing but fever’s still pretty high.

I can take them in small doses. 

From Sasori

Don’t worry, an issue like that is almost child’s play to correct surgically.

You’re one of the few that I DO trust, my dear.

I’ll give it back when I decide he’s not as annoying anymore.

If I could eat I’m sure that would be delicious.

I love him more than anything but that arrogant brat can never actually KNOW how much I do.

Put a few drops in your tea, you’ll sleep like a baby.

You and Nagato should really raise the standards for whom you decide to recruit into this organization.

Please accompany me; I’m sure you’d love the wildflowers.

You either move his room down the hall or he’s becoming my next puppet.

From Kakuzu

I understand but we can’t afford it at the moment. Those three will just have to bunk together for the time being.

Thank you, my dear.

Harsh BUT it saved us hundreds.

Never anyone who didn’t fully deserve it.

Trust me, in the long run it’s a good investment.

Sasori may be better suited to treat that than myself.

I’ll speak to him about it but it’s like talking to a wall.

Purely an accident. A needed one, but still.

If they do it again I’m decapitating them both.

From Deidara

I mean I never have, but if I did, she couldn’t be anyone but YOU 💛

Omg Omg OMG I HAVE DIRT ON HIDAN YOU NEED TO HEAR!!

We were sword fighting! Shit I didn’t know that was Leader’s cane 😣

We can both make birds. Paper and clay. 

Idk I mean I kinda think that he likes me or something but I’m with Sasori so 🤷🏼‍♂️

My eyes feel fucked. I tried on Uchiha’s glasses, that bastard is BLIND af! I didn’t even think they could make lenses that strong!

Come with us fishing I swear you’ll have fun! I’ll bait your hook so you don’t gotta touch the worms 😁

I’m not sure but I bet a C3 would solve the problem.

He stuffed half a roll of toilet paper in there and flushed. He thought it’d be funny.

From Kisame

There’s no way you’re going alone. I’ll come with you.

My thanks. Samehada appreciates such treats.

Woman or not you’re quite strong aren’t you?

No need to cook mine at all. I prefer raw.

I could teach you if you wish. It’s a good skill to have.

Please join us for tea?

It’s outside your door. Thank you again.

Zetsu got to him first 😤

Itachi isn’t feeling up to it. Would you care to accompany me? The moon makes it very bright.

From Tobi

He bit me first!

Kisame ate them because he said he wanted a snack 😔

He DOES love me he just doesn’t know it yet!

Wanna see the spider I found in the garden?

I borrowed your lotion and i accidentally used it all 😓

Game night game night GAME NIGHT!!!

Blue. Like Senpai’s eyes 😌

Can I lick the spoon when it’s done?

No I saw Kakuzu kill him three days ago 

From Hidan

Yeah but my intentions were good for once!

Pls come show me how to do this I keep burning it 😓

Oh yeah I forgot … haha don’t freak out I’ll replace it 

You wanna come with? I bet you’d be great at it!

Tell him he can suck my dick, I ain’t doing that 🤷‍♂️

We’re gonna loot it, I’ll bring you back something cool!

Ngl you’d look HOT with my scythe 😍

I’ll beat that skinny twink’s ass 😤

Yeah but like he’s skin and bones that’s just kinda creepy 

I guarantee if you just listen to ONE sermon you’ll convert!

From Nagato

The prettiest thing you could ever wear is that gorgeous smile of yours ❤️

Well it’s far too late to replace them so I suppose we just have to deal.

Are you joking? Yahiko would have killed me!

Should have been a dating service and not a criminal organization, eh? 😂

Sasori said it would help ease the pain for when I’m standing.

Woke up today thinking of Chibi. I miss him 😞

No but if you come sit on my lap I bet I could make it better 😉

What about the others? Do they seem happy with it?

If I never see another drop of rain for as long as I live I’ll die a happy man.

My God how do you manage them?! I had to talk to Deidara and Hidan by myself and I thought I would kill them after the first two minutes!

I don’t care. You’re beautiful no matter what. 

Well we could always say we’ve disbanded the group, turn them loose, then hunt them for sport 😊

#konan #text message #texting #the akatsuki #nagakona #nagato x konan #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series #nagato uzumaki #deidara #sasori #kakuzu #hidan #zetsu #tobi #kisame hoshigaki #itachi uchiha

[yowyowyaoi]

Zetsu’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Nagato

You can’t keep eating them without checking to see if we’re using them first.

300 miles? Is that really the closest?!

I can put you with Tobi or Hidan. Take your pick.

Put the letters where they can find them, then stay somewhere hidden to see their reactions.

Keep an eye on them please. No explosions, no sacrifices. Nothing to draw attention.

I’ve been practicing every day. Legs feel stronger.

I’d only risk it if you also want to risk being placed in a gengetsu.

I’m sure I’ll be gone before her. All I ask is she be well taken care of. It’s all that matters.

No. Under no circumstances. I need them all ALIVE and able to work, please.

You can ask but she’ll probably hit you hard enough to REALLY split you in half.

From Kakuzu

Yes well your appetite is proving quite costly.

Find where he’s hiding and I’ll give you a third of his bounty.

I’m not so sure that “intelligence” is a quality I’d associate with any of them.

Actually if you could naturally produce that we could sell bottles and make some money 🤔

Much, much too expensive.

I don’t care if you eat him but wait until I get his heart out first.

I’d rather you ate me; my body won’t be on display for him to entertain Deidara with.

It’s complicated. And by complicated I mean I let a one time physical urge turn into a years-long relationship. 

It’s the 1st. Rent and utilities are due. 

If I didn’t we wouldn’t have *anything*. Be grateful.

I’m not sure if my threads would hold for plant-skin.

Stop losing them for God’s sake each one costs $50 in materials to make!!

I’ll take your word for it. That voice creeps me out.

From Konan

Please don’t ever do that again. Nagato almost had a heart attack. 😡

It’s funny in a shouldn’t be funny way.

Wait you’ve seen him without the mask 👀

No I don’t care if they’re annoying we don’t have the time to replace them now!!

Ask Sasori to take a look. He enjoys a challenge.

I don’t care how easy it was to get, I’m NOT cooking with that kind of “meat” 🤢

No offense but do you even have nails 🤔

I’d rather we didn’t need to pick up and move again unless absolutely necessary.

Since we were children 🥰

I’d kill anyone who tried. With my bare hands.

Kisame may be able to but the rest will need it cooked.

You’re THAT old?! 😵‍💫

Stick to guys. I will remain the only woman in this group.

Can’t you eat them? Aren’t you part Venus fly trap??

From Hidan

Freak.

Then stop watching, weirdo!

Because if you take the body before my praying is finished then the entire ritual is void!!

Not to be gay but yeah I see what he sees. 

Then steal him some damn glasses next time!

But do plants even have dicks? Like is it green? Does it smell like grass? 🤔

He’s such a liar he wanted me since the day we met 😂

I saw you eyeing that cat and so did Itachi.

How do you say “Fuck you” in plant-speak?

They’re not “pink” they’re “rose”, heathen.

Ribs without sauce is like fucking without lube. Like what’s even the point?

If I could convert even one of those fucks I’d become a High Priest for Jashin.

Can’t. Kakuzu’s “withholding my paycheck” until I pay off that bounty of his that I killed. 🙄

So come with us. Everyone’s weird you’ll fit right in.

From Sasori

Elderberry, nightshade, and primrose. For now.

A mouse learns to fear other mice before it even thinks about predators.

Please stop that you gave him nightmares last time and I couldn’t work on my puppets for a whole week 😒

I don’t care as long as it has a big enough space for a lab.

Damn blue eyes trapped me for eternity.

An interesting experiment, certainly.

I have vague memories but that’s all.

You appear to be “friends” so talk to him and tell him to back off. 

Who do you think I am? That freak Orochimaru?!

I don’t buy that stupid act for a second.

If I suggested aloe vera would you find that insulting?

You and I are the least bothersome in terms of eating. I don’t, and you hunt.

I’ll contribute when the expense is relative to me.

From Kisame

So far only Itachi knows about it but the water there is clear and beautiful.

Your way of thinking is truly fascinating.

Of course you’re welcome to join us but you’ve voiced objections before to both tea and sweets.

No, I’ll BURY him myself before I let you eat him.

Crab and shrimp. Especially crab.

I’m aware. His smell is getting weaker and his chakra is shaky.

I admire your patience for it but I don’t do so well in the sun for so long.

Again? Why?? Who attracted attention this time? 😒

I don’t but Samehada seems to.

The battlefield is empty. Care to join me at the buffet? 😋

Between the prayer rituals and the constant bombing I just can’t handle either of them.

Salt is for the weak. Pure fear flavors the meat better than any seasoning. 

From Deidara

You can’t prove that was me, that could have been anyone!

If I’m successful there won’t BE anything left of me to eat so 🤷🏼

Idk you just look gray. Maybe stand in the sun for a while?

Ok we may eat more BUT his food costs more!

Wait is it real hair or like plant stuff 🤔

I didn’t this time he was dancing and he tripped on his cloak like an idiot.

Honestly not until I met Sasori lol 

Omg where?! Riverbanks are always a goldmine of natural clay! 🤩

I get that but I’m just not interested, eternity is so boring.

Low key he goes into this voice sometimes that scares the piss out of me.

Bc it’s weird man it’d be like watching my mother shower or something 😖

Like usual he couldn’t shut up and almost got us killed on the spot 😡

Not unless you want to pick the lice out of my hair afterwards.

From Itachi

Not sure of the exact dynamics but I think it’s second or third cousins.

Maybe it’s best we all just live with our own partners. Too many in one area and eventually someone figures it out.

No he’s as gentle as possible. I just have sensitive skin.

Yes but cabbage is so versatile.

You saw him? Did he look well? 👀

The glasses help some but most everything is still a massive blur.

I tried. Nagato tried. He refuses to give up on the idea.

There is no “before” and there’s no “after0. There’s just NOW.

No I know he ate it because he had the jam smeared all over his collar.

22 doesn’t really interest me.

From Obito

The right arm still twitches if I try to lift too much.

Come on weren’t YOU happy when he died?!

He can’t turn me down forever. Just picture him with the Uchiha fan on his back 😍

Yeah well he’s still my little cousin and I still worry.

I think it scares him a little, he almost walked into a tree that first time I did it on accident.

It’s not excessive; the sugar is literally the only thing pushing me forward right now.

I would bet money that he’s the worst Sensei ever to those kids. No wonder Sasuke was so weak.

The constant money woes are so tedious.

Blind or not his reflexes are unmatched and he could still take me out in one move.

We should have put more emphasis on intelligent and less on “skills”.

You’ve gotta admit the explosions DO liven things up 🤷🏻

What if you ate him and he could still talk from inside of your stomach though? Is that a chance you want to take?

Bonus: From Madara

He stopped responding two years ago he acts like I’m dead.

What? That little shit. 😡

If the blonde is giving him too much of a distraction, dispose of him.

You don’t need to pre-chew my food I’m not a baby bird.

Have you seen my good blanket?

What happened to my slippers?

🍆 I want this. I’m craving this so bad. Please bring it to me.

Tell that boy to come back I need a good bath and a haircut.

Perhaps if you hadn’t recruited so many *brats* you wouldn’t be having such an issue.

Whatever you do, do NOT let them breed.

Did you remember where I stashed my last painting of Hashirama?

If I was younger I could have eliminated the entire group within seconds. They’d never even know what hit them.

Please procure a backscratcher and industrial grade toenail clippers.

Wait until he sleeps and move several large rocks into his room. I guarantee he’ll cry.

First that young lass, then the Hatake boy, now the blonde. He never learns his lesson does he?

What do you mean he cut it?? An Uchiha’s hair is his crown! Tell him to get back here NOW.

I should have chosen Fugaku’s son instead. Likely a lot less crying.

#texting #zetsu #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series #nagato uzumaki #konan #itachi uchiha #kisame hoshigaki #deidara #sasori #kakuzu #hidan #obito uchiha #madara uchiha

[yowyowyaoi]

Nagato’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Hidan

Ok but what pill do you take? Because there’s no way you do her naturally.

Fuck him and his money.

Did you even look at the chair? There was BLONDE hair all over it! It was DEIDARA.

Make two more bodies but make them chicks. Bouncy bouncy 🤤

Just eat it man it’s freaky that we can count every one of your fucking ribs through your shirt …

For the last time I don’t eat them, I just kill them. That’s it. Ask plant-dick!!

Yeah but won’t your bones snap or some shit if you move outta that thing?!

Pleeeeeeeaaase Leader just let me preach one sermon to them all I can convert those fucks I know it!

He PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS!! And then the old bastard blamed ME for it!!

We ALL deserve a raise!! What he gives us barely buys food for the week!

No because Lord Jashin does not consider animals to be sinners. It has to be humans or nothing.

From Itachi

No need, Kisame and I shall bring the tea to you.

If you wish but he’s likely to try and blow me up first.

One of meditation, one on healthy eating. I believe both would benefit you.

Sasori is gruff but he *helps*. His medicine *works*. If you feel awkward asking, command him.

She’s growing very quickly. Already catching mice on her own 🥰

I used to be scared but not anymore. The only thing I worry about is how it will affect Kisame.

I know what she means to you. She will be safe with us, I promise.

Don’t tell anyone yet but we’d be honored if you’d officiate for us. And I’m baking a large cake for everyone to share after.

He gets the job done but the cursing gives me an awful headache 🫤

You weren’t there so I left the dango on your table.

I don’t know if I can do a gengetsu strong enough to make him spend his money 🤔

From Kakuzu

They’re just whining. They’re fine.

The two bounties should be enough to pay our informants with some left over for base repairs.

His entire existence is a waste of money. You’d be doing everyone a favor if you just let me kill him.

For fuck’s sake, let them learn how to hunt and fish! *I* did when I was a young nin!!

I found a cheaper place. Smaller and the three idiots might have to bunk together but we’ll save a lot on utilities.

I have sewn that child’s arms back on THREE TIMES this week. Take away his clay he isn’t responsible with it!

Nothing is immortal. I’ll find a way to end him.

Your woman hits much harder than one would expect. Lesson learned.

What USE is he?! All he does is prance around after Deidara and babble nonsense! I’d bet money that if he took off that mask he’d be the highest bounty in my Bingo Book!

From Kisame

My many thanks, Leader.

Oh, apologies, that was me. I simply ate what Zetsu couldn’t finish.

If that brat even looks at Samehada again I’ll end his entire bloodline 😡

You’re looking rather pale lately. I tell Itachi to spend more time in the sun, perhaps you need to as well.

Define “dangerous” 🤔

We could carry you there. The locals swear that the lake has regenerative healing powers.

A bit more money would be nicer. Itachi sleeps better in Inns rather than camping in the cold.

He’s actually an excellent fisherman but he has to wear gloves or his hand-mouths start eating them raw.

I understand that you worry but believe me, she is more than capable of protecting herself.

I’m glad it makes him happy but I feel like she looks at me and thinks “dinner”. 😳

It’s a book about life after loss. I’m trying my best to prepare myself for the inevitable.

If he starts in on that Jashin crap again I’m taking his head and burying it where noone will ever find him.

From Sasori

Your biological limitations are what holds you back. You would benefit THE MOST from the puppet-transfer process.

You and her can find other ways to “be romantic”. But as easily compromised as your immune system is, I’d strongly advise against that. 

Pushed? What am I, a child? He FELL. I can’t be held accountable for his own clumsiness. 🤦‍♂️

The new legs should be ready no later than three days from now.

I’m happy but falling for him was very clearly a horrible lapse of judgement on my part.

Take the two red pills when you first wake up, the blue capsule before you go to bed, and the small green one with food anytime you think your heartbeat seems irregular.

Mm, well, she is very aesthetically pleasing.

I don’t mind at all. Modifying the Pein-bodies gives me a much needed mental challenge.

I’ve tried to persuade him but he’s made it clear he’s not interested in prolonging his life. I have to respect his decision.

Ah, cake. One of the few things I miss from my eating days.

From Zetsu

We scouted out the location for them. Marked out the easiest way on the map.

He calls us a freak again and we eat his head right off the shoulders. His eternity can be spent in our stomach.

Foolhardy but very amusing. His little explosions liven up such a dreary organization.

The paper dance may have been the most beautiful thing we’ve ever seen. You’re truly a lucky man.

If it helps, our share can be divided amongst the others. No need for money.

Ah but the cloak truly irritates our delicate skin. We mostly travel underground anyway, does it matter if we wear it or not?

Can’t imagine a world in which one would *willingly* be preached to like that.

We merely wanted to pet the kitten. We weren’t going to eat it. Licking it was just what a mother cat would have done!

From Deidara

He’s literally just jealous because I look better than him!

It had nothing to do with my bombs, the guy got away because Tobi was watching the ducks instead of keeping watch on him like I told him to!

Of course! I can have your face and hair looking like new in no time!

Ffs I’m not going to explode her! I’m not crazy! Please make Uchiha just let me pet her!

Technically you’re like our father. I’m the youngest so I’m your responsibility. You CAN make him marry me, you CAN make Kakuzu throw us a reception and you CAN send us on a two week honeymoon. Sasori will come around to the idea. 🙃

Come have dinner with us. Kisame made the salmon just how you like it.

I’m not doing it on purpose! He’s not even using his own thread he’s using some cheap shit he found to save money! THAT’S why they keep coming detached!! 😡

What’s your favorite animal? I’ll make it for you.

I’m not a baby he doesn’t need to monitor me!

I would have brought it home because free milk but Kakuzu would have turned him into steaks 🙄

We stopped at the park after. I’ll send you pictures she looked so pretty on the swings

From “Tobi” / Obito

I bet he would if the puppet got put through the wood chipper 😊

He needs to be reigned in, his sacrifices attract far too much attention.

I’m surprised you want to take her there, considering how much you both hate the rain.

Doing the voice puts a horrible strain my on throat. Raw honey helps.

I’ve spent my whole life not going after what I want. I’m going after him. Period. Sasori be damned.

Itachi needs to be *forced* to take the medication. He’s too valuable to lose just yet.

The old man really picked the cheapest phones possible. The reception is horrible. We’d be better off communicating through smoke signals.

Let ME cook once in a while. “Tobi” would blow these fools’ minds.

From Konan

Of course not! You silly asshole 💙

I remember. It’s about the only good memory I have from that wretched place.

Think those new legs of yours can carry you to my room? I’ve got some exercises I think would help strengthen them 😏

Don’t stress out, I’ll deal with them. They’re more scared of me anyway.

Idc what he told you, DO NOT let him turn you into a puppet 😡 If he tries it I’m throwing him in the fireplace.

I mean yeah there’s Hidan and Deidara, but all in all I think this group turned out very well.

I made you a nice dinner. And your favorite dessert 😉

Kakuzu thinks they can live in the same room?! That fool will end up spending more on repairs than it would cost to just give them their own rooms!

All he ever wanted was for us to be happy and safe. We are. We’re very much honoring his memory.

Well you never sneezed around Chibi so the kitten should be fine for you to hold.

Not when they make me gain 100 pounds per bite 😖

I need that to be the case. Very badly.

Sounds like you and I are due for a little vacation, eh?

Working on this technique where I have bombs mixed in with the regular paper. Different colors. I’ll show you later.

Friends to lovers is the perfect story, don’t you agree?

“Mediating” is almost impossible. I just shut the people fighting into a room and pray the room is still intact when I come back later 😓

I don’t care, the Pein body isn’t YOU. I prefer it natural.

It was hilarious I yelled and they all looked terrified. Pretty sure I made Hidan pee his pants 😂

#nagato uzumaki #nagakona #nagato x konan #the akatsuki #hidan #deidara #itachi uchiha #obito uchiha #tobi #sasori #kakuzu #kisame hoshigaki #konan #zetsu #texting #Akatsuki Daily Texts Series