#- again extremely self indulgent but this time im not apologizing. i love them all

[kursed-curtain]

Hear Me Out

A Kyle and Larry ficlet (and a rewrite of A Sharp Set of Hearing - a fic from one year ago~)

-=🌷=-

Kyle grew up with stories of his heritage strung to his heart - like a somber melody he could play by ear. Tales of the fae realm, of tricksters who stole from humans, and how their kind had faded away over time. The people of Daventry didn't take kindly to 'inhuman' creatures. From goblins, to fairies, and even… elves. Kyle rubbed the tip of his own pointed ears as he brushed his hair out of the way.

The only human that Kyle had told about his elven heritage was Larry.

Larry was curious about elves, and others who weren't native to his homeland, but he was also supportive of Kyle and Kyle's wish to keep his elf nature hidden. Larry helped plenty with hiding the whole thing, including double-checking that Kyle's hair covered up his ears when he was in public.

They shared stories about their lives with each other - for the more they understood each other, the better they could work together. Their differences were their strengths.

Kyle just wished others could see the same way.

-+-

Kyle and Larry couldn't remember the last time they went to a Daventry festival this lively. Ever since King Graham had been crowned, the kingdom gained a brand new splash of color to everything. The two of them were sent to patrol the festival grounds - though just because they were working didn't mean they couldn't have fun.

Often, with his high vantage point, Larry would point out an interesting looking stand, or Kyle would hear a merchant at one of the booths and make a mad dash to see what was being sold.

Eventually the two made their way across the festival towards one of Larry's favorite vendors - the sweet and pastry stand. Kyle was smiling from ear-to-ear, his heart melting a little at the sight of the handmade treats. Larry laughed, giving Kyle a quick tap on the helmet "Hey, hey, Kyle." Kyle looked up and Larry just smirked, "Let's go get some donuts."

Kyle just laughed, "Sounds like a plan!"

As the two walked away with their purchases - Kyle with his hearts and flowery fondant sprinkles, and Larry with his honey glaze donut - they saw crowds begin to form around the center stage.

"No one told me there was a performance today," Kyle muttered, "What do you think it's going to be?"

Larry leaned in and steered Kyle towards the stage, "Only one way to find out!"

Kyle stood on the tips of his toes. "What do you see up there, Larry?"

Larry squinted. "I see…"

A group of instrumentalists in gaudy outfits set up on stage. They brought drums and strings and a strange set of crystal balls held up by engraved handles.

Their lutanist strummed a note to test out the sound, and the note rang throughout the entire venue. Kyle jumped back in surprise, his ear twitching under his helmet. "When did lutes get so loud?" He groaned.

"It's not the lute, it's their crystals!" Larry pointed towards the crystal amplifiers, rippling with magic every time a note was played. Larry was enjoying himself, Kyle less so.

The rest of the band joined in, the drums and the cymbals causing Kyle to flinch. He gripped Larry's legs tighter, then closed his eyes and tried to drown out the noise with his own thoughts.

The sound simply rang through Kyle's metal helmet, enhancing the sound even more inside his armor.

Larry panicked when Kyle lurched back. "Kyle, what's going on?" All of Larry's focus was drawn away from the band and to Kyle. Kyle's knees simply buckled. Larry tried to call over the music again, "Kyle, what do you need?"

All Kyle could reply was a whimper.

Larry tapped on Kyle's shoulder, then steered Kyle towards a little recess between two buildings, far enough from the concert yet still in the festival grounds.

Kyle sat on a crate, breathing slowly. The adrenaline of the situation was still coursing through him, but he did his best to calm his nerves. Larry clambered off Kyle's shoulders and sat next to him.

"Can you help me take my helmet off?" Kyle's voice quavered.

Larry screwed Kyle's helmet off and placed it under his arm. Larry rubbed Kyle's back. "Are you alright?"

Kyle nodded, taking a deep breath in and releasing it. "Yeah. I think so. Just... a little frazzled." He laughed a little, trying to make light of the situation. "Who thought shiny rock music could get so loud?!"

Larry chuckled, "I think those were moreso metal crystals, but I'm not the geologist here!"

The two leaned into each other and laughed. Larry caressed the back of Kyle's aching ears. Kyle hummed giddily.

"Thanks Larry, I needed that." he said, feeling a bit of weight off his shoulders. "I'll be alright. But man… those crystals! How can anyone enjoy getting that close to them without going deaf?!"

"Yeah, it's like people want to not hear the concert. Very counterintuitive, if you ask me," Larry ribbed.

"Maybe they just want to feel the vibrations, or something." Kyle shrugged. "If only they knew how harmful it would be." He said, giving his ear a little rub.

Larry felt his own, rounded human ears. "Maybe it's just not as intense to them as it is to you?"

Kyle nodded "Probably," he sighed, "Another thing to add to the giant list of flaws…"

The sound of clanking metal boots approaching met Kyle's ears before it met Larry's. Kyle's ears perked up at the sound as he instinctively snatched his helmet from Larry and placed it back on. Kyle's eyes were wide, and he was looking all around now, like a mouse that just heard a housecat.

Larry's eyes darted around warily. "Kyle, what did you-"

"Ahem."

The two turned to meet the gaze of Royal Guard Number One.

"I see you two took your break without alerting anyone to cover for you."

Kyle and Larry sat up straight. "We apologize for that, sir." Kyle managed to utter.

"You could have at least taken your break somewhere closer to the concert." No.1 huffed.

Larry sighed. "We could, but it's-"

Another riff rang through the air, and Kyle winced like a dog at a dog whistle. Kyle flinched, putting his hands to his helmet. "It's… so… loud." he winced again. "I- we just… needed a spot away from humans."

"Humans?" No.1 tilted his head.

"I… I mean…" Kyle's eyes darted around in distress, looking for an excuse.

Larry chuckled a bit and turned to No1. "The music is just a little hard on Kyle's ears, is all." He shrugged, "Plus, I don't want to go deaf standing next to the stage. There needs to be new regulations on volume." Larry mentioned, hoping to throw No.1 off the scent. Larry turned to look down at Kyle, who had a relieved and thankful look on his face.

"Ah, do you need me to go find you earbuds?" No.1's tone shifted slightly, to something more sincere.

"You would really do that?" Kyle asked, hopeful.

No.1 nodded. "Anything I can do to assist. Would you like me to get you some for you too, Larry? I have plenty. That way both of you can return to work."

Larry saluted, "Of course, sir! Thanks a ton!"

No.1 turned about face and marched off, though still wondering what shenanigans those two were up to.

Kyle untensed his shoulders and he could finally relax. "Thank goodness. I thought he was gonna figure it out!" he whispered. Kyle smiled at Larry. "Thanks, Larry, for getting us out of that one."

Larry winked back at Kyle and smiled. "It's what we do." He reached his elbow across his body for Kyle to elbow bump him.

Larry leaned back, resting his head on the back wall. "Though, don't you think Number One would keep your secret safe?"

Kyle curled into himself.

"I mean," Larry rolled to look at Kyle. "He cares about the both of us; he cares about all the guards, really. Don't you think he's honorable enough to not mind?"

"I don't think it's possible for him to 'not mind' anything," Kyle mumbled, "He's firm about his traditional values. I've told you the stories, right?" Kyle looked Larry in the eyes, desperation on his face. "What if he realizes and he… I don't know, what if he discharges me?"

Larry held Kyle's hands. "Not on my watch, he won't."

The two of them turned as Number One came back with a set of earplugs. Apparently he had spares - Maybe they were for all the times the guards spent causing chaos.

Kyle grabbed a pair, removed his helmet, and put the earplugs in his ears. The relief of being able to silence that horrible noise was almost euphoric. "Wow, this is fantastic." He said, "Thank you!"

No.1 nodded. Then he stared, tilting his head again.

Kyle wondered what was up with No.1. Larry was mouthing something. Whispering, possibly. "I can't hear you, I have earplugs in!" Kyle reminded. He wiggled his ears in emphasis, then realized No.1 was staring at them… At his ears.

Kyle's face flushed clean of any color.

"Oh those are... Um... Kyle's ear warmers!" Larry tried to make an excuse. He held onto Kyle's sensitive ear tips.

Touching the tips was a particularly rude gesture for elves, but this wasn't the time for Kyle to point it out. "Yes! That's it! Ear warmers." Kyle said with a nervous smile. "We... uh... it gets cold out here, you know?" he whispered, trying to act natural, even though his breathing was shaky.

No.1 didn't respond.

"What, you've never seen someone use ear warmers before?" Larry said, nervously laughing. "What kind of guard would you be if you've never worn them on chilly nights?" He chuckled some more.

"Your ears are cold in this blazing heat…" No.1 practically pierced through every lie they told right into Kyle's soul.

Kyle gulped, his stomach turning over. He could feel his heart racing, his ears getting red and more sensitive than usual, like he was about to combust. 'Get a hold of yourself,' he thought. 'You're blowing your cover.'

Larry was definitely sweating, his eyes darting from side to side as well.

Kyle and Larry looked at each other, knowing the other was thinking the same thing - 'Should we just tell the truth?'

At the same time, Kyle and Larry nodded to each other.

"You know what?" Kyle said, "You're right. These... these aren't ear warmers after all." He said nervously. He looked at his partner. "I... I'm an elf. A half-elf." His ears twitched as he said that last part.

No.1 cleared his throat. "Well-"

Larry jumped between Kyle and No1. "Sir, I'm not allowing you to discharge Kyle."

Larry turned to Kyle with a look like 'I got you.' Kyle held a look of gratitude on his face.

The guard put his hands up. "Wait. Wait. Calm down. I'm not discharging him." He looked at Kyle. "Is it true? You're an elf?" He said the last part with disbelief, "I thought all of them were gone."

"...The kingdom had a majority of fae banished for their suspected crimes against the kingdom." No.1 continued. "I just didn't suspect you would be one."

Kyle felt a chill run down his spine. "W-well I'm not here for revenge or to carry out any crimes,"

Larry added, "Kyle's trustworthy, and a strong asset to the guards, too!"

Kyle nodded, trying to hide his reddening face at the indirect compliment. "I promise I'm here to serve the kingdom and keep it safe."

After an unreadable silence, No.1 cleared his throat. "I believe you've been a guard long enough to prove that you aren't up to anything."

Kyle and Larry let out their breaths they'd been holding. Kyle smiled, "I'm glad that's off my chest! Though," he looked to No.1, "I still want to keep this a secret from most people, just to keep safe, but I can't keep it all inside forever." Kyle stood between No.1 and Larry. "You two can be… you can be my confidants, of sorts."

Number One put a hand on Kyle's shoulder and knelt to meet Kyle's eyes. "I'll leave it up to you if you want to reveal this to any others, but just know that I will defend you against the people who oppose your kind. Mark my words."

"I really, really appreciate that." Kyle said, giving No.1 a warm smile. Kyle felt a huge weight off his shoulders. "It's been hard, keeping it a secret, but you're right - my actions so far are proof I'm here for the right reason."

Larry hugged Kyle. "No matter what you are, you're always Kyle, and the best guard I know."

Kyle laughed, "Okay, the cheese is melting, you're in cheese territory!" Larry held Kyle, giggling the entire time.

"Not to interrupt," No.1 said, with a slight smile - glad to see them happy again, "But I believe it's about time you two return to work."

Larry leaned into Kyle. "Ready to get back out there?"

Kyle grabbed Larry's hand. "Absolutely, let's get out of here." Kyle said eagerly, like his normal self again. Kyle bent down and Larry sat on his shoulders.

Kyle turned back to No.1. "Thank you so much, Number One. I really appreciate your help." Kyle shook No.1's hand. "You're amazing."

The duo put on their helmets with a clang, muffled by their earplugs, then set off to watch the concert once more.

#- WOOO #- again extremely self indulgent but this time im not apologizing. i love them all #fanfic #kyle kq #larry kq #royal guard no1 #kings quest #elf #headcanons

[sparkys-ec-corner]

Can you lease enlighten me as to why you ship Amomiche and why you love Amostia so much? Since Amostia is given very little screen time if you will and barely characterized at all it's difficult for me to see why you ship them so much and why you love Amostia so much. Or is it partially because your a hardcore Len x Miku shipper? You can ship whatever you want ofc I just am curious as to what led you to ship it and stuff. Plus I'm more of a Gumi x Gammon shipper (#NemesisxNyozeForLIFE!!!) who barely ships Miku or Len or Rin with anybody and when I do ship them it's more often Miku x Rin (I'm trash for girlxgirl ok) sooo. And yes that goes for in Evillious as well I barely ship any of the Mikus with anybody (minus Michaela x Clarith) and same goes for any of the Lens. So oof

dw!! i understand your points and im aware of how unusual it is for me to love a character like amostia and ship something so unexpected like amomiche (i already apologize since this is long,,, oops,,,)

i would be lying if i said that the fact im a diehard lenmiku shipper didnt affect my decision in bringing amomiche into existence, but it's mostly due to this specific extensive au that serves as amostia's characterization arc and the hcs involving both amostia and michelle.

as for why i love amostia, it's because i thought he was a character with a lot of potential that was shoved to the side as a simple plot device + i was incredibly salty over why amostia is the only irregular who doesnt appear in motheavenly novel at all. since ma was given some characterization that culminated in her "i'm going to destroy the universe to confirm my existence" goal at the end of the novel, i wondered, "what about the Punishment boy? doesnt he get a chance to appear since he's an irregular too? where is he?"

heck, even irregular in scap short story gets a personality, however extremely barebones and single-minded it is, and he's called a boy without an ego since he died right after being born. despite this, he still had the desire of meet his mother.

around 2018, i began writing what would be amostia's backstory because i thought he deserved one. he deserved a personality. he deserved to be cared about. i was ready from the start to be that one weirdo who likes an obscure character no one cares about (i never finished that fic, btw. my hcs changed overtime and my prose back then was kinda ew, so i deleted it)

i never intended to love him as much as i do now. i just wanted to give him a personality and a backstory, but the more i thought about what might had happened to him in lunaca labora and during his time as Punishment the weapon and what would be his personality, the more i wished him to be seen as a person rather than "the weapon nemesis used to blow up the world".

i joined an ec discord server for no other reason but to find other fans, and rather hesitantly shared my hcs of him and fanart in the channels. as i said before, i knew it was weird for me to be attached to a character no one cared about, but i nevertheless persisted on.

before i knew, i was changing everybody's perception of amostia, turning him from a simple plot device into an actual character to the eyes of the fandom.

to be honest, i still do not believe how much everything has changed all thanks to me, only because i cared enough to share what i thought of him. i didnt... expect my hcs to be received so warmly. i made him starkly different from your typical ec len — he's angry, explosive and rude; nothing like the dimwitted and enthusiastically chaotic hansel, much less like the loyal and stoic allen — but maybe the fact he was so different was why people liked him so much. he's like a bright red dot on a canvas of soft colors. im really happy that people liked and accepted my hcs, even after Outlaw & Lychgate was published.

as for amomiche, here's where the extensive au comes in — before Outlaw & Lychgate was published, i had a thought that amostia wandered around the dead world before being found by meta and pretty much adopted by her. this characterization arc of his is meant to be a "coming to age" type of story, exploring his past and making him learn how to be a better person — an actual person with dreams and purpose instead of a weapon merely to be used by others.

initially, i intended michelle to be amostia's friend since they both have a link through nemesis. they would kinda bond through that since michelle wanted to know a bit about nemesis despite amostia himself not knowing much, after amostia finding michelle lost in a snowy night and bringing her back home.

one time, i received a m/a ask in amostia askblog about "len" and "miku" being a couple for some asks. since michelle was the closest "miku" to amostia, i obviously were to bring her in. tbh i was already slightly struggling with keeping them as friends since i found them to be really sweet together and my dumb lenmiku ass bothering tf outta me, and that m/a broke me definitely. i gave in. (although i took a time to answer the m/a itself, admittedly. by the time i answered it, i was already doodling some amomiche stuff)

again, i was ready to be seen as weird, to be the only person in the entire fandom to ship them together. i never hid the fact it is a crackship. i knew i would possibly be cast out as lenmiku trash for it. regardless, i kept doodling them and talking about them simply because i liked them (hell, they stay as friends for a long time in the au before romantic feelings blossom. sue me for liking friends-to-lovers trope with a self-improvement undertone)

and then, my surprise when it was accepted by the fandom despite its status as crackship. gosh, even people who arent into evillious had doodled amomiche!! someone who was into ec actually thought it was canon!! and was saddened to discover that it wasnt because they thought it was really sweet!! and they didnt even ship lenmiku normally!! i swear this still makes me die inside, seriously 😂

so you can say it's a combination of everything that eventually brought amomiche into existence, including my own love for amostia. i dont blame anyone for being confused with it since amostia as a character is so underdeveloped in canon and amomiche is a crackship. it's okay, really. im just vibing here. im not here looking for validation for them nor am i hoping for official crumbs.

all of this is self-indulgent, simply because i want amostia to be more popular, even if slightly. amostia will never become as popular as hansel or allen, im aware, but as long as someone appreciates him as a person, then i think my job is done here. all i want is people to appreciate him. if someone comes to like amomiche too, then it also makes me extremely happy! if someone likes amostia but not amomiche, that's fine too! i don't mind different hcs. if one respects my own, then i respect theirs.

so. yeah. it might not make sense to some people, but that's basically it. i am but a humble artist doodling stuff for a character who she wants to give the happiness and the characterization he didnt get in canon. if someone likes them, then im happy!! 💖

#answered asks #amostia #amomiche #oh god i spent HOURS on this #this is a fucking essay. oh god.. whyyyyyyyyy

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

#txt #mine

[kimievii]

So recently I read The Serpent and the Lady and then Seducing The Serpent by summerofspock, and needless to say, I fell in love. These are extremely self-indulgent sims4 screenshots I took for these fics, which I highly recommend to read!

I regret the many anachronisms in these screenshots though, especially regarding the settings, because I was apparently not too lazy to edit all of Aziraphale’s outfits but too lazy to, I don’t know, download a medieval castle or something approaching the time period ;; I don’t even know if the clothings are accurate either, Im not exactly a historian so I apologize in advance regarding this, I tried my best with what I could find available for the sims 4 ;;;

I’m cutting this in two parts and, as usual, under a read-more because apparently I have no self-control and, as usual, I just take hundreds of screenshots.

Lastly, many of the following screenshots are not exactly following the fanfics but are heavily inspired by scenes from them. Sometimes I tried to re-create some of said  scenes, it’s just a bit different from what I imagined when I read regarding, again, the surroundings. (but mostly it’s just Aziraphale and Crowley kissing a lot because I play the sims to indulge myself and I just can’t get enough of them kissing over and over. What changes is the outfits, forms, haircuts ;;; )

A huge thank you to @summerofspock​ for writing these great fanfics and making my poor little heart looping in its ribcage. I think I fell in love with her Lady Aziraphale and very much felt like Alice while playing, so excited about dressing Aziraphale in many lovely dresses! 

Second part here if you’re interested in the second half

( I tried to edit some blood on Crowley’s armour in some of the first screenshots but it was way too messy and not exactly... good. I quickly gave up on doing that ;; )

#ineffable husbands #the serpent and the lady #seducing the serpent #summerofspock #aziraphale #crowley #simsazicrow #the sims 4

[eeveelutionsforequality]

Hey vape, i dunno if you have clinical anxiety specifically, but what do you do when you're feeling really anxious and it's out of control? I just had a pretty bad panic attack that lasted a few hours and I really thought I was gonna die because I felt like I couldn't breathe. My sister was around so I had an anchor this time, but what do i do when im alone? Sorry for dumping my problems on you, but you're the only person I know that would really understand my problem. Have a nice day :)

Don't feel like you have to apologize for asking for advice! You're not dumping your problems on me at all! I wouldn't say that I was okay with answering people's questions in regards to this sort of thing if I felt at all like I couldn't listen to people's problems!

I have phobias, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, and a few other conditions that have it as a symptom, and how (or even if) I deal with it sort of depends on which is causing it and what sort of anxiety it is and why I'm anxious and what the circumstances are and all sorts of things.

Firstly though, have you been checked for asthma? I know that my anxiety is one of the worst triggers for my asthma, and a panic attack leading to an asthma attack creates this cycle of panic and breathlessness that really isn't good. I'd recommend just making sure of that, if you can.

If you're having a panic attack that affects your breathing, try to remove yourself from any sources of panic (for example, if it's an annoying but not dangerous or warning noise, like a ticking clock, cover your ears or go to another room) and just focus on getting your breathing in order.

At 8:05 in this video, the Anxiety character runs over a breathing exercise with Thomas that you can repeat to get your breathing in order: https://youtu.be/wr17Kq5bmtI

Also, I do recommend that entire series: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYA7DZ_sbUzvB1l6KsO5LZV2rrk2u1xl4

While viewing parts of yourself as different, separate entities isn't necessarily good for you if taken to the extreme (in fact that can be detrimental), viewing a side of yourself as something with a more complex array of causal factors and a need for your care and compassion is actually really really helpful, and Thomas handles explaining things really tactfully (there's also quite a bit of advice scattered amidst various episodes about dealing with anxiety).

I saw a post on here about viewing your anxiety as something that's afraid and needs your love and calming, and I do try to view it somewhat like that - like, I try not to think of it as a corruption in my brain that's attacking me, but more like a part of me that's scared and that I need to care for and work to understand.

Because of my agoraphobia, being outside is really hard on my anxiety - everything in my head just becomes a fuzzy mush as soon as I step out of my front door, it's like a half-dissociated state where I feel like I'm mostly on auto-pilot because I'm too confused and stressed to really concentrate on anything that I'm doing, and sometimes I'll do really stupid things (like pick up entirely the wrong shopping) because I'm too inside my panicked thoughts to actually pay attention to what my body is doing. Other times I can get so panicked that I collapse when I'm outside.

If I'm at home alone and I get super anxious, irritable, or angry (or some combination therein) - I'll often put on really loud and really angry music, and work through the emotions in a daydream instead. Marilyn Manson has been my choice of artist over the last few days, but it varies... Combichrist, Angelspit, Aesthetic Perfection, Rammstein, Otep, Metallica, Mindless Self Indulgence, that sort of thing. I used to shut myself in this really small cupboard, but I've taken to just hiding under a duvet lately because that's way more comfortable and easier on the joints. Then I'll usually daydream about a scenario in which I can just violently beat on something to the music (zombie apocalypse, superhero battle, that sort of thing).

There's more kinds of anxiousness and more weird personal coping mechanisms that I have, but I don't particularly know how helpful those would be to talk about here, to be honest. Some of them (like the intensity of the daydreams because of MaDD, or the fact that I have DID so sometimes stress will trigger a switch) aren't so much implementable coping mechanisms as they are my brain just glitching itself into somehow working with its abysmal circuitry. Others of them (like if I'm trying to deal with the anxiousness from psychosis or intrusive thoughts) aren't always the healthiest or safest coping mechanisms.

I think if you're alone and having a panic attack, the first thing to do is to get away from any physical sources of anxiety and focus on getting your breathing back to normal. You won't die - try not to add those concerns to the already too large pile of worries.

Then, once your breathing is more steady and you can keep that up, try some grounding techniques - hugging a pet or a teddy bear, stroking the fur/material, repeating some positive affirmations ("It's going to be okay, I'm okay, I'm safe" sorts of things), and keeping your breathing steady. Counting something like beads on a bracelet can be really helpful.

If there's something that you have to deal with immediately, then get that over with as quickly as possible (for example, if there's a spider that's caused the panic attack, kill it, remove it, or cover it with a bowl/cup as quickly as you can). Then repeat any calming techniques as necessary.

If you like maths or a TV show or something, then there might be something else that you could say/do to distract and calm your mind - I sometimes do maths equations in my head if I feel an oncoming panic attack (for example, 1+1 is 2, 2+2 is 4, 4+4 is 8, 8+8 is 16, 16+16 is 32, and on and on in that pattern, because it's a progression that gets more difficult as it goes along so it eases me into being distracted), but some people might sing a song from their favourite video game, or repeat a particularly long quote that a favourite character says, or something like that.

After that, distractions can be good for a little while - watching a half an hour TV show, listening to music, playing a video game, or something that requires just enough concentration to keep you gripped but not enough to be a strain - don't rush yourself into trying to think and plan, just relax but don't give yourself space to overthink. I've also found that cleaning my teeth is good for that - I clench my jaw a lot when I'm panicking, so cleaning my teeth for a few minutes really helps with the pain that causes.

There's also learning mindfulness techniques - but that's a process, it's not something that you can necessarily just implement tomorrow. It's definitely worth researching and worth considering as a more long-term solution. Being able to neutrally observe emotions and situations, to listen to the worries in your mind non-judgmentally, and so on, can be really good for maintaining a calm state and for actually tackling some of the causes of the panic.

Similarly, talking to a professional is an important long-term solution.

A warm drink also really helps me after the panic has died down - preferably something without caffeine and with marshmallows.

I know some people who've decorated little shoeboxes with wrapping paper and filled them with calming and comforting objects - textures that help with grounding, fond memories in photograph form, cute toys or teddies, positive quotes, or whatever helps them feel good. When they're anxious, they go to the shoebox and look through it for a little while until they feel better.

Honestly though, there are times when it just kind of feels like I have to remind myself that the panic won't last forever, and wait it out, and then work on getting myself back together after it's over - if I keep trying to fight it and worrying about it, then that only adds more strain. The music really helps with that, with just kind of accepting that I'm feeling things and that I'm going to feel them for a bit, but then they're going to go away and I can get up and have a warm drink and watch some mindless TV and start to feel like myself again.

I know that some people are helped by phoning a loved one and talking it through with them - but since phone calls themselves can be a source of anxiety (they are for me, given all of my issues with my voice and speaking at all), I don't know how effective that would be for you.

I hope that there was something in there that helped! I've been awake for about twenty-two hours now, and I've barely had any sleep for the last few nights, so I'm sorry if exhaustion means that I'm not at my best lately.

~ Vape

#Mod Vaporeon #anxiety tw

[simkjrs]

chapter 6 asks that are people in distress about shinsou

SPOILERS FOR THE FIC, so it’s all under the readmore 

** before i start, i just want to say, the sheer number of people who have guessed that it’s himiko impersonating shinsou is frankly alarming and equally hilarious. thanks yall 

Anonymous said: OH MY GOD SHINSOU MY SON, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM??? HE DOESNT DESERVE THIS????? (for real, tho, that chapter was?? So good??? I'm so happy to have read this)

you’re absolutely right he doesn’t deserve this and im doing it to him anyways, which objectively proves that as an author i am not and never have been trustworthy. im sorry if i ever tricked you into thinking otherwise. im crying as well

Anonymous said: holy crap that chapter. where do i even start. i knew the kidnapping was coming up but that scene still managed to punch me in the gut. shinsou doesn't deserve this he just wanted to be a hero you guys. also the scene where izuku brought mitoki flowers was really great and i'm so happy that conversation happened. and the paintball fight? best thing i've ever laid my eyes upon. sorry this wasn't very coherent, i'm gonna go fling myself into the sun. thank you for this amazing chapter.

thank YOU for the feedback, i’m really glad you enjoyed the mitoki conversation & the paintball fight because those two scenes were the ones i was most nervous about. as for shinsou, you are very right. he doesn’t deserve this and im sorry 

Anonymous said: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! that was so intense!!!!!!!!!!!! that chapter was amazing you lied sorry ://// (izuku has a crush on shinsou and i couldnt be happier. sweethearts, the both of them.) SO MUCH HAPPENED AT ONCE IM FU KCIFNSICIAJX!!!! WHAT HAPPENED WITH SHINSOU??? MY BOY WHO THREATENED HIM. WHO HURT HIM??!?!?!!?!??!!??!?! i got so emotional all throughout this chapter i almost cried like 26 times that was wild af!!! NOW HOW DO I RECOVER FROM THIS!!!! (im so worried about shinsou. about everyone.)

hfjldksf thanks!! glad you enjoyed it!! im sorry for making you emotional. its the unintended side effects of tryin to convey izuku’s state of mind 

i know this won’t ease your suffering much but for a while i intended for chapter 7 to be from shinsou’s point of view, and it was quite literally just titled “what happened to shinsou.” this may still happen. im not sure yet. stay tuned next for,

Anonymous said: *twitch twitch twitchy twich* omg suddenly i understand those comments from your betas. like. i'm legit speechless???? why. why would you do this, you evil writer from awesome land. like i just. im in like. the all caps state of shock. that FREAKING LAST LINE AKDJKLADSLKAJDSKLJLKJ. like. *squeezes air* i dont even know where to begin???? I MEAN CLEARLY I STARTED AT THE END BUT LIKE. so much. to talk about. like. the smile bits of gaming and cats and pics then THAT KAST KUUSJDFHSKJDHFSKJDHSJDF

i bait in readers with cute fun shenanigans and then i go in for the kill 

(thank you for writing in, i’m glad you enjoyed the chapter <3 )

Anonymous said: no, but like, ur saying that chapter 6 is the worst one YET (which is a HORRIBLE LIE. this chapter was great. even if it let us all devastated afterwards. but whats a good fanfiction if it doesnt affect the reader tho heh(and your certainly is a great fanfiction. one of the greatest)) is it because of the giant clusterfuck that 7 and/or 8 is gonna be? (kamino ward, all might reveal, kidnappings+ SHINSOU) im legit worried haha ( btw "(accidental) dad might: Stealth Style" is my favorite tag now)

i cultivate my tags with pride. im glad you enjoyed that one in particular :3c and also... thank you... i was super insecure abt ch6 so it’s really nice hearing ppl liked it! i really appreciate it <3 

the next chapter(s?) are going to be a clusterfuck so you are probably wise to be legit worried. preemptive apologies. i don’t know why im doing this and im sorry also 

Anonymous said: I don't actually believe that Shinsou did it, naturally. Maybe the villains pin the blame on him cause it's easier to do it to someone that everyone is already wary about? I honestly have no idea, you're too unpredictable with some of these things

u have a good nose anon... but also when have i EVER been unpredictable about anything. my taste and storytelling is incredibly predictable in that it is always The Worst and Incredibly Self Indulgent. all you have to do to pick out the path im taking is think “what path allows simk to pander to their own interests the most?” and thats the path i’ll take. this is exactly what is happening with the entirety of this fic and especially with this next arc 

Anonymous said: is shinsou being blackmailed?? controlled by someone else?? someone stole his face?? was he used as a hostage bc he interacted with class I-A more? or is someone threatening izuku again or.. ahhh idk what it is but I really feel he is not a traitor so: my current theories about shinsou. am I close?? 

yes to all of the above 

Anonymous said: Pretty sure you didn't get many theories yet cause we are still in shock. Send help pls. (Loved the chapter btw that chapter was legit a roller-coaster of feels.)

theres no help to be found. i did this irrevocably and now theres nothing we can do about it 

(thank you! i’m really glad to hear that, and hope that you have recovered from your shock :p )

Anonymous said: thoughts on shinsou's reasons: bakugou is a abusive shit who is undeserving of being a hero and made him lose all faith in heroes, blackmail, threats, brainwashing, some other type of convincing, he has been the traitor the whole time and you just want to kill us with angst, the LoV is threatening deku and if he doesn't help them they kill him, rage against society has reached its peak (same tho), or he wants to get back at bakugou, or the Cat Cafe is being threatened. please stop killing me.

this is a really impressive laundry list of unconventional reasons for shinsou to join the villain alliance. i love it. i too would become a villain in order to save my favorite cat cafe and spite a person i don’t like 

@armcontrolnerve said: it was himiko in the study with the candlestick 

d...does this make shinsou the murder victim 

Anonymous said: I JUST READ THE NEW CHAPTER AND JUST WANTED TO DROP BY AND SAY YOU'VE UTTERLY WRECKED ME. I have tears in my eyes, I am currently flailing about like a fish while my brain goes into overdrive trying to dodge the reality of that ending. Shinsou was helping Izuku not two scenes ago, he was probably kidnapped and forced to do it against his will via torture or something. I refuse to believe that Shinsou is a villain and you cannot tell me oTHERWISE

good instincts. hold onto that feeling 

Anonymous said: My guess: shinsou was kidnapped by Villain Alliance. Himiko Toga is using her quirk to impersonate him. But...why

bad pr image for yuuei 

Anonymous said: all im thinking is that girl with the quirk that lets her shapeshift into people if she gets their blood and im just. oh no. shinsou. how could u do this to the poor sweet gay boy. meet me in the pit for a fight, and also a round of compliments for ur fucking writing skills. u made me cry. i love this fic so much but unfortunately i still have to challenge u to a duel, for the sake of these poor children, and their mental health,,, (ps i love ur writing and ur fantastic!! byeee)

if you kill me youll never get these children back alive

(thank u though... this made me laugh. rest assured that i will promptly apply all my writing skills to elucidating the mystery of what happened to shinsou) 

Anonymous said: Shinsou probably got his quirk stolen by Sensei or someone is impersonating him I guess. Or his classmates are jerks and framing him or something. Smh

his classmates threw him under the bus

@sunslammerdown​ said: hi i am a person who reads your very extremely good fanfiction... thanks very much and also Wow Rude How Dare You. you said you were surprised at not getting more shinsou theories so heres my two: 1) It Was Toga, shinsou is kidnapped its not good 2) It Was All For One who can take quirks and use them on people and shinsou has a mind control quirk, its very not good still

what if its... 3) both, for maximum suffering, and the ultimate very not good happenstance 

@viperofsand​ said: I am sure I had something in mind when giving my review while I was reading chap 6, but after the final part my mind was all 'WHAT THE HELLLLLL', so, there is that. Also, I am inaugurating #ShinsouIsNotAVillain2017 for this fic starting now.

this is a good hashtag. i’m behind it. i have no right to be but i am 

Anonymous said: ok i'm trying not to panic bc of the cliffhanger but just tell me, will we know /why/ shinso is doing what he's doing ?? i'm trying not to spoil for ppl 

no worries! we will find out exactly what happened to shinsou...

@auspiciouswhiskers​ said: How much do I have to pay for a Shinsou redemption and/or Shindeku endgame because pleeease you have responsibilities

you don’t even have to ask. its already under way...

(more specifically: you just don’t even need to ask. there just isnt a need. hold that thought for a shindeku endgame though bc who KNOWS where im headed with that) 

Anonymous said: Izuku's gonna lure Shinsou with cats and everything will be just fine. Izuku holding up fuku, taka and isao: you know u can't harm them Shinsou: defeated

this is the ultimate villain shinsou ask. nothing is ever going to top this. you dont even need to fight shinsou you just have to appeal to him with cats and he’ll crumble instantly 

Anonymous said: Eh, I don't know if I'm angry, but I am a tad disappointed if it actually is "what it looks like" with Shinsou. I mean his whole deal is that while his power seems like one that a villain would have, he doesn't actually want to use it that way. If he really is a villain in your story, that sorta defeats the purpose of his character, you know? But I guess I'll just wait and see what you plan to do with it.

that aspect of his character is probably what makes what im doing 100% more awful so i guess what im trying to say is: don’t worry it’s not what it seems, but also, i should not be allowed to touch a computer 

Anonymous said: ok ok i have an idea about why shinsou provided inside help(i hope im at least a little right or im going to cry): he was threatened by the league? they saw him hanging out with deku and probably knew that he didnt know he was Hella Strong or smth and were like "look, if u dont want ur friend to die ur gonna have to Cooperate" and shinsou being an amazing friend was like "U LEAVE HIM ALONE U COCKROACH" and he did That. it probably happened in That One Stupid Horrible Month (please. PLEASE)

shinsou became a villain for deku confirmed. be gay, turn to the dark side 

Anonymous said: honestly while i'm still Actually Dead over the latest chapter Izuku having his Gay Awakening over someone who stabs him in the back is Relatable lol

h...hold that thought... 

also. i’m really sorry to hear that, and i hope you’re in a better place now. may your future gay relationships be blessed

Anonymous said: It's Mamoru. The ending to your new chapter is definitely a twist that I didn't expect at all. But oddly I'm not angry. Is Shinsou really going to be a villain? Because it kinda goes against he is fighting for. Or is he threatened?

spoiler alert...

@chocowl said: holy fuck simk

A theory: was Shinsou kidnapped by the VA and Himiko used her Quirk to look like him? That would explain the silence towards Izuku and would heal our tormented souls Q-Q

the truth is, the entire villain alliance is conspiring to fuck over shinsou, specifically

#chapter 6 #ask #ask compilation #anonymous #chocowl #auspiciouswhiskers #viperofsand #sunslammerdown #armcontrolnerve #the number of asks is...so much #spoilers for the fic ///