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sierrajanesims · 5 years

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A Demon's Garden Tips

“Crowley tries to teach Aziraphale how to water his plants.”- @the-chemical-defect

Thanks for the prompt!

The first time Aziraphale visits Crowley’s flat was the 25th of April 1953. They had been drinking and debating about DNA and what the humans might do with the new knowledge when on the way back to Aziraphale’s shop the angel remembered that he didn’t have any scotch and he was really craving some that night wouldn’t you know; so Crowley turned the Bentley around and made a stop off at his place to get “supplies”. He hadn’t meant for Aziraphale to follow him up to the flat. Hadn’t meant for the angel to sit down primly on the stiff, fashionable couch in the living room and wait for a glass. He absolutely did not expect Aziraphale to see his plants in the next room.

“Oh! Oh, my dear! What lovely plants you have.” He exclaimed and gratefully took the glass filled to generous three fingers.

“Wha? Oh yeah.” The demon muttered making a vague hand gesture towards them. “Guess they’re alright. They definitely looked better before I left last week,”he growled to seemingly no one in particular and somehow Aziraphale missed the shudder of the leaves, “but I’m sure they’ll right themselves.”

“How do you water them while you’re gone? Do you have a drip system?” The angel inquired taking a deep sip from his glass and wiggling in pleasure at the warmth spreading down. Oh he did love a nice scotch.

“Huh? Nah...I just encourage them to stay hydrated while I’m away. Usually not gone a whole week though and miracles really do dull the colors of them.”

Aziraphale perked up and with the most beatific smile he offered, “Oh! Well if you need a plant sitter the next time you’re away do let me know, dear! I’d be so glad to help.” Crowley looked the angel up and down with a smirk.

“Angel, I’ve seen your plants over the years. I’d trust you with my plants just as soon as you’d trust me with Holy Water.” The angel grimaced at the comparison and icily replied, “Ah. So never I take it.”

* * *

Turns out that would happen a lot faster than Crowley or Aziraphale imagined, but neither thought about the plant discussion until August of 1969 when Crowley had been instructed to spend two weeks in America.

“Some bloody music festival I guess.” Crowley muttered into his wine glass three nights before his scheduled departure. “Won’t even bloody need me there. Humans’ll do all their own tempting.” Aziraphale nodded along supportively and leaned to refill the demons glass.

“Truly a pity my dear. Just bad luck it’s in America as well.” He mumbled with a very slight smirk. Crowley, ever eagle-well, snake-eyed noticed and called him out on it.

“Something funny about this angel? Hmm? Want to share with the class?” The blond gave him an exasperated look and shifted in his seat.

“Really, darling, must you always be so contrary? I’ve said nothing.”

“Yes but you’re thinking something, I can tell. Have you forgotten how long those bloody flight to America are? Don’t get me started on the state my bloody plants will be in when I get back.” Aziraphale glanced up innocently.

“Well, dear, I do believe you said you wouldn’t trust me to care for your plants until I trusted you enough to give you holy water and I do believe there is a certain thermos in your possession now…” He trailed off suggestively and Crowley stared at him blankly.

“You want to water my plants for me?”

“Well yes. I’d like to assist you if possible. After all, the Arrangement...lend a hand whenever necessary…” They both pointedly ignored that the Arrangement didn’t include any personal favors.

The demon scowled at him for a moment and then seemingly gave in.

“Fine. Come by tomorrow afternoon and I’ll show you the routine.”

“Excellent. More wine?”

* * *

“-And this is the Chinese Evergreen plant. Make sure the sun stays away from it. The soil has to be moist at all times and don’t let that temperature drop below 15 degrees alright? Now, I’ve told you all the watering and light information there’s just one more thing.”

The angel who-God bless him-had brought along a notepad and pen scratched a line to show a separate topic and looked up studiously for the final piece of instruction.

“Now, I’m sure you’ve heard about that german fellow Fechner or whatever and his whole ‘talking to plants’ spiel.” Aziraphale had not but he nodded along anyway to speed up the process. Crowley eyed him like he knew but beyond arching a brow he made no show of confrontation.

“Right, well I try to spend at least ten minutes a day talking to the plants. You’ll find that this side of the room responds best to threats of underwatering, whereas this side really reacts to the sound of the garbage disposal. If any of the bastards start showing you any trouble don’t hesitate to shred em.”

There was a stunned silence.

“Excuse me?” Aziraphale queried calmly.

Crowley rolled his eyes.

“Pay attention angel I said-”

“-I know what you said! I think maybe I’m misunderstanding.”

Crowley nodded along and replied, “Ah ok I’ll give you a demonstration then.” Lanky legs swayed over to the Chinese Evergreen and Aziraphale certainly noticed the shaking this time.

“Listen here you little shit. My acquaintance Aziraphale here will be keeping an eye on you for a couple weeks and I swear to Satan if you step out of line I will be very cross, and you all know how I can get when I’m cross.” He snapped his fingers and in the room next door the garbage disposal roared to life and the room sounded as if a harsh breeze were blowing through.

“Crowley!” Aziraphale shouted. The demon looked over to find his little sweet angel vibrating in anger. “I don’t think the point of talking to the plants was to terrify them!”

“Seems to work for me, Angel.” He replied easily, glancing at all the lush, verdant plants around them.

“I won’t shout at your plants Crowley.”

“C’mon Angel, you said you’d do what I told you!”

“Within reason Crowley! I don’t think it necessary to threaten the foliage.” He sniffed disapprovingly and Crowley threw his hands in the air.

“Great. You’re gonna bloody pamper them aren’t you?” The angel wisely chose not to answer and instead stashed his notebook.

“I think I have the required information, my dear. Now, if you’d be so kind I think I could really use a glass of....whatever you have handy.”

Crowley would return two weeks later to a plant room that not only felt stiflingly of Love, but a Chinese Evergreen that had somehow blossomed despite not being the type to flower.

Aziraphale was promptly banned from plant care and even decades later in a cozy cottage in the South Downs a demon could be heard berating his greenery into peak form while an angel quietly and secretly undid the psychological damage at night while the demon slept.

#good omens #drabble #ficlet #longer than I intended #crowley #aziraphale #ineffible husbands #plant #plant abuse #thank god for google #prompt #fanfic prompt #authorchick13

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