I was supposed to be finishing Boots & Bottles. But instead, a vision came to me.
Season 1 Jamie, at a bar with the team, trying to figure out why Colin, Isaac, Declan, and Roy were hiding behind a wall and spying on someone in the dining room bar.
If that doesn’t make sense, ignore it. It’s all a thin plot to get to Jamie offering to seduce the guy. He’s Declan’s sister’s boyfriend, she’s out of town, he’s at a bar, they think he’s trying to cheat on her.
This isn’t a fic. It’s barely a story. Mostly just sentences strung along with a few descriptions to give an idea lmao.
“No one’s ever accused me of being subtle afore.”
-•-
“What are you lot doing hiding behind a wall?”
“Shh, Jamie. We’re watching someone.”
“Watchin em do what?”
“Can it Tartt.”
“Roy? Isn’t it past your bedtime??”
“Shut it, your loud grating voice is gonna make him look over and then Cockburn won’t be able to find out if his sister’s boyfriend is cheating on her.”
He finally quiets and asks Declan if he means his sister Angelica. At his nod, Jamie looks incredulous.
“No way, she’s mad fit man. Why would he step out on her?”
Roy acidly asks why Jamie would step out on Keeley. He didn’t deign to answer to such slander.
“Why d’ya think he’s cheating?” He asked Declan instead.
“Well he’s at this bar while Angie’s out of town. We think he’s trying to pull.”
“Well then why haven’t one of you gone over then?”
“Cause none of us could pass for a woman, Jamie,” Colin snarked.
“Sure but he’s bi so that don’t matter none do it?”
“What?!”
“Shh, Colin. We’re supposed to be being quiet.”
“Jesus, Tartt. You’re the loud one! Also I wanna know how you came to that conclusion?”
“Uh, Roy, his shoes? Duh.”
“Oh, his shoes do look pretty posh.” And Jamie nodded at Colin finally seeing sense.
“And I’ve seen him around Gay.”
“Gay?” Isaac said it, but all four of the players at the table looked confused.
“You know, the bar. G-A-Y?”
“You don’t say the word. The name is G, and A, and Y. You cannot possibly be that dumb, Tartt. You’re just being a prick.”
“Ohh, no. No I thought people were being, like, circumference?”
“What?”
“Saying it but not saying it?”
“Did you mean circumspect?”
“Nah, circumference? Where you say it in a round about way?”
“Roy!” Colin managed to grit out through his teeth. He sounded pained by not being aloud to yell about their rapid fire back and forth. “Not the important part of what he said!”
“Why were you at a gay bar, bruv?” Isaac asked before Roy could take over the whole interrogation.
“You just said you weren’t supposed to say the word!”
“Tartt!”
“Jesus. Sorry. It’s where Keeley likes to go to pull women. She’s bi too.”
“He could be going there without being gay?” Colin asked. Declan was suspiciously quiet on these questions.
“Sure, that’s why I said he’s bi.”
“I meant-”
“Look,” Jamie said, finally showing his impatience. “if none of you wanna do it, I’ll go seduce him.”
“You?”
“Roy, have you seen me hipbones? No one even passably interested in men can resist them.”
“You are such a vain mo-“
“Colin, give us your phone,” Jamie cut Roy off again.
“Why?”
“So you can listen in to get your proof.”
Jamie calls himself, answers before it can ring, and puts Colin’s back in his hand. Then he stands there motionless.
“Well, aren’t you-“
“Waiting for the right time.” And before Roy could yell at him some more, he’s off.
-•-
Walks right beside the man at the bar, puts his hands on the polished wood, and leans up on his tiptoes. It puts his ass right in the man’s sightline and when Jamie turns a bit the man can see Jamie’s ass flex.
“Just me luck. Get here and the barman’s run off.”
“Oh, well, he’s been pretty efficient. Will probably be back soon.”
“Cheers. Mind if I sit?”
“Not at all. Hey. Listen. You look familiar?”
“Oh? You might have seen me on the telly. You a football fan?”
“Not much but I bet that’s it. What team are you on?”
“Man City? The accent didn’t give me away?”
“Dunno. But your accent is beautiful.”
“Oh well, now I know you’re chatting me up. Not many can hear the beauty in a Manc accent.”
“Then a lot of people are fools. You know, I didn’t really think footballers were so…”
“So what? Charming?”
“That too. But I was going to say obvious.”
Jamie’s giggle came clearly through Colin’s speaker. Roy thought Jamie was apparently going for even more air-headed than normal.
“No one’s ever accused me of being subtle afore. I know what I like when I see it so I say it.”
With that, he finally caught the barman’s eye to ask about drinks.
“How comfortable are you with exotic shots, mate? I wanna give me friend here a blowjob.”
Said man spluttered while Colin tried to swallow down a shriek. Roy watched in horror as Jamie leaned closer and whispered to the man.
“You like amaretto? And Irish cream? Those are the secret ingredients. One of my favs. Love blowjobs, I do.”
Jamie hands over one of the two shots and then says “Now we can each have a blow job!” Clinks his shot glass against the other’s, downs it, and then whispers to him again. “Excuse me, do you know where the toilets are? I’ve never been here. Want to show me?”
-•-
As they walked past, Jamie called attention to the other players, though luckily by that point they had rushed to seem like they were just normally sat at a table.
“Hey lads, think I’ll be headed home soon. Oh, and I made a new friend!”
Declan looked up to lock eyes with the man. Who recognized Declan and then slowly realized exactly what that sounded like.
“Hey, Declan, my man! Just showing this guy to the gents. Then heading home. Your sister gets back from her trip tomorrow. Gotta be up early to pick her up!”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Yeah. Was just having an after work drink when your friend here asked for directions.”
“Right. After work. At 9pm. And you needed to walk him over rather than just point at the neon sign over the door?”
“Yup!”
“I gave him a blowjob earlier!”
“He! That is. A shot!”
“Yeah, I’m giving you a shot. To get with me! You’re lucky, you know. I only hook up with cute boys, don’t I?” Only Colin played along, nodding in answer.
“What. No. This is a misunderstanding. I’m not gay, man.”
“Sure, sure, neither am I. Right boys?” And he wiggled his eyebrows at Roy, Declan, Colin, and Isaac. Slowly turning to each one to make it as painful to watch as possible. Jamie liked Angelica, she was fit like he said but more than that she was really nice. Making her smarmy ex squirm was a treat.
The man fled, missing the smirk that spread across Jamie’s face before he leaned up against the player’s table. Flaunting his ass again just like before.
“If your sister thinks he’s actually just confused, you should tell her that he was showing me the way with his hand on me ass.” He then pulled a condom from his back pocket, and held it out to him. “And see if she recognizes the brand. He slipped it into the back pocket real smooth like.”
Declan snorted, then elbowed his ribs. “Apparently he’s more subtle than you, eh?”
“Bout as subtle as a brick to the face. Thought he was gonna cum in his pants when I said I wanted to give him a blowjob.”
“How did you think of that shot?”
“Told you I’ve been to G-A-Y with Keeley. It’s how the men there check to see if I’m straight. Apparently how you react can tell a lot about yourself.” He didn’t give them a chance to ask more about it though.
“Well, this has been fun, lads. But I’m gonna head out shortly. Just gotta settle up me tab. Oh, and Declan?”
“Yeah?”
“He left without doing that himself. I’m gonna pay it, and tell the barman that he ran off after I rocked his world. Pout a bit about getting me poor heart broke. Ask if I can leave a note for ‘whenever that fit bloke comes back for his abandoned credit card.’
If your sister still doesn’t believe ya, tell her to swing by for it. Cause whoever hands it over to her will be happy to tell her the hot gossip around it.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Like I said. Not known for being subtle, am I?”
“Cheers.”
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