#(aka: if someone fucking dies he wont know unless someone makes a ask/ personally tells him that theyre dead)

[obrien4321]

The Lord really popped off tonight!

#(obriens pronouns are. he/him) #(due to the fact he quite literally lives in some church in godknows where he does NOT know about what happens in main tmcblr) #(aka: if someone fucking dies he wont know unless someone makes a ask/ personally tells him that theyre dead) #(or if they die in / around the church) #(parenthesis is mod talk from Me . Hello) #(anyone can come by the church . ever .) #(you can also personally message me on this i do not care 👍👍👍 ) #(UPDATE : this is Not Mod talk like tmcblr canonical mods that ruin their life/lhj) #(this is just me (running the account) making comments and shit)

[journalofasadperson]

Writings from a sad person

2:56 September 14 2019

I really want to use the machete. And no! It’s not for cutting my self you sick bastard. Like I think about it, but it doesn’t mean I will do it . I hate when people assume things and assume I don’t have self control and that I am just “crazy”. I WONT DO IT JESUS CHRIST I CAN HEAR YOUR THINKING FROM HERE :< I want to use it for fun!! Like cutting plants! (More like weeds) it’s fun clearing things out

I think mum is trying to make feel better about eating watermelon with my mouth here in Peru

Damn not remembering must suck. But then again if I lost certain memories I wouldn’t mind.

I like the country side more. Hunting would be fun as long as the ecosystem needs it. Though I still wouldn’t kill bears :< it’s too sad. Unless they really are hurting others.

Ha ha oh ya the phone has destroyed everything :, ) lmao it has completely destroyed everything. And aw yes science going ahead and further is making more corruption. Aw yaaaaa 🙄🙄🙄 this guy I swear.

At this point I have been quiet for so long. This is the quietest I have ever been. I feel very mute. If I start talking no one will listen to what I say because of age and all that bullshit.

The people are nice. Very caring :). There are just certain things we don’t agree on.

Coming back to the city - 7:29pm same day

5:28 September 21

Going to go home at midnight! I talked to the mama and she was super sad. Talking about how she is forgetting things. I wonder if that will happen to me?

8:25 in Salvador (high up in the air) sept 22

So I saw a big burly man hugging his stuff animal (dog), rippoff Justin biber, and discounted Jesus. (also a latino version of captain sparkles)

2:25 pm in US,Seattle, Oct. 25

well, hello cool area! I am back to typing on this note. Because i am still sad as fuck. Or something. I can’t tell the difference. I’m just really.fucking.tired. I want to sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I want to sleep forever... you know I can see how my past self wanted to kill myself. I know most of my friends don’t feel indifferent but you know. When you are like this you think the opposite. I feel a lot of love from my best friends though. A few people from discord. I can’t wait to go to school next week. I want to get out of this fucking hell hole. I think I’m going non verbal. Which fucking sucksSUCCCKKKKKS! But oh well. I wonder if my brother cares at all. Like I know he does. But I guess not the yelling part sense I am 17. Gee thanks bro. I hate getting yelled at. I am very sick of it. I wished I did die. But I don’t want too. I just want to not get yelled at for being “stupid” or for being a “dumbass” but hey at least grandma and Ramiro don’t yell at me. I hate this feeling. I thought the whole yelling at me and telling me she was going to hit me would be gone by now. You know?? She only hit me once. And too used yell at me all the time. That’s why I hated middle school for a period... it fucking sucked, I hated going back home. I am always anxious. Like... can I even sit??? Or something? And they tell me you are being lazy or not doing things you should be doing. I should be doing something with the house or some shit. I get it bro, maintaining a house is fucking hard. I never said it was easy. FUCK nothing is easy and I hate how they think I think it’s easy. Of course fucking not. You think I am that inept. That I don’t care? Well fucking news flash! I do. This is why I have voices in my head ladies and gentlemen and non-binary lovelies! They remind me to do things and talk to me through things. They are very helpful at times. I should have stayed depressed... Maybe then I would be oh so fucking helpful. I need to get this out. Thank god for notes in my phone. Thank god for my phone in general. I would have died earlier with out it. Getting info on what self harm is and seeking communities for comfort is great. And learning is better on here anyways. So ya, fuck you.

10:53 am Oct 26

Mum said people would leave me if I am not more considerate. Aka better :) and love me haha.

I keep having nightmares

11:23 am

I am not feeling great. I am thinking suicidal again. I don’t like it. Every time I look at mom I get nervous..... I haven’t taken my meds.

Just took them. Maybe that why I am happier. Because I blocked out all those times she has yelled at me and belittled me. I don’t like remembering that.

...footsteps scare me

But anyways! Thank god for the meds! Helps me forget some of this shit! :)

(I know that’s not good but like what else I’m I supposed to do)

I can’t to go to LA and spend the rest of my life there. I want to live with my best friends! And have fun and not get yelled at!

11:48

Forget anything I said. I am going to forget and pretend none of this ever happened.

So I woke up! And I had nightmares! But that’s okay because I got to sleep in a little bit more! And I can’t wait to bake and me and my grandma are going to spend time together! :D and my mum is going to go with my brother!



10:32PM Oct. 28 2019

My old roommate Don epfaniyo came by. Got beaten up really fucking good. They kicked him, scratched him and punched him. He went to the hospital last night. Went there at 9:00PM? He said the fight started at 9:00PM. Probably the fight didn’t last that long. But fuck. He is not doing so hot right now. Both of his eyes are red and his skin looked like he was skidded on the pavement. They (don Carlos/epfaniyo and right now my roommate who is about to leave) are joking around. Glad they can still laugh, but that also means they are used to it. I hope his in law can find peace in his soul.

5:07pm Oct. 29 2019

Finished a doc appointment. It was super weird though. The nice pregnant lady kept asking me questions, like a lot of questions. Like if I was being abused at home or if I felt safe at home/ with myself. I wonder if I do look worse for wear... she was super nice though :) I’m glad I talked to her she didn’t judge me at all. I wish she was always my doctor. She asked me about my mental health and how I was doing at school. To be honest I don’t know if I lied. I tried my best to talk to her though. I have been having urges to kill myself I told her but I reassured her I wouldn’t because I have people that care about me. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want to die to be honest. I just want too move out and get more help. I want to explore more :) I can’t wait to leave. The next days will be tough because I won’t have my meds... first time I am without my meds. I don’t think things are going to go super good. But it’s going to be okay :D



7:38pm Nov 9

I guess I can’t fuck up with paco either. I get scolded for almost throwing up at his poop. And sneered at me saying “you can put away the bags right? You won’t vomit then?” Like geez woman I’m sorry I’m learning. Paco has been coughing a lot. And I don’t really wanna play because he has a fuck ton of more energy then me. He deserves a better family to be honest. Mum wanted this and I went along cause I wanted to give paco a good home and I thought maybe if he came things would get better. But why do I lie to myself.

God,maybe I am a fuck up.

9:10pm Nov 11

I feel like fucking shit. To be honest I don’t even know how to breathe some days and when I go to therapy I forget I was sad and not lie, but forget to write down I am wanting to die. I want to break everything I own and die. How can I function when my mum wants to tell me what do. Oh sorry forgetting about time because to me TIME IS NONEXISTNET FUCK YOU.I DONT HATE YOU I JUST DON’T SEE YOU ANYMORE

I wonder if this is why people kill themselves. Do I hate myself? I don’t I do. Logically its not my fault. I think anyways

Paco is being cute though. He is a nice distraction. GOD I hate that Carla was right about keeping a journal. Oh I forgot to mention abby is not interested in me. Which gives me so much closure! (I had no idea what her feelings were so like I do I proceed thy friendship lmao)I am thankful for having good friends. I just wish I didn’t see everyone like npc though. I feel like they are npc because I don’t know. I am glad paco is here, he lights up the place even though he poops EVERYWHERE. lol. Anyways I keep hearing the voices sometimes really strong other times I feel like going crazy. Like actual crazy none of that fake shit. Like fuck man. I go into this mind palace and force all my frustration there.i am allowed to go crazy I am allowed to scream and walk around the streets singing/dancing/talking to myself.its fun I am allowed to break bottles and walk around with my mother worrying about me. She is not there in that plane she is at home not worrying about me.

The song of the day Good day by BTS

Keep fighting

9:25pm Nov 12

I FEEL FUCKING LONELY…. I will try talking to someone?

10:10 pm Nov 19

If I could I would kill myself.

I fuck up everything

There is no use for me anymore

I fucked Elvis over and they tell me not to tell them.

I made them depressed

I shouldn’t be breathing right now

I should be dead

Talking to my ancestors

I wish I could kill myself

But I have to get to California first.

Feb 10 Mon 8:00pm

All I remember is the quiet loudness. When parasite won and Taika Waititi won an Oscar. The same road I took where I died. My mind trapped needlessly in a hold where it can’t climb out of.

[vespidolive]

Do you believe in God? Why? Why not? Is that too personal question?

It is a bit personal but I will answer this anyways. I ask those of you reading this to please keep an open mind, due to the nature of this question.

I was raised in a Christian household, therefore you can probably guess which religion I belong to.

I do believe there is a God. However, I don’t think of Him in a way usually associated to Christians.

It is an unfortunate stereotype for Christians to be “bible thumpers”. AKA those types that will damn you to hell for just about anything and believe they are above everyone else because they’re so “pure” and “saved”. They think that just because they believe in God, they’re allowed to treat people like shit. Heaven help you if you call them out of their bad behavior.

I made a post a while back about geniuses and how they aren’t above anyone. No one is above anyone unless they have earned it from those around them. I think of God more like a good dad. He’s there when your feeling sad/scared/alone, He’ll protect you (or send someone to protect you), He’ll give pretty good advice if you ask, (if you can find the humor) makes dad jokes on funny shit you did, and He loves you no matter how much you screw up. It kinda helps me to think of him as a dad because it makes him less scary. When you’re scared of someone, your less likely to go to them for help. 

“Bible Thumpers” like to present God as a judge, ready to cast down anyone who disagrees with them into hell at the drop of a hat. 

Ironically enough, the bible encourages Christians to love others unconditionally, no matter who or what they are. If they prove hard to love, pray for them and ask God to help them. You never know if they might need it. In fact, unconditional love is a very big theme in the bible. Reason Jesus died? It was for humans, the species known for having the LONGEST HISTORY of screwing up, to have a chance to go to heaven. Whether or not they go is up to the individual, but at least they have a chance. 

I believe that I should help those in need however I can. Whether it’s giving advice, teaching them how to fight, or just simply being a shoulder to cry on. I help however I can. If they have questions about God and Christianity, I’ll answer what I can and advise them where they can get more information, but I can’t force someone to become a Christian. I can’t force someone to be saved.

I can’t force someone to love some being they just barely met. 

It’s best to let those find their own path and help them when they ask for it. That’s what God is currently doing with humans right now, if you think about it. Let people find their own way, and if they ask for help, be there. The shit you’re going through; you wouldn’t be going through it if He didn’t think you could survive it. If it feels like it’s too much, tell him and he’ll lighten the burden, but only if you truly believe he can help you. And once the shit has passed, guess whose proud you survived it? 

It breaks my heart when “bible thumpers” turn people away from Christianity. Their hate, intolerance, and outright ignorance is honestly sad. Humans don’t have the power to damn anything to hell. If I remember correctly, Jesus damned a fig tree once. He spent the rest of his time helping those in need and telling the corrupt to fuck off in the most delightful way possible. 

We don’t know what will and wont get someone sent to hell, but what we can do is have open minds (and hearts) for those in need. We shouldn’t judge others, that’s not our business. We should be doing everything we can by helping them. And what better way to help then to love and ask “Dad” up there to keep an eye on them?

#long post #personal #Balls these questions are getting a biiiiiit personal here #religion #Anonymous