#'its hard. being a kid and growing up. its hard and nobody understands.'

[bananonbinary]

sometimes i remember that one of my favorite lines in all of homestuck, arguably the thesis statement for the entire comic, came from fucking eridan bitching about how no one wants to date him despite being a Nice Guy(tm)

#'its hard. being a kid and growing up. its hard and nobody understands.' #like its just this quiet and understated Thing #like its not even whining its just stating a fact #and meta bullshit about narratives aside its literally the entire point of everything #is these poor kids trying to grow up without guardians and how badly it fucked them up #BUT ITS FUCKING ERIDAN WHO STARTED IT #maybe that is fitting #but i still hate it

[chikkou]

one thing i really appreciate about growing up is learning that im not the only weird bitch in the room feeling scared and unsure of myself. i always felt inadequate, ill-prepared, stunted. i thought my feelings and fears were strange and abnormal. but thats not a rarity. thats life.

#dark lord saltine #growing up is hard and frightening #but knowing you arent the only one struggling is very comforting in a way #and helps alleviate some of the guilt we feel just for being a person #‘’its hard being a kid and growing up. its hard and nobody understands.’’ #this is my 2 am post im allowed to be cringe. leave me olone

[fefairys]

now u got me pondering jake again.

like the thing is his friends CONFUSE HIM SO MUCH. they confuse me too fuck!!! like they’re all obsessed with him and have crushes on him and want to marry him and shit but are constantly calling him an idiot and sometimes act like they loathe being around him! that must fucking drive him crazy!

everyone he talked to growing up all both had a crush on him and thought he was the worlds biggest idiot simultaneously. imagine if u had three human friends in the WORLD didn’t talk to ANYINE ELSE, and all three of them had blatant feelings for you BUT they also all belittle your intelligence all the time?? that’s so confusing! he must be so fucking twisted up inside! fuck!!!!

he is honestly just doing his best. absolutely nothing he does is like ACTIVELY malicious! how could he possibly have known what he was doing was wrong when no one told him? like bro his reference for social interaction is largely shitty american movies lmao like that’s not gonna give u a good guide!

#sorry but as someone who was accused of being manipulative as a teen #despite not knowing i was doing anything wrong & i was trying so hard to be a good person and friend #like it really hits #‘accused of’ okay yes i WAS being manipulative #but like i didn’t even know. #and no one would explain to me what i was doing that was manipulative #they’d just say i was being manipulative #because we were all teens #UGHHHH ITS HARD BEING A KID AND GROWING UP ITS HARD AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS!!!!! #homestuck #jake

[propp]

when i was a really angry teenager who also felt a lot worse about my gender than i do now i had this pet "theory" (theory is a strong word idk what else to call it) that vriska had to feed her lusus roughly once per month and that this ritual of blood was an allegory for menstruation in that both were a monthly punishment for the sin of persisting as a teen girl at all

#in retrospect this is ridiculous and also because i didnt get put on birth control for debilitating cramps until i was 16 #homestuck-inflected musings on suffering and the inherent cruelty of puberty decreased by like 90% after junel fe #ITS HARD BEING A KID AND GROWING UP. ITS HARD AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS. etc.

[rthko]

People on this site keep talking about how social media has become more prudish and anti-sex, but I kinda wonder if that's just because you're sharing space with 15 year olds? Like do you think adults are actually anti kink and anti sex in movies etc, or are there just a bunch of (understandably) squeamish teenagers with a platform who will probably grow out of it?

I think about this a lot and have a few converging theories.

-Like you said, teenagers. Being squeamish about sex as a teenager is normal, but excessively projecting that outward instead of treating it as a "me problem" is abnormal. I think a lot of this comes down to the state of online behavior and the factors that shaped it.

-Internet moderation. The crackdown on sex work, nudity, or even in TikTok's case swearing, to appease advertisers. Tumblr's porn ban the most notorious example, and it caused a lot of people to migrate their discourse from a blogging platform with hyperlinks and no character limits to 140 character tweets and one minute videos.

-Everyone is radical and nobody is. ACAB is just a catchy slogan, every corporate PR department has something to say about "uplifting BIPOC voices," and kids who love to tweet about how "Stonewall was a riot" will call the cops on you if you wear a harness. I'm being slightly hyperbolic, but I think much of today's radicalism comes down to aesthetics and branding. It requires no real examination of biases and mechanisms of control. You can dress up even downright reactionary takes in progressive language and be applauded for it.

-The noble cause of Me Too and its weird mutations. It's understandable. If you read about how women in film are treated, I can understand why you'd have reservations about sex scenes. Then again, this doesn't account for "it's gross" and "it doesn't advance the plot." I know we don't want to hear "has Me Too gone too far," and I don't believe that, but am I wrong to also wonder if people arguing about the "power dynamics" of couples in slightly different stages of their 20's are feeding into something sinister?

-Sex positivity is cringe now. So is polyamory, kink, or any non-normative relationships or pleasure. Couldn't tell you why, but I can tell you the internet is full of TERFs and other reactionaries and the joyless, gullible people who listen to them.

-Queer assimilation. This sounds like an oxymoron, but I think the label of "queer" is going through the same identity crisis now that "gay" went through first. We're seeing a new vision of queerness that is fluffy, neutered, de-clawed, and flying off the shelves. If you grew up with "love is love," you don't have to relate to the seedy counterculture of yesteryear, but you don't have to snub your nose at it either.

I do think some of these people will grow out of it. I did, at least. I want to say none of this matters, that it's just online behavior, but everyone is so online these days that it's hard to draw these lines. TERFs, for instance, are some of the most miserable, online people on the planet, yet their real-world impact is undeniable. So many right wing movements are driven by simple outrage and disgust. This has all been very gloomy, so if you want to talk solutions: live your life and live it loudly. Encourage people to live with a healthy amount of discomfort or mind their own business. Everyone talks about growing up like it's just about stress or responsibility, but growing up can also mean no longer caring about things that used to bother you. It's fun! Everyone ought to try it.

#for the love of god rthko just get a medium account

[artist-issues]

Hi! I've seen you comment a bit here and there about Pocahontas. This movie has had this quite messy reputation attached to it since it came out and hasn't been able to escape from it since then. Personally, I've always liked Pocahontas, but I do acknowledge that it has its glaring issues, especially when it comes to the context of what actually went down and Pocahontas's true story. I'm interested in reading your thoughts on the movie and what Disney could have done better regarding the whole "diversity" and historical accuracy thing. I genuinely believe Disney had the best of intentions when it came to the themes, message and depiction of Native American culture, but the execution unfortunately did not seem the most appropriate at times. What do you think?

I don’t know. I don’t have a settled opinion on Pocahontas. I will say I really enjoy it, and I think maybe the aesthetics of the movie are what appeal to me the most because it’s the one I want to have on in the background most often.

When you say “what Disney could’ve done better regarding the whole ‘diversity’ and historical accuracy thing” and “did not seem the most appropriate at times,” I don’t know if I understand what you mean. I don’t know if I understand what anyone means when they say that.

There are almost zero cold hard facts about the historical Pocahontas that EXPERTS agree on. Almost zero. So when people say “oh no, it wasn’t historically accurate,” it’s like, “no, of course it’s not. It’s a fairy tale based on a historical person that we know very little about to begin with.” Seems like what they’re mainly mad about is that Historical John Smith’s version of Historical Pocahontas saving him is the framework for the animated film, and we all generally agree that his version was fake. And people are mad about that?

But…why? If it’s already supposed to be a fairy tale loosely inspired by a historical person we know very little about…I mean, nobody is furious with the Robin Hood stories and going “how dare you misrepresent Robin of Lockersley, 1160, and King Richard I!!” Because we all know that they’re stories loosely based on—anyway. You get my point. Why would you have beef about a fairy tale being based loosely? Moving on.

You can say “because now generations of kids are growing up thinking that’s the real story of Pocahontas!! What an outrage!”

…All right, well, then you’re doing a terrible job teaching your kids discernment as a parent. When kids I’m responsible for watch a movie, I tell them “it’s a movie. It’s not real.” If it’s a movie about historical events, I tell them, “If you want to know more about the real story, let’s learn about the real story.” It’s not on Disney to teach your kids that a fairy tale is a fairy tale, it’s on you.

Anyway, you get it. Moving on.

Thing is, the Pocahontas movie’s message is “Love tries to understand, not to possess.” Great message. Especially good when applied to the problem of prejudice.

So then, they just shift the events, the character motivations, and the depictions around as needed, like they would any fairy tale in order to send that message in the best way. And because it is a fairy tale, not a documentary, great. Do it.

If Historical John Smith’s fake story makes that message more compelling, great. Use pieces of it. Why not? After all, they never claimed that this was the true, accurate history of colonization, the Anglo-Powhatan war, or John Smith’s interactions with Pocahontas. If they had made that claim, sure, let’s talk about historical accuracy. But they didn’t, so let’s not.

That’s all I had to say about the “historical inaccuracies” thing. Now let’s talk about “representation.”

What is it that people have an issue with here? Did they really want Disney to animate hundreds of Powhatan’s people dying of disease? Did they want Disney to animate heads getting chopped off and women getting raped? What’s the argument? That Disney should’ve made the colonists the clear and undeniable villains, the monsters of history, and the Native Americans 100% pure and innocent, wronged victims?

They’re not mad that Disney did a bad job representing Native Americans in a movie that was supposed to be a fairy tale. They’re mad that Disney didn’t represent Native Americans the way they would’ve.

Far as my eyes can see, people who call Pocahontas racist or misrepresentative just don’t want the story to be “Love tries to understand, not to possess.” They want the story to be “White colonists were unredeemable racist monsters and sub-human tyrants who deserved to rot in hell, while the Native American people were entirely innocent victims who did nothing wrong.’

The problem is that’s just not a true, or even helpful message for any movie to have. Sorry. The statement I just typed out up there in bold is not a true or helpful statement. And thank God the Pocahontas movie didn’t make it.

There’s nothing racist being said in the Pocahontas movie. There are depictions of the sin of racism in the Pocahontas movie. There is a difference. Characters in the Pocahontas movie talk and sing about each other as if the other people group is sub-human. That is a depiction of racism. But the message of the movie, and the way it treats Native Americans, is to treat them like human beings. Therefore, the message is not racist.

In terms of who is good and who is bad, who is right and who is wrong, the movie very clearly shows that the Native American characters did not start the violence. The Native American characters did not want war. The Native American characters were willing to be friendly and willing to defend their land and each other. The Native American characters were the first to try and make peace with the colonist characters. And they were all (Kocoum included) entirely human characters. They were even the good-guy-coded characters, in the movie’s conflict. All of the Native American side characters are noticeably smarter, kinder, drawn more carefully, and are more heroic than the white characters. (When Thomas is thrown overboard the other white side characters leave him behind. In contrast, when Namonteck is shot the other Native American side characters rescue him immediately and fall back.) And, not a caricature among them. Meanwhile, Wiggins, Ben, and Lion are all drawn with exaggerated characteristics. The heroine is Pocahontas the Character, not John Smith the Character. So what is the issue you have?

What people think is racist is the “idealization” of a Native American woman falling in love—or, as they like to say now—“committing herself to a white colonist.” But that’s like…a gross oversimplification of the movie. John Smith (the character) committed himself right back to her, nobody wants to talk about that? Also, they low key didn’t commit themselves to each other at all costs—he tries to, at the end of the movie, stay with her or have her come with him, and she won’t leave her home and her people?? So what’s the argument?

Not to mention, why is anyone even upset that the character Pocahontas falls in love with a white colonist character? Are you saying that this sort of thing would never happen? That a young woman who’s people are embattled with and mistreated by invaders would never find one invader who comes to an understanding with her, and then they fall in love? You’re mad because that would never happen? Incorrect. It happened all the time in history. It happens all the time in other stories you love, like West Side Story.

Who the heck cares if it didn’t happen exactly that way (even though maybe it did) with the historical Pocahontas? We already established that this wasn’t supposed to be a historically accurate retelling, it was supposed to be a loosely-based fairy tale. And the message “Love tries to understand, not to possess,” works perfectly with a fairy tale where the girl from one side of a racially-charged hate war understands and falls in love with a guy from the other side.

I mean people who talk about Pocahontas, the historical figure, with reverence and respect, all usually agree on one thing: she did help maintain some kind of peace between colonists and Native Americans. Whether or not you think the colonists should’ve even been there in the first place is beside the point—sorry, but it is; they were there, now let’s deal with the reality.

So when Disney makes a movie where the goal is to tell the message “Love tries to understand, not to possess,” and they have to be true to the universally-agreed-upon “Pocahontas probably helped bring some peace…” in their fairy tale…why on earth do you have a problem with Pocahontas the Character falling in love as a reason for bringing about that peace?

It’s because you don’t find “falling in love” to be anything other than demeaning for a woman. And it’s because you don’t want John Smith, or any white colonist character, to be depicted as human. You want them all to be unredeemable racist monsters.

The goal is no longer to have movies that say what Pocahontas said. We don’t want movies where there’s messy racism, but then it ends with attempts at peace and understanding. We want movies where there’s entirely one-sided racism, and then revenge for that racism. That’s what we want. We want endless apologies and zero forgiveness.

And for better or worse, Pocahontas is not a movie about endless apologies and zero forgiveness.

IN CONCLUSION: 1. None of the “you” statements were directed at you, idiosyncraticrednebula. 🫡

2. Anyone who wants to teach me where I’m wrong is welcome to, but you have to show your work, and you have to be consistent, you can’t just say “lol imagine thinking Pocahontas isn’t racist. You are the problem.” and then block me. 🙄 all right, well, you can, but all you’ll get out of it is an echo chamber.

3. If you want me to talk about the art, the storytelling, the quality of the movie outside of all this (and it should be outside of all this, because this was a fairy tale, not a historically accurate documentary) it’ll have to be in a different ask, and I’m happy to.

4. Should Disney have made it more clear that this was a fairy tale, a stylized story based only loosely on historical events? …Yeah. Definitely should’ve done a Prince of Egypt-style title card or something. But they didn’t—so now show me why it’s racist or misrepresentative.

#Pocahontas #Disney’s Pocahontas #Pocahontas hate #John smith #pocahontas 1995 #animation #Disney princess #Native American #racism #indigenous people #conflict #storytelling #Disney #Disney animation #Disney classics #asked #answered #Flick #Meeko #Radcliffe #colors of the wind #Powhatan

[dimplesgirl2004]

Idol in Hiding

Summary: A new gorgeous employee starts at a small pizza place. His boss is having a hard time keeping her thoughts innocent and he isn’t exactly helping.

Pairing:  Lee Know and Original female character

Warnings: MDNI, 18+, smut, cursing, angst

Word count: 14 K

Minho takes a deep breath as he looks up at the faded sign above the door. It didn’t really matter what the place was just as long as he could earn some money and learn the ropes of working in an American kitchen, without being recognized. Since the group decided to not renew their contracts 2 years ago and each member went their separate ways, him and Jeongin were the only ones that took the drastic step by moving to the states and going to university. He knew he was done with the life of an idol and just wanted a normal life away from the spotlight. He knew he wanted to be a chef and knew the only way to try and live a normal life was to move to the states and start fresh. Deciding to go to a university in middle America gave him the best chance.

 He opens the glass door noting the smudges on the glass. Just smile and act normal, nobody will know and you can exist without the weight of being an ex idol holding him back.

*************************************

“His name is Lino?” Devantrea asks with a grin.

“I don’t know, I haven’t really had a chance to look over his application yet….” I glance at the papers in front of me. “Whoa! His last job was in Korea, I wonder how long he has been in the US?”

 Devantrea snatches the papers from my hands, laughing

“Hey I need to look those over, he is going to be here any minute” I cry out while trying to grab the papers that he was holding above his head.

“Too bad you should have read them already Miss GM…you gotta be ready for this stuff” He laughs out.

 “Hey you two!” Stephanie calls out from across the restaurant where she is attempting to vacuum the French fries that a kid had thrown on the floor just 30 minutes ago.

 “I know I am just teasing her, Steph…its not my fault she is short” Devantrea quips while handing me back the application. I roll my eyes and read through the application.

 “He actually does have quite a bit of experience in a kitchen, although it was in Korea, it’s still experience”

 Devantrea nods as we hear the door opening.

 All three of us look up to see an absolutely breathtaking man walk through the doors. He literally looked like he just stepped off the set of a K drama.

 No way! That is not our guy? There is no way this man would want to work in some dingy pizza place.  

 I watch, trying to hold my jaw closed as this beautiful man walks up to the bar that I am standing behind. I look over at Devantrea who is looking about as dumbfounded as me.

 “Excuse me, I am here for an interview…I am not sure who the name of the person I am interviewing with” K drama says with a bright smile. His accent is apparent, but not hard to understand.

 I nod and smile, trying to gather myself. “That’s me, I am the general manager, my name is Caitlyn, but you can call me Cat”? he bows slightly and holds his hand out to shake mine. His hands are warm and rough, like maybe he has worked with his hands before.

 “Oh um this is the kitchen manager Devantrea, he will be joining us” I add trying to stop myself from blushing.

“Nice to meet you… Lino is it?” Devantrea asks

He smiles the most beautiful smile I have ever seen reaching all the way to his eyes. It was slightly askew, but beautiful.

 I didn’t care what his name is, he was K drama in my mind. That man was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life. I couldn’t believe how flawless this man looked. His almond shaped amber eyes sparkled. With his high cheekbones and full lips, I was convinced that he was some actor sent here from Korea to research some part in a new drama or running from some scandal.  

 “Lets all go sit over here in one of our tall tops…follow me” Devantrea said while eyeing me suspiciously. I felt my cheeks grow hot, realizing I was lost in my own thoughts and forgot that I was supposed to be in charge.

 “Yes lets, thank you Devantrea” I call out as I make my way from behind the bar.

 We take a seat at the tall top closest to the window. I was now face to face with K drama and at a loss for words. I just couldn’t believe that this man actually wanted a job here.

 He sat down appearing very relaxed, he had a soft smile on his face and his eyes were sparkling, like he knew I was a little bit flustered and was amused by it.

 “So what made you want to work at a pizza place, Lino” Devantrea asks his tone serious.

 “Well I am going to university for business and hotel/restaurant management. I want to get a feel for how American restaurants work, because it is my dream to open a Korean restaurant in the United States” Lino says confidently, not breaking eye contact with Devantrea.

 “So your from Korea?” I say quickly and then realizing that his whole damn application was Korean restaurants in Korea, I not only made myself sound incompetent but also stupid. My face turned bright red and I felt Devantrea kick me gently under the table.

 I realize I need to get it together and interview this guy. He is just a student that is studying business who happens to look like a damn model. I glance down at his application and realize he is thirty years old, but looks 22! I guess its never to late to get an education or possibly run to the US because of a scandal.

 I clear my throat. “Ok can you expand a little bit on what you did at your past restaurants?” Lino turns his flawless face to me and smiles, I swear if I was standing, my knees would have buckled. I quickly compose myself and try to maintain normal, not creepy eye contact while he tells us about his past restaurant experience. I nod along and ask questions, trying to get a sense of why he would choose a little pizza joint instead of a chain or corporate restaurant. Devantrea must have been thinking the same thing since the next question he asked was why he didn’t choose a bigger restaurant. Lino explained that he wanted to start smaller, so he could learn more and not feel overwhelmed.

 Ok that made sense!

 Devantrea gives me a nudge under the table indicating to me that he approves and wants to hire him.

 I turn and smile at Devantrea and then turn to Lino giving him a bright smile. “Ok Lino, you sound like you would be a great fit and we would like to offer you the job” 

His face lights up and he reaches out to shake both of our hands. “Thank you so much! I feel like this is going to be a great experience, when do you want me to start?”

 He was so enthusiastic about the job, it made my brain go back to my original theory that he is definitely running from some crazy scandal

 We went over his availability and gathered his paperwork to take copies for the accountant. Since he has a student visa there was some different paperwork that I was not familiar with so I just took copies of everything, secretly hoping there wouldn’t be any issues to cause him to not be able to work here.

 “So I think that Parker or Rex would be the best ones to train, they are both senior cooks and great on the pizza stations, so how about starting this weekend? Devantrea was speaking to both of us and I add “Yes, Parker can do the night training and Rex the afternoon training, I think we should start out in the afternoon, it isn’t as hectic as night shift is”

“I agree” Devantrea replies. He looks at Lino who is still beaming, “You good with starting Saturday morning? You can come in and help with prep, learn the layout and maybe make a few pizzas?”

“Yes! That works great! Lino exclaims.

**************************************

As they walk him out Minho couldn’t help but be intrigued with the beautiful GM that just interviewed him. Even though the guy did most of the talking, Minho couldn’t help but keep glancing at Cat throughout the whole interview, he was sure she noticed because she seemed to be getting a little flustered. Since being in the US he hadn’t thought much about dating or women in general, intent on focusing on getting through school, but this woman definitely caught his eye. She had to only be about 5 foot 4 inches, but carried herself like she was 6 foot, she had a confident, yet soft demeanor and she had the biggest blue eyes he has ever seen.  

With a confident stride he makes his way back to his car, feeling much better about his situation. He is sure that this will be exactly what he needs to help him start fresh

**************************************

Once back inside Devantrea turns to me, “What the hell Cat! You looked like you were about to pass out the whole time”

“Did you see that beautiful man that we just interviewed?” I exclaim. Devantrea makes a face. “Ok…he is a bit of pretty boy….”

“No Devantrea! He looks like a K drama star! I yell

“What’s a K drama? He asks with a sour face.

 Stephanie hears us and comes out of the kitchen. “Girl you are in trouble! He looks like one of those men you are always drooling over from those shows you watch” She laughs as she continues wiping down the bar.

 “Wait wait, Cat is this going to be a problem?” Devantrea asks his tone serious.

“No no way! I am a professional, he is just really good looking that’s all, he will be nice to look at” I say with confidence even though I slowly realize I am going to be that beautiful man’s boss and I start to feel a little regret. Did I hire him because of his looks? Devantrea wanted to hire him too and its not like he isn’t qualified, actually he may be overqualified.

 “Cat you are going to be his boss though….there isn’t going to be any issues?” Stephanie asks with a hint of a smile.

 “You two are not serious right? You have known me for what 5 years, have I ever had an issue with inappropriate relationships here?”

 “I know honey, we are just teasing you…it will be fine” Stephanie adds with a small smile.

 “Yeah and if there is anything going on, I will just fire him and then problem solved” Devantrea says with a laugh.

 My heart drops. I actually do feel a bit of regret. Is there going to be a problem, will I favor him? Will I be able to treat him like the rest of the crew? Will I pass out if I have to be next to him?  I have never had an issue in all the years I was assistant manager or this last year of being general manager and I had no plans of starting now, so yeah I am good nothing is going to happen.

 Even with all the big talk about not having issues I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of danger lurking around the corner, like I might be in for something I cannot be handle.

Part of me had a feeling that he wasn’t exactly who he said he was. I knew I should probably just leave it alone, but curiosity over ruled and I decided to do a little digging. 

***************************************

One month later…..

I had known Lino’s identity for almost a month now and have been letting little hints slip, seeing if he would crack and tell me himself. I did feel some guilt, I am sure he chose to move to the US and basically create a new life for a reason. He probably doesn’t want people to know who he really is otherwise they may treat him differently or at worst stalk or hurt him. Another part of me, the selfish part felt some sort of thrill knowing who is when nobody else does. I also haven’t sat down to talk to him about it, because to be honest, that man intimidates the hell out of me. He also shamelessly flirts with me which baffles me, why would that gorgeous man want to flirt with me? The worst is that I have caught myself flirting back. 

This could cost me my job if I don’t get it together.

Of course he fit right in, he was quiet but would still joke around with the other kitchen staff, he did a great job and was a fast learner. I mean with the life that he led, learning to make some pizzas was probably the easiest thing he has ever done. All the staff liked working with him and didn’t have any complaints. 

Once I found out who he really was, I watched video after video and soon my little crush grew into some intense desire. The thing is, being around him I can tell he feels the same way, which again baffles me. The tension between us is palpable and I am positive other people are starting to notice.

 On a random Wednesday I decide today is the day. I am going to get him to tell me his real identity. 

 I walk into the kitchen and stand next to him.

***************************************

Minho was mindlessly making pizzas, since it was a slow night  he let his mind wander. Cat has been acting odd towards him the last month. We always flirt back and forth, but it always stops before anything gets weird or intense, she has made it known that her job is important to her and that she will not jeopardize it for anyone. Its also not like either of us has actually came out and said, “Hey wanna fuck?” But the tension has definitely been building and sometimes it is hard to concentrate when she is close and he isn’t going to deny that the desire to bend her over the pizza table and find out what pretty sounds she can make hasn’t crossed his mind. 

He is snapped back to reality when he smells her perfume and feels her standing next to him.

 “So I was watching one of my Korean dramas last night and this song came on at the end”

Minho nods. She has talked about how she enjoys Kdramas. He wasn’t too worried that she would find out his identity through those since he didn’t really have any connection to acting.

 “I thought the song was pretty good, so I went on YouTube to see if I could find it and I started getting all these kpop songs in my recommended” 

Minho nods, but no other reaction

“The music is actually pretty good! I was surprised I just assumed it was just like Korean Backstreet Boys, ya know”

 That made him flinch a bit

 Shit! Has she figured it out? Did she stumble across a picture of him, although he had cut his hair and bulked up a bit, if you were looking you could definitely tell who he was and also “Korean Backstreet Boys” what the fuck!

 “I was wrong though…there is pretty great rapping and the music gets you like pumped up…not to mention the dancing oh my god!” I open up my phone and connect my Bluetooth to the speaker. “Also some songs are…..like sexual, but not in an obvious way”

 Minho gulps. “Yeah a lot of kpop doesn’t openly have sexual lyrics….but yeah some of it can be”. 

What is she getting at?  

 “Have you ever heard this song?” I ask him. I start playing Taste. “I am pretty sure this song is about sex!” I laugh “I also cannot figure out if he is saying “Don’t make me beg or Don’t make me bad” .

 He stops and lays the sauce spoon down as he hears his voice playing loudly through the kitchen. She is hinting at something and he can slowly feel his ears get hot. 

“Can I talk to you…privately Cat?” He says softly with a hint of a smirk.

 I started feeling immediate regret. Fuck I should have just asked him, why did I need to go so far? Now I felt bad. what if I was wrong? What if I have been delusional this whole time and I just made him uncomfortable? I started doubting myself thinking that I wanted it to be true so badly that I made myself believe that he was some famous kpop idol.

 “Oh uh of course��we can go to the office” I stammer out.

 I watch as he starts walking out of the kitchen towards the office. I look at Parker, my eyes wide and he just shrugs his shoulders.

 I follow along behind as he leads the way to my office. I couldn’t read his reaction. Was he embarrassed, or angry or was he just playing along to make me squirm?

*************************************

As he was leading the way to her office he was trying to decide how to play this. Should he just come out and ask or should he deny it and tell her she is crazy. He knew he needed to remain confident not letting her know that she had gotten to him. He decides to take a seat in her chair, giving off the impression that he holds the power and not her, knock her off her game, since she decided to almost out him to the entire kitchen staff.

 He walks straight into my office and immediately sits in my chair as I stand awkwardly staring at him. I had no idea what to say. He was staring at me, his eyes squinted and his mouth a thin line.

 “When did you figure it out Cat?” He says quietly

 “About a month ago….” I reply my eyes downcast

 “And instead of just pulling me aside and asking you decide to play one of my songs and ask if it is about sex?” He says while crossing his arms across his chest.

 I could actually hear a bit of smile in his voice, so I lift my eyes. “Blowjobs specifically” I say quickly, my eyes not leaving his. I could feel the tension between us, so thick. His eyes were burning into me and this time I wasn’t relenting.

 What was I doing? The power shift between us had thrown me for a loop and I could feel my entire body on fire. Our eyes unmoving from each other like we could both see what the other wanted, but still unwilling to give in. I could feel the coiling of desire in the pit of my stomach. I wanted him, I wanted him so fucking bad and I knew he was feeling it too.

 “We need to sit down and talk…not at work….there are some things we need to discuss” he says firmly

 “Yeah I guess we do” I whisper

 He stands up slowly and moves to stand in front of me. I could feel the heat of his body and I was trembling.

 “Lets go get a drink tonight?” he asks.

 I nod.

 “Its make me bad, by the way….but it does sound like I am singing make me beg, doesn’t it?” He smiles as he opens the door and walks out.

**************************************

Minho lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding as he shuts the door leaving you in the office . Fuck! He couldn’t decide whether he was angry that you didn’t just ask him who he was or if that scene in the office that made his dick hard under his chefs pants, just made him so flustered that he was angry. Either way, he was going to play it like it didn’t get to him, that the desire to push you against the desk and kiss you until you couldn’t remember his name consumed him and walking out of that office was one of the hardest things he had done. The fact that he knows you feel the same makes his dick even harder.

*************************************

 I made it through the rest of work in a daze. My nerves frazzled. Not sure what his reaction meant. He seemed like he was playing with me, sitting in my chair, like a power play letting me know that what I found out did not bother him. When he looked at me with those eyes and full lips all I could think about is those lips on mine, his hands all over my body taking whatever he wants. I know he knows that, he knows that it takes everything in me to not give in and he relishes in it.

At close I went into the kitchen to check out all the stations. I meticulously checked each station purposely avoiding his station, not ready to face the tension and look into his eyes, but there he was leaning against the pizza station scrolling through his phone acting as if that scene in the office never happened. When he saw me he looked up and gave me a dazzling smile making my knees weak.

 “I am all done boss, everything look good?” He says while grabbing his backpack and starts rummaging through it.I look around and see that everything was in order.

 “Yep you are good” he nods and continues looking through his back pack. I check everyone else out and they start filing out of the kitchen. He is holding back, I know he is waiting for the others to leave before he approaches me. I stop to grab a few things that need to go back to the office and I feel him behind me. 

**************************************

 As she is checking all the other stations out he decides to play with her a little more once everyone else had left. He walks up behind her, making sure she knows that he is there, but not actually touching her. He wants to make her squirm, make her realize how badly she wants him.

 “There is a bar up the street…its quiet we can meet there” he whispers, still standing behind me, I can feel his breath on the back of my ear, causing me to shiver. I swallow and nod slowly.

 “See you there” he says while pivoting around me and tossing his backpack over his shoulder.

**************************************

I walk into the dimly lit bar and see him immediately, sitting by himself at a table in the corner. He has a drink in front of of him and is reading the menu. I take a deep breath and walk over to the table and sit down without saying a word. He looks up and flashes that smile.

 “Hi boss” he says

 “Ok enough of that, we are not at work” I scoff. He smiles and sets the menu down and leans forward on his elbows.

 “Ask me anything I know you have questions” he says, his look turning serious.

 I take a deep breath ready to just let out all the information I had found out, leaving out the details about how watching him dance did something to you, made you shiver thinking about how he would feel against your body. How those hips could grind against you or how his thighs would feel between your legs. 

“So your name is Lee Minho, stage name Lee Know and you were the dance leader and a vocalist for the Stray Kids?” I say matter of factly

 He nods. “How did you figure it out?”

 “Honestly it wasn’t that difficult. When I first hired you I couldn’t believe someone that looks like you would want to work at some little pizza place and then when you said you were going to university, my first thought was 30 is late to start college, I had some theories and I started to do some research”

“What were your theories?” he says, scooting closer a mischievous smile on his handsome face.

 “Well at first I thought you were some K drama actor who came to the United States to flee from some scandal….I watch a lot of dramas so I started going through You Tube and google trying to find something, but  nothing turned up”

 He is smiling. “So that’s why everybody started calling me Kdrama as a nickname?”

 I blush. “I just told people you look like a K drama actor and I guess they just went with it and then you started answering to it…so I guess it stuck”

 “Go on” He continues with a playful smile.

 “I was researching so much stuff on kdramas that I started getting stuff about kpop on my recommended on you tube so I put the name you gave us and kpop in google and there was your face obviously with a different name, but sounds the same…..I did quite of bit of digging because I didn’t think that this could actually be possible, but the more I watched the videos and all the you tube stuff of you talking, walking, your mannerisms I was about 99 percent sure. Then I looked up information on stray kids and all the members were accounted for except for you and one other member, it said there was rumors that you had moved to America or Australia….I just put it all together”

 He was listening intensely, not interrupting and he had an amused look on his face. 

“Ok well it sounds like you are quite the detective, I knew there would be a possibility of my identity being found out and I told myself I would deal with it when it happened. You need to promise that you will not tell anyone, I am enjoying my life right now” His voice sounding sad. But he quickly shakes his head and with a smile asks “What do you want to drink?” And motions for the server to come over. 

 The server basically runs over to our table. I noticed that she had been staring at him for the last few minutes. She starts smiling and fawning over him. I internally roll my eyes, but I understand he is drop dead gorgeous and has charisma and confidence, its hard to not be attracted to him. I feel a pang of jealousy when he starts flirting back with her, telling her he likes her earrings.

**************************************

Minho knew that flirting with the server would get Cat flustered and he glanced over to her while talking to the server and notices the soft blush on her cheeks and the glint of jealousy in her eyes. Seeing her like that sent him over the edge, how beautiful she looked when she was angry, but trying so hard to hide it. He wanted to see that pretty pink blush on her cheeks as he has her laid out in his bed, kissing every inch of her making her moan his name.

 “So….what do you want to drink?” He smirks as if he knows that I was a little jealous at the attention he was giving the server.

 “I am good” I say curtly.

 He frowns. “Come on Cat you have to have at least one drink with me”

 The server is looking down at me, I could see the annoyance in her eyes and I have to admit it felt pretty damn good to know that I am the one sitting here with literally the most gorgeous man in the room.

“Fine, dirty grey goose martini, three olives” I say with a smug smile.

 She glances one more time at Minho as he raises his glass indicating he wants another one, she huffs turning and walking back to the bar.

 “You fucking love the attention? You know they are all looking at you, flirting with you” I say while shaking my head in disbelief.

 “Of course I do” he says while taking a sip of his drink. “I was an idol for years, I sometimes miss the attention”

 “So why did you…just leave?”

 “That…is a long story for another time, but I promise I will tell you all about it someday” He finishes his drink as the server brings our next round, all but slamming it down in front of me. I giggle a little as she walks away.

 We sit and chat for a little while, sipping at our drinks. We don’t talk about anything important, I got the feeling he didn’t really want to talk about his past with me yet, so he asked me a lot of questions about my career. 

After our drinks were almost empty he hits me with “Why don’t we go back to my place, we can finish talking”

 “Uh you know that is not a good idea”

 “Oh come on Cat! You found out who I really am…..you still don’t want me? I am getting impatient since I know you feel the same” He adds a little pout at the end of his sentence

 Taken aback from his bluntness. “What? Lino of course I cannot be interested in you I am your boss…it’s inappropriate, I could lose my job”

 “Your not interested at all?…. nobody will have to know” he says with a coy smile. That pretty pink blush had covered her whole face, he could practically feel the neediness radiating off of her, but still she holds back.

 Fuck! His words go straight to my core. I was on the verge of quitting my job and just letting him have his way with me. Seeing him dance in the videos had me feeling something and if I didn’t have any will power at all I would have fucked that man a month ago.

 He sighs deeply. “Ok fine, it can be completely innocent, I enjoy talking with you. I know you have more questions and I want to know more about you, plus you can meet my bratty roommate”

 Should I? he had me questioning everything. Could I just go hang out with him in his apartment with him and his roommate and not have anything happen?

 “Does…your roommate know who you are?” I ask shyly

 His face lights up and he rolls his eyes a little. “Of course he does…my roommate is Jeongin”

 “Oh” I say flatly

 “Come on…you will love him, he is a fucking brat, but is super sweet and he already knows about you”

 My mind keeps telling me no, this is not a good idea at all, but the thought of meeting the maknae who was honestly also gorgeous from the videos I watched. Also, I did really enjoy talking to him, the conversation flowed and it felt comfortable. I was also still curious and wanted to know more. 

In my heart I knew this probably wasn’t going to be a good idea, but my body had me convinced and it was beginning to become very hard to resist what my body was telling me.

 I sigh and I see him smile, knowing he has me convinced.

 “Fine, but we are just going to talk and chill nothing else” I say

 He puts his hands up. “Absolutely, I will in no way try to seduce you”

 “I am serious, you could cost me my job” I say trying my best to look convincing

 “Ok Ok I pinky promise” he holds out his pinky, grabbing my hand and forcing me to pinky promise him. I shake my head and laugh. “Ok give me your address” I grab my drink and quickly gulp it down, liquid courage I told myself.

My heart is racing as I set his address into my gps, my hands were shaking so bad that I had to type in the numbers three times before I got it right. 

What was I doing? 

I knew there was no way I would be able to stop if he starts something, my panties were already wet with just the thought of him and I knew if he touched me I would be a goner. Part of me thought, Ill just text him and tell him I changed my mind and it wasn’t a good idea, but a bigger part of me, obviously the horny and needy part of me told me to just go and deal with the consequences later. Of course that part won as I started pulling out of the parking lot heading in the direction of his apartment.

**************************************

Minho couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he quickly sent Jeongin a text letting him know they were having company and to be decent when they arrived. He responded with a thumbs up and that didn’t give him much hope, Jeongin had assimilated well into American society and has found a new hobby in video games and sex. Even though Minho isn’t an idol anymore he still tries to keep his body fit and still found time to dance, he didn’t want to lose that part of himself completely. Jeongin on the other hand although, still keeping his body fit he uses it to fuck anything with a pussy or an ass, he is not picky. He said that as an idol he never had the freedom to do what he wanted, so he is making up for lost time.

Minho will admit, Jeongin is sexy as fuck and knows how to flirt and get what he wants, he can definitely see why he has so much success in that department. Jeongin has offered to help Minho get laid, but up until now he hadn’t really had much desire, and of course Minho had plenty of girls he has slept with over the years in secret when he was an idol and of course the experimenting the group members they had all done over the years of training to let off some steam.

Jeongin was always there for him when Minho felt lonely and needy, many nights Jeongin letting Minho fuck him into the mattress always being so good for him, but Minho knew that him and jeongin were not a couple and never could be. Jeongin is in his playboy phase and wants to have fun, Minho wanting more and trying to find a intimate connection with someone.

He pulls into his parking lot, locking his car and walking up to your car with a smile on his face. You step out of your vehicle, still apprehensive about where this night is heading, your brain is clouded with curiosity and lust. You follow Minho as he leads you into the impressive apartment complex, you figure he still got that idol money. As you enter the elevator and Minho is telling you about his roommate, but your not really listening cause your brain is roaring with nerves and you cannot focus on anything except the fact that you are really going into this beautiful man’s apartment and absolutely nothing sexual can happen even though you know you both really want it to.

**************************************

Minho leads the way to his door and makes quick work of unlocking it, he steps inside and moves over gesturing with his hand to come in. You watch as he takes his shoes off and you realize that’s what you need to do also, you toe your shoes off and scoot them next to his on the mat. You are trying to focus on all of the little things, take shoes off, take coat off, hang on hook so you don’t have to look up at Minho who you know is staring at you and then you will have to think about the next step. Are we going into his room? Is is going to offer me alcohol? I can’t get drunk, Ill do something stupid. Your brain is malfunctioning and your hands are shaking. You finally get up the courage to look at Minho who is standing there with a soft smile of his face almost like he is amused by your emotional state right now. Is he going through the same thing I am right now? Is he just hiding it better?

“You want to meet my roommate? He says while turning towards the living room. You could hear the sound of a television, maybe a video game. You follow quietly as you hear Minho yell out something in Korean, you are taken aback for a second since you had yet to hear him speak in his native language in person, you almost forgot that he is in fact Korean and are also a bit surprised and embarrassed about how your body responded to his voice and the language. You would have never guessed that hearing his voice speak in his native tongue would make you feel even needier than you already felt. You had heard of people having voice or language kinks, but you never understood it until this very moment.

 With your face red you follow him into the living room where another beautiful man was standing shirtless with almost a full sleeve of tattoos and just loose shorts on holding a game controller, his black hair pulled back into a short ponytail.

 “Jeongin! I told you to be decent” Minho yells at the other man.

 “I did…I put pants on” Jeongin responds as he turns to look at us, his face breaking out into a smile that reached his beautiful fox like eyes.

 “Well Hello there, Min didn’t tell me that you were this pretty” he says with a wink. I of course blush, even though I didn’t think my face could possibly get any redder.

 “Ok Innie chill out” Minho huffs. “Come on we can go in my room, do you want something to drink?” He looks to me smiling sweetly.

 “Uh um do you think that’s a good idea?” I ask still very unsure of myself and the situation I had gotten myself into.

 “You kids be good, keep the door open” Jeongin laughs. He had a cute giggle.

 “Yeah yeah it will be fine, I promise Ill keep my hands to myself” Minho smirks as he motions for me to follow him.

My body follows him before my brain could react. Shit! If I don’t start thinking before I act this is not going to end well. I need to get it together otherwise I will let this man do whatever the hell he wants and if the other beautiful man wants to join I’d let him.

 I was fucked.

**************************************

 Minho smiles to himself as he leads her to his room. He promised he wouldn’t try anything, but his fingers were crossed in his mind. He knows she wants him as bad as he does, he just needs to convince her brain.

We enter his room, it is clean and tidy. He has some pictures hanging up so I walk over to examine them, trying so hard to not sit on his bed like I know he is going to ask. There were a mixture of obvious professional group pictures and some more casual pictures that probably one of the group members took. They were all so beautiful, it was crazy that there could be so many beautiful, sexy talented men in one group. They were all literally flawless, even in the amateur photos.

 “Do you want to sit down” Minho asks while taking a seat on the bed.

 “Nope” I say quickly and he huffs out a laugh, a laugh I recognize from some of the interviews and clips I watched.

 “Ok well just stand there and look at the pictures then, I am going to get us something to drink….I have vodka I don’t know how to make a martini, but I can make a mean vodka orange juice” He quirks his eyebrow with a smile.

 Oh he thinks he is so cute. Trying so hard to get my guard down, so he can swoop in and get me naked. Not gonna happen. 

I am in control of this, I can control myself.

 Minho could tell she was unsure. He needed to reassure her, make her feel comfortable. He really didn’t want her to leave so in order to get her to stay he was going to have to take a step back. He walks out to the kitchen to make the drinks.

 Jeongin playing his game looks up “How’s it going Hyung….that was quick” He laughs his fox eyes twinkling.

 “Shut it, its not like that…” Minho responds while pouring the drinks.

 “Oh ok sure Hyung” Jeongin rolls his eyes and returns his attention back to his game.

Fucking brat. Minho walks back into the room and is happy to see that Cat had finally sat down, but she had her arms crossed in front of her, looking very stiff and kind of scared. Poor thing.

*************************************

 Since Minho was out in the kitchen I realized that I am an adult and standing around trying to avoid him is not going to work. I am going to have to work through these inappropriate thoughts, because I still have to work with him.  

 He has a smile on his face when his walks in, holding two drinks in his hands. He hands me one and sits down on the bed, actually sitting farther away than what I thought he would. Maybe he is trying to play the long game. I take a sip of the drink he handed to me and was surprised it actually tasted nice, not too strong.

 “Listen Cat, I am not going to try anything, you have made it very clear that your job is important to you and you don’t want to jeopardize that so I promise I will keep my distance and we can just talk, ok” He turns towards me, sitting fully on the bed with his legs crossed and I won’t lie it was difficult to not look at his thick thighs.

 I nod and take a deep breath. “Ok Lino…” I say then trail off not knowing what to say next.

 “When we aren’t at work you can call me Minho, Lino sounds too much like my stage name” He says with a smile

 “So did you pick the name Lino?” I ask.

 “Well kind of” He says scooting a little closer to me. It was fine, he was still keeping his distance.

 After I started asking him questions about his life and career, the conversation flowed very easily. We were laughing and I didn’t even notice that he was sitting much closer, his knee almost touching mine. He was funny and had so many stories from his time as an idol and about the other group members. Some of the stories from his days as a trainee were actually heartbreaking. When he told the story about him being eliminated I was almost in tears and made a mental note to watch the clip later.

 It was fun talking to Cat. She was sweet, but so sure of herself. He found himself scooting a little closer to her, but she didn’t seem to mind, he wasn’t even sure she noticed. He wanted so badly to be close to her, to touch her but she was still keeping her distance.

 “You used to flirt with me all the time before you knew who I was, what changed?” Minho decided to just ask her.

 I took a deep breath. Fuck here we go. “I don’t know why I was flirting, I shouldn’t have been, but it was hard, I mean I am attracted to you, I was before I knew and even more afterwards. I couldn’t believe a man that looks like you was interested in me” I finish and gulp down the rest of my second vodka orange juice and I could definitely feel the warmth of the liquor make its way to my brain.

 “I am sorry for putting you in that position Cat and what do you mean someone like you? You are sexy and confident, its crazy attractive” He says while his eyes roam over my body.

 I felt hot under his gaze, he was looking at me with such lust it was hard to not just jump in his lap and shove my tongue down his damn throat. 

No! I was an adult and I was in control, but the boozy part of my brain was telling me that nobody has to know, we could easily sleep together and nobody would be none the wiser.

 “Cat….you want another drink?” He asks taking the empty glass from my hand.

 “Uh no where is your bathroom?” I blurt out, needing to get out the room, the tension is stifling. Everything was fine 20 minutes ago, we were talking, hanging out and then all that damn sexual tension happened again.

 “Oh yeah its right out the door to your left” he says with a little half smirk

 I jump up way too quickly, but pull myself together and walk to the bathroom. Once inside I stare at myself in the mirror. What are you doing? This is going to end badly, just leave, tell him the vodka is making you sick. Just come up with an excuse and leave. Of course my brain has almost totally shut off at this point and I let my body lead me out of the bathroom.

I open the door to the room and am met with Minho in a black tank top, he had obviously just taken off his hoody, but fuck. He was putting some clothes away so he didn’t turn to me right away. I just stood there watching him move, his arm muscles flexing. The tank top was stretched over his pecs. He had a few tattoos also, it looked like one on each of his biceps and one on his shoulder blade. He looked divine, like sex itself and it was then that I knew I was fucked.

 I was most certainly not in control of this and I am most certainly not going to be able to control myself.

 I had to stay now, I had to feel what his body felt like, I needed to hear his voice in my ear coaxing me to cum for him. I wanted his hands everywhere. He turns to look at me standing in the doorway my eyes probably glazed over.

 “Hey” he says simply and he smiles a knowing smile. He knew he had me now.

 “Hey” I breathe out. “You um lost your shirt” My voice was almost whiny at this point.

 “Yeah I was hot” He says, still staring at me, a half smirk on his pretty face.

 “I thought you didn’t show skin” I said not even sure what I was saying at this point.

 He chuckles, that laugh that I was really starting to like. “Yeah, maybe”

 “You coming back in?” He asks standing up straight holding his hand out to me. Then he gives me a direction in Korean and I swear my mind short circuits a little.

 “What” I gasp

 Now he almost laughs out loud. “You didn’t think I didn’t notice how you reacted when I spoke to Jeongin, it’s a voice kink a lot of people have it.” He is teasing now, but I felt hot all over, I could feel the wetness in my panties. What the fuck is happening to me, he like a drug that I am being peer pressured to try. But I want it so bad, I can literally feel it in my throbbing core.

 “I-I don’t think I have that” I say, knowing I sound so stupid and I am literally trying everything to not rip the rest of his clothes off.

 He walks closer to me. “Yeah, maybe…but I think I told you to shut the door” He says with a smirk.

 I tilt my head in confusion. “You did?”

 He quirks his eyebrow, “Yeah….”

 “Oh” is all I could muster. I felt like I might faint, I was so hot all my nerves were on fire. I felt like one touch from this man in the right place I would be cumming harder than I have in my life.

 “Now shut the door and come here” he says firmly.

 And I do. I close the door, sealing my fate. I just stand there, not knowing what to do, where to put my hands except on him. He walks over to me, putting one arm on the wall next to me, almost caging me in but he still left an opening on the other side, but I wasn’t going to take it. I was in now, my decision was made, but it couldn’t hurt to not let him know that I wasn’t completely convinced.

 He tilts his head and leans down. his lips are so close now, all I had to do was lean forward and our lips would be touching. Instead he turns his head and places a kiss on my neck, running his other hand down my arm, causing goosebumps to form.

 I let out a shaky breath as he pulls back. “Tell me to stop and I will” he murmurs then leans forward again, hovering over my lips again, his eyes searching mine his lips parted. His pupils are blown and there is a hunger in his eyes. He slowly leans in and kisses me on the lips and I felt like my whole body was a live wire. He pulls back slowly, but I close the gap again and kiss him letting my tongue lick along the seam of his lips, he lets me in tilting his head deepening the kiss. I moan softly as I feel his hand squeeze my waist.

 He pulls back and rests his forehead on mine, I am almost breathless at this point.

 He smiles. “Finally….you really made me work for that”

 “I could stop it all right now” I breath out unconvincingly

“Do you want to stop” his lips ghost over my neck again and I couldn’t help the gasp I let out, shutting my eyes as his lips roam over my exposed neck.

 “All those pretty sounds your making……doesn’t sound like you want me to stop” he says and I can feel him smile against my skin.

 I hear him whispering to me again in Korean, making my breath hitch and my chest heave. How the fuck is this having this kind of effect on me? I could not wrap my head around it at all. He could literally be reciting his grocery list and I would not have a clue and it wouldn’t matter his voice sounded so smooth and silky causing goosebumps to form and wetness to pool in my panties.

 His hand hand slides down my waist and settles on my hip, he slowly kneads the skin through my jeans and then goes down grabbing my thigh and lifting it up and pressing himself against me.

 “Oh…fuck” I gasp when I feel him roll his hips into my clothed core, I could feel him rock hard under his joggers. He leans in again kissing me, we are both breathless, tilting our heads are tongues twisting together and another moan leaves my lips. Fuck! all those years of dancing coming in to play.

 “Feel good?” He murmurs

 I hum in response my brain not being able to form words at this point.

 “I can make you feel even better….all you gotta do is say the word” He whispers and kisses the shell of my ear. He rolls his hips into me again, causing my head to fall back. He takes that opportunity to nip at my exposed throat.

 “Tell me” He murmurs taking my mouth again, pressing into me. I almost felt like I was about to cum just like this

 “Fuck! Minho….” I groan as those hips keep rolling into me, causing more wetness to pool, my panties had got to be soaked by this point.

“I can’t hear you” He chuckles

 “Y-yes…please keep going” I groan

 “Good girl” He says as he turns me, leading me towards the bed, our mouths still moving against each other. I feel the bed behind me so I sit down pulling him with me. He giggles as he pulls away to pull his tank top off. I stare up at him, admiring his hard pecs and firm six pack.

 “Damn” I whisper

 “Yeah…just wait” he chuckles

 He makes quick work of pulling my jeans off and then pulling my shirt over my head and unsnapping my bra with ease. It was a whirlwind and within seconds I was almost completely naked, except for my panties. His fingers find my soaking slit, pulling my panties to the side he runs his fingers through my wet folds, eliciting a moan from me.

 “You are so wet, probably been like this the whole time” he says while pulling my panties down over my ass and down my legs. He begins kissing my inner thighs, my clit throbbing for attention. I felt like one touch, one lick and I would be cumming all over his face.

 He doesn’t touch though, he goes straight in moaning into my pussy. Devouring it, sucking my clit into his mouth and swirling his tongue around the swollen nub, once he enters two fingers into my dripping hole I was careening towards an orgasm. I don’t think I had ever cum this fast before. I was grinding on his fingers and he was moaning like this was the best meal he had ever had. My legs start shaking as everything goes white and my eyes roll back arching off the bed, white hot heat envelopes my whole body.

 He licks me through my orgasm until I am squirming with over stimulation.

 “Fuuuck Minho, that was insane” I cry out and I hear him chuckle as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He begins kissing up my body, stopping at my nipples and swirling his tongue around the pebbled peaks.

 “That was quick” he murmurs as his mouth finds mine,  I could taste myself on him. “You taste just as sweet as I thought you would”

 “Please just fuck me Minho” I whine out

“Of course baby, wouldn’t dream of making you wait any longer” he reaches over to his night stand grabbing a condom out of the drawer. I am laying on my back, holding myself up with my arms behind me. I have never felt the need to be fucked as I felt at that moment. He is standing on his knees between my legs, he carefully pulls his pants off while barely moving off the bed. His coordination was really mind blowing. His erection springs forward and my eyes widen. I honestly didn’t expect him to be that big, he definitely had big dick energy, but damn.

 “I told you to just wait and see” he smirks as he rolls the condom over his impressive length.

 “You ready” He says as he hovers over my hole. Suddenly I got a little gun shy. He was pretty big, I don’t think I had ever had one that big.

He leans down to kiss me. Pulling back to smooth my hair out of my face. “I will go slow…..until you tell me not too, ok”

 He actually was pretty cocky, but in a confident sexy way. He knew who he was and was proud of it.

 I nod and he lines himself up with my soaking hole. He enters me slowly and the stretch took me by surprise and caused me to gasp a little.

 “Just breathe ok, I got you” He murmurs while placing soft kisses along my neck.

 He slowly pushes forward until he is finally fully seated inside of me and I could feel every vein in that cock.

 “Fuck…you are tight” He groans. “Tell me when your ready”

I nod and when he rolls his hips I swear I could see stars, there was some pain but it was subsiding to a intense pleasure and I could feel more wetness leak out of me.

 I am a moaning mess under him as he rolls his hips over and over. I wrap my legs around his back as his arms go under my shoulders using them as leverage. He continues those slow steady strokes, while kissing me and dipping down to pull a nipple in his mouth. I needed more, I was grinding up to meet his thrusts.

 “You can go harder” I whisper.

 “Are you sure” he murmurs back.

 I nod my head.

 He huffs out that adorable chuckle. “Ok, but when you start screaming I might have to muffle you”

 I kind of roll my eyes, but once he puts my leg over his shoulder and pulls all the way out and slams back in and I could feel him in my guts I did scream, loudly.

He begins a relentless pounding that had my eyes rolling back and I couldn’t stop the whines and moans that came out of my mouth. My hands clawing at his back as his cock hit that special spot, making my mind go blank.  I was getting close again. “M-minho…getting close” I moan out

 “Ok baby” he reaches between us as he roughly rubs my clit and I felt my body go taut.

 “That’s right baby, just like that…let go for me….you can be as loud as you want”

 The orgasm that washes over me, was one that I have never felt before. I was shaking underneath him and moaning his name like a prayer.  The aftershocks seem to be never ending

 “God you feel so good…clenching me so good….. getting so close” He groans gripping my hips tightly as he buries himself deep in me, I feel him throb inside of me, he groans into my neck as he shoots his release into the condom.

 I was literally shaking as he held me. I had never had sex like that before and when his face came into my view and leaned in to kiss me softly.

 “Are you ok?” He whispers

 “Yeah…I um think I am good” I say quietly

 “You wont be in a minute” He murmurs

 “Huh? What do you mean?” I ask squinting my eyes

 He takes a deep breath. “We were just consumed with a lot of need and desire and as you come down from that high that sex takes you to, you will feel guilty for doing this”

 “No I wont” I say firmly

 “Ok…I believe you” He whispers. Rolling over and standing up to get a towel.

 After a few minutes I realized he was right. Fuck! What did we just do? I am going to lose my job. Anxiety rattled my brain.

 I knew I should have left when I went to the bathroom.

***************************************

“Just spend the night” Minho whines into my mouth.

 “No I have to work early in the morning” I say back as I push away from him to find my clothes.

 “Come on I can make you cum all night, just stay…please” He was almost begging at this point.

 “No” I say firmly as I pull on my pants.

 “You just gonna let me blow your mind and then leave me” he says with a smile.

 I roll my eyes, “You really are kind of cocky aren’t you?”

 “Yeah a little, but I know you blew my mind so I am assuming I did too”

 “it doesn’t matter, I have to work…..um is your roommate still out there?” Suddenly feeling shy at my previous ministrations, he definitely heard us.

“Nah he is probably asleep by now, he usually passes out on the couch while playing video games. Come on I will walk you out” He says while taking my hand.

 I let him lead me towards the door. I glance over and see Jeongin asleep on the couch, still in only shorts. He has his arm over his face. Kind of adorable.

 “See told you, sound asleep” he whispers pulling me closer to him and leaning down to kiss me deeply. I melt into the kiss and let him run his hands along my sides.

 I giggle as I pull away, “Ok Minho I need to go” I gasp

 He pouts a little, but lets me go. As I am walking to the elevator he blows me a kiss and then makes one of those finger hearts and I roll my eyes at his cuteness.

**************************************

Minho stood at the doorway watching her step into the elevator. He turns back into his apartment and softly closing the door.

 “Sounds like you had fun” Jeongins voice cuts through the quiet

 “Fuck Innie! I thought you were asleep” Minho yelps

 “Nope just a little warn out” he smirks

 That is when Minho notices the Kleenex laying on the floor.

 “Eeew! Did you seriously jack off to us fucking” Minho cries out. “Unbelievable”

 “What can I say you still sound so pretty…I miss you sometimes” Jeongin says with a pout

 “Jesus Innie, you really are such a little slut” Minho laughs as he pulls a bottle of water out of the fridge.

 “You have no problem getting laid pretty much on the daily” Minho takes a big gulp of his water

 “Yeah I know, but sometimes I like what is familiar” Innie says softly

 Minho laughs out loud. “You are just wanting what you cant have especially since I am getting laid now”

 “hey that’s not fair, when were debuting, training touring working our asses off you were fucking all the time, I was a good little idol and didn’t do anything I wasn’t supposed to” Innie says standing up to head to his room.

 “I Know Innie, I am sorry but what we were doing is in the past, you know it couldn’t work and that is why we came to the agreement we did”

 “I know…I just miss you sometimes” Innies says quietly and then shuts his door.

Minho takes a deep breath, the last thing I need right now is Jeongin getting all emotional. I just fucked my boss and it was amazing and now I have no idea how to go about this. She is probably going to hate me now, I guess I can’t blame her I was blinded by my desire and now all I feel is guilt.

 He lays down on his bed, her smell still lingering and images of what just happened just 20 minutes ago, running through his head. That was so amazing and it is going to be so hard to not want to do it again.

**************************************

I sat down in my car, pounding my fists into the steering wheel. “Ugh why did I just do that” I scream out to nothing.

 I am so screwed how am I going to go about this? This cannot happen again, if anybody finds out I would be in so much trouble. I am just going to have to avoid him, pretend it never happened. Fuck! There is no way I could pretend that didn’t happen, that was the best sex I had ever had and I am going to probably get wet the minute I see him again, probably beg him to fuck me over the desk at work. No way! I cannot not let that happen. I work mostly days this week, so I shouldn’t work with him until the weekend. It will be fine, by the time I see him the desire will wear off. I put my car in gear and make the drive back to my apartment.

 That is what I did for the next two weeks, avoid and hide. I would leave before he got to work. I even switched a shift on the weekend so I didn’t have to work with him. Thankfully he didn’t have any of my contact information so the only way to talk with me was at work. It was working, I was fine and when I did finally have to see him it would be out of my system.

**************************************

Chan answered on the second ring. Minho rarely face timed anyone, so Chan was surprised to hear from him. Chan was greeted by a sad Minho who needed to shave.

 “Damn Min what the hell happened to you”

 “My fucking boss happened to me” Minho spits out.

 “Oh yeah that one you had a crush on, right?”

 “Yeah that one, well two weeks ago we finally hooked up and man it was fucking amazing. I knew that she could get in trouble, but the tension was just so intense, it just happened”

 “Ok…so it sounds like you got what you wanted”

 “No Hyung! She hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks! She avoids me and I am pretty sure she switched a shift so she didn’t have to work with me. I think I fucked up Hyung! She is driving me fucking crazy, I can’t stop thinking about her, the way she looks, the way she smells, the way she looked underneath me when I fucked her” Minho is babbling, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t talk to Jeongin about it because he would get all mopey and weird and the feelings have been consuming him.

 “Ok so make her talk to you” Chan clears his throat. “Just pull her aside and make her talk to you, no matter what you guys need to talk about what happened, right?”

 “Yeah….but what do I do just pull her into a closet, wait for her to get to work or something” Minho asks

 “Well….yeah but not like creepy or stalkerish.” Chan laughs

 “Ok I guess I can try, I think we work together tomorrow unless she switches shifts again”

 “Ok well there you go, just talk to her”

 “Thanks Hyung” Minho averts his eyes

 “Aww our little devil is in love” Chan coos

 “Shut up, Hyung” Minho bites back, but smiles knowing that Chan is probably right.

**************************************

I sat in the office and looked at the schedule and see that Minho is scheduled tonight, he will be here at 4. No more avoiding, I guess I am going to have to face him.

 Devontrae walks into the office. “What’s up Cat?”

 “Uh not much, hey does the other location need cooks?”

 “Maybe, why?” Devontrae continues rifling through the file cabinets.

 “Just wondering, could we get someone transferred there if needed”

 With that he looks up giving me a curious expression. “Who?”

 “Lino” I say simply

 “Kdrama? I thought he was doing a good job here?” He tilts his head in confusion, his eyes questioning, I almost could feel like he knew what I had done.

 “Yeah I just don’t like him, he is kind of cocky and I feel like he would fit in better there”

 He laughs. “Come on you know we cant just send someone over to our other location because we don’t like them, plus it has to be something that he wants. Has he asked to be transferred?”

 “No” I say staring at the ceiling, not wanting him to see my face.

 “Is there something I need to know, Cat?”

 “No! I just don’t like him I think he is a jerk, but whatever I will make it work, it will be fine” I stand up quickly and walk out the door before he could say another word. 

Good job Cat! You weren’t obvious or anything. I check the time and realize Minho will be here in 20 mins. Fuck! I need to hide. God I sound like a fucking middle schooler, I duck into the women’s bathroom anyway to hide in my shame.

After about 30 minutes of sitting in the stall on my phone, doing what? Of course watching fucking videos of Minho. God I was seriously pathetic. I am actively trying to avoid this dude, who was famous in another life, but I am watching him dance on screen and with every hip roll I am brought back to that night. 

This is ok, I can lust for him from afar, nobody needs to know, this is my secret, this is my shame. I emerged from the bathroom after I knew Minho would arrive and be tucked back into the kitchen. 

Of course I run into Stephanie, “Hey girl, where have you been hiding?”

 “I wasn’t hiding! Why would I hide?” I say this way too quickly and Stephanie gives me a weird look.

 “Ok…can you cash me out I gotta get outta here”

 I didn’t have any friends outside of work, I had my sisters, but they were way older than me and we were not really close. Stephanie was the closest friend I had and I couldn’t talk to her, since she worked here. How badly I wanted to blurt out that I banged Minho and confess to her that I can’t look at him again, because I might lose my job. I couldn’t, so I just buried my secret and went about my day.

Once the shift began and dinner rush came I was able to focus on work, since it was a Saturday, Samantha managed with me, so I told her to take care of any kitchen issues and I will stay up front. She was fine with this, since the kitchen was where she thrived. Minho wasn’t closing so I didn’t have to worry about that, he would be long gone before I needed to be back in the kitchen. I felt ok about it, another day was a successful attempt at avoidance.

 Around 8 pm the dinner rush was winding down and Samantha came to me letting me know she was going to start phasing the kitchen.

 “So I am going to phase, Minho is closing for Parker. I guess he has a date or something” She says this as she is wiping off the server board. I felt the icy fear in my veins and I felt like all color drained from my face.

 “Um….so Minho is closing?” I say nervously

 “Yeah, Parker has a date. Its fine, its not like he will get overtime or anything. You still got Ace and David closing with him”

 “Yeah of course, its fine, all good” I say while turning on my heel and running to the office.

 Should I fake sick? Tell Samantha I needed to leave and she would have to close. I sat down on the chair, staring off into space. I am going to have to face him. There was no helping it now, my attempts at avoiding were no more. I am going to have to just tell him that what we did was amazing, but a one time thing that could never happen again and move on with my life.

 I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, I had successfully avoided seeing him all night. I stayed away from the bar so I couldn’t even see him through the window and he couldn’t see me. I refused to look at the pizza station when I went to the expo window, but I swear I could feel his eyes on me. Now sitting in the office watching the cameras and seeing the guys finishing up their closing work I knew any minute now they would be coming to get me to check them out and I would have to see him and undoubtedly talk to him.

 I felt sick to my stomach. Was I having a panic attack? My heart was racing, I felt a lump in my throat and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking as I watched David on the camera walking towards the office. I felt like I was walking into a vat of lava, but I stood up to meet him at the door.

 “Oh ok Cat we are all ready, except Minho is dragging his feet” David says while clocking out.

 Fuck! Of course he was. He is trying to get me alone I know it, he is probably hurt possibly a little pissed since I pretty much ghosted him and a drop dead gorgeous guy like him has probably never been ghosted before.

 “Ok sounds good David, I am sure your stuff is fine I trust you” I say nervously

 “You don’t want to go check” He responds with a confused head tilt.

 “Nah I am sure you are good, I have some stuff I need to get done in here”

 “Ok well then have a good night”

 “You too David”

 I don’t know what I accomplished doing that. Either way I was now alone in the damn building with the man that I have been avoiding and I just put us basically in the plot of a cheesy porn.  I had to wait, I couldn’t leave before him, I had to set the alarms and lock the doors, he will be in this office any second.

I watch the cameras as Minho turns off the light and glances up at the camera, winking. I duck down thinking he could see me, Oh my god I am losing my fucking mind. How the in the hell did he know I was watching? I am so fucked, I take deep breath. Maybe I could hide in the bathroom and just tell him to just go ahead and leave, he wouldn’t walk into the bathroom would he? I stand up quickly making the decision to run to the bathroom, but of course as soon as I open the door I crash right into Minho’s hard chest.

 “Woah” he says with a little giggle. “You running again”

 “Fuck! you scared me Minho!” I cry out backing away from him like he has a contagious disease.

 “No I didn’t…. you knew I was coming, I am sure you were watching the cameras” he says with a little smirk.

 I couldn ‘t run out the door, he was blocking it. I had no choice, I was stuck in this office with this man. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks, but he was just as stunning as he was when I saw him last. He is always one of the best dressed cooks back there, always wearing clean chef pants, his hair always perfect. Beautiful as always. I take a ragged breath and back up against the desk, while he leans on the door frame.

 “Why have you been avoiding me Cat?” Minho asks his voice sounding sad

 “I haven’t….”  I trail off, knowing that he absolutely knows I was avoiding him.

 “Cat…”he begins. He comes a little closer and I inch away, afraid if he gets close enough for me to smell him I might give in to those primal urges that has me touching myself almost every night since our night together.

 “Please don’t hide from me, I know that what we did wasn’t a good idea and I am sorry that I pushed you, but I wanted you so bad. I still want you, I cannot stop thinking about you, but I understand that no matter how I feel or how you feel, we cannot do that again I don’t want you to lose your job”

 I sigh. “Minho you didn’t push me, I gave in I shouldn’t have it was wrong of me, what we did was amazing I have…..never felt like that before, the setting just sucks and the timing is all off” I drop my head and he moves a little closer, I can smell him I could reach out and touch him.

 “Do you believe in the alternate universe theory” Minho asks with a little smile

 I look up and give him a look of confusion. “Huh? What’s that?”

 “It is a theory that there are different realities, where you are the same person, but you exist in a different time, place things like that”

 “Oh…I mean probably not”

 “I do……I believe that in another universe me and you are fucking right now”

 I feel my face get hot and I feel the heat rush to my core. Shit, why does he have to go around saying shit like that.

 “Oh um….” I was flustered and he knew it, he is looking at me, a half smirk on his face. He takes another step towards me and then he was right in front of me, I stand up from my slouching position on the desk. My mouth is dry and my heart is racing again. 

I am in control, I can control myself.

 “Well…” but the words get lost in my throat when I feel his hand on my waist. His touch was like fire and even through my clothes I could feel his hand pressing into me.

 “Minho….we can’t…. we have to….” I was losing the fight. His eyes were boring into me, he wasn’t saying anything but his eyes were telling me everything I needed to know.

 “One more time jagi” he murmurs.

 Fuck there it is again, he must have called me some pet name in Korean.

 “T-that isn’t fair Minho…” I whisper

 “I know, but playing fair really isn’t my thing and I might have to cheat a little to get you bent over this desk”

 He comes a little closer, I can feel his hardness against me.

“Is there cameras in here” He ask while glancing up at the ceiling”

 “Uh not right now, the one in here is broken” I whisper looking at his plump lips. Why did I just tell him that?

 “I guess its our lucky day” He quirks his eyebrow. Then before I could mutter a word, his lips are crashing into mine, I immediately kiss him back, he lifts me up and sets me on the desk and slots himself between my legs. We are kissing like our life depends on it, like we need each other to breath.

 “I can’t stop fucking thinking about you, Cat” he murmurs as his mouth finds my neck sucking little love bits along my skin.

 I moan as his hands roam under my shirt, his hands cupping my breasts through my bra, thumb dragging along my nipple. I can feel it harden under his touch.

 He begins whispering in my ear, a dirty mix of Korean and English, switching between the two with ease. The pool of desire in the pit of my stomach was consuming me.

 He flips me around effortlessly and begins kissing the back of my neck, one hand cupping my breast and the other hand unbuttoning my pants.

 “Fuck…Minho” I moan “why are you doing this to me? How are you having this effect on me”

 “You did it to me first….its not my fault that we are drawn to each other” His hand slips down over the wet patch on my panties, his fingers slowly start massaging the bundle of nerves.

 “I want to hear all those pretty sounds you make again, I want it to echo in this office while I am fucking you until you scream my name” His fingers keep working on my clothed clit. I feel the heat start building in my body.

 “Fuck me Minho…” I moan as I arch back into him.

 He squats down to pull my pants off, only pulling them off one leg. He just pushes my panties off to the side as he runs his hardness in my wet folds.

 “Want to make you mine, all mine” He whispers.

 He then stops. “Fuck!”

 “What?” I could barely catch my breath, I just wanted him inside, stretching me out

 “I-I don’t have a condom I forgot to grab one” He says sheepishly

 “Your joking right? You wouldn’t start all this, get me worked up and then walk away just to get back at me for ghosting you for two weeks?” 

My pussy is throbbing I am about to lose my mind if he doesn’t put it in.

“Fuck…just put it in” I cry out

 I hear him chuckle, that beautiful chuckle. “You wouldn’t be begging for my cock now would you?”

 “Is that what you want Minho? You want to hear me beg for you? Bend me over this desk and fuck me stupid, tell you how badly I need you to fill me up” I pant as he resumes rubbing his cock on my folds.

 “Careful baby….I do like it when you beg, you can’t go around saying shit like that”

 “Yeah what are you going to do about it” I shoot back

 “Fucking brat” He grunts as he shoves his entire length inside of me. I gasp loudly as the stretch takes my breath away. He doesn’t go slow this time, pulling me so I am flush with his chest as he pounds into me. I couldn’t make a sound, the feeling of his cock basically in my throat, my brain unable to form words.

 “What the matter, jagi? My cock got you speechless” He groans as he reaches around to rub my bundle of nerves.

 “Y-your so fucking big” I gasp

 “Yep and your so fucking tight, now cum on my cock”

 It doesn’t take long, a few more deep thrusts and his steady rubbing on my clit and I am cumming hard all over him. He wraps his arm around my stomach to keep me from collapsing.

 “Close…can I cum inside of you?” He groans

 “Y-yes” I moan as my body shakes from my release.

 He holds me around my middle tight as he releases into me, with a loud moan. “Fuuuckkk…that is too fucking good” I let myself fall forward my hands flat on the desk. I could feel his chest heaving against me.

 “Please don’t run Cat….we can figure it out, this can’t be the last time” He pants out

 “Would you be willing to transfer to the other location?” I say quietly

 “Is that all I would have to do?” He lifts his head

 “I am not sure….I think it would be a start, I wouldn’t be your direct boss. I will have to talk to Devontrae”

 He squeezes me around my stomach with both arms and kisses me sloppily on my cheek. “Whatever we need to do, lets do it. You are driving me fucking crazy and these last two weeks you have been avoiding me, honestly impressive, but hurtful”

 I sigh and turn around putting my arms around his neck. “I am sorry I have been acting like a fool, I cannot believe that I let myself get that way. I really am sorry. I promise I won’t do it this time”

 “Promise?” He asks kissing me on my nose and putting his pinky up

I giggle. “Promise” I say and wrap my pinky around his.

#Lee Know smut #stray kids smut #stray kids fanfic #lee minho

[starseneyes]

Strength in Softness, Softness in Strength

Getting vulnerable, again, but there's a lot on my mind, these days. And while sharing is insane, it's also part of my healing process.

Growing up, I wasn't allowed to cry. If I was caught crying, I was yelled at and berated. If I started to cry during a berating, then I was yelled at more until I stood stiffly, sniffling and struggling.

I was told I needed to toughen up. That I was too soft. That the world was too rough for someone as soft as me. And this sums up why my parenting approach is the complete opposite.

By the age of 14, I used my own money to buy Visine and under-eye makeup at the drug store to stash in my bedroom. Why? My face turns red in three places when I cry—under each eye, and along my storks bite birthmark on my forehead. It's near invisible unless I've been crying.

The best way to avoid an attack was to present as "fine". To appear unflustered. To not show the anguish swimming beneath. It didn't mean I would avoid the tongue-lashing altogether, but dramatically reduced the possibility. Yes, as a teenager, this was how I had to think.

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide / Suicidal Ideation

Because by 14, I was already considering killing myself.

Ooph. Yeah, this is a tough one, folks. But I would sob into my pillow at night convinced that nobody would attend my funeral, that nobody would miss me if I was gone, because nobody cared that I was alive.

Home life was rough. I was bullied by students, teachers, and even the guidance counselors! There was manure in my backpack, my books being stolen, my desk turned around. I was tripped. Slapped. Punched.

I'd report it. I'd ask for help. Nothing happened. Nothing changed. And so my thoughts turned to the darkest depths of who I was.

And I had nobody to tell except my dear friend [name redacted] who was going through the same thing. She died a decade ago of a drug overdose, and to this day the only reason I'm convinced it was accidental is because she left no note. That was the thing that broke her heart the most about her husband's suicide a year beforehand—he left no note.

Now, I'm so glad that I chose life. So glad. My life has not been easy, by any measure, but it has been filled with love and light.

My three children and husband are the most incredible family I couldn't fathom back then. To have a functional relationship? And to be raising our kids in a completely different way to break generational cycles of abuse? Yowsa!

// END TRIGGER

I was taught to be strong. And, damn, I am good at being strong. I can tend to an open wound without fainting or hesitation. My first job at 19 was reviewing 9/11 and Iraq War footage in its entirety and marking which parts were usable for broadcast and which weren't. I can power through the worst of times without crumbling.

But, damnit, I never learned how to cope. I never learned that it was okay to feel big emotions. That I needed time to process and recover.

I was taught that being "soft" was a hindrance and "strong" was an asset. Sure, an asset, but also a barrier, at times.

Because "strong" alone doesn't leave room for healing. It doesn't leave room for processing trauma. It doesn't leave room for anything but a hard edge void of warmth.

I never lost my softness. Not really. But I have met many people in my life who did, and I honestly feel bad for them.

Perhaps they had the same upbringing as I did. Perhaps they were hurt so badly they closed themselves off, defaulting to "strong" as their identity.

But soft has its merits, too.

Soft doesn't mean incapable of surviving in this world, like I was told. No, soft is the part of us that keeps us empathetic, understanding, considerate of others and their needs, as well as our own.

Sometimes there seems to be a fight between strong and soft. But I really think you can be both. At least, I know that I am both.

There are time when my strength carries me through the worst of times. And, oh, we have been hit by them. Just today my husband remarked on how much we've been through these past few years... how much so fast. So much we have lost. So much we have struggled. So much we have suffered.

But we did not lose who we are.

We still poured out what kindness we could on those around us. We still offered compassion and encouragement to anyone whose lives touched ours.

And our loves reached back to us with support beyond imagination when we reached our lowest point. This October, I posted a GoFundMe to help with our insurmountable medical bills. I hoped and prayed for $500 against the thousands and thousands in medical debt.

I'd gone the "strong" route for a year—taking on extra clients, extra jobs, working day-and-night, never going out, never seeing friends, doing whatever it took to be a machine that felt none of the pain and kept going.

But it was never something we could do alone. It was too much for us to carry. So, I posted the link and walked away from the computer to sob for 15 minutes about what an embarrassment and failure I was because I wasn't strong enough.

I returned to the computer expecting judgment. I found love. So much love. So much compassion. So much help.

And while we aren't out of the woods, I can see the clearing in ways I never could before.

It would never have happened if we had not been vulnerable about our financial situation in the wake of our kids' medical bills. MRIs, neurology, rheumatology, optometry, psychiatry. Tests. Bloodwork. Evaluations. Medications.

And while I felt so weak and frightened when I reached out, folks responded saying how strong we were to be vulnerable.

Strong. Vulnerable. Soft. Hm.

See? It's okay to be both soft and strong. Because there is strength in softness and softness in strength.

Take care of yourself, loves, and remember that you don't have to be ONE thing. Ever. Be you. You're beautiful just as you are.

P.S.: The sensational @always-coffee posted a Story up on Instagram that inspired this post, so thank you for the inspiration, lovely.

#tw suicide #cw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #cw suicidal ideation #parenting #vulnerability

[thewertsearch]

GA: None Of It Matters CA: yeah it does its important sorry but the fate of the race and purity of the bloodline is important excuse me for being concerned

Equius may be a little weird about blood, but this guy sounds like a straight-up eugenicist. What the fuck are they teaching this kid in sea-dweller school?

Plus, how does bloodline purity even work in this context? All bloodlines are mixed inside the Mother Grub, so it’s not like you can control the process by segregating marriages. Does he want to purify the ‘slurry’ of troll DNA, before it’s consumed by the Grub in the first place?

GA: But You Really Should Know By Now The World Will End Tonight Regardless [...] CA: wwell ok [...] CA: so did your clouds tell you that GA: The Doomsday Scenario In Particular GA: No Not Exactly CA: i got clouds and they dont tell me SHIT they hide nothin but misfortune and monstrosities [...]

CA has clouds and monsters - almost as though he’s seeing clouds on Derse. 

We didn’t see any when Rose was visiting Dave - but then again, Prospit only gets its clouds during the Skaian Eclipse. Does Derse have a dark Eclipse, where the Horrorterrors generate their own esoteric weather patterns? 

The other possibility is that CA is on Prospit, and the ‘misfortune and monstrosities’ he’s seeing are ordinary cloud prophecies. This would bode poorly.

CA: so howw do you knoww then GA: I Have Another Source  

The trolls are lousy with ‘sources’, so I don’t have a clue what Kanaya’s could be. I’ll throw something at the wall anyway, and predict that it’s an 8-Ball to complement Vriska’s cueball.  

CA: ok wwait did she talk to you today CA: wwhat did she say CA: or glub or wwhatevver GA: Something About Longing To Touch You Indiscretely CA: WWWWHAT GA: And That Shes Basically In The Scarlet Throes For You GA: As Deep In The Flushed Quadrant As One Can Be CA: wwait CA: did she actually say that CA: in confidence

Heh. Terezi already fell for this one. 

Anyway, it doesn’t take a genius to pair the concept of quadrants with the four categories of relationship that we’ve seen so far. The flushed quadrant describes a ‘Scarlet’ variety of relationship - in other words, red romance - and, since it involves ‘longing to touch’ someone, it’s probably not the less romantic moirail. Kanaya is implying that CA wants CC as a matesprit. 

This is getting pretty complex - even more so than Karkat’s original description implied. I haven’t needed to be on my toes this much since the Intermission’s time fuckery. 

CA: you dont lie but you do tease and ill tranfuse my kickass royal blood out wwith incontinent musclebeast discharge if i wwont knoww wwhen im gettin hooked

He certainly acts like a noble, doesn’t he? I really don’t think he’s kidding about having royal blood. 

CA: being a kid and growwing up CA: its hard and nobody understands

And you’ve got a lot of growing-up to do. 

#2343 #homestuck liveblog #full liveblog #act 5 #s32

[dino-boyo-agere]

Teel Wolf character AgeRe head canons, because I want to and nobody can stop me!!

Mieczyslaw (Stiles) Stilinski: is a regressor. It started as an involuntary coping mechanism, when his mom died. He was really shy- and felt kinda bad about it at first. Jis dad reassured him that its okay and healthy. So did Melissa, when she learned about it. Stiles stopped regressing in middle school, he tried forcing it every now and then, when he felt stressed with exams and stuff, but wasn't able to actually get into little space for a long time. After a while of not being able to regress, Stiles moved on and accepted it as a thing from the past. He had almost forgotten about regression, but then the Nogitsune horrors happened. All the new trauma, paired with all the guilt and loss of sleep, lead to him re-discovering this coping skill. His Dad gladly took on the role as his caregiver once again, happy to have even more time with his lovely baby boy. And when Scott opened up to him, he felt even less alone!

Scott McCall: is a flip. He loves taking care of little stiles as his babysitter, but often ends up also regressing & playing with him instead. He does also take care of little Isaac, if he has to, but finds him really hard to handle and often finds himself overwhelmed or frustrated with his shenanigans. Nobody but his caregiver (Boyd) seems to be able to keep this kid in check.

Isaac Lahey: is a regressor. Just like in Stile's case, it's also a trauma response (because of his father's abuse). He's an absolute brat, always causes trouble and enjoys creating chaos. Isaac often throws tantrums and/or has meltdowns, when he doesn't get his way. However, he only acts that way, because he really longs for attention and doesn't know how else to get it. He never felt seen, nor safe growing up, so he acts out to seem 'too tough to mess with' and to make himself visible. Boyd (Isaacs cg) is basically the only person who is able to handle him and his outbursts. They're working on it though!

Vernon Milton Boyd: is Isaac's caregiver. He understands him in a way nobody else seems to be able to. He is compassionate and understanding. No matter the circumstances, his patience seems to have no limits. Boyd never yells at Isaac, he never even looks at him angrily. Instead, he praises his little one when he's been good, explains why a certain behavior isn't nice and teachers him techniques on how to handle (or deal with) negative emotions, without acting out. He also gives the best hugs!

Jackson Whittemore: is a regressor.. okay, I know what you're probably thinking, but hear me out, please. It'll make sense, i promise! We all know he is the typical 'bullie turns out to be gay' stereotype, right? It's basically the same with regression! He learns about Stiles being a regressor, when he finds his emergency pacieᵀᴹ in his bag after practice. At first, Jackson tries to bully him about it. But a heated argument between the two leads to Jackson pouring his heart out, opening up to Stiles (of all people). Learning all about Jackson's mental health struggles and self doubt, Stiles decides to put together a little AgeRe box for him. Finding it in his sports bag, after school, Jackson decides to give 'the regression thing' a try. At first, he feels weird about it, but he quickly learns how much it helps him cope. He has a less hard time expressing his emotions and dealing with all the stress. Jackson has no caregiver (yet), because he's really shy (& frankly embarrassed) about his regression, but Stiles did manage to persuade him into having a playdate every once in a while. (If I had to decide on a caregiver for Jackson, it would be either Boyd or Noah. I'm currently working on a fanfic revolving around this plot, we'll see where it goes sooner or later.)

Noah Stilinski: is the Dad and caregiver of Stiles. He also takes care of Scott, when he is regressed. Noah vehemently refuses to take in Isaac, ever since he threw a rock at Stiles, leading to the latter having to get stitches. Isaac doesn't regret throwing the rock, in his opinion Stiles deserved it, because he didn't wanna watch Isaac do a cool trick on the swing. He did apologize for throwing it that hard though.

Melissa McCall: is the Mom and caregiver of Scott. She takes care of Stiles, when he is regressed, aswell. Melissa also loves to care for little Stiles -and even little Isaac-, together with Scott, when he is big. It's their very special mother & son bonding time. Plus, handling Isaac is a lot easier as a team.. The little trouble maker still practically lives on the Time Out Chairᵀᴹ though.. This kid is quite a hand full and I love him for it.

Derek Hale: is a flip, but doesn't allow himself to regress. He feels it would make others see him as weak. He often acts as a caregiver without any choice in the matter. He get's forced to 'babysit' the little gremlins when no one else is able to.. He loves taking care of little Scott, but he'll never admit to that. Scott is just a sweet kid, always trying to help around the house or with his 'sibbies'. Derek doesn't mind caring for Stiles most of the time, but get's very overwhelmed when he goes nonverbal or won't stop crying, which happens quite often. Taking care of Isaac is-.. well.. Derek may have tried to leave him somewhere in the woods a couple of times.. Boyd threatened to beat him up when he found out, but knew he wasn't a match. So now he just doesn't let Derek near his angel anymore. Derek doesn't mind, quite the opposite is the case, actually.

Alan Deaton: is a caregiver and mainly takes over, when someone is sick or hurt while regressed. He makes the best chicken noodle soup and always kisses boo-boos!

.ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ×ﾟ｡･.ﾟ»･⁠°✧ ↓ DNI ↓ ✧°･« ﾟ.･｡ﾟ×ﾟ｡･*.ﾟ.

banner by @froggy-clubhouse

#teen wolf agere #teen wolf cg #agere headcanons #teen wolf agere headcanons #sfw interaction only #sfw agere #fandom agere #agere fandom #age regression headcanons #agere community #agere #age regression #sfw #age regression community #nates headcanons #nates hcs

[hyp3r4ct1v3-h0rn3tz]

jingles. its hard. being a kid and growing up. its hard and nobody understands

is this a homestuck quote

[hopeymchope]

"Rascal Does Not Dream" Double Feature review-ish thoughts

I attended the North American "Rascal Does Not Dream" double feature (subtitled edition) yesterday on March 24th. This was one of those Fathom Event things, and it served as the official North American premiere for both Rascal Does Not Dream of a Sister Venturing Out and Rascal Does Not Dream of a Knapsack Kid. At 73 minutes apiece, they're pretty damn short for movies... but I've seen even shorter in the anime world, weirdly enough. These would be the second and third movies after the "Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai" 12-episode series and its first movie sequel, 2019's Rascal Does Not Dream of a Dreaming Girl.

If you're completely unaware of this series, I implore you to ignore its admittedly awful titling convention. This is all based on a set of Japanese novels revolving around teenage (ofc) protagonists Sakuta Azusagawa and Mai Sakurajima as they contend with the bizare phenomenon that's come to be called "Puberty Syndrome" (sometimes called "Adolescence Syndrome"), in which the emotions of teenagers/pre-teens/young adults are able to somehow affect reality via quirks of theoretical quantum physics. So in this world, if someone wishes they could redo a bad experience? They might start looping said experience ala Groundhog Day. If someone feels two sides of their personality are diametrically opposed? They could literally split into two separate versions of themselves. Only somehow resolving the underlying issue can fix these bizarre sci-fi events.

The first four arcs of the TV series could be described as "A boy is made to understand and empathize with how hard it is to grow up female." After that, starting with the final arc of the TV series and up through these movies, you could describe the story as "A boy is made to understand and empathize with people who struggle with disabilities." I have tons of respect for how the series is basically all about trying to provide deeper understanding/sympathy for everyone around us.

I'm an anime-only plebe who hasn't read the books these are based on or the manga adaption, so that obviously will affect my view of the story. With that said...

Sister Venturing Out is basically the emotional sequel to the TV series' final arc, the "Sister Home Alone" story. That one contains an emotional sequence that has made me cry on MULTIPLE viewings, which I consider to be some of the highest possible praise. I have to say that Sister Venturing Out has a similarly devastating scene that flips the script on what was so painful in "Sister Home Alone" and effectively shows the pain of the OPPOSITE side of the relationship. So: major props. It's a slow-build sort of tale without the tension inherent to some of the franchise's arcs — the central gimmick of "Puberty Syndrome" barely plays a role here — but it works well at delivering on emotional payoffs and character moments. I previously felt that "Sister Home Alone" was the most emotionally intense story in the series, but Sister Venturing Out is an easy rival to it.

Knapsack Kid, on the other hand, is all about Puberty Syndrome business and the suspense of how to resolve it. Unfortunately, I don't think it works nearly as well as Sister Venturing Out because it's so clearly in need of a longer runtime to flesh out its ideas. As the story stands here, the existence of the titular "Knapsack Kid" is never even remotely explained! Series fans know that we usually expect Rio Futaba to provide some kind of quantum theory that suits the weirdness occuring, but Rio only shows up long enough to vaguely hand-wave the reality-warping shenanigans at play. Nobody ever provides any justification for why Sakuta is being guided by an all-knowing childhood version of his girlfriend. How does she know so much about what's happening? How can she jump between... realities or timelines or whatever she's doing? Why her, and more importantly, why her as a child? Shouldn’t the CHILD version of Mai know LESS about this stuff? Normally, the series would have fun explaining this; here, they want us to stop thinking and just feel it. And admittedly, the emotional moments are still pretty strong. I just think I would've felt them harder if I understood more about how and why this was all happening.

Although the series has always had its emotional moments in each story arc, the fact that these two stories have so little room to breathe means we lose out on a lot of the humor and witty dialogue that the TV series managed. There's still some of it in here; it's just not as common because we don't really have much time to spare onn comedy.

We do, however, seem to have time to spare on setting up future stories! Two plot threads are set up that do not pay off in these films but instead are events for the upcoming "University Arc." A little tease at the end of the second movie (after the post-credits scene; don't miss out on that) says that "Animation Production is Confirmed" for the University Arc — whatever the hell that means. A new TV season? There are four books so far in the "University Arc," so that seems possible. A bunch more movies? It definitely implies something longer than just one additional film. Whatever this turns out to be, I look forward to it.

#anime reviews #reviews #rascal does not dream #rascal does not dream of a sister venturing out #rascal does not dream of bunny girl senpai #rascal does not dream of a knapsack kid #university arc

[abimee]

my attention seeking brain does the same except i get 0-10 notes instead of 30 so i always was jealous of u as an artist. it's nice to know that even artists like you get like, insecure about that stuff. except it's not nice because i don't want you to feel bad. sorry

dont qorry im the same way when i see people call getting 100 or less notes ''flopping'' to them i lose my mind cause my art usually does so bad that ive gotten used to celebrating when my stuff got like, 50 notes because that was A Lot to me not even 3 years ago. and no need to apologize i understand how jealousy can be so cruel and how much it sucks to experience it, i try to be open and honest and one way i do is talk about how i dont really follow artists for media i like (like ff14) because i have terrible self-confidence issues and so its a struggle for me to see people ''better than me'' and see how successful and loved they are and not take it personally. or take it personally when people like smthn i do but LOVE it even more when someone i know does it because they do it better than me

and i dont ever wanna make people feel bad for being good at something and being well-liked, its a personal issue for me alone to deal with that just comes from growing up under the heavy weight of ''if i cant be good at something nobody will care about me and ill be left alone'', which lead me to constantly being compared to others and being made to feel like my worth was entirely on my art. it was a really shitty thing and i spent a lot of time as a kid very alone and vying for attention through my art only for kids to point and go ''look, [classmate] can draw better than you!" and then being left alone at recess. and jealous children grow up to become jealous adults. and my mind just cant undo the connection it made to Not Being The Best -> Being Abandoned but i dont wanna be jealous anymore i wanna love things its just very hard. i want good things to come to you and me both and i want us to get better and feel better one day

[bobbyhelpme]

hi i feel like projecting my life onto eridan ampora

wwww ok this ended up being super long lmao funny

ok so eridan empora is one of my fave characters from homestuc, even if i kind of hate him (((for uhmmm killingpeoplelolzies uhmmm, i can't like, 100% hate him

when i first saw him in the comic i was like, "OMG he's a big meanie" in a like very bad way ok, the reasons are very childish lol(my bestie is an aquarius and he's norhing like eridan :b...), but after looking into him i just went like, "OMG he's a big meanie", but now in a "good way" :v

So, we all know eridan. very big ego, he loves magic he ain't wanna admit it but i know he does... everyone hates him for being an asshole (snd they are right), racist mf, wants to fill his quadrants and very obsessive about it ig. now, i want to talk about a part of eridan's personality, personally what makes me like him and relate to him.

ok so we all know that being a kid and growing up is hard and nobody understands (btw true), and i think is harder when people just hate you. like, you go anywhere, and they hate you. that's what eridan goes through, every trolls hates him (and they do have reasons lol)))), now, what you need to do for pwople to stop hating you? change?

Personally i've been through this situation, everyone fucking hates you no matter what you do, "there's really no way of winning if in their eyes you'll always be a RACIST ANNOYING MF SEL-FISH BITCH". Now, of course i wasn't racist lol, but i totally was at some degree a fucking asshole. they hated me a lot, they just insulted me or ignored me for no reason, and if i tried to talk to them and say sorry they would just like, tell me to fuck off. at those times i didn't know how to handle it, this wasn't a uncommon situation, this was something that happened always, no matter the place or people, so i was frustrated and depressed because i didnt know whst was wrong with me, so because i didn't know how to be better, i just started to be worse. i just started insulting too, being annoying too, because being better felt impossible, despite how hard i tried they would just insult me again and again, despite how much i complimwnted and tried to improve myself i just went to the same place, so i just became completely irregular, started insulting and then complimenting, etc etc im sorry i went off track

so like, i feel that's kind of what happens to eridan. everyone hates him, and despite trying to be better, they would just insult him again, so he just sticked with his villain persona. he started insulting too, being racist and uhm claiming he will do a genocide lmao(((, but he wants to be friends with them anyways, karkat is the closest person to him, and he also has a good relationship with kanaya, and both of them are landwellers. I don't think he really believes in the hemospectrum, as i said he is friends with "lowbloods" and stills flirts with a lot of trolls below him (in the hemospectrum, and flirts w humans too?? i dont remember lolzies) Anyways, i think he was having sum times like i used to have, but i grew up from it (and now im a sollux kinnie, a miracle or a punishment?) and he just digged himself deeper in hate and now he is... well, eridan ampora :b

i dont think going through bad times excuses shitty behavior. i totally understand feferi breaking their moiralliance because not everyone can deal with it, its hard being with someone who refuses to improve himself. personslly i would stick w him but that's because im a bastard and i think i can fix people (actually is because theraping people doesn't exhaust me so im a good person to vent it won't make me sad its ok,,,, unless they commit suicide i i i i would die man i) but i understandthat being with someone like eridan or myself it's hard, we have the fact that people hate us so marked in our hearts that we refuse to think otherwise, and, for me, that even if eridan wants to, he feels its impossible to improve himself, at least that's how i used to feel at those moments. i cant express it im sorry but it's fucking hard ok :"v

wow ok this is huge uhm did you know eridan is trans? or sollux. y'know thwre's this huge text talking about eridan and his daddy issued w shrek, and at one part he says that sollux lusus won't missgender him or deadname him, but now somebody says that was just eridan self-projecting his issues to sollux and actually eridan was trans not sollux, so now they are both trans go trans people! also i think i might be bigender mmm sorry what was this post about

#longy post

[arista-stl]

I don't like (I actually hate 👀) Benji. A long rant.

Here I said it. And I'm gonna explain why, even though nobody asked for it 😂. (And I know I'm gonna receive hell for it lmao)

One argument that people like to use to justify their hatred for Kenji and Brooklynn is the 2 years age gap (just for the sake of being transparant, I personnally do not have a problem with it, it's legal and I could never have a problem with a two years age gap). But that on its own can be understandable, we all have different beliefs and that's fine...I'm not gonna try to make people change their beliefs. But I have a really hard time taking it from people who ship Ben and Kenji (and surprise surprise...most of the fandom do 🙃).

The problem people say they have with the age gap is the difference in maturity between the two. Which is a really real thing, and is the reason laws exist to protect kids from predators. But while that is a thing, I think a lot of the fandom CHOSE to ignore that everybody does evolves differently and that not everyone matures at the same age/pace. Saying that a gap in maturity is an ethical problem and going around shipping Ben and Kenji is the biggest mindf*ck ever.

And so this is my problem.

Ben is the most immature of the whole group. At least to the other characters, he is. He had his MOM calling the camp consellors to give them a list of things to do to make him feel confortable. Kenji is mad when Dave and Roxy leave them with crayons, asking "how old do they think we are/when was the last time you ever saw crayons" clearly indicating that he sees that as a kiddy activity...only to see ben drawing himself and bumpy with crayons. And let me tell you that the way he draws himself says a lot about his self perception. It looks like a kid with his baby dino. He clings onto kenji when he is scared of the story Darius is telling, story that does not seem scary at all. This is not a romantic moment, and I find extremly weird that people look at it that way, EDIT it that way. This just looks like a twelve years old clinging onto the most reassuring person around because he is scared at night. There are a LOT of moments where Kenji makes fun of Ben's immaturity/makes sneaky comments or is annoyed by it, but people turn it into some romantic thing ? Half (if not all) of their interactions are just this. I repeat, Ben clinging onto Kenji because he is scared and Kenji dealing with it because Ben stubbornly refuses to let go will never be romantic. At least to me.

Basically Ben's entire arc, from season 1, is that he needs to let go of his fears, (and probably his mom overshielding) to become his own person and MATURE...GROW UP and be self-reliant. And Kenji appears to be the oldest camper. Do the math.

That's why when I found out that it was the most popular ship in the fandom (there were only two seasons out at that time) I was genuinely PHASED.

Yes, Kenji cares about Ben, and yes, he was the most affected when he "died". But to me, it was because he finally started to like/accept Ben despite his childish behavior, exactly as in the older brother/annoying and overbearing little brother trope. And not to mention that it's later shown that he has a personal struggle with the idea of loosing people and death as seen by the way he reacted when Sammy was about to die. So it was really more about Kenji than Ben. Or maybe Kenji is in love with Ben and Sammy.

My problem with this ship is that people make their scenes to be something it's not and argue that it was being set up, that there was chemistry. When really... It.Was.Not.Set.Up.

And they have as much chemistry as a kid and his nanny can have.

The single idea that Kenji could be ATTRACTED to Ben in season one (the season where everyone started shipping them) should normally be disgusting to anyone watching. Because KENJI SEES HIM AS A KID. Which is the difference with him and Brooklynn. Everyone can have their problem with that, but the fact is that Kenji never ONCE refered to Brook as a kid/being childish nor made fun of her for that. Heck, in episode one he even singles out Darius as "the younger kid" when the three of them are together.

Which brings me to my point. A lot of people took the ages of the campers Dreamworks released, and ran with it without even a second thought. Watching season one, without that info - that is never clearly stated in canon, keep that in mind - (And funnily enough for all we know Ben could be like a month older than Brook since it was their age at a specific point in time but weirdly enough everybody chooses to ignore it) you CANNOT tell me that you'd find Ben to be even remotely older than Brook. When Ben and Kenji are together, it looks like a 18 years old standing next to a 12 years old. With Kenji and Brook, it looks like a 18 years old and a (minimum) 16 years old. I still think the ages they gave them are REALLY unrealistic but even if you consider them to be canon... doesn't change the fact that there is an enormous maturity gap btw Kenji and Ben which you need to be blind not to see. A gap that was and will always be bigger than the one btw Brook and Kenji.

I could go on and say that even after he comes back, he is still the most immature and only starts to evolve by the end of season 3 but I don't need to because this ship only "exists" in season 1 (and 2 but tbh the only scene they have for them is Kenji being happy and emotional that his friend is alive...and hugging him ? Heck, Darius and Ben reunion is ten times more impactful). Also, if Kenji suddenly started to have something for Ben in season 4 it would still creep me out ngl.

So yeah, I hate the fact that people hate a ship based on an hypothetical maturity gap btw two characters because of a two years (maybe one and a half) age gap but have no problem shipping a kid who thinks of himself that way with Kenji.

#that was long #but the hypocrisy of the fandom does get to me #the bar is in hell #i swear seeing edits of them make my skin crawl #the only person I could potentially see Ben with without it being weird is Darius #sorry if I made typos english isn't my language #jwcc #camp cretaceous #ben pincus #kenji kon #darius bowman #jwcc brooklynn #sammy gutierrez #yasmina fadoula #jwcc season 5

[2n2n]

how is it to kin Tsukasa?

It's such a direct question! I forget people can even remember it's a kinnie thing. I mean, after all, I'm not the type of person who expresses any of it online (I only really like engaging with my beloved, IRL. I don't get anything out of performing online ... or maybe it's more like, nobody has any drive or urge to use the internet, an action which is too specific and annoying, VS just enjoying a swim or a walk!)

hmmm... embarrassing~~ cut ~~

It's up and down, honestly! He's not yorishiro Tsukasa. He doesn't often understand he's loved by Amane. Sometimes, he's the boy throwing himself into the well, convinced the ideal life for everyone is his non-existence (this is difficult, as AVVY! wholeheartedly knows she's loved!). Sometimes, he's not sure why Amane does anything, and what Amane wants. But you know, a lot of the time, he's just a boy growing up with his twin, enjoying the moments. It can be very simple....

My favorite moments ... are when my twin (my husband) and I, are say, throwing rocks onto a frozen lake at the tail-end of winter. We stand and crack the thin ice. I pick up extra stones for him. He takes them wordlessly, just proceeds to toss them as he pleases, entitled to my assistance; he's so used to me, being here, it's become mundane in that warm and wonderful way. It's nice to exist next to him. He 'expects' me to be here, beside him. Ahhh... !

Another moment I like, is swimming in the lake in the summer. I'm a lot more ah, capricious, all over the place, flipping and spinning about. He kind of placidly watches me, in that older-brother-y-way. When he finally earnestly aims to play with me, I'm so excited, and it's so fun to crawl all over him in the water, cling to him, be dragged around, drag him around, watch him do a handstand underwater. He's amused I like it so much, him being in the water with me... I'm delighted he can be amused by something like that. I'm annoying, and a little too spunky, so he shoves my head under the water and holds me down. That's fun too... that kind of thing is my favorite.

I can cajole Amane into joining me in playing on the ropes blocking off the deeper water for the younger kids swimming.... I like to climb all over the ropes more like a squirrel, but Amane, he enjoys tightrope-walking slowly and carefully over the submerged rope which bobs ... when I ask him if he's having fun ? (it's hard to tell) he responds dry and glib "let me think about it. oh, yeah." and it's so Amane.... it's funny. He is having fun, showing off... he's doing something more ah, 'impressive'.

If we go on a walk through the woods together... I tend to walk ahead of him. But I can feel him looking at me, not at the trees around us. Amane looks at me the most, when I can't see him doing it. If my back is facing him, his eyes are more on me than ever. That feeling is wonderful. Its nice to show him a bug, or a frog.

It's a lot of fun crushing on Nene-chan together... and, sometimes, Amane sees Nene-chan in me. Sometimes, he treats me like Nene-chan. That's wonderful, too... if I can be that, to him.

I would say ... ! There are days he's 3, 4, days he's 8, days he's 11 ... more than anything, that is 'Tsukasa'. 12 is rare, but, it happens ... 13, don't know if that's ever really happened.

He (Tsukasa) really ruined my life for a while sexually .... he's definitely made me, do, and, want things, I never did before ever. My nasty husband loved it all and drank it in, but SOMETIMES, HE GIVES ME A CRISIS, TSUKASA...! IT'S INCONVENIENT, SOMETIMES! And it's also embarrassing, sometimes!! It's my entire existence you know, it's so hard when something unheard of is happening ... and then my Amane-Bird-husband-twin is just fucking me about it, ... hough!!!! Everyone's so difficult!!! Everyone does as they please! Sometimes, the twins are a kind of menace!! I am a normal married girl, sheesh.... !! Sometimes things are a little quick or already decided for me ... and it's like, "wait, wait!!" the twins can kind of be a whirlwind in feedback loops... they just want the other to do anything they please. hoo-wee!

#avvy's JSHK