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suganovakawa · 4 years

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𝐒𝐀𝐔𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐄 .

PAIRINGS : tooru oikawa x fem! reader , slight hajime iwaizumi x fem! reader

GENRE : angst , romance

WARNINGS : cursing , car accident , recovery from amnesia

SYNOPSIS : tooru doesn’t understand how special you are to him until he comes close to losing you forever . as he struggles to comes to grips with his feelings and balance it with his future , you still have to recover from your own injuries , but without your memories to assist you .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐗𝐈 < [ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐗𝐈𝐈 ] > 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐗𝐈𝐈𝐈

word count : 1.8k

there shouldn’t be any harm in checking on tooru and his injured knee.

saudade masterlist .

SAUDADE

( 𝐧 . ) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant , or that has been loved and then lost ; “ the love that remains ”

⠀everyday was like going in circles and yet never knowing what the destination is supposed to be. each day seemed to be nothing more than a loophole chains of events, only to restart back at square one tomorrow. this investigation of yours was getting nowhere, and your hope of remembering anything was becoming more of a fever dream than an actual possibility.

⠀demanding hajime to tell you everything wouldn't work, he could out-stubborn you at any given time. makki and mattsun were no longer willing to tell you a thing, for fear they'd get the iron fisted beatdown of a century from their third year peer. oikawa didn't seem like much of an option either, especially with hajime's strange request to stay away from him at all times.

⠀with nothing else to think about, your new subject of thought was that fateful conversation in the gym not so long ago. not really a conversation; truly, more like a one sided rant to someone you hardly even knew. as far as you knew, you were probably strangers with tooru oikawa before the accident. iwa still had yet to explain the conflict between him and his fellow volleyball player, and you were honestly believing that he was never planning to.

⠀you had seen him walk in with crutches the following day, absolutely distraught that his injury was that bad. you had seen the brace on his knee as he practiced serving in the gym, but you never knew how bad his knee was until you broke his line of concentration. you couldn't even go and check on him, with iwaizumi sitting right there. no one knew how or why he walked in with crutches, and he never explained why, either. you wanted to stand up on stage and tell everyone yourself to hold yourself accountable for being the cause behind his unfortunate incident.

⠀"i'm staying after school today, hajime." a more spontaneous decision was made minutes before the last bell of the day rang, causing your friend to look at you strangely. he didn't seem suspicious of you, but he certainly had questions.

⠀"do you want me to stay behind with you?" he asked, his lips pursed as you looked at the clock. there was a hope in the back of your mind, a silent plea that he would be there today as well. the odds were low with the circumstances that you had caused yesterday, but there was no harm in trying. if not in the gym, he could possibly spend his time somewhere else?

⠀"no, you can go home." you shook your head as you turned back to him, keeping a straight face as to not sound strange. "you can walk me tomorrow, and we can even go out to eat. my favorite place, of course." you grinned, lightening the mood with a playful punch to his shoulder. "how's that sound?"

⠀chuckling to himself with a shrug, he soon nodded his head. "alright, deal. i'll pay." your eyes widened at his reaction, opening your mouth to retaliate but he shushed you. "i won't take no for an answer, you know how i am."

⠀"yeah, i know." rolling your eyes with a smile of your own, you breathed a sigh of relief. even if things have been strange, hajime was still your friend. you were thankful of how eager he was to help you and stand at your side at the drop of a hat. he was a handful at times, but you were thankful for him. "i'm surprised you're not broke because of me at this point."

⠀"nah. you're pretty satisfied with easy things anyway." you scoffed and turned away, earning a bigger laugh from iwaizumi. "i'm kidding. but i'm still paying tomorrow."

⠀"fine." just as you replied, the bell rang throughout the school, indicating the students that their last class of the day had come to a close. your heart leaped as you stood up, picking up your books and supplies almost too excitedly. you stopped yourself and secretly hoped that he would stay around the school.

⠀"y/n." you felt a hand around your wrist as you left the classroom, turning around to see iwaizumi hesitating to speak further, yet his grip unwavering.

⠀"hajime?"

⠀"i'm sorry." you creased your eyebrows in confusion, watching intently as his eyes refused to look into yours. "i know... i've been a pain your ass. this whole car incident, i can't imagine how frustrating it must be for you." you weren't sure where this was going, so you chose to stay silent. "i just want you to know that i haven't been able to make your life easier, but i promise from now on, it won't be that way."

⠀your jaw clenched. the only thing you wanted to accompany such an apology is an explanation and full story of what you've been wanting since you gathered your senses. "i see," you muttered, nodding your head slowly. "thank you, hajime."

⠀"i'll treat you right, okay? i swear on my life." once he loosened his hold, you pulled your wrist away and nodded again steely, pressing your lips upwards into a soft, half-hearted smile. even with such sincere, sweet words, he still refused to tell you anything. "you can trust me."

⠀"i know, hajime. i trust you." you nodded your head, waving goodbye to him before turning the corner, beginning your search around aoba johsai for the one person you want to talk to. why did you want to talk to him? he looked so uncomfortable with you around, you almost felt guilty for even stepping near him. did you bully him in the past? did you two hate each other in the past?

⠀trying your luck, you braved a deep breath and made your way back into the gym, no plan in mind as you closed your eyes upon reaching the doorway that made way into the large gym, disappointed that you heard no sounds while you blocked your own vision.

⠀you were expecting to be met with a wave of more disappointment, until a startled voice broke the silence. "y/n?"

⠀your eyes shot open in surprise. you almost revealed your relief with a smile. right in front of you stood oikawa, leaning on a crutch supporting his injured knee. he was surprised as you were that you were entering the gym, but expressed it in a different way. "what are you doing here?" he followed up, his arm stiffening to support his weight to stand up straighter.

⠀you didn't realize how awkward this meeting would be until you stood face to face with him right here. there was no point in sugar coating it, you were already there, and he was right in front of you. "i was looking for you," you replied, standing up a little straighter yourself. "i wanted to know how you've been doing. seeing your crutches, you must've been hurt pretty bad." you bowed. "i'm sorry."

⠀"this? it's nothing. i'm on crutches at least once a month." looking back up at him, oikawa shook his head and looked away, using his free hand to scratch the back of his neck. "my knee has been pretty messed up for quite sometime now, it's no big deal. don't blame yourself over it. i was bound to hurt myself again, anyway."

⠀"then why don't you take a break?" it seemed quite obvious to you that the only remedy for these types of injuries was a hiatus and a time period to recuperate to not only heal your injuries, but to give some time to relax as well. "you should prioritize your well being."

⠀you watched the third year tense, his breath caught in his throat as he shook his head immediately, his eyes now going to the ground instead of at you. "i wish it were that easy," he mumbled. "maybe if i had the natural talent to take a breather, i would give myself a break. but i'm not naturally talented. i'm a setback, if anything."

⠀"nonsense!” you shook your head quickly, the words coming out of his mouth sounding like nothing but complete lies. "you're amazing! from what i witnessed yesterday, you're an amazing volleyball player." you paused for a second. "you played with hajime, right? what was your position?"

⠀"setter." the brunet's voice lowered. "actually, i was the captain of the team."

⠀"no way!" your eyes were practically sparkling at this point. "and you dare say you're not naturally gifted?" you placed your hands on your hips in disbelief. "i refuse to believe it."

⠀"oh, you should believe it, alright..." tooru began clenching his jaw, but you were too marveled to notice.

⠀"and i was the manager, so we must've definitely known each other before my accident!" you nodded matter-of-factly to answer your own question. "to think i can't remember anything you did as captain for the team... your teammates were definitely in great hands, i can just feel it! you - "

⠀"for the love of god, could you please get out of the way?" you stopped speaking the moment oikawa raised his voice, taking a step back instinctively. "y/n, i'm trying to get out of the gym, but i can't with you in the way. could you please move?"

⠀your pulse spiked in your system, the humiliation rushing to your cheeks faster than the blink of an eye. your legs moved mechanically to the side, your breathing uneasy as you locked your eyes to the floor, rendered speechless. this feeling was... all too familiar. you didn't like it. just thinking about it made your chest constrict a little bit. was this deja vu?

⠀it couldn't be, not when it was this effective.

⠀you heard oikawa curse under his breath, but you made no effort to look back up as the panic rose in his voice. "shit, y/n, i'm so sorry. i didn't mean to snap at you like that. it's just that i get annoyed when i can't practice, i get impatient. but by no means do i blame you for my knee! you're right, i shouldn't push myself, i should take a breather. i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry."

⠀by the time you looked up, oikawa looked like he was about to gush waterfalls out of his eyes at any given moment; the atmosphere between the two of you flipped completely, and your energy had long depleted. "no, i should be the one to apologize. i got ahead of myself, i didn't let you talk... again." moving your arms to cross awkwardly, the world seemed to mock your stupidity before backing up more from him. "i actually should probably get going now. again, i'm sorry about your knee. i'll probably be apologizing for it until you're off the crutches. see you around."

⠀you gave oikawa no time to reply as you hastily power walked your way out of seijoh, feeling suffocated as you made your way home, the deja vu eating you up as you continued to tread quickly. it couldn't be deja vu, there was no way.

⠀something in his tone of voice triggered something deeper than what your amnesia could cover. you had felt this way before. out of anything you could've recalled first, it was just your luck it had to be this.

⠀what was your relationship to oikawa before the accident, anyway?

a/n : honestly i have nothing to say, so look out for part 13 soon!

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eversoslinky · 5 years

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Why I don't call myself a "spoonie"

One of the many reasons I don't go on Instagram anymore is not being able to talk about my illnesses freely with like minded people. This is me today, I'm having the worst day ever so frustrated and annoyed with myself and I physically can't move. I have been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, (ME) Endometriosis, Adenomysis (Endometriosis of the womb) Fibromyalgia, a hiatus hernia as well as stomach and digestion problems. I won't call my account Chronicallyhannah or EndoHannah or Fibrohannah because it's NOT how I define myself. I'm glad my account is called Eversoslinky because whenever I see that name it puts a big smile on my face. I'm NOT my illnesses, I have alot of problems and health conditions but they aren't who I am. I don't think I can ever look at the words assosatied with my illnesses and feel happy. Yes, I'm ill, I don't work, most of my days are spent in bed. I cry alot cause I feel like a waste of space... I feel like I'm a drain on my family and society and I don't deserve to live. I think I'll never meet a man and be happy cause who would possibly put up with me?

There's alot of negative culture in what is surposed to be a loving environment for people to talk freely... a weird backwards way people compete with each other for who is the most sick. When I first posted about being ill I had lots of people (mainly other women with endo) wanting to speak with me. I felt my heart and soul had been lifted! Finally! A group of people who I can speak to openly and freely about my health problems. But this all soon turned nasty pretty quickly when I started modelling... People saying I couldn't really be ill cause I pose nude and in lingerie for photos. If I really did have endo, I'd have a bloated stomach and be so self conscious about my body I'd constantly cover myself up. That's not true! If I'm ill, I'm ill. I don't do a shoot but I refuse to let it stop me if I do feel well enough. I have so many bad days when I get a good day I make it count! Bloated belly or no bloated belly! Take me as you find me, but don't you EVER, ever try to tell me what you think a sick person should look like! If you do then you are just as bad as those who say "...But you don't look sick."

I read a blog someone had written not that long ago on Instagram saying that anyone with depression or anxiety couldn't call themselves a spoonie and they had no right to complain about being ill mentally. It made me rage!!! I think of my health problems as "chicken or egg" they are connected and I almost certainly started to become depressed on the days I got so ill I couldn't walk. Knowing I was due on my period used to send me into an overdrive of anxiety. I remember sitting on the toilets and crying and shaking knowing that I had just come on my period and I had so much work to do. I needed to concentrate and focus yet I had this constant brain fog and feeling I was going to faint.

I love the spoon theory, I think it describes being chronically sick perfectly and how people like myself struggle to do things everyday that other healthy people might find easy. However, I won't call myself a spoonie cause I get shit for it off the chronic illness community. I feel I constantly have to talk about how sick I am and I have to talk about events like hospital visits instead of talking say for example, a photoshoot I did in the past or going to a really great vintage market. I can't talk about what other interests I have... because I'm too ill to have them. But EVERYONE deserves to have hobbies, interests and things they enjoy doing that have nothing to do with their illnesses. You'd be surprised how many times I've done a really glamourous hair and makeup look and put it on Instagram. I've photographed myself in a portrait style (from the chest up) wearing a sexy lace bra and cute necklace. The person looking at my Instagram can only see the top half of me, the bottom half (from the waist down) I'm in my PJs. (The chances are my stomach was too swollen to wear pants that day!) What I'm trying to say is I did that activity sitting down on my bed with my mirror propped up. It wasn't sky diving or scuba diving or any extreme sport but it made me feel good and it had absolutely nothing to do with me being ill.

Because of how I look I get alot of crazy sex pests messaging me. Most of them are harmless until I have a day I want to talk about the reality of being ill. Then I get messages like "cheer up, chin up" I understand that some people (mainly older people) might not understand, they think I'm having a bad day or I've got a stomach bug or something... the one that made me cry in frustration was a man who asked me if I was taking my pills for fun.Please don't be this ignorant! Please no! So the above picture is a perfect example of how I feel and what any person who is chronically sick goes through on a daily basis. I'm not an addict! I hate taking pills, I take so many and I've been taking them for years and they themselves have nasty side effects. I definitely don't derive any pleasure from anything I take.

Last but not least, let me explain to you what you are doing to someone if you think you can decide if they are sick or not? You drive them indoors, inside their home... you make them wish they had minimal interaction with other people. You are closing walls around them and isolating them from the rest of the world! That person you saw who looks perfectly healthy to you pushing their trolley around the supermarket. They don't work. They have a medical condition and very severe depression and anxiety. They have someone who usually does their shopping, who couldn't do it this week. This is one day out of all the other days of the year they got up and went out? Do you begrudge them that one day? Or do they have to stay in their home to fill the stereotype of a sick person? It doesn't matter if you are a sick person or a healthy person you have no right to decide what "sick" looks like. Many times have I had to go to the shops by myself while I've been in pain but that's because I lived alone and had no choice. I won't define myself as being a spoonie (although, I guess choosing between changing my bed and washing my hair is a good example of my daily decision making process.) There are plenty of things I'm very capable of doing and I do them well but they define me no more than my bad days.

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