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keepingupwithtati · 9 months

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The Growth Manifesto

Humanities and arts have always been essential to all human cultures. Their research may encourage greater intercultural understanding and build the groundwork for a more civically engaged lifestyle. They can also help you think critically, perform creatively, and prosper in an environment that is constantly evolving. Throughout this semester, I learned the importance of art through humanities. The visual arts, such as painting, sculpture, and architecture; music, dance, theater, or dramatic arts; and literature. They are the academic subjects that focus on human thought, emotion, and engagement. I chose my manifesto to be about growth because I felt majority of my blog post had some sort of relation with growth. Whether it was physically or spiritually. We have the motivation and the tools to become the best versions of ourselves thanks to personal growth and development. Many of the assignments throughout the semester I felt related a lot to growth. One of the blogs, which was the analysis of a poem we chose, and I had chose “The Great Sea” by Uvavnuk. The poem was about how the poet connected with the great sea. I felt this poem ties in with growth because in the poem he starts off as a weed, which is something that is undesirable. But as he advances, numerous great forces drive him onward. It was a transformation from being a weed to finishing the path to joy throughout his life. Another one was the playlist I made which had the theme of youth. As everyone knows, throughout life you grow and one of the phases in that growth process is your youth. Since it is on this journey that people realize the immense power they possess, this adventure deserves to be appreciated and embraced. Youth is a period for adventure, self-discovery, and finding one's calling. A framework for youth development is established, and youth development is seen as an ongoing, unavoidable process in which all young people are involved. It's important to enjoy each period of life, including childhood and maturity. Each of us leads a unique life, and the path to discovering who we are and what we desire involves a number of stages. A part of growth includes making mistakes and finding good coping mechanisms. One of our first assignments was the find an image of something captivating or interesting to you, then describe how it makes you feel or how it expresses one’s sensibility and values. I chose to write about the sunset because of its importance to me. To me, the beautiful sunset serves as a sign that the day is coming to a close and gives us hope for the future. We have the chance to reset everything we've done and reinvent ourselves when the sun sets. To make up for our errors, learn from them, show our appreciation, and offer a respite from the day's stress. It represents the beauty of life and serves as a sort of getaway from the real world. Sunsets are an incredible piece of art in my opinion and can be more than just an optical illusion. Speaking within the different kinds of arts, with growth comes evolvement. Several forms of art has evolved tremendously over the years. Nearly all human societies practice art in one form or another, and it can be said that this is one of the traits that makes humans unique among other species. The visual arts are now deeply entwined with language such as poetry, song, and storytelling. Then there is music, dance, ritual, marking life milestones, death, religion, and politics. Art through humanities can tie to growth is many different ways. And the growth part still hasn’t ended. There is yet so many things to discover and that’s what excites me most. This course served as a basic examination of the humanities' genres and subjects. Various genres, including music, the visual arts, drama, literature, and philosophy, which were covered through readings, lectures, and class discussions and it served its purpose of filling me with knowledge of humanities.

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littlefreya · 3 years

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Writers Shaming

Let's talk about Smut-Shaming. Tumblr is to many, if not most, a refreshing escape from our day-to-day life and at these harsh times, a coping mechanism.

Different people from all over the world gather on this hell-site to unwind. While our purpose is one, we don't always see eye to eye (even within the same fandom), and that's perfectly fine. We are not a collective hive-mind; we all have our yays and nays. It's our differences that make this place a lot more interesting and versatile in content.

Some people are here to create gifs, share their art, share information, tell heartbreaking stories, and some people thrive on reading and writing erotica. It's okay if some content is not to your liking, by all means, ain't nothing wrong with you or with the content. It's just not your thing.

However, I'd like to address the growing issue of smut shaming. Now, I understand that sex and erotica are a big deal to many people for different reasons. Not everyone is into reading these types of stories or narratives of specific hardcore genres. Most writers are well aware of that, and hide their explicit content under a cut and tag it with proper warnings. So if you don't want to indulge in such material, you have several ways of avoiding it:

Scroll away

Do not click the “read more” link button.

You can filter out content or even the blog’s name, so when someone reblogs from them, Tumblr will hide the post under a blank square.

And eventually, you can block blogs to protect yourself from undesirable content.

You are and always will be responsible for your own content consumption.

Sadly, in the last few months, I've witnessed an increase in what can only be described as "smut-shaming", which makes authors' personal experience severely uncomfortable. Writers who tend to write smut (some exclusively, some write for all genres) are being humiliated by others. It can either be by direct anon asks complaining about the content they put out there, offensive name-calling, generalisation or shading done by other blogs dismissing writers reasoning for writing specific material.

I understand that some pieces don't sit well with others, but take a moment to understand: you don't know the person behind the blog and what things they went through in life. And more than anything, you don't realise how hurtful it is to be dismissed as a writer.

Personally speaking, I love to practice many different styles. My stories' spectrum ranges from gooey fluff to hardcore smut, and I take all genres seriously. I work extremely hard on creating characters, backstory and the world in which the tale exists. One of my fears when writing is that my story won't make any sense, and even though I write for me, I can only hope to move others with my words during the process.

If there are sex scenes within my stories, it's because I'm a sexual person who sees sex as a way of bonding and emphasising trust or sometimes even battling fear and trauma. Yes, sex can mean millions of different things to people just like smut stories can. It can be poetic, it can be filthy, and even when it's just about getting off, I still consider the stories people write here as a form of art - especially since none of us are getting paid.

This is why the last thing we should be doing is dismissing a writer's quality or a story because they write explicit material.

The emotional anxiety authors have to handle when posting a new story is hard as it is. Imagine how terrible it feels like when these writers are being shamed for the things they enjoy writing.

Please be kind to one another. 🖤

#Writing #Smut Shaming

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justinmcmillersblog · 4 years

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Living by Your Actions

You are the one in control of your life. External factors, namely social media and life circumstances, are not controlling you. You can choose to do anything you want in your life, but what you do to carry out your life matters. In other words, inside the nature of living, you have free will over your actions and choices. What matters is what you do with your time letting your thoughts and actions have valuable purpose thru mindfulness. With mindfulness, you realize you have better autonomy over your thoughts and actions from the insightful practice of stillness. Stillness breaks the notion of doing nothing while you are completely still. It invites you to quiet your mind to focus on your awareness alone—it teaches us to live without self-restraints and that we need not more or less to make life a better experience. We simply bask in the act of impermanent living, with all that it brings to us emotionally. We already are undisturbed and we need not more disturbance from the mind. It allows us to tell ourselves what we are doing is enough to live peacefully until we decide to act purposefully. Thru stillness, you are able to have better awareness and control over your thoughts and actions which helps you to zoom in on what you do with purpose. You give purpose to your life with everything you do... even if you say you don't have one to be a greater influence on your life. All of your actions are purpose. You must provide the motivation by the simple act of doing. You realize while thinking of the present moment, you have all the time in the world to act on something with deep intent. You don't think about what to do next. You don't think if what you are doing is worth the time doing or is a waste, or thinking about what you should be doing. You just concentrate on the art of living. Anything is possible thru your actions, you just need to fix the controller in your hands that helps you to be aware of your thoughts and actions so that your can control your life in any direction—just like a video game. This doesn't mean you can avoid circumstances in life you don't want or wish for good things to happen only. Whatever happens happens, but you must deal with them mindfully and live by the rule of impermanence—everything changes, nothing is fixed. Once you realize this, you will have less tendency to judge your thoughts, emotions, feelings, & actions and instead flow with them with deep concentration because you know what you are doing or are going to do with your time, and you are at peace living in the present moment. All of your thoughts and actions are lead with true purpose. You don't do something because you feel a nagging need to do something else better with your time or you feel bored. You don't hyper analyze your current state of being thinking what you do, what you are, and what you have aren't enough to live contently. Whether you're mingling with a baby, watching TV, listening to music, sitting while contemplating, reading, walking, or going to the bathroom... doesn't matter what it is. Everything you do is deeply considered with all the emotions and feelings brought with them. In order to practice mindfulness, you just need to be aware of your existence and let your actions, thoughts, and feelings come naturally without your mind overanalyzing. Mindfulness helps us to have purpose in our daily life. Not the kind when wanting to be a better person or to achieve a goal in life, the kind that gives us the power to have deep intent over our thoughts and actions. It does not forbid us from thinking of the past or future, it just wants us to not be lost by our WARDS (worries, anxieties, regrets, despair/doubts, sorrows) because we know the role impermanence plays in our lives. We have the ability to invite change in our way of thinking. All of our emotions and feelings fall under impermanence. They are a part of us. They only become a problem when they alter our perception of living. When we desire happiness, life flows effortlessly, we want that feeling to stay; when we're sad we lose hope, life is at a stand still, and we try to desperately get out. Understanding impermanence helps us to coexist with our emotions and feelings when things come as desirables and undesirables... at the same time knowing that emotions and feelings have impermanent qualities. Whatever you feel, you feel it fully. Whatever you feel next needs to also be met with love and mindfulness. Whenever you have your happy, stale, or sad moment, have it mindfully. They are just feelings. They do not dictate how your life is going. They are like the ever changing weather, they come and go as they please. Accept your emotions as they are when they happen. Mindfulness is about letting your mind have less control over your perceptions of living and more control in what you experience. If you yearn for peace and happiness, look within—it starts with the feeling, not your situation. Allow yourself to be peace and happiness in the present moment by letting go and just living. Think of water running after water, a funny irony. There's no way to happiness, happiness is the way. The only way to have peace and happiness is to manifest that feeling. The only way to live life fully in the present moment is to give purpose to your actions and let your emotions, thoughts, and feelings come and go freely.

#mindfulness #peace #emotion #thoughts #feelings #concentration #spirituality #happiness #joy #understanding #love #life #insight #wisdom #reality #meditate #suffering #buddhism

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velvyy · 4 years

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Hey, Rad... Alex... Alexlememe? I know that's the name you used to go by and I know you've kinda disconnected yourself from Viv's fanbase after ZP ended, and I remember your memes and such but I kinda just wanted to get your take on the Hazbin drama since you reblogged the headcanon blog's post on the subject. More or less regarding the issue of her being uncharitable to fans and non-fans alike, plus that one callout post on twitter?

So this is weird. I wasn’t expecting to get asks on the subject since like you said, I’ve generally been disconnected from the fanbase aside from the few reblogs here and there retaining to Hazbin and its more recent developments. But yeah I guess I could give my take on this since I mean.. old fans still follow me. Idk why, but they do!So, really. In regards to that callout post (which is now deleted) I really, really don’t care that much. For one thing, Initially I did because I really hated to see someone be slandered so viciously with inaccurate and uncharitable attacks, but I kinda just stopped because even when I linked the addresses from both Viv, and the Ken dude regarding all the drama mentioned, it was either ignored and resulting in me being called a “pedo sympathizer” or “It wasn’t even an apologyyyyy weh” and like, whatever. I stopped giving a shit.

Terms of the traced animation thing... Lol, ok. I mean homages do exist, and her animation thingy was based on a meme so whatevs.

Anyways,I knew from the very start that the whole “tracing” and “stealing designs” stuff was nonsense since there was an entire like, tumblr drama arc on the issue, and albeit Viv’s post is gone, there’s evidence of legal contracts regarding Jiji and that whole nonsense that was years ago. In regards to her drawing pictures of Blaire White and Shoe�� Eh. I mean, yeah, fuck em, but she’s made it clear that she doesn’t support those views anymore, and she wasn’t even really aware of the other things they’d done at that point, and I see no real reason not to believe her because what does lying about that gain her? Yeah her comment on the “blackface” thing if you wanna call it that was dumb as shit, but considering 2016 was a rough year for her in terms of trying to find where she fell in the political sphere, I can relate because I was in the same boat. A lot of sjw cringe comps, shaming feminists, and purposely misgendering transpeople… Not a good time for me either! Course I’ve changed. I went from being a reactionary alt-centrist to an anarchist so. Whether that’s an improvement is up to you.

As for the whole pedo/zoo shit, I really don’t see it. I mean like, look, obviously porn art portraying people fucking feral animals is disgusting right. Not saying it isn’t problematic or anything, but to be fair, she did draw this shit like 8 years ago. I’ve seen worse from even more well-established artists and I don’t see people trying to cancel them? Also, the art was suggestive for one thing and not necessarily 100% porn. I mean it’s still creepy and gross, and I’d understand scolding them if they continued to do so but a lot worse, but I haven’t seen anything like that from Viv past those 2 drawings. As for the pedo shit… The relationship between a 17 year old and a 19 year old is… hardly creepy and reminiscent of pedo shit. So yeah no fuck that. Now with the drawing of Mirage and Kestrel and the tag that said something jokingly like “Mirage and her pedo tendencies” or whatever… Yeah idk, I can’t defend that lmfao. Again, Viv said she disapproves of those drawings and doesn’t care to think about them, but that one piece of artwork definitely had some baggage to it that made me feel uncomfortable after reading the tags.Only issue I took in terms of her addressing that, is that she was very adamant about it being an inside joke… Which if that’s true, you must’ve had some fucked up friends like damn.

I would also like to state that cub art is legitimately disgusting and I am of the belief that it can cause harm depending on the context since I assume the consumption of cub art can reinforce the urge for pedophiles to act on their desires instead of finding healthy coping mechanisms for it through therapy. There have been stories from younger users on the internet that older people have tried to groom them and have the notion of pedos preying on them be normalized by sending them art depicting kids in sexual acts with adults. Of course in isolation cub art isn’t as harmful as the actual act of raping a child, and I would argue that people have their priorities kind of messed up since the illustration being acknowledged should be part of combating pedophiles preying on children. However, people, typically twitter wokescolds tend to focus on the art solely and I don’t know why. There’s a lot of MAPS trying to find their way into LGBT spaces and it’s fucking gross.

Now with Hazbin itself… It’s meh. Initially I watched it with rose-tinted glasses and loved it. After watching it for like… the 3rd, 4th, 5th time? It’s alright. I don’t hate it, but it’s far from perfect. Now ofc I know it’s a pilot but a very lengthy pilot I’ll say. My biggest gripe with the pilot is that the editing is really fucking weird. Like the editing where Angel tells Alastor “I can suck yah dick!” and the scene that followed was really off. It seemed like too many cuts were made in that instance and seemed very cluttered. It also feels that way during Charlie singing “Inside Every Demon is a Rainbow” and how many little animated bits were like almost wiped off the screen by how fast it came by, and ntm there was just so much happening all at once on screen as well. I had to pause at points just to process everything that was happening. The palette is also very, very, verrrry red. There’s so much red going on and like… I get it, it’s in hell. But lemme rest my eyes on something else besides red, please. The palette they use needs to be better diversified, and the same goes for the characters too. Every character seems to have red on them. Whenever Baxter shows up later he’s gonna look really out of place. Some of the jokes were ok, and others seemed non-clever. I didn’t think Angel’s joke about sucking Al’s dick was funny. I did like the joke with Pentious and Angel though. “SON??” Some of it could’ve been written better too.

Regarding the drama with the show itself… Personally I don’t get it. Like, I don’t feel as if Angel is homophobic as a character since his queerness isn’t at the face of the jokes he makes? He just happens to be sex worker which… sex workers are fine? Support sex workers y’all, seriously. There’s also nothing intrinsically wrong with being sexually active either? As long as it’s within reason and you’re being trustworthy.The issue lies in the fact that people viewed the things I just mentioned as negative, and associate it with gay people as said negatively portrayed thing to push the sentiment of “Gay man do sex a lot therefore the gays bad” or that sort of thing. Also there’s a bit where it shows there’s more emotional depth to him and I’m hoping they’ll expand on that later. Honestly though, the criticisms in regards to that have been pretty uncharitable. Same with the criticisms for Vaggie. Apparently Vaggie is racist because… she’s loud and angry? Again, this is a case where people assume those traits are negative, and because it’s assumed to be negative, the negatively portrayed thing pushes the sentiment of “Being a loud fiery woman made, and latina women are that, therefore latina women bad” or some shit. There are stereotypes that are bad no matter what the context is like sambo-esque caricatures of black people. Then there are tropes that are applied to certain demographics that have the capability to be written well into characters without it being offensive or disrespectful. Vaggie is literally angry because she’s protective of her gf. Like. C’mon.

So, I think that settles what I think about that? It honestly seems like superficial shit to me tbh, and I’m saying this as an sjw-y beta cuck anarchist.

The only REAL gripe I have, is with what the mod from @zpheadcanons posted. Because I know this is probably true as much as it hurts me to say it. Faust def has a history of being pretty petty and bully-like to people she deems undesirable, and Viv harbors it by not criticizing it, and if anyone else within their friend group does it then you’re scolded vehemently and treated like garbage. Her attitude also stretches to harboring an audience full of white knights that I personally don’t approve of.

There’s also this

Faust has hurt distant people I personally know and… yeah. Maybe I’m biased but I can’t vibe with that. Sorry. If you don’t make an effort to criticize abusive behavior within your own friend circles then that makes you just as bad, because then you’re just a bystander to things you could have prevented.

This isn’t to say Viv herself hasn’t dealt with bad faith actors, or people who had the intention to hurt her, or very uncharitable criticism. Particularly from the badwebcomics forums which is honestly 4chan like in how they operate. It’s vicious as hell, and a lot of their criticisms boil down to insults and personal attacks, which serve to be nonconstructive. That’s not to say Viv has been kind to even the more charitable criticism though. I know because when I happened to send an ask to the zoophobia criticism blog (where did it go???) regarding something relatively minor and superficial, she blocked me from her blog. I’m still blocked lmfao. I’m not blocked on twitter though! (not yet anyways). Faust has me blocked there though, and I have no idea why. She’s had me blocked for years even though I haven’t spoken out against her till recently. So, there’s that.

As for her apology itself, I feel like it was fine. I think it could’ve been worded better? The take I disagree with in terms of that is like… If I made a mistake in the past, and I make it clear that I don’t care for what I did, I don’t feel as if me explaining why I felt compelled to do certain things negate me from still not caring for my past actions? That’s just me providing context. That’s a really weird take, but I guess that could be viewed as an excuse idk. Personally I think people are holding the bar super high to a state of irrationality.

*sigh* So yeah there’s that. I miss the old days where honestly I could be ignorant about this, but at the same time I look at my old obsessive posts and I kinda just… cringe. I was such an irrational stan I almost hate myself for it. Fuck XD

Edit: I’d also like to point out that I’m not saying Viv or Faust are totally awful or totally good people, and I know they’re capable of being better. It’s a matter of whether or not they wanna be better.

#vivziepop #hazbin hotel

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dysphoric-affect · 5 years

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The Art Of Companionship

As Booker Dewitt in BioShock: Infinite, you look on as an idling Elizabeth stops over a dead body, clasps her hands to her mouth and stares, eyes wide with remorse, and it seems like to you an increasingly - and tragically - sense of innocence lost. It’s just a dead body, and you’re playing a first-person shooter. You’ve seen this sight hundreds of times. Under other circumstances, you’d think almost nothing of it, so familiar are you with the sight. Yet suddenly, in a way you never have before, you appreciate the gravity of it. That inert form is a dead human being. They had a life and feelings. People that cared. Elizabeth’s reaction forces you to think of this, even if only on some small level. Still, it is more than what you would ever think normally, which makes such a quite, small moment able to feel so profound.

As Joel in The Last Of Us, you listen to an enthusiastic Ellie express her optimism about your survival chances, or confusion about what could lead people to commit the horrors of something you’re witnessing. Joel, annoyed, tells her off with a harsh rebuke of how naïve she is and how grim human nature is, sometimes more subtle in manner and sometimes as overt as can be. Given Joel’s past, you understand there’s another reason why he’s so hostile that makes him less of an asshole than he seems: these moments of Ellie’s remind him of the innocence of who he lost, a reminder of a pain he wants to forget and isn’t allowed to because of those circumstances. Underlying his terseness is something more than annoyance as well, you understand coming from this past of his: a sort of paternalism. He doesn’t want to see this person meet the same fate. He wants her to learn so she can survive where someone else didn’t, even if it takes tough love...but love, understated.

As Kratos in God Of War, your son asks a question about his mother - your wife - whose death drives you both forward. Being so gruff of a person, at times these questions are met with anger and annoyance and a demand to quit prying and focus. At times they are met with quiet, with an eventual answer being short and elusive, avoiding greater detail; perhaps it is in his nature to not talk at length, but an understanding is there that it’s also because feelings are involved in the subject at hand for the love lost, feelings being one thing the character, for all his power, has almost no skill in dealing with well. And at times, Kratos’ voice goes unusually soft for him, and a heartfelt admission about who his wife was as a person and what she liked is made, in part for the boy’s sake, to give him a larger piece of her to have in the absence of her living, as well as in part, you realize, for Kratos himself, a reminder of the peace he had and that violence isn’t all there is to life, a reminder that there are other forms of strength in the world than his own, kinds of strength that he needs to find now in himself in her absence in order to honor her memory as well as to fully give the boy the love he was intended to have. The hard exterior of this man, you realize, belies a great depth of emotion and thought...even if something his enemies will never see.

What do all these moments have in common? They all demonstrate a potent element games can possess that we’ve seen emerge more and more in recent years: that of the singular, constant companion. While certainly credit must be given to the writers and others behind creating these characters that makes the specific examples referenced so well executed, I do think that there is something inherently special about this type of element that makes any game that incorporates it with purpose and puts thought into it a game that is much more liable to be well received, or even celebrated. Why is this so?

The key here I think is the inherently limited nature of perspective you get from the player character: on events, on the world, on themselves and even any broader moral or philosophical themes that might be a part of the larger narrative. Our world and any fictional one includes a host of people with differing perspectives about it, yet we often only get to perceive these fictional worlds through the very limited scope of the player character’s viewpoint, or with no perspective at all in the case of the many silent FPS protagonists. Having a critical companion throughout the story of a game ensures a layer of depth unattainable for the narrative otherwise.

This can be in reacting to events, offering opinions and sharing lore we otherwise wouldn’t know, but it also provides the chance to create more depth for the player character as well: when the companion reacts to what they do, it creates more of sense of that protagonist’s existence in that world, fleshing them out, as well as providing something for the player character to react to, directly revealing more of their personality and opinions in the process where they otherwise simply wouldn’t have a chance to do so. In the course of all this, there is an understated but powerful sense of connection to the player character that players can come to have from this relationship which bolsters a sense of ownership of and care for what’s happening in the game. This occurs because the player character and players themselves both develop a sense of attachment for these companions in tandem. When this connection has been established, everything going on with the experience takes on a greater significance, and since the ostensible goal with narrative-based games is to have players care about the story, about the world and these characters and what happens to them all, then fostering this kind of regard from players is certainly an important step toward achieving that goal of creating a meaningful experience.

The trick, of course, is that while being a game provides a sense of being there with these companion characters that makes moments with them potentially so profound, that same format poses a unique challenge: how to incorporate them into the gameplay mechanics of the experience. When we look at the examples given at the start of this piece and comparing them, given they all succeeded extraordinarily well with their companion elements, certain patterns emerge on how best to do this effectively.

One, which I think overall is most important, is to not have game progression failure tied to their actions. Part of this is ensuring no actions that deviate from player intentionality in a scenario. In other words, they don’t take an action that can cause something undesired to happen, particularly as concerns enemies where the player is attempting to strategize in their approach. The most salient example of this would be in stealth scenarios, where the companion taking more overt action or just being scene would cause a break from the stealth mechanics of the game against the players will, frustrating them in their lack of culpability in that having occurred.

The Last Of Us presents a great example of this, where Ellie is literally incapable of alerting enemies to her presence when moving in stealth. While her pathfinding is pretty strong about positioning her to where she gets into cover with realistic timing, at times she doesn’t. I remember watching a design talk done by Naughty Dog where it was explained this was deliberate, because it was seen as worth it to potentially have the odd immersion-breaking moment where an enemy doesn’t see Ellie when she’s clearly in view in order to guarantee she could never trigger enemies’ alert status and garner negative feedback from the player for her actions. I personally experienced a few of these moments playing the game and have to admit it was the right call: more than I was put off by any sense of “Really? You idiots didn’t see her right in front of you?” I was just relieved to not have an alert status triggered, leaving me free to keep attempting the checkpoint rather than initiate a manual restart of it because the element of surprise was gone against my will. This made it clear that having your companion unable to cause any failure of your attempted approach as a smart way to design their performance, as the suspension of disbelief for it to occur is outweighed by the benefits in progression.

Another means to avoid progression failure is simply ensuring they can’t die. It is always critical in good game design when it comes to the difficulty aspects to ensure that player action is the determining factor in successful progression, not that of an external party beyond their control. Since these companions by definition have a great deal of their own agency, then if they could die there is always a chance that event would occur due to factors that weren’t necessarily the player’s fault. That just leads to player frustration that puts them off the gameplay experience, as well as weakening the companion’s narrative strength by having such player frustration be directed toward them, which is of course counterproductive to the empathy and love for them players are intended to have. As far as why they always escape a grim fate, this can be explained away easily enough with them being stealthy or nimble enough to avoid efforts to hurt them, seen manifested in their gameplay behavior, or simply with the “bigger target” philosophy: the enemies focus far more on you because you are the bigger threat offensively. This leads nicely into the next point...

Two, have the player character be the star offensively. Players want who they are in the story to be the dominant offensive force, so having the companion dwarf you be killing more effectively than you do would only generate resentment on the player’s part. In gameplay terms, this doesn’t mean that they can’t be capable of killing, just that the ceiling for their potential kill rate can never surpass what the average killing rate for the player character is. So that they don’t feel like an escort that steals a few kills, however, the crucial dynamic for those companions is to have them be useful in other ways, such as using their size or other skills to bypass obstacles and deal with puzzles. Having them find useful items or indicate points of interest can also serve this purpose really well. In the examples mentioned before, Elizabeth, Ellie and Atreus all have their focus as companions be in these areas, to great effect.

Third and finally, have their useful capabilities grow as you progress, right along with you. Your character will always have to deal with increasingly more difficult enemies and obstacles over the course of the game, so having the companion’s own abilities increase accordingly sustains their sense of viability as you deal with those greater challenges. In the noted examples, Elizabeth progresses to opening extremely useful tears, Ellie starts getting kills of her own that minimize the threat to you (noteworthy because of how high the sense of vulnerability is for you throughout the game) and Atreus can better weaken and kill enemies of his own. This plays back into the last point I made, which is to ensure that they only get better offensively in a way that makes them more supportive, but never deadly on the scale the player character is.

With these criteria met, from there it is simply up to the writers to make them strong characters in the emotion they express and story they create as they interplay with the player character. Done right, this type of companion relationship stands to be one of the most satisfying experiences you can have in modern games. Fortunately, the special quality these have is something that’s been noticed, as we can see it in more games all the times in modern gaming. Sony in particular has been seemingly focused on producing these narrative-focused experiences with companion interactions.

It’s worth noting that while the singular, main companion experience is generally which seems to have the greatest potential, there’s something to be said for deviations that at least have interactions with a core set of companions as the key, or a more dynamic narrative relationship with what companions one has. Speaking of Sony titles, the recent Spider-Man game is a strong example of this: while you don’t have gameplay companions generally, you do have constant interactions with a few key allies remotely, who you understand to be conceptually driving the narrative forward and also providing a chance to see more layers of Peter Parker’s personality.

In other cases, we can see where embracing more dimensions of the critical companion dynamic has occurred. Halo, for instance, had Cortana as a beloved character for its’ entire history as a franchise with her useful intel on the world and events, comic relief and the conceptual help she provided in opening doors and enabling you to pursue certain objectives. With Halo 4, though, that dynamic evolved in a great way as the Master Chief started talking back to Cortana, with her talk now being used to draw out and show an emotional depth to the Master Chief that made an already loved character even deeper and more worth loving, which was a victory for fans of the franchise and for fans of deeper storytelling in games; in fact, their dynamic was I believe that title’s standout element over all others.

All these cases go to show that while there may be a place for the titular solo hero in games, there is certainly a place for the hero who gets by with a little help from his or her friends, or at least, a friend. As the potential has grown for realism in games, the capability has grown to tell more meaningful stories through the presentation of more believable characters, and with that capability I believe there is an impetus that should be felt by more developers to create more games with these kind of dynamic critical companions. They can immerse us more in the worlds of games and create opportunities for fresh new gameplay elements in the process, making their continued and ever broader incorporation into new games we have yet to experience be something that will be a boon to all who are entertained by the medium.

And Ellie, we’ll see you soon. ;)

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taergalive · 5 years

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Okay I filled out that character thingy I reblogged

It’s a little unreasonable for everyone in a Middle Ages-esque fantasy to be perfectly literate, and writing with quills was considered legitimate labor! How well can your oc read and/or write? How detailed is their quest log/journal, if they keep one at all? Imogen took to reading quite readily. She can read high level material and is well read. Her vocabulary is decent. Her journal is fairly detailed, though mostly just emotions shes feeling. Kalo has dyslexia, so reading can be tricky for him. He would rather read novels than textbooks, but it takes him a while to get through a book. He doesn't keep a journal at all. He just reads his sister's. How educated is your oc? Did their parents teach them, did they have a tutor or were they apprenticed to a master, or did they attend a university? What university? What are they educated in? How long did their education take? (Learned skills like blacksmithing count here too!) Imogen had tutors, and when she was old enough, she attended the Arcane University to study Conjuration and Mysticism. She will never consider herself good enough to stop learning. Even with the war going on, Imogen makes it a point to visit the Mages Guild to keep up with her studies. She also studies history and linguistics. Kalo had tutors, but the war interrupted his studies. Behind his father's back, he took up swordplay, and he continues to practice. He is over confident in his skills, though he picks up how to fight rather naturally. Does your oc have any kind of crafting skills that either aren’t in-game or don’t have as much importance in-game as they would in real life? (For example, can your oc sew or weave, etc? Are they skilled in any kind of art? Can they make jewelry or work glass? Are they musicians? etc) Imogen can sew, but not very well. Enough to patch holes. She learned to sing when she was younger, but she's too shy to ever do it in public. Kalo is really good at making makeshift tools. Give him some sticks and some string and he's good. What pantheon does your oc worship? If they worship the Cyrodiilic/Imperial pantheon, does that include Talos? If they secretly worship Talos, how do they justify hiding it? How religious is your oc? Do they come into conflict with others over their beliefs? If their patron deity told them to do something extremely undesirable or against their moral compass, would they do it? Most iterations of Imogen worship the Daedra, but this one is fairly dedicated to Akatosh and Mara. She, however, questions her beliefs often and feels conflicted. Her mother was the head of a cult that worshipped Sanguine. It makes her wonder if Daedra are bad. would be tempted by Hermaeus Mora. But she holds to her moral compass. Kalo is agnostic. Mostly doesn't care about gods or things like that. Never really paid attention to it. But shows interest in some of the Daedra, much to his sister's dismay. Does your oc have a family of origin? How many members of their FoO are still living? Do they have a good relationship? How much contact does your oc have with their FoO? How in-the-loop is your oc’s FoO about your oc’s being Dragonborn/HoK/Nerevarine? Well, Immy and Kalo are siblings. Their father is still alive but they are not sure where in the world he is because of the war. Haven't seen him since they fled to Glenumbra. Imogen never felt like she met her father's expectations. While he has a hard time showing it, though, her father does care for her. He tends to be colder towards Kalo, as he isn't convinced the boy is his. Kalo tried to hide the fact he was the Vestige to Imogen. He didn't want her to know that he was soulless because she would have blamed herself. He's bad at keeping secrets though. What social class was your oc born into? Did they change classes at all? How?How politically active is your oc? Are they obviously influential, or is their influence more subtle? Mildly high. Niece and nephew of the Count of Leyawiin. Imogen tries to be politically active, but her emotions run too high. Kalo thinks politics are a waste of time. Especially now with the war. Blames political agendas on it. What unplayable faction would/did your oc join, if any? Why? I'm still mad I can't be loyal to the empire... How trustworthy is your oc? Would they ever change opposing factions? Both are trustworthy. If they promise something, they mean it. Imogen is fiercely loyal to the empire, though meeting those outside of Cyrodiil makes her question it. She is learning that the empire might not be as good as she believes. Kalo is loyal to individual people. He allies himself with those he considers good. What is your oc’s main source of income, if they have one besides plundering tombs and adventuring? If they’re mercenaries, are they part of a company? Does your oc own their own business, and if so, what is it?Is your oc good with finances? Bartering? How long can they keep the money they make? As the two take refuge in Glenumbra, they have no connections and no money. Imogen takes up odd jobs as a maid, scribe, bar wench, whatever to get by. Kalo takes odd jobs for people in town, which is how he gets roped into becoming the Vestige in the first place. Does your oc have any particular rivalry or mutual dislike with any NPC?How well-liked is your oc? What is their reputation, if they’re well-known? Are they simply liked/disliked, or are they respected but feared, or personally liked but not taken seriously, etc? Do major factions consider your oc an important player? Imogen, surprisingly, has reservations on most of the NPCs you deal with in ESO lol. She doesn't trust anyone with the war going on. This makes her come off as cold, which probably makes her hard to get along with. She forms a small bond with King Emeric for helping out alongside Kalo (and for being the one to kill Septima oops). She sort of treats him as a father figure. Kalo is definitely personally liked but not taken seriously by most people. He's young and reckless. But damn if he isn't loyal. I'd say the Covenant likes him for helping out. Does your oc have a horse/other mount? A pet? How did they get this animal? If they were given the animal, do they have the money to maintain it? How careful/careless are they with their animal? What do they do with their pets while adventuring, especially on dangerous quests? Imogen has a shadow horse she conjures up. His name is Auferte. She has a stone that she uses to summon him. Kalo doesn't have any pets but he would love a dog. Or a cat. Or anything really. Imogen won't let him. She doesn't trust him. Does your oc take their time as they travel, or are they purposeful? How do they survive in the wilds, especially if they aren’t hunter-types? How dependent is your oc on civilized society? Imogen is purposeful; she feels like she's on a timer. Kalo takes his time unless he is on a mission. Imogen relies on her magic to protect her, and she doesn't do well outdoors. Gets tired easily. Kalo seems to be an endless bout of energy. What does your oc like to eat? How much food do they eat? Can your oc cook, and can they do it well? Kalo eats like Goku from DBZ. Like dear god. Loves potatoes, meat, and bread mostly. Imogen eats like a bird, sort of picks at her food. Enjoys sweeter things like fruits...and actual sweets. Kalo can roast things over a fire. Imogen can't cook. It was not a skill she was taught, though now she's forced to learn to provide for herself and Kalo. She's okay at it, but she gets nervous while she cooks. Makes a mess. If your oc is a vampire, do they go outside in the daytime? Does the daylight affect or hurt them in any way different from in-game? If they interact with society, how do they justify looking half-dead and hating sunlight? How good is your oc at blending in? Do they even like dealing with society?If your oc is a werebeast, how much control do they have over their transformations? Have they ever lost control? What happened? If not, why do they have such strong control? Does Hircine ever call on them, and do they answer? NA What does your oc wear in the city/settlements? In the house? When travelling, but not adventuring or expecting combat? Do they vary their clothes depending on what hold/city they’re in? If they don’t, why not (e.g., if your oc wears the same outfit to tend their garden or lounge around the house as they did to meet Ulfric or Elisif, why?) Does your oc have a good or bad sense of fashion? How many clothes does your oc have?How picky is your oc about their gear? Do they have different equipment for different adventures, or is it the same suit of armor for everything (not counting upgrades like from steel to ebony)? How does your oc acquire their clothes, and from where/whom? While Imogen works in Glenumbra, she tends to dress the part. But once she joins in on the adventure she wears more Cyrodiilic clothing. Typically a tunic and tights. The sandals man. No matter what, she wears the sapphire circlet her mother gave her before passing away. She panics if she can't find it. She sold any other jewelry she had with her after they fled Cyrodiil. Occasionally, Imogen will wear Imperial armor. But that is rare. Kalo dresses to match the domain. Not so much because he wants to but because he tends to destroy whatever he is wearing. As far as armor goes, he travels light. Prefers leathers to protect him. Can your oc swim, and how well? Have they ever swam in the ocean, or only lakes/rivers? Remember, it’s much harder to swim in the ocean than in a lake! If your oc is an Argonian, do they take special advantage of it somehow (e.g., do they go diving for fun/for profit, do they instinctively hide in the water, etc)? If your oc is a Khajiit who can swim, how do they get their fur dry? Imogen has always felt a connection to water. She loves to swim in lakes and rivers. Kalo, surprisingly, is afraid of water (though he denies it). Poor dude can't swim. How easy/difficult is it to rob your oc? Pickpocket? Bribe? If your oc is part of one of the more morally questionable or outright evil factions, how do they justify it to themselves? Do they still consider themselves as morally good? How well known is their affiliation to these groups? Do they have separate personas (e.g. Dragonborn to some people, Listener to others)? Do their family/friends know? If they have separate personas, how do they keep their less than righteous activities secret? Imma be honest I'm tired and cant think for this one lol How helpful is your oc, and why? Are they helpful or kind even during difficult situations? Are they pragmatic, or do they have a hero syndrome? Kalo has hero syndrome. Imogen, while she considers herself a good person, has trouble agreeing to help others. Again, she is too cautious. Thinks people have ulterior motives. Will help those she cares about in a heartbeat

#Animal kingdom made me sick so I'm chilling in the hotel #Imogen the Imperial #Kalo the Imperial #ESO #Elder Scrolls

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transientpetersen · 5 years

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Let's say that you have a practice or habit that you don't want. What follows is a multi-step process for affecting change.

First step is to make some time to think about it. Study it. This practice (henceforth "X") did not appear out of no where and if it were not serving some purpose then it would not stay. It is personal. Think of all the habits that you observe in strangers or in your friends, the good and bad habits that you did *not* adopt over the years. How many potential habits that did not stick because they weren't serving a purpose or potential habits you never tried because they have no meaning to you have you already forgotten over the years? No, X is, before everything else, *your's* and you should identify the needs in your life that it fills. Some of these will be obvious, the direct rewards of the activity. Some may be things that you're not supposed to want but are fulfilled needs all the same. Consider what you’re avoiding by doing X and what things you've implicitly put off until you've done X enough. That avoidance can be part of the benefit you receive. Think of where you were in your life when you started X, maybe it was a helpful part of a transition or growing experience that you got stuck in. It's easier to part with X as friendship that's waned over time than as an active personal enemy.

By way of example, I used to recreationally browse blogs and various semi-scholarly sites (e.g. tvtropes, wikipedia, sacred-texts, webdirectory, /r/askhistorians). I wanted to stop when it grew beyond moderation but understood that it satisfied certain needs. This activity could be perfectly sized to fit in any sized hole in my schedule from ten minutes to five hours and could be interrupted and resumed simply. Elastic practices like this are rare and very valuable when you have a fragmented schedule. Browsing offered the gambler's appeal, the sensation of novelty and novel ideas arriving at unpredictable moments at a reasonable rate. Finally, it offered the appearance of study and so allowed me to maintain within myself the illusion that I was a scholar and an intellectual (who just happened to have broad interests). I wanted it stopped because it was a time sink (arguably another benefit from the ego-defending point of view) and month-over-month failed to provide persistent value since I wasn't retaining much from my sessions. Once I understood that failure, I was able to appreciate the habit for what it had given me and was ready to let it go.

Second step is to craft a replacement. Stopping a habit by pure willpower is rare and not exactly what I would call a best practice. You don't easily displace a presence with an absence/vacuum, better and more efficient to use a different presence. Once you understand X, you're in a position to find Y. Look for something that satisfies some of the positives without falling in to the negatives. For me and my example, it was writing and journaling - a relatively elastic activity that lets me think of myself as intellectual and provides more durable reward.

Third step is to notice when you're engaged in X. That is all, just notice. Say to yourself, "I am doing X". You may be so accustomed to this habit, it's ingrained in the routine of your life, that you engage in it unconsciously. This practice of mindfulness will raise it back to the level of conscious thought. There may be guilt or anger or shame attached with noticing since this is a practice you've decided to stop. Those emotions are an unfortunate byproduct of the process and if I could remove them, I would. Preemptively forgive your self and accept that you're still only in the start of the cycle. Allow it to be "I am doing X, I am not doing Y" and move on. If you need a way to challenge yourself, don't jump straight to doing Y but try instead to see how quickly you can notice yourself starting. If you're particularly observant, you might notice the triggers or leading indicators that presage the habit.

Fourth step is to practice stopping X. Now that you notice yourself engaging in undesirable behavior, add "I am not doing X" to your thoughts. Just pause. For me I would sit quietly at my computer with my hands on the table. Pause for what feels to you like a significant length of time (for me, about thirty breaths) as you focus your attention on the act of stopping. Then do what most feel like doing. If that means returning to doing X then go back to X. If it's something else then it's something else. The point was developing a familiarity with stopping X and you've done that after the first few breaths. Tempting as it might be to see this as a practice in nothing, please avoid that thought. Focused inaction is a powerful tool and inserting empty space into your life can be as important as inserting space into your art.

Fifth step is to start to substitute your chosen behavior for the undesirable one. It's awesome when you reach this step because this is where your life really starts to change. In your mind, the mantra becomes "I am not doing X, I am doing Y". This is why it is important to take your time in the second stage in crafting your replacement activity because your new, chosen activity needs to be load bearing. Fail fast in five and be willing to switch to a different activity or combination of activities because X is no longer helping you out and you're taking the negative hit to your usual rewards.

Sixth and final step is to reinforce Y. It's new and going to feel a bit weird when held against the rest of your life (like a new tooth) so it could use some care. You'll alternate between X and Y pretty naturally for a while. As Y grows on you, you'll learn more about it and what it requires. One thing to mind is that while it is okay (necessary even!) to spend time not doing Y as it's becoming habitual, you will avoid those elements in your life that are anti-Y. The void that not doing X opens in your life will start to fill with a variety of things (remember step four) as any good garden should but Y is still fragile and you want it to survive so you need to give it extra protection.

I've done this process a few times now. It's not the only way to change (finding a friend with the desired quality is a good one) but this is the most dependable and deterministic method that I've found.

Grace is a composite of both action and inaction. What unifies the two is intention. This process illustrates both and I hope that following it increases the measure of grace in your life.

#156

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tits-tea-tats · 5 years

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Being a Tattoo Artist isn’t all that it’s hyped up to be

As you develop your individual skills and share your work with the world around you, people will take advantage of your cheaper Apprentice Pricing tattoos, which is fine, and serves the purpose of collecting a clientele base.

But that’s where it starts, People being attracted to an artist for their cheaper rates. Not for the artists unique style, not for the person behind the gloves putting this permanent artwork into your flesh, not for the level of professionalism and care the artist exercises because it is not only our job but our passion, not for the physical and mental preparatory measures we take to ensure a great and smooth tattoo session. I ignored the early warning flags, I knew that would be part of the game until I built a name and reputation for myself.

Eventually, you become JUST a tattoo artist. Here where I live, you’re almost a dime a dozen. If you can’t do the job for that price, they will just go to the next artist. Sure you have your group of loyal clients, some of whom you actually form friendships with, but bottom line for most people, new and old clients, you’re nothing special. If not beause of the pricing, there will be another reason they won’t like you and it won’t be anything you can do about it.

They don’t care what’s happening in your personal life, they don’t want anything possibly messing up their scheduled appointment, Gods forbid if you have a family emergency and need to rebook, and you could treat them like gold for years of working for them, and if there’s one honest hiccup, you’re the worst piece of shit and they are demanding their money back or are sending you pictures of them getting your perfectly in progress or finished work covered or lasered OUT OF SPITE.

We don’t deserve that treatment as artists or as people, but we accept it. WHY? Is it only here? Where is the mutual respect? The human compassion? Tattoos have become a greedy luxury for a big part of the population

Artists are generally very emotional, open, sensitive beings who are well in tune to people and feelings, it’s our strength that makes us great at deciphering through your thoughts and creating a piece of art that genuinely resonates with you. Don’t use our natural way of being against us.

I am blessed to have the now small loyal group of clients/friends who will message me out of the blue and ask “how was your weekend?”, “sorry to hear about your grandfather”, “we should hangout sometime!”. Thank you. You seriously do not know how touching that simple gesture is to me, of caring about me beyond my ‘Tattoo Artist’ facade. Tattoo artists are people, we hurt, we love, we have many other hats waiting to be worn on the hanger after you leave your appointment, same as anyone with a job. You are more than just what you do for a profession.

I’ve ‘lost’ the closests people, dearest to my heart, to being a tattoo artist. Longtime friends getting in touch to hangout and catch up turned to ‘hey I’m home this weekend think you can fit me in for a new tattoo?’. Which isn’t all their fault, as we are busy artists with full schedules, and planning things with friends and family can seem impossible at times.

Family of a tattoo artist are the ones who feel our ‘loss’ the most, after us. It breaks my heart knowing that the lifestyle and schedule of a tattoo artist has negatively changed my familial relationships. It’s all they know of you after a while, tattooing is all you do, everyday, every weekend they want you to join them in something fun, everytime you may be late to or not able to attend a family gathering or birthday. As a person who grew up in a tight-knit family, I now feel very selfish and like I’m thought of holding no value in family, which is so far from the truth and it hurts me deeply.

Of course I don’t mind tattooing friends and family though, I love tattooing, I love using my talents to make people happy and feel good about themselves for getting through a painful but meaningful tattoo. To give them a visual of their lifes experiences. But I’m rarely left feeling appreciated and good about myself in turn. I feel used. I feel undesirable as anything other than a tattoo artist. It’s all I have time for in the schedule and it’s all that I’m good for. I feel neglected until the situation serves the other person to see me.

Tattooing was NEVER suppose to be like this for me. I got in too deep. Took on anyone who wanted anything, and I wasn’t in a position to be selective on who I wanted to let into my artistic world, into my care, into my heart.

A piece of an artists soul goes into everything they create, whatever art form they craft. I’ve lost a lot of my peices, never to be seen again. I’ve had very few but very hurtful goodbyes from people whom I gave my all to, no matter what was going on in my personal life, I kept a professional face and mindset and gave them the best of me.

Tattooing was never meant to go this way for me. When you carelessly out of genuine passion for the art give pieces of your heart out to many people, you can’t expect to get all your pieces back. You can’t feel whole again. Tattooing the wrong people has done its damage to me as an artist emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

This is the real reason I am ending my tattooing career. I need to protect my vulnerable artist spirit before it’s so hurt and I’m so burnt out from bending over backwards for people who don’t truly care about me that I cannot even bring myself to step on the pedal. To look at beautiful tattoo designs. To offer my individual style and personality to those who get tattooed by me for the right reasons, and who genuinely are interested in what’s going on beyond tattooing. It’s not fair to the good people in my life. To my friends and family. To myself.

I am more than a Tattoo Artist. I am an Artist of many mediums, I am a Nature Lover and crave my outdoors time, I am someone who loves learning about and spending time with my innermost circle of family and friends both old and new. I am a good, kind person who will do anything I can for those I care about. I just want to create beautiful things and feel good about them. I want to feel good about being an Artist. I will never be able to shut that talent or mindset off, I come by it naturally. That’s why I’m getting out of the tattoo industry. It’s not all it’s hyped up to be. Not worth the pain I feel every day. Not worth the emotional drain.

For those artists who are thriving in their profession and have their mental and emotional health, I pray things stay golden for you, you found your ways through the trials and tribulations and are loving what you do every day! There is so much talent out there, I love discovering new artists with their unique styles, and staying updated with my personal favourites 💖🙏🏻

To those artists who may find their feet in similar shoes, I pray you find your way through the hardships and can still enjoy crafting your art in a healthy environment and mindset. It’s so important. Don’t let the artist in you die, don’t give up. Just give the artist in you a more suitable ‘studio’ and/or audience/clientele. If I of all people can do this, I know you can too! 💖🙏🏻

Bless those who see me for me, and choose to have my art on them because they feel the connection and trust I will give my best to them, because I will. Mutual respect and understanding means a lot. We are all just people, and I am ever grateful for the good people in my life who understand all of this too 💖🙏🏻

Tattooing was never meant to end like this for me

“Shout out to the artist who took his heart and his soul and lost them both in the process” - Demon Limbs, Pvris

#tattoos #tattoo #artist #tattoo artist #art #mindset #ink #pvris #demon limbs

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ediesundaywrites-blog · 6 years

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diet coke

I’ve got a lot to say. Probably too much to say. That so many of you care to read my words encourages me to carry on with my babbling. It’s no surprise that I have been going through some tough times down here in the deep south. I’ve been pretty vocal—what some would call too vocal—about my emotions and experiences. But alas, I don’t give a shit. What I do give a shit about is pulling myself open and being vulnerable despite how it may be taken, because I know—through all of your emails and messages and comments—that what I say has made people feel less alone. That’s all I ever wanted when I was younger—to feel like someone else experienced what I experienced, that I wasn’t broken or wrong or worthy of shame but rather that I was a human being going through her own unique coming-of-age. Unique in this sense is a synonym for “messy as fuck,” by the way. I won’t tell you my life story. Not just yet. I’m saving that for the book I’ve always known I’ll write.

Thoughts floating around in my head right now are these:

I’m going to write all the time. I have written my entire life and I only stopped when visual art became my primary focus. Since I have been “creatively stunted” since I’ve been in the hell hole that is Tennessee, I’ve started writing more and more. I didn’t realize it until my blog got reported to the place I have been finishing my training at. But in that moment, when it felt like I would have to choose, I realized how much writing means to me. I was not and am not willing to give it up. So while I take this much needed break from making visual art, I hope you will all follow along this other journey—one that started many years ago and through so much pain has finally been reborn.

Also, I am probably too sensitive for this world. Maybe not, I don’t know. But a well-kept secret of mine is that my feelings are hurt allofthefuckingtime. By my friends, my family, people who would never mean to hurt me. Absolute strangers! Yet they do, and I usually don’t say a thing about it. I’m very avoidant when it comes to relationships. It doesn’t make a terrible amount of sense because when I love someone (lover, friend, stranger, whatever) I love so deeply—so deeply that I do not know how to say it. I can’t tell you that I need you. Why? That is weakness; that leaves room for rejection. Instead I isolate myself, ruminate on all of the reasons said person is not responding to me in the way that I need them to—the reasons are usually centered around my own unworthiness/undesirability and rarely do I get to the point where I can say the other person is just a selfish asshole. But it happens. It’s happened a lot recently.

I’m working on this part of myself—this whole being vulnerable in my interpersonal relationships and not just in my art, but it’s horrifying. Why? Because you don’t know who is safe to trust. I don’t know who is safe to trust. I have been treated like a disposable, shameful thing so many times that I’d rather just protect myself and stay the fuck away from anyone I could have an emotional connection to. Anyone who could hurt me. But sometimes it happens without your knowing or expecting. Sometimes you convince yourself that you are impenetrable. That the mask is on so tightly, the façade is impeccable, and you are a chameleon who can be a different person in the blink of an eye. But sometimes someone smiles at you a certain way and you believe in their innocence and you let them in without ever really deciding to, and then comes the shame. I’ve had relationships (friendships and romantic things) like this where the torment lasted months, even years. Mostly it’s just weeks, though, because after what the last person did to me (circa 2011) I have had a very precise radar for tortured souls who care nothing about me as a person and only want to use me momentarily to fulfill some kind of deviant desire, some void, or worse, to stand on top of me and dig their heels in as they silence me and take me for everything I have, claiming it as their own. There are a lot of different ways to be fucked up in this world. I truly hope I have experienced enough of a variety of fucked up-ness to know when to stay away from someone but I know I haven’t. I will still be blinded. I will still mistakenly let people into my life who are absolutely toxic. I just hope that each time it happens, I can bounce back quicker and quicker. And more than anything I hope I can let go of this resentment. Resentment is a gross emotion. It feels gross, it makes you do and say and think gross things, and it’s just poisonous.

I don’t know how else to release it but to write about it. I wish I had some kind of spiritual connection that a lot of you have, but I just don’t. No religion, no astrology, no whatever is popular at the moment to help people make sense of their lives. I think, quite simply, that nothing makes sense and it’s not supposed to make sense. Our purpose as human beings, in my very humble opinion, is to make our own sense of who we are and how we want to live. I want to live without resentment because I spent the first 21 years of my life bathing in it. Blaming others for my pain and sorrow and never for a second thinking about someone but myself. I didn’t consider that maybe other people felt pain and they didn’t know how to love without stinging me, too. I read about something called “Hedgehog’s Dilemma” when I was still in high school and it may have been the very beginning of my understanding that I was not the only sentient being alive on earth. I won’t explain it in depth, but the message is this: “Despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm.”

I always go back to this when someone fucks my emotional world up. Did I cause them pain as well? In some cases, I have learned that I have. Completely unknowingly! (Thus it’s possible that the other individual did not mean to hurt me, either). Other situations are ambiguous and the angry child in me wants to say IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU TREATED ME LIKE DIRT but the adult in me knows it’s more nuanced than that. We all want something from each other at the end of the day, maybe something as genuine as friendship and partnership or something as empty as sex or artistic identity theft. We don’t know what we want from each other until we are face to face, and there is no way to tell what kind of pain (or beauty) will be caused from the meeting of two souls. As much as I want to hide, to protect myself, I know that I don’t thrive that way. My process is going to be a long one of readjusting my expectations of people. I can’t keep expecting something genuine, but I also don’t want to become a reclusive pessimist that trusts no one. But I also don’t want to keep setting myself up to break. I’m tired. It’s a whirlwind. I’ve broken too many times, and there are no benefits to reap from letting yourself be used or tossed around or worse, to serve as someone’s object through which to channel all of their own shame and brokenness.

I have no idea where I will start with this. I write to figure it out. When I started writing, I had no idea I would come to this conclusion about my process. This lowering my expectations to match what I know to be reality. But I’ve arrived, and now I’ll go back to drinking my diet coke and listening to music that reminds me that I am okay—maybe even better than okay.

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