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cordonian-literature · 4 years

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The Aftermath - Ch. 24

A Picnic and Family Time

Summary: Guests feel unsettled during the picnic. Afterwards, Liam spends time with Riley and the kids

Word Count: ~4.0k

Warnings: mention of character death

*All characters belong to Pixelberry, except those that are unique to my story (I’ve also used some characters and fictional instances from Donna Tartt’s book “The Goldfinch”)*

Catch up here!

Tags: @captain-kingliamsqueen @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @gkittylove99 @lovablegranny @iam-the-kind-and-thoughtful @mom2000aggie @kingliam2019 @queenrileyrose @shanzay44 @cordonianroyalty @hopefulmoonobject @hopelessromanticmonie @cinnamonspongecake @queenjilian @kuladekiwi @twinkle-320 @iaminlovewithtrr @charlotteg234 @amandablink @texaskitten30 @tinkie1973 @louiseingram1208 @queencatherynerhys @pens-girl-87 @missevabean @ladyangel70 @sanchita012 @cordonianprincess @liamandneca @cordonia-gothqueen @pink-diamond13

I’m not sure if the tags are working or not, but I hope I got everyone down! If you would like to be added/removed, please let me know, I wouldn’t want to annoy anyone with notifications :)

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- Madeleine -

The Derby went as it had every year. There was nothing new, exciting, or eventful — there was a consistent lack of things that would interest Madeleine or convince her into believing she would enjoy this Social Season or that it would benefit her in any capacity. She didn’t see the King or his son, but she knew that they were together and were in attendance, for the paparazzi lingered around every corner and stared at everyone who walked past.

Madeleine arrived at the Derby with the son of one of her mother’s old friends: Edward Taylor, but he was disastrously unentertaining — though she had to admit that he was a respectable companion, and the status and reputation of his house would do tremendous good to Madeleine’s own house.

And though his hand was always at her elbow and they were continuously at each other’s side, Edward never engaged himself in a conversation with Madeleine.

The car ride to the picnic was silent, and Madeleine couldn’t even hear Edward breath. She didn’t really care, and kept her eyes on the scenery outside.

They walk onto the picnic area, where people of the court had gathered. The fresh air and the dense greenery around them was refreshing to Madeleine.

They had come a little late, as Edward had been engaged in a conversation with another nobleman at the end of the Derby. Madeleine didn’t know how to pull him away without seeming disrespectful, so she waited while the men finished talking. They had missed King Liam’s opening remarks, and Madeleine felt upset at the missed opportunity to show her support for him.

The decor was as luxurious as was expected of royal events, but the colors of the Cordonian flag were more prominent, and there were more symbols of the Cordonian crest compared to usual.

She knew that this was in honor of the late Queen Mother, but she doubted that King Liam had wanted to have this done for her.

In the middle of her moment of observation, someone familiar catches her eye.

Katie. The woman who stole Leo away from Cordonia, and away from Madeleine.

She begins to walk in their direction, causing Edward to call out to her in a monotone and exhausted voice — which Madeleine ignores. Two children come into view, and her heart shakes, reconsidering what she was doing. Then, Lady Kiara comes into view, and Madeleine decides to turn away.

Almost instinctively, she wants to look for Regina, who used to be one of the only people who could entertain Madeleine during such events — but then she remembers, and feels a keen emptiness without the Queen Mother.

The only other person closest to her is a woman with three poodles around her ankles, and even though Madeleine tries to avoid her and walk back to Edward, Lady Penelope still notices and greets Countess Madeleine.

“Madeleine!” she cries, leaning forward to lightly embrace her and pat her on the shoulder. Madeleine feels the dog leashes itching at her skin, and she pulls away, wondering what gave Penelope the confidence to do such a thing.

In the rest of Penelope’s group is Lord Ezekiel, Countess Hana, and Lady Riley.

“Pleasure to see you, Countess,” Ezekiel greets.

Madeleine nods at him before turning to Hana. In a light voice she says, “I’m glad to see that you’ve decided to join us for the Social Season, Hana.” Madeleine turns away for a moment, looking around at the rest of the guests, trying to find Neville. “The Earl is not in attendance?”

Hana’s face reddens a little, and Madeleine feels genuinely sorry for upsetting her. “He will join us tomorrow in Lythikos,” Hana informs her.

Madeleine gives a genuine smile, hoping that would ease Hana. She slowly turns to look at Lady Riley, who smiles politely at the group.

She examines Riley for a moment, who, to Madeleine’s surprise, is well put together, and looks like a worthy member of the court — more so than how she looked during her first Social Season ten years ago.

Lady Riley nods respectfully. “Countess Madeleine.”

Madeleine thinks before replying. “Are you enjoying the festivities so far?”

“Yes. It’s nice to see everyone again.”

“I’m sure it is,” Madeleine responds, slightly annoyed. “Your departure left quite a hole in Cordonia.” She wanted to say, You left a hole in Liam, and because of that Cordonia’s leadership is questioned everyday, but Madeleine smiles and walks away before Riley can say anything else.

She mingles with other guests, purposefully avoiding the King and Queen of Auvernal and their children. Madeleine notices her mother in a group with other ladies of the court, and she walks over.

“And I heard that they might have to check our luggage,” says a Countess.

“Mon Dieu!” the Duchess of Castelsarreillan cries. “You cannot be serious?”

“It’s only a rumor, but what else can His Majesty do?” another woman comments. “If it ends up happening, I would support it. Priceless artifacts are being stolen all over Europe. We must make sure the thief has no connection to the nobility.”

“His Majesty would be able to solve this crisis,” a Duke states, leaning in towards the group. “If he wasn’t so distracted.” The man leans backwards and pointedly looks in Riley’s direction, who’s in a conversation with Drake and another woman.

“Oh, don’t be so mean!” Madeleine’s mother exclaims, taking another sip of champagne.

“But, Adelaide, you must admit.” One of the women put their hand on Adelaide’s arm. “She had her opportunity to win his hand, and even though the scandal with that nobleman was not her fault, she’s lost her chance. It’s time for His Majesty to move on.”

“And it’s time for some of the other ladies to get a chance,” another woman says. “We all know he swept aside Countess Madeleine to ask for her hand, but clearly she didn’t want it, even though she was pregnant with his child.”

The ladies give cold smiles in the group and turn away from each other as King Liam announces that the croquet matches will begin.

Madeleine looks around for the little prince, and notices him near another young girl and the two children that had been standing near Katie. She turns again, and notices King Liam beginning a game with Lady Riley against Countess Hana and Duke Rashad.

Madeleine looks around again, trying to spot out Leo. She sees Katie, talking to a group on one side of the lawn, and then notices Leo on a table eating some sweets.

“Leo, darling,” Madeleine greets, taking a seat next to him. “I hope you’re enjoying the Social Season so far. I didn’t expect you to participate.”

“Mhm,” Leo mumbles.

“How are Katie and the children?”

He looks up for a moment, then glances back down at his plate. “Well. How are you and your mother holding up?”

“We’re well, thank you.” She wants to say something more to him, but when she takes a moment to process her thoughts, she comes to terms with the fact that she can’t — or rather shouldn’t — say anything to him. He was happy with Katie, with the life he’s living, and though Madeleine wanted that life to be with her, she tells herself that it’s too late for that. She doesn’t have to keep bringing that up to him, or else she’ll look desperate, and she wasn’t going to embarrass herself or sully her reputation.

“You haven’t talked to Liam recently, have you?” he asks her.

“No. Though there were some issues I wished to discuss with him, he wasn’t available for me to speak with. I’ve heard he spent the majority of the past two weeks at the Beaumont Estate with Riley and her children.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You’re here to support him, aren’t you?”

“Yup. And I figured it would also be nice for my kids to meet Riley’s.”

There’s a hint of exhaustion in his voice, but Madeleine doesn’t know where it’s coming from. She wants to console him, to get him to open up to her, but notices Katie on her way over.

“Madeleine,” Leo’s wife greets.

“It’s nice to see you again, Katie,” Madeleine responds, doing her best to be polite for Leo’s sake.

“Oh, I’m sure it is.” There’s a hint of resentment in Katie’s voice, and though Madeleine wants to take that initiative to give the woman a piece of her mind, she decides to walk away and watch Edward complete a croquet match with some other gentlemen.

- Riley -

Ten years hadn’t doused my anger at Madeleine. Sure the scandal wasn’t her fault, but I definitely wasn’t going to forgive her for the crap she gave me (and Hana and Penelope, too!) during the Engagement Tour. I saw her walking around aimlessly after the croquet matches started. She took a seat near Leo, and when Katie started walking up to them, I was surprised to see Madeleine get up and walk away without causing some nonsense.

Our little conversation left me angry, and I wanted to go back to her and put her in her place, but as Liam and the children came into my view, I was calm.

Liam was taking a liking to the children, and I was glad that they were taking a liking to him as well.

There was a small voice telling me that I should still be careful around Liam, but I was learning to ignore it. Not only was I sorry of everything that had happened to him, but I wanted myself to feel at peace, too. Living with Theo had made me believe that I wouldn’t receive pure love from anyone again in my life, but the moments Liam and I shared yesterday on the balcony had done a lot to change my mind.

Liam approached me and asked if I wanted to play croquet with him. I accepted, and we played against Hana and Rashad.

I remembered that Rashad was one of the gentlemen that Hana’s father had wanted her to marry, and I wanted to keep him away from her, only to give her some more peace before she would have to deal with Neville in the next few days. But I notice a genuine smile on her face, and figure that she’s alright.

Liam and I won the game, and Gabe and Ella, along with Leo’s two children, came over and cheered for us.

We led the kids to a table, where there were a variety of sandwiches and sweets laid out for us. Gabe and Ella pick up a variety of breads lined with chocolate.

“Cronuts?!” Maxwell cries, running up to the table. He grabs a cronut and takes a large bite. “Awf, I miffed thif, if fo good,” Maxwell mumbles through a mouth full of food. Rowan takes a seat next to him as Hana, Drake, and Jessica sit.

“How did you two enjoy the picnic?” Jessica asks the children.

They finish chewing their food, and Ella comments, “It was fun.”

“Did you get a chance to play croquet?” Hana questions.

“Yup!” Ella tells everyone. “Me and Heather won against Gabe and Hunter, and then Gabe and me won against Hunter and Heather!”

“So clearly you’re the M.V.P.!” Maxwell cries, reaching up to give Ella a high-five.

Everyone continues eating, then after a moment Jessica says, “These are really good,” while poking at her cronut.

“You’ve never had one before?” Hana asks.

“No.” She gives a small laugh. “I don’t really eat sweets.”

“Healthy lifestyle,” Rowan comments, nodding. “I get that.”

Everyone continues eating in silence. Taking a bite of a cronut brings back memories, which are thankfully not painful.

I look around at the group in front of me, and feel glad that we’re all back together. Liam, Maxwell, and Drake talk with the kids while Hana, Rowan, and Jessica converse with each other.

After all of the guests finish eating, I half expect Drake to complain that he’s still hungry. But instead he laces his arm through Jessica’s and they make their way back to the palace. Rowan and Maxwell leave hand in hand, and I’m suddenly suspicious of their relationship.

Liam bade farewell to everyone who was leaving. I was about to follow Hana into her limo, but Liam stops me.

“Riley, I was wondering,” he tells me.

“What is it?”

“I wanted to know if you and the children would like to go see a movie tonight.” The smile on his face is captivating.

“Really? Are you sure you won’t have to sneak out?” I joke.

He gives a hearty laugh, and I love the way his eyes sparkle. “As King I can come and go as I please.”

“In that case, we would love to accompany you.”

“Wonderful.” He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles. I turn away to go look for the kids, and Liam goes to say goodbye to the rest of the guests.

...

In the car ride over to the theater, Gabe and Ella are glued to the window, looking out at the lights of the city.

Liam sits near them, pointing out all the sights and historical monuments. Gabe and Ella ask questions, which Liam answers enthusiastically.

For some reason I want to cry looking at the three of them. I hadn’t really asked Gabe how he felt about Liam recently, but the fact that Gabe and Ella had been able to adapt to Liam’s presence so quickly makes me hate myself. They’re so happy, and I kept them from this happiness for too long.

When we reach the theater, Gabe and Ella lead us towards the door while Liam and I walk besides each other.

“I had them call ahead and reserve a cinema for us,” he tells me.

Ella gasps. “Really?”

Liam chuckles, an adoring look on his face. “Yes, and it’s for whatever movie you both want to watch.”

We walk into the lobby, where the cashier bows his head when he notices Liam. The man smiles nervously at the rest of us.

There aren’t that many other people around, and no one pays attention to us.

Gabe and Ella lift up their heads to look at the names of movies on the screens above them. I notice Liam look up, too, and then Ella gives her selection.

I reach for my purse, but Liam’s already taken his wallet out and paid.

“Oh, you didn’t have to—” I try to say, but Liam already has the tickets and follows Gabe and Ella, ushering me to come along.

Suddenly they turn away from the candy booths and go towards the small arcade. Gabe reads the name of all the different games and Ella peaks at toys that are in a claw machine.

“Look!” She brings our attention towards a stuffed animal. “A fluffy bee!”

“Do you want it?” Liam asks her, walking up to the joystick.

“No, it’s okay. I was just looking at it.”

“Plus,” I jump in. “No one ever wins these things, they’re rigged.”

Liam reaches into his wallet to take out a coin. “All it takes is some practice.”

He turns back towards the claw machine, focusing on the stuffed bee. Liam takes a few moments to align it, then clicks the button, and grabs it!

“How did you do that?” Gabe asks.

“Magic,” Ella whispers, narrowing her eyes at Liam.

The three of them share a laugh. Liam hands the bee to Ella, who hugs Liam and says, “Thank you, Daddyo!”

“It wasn’t magic, unfortunately,” he tells the kids. “My brother convinced my father to get one of these for the palace, and then put all my stuff in the machine. I had to get good at it so I could retrieve my belongings.”

“Is the claw machine still at the palace?” Gabe asks.

“I’m not sure, but we can check.”

“Yay!” Ella cries, then leads us back towards the candy counter.

The kids discuss what candies they want while Liam buys two large popcorns.

As we watch the popcorn pop in the machine, Ella whispers up at me, “Mama, I have three dollars for candy!” She proceeds to take out three U.S. dollars. “Do you want anything?”

I laugh as quietly as I can. “Baby, you can’t use those here.”

“Aw, Gabe said that, too,” she exclaims, looking down at her dollars sadly. I remember Theo was the one who told her that she should always keep some money in case she wanted something to eat, and my smile falters.

“Can we get chocolate?” Gabe asks Liam, who turns around and orders three pouches of chocolate candy.

Gabe carries one large popcorn, while Liam reaches for the other. He hands Ella all three pouches of candy, and the cashier tell us where our movie is.

Inside, the lights are still on and the screen is blank. Ella rushes to the front of the screen, then turns around, facing the empty seats. She holds her stuffed bee above her head and cries, “HELLOOOO!”

Gabe follows her while Liam follows me to a few seats in the back row.

Ella looks out at the empty seats sadly. “There’s no echo.”

“You only get echoes in caves, Ella,” Gabriel tells her, putting his popcorn down. Ella places her stuffed bee near the popcorn, then they run around the empty theater, Gabe trying to catch Ella. Liam’s eyes follow them.

Their moment of pure joy makes me want to cry again. Why had I kept them all from it so long?

The lights begin to dim, and Gabe and Ella are still near the screen.

“Gabe, did you lose the popcorn?” Ella asks him. “And where’s my bee?!” I can’t see where they are in the dark.

“Look, I found it!” he says.

“Do you two want to come sit with us?” Liam calls to them.

Ella speaks up, “Daddyo, I can’t even see you!”

“We can sit here,” Gabe says, ushering his sister towards a seat a few rows ahead of us.

“I think that would be better,” Liam says quietly. “If they tried to come back up they could have fallen.”

Before I can say anything else, the screen lights up as the movie begins.

I had forgot to ask the kids about what movie they choose, but I decide that I’ll figure it out eventually.

It’s a kid’s movie, and I assume that it’s Disney since the first ten minutes are spent detailing a sad backstory.

And yet again I remember Theo. He was the one who always brought the kids to see new Disney movies, he was the one who suggested we go to Disneyland for the kids’ entertainment, and then suggested we go to Disney World the next summer. I hate the amount of times I’ve thought about him today.

Liam and I watch silently, occasionally hearing the kids laugh or Gabe cough.

More than halfway through the movie, Liam turns to me. “Did you enjoy your day today?” he asks me softly.

I turn to him, seeing half of his face illuminated by the light from the screen. “Yeah, I did. And thanks for bringing the kids and I.”

“It’s my pleasure.” We continue to look at each other and don’t look back at the screen.

Finally, he looks down at his lap for a moment. “Have you spoken to your mother recently?”

“No, actually,” I answer. “She’s been busy.”

“Of course.” He turns back to watch the movie for a few minutes before turning back. “Did you ever work for Theodore’s company?”

“Not really,” I tell him in a low voice. “Sometimes I would help plan events, especially when Theo needed something last minute. Other than that I mostly just stayed home with the kids.”

He smiles. “Did you and Theo travel a lot?”

I lean towards him a little. When I realize how close we are, I almost force myself to move back. But I feel comfortable around him, so I smile and tell him, “We mostly traveled around the states. Sometimes to Amsterdam and Sweden to meet up with Boris. Other than that, we only went on vacation sometimes.”

A part of me wanted to tell him that I used to go crazy trying to convince Theo that we should take a trip to Cordonia, but I don’t want to force us back into those feelings.

“I used to travel to the states at least three times a year,” he tells me.

The air rushes out of my lungs. I feel overwhelmed with pity and guilt. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that for nothing,” I tell him, hoping that he would understand how apologetic I really felt.

But he turns to me again with that charming smile on his face. “It wasn’t for nothing. Aren’t you here with me now?”

There’s hope in his eyes. Hope, love, and longing. Part of it was probably sorrow, but nonetheless, my heart swells.

“I’ve loved you, Riley Brooks,” Liam says lightly, careful not to speak too loud to distract the children from the movie. He reaches for my hand, clasping it tightly within his own.

Again there’s that small voice in my head telling me to pull away — and I’m slightly shocked that I have the strength to ignore it.

“...And I will never stop loving you,” he continues, his voice lower this time.

I want to lean into him, just to show him that I want him back in my heart, but the lights turn back on.

“That was nice,” Ella comments as her and Gabe walk towards the exit.

Liam and I stand, still holding each other’s hands, and we follow the kids out the lobby and into the car.

Gabe and Ella tell Liam what they liked about the movie. I do my best to focus, but sleep pokes at my eyes. I still do my best to watch them talk and listen to little bits of the conversation, and I feel complete. The stress and worry that edged at me these past few days was gone. Liam and the kids had figured out their relationship on their own.

The only thing left was Liam and I. Part of me wanted to leave us as we were. We were civil with each other, especially around the kids, and we were both already doing a good job co-parenting.

But another part of me knew that co-parenting couldn’t be the only thing between us. Maybe I was trying to convince myself that nothing could happen between us since we had been separated for a decade, but whenever I was remotely near Liam, I felt the same way as I had during my first Social Season. I wanted his attention, his care, his love. And here we were, as he gave it all to me — and the children — voluntarily.

What on Earth had pushed me away from him?

Liam and I follow the kids towards their rooms. I go to tuck in Gabe, while he does the same with Ella. As I go back towards my room and he retreats towards his, we bump into each other again.

“Allow me to walk you to your room?” he asks, holding out his arm.

I blush, suddenly feeling a bit shy now that we were back in the palace and anyone could see us. But I still say, “I would like that.”

Outside my door, he leans in to kiss my cheek, then brings my hand to his lips to kiss my knuckles.

I hear footsteps down the hall, so I quickly wish him goodnight before slipping into my room.

I can’t bring myself to sleep. I was slightly upset that we had to part ways, but excitement builds in me for everything that could happen in Lythikos.

#the royal romance #choices trr #choices the royal romance #choices trr fanfic #king liam #king liam x mc #trr king liam x mc #trr king liam #liam x mc #trr liam x mc #trr fanfic #trr fandom #trr fanfiction #trh fanfic #trh fandom #trh liam #the royal romance fanfic #the royal romance fandom #choices stories you play

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mysterioh · 4 years

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The Ignorant Beauty and The Beast of New York - Ch. 13

PAIRING: MOB!STEVE ROGERS X READER

SYNOPSIS: Y/N is an exhausted bio major. Steve is danger with a capital DANGER. She thinks he’s a sarcastic prick with an impressive knowledge of art history. He thinks she’s cute even if she’s only running on one brain cell. All he wants is a single date, but she’s adamant upon denying.

A/N: This one’s for the girls who feel underappreciated. Love you all! 💗

W/C: ~5k (kinda long this time)

Masterlist

Insert Very Cute Very Soft Title

“He’s so fluffy!” you fawned, squatting down to the dog's level, hands pressed against your cheeks as you looked at the fluffy cotton ball in complete awe.

Lucky sat on his bottom, smiling and panting with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, unaware of the effect he was having on you. He sat relaxed but ready to pounce on Steve if he let him. You squealed, shaking your head back and forth, and the mob men find it amusing.

"Don’t be rude Lucky, shake hands," Steve chuckled behind you.

“Hello, Lucky,” you placed your hand in front of him and he placed his paw on top. “So cute!” you screamed in awe. Steve pays close attention to the way your fingers sift through his luscious white fur. "Oh my god, you’re so soft!"

“She really likes Lucky," Bucky chuckled.

“I never knew she could be that nice," Steve shakes his head. His confusion and shock slowly morph into envy by the way you're playing with Lucky. "I can’t believe I’m jealous of a dog.”

“Hey, at least you know she isn’t a gold digger," Sam said. You're too busy with the dog that you don't pay them any mind. "She completely ignored this giant mansion filled with priceless treasures."

"Would you shut up?" Steve asked annoyed. "She's literally right there."

"She's gone, bro," Bucky crossed his arms. "She's not coming back anytime soon."

"You guys are finally here," Nat said, strutting towards them from the hallway. "I was wondering where you were."

You stand up as the redhead walks towards you. "And you brought a friend," she smirks at Steve. He looks away with an irritated blush creeping on his cheeks.

"Hi, I think we met at the restaurant," you extended your hand for a shake. "My name is–"

"Y/N," Nat shakes your hand. "I know. Stevie's told me a lot about you."

Your face flushed warm and you turned towards him with a wicked grin.

"Is that true, Stevie?"

Steve gulps when you tease him, it's like a sweet blaze burning through his veins. Steve's lips form into a pout before clicking his tongue.

"Alright, it ain't that funny," he said pointedly at the three snickering mischievously. "Sam, Bucky, Nat, in my office now," he ordered firmly, but it didn't phase them. "Peter stay here with Y/N."

"Aye, aye, Captain." He saluted.

He walks up to you and scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "I gotta have a quick meeting. If that's okay with you?"

"No problem with me," you shake your head.

Steve smiles brightly. "Thanks, it won't be too long. Make yourself at home," he turned on his heel. "If you need anything just ask Peter."

You chuckled. "Don't worry, I'll be fine, Stevie," you teased.

Steve shakes his head with a blush staining his cheeks. "Stop," he said in an attempt to sound serious but trails off into a flustered chuckle.

You turn to look at Peter. “So what do we do now?”

“I don’t know,” Peter shrugs, “how about we sneak around and do something illegal?”

“In the kingpin’s house?” you smirked. “I love that idea.”

“Great,” he beams, “Let’s—” Peter’s ringtone goes off and digs his hand into his pocket for his phone. He pulls it out and sighs. “It’s my girlfriend.”

“Why must your girlfriend so conveniently call when we are on the brink of a major discovery?”

“I don’t know,” Peter chuckled, “I shall answer and find out,” he takes a skip towards the living room for some privacy, leaving you alone with Lucky.

You crouch down to his level. “Well, Lucky, I suppose our mystery gang is down to two,” you said, cupping his cheeks. “What do we do now? Got any embarrassing pictures of your old man we can go through?”

Lucky barks and rushes off somewhere. He returns not a minute later with a ball in his mouth. He places the ball on the floor in front of you and pants heavily.

“Ball?” you asked, “Are you even allowed to play ball in the house?” You shrugged, taking the ball into your hand. “Well, Steve did say to make ourselves at home. So that means— catch !”

Lucky scrambles after the ball, slipping along the shiny marble floor of the foyer and into the hallway. You wait patiently for him to return, observing the interior of the mansion’s foyer. The house was styled in an old French Country Style with worn and ornamental wooden furnishings and soft tones of warm colors. In the middle of the foyer was the staircase lined with shining mahogany banisters that narrow at the top and grow wide downwards. The walls are decorated with various paintings. All matching perfectly with the decor.

You snorted while placing your hands on your hips. Of course, he’d have paintings in his house. It’s not like he couldn’t afford it.

You realize that a couple of minutes have passed and Lucky still hadn’t returned with the ball. You walk down the hallway calling Lucky’s name quietly. The low tone of conversation comes from one of the rooms and you tiptoed towards the door, cracked open just enough for a beam of light to peer through.

Crouching against the wall, you crane your neck towards the door to listen to the conversation inside. You were never one to eavesdrop but you had a lot of questions about Steve. A lot of questions he probably wouldn't want to answer.

You squeak at the feel of something soft brush against your leg and turn to find Lucky sitting next to you, ball in mouth. He drops the ball drenched in his slobber into your hand. Slightly disgusted you smiled at him. “Where have you been?” you whispered before turning back inside.

"Those men were either Rumlow or Chicago, we're not exactly sure."

"We'll find out."

"Chill out, Stevie, the girl's fine."

"It's not something to chill out about, Bucky," Steve countered, "She could've gotten hurt."

There's a genuine sound of worry and care in his words and even without taking a peek inside, you imagine what he looks like. Eyebrows knitted loosely in frustration, lips curved downward slightly in anger, jaw ticking, muscles bulging underneath white sleeves pushed up past his elbows, and hands placed flat on his desk as he's hunched over with the most despicable expression on his face. And it's all because of you. For you. You didn't know if it was right or wrong.

Bucky snorted along to the creaking of the chair he was sitting on being balanced on its hind legs. "Not when her prince in shining armor's there to save h–ow! Okay! I'm sorry!" He hollered.

"This isn't a time for jokes, Buck," Nat stated, seriously.

"The clown can't help himself," Sam snickered.

"Screw you, Wilson," Bucky jabbed. Sam was ready to retort but Nat interjected.

"What if it's neither?" Nat proposed. "What if they're all working together?"

"What do you mean?" Bucky asked, clueless. Nat sighed.

"Think about it. The Gambinos work with Lucchese. They're pals. Rumlow’s working with Lucchese and he shows up with this proposition right after Steve decided to nuke the Gambino brothers."

_Wait, nuke who? Nuke as in bomb? He's killing people? _

_All of a sudden, Quentin's highly irritating, fatherly voice twinkles in the back of your head. _

"You mean they're all in this together?" Sam questioned.

"What else am I trying to say?" Nat snapped.

"Woah Sis, better check that attitude," Bucky replied.

"You wanna say that again, Buckethead?" She asked, dangerously low.

Bucky gulps while shaking his head.

"Thought so."

"If they're all working together, who's the head?" Sam said, rubbing his hand across his chin.

"It could be a compromise?" Nat stated. "Working together to take over?"

"No, they ain't that buddy-buddy," Steve counters with a grumble. "There's gotta be one at the top that brought them together."

The room goes silent for a few minutes and you can hear your heartbeat bouncing back and forth between your chest and the wall. Lucky opens his mouth to bark and you quickly cover it with your hands.

"Sshh," you whispered with a finger in front of your lips.

"Hydra," Steve stated and your attention returns to inside.

"What?" Bucky asked incredulously, "there's no way."

"No wait a second," Sam stopped him. "The Gambinos were working with Hydra behind our back. Who's to say Lucchese isn't?"

"Sam's got a point," Nat agreed. "Hydra could be the head. They're covering themselves up with the big guys and those dumbasses are falling for it."

Bucky nodded. "Makes sense. The underdog's taking a chance to make it to the top."

"Well they're messing with the wrong mob," Sam snarled. "We'll show 'em just what we're made of."

"But, we can't afford a war," Bucky reminded, "Not when elections are coming up."

War? What does he mean by that? Does he mean like a GANG WAR? OH GOD, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

"Bucky's right,” Steve agrees.

"For once," Nat quickly replied, earning a grumble from Bucky.

"Here's what we do," Steve started. You notice just how different he sounds. Stately and somewhat dictating, very serious with speckles of something dark. Something that makes shivers crawl down your spine. He doesn't sound like the Steve you knew.

“We wade this out," he continues, “Let it pass until the elections are over and then we hit ‘em."

"You think T'challa's gonna like that?" Nat asked.

"He will if he wants to keep his ass on that chair," Sam retorts.

"We don't make any moves until the elections pass and he wins," Steve re-stated. "Tell everyone working under you to lay low. No fights. No bullshit," he ordered. "We make 'em feel like it was nothing. Ya hear?"

"Got it," Bucky nodded.

You hear them shuffling inside, chairs being pushed, and steps coming towards the door and take it as your cue to disappear. Quickly picking up Lucky, who's heavier than he looks, you quietly run down the hall just as Bucky opens the door.

"And the girl?" Nat asked while Sam helped her put her coat on.

"What about her?" Steve asked, clearing the papers from his desk.

"If you're gonna keep her around, which you probably are, you have to tell her what she's getting into."

Steve sighs and drops his papers back onto the desk.

"Nat's right, buddy, she needs to know before it gets worse," Bucky agreed.

"I'll talk to her," Steve responded.

"Tonight?" Nat asked her tone stating that he better say yes.

"Tonight."

A haze of smoke dances underneath dim lights, above and around the round table of Sir Alexander's notorious mobsters.

The thick smell of alcohol and cigars mingled with the aroma of day-old pizza inside of Gino's Pizzeria. A few sat around the table playing cards, laughing raucously at another lewd joke. Others lined the bar with the wall illuminated by speckled bar lights shining through bottles of different hues.

It was always a den of debauchery, alcoholism, and the great unwashed of the town. No one came there with anything wholesome in mind.

Strucker walks past the men, each of them giving their stalwart a greeting nod or word, and into the back. He opens the door, gaining the attention of the men sitting around the table. They look at him with questioning eyes and he gulps silently. His eyes meet the cold ones of the man at the head of the table, sending a shiver down the grown man's spine. Alexander Pierce, the leader of Hydra.

"He got away," Strucker informed.

"How'd you let that happen?" Pierce asked, tapping his finger against the wooden table.

"It was dark," he said blankly.

"Are you fucking serious?" Rumlow asked incredulously. "He's not serious is he?" He points at Strucker while looking at Zemo.

Zemo sighed, slightly irritated by Rumlow. He's been all night. "With all due respect sir, I told you it would've been a bad move to do this," Zemo told Pierce. "But it's not like anyone listens to me around here," he looks straight at Rumlow.

"What the hell are you looking at me for?" He pointed at himself with both his hands. "I had an idea and you all liked it. How is this solely my fault?"

"Everything you ever come up with goes to shit," Zemo stated flatly. "Now the kingpin knows we're sneaking around."

"They don't know it's us," Rumlow retorted.

"But they know it's someone and most likely you," Zemo said pointedly.

"The boss gave me the okay," Rumlow replied. Zemo always had a way of getting under his skin. "So your opinion doesn't matter."

"After begging like a dog for it," Zemo bites.

Rumlow quickly stands, shaking the table along with him. "You wanna say that again?" He threatens with a grisly voice.

"Rumlow, sit down," Pierce stated calmly, unphased by his outrage, but slightly irritated by the three of them. "Zemo, shut up."

The two follow their stalwart's orders giving each other death stares making the older man sighed deeply like a tired mother.

"The Brooklyn Mob is the biggest force in the city. They've got the biggest territory. The best guys. And all the politicians that can do something," Zemo lists. "They got the mayor. Half the police force on their payroll. The best damn lawyer in the city."

"Nick Fury's getting old. He can't do that forever," Strucker said, lighting a cigarette.

"For old Rogers? I highly doubt it." Rumlow guffaws. "You know how much he gets paid for keeping his ass outta jail?"

"But there's always a weak spot," Pierce pointed out, cigar hanging out the side of his mouth. "No great empire lasts forever. They all have a weakness.” he sits back in his chair, hooking his leg over the other. “All we need to do is find one.”

“How are you going to do that?” Rumlow asked, completely confused. “No Brooklyn mobster is dumb enough to go against the kingpin, not like they want to anyway. They’re the cockiest little shits I’ve ever met.”

Zemo shakes his head. “You’re thinking too outwardly, Rumlow. We need someone on the inside, someone close to ol’ Rogers.”

“You mean like Barnes or Wilson?” Rumlow questioned, incredulously. “Good luck with that Harvard man.” Zemo huffs through his nose with a grimace.

"We need something. Something good,” Pierce told them. “Something that'll make the kingpin fall so far that he'll never get back up."

“I think I have something,” Strucker raises his hand.

“Strucker, be quiet, you don’t even have a brain,” Rumlow shuts him down.

“Honestly listen to me,” he persisted. “There’s some talk going on around the city.”

“Well, are you gonna tell us?” Pierce questioned harshly.

“Apparently, Rogers’ got a girl.”

Rumlow scoffed. “That’s news? Who cares about some chick he’s fucking?”

“No, no this may be something,” Pierce counters and Strucker smiles small. “Rogers is a gentleman. He’s sweet around the ladies.”

“Well, whoop de doo his momma taught him some manners before kicking the bucket. So what?”

“Whoever this girl is,” Strucker started. “She’s important to him. Maybe even more than his damn mob. I mean everyone knows the kingpin doesn’t back out of a fight, but this time he did and wanna know why? Because she was there with him.”

“Who is this girl?” Zemo asked him.

“I don’t know. No one knows,” he shrugs, “Probably a civilian.”

“So what do we do?” Rumlow asks the others. “Go after the girl? Bribe him into it?”

Pierce shakes his head with a frown. “No, I’ll tell you what we’re going to do,” he stood up, looking at his three best. “Rumlow, you’re gonna stay low.” he pointed at him then at Strucker.

“Strucker, you’re gonna find this girl, get every piece of information you can on her. Every damn thing you hear me?” Strucker nods in haphazard. “But don’t make a move. Not until I say so. This girl may just be what we need,” Pierce smiles devilishly and laughs haughtily.

“And what about me?” Zemo asked with furrowed brows.

“Pack your bags, kid, you’re going on a trip,” he patted him on the shoulder as he walked by.

“What?” he questioned Pierce as he walked away. “Where?”

Pierce stops at the door and turns back with a wicked glint in his eye and the gears in his aged brain concocting a toxic plan.

“Jolly old England!”

“So you live in this huge place all alone?” you asked, sitting on a stool by the kitchen island with Lucky resting on the floor next to you.

The kitchen alone was bigger than your entire apartment complete with granite-topped counters, sparkling clean kitchen items, and that never-ending fridge Bucky was talking about.

"Not really," Steve said, making some coffee. "I've got a penthouse. Smaller. Closer to work. I usually stay there."

"But you're still all alone.”

Steve stops for a second to ruminate on your words. True, he was alone. He didn’t have any family left, except for Lucky. He always tried not to think about it by keeping himself busy, but loneliness had a way of sneaking up on him. He shrugged, pulling out two mugs from the cabinet above him.

"I don't know being alone isn't so bad,” he replied, placing the cups down. “It gives you time to think. About yourself. About what you want in life and what you don't,” You listened while watching him pour some coffee into a mug. “You can use that time to find out something you never knew about yourself."

“I guess,” you replied sheepishly.

He turns with a smile telling you not to feel bad. He places a mug in front of you. "Besides I'm not always alone. I've got my friends."

"Oh yeah,” you chuckled. “How could I ever forget them? They're kinda hard to miss."

Steve laughs, returning to the counter to get his cup. "Sorry if they're annoying."

"No, they're not annoying,” you shake your head, cupping the mug with both of your hands. "I like them. They seem like a lot of fun."

He snorts. "They can be when they want to."

You take a sip of the hot liquid. A sweet wave of French Vanilla bombards your tastebuds. You notice a yellow sketchbook, sticking out from underneath some junk mail. Without thinking, you pull the book out.

"You draw?"

He turns to see you with his book in your hand. He smiles sheepishly. Why did I leave that there!? "A little,” he replied, turning back to work on his coffee.

"Seems to be more than a little,” you chuckled. "Can I?"

"Hmm, oh yeah sure go ahead,” he said, adding some creamer to his mug. He stops midway when he realizes what book was in your hand. The yellow one. The one no one was supposed to see. Especially the girl who’s picture he drew horribly in it.

He almost drops the creamer as he quickly lunges over the granite top as you turned the page. "W-wait! Not—not that one!" he shouted, as you turned the page to reveal a picture of you. It’s a simple headshot going down to just above your chest.

Steve’s face goes red as half off him lays on top of the table, watching the way you’re looking at the picture he drew. Your eyes move from place to place, taking in every part he drew with attention to detail. Every stroke twisted into a lacy network of pencil lead. The painstaking task of shading to represent the contrast between light and dark. It’s fragile, natural, beautiful in its own way.

It makes you think. How long did he take to make this? How many hours did he erase to get it all right? Every line has been made with care, every stroke with you in mind.

Brushing your fingers along the picture you gasp in awe. "This is me."

"It is," he murmurs. You turn quiet and look at the sketch in wonder. Steve takes your silence as you being weirded out and begins to ramble an excuse.

"I'm really sorry. I just...I don't know what happened to me and I drew this cause I was thinking about you and I know it's really creepy—."

"I like it," you interrupted.

"What?"

"I said I like it. I love it actually," you looked up at him, beaming. "I've never had my portrait done before."

He stands straight and scratches the back of his head still embarrassed. "I'm- um- glad you like it."

"You've really outdone yourself with this. I don't even look this pretty," you remarked.

Steve was taken aback at first then shakes his head with a sad smile.

"I don't–I don't think that at all. I'm still lacking so much. I still can't get that pretty smile of yours right or that sparkle in your eye," lifting up your head, your eyes meet his vibrant, honest ones. "I'll never be able to recreate the things that make you so beautiful.”

Beautiful .

That's something you've never really felt before. Something no one's ever really said before. It's always been the opposite. There are a million flaws you could pick out right there and then, but you take his words as truth.

There's a dry ache in your throat as tears start to bubble at the corners of your eyes. You sniffle as teardrops fall onto the paper.

"What's wrong?" Steve came towards you in a hurry.

You shake your head, wiping away the tears "It's just," you sniffled, rubbing your eye. "No one's ever really said that to me before," you look up with a smile and red eyes. "Sorry, I'm getting your book all wet," you chuckled, avoiding his eyes.

His heart aches at your words, his fingers itching to wrap around you in an embrace. He wants you to feel loved . Feel wanted. He wanted you to know just how beautiful you really were. He wanted you to see yourself the way he saw you.

"That's fine. I don't care," he whispered, gently weaving his hands in yours. "Y/N."

You look up at him and he's left breathless again. To him, you’ve always been an understated beauty. Simple and sweet. Confident and strong. Perhaps that was the reason why your skin glowed. It was your inner beauty that lit your eyes and softened your features.

When you smiled and laughed he couldn’t help but follow along. To be in your company made him feel like he was more than just a mob boss. That he too deserved to be warmed in summer rays regardless of the season.

"You're very beautiful," he repeated and it feels more special the second time.

You chuckle while shaking your head, your hands still in his.

"If you're tryna get in my pants, kingpin, it’s not gonna work," you jabbed playfully.

He rolled his eyes, his lips curling in a playfully peeved grin.

"Can't I say something just for the sake of saying it?"

You smiled sheepishly, slipping off the stool and standing. "I guess you can."

Before he could even say another word, you pull him down to you and kiss him straight on the lips. Not on the cheek. But on the lips and it catches him completely off guard.

It's quick and chaste but it's something Steve's been dreaming of for a long time. Those pretty plump lips against his felt softer than heaven, sweeter than honey. When you part just a split second later, he feels lonely but content with the promise of another meeting.

You giggle sweetly, your breath mingling with his, tickling – teasing his lips to come closer for more.

"I should really get to bed," you said, standing a bit back. "I've got an early class."

"Yeah, of course," he nodded with a beaming smile. "Let me show you to your room."

Pulling you by the hand, he leads you out of the kitchen and towards the staircase. Everything seems so perfect at that moment. The dim light of a chandelier twinkling above, your hand perfectly intertwined in his, and his deep, soothing voice rambling that sounded more like the hazy tune of a sweet melody.

Never in your dreams did you think you'd get to share a moment like this let alone with a man like him. Dangerous for sure, but sweet and humble, generous and caring. All the good things about him seemed to outmatch the one bad thing. So what if he had a bit of notoriety? The world wasn't perfect and neither were you.

Sometimes you find the things you want most in life in the most unexpected of places. You found yours in him. Though small at the moment it could blossom into something more. And for that "what if" you were more than willing to stay.

“I think Lucky wants to sleep with you tonight," Steve chuckles as the puppy pushes his way through the door and your legs.

"I don't mind," you smiled at him making his way to the bed.

You reached on your tiptoes and gave Steve a kiss on the cheek. “Good night.”

Steve smiles sweetly not really wanting to leave. He plants a kiss on your intertwined hand, igniting a blazing fire across the skin of your arm. “Good night," he wishes.

Quentin stood by the science building on campus as he did every day, waiting for you to drag yourself to school like you did every day, but this time he finds something he didn’t expect. His jaw drops at the sight of you driving up in the passenger seat of a sparkling silver Corvette. It’s only until the car stops by him on the side of the curb does he really believe that it’s you.

"Y/N! What are you doing with him?!” he shouted with an accusatory point.

“Oh, hey Quentin," you got out of the convertible not really paying attention to him. You turn towards Steve. "Thanks for the ride, Steve and for letting me stay.”

“You spent the night with him?!” he hollered, waving his arms around.

“No problem, sweetheart," Steve chuckled sweetly.

“Don’t call her that!” Quentin shouted, standing next to you.

Your eyes are completely fixated on Steve and don't notice Quentin glaring at you. “See ya around sometime?”

“Yeah, I’d love to," the blonde agreed with a smile.

“Stop ignoring me!” Quentin huffed putting his hands on his hips.

“Do you hear that annoying sound or is it just me?” Steve asked, teasingly, earning a giggle in return.

“Y/N, what the hell were you doing with this criminal for an entire night?”

“It’s a long story Quentin I’ll tell you later,” you waved him off.

“I demand to know right now!”

You rolled your eyes with a huff. “I’ll tell you after class," you stated with emphasis.

“Hey,” Steve calls you back. “If anything happens, you call me right away. You hear me?”

“You have his number?” Quentin asked through gritted teeth. He just couldn’t process how you went from hating him two days ago to sleeping over his house.

You smiled with a nod. “Yeah, I’ll tell you don’t worry.” Steve takes your hand and kisses it.

“I’ll see you later then?” he asked again, running his thumb across the ridges of your knuckles and you wanted to melt right there.

“Call me when you’re free,” you told him with a sudden urge to kiss him again. But not right now, Quentin would raise hell if he saw that. As if he wasn’t already.

“What the fuck is happening here?” Quentin questioned. “You stay away from her,” he pointed at the blonde. Steve gave him a snarky smile that said: I do what I want twink ass bitch and it only pisses him off more. “And you stop looking at him like he’s your fucking Romeo.”

“I mean if the job’s open?” Steve shrugged, his Prada sunglasses hanging low on his nose and looking over at you. You chuckled as Quentin pulls you along by the hand.

“It’s not.” he bit back. “So leave before I call the cops.”

You bite your lip, highly tempted to skip class, jump back into his convertible, and have him take you wherever he wants to. Along lone country roads, feeling the wind twirl through your hair as he holds your hand in his, kissing it from time to time as he drives into a tangy orange sunset. You’ll take it one step further, pressing a kiss onto his cheek and along his jaw until you reach those pretty lips.

God, what was happening to you?

"What are you staring at?” Quentin hissed, bringing you back to your senses. He points upward toward the building. “Get your butt up those stairs right now!"

You follow your dad friend up the stairs as he goes off about how out of line you are. You turn around as he pulls you behind him. Your eyes meet Steve’s baby blues, twinkling under the sunlight. You chuckle at him as he waves goodbye.

You press your hands against your lips and send a kiss towards him flamboyantly. He clutches his chest and falls back onto his seat dramatically leaving you a giggly mess. It's a pity that you had to leave so soon.

You shoot one last smile his way before going inside and it's like Cupid's arrow shot him right through the heart.

TAGLIST (OPEN): @ashwarren32 @chuckennuggets1213 @scuzmunkie @siriusement @rootcrop @savedbystark @little-dark-empress @boxofteenageideas @great-goddess-of-sin @calwitch @achishisha @captainchrisstan @thirstybunz @littlebees-things @voltage-my2dlove @rinkashirikitateku @booktease21 @harleyscheekheart @emptyporsche @imsonick

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers #mob!steve #mob!steve rogers x reader #mobster steve rogers x reader #mobster au #mob!steve rogers x you #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers fluff

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carolinesbookworld · 4 years

Text

tagged by @kabeswaters and @swellwriting <3

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? 0

describe yourself in a hashtag? very similar to @fortisfiliae #stressedanddepressed

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? Harrison Osterfield

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? prepare for disaster

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? um...idk my boyfriend knows basically everything about me sooooooo

what’s your wake up ritual? wake up, turn off alarm (bc with this at-home learning stuff i’ve been waking up like literally 1 min before my alarm goes off???), text good morning to my bf, snapchat, discord bc moonlit fam talks allll night, tumblr, get out of bed, wash face, get dressed, coffee and breakfast it’s very specific

what’s your go to bed ritual? wash glasses and face bc my skin is soo oily by the end of the day so you best believe my glasses be needing washing everyday, shower, say goodnight to fam, text bf for like 15 mins or until he says goodnight, turn alarm on, plug in phone, go to sleep

what’s your favorite time of day? morning but specifically from 7:30 until 9

your go to for having a good laugh? FRIENDS as in the show

dream country to visit? Australia bc my dad once got to hold a baby koala there and i wanna do that so bad

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? so my family moved before my sophomore year so me and my bff started trying to surprise each other whenever one of us came to visit and the weekend of my birthday, she skypes me as she’s walking around what i thought was her house and then i start hearing an echo and next thing i know she’s standing in the doorway of my room and that was pretty much the best surprise ever

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers converse

vintage or new? new but i love vintage aesthetic i just couldn’t live with it

who do you want to write your obituary? karli @swellwriting bc she is my brain twin and i would be mocking her horrible grammar and spelling from my grave and we would both get a good laugh about it in the afterlife

style icon? the mom i babysit for haha she’s like one of my best friends tho which sounds really weird but it’s true

what are three things you cannot live without? books, dogs, days that are exactly 65 degrees

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? um idk chocolate??

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? Sarah J. Maas, Eddie Redmayne, my boyfriend bc i haven’t had dinner with him for 47 days

what’s your biggest fear in life? losing the people i love...and spiders

window or aisle seat? window bc aisle makes me anxious that i’m in people’s way

what’s your current tv obsession? the cw’s nancy drew it’s so good please go watch it

favorite app? instagram, discord, or tumblr, depends on my mood

secret talent? um idk i can draw very realistic portraits of people when i take the time to

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? okay so technically this wasn’t me who did it but i was part of the adventure. when me and my boyfriend were just “friends” ie. liked each other and knew we liked each other but were too scared to admit it. anyway, we had this elaborate plan to shave our youth group leader’s head if we were able to bring in a certain amount of food for the food drive during vbs week. so yeah we spent like three days planning the whole thing out and then decided to go price shopping at walmart with all of our younger siblings bc we needed supervision or something lol to see how many individual things of food we could buy with $20 each we ended up just getting like 20 huge boxes of ramen and then his sister ended up throwing up so we took her home and then went back to church where my car was parked but instead of turning to get to church my boyfriend decides to go straight through the stop light (it was green okay) and spontaneously drive up into the foothills. well we get to the top of the foothills and we’re at the lake and we all get out to look at the city and my boyfriend claims that we need to document this moment so he takes a selfie with all of us and we somehow ended up right next to each other in it and i only found this out like three months ago (this happened back in june) that he only took the picture because he wanted one of us together in case we didn’t start dating lol so sweet and yeah, that was a very long story but i needed context instead of just saying “yeah we drove up a mountain”

how would you define yourself in three words? loyal, anxious, passionate

favorite piece of clothing you own? this dark coral dress that makes my eyes and hair look really pretty

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a hoodie

a superpower you would want? i want to be able to project my thoughts into someone else’s mind bc i’m so bad at explaining stuff sometimes especially when it comes to how i feel

what’s inspiring you in life right now? ACOTAR series by Sarah J. Maas, highly recommend

best piece of advice you’ve received? opening up to more than one person is important because if you lose that person then you’ve lost all your support

best advice you’d give your teenage self? the friends who have stuck around this long are the ones you want to hang onto and the ones that you need are the ones you don’t always see

a book everyone should read? The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

what would you like to be remembered for? being a crazy dog mama

how do you define beauty? confidence in yourself and not caring what others think about you

what do you love most about your body? my metabolism

best way to take a rest/decompress? open a window to feel the breeze and listen to Islands by Hey Ocean! which is so calming to me

favorite place to view art? nature or tumblr

if your life was a song, what would the title be? we’re going with a fob/p!atd theme here and calling it “depression screwed me over so i screwed it back and ended up worse off”

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? probably on my forearm or by my left hip

dolphins or koalas? koalas did i mention that i want to hold a baby koala

what’s an animal that represents you? great dane puppy ie. very excitable but will also take a four hour nap when tired

best gift you’ve ever received? my best friend made this photo collage for me when i moved that is hanging in my room and it has a bunch of pictures of me and her over the years and i just love it

best gift you’ve given? for christmas i gave my boyfriend a hammock and the bookshelf addition of clue, two things he had no idea i would remember him mentioning and his face was priceless. also i made my mom a cake for her birthday this year and she was so happy and said it made her feel very special <3

what’s your favorite board game? clue or ticket to ride (specifically nordic countries)

what’s your favorite color? currently a pale turquoise

least favorite color? any shade of light brown

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore bc i don’t wear makeup enough to validate buying designer, also i don’t really care

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee cof-

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? palindrome is wild because it means a word spelled the same way forwards and backwards but it itself is not one such word

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? summer but like, only june

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? panera mac n cheese

a dessert you don’t like? red velvet cake which btw is not red-colored chocolate cake as many would have you believe

a skill you’re working on mastering? writing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to put all of my new plants in my windowsill and i named one of them (its name is albert in case you were wondering)

worst thing to happen to you today? idk today’s been pretty good as far as quarantine goes

best compliment you’ve ever received? my boyfriend calls me beautiful all the time and he always reminds me that that is describing looks and personality

favorite smell? coffee or my boyfriend’s sweatshirt for the week after i steal it

hugs or kisses? can i choose both?? depends on my mood mostly but i guess hugs if i just had to pick one

if you made a documentary, would it be about? literally anything relating to the mcu

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? a court of wings and ruin by sjm

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? literally any female in the teen wolf cast

how do you know you’re in love? hahahaha haha what's love

a song you can listen to on repeat? we fall apart by we as human or uma thurman by fob

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? idk my boyfriend probably, this is something we have discussed in depth

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? for life to go back to normal

tagging @finnofamerica @woakiees @beskarjedi @outerlacy @swanimagines hahahahaha have funnnnn this took me an hour to answer

#about me #tag game

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fandom-go-round · 7 years

Text

Broken: Tony Stark x Fem! Reader

Requests are open still! Another old one shot. Warning for alcohol abuse

You didn’t drink; period. Alcohol did funny things to you and that was if you only drank a little. You didn’t drink because, honestly, you weren’t a happy drunk. You tended to remember when you got drunk and that led to yelling and breaking of priceless vases.

Oh sure, in the beginning you’d be happy and smiles but after that you’d crash; it took another few beers before you were happy again. That’s where the clothing would come off and the dancing began. The last time you well and truly got smashed you woke up in a dumpster across town, butt naked. You still don’t know what happened to this day.

Tony loved to drink; that was obvious. When he found out you didn’t drink, Tony made it his personal goal to get you to loosen up. You thought it was funny at first but after a while it had gotten annoying; you didn’t need his help to loosen up. Besides, there was a reason you didn’t drink but Tony didn’t seem to respect or care.

Because of all this, Tony was determined to get you well and drunk. It turned into sort of a game between the two of you and a way for the two of you to hang out. Tony would drink and try to get weasel you into drinking while you just laughed and treated him like a normal person. Needless to say, the two of you were close friends and you had been on the receiving end of a drunken Tony Stark more than once.

It was because of these reasons that Tony had no idea what to do when he walked into his personal bar and saw you drinking. You were sitting on a bar stool, feet propped up on the counter, taking a swig every now and then. He didn’t say anything, just slowly walked into the room. Before he could speak you looked up and your gazes locked; blood shot red met surprised blue.

“Stark.” You smiled, making the normally happy gesture look more like a war cry. It was more like snarl and Tony felt his hair stand on end; you were dangerous. You chuckled at the look on his face and he forced himself to calm down; it was like you could smell fear. He quickly got himself under control. For God sakes, he picked on the Hulk for fun!

“This is interesting; I thought you hated to drink.” Tony swaggered over to you, taking a seat next to you and you offered him the bottle. He took a swig and handed it back; you drank deeply before setting it on the table. Tony looked more amused than upset. “JARVIS, how long has she been at it?”

“A few hours, sir. This is the third bottle she’s gone through.” Tony made a surprised noise and you just snorted.

“Don’t worry sweetheart; I’m paying you back for all of this.” You gestured to the bottles all lined up in a row. Tony was trying very hard no to laugh; that wouldn’t really help him. Instead, he opened another bottle and gave it to you, making you grin again. “Ahh, good man Stark. Good man.” You drank in silence before Tony had to ask.

“So, what’s the occasion?” You grunted, not understanding. “Why have you suddenly decided to get drunk? Your birthday or something? Dog die?” You laughed at that, head going back and booming laughter shaking the room. You sounded like Thor when he got drunk.

“Hardly. I’m in mourning Stark; I’m not the company you want or need right now.” You acted like you had just closed the conversation but that only made Tony more interested.

“Mourning? For who?” You eyed him, a debate going on inside your mind. Tony watched your eyes go from bright to dull; the alcohol won in the end. You took one last swig before handing him the bottle and waving for him to keep it. You leaned against the bar, eyes looking at him but not seeing. Tony knew you were hiding something and now he was going to know what it was; he could hardly sit still.

“My husband and my daughter.” Tony froze, eyes widening and you chuckled; a mirthless sound. “Surprise you, baby doll? Thought so; you always give me the looks.” That made Tony control himself.

“Looks? What looks?”

“Like I don’t know what good sex is; like I’ve never been with a man before.” Tony snorted and you grinned again, leaning into his personal space. “I’ve gotten those looks all my life Stark; I know what they mean.”

“What do you mean, I give you that look? I’ve never done it.” You snorted, moving out of his personal space; Tony let out his breath. You smirked at him and he stilled. He wasn’t used to being hunted. Tony Stark knew what lust was but that look; like you could have him every way in the world and he still wouldn’t be satisfied. Tony felt himself heat up and smirked. He could deal with lust.

“You don’t mean to but you do; I don’t hold it against you.” Tony frowned then, irritated; you acted like you forgave him for some horrible crime. “Oh don’t look at me like that; you know you deserve it.”

“So why did you decide to mourn by drinking? I could have sworn you said you didn’t.” You hummed, looking out the window. You stuck your hand out for the bottle and Tony gave it to you; you passed it back and forth as you began to explain.

“I married a man ten years back; good man, strong. Was a pilot in Her Majesties Royal Air Force,” Here you snorted. “Proudest damn moment in his life, when he was accepted into that.”

“He was British?” Tony was confused; weren’t you an American?

“I went over there one summer to visit a friend who had moved over there; I met him there and we fell in love. When I came back after the summer I found out he got himself transferred over in some exchange program. We were inseparable.” You stopped talking and Tony was going to ask you another question when you began to explain again.

“We had a daughter two years later; Amber. My angel of fire.” Your voice got soft at the end of your sentence, eyes clouding with love and guilt. “She had the same red hair as her father; hair I fell in love with.” Tony snorted and had to ask.

“You have a thing for red heads?” You looked at him, not at all surprised by the question.

“Yup; I’d do Natasha if she was up for it.” Tony waited for you to laugh it off but you didn’t; he was so lost in thought he missed part of what you said next. “…his wee lass and my baby doll. Best moment of my life, bringing her into this world.” Your eyes closed in memory. Tony didn’t try to speak, knowing you would continue now. You kept your eyes closed as you told the next part; voice full of pain and sorrow.

“Two months later he died; shot out of the sky by some terrorists. They brought him back in a black box and refused to show me the body; they gave him a gun salute. I’ve hated the government ever since. I can’t stand the damn politicians who think war will solve problems.

“I didn’t know what to do when he died. It was like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it beneath their boot. I couldn’t eat or sleep or live; I just drank. I drank until I could see him in front of me and then I drank until I couldn’t see anything. I left my own daughter to die; I didn’t care. My love was gone and I wasn’t going to live without him.

“It wasn’t until my best friend literally beat the shit out of me that I cared and by then it was too late. The courts had ruled I was unfit to be a parent and took my baby from my arms. I would have fallen into depression if my friend hadn’t put me back together.” Now you stopped, looking over at Tony. He was in shook, mouth opened part way and eyes wide. You chuckled again and Tony shuddered. It was a horrible sound.

“Have you seen your daughter since?” Tony had to ask; had to know.

“No; her grandfather sends me pictures every year and I send Christmas presents although she doesn’t know they’re from me. She lives with my husband’s parents, you see and his mother hates me. She blames me for her son’s death. His dad and I still keep in contact, although it’s rare. He tells me how my baby’s doing and I live knowing she’s safe.” Tony scowled at you; you couldn’t be alright with that. You looked at the little kids on sidewalks, how could you be happy not knowing your own daughter?

“And you’re ok with that? With seeing her from the shadows?” You looked Tony straight in the face; you were broken. In this moment you weren’t (Full Name); you were a broken woman with no one to love.

“No, I’m not happy but it’s the price I pay. I fucked up; now I have to live with that.” Tony’s hand slamming into the table made the glasses clink together and almost fall. He was furious; you were stronger than this.

“So you drink yourself into this miserable state every year, mourning for a daughter that’s still alive!?” He was yelling but he didn’t care; this was wrong. This was wrong.

“Yes.” Tony almost hit you; he really did. It was only the look of seriousness on your face that stopped him. “You don’t understand Tony; I can’t see her. I’m not allowed to get anywhere near her.”

“WHY!?” His voice was a roar and you seemed to sink before his rage; tears streaming down your face.

“Because Tony; I’m just full of empty promises, damaged goods. I’m a broken woman and no child needs that in their life.” You stood up, stumbling to the door. You stopped in the door way, leaning on it to support your weight. You looked over your shoulder, eyes flowing with constant tears.

“I promised I’d take care of her Tony; I promised him and I failed. I don’t deserve to see my daughter. No matter how much it kills me on the inside.”

Once you were gone and he could no longer hear your footsteps in the hall, Tony flung his arm out. Bottles crashed onto the floor, causing multi colored glass to fly; it looked like a shattering rainbow.

“Mr. Stark?” JARVIS’s voice was quite, almost gentle in speaking. Tony said nothing, his chest heaving as he tried to control his breathing. He sat back down at the bar, ignoring the glass cutting into the bottom of his feet. He placed his head in his hands and took shuddering breaths, one right after another.

For once in his life, Anthony Stark couldn’t stand to look at a drink.

#tony stark x reader #tony stark #iron man x reader #iron man #mavel imagine #tony stark imagine #iron man imagine #tw alcohol

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funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

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Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on http://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

That’s what I get when I tell people I’m focusing on becoming a professional comedian and comedy writer. It’s a valid question. Even if I’m funny enough to captivate a room of drunk friends, can I make a living at it? And by a living, I mean more than just making enough to live in squalor and eat decent pizza.

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

As a kid, I reenacted Monty Python scenes so well my classmates thought I might be secretly British. Friends loved it when I did impressions, down to the angry twitch that took over our fourth grade teacher’s eye when the class refused to quiet down.

These days, I always manage to get a chuckle from a stoic exec at a company meeting by sneaking sight gags into PowerPoint presentations. When I worked at Lucasfilm, I once snuck a horrible oil painting of a dog playing the ukulele into George Lucas’ priceless art collection that hangs on the walls. I didn’t get fired, so I figured he got the joke.

But there’s a big difference between making friends, classmates and co-workers laugh, and being funny on stage in front of strangers. So I decided to up my game by taking a MasterClass about comedy taught by comedian Steve Martin. The $90 online course (that’s about £65 or AU$119) includes 25 video lessons that add up to over five hours dissecting every aspect of comedy — from finding your comedic voice to dealing with hecklers.

I’ve taken MasterClasses before — one taught by filmmaker Werner Herzog left me feeling eager to direct a documentary and another led by astronaut Chris Hadfield convinced me visiting Mars didn’t seem so alien. So why not learn the ins and outs of comedy from a man whose humor has earned him an honorary Academy Award and several Grammys?

“I never actually thought I was funny,” Martin confesses in his MasterClass video trailer. “You may think you don’t have any talent. I guarantee you I had no talent. None. I couldn’t sing, dance or act. I couldn’t tell jokes. But I just started doing it, because I liked it.”

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

That might sound like the worst pitch ever from a teacher, but it’s comforting to know one of the most prolific names in comedy started at the bottom before going on to appear on Saturday Night Live, play sold-out stadiums and appear in more than 45 films. And he’s still going. He and Martin Short have a May 25 Netflix original comedy special called Steve Martin and Martin Short: An Evening You Will Forget For The Rest Of Your Life.

In one week, I binged all of Martin’s videos while lounging on my couch in my PJs. Some videos are one-on-one lessons and pep talks. In the rest, he interacts with lucky hand-picked would-be comedians and comedy writers about their work. Watching the videos, I laughed out loud and nodded my head as though I was right in the room with Martin. The lessons range from around 11 to 20 minutes.

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

The class includes videos and a downloadable workbook with reviews of the lessons, challenges and assignments, which might include watching one of Martin’s film or TV performances. The thing about taking an online course like this is there’s no one around to nag you about completing your lessons. It’s up to you, and I took it seriously. I finished every written assignment — downloadable PDFs you complete after each video lesson.

One lesson suggested eavesdropping on arguments and mining them for material, so I did that when writing in cafes or standing in line at the post office. Sure enough, I heard a woman talking on the phone say, “I don’t care that you think whale sounds are soothing to listen to. It creeps me out that you put them on when we have sex.”

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

I also spent time reading my classmates’ comments in an online class forum where you can share your works in progress and ask peers for help if you’ve hit a roadblock. One student suggested trying new material in places other than comedy clubs and bars to take some of the pressure off — spots like laundromats, office break rooms and family gatherings. I also learned it’s best to not try out jokes on people like hairdressers, manicurists and waiters because they might laugh at anything just to get a better tip.

In addition to the students’ advice, Martin’s class was worth it just for his insight on the basic do’s and don’ts that a lot of comics aren’t privy to in the beginning of their careers. Here are some highlights:

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Do go where the action is. If you want to be a comedian or a comedy writer in the entertainment industry, you have to move to a place where the comedy is, like New York, Chicago, Los Angeles or Toronto. There’s a big appetite for new talent in the industry, so why not increase the chances you’ll be the one who ends up at the right place at the right time? You could be at a party or a club that becomes an opportunity to show what you can do.

Do talk comedy with friends and others with similar goals. This doesn’t mean just having a quick chat about comedy. The kind of discussions you need to have will last for days. Pitch ideas, talk about topics not covered by comedians yet, hone your ideas. Something will come out of these conversations.

Do think about comedy all the time. Always think of the joke. Everything you see, hear, smell and feel is usable. Eavesdrop on conversations, pay attention to the oddball things that happen in your daily life. Take notes. Critique TV sitcoms and standup comedians. This all adds up to perfecting your comedy skills in both performing and writing.

Do educate yourself. Learn something new. Read more. Every time you understand a new topic, you get more subject matter for your routine. You never know what will inspire you. I learned Morse code just so I could say an entire punchline in a series of beeps.

Don’t be intimidated by starting with nothing. Sometimes not having performance skills already perfected means you can be creative. If you can’t dance or sing, that’s OK. You can fake dancing and singing, and make that funny. I once did a standup routine wearing tap shoes just to imply I might try to dance, but never did. It got a great laugh.

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

Don’t fret about getting head shots and an agent. Before you worry about the marketing end of being a comedian, concentrate on being a good comedian. Spend more time honing your craft than trying to become famous.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

“Whatever makes you unique as a performer, do it,” Martin says in Lesson 24. “Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique. If you prepare yourself, you can be in the right place at the right time. It can be done. There’s room for you.”

That’s especially good to know when you’re a comic like me who bombs a lot. Sometimes my routines get great laughs, but the same routine the next night could fail to get even the kind of courtesy applause reserved for audiences that have to clap when less-than-talented kids take the stage at school performances. But knowing there’s room even for the triangle-players of comedy like me makes me try even harder to get the laugh.

It’s showtime!

I was finally ready to put Martin’s advice into action with my first standup performance since taking the class. My friend and comedian Joseph Scrimshaw invited me to perform in his new Los Angeles show for geeks called Game Night: A Variety Show. Musicians, comedians and actors share the stage for music, standup and a bit of improv to entertain a small audience (under 100 people) for an hour or two.

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

My comedy is less about telling jokes, and more about telling funny stories about my life as an awkward farm kid and a Goth teenager. I mix in a few tales about working for disorganized tech startups and an iconic movie company. Think Sixteen Candles meets Silicon Valley meets 30 Rock.

I recounted childhood stories about tricking friends into eating grasshoppers by making them think they tasted like mint chocolate and being bullied as a teen after getting my braces caught in shag carpeting while laughing too hard at a popular girl’s slumber party. That earned me an off-color nickname for years.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

It threw me for a loop when I should have focused on my next bit. Granted, those audience members could have zoned out way before I took the stage — especially the teenager who looked like he was about to slip into a stoner coma at any second.

Martin did mention in his class that he always looks at the top of people’s heads, not directly in their eyes, when he’s on stage, just in case he gets a bad reaction to a joke. Luckily, I zapped back into focus by looking at people in the crowd who were laughing at my stories and managed to stay on track.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Using Martin’s techniques I got a lot more laughs than when l played at San Francisco Sketchfest and variety shows and in a comedy webseries. The applause at the end of my set fed my ego enough to give me a boost of energy to participate in the show’s group improv skit at the end. We acted out what it would be like if cats could become more powerful than human superheroes. The audience loved it. I counted this as a win.

A few weeks later, I performed an impromptu comedy skit behind the podium at an academic conference at my alma mater, the University of Colorado at Boulder. The head of the conference had heard I was a comedy writer and asked if I could entertain everyone at a welcome dinner after the university president and other important alumni said a few words.

I had nothing prepared, but with Martin in my head, I was able to wing it and earn some laughs joking about politics, science and the conference itself. (As waiters cleared the tables, I joked about security at the event being so tight, the staff was collecting DNA from our wine glasses.)

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

I know I’m not Tina Fey or Amy Schumer, though I dream of rising to that level of comedic genius. Martin’s class helped motivate me to not just talk about wanting to be funnier in my standup routines, but to try hard whenever I get the opportunity — whether on stage, in a friend’s variety show or at an academic conference.

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Tweet your jokes, make shorts and videos, put up shows on stages. The only way to get good at comedy is to do it A LOT. Every ‘overnight comedy success’ has a good decade of working their butt off that you didn’t see happen.” — Ashley Nicole Black, comedy writer on Full Frontal with Samantha Bee

“Know you and be you. Trust your thoughts and make sure you have fun first. Enjoy yourself. If you don’t think you’re funny, no one one else will either.” — George Wallace, standup comedian and actor

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

“Get up in front of audiences, hone your material and delivery, get comfortable with performing. If you’re a writer, study scene structure and joke structure and understand the mechanics of jokes while writing every day to hone your voice. Basically, it’s a lot of honing.” — Hal Lublin, improv performer and voiceover actor

“Build it and they will come. I wasn’t given opportunities until I made my own. I wrote and starred in my own series and films because nobody was doing that for me.” — Melinda Hill, comedian and actor

“Find an open mic if you want to do standup. Find a publication that takes open submissions if you want to be a comedy writer. You’ll get rejected again and again, but that’s what literally everyone goes through. Even the best, smoothest people had some missteps. Don’t be afraid of failure.” — Mike Drucker, comedian and writer on Full Frontal with Samantha Bee

“I’ve done sketch, standup, improv, theater, children’s theater, audience interactive theater, storytelling, historical costumed character walking tours, and I had a job shrink-wrapping knives where everyone laughed at you if you cut yourself. Getting to know the mood, the perspective, the rhythm of different audiences helps expand your view of what comedy can be.” — Joseph Scrimshaw, comedian and writer

Martin stresses throughout his class that “doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand,” and while I was initially scared of failing in front of an audience, his words reminded me that performing comedy isn’t about boosting my self-esteem. It’s about putting myself out there to try to make people laugh. I don’t want courtesy clapping or a forced laugh, but the kind that makes drinks squirt out their noses. Snot cocktail fountains for everyone!

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

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jansen1107 · 7 years

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Trick-or-Treating (Kinda) in Cuba

I recently returned from a trip to Cuba. I had a wonderful time. Cuba is a beautiful and poor country where the absence of American influence is immediately noticeable and welcome. Called The Forbidden Tour, the theme of this trip was things haunted, spooky, and horror. Okay,… it was really just an excuse for we American tourists to take advantage of a group tour to Cuba while we still have the chance—Donald Trump is working tirelessly to close the door that was opened by Barack Obama. I’m glad our group got in when we did, and while we were there, we knew we were in a window of opportunity that would soon be shut to Americans. And, really, out of nothing more than spite. Sad.

I’ve been on five or six of these haunted horror trips. My friend Charles is the organizer, and his company is based in Connecticut. He keeps dreaming up new tours we can do, which gives us an excuse to go to new countries. Cuba is not really known for its haunted sites, but we found a few. The bunkers at the National Hotel in Havana offered some serious pings on Charles’s ghost-hunting app. We also toured Castillo de Jagua, an old fort that was made of mortar using animal blood and that is believed to be haunted by a “woman in blue.” Supposedly, her bones were excavated during a renovation and are now on display in the castle’s chapel under a thin sheet of plexiglass.

I was also humbled and honored to be a guest at an actual Santeria ceremony. The unsettling part of the ceremony was the noticeable pig’s head at the back of the room and a large plastic bucket that looked like it had the remains of a dog in it. From what I understand, Santerians practice animal sacrifice, and being a vegetarian and an animal lover, I’m not sure how I feel about that. I have tremendous respect for people of all faiths, but on some things, I’ll have to agree to disagree.

The Santerians were incredibly generous and offered us shots of black coffee with sugar, plates of pineapple and watermelon, bags of popcorn, and even gift bags with incense sticks, cigars, a tea candle, a paper cone of what I think is either incense or possibly dried beans, and a chalk seashell. The English-speaking priest asked us if we’d be interested in buying plastic baby dolls in custom Santerian outfits that were supposedly imbued with magical energy or spirits. I declined (even though I’m a toy collector), but now I regret it because they didn’t ask for donations at the end of the ceremony, and selling the dolls was probably a source of income for them.

Our group danced with the Santerians as men played drums at the front of the room and one man sang in a beautiful voice, calling out to the congregation and being answered in kind. I really worked up a sweat and felt the energy in the room. Two women had to be escorted from the dance area when it was clear they were possessed of the spirit. In Santeria, the spirits or orishas ride the dancers and possess them. Instead of being frightened, I was awed. It was a humbling experience to be part of it all.

Other sites we saw included the grand cemetery in Havana, which is the largest urban cemetery in the world. We actually lost an older man from our group and had to organize a search party, fearing he had passed out from the heat somewhere in the forest of mausoleums. Being a loner, he had a penchant for going off on his own, but I finally spotted him on his way toward us on an avenue that was being used for a military drill. Phew! That was the most unpleasant scare on the trip.

Havana is beautiful. I had the opportunity to ride “the oldies”; antique cars from the ‘50s and ‘60s that have been kept in good condition since they were made and are now used mainly as cabs for tourists. Riding along the beautiful Malecon seawall was like a dream and a reminder that my heart belongs in seaside towns.

The people of Havana were stoic and thoroughly unimpressed with Americans, which was both humbling and relieving. It was nice to walk around and not be stared at, even if we looked like goths in our dark clothes, T-shirts with ouija board prints, and (gasp!) facial hair! Everyone looked the same in terms of clothing to me, and I was longing for just one or two university students to come walking along with brightly colored hair… or piercings… or a mohawk. It never happened while I was there. The whole country was so understated. The only billboards were those advertising propaganda. There were no logos or ads jumping in our faces at every turn, and it was hard to know if we were looking at a restaurant or a copy center from the outside. It felt like the whole country was a speakeasy.

And not a single Starbucks in sight! Hallelujah! Although I did have my traveling companions doubled over with laughter when I asked the barista at the National Museum’s snack shop (in a whiny valley girl voice), “Can I get a venti caramel macchiato? I haven’t had a caramel macchiato in days, okay? I am so dying right now.” Of course, the request went way over his head, and he made me a frozen lemonade, one of only about three beverages on offer. It was delicious.

My friend Krys and I got up at 6:15 to run 4 miles on several mornings. We loved watching the sun come up as we ran down by the water. Commuters were out waiting for the unreliable buses even at that early hour. We said, “Hola,” to many of them as we passed, and the Cubans were very friendly. Watching the sun come up as we ran on those early mornings reminded me how beautiful this life can be.

Cuba is one of those places where you can actually use your rudimentary Spanish and not get an eye roll, like you do when you’re in Europe—where everyone is fluent in English and doesn’t have time for you to struggle with verb conjugation. I was pleasantly surprised to see that my four years of high school Spanish and subsequent years of reading the language and eavesdropping has made me decidedly conversant. I was able to help my friend Lynn find a souvenir map of Cuba at the airport, told the cashier in a grocery store that Cuban coffee is reputed to be among the best in the world, and had a conversation with a man in front of the National Theater about how he’s happy to see tourists but the government takes all the tourist dollars… speaking of which, could I spare a peso or two and maybe a couple bars of soap?

We Americans are spoiled for choice, and it’s something you take for granted until you walk into a Cuban grocery store and see only two choices of coffee, three choices of shampoo, and hear rumors that a shipment of Gouda cheese can cause a near run on the store. Some of our group complained that hotel cleaning staff were stealing toiletries. I don’t think this was due to need so much as an actual hunger for choice. At one stop, a man asked me if I had Ivory soap on me, something rare in Cuba. It’s human nature to want choice and variety in all things, and we Americans don’t know how lucky we are.

And that brings me to the part of my story about the kids. In our emails prior to the trip, Charles recommended that we bring cheap toys and toiletries to hand out to the Cubans. The weekend before leaving, I went around to the dollar stores in my neighborhood picking up bars of soap, cheap Barbie knock-offs, coloring books, crayons, pencils, Matchbox cars, and Pez dispensers. It seemed like every time we ran into a group of school kids, my goodies were stowed in my suitcase under the bus where I couldn’t access them. It happened outside Hemingway’s house and again outside Castillo de Jagua. Just seeing the looks on the kid’s faces was priceless. Finally, I got smart and started carrying my goodies around in a canvas tote bag with the tour logo on the front. I was like a wide-eyed, maniacal Santa Claus on the lookout for kids. When we got to the National Theater, I spied a little boy with no shirt on and a pair of shorts hanging out in front of a restaurant. He must have been about five or six. I was across the street and couldn’t get to him in time because he disappeared when I crossed. I was heartened that some tourists walking by handed him a green tennis ball before I could get to him.

A few minutes later, I spied a little girl holding the hand of a man who I assumed to be her grandfather. Quickly, I reached into my bag and handed her one of the knock-off Barbies. I’ll never forget the look on her face! Her mouth formed a little “o” and her eyebrows shot up. Isn’t it the best feeling in the world to make kids happy? I had read reports that girls actually line up on the playground to play with a single Barbie doll. And I think that sucks!

As I continued walking with my group, I looked back and saw that the girl and her grandfather had stopped. She then came running back to me with the doll. I shouted to her, “¡Es tuyo! ¡Es tuyo! (It’s yours! It’s yours!)”, thinking she was bringing the doll back to me because her grandfather wanted to teach her a lesson in modesty. Boy, was I ever wrong! She pointed to the other two dolls sticking out of the top of my bag and said that she wanted those, too! I obliged. So, now she either has a whole set of new dolls for herself or she’s going to give the others to her sister(s) or classmates. I admired her enterprising spirit!

The rest of my goodies went quickly. It gave me such a great feeling to hand out each item. The girl on her dad’s shoulders who cheered when I handed her a coloring book and a box of crayons. The little boy who shyly turned away from me when I handed him an Optimus Prime Pez dispenser. (His mother assured him it was okay.) The parents were always so appreciative. But that little boy who got away will always stay with me. I send you positive vibes, little man!

At the end of the week, our group customarily has a costume ball where we get dressed up and compete for prizes. Although I won “Crowd Favorite” on our last trip to Germany and Prague, my Spring-Heeled Jack costume was an utter failure. No one knew who I was supposed to be. I decided not to wear makeup with it because it was so hot and muggy. You won’t find many pictures of me in our shared group photos. I think I just weirded everyone out in my skeleton shirt, bat cape, and cut-up rubber Batman mask. (I was having flashbacks to a similar experience when I was a child.) No matter. I’ll wear the costume again for Halloween and then retire it. I love the character and was glad to wear him in costume form.

So, that was my haunted mystery tour to Cuba! What an amazing time. It’s sad to think that if you’re an American and are reading this, you might not have the chance to visit Cuba for a while. The Trump administration is moving quickly to slam that door shut. And thereby taking away one of our freedoms. “Make America Great Again,” he says? My advice is to get there this year (2017). If you’re interested, Charles is offering the tour again next year, if Americans can still travel to Cuba. But the next trip will be more of a tour for music and food than a horror tour. Tropicana and Buena Vista Social Club were some music venues we got to enjoy, and I highly recommend you check them out if you’re in Havana.

And be sure to bring lots of toys for the kids!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMhS5Xt_sRE&list=PLPd7HOSqosr5QPRTrdJiwt9dVaFmz7UpF

#Cuba #tourism #horror vacations #Americans abroad

0 notes

funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

Text

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on http://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Do go where the action is. If you want to be a comedian or a comedy writer, you have to move to a place where the comedy is, like New York, Chicago, Los Angeles or Toronto. There’s a big appetite for new talent in the entertainment industry, so why not increase the chances you’ll be the one who ends up at the right place at the right time? You could be at a party or a club that becomes an opportunity to show what you can do.

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

It’s showtime!

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

0 notes

funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

Text

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

It’s showtime!

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

0 notes

funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

Text

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on http://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

It’s showtime!

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

0 notes

funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

Text

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on http://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

It’s showtime!

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

0 notes

funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

Text

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

It’s showtime!

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

0 notes

funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

Text

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

It’s showtime!

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

0 notes

funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

Text

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

It’s showtime!

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

0 notes

funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

Text

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

It’s showtime!

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

0 notes

funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

Text

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

New Post has been published on http://funnythingshere.xyz/steve-martin-taught-me-to-be-funny-didya-hear-the-one-about-whale-sounds-and-sex/

Steve Martin taught me to be funny. Didya hear the one about whale sounds and sex?

“Are you sure you’re that funny?”

Steve Martin teaches a class on how to be funny. Yes, staplers can be funny.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

Martin stresses throughout his class that ‘doing comedy alone on stage is the ego’s last stand.’

Here’s Steve Martin giving advice to some very lucky students in his online class.

Video screenshot by Bonnie Burton/CNET

How could I NOT use that in a future act? I incorporated it into a piece about the worst things to play to get in the mood for romance — whale sounds, bird calls, car crash sound effects and Enya.

Overcoming a lack of talent makes you unique.

Steve Martin

Do’s and don’ts of comedy

Don’t worry about being an introvert. Most comedians are introverts in real life, but the minute they hit the stage they have a place to shine. The stage is where you can let loose and be heard.

There’s room for you

Comedy pointers aside, Martin’s heartfelt pep talks made me think this dream of becoming a standup comedian and comedy writer isn’t so far-fetched.

It’s showtime!

Here I am looking (kind of) like a professional comedian in my first standup show after taking Steve Martin’s online class.

Bonnie Burton

It seemed like the perfect place to try Martin’s techniques.

I got more confident when I allowed time for the audience to laugh without talking over them. Instead of letting my mind race to the next thought, I enjoyed the moment.

The only mistake I made during my set was focusing on a few audience members who looked bored. Really bored. Like the kind of bored where you can tell they’re mentally compiling a grocery list.

Here’s a nervous selfie of me backstage before my first standup gig since taking the class.

Bonnie Burton

Bonnie Burton (middle) stands on stage with other comedians for the final improv act during Game Night: A Variety Show at Geeky Teas in Los Angeles.

Joseph Scrimshaw

More advice from the pros

While Martin didn’t comment for my article, a few of my favorite comedy writers and comedians did give me their advice on how to be funnier. Here’s what they had to say:

“Have a good sense of irony and observe the world around you from that perspective.” — Laraine Newman, comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live

Tech Culture: From film and television to social media and games, here’s your place for the lighter side of tech.

Special Reports: CNET’s in-depth features in one place.

0 notes