t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

Oct 19th, 2022.

I found out I'm not pregnant, and I'm totally disappointed. So, Dylan and I are going to try to get pregnant, because I really want a kid.

Working on writing three books.

The Influencer

Ross's game

Odd Magic

The influencer is about a social media influencer who goes through great heights to get her social media followers to notice her and pay attention.

Ross's game is a love story of a friends with benefits situation.

Odd Magic is a story of a girl who is given a green pendant by her dying sick grandmother in the hospital, and the pendant holds magical powers.

What else, what else... I'm trying to be full ana again, so... if anyone wants to be an ana buddie I'm so down. We could exchange snapchat or phone numbers even.

My current weight is 179 lbs. That totally means I lost 4 lbs in 5 days woohoo! And my goal is to weigh 170 lbs by January so I need to lose another 9 lbs or about 10 lbs. Yesss babes I can do this!

So what I'm going to do is try and lose 5 lbs in November and 5 lbs in December. That's like one lb a week. Totally healthy, right? Let's gooo.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

I think I'm pregnant. Oct 14th, 2022.

I think I'm pregnant with Brandon's kid. I just got pregnancy tested at the doctor, I get my results tomorrow. I'm praying for a positive result. I want a child. ;-)

I'm going to name him Christopher Joel after my brother Chris Jonathan

or if she's a girl, Emma Rose.

I want to be married, but not to Brandon lmao. I need to get Boo'd up okurrrrrr.

I'm back in college, studying Liberal Arts bachelor program at UAGC. It's great because they are online classes. We only take one class at a time.

I need a Master's degree in Liberal Arts to become a Librarian, so I can be a librarian by the time I am 34. My goal is to get a job working at Princeton University Library as a librarian when I'm 34 as my first job after college.

My current job is a bakery clerk and I am trying to be promoted to a baker and then a cake decorator.

I currently weigh 183 lbs (oink). My goal is to be 170 lbs by January 2023. Then weigh 150 lbs by summer, or even 140 lbs again ;)

This year I weighed in at 130 lbs in January 2022, then I weighed in at 130 lbs in June 2022. In July that's when I gained 53 lbs. I am also about 4-5 months pregnant. My baby kicks me 50+ x's a day. He must be so excited to meet us all. I think I'm going to put him in kickboxing lessons.

#pregnant #pregnancy #maternity #preggolife #pregnantbelly #pregblr #cute #work stuff #work blogging #schooling #school #weight #lose weight quickly #lose weight fast #lose stomach weight #i wanna lose weight #weight loss #i wanna be weightless #weightlessness #i want to be weightless #weightlossjourney #dieting #diet #diet and nutrition #healthy diet #healthy nutrition #dating #marriage #relationship #tw eating issues

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

I can’t wait to go home to my apartment. I feel like being here with my mom I am totally brainwashed by her and spend so much time talking to Dylan so I am also totally brainwashed by him. they are just both not good people for me and I know it. My mother constantly needs to have these long conversations about trivial things it’s so weird. And Dylan just straight up abuse me. Actually they both abuse me never mind. besides being scared of my apartment, my cat had fleas and it spread to my apartment so I’m trying to solve the flea problem in my apartment without telling my landlord. So far it’s taken over 6 months to resolve this problem. I just signed a lease for another year. I lived there for a year. I need to get rid of the bugs so I can go home. I hate this bitch and she cuts my hair into a million different layers and uneven pieces while I’m sleeping. I can tell it’s obvious. She is so jealous of me.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

November 19th Lunar Eclipse

I asked my doctor for more therapy because I felt like I needed it and she didn’t take me seriously at all. She said that my constant daydreaming was no big deal a month ago when I talked to her. Then I saw her about 3 days ago and luckily in only a month‘s time I solved my own problem, I no longer allow myself to daydream. I am doing this because my friends have started to notice when I daydream and I know they think it’s weird. A month ago I was doing it all the time. I was doing it all the time up until last month when I decided to change. It’s called maladaptive daydreaming disorder but it’s not recognized as a mental health condition in the DSM-5. I thought this could be a symptom like dissociation so I told myself I have to stop doing this. Daydreaming allowed me to cope by letting my mind go somewhere far away from reality. Sometimes that is ok but this is literally how my brain reacts to all forms of pain and anxiety. So, not ok. I stopped daydreaming and every time I start (which is typically only limited to once a day now) I just snap myself right back out of it in less than five seconds. The first week of stopping my daydreaming was sooo hard because I noticed myself slipping into a daydream about 50 times a day every day that first week, no fucking joke.

i asked for therapy because I also feel like I’ve been struggling lately. One day I have a general fear or worry, the next day I’m super happy. Ive been a lil worried for myself because my emotions flip like a switch. but most days it’s a positive mood. I guess it’s fine. I also feel like my mental health is much worse but I can’t exactly describe why or how.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

The program I chose at my university is a Liberal Arts Degree. This is what I’ve been wanting to go to school for. While I’m in school I’m going to work on two novels. One novel I have already wrote part of it and the other I have not started. I wrote 23 pages only of the first novel with very short chapters in it. I need to write novels while I’m in school because this is my chosen profession to write books, and I need to get better at it. I had no idea how to go about writing a novel and what formats to use. Everything I learned about cover pages and present tense vs past tense and word count and page breaks is self taught. I have not even completed my first course at my university yet. While I’m in college I definitely want to try YouTube, like give it a serious shot. I need a new camera and I still don’t know how to edit that well maybe I can learn. I don’t even know how to use a green screen. I’ve been watching my favorite content creators for the past 3 years and it looks like they have a lot of fun with it and I just want to try it too.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

I don’t want to sound fucking crazy or anything like I had mentioned a daughter but I remember being in a psychiatric evaluation screening room for a long period of time. That is the part of the hospital you go before being admitted. I remember a baby, holding a baby, and then her being ripped from my arms. I remember Dylan visited me in the hospital and I didn’t recognize him in my altered mental state and he ran away crying and then I knew it was Dylan and I kept calling his name and he wouldnt come back. I remember going home and being on Thorazine with my short red hair because my dad had asked me how I wanted my hair and for a good chunk of time on Thorazine which is basically like being a zombie. Obviously I’m not allowed to talk about this shit but for some reason I feel like this shit fucking happened like why do I remember it so clearly. I don’t want to sound crazy. I don’t know why but I think about it often now. I feel like ten years ago was so so long ago but it’s really not that long why are these things so hard to remember. Why do I forget periods of my life.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

I am agoraphobic.

somedays I can’t even leave the house to do simple things like walk across the street to the deli which would only take about 10 minutes. Does anyone else ever feel like this?

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

November 13th, 2021

My birthday was on November 7th. I turned 27. I was going to go ice skating but it was scheduled for 11:50 to 1:50 so I wake up 9 am but still feel like I’m rushing around to leave, so I don’t go. Because I don’t like rushing around. For the rest of the day I am in a bad mood. And Dylan was picking fights with me through texting. So by the end of the night I block him. I have cake and make my wish. Can’t say what it is or it won’t come true. I hate that I chose to do nothing for my birthday, but sometimes you have those bad days. A friend invited me out on my birthday but I didnt even want to go. I was too depressed about getting older, even though it is inevitable.

I eventually unblock Dylan, just like I always do . I’m tired of this cycle of him treating me like garbage, then I block, unblock a few days later, and he continues to treat me like garbage. A few of my friends know of his antics. How he tries to control me. He says that he’s my boyfriend even when we haven’t seen each other in two years. How is he my boyfriend? He’s not and I tell him he’s not. Harasses me about who I’m talking to. Just so he can go and start a conversation with that person to get them not to like me. I’m about to be done with our friendship or whatever this is. He also says asinine things. And always name calling.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

Nov 3rd 2021

I'm so happy in life right now, I couldn't be happier.

I'm in school at UAGC, I have plenty of friends (online but so what), I have a love interest, and I like the way I look right now.

Right now I'm reading Traffick the second book to Tricks. I love Ellen Hopkins, she is an amazing author. I read Tricks in 2016. I read most of her books already and plan to read more of her work.

There's also a really great book coming out in December (not by Ellen Hopkins though), it's called If this gets out. I'm so excited to read that.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

I feel like a complete mess today

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

I saw Ryan again lol. 😛😊

today is the 23rd 2 am

i saw him a few days ago.

I already feel more comfortable with him. It takes a bit out of me to open myself up to a guy.

The time before he kept complimenting me calling me hot, beautiful.

last time I saw him just a few days ago I kept running my fingers through his hair and saying “I love your natural blonde hair”

im excited to see him again and I just think he’s positive for me

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

I didn’t go for my first day of work at the bakery. I feel like I’m just going to have another fuck up in my life and I’m tired of failure. I didn’t want to fuck up so I decided not to try. What’s wrong with me

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

Bakery Job

I went for my interview and got my bakery clerk position back. The interview went really well. I’m waiting for my uniform and I start the 22nd of October, This job is busy busy busy which is how I like it, Only problem is its a 45 minute walk away there and the same amount of walking back. I’m really going to try to convince my father to at least buy me a motorcycle and show me how to get back into riding. And I think that would be kind of fun for him because he has a real obsession with motorcycles. It would come real easy to me since I rode dirt bikes from the time I was five to 11 years old.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

10/2/21*Other updates*

So after Jon gave me the 10 Xanax about 2 weeks ago, I actually developed a small physical addiction to them and was withdrawaling for a couple of days, feeling very anxious. I wouldn’t stop talking about the past and my childhood with my mother. I talked about all of the abuse and it made me feel like shit. I couldn’t stop pacing around her apartment. I thought I was going insane, having another mental break and would be thrown in the hospital again. But I knew I was withdrawaling from Xanax and had to sleep.

I also had a recent medical problem right before I started withdrawing. I had slept in my contacts a day in September because honestly I haven’t been taking the best care of myself lately. Well I guess I do a normal amount of self care but I should know to take out my contacts at night. Anyway, after I took my contacts out the next morning, my right eye was sensitive to light, half shut, was in a lot of pain and discomfort. I thought nothing of it and went on with my day. The next day I woke up and my vision in my right eye progressively got worse and worse, and I knew I had to do something when I went blind. I could only see light and color out of that eye. I couldn’t see peoples faces out of my right eye. My vision was so impaired that I couldn’t even see my mom. I had to get treated in the ER, they told me I had scratched my cornea and put me on eye drops for a week. I felt like I completely fucked myself. But I got better and now my vision is back to normal. I just had my eye appointment this week to check my eyes and i ordered a pair of glasses. I am too scared to wear contacts right now. I don’t want this to ever happen to me again. And besides, Louis Tomlinson wears glasses sometimes, and when he does he still looks pretty cute.

But anyway, that whole medical problem changed my attitude towards life and made me think about my life in a much more positive way. I accepted that I made a bad decision and it triggered a dream about me dying. In the dream they said that I was going to die at the hospital so I said goodbye to everyone and in seconds I had to accept death. and it was really hard to accept death. I act like I hate my life a lot, I get depressed, but I know I want to be here. I know I don’t want to die. I’m now taking my health way more seriously. I’ve been eating better and last year I weighed 188 lbs, and my weight is now 160 lbs. which isn’t too drastic but I’m going to continue eating better, losing more weight. I’ve had a gym membership for 3 months now but only stepped in the gym once, I haven’t been using it but I’m going to start. I am taking baby steps but this experience made me realize I’m not taking proper care of myself right now. Also I made the decision to stop eating meat again. I’ve been eating meat for years now, it’s not like I was vegetarian recently but I did feel better when I was one at some point in my life. So I’m going to make that change too.

And I follow a Wiccan path. Maybe the medical problem scared me into wanting to believe in God and go back to church. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. I’m still not sure if I want to welcome that part of my life back. Of course I can follow the Christian faith and not go to church. That’s absolutely acceptable. It’s not that I resent God it’s just that I have some trouble believing in the stories they teach. I have trouble believing that a God exists and that he created us, not with the messages of an eternal love from a divine being. I think believing in God sends out a great message. It’s just that I have some trouble believing in the story that a man named Jesus was God in human physical form and could perform literal magic to save lives, turn water into wine. But Dylan is helping me with studying the Bible and explaining the stories. He talks about God so much that I don’t bother fighting with him anymore. Because I thought I knew a lot and that I knew everything, I went to Church all of my life. Turns out Dylan knows more about the Christian faith than I do.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

Updates 10/2/2021

It‘s October.

Shoprite called me back about the bakery position, but I didn’t get a chance to call them back yet to set up the interview. So I’m going to do that ASAP and I’ll see how that goes.

Also, I am now over a week no cigarettes. I feel the addiction is just over completely, and hopefully I’m smart enough to never pick up the habit again. I still am vaping though.

The only thing I miss about my last job is Brandon. Obviously since I quit then there is no reason for him to be apart of my life anymore. He is still on my Instagram account even though I changed my password, lmao i don’t know how. He is still moving the pictures to 2 on the posts. I really really liked him I just didn’t really like the job or the message of the company, it morally didn’t sit right with me. Also it was not a reliable income, and right now I need a reliable income. Just because I have a crush on someone at work doesn’t mean I should stay at a job I don’t like.

And all of this stuff is so confusing for me right now because it’s not like Dylan and I are dating right now, we’re actually still on a break but we never stopped contact. I haven’t seen him at all in two years, but we talk every day. I don’t stop myself from being around other people and getting to know other guys. I can’t help who I like, and if we’re still on a break then I might as well see other people. I know he loves me, I know he doesn’t want anyone else but I can tell he just wants to do his own thing and I can tell that he’s still deciding about me since I am the one who broke it off two years ago.

So Ryan did hmu. About 4 days ago. He had added me on Snapchat again. And I told myself I wasn’t going to see him again but he was being so nice that I went there. I hung out with him and *oBvIouSlY* we had sex because I’m just so fucking boy crazy right now. We literally fucked for 2 hours with some talking in between and then he said he was having company and I had to go home. I was there real late 5 am to 8 am. Lol. After I got home, I felt really good. Like I was in a really good mood because I forgot how good it used to make me feel being around Ryan. And when we were making out and having sex the flashback of how deeply I was in love with him just flooded into my mind and I had felt those feelings for a few moments. it was nice. But I can’t fall for Ryan. I don’t think I can. I think this is just supposed to be casual, but then he calls me babe and we even were cuddling. I just don’t know. I would love to be his girlfriend, but I don’t want to get hurt if he doesn’t feel the same way. I just want to see how it progresses, if it progresses lol.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

My sisters hard life is my fault

I kicked my mothers stomach when she was pregnant with my sister. Thats why she has the foot and leg disability. Angelina tried escaping foster care, but DYFS knocked on my door. I told DYFS of her location. My sister was forced to get an operation on her leg (a metal pole inserted into her leg). My sister lays in bed, can hardly walk and is addicted to narcotics.

[t-o-o-s-c-r-e-w-e-d]

Thorazine

i believe I was in a medicine induced coma for 6 years. I believe this happened in 2012. My hair was short, and colored red. I have two memories from that time only (because I was on so much medicine).. I saw myself with my short red hair, and another time I was able to get outside to see Ryan. All of the other times that my friends would knock on my door he would tell my friends that I was sick. Eventually i was taken off Thorazine and returned to normal. My daughter Ariel is the biggest kept secret of my life to this day.