shitbyz

[shitbyz]

ADHD

Why can my stupid adhd brain be normal

For once

Why do I always forget

The most important things

Like turning in a scholarship

Or making sure everythings set up

So my boyfriend and I can be alone together

After not seeing one another

For a month

Why does my brain remember

Who invented lacross

And the different historical stages of Dionysus's lifespan

But can't fucking remember

To move my laundry

I'm trying

I promise I am

I'm trying to get better

But it's so very hard

Every day is a battle

Against myself

And I seem to keep losing

#poetry #adhd #adhd problems

[shitbyz]

Will it really pass?? Will this feeling of pain leave on its own? It hurts...fucking...hurts...rips out my insides and tears up my guts...the memories...I now understand why I always lose my shit when someone touches my legs.

I just want to sleep...drift away...hold my inner child and sleep the pain away...cry until the tears are spent...let the hurricane wash me away.

[shitbyz]

TW: PTSD

Tainted

God

I wish I could leave it in the past

But when you've spent

15 long years of your life

By their side

Connected at the hip

Everything reminds you of them

For something as small as

The color yellow

To swimming

To your favorite books

Your style of clothing

Your favorite songs

Your art

They can never feel the same

Because now

Now they are all tainted

And who knows

If they can ever be the same

#tw ptsd #poetry #ptsd #trauma #tw sa #nightmares #god why cant i just have my life back #why does this have to be so difficult

[shitbyz]

Enough

Why can't I be better

Why can't my body work right

Why can't I be a normal human being

Why does everything have to be so hard

Why do I feel like im never enough

Why do all the thoughts in my head

Always keep spinning

Over and over again

Forced to keep going

On this never ending

Not-so-merry-go-round

Realistically

I know I'm loved

But I've been told that before

And shown that before

And look where that got me

What if im too broken

To be loved

What if im not enough

To be loved

So I must only be

Used and abused

To be recycled again

[shitbyz]

FUCK

Why can't my PTSD just work its way around my schedule so I have time to be depressed goddammit

#ptsd #trauma

[shitbyz]

Anger

TW: Abuse, SH, manipulation

I've always struggled

With managing my anger

Even as a child

I was taught

Anger must be physical

But not from me

never from me

Only towards me

thanks mom for that

But my anger continues

Not knowing

How to manage it

No way to release it

Except with rage

And paim

But I don't want to hurt anyone

Not even those

Who hurt me the most

Not even that bastard

Who hurt me

Manipulated me

And left me alone

To suffer

By myself

So I turn my anger

Towards myself

It has to be let out somehow

Or else it will simmer

And boil over

Just like it did before

When I scarred someone

I truly love

And who has never wronged me

And they care for me

I can't hurt anyone else

Ever again

So instead

I hurt myself

#tw abuse #tw sh #tw manipulation #tw ptsd #poetry #ptsd #trauma

[shitbyz]

Fuck I don't think he will ever think this way anymore, I need to stop spiraling

Broken

I love you

oh so much

more than I could ever show

but I don't want to show

too much

I don't want to

scare you away

I don't want you to think

I'm unloveable

I'm hurt

I'm broken beyond repair

Because I believe I might be

but I'm too selfish to let you

out of my life

So I continue hiding

the parts away

that may take you away as well

#i said i wanted to steal his sweatshirt because i like his smell and this mf offers me his comfort hoodie #i dont deserve this man

[shitbyz]

Broken

I love you

oh so much

more than I could ever show

but I don't want to show

too much

I don't want to

scare you away

I don't want you to think

I'm unloveable

I'm hurt

I'm broken beyond repair

Because I believe I might be

but I'm too selfish to let you

out of my life

So I continue hiding

the parts away

that may take you away as well

#i love you my boyfriend but i don't want you to see the past in this current body even if it may affect me most days #i want you to believe im as beautiful as i see you

[shitbyz]

I did it.

I was fucking anxious. Like... I had every anxiety symptom in the book. In the minutes before my speech I almost started to cry.

But I did it!

I gave my speech in front of hundreds of people.

I even used my real name.

I talked about sexual violence and rape culture and people calling themselves feminists while supporting perpetrators and silencing survivors.

I told my story.

I told my truth.

I didn't let them silence me anymore.

I FUCKING DID IT!

My friends were with me the whole time and my family and other friends listened to my speech over the radio.

And I felt so strong.

I didn't cry. My voice didn't even shake.

I said everything I needed to say.

And I felt so strong!

I still feel so strong!

Giving that speech, not allowing them to silence me anymore gave me so much strength and courage!

I'm a strong survivor! And those disgusting abusers have no power over me anymore!

[shitbyz]

4

First blamed for another's mistake

My brother

Jealous of something I did

Stuck his fingers in the door

Of the van

And closing it

Almost breaking a finger

Blaming it on me

Of course I wasn't believed

He was the sweet angel child

5

Scarring another with my trauma

My mom would slap me

Across the face

Whenever I did anything wrong

So I learned

That is how you reprimand

So I hit my brother

With as much as I had

It's surprising how strong kids are

They can really leave a mark

If they try

6

The qualms of others

One of my best friends

Tried to drown another

In my own pool

On my birthday

Had to give each of them

Extra candy

To stay quiet

7

You should want to be kissed

May day is fun

You can leave a fun basket

And try and run

But if you get caught

You get kissed

And you want to get kissed

Right?

That's what he tells me at least

8

Dirty words

My cousin told me

How babies are made

I was just a baby myself

But I didn't know any better

So I told others as well

Not knowing

What I was doing

I made a girl cry

Just by telling her

9

Friends

I have found

That I can only have one friend

At a time

But my friends

Are not like that

So there are many times

Where I am alone

With no end in sight

10

Leaving

I have to leave

The only place I've every known

A place that my sister

Will grow to forget

A place that holds many of my fears

A place that holds much of my heart

I can return

Someday

But it will never be the same

11

Friends?

I don't think friends are supposed to behave this way

Calling me names

And playing cruel 'jokes' on me

But they are the only ones I know

And they said it was all in good fun

So it's alright

Right?

12

Womanhood

I was told I was going to like this

Growing into my body

And feeling free

But I feel more uncomfortable than ever

And I can't even recognize myself in the mirror

Who is that

Why is she staring so intently

13

Alone

Even filled in a cabin of 'friends'

I still felt all alone

Crying myself to sleep

Every day that week

No end in sight

And no joy allowed

But it was only a week

Right?

14

Who's body is this?

New people

New experiences

New everything

I still don't feel like myself

Don't recognize the person in the mirror

What face should I put on

The one I've been wearing for years

The new one I'm developing in this new crowd

Or the one I truly want to be

But none of them are me

So I continue to stare in the mirror

15

Locked away

I always thought I was an introvert

Turns out I really need social interaction

Found that out the hard way

Got depressed

Self harmed for the first time

But I didn't realize it was self harm

At first

Because it wasn't cutting

But I still hurt

16

Not my body

Trapped

Surrounded by someone else

Unable to escape

Still coming back to that place

To this day

Never being able to escape

But always wanting to leave

17

Blood

I purposely hurt myself

I couldn't bear the pain

I had tried

Soothing it out of me

Punching it out of me

Starving it out of me

Throwing it up out of me

But the only thing that worked

Was bleeding it out of me

18

Dying

I almost died

I stopped breathing

And the scariest part

We don't know why

If one more thing

Anything else

Would have went wrong

I would be dead

Never to tell this tale

#someone told me the other day that i measure my years by trauma and i realized they were right #so this is that #tw sh #tw sa #tw abuse #tw death #poetry #ptsd #trauma

[shitbyz]

TW: SA, PTSD

Respect

"She wants to wish you well

But she wants to

Continue to

Respect your wishes

So I say she's thinking of you for her"

So they finally want to respect me

Huh

That's a first

Wish that would've happened when

They made me think I was the one

Hurting them

They made me feel sorry for them

Hurting me

They made me believe

It wasn't their fault

They knowingly

Sexually assaulted me

They refused

To say sorry

They said that *I* wasn't trying

In our friendship

After fighting a losing battle to my PTSD

For THREE years

But no, you're right

Go ahead and CONTINUE respecting my wishes

Whatever makes you feel better

Right?

#tw sa #trauma #ptsd #poetry #tw ptsd #respect

[shitbyz]

When you have to look your mom in the eyes and genuinely ask "am I going to die" and then get out of the hospital and and your grandpa tells you "I thought the next time I was going to see you was going to be in heaven" you look at life a bit differently

#scared #trauma #drowning #life

[shitbyz]

"How bad is your luck?"

In the last 3 days I have:

Started my period on vacation

Gotten lice somehow

And

Almost died from drowning

(I'm lifeguard certified)

What the hell is even my life

#i’m scared #screaming #crying #pissing #shitting

[shitbyz]

When you hear your grandpa tell you

"I thought the next time I was going to see you was going to be in heaven"

That hits too hard

#tw death

[shitbyz]

The importance of boycotting

Keep this in mind for all boycotting. From doing it for Palestine to DR Congo to whoever else needs our support.

[shitbyz]

"Why do you make jokes/ make light of all past traumas or current struggles"

Because if I don't laugh I'll cry

#Im not even lying #i almost died yesterday and I've just been making jokes all morning even tho im still in the hospital

[shitbyz]

TW: Suicide

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that they had plans to attempt to suicide or had already attempted suicide I'd have six nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened six times

#tw sui vent #just clarify this isn't supposed to make fun or anything this is genuinely traumatizing for me and I just needed to vent