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selfaffirmations · 7 years

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I’m willing to work on things, but this is the most severely physically abusive relationship I have been in so far in my short twenty some years. My SO gave me a concussion, among other injuries last week. This is the 3rd time he has gotten physical with me. The reason why is a previous transgression and problem we had with me in the beginning of our relationship. however, I have always been open and honest and I try not to come at my partner with anger if I have an issue with something. I can hear him and understand how he feels about why he feels that way towards me. However, that never fucking excuses anyone to put their hands on you. If I made him feel bad for so long, he should really break it off. It’s hard to let go and I cling on when he is running away. Half the time I don't let him run away is why I get hurt. I should respect his boundary of leaving and having alone time, however he enacts this behavior at horrible times and just causes high stress scenes. he has fucking issues and skewed ways of thinking. When he is angry and has been drinking a little bit, all of his real feelings and thoughts come out. He could have broken my fingers. He spit in my face twice. oh yeah not to forget that because someone else ‘got to degrade me, I get to degrade you,’ even tho I willingly did stuff w/ him in that moment and honestly don’t feel any way about that because I wasn’t forced even tho he obvi sounds like a POS saying stuff like that and asking to do that. and if that’s how he wants to do me, why would he want to call me ‘his.’ what kind of man would honestly say, ‘yeah, she loves to be degraded, and I love to degrade her, that’s my woman.” I think he is just trying to belittle me to try and make him feel bigger. for calling me a narcissist a million times, he sure seems like one. he calls his dad one and just about everyone else in his family, so hmmm, sounds like the shoe fits. I just don't know how I keep getting myself into these shitty relationships after being in one abusive one. I obviously already know everyone will think I am crazy for even still being with the asshole. I wish there was more rhetoric on intimate partner abuse and rehabilitating together. That is if the abuser is open to see how fucked up their thinking is and getting therapy. I talked about a batterer intervention program. Which he said he would do for me. Surprisingly. Because my other two abusive ex’s never really would admit fault EVER at all. I would have to beg the first one for apologies, and the second one just dragged me through hell and back for 2 months until I cut it off. I don’t feel right. I wish I could. I wish I could somehow feel okay and have any kind of hope that I could make it with him. If not, I need to stop fighting it. It will be hard, but I will be okay alone. I am mostly worried about my concussion’s symptoms, as I have had sleep disturbances since and I can feel my head hurts. Like my skull. I’m going to really be focusing on me and my health. Even if I am still with him, I can’t give anymore enery to another high stress event like that .If he is going to give me problems, I just have to let go. he knows what he did is wrong, even if is ego does fight him a little and I can hear it. He would cry and say sorry and say he knows it was wrong and that this can’t happen again. Then he gets irritable and defensive, because “yea I might have beat u up but you beat my heart up.” Maybe I was emotionally abusive to him in the begging with how I handled my situation. I still didn’t sit there and degrade his entire being and have always been open to working on things/communicating about problems. Actual healthy communication, not screaming at my face about how much of a piece of shit I am because I don't do this and that at my age. Another problem why this even lead here was because he couldn’t be a man and say he didn’t want me to do or not go somewhere. Instead, he likes to play these mind games of ,” Do what you think is best.” bullshit. Or you could just be straight up with me and tell me what you want and how you would feel if something went one way or another. He’s put me through other tests as he says, like bringing up meeting certain people to see how I would react. During this last fight he pretty much went insane and I let him go through my phone, and he was asking me about past transgression of my ex relationships, even with rebounds. He attacks and degrades me for shit that has nothing to do with him and happened before I ever knew of his existence. I don’t sit there and say I’m going to go hunt out info from all his ex flings. He also tries to always say this shit comparing to his first real relationship. Not that it was rainbows and sunshine, in fact, he fucking hates her. But he loves to tell me, “She was never this bad, or I never treated her like that even.” To imply, ‘Look how bad this girlfriend of mine was, and you know all about it. Yet, you’re fucking worse than that.” I hate abusive men. They are really good at manipulating you. I didn’t even realize all of his fucked up ways of manipulation and controlling me until I thought of how he speaks to me when he is angry. And I realized, I haven’t once done that type of shit to him. if I ever do, it is in response and retaliation to his degradation of my character. I do it a little bit, because I try so hard to work on shit and he just sits there and shits on me, so you start acting the same as they are treating you.

I feel so fucking stupid, We might have been fine had I not done the shit I did. He made a mistake in the beginning too, not of the same nature and probably not affecting us the same way but it was still something I could have used against him like how he uses this against me. I new there was a point to forgive and move one, and he acts like he is there but then it all comes back up and shows me he hasn’t forgiven shit. I will be alone forever if end up breaking up. I am done giving myself to any boys. I don’t need them. I need me. I need to work on my life and make sure all aspects are in order before I bring in a MAN. Because if I will ever need anything of the male species, it will be a MAN over a boy. If you read this, and reply to me or anything. If someone has any kind of success story of healing together. I would love to hear it. I feel so lost. I’m in limbo. But also weirdly emancipated from my co-dependency (obviously not fully since i’m still in a relationship). I feel I am going to definitely be doing my best to put me first from now on in all situations. Not selfishly, but just in a healthy way. I don’t even care about the outcome of my relationship right now. I just want to be healthy and happy. If that’s with my SO or not, so be it. I won’t have someone doing this to me every few months. I won’t get myself trapped before I get in too deep and have another incident. If I ever get to a point where I know it will be going forward or backward, I will probably have to make damn fucking sure I won’t go through this bullshit again. I know most people will say it is unlikely. But I think if therapy is involved, which I am leaning toward, will help.

In the meantime, I just have to remind my self not to internalize ANYTHING that was said or done to me. That has nothing to do with me, it is my SO’s fucking problem with his behavior, attitudes, perceptions, coping mechanisms and mental illness if there are any. He likes to self project a lot too and says all this shit to me that oddly sounds like HIM! I just remember the words he says reflects him and not me. Whatever powers that may be, so help me. help this universe. help these disturbed, skewed thinking males (and females that are like this). help the victims that get stuck in these god forsaken cycles. I pray for or send good energy towards any woman that has to deal with this fear, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, loss, etc. His way of thinking will not become my inner voice.

I am worthy

I am modest.

I try my best.

I deserve to be loved and respected.

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to feel safe and secure.

I am not better than anyone and no one is better than me. All I am and can be, is better than what I was the day before. I love myself. From the outside, in.

#abuse #help #love #stuck #domestic violence

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