Disabled. Disability. Feels like such a weakness, a weak excuse. But apparently I have to come to terms with the fact that I have a fucking disability. Because I am, in fact, disabled from this pain. I am, in fact, debilitated to do normal things and live a normal life. I am, in fact, unable to do as others can. And while hospital is a thing of the past now (touch fucking wood to not jinx that), it is still something I may fall back if I take a turn for the worst. Fml. Disabled. Makes me feel weak. It took nearly six years to get my head around not feeling weak from having chronic pain. Now I have to come to terms that I have a fucking disability. Fuck. My. Life.
The days when it catches up to me, no matter how much I try to keep on top of it. The days when it flares up, no matter how little I attempt to do. The days when I can't move, no matter how many mindfulness exercises I do. The days when I chant over and over 'I hate my life', no matter how much I remind myself the good things I have. The days where nothing causes it, no matter what I did.
It always catches up to me, and I'm still struggling to find balance in managing this chronic pain.
I love you more than words, more than life, more than all. You are my light, my heart, my soul. And now that I can comfortably look after us both, we will live the best life. The life of royalties for all to bow to. Because fuck em all but you.
We liked them. And we wanted to spend time with them. All of this texting back and forth. He was sleeping, so we easily sneaked out to bring them back here.
And we arrived back.
I let her have my bed with him, while I took the mattress on the floor with him. I really liked him. I thought I did.
We cuddled, we talked, we joked. And we kissed.
I'm not sure what she was doing with him. Were they okay? I was too busy being with him to notice or care.
And he kept touching me. I told him to stop. Please stop. But he wouldn't. And he placed his hand there.
Yuck. I was on period. I told him not to! But he did, and I hated myself for it.
We made them leave. And the next morning, we shared the same story. We were both uncomfortable and sad.
And she came home, so we told her. And down to the station we went.
I told them what he did, what they did. So, a protection order could be put in place. The process of it started anyway.
He started texting me. Harassing me. Begging me to drop it. Guilt tripping me. I was at fault, I was an awful person, I was ruining his life.