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June 1st

I’m kind of stuck in the middle when reflecting on how I feel like this day went. I didn’t sleep all that much but I purposely woke up early to see a friend and go for breakfast. It really doesn’t matter what i do with her it always makes me feel super good because her and I get along so well and we have an understanding that makes our friendship easy and very low maintenance which is a very important thing for me at this time in my life because I haven’t been able to mentally handle complicated or numerous friendships at one time and so being friends with her is just something that works that I value more than I could express.

Back to breakfast, so we went to Cora’s, I had only been there once before and I wasn’t exactly waiting for the chance to go back but she likes it a lot and I have definitely had worse food, it really just was lackluster again but that was really besides the point. I paid for our food because for the past while she has been super kind while I haven’t had any money and has been paying for a lot of things for me so this is my way of paying her back and saying thank you. That leads me to something i want to talk about a little more in depth: charity, and sharing.

I’ve always been kind of precarious when it comes to sharing because I don’t like sharing my things but I have an overwhelming impulse to spend my money on my friends, no matter what my financial situation be. My dream is honestly to make enough money that I could buy things for people or help support them and still have enough left over to be satisfied in my own life. I firmly believe in I guess what you define as karma but I like to think of it more like this: you tend to get what you put out into the world. So the happier you are and the more you share and support people, your life will be more positive and enjoyable, besides I think having an attachment to your wealth only makes you greedy and blinds you from some of the more important things in your life.

Anyway, getting back to my day, afterwards we stopped my Michael’s which is something that I have been avoiding because of course I have recently rediscovered my interest in cross stitching again and I splurged and spend $120 on a new project so pray that I stick to it and make it worth it. I think that it will be good for me because it replaces my need to buy makeup (which all tended to be very expensive, high-end brands) and even though I’m spending a lot of money at one time, it is saving me some money in the long run by picking up a relatively cheaper hobby. So yeah, I think that’ll be nice, something that I can do in my spare time if I actually have any of that in the next year haha. 

Later that day, after I had gone home, I had an appointment with the bank, I was opening up a new account with a new bank and I was going to start investing my money, something that I’ve been meaning to do for more than a year now but have been too scared to do because it meant not having access to a decent chunk of my paycheck every two weeks. Now that I’ll hopefully be getting more money more steadily maybe it wont seem so bad and I’ll actually have something put away for when I’m finished with my doctorate program, or wherever I’ll be in 5 years. So again, that was good so up until now my day had gone by pretty well.

I worked at Taco Bell, as I have been every weekday for the past little while but today everyone seemed off and grumpy, and nothing really seemed to go right and we just couldn’t manage to coordinate ourselves to save our lives. Overall it wasn’t bad, I’ve been in a great mood lately and I don’t think it was able to  take me down because I’ve been really trying to keep the people around me happy because it makes the day go by better for everyone.

OH side note, yesterday night I got an email from one of my old professors asking if I wanted to help her and a colleague of hers set up a screening of a film called This is Gay Propaganda, a fill about LGBTQIA rights, and the war in Ukraine. She showed us the film when I took the class with her and she thought that I would be a good match to help organize the screening and asked if I knew any groups that would be interested in helping out with the screening as well, so stay tuned for more on that because I am sure there will be more to come.

#June 1st #original-gap-gay #Micheal's #cross stitching #friends #finances #investments #taco bell #this is gay propaganda #LGTBQIA rights #war in ukraine #blog #diary #Cora's #mental health

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Self Confidence

Personally, self confidence is something for me that has always been very blurry, now more than ever. This is because I don’t know where I am at with my self confidence, I’ve always been heavier, currently sitting somewhere probably about 50 to 60 pounds heavier than where I’d been in an ideal world. However, don’t get what I’m saying mixed up with what I mean. The number annotating my weight has very little to do with my self confidence in that, I want to be at a weight where my body is physically at a good balance between muscle and body fat, with no implicated health issues.  My metabolism has never been very nice to me, nor have my eating habits and the culmination of both have put me in a place where I am not unhappy, but rather unsatisfied with how I look. I think that just being able to maintain a healthy and balanced body is a goal for me but the time I am 21, I don’t want to leave my “peak age” without physically at least trying to reach my ideal look. This gives me 2 years, 1 month and 2 days to put myself in a position to challenge myself and to reach a goal.

Being someone who has struggled with the idea that my weight is a determining factor of my attractiveness, or my self worth, I think that my progress on how I see my body has begun to contribute to my mental health. Looking back on myself in the 11th grade (which is a whole other story for another time that I’m sure I will discuss here) I was in a pretty bad place and was letting my weight, pull me down (not in a literal sense). Since then i have worked a lot in accepting myself no matter how I look and taking a situation and making it better, so now that I have become comfortable with my weight, I think I am beginning to be ready to set the earlier mentioned goals in hopes to keep myself on track for bettering my mental and physical health.

I’m going to be honest this post is a bit of a mess, maybe i’ll come back and talk about this a little more when I have some clearer thoughts on the topic but tl;dr I am fat, that’s okay, I’m ready to better myself.

#self confidence #fat acceptance #goals #original-gap-gay #health #mental health #blog #june 1st

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May 31st

I guess it’s technically June 1st right now, but I haven’t slept yet so it isn’t really official in my head. I guess this is my official intro to my thoughts/diary blog thing and it’s basically going to be everything I think about and how I feel, and progress through my life in a way to try to make sense of what can be both a hectic and very bland life.

Starting out this blog I just want to provide some background with who I think I am and how I feel about my life, so here it goes. Today was honestly one of my best days this year in an almost inexplicable way, I woke up and just had this overwhelming good feeling and I just let it take control of me for the entire day. I danced at work, I bought food for a friend and just overall let myself do the things that made me happy (or maybe even vice versa). I often dictate how my day goes by how I feel when I wake up which is often determined by my mental health, however, recently I have been trying to make an effort to pick out the happiest feelings in my day and really let those define me because I am trying to make the best of what I have.

My motto as always been “fake it ‘til you make it” because it’s something that has always worked for me and this past month I haven’t been feeling like I’ve been faking anything really. I guess I might have to find a new motto soon which I guess is a good thing! I think the reason this has always worked for me is because if I tell myself that I am happy enough times, I start to focus on the good things in my life and it almost infectiously spreads throughout the rest of my day until the bad things really don’t seem to matter.

I have this app that I’ve been tracking my mood with for just over three months now called Daylio and it has really helped keep my positive outlook on my life because I can look back on my month on days where maybe I feel like I’ve been in a bad place and realize that maybe I’m just overreacting and projecting my current bad feelings on some of my better days which can lead to me feeling really drained. I have noticed especially in this last month my mood has seen a huge turn for the better and it has been what encourages me to continue down the path I’m taking right now.

That brings me to my not-so-great transition into the fact that I recently started a new job at the first Taco Bell to open up in my city. I went into this job with a bad feeling and a lot of anxiety expecting the worst and telling myself that I wouldn’t like it before I even started it but I needed the money so I’ll just have to suck it up. And if you can tell where this is going, you would be able to guess that it is nothing like I expected at all, I actually really love this job, even though it is definitely a temporary stop for me. I have a lot of coworkers that really like me and I’ve been doing really well, which is good to feel because I have been putting a lot of effort into making sure that I do as good as possible at my job because I do car about my position.

This leads me into how I’ve been feeling financially, I’m not very well off, actually I’m not even doing a little okay in this department and a lot of that has been because I haven’t been getting many hours at work just because our store hasn’t been doing so well and my manager doesn’t have a lot of hours to offer in the first place which I understand. However, with my new job at Taco Bell, it has opened me up to the potential to have a full time job and actually make money and be able to spend some of it and still save which honestly has been my only life goal for the past little while because I would like to both move out of my parents’ place, and pay for the trip to Orlando I’m going on this summer.

I am taking on a lot though, because on top of my two jobs, and working more than full time, I will be taking two summer classes, and they’ll take up two and a half hours each a day for a full month so I don’t know how well that is going to work out for me but I love to keep busy and I’m always up for challenging myself, I just hope that I don’t push myself too far. They’re both economics classes, a subject that I am extremely fond of so hopefully that helps make the experience a little bit easier and hopefully I can find time to sleep sometime during the week because God knows I’ll need it.

So there’s my not-so-little blurb about myself and how I’ve been feeling lately. Most of my posts won’t be this long and maybe won’t even be 100% related to what’s going on in my life but I thought a bit of context, and the opportunity to get everything else would be a good start for this blog so kudos if you actually read this far through this post.

#blog #introduction #school #life #finances #jobs #June 1st #original-gap-gay #daily life