nofilterphoenix-blog

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

Empty and alone

Ever run ahead from the group as a child and then suddenly realise...you ran so far that now theres no one around you...you are alone and lost?

That is my life.

I have no friends...no real ones anyway...not ones that i know i call talk to or grab a no questions asked hug.

I am..alone.

And i dont have the energy anymore to fight!

Gaming used to be my outlet and now i have no desire, then it was art! Fuck that, its the same result and i only end up having myself/over analyzing everything anyway.

Im 4 hours into a slow and sleepy cry, my brain isnt comprehending why it all started but my pillow is soaking wet because of my tears...

I dont care anymore.

I dont care if i hurt anyone.

I want out!

I want to fucking sleep!

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

Dry land

Exhausted

Drowning

Dripping wet and freezing cold

I clamor for safety

My hands meet solid ground and my heart slows in peace

I am safe now

Our eyes meet and a lifetime of joy, love and happiness floods my memories and i cant help but smile..

But you finally see me for who i am, broken. And thats not okay

You see me broken and retreat

The warm sandy beach once between my toes is now suffocated by hugh tide and my fear returns...

Its not the tide

My island is sinking.

I leap for your hand but you are gone and i plummet to the depths below.

Cold

Wet

Exhausted

I am drowning

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

I let go of his hand in hope of his happiness... Now i have lost my forever and feel no joy. When i close my eyes all i see is his face and it tears me up inside..knowing that im not there. I want him to know why I want...i want him

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

My brain tells me to kill myself, again. And again I remind it of the fact there are groceries to be bought, that there is homework that needs to get done. That my little siblings are running out of role models. I go down the list of things And reasons why this moment is not a good moment to kill myself. Finally my brain gives up and allows me to move on. Then the next time I see a pill bottle, or car, or knife, or alcohol, it all starts over again.

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

Non-Commital Suicidal Thoughts

I wake up everyday with the dark cloud over my head and all i can think of, is how tired i am even though i slept 14 hours....how even the thought of getting out of bed drains me of any and all energy i even had that morning.

When my feet hit the floor i take a moment and breathe in deeply... “once i get up...thats it! no sad face for the public..people are way worse off than you and you can suck it up”. i push off the bed and begin the exhausting marathon that is my day.

I skip breakfast as i always do.. “not hungry this morning..it’s too early to eat” i would explain to mum as i rush out the door, headed for work in my tiny brass coloured car. 

I have this habit of timing how long each trip will take down to the MINUTE.. 30 into my works office, 15 to the shops, 24 minutes to my friends house and 12 to my favourite lookout above my town. Along each drive i have a bombardment of thoughts come and go.. “pull suddenly into that guardrail” “ drive straight into that truck” “stop the car here and walk out onto the highway” or..my personal favourite “drive to the lookout, jump the fence and fall...”. But i can never seem to make myself do these things...i have no energy. the thoughts pass through my mind as if they were song lyrics on the radio...i can hear them but i just let them wash over me. tapping my thumbs on the wheel to the music of my steady beating heart.

Once at work, sad me doesn’t exist.....shes not allowed to come out and play. i shove her into the back closet of my mind and hide her under dusty sheets and worn out clothes. Hoping...Praying...that no one ever tries to find her. Because if they knew she existed, i would be seen as broken... an emotional mess unable to take care of herself LET ALONE anyone else.

Driving home i grab takeaway in mass and eat a full days portion in 4 minutes..half of me screams to throw it all up and half of me begs me not to. Clutching onto the shitty nutrients i feed it.

Home....finally. A place where i equally feel alone and loved. I didnt honestly thing it was possible to feel both at the same time... i brush past my family and give them all hugs, telling them of my “amazingly busy” work day and i head for my room. i don’t shower...i dont get changed... i simply toss off my shoes and curl up in my record breaking 27 week sheetless, unmade bed...and i fall asleep. Drifting off to the sound of sad me begging to take all the pills in the house, to run a knife across my thighs like i did years ago... to will myself into never waking up again.

Her words used to scare me...now they simply sooth my aching body and lull me to sleep.

Repeat.

#depression #suicide #suicidal #anxiety #diaryofdepression

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

Exhausting Suicide

I want to die

But im too tired to do anything..

If i just could fall asleep and never wake up, that would be perfect.

Tonight i close my eyes and pray for everything to end

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

Woof

I have a dog..

I didnt want him but i have had him since birth.

Somedays he is a tiny puppy, barely even noticeable! Other days he is a force to be reckoned with, a brute of grizzly bear status holding me by the throat and its all i can think about.

Sometimes it feels like he goes on adventures away from me, it could be months and i dont even hear his claws on my wooden floor.

Nowadays he takes up my whole bed..weighing down on my chest at night and making me stay in bed all day. I dont have the energy to fight him anymore..even thinking about moving is exhausting and i am over it.

He leaves bite marks and claw marks all over my body so that i ache, every movement drain me of energy and fills me with pain.

Someone please...take my dog away

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

A new beginning?

Hes back.

And hes sorry.

But what if its all a rouse?

Is he crawling back because he has lost his friend? Or just because he is lonely?

Or maybe...

Just maybe...

He really means what he says in our phone calls and text messeges.

Maybe he has changed and things will finally be okay.

But this is all maybes..and no matter how much my heart scream yes, i will continue to be unsure.

I can't be hurt like that again...not by him...

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

Ever just have those moments where you dont have any feelings...that laying or sitting in one spot and staring into the distance feels overwhelming and all you want to do is sleep? That if you just didnt wake up from a nap, that would be okay? Not taking pills or whatever...just...letting go. I get that people would miss me but that noise is drowned out by the deafening silence i hear when im alone. Doctors drug me, shrinks ask questions i dont know how to answer, parents worry about how im feeling when i dont even feel a thing. I dont need help, so i dont make a fuss about it. I dont draw attention to my mental state because in the grand scheme of things..others are in greater need of attention and time. So many people want to help and make me talk, when all i want is someone to sit beside me when i stare off in the distance and know that nothing even needs to be said. That just being with me in silence is enough.

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

My depression isnt a heavy object crushing my lungs and forcing me to breathe shallowly anymore...its more so a peaceful acceptance. Like dancing silently on the edge of a cliff at sunset, you see the beauty around you and smile as every movement may or may not make you fall. Ive been here so long that i do not care if i fall...i just prefer being silently calm on the edge of the end. If i stay silent long enough, when i fall no one will notice.

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

Confessions of a closet-case

So im going to try and say something that I've written over a billion times and never really fully...put out there.

I am a pansexual with an incredibly rare attraction to men.(like 0.1%)

My ex was a male and i can promise you this...he was that 0.1%...and i certainly was in love with him. He taught me things about myself that i never even knew to be true, that i was beautiful when i woke up, my seemed to be failures were steps in the right direction, he wasnt ashamed to be with an over 6ft woman, and always pushed me to be better!...

But this was short lived, killing what friendship we had and forcing us to start anew.

Did we mistake closeness for affection?

Did we both fall for eachother out of loneliness and one very late night phone call?

Never let anyone tell you that long distance is easy aslong as you talk regularly! The jealousy, the time zones, that nagging voice telling you "they are better off with someone closer...stop this"...they are what kills it!

Ive never been one for emotions, and thats an issue that runs way too deep to even explain. He never heard why...maybe i never said...but its not exactly something to explain over the phone.

Emotions are useless..but this time it broke me. I can count the times i have cried over people in my lifetime on one hand. Never did i expect to spill tears on him...not this way.

Ive lost my best friend and confident.

I no longer have someone to confide in all my worries and stories...and i ache knowing that i can no longer have the chance to roll over and see his peaceful mug sleeping beside me...every bad dream moment only pulling my closer.

But...more than all my pain and heart ache.

I wish him happiness

And i will continue telling myself that until my fake smile and laughter becomes real for him.

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

I remember..

I remember the first time i wrote about having depression and the urge to cut.. The class was given the task of writing a story, one that was deep and captured the reader from the first word…i wrote mine…and it sent my mother into a frenzy.

“BLOOD The pristine, white porciline of the sink was not so pristine anymore.. Sharpened metal met her soft skin and the crimson beads fell slowly below. The falling water from the shower masks her cries while the tears gently topple over her now flushed pink cheeks.

Each slice, every cut, every elegant movement of the silver dancer, made the pain inside her seem so distant. If she could not control the life she was given…then she would control the pain she felt.”

Once i brought the first draft to my mother, she crumpled it up and said to never show it to my teachers.. “they would get the wrong idea about our family!”

It was then, in 8th grade that i learnt to never show my mother..or anyone else for that matter..what really went on in my mind. She never knew that what i wrote, was in fact fiction. That the cuts the protagonist created, were previously experienced and created by me.. The first time my mother found out i was selfharming i was 17, and the first thing she did? Sent my brother and i off to our grandparents for a visit..my brother reported back to her on my health..and 2 weeks later we were on a bus home.

She messeged me asking how i felt, i thought why not be honest? “Still feel like i am drowning” i replied.. “In what? Self pity?” That was not the answer i was hoping for from my mother..granted years later she now knows more about depression and understands. But at that time it only drove me further away.

I stopped cold turkey after that, but my self harm worked its way into different areas of my life, i would over eat…or just stop eating, i even vomited after every meal for a bit. The worst would of been hitting my foot with a 3kg weight over and over again..in hopes to smash SOMETHING. I ended up with only bruises, but to me it was something.

If i could go back to the day i wrote that story, i would tell young me to give it to the teacher anyway…because even if my mum didnt hear me…maybe the teacher would of.

#depression #selfharm #school #iremember

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

Welcome back to hell

Well to say this week has been shit...would be an enormous understatement. My depression and anxiety came running back into view like a mother fudger, about wednesday last week. Took only two days until i awoke to my mother informing me that my brother is being escourted to the mental ward in hopes to up his medication..of course the whole cavalry arrives! Two cop cars and two ambos in one van. Didn't take long for them to help him and my dad uberd them.both back home within hours. I love my brother more than anything and seeing him so unstable at that point, made me bawl my eyes out once i hid back in my room. Fast forward into mid week and my usual white commodore breaks down on me..not a normal fix breakdown..an IF YOU DRIVE THIS IT WILL EXPLODE breakdown. Okay fair nuff, ill use the family truck for work! And what happens? As im about to start my shift...the truck breaks down! It had been totally fine!!! Ahhhhh! At this point my anxiety kicks into high gear and i fight off a panic attack while ordering an uber and calling RACQ for after my shift. I take the client around the shops and we happily see a movie, only to finally finish my shift and have work call to say "the parent never wants you to work with that client again" what the hell?! Work was super apologetic and hey, thats fine..i have plenty of clients! Aaannd im not working the next day, so my truck can be fixed without stress of work. Flip to today! I wake up in a deep deep funk and slowly begin cleaning up the kitchen while my family was out (7 hours alone)... only to get a call from work asking where the hell i was? And that i was due to work for a client that was not on my roster... I curse and apologize, explain the situation and apologize again...nearly in tears. Supervisor is clearly pissed and dissapointed! Thus sending my anxiety THROUGH THE ROOF AND SKYWARDS... I stress clean the house top to bottom 3 times over, thinking "this is it...you are about to lose the only job you love..you always fuck up...good one phoenix!" Finally the family comes home and i explain what happened, they try and comfort me but it isnt any help. I go lay down in my room and stare at the un-opened box of antidepressants on my bedside table.."maybe i should start taking these again" i tell myself in an effort of comfort. But then that one thought finally creeps in...the one ive been fighting off for years. "What if you just take them all? Then your family wouldn't have a dissapointment for a daughter, your work doesn't have to deal with a shit worker like you, why are you even here still? All you do is fuck up" The last time i had those thoughts, i had just lost my internship at the only job i loved back then...and all i wanted to do was walk into traffic. ..i didnt take those pills Im tired... And i hope with every night i fall asleep...that i wake up and this black dog of depression isnt at my door

#depression #depressing #journal #suicide

[nofilterphoenix-blog]

Introduction

WELCOME FREAKS, GEEKS AND ALL WEIRDOS IN BETWEEN!!

My name is Phoenix :)

And i figured that a quick introduction about myself, would be the better way to start of this blog. Granted most of the stuff i will be writing is stupid or depressing...but hey this happens to be one of the only ways to actually speak my mind without creating “attention” to myself in the eyes of those close to me.

I am a 23 year old, Australian woman who works in disability care here in Queensland. I have depression and anxiety, i never liked the phrase “suffer with”, because yeah it may suck..but i don’t like to remind myself about it.

I have three brothers and absolutely NO sisters!    Lucky? i know right! My family has a history of alcoholism and drug abuse, but i wouldn’t trade them for the world <3 although sometimes i would trade them for a flippen violet crumble!

My dream career goal would be to be an animator for pixar... why not disney or dreamworks? Because shhhhhhh i really don’t know. maybe i watched one too many pixar films and fell in love with the company and what they stood for. I’ve always wanted to impact a childs life, in the same way that animated films impacted me growing up. The thought that someone spent hundreds, if not thousands of hours, creating various characters and deep connections between them and the viewers...it completely blew my tiny 6 year old mind!

But hey if i never work for them that’s okay :)  i am over the moon in love with my job and the people i work for, maybe art and animation could just be a hobby! or maybe down the road, when or if i have kids, i could create stories for them and illustrate every page!  can you imagine watching your kids grow up loving your books? and go tell their friends about it...only to have their tiny, innocent hearts CRUSHED when their friends say they are insane and that the book doesn’t exist....MWAHAHAHAHHAHA

Anyway that’s a little bit of me :)

See you nerds later <3 but until then!

STAY WEIRD!!

~Phoenix