llamamonger

[llamamonger]

One of the hardest parts about this whole situation with my dear friend getting married & leaving me behind has been feeling like I’m being petty & impatient & jealous. Sometimes I am definitely being petty & small & hate myself for being that way, but where someone else might be able to reassure or comfort themselves out of the anxiety of “losing” a friend to their romantic interest, my situation feels much more hopeless. Regardless of whether I do manage to fully repair the relationship, I have no place in their life anymore. People say to just give a person a year & they’ll come back to their friends, but it’s not that kind of situation. They’ve fully embraced their spouse’s family (mom, sister, brother, brother’s gf), most of whom they knew before their spouse, and now that they’re related by marriage, I know I’m below these people in their hierarchy of relationships—I’d never have been “family” to them even if I had been the silent agreeable friend they wanted. My own family, who was almost a surrogate family for my friend for years, having meals every week & including them for holidays & outings, is not nearly as friendly & fun as their new family, and no one has made any effort to even have lunch together since the wedding.

But the worst is that my friend and I were both close to their spouse’s sister before all this, and now I’m having to watch them together from the outside, being actively excluded. And I don’t know what all my friend has told this other friend about our situation, because sometimes it feels like there is some negativity towards me, that the exclusion is on purpose. I’m not just losing one friend—I’m losing two & the friendship we all had together. It’s heartbreaking. And this other friend, she’s also the only other aroace I know. Not only have I been replaced with a person who won’t ditch them for a romantic relationship & open up a space for me eventually if I’m patient, but I’ve also lost the companionship of the only other person who could relate to my aroace experience.

There’s no way out, there’s no way forward, no other option, it feels like, except to lay down and give up. From every direction, I’m slapped down wherever I try to find a way back in, even long-term. I keep thinking maybe I’ve found a position to hole up in to wait things out, be patient & still, but I feel like it’s stupid to put any hope in that when it’s almost certain everyone will just move on past me. And I have to hide all the pain, all the different kinds of pain. The only blessing of the neuralgia is having a medical reason to express & acknowledge pain of some kind, even if I can’t talk about or explain my heartbreak.

#live blog of my stupid little life

[llamamonger]

I’m not dying of blood clots, it turns out, but as I mentioned, I was going to have to clarify the friendship with my dear friend regardless of whether I’m dying or not. I texted what I needed to say, asking whether they wanted a real, balanced friendship with me or not. They decided they wanted to talk in person about it, but when they had to cancel the meeting for being sick, they never rescheduled. I was pretty sure I wasn’t a priority at that point, so I wasn’t hopeful for when I finally did get a meeting, and my instinct was right—they said they didn’t think it was going to work out. I told them I’d respect that decision if it’s what they really want, but they have to own it & they wouldn’t. They felt like they couldn’t do anything right & it was pointless to keep trying. I pointed out that in everything, including their romantic relationships, they have no problem making an effort for what they really want, but they’ve made very little with me. They claimed they weren’t good at being attentive & intentional, but I said I was sure they didn’t have a problem being that way with their romantic interests, & I wasn’t contradicted.

They claimed they did want a friendship with me, claimed they missed talking with me, though they said it was anxiety-inducing to think of talking to me. They’d just been assuming the worst about me, that I’m just being controlling, despite everything I’d told them, and all I could say was everything I’d said before. That it’s so hard to mask when you’re in physical pain every day, all day, for months & I stopped sugarcoating things. That everything I’ve said & done has been out of deep love & rational concern, not a desire to control. I told them I didn’t know what else I could say or do to convince them, but I could try harder to be less abrasive. We did come to an understanding, and I did feel like they did truly want to be my friend. They only got emotional once, when talking about their dog & how long it’s been since it had seen me. I’ve always wondered a little if they sometimes used the dog as a surrogate for themself when talking about my value in their life. When we had the first serious talk about showing gratitude, instead of telling me about how much I meant to them, they talked about how much I mean to their dog & cat, how they appreciate the treats & attention. It was odd & unsatisfying at the time, considering that was the first time I told them I loved them, but perhaps it was a way around saying things plainly. Or it was nothing. They were glad we sorted things out, and they talked to me more afterward, though I still think they’d rather me be on the outside of their life. They & our mutual made lunch plans one day pretty much in front of me without including me, despite the countless times I’ve included both of them in my lunch plans. It felt awful, and I was in a lot of pain that day anyway, but it took a couple days before I broke down crying in the shower about it & what it said about the future. I don’t know what to do about any of it. I’m letting my friend decide how they want this to go, and I’ll stay out of where I’m not wanted.

The pain is getting worse, and it may be a month before I get any medicine to relieve the pain or more imaging to confirm a diagnosis, and in the very likely event the medicine isn’t worth the side effects, I’d be faced with neurosurgery, so I don’t know how functional I’ll be. My value among people has always been tied to my functionality—my usefulness, what I do instead of who I am—because of my autism. And yet everything I’ve done & worked so hard at, from the bottom of my heart, for my friend seems ultimately worthless in the end. But to stay in the world in any meaningful way, I have to stay at least superficially function, with what little energy I have. It would make all the difference in the world if I knew my friend cared about me & thought of me & wanted me around, but that’s not a reality I have access to.

#live blog of my stupid little life

[llamamonger]

I’ve tried to give my friend space since they’ve been distant with me for a while now, even after I thought we’d talked things out well enough to be normal. They got me a fun present for my birthday, which I was so happy about, but I started to worry that it was mostly to save face. They still don’t text me and tend to ignore my messages, even though I’ve been trying not to bother them. Even in person I feel ignored sometimes. They’ve grown closer to our mutual friend, the sibling of their partner, and anytime I’m around them both, typically not included in the conversation, I feel just the deepest grief—it’s like watching what I used to have & will never have again flaunted in front of me. Like I have no place in my friend’s life anymore. And I can’t take it much longer. I already told them a while ago how lonely I feel, from the autism primarily but also being aroace, and how this whole ordeal has exacerbated that feeling & how I’ll need to avoid putting myself in situations that make me feel lonely for the sake of my health.

Since before they started dating (6 months), I’ve been dealing with mysterious pain in my ear/throat. I recently found out the cause is likely a blood clot in my jugular vein, somewhere inside my head. Not sure where all this will lead, but before I found out the pain had a very serious cause (instead of being something chronic & nonfatal), I was preparing to let my friend know that I can’t do a half-ass friendship—that I need them to commit to a real friendship with me or end the friendship entirely. Having hope for a real friendship & having it dashed over and over again has been almost unbearable. I’d rather be able to kill it entirely and grieve than wait for them to come back around (which I doubt is even the option people seem to think it is—the rest of my friends were less intentional about cutting me out of their lives when they got married). I was going to let them know that they were well within their right to end the friendship—I did hurt them at times, and that was unfair to them since I knew from the time I began the friendship that there was a high likelihood I would hurt them despite all efforts not to. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have continued at all once I realized that, or warned them at least, because in that moment I knowingly chose to subject them to hurt, regardless of whether I was trying my best to avoid the inevitable. They’re informed enough now, though, to decide if my friendship is worth the pain I bring with me, and all I want is for them to be fully in or fully out, hot or cold—not back & forth or somewhere in between. I couldn’t deal with chronic pain in addition to all the emotional pain that the half-friendship was causing.

However, now that I have a severe medical issue, I don’t want them to take this as emotional blackmail. But I also don’t want them pretending that we’re friends during all this just to save face. And if they do sincerely care about me, it may hurt them if I’m casting doubt on that, and I don’t want to push them further away. But perhaps this is the watershed moment it needs to be.

#live blog of my stupid little life

[llamamonger]

lemons

I saw somewhere that when a lemon tree is stressed & faced with the likelihood of death, it produces one last giant crop of fruit, popping out so many lemons, sometimes to the point of breaking the branches. I’ve felt this way lately about my urge to do as much as I possibly could for my dear friend before they got married (which happened way sooner than I was originally told—5.5 months after they met—so even less time to adjust). Besides helping them move & pack while sick and giving them a large cash gift as a wedding present, I worked their wedding, doing anything that needed doing, meeting any need I could find, including paying for & picking up lunches for the wedding party, to make it as stress-free & enjoyable as possible. I picked up their dog from boarding today while they were on a day trip with their partner & paid for it since they wouldn’t be able to come back in and pay today (their partner apparently hadn’t thought to pre-pay at drop-off). I placed concrete blocks around the shed that the dog was crawling under in the yard since she was freshly bathed & I wanted her to not get dirty again (or hurt, ultimately). I let their coworker (a mutual friend) know they wouldn’t be available for something this week since I knew they’d forgotten to tell him & didn’t want them to get a called the day of & have the coworker be pissed at them. I offered to help clean their old house this week for move-out if needed, though they may not take me up on that.

Some might read my behavior as an attempt to make myself seem indispensable or to guilt them into keeping me around, but my real motive is both simpler & harder to explain than recognition. I paid for the boarding specifically because they wouldn’t necessarily find out about it, to do something I knew wouldn’t come with feelings of guilt or obligation. I got onto them once for basically never thanking me for things. I was feeling used & all I wanted was some verbal acknowledgement that I wasn’t just an appliance, and they did become more intentional about that, which I was grateful for. But I always worried they felt pressured to thank me because I made a scene. I know I have a right to assert my needs, and yes I have baggage that makes that difficult to practice, even if I fully accept that it’s genuine. But I don’t do any of what I do for the thanks or the recognition or the place it would put me in their life or because it makes me feel like a good person or because I feel like a bad person or to prove my devotion to them or to myself or to others. I do it because I love them so much that it just wants to spill out all the time. I feel like I’ll burst if I don’t find a way to express it. Here at the end, I haven’t tried to reign it in like other times—to avoid seeming overbearing or too involved or obsessed or interfering or one-sided or guilt-trippy or self-sacrificial or manipulative or patronizing. I didn’t have to hold back this time, really for the first time. If it’s my last chance to express my love before they go where I can’t follow, if the best way to love them after this is to leave them alone, I will break my branches to love them. Maybe only a lemon tree could understand.

#aroace #asexual #aromantic #ace #aro #aspec #platonic love #friendship #live blog of my stupid little life

[llamamonger]

I had what was probably my last opportunity to tell my dear friend I love them. Their wedding is in a couple days, and I knew this could be the last time I’d see them before then, and certainly the last time we’d be alone beforehand, perhaps even after. After talking & packing for a few hours, I had somewhere to be and needed to leave. I’d doubted that they still valued spending time with me, but for a moment right here, it felt like old times, the best of old times, when I would be on my way out but they would keep talking to me in earnest, as if they didn’t want me to go, not just yet. I can imagine a lot of things and don’t want to assume this was the case, but to feel that feeling one last time, at the end of things, was precious to me. I finally told them, “If I don’t get to see you before the wedding, I want you to know I’m happy for you, I’m excited for you, & I love you. I’d hug you, but I’m not good at hugs & you probably wouldn’t like it anyway.” They looked down, as they always do when I say I love them, but sometimes I think I catch a faint smile when they do. They advanced the conversation to related subjects, lightheartedly, so as not to linger on what I said. I’d stupidly hoped they would hug me anyway but knew they wouldn’t. I told them in my letter that I’d probably burst into tears if they did, and they wouldn’t risk that. At least now I feel like I’ve said everything that needs to be said, everything they deserve to know, and can perhaps close this chapter.

Almost everyone I’ve brought up my concerns to, even if they agree with me, has ultimately said, “well, you can’t be responsible for them, they’re an adult.” But I can’t tell people (in a way they’d understand) how deeply & completely I love my friend. If it were their partners or children, they’d never be able to let go of responsibility or concern as flippantly as they expect me to, not totally. Surprisingly, I don’t feel like I’ve “let go,” despite the crushing grief of losing them & the life we had together. I just feel like finally, maybe, I’ve fulfilled my duties to the best of my ability. They didn’t choose my love—they shouldn’t feel smothered by it or have it forced onto them. But even if my time in their life is over before I want it to be, I’m glad I don’t have to feel like I’m giving up or letting go of them. I can honestly say I’ve loved them as completely as possible & will continue to forever even if I never get another chance to express it.

#aroace #platonic love #aromantic #asexual #friendship #ace #aro #aspec #live blog of my stupid little life

[llamamonger]

I was sick this week, after driving my friend back 11 hours from a marathon they ran. I still helped them move into their future spouse’s house, since the wedding was in a week. I told them I wanted to help as much as they needed. What I didn’t tell them was that this is the only way I have left to express my love for them. I used to think my quality time, at least, was meaningful for them, even if my gifts & words & physical touch weren’t. Now, I doubt that it is—either overshadowed by their romantic relationship and/or poisoned by my (perceived) lack of support. Soon I won’t be able to offer acts of service like I used to, like washing dishes or helping clean. They’ll be married & live 30 minutes away. I think they may not even really want my help with anything soon, maybe even now.

After we moved 3 truckloads of stuff, they thanked me for helping. I told them in a weak voice strained by 6 days of laryngitis, “you know why I do it.” I put my hand to my chest instinctively. They said softly, “I know,” and looked down at the ground. I couldn’t tell what that meant, if it was tenderness or discomfort. They said I should go get some tea and get cozy. I think they thought I held my chest because of my cough, but it was really my heart I was reaching for. I had so much more I wanted to say but couldn’t. Love, congested & unproductive.

#platonic love #aroace #aromantic #asexual #live blog of my stupid little life #friendship #aspec

[llamamonger]

awkward friendship

Been having a lot of hard talks with my dear friend this summer, but they’ve been necessary. Suffice it to say, this one actually seemed to get down to the meat of the matter. After a couple other hard talks about their reasoning for getting married so fast (ultimately I just wanted to know if this wasn’t masking something they’re not wanting to process), I asked them directly about whether it bothered them when people assumed we were best friends. They said they were afraid to talk about this because I might get mad, which was strange since I told them before that they have a right to ask or tell me anything, but I was like, there’s nothing you could say to me that would be worse than all the things I’ve already imagined. They said they feel awkward about my professions of love, and that they did get my letter, and it made them feel awkward—they weren’t much more eloquent than that. When people assume we’re really close it triggers that same awkwardness for them. Of course I’m fully understanding all this—I literally said in the letter, this is awkward, and if it’s too weird, just pretend you never got the letter, which was the option they chose. So why would they assume I’d be angry? I asked why it’s awkward to them, and ultimately they said it’s because they don’t understand it. And that’s fair. I didn’t expect them to—I really just wanted to give clarity & maybe get benefit of the doubt, if not understanding. They’ve never had deep friendships until the last 4 years, and they have no experience with deep platonic/friend love. I told them about how I view it, from the Platonic perspective, about being able to admire how a person expresses Goodness in their own unique way. C.S. Lewis mentions how friends’ eyes can be opened to see each other’s “glory,” so the same kind of thing. I told them how I first knew I loved them, at a time when I was mad and feeling slighted and wondering if I was just being used and questioning whether I should help them out the next day with something. I realized that regardless of what I was feeling, I hated the idea of them struggling & being miserable & stressed if I didn’t come help them, and that’s when I knew I loved them, regardless of whatever emotion I was feeling, and that I would forever.

They didn’t really say anything to this, though the did say they were trying to get deeper about friendships in the past 4 years. I think part of why they overvalue romantic attention/relationships is because of how limited their capacity for friendship has been, from 26 years of shallow & easily discarded friendships. I can’t blame them. I hope they don’t think I think less of them. I mentioned that Lewis says some people have never experienced true Friendship, only Affection or Companionship. There’s a much bigger world out here to explore than they’ve realized. I hope they get curious and go deeper. If not with me then with someone else they trust.

They did say they felt I was holding on too tight, and that this started a push-pull dynamic that I definitely felt & got confused by. I asked them what they want from me, from this friendship, and all they could really say is that they didn’t want to feel parented or distrusted or suffocated, which hopefully my being able to clarify my motives (and autistic mindset) has helped take care of. I can of course do better—I didn’t make it easy to assume the best. I hated hearing that they felt dread right after their proposal at the thought having to tell me about it. I had literally predicted the proposal the night before, partly as a joke, but they still thought I’d have a problem & even doubted the sincerity of my response when they told me. But they decided our friendship was worth telling me even if there were negative results. As sad as I feel that they don’t (and may never) understand my love for them, I can’t discount that I have been important enough to them that they would be willing to face painful situations for the sake of our friendship. My friend is not a very introspective person, so maybe there’s more feeling for me there than they can admit. I can’t hang my hat on this, but I do need to remember that I was at least this important to them.

#live blog of my stupid little life

[llamamonger]

My love for you has never been dependent upon how you felt about me. One aspect of my love is that I love you simply for existing, for the joy you bring to me simply by being able to experience you, without needing anything from you. A sunset is beautiful without having anything to do with an observer. A whale shark is awesome & majestic without ever acknowledging the diver watching it. To feel delightfully small in comparison is not a reduction of myself—it’s a pleasure to be able to be stunned and to marvel. It has nothing to do with being perfect or ideal or meeting some kind of external expectations. The organic, unpredictable messiness of your reality is part of what makes being around you so electrifying. I could never love someone I could control. No matter how wonderful it would be to be admired by someone I admire, to be loved by someone I love, I have never expected you to love me back. How could a sunset ever call me beautiful?

#platonic love #friendship #unrequited

[llamamonger]

My dear friend got engaged yesterday to their romantic partner of 3.5 months. I knew this was coming soon, and they told me earlier that they were planning to get married as soon as February of next year, about 8 months after they started dating. Of course I don’t think this is terribly wise—it feels unnecessarily rushed & almost a deliberate attempt to get married before they have a chance to have any conflict. My goal has truly never been to separate them, because their partner is, on paper & in practice, a decent person who shares their values. But I’ve always had a feeling that there wasn’t enough critical thinking happening, not enough self-awareness from either of them, which would set them up for poor decision-making & pain. I didn’t want my friend to get hurt or make choices based on what they wanted to be & not who they actually are. So much of their dating involved communication & behaviors that research shows can accelerate feelings of closeness & love, in addition to triggering the dopamine high of the brain’s reward system. I’ve seen my friend go through an attention addiction before, and I was worried. I still think they may be experiencing that because of a tendency to feel insecure still, and maybe they think getting engaged & married fast will give them the security they are craving. But there’s always a crash after a high, especially after marriage. I don’t know if they’ll listen to me if I warn them about this. They’ve started listening to me on many of the things I’ve suggested they think about, so maybe they do understand where I’m coming from now. A little while ago, even after having a hard talk with them, they said they knew I wouldn’t like it, but that I needed to accept that they were planning to get married very soon, and I sharply told them not to make assumptions about me. Maybe finally, finally they understand I’m not out to sabotage their relationship simply because I want them to think critically about things or because I’m not fully agreeing with them. Others I’ve brought up my reservations to also start assuming things along these lines. Why do allos think this way? It’s so insulting. Worse, I worry that people think I’m simply jealous, even romantically so.

If I’m being perfectly honest with myself, yes, I’ve hoped at different times that they would break up. Part of it was a bit of selfishness, holding on to the silly idea that maybe without the romantic partner in the picture I’d have a chance to have the deeper friendship I wanted, a long-shot remedy for my loneliness. But a larger part of it was how things just weren’t adding up fully to me, or were adding up in a way that seemed like my friend could get hurt. It’s a weird, foreboding feeling I can’t quite place. If I knew their happiness would be guaranteed, I would’ve been fully on board the whole time, because I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t going to get to keep my friend for long. I’ve tried very hard to try to see if this indescribable foreboding is my selfish desires or my insecurities or my anxieties, and I still can’t shake it. It feels petty to have that negative feeling when all I want to be able to do is support them in whatever makes them feel loved and happy. If I felt loved by them, this would be exponentially easier. Maybe that’s why it feels petty, because it feels like maybe everyone’s right, and I wouldn’t have an issue if I was just getting what I wanted. The sinking, sad little feeling I get when I’m reminded, so often, of how…outside of their life I am, how even more outside I’ll be soon. It’s grief, though, not jealousy. How I wish people could understand that! How I wish my friend could. I don’t know if many people can understand what it’s like to hold the happiness of seeing someone you love so happy alongside the dread of something ruining that happiness alongside your own immense grief & loneliness.

#live blog of my stupid little life

[llamamonger]

My dear friend was barely 2 months into their romantic relationship when they started thinking about whether they might love their partner. They’d had a bad experience with an ex they loved, and they say they want to be cautious, but this is about the time when these feelings coalesce, apparently. Chemicals & all. And a week later, they did say “I love you” to each other. They didn’t tell me this until nearly a month later.

But what really gets me: they said they wanted to be really sure before they said it because when they say “I love you,” they really mean it, and because people say it all the time & it loses its value. Less than 3 months in, they want to say it to this partner & do. But they’ve known me for 4 years and never come close to saying it to me, although I’ve said it a few times, even explained it in a letter (that we’ve never acknowledged). I know these are very different kinds of love, and I’m sure my friend does, too, but surely friend love is easier to express & less risky? I thought maybe they weren’t emotionally available enough to say “I love you” at all, but apparently they can. If they think they can love this person they met 3 months ago—even with the baggage & risk—but still have no desire to say it to me, after all this time & proof that I’m not going to abandon them, then I guess they never will.

So this whole thing is confirming what I always knew: that I’d never be loved by them in return. I feel stupid wanting to grieve over this, because I knew it would be this way well before I knew I loved them. Maybe the not-knowing was a kind of Schrödinger’s love—if I didn’t know for sure, I could still pretend there was hope. At least I can know for sure where I stand now. Sometimes when people are “in love,” their capacity for love grows & spills over to others, so maybe there’s still hope for something to splash out in my direction, but I can’t afford to hope anymore, I would just be tormenting myself. I know I’m appreciated, and if that’s all I can be, that’s enough.

#aroace #aromantic #platonic love #friendship #aro #aspec #unrequited

[llamamonger]

twins

My dear friend and I really look nothing alike—we have very different hair, eyes, & skin tone. But twice now strangers have seen us out together and asked, in all seriousness, if we were twins! Both times they insisted we must be siblings at least. Still unsure of what they’re seeing since people who know us have never mentioned any kind of similarities. But this last time, the cashier who said it, surprised we weren’t twins, asked, “well are you at least siblings? best friends?” And wow, I wished I could’ve answered, “Yep! Best friends!” But my friend went silent & started getting ready to pay. Once before, someone (who just says what’s on her mind) had asked us if we were best friends because we do so many things together, and my friend shrunk back and didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say, though I think I said something like, I’m just always available for stuff. Before that, one of my friend’s relay race teammates had asked me if I was “the best friend ever” for helping my friend with the race, and I wasn’t sure if my friend had heard, though they did seem to turn away and ignore the conversation. In one conversation when they started dating their romantic partner, I brought up that they’re essentially interviewing a best friend. And I had really wanted to, tried to say, and maybe my face or voice did anyway, “I wish I could’ve been your best friend.” And again, the turning away & ignoring. I don’t know what any of this means. I can tell my friend is making an effort to make me feel appreciated and valued after our hard talk, and things seem natural and mostly normal, like it was before. And I’m not entitled to be anyone’s best friend, even if, by all accounts, I should be. And I know even if I was, I would be replaced by a romantic interest, so as much as I may want that, I know it’s not practical, with anyone honestly. But it feels like the idea of being best friends with me seems repulsive to my friend. I don’t know if that’s just rejection sensitivity, or if they think I don’t want to be their best friend & it’s awkward, or if they’re afraid it’ll encourage my strong feelings that they don’t want, or if they just don’t like the concept at all. They often say their dog is their best friend. But why be friends with someone at all if being mistaken for their best friend makes you recoil? I don’t understand. I’m tempted, having already had some hard talks with them, to just ask. Because what could I lose? I could break my own heart anyway trying to guess of all the reasons why being best friends with me is repulsive, might as well know which one for sure.

#aroace #platonic love #friendship #best friends #unrequited

[llamamonger]

Last weekend I crewed for my dear friend who ran a 100-mile race, manning the base camp for 28 hours & then caring for them afterward, which included popping & bandaging blisters on their feet. I’ve worked on their feet twice since then, removing toenails & clipping back dead skin. Their romantic partner rebandaged them once. Today they said me and the romantic partner should get an award for caring for their feet. I felt duly appreciated, but I felt petty when I winced at the equivalence that was made between us, since I’d done vastly more. But really, though—why should I get equal credit as someone who is doing this because they’re getting romantic attention & physical affection? (Isn’t there an inherent self-interest in romance?) I wonder how my friend doesn’t realize we’re two very different classes of people. Our motivations, our expectations, how we’re treated—completely different. I do this because I love them with my whole heart. Their partner does this because they make them feel good & want to impress them so they’ll keep up the attention. I feel silly getting pissed at this, but it’s activating my Autistic Sense of Justice, and it feels like getting the same grade in a group project as the kid who did the bare minimum.

#aroace #asexual #platonic love #aromantic #friendship

[llamamonger]

If there are multiple universes existing on their own multidimensional planes, and they’re lined up in a higher dimension like slices of bread, and if gravity is the only force that can cross between them, maybe what we call dark matter is really the pull of matter in the other universes pressed up against our own. Maybe love can cross, too, and maybe in another slice of universe, pressed up so close but invisible, you love me, and I am feeling it over here, like an echo without a source.

#aroace #aromantic #asexual #platonic love #ace #friendship #unrequited love

[llamamonger]

Turns out I didn’t ruin everything, fortunately. I was able to talk things out with my friend, after about 15 miserable days of giving them the space they requested. Things seem to be totally back to normal, but it was a pretty gut-wrenching conversation. I still regret hurting them, because I could see they do care about my place in their life, and I’m going to have to work on forgiving myself, though they seem to have moved on. I brought up a lot of issues I’d been dealing with, a lot of which I’ve written about here, regarding how they treat their romantic interests vs. how they treat me. I kind of unloaded on them, but the whole tension was around this behavior that they didn’t notice or want to acknowledge. The core question of it all, for me, was why they automatically value romantic interests over (my) friendship, and it seemed like they were actually considering this issue, so I didn’t push them to answer, just laid out my evidence & dilemmas. They seemed sad that they’d not been as “good” at being a friend to me as they thought they were, and I hated that. We think we’ll get what we want when we finally air our grievances, but it’s far less satisfying when someone you care about is sad to find out they’ve hurt you. It’s one of the reasons I try not to talk about things that hurt me. But even knowing they do care about me (they’ve always stopped short of saying they love me), having to go back to hearing about the romantic interest again & how great they are felt like knives. I’m trying to get over the triggers because it makes me feel selfish and jealous. Specifically, it’s when I hear them being praised for something I’ve already been doing (anger), or when something reminds me that I’m on the outside of their life (grief & loneliness). I know I’m not fully on the outside (though with autism, everywhere feels like the outside), that there’s still a place for me, and maybe I never had the place I thought I had, but maybe it’s more of the death throes of hope that I could’ve been more, or could’ve kept my ground at least. Part of me thinks my friend may follow through on being more intentional with me & over time they could strike a healthy balance with our close friendship & their romantic relationship. But I think they lack a clear understanding of what friendship really can be, because they explained their behavior toward romantic interests as basically just doing what they thought was necessary for that type of relationship (i.e., I was treated differently because, to them, romantic relationships may be distinguished from friendship by their intensity & intentionality). Still haven’t gotten an answer about this, but they take time to process things. I may need to finish off my hope once & for all instead of nurturing this attempt at a recovery, but oh, I want to badly to believe they could love me one day. I still feel like a monster, but at least I’ve gotten a chance to start over.

[llamamonger]

I ruined everything. I finally told my dear friend my concerns about how they change their behavior & shrink themselves whenever they have a romantic interest (not enforcing boundaries, being scared of conflict or negative feedback, thinking less of themselves, etc.), which has been weighing on me and causing me to be vaguely critical. I’m sure I could’ve done it better, but I shouldn’t have done it at all. I should’ve just stayed silent like I did with other friends, no matter how scared I am that they’ll suffer.

“I’m glad that you got it out there in the open but I’m genuinely hurt by that. This is the first time in our friendship where you’ve legitimately broken my heart.”

That’s the last I’ve heard from them. That’s probably all I deserve to hear from them. I was confused as to what exactly was so awful about what I said, but that’s autism for you. I don’t think there’s anything I could say that would fix things (though I tried). I can’t take it back because I still think it’s true, but I don’t think they’ll ever change their mind. I’m an awful friend. No amount of love I have to give them will make up for hurting them like this. I should’ve let them go sooner. I always hurt the people I care about without realizing it. I feel like a monster.

[llamamonger]

Jealousy seems like the wrong word, too small & petty. I don’t know if there is a right word for this feeling, though. I get so mad when I see that my dear friend’s current romantic partner (& their previous romantic interest) taking them for granted, taking advantage of all the attention they give & offering sooooo little in return. And I feel like, man, if I had it as good as they do: if my friend asked me every day how my day was, if they cared about the mundanities of my life, cared about my weird little interests, asked me questions, rested their head against my shoulder, let me hold their hand, let me kiss them on the head when I leave… I feel like it would heal all the dead places in my heart, I would be reborn. I would do anything I could possibly do for them, forever, for just that little bit of their heart that others seem to get for doing almost nothing. Is that jealousy? The feeling of seeing someone casually swigging a medicine that would uncripple me? And to know I’m not entitled to it no matter what I do? Where is this on the feelings wheel?? How could I ever explain it without being seen as just jealous? Maybe I need to make a whole other wheel for the Premium Feelings behind the paywall of being aroace & autistic.

#aroace #aromantic #platonic love #asexual #friendship #jealousy #feelings wheel #autism

[llamamonger]

I wrote a love letter the other day.

I recently told my dear friend I’d love them forever & that I love them so much it’s hard to find words to talk about it. I’d told them I loved them a few times before but this was by far the strongest expression I’ve ever made. I’d wanted to tell them everything I love about them for years but didn’t want to make things weird, but then I went and made it weird, so figured it would be weirder not to explain, right? Probably the autism talking, but oh well. There’s no way I’d be able to say all this in person, and I didn’t want to send it in a message where my friend would have to respond (why court rejection?). So naturally I handwrote a 4-page letter on notebook paper and sent it through the mail.

So far, I highly recommend using the mail to pour your heart out. Last year when my friend had apologized for being a bad friend, I wanted to tell them all the ways they’re a good friend, so I sent a card in the mail so they’d have plausible deniability if it came off weird. They never said anything about it, but I thought I noticed a positive change in their mood after it would’ve arrived. Later, when I was helping them look for something in their house, I stumbled upon the card I’d sent, buried in a drawer—they’d opened it & even kept it! Oh, my heart. They could’ve thrown it away but didn’t! I put way more into the letter than the card, though, so I don’t know how well this one will be received. I said in the letter that I understood they may not want to have all this explained, and they were free to keep or toss it or pretend it never arrived, so I won’t expect to hear anything about it. It should arrive today, but it may be tomorrow before they read it, so I just have to be careful I don’t end up at the house at the same time as the letter & defeat the purpose of the stamp.

I’m a little worried it’ll come off as an attempt to interfere in their new romantic relationship. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t motivated to send this letter before the romantic partner had a chance to make any declarations. I think I’ve earned that right at least. But ultimately I just wanted them to know how I felt while I had the chance (I feel my time with them slipping away) and to know how truly lovable & wonderful they are, regardless of my feelings.

#aroace #platonic love #aromantic #asexual #live blog of my stupid little life